Should I Apologize To My Ex (After Learning About Attachment Theory)? | Relationship Advice
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- čas přidán 8. 09. 2024
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In this video, I’m going to talk about Should I Reach Out Or Apologize To My Ex After Learning About Attachment Theory?
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I could listen to you for hours. Whenever trigger happens you are my escape.
Wow same that is exactly how i feel, i would binge watch her videos.
I think the most important thing regardless if you reach out or not is you recognize what you did wrong and come up with an effective strategy to better yourself moving forward. I wasn’t able to reach out to my ex due to domestic violence. However I do recognize where I did not show up my best in my relationships. ♥️
Well done. Sounds like you are definitely on the right path. 👍🏽
@@Present4 thank you. I have never felt more loved than my self love journey
Its true. Takes us to a peaceful, patient place that make us ready to understand, appreciate and truly love others. 👍🏽
Great insights. thanks for sharing that with us Jessica :)
-PDS team member
Apologies mean a lot to me so i would always appreciate hearing that from someone.
Do you suppose DA's are able to apologize ? For anything related to emotions I mean... even if not for something as high level as what's discussed in this video... 🤔
@@RK-jz7xt The DA i know apologizes. And i did the test and got equal score for FA and DA lol. I apologize too. But we are both Christians so i'm sure our faith has a lot to do with wanting to apologize to people we hurt
@@DoReMeaCulpa that is very encouraging to read... about tge DA friend I mean... as for the partner thing...
I'm wondering if I understood this ... 🤔... are you sort of hinting that vulnerability is nearly the most difficult part of the apologies for a DA?
@@DoReMeaCulpa that's a very useful perspective... thank you...
I did it 3 weeks after my breakup. I wrote a e-letter about attachments and love languages. It was really great idea for me to do it! I sum up all the stuff I wanted to say and it was really big realise for me. I reccomend to do it if you are feeling it, but take your time, really think about stuff you want to say and also about your intentions and then do it, because you may end up apologizing for everything and not all reasons to break up is caused by attachments. He also didnt responed to the letter (its few months now) but it was not my intention so I dont mind.
Did he ever respond?
@Fallen_Angels No, he did not. Its almost 2 years. But I met his friends out one night and they told me that he did not know how to respond and definitely read it few times, because he was asking them for advice to what to respond. But he did contact me though... trough ig and fb also after I unblock the contact. I did not respond to any of that. I still reccomend to write it and to send it, but via email, because it looks like a letter.
What if I’m the ex of a FA who had no idea what was happening until these videos, and I wanted to share that I didn’t know where she was coming from until now? I really loved her but was so confused and hurt at what was happening, and it’s been really good to understand some of the motivation of her behavior.
The fact that you came to this place of understanding is amazing. She may not be aware of it herself yet or if she is she may not want to take the route of apologizing and explaining why she did or said things she did. If you guys are on speaking terms or are still friendly, maybe you could find a way to just tell her what you realized. Anyway, I just felt compelled to answer you because your question/realization is beautiful. Best wishes.
I did apologize to him, as I only realized that there was such much that I didn't know or do right. It also made me not go back to him, unless I see growth in him in key ways.
Like I have so much remorse for how my behavior affected my ex. I’m AA leaning FA and he was DA… I just cry for a moment at how much I hurt him and never really apologized. I was too caught in how I was feeling all the time. 😞
Same and I did it to the only guy I loved that deeply I would like to apologize but there has been decades since we last spoke. I dont want to freak him out then hurt him more.
@@michellegirau8136I’m in the same situation. I don’t want to do any more damage or remind him of me so I don’t do anything, but the guilt is eating me up.
this is true, i did it some months ago with an ex and it's incredibly healing and freeing.
My counsellor advised me to just email them and ‘simply apologise and wish them well’ (sticking to the purpose) - our relationship ended five years ago (we dated for two and a half).
I caused a lot of unnecessary args - I’m FA. I think he’s AA.
