I recommend all INFJs to read "The One Thing" by Gary keller. Since most INFJs are highly ambitious and really expect a lot from themselves, we try to achieve everything all at once and try to be perfect, which makes us procrastinate because deep down we know that it's impossible to multitask and be great at everything. The One thing teaches us exactly that. How to manage time by eliminating all the less important stuff that we do.
U literally just described how i feel everyday of my life like you wre in my head. That's insane. What a relief that i'm not all alone in feeling this crazy making shame driven anxiety. I started working on myself now and fully accepting myself. Just read an article that said our worth is separate from our behaviors and qualities, and no matter what we've done in the past to hurt people out of our need to avoid shame, we still have full worth as humans. Trying to remember that everyday moving forward. Hope this decreases my shame.
Great to see you doing so well, Tom. There's so much positivity in this video :) I'm 27 and this has been without a doubt one of the worst years of my life. Discovering your videos have really helped give me some clarity and just feel less like a complete alien. I want to say a big thank you for that.
Georgina W wanted to comment, read yours and it's my thoughts exactly. I'm 26 and going through my fair share of negativity, possibly the worst year too, since late 2016 until now. But Tom and Erik Thor are two INFJs that seem to speak my mind out and help me feel "normal", and that there are solutions to a hyperactive-introspective brain...
Ahh at least we're in good company :) The entire INFJ/myers briggs side of youtube is full of the nicest, most relatable people. It's been such a comfort.
Anish Gole there are a lot of INFJ CZcamsrs apparently. Some claim they are INFJ, but they don't seem genuine to me. Both Tom and Erik standout and are both so relatable to me on a personal level almost. And no, I don't think I know anyone else Im subbed to with the notification turned on 😅 but let me know if you do.
Someone said, "you are not worse than everyone else in the world, just as you are not the best out of everyone else in the world. you are not that special in a sense." Toxic shame makes you believe that ur flaws are worse than the flaws of all those around u, and that's simply not true. To get rid of depression, don't allow ur guilt to get that extent. In order to love others fully, u must love & accept urself fully.
This is the best description of toxic shame that I've seen. This very accurately describes what it's like. We feel it, but it's so hard to describe it. Kudos.
Thank you for your videos. They help immensely. I’m a 41 year old INFJ that has recently discovered I was such. For years I always felt like my way of thinking and being was innately flawed. I would find myself on a train of thought in that special way we have and tell myself “ what you are thinking or feeling is not normal “. Then I would squash that line of thought not knowing that that’s just how I operate. It caused me great suffering. Knowing now that I am “ normal “ for me I’ve started to embrace our natural way of being and I’ve begun to see things with more joy and wonder. It feels almost like the happiness I vaguely remember when I was a small child. Everything I look at has a shine and a warmth to it. These videos and those others like it help me to navigate these super powers and weaknesses that are our birthright. ; ) Once again thank you.
13:16 MAJOR ERROR WARNING" ...so now it's time to heal it..." As a man myself experiencing this same shame we think we can just "heal it", get it finished, and become healthy just like we think everyone else appears, however this notion is a product of the Toxic Shame itself. You don't heal it and move on. You spend time accepting yourself and will grow more, and it's a lifetime journey which doesn't have to stop you from having a happy life, but if you think you can just "fix it" then you are setting yourself for massive failure and depression when that does not occur like you thought. I know because that's what I did. Now I'm on the long haul track and realize it's a lifetime journey and the best thing I can do is find people I trust to make that journey with me.
yes! I completely agree. I have done the same thing--thinking that if I can just *heal* this part of me, and get over it, then I will be happy. I have accomplished many, many things that I did not think I could ever do but guess what? I still feel toxic shame. And it's all because I was focused on the outcome of my healing journey (trying to fix myself) instead of learning to truly accept myself as I am. But yes, I agree, you completely need others in your life to go on this journey with you. It feels really good to show your weakness in front of others and realize they aren't shaming or judging you.
tom said “heal” not “fix”. i took it to mean healing as in healing - the life-long process, not as you seem to suggest, healing - the quickest path to being like everybody else.
