I'm hoping the best for you, hoping you find yourself and what your heart desires ❤️💙 It's hard ngl, but that's what we all deserve as sweet human beings
My mother was a narcissist also. I was the autistic scapegoat (although she concealed the autistic diagnosis from me and children's courts ); I found out at 51. It also set me up in life to attract narcissists.
Same, shortly after my 50th birthday (53 now) everything BLEW up because I wouldn't just collapse in to her narrative that she is without fault and I'm mad, bad, sad, crazy. I have to give up. My x is a narc as well and she said to me ''how did you ever end up with him?''. HOW INDEED.
@@N1S4444 An autistic woman, can't defend or stand up for herself. Extra vulnerable, extra easy to exploit. Will not question abuse. Won't see a way out of it. Won't see it's manipulation, due to autism taking abuse as we are deeply sensitive and can't reject abuse. We can be easily conditioned by abuse. We can't leave as the trauma bonding is a chemical reaction, in an autistic brain the intensity is substantially different and you can have almost no chance of getting away. Narcissistic people, need prison without a hearing. As autism is the evidence. No chance of survival from narcissism. Autism, means slower processing and needing space when narcissistic people are constantly abusing you, all you can manage is nothing. Legal people, do something for autistic people!!!!!!! Lives are being lost. We aren't important.
@@N1S4444 Awful! There was inequality in my house. My siblings would never be punished for breaking my things. At 2 years old, I can remember being pushed out to the back garden of the house, because she couldn't be bothered to look after me. My late stepdad saved me from her violent clutches on more occasions that I can remember. I was led to believe that I had severe mental health issues (although psychiatrists would say there was nothing wrong with me); I would be gaslit by my mother. She was also extremely violent; as were my siblings. My siblings would call me "m*ng*l" and "Joe Deacon" and "vegetable". They would even involve other kids at school in the bullying. The abuse by my family has gone right up into my late forties and so much so, that I have to sever ties with them. My mother as a nurse knew what the problem was (yorkhill hospital in Glasgow knew) but didn't want to admit that something she thought was imperfect could ever come from her. She told me at 7 that she wished she had aborted me. I had severe difficulties in School; so much so, that I was put in a school for emotionally damaged kids at 13. If there was a shortage of food in the house (which there was regularly) I would not be fed, and thankfully had relatives to feed me. It was some of the quality of care at the residential school that showed me something was seriously missing at home. My brother has a criminal conviction for a string of assaults against me. My other brother would do things like steal off me and borrow money and never repay.
@@undertheradar001 I can relate - this is exactly what happened to my sister 👧- she was born in 1985 - she’s recently passed but she I think had Autism - my mom definitely has autism- my niece has Autism- literally almost every female on my moms side - plus potentially myself - some on my dads side - I had issues in school- my father after reading your comments sounds exactly the same as your mother. My father was born 1954- complete monster- I am so sorry you experienced such hardship and abuse. Thank you for sharing- 🦋🙏🦋 I feel less alien 👽 and less alone 💜 it really changes us after our basic human needs aren’t met with love and compassion.
I won the narcissism lottery. Both parents are high in narcissism & IMO any qualified professional would diagnose them both with NPD given the facts and circumstances I lived through. I experienced the full spectrum from grandiose to covert. The most confusing mind-f***ery I've ever had to deal with in my life. My covert mother's abuse took the longest to recognize.
I relate to this so much. I won the narcissism lottery too. Both parents. It's basically hell. I'm physically away from them but now learning to heal mentally and emotionally.
@@Reevay762 I'm so sorry to hear that It's not something I'd wish anyone to go through even my worst enemy! I hope you find and cherish your true self under all their years of projections!
That's exactly my sentiment about being an adult that had narcissistic abuse in childhood! We have to parent ourselves in adulthood, giving love and care to ourselves ❤ It's easier said than done but we deserve it!
Wow it amazes me how this isnt being taught in schools its horrific to go through this kind of abuse then to be cast aside like an old used tin empty and lost inside
I journaled throughout my childhood and especially in my adolescence. I had these journals saved at the bottom of a trunk I had stored in my parents' attic, believing no one would be interested in them. I have no idea what became of them, but they and the trunk disappeared. I know that my journals are what helped me survive my family.
I was given a diary by a friend on my eighth birthday. I only filled in one day and it said "I can never do anything right". There was literally nothing else to be said. I left the diary at home when I left. When I was an older adult, in my 40's, my mother had broken into it and let me know that she was mad about what I had written.
My treasured parents took my journals, years of my life documented, and they put them in their safe deposit box at their bank. That was over 30 years ago. I haven't quite gotten over their manner of control. Talk about gaslighting. They were scared.
@@aunthat6685 I have journals from when I was 8 filled with stuff my mother did ... I turned 22 and I hate how she is still in my life ugh 😭 is this a curse
@@aena5995 My mother continued to do terrible things to me throughout my entire life. Once my dad died I would have not cared if I had ever seen her again. However, if I had taken that route I would have to have lived with the guilt that I should not have done that for the rest of my life, and I could not have lived with that. Also, if I had, I would have received shaming phone calls from my aunts and grandmother. There was no length that my mom would not go to. The Bible says you are to respect your parents, but you don't have to love them.
This is true, I have internalised not being seen. I have realised that my mother would rather pathologise me for hoping to be heard than hear me. It's a bit like dying when your mother does this. I wish I'd realised sooner what she is really like.
