What Is Emotional Neglect? And How to Cope
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- čas přidán 2. 03. 2021
- Emotional neglect - the withholding of parental love during childhood - can have a psychological impact no less profound than other forms of abuse. Before we can start to recover, we first need to acknowledge the scale of its effects.
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“When we imagine the difficulties involved in a so-called ‘bad childhood’, we most readily think in terms of children who are physically harmed - beaten, underfed, sexually abused - or else treated with active contempt: screamed at, blamed, put down, mocked and tormented.
Such harrowing images make it hard for us to picture that there might be another, in many ways more prevalent yet just as damaging form of injury to which children may be exposed. In this case, there is no physical violence, there is no taunting or shouting. It looks - at first glance - as if all must be well. But that would be to miss the particular kind of wound that can be inflicted through what psychologists term ‘emotional neglect.’...”
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Please, we need you Alan! Your voice was so special, calm and deep... Can you not find another narrator? Her voice is too sharp and I started watching the episodes muted and with subtitles to be able to finish them... Before, in times of need, I just listening your video and felt relieved after it...
@@Lemoncake7027 Qqqqqqpq😂o
If and when you ever make a video about severe child abuse, please confer with those who’ve survived it first so you don’t alienate them at their expense.
So many people seem to benefit from videos like yours, but your insight will inevitably be limited in this regard unless you survived it yourself as a child.
🥂
So relatable.
An unloved child will burn the village to feel its warmth.
Beautiful
Wow
Wow. What a quote.
I altered it a little.
Seems like naruto(anime)
This is me. I grew up in a perfectly normal, decent family. I had all the basics in life, and a bit more. Except for emotions. Both my parents are highly closed off, each in its own way. My father felt like an impenetrable wall, without a gate. My mother felt like a wounded animal, vulnerable, distrusting and prone to lash out at the same time. Emotional expression, from cuddles and hugs to talking about feeling, was not done at home.
I was always sensitive to these tensions and realities, and adjusted by suppressing my emotions deeply, by stopping to talk about them. I did so unconsciously; I was a child, learning blindly about the ways of the world the way a child does. How could I have known there were other ways of doing this? This was my universe.
The results were subtle at first, but built up over the years. Low self-esteem, an inability to express my emotions or to ask others for help. Depression and darker thoughts.
I am on a path of healing and growing. I have been on this path for years, and expect to be walking it for years to come. But it is worth it: here I am, writing about it to you all, not ashamed, not hiding. I would not have been able to do this ten years ago, or even five.
I am 44 now. In some crucial ways, my life indeed did begin at (around) 40. Here's to the future. May it be full of love and space for me, just the way I am.
Love to you all, and especially to those whose life stories in some ways resemble mine.
Me too. Life started at 33, I'm just now learning self-love and life doesn't seem quite so bad anymore 💙
@@KevlarKoat Thanks for your response and good to hear that. We are learning and growing.
The most important is that you finally see yourself and made your own place by taking part of the real world you want for you.
@@teresabtc5022 Thank you Teresa. Working on that, it's a labor of years. But yes, I do see myself more than I ever have before and I do my best to take part in that world that I hope for.
If I may ask, are you speaking here from a place of personal experience?
@@harmenbreedeveld8026 I am just curious about human behavior and believe everyone has a chance to catch his/her life back. With wisdom and resilience, we can all get our own sanity and inner peace
I stopped worrying about it when I realized that I was a better person than my parents in basically every way.
Hmm
Thanks man
But what happens when you want to save them?
@@michaelbell1554 don't
@@adudeontheinterweb6571 why not?
I was fed, watered, clothed with a roof over my head. The basics. That’s about it. Not very wholesome. Apathy aplenty. Never really flourished. I struggle with life as an adult. Terribly insecure with low self esteem. Still working on it.
Hang in there. Seek God. It will get better for you. Promise. Been there, done that.
"I was fed, watered, clothed with a roof over my head" was my Dad's go-to response to _any_ criticism. He always used it as justification for every negative thing he did...Like dude, making sure I don't starve and have a place to protect me from the elements is the _bare minimum_ of parenting, that's shit you're supposed to do. Everything you listed is also available in prison, lol.
you're not alone..
@@anthonyitaliano7316 yes! Plus, it's not like he'd be living on the streets if it wasn't for you. Most parents actually only work for themselves, to have their house, their food, and the children happen to be just extra. But it's not like they devoted their lives to raise the children, as many would say they did...
the human story. that we can actually nurse the emotional injuries with unique tools.
my whole body is shaking as i watch this. emotional neglect is dangerous because no one really pays attention to it. it’s super hidden
TRue words, Abbz. It is hidden indeed. Especially because of that it's so important (and yet hard) to work yourself through this, because if people don't notice, they cannot help :/
I keep noticing "stressed" body language from myself as I watch this. 😬
i see you, Abbz! for whatever it's worth just wanted to share with you that i see you
True words. A lot of people think it’s not an actual thing to go through cuz many don’t talk abut it yk. Some ppl actually show genuine emotion and care for their child. Those who don’t know what that looks like. When we get into a relationship we are left questioning : “is this for the attention or do I genuinely love this person”
True.
Reparent yourself. You're worth it
How? 😭
@Riku honestly... I have been telling myself that the last 10 years. It just doesn't land on fertile ground 🤷♀️
I want to unconceive.
@@honingbijtje83 - the wound is in your emotional (subconscious) mind, so you have to keep telling yourself this until you start to notice that you are accepting it emotionally. One thing that helps is think of a person that you really like. How would you treat that person? Treat yourself like that. If that person wanted something from you, you’d go through quite a lot to make sure they get it. Do the same for yourself. Also, you wouldn’t be harsh to that person you like, even when you’re disciplining them. So don’t be harsh with yourself. Finally, take care of yourself as you would if you had a child. Regular sleep times, diet, exercise, hydration, cleanliness, and all the other basics. Encourage yourself to make new friends, praise yourself for small accomplishments, tell yourself that you like yourself, try to have a small smile on your face more often than not. Act with yourself as you would with a person you like. And structure your life as you would with your child. There’s more resources available on line. But this is the gist. It’ll feel very unnatural at first, but humor yourself and do it anyway until it starts to feel like second nature. In time, it will. This is a lifelong endeavor. So be your own best friend for life.
you're right. thank you
Been in therapy for years and the source of almost all my issues is this. I'm not mad at my parents cause they just didn't know better, but goddamn this has been hard to fix.
I just started therapy this year and I suspected that childhood trauma will be with for the rest of my life.
Check out Gabor Mate books and videos. He’s one of the leading voices on this right now :) ... art and creative expression helped me too... anyways...peace out! Good luck :)
Im in the beginning of a similar journey and if you dont mind I want to ask - did you talk to your parents about the harm they have done and, if you did, how did that go?
You’re doing better than me, King - I don’t care if my parents didn’t know better; I am livid at them being so cavalier with my life, and them having no consequence for it.
@@lornarettig3215 same.
Hmmmm never had a hug from my parents. I always felt like there's a hole in my heart.
I feel your pain! 😢
What helped me was learning about (cPTSD) Complex PTSD
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)
Also ECHOIST
A great website is
parenting.exposed
I was the Scapegoat of the family and now everything makes sense.
