Autism And Gender Identity
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- čas přidán 18. 11. 2021
- Autism and Gender Identity.
I'm discussing the differences between gender identity, biological sex and gender expression.
As well as how gender identity experiences may differ for autistic people(including info about autigender) and research about increased likelyhood of autism in gender diverse people.
I finish by talking about my own journey exploring my gender identity.
Info about autigender:
lgbta.fandom.com/wiki/Autigender
podcast about Autism gender: podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast...
Research study about trans/autism link:
www.spectrumnews.org/news/lar...
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Fellow Autistic here. Thanks for this. I feel like I have “permission” to be as NB as I please. I have been struggling for a long time, thinking what right do I have, and how can I take up that space? Still don’t know, but I’ve always known I’m NB, just didn’t understand everyone didn’t feel that way. Thanks for helping me process this better after struggling for months (since my diagnosis which I felt gave me permission to think about it)
👏🏼
I’m autistic and ADHD, and honestly, I don’t know what my gender identity is, I know I’m not completely a girl (what I was assigned as at birth), people would tell me I was a girl as a child and every time I would think “what does that mean?”, I still do tbh. My dad who is also autistic was always very supportive of me and how I presented and how I rejected gender as a whole and was just my own person (my mother wasn’t as supportive). If I had to choose a label, I would choose Nonbinary Demigirl; I’m a girl in the same way the moon is a “female entity”, which is not at all, the moon is just a satellite that holds a lot of meaning to us humans and people like to see it as female, but in reality, it makes no difference to what it really is, that’s how I feel. I think that autistic people are a lot more likely to be trans and vice versa because gender is just a social construct, and we, as autistics, tend to not really get social constructs that much, it makes sense that we would identify as something different to what neurotypical society assigned us as
I gave up mostly trying again still sounds like garbage. Every gender is equally made up so just do whatever you want🔥
Society did not assign you a gender. The doctor just recorder if you are a male or female when you born. You are already part of the big group of gender in the population. You do not need to conform any social stereotype. stereotype is just a generalization of 67% of the gender population, the rest of people are male or female recorded by doctors, regardless of any social construct. So be in peace, even if you are autistic and have social challenges, you are 100% your gender, no need to fake, change or buy anything. Do not by the "transgender ideology ".
Autistic non-binary demigirls unite!
No you're completely a girl. Saying you're "not completely a girl" bc you don't like typically "girly" things IS SEXIST. Do you really not understand that?
As someone who's just a guy not really in the neuro- divergent community, I'd like to say that this comment greatly helped me understand and brought me some peace of mind I had while trying to figure out all of this. Thank you and I wish you the very best.
Im almost going to cry watching this, so many ppls comments and your story are EXACTLY how im feeling right now, and honestly i didnt know how the hell i was meant to "feel" like a girl. But i also didnt know how to "feel" like a boy, or an enby. But then the term agender (the only most related to just...not feeling like a gender) doesnt feel right...almost like i dont feel deserving of a proper label, because, unlike how easy landing upon the label "lesbian" was for my sexuality, gender doesnt feel....like it exists?
Like, on a surface level i can say that im a girl, but then i feel like im just saying the words. Like when you use a big word in an essay and you get points for it, even if you dont know what it means. Then you accidentally use that word again and someone goes "thats...not what that means" and you have to confront the fact that you were just parroting something you didnt understand up until that point.
I dont feel like a gender. I dont even feel like any form of label relating to gender identity. I just feel like...me. Like i my present as a girl, but its just superficial. Or at least, thats the best way i can put it into words (even if it stills feels....not 100% right).
Nonetheless, knowing im not alone in this experience has made me well up a little. Thank you ❤️
Your sex is biological. That's why you don't "feel" it. It's not a feeling. It's simply a part of who you are. I'm sorry the gender ideology has created so much confusion for this generation. It is not right that you guys have been put through this. Figuring out who you are and who you want to be, without someone putting forth the question of what gender you "feel" like.
You just described my exact experience, you're not alone.
When I was asked my pronouns I had no idea how to approach it. I found it all very stressful and my answer to ‘what is your gender’ was ‘no’.
Now I understand this a little better. Thank you.
I can totally relate to Gender expression. I love the color pink, paint my nails and wear rings all the time. I didn't find out that i was on the spectrum until age 45. Autism didn't exist when i was growing up. Thank you Ella,. Ryan.
A small correction. Please don't take this as me being rude. Autism did exist when you were growing up. It's just that it was called "mental retardation" back then. I could be wrong about the name though. Please correct me if I am.
Hi Ella I just watched your latest video on autism and gender identity. I really enjoyed it and I thought it was a lovely tone between information and personal discovery. I appreciate this so much because I'm often in spaces where I see people expected to already know and use very niche ways to talk about gender and gender identity and while that's sometimes understandable it can stop people being able to be curious or explore ideas. You used really clear definitions and boundaries on what feels respectful, but you also showed it as a journey of thinking and changing your mind - I thought that was cool role modelling. I also liked your structuring the vid to talk about how gender stereotypes are not gender identity (and gender expression - but for me the other two aspects are often mixed up in unhelpful ways).
Hi Ella, just would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your honest video. I am a 56 yr old trans female who had surgery in 2014 and who has only recently realised the real me and that I am also autistic which I am being diagnosed at present. Watching your video has opened my eyes to the real me.
Something funny; Im an autistic woman, I rejected gender stereotypes when I was young. I had my hair very short and "wore boys clothing" but I do find dresses a lot more comfortable, so now that I'm older I only wear dresses and trousers are my enemy.
I've learned I was pansexual in my 20s but your video just made me realize I'm might be also non-binary
Thank you Ella, I'm definitely subscribing to be part of the purple people club too ( even though I really don't like purple 😜)
You've changed my life with this video.
you are autistic and you can see the stereotypes society uses around gender are not real, and not you, so you think you do not fit, that's all
There are many trans guys (ftm) on youtube who were diagnosed autistic, but were misdiagnosed for years because clinicians were not picking up on other autistic traits (some might say the traits women and girls present). Or the doctors blame so much of the person's mental struggles on their transitions, medications/hormones, or other mental disorders. I bet there are a lot more people who are going undiagnosed
The subject of gender identity is intensely interesting to me. Now at 65 I have run a pretty full gamut of female-sex experiences, and it's been Very Tough. Never have I enjoyed being female, and often have wished I was male. The one female experience I value is as a mother, and I feel the closeness of my children as my flesh, blood, and bone.