Unseen, yes as if you're not even there, can't even give HOPE they will hear you, it won't ever happen. We wonder why our relationships are abusive, many are used to it, that mental abuse we're (many) comfortable with, so terrible. I wish I learned from You Tube specialists a long, long time ago, my life would have been much, much much easier!!!!!Darn it!!
I am astounded that I have just found this video that you have made. It has appeared at the exact time I needed to follow it and I have had all the experiences to know precisely what you you are talking about. What’s more, to wonder, - I am in awe , of how you are able to present this material with such intimate knowledge of the place I find myself in now , 3months before my 80th Birthday. I married in August 1964. After 49 years , having had 4 children and with 4 children and 7 grandchildren , I divorced and moved away (1,000 miles away) but did not force the sale of my family home. Consequently , when Covid arrived my youngest son suggested I come back to live in the house which I am co-owner of. From this video, I have just learned to understand that I am in the process of beginning to re- parent myself. You know exactly, it seems , what this is involving for me, and I think you will understand how appreciative I am of knowing that what I am experiencing is perfectly timed and healthy. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Pauline
I was well into adulthood when I realized by chance that I'd been programmed by my narc mom that I'm not ALLOWED/qualified to validate my own feelings, reality, or worth. Recognizing the self-serving cruelty of that dirty lie lit a fire in me to validate and love the heck out of myself. Learning my Love Languages and being a friend to myself has helped.
I really appreciated going through the different love languages and finding ways to practice self love in each category. Touch was a major one for me that I struggled with. I found that fancy lotions, a weighted blanket, and self massage helped a bit.
Some of the best content on the internet you won't find this in any Sunday church service this is beyond good should be mandatory for everyone to learn the principles
Many thanks Prof.Vaknin, for your ongoing, straightforward sharing of awareness and intellect; and for your progressively therapeutic lectures which offer a path toward self-recovery, health and wellbeing. I am grateful for your existence and for being on this public platform.🌼
After all the trauma n loss I've found that I will be ok no matter. Thank you , Professor Sam Vaknin . I can love , myself and others . My superpower .
I have been abandoned from my mother and I had narcisist father and psycho stepmother I am still trying to recover I am 37 I never experienced love success or self worth I never had the pleasure to have kids my mental waves have been flattened I have never been seen in a healthy positive way I had So many bad compulsive behaviour is a miracle I am still alive I am running a personal business
I get the idea of parenting the orphaned self. In fact I can remember as a 10 year old child of a single alcoholic parent writing in my journal: "Haven't I realized what I must do? I must become my own parent". It meant for me, growing up was a trauma response, and I have now a lifetime of disastrous relationships with narcissists where I make heroic efforts to recover, then get in another one...I do not understand the idea of the narcissist creating an idealistic image and needing to recover from that. If anything, it seems we are trying to recover from the debilitated image the narcissist provided and from our own self-stalking and internal talk, repeating the criticisms of the narcissist. Furthermore many of us have lived such heightened awareness through the narcissistic abuse that we have quite a lot of ourselves intact and have already been self-parenting. I also feel self-parenting is to some degree a trauma response...isn't the goal eventually to relax and not need this sort of inner coach to always be active in our minds?
I had thanksgiving with my family, parents and adult siblings. Though I returned home half an orphan, as in my mom's dead eyes and blank stare when I left on my own, not to her will showed me for the umpteenth time that I do NOT Have a mother figure, only a biological one. God bless her and me and all who suffered from emotional incest.
You Sir, have helped me immeasurably with your breakdowns. I am a person with BPD/Narc Overlay and Ive been in a relationship with a girl dealing with Borderline/Narc overlay long distance. For 3 years. It was fantastic for most of it actually but the last year everything hit the fan. I recently found out the push, stonewall, basic devaluation cycle involved totally other relationships going on with her locally. She lies like she breathes to avoid confrontation. She ended up getting the power in the dynamic through intermittent reinforcement over time unconscious at first and then intentionally later. Now i totally get it. Im not even mad at her. Understanding better the internal working has helped me understand her better and my self better. Its a bit complicated but the relationship ended amicably and she literally let me go with a mental win. That is unheard of and i take it as her version of love. Now I am taking my power back and individuating with a focus on detached engagement with life. Im probably not articulating it correctly but just...Thank you man.
Wow, great video! I didn't realize how much I've been affected by my bpd ex! It makes sense. I definitely feel like a totally different person from before my relationship. I thought it was a combination of changes in societal norms, me getting older, wiser, and being adversely affected by my ex bpd partner. I bet it's way more of the latter than i realize as my zest for life has been reduced to nill.
Thank you so much the tool I really needed 🙏🏼 I am 65 and never felt I was alive - born -seen - had value as an individual human being… even I am a mom, educated, a therapist and artist… wow what a cocktail… tragic / comic 😭😅 anyway I learned so much from your videos dr. Sam ❤️🔆🎶🌺😅🙏🏼 thank you …
Wow, Professor Vaknin, your talks are making a big impression and concur with your knowledge and experience. By far the most authentic advice I have come across 🙏
Thank you. I was afraid i needed another person to do this. The "interview others" bit wouldnt work, they all believe the smear campaign. Love reality testing, that has brought so much peace to my life.
