For as long as I can remember I have known that the drug abuse, mental illness and incarceration of my father had given me abandonment issues and difficultly forming secure attachments. It wasn’t until recently that I realized the relationship I have shared with my mother was unhealthy as well. She meant well, but her dependence on my sisters and I for emotional and financial support stifled our ability to handle basic adult responsibilities when the time came. In our late 20s, we are all facing the hard fact our relationship with our mother has always been codependent. This epiphany was really painful for me. And understanding my relationship patterns have been mirroring this has been eye opening. I hope I can end this pattern and not pass it on to my daughter. I already feel like she’s been through more than she should.
I think I've got a mixed anxious-avoidant style, but I don't truly relate to how you describe the avoidant attitude. What I feel is that 1) I tend to deny how deep my desire to be romantically involved with a particular person is, and 2) I tend to make relationships one-sided, which means I take care of them emotionally and sometimes physically, I make myself responsible for them, but I don't want to give them the "burden" of knowing my pain and comforting me.
I am very similar to you. Although I relate to needing (or needed) validation because I didn't feel good enough. Anything that went wrong in my life I'd have an unconscious expectation for my partner to fix it, or make me feel better. At the same time, I also felt highly responsible for my ex, who I provided a lot of material things for, but didn't provide enough emotional support at all. Her smothering, or dependency on me and having no life external to mine, triggered my avoidant attachment style. It was too much and a huge weight on my shoulders being her only social option. It caused a lot of tension and me harshly venting or criticising. The consequence of that is that it killed intimacy, sex ground to a halt and we drifted. It was so sad. We had tonnes in common and lover spending time together on trips but living together quickly became tough. We didn't respect each other's boundaries, attend to each other's needs or live separate but healthily connected lives. I think I've worked it all out now. Life and relationships are hard :-\
Před 4 lety+2
@@f9054 for me it was childhood bullying and how adults outside of home treated me. There are more moments a person's emotional and interpersonal structure can be damaged.
Welcome to the club. We just don't trust. Trusting would make us vulnerable & vulnerability is our biggest fear jet our grates need and dippest desire.
I never knew what anxious avoidant was until I was with my girlfriend of four and a half years... It's a very weird personality type to diagnose because it has so many variations depending on the childhood and the trauma... Not only was she anxious avoidant but she was also a people pleaser.. you hit on the key points about fear , assuming outcomes based on emotions rather than facts . Deep rooted abandonment, having to be perfect and put others before herself .. fear of failing being criticized, and not understanding constructive criticism... Fearing other people opinions and thoughts about her.. broken perception of what love is, how love works and always questioning me to prove that I love her during difficult conflicts ... Always being helpful sweet and pleasant kind to others because the fear of rejection.. gaslighting during conflicts and derailing the conversation so that nothing is fixed or solved, more concerned about looking pretty and perfect , everyday... Broken and shattered wounded child syndrome , trying to please and put others first before herself... She was an amazing woman thoughtful kind generous helpful but the people pleasing and the fear-based thinking with the lack of communicating and accepting that it's okay to fail in life because if we don't feel then we don't learn and grow.. when I finally figured out her personality I wanted her to fix it and be the best version of herself but as always it's easier to leave and escape rather than fixing yourself
I love the way you explain these issues. I’m a “love addict” and I’ve gone 100% no contact cold turkey with my ex who is a love avoidant, I’m going through week 3 and I just know this is the right thing to do after 2 years of being gaslighted and not getting my needs met. I’m going to focus on myself and work on being more of a secure attachment style. Thanks to him I’ve learned that’s “it’s ok” to not see someone all day everyday lol we would not see each other more than 1-2 times a week and that I think in turn has brought out some avoidant tendencies in me ironically
miketoriant I actually ended up going no contact and within that time frame I forced myself to go out and meet new people to start from scratch since there was so much damage done, I ended up meeting and dating a guy that also had codependency issues as me and we turned out to be extremely codependent on each other all of 2019, so the complete opposite thing happened 😂 I ended up feeling suffocated towards the end of 2019 and broke things off with him unfortunately and that must have triggered his fearful avoidant because things have never been the same between us... we have been back and forth in each other’s lives all of 2020 but we seem to be stuck in a phase of “losing ourselves in the relationship” and “fear of abandonment so we keep each other at a arms length” ... I’ve learned so much from these last 2 relationships and I’m finally happy on my own for a bit until I can manifest a more solid and secure connection
@@vixenvalenzuela wow reading you makes me want to be your friend just so can tell me more. I felt so identified wuth your story. I often go from those two extremes all the time. I am chased or I am chasing the other. I tend to ve sufficated super easy and my fear is also to make the other one suffocate. So I am never meeting someone half way. Like there is no middle point for me in relationships. I broke up with a super dependant man just to go fall in love with a dismissive avoidant who triggered all my anxiety back. I also left him. The end result is always the same: when alone I am at peace.
what's so bad is that it seems unfortunately most people come from childhoods like this. Seems the more and more time goes on with my observations of the world there is hardly any secure relationships(romantic, friends, family).
50% of people are secure. 25% avoidant. 20% Anxious...There are secure functioning relationships being formed and secure individuals out there. Problem is they usually don't end up single often (like avoidants) and sometimes they are rejected by anxious folks because they feel no "spark"/ "chemistry" when dating because their attachment systems aren't' triggered, so they get left/dumped. Bad boy vs (nice)good guy. Nice girl vs Naughty/Mean girl. IMO, of course!
I have done therapy on/off since I was 20 and listen to a good deal of stuff online now. Kristen explains things in a clear relate-able way. Thank you for these webinars : )
I have anxious-avoidant. When my mother was married I was ignored and neglected for 6 years and once she divorced she became depressed and needed me to be her best friend and basically smothered me.
My parents got divorced when I was a kid and my mom talked to me about her feelings/what was happening during it because she was too embarrassed to talk to friends about it. And a few years ago I realized that I never tell anything personal to my mom (or any of my family), instead they just do all the talking. But if I do try to talk to my mom about anything she doesn’t engage in the convo, she just turns it around so she can talk about herself
It's great to hear from somebody who has an educational background, and has had some experience with analysis of others. One of the major problems with people, is that about the stage when we are ready to give of ourselves without a power/profit motive, we are already facing our imminent death. We do not live long enough to emotionally "grow up" an a true sense of the word.
My mother neglected me when I was really young, yelled at me when I cried, and sometimes got drunk and hit me when I was yelling "What did I do?" I have ADHD and was born anxious. I was bullied somewhat out of my home and was practically raised by my grandmother and great uncle who are like my parents to me. I have never looked at my mother and though "mom." All I see is some random person. I resent her and she has caused me depression. She forced religion on me and I'm an athirst now. I now refuse to cry in front of people, I never have. I get angry and hurt at friends and family very quickly and can't let go of grudges until I "make them feel what I feel." I don't care about how bad I am. I can't even hold a romantic relationship. So please, don't have children at 17-18 like my mother, and do it when you really believe you are ready. And if you know they have mental disorders, don't yell at them for having a panic attack or constantly ignore their pain. Almost forgot to add, my great uncle died and my mother never showed up for his memorial. She also lost my great grandmother's ashes and I'll never forgive her. My great uncle and my great grandmother helped raised her. She blames my grandmother for how I feel about her as well.
Im in love with a young lady with a similar childhood its heart breaking. I was raised without a father but in a large Italian family with a lot of love was always giving to me. At 51 learning how to open my mind and heart to be there for loved ones all we can do is create a much better future for the children we are raising I send you love and light
I've watched a few great videos by now and saw you live. This video has made me a die hard follower! This has opened my eyes to so much incite. in efforts to break negative cycles with my kids, I want to learn all I can.