I heard of toxic shame today for the first time from my therapist, and your description is so on point it's unreal. Hopefully identifying this will help to move things along towards some kind of healing process. Great post, thank you x
I could immediately notice a positive change in you before I even pressed play. You seem more whole and deliberate and forbearing. Also, like others have mentioned, this video is a synchronicity to me because I was thinking about this yesterday. look forward to more from you
If you live long enough to become you it's a blessing. The journey towards there includes learning who you are, learning what you are naturally good at, learning who you are not, making many mistakes -and many of those out of literally not knowing -and finally the chance to live in a growing space after all of that. I say this at age 52 with all of these in my experience. This includes dealing with toxic shame: it can come from your past, yourself, people who demean you, and societal expectations which belittle you. Knowing your strengths helps greatly (in addition of course to MBTI, there is a strength weakness test at viacharacter.org which is precise and might really help get going on that). Pursuing roads filled with your weaknesses can leave you stuck in deep potholes. We heal better when we authentically engage in what we are better at regardless if any of it is related to employment income. I've learned my strengths are not monetizable which is one of my paths to something that looks much more like personal peace and freedom. A tip: we are biologically wired differently than we are told. A highly relevant and stepping stone interview for some is by Christopher Ryan on Jimmy Dore's channel titled Civilized to Death. It really coalesced a lot I've learned over the years. I do wish I had had a head start but yah can't go back...
Thank you for your bravery in sharing your ADHD diagnosis and for talking about your shame! I know you're totally right about bringing the shame into the light by talking about it and it's such a blessing to have a kindred spirit validate a feeling that has been so hard for me to put my finger on!
Can’t believe this hasn’t got more views, you explained quite a complicated and intricate issue so clearly and thoroughly and touched on everything I was thinking as you went along. This video was like a hug, honestly haven’t felt so understood before 😂
This is so interesting, I’ve been awakening and relaxing that I’ve dealt with toxic shame in regards to my identity my whole life. I’m also INFJ so I feel like there must be a connection. People say it can be triggered from childhood trauma but I really do not know when it started as I’ve had it all my life.
You are not alone here. My toxic shame started when my family decided to move to another country. According to psychology toxic shame is mainly due childhood emotional neglect.
im here just trying to make sense of my existence and make myself easier to live with. i came to the right place. i have been endlessly struggling and you opened up a world of truth for me. it is just what i have been needing. just contemplating going to see a mental health specialist currently. dont know where to start cause school is in the way which by the way is a horrifying struggle being in school but i have so many unresolved issues which have me feeling lost, alone and hopeless. i have adhd and depression as well. everything you say makes so much sense to me. there is so much more i want to say all at once and cant pick one thing so ill stop right here. theres nothing else i have to say that would surprise you so ill spare you the deets. thank you, Tom.
I go through what you described in this video on a daily basis. I have ADHD as well. And I'm also in infj. I have taken medication as well and it does help tremendously. But what I've noticed is that it changes the essence of who you are as an individual. Basically you're handing over your authenticity. I've thought a long time about these and everything else you talk about in all your videos I've never related to somebody and I've watched many people talk about the infj types and their experiences but I relate to you more than anybody I've ever met the way you describe how you feel around people is the only way to describe it. But that's what makes us who we are and that's what makes us intuitive we're so aware of the people around us and that they may be watching that suck consciously or taking in enormous amounts of information that in the future possibly could make you stronger. It just seemed to me that medication is the easy way and it changes who I am. And I like who I am I like how I think I don't understand how other people think that all it boggles my mind. But I'm proud to be like this. I've learned that it's a part of my Essence that makes me who I am and if I'm anything but the person I am I'm the exact opposite of what I'm striving to be. Just something to think about.
I have read Bradshaw's book Healing the Shame that Binds You and someone just gave me Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly. She has done some good work on toxic shame. As a Christ follower, knowing I am deeply loved, accepted and forgiven by God's grace and mercy is very powerful. My identity is secured in what God says about me more than other broken people because we are ALL broken in our own way. God bless.
