Women's Sexuality Isn't 'Complicated' | Sarah Barmak | TEDxToronto
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- čas přidán 29. 06. 2024
- On October 27, 2016, some of Toronto’s greatest thinkers and change-makers joined together onstage at TEDxToronto to deliver powerful talks and performances that embodied our theme, Symbols + Signals.
To learn more visit: tedxtoronto.com.
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Born and raised in Thornhill, Ontario, Sarah is a freelance journalist and author. Her first book, Closer: Notes From the Orgasmic Frontier of Female Sexuality, was published in July 2016, with a focus on exploring the cutting-edge science and cultural trends behind women’s sexuality.
Sarah’s message aims to reveal how women today are reshaping their sexuality in new and innovative ways - and how female sexuality is being redefined on its own terms. Sarah’s work has appeared in publications such as Maclean’s, The Globe and Mail, The Walrus, The Toronto Star, This Magazine and Canadian Business.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
Spot on. If this talk makes you feel defensive, you need to unpack those feelings - there's no shame in developing self-awareness.
People with vaginas need to stop being shamed for their sexuality (or lack thereof,) and learn to embrace it.
And people need to listen to them when they tell them what does and doesn't feel good - even if they can't or won't say outright, reading your partner's signals is so important.
And no, this doesn't take anything away from "more important" issues, or MGM/FGM/IGM etc.
My thoughts exactly, if both partners express their likes and dislikes then everybody's happy. Some people are too shy to say what they like or don't like, so it's important to ask.
DZrache HEAR HEAR
If you don’t like something then say something.
Communication is the key.
DZrache if they can’t or won’t say it then you can’t expect that we will know how to read it.
When will i learn that the comments section is a black hole. This particular one is full of self proclaimed women's sexuality experts... Her argument is just advocating for education, experimentation, acceptance, and enjoyment of your preference. She isn't holding men accountable for women's sexual satisfaction, on the contrary, women are responsible for it. The history lessons just bring context to the confusion of sexuality between the sexes. Ya'll need to relax and not feel so affronted by a woman advocating women understand their own needs and desires and not feel bad/wrong/inefficient/shame for their preference.
Shauday Smith that would be all well & good if that was all women advocated for...but you & I both know that's an utter falsehood. Women want EVERYONE to pay attention to them, CONSTANTLY, especially men, who they expect to manipulate & control thru passive aggressive behavior. If women were actually HONEST, with themselves and men...well then, this would be a different planet, then, wouldn't it?
What falsehood do you mean? The sexual accountability thing? That is not a false, whether the women in your life choose to be accountable for their own sexual satisfaction is not up for debate here. The speakers advocacy for accountability, education, and acceptance by women is true. I do not hold my husband accountable for my satisfaction, it is up to me to communicate my desires and preferences every time. Of course he takes pride in being involved in the process but if i don't get where i need to go, it's not his failing as a lover, it's my poor communication/guidance from either being lazy, in a rush, or just not having my head in the game...as it were. lol. It sounds like you've had a lot of selfish and manipulative women in your life. Sorry to hear that, but i bet you could also note equally selfish and manipulative men if you thought on it... i know for every woman that came into my life that was primarily self serving, i can recall the same number of men as well.
Shauday Smith
the falsehood(s) I'm speaking about aren't primarily about sexuality, although they lead to its dysfunction in relationships. You said it yourself: often times ppl don't have their head in the game...this is true of a ton of women, if not most. And pls dispense with the "but men...too" nonsense. Men's faults are on full display, again CONSTANTLY, and we are talking about WOMEN, exclusively. And no...I haven't been mistreated disproportionately by women either, so you can erase that train of thought from the picture as well. What I, and eventually most men, WILL do is hold women ACCOUNTABLE as people, and all the responsibilities included therein. This constant need for gynocentrism to not only be defended, but maintained, is the root of many current issues.
sorry, i still didn't get your original "falsehood" grievance. Not trying to knock your opinion, this is one the rare moments in my YouTubing when someone actually responded to my comment and i am interested in the conversation. So, to take a step back, i want to say thanks for reading my comment and taking the time to press on it some! seriously!