Self aware just made me too scared to ever trust my instincts again , I mean I know what a monster is but since were usually lacking in self love , attracting secure is what we were raised to not deserve
Wow never heard someone explain so many orders of dis regulation or disorders. Orders that were dismissed by the healthy brain that were Hy jacked by the coping brain that has been mangled. It's healing to hear this explained that makes sense.
Omg yes I want someone close but when I get it or I feel smothered I want to run its uncomfortable but when I dont want the closeness physically just emotionally that's the type of closeness I want
eladbari they would not. I’m a fearful avoidant and I dated another avoidant and when things go wrong we both just avoided the situation and don’t talk again. The only way things worked for a while was when I chased him and gave him enough space at the same time to return on his on. Worst part is he was projecting so much of his childhood wounds onto me he just kept self sabotaging. Not that I wasn’t because my wounds were also being triggered which lead me to run away too.
I cannot tell you how much this helped me. I am in the classical anxious married to avoidant and want to work it out. we are learning it will take a lot of work. I pray we can do it.
My Mom had cancer while I was 7-13, before she passed away. My Dad worked a ton and at times he'd leave the country for work without telling me and I'd only find out after ringing him to ask why he was late home. On top of this, all my school friends ignored me one day when I came to school after I befriended a new girl who they didn't like and I had to make all new friends. I feel all of this has really fucked with my ability to attach to people. I love my boyfriend but I need space at times to level my head out to a degree that he doesn't understand and feels I don't really want to be with him. It's tough, especially since my logical brain knows now that my Dad was just doing his best to support our crumbling family and my Mom was also doing her best despite having cancer and major depression. I've fucked up so many relationships because I can't connect with people and when they start falling in love I bail
Wow. Listening & making notes & "therapizing" with artsy doodling...fodder for sharing in session with therapist...thank you. And? The content is so densely packed with valuable and useful material, listening again as I go into mindful movement mode is this morning's updated priority. Again, thank you.
Thank you so much for your professional and informative videos! The fact that you are going into depth about these issues and using facts and science is so helpful. Thank you so much for taking your time to make this channel!
I don’t know I’m still growing (as a late teen) but I’m still struggling a lot.. my father was in jail for about 5-4 years in my childhood. During that time I became very attached, and then my dad came back. I love my dad a lot but I didn’t feel all to comfortable with him. I love him to death but I don’t want to hug and stay near him, unlike my mom. And when I don’t show affection towards him, the way he wants it he gets upset and yells at me. Another problem is that he has anger issues, I love him but I don’t feel all to close to him. He feels to needy and i hats how he screams at me and my for the littlest things... I like staying close with my mom but then there are times when she stays away at times and it doesn’t feel the same. I don’t even understand how to describe how i feel or what I go through.. it’s just going to be more of an issue when I go to college, I don’t even know if I’m gonna do it alone.
Much thanks for your take on the various attachment styles. I also appreciated that I thought I saw u referring to notes when needed. Every body needs help from time to time, even a trained therapist.
Back in May, my youngest toddler-aged son was diagnosed with a non-cancerous, yet still life -threatening tumor of the spine. He has 2 full-time half-brothers I adopted at 5 and 6. They're now 7 and 10. The younger one is anxious, while the elder is avoidant. Can you speak about how dealing with a health crisis with traumatic surgery, recovery, and preoccupation by parents can affect siblings. Please lend incite into how a child may perceive this.
I feel anxiously attached to my parents at 38 years old. I don't really know if there are people like me in my situation who are stuck at home & working Full-Time managing a work life & Faith balance but not knowing having to second guess how my parents are going to react.
I can relate. I felt stuck all throughout my 20's living at home with my dad, and while I anxiously wanted to move out there was a part of me that felt responsible for my dad's wellbeing, leaving me feeling somewhat guilty about keeping contact with my family. I made a decision to put myself first, though. I left
I destroyed my relationship because my interpretation of her being passive was equal to she doesn't care or really love me like I do.I put all myself in this relationship,loved her like no other woman.What made me even angrier is she thought I was crazy like narciscist or bipolar just because I wanted to talk about the issues we had and after a while when you tell me something I am not I wxplode because that's not true.I compromised 90% of the times with her and I was the first one to say I am sorry and recognize my mistakes but her being passive without passion like I was just made me lose it multiple times and the last time I just left because she saw any attempt of me talking about thinks calmy as a attempt to make problems or that I didn't get over it.She made me sleep in her living room for 7 months instead of her bedroom,it was a f mess inside there and right here should be enough to make leave anybody in a situation like this,if you care and love 100% you do fix that bedroom so we can live like normal people.I found out she lost a pregnancy and I never knew until I found out myself from the pictures in her laptop 2 days before breaking up.She kept all things hidden from me and didn't open up to me 100% like I did.All this hurts a lot because I really believed in her and did for all I could,loved her like nobody and bha...not worth it...I hope somebody will appreciate me better for who I am
My last relationship was with an avoidant and I'm an anxious attachment type. It was intense for that amount of time and we made it 4yrs. He did cheat on me along the way and he was witholding of his time. He professes to be emotionally unavailable but I think it's something more nefarious. He has alot of maladaptive behavior and I see the patterns. I made the mistake of taking him back after 3yrs and it went well for the 1-1 1/2 yrs. I see why now bc of the dopamine effect. It lasted for another year before he discarded me bc I called him out on his outrageous behavior and cheating. He gave silent treatment and found out he posted on FB that he in a new relationship right before this came down. I think he set me up to give a reason to break up and go with the cheatee. I see my part but I think hes chasing a dopamine high and will never work a relationship out and blame the other.
pmgc I’m worry for your heart ache . I’ve purposely stayed single for 4 years as I attract avoidance and I’m anxious style or attachment . I haven’t had the healthiest of relationships ..
Yo. Same issue here. With my boyfriend i am disgustingly needy, although its much better than it was previously, however witb my few friends i am so avoidant. I wont answer calls, hang out, or be in any contact with them. But, when we are together we're fine. I just feel awkward. But idk, I was literally alone ALOT for most of my childhood and I had an abusive bipolar sister whose behavior we just don't talk about. So I'm assuming it's a simultaneous longing for that family figure closeness and mistrust of non loving figures. Idk man. Wine has got me thinking
@@abigailb9144 You sound like my ex (don't mean that in a nasty way!) and I don't understand it. She was highly sociable, chatty, friendly, approachable yet was smothering with me and totally avoidant when it came to making an effort with friends. She would often wonder how I had so many friends (I'm not popular, but have a solid group of close friends) and so much to talk about, then she'd say very regularly, "Nobody's text me", and I'd say _every time_ that's because you text nobody! Very frustrating. Anyway, have you worked out why that is in your case? I'm keen to learn to understand better. Not saying you're the same as my ex, but there are similarities there.
How does one with an anxious attachment recover so that they can move on to enjoy a healthy attachment relationship. I understand the “why’s”. HOW does one recover and actually leave a toxic relationship? Is it even possible? After years of therapy I am still literally stuck and feel that if I am alone, I will die.
Significant and lasting change doesn’t happen quickly. However, most of my videos and webinars are dedicated to answering the questions you ask. I’d encourage you to view my other videos and/or look over my suggested reading list. I’m sorry you’re struggling but keep asking for help.
Thank you for your videos...The key thing I think we need to remember is that the labels can distract from the actions. it's more about the overall theme of the label.