Thank you sooo much, I literally have tears in my eyes of how much this relates to what I have been going through for sometime now, and the worst part is it really started impacting my studies negatively , I will definitely take your advice: ) thanks once more, you just saved whatever's left of me.
Finding SAFE people is way harder than I wish it to be. I have only found that safe place with a trusted psychologist - they are both understanding and private! But expensive :-) I just recently found your videos and I love them, keep on going!
Anneri Victor I agree. Safe people - the empathetic, trust worthy, non-judgmental ones - in my experience are a relative minority. And professionals as you said expensive. For now atleast, my journal is my only safe people.
I think we all experience comorbid challenges with our personalities, the difference between someone with or without a diagnosis is whether these challenges impact on our quality of life. I personally find comfort in diagnosis, it soothes my need to know and understand. However, I completely understand that for some people, they feel confined or defined by diagnosis. I appreciate your candor in sharing your experience of ADHD. A diagnosis can describe, but it does not define. As for the subject matter of toxic shame... it's something that resonates quite strongly with me. I'm still integrating /processing. Thank you kindly for your insights.
I didn't think being an INFJ and all this stuff was connected until I've noticed so many of us suffer from these same issues... I'm struggling every day with this voice that just tells me that everyone hates me and that I'll never fit in anywhere, it's rough and I'm really hoping to get past it. I know logically that all humans have worth, but I still feel like I have absolutely no worth or purpose in this world and it's painful :/
Start scripting, making statements like: I am worthy, I am loved, etc. At first it will feel fake but if you persist with some time you will notice a difference in how you feel about yourself. Your beleives are products of your most frequent thoughts. By repetition of new thoughts your brain - mind will acquire new beleifes. I recomend you Agnes Vivarelli channel and her self love afirmation videos :)
Confessing my feelings of shame to someone else was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I actually had to write everything dark thought and read it back in order to get everything out. I spent my entire life thinking that I was an INTJ but I suspect my difficulty addressing my own emotions affected my scores. I retested recently, in the wake of a depressive episode and I am learning a lot about myself in the process. Thank you for post your videos. You are very articulate and everything you're talking about goes a long way to helping me not feel so alone in what I am feeling.
Great video! I've been around the self-development part of youtube for almost 2 years now. Starting a meditation habit has been very important to me. I feel that toxic shame really resonates with me. And I'm deeply appreciative that you dedicate a video talking about it. Not all of this is easy to come by. Self awareness really is a powerful tool in this battle. Peace out!
I owe you a huge thank you. You taught me soo much about myself, and your videos inspire so much to keep going. Sometimes I still find being different really really confusing but you've helped me so much. Thank you so much for sharing your life with us. I don't really struggle with toxic shame at the moment, more with how to process things, but I know that I used to and I wish that I had seen this video during that time. I'll definitely be coming back to it. Thank you again!! :)
Thank you Tom for this video and every video you have ever made. I resonate with this topic very much because i have anxiety and depending on the people im around im either very calm one moment then panicking the next thinking what if i get this wrong or are they pretending to be my friend just a tsunami of negativity. As a kid i stuttered almost religiously to a fault so because of that i had to take a class for it and i never knew why or what caused the stuttering issue. Fast forward in to my teen years and I'm having panic attacks but at random times now but am observing myself better. Shy to fault with some and bad with words(over thinking×analyzing word usage) that no matter how much i want to talk i don't except with people im familiar with or hoping if i talk i stumble my way into what i meant. But most of the time i can talk if everybody else is talking just copying the noise around me but still hating loud places in general almost like i design a mask to fit one atmosphere and so on through out different experiences but all the while struggling with finding who i really am or the words to fit it. Even now im typing a lot hopeing what im trying to say gets across but still feeling like i haven't said enough of what i think although lately I've learned that i cant think of a problem right now if its bothering me or im prone to the infinite step ladder of my emotions or too late that i bottle it(life long habit...unfortunately). So i opt out of those and give myself time from myself and listen to music then write without any care of what im saying to then be patience with myself to not give negative thought patterns when i tell myself i like myself just to have my anxiety say prove it or your just saying that because others tell you that's what you should do and i find that approach the best.. so far. But i still struggle from time to time with my words often able to feel them better than i can say them.(Sorry for long text and also i noticed you looked a little stressed in the beginning are you well?)
