How To Talk To Your Child About Bad Behavior
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- čas přidán 5. 05. 2020
- It's normal to have children with bad behavior, no one is born perfect! But with the right skills in hand, us parents can make sure to teach them what is bad and what is not. There's also a proper way to teach our children about bad behavior, and that's what I'll be discussing in today's episode. Stay tuned!
Watch and Enjoy!
Nicholeen Peck
Teaching Self-Government
Key Moments in this Episode
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00:35 Changing bad behavior
02:20 Self-Mastery and Self-Government
03:10 How not to talk to your child
07:16 What we need to keep in mind
09:34 Structural elements
Resources
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Get our toolkit here:
teachselfgov.com/toolkit
Learn more about us here:
teachingselfgovernment.com/about
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teachingselfgovernment.com/ev...
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About Nicholeen Peck
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Despite your best efforts at raising children, is your family dysfunctional? Do your children set the rules and have control of your home instead of you? Are you looking for parenting skills that will help you create a united, happy family?
Then meet Nicholeen Peck, one of the world’s most effective parenting experts. Whether you want to fix child behavioral issues, create more unity in the home, or simply strengthen your family relationships, her proven system - Teaching Self-Government - can help you turn chaos into calm.
"People are starving for help to save their families," says Nicholeen.
Since 1999, her seminars, workshops, one-on-one training sessions, parenting videos and books have helped thousands of families worldwide regain peace, be happy and maintain unity in their home. The secret? Learning how to use effective family systems based on parenting that’s deliberate and pro-active (instead of reactive). It all starts with the principles of self-government. If you’re a family of faith, you’ll especially love how your faith and values can be woven into her parenting system.
In 2009, Nicholeen and her husband starred in the BBC reality TV show, “The World’s Strictest Parents” (watch here: bit.do/StrictestParents). She became an overnight sensation by turning around two out-of-control teenagers from England after just one week - without shouting, threats or manipulation. Her amazing success comes from the positive parenting techniques of using calmness, effective communication and principles of self-government.
Nicholeen Peck’s Accomplishments
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* Author of “Parenting: A House United,” “Popular Parenting Methods: Are They Really Working?,” “Roles: The Secret to Family, Business, and Social Success” and many other books and magazine articles.
* President of The Worldwide Organization for Women (WOW).
* Nicholeen regularly speaks at the United Nations and other congresses around the world as an advocate for strengthening families and motherhood.
* In 2009 her family was featured on the BBC reality show, “The World’s Strictest Parents.
* Trained as a foster parent for Utah Youth Village.
* Has parented many troubled foster children.
* Successfully raised (and raising) four children of her own.
Testimonials
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“Her loving parenting techniques work with ALL children.”
Kristi, www.thankfulme.blogspot.com
“Thank you for your insights and solutions. They have helped my family so much.”
Michelle
“My husband and I have started implementing some of your techniques, and our house has been so different!”
Julianne
“I feel that my children respect me more. I will be eternally grateful for what I have learned from Nicholeen Peck.”
Michelle Baker
“If you want to forge the strongest family bonds possible, to repair damaged relationships, and redeem a child that seems completely lost, then this program IS for you.”
Sandra
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Video by Nate Woodbury
BeTheHeroStudios.com
/ natewoodbury
#TeachingSelfGovernment
#Homeschool
#Family
How to Calm Down a Temper Tantrum - czcams.com/video/Q7xtdQ0ikdc/video.html
Could u do some modeling? It would be helpful to see examples
I do lots of examples in my Deep Dive course. Here's a link to check it out!
teachingselfgovernment.com/store/tsg-deep-dive/
I love this Nicholeen. I don't have children, but this is just as relevant for adults as it is for children. If you are an employer, with employees for instance. The relationship from a hierarchical point of view is the same!
Thanks Jason!
I do need to hear this, sometimes I felt guilty if I'm doing the right thing, and not pushing my kids' hearts away from me.
Good intentions are often there, but skills and a system in which to use them help those good intentions and good outcomes meet.
💞Talking to kids abt their bad behavior💞
*What Not To Do*
1) No lecturing=they dont listen most of it.
2) Dont take their behavior personally.
🍄Dont ask emotional question(What were you thinking etc)
3) No yelling(its your emotional vomit)
4) Dont Threat
🍄No counting
5) No hiting(Tell yourself i just can not do this to him/her)
6) Dont react,(Think about solving the problem)
*What to do*
🎀Tone Elements🎀
1) Teaching their heart, not just to their logic and their mind.(look into their eyes thinking how much you care about them)
2) Stay calm & Be prepared.
(Knowing what words you are going to use, knowing what skills you want to teach to your child)
We need to have a calmness plan.
