How to Create Bulletproof Protection Against Psychopaths & Narcissists - Terri Cole
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- čas přidán 16. 05. 2024
- Have you ever been in an argument with someone where you feel like they are intentionally misunderstanding what you’re saying? They twist every single word to leave you feeling frustrated and hopeless like you just can’t make your point to them. Or do they distort reality and deny what you KNOW to be true (gas lighting)?
These are just a few examples of daily experiences you might be enduring if you are involved with a narcissist, psychopath or mentally unhealthy person.
In today’s video, I am giving you some solid information about how to manage these types of personality types. The conventional wisdom of going NO CONTACT is not an option for everyone. If you have a child together or are taking care of or living with aging parents who are narcs, you are forced to interact.
So, if you cannot avoid engaging with them all together, let’s discuss how can you avoid engaging with them in a way that will destroy you. This video is for those of you who cannot go NO CONTACT but are committed to getting empowered.
In today’s video, I’ll be covering:
1. The Gray Rock Method
2. Tips for employing this method
3. How to set boundaries with narcissists and psychopaths in a safe way
4. How to avoid “checking out” in life while disengaging with unhealthy people
Download the free guide that goes along with this episode: www.terricole.com/wp-content/...
Drop me a comment and let me know what resonated with you after watching this video.
TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction
2:26 - The origin of the Gray Rock Method
4:36 - How the Gray Rock Method works
6:50 - How to become 'boring' to a narcissist
8:55 - Why you need to be mindful of dissociation
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Codependents and Narcissists - Heal the Toxic Cycle with Boundaries: • Codependents + Narciss...
How to Deal With Boundary Bullies, Including Narcissists: • How to Deal With Bound...
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ABOUT TERRI COLE:
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global leading expert in female empowerment. For two decades, Terri has worked with some of the world’s most well-known personalities from international pop stars to Fortune 500 CEOs. Terri has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change i.e. true transformation. She empowers over 250,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp + her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)
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RESOURCES:
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole I no longer offer one-on-one coaching/therapy sessions but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs.
As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp’s resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help’s service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.
No No Narc: I created this course to teach you the strategies I’ve used for more than 2 decades in my psychotherapy practice to help women break free of dysfunctional patterns and learn how to prioritize themselves. www.terricole.com/nnn-special...
My book, Boundary Boss: boundarybossbook.com
Boundary Bootcamp, my 8-week signature course, carefully constructed to take you to the next level of empowerment in all your personal + professional relationships using a positive and proactive boundary skillset that no one ever taught you. Until now: terricole.com/boundarybootcamp
www.terricole.com/gethelp/ - If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.
#terricolerealoverevolution #terricoleshow #narcissism - Zábava
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It's deliberate. They don't want to understand. It's primarily to watch you suffer.
Narcs and paths do not respect boundaries; they laugh at them.
Can we take a minute to praise you and your hair is perfection 😍
LOL! ;)
Yea, I was thinking the same thing!
Gorgeous inside and out ❤
"Gray rock". It's like emotional ghosting to transition to physical ghosting lol
hahahahah! well put, Breezy D!!
Yep… the first step to disrupting this cycle in relationship is to stop feeding that figurative devil on their shoulder and starve it out by no longer reacting, defending or engaging, but rather becoming the observer and stepping back when recognizing a triggering behavior.
word of caution with this method, if you are dealing with a psychopath, and you have already let on or hinted that you know what they are, they will treat this method as a game and will press your buttons even more to win.
Happened to me just now. All interactions with them only end with frustration.
Thanks for sharing your insights here with us.
Yes. It happening to me now. More and more frustration from the narcissist, that person will then back off for a few seconds/minutes/days and then try again to trigger me. At first that person expressed frustration. Now anger. Revengeful anger. This person's methods have worked to manipulate me for a long time and now he/she is not getting what he/she wants from me. I've accepted that I have played a role in this unhealthy dynamic. I'm scared but feeling stronger too if that makes sense.
I tell him every time, you are gaslighting right now, that was a dog whislte, it's a holiday of course you are going to act up, and I am just moving on with my life keeping him at arms length. He is covert passive aggressive... lucky me... anyway, I just point blank tell him I see through your abuse and move on with my day. I no longer get frustrated or upset. I call it out and move on. Do I have exit plan? HELZ TO THE YES. Am I going to let this toxic waste in shoes think he is getting away with his abuse? Nope. I calmly state the facts and move on. I leave the room, house or where ever and let him sit in his own shit. Not my circus, not my monkey. So far no avail on getting him to consider leaving. I am gearing up for a full on ghosting. Wish me luck.
That explains it!! Thanks!
The thing About this is before in a relationship with this person you were being abused you know all of the typical narcissistic abuse : gaslighting, humiliation, manipulation, rage and overall disrespect but when you start doing grey rock and observe don’t absorb it seems like the rage is on a whole new level. They are always coming at you and you feel like you have absolutely no peace. Before at least you had tiny moments of peace in between. What is the best thing to reassure yourself that doing this is better than just suffering through a relationship with them until you can get away. Sometimes it just feels like it’s worse. They are always coming at you in this rage through yelling and insults and it seems like the more you don’t react emotionally by saying things back it seems like the more they come at you. It feels like you are under water gasping for a little bit of air. What words can you tell yourself when you feel like this? Also when everyone else is believe the lies and mask of the narcissist and looking at you like you are provoking them with your grey rock techniques. The loneliness is something that is present. It is stressful to be in the line of fire all the time. Thoughts? ?