Btw I often wanted to write on your videos for a while but being nervous before or thinking that its just all in my head so i should know how to handle it automatically..but i don't and eventually i'll be ok with that.
Tom, awesome explanation. Also about the ADHD thing (surprised to hear that) - REALLY CLEAR and crisp explanation, better than in books or by therapists, so... you're doing great. Don't beat yourself up.
Hi! One thing that majorly helped me was to talk to others and allow myself to open up bit by bit. But, I got a lot of help from hanging out with nature. In which, somehow this relieved me of my social anxiety. Well most of it😁 Thankyou so much for your INFJ videos! I'm so happy that it isn't just me experiencing all of these things too so thankyou!
Tom! 》》》 started working in a fast paced, very factual and Sensing type environment and for 2 years now battle with concentration and "being there" mentally. I make many mistakes and it's a fast paced environment too with people around all the time and that makes it harder to concentrate for me. I find I concentrate better when there's little stimulation and noise around me. IDEAL Isn't it!? Pity the world isn't so....all this is totally relatable.
Thank you Tom for your honesty.I have problems in a group situation.If It's one on on I feel fine safe and comforrtable.In a group I can be very critical about myself(in my thoughts).I dont think any one notices this though ,because it is all internal in my mind.It has gotten better the older I get.I used to feel lonely alot but now I enjoy being on my own.Meditation and one on one councelling has helped me alot too.I also have 2 dogs who ate always happy and loving to me.Wishing you all the very best .
It is very helpful to understand and know about one's condition. Happy for you that you knew it at such a young age. It is still helpful to older people like myself. I wish you well and may you continue to help others through this wonderful series
I think you just saved my life right now, i found your videos when going through a rough patch with general anxiety and depression , thank you so much! also an adhd and general anxiety disorder btw..
After watching your video, I really wanted to know more about ADHD, it's so interesting to find that there are different types and that it can be mistyped in quieter people. Really lovely to hear your story, and thank you, I really don't feel insane anymore, I can relate with you so much, thank you.
There's a book that I read last year that stood out and that I would like to recommend, related to the problem of self-loathing and what you can do about that inner voice. It's called Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, by Kristin Neff. It is a really thorough discussion about ways to see that you or I don't have to be hard on ourselves, while at the same time still recognizing our challenges and dealing with them. Anyway, I just wanted to share the book, something that was good for me.
Tom, gotta say I am on this same path as you. I too thought by making videos I was doing myself good - and don't get me wrong, it has been great - but putting things into actual practice is the scariest, most challenging thing I've done. However, the challenge of overcoming it creates a nice little excitement for my brain. In your discussion about the struggles you have with ADHD I can see my brain acting in similar manners, especially in the situation I am in; high stress scenario. Thanks for putting your thoughts into words so fluently, it makes it very easy to understand and I enjoy your videos very much.
When I was 18 I was diagnosed with ADHD. As an INFJ it's troubling to have ADHD too because I already notice my surroundings and well... sometimes I miss important moments because I get distracted. Its great knowing that I'm not the only one :)
Whoa! Also happened to me. Late 20s everything is changing, realized I have a bunch of change, and I feel inauthentic. I think I'm hsp and also INFJ. Thank you for this video.
Tom, thanks for sharing! You are contributing a lot. Your videos were a great help to me during this tough winter. They made me feel understood (isn't that what we crave as INFJ-s ? (and also as humans, hehe)). I am also opening now more and more as the spring is coming back. Writing the longest blog post ever today :D
Now that's very weird. Have been occupied with the topic of shame and cyclical patterns of behaviour all day. Not something I'd thought about for a long time, but definitely something I need to work on. Was even lead back to your first video on the topic. Very synchronicitous.
I respect and love your videos and what you say. ADHD might be you. And that is you. if you genuinely identify with this. But don't let this define you! DSM as a system is just a toxic shame that has been perpetuated through the history of psychiatry! Just do you! and that will be fine!