Thank you for the videos, I share them and my friends who watch a lot of YT vids (as I do) find them to be uniquely valuable, as do I. Please consider making more! I hope all is well!
Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate this. Just curious: when you’re searching YT topics and viewing/sharing videos, what topics/subjects are they? In other words, what topics would you want me to cover?
Yeah. I would say ditto to that as well. As I mention in other videos, we may be raised by loving people but they are imperfect. And the world around us is extremely imperfect so we can definitely experience/perceive levels of trauma that may inform our future attachments. I discuss this further in several other videos.
I believe my anxious attachment comes not from my parents, who were loving, supportive and traditional, but more from our environment where we moved often and/or my friends moved away. I rarely had a friendship last 2 years because of this. The earliest I remember this is age 4 until... well, until present day. Thank goodness for the internet to keep in touch today, but it’s not the same as having a secure, intimate friend to touch base with and do activities with regularly.
At first I didn't think I identified with being avoidant, but I see a pattern in my friendships I've had, that when I see that person's flaws or feel wronged a number of times, I'm ready to let them go instead of ever expressing that they offended me. Would that be characterized as avoidant or is that something different?
i know this was posted a while back now but i’m wondering how complicated it gets when you are also clinically depressed since childhood. i went through quite a lot on lots of different sides but although you would think i would have become more of an avoidant... i became more of an anxious preoccupied... i am conscious enough to try to make myself better but because i’m in love with an extreme dismissive-avoidant it’s hard to do anything else because he’s constantly avoiding & using things like time as an excuse. still saying he cares & wants to see me. & he’s not the type to really care much for anyone. always busy with responsibilities & work... doesn’t get to sleep much. so i try to be as understanding of that as possible but it’s insane how much he avoids actually seeeeing me. & i think because when we are together physically he is definitely in a more emotional state. he does sweet things like kiss my head and interlock his hands with mine...i think because he is so extremely dismissively avoidant that the more he has felt for me the more he has taken himself away & my noticing that & bringing that to his attention i think has made things worse... i’ve been trying to be clear with him on that if he needs to take his time that’s fine and that i care about making him happy & truly even though i miss him so much and want to see him that i would truly ratherrr him be happy if that’s not what he wants at the time. he at that point still says it’s time. i texted him the other day telling him i think i’m bothering him by texting him so much & i didn’t wanna just disappear but that i thought i shouldn’t text him for a few weeks or so. he answered immediately asking me what i was talking about and telling me not to construct assumptions & basically implying to me that it was not what he would want, without actually saying it. so i may be wrong in assuming that even... idk...he doesn’t usually express emotion but he has told me he loves me back in the past, when i said goodbye to him once. i’ve also been too scared to say it to him since in person because of his avoidant style i’ve been so scared that i’ll say it & mean it so much & he just wont... idk. i trust him in that he believes what he says. but he also makes it a point to completelyyyy avoid discussing anything he wants or needs, as if he has no wants or needs at all. super alpha male...but in a really dangerous way because everyone has needs
after watching more of your explanation later in the video on the anxious preoccupied it definitely makes sense with the hiding parts of yourself to always try to please others. the clinical depression alone would be enough to make sense of that.
Sounds familiar. My former partner has a similar style..that push and pull. Idk I have my doubts about my ex having a personality disorder or traits of NPD.
I am sorry for you. I went through the same thing with my ex for a year and a half and it almost killed me. He was perfect to me; influential and well established in the community, and well liked in church...a real giving soul. He was perfect to me and to everyone else, too. Eventually I felt like he put everyone else before me, while only giving me the leftovers of his time and energy. The emotional push and pull is a perfect description of what happened to me...he loved the chase, but he also loved his space and needed his freedom. There just weren't enough "I Love You's" or fantastic orgasms to overcome the feeling of not being good enough for him and I let it destroy my self-esteem. I got on heavy duty anti-depressants and I've ben able to realize that my own codependency created this problem. I hope you have been able to understand your situation and resolve your dilemma.
It sounds like we are dating the same guy. Wow. My boyfriend is like that to a "T". It hurts my soul how dismissive he is...yet I don't want to let him go. There goes my anxious attachment style lol. How are you doing now?? Sending you love!
Recently discovered I have an avoidance attachment. Honestly it was rather frustrating to listen to this and remember my childhood again. I’d like a deeper understanding of this mental block as I have never had a relationship and I’m beginning to get a sense as to why. Biggest question is how can I get better?
I started crying during this one, always a sure sign this is hitting some emotional area I've been ignoring. This'll sound weird, but thanks for the pain! :)
As Glennon Doyle writes, "Pain is not a sign that you’ve taken a wrong turn or that you’re doing life wrong. It’s not a signal that you need a different life or partner or body or home or personality. Pain is not a hot potato to pass on to the next person or generation. Pain is not a mistake to fix. Pain is just a sign that a lesson is coming. Discomfort is purposeful: it is there to teach you what you need to know so you can become who you were meant to be. Pain is just a traveling professor. When pain knocks on the door-wise ones breathe deep and say: 'Come in. Sit down with me. And don’t leave until you’ve taught me what I need to know.'"
Lovely Lady, this was the most touching and tender of explanations on such a very relevant topic; one I will certainly share with many. Would you consider exploring in a similar vein the disorganised attachment style? Your vids help me a great deal in my work & I serve mostly this population. Sending love and gratitude from the East Coast, my dear~
You nail all the points of who I am, talking about addict person. About manipulation and how this is so quickly automatic. The question is how to sop when you want to change your own life? My relationship just needed with I believe an avoidant partner which I considered the love of my life. Now I’ve lost him and I’ve myself broken. Where to restart?
I strongly dislike love addict as a term. I know I lean more toward anxious vs avoidant but an addict, I am not. Prior to my current interest I was single 5 years. I do not hop from person to person trying to get my fix. I have known this person for almost that full 5 years. I turned off your video once because of the term but I am trying to muscle through because of the bigger picture. I mean these comments with respect but I have to be honest and say anxious tends to describe me more as I work hard to become more secure through therapy.. Ideally I would love if my interest and I could both do some work and meet more toward the middle.of anxious and avoidant on the spectrum. Hell I would even take intense vigilant over addict. Thanks for your information in spite of the unfortunate label choice.
I have something like this. Super scared of opposite sex when I was in my teens. Very brief physical contact/relationship when I was 21, led to some sort of overwhelming obsession (with her), fear and anxiety which tipped me into a breakdown and depression. It was total hell, worst time of my life. Now many years later I totally avoid relationships with opposite sex except women who are married and have long term bf, where I know I'm not at risk of actually being in a relationship with them but I can still enjoy some sort of friendship. I'm really screwed up and should get therapy.
Reginald Perry hi. I try to provide some tips in my healthy vs unhealthy relationships video along with the 13 steps I provide at the end of my gaslighting video. I also have a long list of recommended reading on my website.
@@KristinSnowden its an endless cycle for an avoidant. There's no way to crack on that feeling of walking away, wanting to breathe air alone and saving/protectiting yourself from others "stealing you for their needs". It's like a reflex response when one feels suffocated.
I see a pattern. A codependent woman marries a narcissistic or psychopathic man who has a lot of money. She has no money of her own or skills so she desperately tries her hardest to please him. She raises her children especially her sons to please him or he will leave them. Eventually the woman can't stand constantly pleasing him so she tries to change him instead of leaving him and being broke. This happens in a lot of families.
Yes. Most of the videos I have on my channel cover this. But specifically you can watch my videos on “secure attachment” which is the topic you’re specifically requesting.