It was NEVER me...It was my "parents"
Wishing you well on your journey to discovering your real beautiful self!
Yh some people have it hard. Stay strong
Same:(
Here's a hug 🤗
Same hear :’( unless I asked for it as a child
I suffered emotional neglect because my mother was (and still is) completely depressed and she only devotes her energy to read the bible. My father was absent looking for love in other women. I was always the best in sport but no one was there to tell me "I am proud of you" "you did great" "you deserve it" "I am here with you." As years passed I started to be less good in sports, mainly because of all my insecurities and low self-steem.
:-( so sorry.
You did great regardless
I went through the same thing except for that my dad was a workaholic. My mom read the Bible, too! 😂😂 I don't remember a single hug, kiss, cuddle from my parents. I'm in my thirties and still suffering from the experience but I'm trying to shake it off and live my life, build my inner self. So sorry for you bud. Hug hug🫂❤️
@@raedf7197 thanks for saying that you experienced something similar, I feel less lonely. I am in early 30s and also trying to get better. I feel angry about what happened to me, I was not conscious until I saw a therapist, I think I am now going through a process of acceptance but it is very hard, I feel anger for the injustice. Everyone always told me that I was lucky because I showed a big smile and exceeded in education work and sports
I’m proud of you for sharing and therefore helping others!
At 29, the extent of emotional unavailability and stability I was subjected to in my childhood, has taking a horrific toll on me. I want affection so badly; I just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay and I'm good enough. I'm suffering. And everyday all I dwell on is how much I'm suffering.
Hey, I love you, internet stranger ❤️.
I hope you'll get well soon, emotionally. Cheers!
You are good enough and everything will be OK, dwell on that please, sometimes we have to be kind to ourselves in the absence of good parenting, never to old to have a happy childhood!
What happened happened, and you are not to blame for what happened. It may be time to dwell on the present and take care of yourself. You are here and survived, and despite being battered and bruised, you can survive today, and take care of tomorrow when it comes. Invest your energy and resources in you. Help yourself and care for yourself. Be kind and compassionate to yourself by starting again each day. You can learn new strategies and use tools to help you. You can choose to leave what doesn't help you behind. What you focus on will grow in your life. If you focus on giving yourself the skills you need to meet your material and emotional needs, you will grow and flourish. If you need help get the best you can. Read books about codependency and how to overcome emotional neglect. A good book to start with is: TOXIC PARENTS: OVERCOMING THEIR HURTFUL LEGACY AND RECLAIMING YOUR LIFE By SUSAN FORWARD, PH.D.. Start there and check out the Suggested Reading List in the back. You can get this at the library or on Amazon as it is still in print, and a search there will bring up other books about emotional neglect in childhood and its impact in later life. What I love about this book is that it will provide practical strategies to help you unlearn the dysfunctional beliefs and habits from bad parenting. Not only that, but it doesn't matter if your parents are alive or not. This book can help you. It's time to go home. You've been out in the wilderness too long.
@@BigHenFor thank you so, so much for your advice. I really need to hear this. I will definitely look into this book!
@@suwarnaag thank you! I love you too! ❤️
I think is very important to reparent yourself. Nobody should pass their inner child for somebody else to raise. Give yourself everything you are lacking. Unfortunately as much as it sucks to say, the more we expect other people to acknowledge our needs , is not going to happen if it comes from a desperate place
Yup! The more you need others as an adult the more they slip away. Reparenting is the only way.
Yes, but, a therapist will "parent" you and help you fill that void. We can't give ourselves love if we've never received it. A therapist relationship helps give us that love within healthy boundaries, and the trust that they won't abandon you if you get "too needy". That's their job - to help you toward being able to parent yourself.
Such a shame that the truth hurts so much.
So true. I was one of those desperate people. This whole time the love I was looking for is self love. I stopped looking for love externally and found love internally 💖
@@cosmicmuffin322 therapists suck they ditch you after a few sessions, so how can they reparent you, they even say that's not the point of therapy and they certainly don't love you
I remember as a kid I would hate to watch all of my classmates like and accept each other so easily. It felt like no one could ever like me, because I didn’t even like me or feel like I had anything substantial to offer anyone. It always felt like it was them together, and then me. I even felt like the lessons being taught by the teacher were mainly for them and not me.
I feel everything you say :(((
Wow I have never heard anyone else say these things. I went through the exact same thing and thought it was just me.
This. I really felt this especially the part where you say it felt like it was them together and then me. I always thought it stems from my experience feeling invisible inside my own family.
@@kokoro4265 omg yes :( i can relate to everything you guys said here so much... i always felt like the outsider! ALWAYS! even when people tried to be friends with me, i felt they were just pitying me or something.... no wonder i felt like that, with my parents "never having time" for me at home! childhood emotional neglect is such a bitch.
🤔 I wonder if this has anything to do with social skill absorption in early years. And ADHD is so highly linked to abuse/neglect that they can't tell which causes which. What if it is improper parenting, just not in the most obvious way tho.
Reading the comments seeing people relate to this like I do doesn’t make me feel so alone🙏🏻💗✨
It also makes me so very sad, to see how many people are suffering.
Alyssa, We don't know each other. But I've read your comment and you now exist in my perception and I love how your message feels positive :)
same
This was hard for me to watch
yeah when they thru in alcohol I thought " well fuk me ". I lost my mother when I was 9 and dad is a narcissist . Hold on brother just the fact your watching this stuff means your figuring it out .
You're all so worthy of love and attention ❤️
Yes, to have my thoughts(which I tactfully deny)confirmed.
Same here brother..
Me too. I'm here for therapy. It's so healing.
I read about moral anxiety to this and thought of sol.
“Numbing out” or being cut off from one's feelings.
like there's something missing, but not being sure what it is.
hollow inside.
Being easily overwhelmed or discouraged.
.
Perfectionism.
Pronounced sensitivity to rejections
Exactly me....i have to numb out on a daily with Mary Jane just to avoid my repulsion to my progenitor.
All above. But I know there is a way.Therapy can help a.lot.
I went 6 years without crying once...so, yeah.
thats called anhedonia when you lose all the pleasure and cant feel anything
@@katarzynalindner594 No not at all lol. Sometimes it gets worse they don't know shit.
To anyone reading this, if you've been through emotional neglect yourself, I want you to know that I have been through it too. And all the people commenting here. And so many more. You are not alone. And it's not your fault. We didn't know that parenting could have been done other way. I am crying so bad right now. My little girl died some days back and my mother expects me to bounce back to normal in 7 days. This is emotional neglect. This is emotional unavailability. I want to grieve, but there are no comforting arms around me and there's no parent to tell me that it's okay to grieve.
I am so sorry Ms. Soumi. I am so sorry for the loss of your child. I can imagine nothing more painful and if I could I would spend as much time with you as you needed to grieve. I am also very sorry to hear about your childhood, you deserved so much love. You will always have mine. It’s been a year since your comment and I hope there has been healing in your life. If not, start now.. and take all the help you can. Lots of love.
Oh sweetheart how I wish I could kiss you hug awesome good night God bless you baby and I will be praying for you. Everything is gonna be OK. You will get through this because you’re strong and
Hugs 🫂 🫶🏽❤❤❤
i just realized that the chronic loneliness and yearning for love and affection that i've always felt started when i was a baby waiting for my parents to finally love me and hold me dear. i've been carrying this feeling and waiting on them for so long that eventually i forgot about it, but it never went away. i'm speechless.