I've suspected that I have inattentive ADHD since last summer, am on a waiting list for evaluation, and I relate so much to you and your ways of organizing thoughts out loud... literally said "oh my god" out loud (I'm kind of obsessed with ADHD lol)
Hi Tom, INFJ here, I completely agree with you, spring is hands down my favourite season in the year, not summer and DEFINITELY NOT CHRISTMAS (ffs) ! No time in the year feels as powerfully rejuventating as spring does. Judging from your videos, you never seemed to me someone who has ADD/ADHD at all. I thought your results were going to turn out negative. I would watch out with that diagnose and also with that medication. Not getting things done and being stuck in your head 24/7 is common for all INFJs. But ofcourse I am not you and nor am I the NHS, so I can't really tell. Social anxiety though, and the childhood shame, I share that equally with you and I think you gave some great advice here on how to deal with it. There is more to explore about this subject and I'd love to hear more about it from you !
What does ADHD look like though? That's the problem and that's why as an adult it's so easy for it to go unnoticed and undiagnosed, it's a lot different to how ADHD plays out it in kids and all I can say is the 'implied symptoms' have effected me in big ways, things that I've never really explained on here. I'm actually still coming to terms with just what a huge role it's played in my life. I respect people's opinions and I'm not looking for something to define me, I just want to get on with my life, if this is another thing I have to learn to live with then so be it. Cheers
I'm gonna throw in my 2 cents for what it's worth just as an fyi: Exercise seems to help a lot with minimizing and stabilizing ADHD symptoms for some ppl. Seems to regulate autonomic nervous system and stabilize brain chemistry. My cousin had severe ADHD as a kid and apparently it was very disruptive made worse by being forced to sit in a goddamn classroom for hours. So after he got into exercise and sports (basketball) consistently his symptoms improved and stabilized drastically. Now he can spend hours (5-8hrs with a few breaks) on his desk freelancing unique hand-painted designs for client's prized shoes which requires a good amount of focus so as to not make mistakes on them. Which is impressive considering that he is an ESTP ;) Exercise part would have probably be easier being an ESTP, but not the sitting still in a desk part designing on shoes. I'm not sure how much of that was contributed by the fact that he started exercising young (middle school) while his brain and body were developing. But I also heard that it has helped adults reduce symptoms. Best of luck to you and hope you find a fulfilling balance! Thank you so much for making this much needed video on INFJ toxic shame and all your other INFJ videos.
All i pray is to sincerely forgive, even where there's no apologies, to be forgiven where i hurt with and without knowledge, to heal and to forget, to move on from the situation completely and never should it recur in my life and my children life. Its a suffocating situation that leaves me hollow and afraid and its definitely exhausting I'd never wish it on anyone.
I'm also an INFJ with an ADHD diagnosis and I'd highly recommend developing a regular meditation practice. It's helped so much with my mental clarity and I was able to stop taking medication altogether.
Subscribing because I respect someone who will admit their weakness and be open about it. Unless someone is in another's shoes and have been where you have been with all you have been through tey cannot get it. My ex (ESFP) destroyed my mind and I would have died after years of killing me bit by bit. ( I stayed for the kids since there was nowhere to go back then.) We were good until he became A Christian and a fake one and went over to the dark side.) I was no longer the personality he wanted. (INFJ) I was fun and was able to be extraverted with a lot of growth since my parents were wonderful. He wanted perfection Christian show off behavior and authority where I put up with anything. No planning like I did prior. Not running the finances. He was no longer fun and so dark. He did this to me. I never knew what happened and only figured it out as my kids were older. No Christians believed me. I had to get help and meds! I finally got out but he screwed us all up. My kids are not what they could have been through I think are as good as they are because I took the fall for them. I am much better now but I actually developed some physical illnesses because of it all and still deal with it. I would be DEAD or killed myself if it was not for medical help. I also think this is positive. as a video. You have great courage and strength the many who give opinions without empathy.