I'm crying this is literally me right now.
They ramp up the evil, if you don't react and become bland. My narc let our cat die, just to get me sick, because I left the house. I had to leave without the pets. Now he is trying to kill the dog.
This method works say with a mother who is not so malignant, just partially narc. If I tell my mother my ideas, they never realise because she puts all her negativity to erode them, so I better talk about weather with her.
But if you deal with an evil narc, there is no method which works, only prepare to leave in secret.
Please I can understand you. I already stopped talking about my life with my abusers. Honestly, I don't entertsin with them. I don't associate with them and try to avoid them as much as possible. But, the thing is, they keep you pulling you into tasks and complain about how u did them and them turn your triggees on ,
They come at you with rage. There is no Boundary with them. Saying no is not an option. Saying no will. Make them give me harsh physical punishments, shaming. It's not even am option.
My abuser was asking me to. Hug her, like I was nodding my head "no" And she was like "omg what did I do😭😭why are u mad at me now😩🥺🥺"
She always does this. I had to forcefully give a hug to her. It felt disgusting and grosss. Honestly thankfully I'm leaving this bs people, idgaf I might even go no contact idk but yeah
They are still manipulating me so muchhhh to stayyy .. Fuck you!!! I tried Traumatizing them and I think they wouldn't want me now. Yeahhb thankfully
I'm leaving
Thank you for talking about intentional misunderstanding. That is so validating.
It just sucks I have to act so boring. I wanna be myself and it’s not fair.
I'm witnessing you with compassion. I'm holding space for all you because you can shine and be you.
oh yeah, it drives you nuts, when a person just twists your words completely, and you never said that. It leaves you exasperated and demoralized, communication like that is totally impossible.
#TrueStory
I instinctively used the gray rock method with my Covert Narcissist husband toward the end of our marriage. The problem that no one discusses, is that the Narcissist knows what you are doing, and it makes them really angry and even more passive aggressive.
@janathena7164 I just watched this helpful video again, then saw your comment and want to let you know that the self-confessed narcissistic psychopath, HG Tudor, has done videos on this technique and says that it doesn't work at all on him and others of his kind!
Of course, it works on some highly narcissistic people though, like Terri Coles mentioned, especially the ones who don't notice much about fellow human's behaviour.
I'm aware that many people refuse to watch the popular self-aware narcissistic individual's videos, which is totally understandable.
I've found them to be extremely helpful though, because the information is straight from the horse's mouth and HG Tudor was the main person who got it through to me that the last ex didn't love me, or even like me, for that matter!
I've also received a lot of assistance from Terri Coles and other counsellors etc, but had to unsubscribe from a few of them, who usually focus on narcissists, due to negative personal experiences. ❤
This has worked for me for years. I learned it is important to take care of sense of self-worth while doing this. I struggled with negative feelings because of minimizing myself to 'be borring'. The more distance you can create, the less you can share about your life (i.e. your new awsome job), so you can sound boring without actually missing out on good things you deserve in life. Not long after beginning grey rocking, my narc. mother tried to project depression onto me (assumed I was depressed, and treated me like I was) so she could 'take care of me'. Best wishes to all of you out there! Distance is bliss!
Thank you for sharing your experience with us, Leah ❤
I'm so sad right now, but raging on the inside. All this has made me physically sick, depleted energy.
You just described every emotional conversation I ever had with my ex-husband. I have spoken to him until I have tears running down my cheeks. I have sat in a room with my therapist and my ex and when he left she literally said to me “it was like we weren’t even having the same conversation” I mean, I had said something four different ways and he continually told me he didn’t understand what I said. I switched to this flatline to him a few months later and I feel better this way. He goes on and on about his life and I just say “oh. Yeah. Ah ha.” He doesn’t get that I am not engaging and in the end it works. I like hearing about him but I don’t want to tell him about my life because he’s pretty judgy.
Amy,
Thanks for sharing here with us. If he is your ex, please don't give too much of your life force energy to him. Save it for yourself and your new possibilities ;)
@@terri_cole Thank you good woman for the video and for this comment.I have been giving out m,y life force energy to many ppl for most of my "life" - even strangers - no wonder I am exhausted! Also disappointed and resentful since I get 1/10th back and am starving. Can't seem able to stop, am traumatized and co-dependent
I also don't know how to stop. need someone to work with me.
It's so hard to be boring when you're highly creative, though. 😁
Asteri ETERNAL Think of it as laying down and playing dead ... with that person only.
WORDZ 😎
they found you for this reason... there very creative too often
Very good advice!
Makes perfect sense - the narcissist can create continuing drama through divorce, child support and such - so PREPARE carefully, and then you will eventually achieve NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN for yourself AND your children. Good luck to everyone. cheers
OMG Finally! A person who knows exactly how it works and knows that non contact is not just the answer. Hello!!, if they are family or the father of your kids.. then no, you cant just go non contact. Im here for real help. Finally someone that can help thankyou
🙏
It’s confusing because I also don’t want to dim my light and mine are family members. I don’t want to pretend to be something I’m not. I don’t want to be boring. That’s not who I am. They are just gonna have to deal with me and I’m going to have to just stick up for myself. I think when they put me down I will just say “I’m confident in who I am” and say nice things about myself. My narcissists aren’t completely psycho... luckily. I realize this might not work with everyone.