Back to the topic and my original confusion on your use of the term 'falsehood.' You still didn't describe what you meant by it. My "but men [[blank]] too" comment is not nonsense. It's a request to not blanket term an entire gender with a negative generalization that does not further understanding and only belittles the concerned party. I hold men accountable as people and not as generalized stereotypes, which is why i felt confident stating, "but men too" .... because men do too! In specific regard to the area of being self serving as noted previously... it's a human trait and both genders are susceptible to it. To fault only one is disingenuous of holding both genders accountable as people.
In regards to the comment on the amount of negative women in your life, i don't know you, i was making an assumption, sorry it was incorrect. I don't want to throw shade. She acknowledges men's faults in properly identifying and treating of women's sexual issues in the past because it provides context. Valid context to the talk. Women were largely forbidden to enter professional medicine careers, and weren't consulted in tests, experiments, and research studies about women's sex and health. This is not to vilify them, it's just true. These inaccurate studies and assertions only propelled distorted perceptions of women and sex. This isn't saying, "men bad! men wrong!" this is just a note of history to aid in understanding the disconnect.
However, she doesn't note that a lot of women self propelled many distorted opinions on women's sexuality throughout history around the world. That it was the mothers and grandmothers that circumcised their daughters.
Hey SS, I'm commenting only because you mentioned you don't get many replies to your comments... and I wanted to leave one that you deserved to get. Just to say thanks for adding additional fine insight. I'm a man who's spent a lifetime trying to figure out what women want, and a large chunk of that time focusing on one woman, my wife. I don't feel much closer to an answer... except when I acknowledge that one answer probably isn't the way to go. I don't get why so many of my fellow sex are so terrified when a woman speaks about how it is or might be for women. Personally, I find the topic fascinating. Because, why wouldn't I? Anyway, thanks for your comments... you sound like a pretty sharp person.
It's really unbelievably wrong to not have a body part in the anatomy books.
Not per se, it's just because it has an important function that is unbelievably wrong. Besides, that only goes for really old textbooks
YES. "They could have just asked women about their experience"
Not in that time u didnt do that or her husband would be knocking your door down.
and then women would just fail to tell or formulate, like this one failed to deliver something worthy listening ... or at least something(!) useful
@Ezio Auditore Da Firenze why on earth did you do it? ))
Scientists dont necessarily ask subjects what they truly want to know, they observe and report. Actions and behaviors speak louder than words.
@@carlsmith7629 you are
This explains a lot for me as a young woman, thank you so much! 🙏🏽💖
Thank you Sarah for spreading awareness!
A great TED-talk! Thank you Sarah Barmak
beautiful i love you i am single
A woman needs to find out what works for her, and then find a partner who is willing to cooperate with her to ensure that they both experience full pleasure.
I totally agree, its mainly womens fault for not telling their partners what pleases her. However why should women find a man who is "willing" to please us. Why should it be something we have to search for, any decent man or women would at least try to please their partner. You sure dont see men trying to find women who are willing to please them.
I think there are plenty of men too that are willing to try out and cooperate with their partner, sometimes though, it feels like we (as men) are trying more to find out what is it that she needs than she herself...
Some women flat out won't say what they actually like as if they are scared of it or they just want you to be able to read their mind. Instead she tollerates the guy doing it all wrong and she pretends to be happy because she lacks the backbone because she thinks it will possibly very very slightly challenge / upset someone, when actually the guy would be more upset from repeating the wrong action.. So that's just her problem really if she refuses to speak about it at all and best to leave her alone, because who knows what else she secretly puts up with.
@@georgekurgansky5986 I completely agree with that part, she needs to know what works for her, if she doesn't know yet, that's okey but she need to start trying to find out the things she likes because then, she will be able to communicate and teach her partner the things that she likes and how she likes them done, instead of ignoring that aspect, and expect that her partner do everything and magically find out what she likes and how she likes because at the end of the day, the one that will be complaining will be her. It's not my history, but it's the fact that help us to improve our communication (me and my gf) and enjoy everything more together with less stress and pressure
@@georgekurgansky5986 "She lacks the backbone to do it" Sometimes quite rightly so, but I wouldn't call it lacking a backbone, but intuitively knowing that he will not respond well if she does state her needs. Plenty of women dance around men in and outside the bedroom.