Lots of kids whose parents stare at their phones all day are gonna need this video in the near future 😔
Bad take trying to tie negligent parents to smartphones. Seriously why would you even say such a thing probably sitting on your smartphone yourself while writing this?
@patrickking I agree... i see it all the time
@@esthervolkening3568 I'm writing this on my phone, but my kids are already in bed, and I'm not on my phone when I'm around them precisely because I know it makes them feel separated from me. They need my attention, love, and affection, which I can't give them if I'm staring at my phone scrolling through social media seeing if people still like me or not.
@@patrickking9600 Yet that's not what makes a parent a negligent parent. Negligent parents are negligent with or withour smartphones. Smartphones are not what caused people to become bad parents and that narrative is really just upsetting.
@@esthervolkening3568 never said smart phones are what cause bad parents. You’re right, parents can be negligent with or without smart phones. BUT, many _good_ parents don’t even realize how much they ignore their kids because they’re so preoccupied with their phone. That _is_ neglectful behavior, whether they consider themselves to be good parents or not.
People need to seriously consider if they are 100% willing to commit to raising a child. If you don't want a child, don't have one. This is why people should be pro-choice and birth control and abortion should be easily accessible. Don't bring a child into this world just to cause it pain.
I agree to everything you said!
@ゴEllie your life is worth a million words of love and caress please hold on to it 🥺🥺🥺
Agreed ❤️❤️
Classic trait I’m the same love kids but could never want to have one especially a boy no wonder how this arose. We need to forgive ❤️
I want a child and it’s my dream. When I look at kids I tear up. But I made a decision that I will never have one. I’m still dealing with my traumas and I don’t think it’s fair to bring a child into this world anyway. I know I would love it and I would be emotionally available for them unlike my parents but what about my anxieties and ptsd? How do I know I somehow won’t damage my own child.
i can't tell if i've been emotionally neglected. My parents showed me love by buying me stuff and occassional hugs when i "acted normal". But as soon as I show the slightest bit of negative action/behaviour (getting reasonably upset/crying) they act cold and want me to shut up. So nowadays when i feel sad i sometimes rely on my friends or i just keep it to myself. Strangely enough, my parents find it annoying when i don't tell them my problems.
Do you think you've been? That's the most important question to ask yourself first.
same
If you’re questioning it it’s probably happened to some extent. There are different levels of neglect and mistreatment.
My mum told me she loved me and smiled on my way to school each day. Doesn’t mean she wasn’t terribly emotionally distant my whole life.
I didn’t find the “how to cope part”
lmao same. As far as I've learned coping begins with your inner guidance-system. You need a clue of who you are, what your values are, etc. Parents lack to give you a feeling of wrong or right, thus invalidation. And I believe you're best helped with your own value system, like "what do I like, what do I not like?" artistically spoken "draw a 2D figure of what you are with clear lines and shapes" and also meditation and stuff because it helps noticing your own body, noticing your own "shape" your physical boundaries against the world. What also helps me a lot is cleaning, because it has an instant impact on the outside world, which you are responsible for. Also (sounds weird) but occasionally chatting on dating platforms, because no matter what happens, people tend to ask you questions about yourself which helps you think about yourself and define yourself through social interactions.
You can find it in the comments at least :)
@@cappuchino_creations that would definitely only be something that would help women..
Online dating sites are a completely deflating and negative experience in regards to anyone with self worth or value issues..
They usually recommend therapy. Which I agree. It's a safe person, professional, who can help reorganize these feelings and thoughts, throw new light at this life long subject.
Last sentence is telling you how to cope
People who neglect their children should never have had them in the first place. It's sad and disgusting. :c
But, P r o-Life!
My (parent) religion have doctrine, the more the better. Thats why me and my siblings was born.
@@tegarhanif3007 imagine being born because people read words then revolved their lives around said words and brought the kids into it without the kids growing up and choosing for themselves.
@@thereisnosanctuary6184That's exactly what I was thinking. It makes no sense to me to bring unwanted and/or unloved children into the world.
@@tinypixiekitten7806
Yet, here I am. Age 50. Absolutely abandoned and abused by family. A non being.
I feel absolutely alone in this world. I don't fit in or belong anywhere.
To those who don't belong there is a place too, you are alone, but not lonely, you are not lonely !
Read the comments here, you'll see
I feel you.....
You belong
Feel you deep down. Just know you deserve a lot in this world
Same ;-; like ever time I try get past my comfort zone it’s just gets me and reminds me that I’m different and don’t belong :(
As a grown man I have no idea how to share with others my feelings, opinions or interests. Growing up in a particularly "cold" household I got used to people around me not caring about what I like or dislike so I don't ever feel the need to share anyting, but when I do... I can't find any words for it and feel inadequate.
Me too. istruggle to know what I want and like. Have you too "chosen" a favourite flower or sth or "decided" to be friends with someone?
Or fearing you’ll get ignored again when you do. I have neglect trauma both from home and from people outside home, when they ignore you all the time, for me it happened bc of racism
This hit me like a brick. Im 31 and still suffering this through relationships thinking its okay when its not. All due to my upbringing.
I'm your age, and I notice you watched this video and expressed a sentiment I'm feeling less than an hour ago
I'm 37 and after years of therapy I'm still not capable of making healthy decisions when it comes to intimate relationships. There is improvement, but it also seems that I have to stumble over every time again and it's taking months or even longer to work through the emotional stuff once more.
I have some very strong friendships though. I cherish those more than everything. They are the lights in the dark.
Does It happen to you too that you put yourself in relationships (even non romantic) where the other one tends to treat you like disposable asset?
Please do not worry you will heal. Keep faith in God.
I'm 60 now, Dad still treats me like I don't matter to him: wasting my time waiting for him. He's pathetic and only cares what strangers and his cronies think about him. His attitude problem, not mine.
Not getting love as a child creates such an empty feeling inside and growing up all I wanted to do was find ways to fill that void. Constantly chasing love and wanting to feel like someone actually cares, doing whatever it takes, but it never goes away, the emptiness never goes away.
I know
Cats and dogs give unconditional.
I can relate to this I hate myself and I’m trying to learn to love myself slowly but it’s challenging because I always feel empty on inside ;-;
:(((( ahhh
it puts a smile on my face to know I'm not alone
This was my childhood experience. Fast forward a few years and we have depression, anxiety and several suicide attempts. Leading on to two decades of drug addiction and self loathing. I am only just beginning to understand and recover from this now that I have had years of therapy. Fast forward a few more years and I am a volunteer for a mental health charity and a trainee counsellor.
This is a deeply misunderstood form of abuse. Usually from parents that were themselves neglected as children. But, we can break that cycle if we can start to heal and understand ourselves.
You’re loved 🙌❤️
This made me bust out crying...and I hardly ever cry. However not in front of anyone, I almost never cry in front of people.
I love my parents with all my heart because I can see they were hurt and must have experienced their own traumas decades ago. But that doesn’t take away any of the doubt or hate for myself that originated from the emotional neglect I had to experience.