I still identify as she/her, for simplicity, but honestly I'm just me. I self-identify as ADHD and autistic, and I guess I have a range of attributes that others might see as masculine or feminine according to their stereotypes. I'm still considering the whole topic...
You might be interested in the identity of NonBinary. Kinda just means you don't fully feel one way or the other. Or you feel like a mix of both in some ways. Genderfluid is another NonBinary identity that means you're feeling of gender kinda fluctuates at different times.
Since gender is a very arbitrary rubbery subjective personal kind of idea I'd say that everyone is technically NonBinary. Some people lean one way or another, but really everyone is a mix to some extent, that's just what being human is like. I think it's a very comfortable identity to have, it can be suited to any individual experience. So you can have she/her pronouns and look masculine or feminine and still be NonBinary.
I relate to what you said about never enjoying being the gender you were assigned. For me I never enjoyed being a man while I grew up. I didn't hate it, or have dysphoria, but I just never really enjoyed it. Being a "man" had no meaning to me, and I really hated the expectations that were placed on me to act "like a man." I'm an emotional and enthusiastic and passionate person. I also have plenty of traits considered "masculine." So really I enjoy being NonBinary or "whatever I want" as I call it lol. I can wear a dress or pants I can wear a blouse, wear makeup, I can wear leather jackets, I can talk like a guy, or talk like a girl, I can have long or short hair, a smooth face or a hairy one.
I generally prefer feminine expression and think of myself as a girl more than I think of myself as a guy so I am a Transgender woman. But I also can always feel like I'm NonBinary, because, well, I am. Lol. Gender is pretty much entirely a personal experience, and that's how it should be. So I think NonBinary is a wonderful thing.
Oh lol I just finished watching the video. Purple Ella pretty much explained the exact same thing hahaha
@@jewelyJewels thanks for the comment. Yes, I am beginning to feel that I lean towards non-binary. However I like the idea of gender-fluid too. I'm still investigating and have not come to any conclusion yet.
You can identify as trans and never transition and never want to transition and you can still be a mother too I think. It reminds me how Chandler's dad is still his dad even though they are a woman.
@@darnielladd6131 that's an interesting idea and one more thing to consider!
Welcome out❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Thank you 😊
I’ve felt the same way that you describe! I feel genderless, though I love dresses and makeup, I definitely can’t say “I feel like a woman” either haha
Neurodivergent and non binary seems to be a theme! 🌈🌈
You do not have to say "I feel like a woman". You already one. You do not have to conform the stereotype. An stereotype is a generalization of 67% of the population. The other percentage of woman that do not conform the stereotype are also women, regardless of what they do or they do not do. The black and white stereotype does not exists. The stereotype changes in history and culture and it is flexible. Some autistic woman do not realize this, but regardless of what they feel, you are a woman.
@@optimumclick I don’t know, though. You don’t know me or my inner experience. I just don’t experience my existence as a gendered one. If you mean I am a woman in the chromosomal sense, then we’ll yeah, I have XX chromosomes. But we are talking about gender here
You are definitely Non-binary/Agender
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. My daughter is autistic, and I know that autistics experience gender differently than I do as a NT. I have been researching trans experiences so I can be prepared if my daughter also experiences gender fluidly. Hearing how your journey went truly helped me understand the journey itself.
I’m really looking forward to checking out the resources you’ve provided on this topic! Thanks for all you do!
My agender experience was very much the same so it's gratifying hearing you express your experience.
You say that gender identity is not based on gender stereotypes but then you say that you can ‘feel’ female or male, or both, or more one than another. I don’t understand. Can someone pls explain how that works? I understand how the gender binary is limiting in its idea that we have to conform to a certain way of looking and acting to affirm our sex, but I don’t understand what allows us to ‘feel’ a certain gender if we are not reducing ourselves to stereotypes/expression.
It is just fuckin stereotypes. Do whatever you want
unfortunately, gender ideololy is based on sexist stereotypes. woman used to mean adult huamn female and men = adult human male.when you use the gender critical defintion, in order to be a woman, you only need to be biologically female. wearing a dress doesnt make you more or less female. but in gender ideology, the words woman and men get redefined. now they no longer decribe biological reality, but instead describe how much you conform to sterotypes :(
@@bonobobanani3893 I agree, and I don’t understand how the people who push the idea that you can ‘feel’ a certain gender are often the same ones who claim to be against traditional gender roles and stereotypes that harm women. Also if gender is a social construct (another view commonly held by these people) and not based on biology/physical characteristics, then how can someone be transgender? Transgenderism implies, by its very nature, that gender is something that is measurable and can be ‘crossed over’.
Well for me the gender I “feel” like isn’t really connected to stereotypes. I am genderfluid, but on “boy days” I will still be feminine if I want, or masculine on “girl days”. For me I just sometimes feel most comfortable being a boy, others a girl, or sometimes I just reject gender or just let myself be a combination. Idk if that’s any help, just some of my personal experiences/thoughts
@@Lily-iz9ll then what is a "boy day" to you? how do you define boy? if you are not an adult and you are biologically male, then everyday is a boy day for you, no matter how feminine you are.
I really wish I could give this more than one like! Love it, and thank you so much for sharing, Ella!!!
So much of this echos my own discovery of my enby identity. Thank you for your openness :)
Exciting! Congrats on your coming out. I must look back in your back catalogue to find videos about being a parent of child who transitioned, as you come from such as positive and supportive place.
As a parent I recommend you to educate your kids about transgender ideology, before social media and social contagion takes autistic kids in this cult. Brain in wrong body nonsense, can cure autism? depression will end? met down will end? social challenges will end? Transitioning will make double depression, once they figure out they did a mistake. Medical support that facilitate this procedures, should be accountable.
Thank you for this, and for all your videos. The comments are always so nice to read too. They show me how truly not alone I am. I've not been diagnosed with autism, but I've recently started doing a lot of research into it and think it's at least possible I am autistic. Every single video of yours that I've watched has been immensely relatable.