This is an excellent video. The way you explained it in detail was very good. I wasn't aware of this grey rock method however I tried it in a new friendship with a lady I quickly picked up was toxic and narcissistic. She got very bored with me quite quickly and moved on to annoying someone else. This method really works.
Want to thank you for helping me in my protection and healing process ✨ 💕 bless you 🙏 💖 ❤
Perfect timing!!
I "met" Skylar and learned of gray rock back in 2010 after leaving a sociopath and living on Donna Andersen's "Lovefraud" website for several months. Hearing you say that name literally gave me chicken skin.
This technique is sooooo helpful
Wow this is so helpful!
Thank youuuu!!!!
Precious advice worth a diamond
Thank you so much for posting this video. I have ASD and currently in a relationship with a narcissist/psychopath. She has managed to completely drain my finances and manipulate me to think that I’m the one who has issues. Things are coming to an end soon thank God. I finally built up the nerve to call her out. Things got bad for a day but now they are moving forward and she is moving out.
Thank you so much for all your information. I need this. ❤️
Thank you for being here! I appreciate you 🥰
you've helped me so much in so many ways I love you so much
Yes I constantly get people contacting me with their pathetic narcissistic diatribes. These are sick people
I get(& I am male) so many people who want my attention
I am over it
.I no longer share details about my personal life.I need trust in life.
Thank you so much! You are spot on. This really speaks to my situation. Im so tired after 35 yrs together and20 yrs of marriage counselling. I am numb
Thank you - very helpful cuz this is where I'm at in my situation. It's very stifling as an artist though because I need to create but I have to hide/lock up my stuff every time I simply leave my room or the narc I have to live with might steal or damage my supplies and/or creations. For example, this sibling likes to cut holes in my clothes while I'm away. She even took sample accessories I made & featured on my website which miraculously reappeared 6 mo later after my nephew & I turned my room upside down looking for them. I finally had to shut down my website & now refuse to ever share such info with family members again because it was obvious she stalked it in order to sabotage me.
The hardest part for me though is the hot button triggers this sib pulls on me... the set-ups framing me as the "guilty one" to other family members and outsiders (like the tax man & my parent's doctors) putting me in "defense response mode" / "you're in trouble now" fight or flight syndrome. She KNOWS she's the negligent one & stops at nothing to project her guilt on me. She also likes to sabotage any progress financially and educationally & has done so all my life - (all long stories I can only touch briefly on now). But basically, it's the smear campaigns & secret sabotage tactics that I'm having to deal with & to which I don't always know how to respond. What a pathetic life she leads spending her time doing these things! I'm trying to get away but the economy is making it difficult to find a job - especially since I've been out of work so long as my mother's caregiver for the past 6 years. I have found that going no-contact inasmuch as I can has been extremely helpful though. It's been salve, calming a lot of the irritation she musters up. I would love to hear more techniques on how to deal with the being cornered or set-up, though, as well as that of feeling like I'm "having a pillow held to my face" & getting punished for just trying to be who I am and develop my talents because she's threatened by it. Any advice would be so helpful. Thanks!
Thanks for sharing this, Terri. I find it helpful. I'm pretty sensitive to psychopathic behavior in the workplace. My employer is actually very decent and caring of its employees. But unfortunately there's one manager who exhibits psychopathic traits like bullying, and charisma. Good thing is he sticks out like a sore thumb. Also, your hair looks fantastic! Thanks again.
Very nice! Yes. Boredom is what they cannot tolerate...
20 seconds into the video and i already love it. This needs more attention, really! Also videos about how to deal with gaslighting and lying. Do we cut these people off pr do we just ignore their behaviour and respectfully disagree and move on?
Thank you! Very much! Bless you!!!
Wonderful information, thank you so much. Thanks also to Skyler whomever they may be. Gratefully I have escaped from my narc, but still have some contact due to child.
Thank you for being here! So happy you got out xo
some years ago a friend told me that " I should become invisible" to a family full of narcissists and a work place full of them also. I didn't understand what my friend was trying to tell me. The first thing he told me to do was to stop wearing stand out clothing and wear boring grey and browns. I did this. I could instantly feel the big shift in being the centre of attention all the time to the narcs. It's been at least 10 years of going grey now. Omg it really works. I feel free because absolutely nobody notices grey people. In addition to this, I am older, fatter and less appealing. One good friend recently told me to go back to my former self. She has noticed the repeating pattern of boring nothingness in my personal presentation. Funnily enough I prefer it and don't want to go back to reds and other exciting Look at Me colours and clothing designs. My life is in a different place because of it. I loved the work you propsed on the Grey Rock and really resonated strongly with it. Thank you so much Terri.
Skin is skin, it's not what makes the difference in the long run. Skin changes, your soul, and mind do not. If a guy doesn't like you when you're bigger but then when you lose weight wants to be with you, don't waste the energy. This doesn't apply to just bigger girls either, slimmer girls struggle with their figures as well. It's important to accept
Thanks Terri!