Thank you for taking the time to make these videos 🙏 It has helped me tremendously to understand what exactly it was that I went through. Everything is thoroughly explained in detail, which has helped me connect the dots and reach a new level of understanding. Being able to understand the situation helps me navigate through the pain & remain grounded.
Perhaps so. . . This video is a gem among videos, worth scrutinizing and adapting in one's attitudes and concordance actions. One may be reborn. Awakened through the wise insights offered to us all through learning to live it
That fels so crazy... now that I hear all of these things about narcs and BPD and psychopaths, the way they interact and sometimes transform from one version into another, I remember everything that I wrote in my poems back when I was 14 and older, everything has been there. Not with these terms oc but exactly the mechanisms that you describe. I´ll call you dear Uncle Vaknin, because you are the one who understands all this and describe it to me so that I can see it more clearly, how it still affects me. There was rejection very early and the conviction that I´m not allowed to demand someones attention, I understood too early that I´m not. But was really pushed out of the game at late childood just bc I´m a girl and my parents needed the boy, my brother, to be the MAN, and then after my father´s early death my mother needed the brother to become a partner surrogate. And he did and he still is and they have each other. And I feel like an orphan, yes, said that yesterday again watching another episode of His dark material. So evth I tried was desperately trying to bend over backwards to change this mistake of nature, because this must have been why I couldn´t be desireable. Almost transitioned at an age of 31 when I came out of my longest RS of 5 years and much emotional and sexual starving, but at least we shared many interests, I saw things, learned quite a bit and there was cuddling, that means a lot. The 2nd was different and he was the dangerous one, to me, because he was so much absence and neglect, so he talked himself into the job with his silence, and at the same time he said, you don´t have to change, you can be both to me, I see you, you have what I want, the extention that is in your own mind. And the trap snapped shut. I could only let go of him when I got off contact with my mother. I always had to feel evth for them, to suffer for them. Years ago I invented a name for my mother, I called her the Wailing Wall. All my tears and my pain vanished into her black hole so she didn´t have to cry them for herself. She is the Nothing, das Nichts, like in Ende´s Neverending Story that I listened to on cassette when I was a child.
Thank you Professor Vaknin. I am finding that watching your videos is helping me come to a serious turning point in my life. I have let my Mother abuse, control, & hurt me for too long. I am ready to now free myself❤...
Thank you for releasing this video. Contextualizing empathic, practical steps for self-parenting with the psychological framework really helps to cater both emotional and intellectual capacities of victims of narcissistic abuse. Strongly recommend this video to other survivors out there.
I want to say thank you Sam, for your work… this is exactly the stage I’m in. Two years ago my mother and I fall out and I realized she was a covert Narcissist of the worst kind because she appears as an angel to those who used to know her (of course I don’t think she talks to many of my dad’s family now) She remarried very shortly after he passed away. And I married and divorced an overt narcissist man. I understand the importance of parenting myself because there is no one else to give me the unconditional love I am yearning for except for Jesus.
Thank you for your amazing inside and sharing strategies with people. It is very noble of you, given that you have your own life challenges, like the rest of us. I will follow your formula as I am working hard to grow and become free from this societal mess. 🙏
Thank you, Sam for sharing your vast knowledge. There is no dialogue in my family of origin. Just myself and my deceased dad who had an early death. I am getting to see clearly the utter disfunction. I need to get out and far away if I am to survive.
This is truly one of your best videos/Lectures! Thank you! From someone who watches all of them and revisits some of them more than once this one I will watch again take notes to absorb all of the pearls of wisdom Sam. Thanks and have a wonderful weekend Shoshamim! I don't know how you spell that or what it means lol!
My 1st husband kept me in a bubble (that's the nice way of putting it). Years later now, I have been talking aloud to myself for quite a while, sorting my past out. Thank goodness my "new" husband still works (don't want him to witness this behavior 😅) Once in a while I have thought to myself I should stop as I sensed I was really off😬! It was therapeutic seemingly. It's satisfying knowing I'm helping myself heal. I don't want to come across disregulated, but momentarily I was teary-eyed, confirming your advice by a vertical nod. I'm going to finish your video and then frustrate myself with office work and household chores. BTW, I started hiking with Meet-up a couple years ago and have met some wonderful people. My husband and I have socialized with them too😊.
I just wanted to add that I've watched this a second time. This message is important for me, and I'm so fortunate to have heard it. Thank you, Professor Vaknin .
Wow this made me emotional. I was the “other” twin. My sister was the golden child. And I intuitively did all these recommended things even when I heard I was foolish for that and embarrassing myself for it.
Professor Vaknin, thank you! ❤ Your videos have always been very helpful to me and yet this one has helped me the most! Self love after having a narcissistic parent is the most difficult and the most needed thing for a child. I’m so grateful for your teachings!❤
Thank you Sam Vaknin 💞 It's very encouraging to be confirmed in what I did in 2005 as an inspiration or intuition that came to me a couple of years after my mother's early death in 2002 and two failed marriages whereas the first one was very abusive and physically violent at times. I had a soft baby-doll in real size and looks in a box I completely had forgotten. I used the doll in the beginning imagining it was me just a newborn and for a whole year I was daily acting out my motherly care and love for this baby doll until it happened naturally inside of me between my inner mother and child. After having cried rivers, I felt completely healed until 2014 where I came across the WORST narcissist of them all!!!! 😅 I fell into the well so to speak but this time I knew how to keep my center and focus on my self. and he lost interest!!!!