A Masterpiece talk that overwhelmed all my Senses! Grateful, Grateful 🙏✨
Camera zoom-in should have been made when the diagram of the « Non-linear response » was shown.
YES....Some video editing to show that and also other info on the overhead screen would have been nice.
As a man, I am pretty sure that most of us could use that same advice.
You're so awesome, stay cool!
As a man, I have know idea what you mean
Turn in your Man card. You’ve lost all Man privileges.
Stay golden, Joern. Stay golden. (Also, if you feel that way and liked this video, check out The Good Men Project! It's chock full of equally interesting and even more applicable-to-you information there.)
Men need to learn how to love a woman in order to get her to desire to be made love to. Men don’t know how a woman’s desire works.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why, as a born American, I love Canada, and seriously may move there in the near future.
They are so open minded about things.
Love y'all up there.
As a South African(an outsider) looking into American culture, I'm starting to think you can't say or do anything without being politically correct or worrying about offending someone
@@melonie_peppers Aaaaand you would be totally correct with that observation of yours! (: That being said, it's even worse in Canada than in the US... "Open minded" my *ss! ^^
@@melonie_peppers canada is actually more politically correct than America. So i don’t understand this original comment.
This is nothing short of enlightening! Bravo!
A few things under estimated in regards to feeling attraction and lust: kindness and respect. Getting back what you invest in someone. As well as excercise and plant foods.
Vikylondros
In my experience women aren't attracted to kindness
When men show kindness and respect they are immediately put in the orbiter friendzone. I like your view though.
I value kindness and strength of character more than anything in a mate. I need to be able to trust someone. It's not really that complicated, but I can see how not being a good person would make some of you "confused".
@@samantha8178 You must be older, younger women look on basic kindness as either a "creepy manipulation" or as a weakness to be exploited. Now I only show kindness to proven women, men and children.
While there are many good points brought up here, I think it's VERY clear that it IS 'Complicated'!!!
This is going in circles but the point was that it is deemed complicated because it is alienated.
Yeah it would seem so, but she’s advocating for learning and understanding to decomplicate
@@fistnamelastname5130 learning doesn't make something less complicated, you just understand it better
Quote: "Women can begin an encounter for many different reasons that aren't desire, like curiosity."
I think there are a lot of men who would have deep understanding for such a ladies. It is really not complicated at all.
But I don't see many women show curiosity towards a homeless man. For a man : No competences = no money = no woman in your life
@@jakobole This is really simple. Only few words. Not complicated at all.
@@mladendelic7284 You got me :)
@@jakobole To be fair, pretty much all of society ignores the homeless
@@jakobole Why would they though?
DEEEEEP DEEEEEP GRATITUDE for your work!!!!!! 🙏🙏🙏 From Belgium, Europe
if you having all fake relationships that doesnt go anything beyond physical things. dont expect to be totally satisfied
It’s 80% in my mind and 20% in the physical. Make love to my mind for God’s sake. So endeavour to understand the individual. Also, Partners would rather lift their arms to drink than stimulate their partners. Laziness.
There's the rub, men's ratio may be flipped - 20:80. May also explain the popular men's refrain of, "I can't read your mind."
"Make love to my mind" ahem... (stares in confusion) and how do you do that?
Joel F. Cardenas take an interest. Learn her likes and dislikes. What moves her to tears. Know her eye colour. Tell her she’s beautiful/smart/clever etc. take her breakfast in bed. Buy her perfume/flowers/a book. Encourage her to follow her dreams. Help her follow her dreams. When she feels loved/seen/appreciated she will bloom like a rose in the garden, brighten your day and treat you like a king.
That's sounds entitled
@@Lionofthelovinggod1 And what would you consider an equal reciprocation to all of that to be?