Just recently began using the grey rock method against both narc ex's... Has been very effective and for once in my life I feel in control and the stress has been melting away... I have kids to both ex's so no contact is not an option for me... Grey rock, limited contact and using the justice system ethically has been a very good experience so far so I intend to stick with these methods for as long as they work...
Good for you, James! Right on for reclaiming control of your life and internal experience.
What a doctor you are ❤and amazing is that you managed to share it to the world 🤗 short clear precise... Perfect. thank you and lots of love
❤️
Hi Terri, this is funny, each time I have a problem, you appear and speak exactly about it. I just had such a diffficult discussion with my elder sister... She never listens, she knows everything better and when she's complaining about our parents and I confirm that in telling my experience with them she starts to defend them out of the blue... and it is so, so difficult to grey rock when people provoke you or tell things that are not true etc.etc. The biggest challenge is not to become angry! Omg, it's not easy, especially in the origin family when they trigger the old frustrations and bad feelings of the past. Thank you so much for you good advice!!!
Mireille,
I feel you on this and am so happy that the vids appear when you need them!
xo
I love this grey rock method! Interesting. Love your videos. Thank you.
Aww thanks Jenny! I am so glad you're here.
I needed to hear this today. 💜
Edit: Thank you!
You're welcome.
Yes wish I has known this sooner! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!
Thank you for being here! Now that you know, you can make different choices. It's never too late, mama.
Hi Terri,
Thank you for your video. In my situation it is my mother who is the narcissist, it has taken me to get to aged 45 to realise this!
I have a 23 year old daughter who has always been a target for my mother, she seems to really resent my daughter for no reason, right from birth making nasty indirect comments about her, and as she has grown up, my mother has accused my daughter on several occasions of stealing money from her, which has caused me so much stress its made me ill, as ive tried to prove my daughter hasnt done this, she also tells my whole neighbourhood that my daughter is a thief and not to be fooled by her appearance.
On one occasion 5 years ago when she accused my daughter, she threatened me with police, solicitors etc, only to tell me 2 years later that it was one of my sister's who stole but that she couldn't disclose at that point, but she actually apologised to both my daughter and i.
Then early this year my mothers boyfriend brought the situation up and she was back to accusing my daughter again!
I had to keep her out of my life as i felt my health deteriorating, and although i know the only way is to keep her away as she is such a terrible liar, trouble maker and so disloyal, i found i actually was grieving about my loss, while she on the other hand doesn't give a dam, shes so cold!
I think they cause nothing but bad luck in your life these narcissists, they seem jealous about everything, even being sick! But its hard when you have a heart to not remember their good points, i wish i didnt care! Lately ive saw a little of her after 7 months no contact, and although i in some way wanted to see her ive struggled with all these feelings of anger, resentment and irritation at myself for not being stronger and not nother with her at all.
She has controlled me since i was a little girl, its so hard
What would you advise?
Thank you
Much love and many blessings
Limited or no contact sounds like the right course of action unless you think she has the capacity to change her ways (and from what you've shared that seems unlikely.) Choose you, take care of you and share your energy with the people who lift you up and value you
@@terri_cole thank you so much for taking the time to reply and your words of wisdom. Much appreciated
Love to you ♡
Love this!
This is so good Terri. Thank u. They really are psychopaths. I would move on if someone didn't like me but these guys narcissist r very malicious
Hi Teri , love the bullet proof from the drama narc 👍🏼
Thanks pal!
@ Terri Cole and what I found in the past whilst dealing with one is that it is near impossible to go no contact with them because a) you have emotions and are emotionally invested unlike them b) they still hoover around you and pretend they love you c) you become obsessed with them as they have become obsessed with you first as part of trauma bond I guess. d) you still love them and wish the old them would come back. However, there was no old them, it was an illusion. They sold us a first good impression and we bought it subconsciously. We were in fact deceived to the core.
I find your videos very helpful and informative! Actually I press the like button now even before I've watched it because I just know the video will be great. Did anyone ever tell you you look like Lauren Bacall?! Well you do! Thanks for your helpful videos by the way. Much appreciative of your calm manner and slow delivery.
Thank you fir such kind words!!
I am a regular subscriber and find these extremely helpful. Thanks so much. I wish the volume could be turned higher so we could listen without using the headphone. Sometimes the solo videos do seem very soft spoken! THanks!
I will try to talk louder but my voice is kind of scratchy so it sometimes gets lost a little. Thanks for being here with us ;)
On a subconscious level we never noted to what extent the narcs in our family were tormenting us .....we actioned grey rock everytime we went to visit their home....we took all our jewellery off too. Not because we wanted to, but because they kept taking it off us to try it on and compare it to their own jewellery. go figure....what a crazy family to belong to. Furthermore, once we heard your Grey Rock method, it all made sense. Thank you Terri for teaching us to cover up and look like nothing just to survive.
As you grow up in a dysfunctional family, you are blindsided to the million of tiny abusive things that you've just accepted as your family's unique quirkiness. Plus they discourage you from associating with types of people who might help you see what's going on.
I'm only 30 seconds in & you just described what my husband does (and how I feel every single time I try talking to him...even about little, simple things) down to a T. 😞
This is true. It works!!
I would sit in the room with my mother and I would read so she would ignore me and stop poking at me
Perfect plan, Linda V!