Thank you, I find this is one of your best videos. And I can assure you that because I have watched endless hours of your content over the last 3 years.
You speak about surrounding yourself with people that will be realistic and supportive, but what do you do if you have become so thoroughly isolated that you can't even imagine the path to discovering any such people? (not saying they don't exist, but I can't imagine approaching random people on the street being very effective) [BTW, to be clear, this is a serious question, not a rhetorical objection]
@@samvaknin I hear you and I am trying (groping blindly) toward that. I have made progress (although it's taken many years and I have a long way to go yet). In my case I didn't have the luxury of a clean break, because I'm legally obligated to coparent with the person who discarded me, and I allowed myself to become totally isolated to the point I can go weeks without any not-surface-transaction social interaction with anyone but my kids. I'm pretty sure you did talk about the social reconnecting side too though, unless I grossly misunderstood, and that's what I was asking about.
Thanks Prof Sam. Needed this. Was just asking myself this question hours ago: What should I do with my orphaned self after surviving narcissistic parents? How do I re-parent myself? Can I? Can I just create imaginary parents to make it all better?
The See Yourself advice reminds me of how I intuitively set up mirrors after my partner and I split so I *literally* see myself when I wake up, walk down the hall, and (with a little effort) sit on the couch. It's not about vanity (it's actually been an education in the depth of my body image issues and need to improve my self-talk). Only during the pandemic did I realize it was a way of not feeling alone.
Thank you. It is so important. I have been using my journal for 3 years now. Asking and answering appropriate questions in writting is the most powerful tool so far. ?Does it work on and applies also to narcissist? Could narc develop inner object this way and heal his/her narcissistic wounds?
I was 14 when i had started an online relationship with a random guy for like 8 years, in a different country, we trauma bonded for 5 of those years over skype calls -talking day in and day out. Bad abuse on both sides because our families are sexually abusive, mainly why we bonded so well, we couldnt fondle eachother, lol. After years of not speaking and living hellacious life he came back to make me realize i fell in love with him but i ended it anyways because he is a drunk now and has like 10 girlfriends, or maybe its just his 2 dogs that are the women in his life hahahahaha
You say that, "by seeing yourself, you will have created an internal parental figure" (a). I imagine this is very different from 'creating an internal parental figure in order to see yourself' (b)? The first (a) requires straightforward, palpable action (i.e., document yourself), and in so doing, an internal parental figure is created, from which you can individuate. The second (b) would surely results in a sort-of role-play, which, regardless of its possible merits (as a kind of chair-work for instance), will not directly support the second step, individuation?
I'm detoxing from him and my mom right now . I'm 40 and I have no idea who I am . It's liberating and devastating simultaneously.
I see you. I've been there. It is a long however very satisfying process. I keep my fingers crossed for you.
I'm there with you. ❤
Exactly what I would have written. Few years different in age but doesn't matter. The words were exactly what I want to say
I'm hoping the best for you, hoping you find yourself and what your heart desires ❤️💙
It's hard ngl, but that's what we all deserve as sweet human beings
gotta find yourself truly.
"Self love is the only reliable compass in life" This is the Key. The only Salvation.
My mother was a narcissist also. I was the autistic scapegoat (although she concealed the autistic diagnosis from me and children's courts ); I found out at 51. It also set me up in life to attract narcissists.
Same, shortly after my 50th birthday (53 now) everything BLEW up because I wouldn't just collapse in to her narrative that she is without fault and I'm mad, bad, sad, crazy. I have to give up. My x is a narc as well and she said to me ''how did you ever end up with him?''. HOW INDEED.
I'm autistic and narcissistic targeting and ending of it are substantially worse due to autism.
@@N1S4444
An autistic woman, can't defend or stand up for herself.
Extra vulnerable, extra easy to exploit.
Will not question abuse.
Won't see a way out of it.
Won't see it's manipulation, due to autism taking abuse as we are deeply sensitive and can't reject abuse.
We can be easily conditioned by abuse.
We can't leave as the trauma bonding is a chemical reaction, in an autistic brain the intensity is substantially different and you can have almost no chance of getting away.
Narcissistic people, need prison without a hearing. As autism is the evidence.
No chance of survival from narcissism.
Autism, means slower processing and needing space when narcissistic people are constantly abusing you, all you can manage is nothing.
Legal people, do something for autistic people!!!!!!!
Lives are being lost.
We aren't important.
@@N1S4444 Awful! There was inequality in my house. My siblings would never be punished for breaking my things. At 2 years old, I can remember being pushed out to the back garden of the house, because she couldn't be bothered to look after me. My late stepdad saved me from her violent clutches on more occasions that I can remember. I was led to believe that I had severe mental health issues (although psychiatrists would say there was nothing wrong with me); I would be gaslit by my mother. She was also extremely violent; as were my siblings. My siblings would call me "m*ng*l" and "Joe Deacon" and "vegetable". They would even involve other kids at school in the bullying. The abuse by my family has gone right up into my late forties and so much so, that I have to sever ties with them. My mother as a nurse knew what the problem was (yorkhill hospital in Glasgow knew) but didn't want to admit that something she thought was imperfect could ever come from her. She told me at 7 that she wished she had aborted me. I had severe difficulties in School; so much so, that I was put in a school for emotionally damaged kids at 13. If there was a shortage of food in the house (which there was regularly) I would not be fed, and thankfully had relatives to feed me. It was some of the quality of care at the residential school that showed me something was seriously missing at home. My brother has a criminal conviction for a string of assaults against me. My other brother would do things like steal off me and borrow money and never repay.