Kristin Snowden If these relationships break up , can they come back together knowing their flaws and with counseling continue a successful life together?
R Brunner yes. But I believe any couple can work through any issue if there is enough willingness, hope, humility, accountability, and determination between the two of them. The process is extremely difficult but many couples who make it through say that they now get to enjoy a family or coupleship that they never knew was possible.
Před 4 lety+1
hmmm... Does mindfulness practice improve on this pre-frontal cortex action? As it is a practice in awareness and release.
I wish my girlfriend and I did therapy like she recommended. But, no. I have this issue. Now, I feel abandoned. I live with my family now, and they don't lay a finger to the level of support her family did, and I was numb to it. I didn't know what my problem was. Im scared.
I am almost 59 and I get super angry at men.. And I have severe stress. I have no idea how to get over it. Have tried all the normal routes but it is just coming back as soon as I start out again.. Any ideas.. Grew up with very narc mom and borderline and bipolar sister.. and mom had many relationships..
According to interpersonal neurobiologists, the most significant structure-changes that occur in our brains and attachment is the first few years. However, our brains are constantly restructuring and forming new circuitry around what’s safe, what’s not safe, how we feel about intimacy and vulnerability, etc.
Hi. I discuss at the end of my Love addict love avoidant video that we can display both characteristics throughout the span of a relationship and/or be triggered by the characteristics of different people in different relationships. Some people will trigger our abandonment or neglect trauma. Some people will trigger our “smothering”/neediness trauma
Hi Kendall, I tried to respond to your email but it was returned. Try emailing me directly at kristinsnowdenmft@gmail.com and I can forward you some info. Thanks.
Could you please advice what can of therapy I should look for my children. Ex husband is covert narcissist. Children’s still see him, it’s having impact on them. My son is 8, very aggressive, has the same narcissistic traits as dad, hurts and swears at me and his sister every day. I had some professionals involved, son had play therapy and therapy play, but it hasn’t helped. I want to get him private therapy but don’t know what to look for. I’m still recovering and healing from my marriage myself. Anything you can advice at all? Thank you
My partner and I are largely aware that I am part preoccupied (secure inclined, but 10+ yrs. with a BPD so that might largely be the cause) and she is dismissive avoidant. We are trying to be aware of who we are and largely identify with what's causing conflict between us, and we're trying to find out means to find out more about where these triggers stem from. Is this the right path to step on? If not, or if you have any better ideas, what would be the correct way to move forward for a smooth-functioning of our relationship?
Hi. This is the most common asked question and the answer is absolutely. Your partner’s behaviors/choices or phases in the relationship can trigger a more anxious or avoidant response in you.
Thanks for good talk! Can you say why most therapists treat one so badly, dishonestly? Nice on the phone, promise to be professional, empathetic, engage in the therapy, really work with you, agree despite the problems i tell. Then sit there passively, don't give response or guidance but let me talk alone and losing myself, leaving me alone despite my having told that is so bad for me, making me lost amnd anxious, fatigued? dO THEY MOSTLY WANT ONE TO PAY THEM, BUT NOT REALLY WORK FOR IT? Do they also want easy, simple cases? Thney can say they want to see if I can stand the bad feelings alone. Yes, I think I can, but not without orientation and contact in the initial assessment sessions, feedback that I am heard, . can I therapy myself?I know it's not as good and efficient, but better than nothing and than bad therapists? Hav looked and tried for 35 years now Went to a psychologost form 6,5 years and was then told she didn't have competence for me, i needed deeper work.I fear this to happen again, I worked hard thinking it would lead to healing, feel so betrayed and cheated still, afraid they all will let me come and come without ever getting propewr therapy. What can I do? Am now in exam at a Grown Child therapist, who is nice on the surface. Seems not so mature and healthy herself though; getting defensive at legitimate criticism at mistake that gave me bad consequences, instead of receiving me empathetically. She doesn't seem to have great human knowledge or ability to give helpful feedback. I don't think she is big enough to enrich me, at the same time as I NEED help now and shouldn't be alone struggling anymore. Any good advice? Thanks and Merry Christmas to you.
It’s possible to find a good therapist, but just like any other profession or one who provides a service, you have to weed through the bad ones to get to the good ones. Don’t waste more than one appointment on the bad. The reward for finding a good one is worth the effort!!
Sadly I will never be healthy enough. I'm ignoring him now because I'm pissed that he doesn't give me enough time and attention. I can't even trust my judgement. I may be over reacting. Fuck it! I'm gonna let him go.
just curious but have you checked out my twelve step videos . I believe thats a little more of what you're looking for as far as the spiritual aspect. completely agree that both should be incorporated in ones journey toward healing...
For as long as I can remember I have known that the drug abuse, mental illness and incarceration of my father had given me abandonment issues and difficultly forming secure attachments. It wasn’t until recently that I realized the relationship I have shared with my mother was unhealthy as well. She meant well, but her dependence on my sisters and I for emotional and financial support stifled our ability to handle basic adult responsibilities when the time came. In our late 20s, we are all facing the hard fact our relationship with our mother has always been codependent. This epiphany was really painful for me. And understanding my relationship patterns have been mirroring this has been eye opening. I hope I can end this pattern and not pass it on to my daughter. I already feel like she’s been through more than she should.
I think I've got a mixed anxious-avoidant style, but I don't truly relate to how you describe the avoidant attitude. What I feel is that 1) I tend to deny how deep my desire to be romantically involved with a particular person is, and 2) I tend to make relationships one-sided, which means I take care of them emotionally and sometimes physically, I make myself responsible for them, but I don't want to give them the "burden" of knowing my pain and comforting me.
I am very similar to you. Although I relate to needing (or needed) validation because I didn't feel good enough. Anything that went wrong in my life I'd have an unconscious expectation for my partner to fix it, or make me feel better.
At the same time, I also felt highly responsible for my ex, who I provided a lot of material things for, but didn't provide enough emotional support at all. Her smothering, or dependency on me and having no life external to mine, triggered my avoidant attachment style. It was too much and a huge weight on my shoulders being her only social option. It caused a lot of tension and me harshly venting or criticising.
The consequence of that is that it killed intimacy, sex ground to a halt and we drifted. It was so sad. We had tonnes in common and lover spending time together on trips but living together quickly became tough. We didn't respect each other's boundaries, attend to each other's needs or live separate but healthily connected lives.
I think I've worked it all out now. Life and relationships are hard :-\
@@f9054 for me it was childhood bullying and how adults outside of home treated me.
There are more moments a person's emotional and interpersonal structure can be damaged.
General waste I get your description
Welcome to the club. We just don't trust. Trusting would make us vulnerable & vulnerability is our biggest fear jet our grates need and dippest desire.
You are not responsible for the programming you received in childhood. As an adult,you are 100 % responsible for fixing it.
Well said. Thanks for sharing.
I never knew what anxious avoidant was until I was with my girlfriend of four and a half years... It's a very weird personality type to diagnose because it has so many variations depending on the childhood and the trauma...