Very informative ... I didn't knew about most of the interesting topics discussed here. Thankyou for sharing.
Hope it makes me better partner from here on :)
Yep. We should develop and learn in order to be a better partener in the future if we want someone by our side in the future
Sad that even an insightful video like this brings out the moronic chauvinist comments that are, sadly, the basis of our society. Keep fighting Sarah!
It is still unbelievable to me that we live in a modern world, yet in the best cases men still ask women about their bodies, although it should be public information at this point
Woman, men....its all in your head. The quicker you figure that out, the quicker you will reap the huge benefits of knowing. It changed my entire life.
Can you specify what you mean? Maybe I don't understand what you mean because I'm not a native speaker
@@bobafett4457 You don't understand what he meant because it's so vague it's almost meaningless.
No. While it's true that far less divides us than society makes us think, the medical aspects are actually the part where the physical distinction is very real. And the different effects of misogynistic socialisation also effect people unequally and that must be discussed before we can move on to the "Only few actually relevant differences, the rest is in our head" part. We're nowhere near that yet.
Better understanding is long overdue. Is this the whole talk? Am I the only one who wants more? I feel like this is a good introduction to a good book. I now want chapters 1,2,3,... etc lol. As a male and father of two girls, I am very shocked by that fact that such diagrams are still absent from text books. That's scandalous really. I want and need a source of information on this topic to get better informed and, one day, when my girls are old enough, I will be able to point them in the right direction for the best information on the topic. Can anyone give me a good link? I haven't figured out how to google this topic without having issues finding good answers if you catch my drift... lol
M You could start with my channels :) I do my best to explain after studying these subjects for years now. Understanding women is critical these days, as it always has been
The speaker has written a book on this very subject, I'm sure if you Google her name you'll be able to find it :)
A long time ago, it was suggested that I move out of their path and leave it to them. Seemed liberating to me...Taking this to heart, I don't think about this topic any more than I think about shoes
same deal, so...should we help or not?
2:26 this is the core of the story
I agree,and it's not that complicated once you overstand erotic neuralism and bio- chemistry of both anatomies.(Knowledge of Self on All Levels)
Don't be ashamed to sleep with who u want, dress as u wish, whether the clothes are revealing or not....be yourself!
Interesting difference in perspective. Almost all the suggestions for men I see are around can be boiled down to "be better than you naturally are. Improve yourself." etc etc.
as soon as you not making others sad, everybody free to do whatever they want
Probably one of THE best Ted talks I've EVER watched... And I'm obsessed with watching Ted talks of all subjects. Bravo!
Are the transcripts of this available anywhere?
Comments: men complaining the she didn't talked about man too, men complaining about "women being to complicated". Funny
Adiel Esdras I don’t think she’s trying to simplify because she’s telling it how she sees it She isn’t telling it at a simplified way because she doesn’t think it needs to be simplified for people to understand that it isn’t complicated and I understand that it’s a bit hard to get her point with all she says though
Ingrid Oliveira I believe that 'sad' would be a better choice of word then 'funny'.
Ingrid Oliveira - And men complaining about "women always complaining"
Ingrid Oliveira isn’t this what feminists do all the time? I’m just saying
Ingrid Oliveira - see 😂
Loved it! It is amazing and she speaks the truth!
No tell your man what you like that is truth.
@@slardebard oh, if it was only that easy slardebard.
@@molliemcnerny4243 it is that easy, problem is to many women dont know what they want.
slardebard The one question no woman throughout history has ever given a straight answer to: “What do you want to do tonight?”
Still think asking her will actually go anywhere?
Muy buena charla. Recomendadísimo el libro de Sarah Barmak, "Orgasmo"
Thank you, so much 💜
Great and informative👍👍
Thanks. great talk
What I'm picking up is some hesitancy to define it might actually be a good thing.
An important correction... male ejaculation, aka climax, is not the same as orgasm. An important correction for the comparison made to incite an unjust “orgasm” gap. Men, are also generally uneducated about their own bodies.
About men being uneducated about their own bodies -- a lot of men and women think that circumcision does no harm, while foreskin is incredibly important for both.