I'm on the asexual spectrum, and I had almost the exact same gender expression and identity journey as yourself. I wound up feeling that "agender" was the particular right fit for me. My partner has started using she/he/they pronouns for me, at my request, after I did my best to explain my relationship with gender. But I still haven't convinced myself to "come out" that way to my family, friends, and even my queer community. As if I feel that it's silly and self-centered of me to want that recognition when I don't mind "she" pronouns, so why bother people with it? I haven't yet given myself the permission you have, and I'm so happy for you that you reached that place. I'm going to try and adopt your mindset and stop hiding myself out of insecurity or for the convenience of others. Thank you again, and congratulations on being openly you!
thank you for sharing with us 💜 as a nonbinary autistic person, i resonate with so much of this video 😊 i am so happy for you for coming out!!
this is so wonderful to see!! Im an autistic nonbinary young adult and I found you through your video about giving birth while being autistic, since it's something I've been wondering about. I am a person with full facial hair and the ability to give birth. So doing so while being so GNC and autistic is bound to be a challenge, but I'm so happy to see more and more people like me coming into the light unashamed. Makes me feel much less alone. Thank you so much for talking about these things! ❤
Thank you for being such an inspiring person! This video meant a lot to me
This video is absolutely fantastic! I really really appreciate you Ella! 💜
I am a NonBinary Trans Woman and I am autistic. Love you 😊
Can you be a non binary cis woman? I use she/they pronouns.
@@sabinethegaydragongeek not necessarily. If you’re nonbinary, you’re not cis because you’re identifying as something other than your assigned gender at birth. Even if you’re a nonbinary woman, you’re still not cis!
@@gloomymanor861 Thank you so much for the clarification! I feel that I mostly identify with being a woman, but some major parts of my assigned gender I reject out right. I still want to dress in a feminine vintage style, but want to experiment with a e girl gothic style. I love high fashion and while I am attracted to feminine on myself and other women and enbies, there is apart of me that feels in the middle.
Also, while I don’t want to go into personal details, I did not look forward to and still do not look forward a “natural” aspect of womanhood and do not ever want to have children. I never can get use to that fact. My body and mind physically reject both these facts.
That is why I ask this question. I feel a struggle because I mostly feel a connection to womanhood, but feel that I am dishonoring a part of womanhood if I decide to add non binary to that label of my womanhood.
Literally makes no sense. Non-Binary and Trans-Woman are two totally different things 👌
@Kaitlyn Bonner Not really. Transgender is an umbrella term for everyone who doesn't identify with their gender/sex assigned at birth. Transgender can be separated further into binary Transgender and nonbinary Transgender. However, some nonbinary people don't use the label transgender because people usually assume that Transgender is only bound to binary genders which nonbinary people want to avoid.
For an easier understanding: the terms Transgender and nonbinary can be compared to the definition of "mammals" and "felines". All felines are mammals but not all mammals are felines.
Thanks for this video. I watched it at exactly the right moment and I feel like through your story I understand myself better too.
im autistic and transmasc!!! and i gotta say, i relate so much to subtly changing your pronouns and identity label instead of straight up changing everything at once! i first thought of myself as a demi-girl with she/her pronouns, then as nonbinary with they/them pronouns, and now as transmasc with he/they pronouns!
That's awesome, I almost added an this is subject to change at the end of the video - because I realise that as I grow I learn more about myself which brings up new revelations
@@PurpleElla everything is subject to change in a way, most people don’t have everything figured out and people change as time goes on!
Thank you for all the wonderful videos which are informative and help everyone to communicate and read each other better, across any gender, neuro typical and autism spectrum boundaries which naturally occur. I wanted to thank you anyway, but this is the best place for me, because I am autistic and transsexual. I suppose I still mask a lot every day and choose to live in the background. Being, or even just feeling different in one of these two areas, makes the other harder to cope with, which perhaps increases the intensity of the challenges we face in our lives. I have been lucky this last 6 months with my personal situation post COVID and lockdowns. I've faced shutdowns, redundancy, career change and even a house move, yet, I have somehow managed to navigate myself into a fantastic career and living situation. COVID created so much impromptu change and anxiety which made me feel totally out of control, but things have seemed to worked out for the better, despite all my stress, panic and over thinking. Perhaps when we are forced into change, it can often work out for the better, even if it's the worst situation to face at the time. Thanks Ella!! 🙂
Thank you, bi cis guy here to learn
The overlap between trans and autistic communities makes sense to me. Just speculative from me, but I think because autists generally do not “get” social cues and stereotypes as NTs do, they feel less desire to conform to gender stereotypes and more a desire to express and be who they are on their own terms. The norms of the gender binary that many NTs just accept as natural make no sense to my ND friends, and the ones who are trans and autistic say they’ve always understood the binary to be not real and them not belonging to it.
ikr! personally the first time i learned about what being nonbinary meant i just instantly knew that i wanted to be part of that!
I feel the same way! I feel like it's more common for autistic people to not take social norms for granted and instead think more critically about the roles expected of us, and the 'performances' we give. It's really neat to think that the autistic community has more non-conforming individuals than NT's and I think that makes us a more powerful and progressive forward-thinking community.
I think there many autistic people with many thoughts and feelings on this subject your kinda generalising autistic people to fit what you think autism is to you I’m aware of social cues and I don’t automatically want to rebel against them I’ve had no trouble with my gender identity and many people I Know with autism haven’t either I feel like this is becoming an autistic symptom when it’s a separate thing
I saw a study that said Autistic people tend to have more hormones of the opposite sex than average. So it may be more than just us being non-conforming.
@@Catlily5 interesting I wonder why it hasn’t effected me then
One day I might figure out what's going on with his (me). Glad you finally found your way through everything. Go forth and live your bestest life!