Not only was she anxious avoidant but she was also a people pleaser.. you hit on the key points about fear , assuming outcomes based on emotions rather than facts . Deep rooted abandonment, having to be perfect and put others before herself .. fear of failing being criticized, and not understanding constructive criticism... Fearing other people opinions and thoughts about her.. broken perception of what love is, how love works and always questioning me to prove that I love her during difficult conflicts ... Always being helpful sweet and pleasant kind to others because the fear of rejection.. gaslighting during conflicts and derailing the conversation so that nothing is fixed or solved, more concerned about looking pretty and perfect , everyday... Broken and shattered wounded child syndrome , trying to please and put others first before herself... She was an amazing woman thoughtful kind generous helpful but the people pleasing and the fear-based thinking with the lack of communicating and accepting that it's okay to fail in life because if we don't feel then we don't learn and grow.. when I finally figured out her personality I wanted her to fix it and be the best version of herself but as always it's easier to leave and escape rather than fixing yourself
I love the way you explain these issues. I’m a “love addict” and I’ve gone 100% no contact cold turkey with my ex who is a love avoidant, I’m going through week 3 and I just know this is the right thing to do after 2 years of being gaslighted and not getting my needs met. I’m going to focus on myself and work on being more of a secure attachment style. Thanks to him I’ve learned that’s “it’s ok” to not see someone all day everyday lol we would not see each other more than 1-2 times a week and that I think in turn has brought out some avoidant tendencies in me ironically
I also have anxious attachment and have started developing avoidant tendencies. How are you 1 year on?
You are a fearful avoidant then, as me
miketoriant I actually ended up going no contact and within that time frame I forced myself to go out and meet new people to start from scratch since there was so much damage done, I ended up meeting and dating a guy that also had codependency issues as me and we turned out to be extremely codependent on each other all of 2019, so the complete opposite thing happened 😂 I ended up feeling suffocated towards the end of 2019 and broke things off with him unfortunately and that must have triggered his fearful avoidant because things have never been the same between us... we have been back and forth in each other’s lives all of 2020 but we seem to be stuck in a phase of “losing ourselves in the relationship” and “fear of abandonment so we keep each other at a arms length” ... I’ve learned so much from these last 2 relationships and I’m finally happy on my own for a bit until I can manifest a more solid and secure connection
@@vixenvalenzuela wow reading you makes me want to be your friend just so can tell me more. I felt so identified wuth your story. I often go from those two extremes all the time. I am chased or I am chasing the other. I tend to ve sufficated super easy and my fear is also to make the other one suffocate. So I am never meeting someone half way. Like there is no middle point for me in relationships. I broke up with a super dependant man just to go fall in love with a dismissive avoidant who triggered all my anxiety back. I also left him. The end result is always the same: when alone I am at peace.
what's so bad is that it seems unfortunately most people come from childhoods like this. Seems the more and more time goes on with my observations of the world there is hardly any secure relationships(romantic, friends, family).
50% of people are secure. 25% avoidant. 20% Anxious...There are secure functioning relationships being formed and secure individuals out there. Problem is they usually don't end up single often (like avoidants) and sometimes they are rejected by anxious folks because they feel no "spark"/ "chemistry" when dating because their attachment systems aren't' triggered, so they get left/dumped. Bad boy vs (nice)good guy. Nice girl vs Naughty/Mean girl. IMO, of course!
I have done therapy on/off since I was 20 and listen to a good deal of stuff online now. Kristen explains things in a clear relate-able way. Thank you for these webinars : )
I have anxious-avoidant. When my mother was married I was ignored and neglected for 6 years and once she divorced she became depressed and needed me to be her best friend and basically smothered me.
My parents got divorced when I was a kid and my mom talked to me about her feelings/what was happening during it because she was too embarrassed to talk to friends about it. And a few years ago I realized that I never tell anything personal to my mom (or any of my family), instead they just do all the talking. But if I do try to talk to my mom about anything she doesn’t engage in the convo, she just turns it around so she can talk about herself
Moonbeam729 Same! Or they’ll give advice that has nothing to do with what I said or try to turn it back on them.
This was explained beautifully.
It's great to hear from somebody who has an educational background, and has had some experience with analysis of others.
One of the major problems with people, is that about the stage when we are ready to give of ourselves without a power/profit motive, we are already facing our imminent death. We do not live long enough to emotionally "grow up" an a true sense of the word.
My mother neglected me when I was really young, yelled at me when I cried, and sometimes got drunk and hit me when I was yelling "What did I do?" I have ADHD and was born anxious. I was bullied somewhat out of my home and was practically raised by my grandmother and great uncle who are like my parents to me.
I have never looked at my mother and though "mom." All I see is some random person. I resent her and she has caused me depression. She forced religion on me and I'm an athirst now.
I now refuse to cry in front of people, I never have. I get angry and hurt at friends and family very quickly and can't let go of grudges until I "make them feel what I feel." I don't care about how bad I am. I can't even hold a romantic relationship.
So please, don't have children at 17-18 like my mother, and do it when you really believe you are ready. And if you know they have mental disorders, don't yell at them for having a panic attack or constantly ignore their pain.
Almost forgot to add, my great uncle died and my mother never showed up for his memorial. She also lost my great grandmother's ashes and I'll never forgive her. My great uncle and my great grandmother helped raised her. She blames my grandmother for how I feel about her as well.
Im in love with a young lady with a similar childhood its heart breaking. I was raised without a father but in a large Italian family with a lot of love was always giving to me. At 51 learning how to open my mind and heart to be there for loved ones all we can do is create a much better future for the children we are raising I send you love and light
18 Months of feel good feelings? That must be nice, It's never been that long for me. Anyhow, great video. Thank you so much!
This explains so much about the shortcomings and failures in my previous relationship. Thank you so much.
I've watched a few great videos by now and saw you live. This video has made me a die hard follower! This has opened my eyes to so much incite. in efforts to break negative cycles with my kids, I want to learn all I can.
Self aware just made me too scared to ever trust my instincts again , I mean I know what a monster is but since were usually lacking in self love , attracting secure is what we were raised to not deserve
very helpful-finishing my masters in clinical social work-this helps me understand and connect theory to practice. Thanks Kristin
God bless you Kristin, you're doing his work.
This video by brought light to many things and also warnings for other things I was about to get myself into. Thanks
Wow never heard someone explain so many orders of dis regulation or disorders. Orders that were dismissed by the healthy brain that were Hy jacked by the coping brain that has been mangled. It's healing to hear this explained that makes sense.
Excellent. I love that you speak slowly and calmly. Very well explained. Thank you.
Thank you! Although I don’t think my children would agree that I speak “slowly and calmly” ☺️
I'm laughing at how accurate her love-avoidant description is; if any man appears needy, clingy or too feminine..I run like hell!! LOL
Same. Lol
Omg yes I want someone close but when I get it or I feel smothered I want to run its uncomfortable but when I dont want the closeness physically just emotionally that's the type of closeness I want
Same
I wonder if 2 avoidants would fit well together :)
eladbari they would not. I’m a fearful avoidant and I dated another avoidant and when things go wrong we both just avoided the situation and don’t talk again. The only way things worked for a while was when I chased him and gave him enough space at the same time to return on his on. Worst part is he was projecting so much of his childhood wounds onto me he just kept self sabotaging. Not that I wasn’t because my wounds were also being triggered which lead me to run away too.
This was phenomenal content. Thank you so much for creating it!
Wow finally someone that talks about all these labels.. I don’t like them either. I’m also searching for answers.
At one point she said, “The bottom line is....” The bottom line is that we’re all screwed. How can we possibly get love right?
🤣🤣
I cannot tell you how much this helped me. I am in the classical anxious married to avoidant and want to work it out. we are learning it will take a lot of work. I pray we can do it.