Linda V Same here. Actually, SHE was reading, I had just come home from a grueling day at work. I was watching TV, she was reading the newspaper. Narc mom made a snide remark (can't even remember what it was). But, sheer exhaustion prevented me from responding to it. It went in one ear and out the other until my brain finally kicked in! And, then I looked her way and saw two beady eyes glowering at me over the newspaper. It was in that delay that I realized she was looking for a reaction and when it didn't come, she truly was astonished. I guess you could call it accidental grey rock?!? LOL. That was before I knew anything about this technique. But, it really did work.
That is a temp fix, until they get annoyed by your ignoring them.
Stacy Robinson
I know right? That's when they ramp up the crazy right? You then go ghost... I don't see you, you don't see me. It TAKES a lot of practice. My "ghosting" consisted of taking the children and running. Worked for me. He didn't want to part with his money, so he didn't come after us for custody and parenting time.
The kids are 14 (twins) and 19. I got them (myself included) into therapy ASAP, to help them cope and understand the dysfunction. It's been a little over a year and I can truly testify.. TODAY, we're in a whole different place!
There's no expiration date on healing, it will come, if YOU faint not. Hold on you hear me? Keep moving forward! Blessings.
Hyg44 Gu thanks so are you and the narcissist in a better place?
Yes, absolutely! I have dealt with people like this.
Very good, informative and helpful video, many thanks!!
It hurts that you describe my wife to a tee.. like perfectly.
Electric Weirdo My partner too
Yes. Totally correct.
Fantastic! I did that intuitively for a short time but then I lost my temper, got upset and ended with a nervous wreck while she hung up the phone super happy. I hope not to talk to her anymore, but if I do I will apply this method because it is great. Thank you very much and greetings!
You're welcome!
I like this. I’ve been avoiding, not full nc, and it scares me honestly. I know there will be a next time so I’m going to remember this.
great breakdown. you have a new sub. just like to say I present myself as boring but still the narc pursues me. then devalues me after they see I'm not changing they call me weird or too quiet.
Thank you for joining us here. I'm witnessing you with compassion. Other people's opinions don't matter, they are trying to get a reaction from you to get their power back. Stick to grey rock and stick to your boundaries.
Thank you!
I love ot & will totally do it. Thank you.
@Terri Cole you are sooo pretty and knowledgeable 😊😍
;)
As a result of not buying shiny things, and not doing anything that would stick out or stir up my Narcissist, I ended up boxed in. Not doing interest things that would attract the attention of my Narcissist, my life passed me by . Here I am unaccomplished at age 67. So much for the grey rock method especially when you and the Narcissist lives under the same roof out of necessity: You just grey rock your life away! It might work when you are not under the same roof. That's not always possible.
Sorry to hear that. I personally am learning grey rocking can work but it also helps to invest all that time on yourself, be proactive and productive! Stay focused on loving yourself and getting ahead in life. Work on your future, time not wasted, while blocking him out emotionally and ignoring him. I feel better working on myself and bettering my life rather than time wasted having him the center of it, catering to his every need! I was feeling undervalued and building resentment towards him for not treating me good in return. Basically i learned not to give him the power of my self worth all in his hands. No more. That wasn’t healthy and he took advantage of the power he had over me. I don’t feel so drained or like I’m wasting my time, energy and life away on him anymore.
Great topic! - Grey Rock -- My father is a narcissist, so my brother and I grew up with big narcissistic behavior around us. This grey rock method - I think that I have been doing it for much of my life naturally without hearing about it first. When much of what a person says (me) is criticized, attacked, shamed, yelled at, etc., a person (I) learns, that it is better to be silent and just listen and do what the narcissist whats or expects. The narc is like the proverbial bad king, who expects his subjects to do his bidding, listen to his long monologues and does not want any feedback. Its weird but my narc father even snaps, when I respond with empathetic responses - he just wants to talk and be listened to without interruption most of the time (attention is narcissistic supply). I think that for kids of narcissists Grey Rock many times is a natural strategy - the problem with that is, that we do not learn normal empathetic interaction at home within the family of origin. I've gone to therapy and read many books including the book "Whats Normal: for Children of Dysfunctional Families" but I still often dont respond at all to people (it seems like I am in Grey Rock mode even, when the person is not a narcissist and also when the person is in strong emotion) - I often say little if anything.... the result being, that some of the key friends in my life have narcissistic traits (especially one - my friends too talk about themselves in monologues not expecting responses) - doing Grey Rock with normal people pushes them away too, because normal people want mutual interaction and empathetic response. But where am I supposed to practice normal empathetic interaction?? (when most of the people around me are narcissistic people (some are toxic codependents, who act similarly) and my programming is such that it is not natural to me (it seems)… A persons programming (the blueprints for how to interact and manage life) comes from family of origin.... (that is not our fault) - we need to change these programs, which is so challenging (hard), it is a process and we need help with it....
I'm not sure if you've mentioned previously if you are in therapy or speaking to a counselor to help you through this, but that is a great place to practice empathy. A counselor or therapist is a safe place to practice interactions with people. Thank you for sharing and for being here.