Excellent talk, full of insights and humor -- thank you very much.
This video is perfect for all those women who never seem to find a relationship partner but are experts on relationships through their endless analysis.
Being a journalist and not an expert in the area she's touching on
Use your hand, it's your best friend. It has known you forever.
ferociousgumby ....😁😂
ferociousgumby I’ve often wondered if the modern vibrator has altered the way women learn their bodies 🤷♂️
What's modern about it?
I thought the old one was a horse...
(SpellCorrectingHumour: House 🏠 works as an aphrodisiac, afaict)
For sure!!!
@@burkeyatm I think some of them have been designed that way
Quando e que a gente vai perceber que o mais importante no mundo e o dinheiro...e tudo anda a roda disso...
I just wanna learn
The problem is most women partner with men they're not attracted to physically. They may be attracted to them for other reasons and then lie to themselves and to others.
Or that most men just aren't attractive to women because they define attraction through their own lense.
@@nightshade7111, how is attraction different for women as opposed to men?
Awesome talk!
Yes it’s complicated
Nice facts. WAY more complicated than it is for men....and that is ok.
You mean not okay?
Brilliant
Beautiful woman. Great speech. Made me think and my soul stir--pardon my hippiness.
Insert tab A into slot B,
Ok I'm done, was it good for you?
Back in the day - there was a NAME for what we currently call "Pharmaceutical Drugs". It's a Very Old name that still applies to about 80 % of the drugs people take today. That name was - "SNAKE OIL"...!!!
I found this by searching how to understand women..
It's a great start 😂
Don’t waste your time. The goalposts are on wheels.
@@mikem6176 big dum dum
@@mikem6176 no bitches?
Someone get her a glass of water.
Dry thounge
Do not we have enough people in the world.? As a guy, if you get enough denials of intrest then you say, I give up.
Thank you
This was an amazing talk. Thank you.
Ohj, what a spontaneous speech..
That circle is the same for men
Agreed!
Everyone knows that. Nearly everyone.
When you refuse to communicate your needs of course you'll be misunderstood.
o. t. An “understanding partner” is every bit in the dark as a clueless oaf if she keeps her mouth shut.
Mam, you did not talk about the men who don't care, what do men need to understand about our bodies?
Great video!!!!!!
Why not just tell men then. The idea that most men don't care about the woman's pleasure isn't true.
@ livingstranger. I don't think that's the problem. The problem is that many men feel insulted that women would try to speak to them about these things. If a man really loves you and wants to please you, he won't feel insulted but will take the advice on work on it. But there are many men with egos who would feel insulted.
I don't feel insulted. My experience is that women will not share, maybe... because they do not even understand themselves. But the women who did know themselves, and knew how to tell me, were by FAR my favorite and the most fun ;)
It might be rare but the women i've been with sure had no problem telling me what they liked and what they didn't. I listened and adjusted ofcourse because i loved them and would've done anything within my power to make them happy.
This is every man i know.
@@elenaduran5174 that has not been my experience. I would relish the communication. I think this is an excuse women use for a failure to communicate.
Elena Duran no ma’am I love feedback most men do women reach climax differently than men do etc most men want a woman to talk about what she wants it’s extremely important for y’all to talk to us we aren’t mind readers but the same is true that some men aren’t concerned with the woman’s pleasure in contrast to his own
Truly amazing❤
For some reason she sounds a LOT like Helen Hunt to me. :)
I think she was just advertising her book here.
One pill? I prefer conceptualizing regiments
Aww I love this
Meaning I really appreciate the counter culture approach to things taken for granted by tradition
The fight is great, keep fighting and I support
Men, if you didn’t get anything out of this it’s because it wasn’t made for you.
And so you want to keep it your little secret?? Sorry ladies, time to start sharing.
@@geeyore7726 Start sharing? Sure, let's start sharing. Let's share by making all medical studies a 50/50 split of genders when we study non-gendered medical conditions and medications. Maybe then we'll actually have symptom and side effect lists that don't result in women literally dying of things like heart attacks because our doctors don't know how our bodies differ from men's.