My Mom had cancer while I was 7-13, before she passed away. My Dad worked a ton and at times he'd leave the country for work without telling me and I'd only find out after ringing him to ask why he was late home. On top of this, all my school friends ignored me one day when I came to school after I befriended a new girl who they didn't like and I had to make all new friends. I feel all of this has really fucked with my ability to attach to people. I love my boyfriend but I need space at times to level my head out to a degree that he doesn't understand and feels I don't really want to be with him. It's tough, especially since my logical brain knows now that my Dad was just doing his best to support our crumbling family and my Mom was also doing her best despite having cancer and major depression. I've fucked up so many relationships because I can't connect with people and when they start falling in love I bail
Wow. Listening & making notes & "therapizing" with artsy doodling...fodder for sharing in session with therapist...thank you. And? The content is so densely packed with valuable and useful material, listening again as I go into mindful movement mode is this morning's updated priority. Again, thank you.
i'm a 17 year old boy and you helped me so much
"boy"
Thank you so much for your professional and informative videos! The fact that you are going into depth about these issues and using facts and science is so helpful. Thank you so much for taking your time to make this channel!
I don’t know I’m still growing (as a late teen) but I’m still struggling a lot.. my father was in jail for about 5-4 years in my childhood. During that time I became very attached, and then my dad came back. I love my dad a lot but I didn’t feel all to comfortable with him. I love him to death but I don’t want to hug and stay near him, unlike my mom. And when I don’t show affection towards him, the way he wants it he gets upset and yells at me. Another problem is that he has anger issues, I love him but I don’t feel all to close to him. He feels to needy and i hats how he screams at me and my for the littlest things... I like staying close with my mom but then there are times when she stays away at times and it doesn’t feel the same. I don’t even understand how to describe how i feel or what I go through.. it’s just going to be more of an issue when I go to college, I don’t even know if I’m gonna do it alone.
Much thanks for your take on the various attachment styles. I also appreciated that I thought I saw u referring to notes when needed. Every body needs help from time to time, even a trained therapist.
Most of these videos are live webinars but I rely heavily on notes and then editing afterward.
Back in May, my youngest toddler-aged son was diagnosed with a non-cancerous, yet still life -threatening tumor of the spine. He has 2 full-time half-brothers I adopted at 5 and 6. They're now 7 and 10. The younger one is anxious, while the elder is avoidant. Can you speak about how dealing with a health crisis with traumatic surgery, recovery, and preoccupation by parents can affect siblings. Please lend incite into how a child may perceive this.
Thanks Kristin, this was really insightful stuff. I'm subscribing and hope you keep up the great content.
I feel anxiously attached to my parents at 38 years old. I don't really know if there are people like me in my situation who are stuck at home & working Full-Time managing a work life & Faith balance but not knowing having to second guess how my parents are going to react.
I can relate. I felt stuck all throughout my 20's living at home with my dad, and while I anxiously wanted to move out there was a part of me that felt responsible for my dad's wellbeing, leaving me feeling somewhat guilty about keeping contact with my family.
I made a decision to put myself first, though.
I left
Brilliant explanation for avoidant attachment, thank you.
I destroyed my relationship because my interpretation of her being passive was equal to she doesn't care or really love me like I do.I put all myself in this relationship,loved her like no other woman.What made me even angrier is she thought I was crazy like narciscist or bipolar just because I wanted to talk about the issues we had and after a while when you tell me something I am not I wxplode because that's not true.I compromised 90% of the times with her and I was the first one to say I am sorry and recognize my mistakes but her being passive without passion like I was just made me lose it multiple times and the last time I just left because she saw any attempt of me talking about thinks calmy as a attempt to make problems or that I didn't get over it.She made me sleep in her living room for 7 months instead of her bedroom,it was a f mess inside there and right here should be enough to make leave anybody in a situation like this,if you care and love 100% you do fix that bedroom so we can live like normal people.I found out she lost a pregnancy and I never knew until I found out myself from the pictures in her laptop 2 days before breaking up.She kept all things hidden from me and didn't open up to me 100% like I did.All this hurts a lot because I really believed in her and did for all I could,loved her like nobody and bha...not worth it...I hope somebody will appreciate me better for who I am
My last relationship was with an avoidant and I'm an anxious attachment type. It was intense for that amount of time and we made it 4yrs. He did cheat on me along the way and he was witholding of his time. He professes to be emotionally unavailable but I think it's something more nefarious. He has alot of maladaptive behavior and I see the patterns. I made the mistake of taking him back after 3yrs and it went well for the 1-1 1/2 yrs. I see why now bc of the dopamine effect. It lasted for another year before he discarded me bc I called him out on his outrageous behavior and cheating. He gave silent treatment and found out he posted on FB that he in a new relationship right before this came down. I think he set me up to give a reason to break up and go with the cheatee. I see my part but I think hes chasing a dopamine high and will never work a relationship out and blame the other.
pmgc I’m worry for your heart ache . I’ve purposely stayed single for 4 years as I attract avoidance and I’m anxious style or attachment . I haven’t had the healthiest of relationships ..
Is there a reason that I tend to ALWAYS be the avoidant one in every relationship EXCEPT my Primary/intimate one? Great video!
Yo. Same issue here. With my boyfriend i am disgustingly needy, although its much better than it was previously, however witb my few friends i am so avoidant. I wont answer calls, hang out, or be in any contact with them. But, when we are together we're fine. I just feel awkward. But idk, I was literally alone ALOT for most of my childhood and I had an abusive bipolar sister whose behavior we just don't talk about. So I'm assuming it's a simultaneous longing for that family figure closeness and mistrust of non loving figures. Idk man. Wine has got me thinking
@@abigailb9144 You sound like my ex (don't mean that in a nasty way!) and I don't understand it. She was highly sociable, chatty, friendly, approachable yet was smothering with me and totally avoidant when it came to making an effort with friends. She would often wonder how I had so many friends (I'm not popular, but have a solid group of close friends) and so much to talk about, then she'd say very regularly, "Nobody's text me", and I'd say _every time_ that's because you text nobody! Very frustrating.
Anyway, have you worked out why that is in your case? I'm keen to learn to understand better. Not saying you're the same as my ex, but there are similarities there.
I am the same!
Awesome explanation!!!! Thank you very much.
This has been such an indepth eye opening video! Thank you! Boy am i flawed.. lol
How does one with an anxious attachment recover so that they can move on to enjoy a healthy attachment relationship. I understand the “why’s”. HOW does one recover and actually leave a toxic relationship? Is it even possible? After years of therapy I am still literally stuck and feel that if I am alone, I will die.
Significant and lasting change doesn’t happen quickly. However, most of my videos and webinars are dedicated to answering the questions you ask. I’d encourage you to view my other videos and/or look over my suggested reading list. I’m sorry you’re struggling but keep asking for help.
Trama based recovery, their are therapists who specialise in attachment work.
Well thank you for making this video exactly the way you did
Thank you for your videos...The key thing I think we need to remember is that the labels can distract from the actions. it's more about the overall theme of the label.
Hi, great info. Can a person be both anxious attachment and aviodant. How can it be healed?
Thank you for the videos, I share them and my friends who watch a lot of YT vids (as I do) find them to be uniquely valuable, as do I. Please consider making more! I hope all is well!
Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate this. Just curious: when you’re searching YT topics and viewing/sharing videos, what topics/subjects are they? In other words, what topics would you want me to cover?
Kristin Snowden I sent you an awfully long email, hope you find it useful. Thank you for asking!
I grew up in a loving family with 2 supportive parents and I still kinda struggle with the anxious attachment style.
Yeah. I would say ditto to that as well. As I mention in other videos, we may be raised by loving people but they are imperfect. And the world around us is extremely imperfect so we can definitely experience/perceive levels of trauma that may inform our future attachments. I discuss this further in several other videos.