They were not able to seek help for themselves and therefore unable to care for me or teach me love in the way I needed it. I’m 32 now and the feeling of not being worthy of love has tainted every meaningful relationship I ever had - be it friends or partners. At times it feels overwhelming, as if I am all alone in this world, undeserving of any kind of love. Reading your comments gives me sense of not being alone. Thank you all for sharing your experiences ❤️
This was very necessary! Very validating to someone like me, who has come to realise that 'emotional neglect' in my childhood is the source of my toxic attachments, need to please, negative self image, and let's be real here, even sexual desires. Only recently have I come to realise the full extent of my rebellious teenage behaviour as testing how far I could go before my parents would show me that they cared.
Yes, sexual desires are also a problem when you suffered emotional neglect, I realised this just very recently, I can feel you
OMG YOU EXPLAINED IT WELL
Wow, this is me too
@@douglascampbell4993 how was it for you? Could you please share a bit your experience?
@@pancholopezpaz What do you mean by sexual desires? As in, how did emotional neglect affect your sexual desires or sex life in general?
What was and is even more hurtful and damaging is that the omission of hugs, genuine and authentic expressions of feelings, and the silence were ALLL NOTICED, WITNESSED AND IGNORED by the other adults around you, including school teachers, counselors, and even your friends' parents.
It happened to me. Due to racism
hugs to everyone here.
personally this concept has only sunk in me just tonight, then a "highlight reel" of emotional regret started playing in my mind.
this is one of the many reasons why i can never maintain a relationship with other people. because i never had, have, and will have a reference point for what a "nourishing" relationship is.
My dad was glued to the computer and turned willfully deaf when I tried to talk to him. He’s different when my cousins around, but once she left he’d turn deaf and mute again. I still think he must’ve hated me to do such a thing to a child
Same. He could show up emotionally for friends but not for the family.
My dad was deaf but never learned how to talk or communicate with me, just others like my mom. I wasn't worth it according to him. He would also come into my room and toss my stuff. He wanted his own office. I'm very sad still and i'm 33. I dont get why im hated
I'm 74 and was born with Cerebral Palsy and autism because my mother took abortifacients because she didn't want me. I survived and trapped her in a marriage she didn't want. She married my Dad expecting to get a widow's pension; because he enlisted as a medic in WWII.
I experienced both abuse and neglect my entire life. It was always my fault. I'm never good enough. I don't know why therapists thought blaming me would make anything better.
I know that I can't change what was done to me. I can only change how I deal with it. And, there's a lot of it. I thank you for showing me what is real. I could not have survived if I accepted reality as a vulnerable dependent child. I was constantly told that everyone would be better off if I killed myself. I was also told that I would outgrow my birth defects if I worked hard at speech therapy and improving my bad self. When I reached puberty, I declared I had outgrown my birth defects. I wouldn't accept reality. I pretended to be normal and tried to hide my failures and stare down anyone who drew attention to them. I learned to walk pretty well but still had a wiggle. People were always accusing me of trying to be Marilyn Monroe. I also misspeak and correct myself but people accuse me of being a liar.
I developed really self-defeating coping mechanisms including a relentless cheerful optimism that I could overcome any obstacle. I found myself in relationships or turned relationships into trying to make myself worthy of not being mistreated.
I have finally begun to change by radical acceptance of reality. This video revealed a lot of realities for me. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing. You sound like a wonderful intelligent human being.
How articulate x what a powerful story. I don’t know if it’s true but I’ve heard from some that we pick the life we are born in to, we choose the challenges and learn the lessons here on earth and then the soul grows. Then the next life you pick is perhaps completely different when you overcome this life’s challenges.
Ahhh. My heart goes out to you. People are so cruel. I don’t know why we are all so damaged and just hurt each other when in reality everyone wants to love and be loved. Something is wrong with this place
My my. But what wisdom and insight you have!
You have a right to be here, as much as the moon and the stars, as much as any other sentient being in the universe, you have a right to be here. Shame on the people who told you otherwise, shame on them for projecting their issues onto you so they could attempt to avoid their own internal discomfort. I am sorry your caregivers failed you, you deserved so much better.
In spite of everything, you are clearly a phenomenal person with extraordinary strength. Your resourcefulness is remarkable, you have a lot to be proud of. The things you're speaking of are extremely difficult to face, but I hope that you find peace. 💜
I don't think I was emotionally neglected as a kid, but my parents were always really dismissive of me having emotional outbursts, or really distress at all, and the was the expectation to not feel, or if I did, to not let it affect me and to either ignore it or address it privately and quietly. I'm pretty okay, I think, but I still feel terrible for showing emotions, since my brain tells me I'm being a burden.
This IS emotional neglect.
Every time I go to my childhood memories all I feel is disconnection. From both of them. My father was an alcoholic and my mother really codependent. She never interacted with me or my siblings. We were invisible. There's an image in this video that screams "I exist"... I believe that as an adult all I do it's oriented to find people's approval and feel that I exist. I have been thinking about the notion of love too. I tought the only time I gave unconditional love was to my mother and it was never reciprocated.
Lately I've been entertaining the idea that maybe I don't have to call it love, it was just my survival instinct distorting my reality to protect her image. But then, what is love? What I can see is that I have wasted many years and energies trying to find love in a romantic partner, only to find familiarity (now, thanks to this channel in part I know better). At the end, there's nothing out there to fill this void. I must starting exploring it from the inside.
This is great insight. Growing up I was numb and unable to form social bond or express emotions. All I felt was anger however it transitioned into internal warfare when I somehow learn to shift and open this emotional aspect of myself. I could no longer let myself get angry because I believe it breeds destruction to social bond. When anger wasn't my predominant emotion, it changed into fear. Fear of hurting other people and this leads me to depression and a lack of self importance. When you are angry at least you assert yourself, now I feel I'm diminishing myself and let other people's world be an authority.
I like the insight you said about this distorted view of love towards your parents. It's like going back to the same turf and you have no option but be good or else the familial bond will fail. And boy,,,, it depresses me to the bone. I want out yet cohabiting with another human being is incapacitating because it requires great amount of vulnerability and trust
What is love, indeed?
I used to be my mother's favourite child, probably because I made myself as invisible as possible. For years I believed to love her so very strongly.
Now I don't know. It hurts so much to say, but I just don't know if I love her. There is so much emptiness.
Especially since I broke with (her) religion, it feels like there is nothing left that could keep us together.
@@honingbijtje83 if you want the truth but I warn you there is no going back it will be given to you in case of religion, world everything on why yet it is a jaw breaker you might be very disappointed too if you want more, actually what you will find you knew it all along but still couldn’t believe it. Afterwards though you will find the courage to embrace anything and accept the why on everything easily and realize the balance in universe.
read "Running on empty". by Jonice Webb It's a great book on overcoming emotional neglect
You need to specify the author, there are several books and even a movie with that title.
@@PatinaX73 Jonice Webb
@@PatinaX73 good idea, added it to the post
I will check it out.
It's a good book but lts not the complete answer.
My mother was one of those who you could tell never really wanted kids and she shows that with her mindset and the way she is. She provides everything me and my siblings need but everything seems like it revolves around her feelings and what she cares about! She always focuses more on the man in her life then us
Emotional neglect made my inner voice very strong & robust.