We weren’t really compatible but at that time we were fresh air for each other (mostly). There were inequalities on both sides and it was just toxic looking back.
This comment section seems divided. I don’t want him back but I would like to acknowledge and apologise for my behaviour. It wouldn’t be for validation or even a response (though that would be a positive).
I would be grateful for anyone’s opinion!!!
You answered your own question when you said-" I would like to acknowledge and apologise for my behaviour." It will make you feel better and it's the right thing to do - so do it :) I wouldn't overthink this, especially if you are ok with not getting a response (not saying you won't btw). It takes a big person to say sorry, so i would go for it :))
Why do you say it’s ok for them after they have destroyed somebody. It’s not. It doesn’t matter if they have past trauma etc there is no excuse or reason that it is ok for this destructive behaviour. I have been driven to the brink of suicide because of an FA partner that was triggered over something I did that led her to think I would be abusive like her previous partners. This behaviour is inexcusable
This is a really interesting topic! I have observed that as heal we become better at understanding our patterns, understanding others and our needs and expectations.
SO true! good observatiob :)
-PDS team member
This was about my pain. It wasn’t a reflection of what I thought about you.
I reached out to him
Explained it all
It was to late
I caused so much damage and couldnt get him back ..
I am an avoidant
I reached out to a girl i was talking to that I really respect but ghosted. I also have had conversations with my ex about it. My goal was to give them understanding. I didn't need anything from them 😎
What if your intention is to gain closure and further your healing, but also to get them back? Do apologizes in this regard not matter. I’ve been meaning to apologize for being so critical and for other aspects that I recently learned were about me, but I also really want him back. How do I go about that?
this is soooo good thank you so much for this!! i hope there is a version of this for getting back together and making it work, the example on 4:46 explained my first major conflict with my FA s/o (first s/o too, this is the first time my abandonment wounds got triggered). We didn't really "break up" but currently at nc and i already tried to message him about him in a healthier approach now and he responded but very subtly and is still on "deactivation mode" as i "paralyzed" him and i understand that it will be tough to coax him back to talk to me but i know better now so i am working on self soothing and not taking things personally (im secure leaning ap). He is a really soft person and a great listener and its very easy for me to communicate with him so I know that if we cooperate and approach this in a healthy manner we can get through this.
Thank you for this video
As beinf FA and DA i kept beating myself up when i realise how bad my patterns was and how i kept rejecting the person that loved me the most ..
After being aware of my attachement pbs i tried to make it work witch didnt happen because he had enough of my behaviors..
I am still having a hard time accepting the way i am and how i acted in the past ..
I will keep reminding myself not to beat up myself.. Thank you
please do not beat yourself up fo r how you were in the past. You didn;t understand what you do now. Focus your energy on healing yourself and being good ot yourself so you can be good to others :)
-PDS team member
Thank you a lot for you response
It means so much to me
Advice like this from professionals means a lot
Because its only then that i believe that it was out of my control
I feel the same way. I've been in no contact for 7 months now. I caused the breakup, several times, pushing and pulling. He grew tired of it and moved on. But wanted to remain friends. Which was absolutely heart breaking for me. I wanted him back and he said no, as he was in a rebound. I had to go no contact in order to heal. Still the hardest thing I've ever done. He reached out around 60 days later to tell me he was mad at me for the no contact. I miss him so much. I caused this to happen. And I blame it on myself a lot. Where he was so angry the last time he reached out I feel now like I can't even send him anything explaining what I've learned about myself. He probably hates me.
No. I apologize to myself for choosing my ex. I responded like a FA instead of walking away, but I apologize to myself for not walking away.
What if you don't want to make amends, but just want to ask what happened, why they acted that way, and inquire about whether they've grown? Not that I was perfect, but I don't feel the need to make amends I'm just curious about them. Some are also still friends. I've tended more toward FA, expressing more avoidance with the needier ones, and anxiousness with the distant ones. Really just curious about having a full circle moment especially as I head into my forties.