Look up childhood emotional neglect.
I believe my anxious attachment comes not from my parents, who were loving, supportive and traditional, but more from our environment where we moved often and/or my friends moved away. I rarely had a friendship last 2 years because of this. The earliest I remember this is age 4 until... well, until present day. Thank goodness for the internet to keep in touch today, but it’s not the same as having a secure, intimate friend to touch base with and do activities with regularly.
That’s a good point. We all adapt around our environment. It’s good to remember our “environment” does not just include our caretakers/parents.
At first I didn't think I identified with being avoidant, but I see a pattern in my friendships I've had, that when I see that person's flaws or feel wronged a number of times, I'm ready to let them go instead of ever expressing that they offended me. Would that be characterized as avoidant or is that something different?
I'm the exact same way. Curious of this myself.
Possibly disorganized attachment style--moving between the two styles. I've heard it called 'fearful avoidant'
I was going to flick this, but the comments made me take a second look... If you play at 1.25x the ums and pauses are sooo much less annoying.
Thank you Kristin. Great informative video just like the other material you shared before. I would like to see more on Disorganized attachment style.
i know this was posted a while back now but i’m wondering how complicated it gets when you are also clinically depressed since childhood. i went through quite a lot on lots of different sides but although you would think i would have become more of an avoidant... i became more of an anxious preoccupied... i am conscious enough to try to make myself better but because i’m in love with an extreme dismissive-avoidant it’s hard to do anything else because he’s constantly avoiding & using things like time as an excuse. still saying he cares & wants to see me. & he’s not the type to really care much for anyone. always busy with responsibilities & work... doesn’t get to sleep much. so i try to be as understanding of that as possible but it’s insane how much he avoids actually seeeeing me. & i think because when we are together physically he is definitely in a more emotional state. he does sweet things like kiss my head and interlock his hands with mine...i think because he is so extremely dismissively avoidant that the more he has felt for me the more he has taken himself away & my noticing that & bringing that to his attention i think has made things worse... i’ve been trying to be clear with him on that if he needs to take his time that’s fine and that i care about making him happy & truly even though i miss him so much and want to see him that i would truly ratherrr him be happy if that’s not what he wants at the time. he at that point still says it’s time. i texted him the other day telling him i think i’m bothering him by texting him so much & i didn’t wanna just disappear but that i thought i shouldn’t text him for a few weeks or so. he answered immediately asking me what i was talking about and telling me not to construct assumptions & basically implying to me that it was not what he would want, without actually saying it. so i may be wrong in assuming that even... idk...he doesn’t usually express emotion but he has told me he loves me back in the past, when i said goodbye to him once. i’ve also been too scared to say it to him since in person because of his avoidant style i’ve been so scared that i’ll say it & mean it so much & he just wont... idk. i trust him in that he believes what he says. but he also makes it a point to completelyyyy avoid discussing anything he wants or needs, as if he has no wants or needs at all. super alpha male...but in a really dangerous way because everyone has needs
after watching more of your explanation later in the video on the anxious preoccupied it definitely makes sense with the hiding parts of yourself to always try to please others. the clinical depression alone would be enough to make sense of that.
Sounds familiar. My former partner has a similar style..that push and pull. Idk I have my doubts about my ex having a personality disorder or traits of NPD.
I am sorry for you. I went through the same thing with my ex for a year and a half and it almost killed me. He was perfect to me; influential and well established in the community, and well liked in church...a real giving soul. He was perfect to me and to everyone else, too. Eventually I felt like he put everyone else before me, while only giving me the leftovers of his time and energy. The emotional push and pull is a perfect description of what happened to me...he loved the chase, but he also loved his space and needed his freedom. There just weren't enough "I Love You's" or fantastic orgasms to overcome the feeling of not being good enough for him and I let it destroy my self-esteem. I got on heavy duty anti-depressants and I've ben able to realize that my own codependency created this problem. I hope you have been able to understand your situation and resolve your dilemma.
It sounds like we are dating the same guy. Wow. My boyfriend is like that to a "T". It hurts my soul how dismissive he is...yet I don't want to let him go. There goes my anxious attachment style lol. How are you doing now?? Sending you love!
@@faithevolution552 you are so brave. Thank you for sharing your story. How are you doing now???
Great video. I think it's really useful. Thanks for uploading.
All related to unresolved trauma, which is healable with EMDR and IFS therapy💞
I agree! I’ve been reading up on IFS and I’ll be beginning my emdr certification next month!
@@KristinSnowden So glad for you and your clients!🕊💖🍾
Recently discovered I have an avoidance attachment. Honestly it was rather frustrating to listen to this and remember my childhood again. I’d like a deeper understanding of this mental block as I have never had a relationship and I’m beginning to get a sense as to why.
Biggest question is how can I get better?
I started crying during this one, always a sure sign this is hitting some emotional area I've been ignoring. This'll sound weird, but thanks for the pain! :)
As Glennon Doyle writes, "Pain is not a sign that you’ve taken a wrong turn or that you’re doing life wrong. It’s not a signal that you need a different life or partner or body or home or personality. Pain is not a hot potato to pass on to the next person or generation. Pain is not a mistake to fix. Pain is just a sign that a lesson is coming. Discomfort is purposeful: it is there to teach you what you need to know so you can become who you were meant to be. Pain is just a traveling professor. When pain knocks on the door-wise ones breathe deep and say: 'Come in. Sit down with me. And don’t leave until you’ve taught me what I need to know.'"
Thank you so much. A very helpful explanation.
Lovely Lady, this was the most touching and tender of explanations on such a very relevant topic; one I will certainly share with many.
Would you consider exploring in a similar vein the disorganised attachment style? Your vids help me a great deal in my work & I serve mostly this population.
Sending love and gratitude from the East Coast, my dear~
You nail all the points of who I am, talking about addict person. About manipulation and how this is so quickly automatic. The question is how to sop when you want to change your own life? My relationship just needed with I believe an avoidant partner which I considered the love of my life. Now I’ve lost him and I’ve myself broken. Where to restart?
Most of these videos that I’ve posted should help you with rebuilding and improving relationship dynamics for the future.
@@KristinSnowden thank you kindly
Excellent video. Thank you very much.
I strongly dislike love addict as a term. I know I lean more toward anxious vs avoidant but an addict, I am not. Prior to my current interest I was single 5 years.
I do not hop from person to person trying to get my fix. I have known this person for almost that full 5 years. I turned off your video once because of the term but I am trying to muscle through because of the bigger picture. I mean these comments with respect but I have to be honest and say anxious tends to describe me more as I work hard to become more secure through therapy.. Ideally I would love if my interest and I could both do some work and meet more toward the middle.of anxious and avoidant on the spectrum. Hell I would even take intense vigilant over addict. Thanks for your information in spite of the unfortunate label choice.
This is so fucking vindicating. Thank you for making this.
I have something like this. Super scared of opposite sex when I was in my teens. Very brief physical contact/relationship when I was 21, led to some sort of overwhelming obsession (with her), fear and anxiety which tipped me into a breakdown and depression. It was total hell, worst time of my life. Now many years later I totally avoid relationships with opposite sex except women who are married and have long term bf, where I know I'm not at risk of actually being in a relationship with them but I can still enjoy some sort of friendship. I'm really screwed up and should get therapy.
Night Train123 Romantic Love = Addiction
I am both.