🎀Structure Element🎀
1) predictable words that you say=>Decreases their anxiety and increases their focus
2) Describing.
What happened, what should 've happened,what we are going to do in future.
They need to see clearly what went wrong and what should have happened if they had done things the right way.
🍄1st time's mistake=>Dont do a correction just tell them what happened.(teaching time only)
But tell them next time if this happens you have to do an extra chore next time.(same consequence every time)
I love this summary! Well done!
You are so right there is no need to yell or spank I’m now learning that
I'm 8 months pregnant so about to become a first time mommy, I have two degrees In psychology but still taking notes on these videos because I know I'm going to be raising a human being and need to start preparing myself with an authoritative style
Congratulations! You're at the perfect time to start figuring out what you want to do and put it into practice. It's definitely one thing to know what goes on inside the brain and how it functions. But, it's a whole other story knowing how to guide that development and what to do with what's going on inside the mind. I'm glad you found my channel!
That’s a great attitude I wish you all the luck in your parenting journey
I feel like people like this have mastered the art of talking and not actually saying anything. So frustrating
I'm so sorry you feel that way! I try to share as much as I can, but I also can't undermine myself. There's only so much I can share for free. I have so many resources on my website that are straightforward and applicable. It could also be that you're not looking deeper. I'm not sure. :) I hope you're able to get what you need!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You have pointed out and presented several ideas here that I have never even thought of. I think of myself as a very responsible, strong mother. But there’s no break, and Parenting 2 sons solo and working full time is so hard while their behavior is crying out for me to be consistent again. I’ve gotten too frustrated and expressed it poorly, when frustration tolerance is a skill I should be teaching through example.
My 6 and 10 year olds (mostly the 10 year old) refuse their chores like they’re corporal punishment. We have high standards for our home and it’s as if they don’t know what they are. I’ve tried charts. Rewards… my older son just ends up expecting a bigger reward for things he does correctly (that he should just… do). Even things that aren’t actual chores, like putting their dirty clothes in the hamper or brushing their teeth- lately they have been even unbuckling seatbelts. I feel like they are challenging me. In a safety scenario like the latter, i give them a chance to correct immediately and if i have to pull over to confirm they’re secure, i remind them the dangers of distracting a driver and pulling over on a busy road. I’m at a loss. Can i possibly gently correct every single time they do something like not listening or breaking a rule? What if i don’t see it at the time?
Any tips on correcting a 10 year old who literally wails or covers his ears when i remind him it’s his job to unload the dishwasher every day and it’s nearly bedtime? I’m stunned at the resilience of my children to repeatedly NOT do something and put up a fight daily. I’ve become a nagger, and lately I’ve even raised my voice which I KNOW doesn’t work and I DONT believe in doing.
She has a really good video on nagging I just watched. Hang in there Mama- I think her emphasis is on training first. My kid covers her ears too, can be really frustrating but Nicholeen has a Keeping Calm learning pod that's free and really good. For me I have to learn A LOT of these skills for the first time myself before I can model them for my child. I wish I'd learned these when I was a child or even young adult.
That is a great question! The full response to your question is too long to type up here, but I'd love to learn more about your situation and have the opportunity to answer your question on one of my weekly Support Group calls that happen Wednesday mornings at 8am MST. That way, other people that have similar questions and concerns to yours can hear the answer too!
If you’re interested in talking with me more about it, check out the link for more information:
teachingselfgovernment.com/store/support-group/
I hope this helps!
Wow...amazing building + teachings! Greetings from Cartagena, Colombia
Wow, I am glad I bumped into this youtube channel. The tools shared here would help me be a better parent and a better parenting coach. Being proactive, being calm ..
For sure! I'm so glad you found my channel! I hope you can take what you need from what I share. :)
Maybe I need to listen to this every other day.....😭
Sorry for the late reply! It couldn't hurt. :) You could also go more in depth on these things in my online TSG Parenting Course. Here's the link, if it's something you want to look into:
teachingselfgovernment.com/tsg-parenting-course/
You've got this!
Love your vids! Thank you sweetie💖
You have outstanding material! Thank you!
Thank you so much! I'm glad it's been helpful for you!
Thank you so much for the tips they're so helpful
You're welcome! Thanks for watching!
Thank you!!!🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
You're most welcome!
Thank you for your advice!
My pleasure!
Excellent!!!!! We need these lessons thanks 👍
More to come!
just awesome
I'm glad you liked it!
😄 I love this nicholeen peck we have 2 children we are trying to following the 4 basic skills
I'm so glad! Keep up the good work!