Fortunately, it was kind & reassuring when others weren't.
For that, I'm grateful 🙏
What hurts the most is my parents act like nothing bad happened. They are so ignorant that they don't even realise what they have done.
Teach them like you learned it❤❤❤❤❤
@@marydunning1722 I don’t speak to my dad at all anymore and my mum occasionally
This is how my ex-husband was towards our daughter. Living in the same house, but never really there, apathetic, resentful. Missed birthdays, never a goodnight hug or a story. No eye contact, or acknowledgment.
I realized too late that I chose an emotionally unavailable partner, because I had grown up with neglect myself.
Luckily, everything is great now! My child has a strong support system. I’m healing myself and my ex is working towards a better relationship with his daughter.
If we heal our wounds we don’t have to repeat old patterns, we don’t have to pass those things on to our kids.
I can't stop crying. I have no money for therapy. May god help everyone like me😢
I can talk with you 😇
You aren’t alone.
And you are far more precious than you may ever know.
I do hope you do know this deep inside one day.
Man that really sucks....Does your country have atleast a helpline??? It's not therapy but atleast someone can listen to you for free. And they probably can help you find an inexpensive therapist.
Yeah I notice a lot of people taking therapy in the west, they each have their own therapist to open up to...those privileged people.
Can you find a meditation group? They are often free to people on a low income and the skills you learn are exactly the same as the ones you need to parent yourself. Don't be ashamed and feel pressured to donate if one is asked, it's asked of people that can afford it so that people like you don't have to and it's ok to say no.
I've had long periods where I couldn't afford therapy, and occasional short stretches when I could. In my experience, therapists are very hit and miss and often overestimate their ability to make an impact. Useful, yes, but not the only way to heal, or even the best way.
My mother hated me and ignored me when I was young, now that I'm older she's annoying as hell. Always calling monitoring what I'm doing. I find it very annoying and abusive. She'll ask how's work and then proceed to tell me all about her life as if I care.
This sounds like defense mechanism to me, either reaction formation or overcompensation. But, could potentially be a narcissist, but I would say from this little info that is jumping the gun :). I am sorry to hear this though, I can only try and imagine what that may have been like for you. My mother has been pretty emotionally unavailable throughout my childhood, but I wouldn't say that she hated me. :( She was mainly struggling with severe PTSD and Treatment Resistant Depression.
Same
My mother is the same
Omg this also my story. Did your mom treated you like your were here friend? More like she wants you to be on her side of the story and tells you all the (family) drama
perhaps she's hoping you'd contribute to her retirement fund...
I have many problems with my narcissist mom.
This is so hard. I really hope you get better, find good solace and treatment
Me too. I just wrote a comment asking the channel to produce a video on the matter.
It's so hard. If you cut them out of your life so they stop stabbing you emotionally with their venomous games, they will play victim. The entire family will be enlisted as flying monkeys and turned against you. If you keep them in your life, you will suffer for decades unless you set very firm and high boundaries and study how to have conversations with narcissists. They don't think like normal people, and it takes an entirely different conversational style and reaction pattern to manage them at all. Learning how to go grey rock (boring, boring, boring), not to volunteer info that will be used against you later, not to get sucked into the games of allowing them to give you money (which always has strings attached, as you will soon learn), how not to permit gaslighting, how to protect your emotional health, etc., etc. It takes a lot of learning to deal with these mothers. And even more to recover from all the childhood emotional abuse, to value and honor yourself and your needs. Lisa A. Romano has a program, as do some other folks. Wishing you all the best, please honor your own needs and reduce contact as much as possible. It's critical. Their parasitic nature and need to oppress can bleed you dry if you don't set boundaries. I can recommend some books on recovering from these kinds of mothers, although they are written for daughters the exercises should be healing for sons as well. YOU MATTER. PROTECT YOUR HAPPINESS!! EXIT IF YOU NEED TO. You can't save those who refuse to admit they have issues, and you've suffered too much already.
@@falconbritt5461 💜
@@falconbritt5461 thank you 😊
I wish I could give all of your younger selves a hug and reassure you you’re worthy of love. I hope you all know we are not responsible for the actions of our caretakers. We are enough as we are. Simply acknowledging and accepting we were emotionally neglected is a start. I hope you all find peace, love, and a way to connect with your inner child in a way that brings you joy. I love you all, it’s going to be okay. I’ll be your friend
My childhood has been every way exploited, be it violence or rape, emotional neglectes or witnessing domestic violence, you say it. And till now I suffer so much, till now I'm neglected by my parents. Life is difficult man
Wow, you must be so strong, but if you're here, you must be thinking the total opposite. Those contradictions are funny.. I hope you can see how strong you really are
Stay strong!
Wish you a long prosperous life and healing ❤️🩹
When I grew up, my brother and sister would not acknowledge my presence in any room and would never speak to me (or to each other). I was the youngest child. My mom was the only real human but she was cold and extremely busy although she was not malicious. She was kind. My father had no emotion and did not like his kids. He was never there. Never was hugged by either parent and they never said they loved me. I told two people growing up that my brother and sister never ever spoke to me, and my friends did not believe me. From that point forward, I never told anyone because I realized it was simply unbelievable. I spent my life having zero confidence in myself, not being able to speak in public and having panic attacks.
My mother started to stop hugging me when she met my step father. It was as if I didn't exist anymore. What's more he was unkind with me and she never protected me from his bad behaviour towards me. But now as an adult It's okay no problem. I cleared my traumas and feel stronger than ever. It can take time to purge the mind from the suffering but you can tell yourself that the suffering can be optional because anyway things happened this way and you can't change the story
One day i've seen a mother telling her child "come here, love", and it felt like someone was trying to squeeze my heart. I couldn't even look at them.
Now at 36 i still feel the need for some affection, but i am not able to accept or to appreciate it. Fuck
That's just how it feels, I hope we can learn to listen, maybe we can manage to give something we never had, with hopes of having a taste of it
I know what you mean… it’s like “ who me?” That’s never gonna happen.
to everyone one here. you're not alone. the life doesnt stop because you had awful parents. go on. get attached to life that this fact doesn’t matter anymore. fuck the things you were not able to choose. remember you are better than them. and you're in this life for a reason. please use your pain as a fuel, for your dreams. you don't owe them anything. go on with life.
I was emotionally neglected by my father and loved by my mother. But later in my early teens my mother got into a new relationship and ended up emotionally neglecting me as well. She seemed far more interested in her new boyfriend than she did in me. When I told her how I felt she would lash out as me. To this day, neither f them really feel like they did anything wrong. I now have abandonment issues and feel like I must constantly change myself.
Dear Wildflower, I am sorry this happened to you. Please get help. It can be hard to find the right therapist but keep trying. My mom provided me with the basics but no hugs, smiles or interest in me. Her treatment of me as an adult was one of indifference mingled with occasional harshness and slights. It was very hard for me to reconcile the mom of my childhood with the mom of my adulthood. I finally realized that when I was a kid she was just fulfilling an obligation she probably ha never wanted. When I grew up, she just wanted me to go away.
It is not your fault was not there for you. I hope you can learn to provide yourself with the love you deserve. As adults we only have ourselves. If we are lucky we may find a good mate. BUT do not sell yourself short just to have someone. Learn to love yourself first. Then if someone comes along who can provide extra love you will recognize the rightness of it.