Hey Kristen do have any tips or things I can do to change my type ? I’m a avoidant love type I was raised with a alcoholic father
Reginald Perry hi. I try to provide some tips in my healthy vs unhealthy relationships video along with the 13 steps I provide at the end of my gaslighting video. I also have a long list of recommended reading on my website.
@@KristinSnowden its an endless cycle for an avoidant. There's no way to crack on that feeling of walking away, wanting to breathe air alone and saving/protectiting yourself from others "stealing you for their needs". It's like a reflex response when one feels suffocated.
Well said. Many can probably relate to that description.
Brilliant!
Very well explained.
This is really good
Thank you so much
I see a pattern. A codependent woman marries a narcissistic or psychopathic man who has a lot of money. She has no money of her own or skills so she desperately tries her hardest to please him. She raises her children especially her sons to please him or he will leave them. Eventually the woman can't stand constantly pleasing him so she tries to change him instead of leaving him and being broke. This happens in a lot of families.
I'm in love
Thanks, is there any video where there are suggestions how avoidants can heal or move towards the secure attachment style?
Yes. Most of the videos I have on my channel cover this. But specifically you can watch my videos on “secure attachment” which is the topic you’re specifically requesting.
@@KristinSnowden Okay, thanks for the response
Man this was a great session
Kristin Snowden If these relationships break up , can they come back together knowing their flaws and with counseling continue a successful life together?
R Brunner yes. But I believe any couple can work through any issue if there is enough willingness, hope, humility, accountability, and determination between the two of them. The process is extremely difficult but many couples who make it through say that they now get to enjoy a family or coupleship that they never knew was possible.
hmmm... Does mindfulness practice improve on this pre-frontal cortex action? As it is a practice in awareness and release.
Yes. I talk about that in the “neurobiology of trauma” video
Thanks you so much!
Ok! Now!
This is very true!!
This is amazing! 😊 thank you so much. You’re very pretty too!
I wish my girlfriend and I did therapy like she recommended. But, no. I have this issue. Now, I feel abandoned. I live with my family now, and they don't lay a finger to the level of support her family did, and I was numb to it. I didn't know what my problem was. Im scared.
I am almost 59 and I get super angry at men.. And I have severe stress. I have no idea how to get over it. Have tried all the normal routes but it is just coming back as soon as I start out again.. Any ideas.. Grew up with very narc mom and borderline and bipolar sister.. and mom had many relationships..
Great video 😊Up to what age would you say these issues have such an effect??
According to interpersonal neurobiologists, the most significant structure-changes that occur in our brains and attachment is the first few years. However, our brains are constantly restructuring and forming new circuitry around what’s safe, what’s not safe, how we feel about intimacy and vulnerability, etc.
I think secure attachment styles are scarce anymore .
22:36
Great info. Thanks! Side note, are you related to Rebecca DeMornay? The resemblance is uncanny. 😲
Ha! Thanks. I used to get that a lot in my younger years. Glad you liked the video.
my attachment style changed with each boyfriend, why is that?
Hi. I discuss at the end of my Love addict love avoidant video that we can display both characteristics throughout the span of a relationship and/or be triggered by the characteristics of different people in different relationships. Some people will trigger our abandonment or neglect trauma. Some people will trigger our “smothering”/neediness trauma
You're amazing.
Hi Kendall, I tried to respond to your email but it was returned. Try emailing me directly at kristinsnowdenmft@gmail.com and I can forward you some info. Thanks.
Just emailed you. :)
Could you please advice what can of therapy I should look for my children. Ex husband is covert narcissist. Children’s still see him, it’s having impact on them. My son is 8, very aggressive, has the same narcissistic traits as dad, hurts and swears at me and his sister every day. I had some professionals involved, son had play therapy and therapy play, but it hasn’t helped. I want to get him private therapy but don’t know what to look for. I’m still recovering and healing from my marriage myself. Anything you can advice at all? Thank you
Oh and my son had developmental trauma. Not sure if it’s the same as reactive attachment disorder.
My partner and I are largely aware that I am part preoccupied (secure inclined, but 10+ yrs. with a BPD so that might largely be the cause) and she is dismissive avoidant. We are trying to be aware of who we are and largely identify with what's causing conflict between us, and we're trying to find out means to find out more about where these triggers stem from. Is this the right path to step on? If not, or if you have any better ideas, what would be the correct way to move forward for a smooth-functioning of our relationship?
Is it possible to have both styles at the same time?
Or have these as phases in relationships with others?
Hi. This is the most common asked question and the answer is absolutely. Your partner’s behaviors/choices or phases in the relationship can trigger a more anxious or avoidant response in you.
Kristin so if one is an anxious / avoidant type how can you work on yourself to become more secure?
Hi. I discuss this in my healthy vs unhealthy relationships video. I also have recommended reading on my website related to this topic.
can emotional incest cause an avoidant personality
Tyreek Murillo Yes. Ken Adams writes about this in his book Silently Seduced.
Kristin Snowden oh lord. looks like i have the answer i need
Can a relationship with this type of patters heal and learn to relate in a secure way?
+Miriam Navarro theoretically, anyone is capable of changing and healing, to some extent
Thanks for good talk! Can you say why most therapists treat one so badly, dishonestly? Nice on the phone, promise to be professional, empathetic, engage in the therapy, really work with you, agree despite the problems i tell. Then sit there passively, don't give response or guidance but let me talk alone and losing myself, leaving me alone despite my having told that is so bad for me, making me lost amnd anxious, fatigued? dO THEY MOSTLY WANT ONE TO PAY THEM, BUT NOT REALLY WORK FOR IT? Do they also want easy, simple cases? Thney can say they want to see if I can stand the bad feelings alone. Yes, I think I can, but not without orientation and contact in the initial assessment sessions, feedback that I am heard, . can I therapy myself?I know it's not as good and efficient, but better than nothing and than bad therapists? Hav looked and tried for 35 years now Went to a psychologost form 6,5 years and was then told she didn't have competence for me, i needed deeper work.I fear this to happen again, I worked hard thinking it would lead to healing, feel so betrayed and cheated still, afraid they all will let me come and come without ever getting propewr therapy. What can I do? Am now in exam at a Grown Child therapist, who is nice on the surface. Seems not so mature and healthy herself though; getting defensive at legitimate criticism at mistake that gave me bad consequences, instead of receiving me empathetically. She doesn't seem to have great human knowledge or ability to give helpful feedback. I don't think she is big enough to enrich me, at the same time as I NEED help now and shouldn't be alone struggling anymore. Any good advice? Thanks and Merry Christmas to you.
Claudia Bothner I couldn't get three different counselors to return my phone call for an appointment. I will watch on utube instead
Keep searching
It’s possible to find a good therapist, but just like any other profession or one who provides a service, you have to weed through the bad ones to get to the good ones. Don’t waste more than one appointment on the bad. The reward for finding a good one is worth the effort!!
Sadly I will never be healthy enough. I'm ignoring him now because I'm pissed that he doesn't give me enough time and attention. I can't even trust my judgement. I may be over reacting. Fuck it! I'm gonna let him go.
It's not their fault though?
Val Shelby They need to educate themselves and grow and improve upon themselves.
you r just so beautiful
Self actualization
Does that mean your domicile is paid for
I like your videos, but I think you need to move beyond your Bowen method. There is more spiritual aspects that you are not touching on. 💕
just curious but have you checked out my twelve step videos . I believe thats a little more of what you're looking for as far as the spiritual aspect. completely agree that both should be incorporated in ones journey toward healing...
eksetera
unpredictably predictable, eh... 4 min. in, and still waiting for the anx-avoid description. c'mon
Nope.