Terri - Thank you. I know. I have gone to therapy for a total of about 8 years BUT NO therapist explained any of this to me. I cannot afford to pay therapy but my insurance does pay it - those therapists have all helped in some way a little, but not enough at all ( I ended up with a serios autoimmune condition due to overfunctioning and chronic severe stress). Videos like these have helped me much more than therapists but I do keep searching for a good one. I just recently found a new one after 3 years because I didnt see any progress due to her methods. This last therapist ended up being paternalistic with no insight into her own codependent behavior - she shamed me for reading the books I read (probably because they are in Engligh and she does not know English). I live in Europe. Back when I lived in the USA, those therapist did little to help me too - one actually said I was really well balanced and didnt know why I kept going to therapy. Thank you for your content.
I love all of your videos. You have helped me tremendously. One suggestion: Can you make the volume louder? It's hard for me to hear you.
Yes I will try, Lynnette. Are you sure your volume is all the way up ? I check mine right before i record to make sure it is on the max setting. xo
Terri Cole Real Love Revolution - yes it's very low volume for me as well.
Terri Cole Real Love Revolution mine is full volume and it still sounds low. Besides that, your counselling is amazing, thank you.
ITS LOW FOR ME TOO
I am in a narc relationship of over 9 years I found he is narc nearly 2 years done loads of research and self love boundary setting I tired to leave a few weeks ago it didn’t happen he wouldn’t let me leave without out big dramas I didn’t have the energy so am still here , I have organized a plan when I can make my exit when I window has a opening
I had to do that a few times. anytime the narc would leave, I would grab as many of my important things as I could fit in my truck, and sneak them to a safe place. once I was able to remove everything but one more load, I waited for my next opportunity, and packed the rest, and never looked back. Make sure to try not to remove anything noticeable until the last run, and hope to god they don't come home while you are doing it.
Hi Terry thank you … please make more videos on how to co-exist with covert narcissists🙏
Hi Elizabeth- I have a few! My latest one is here: czcams.com/video/UIqesLGijU4/video.html
Amen "no contact" ugh I have 2 Kids with this man and no money to move out just now! I'm on the right path to make those changes needed in my life!
Thank you so much!
You're welcome! ❤️
It’s not that simple for everyone and it’s refreshing for a professional to acknowledge this. When I engage it makes it worse and when I grey rock he seeks revenge. No entwined in yet more litigation and I’ve not had contact with my son for nearly 4 months. These people are just cruel beyond belief. I’m heartbroken 💔 and so is my son although he is very brave I know he is in allot of pain. I just want it to be over.
You have a wonderful channel ❤🥳
Thank you!!!!
OMG yes! I'm so glad you made this video, because not everyone is in the same situation all the other videos say "oh just talk to the person the best way is to communicate with your partner you doubts feeling thoughts plans etc, be honest and open" 😑😑😑😑😑 REALLY?!?! Yeah that's like digging your own grave, nooooope it's not one size fits all. My current life situation with my REPTILIAN NARCOPATH is lol like you said, we are married 5yrs together a total of 10yrs, I'm completely dependant on him and we have a baby together, I have a 10yr old from a previous relationship which he raised pfff since she was like 9months old. We have lost we have gained we have cried we have laughed we have shared our life together all of these years making mistakes and growing as a person maturing and building our own foundation from scratch for what worked for us not our grandparents, parents, siblings, ancestors, neighbors..... or so I thought! All the while he was cunning, deceiving, manipulating, silver tounge devil. As time passed I never thought of him I'm such a negative light but looking back I feel such guilt that I didn't see it, and I beat myself up for it because maybe I knew but I did nothing and I continued to accept and forgive while putting my daughter through this hell blind to the impact it has on her, that's what hurts the most, because she had no say in it she HAD to take it, all the times I was beat up, sobbing uncontrollably, humiliated publicly, left completely homeless from one moment to another without warning with my daughter no help no money no food no family no job no Friends no nothing, just days from loosing our home and pets who where like family to me, and all our belongings (that was traumatic enough now just
Imagine your at a hotel feeling so broken from loosing all your practically your whole Life and then all the sudden your spouse who your legally married to says "this is too much for me I can't do this" and walks out with no explanation and leaves you high and dry with a CHILD, I would think that he would have the heart at least for the kid he raised as his own to have the decency to think about her well-being but apparently not because he was too busy partying with some co-workers one in particular who he considers EXTRA special, yeah a lover! So there i was COLD AF! HUNGRY AF! THIRSTY AF! DEVASTATED AF! with my child and my cat 11pm at night in a WAL-MART PARKING LOT just wow like I can't even specify how it felt, it was a powerful physical+emotional+mental pain in my stomach and my chest even my heart hurt, I know that feeling don't cause physical pain but I swear it hurt physically, I was shaking I just couldn't keep it together, I even developed a stutter 😣 I remember looking at my little girl when she finally fell asleep with the cat curled up beside her. 😢😢😢😢 Man this is bringing back to much pain my stomach is hurting ugh! We had to be hiding from the security guard so he won't kick us out. That is just one of the hardest times I will never forget, As a consequence to him.) I later found out he was going out to nice fancy expensive dinner dates with other women he worked with they all knew about me and the he was married but that didn't stop them and that he would even take them to his family's house because they party often And they would just chill and have a great time and that his brother in particular and sister And Aunt and mother would all talk shit about me and give him advice And more ideas about how to screw me over more, his own MOTHER wow I took care of her when noone else wanted to, I took her I'm my home, gave her all my time, as she was very sick on dialysis because of diabetes and she was blind! RIP 10/15/18...... Yeap😩 unbelievable, fast forward 2 years later and here we are with a baby of our own (YES I WENT BACK TO HIM OK, I KNOW UGH 😒😒😒) Baby BALTAZAR he's just the most cutest little butter ball he has huge light brown eyes with big lashes chubby pink cheeks, no neck 😆😆😆 double chin cute little rolls on his legs omg when he says "MAMA" I wanna scream hahaa and he walks like a cowboy🤠 ..... Anyway So you can see there is alot of entanglement and it's not so easy to say goodbye👋 sadly, and even if I did I wouldn't be happy either 😔 it's just the way it is.