Another great video, Thais. With you since 24K followers, Thank you
Happy mother's day Thais!!!
No. I disagree. Although the trauma started in childhood but they made the decision. They made the decision to cheat on their partner way before they broke up. I'm experiencing that at the moment. We are not broken up yet but he has already found his next target and already working his way towards it. Worse thing is, that girl met me and know who I am but still doing that. They are selfish and shouldn't be forgiven.
How bout know what type you attract, and tackle that situation the first time it happens in the next relationship
No, you should not because ultimately you USUALLY are trying to get them back or validation of some type. My guess is 98% of the people who ask it are fa or aa, not da
I agree. I was PA and any time I wanted to talk to my exs it was for some type of validation but I wasn’t over them.
Agreed! I did it and it was not healthy for me at all. I think recognizing your errors and moving in is the best! If you meet later in life then it was meant to be
I think its not like that everytime. Its only your opininon. Sometimes the person really meant something to you and you want to say it because you are can see the patterns and want to show the person their patterns which they can heal or avoid in next romantic relationship. Helping each other grow even outside of relationship is not validation seeking for me.
@@lenkahomolova3715 unless that partner valued growth, that seems like a you want, not a them want. That said, if you can send it with no expectations or hope, have at it.
No
Thank you so much I really needed to hear this! 🥰
My FA ex apologizing would mean the world to me
Do DAs sometimes behave bad on purpose (ghost, ignore etc) so you end up leaving on your own, and they do not have to be the “bad guy”?
Yes
Yes
This is an unfair interpretation of the situation... no one wants to be the bad guy, even you. It shows that fear of abandonment is painful for everyone but manifests in different way. But if they are being criticized, or just facing dissatisfaction from you without clear direction of what to do, it can seem helpless and they may start to feel like you will leave them and not want to put in as much effort. If they don’t break up with you themselves that shows they still hope things will work out, even if they don’t know how. If this is happening this may be a sign to look at the way you are communicating with them and if it can be clearer and less critical.
Yes but it’s not bc they want to necessarily. They know the other deserves better but the internal conflict of not wanting to leave but the guilt of knowing they aren’t giving enough, they will sometimes sabotage the relationship so that the other person leaves. It sucks but it’s due to fears and unhealed patterns.
@@krishnaanand7597 Thank you for the pov. I’ve did the non judgmental script as Thais suggested, stated what doesn’t work for me, gave them the freedom to express as they wish, and exclaimed that i do not feel any bad feelings no matter what their decision is. No response.
ty >3
Hi. I need immediate help. My DA just blocked me saying that I tried to get in touch with his friends in social media.is he dumping me after 10 months or is he testing me ? Please help me.
If you are in a relationship and he is blocking you for that nonsense reason, that is not healthy at all. I would pull away, as it is a sign of disrespect.
@@sandrae2319 turns out that he didn't actually block me. I think he is punishing me for forgetting his boundaries. He will ignore me for a while.
@@NM-vs5lg Focus on yourself and pull back. Good luck ♥️
@@sandrae2319 yes I'm trying ❤️
🤔🤔🤔🤔
I have no present circumstances to apply this to myself, but I would like to make a video request!
Thais, you mentioned that there are a whole other set of steps a person needs to take to qualify reintroducing a relationship to ones life.
I see a lot of people who are in a lot of pain and willing to take any chance they may have at getting back together with an ex. In those cases, they may still use this apology, or even a manipulation to try and achieve that.
So in a world where people are going to use whatever is available to them to try and get back together with someone, I think it would be so important for this video to be out there so people searching for that information might really consider themselves and their own wellness before acting.
Of course, you can't control for people's personal judgement lol. But I wish that more of the relational advice out there was healthy and straightforward like yours. So many, dating coaches especially, prey on people's weakest moments and teach games and manipulation tactics, which honestly just hurts us all.