I have been watching you for a while a remember asking you to talk about gender stuff way way back! I am glad your daughter has you as a parent and that you have become more educated about it and know yourself better 💚
Thank you for your videos. VERY relatable. I am learning in middle age that Austism type 1 is the best explanation for my strengths and challenges, and it's been a wonderful discovery because so MUCH makes sense now. You're one of the voices that have helped to educate and encourage me in this process. I accepted "Queer" decades ago re: to a fluid attraction (which includes significant Asexual phases), but I never really understood gender identity and have always felt very much as you describe in this video and have been expressing a He/They pronoun preference. I used to call myself "Androgynous," but "Nonbinary" is proving to be more apt. Because in the past year I have come to see things through the lens of "Autistic" and "Neurodivergent/Neuroqueer," the ND/NT or Spectrum differences between me and people who feel gender identity fiercely are now a lot more understandable.
I too was often baffled about people's symbiotic relationship to gender (cis women wearing dresses out of their own personal choice, for example), simply because I never felt truly connected to mine :) I thought, 'Hey, why is everyone just conforming to this gender lark when they don't need to?!' It's only when I began a gender studies class at university that I realised it's down (at least partially) to personal choice and autonomy, not people just following gender rules because they felt that's the right thing to do xD
Edited to add: for context, I'm an autistic woman with ADHD, and I'm often thinking a lot about gender and whether I may be non-binary. I still feel a big draw to femininity, but it definitely comes in waves which I find super interesting. At the moment I'm in my "girl" gender, but sometimes I literally wake up, go about my day and think "Huh. I feel completely genderless today."
Have you heard of girlflux? It’s a gender where the amount of connection you feel to femininity fluctuates. You can think of it on a percentage scale: one day you might feel like you’re 50% woman, the next you might feel only 20% woman, the next could be 100% and the one after that could be 0%, for example.
@@marcypan8219 I wasn’t aware of that label!! I was aware of genderflux but never really felt like I “switched genders” if that makes sense… just my attachment to femininity, as you say! Thank you for telling me about it :)
@@autism_and_niamh Happy to help!
Thank you 🙏
And also Congratulations!
🌈✨🥳
I always knew I wasn't my assigned gender but I didn't really feel like the other gender either. Things got a lot more easy to understand when I found words to explain how I felt. I have also recently got an autism diagnosis. I'm not sure if being autistic is entwined with my gender identity or not. I know it definitely can be for some people. There is also a term, autigender, to help explain that. I haven't looked too much into it as I'm still working through some other stuff but it is something that interests me. I hope you have a lovely weekend. I'm glad your daughter has such a lovely and supportive parent.
I'm 19 year old Genderfluid AMAB person diagnosed with ADHD and Autism.
When I discovered that I'm Genderfluid, I was shocked, surprised and liberated.
I identify as Genderfluid Non-Binary Pony
Also, I realised that I'm Panaesthetic Aromantic Asexual (Pan AroAce), I like both boys and girls aesthetically, but I don't feel strong romantic nor sexual attraction to them.
Congratulations. I love you Ella. ❤
I'm in my 50s, so I've had lots of time to think about this. I certainly do believe that gender dysphoria is fueled by stereotypes. I'm not strong, powerful and brave, but neither am I patient, compassionate, and kind. I mean, I am a little bit of all of those. I dress in trousers in public, but at home I wear whatever's comfortable. For me that is sometimes dresses and skirts. I have tried otherwise but it never works well.
But people are people and stereotypes exist. In public I conduct myself as people would expect me to. I've been autistic my whole life, but only just in the last year have I realized it.
Thank you for sharing. Did I say I love you. 😊❤
I'd like to add that when a questionnaire asks me for my gender, I usually say "other", "not applicable" or "why the frig does that even matter". Call me he/him cause it's simple and that's they way it appears, but gender is not important.
I am autistic, non-binary, pansexual and mostly androgynous presenting. The people attracted to me ( and that I am attracted to) tend to also be queer and on the spectrum. For me, gender is not something that factors into my selection of a partner. The more quirky, smart and creative they are does big time!
this is incredibly eye opening. i have said many times i feel like i dont have any gender at all. that i wish i could just not have to apply the concept to myself entirely. i say i'm they/them nonbinary, but even that feels like assigning myself a gender. i dont want any label at all!! i'm just me and i dont even know what that is but its the best answer i got for you!! making my boyfriend watch this
Hi Ella, I am a 21 year old woman who was diagnosed with high functioning mild autism & with ADHD ever since when I was three years old. And one point in my life for when I was in high school I would used to have my hair shaved off very short just because I found myself of having long hair was very hard for me to maintain sometimes. And then just a couple of years later I ended wanted to grow my hair back very long again how it used to look ever since when I was little in elementary school just because people who would sometimes used to laugh & made fun of me the fact thinking that I looked like a boy, just because I was not wearing a headband at that time, And so I just realized is that I am a bisexual person, just because I have been attracted to the same & other gender just beside dressing up myself as a tomboy 👕👖 & as a girly girl 👚👘👗 And so that is exactly why I absolutely do expect myself for what I do in my happy personal life indeed my friend.
As a male autistic person I don’t think it’s that deep I’ve never had a trouble with my gender identity and I think it’s weird to assume that this is a symptom of autism I think it’s a separate issue maybe someone with autism might feel more comfortable being themselves and this could be the link I do find this less common in boy although i also don’t think there’s much of a difference between male and women with autism maybe women with autism are more likely to face these issues who really knows
I don't think they meant that a different gender identity than is assigned at birth is a symptom of autism; more that it is more likely for an autistic person to experience gender and their personal gender identity differently than a neurotypical person.
edit: i am a nonbinary autistic person :)
What Cat said. BUT, well, patriarchy has an impact on how we conceive of gender, too, so yes, experiences probably are different, based on the gender you were assigned at birth.
@@lionheart1232, I don’t think anyone was trying to say that not identifying with your assigned gender is part of, or a symptom of, autism. It’s more that autistic people experience gender differently, however we identify. As far as I know there has yet to be a study to confirm what seems to be the case, anecdotally ie that autistic folks are over represented in the transgender and non-binary communities. And there’s only really speculation over why that might be the case. The two prominent theories seem to be that autistics are more likely to be trans or non-binary because of the way we experience gender OR if we happen to also be trans or non-binary, we are more likely to be open with ourselves and others about it because of our autistic way of analysing and sharing information. I’m not sure either is quite right but I think it’s an observation worth investigation.
You are just cis (unlike me)
This is so awesome!
My spouse, who is also neurodivergent, is a transgender woman, and I’m in the asexual spectrum and currently considering I might be non-binary.