I cried a lot because I relate so much... and as the girl was giving examples of emotional neglect atitudes from parents, I saw myself in the examples... And Hurts so much but its also relieve, because I finally can see that the problem wasnt me, at all! Thanks for that!
I just turned 18 three days ago. These past few months have been very rough because I always thought there's something wrong with me. I am very distant with my family and friends and feel empty inside. My parents' neglect has affected me and manifested in low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, and emptiness. I am trying to heal so I can be a better person, I wish everyone good luck on their journey. Healing is not a process and it will never end
I was heavily neglected as a Child. Alcoholic father and an emotionally absent mother I was never told we're proud of you, or given a hug. I was scolded, smacked, hit, and hurt. My father was an authoritarian and my mother a willing accomplice for her own survivial. Of my siblings I'm the oldest and the only one to have moved out, moved on, and not been committed to a psychiatric institute. I find in lovers she needs to be kind, caring, emotionally attentive, and have that special spark of life only some people have. My need for emotional connection is palpable.
I just don’t understand the people who keep harping on the speaker’s voice, when the message is so poignant and powerful.
Same here! The girl's voice is soothing as well, in her own unique way. For those too attached to de Botton's voice, they're just a click away from other SOL's videos featuring only Alain's voice.
Its a lovely irony to hear a young British girl speak of such horrors.
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 Ehem, it sounds a little belittling to hint at her "young" age not qualifying her for dispensing life advice. Her voice sounds young, but maybe she's older than her voice sounds. She's perhaps a better adult than some (indeed, most) of the older adults here. She's reading out the script she was provided, just like Alain de Botton himself. And isn't it a very sad irony that we, older adults, are swarming in here to weep and sob to heal our inner children that were so neglected when we were actual children? Did she steal your toy? I'll give you my truck if that makes you feel better.
If I could chose I'd go for the male one... but I can't really say why... I personally like the sound of the voice a bit more... maybe I find it more calming. But she does a great job and the message get's delivered... an that is what counts 👌
I said it was ironic, not displeasing. These problems became rampant as a side effect of the Baby Boomers/Me Generation supposed enlightenment colliding with immersive technology substituting real human expression. For every video game played, there isn't a father teaching his son how to build a model airplane. For every pizza delivered, there isn't a family meal at grandmas house.
Watching this video, I felt this sense of struggle between feeling emotional neglect and the guilt for feeling that way especially when I've been provided the basics of survival needs by my parents. I know they did what they can with the best intent but I hated their dysfunctional relationship. Looking back, I see mostly memories of them arguing, my mom crying and me having to console her. Then the following days or weeks of cold war between them. I didnt realised this but I think the desperation to resolve my sense of emotional neglect is manifesting as this strong desire to be in a relationship to fill that void of wanting to be cuddled, kissed and consoled.
Thanks for this video. Thanks a lot. Nobody ever spoke about this. Like, I'm crying.
🤗 You're not alone in this.🤗
We are together, without removing the stigma of the people, It will only cause us more harm. It is better to walk away
Being raised by two neurodivergent parents who aren't self-aware of their own challenges has a similar effect: A kid that doesn't get their emotional needs met, not because of malice but because each parent doesn't recognise the needs and is doing their best (a young child often can't verbalise what's lacking or that they're not coping). You can't blame these otherwise loving parents for not knowing differently, but the resulting children can really struggle 😟
I love my parents, I really do. But most of the time, I feel like they don't appreciate anything about me.
This is me. Growing up I had no idea of course. No hugs. No I love you. I grew up feeling ugly and defective. And it ruined my life. I had a nervous break down in college and fell into depression until finding antidepressants which only numbed over the inner pain and self hatred… It’s too late to fix the damage… My parents were emotionally damaged themselves so they had no idea… Love is indeed the most important thing
if i dont smoke, if i stop drinking, ill remember all the hurt and shitty things that happenend to me growing up and its too much.
@Vyys you're just mean
Harm reduction. Don't torture yourself. Instead of sinking in tobacco and alcohol, research the benefits of psychedelics and CBT
@@HMohr yes but it’s true
@Vyys often the advice we give to others is the advice we need to recieve.
sending you love James, I know it's hard but don't give up. Thanks for being vulnerable.
Who told Alain that he could stop soothing my soul with his voice. I need to speak to the manager!
Right... funny how that works, right?
I feel kind of abandoned by not hearing his soothing voice, especially as this is such a hard topic...
Yup, Mum never had time to look at a drawing or essay I did despite her not having to go out to work. Yet she found time to criticize us....funny that! And then many (not all though) school mates, college mates and work mates also treated me like I was worthless.
same but with dad
One of my more fond memories is of a time in elementary school. I had watched my older brother play through The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time on the gamecube and was so inspired by the story, the character, and the plot that I spent the entire night making a little storybook that describes the story and featured my own drawings. I remember folding the notebook paper to make it seem like a little paper book with staples holding the folds shut. I was so proud of that. I thought it was incredible that I could do such a thing. I remember I showed my mom that night. I don't remember anything. No response. No affection. No praising. I took it to school and I just kept rereading what I wrote. I remember the teacher asked me what I had and told her I made this story. I remember her smile and pleasure as she skimmed through my creation. I remember being so happy that someone saw what I did, but I never felt like I had that at home.
just got diagnosed with a fear of abandonment due to emotional neglect as a child yesterday. it’s nice to know i’m not crazy, that what i thought all along about myself is true.
I’ve been realizing this is my problem the last few yrs. Seems I’ve felt with this neglect and invisible feeling for a good 25 yrs. Last 3 yrs are torture. Family doesn’t give a damn no matter how I try and explain. I’ve decided I have to drop all of them and move on as best as I can. Very tiring and very rough. I hate this feeling and hope things end asap. Can’t deal much longer and I just need it over.
A friend once told me “don’t kick the vending machine” if you come to someone who you care deeply about to share a interest you have but are always dismissed without change. Give them the small things you don’t care about and hold the things that made you happy to yourself
I think I kinda have gone through an emotional abuse like that in nearly all my social circles.
I was always a loner kid at school, disliked for reasons I never knew - this happens to this day, too. Whenever I would make plans to hang out with someone (usually online friends, since - yeah - school was iffy), the person I made plans with wasn't later available. Playing a video game together? Happened once every 3 months at best - if we started a co-op playthrough of something, we'd play that one time and never again. Birthday? I've had people remember my birthday and say they will celebrate it when it comes next week, yet when it came not a single person reached out to me (funny enough, I had this observation almost a full year ago - my birthday's coming up again). I did 3D art or wrote short stories and wanted to show it to mum, friends? Nobody cared. University clubs? They all consisted of seemingly premade friend circles that generally didn't care for moi. I have one friend who was always different and treated me fairly, but there came some iffy situations from that too - naturally, I grew attached to them and they perceived it as clinginess.
Still in my early 20s, at this point in my life I kinda just.. gave up on the whole socialising thing. I have to survive alone, enjoying the social aspects of life must remain an occasional treat - and I can't raise my hopes up for anything at all, because each and every single time I did I only got burned.
I do feel you
Hi im 58. I too find it impossable to socialize. Its partly to do with this era and social media.