P.S. there has been so many other drama and catastrophic events willfully caused by him, and I realize that talking bad about my partner is a reflection of myself, but I don't think stating facts is badmouthing, I apologize if I came across that way and I hope someone can see these patterns in my story and hopefully not take 10years of your life to realize that maybe YOU or a relative, friends, bottycall, husband, wife, bro, sis, tia Norma, tia Yoli, abuelita, coworker, Boss, neighbor, the owner of your nearest 7eleven, la senora de los tamales, neice, the guy from Craig's list you hired, selfproclaimed professional in his country, to do a bootlegged plumbing job or do lawn work or install an alarm system on your truck or whatever is a psychopath, sociopath, malignant narcissist, covert narcissist or just have that TYPE of personality because you can have the traits and not necessarily be an actual narcissist, you have to be diagnosed and have caused direct hard that has had an impact on multiple peoples lives. Thanks for your time if you read my rant lol take care ✌️☮️
I hear you and I'm witnessing you! Thank you for sharing.
@@terri_cole you replied 😃 I'm so blessed to have found your channel, your truly helping me and so many others, thanks for the support it's an honor 😌
I intentionally Misunderstand them as well...
I think this is crazy to have to dumb ourselves. Get out at all costs, go homeless or go to a shelter with other women who have experienced abuse. Do whatever you need to do to get away and get out!! and know that God really does have your back. You will be okay.
My partner always says it’s so easy to get a bite out of me. I’ve noticed that when ever I’m in a good mood, he’ll say things that he knows will annoy me and then he will insult me and say nasty things to me and blame me for being angry and tell me I need to get used to his banter….
I am so sorry you're experiencing this in your relationship ❤️
Excellent💖
Thank you
It's funny, because that is something I tried to develop in the last year of so, to be really boring, it is a prevention method, because you don't need to go no contact if you don't get into contact in the first place. :)
Dramatic people will avoid you, and you end up being invisible almost. You are also right about boredom.
This is gold! I’m curious to know however if it would work on a narcissistic father! I don’t think I came across narc fathers in your videos (at least the ones I was able to go through in the past 24 hours) is it possible to apply the grey rock? I am emotionally detached from him but the matter of the fact is that I still live under his roof, and it is not easy to move out where I am from. So I wanted to know if you have any advice for that
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THIS VIDEO! My narcissist is an adult stepdaughter. I absolutely cannot break even during any interaction. I will be a grey rock!!
I did join the bootcamp; but, unfortunately, I refuse to support Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg may need a big grey rock thrown at him. LOL. Any chance of finding another form of communication?
B Johnson Good point!
Hahaha! If you want to join the Boundary Bootcamp course, there is def an option for NON FB users because you are not alone in your feelings about FB! terricole.com/bb2017
B Johnson Hilarious cuz Zuck got slammed
I have the same situation. Unfortunately, after caring for my grand children while she went through college, she received her bachelors degree and moved as far away from me as possible to hurt me...and it did. She now tells them stories about what a horrible and abusive person I am. I haven’t seen them since they were 5-8 years old so she can tell them anything. They don’t remember all of the love and care we had. PSYCHOPATHS always win.
Sandy Carr
No they don't. You gotta just let them think they do, to preserve YOUR sanity. Disengage, refuse to dance 💃. It takes two to tango. God don't sleep!!
Great video but low volume.
No contact is the most dangerous thing, best thing to do is go into grey rock withdrawal and bow out.
Bahaha you just bought up grey rock. Guess I jumped the gun but leaving my comment as validation. PS I had my situation in 2011 with a psychopath whereby I first went NC but the repercussions where so great I had to re-engage in order to fade away. I knew nothing on the psychology of this at the time, I am an empath.
What if the “shiny thing” is your child?
I have two after me. All about power and control. My ex tried to kill me and my daughter last year. My ex s driving past my house all the time, thinks he owns me. All negative. Always takes me back to court .These sick people really make it hard to trust anyone.
Sarah Foster
The judge wasn't there when you were creating them. YOU gotta become the judge and do what is necessary protect yourself and the kids. For me...I disappeared with them!
He didn't come after us for custody and parenting time, because his money was more important. To hell with money, me and the children's well being, OUR MENTAL HEALTH was paramount to a dollar.
God will open windows where doors are closed! He will open cupboards when the fridge's empty! I stepped out on faith. These children deserved a better life! That generational dysfunction STOPPED with these children!!
A year & some months later...WE'RE IN A BETTER PLACE. The children are happy! They're back to skipping and flipping all over the house! THIS is the day we went through hell and back for....NOT GOING BACK!!
Keep moving forward. Do not reset the clock by going back! Blessing to you. You can do this!