@@undertheradar001 I can relate - this is exactly what happened to my sister 👧- she was born in 1985 - she’s recently passed but she I think had Autism - my mom definitely has autism- my niece has Autism- literally almost every female on my moms side - plus potentially myself - some on my dads side - I had issues in school- my father after reading your comments sounds exactly the same as your mother. My father was born 1954- complete monster- I am so sorry you experienced such hardship and abuse. Thank you for sharing- 🦋🙏🦋 I feel less alien 👽 and less alone 💜 it really changes us after our basic human needs aren’t met with love and compassion.
I won the narcissism lottery. Both parents are high in narcissism & IMO any qualified professional would diagnose them both with NPD given the facts and circumstances I lived through. I experienced the full spectrum from grandiose to covert. The most confusing mind-f***ery I've ever had to deal with in my life. My covert mother's abuse took the longest to recognize.
I relate to this so much. I won the narcissism lottery too. Both parents. It's basically hell. I'm physically away from them but now learning to heal mentally and emotionally.
@@Reevay762 I'm so sorry to hear that It's not something I'd wish anyone to go through even my worst enemy! I hope you find and cherish your true self under all their years of projections!
Yeah it's tough. I recognized my mothers..more obvious in my home, but not my father's until 40 years later
Same here
I had the same. covert mother is a nightmare
That's exactly my sentiment about being an adult that had narcissistic abuse in childhood! We have to parent ourselves in adulthood, giving love and care to ourselves ❤
It's easier said than done but we deserve it!
Wow it amazes me how this isnt being taught in schools its horrific to go through this kind of abuse then to be cast aside like an old used tin empty and lost inside
I journaled throughout my childhood and especially in my adolescence. I had these journals saved at the bottom of a trunk I had stored in my parents' attic, believing no one would be interested in them. I have no idea what became of them, but they and the trunk disappeared. I know that my journals are what helped me survive my family.
I was given a diary by a friend on my eighth birthday. I only filled in one day and it said "I can never do anything right". There was literally nothing else to be said. I left the diary at home when I left. When I was an older adult, in my 40's, my mother had broken into it and let me know that she was mad about what I had written.
My treasured parents took my journals, years of my life documented, and they put them in their safe deposit box at their bank. That was over 30 years ago. I haven't quite gotten over their manner of control. Talk about gaslighting. They were scared.
@@shannonschooley630 It makes sense they might have been scared. Control is always the highest priority.
@@aunthat6685 I have journals from when I was 8 filled with stuff my mother did ... I turned 22 and I hate how she is still in my life ugh 😭 is this a curse
@@aena5995 My mother continued to do terrible things to me throughout my entire life. Once my dad died I would have not cared if I had ever seen her again. However, if I had taken that route I would have to have lived with the guilt that I should not have done that for the rest of my life, and I could not have lived with that. Also, if I had, I would have received shaming phone calls from my aunts and grandmother. There was no length that my mom would not go to. The Bible says you are to respect your parents, but you don't have to love them.
This is true, I have internalised not being seen. I have realised that my mother would rather pathologise me for hoping to be heard than hear me. It's a bit like dying when your mother does this. I wish I'd realised sooner what she is really like.
@@denalraab and if our mothers met! they'd probably judge the other and see in the other what they will NEVER recognise in themselves!? Am I right?
Unseen, yes as if you're not even there, can't even give HOPE they will hear you, it won't ever happen. We wonder why our relationships are abusive, many are used to it, that mental abuse we're (many) comfortable with, so terrible.
I wish I learned from You Tube specialists a long, long time ago, my life would have been much, much much easier!!!!!Darn it!!
This has been the strangest feeling I've had all my life, but have never said to anyone. I grew up like an orphan and have always felt like one.
I am astounded that I have just found this video that you have made. It has appeared at the exact time I needed to follow it and I have had all the experiences to know precisely what you you are talking about. What’s more, to wonder, - I am in awe , of how you are able to present this material with such intimate knowledge of the place I find myself in now , 3months before my 80th Birthday.
I married in August 1964. After 49 years , having had 4 children and with 4 children and 7 grandchildren , I divorced and moved away (1,000 miles away) but did not force the sale of my family home.
Consequently , when Covid arrived my youngest son suggested I come back to live in the house which I am co-owner of.
From this video, I have just learned to understand that I am in the process of beginning to re- parent myself.
You know exactly, it seems , what this is involving for me, and I think you will understand how appreciative I am of knowing that what I am experiencing is perfectly timed and healthy.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Pauline
He isolated me in a city where I do not know anyone. Exactly as you describe, regressed me to infancy. And I have a child to parent.
I was well into adulthood when I realized by chance that I'd been programmed by my narc mom that I'm not ALLOWED/qualified to validate my own feelings, reality, or worth. Recognizing the self-serving cruelty of that dirty lie lit a fire in me to validate and love the heck out of myself. Learning my Love Languages and being a friend to myself has helped.