I noticed that when I accept these self shame thoughts and feelings about myself, they don't have that much power over me. You can say to yourself- to your consciousness, you can decide what you choose to beleive about yourself and start to programming your mind with new beleifes. You can decide that these shamefull thoughts are only your ego, unconsciousness, fair based thoughts, you can make peace with them and accept that they will probably keep poping in your head more or less frequently, you accept that they appear, observe them and let them be - and then they will go away. With practice you can become better and better with it. Don't try to fight them, don't fight them with logic, because your subconsciousness don't understand logic. You can prepare yourself mentally before meeting with people, you can imagine that you will be ok even if these thoughts would appear. You can also imagine worst case scenario and accept it - fear of what you are resisting will diminish. Long story short: accept your ego and thoughts it produces, treat it with love and patience like a child :)
Hey guys. I'm Yoshi. First off I wanna say I hate being grouped, and I think everyone is different. But at the same time I myself stumbled upon the whole INFJ thing and being quite severely misunderstood all my life it was quite a shocker to find this personality and how it matches up pretty close to my own self. That being said, though reluctant to say, and only saying so you understand that I understand, I am a variation of the INFJ type. First just by watching a video or three about the INFJ type, and Then by taking the test. As a child my father was very hard on me. Every flaw of mine he pointed out with great intensity and passion and anger. I was teased by everyone in all the grades above and below me in school. not only that but I was raised religiously, so the flaws my father pointed out so vigorously we're not only on a personality level, but also a religious level of being a sinner. As an INFJ, this impacted me so deeply inside of my heart and hurt me very badly. But not only this, my father thought he knew me and understood me so well and told me how much he thought I didn't care about my flaws, nor about other people, but he couldn't have been further from the truth. That feeling of having my father insistent on thinking he knows me and yet being so far off was also painful. From there, since my father did not know about my natural self-analysis in my brain, he proceeded to tell me that I wasn't analyzing myself at all and vigorously encouraged me to self analyze myself. This caused me to have an extra hyper self-analysis. But I want to tell you guys that I do not struggle with shame at all anymore. And there's a reason for that. The Deep purpose that we as INFJs seek for, the deeper reasons that we Ponder, explanation behind the intuition we experience that cannot be explained yet by modern science, is all found in the God of Heaven and Earth. He has given me the ability to not condemn myself, but rather accept that I'm not perfect, and instead of focusing on myself focusing on him, and the good he wants to do for people which runs natural in me as an INFJ. This God, who is very real, is the one that can give an INFJ a very full sense of purpose in this life. Also as an INFJ having found this God, of course I have done an immense deal of logical analysis and pondering of the reality of this God and the truths, misconceptions, false ideas of God. also noticed I haven't mentioned a religion. This is because that through deep logical analysis and pondering of the religions I have found great inconsistencies. This being said, I have also very deeply studied the Bible in the original Hebrew language and pondered all of its Concepts and things written specifically there in on a highly analytical and logical thought process through the course of about 18 years and can honestly say that I find no inconsistencies, but rather incredible accuracy in the things written in that book to the point that it is hard to believe that it could have been authorized buy flawed people, but rather a very sound, meticulous, wise, understanding, and perfect spiritual being that speakes and reveals only the truth. As an INFJ the truth is extremely important to me. And I don't settle for things because they are a trend, or because others said so. As an INFJ I feel this is impossible. I'm saying all of this because I want to explain to you guys that are struggling that there is an answer to the problems, there is a reason why, there is a higher spiritual being who can heal you as he has healed me. Obviously as an INFJ I would be very excited to talk in depth of detail, intellect, and passion about this subject to anybody that would fall curious. So please feel free to reply. I'm also down with exchanging some sort of way to communicate on a private messenger of some sort.
Its the first video of yours that I can't press "like". I don't believe in ADHD at all.....it was just something that was made up by the medical establishment/pharma companies so they could cash in. I'm all for healing and I think its totally possible without a pill. As a fellow INFJer probably 20+ years your elder I've been in your shoes where your mind is so scattered and you want to save the world. I get negative at times, but there is a lot of bad shit happening around the world. From the videos I've watched of yours there is NOTHING wrong with the way you think/process....wished I was closer so I could be in your "safe zone". You are fine Tom you don't need meds!!!