@@hyg44gu54 please pray for me I am in a very difficult situation
@@hyperplasmicsurprises6013
I have you in my prayers. I wish there was a way for you to contact me w/out putting personal information on here. 😭 Nevertheless... praying. Hold on.
How did your husband try to kill you your daughter my X covert narc tried to poison me with antifreeze
@@hyperplasmicsurprises6013
You made through another day..🤗 YOU NEED A SOLID, safe plan on getting out.
This is exactly what happened in a relationship I had. I was not completely unaware of what he was, but it hadn't reared up in full, when I became very ill. I spent 3 months on hospital, and then returned home for convalescence. I was completely different, looked awful and couldn't do much. I came out of hospital in the December and he left me in the January. I got serious red flags after I got home, he had given my dog away, and some other random stuff.
It wasn't until after he'd gone, that I truly realised what he was. Lucky escape.
I am glad you are safe and healthy now. You are better off without someone like that. You matter and you are worthy of love.
My partner was diagnosed with multiple myeloma last year. I had no support and this lady was 20 yrs my senior in her 60s she showed her concern but started being heavily critical. She messed my head mocking me while she lived with her husband who continues to cheat her. She kept talking how horrible narcissist people were but she was the same.
Viewers, " how to cope " starts from 6:50.
Than you, thank you .. My husband like to push my button. GRAET super GRAET . You
help every body. He is good, but I can't please him. ❤️🌹love Tica.
Terri thank you so much for this video so appreciated! I was wondering "what if" this person is your landlord and let's say you can't move out for x reason, what would be the consequence of using this method? I can only thing of one consequence which is asking me to leave...Am I missing something? Thank you Terri!
Amour,
If you pay your rent on time, I doubt he will ask you to leave even if you Gray Rock him. (the $ is what is in it for him and if you are subtle with how you become "uninteresting" he will find another victim. Thanks for sharing here with us!
I write something what others mention already. Our neighbour is a psychopath. And she truly has a shiny, gold (!) Mercedes. She has bought it second-hand, but she does not know that we know. So what her sons do - mock us for having an ordinary car... because they have 4 cars. She mocks me for my hair - it does not matter if it is freshly washed, or untidy... and the list goes on and on. She never gets tired of us whatever we do. I am really helpless...😭 She simply always finds a reason to feed herself - if I go to garden for a walk, or plant, or go to a balcony... She sends her sons to observe us and "make us nervous". There is no way out.
Thankyou
My tactics naturally before i found the narc videos was naturally grey rock , because i was recieving unwanted attention , but then i was sad because i felt like this person was controlling me , so i kept turn the greyrock method into an act whilst still being my happy peaceful energetic self whilst not engaging with her but soon as we engage in something i go grey rock . It was very satisfying but i see she still hungers even more but i starve her by controlling my emotions when she says things to upset me by being firm but not emotional . And not engaging in arguements she likes to stir up . She hates when i speak my point but dont argue with her about it , to me it shows my strength in not backing down while also not feeding her and truly makes her expose herself more and more . Now i live in peace . Until i discard her because truly she never believe in me being my own person that i could be succesful with out her .
I don't see how it can work. The main problem with abusers is they try to force break your boundaries. The sole fact of saying 'no' to their demands makes the relationship interesting to them, and they will say hurtful and manipulative things. Also, my therapist insisted that I use that method with my abusive mother and she tried to kill me. This is not good general advice, it might only work for a limited number of victims.
Hey Terri, I would love to talk to you about the point you make on the min 7:36. I really need some strategical advice. Thanks
If you want me to weigh in you can write it here and I will try answer it as I don't have a private practice any longer. Thank you.
Grey rock
Stonewalling
No contact
Yes! In German we say: "be a white paper", meaning nothing to pick there, no supply.
As I listen to this video about being boring and uninteresting... I think that I possibly interact with people in general this way. My childhood was chaotic - mother schizofrenic, father is very narcissitic possibly NPD. Being authentic was probably not safe maybe? Greyrock is probably the opposite of being authentic. Being a co-dependent type and needing to learn to be authentic yet at the same time with some people going grey rock......
It is a way of disassociating as a form of protection, which would make sense from the childhood experiences you shared. Good therapy could help you understand when you feel compelled to use it and why so perhaps you will have more of a choice. Thanks for sharing here with us.
My narc grey rocks me to keep me coming back for more of his b/s... he doesnt talk much and here i am doing most of talking etc .. many times i mirror his behavior. not going to waste much time trying to get him to talk.
Does this method work with a narc mother?
It can. I would watch this video I did specifically about how daughters of narcissistic mothers can protect themselves: czcams.com/video/hFrmWNieN_c/video.html
The program says it starts in May which has already past. Is this an on-going program that I can start now or do I have to wait for a certain date? How much of it goes into descriptions of what a narcissist is? I already am well aware of that and most videos on CZcams spend 3/4 of the time on explaining the different types and very little on how to deal with them. I know there is litte to do in dealing with them, but that is exactly where I am right now and don't want to spend money on a course to define, determine or recognize the signs--I'm past that. Thanks for your answers.
Hi there - yes, the course is available to take at any time. You can check out all of the details at terricole.com/nnn. If you have additional questions, you can email my team: support @ terricole . com (without the spaces) and they'll be happy to answer whether the course is what you're looking for ❤️