My advise is do things you enjoy and speak with those open to you. Expect nothing and some one will approach you. It may take a long time. Seeking friendships drives one mad and frustrated. There is no social structure any more to make friends properly. People are cruel and selfish. If you have one friend your lucky.
I choose Jesus everyone else comes and gos.
Good luck
I burn with you. Good luck, charcoal lump!
I can totally relate. Neglected child here too.
💕💖🙏🏻✨
I was hit, and mistreated unbelievably, plus subjected to emotional deprivation. Only God can heal it.
My Dad couldn’t relate to me as a young child. He always seemed annoyed by me.. our relationship changed as I got older and could have more grown up conversations with him. I even learned how to make him laugh. I eventually told him how I felt as a child. And he said no he was never disappointed in me.I felt good that I could tell him that and that he received it well and not defensively. He’s gone now and I do miss seeing him and talking. We really had a good adult relationship. But I’m a middle aged woman now and I can see how it really affected my self esteem and the men I choose to have relationships with. I just keep repeating the pattern if finding men who are indifferent or reject me on some level over and over.
The best career advice that I learned is don’t ever attach your-self to a PERSON, a place, a company, an organization or a project. Only Attach your-self to your mission in life and your PURPOSE. That’s how you keep your power and keep your peace!
How did you learn this?
I love this.
Alone, life is not worth living.
Need to have some social life, with people who also need you for their social life.
@@mulimotola44 I do agree with that, but there's a balance that we need to have. I think he's saying don't attach yourself because you will end up getting hurt. Like if you attach yourself to your family and childhood, you won't be able to move forward if it was toxic.
Self-help BS, healthy attachments are the foundation of good mental health.
I was extremely neglected during childhood. I was abandoned from my mom and step sisters and afterwards I lived with my father whose I almost never talked to.
Tut mir echt leid, das zu hören, mann. Das ist sehr hart. Ich hoffe wirklich, Du hast ein paar Leute in deinem Leben, die das ausgleichen, die dich sehen und sich für Dich interessieren!
Das ist schon ok. Danke dir für dein Mitgefühl. :) So etwas macht einen gleichzeitig viel reifer und auf eine Art und Weise klüger. Aber natürlich hätte ich es trotzdem lieber anders gehabt. Danke dir, ich habe tolle Freunde, die für mich da sein können. :)
So real to my past, we had emotional neglect and beatings, but we were fed.
This is also me. Reading the comments make me cry as much as this video.
I did some therapy, but recently I talked to a new therapist. I'm really trying to find a solution... And it's true that i'm always trying to calm my feelings with something to watch or distract myself but, by doing that all the time, I am not living my real life. With this pandemic, it's worst. I don't have the energy to really act and furfill my dreams, to permit myself to live and exist. Because my existence was invisible for so long.
I've normalized settling/being okay with the bare minimum when it came to some relationships, putting their feelings and needs first
Yes, but some of us received a combination of ignoring, emotional manipulation, and physical stuff too. Not just neglect. Is important to remember that is way more complicated of an issue than it first appears. and the parents themselves also neglect themselves etc.
Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest.👍
What ?
You've obviously yet to feel real emotional pain on a grand scale, "Daily Dose of Medicine". 🙄
This is me. My parents are both survivors of awful childhood trauma, everything was about their suffering. My dad met me once and never bothered to keep up the contact with me. Nobody in my family reached out to wish me happy birthday or see how I was doing. My mom has BPD and we are currently not talking because I can’t deal with her manipulative ways. I’m actually estranged from my entire family and I have always relied on friends for good times and companionships- they’ve always come through. What has really kept me going is strong spiritual contemplation, and a feeling of zest for the experience of being alive- enjoying the adventures of what life has to offer.
My parents interacted a lot with me, but it was always about topics they were interested in. There was never much time to talk about the things that mattered to me. I had to rush, not be boring, and be deserving of the limited time they offered.
Emotional neglect isn't so easily recognized. Sometimes it's as mundane as "hurry up and speak so we can get back to the more important topics."
I’m guilty of this as a parent. I had my son at 19, I went to school and worked and raised him by myself… I had postpartum depression which then turned into regular depression…. when I came home from work I didn’t have the energy to entertain him or play with him… I often dismissed him. I can honestly say I regret it. He’s 8 now and he’s so unsure of himself, he is emotionally unstable, and it’s MY FAULT. I’ve learned and I’m constantly doing everything I can to heal him, and let him know he matters and I see him. I still feel horrible for not noticing sooner.
" A crucial part of the psychologycal life is the disinclination of any child to thing that there is something wrong with its parent , it will go to almost any length to prevent the idea emerging that its parent may be mentally unwell or fundamentally brutish "
really enlightening point , thanks !
Thank you for posting this. The hardest thing about this is realizing yourself that this happened to you.
I felt like my parents didn't love because they didn't show any affection and shamed me for having emotions rather than address them. I thought about running away, but I had no where to go.
This is exactly my childhood. My mom was always behind my sister back and when she moved out her attention moved on her lover and lately on her new partner. Never spoke to me unless it was to impose her wants on me or to punish me. Rarely told me nice things or cared about what I liked (most of the times she would only judge them badly). The thing that saved me was to not care about her too. We live together but we look like roommates. Same thing for my father. Their attention was always on other thing or people, but me.
Exactly as in my case
I was just thinking about this today (the depressive gloom of February has yet to lift). I had older siblings and I was often excluded, my parents did nothing to mediate, they had their relationship issues. My unhappiness at school was interpreted as insolence (not paying attention), the teachers’ lack of emotional intelligence was damaging. I have built up ‘resilience’ to manage my feelings, but it is often interpreted as independence or not wanting the company of others. I describe it as a ‘carapace’.
This woman's voice fits perfect on this video, soft and calm talking about something that for most people is irrelevant yet that in reality has a tremendous impact on ours lives.
I was left to fend for myself when it came to my emotions. My parents always fought, I felt like they would snap at me any minute and they never had time for me so I never really went to them for anything. I’m a new mom now, and I find myself always trying to hold my baby, even when I shower I feel bad that I’m not holding him. Sometimes I go without eating. I think it’s because I don’t want to raise him feeling unloved and alone. I could never forgive myself if I made him feel that way. I hope I raise him a loved and happy individual.
I got engaged last year to the most beautiful woman I had ever met, she was a good friend of mine 3 years so there was no spontaneity. She ended up deciding to ask if I wanted kids and I said flip a coin... Because I am spiritual & genuinely believe that everything happens for a reason. I had picked the most beautiful name for our duaghter: Emily Rose (first and middle). I spoke to Emily for the 2 months she was being carried until her mother committed scuicide by overdosing on opiates. I will spare myself thinking about the datails of the rest of that night because I'm always very sensitive about this. That was 332 days ago, thats how many nights I have spent alone on my side of our bed, putting myself down because I am the last person alive and it's my burden to make sure I never forget my love for my two beautiful women of my life.
I'm sorry if you are sad rn because you don't have to be sad alone. I wish I could've never met my fiance but we all have regrets. So now I have a scar in my heart. Whenever I see a beautiful young woman smile at me I feel bad if I don't look away because I only know pain & hardships. This is my story.