$DameDoLLa$ I started with reading Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now". It tought me to catch myself thinking and calm my thoughts and have power over my ego. Try it...
Kurt Pfannkuch I know someone who managed to turn it into an advantage without medication. Of course he is still very fidgety and feels scattered but has the ability to superfocus on certain things. He calls it attention defficit order. Kinda neat.
Because they don't want great thinkers to make A's and be rewarded....think about it a little more. There's nothing wrong with us, yet we're told that since we're young. It's to hold us back from our full potential and to keep control over us.
Kurt Pfannkuch the problem with this statement is that it is both true and untrue. I'm not saying you're contradicting yourself at all. From my perspective there are truths and untruths in this comment. It is true because I feel that people like Tom and I don't need meds or shouldn't need meds. We're different from others and wish we could involve ourselves in our strong suits and be appreciated. However, we do need them to live in this society. They are the only thing that has made it possible for me to get through school and work amongst other things. So we shouldn't need them, but we do need them because the external world expects us to behave and function in a way that does not come naturally and the meds allow us to do that. I hope that made sense and didn't sound like scattered nonsense
I feel I have perfect self loathing. Thank you Tom for talking about this. I think I'm not broken. Eggshells? More like tap dancing in a minefield. There is hope.
It's almost like you were talking about what I've been experiencing.. When you mentioned that little voice inside us that eats us.. It does... I find myself unconsciously recalling past events that I'm ashamed of, and the immediate response of my mind is "kill me". I literally wish for it multiple times in a day. I'm not suicidal though. I have dreams, I have plans to educate myself further, to get a job.. I'm looking forward to my life, struggling like other people my age. I don't know what word jumble this comment is.. I dont know how to conclude it.. I'm sorry
Your videos I've started watching over the last few days have taught me so much about myself, THANK YOU!!. I've known for years I was an infj, and had kind of just settled into life thinking "all this" is just who I am. Some how recently I realised I had been letting my anxiety make me live a subdued safe life in order to be able to deal with life without too much struggle and pain. And although I'm comfortable and relatively happy with my life it has also taken away my zest and authentic enjoyment in life. I found you and this video by trying to get back on track with who I really am and watching infj videos. I knew I had anxiety, and I've been on many paths of personal growth and self awareness in the past and have read and researched so much in the like fields of psychology but have never heard of toxic shame before!!! WOW!! So thankfully I know about this now, I now feel like I have hope of moving forward and being the person I always wanted to be but somehow couldn't reach due to my "personality"/"anxiety" like how you say even walking down the street and feeling like all eyes are on you even though there not, or even just having the confidence to openly get to know new people without instantly worrying and assuming they'll not like me. This all resonates so much with me and why I'm stuck in life the way I am. Anyway thank you you've inspired me to dive into learning more about and overcoming this toxic shame. I'll definitely be a avid subscriber to your videos from now on. All the best on your personal journey with toxic shame and the rest as well, is infj/empaths have a hard life but I think if we can get through the tough stuff there is so much beauty to be experienced 💖
IF you have no one to talk to. Free journaling, where you write without trying to control what you wrtie, on your feelings surrounding your toxic shame is powerful as well.
great video man! :) Nofap vaporized these problems for me completely when i had them. Meditation 30 min x2 a day helps big too! semen retention is vital for most men but they have never heard and learned about that. Take care!
I don't know how that other video titled, 'you are not an INFJ' could have included you in it. I find myself almost knowing how you're going to finish your sentences cause we have such a similar speech pattern. Keep going👍plus I wonder how much environment affects mbti type, cause I really felt this video, the shame is real😔
Hi Tom :) Thank you so much for this video!! It is refreshing to me. The way you verbalise your thoughts and the points you made are somewhat different to the 'run of the mill' type stuff you often hear on depression/anxiety videos here on the Tube. And your hope came true for this INFP: I found this to be very insightful indeed. The stereotype seems to have rung true that INFJs can be some of the most deeply insightful gems out there. If I am 100% honest, I am a little jealous of that haha as this is what I strive for as a therapist to be. Anyways.. enough of this ramble.. Just wanted to ask how you're doing now and if you are still on medication for ADD? And if so, how is that going? I have slowly been coming to the conclusion that I may have adult ADD as well and my therapist is helping me look into getting tested. What kind of symptoms or difficulties did you experience that led you to think you had ADD? Sorry for the ramble just feeling very passionate about and interested in this video and your life. Thanks again:)
Tom.... Once again, "good job." Keep up the good work. Please reconsider taking ANY medication. The adverse effects of any "man made" med's over-time can be very detrimental to your health. And please, continue spreading John Bradshaw's wisdom.