Congratulations, and thanks for sharing your experience with us. ☺️🌈
Also: links to that podcast? I didn't see it in the description
*nods along* Yup! Firstly, I’m so happy that you are feeling comfortable with your identity. Congratulations!
My story is very very similar to yours (not just around gender, actually - I’m autistic, have HSD/hEDS, and have trans folk in my family too…oh, and I adore dungarees, which is mostly a sensory thing for me). I think we are probably similar in age too, which makes a difference to how accessible the conversation about gender identity was for us as younger people, in the 90s. Were you also the only ‘girl’ wearing trousers at primary school?
Understanding that I’m autistic is a relatively recent thing and I quickly stumbled across the idea of autigender and suddenly a lot of stuff made sense. I just don’t really get gender and I don’t really relate to anyone else based on gender. I’m just ‘me’ gender, I guess, and everyone else is just another human!
I relate most to non-binary experiences but tend to identify as gender fluid, which feels more accurate for me. A trans friend of mine said he thinks of my gender as ‘a bit squiggly’, which I kinda like too! Having been bullied a lot as a child for being gender non-confirming, for a long time I felt the need to defend my femaleness and I think that also prevented me from really considering what that really meant to me - the answer being, not very much, other than politically. I feel like my gender non-conformity was more accepted after I came out as gay, too, because the only visible gay women at that time tended to be more masculine presenting. So it was like, oh, of course Nancy looks like a boy, she’s a LESBIAN! Yay for conflating gender and sexuality (sarcastic).
As for pronouns, I don’t really enjoy any of them! So, for now at least, I’ll happily answer to any. It’s interesting to let people decide for themselves, based on how I occur to them! That’s less great when it comes to public toilets, though. I’ve literally been ejected from female toilets by a male bouncer before now.
You mentioned but didn’t say much about the impact of puberty. I feel like my desperation to fit in meant that I tried to capitalise on the social currency of eg having boobs and that really clouded the development of my relationship to my body. Honestly, I’m fairly ambivalent about my boobs most of the time but occasionally do feel the need to wear a binder. That said, I’m very very grateful that I am tall and have quite a masculine frame and a fairly low speaking and singing voice (which sounds lower inside my skull) - I think were that not the case, I’d have a hard time.
How do you feel about gendered compliments or adjectives? What about being called ‘mum’ or ‘wife’? I think you referred to becoming ‘a mum’ but that’s subtly different. Personally, I really don’t enjoy traditionally feminine compliments but I don’t mind being ‘wife’, ‘sister’, or ‘daughter’.
I feel similar, and found this video from a suggestion based on other gender related videos I was watching. I'm okay with my name, I get top dysphoria as well as some other really particular things, but I thought everyone was just performing gender, which I guess is true, but whenever I walk into a women's washroom, it's like I have to put on an imaginary pink robe to go in there, and I have to convince myself it's the right one. That really made me think something is different.
I'm still figuring things out, as when I was 3 or 4, I didn't think I should have been a girl, and then I buried those feelings and focused on what I liked, which was a mix of both kinds of things. My dad made me wooden trucks, and I'd parade stuffed animals around in them, I hated dolls, so I learned to sew by making clothes for said stuffed animals, and I loved playing in the mud, and playing hockey with the boys in elementary school when I was 6-9 years old. But then something hit me about gender. When I was 10 was when we had to use gendered washrooms (my early classes were in a room with an attached bathroom, so we all used that one), and people started to make fun of others based on clothes and expression even though we had uniform shirts (which thankfully were unisex). I remember one time in middle school being very offended that the choir teacher said I couldn't sing with the boys (I have a tenor/contra range and always have sang lower than other kids).
I had always masked my ADHD and autism traits, so well my parents didn't even believe it after talking to the psychologist my dad paid to test me for ADHD at age 19. So I haven't said anything gender related to my family, not since I was 4 or 5, and it's been a confusing 20 years since, from being bullied in high school and forced to conform, to dating, to learning to sew costumes and now my own genderless clothes, and thinking about marriage with my current partner. All things that gender can affect, but I guess I couldn't hide it very well. Now I'm trying to find what I like best, getting rid of a lot of old clothes that remind me of the bullies, and trying to find what I'm comfortable with, both physically and socially.
I have a hypothesis for why there's a strong correlation between Gender Divergent people and Autistic people. As an amab non-binary autistic adult, I started questioning my gender at a time when most of my friends were female. One thing that many autistic people experience from what I understand is that we tend to reflect the people around us. I think it makes sense that I wanted to present more femininely when most of my friends did the same.
Also, a couple non-sequiturs:
- I've never heard the phrase Gender Divergent before, but I think I just thought of it now b/c I was also thinking of "Neurodivergent" and transgender. "Gender Divergent" might be less confusing than "Transgender" as an umbrella term, since I've often found that people are surprised when I use "transgender" to refer to non-binary gender identities.
- I once started writing a song about reflecting the people around me long before I even knew I was autistic. Though the song was more about worrying that I was picking up on unhealthy habits: "I bend to the waves that surround me. I'm afraid that one day they will drown me." I never ended up finishing the song though :~/
For me, my gender is just a public display. When I get home I’m just…me. The problem is there is so much pressure to ‘perform’ and accommodate to other people’s perception of what gender should be that I am drawn to wanting to be put in a box when I just don’t fit. When it’s just me my gender genuinely doesn’t cross my mind.
Thank you, so very helpful
i don't think no one really "feels like a certain gender" because gender isn't a feeling. people may feel more masculine or feminine at times but that doesn't inherently mean anything about their gender identity. contrapoints has also talked about this on her j.k rowling video. i'm an autistic woman and i don't "feel" like a woman but i am okay with being perceived as such socially and i'm okay with my secondary sex characterics eg. my curvy body. if i had gender dysphoria, then i would consider the fact that i may be transgender or nonbinary.
Interesting. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I actually do experience discomfort around my body which has lessened since coming out but I’m not clear on my thoughts around that yet enough to talk about it. But in future perhaps.
I’ll check out the video you recommended.
I am a woman with level 1 ASD.