Ive just stepped into a parental role with a 4 year old and 8 year old. The 8 year old tested me and boundaries fresh into relationship. That was easy. You want to debate? This isn't a debate. You're arguing with your parents about a rule thats been set and we're not wavering. So far, no issues there and infact she's really responded well to it. The 4 year old... The 4 year old... The 4 year old... My little buddy is driving me crazy. Testing boundaries, and stressing me out. Running into the street, jumping in the pool with no floaties and zero skills to swim, coming out if his room when being sent to time out. Then after correcting and even scolding he bursts into tears (theyre his back up plan/fake tears) because he can turn them on and off in a moment. I tried talking to him and he said my words were "too strong" and i explained my words will be strong when he puts himself in danger, especially when weve talked to him about those rules countless times. Thanks for the advice, ill try to incorporate it.
It sounds like you're on the right track, but could definitely use the Four Basic Skills. My children's book package would be super helpful!
teachingselfgovernment.com/store-category/materials/
teachingselfgovernment.com/store/digital-childrens-book-treasury/
I hope this helps!
Also wanted to ask if you can parent this style if you have a few issues yourself anxiety social anxiety and wanting to break a cycle etc.
when you say "same -ve consequence" for said behaviour...does that mean, if they kick the door say, the consequence is at that time wiping down the door.... is it always wiping down the door? OR if they talk back, the task is fluff pillows, is it the same? so we should prob write this stuff some where?! haha appreciate the help and support!
Basically, the objective is to teach cause and effect. So, if the extra chore is related to the negative behavior, cause and effect is more easily taught.
very nice video, i create a video for my 2 years old son, uff very difficult to keep his attention, thanks for the tips, cheers from panama 😀😀
What I Learned as a Foster Parent: czcams.com/video/7J3_GTSa1DA/video.html What Does It Take To Be A Foster Parent?
👌
If they are in stage one of maturity, and do not listen to the parent n misbehave, how do we get them to the e chore that they earn ?
This is when you need to have a correction skill in place that everyone understands is meant to bring the person back to a place where they can follow instructions. The program I teach has two skills for this. teachingselfgovernment.com/store/
Correction skill is great because it brings them back to the task otherwise they will eventually evade the task all together
I do have a question about assigning chores as punishment. We want our children to participate willingly and know their role includes responsibility. Does not making chores a punishment make all chores seem like punishment instead of participation?
Is there any way we could buy your books in Germany?
Shipping from the States is unfortunately ridiculously expensive ...
Great question! My main book, "Parenting: A House United" is available on Amazon, hard copy and Kindle version. I also have a lot of material available in online download, so that might be an option as well. Feel free to look around my website for some options that fit your budget best!
teachingselfgovernment.com/store/
I love your videos
I'm so glad!
Nicoleen, my child is turning 7. And I feel that because of my own anxiety and insecurities I've made so many mistakes... but I want to change things. Is it too late? I'm so terribly scared that I have already made lasting changes.
Not too late at all! If you're looking for a good place to start, I would start with the Calm Parenting Toolkit.
teachingselfgovernment.com/calm-parenting-toolkit/
It sounds like everyone could be lacking skills to communicate and your family might need more consistency with teaching and maintaining those. My four Children's Books discuss the Four Basic Skills that I teach to everyone, which made my home life a breeze in comparison to most homes.
Here are a few links that could be helpful for you and your family:
teachingselfgovernment.com/store/parenting-a-house-united/
teachingselfgovernment.com/store/childrens-books-bundle/
Some videos:
czcams.com/video/1EVYVgWiJtc/video.html&pp=ygUVbmljaG9sZWVuIHBlY2sgcnVsZW9m
czcams.com/video/z6a1-JJXoz4/video.html
I hope these help!
Do you have your book in spanish so my husband could read i?
Yes! I do have the book in Spanish! teachingselfgovernment.com/store/ensenanza-de-los-hijos-un-hogar-unido/
I always yell, because I’d be so devastated
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Do you have a book. Just had a baby and want to know how to parent like this . Want all the information together.
I need to memorize every statement you say. Lol. You just have the rights words and cannot say anything better
Does parenting a house united come in audio
Yes, you can purchase it on the teaching self government website
could you come to live in my house for a month an fix my problems? hahah thanks for the videos ,,, you really helped me in my hardest moments...
Help me with 47 year old and 49 year old cause I failed in there child hoods.🤔💡🥴
That is quite the situation! The full response to your comment is too long to type up here, but I'd love to learn more about your situation and have the opportunity to answer your questions on one of my weekly Support Group calls that happen Wednesday mornings at 8am MST. That way, other people that have similar questions and concerns to yours can hear the answer too!
If you’re interested in talking with me more about it, check out the link for more information:
teachingselfgovernment.com/store/support-group/
I hope this helps!