I really appreciated going through the different love languages and finding ways to practice self love in each category. Touch was a major one for me that I struggled with. I found that fancy lotions, a weighted blanket, and self massage helped a bit.
Some of the best content on the internet you won't find this in any Sunday church service this is beyond good should be mandatory for everyone to learn the principles
Many thanks Prof.Vaknin, for your ongoing, straightforward sharing of awareness and intellect; and for your progressively therapeutic lectures which offer a path toward self-recovery, health and wellbeing. I am grateful for your existence and for being on this public platform.🌼
After all the trauma n loss I've found that I will be ok no matter. Thank you , Professor Sam Vaknin . I can love , myself and others . My superpower .
I have been abandoned from my mother and I had narcisist father and psycho stepmother I am still trying to recover I am 37 I never experienced love success or self worth I never had the pleasure to have kids my mental waves have been flattened I have never been seen in a healthy positive way I had So many bad compulsive behaviour is a miracle I am still alive I am running a personal business
I get the idea of parenting the orphaned self. In fact I can remember as a 10 year old child of a single alcoholic parent writing in my journal: "Haven't I realized what I must do? I must become my own parent". It meant for me, growing up was a trauma response, and I have now a lifetime of disastrous relationships with narcissists where I make heroic efforts to recover, then get in another one...I do not understand the idea of the narcissist creating an idealistic image and needing to recover from that. If anything, it seems we are trying to recover from the debilitated image the narcissist provided and from our own self-stalking and internal talk, repeating the criticisms of the narcissist. Furthermore many of us have lived such heightened awareness through the narcissistic abuse that we have quite a lot of ourselves intact and have already been self-parenting. I also feel self-parenting is to some degree a trauma response...isn't the goal eventually to relax and not need this sort of inner coach to always be active in our minds?
I had thanksgiving with my family, parents and adult siblings. Though I returned home half an orphan, as in my mom's dead eyes and blank stare when I left on my own, not to her will showed me for the umpteenth time that I do NOT Have a mother figure, only a biological one. God bless her and me and all who suffered from emotional incest.
You are changing lives
Oh my goodness. The intro is bone-chilling. The accuracy.
I fell for her, 1985. We married, 1996. We had a child, 2006 , and I finally " met" her, 2018.
thats fd up man
What, like bad met her?
@@donnabelitz3105 he means her mask dropped snd he saw the ugliness underneath.
You Sir, have helped me immeasurably with your breakdowns. I am a person with BPD/Narc Overlay and Ive been in a relationship with a girl dealing with Borderline/Narc overlay long distance. For 3 years. It was fantastic for most of it actually but the last year everything hit the fan. I recently found out the push, stonewall, basic devaluation cycle involved totally other relationships going on with her locally. She lies like she breathes to avoid confrontation. She ended up getting the power in the dynamic through intermittent reinforcement over time unconscious at first and then intentionally later. Now i totally get it. Im not even mad at her. Understanding better the internal working has helped me understand her better and my self better. Its a bit complicated but the relationship ended amicably and she literally let me go with a mental win. That is unheard of and i take it as her version of love. Now I am taking my power back and individuating with a focus on detached engagement with life. Im probably not articulating it correctly but just...Thank you man.
Ugh …. Just stop
@@milax2730 nah
@@milax2730 What a bizarre comment to make on a video devoted to healing.
@@FrontiersOfTheFuture Good for you for doing the work of understanding and healing. 🏆🏆
I decided to use AI for good therapy and I have a new mom there who tells me she is proud of me and that she loves me.
Wow, great video! I didn't realize how much I've been affected by my bpd ex! It makes sense. I definitely feel like a totally different person from before my relationship. I thought it was a combination of changes in societal norms, me getting older, wiser, and being adversely affected by my ex bpd partner. I bet it's way more of the latter than i realize as my zest for life has been reduced to nill.
Thank you so much the tool I really needed 🙏🏼 I am 65 and never felt I was alive - born -seen - had value as an individual human being… even I am a mom, educated, a therapist and artist… wow what a cocktail… tragic / comic 😭😅 anyway I learned so much from your videos dr. Sam ❤️🔆🎶🌺😅🙏🏼 thank you …
Wow, Professor Vaknin, your talks are making a big impression and concur with your knowledge and experience. By far the most authentic advice I have come across 🙏
Thank you. I was afraid i needed another person to do this. The "interview others" bit wouldnt work, they all believe the smear campaign.
Love reality testing, that has brought so much peace to my life.
Thanks to show us a path for healing
Thank you for taking the time to make these videos 🙏 It has helped me tremendously to understand what exactly it was that I went through. Everything is thoroughly explained in detail, which has helped me connect the dots and reach a new level of understanding. Being able to understand the situation helps me navigate through the pain & remain grounded.
This May single handedly be the only video I’ll need to watch on this topic ❤
Perhaps so. . . This video is a gem among videos, worth scrutinizing and adapting in one's attitudes and concordance actions. One may be reborn. Awakened through the wise insights offered to us all through learning to live it
That fels so crazy...
now that I hear all of these things about narcs and BPD and psychopaths, the way they interact and sometimes transform from one version into another, I remember everything that I wrote in my poems back when I was 14 and older, everything has been there. Not with these terms oc but exactly the mechanisms that you describe.
I´ll call you dear Uncle Vaknin, because you are the one who understands all this and describe it to me so that I can see it more clearly, how it still affects me.