My speculation is this: gender has been influenced by traditional stereotypes of societal roles and expectations of behaviors of those roles based on the social influences of their time. First is was men must be strong because they need to travel outside of the village into the wild to hunt for food while the women stay in the village raising children and providing other responsibilities like cooking. As society changed- these roles stopped being specific to gender and had become situational. Single mothers were forced to take on both roles and as women have acquired equal rights, we have taken on more responsibilities without necessarily giving away some of the other responsibilities.
As a child, I related more to boys and boy activities - thus I am a tom boy. This doesn't change my sexuality, sexual organs or even my clothes. I am a woman and I accept who I am in my entirety. I don't tell people to identify me as anything specific but rather I ask people don't identify me at all. I am Megan. If you are not having sex with me, then none of the rest is any of your business.
thank you so much for this
2:25 Thank you! Great to have this point aired.
This definitely was similar to my experience! I consider myself agender and use they/them pronouns.
Fantastic and thank you!
I questioned whether or not I was nonbinary back in 2012, 2013. I never had a strong connection to my gender as a female. But I later concluded that because I didnt have any physical dysphoria, I would continue to identify as female.
Wow, you really speak from my heart there. For me it's agender and I didn't change my pronouns, but I feel this so much, especially the part about finding our that other people do identify with their gender a lot more than I do with mine (or any gender, actually). Also the part about the social construct that just doesn't feel right... I really have had problems "getting" what the whole point of gender (and gendering newborns and children!) was, until I learned that other people actually do *feel* like and identify as "a woman" or "a man" or "a nonbinary", or whatever. So lot's of love to you, and thank you for putting my thoughts and experiences into words with this!
It's interesting to hear different people's experiences of their own internal sense of gender identity.
Also, Agender is based (speaking as a Genderfluid person)
@@SunIsLost based? based on what? (sorry, English is not my first language)
You do you. Whatever makes you most comfortable is what’s important.
Are natural attributes a property of sex (at least in some cases)? Or are they in other cases related to culture and gender?
I really don't feel like my gender suits me, yet at the same time I don't always feel the opposite either. I kinda just float right in the middle.
My son and I are level 1 ASD. Although everyone on the spectrum is very different, I wanted to give my opinion to maybe help people like me. As a university grad, I’ve studied ASD for 30+ years in great detail and still continue to learn. I have found it’s very common to be androgynous, and many are often disinterested in relationships. Communication differences complicate this further. In recent years there has been an influx of identity labels. I wanted other parents and individuals to know that you do not have to fit in any category and claim a label to be an amazing, valued, and loved person. Being yourself without any explanation is more than enough, it’s iconic and brave.
Love this video and I relate to it very much. I am self diagnosed autistic because at this time I can't afford the adult assessment, but I am hoping to save up money and get diagnosed properly. I am already on disability for two mental health diagnoses so needless to say, I'm broke most of the time. I came out as non binary a couple years ago and I remember feeling the same way when I learned what NB was as I did when I deeply researched autism- suddenly things made sense and I didn't feel like a freak anymore. I can see how there's a connection between the two. I can't go by they/them pronouns with my family because they think its ridiculous, but I just wanted to say I'm really proud of you for coming out, it's never easy. I am also pansexual and it was very difficult having to come out a second time and get a second rejection from my family, but I still love them and know it's just because my entire family on both sides has never been educated about either diverse sexuality or neurodiversity...But it is frustrating at times.
I'm so happy for you, friend!! Coming out as NonBinary is such a wonderful feeling and experience! I hope you have a really great celebration with your family and friends!
When I came out I had a bonfire and ate purple cupcakes with my brothers. And I got a bit drunk lol. I so agree it's such a weight off the shoulders, a weight I hadn't really ever noticed much before. Despite all of the hate I've gotten from my parents and former friends I am so glad I came out. Life and my body and behavior feels so much more comfortable now that I get to be proud of my rejection of social gender expectations. It's also been really great for decorating my room with pretty flags! hehehehehe.
Since I realized I don't care about gender roles I've also been able to discover that I don't care about gender when it comes to attraction either. So I was able to realize that I'm also actually Bisexual!!
Anyway I just want to say that I'm so happy for you. And I'm so proud that you have the courage to make a CZcams video about this and tell all of your loved ones. I'm sure you're going to inspire so many people 💖💜🖤🤍💛💖
I’m really happy that you now feel comfortable with who you are, that’s great! I wanted to ask a question if that’s ok, as someone who is struggling to get to grips with the concept of non-binary. You say that part of being non-binary is not caring about gender roles. Surely gender and gender roles are different? I’m a female who doesn’t conform to a lot of female stereotypes but I still consider myself female because I was brought up with the idea that gender was another word for sex rather than an identity based on the complexity of your mind and levels of femininity/masculinity, and that always made sense to me. It can be limiting when stereotypes are attached to your sex but surely part of feminism means breaking down those stereoptypes so we can live how we please? I know gender and sex have been separated now. I just want to understand what it then means to be male or female and how we can gender the mind. We are all so complex. I’m sorry if this comes across insenstive, I don’t mean to be! Just trying to learn.
Hi Ella! Wow, thank you for making this video! I’ve been struggling myself (I’m autistic+ADHD too) to understand what non-binary means and like you I just couldn’t understand why people needed that label because gender is a social construct anyway so what’s the point?! But I’m starting to realise that maybe my confusion and rejection of this label is because I’ve never had much attachment to my gender and kind of assumed everyone felt like this. I’m wondering if I am non-binary too but I’m honestly still confused about it. The fact that you seemed to have gone through the same thoughts and feelings over it leaves me thinking I might be non-binary! I think it’s kind of a scary realisation to have because I feel like there’s still a lot of judgment and discrimination over it, with many people thinking it’s just a phase. Thanks for giving me something to think about 💜💜
I’m a 30 something year old autistic woman and I have never felt any sort of connection to gender.. I also have always felt genderless and I also had assumed everyone else did too… I grew up rejecting gender roles and looking up to artists who did the same just as you did. I never became a mom bc I never wanted to so never went thru a period of performing gender identity but everything else is nearly identical. I don’t (yet??) identify as non binary… for me it just simply doesn’t matter. I’m open to any pronouns bc it simply doesn’t matter, my gender is one of the least important things about my personality.. is it a part of your personality?? I don’t even know. It’s just not the thing I care to put energy into. I want people to know me as a fiddler, a dancer, an artist regardless of what gender they perceive me as. I have no real connection to gender of any sort
This last year I’ve found out I am both autistic and non-binary so this was a very nice video to watch. 💜
This video was informative and helps me to understand better.