@@angelicahill3456
You picked the wrong example to make your case.
Women are like children.
They want...and need ...to be controlled and dominated.
A dominant, benevolent male is society's best friend.
Your gratitude will be appreciated; but isn't necessary.
These are the same guys crying like babies on the Gillette commercial. Uphill battle for sure. :(
@@zachvaron
Exactly
Low testosterone/high estrogen causes excessive neuroticism.
Sorry for waiting darling sweetheart love u take care God bless u ..... Rohit Goswami Delhi
Female physicians and psychiatrists have been around for decades. They had every opportunity to figure this stuff out. I wonder they didn't .
MAD SCIENTIST agreed
Did not know about the anatomy error.
If a war comes men do not fight
.
Same way I want to want to go to school
I thought the picture looked more like a wish bone, lol.
That would make sense sometimes you get lucky sometimes you don’t
You miss used the phrase happy ending.
It is an unknown area anybody can say anything and get away with it or say something about it....
Titus: "Also, very important. When you couple with her there's this spot just above her cunny. It's like a button. Now, attend to that button and she will open up like a flower."
Lucius: "How do you know this about her!?"
Titus: "All women have them! Ask anyone!"
What did women say in the early 1900's?
I didn't understand?
essential!
Do you know what's complicated? Javascript's loop.
Ted Talk women are a Javascript loop.
What's complicated about it? What loop are you comparing it to?
Absolutely.
Nice...
101 ejaculation is not orgasm.
So true and they are levels to orgasm as well
It really isn't.
Antidepressants kill my desire.
Is it wrong watching this at 15?🤔
Note:
climax isn't orgasm.
Orgasm is the "let down" after the Peak.
What does she say?
Every time I see one of these talks, I simply replace women/female/girl with everyone. After that it makes sense, and I really get behind the message.
🙄🙄🙄
The Title of this Video is missleading and should be "Women's Sexuality is so much more Complicated than we thought!!!"'
Womens sexuality isn't complicated, BUT womens emotions are a moving target. There is a big difference between complicated and irrational. Something complex can be figured out because it is still relatively consistent. Something irrational is not even usually complex, but you can NEVER figure it out because it is VERY inconsistent. What rendered this response yesterday, may not render the same response today. like trying to shoot a butterfly with BB gun...............................
My Musings some of it has to do with hormones
Mens generally stay at a constant level, a woman has her menstrual cycle, hormones are rarely stable, especially on her period
My musings I'm sure there is truth to that as well. Many people will milk something if it is to their advantage. If a woman is bi polar, she will milk this to excuse all sorts of bad behavior. Women will excuse all sorts of irrationality on their emotions or hormones, they will cry in order to get out of an argument that they are losing, they will get super mad or emotional and become abusive, only to blame it on her hormones the next day (yet if a man did that he would be rightfully labeled an abuser).
Ravenclaw Student, some of it has to do with hormones. Some of it. I've simply seen too many instances where it hasn't been. Sometimes it seems like they're all channeling Caligula.
It should be titled "I am now going to spew opinionated hot air for exactly 13 minutes and nine seconds."
Personally, I think the bubble diagram is a real turn off.
i get it...female arousal is multifaceted and naturally confusing for people they are not sure of making love with (including themselves)but clear as day for those they want to share it with...just one thing though if women have no issue with it why is it still open for definition? when it is trully meant to be mysterious...
Great Talk !
Natrishka yeah
Exactly. Bravo.
Damn!
Michael Douglas Jody
Odd thing..The index of the ancient set of books, Understating Women is about 1m tall. Yet now we have a male, Caitlyn Jenner, who knows the answer and has sorted it out. ...And has always known apparently. Women should ask Caitlyn.
This is spectacular, but someone needed to get her some water.
the best position to find the G point is the inversed missionnary ....
"We need a clearer understanding of how women actually work." LOL!
Truth
“Don’t try to understand women. Women understand women, and they hate each other.”
- Al Bundy
ew what? that is so f wrong? what?
Scott