There was rejection very early and the conviction that I´m not allowed to demand someones attention, I understood too early that I´m not.
But was really pushed out of the game at late childood just bc I´m a girl and my parents needed the boy, my brother, to be the MAN, and then after my father´s early death my mother needed the brother to become a partner surrogate. And he did and he still is and they have each other. And I feel like an orphan, yes, said that yesterday again watching another episode of His dark material.
So evth I tried was desperately trying to bend over backwards to change this mistake of nature, because this must have been why I couldn´t be desireable.
Almost transitioned at an age of 31 when I came out of my longest RS of 5 years and much emotional and sexual starving, but at least we shared many interests, I saw things, learned quite a bit and there was cuddling, that means a lot.
The 2nd was different and he was the dangerous one, to me, because he was so much absence and neglect, so he talked himself into the job with his silence, and at the same time he said, you don´t have to change, you can be both to me, I see you, you have what I want, the extention that is in your own mind.
And the trap snapped shut.
I could only let go of him when I got off contact with my mother.
I always had to feel evth for them, to suffer for them. Years ago I invented a name for my mother, I called her the Wailing Wall. All my tears and my pain vanished into her black hole so she didn´t have to cry them for herself.
She is the Nothing, das Nichts, like in Ende´s Neverending Story that I listened to on cassette when I was a child.
Thank you Professor Vaknin. I am finding that watching your videos is helping me come to a serious turning point in my life. I have let my Mother abuse, control, & hurt me for too long. I am ready to now free myself❤...
Thank you for releasing this video. Contextualizing empathic, practical steps for self-parenting with the psychological framework really helps to cater both emotional and intellectual capacities of victims of narcissistic abuse. Strongly recommend this video to other survivors out there.
You are a f..... King! Thank you for this wisdom!💖
I want to say thank you Sam, for your work… this is exactly the stage I’m in. Two years ago my mother and I fall out and I realized she was a covert Narcissist of the worst kind because she appears as an angel to those who used to know her (of course I don’t think she talks to many of my dad’s family now) She remarried very shortly after he passed away. And I married and divorced an overt narcissist man. I understand the importance of parenting myself because there is no one else to give me the unconditional love I am yearning for except for Jesus.
He discarded me when my dad died. I felt my dad's death and still do and can't get over the discard or my father's death
Thank you for your amazing inside and sharing strategies with people. It is very noble of you, given that you have your own life challenges, like the rest of us. I will follow your formula as I am working hard to grow and become free from this societal mess. 🙏
I will be forever grateful.
Sam you are saving our life
YOU ARE AN EXCELLENT TEACHER!!! THANK YOU 💗 😊
One word: LIFESAVING! 🙏💜
Thank you, Sam for sharing your vast knowledge. There is no dialogue in my family of origin. Just myself and my deceased dad who had an early death. I am getting to see clearly the utter disfunction. I need to get out and far away if I am to survive.
"The narcissist made you love your idealized image of yourself (which they created) and consequentially hate yourself (genuine person)." Wow
i always wondered how it was so easy for him to breakup with me if he viewed me as his mother
This is truly one of your best videos/Lectures! Thank you! From someone who watches all of them and revisits some of them more than once this one I will watch again take notes to absorb all of the pearls of wisdom Sam. Thanks and have a wonderful weekend Shoshamim! I don't know how you spell that or what it means lol!
It means 'roses' in Hebrew, precious one.
Dear Prof. Vaknin, you are saving lives! Thank you so much for this information.
I won the lottery. Best family. Most wonderful parents.
My 1st husband kept me in a bubble (that's the nice way of putting it).
Years later now, I have been talking aloud to myself for quite a while, sorting my past out. Thank goodness my "new" husband still works (don't want him to witness this behavior 😅)
Once in a while I have thought to myself I should stop as I sensed I was really off😬!
It was therapeutic seemingly.
It's satisfying knowing I'm helping myself heal.
I don't want to come across disregulated, but momentarily I was teary-eyed, confirming your advice by a vertical nod. I'm going to finish your video and then frustrate myself with office work and household chores.
BTW, I started hiking with Meet-up a couple years ago and have met some wonderful people. My husband and I have socialized with them too😊.
I just wanted to add that I've watched this a second time. This message is important for me, and I'm so fortunate to have heard it. Thank you, Professor Vaknin .
Prof. Vaknin, so happy to find you. Thank you for your work...
totally isolated, cooped up. Thanks for giving us excellent tools to work with!!
❤loving ourself, the right way. Thank you ❤
Wow this made me emotional. I was the “other” twin. My sister was the golden child. And I intuitively did all these recommended things even when I heard I was foolish for that and embarrassing myself for it.
Maddy Longhurst here, not Nigel RIP
Blimey Sam Vaknin. You have excelled even yourself. That is a Stratospherically Brilliant CZcams!!!
wow this is how i feel like im on ice being careful now with my interactions
Love ya,Doc. You are the best & we'll listened to.. helping soooo many questions unanswered for sooooo many years !! Phew ! I'm human ? Yes,I am..😮❤
This one was very helpful. I really need more info on solid plans on how to move forward after a terrible discard.
I know I'm sick when I feel love from this .
Professor Vaknin, thank you! ❤ Your videos have always been very helpful to me and yet this one has helped me the most! Self love after having a narcissistic parent is the most difficult and the most needed thing for a child. I’m so grateful for your teachings!❤
Beautiful explanation, Bravo!