Also transgender, autistic, and adhder: it means so much to see my experience reflected back when it's so hard to come by, thank you for this and all your content
You should work on your autism issues and not find fake problems to solve.
Trans will not solve your internal problems. They never leave, this is autism. Signed, another man with autism.
I'm biologically female and always had imposter syndrome around my gender, I never actually understood or recognized this, just had a general bad feeling about myself as just being weird me. Not long ago I gave it a lot of thought and became aware of what was happening. I realized I'm non-binary and though coming out felt silly, I did anyways. I'm happy in my body and don't mind the pronouns, but have never really felt like either gender.
Sorry to hear about your imposter syndrome. You must have thought you were supposed to feel like a gender, but even women that don't question their sex don't feel gender. There was a feeling you thought you should have that doesn't exist.
I have ADHD and am autistic. I also changed my pronouns to they/them recently too, just changed it in my email signature at work. I hadn't felt the need to openly talk about it in conversation with others, at work or home life, beyond my husband that is. But I might start now, seems like I might be ready. Thanks for your video 🙂
Oh wow. I didn't really think that there was a connection between autism and gender discomfort (I'm going to use that as an umbrella term, for everything from dysphoria, to the disconnect with gender stereotypes). I have autism (diagnosed at 34) and as a child really rejected gender stereotypes even as a toddler (dresses, no thanks. Toe pinching shoes, nope. Leotards/tights, oh hell no). At about 8 or 9, I asked my family to call me by my gender neutral middle name because I didn't want to be a girl, but also didn't want to be a boy. They did, thankfully (I guess maybe I was really insistent). At the time of course, I had no idea there was such a thing as non-binary. I considered myself a tomboy. Most people accepted me as a tomboy (had I been a boy expressing female stereotypes, I would have faced a far different reaction at that time, I'm sure).
As an adult, I'm okay with my first name, and I'm okay with having female body parts (I'm only slightly dysphoric about having breasts, but I think I would feel more dysphoric about having scars there). I don't wear makeup or jewellery (mainly because of the way it feels on the skin). I've taken to wearing dresses after some traumatic surgery on my abdomen which makes trousers really uncomfortable, but these are not overly feminine dresses. I'm okay with female pronouns. But I'm still not comfortable with gender stereotypes and how people may view me (or make assumptions about my sexual identity based on my hair cut or clothing). I don't know if I will ever call myself non-binary, though I'm leaning towards agender as I don't feel I fit on a binary spectrum (and maybe I just still don't fully understand the nuance about the labels).
I don't think I ever thought that other people had the same experience of gender stereotypes (because why would they even exist), but I think it's interesting that you thought about it that way. It was always very 'othering' for me. I definitely was highly aware that I was different. I do agree that not masking to stereotypes is so freeing. I would love to know if there is research in to the connection between autism and gender expression. Anyway, thanks for an eye-opening video.
I know I know,I have developmental disorder and I was acting like a boy as a child.
I really didn't understand why my parents hate the way I behave.
The funny thing is that I now totally feel like I'm a woman.😆
Anyways, thank you so much for sharing and I was able to learn a lot!!😊
Keep up the good work!!:)
I am an asexual nonbinary person who was assigned female at birth who is also ADHD and currently being evaluated for autism. I didn’t realize how many other people were also neurodivergent and gender nonconforming in some way!
Just curious, what do you prefer your children call you now? Do they call you mom or something more gender neutral? And what about other children? What’s the alternative if not Mr, Ms, or Mrs?
Respect!!
"I had never thought about gender identity before" X to doubt
Thank you.
Amazing I’m glad they explained it in a way that a lot of us could understand
I also have a brave and amazing transgender autistic son. Looking forward to a world that is accepting and embracing of all individuals regardless of their gender identity.
Im a bi gender / gender fluid autie
Really validating to see videos like this ♥
Yea
Thanks for posting this. I identify as a transgender woman and after 20 years I don't think of the transgender part of my life and just identify as female. I recently learned I most likely have autism and from my vantage point on the spectrum, I would say that with growing up I knew what I felt inside did not match, but I also did not fit in anywhere else in society. I always felt like an observer learning from watching people of what was expected of humans and played the role of a male for 30 years. Masking as it is known now, was for me easy as I had to in order to survive. I still stood out and was bullied in school and it was difficult. As I got older I worked towards transition which helped immensely with me being comfortable with my body. I am finally at a place where I am starting to drop the masks I learned to fit in even as female and have been embracing my real self. I stick out, I am proud of it and learning about how I fit into the spectrum of autism and gender is empowering. I embrace my weird, block the overstimulation of people, light and sounds where I can, and present as a very confidant empowering woman, and have been helping others where I can find their inner strengths. Keep making these videos as I find them relatable. ☮
Thanks n gratitude! So helpful and very similar to my life experiences
I’m a nonbinary/genderfluid autistic teen and I nearly cried watching this. It’s amazing that there are other people like me, especially adults I can look up to
Yea
Hi Ella! I'm 34 autistic AFAB. I've gone by she/her pronouns for the longest time and just kind of accepted "girl/woman" status because that's what people have always (and probably will always) refer to me as. But I've also never felt very girl/woman. Or boy/man. Any I don't think non-binary fits me either. I don't experience gender dysphoria (although some things about having an outwardly female body are mighty inconvenient); but I do have a huge aversion to stereotypes/expectations/assumptions other people make based on what they perceive me to be. I've always dressed practically/comfortably (suspect this is more autistic expression rather than gender), but on the occasions I do "female" (dress for a wedding or whatever) I feel acutely aware of how impostery I feel (because it *is* an act). I'm still trying to work out where I stand, but I feel largely ambivalent about my own gender.
i think this is the experience for the majority of women - certainly is the case for me. i just live my life and do what i like, its hard to resist stereotypes and socialisation, but its nice to just wear what i like, act how i do and ignore gender roles completely
I just found out I've been masking just about my whole life including my gender. I indentify as He/They
I had a similar experience! When I was a child, I felt like gender stereotype was silly, and people were just brainwashed by their parent and peers, so I rejected the concept of stereotypes and genders completely.