I’m so sorry Pener. I hope, with time.. you will be able to accept happiness again and welcome love into your life. You are such a beautiful human being and deserve so much love.
Sending love and light.
I just recently realized that I have this problem of emotional neglect and I received it throughout my childhood ,this video just confirmed it perfectly
I feel like I'm receiving emotional neglect from my husband. Any time I talk about my feelings he gets frustrated and doesn't know how to deal with me.
He has definitely gone through emotional neglect and now he takes it out on everyone else.
I remember trying to read as child . It was hard and it made me sad because there was nobody there to help me. It felt that anything I did didn't matter to anyone and that I was not good enough that I was the problem.
I gave up on every task because I didn't know what to do and it made me feel sad. I cry a lot alone where nobody can see me quietly.
I became a mute child, scare child, a lonely child, a child with no skills. I would only talk to myself my imagination. No parents around just my grandmother that didn't pay attention to me. No adults to encourage me or help me. I had no friends either because I couldn't befriend anyone. No skills in friendship.
Sometimes teachers would be hurtful with their words because they thought i was stupid child or lazy child in their eyes . This is late 80's and early 90's in a private school.
I would stay in my room or watch cartoons. I stayed away from adults. I didn't trust adults especially the males because I was molested by them.
Now I remember each memory and separate the emotions to heal it. A lot work but it pays off people. We can heal our emotion memories, 5yrs of work.
As an adult now I can nature myself my inner child with loving emotions and tell her she did great job. That she survive, that she was brave. And that she didn't do anything wrong. It was the adults fault not her.
When I was around eleven or twelve, I started having these hateful thoughts. I questioned myself over and over “Why do I have so many things I don’t deserve?”, “There are many people who would be better without me”, “It is not right that I am given this much attention and help”. Now I recognize this is not normal, but I can’t help but to feel useless and replaceable when I do something wrong, and I tend to mess up A LOT.
So I started questioning where these beliefs were coming from. My parents are good. They are caring, responsible and trustful, but I won’t deny that I sometimes feel like they mock my negative reactions, or give little importance to what i think and say... they are disrespectful and sometimes unpredictable. I’m still trying to figure us out though.
My dad left when I was 6, my mom was uncapable of feeling love for anyone, I would try to hug her and she would shove me away. I hope someday I can forgive them.
Why do you need to? Why don’t you accept that the are the broken ones, move on and love yourself? I know where you are coming from. My father was on his death bed and I whispered in his ear that I forgive him. I wanted him to know that he hurt me all of his life and he couldn’t beat me. I am stronger than that. I became the person they said I would never be. I plan on doing this with my mother as well. No matter what they did to me, I rose above it. They don’t deserve our forgiveness because they never asked for it.
@@bethmorano1452 I had a great experience with forgiveness and it's not about showing anyone how strong you are, it's about not carrying the burden they gave you. The moment you truly forgive someone the space they used to occupy inside your head is free to be used by something more constructive. I still hope I can forgive them someday.
It took me 34 years to come to terms with the fact that my mother is toxic, and she secretly hates me for looking identical to my biological father, whom she openly claims to despise. She only got more distant after my father died, nothing changed between us. I have to admit it. I Hate Her. She has Never Been There For Me. 😶
I gave my mom a drawing i made, i then found it in a trashbag near the street trashbin a day later and I took it out and asked why she threw it out, she grilled me for rummaging through the trash. I was... 9? 8? I always hated my mom >_> classic soviet style get good grades to earn affection and everything you like is not important
Dude.
I know! I made mothers day cards, valentine's day cards, etc, for my stepmom all during childhood. I hand drew and painted them. They sad things like "I love you mommy!" Etc. When I was 20, and living by myself, she mailed them all back to me. As if to say, "these mean nothing to me." I am middle aged and it still hurts. But at least I know how she feels.
@@graveyardghost2603 bruh the fact she kept them is already several steps up from mine throwing it away the next day
@@Newidhan yes, that is true! I am sorry she did that to you.
This reminds me of something my dad did hahah One day when i was about six years old, i was drawing a pizza and my dad asks me if it was for him (because it had been his birthday or something). I tell him no, so he makes some dumb joke, saying that i didn't love him. I obviously feel bad about it and when i finish it i gift it to him. Literally a day later he finds it (where he himself put it) and asks who it belonged to. Like ????? Why make such a fuss about it when you clearly didn't care enough to remember?
He often forgets anything related to me or my siblings. Funny thing is that he then gets all mad and disappointed because we all prefer our mother pfff Being a parent is more than just providing
I never knew I needed this. Just one hour ago, I was questioning myself, where I am lacking because no matter how hard I try, I won't ever receive the love I so wanted to have since I was a kid. And now this video popped up as if it was reading my mind all along. My mother loves the elder sibling and showers endearments like hugs but she never turns around to even glance at me. She is always quick to say that she loves me(just as all parents do) but my point is whether she likes me as a person. I want to be acknowledged as a daughter, an individual but this ignorance and the way I am made to feel non existent is so painful. It hurts so bad.And it is so true that I won't share this with anyone who knows me because I don't want to cut a sorry figure. And perhaps I wouldn't have written all of it here or maybe delete the whole thing later on. But the timing today was like a force. I was purposely denying the fact that I am unloved. And suddenly this video and it broke a dam and I had to put some of it down here just to retain my peace of mind
No! I'm glad you wrote this. Seriously, I feel the same way
I empathize with you. You are important and you are worth moving. May us all who had parents who refused to see us, may we show others that we see them
My grandmother told me once that she felt bad for me because when I got put on time outs I was so well behaved that my parents forgot about me completely. Hours later she would check on me and find me sleeping. I would simply entertain myself alone and then eventually knock out. My sister was never forgotten in this way because she spent her entire time out asking to be let off. It was so annoying my parents couldn't forget she was there, lol. I learned as a kid to self soothe alone through distraction, mostly reading fantasy. I spent much of my early and mid teens up a tree with a book. It was the only place I could go where I wouldn't be interrupted. My room wasn't truly my space, as my mom came and went as she pleased and would move in and out of my room depending on how she felt about my dad. My sister wasn't any better, being incredibly invasive and rather forceful in seeking attention. All I wanted was to be left alone, because being alone was the safest way to be.
I’ve grown up with mild but constant forms of emotional neglect and gaslighting/ bullying from my parents and it’s resulted in about 6 years of depression, anxiety, and some personality issues. The main thing to overcoming my illnesses have been acknowledging them. When I was 13-17 I would deny that I was in need of help because my life is perfect and everyone I know seems to be worse off. Discovering school of life this year, and going to therapy after an outburst of unbearable mental illness has improved my life for the better. I was emotionally mature before but it’s really helped me understand where my problems have come from and how to acknowledge things that I didn’t know had hurt me. Thank you school of life for educating me.
*every family has a person who breaks the chain of poverty. I hope you will be that person!*
Same goes with cycles of abuse
Money is necessary, but not sufficient of itself to escape neglect. You can be rich materially, but emotionally poor.
That's a capitalistic lie if I ever saw one lmao
@@wile123456 It is in fact possible to break the cycle, it is just super hard and takes long work. You could also win olympics, just as difficult, but does everyone try it? No, because they do not care. Dedication is a luxus if you first gotta deal with psychological damage
Stfu