And what do I do if they don't do that chore
The next step would probably be the Rule of 3. Here's a video describing what it is and how to do it:
czcams.com/video/1EVYVgWiJtc/video.html&pp=ygUVbmljaG9sZWVuIHBlY2sgcnVsZW9m
I hope this helps!
What would I do for a 3 year old instead of earning chores?
Sorry for the late response. Great question! They would still earn a chore, but something that is age appropriate. Things such as picking up a few toys, straightening the pillows on the couch, taking something to the trash, helping set the table, etc.
I just have a general comment. I would enjoy your videos much more if you spoke faster. The slow pace makes it very difficult to watch.
You can change the speed in settings :)
Really interesting. I have one issue with this however, at the end. Using chores as a negative consequence for bad behavior always seems like a horrible idea to me. I feel like it leads to thinking cleaning/washing dishes is a bad thing. Instead of just the necessary, slight dopamine boosting, task(s) that it is. Imo chores should not be connected to morals at all.
I know this has some research behind it as well. Personally I've experienced it too; since when i was a kid doing dishes etc was always looked at as a bad thing and you are bad if you don't help + you have to do more of it if you are bad etc etc. As a result, it took me very long as an adult to just see cleaning as something we do. Nothing more than that. Before it was always connected to morality in my mind and i would literally subconsciously avoid it because at some level if I'm cleaning, I'm not a good person. Which is so backwards lol
But honestly, that's what using chores as punishment can lead to. I've heard this same story from a lot of other people as well. I would try and find the studies that support this as well but I'm too tired atm lol
But other than that, solid advice imo
I like using chores as consequences because while doing a chore they are actually learning skills
Self mastery works because it is biblical.
I first want to thank you for putting the time and effort into teaching a better way to do things as parents. I do however have to respectfully disagree with you telling people it is not necessary to spank their children. As a Christian you should do things according to God's word. God gives a direct command to spank your children as correction. Proverbs 22:15
“Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.”
God says that if you don't spank it is because you hate your child
Proverbs 13:24
King James Version
24 He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.
You aren't teaching biblical correction and are actually teaching that God's form of correction is wrong. I don't believe you are intentionally teaching something against what God teaches, I just wanted to let you know.
Hi! First off I should inform you that the Pecks are Mormon. Nicholeen does use a lot of biblical verbiage and I highly respect her even though if she subscribes fully to Mormon ideals then we have some major theological disagreements. She does address spanking in particular in some videos and also in this video explains that she was not allowed to spank her foster children.
All that to say, I used to be right there with you. I don't like it but the Bible says it so I have to do it. However, even though it says the rod in these passages how many people interpret it is by guiding them as a shepherd would with their rod. Does a shepherd need to regularly beat his sheep to keep them in line? No of course not it's more about steering them and keeping them on the right path. This is something I personally have had to work through because I used to be just like you in thinking we just HAVE to spank. I would just say be VERY principled in how you do it. I make sure to use it on my children who can understand that it's coming, but also aren't quite old enough to be rationalized with. My almost two year old now knows he can't kick mommy in the stomach over and over while getting his diaper changed, not because I lost my temper and lashed out at him, like she describes in this video, but because I warned him a spank was coming if he didn't calm down and stop kicking. It only took one time and now he knows what to expect if he engages in that behavior again. Spanking should be a very last resort for only the worst kinds of bad behavior and should always be pre taught, otherwise it won't accomplish its purpose. Just to help open your mind and give you some things to think about! Blessings on your journey! 😊
Thank you for sharing. What I've seen is that effective correction can take place calmly and verbally without raising a hand to anyone. From my experience, I've seen that spanking doesn't allow the child to take responsibility for their behavior, since the spanking is being done TO them and it's the fear of being hit and hurt that is being used to manipulate/force a show of good behavior. When a child has the opportunity to emotionally and mentally accept the outcomes/consequences of their behavior (the cause and effect), they become self-governed and begin to see the real-world cause and effect of their actions. Consistent verbal corrections provide the environment to analyze behavior and consequences through the pre-frontal cortex (or "front brain"), which is the part of the brain responsible for problem solving and logic. Spanking keeps children in back brain, making it hard to see things outside of an emotional perspective. It is also an emotional reaction from the parent, not a deliberate plan of analysis. Plus, they get to an age where they're too old and too big to spank, but their brain still needs help developing.
I hope this cleared up my stance on spanking a little more. You don't have to agree. There will always be differing opinions.
Thank you for your thoughts, @chelseabarker2250 ! Yes, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I'm glad that this isn't a deal breaker for you. :) It's okay that we have differing religious beliefs. I do my best to share universal, eternal truths that are applicable to all, no matter their religious or spiritual stance. If you see my response to the original comment, I share more of my thoughts on spanking. Blessings on your journey as well!