However, when I was about 5th or 6th grade, one of my teachers showed me and my class a video of binary transgender people, and I started to know that people actually "feel" their gender and stuff, thus later figured out that I'm just genderless.
I identify as an autistic 58 year agender/neutrois adult which means I do not identify either as male of female.
I have aspergers and identify as a tomboyish girl. Great video. Thanks. :)
That’s what a lot of these people who are affiliated with the LGBTQ clan should be. Tomboys or the same thing for males. There is this modern belief that you must transition and modify your natural body to artificially make it fit with the opposite sex. It is bizarre and immodest.
I saw a tik tok(I think) a while ago that said that they thought a lot of neurodivergent people are trans/non binary/etc. Because the societal rules of gender are made up so many may think what’s the point of following strict binary gender norms that are made up when it’s not comfortable for them. I feel the same as you- feeling genderless, I don’t feel super connected to my bio sex or gender I was raised as. I have identified as non-binary/gender fluid/ agender for almost 6 years now and say my pronouns are all or none- I don’t care as long as I’m being referred to respectfully I don’t really care cause I know who I am and what I’m not etc… anyway love the vid you are awesome!
I love that you have a time turner necklace- ive been obsessed with harry potter since i was seven, and jk rowling is awful, but i am seperating the artist and the art in this particularl situation
My Identity is Agender or Genderless
My Expression is Genderfluid
And I'm Autistic
This is very similar to my experience
Eyy I keep harping on about the difference between gender roles, gender expression and gender identity too! Great minds think alike :)
Also welcome to the enby club :)
Not that you needed to be welcomed in, you belong already, but still, you know?
And no I don't know why neurodivergent people are so much more likely to be any shade of LGBT+ than neurotypical people. Not a clue. It's just a thing, for some reason.
I'm neurodivergent and I don't recognize gender as a feeling that it is possible to have because it's meaningless.
@@MilwaukeeWoman Gender identity is kind of like an intrinsic knowledge of which societal group you belong to (or both or neither), not really a feeling. I have that knowledge/feeling, so there you go, I'm living proof that it's not impossible.
But tons of people don't have that knowledge or feeling. Those people are called cis-genderless.
Mr Purple sounds like a wonderful person!
A year late but thank you for this!
Side note, I recently realized I'm autistic and that realization really hit me like when I realized I was trans. Did you find a similar reaction mentally to it?
Way to go friend, I relate very much with your experiences, apart from having a child😅
Since I was little I never really understood what "girl" was and when I got to 3rd grade, what I did understand about "girl" I only partly connected with, but I didn't have a word for, "a girl, but also not," other than tomboy which wasn't quite right. I put it away, but still described myself internally as, "a girl but not."
Flash forward a few years, I've known about non-binary for a while and it had a HUGE draw for me, but I also still liked the bit of me that connected with girl, so I looked up, "can you be a girl and non-binary at the same time," and I discovered the term bigender, with fit. So I would describe myself as a girl/neutrois bigender person. And eventually I was introduced to the term, "demigirl," which falls under bigender for some people. The definition of demigirl is almost exactly, "a girl, but also not."
So, that was about a year ago and I still love that I found my word.
I don't know if you're familiar with the term "agender", but this is how I now identify, as a lack of any connection with gender whatsoever. For all my life, I sort of had impostor syndrome and told myself "I can't be non-cis, that's not me, I'm a woman. I wear dresses and this and that..." but if I'm honest with myself, I never felt any connection to that, and I don't feel comfortable when people make assumptions about me based on gender. The internal biais that exists and is unavoidable when one hears a label makes me extremely uncomfortable, and has led me tp reject any classification whatsoever. I don't even like to use the pronouns "they/them" that much because then I know people will be operating under the assumption that I classify myself non-binary, or that I actively try not to be feminine in any way, and other fun stereotypes... But then it changes the way they see me and what I am in their eyes. It impacts their behavior and the way they treat me. I would much rather just be considered a person, regardless of what I identify (or don't) as and not feel the effects of this at all.
Hello fellow Non-Binary Autistic person! Same for me, although I came out as being GenderQueer many years before I found out I am Autistic. One thing I've wondered about the whole greater numbers of Trans Autistic people is one of rules. I've never followed a lot of the rules of society and generally not cared what people thought of me, I do wonder if that feeds into our being open about our gender?
I'm autistic, queer she/they and have EDS, I do think there is a connection!!!
Thanks for the video! I definitely feel like I have some kind of neurogender. I guess I get the most gender euphoria from using the pronouns it/its because it expresses how I don't really feel like a person or a human being and everything I do to try to fit that mold of what a person ought to be is just masking. I don't use those pronouns publicly though because it's too hard to explain why I identify with them.
Hi Ella, I'm a 42 year old, autistic (& unconfirmed adhd), afab non binary parent of an incredible trans son who has unknowingly helped me discover & understand my gender identity. I haven't told anyone I'm non binary because most of the people in my life (including my partner and mother) would be very invalidating about it and I don't have the spoons to argue with them, so I'm currently trying to be content with having finally figured myself out, just for me. The fact that I'm not the only one feels very encouraging, so thank you so much for talking about it and making me feel less alone. Also being able to voice it here feels wonderful, so double thanks😊
I resonate so much with this. Thank you for talking about it. I'm definitely non binary. I just thought I was a weirdo & different. My husband doesn't life the fact I feel that way, I have told him since I met him "I think like a man & I'm not like any other woman we know." As long as I'm comfortable with that that's all that matters.
Oh this was really helpful. I'm autistic and recently realized I felt the most comfortable as Xenogender which is under the non binary umbrella. While I don't use pronouns very much in my day to day life, Ze/ Zim makes me the happiest. I'm going to ask my family to start using Mx because Mrs. or Mr. really make me uncomfortable. My mother said she wanted to supportive but just didn't understand why non binary needed to be a thing. This gave me some insight into some reasons she might be having trouble with the idea
Just out of curiosity, how do you pronounce 'Mx'?
@@maijuk802 I pronounce it like "mix"