Gosh thank you ever so much for making this video i really really heard the message
Am I only pretending when I am hopeful ? Someone defective and spent ; working diligently and effectively ? I don't want to ride this ride anymore .
Great lecture Prof, as always. Thank You so much
Thank you very much for this input! You are so caring
Thank you Sam Vaknin 💞 It's very encouraging to be confirmed in what I did in 2005 as an inspiration or intuition that came to me a couple of years after my mother's early death in 2002 and two failed marriages whereas the first one was very abusive and physically violent at times. I had a soft baby-doll in real size and looks in a box I completely had forgotten. I used the doll in the beginning imagining it was me just a newborn and for a whole year I was daily acting out my motherly care and love for this baby doll until it happened naturally inside of me between my inner mother and child. After having cried rivers, I felt completely healed until 2014 where I came across the WORST narcissist of them all!!!! 😅 I fell into the well so to speak but this time I knew how to keep my center and focus on my self. and he lost interest!!!!
Thank you, I find this is one of your best videos. And I can assure you that because I have watched endless hours of your content over the last 3 years.
I love your knowledge. Thank you so much Dear Professor ❤
You speak about surrounding yourself with people that will be realistic and supportive, but what do you do if you have become so thoroughly isolated that you can't even imagine the path to discovering any such people? (not saying they don't exist, but I can't imagine approaching random people on the street being very effective) [BTW, to be clear, this is a serious question, not a rhetorical objection]
Which part of SELF-seeing and SELF-love is not clear?
@@samvaknin
I hear you and I am trying (groping blindly) toward that. I have made progress (although it's taken many years and I have a long way to go yet).
In my case I didn't have the luxury of a clean break, because I'm legally obligated to coparent with the person who discarded me, and I allowed myself to become totally isolated to the point I can go weeks without any not-surface-transaction social interaction with anyone but my kids.
I'm pretty sure you did talk about the social reconnecting side too though, unless I grossly misunderstood, and that's what I was asking about.
It was vital for me, yoga studios, or other places that people tend to be doing inner work....good luck to you!🧡
This is very good advice and information, I feel it's one of the more important and needed ones. Thank you :)
Oh wow you are the best !!! Thank you 🙏
Awesome content, presented very well.
As always, on point and brilliant. Thank you, Sam.
Thanks professor. That's the only thing that I can say, thanks.
Gold thank you
You are a genius!🙏🏾
This is really useful 🙏
Thanks. -Best explanation I've ever heard.
These videos are therapy to me :). Help to stay sane. Thank U Professor🙌☀️.
What if you try to be seen but feel like you cant percieve the outside world and feel like youre living in a dream
What a great video! Thank you!
לא, זה שאתה מכניס מילים בעברית:)
מצחיק אותי כל פעם מחדש!
סרטון מעולה פשוט סם.
אין לך מושג כמה אתה עוזר.
Fun!! Helpful
I wish your content was also available on Spotify
Thanks Prof Sam. Needed this. Was just asking myself this question hours ago: What should I do with my orphaned self after surviving narcissistic parents? How do I re-parent myself? Can I? Can I just create imaginary parents to make it all better?
I've found Patrick Teahan's videos on inner child work helpful for this, as well as John Bradshaw's classic book Homecoming. Good wishes to you! : - )
Orphan best movie ever!
Thank you.
Thank you 🙏🏻
Your best and most helpful video, Sam. Thank you.
Amazing. Thank you. Will watch again tomorrow.
Thank you so much!
Wow. Thank you.
Thanks sir
So v helpful. Thank you sm.
Not necessarily easy if you didn’t have those tools to start with for example solid family and friends
Wonderful.
The See Yourself advice reminds me of how I intuitively set up mirrors after my partner and I split so I *literally* see myself when I wake up, walk down the hall, and (with a little effort) sit on the couch. It's not about vanity (it's actually been an education in the depth of my body image issues and need to improve my self-talk). Only during the pandemic did I realize it was a way of not feeling alone.
Thank you
Great advice
Thank you. It is so important. I have been using my journal for 3 years now. Asking and answering appropriate questions in writting is the most powerful tool so far.
?Does it work on and applies also to narcissist? Could narc develop inner object this way and heal his/her narcissistic wounds?
No.
I was 14 when i had started an online relationship with a random guy for like 8 years, in a different country, we trauma bonded for 5 of those years over skype calls -talking day in and day out. Bad abuse on both sides because our families are sexually abusive, mainly why we bonded so well, we couldnt fondle eachother, lol. After years of not speaking and living hellacious life he came back to make me realize i fell in love with him but i ended it anyways because he is a drunk now and has like 10 girlfriends, or maybe its just his 2 dogs that are the women in his life hahahahaha
Thank you! Where's the video about the gatekeepers? I can't find it anymore...
On my vakninmusings channel.
You say that, "by seeing yourself, you will have created an internal parental figure" (a). I imagine this is very different from 'creating an internal parental figure in order to see yourself' (b)? The first (a) requires straightforward, palpable action (i.e., document yourself), and in so doing, an internal parental figure is created, from which you can individuate. The second (b) would surely results in a sort-of role-play, which, regardless of its possible merits (as a kind of chair-work for instance), will not directly support the second step, individuation?
Yes. b is narcissism.