I total agre, Tom, you have to be able to see the problem before you can begin healing it. I would also suggest the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. It worked by quieting my mind so that I could get at the source of my problem.
Complex-PTSD when I learned about this that is when everything began to make sense. I went through all the medical terms and nothing felt right. C-ptsd did
Loved the video. But what if you have no "safe people " ? I don't really have anyone who understands me apart from my mum and my negativity and feelings bring her down and it isn't fair for her.
Literally in tears, listening to you describe how my life has unfolded. I am really curious about your ADHD diagnosis process and the benefits of the medication.
I think I have been built into a messed up being, emotionally wise, since I was a little kid. School was fucked up 'cause I was a little quiet - they would put me down whenever they can ( beat me up, tell that I was ugly because I had aweful teeth); home was chaotic, for my dad was always drunk while beating up my mom in front of me. Nowadays, 20 years old, my teeth are fixed, don't have contact with my dad anymore: things were supposed to be settled down by now. Not the case. I've became pretty messed up, I don't trust anybody at all, I always think people are faking their emotions and often believe potencial friend are trying to find a way to put me down or destroy me somehow. It's inevitable to walk away from every damn body. Again, alone... naturally.
I recommend all INFJs to read "The One Thing" by Gary keller. Since most INFJs are highly ambitious and really expect a lot from themselves, we try to achieve everything all at once and try to be perfect, which makes us procrastinate because deep down we know that it's impossible to multitask and be great at everything. The One thing teaches us exactly that. How to manage time by eliminating all the less important stuff that we do.
Thanks for the recommendation 🌟
Toxic shame is the biggest obstacle in my life. I am 31 years old and I sometimes feel that it isn't worth it anymore. I wish I knew where to turn.
Stab in the dark in case you are still searching for a solution: Therapists can help alot if you manage to get there.
I wish I had your wisdom at your age. It took me until my mid 40's to realize that toxic shame is the root cause of my issues.
U literally just described how i feel everyday of my life like you wre in my head. That's insane. What a relief that i'm not all alone in feeling this crazy making shame driven anxiety. I started working on myself now and fully accepting myself. Just read an article that said our worth is separate from our behaviors and qualities, and no matter what we've done in the past to hurt people out of our need to avoid shame, we still have full worth as humans. Trying to remember that everyday moving forward. Hope this decreases my shame.
Great to see you doing so well, Tom. There's so much positivity in this video :)
I'm 27 and this has been without a doubt one of the worst years of my life. Discovering your videos have really helped give me some clarity and just feel less like a complete alien. I want to say a big thank you for that.
Georgina W wanted to comment, read yours and it's my thoughts exactly. I'm 26 and going through my fair share of negativity, possibly the worst year too, since late 2016 until now. But Tom and Erik Thor are two INFJs that seem to speak my mind out and help me feel "normal", and that there are solutions to a hyperactive-introspective brain...
DefinitelyNotRyan do you know any other infj youtubers? I also like Tom and Erik, but I want to watch more, thanks.
Ahh at least we're in good company :) The entire INFJ/myers briggs side of youtube is full of the nicest, most relatable people. It's been such a comfort.
Anish Gole there are a lot of INFJ CZcamsrs apparently. Some claim they are INFJ, but they don't seem genuine to me. Both Tom and Erik standout and are both so relatable to me on a personal level almost. And no, I don't think I know anyone else Im subbed to with the notification turned on 😅 but let me know if you do.
DefinitelyNotRyan sure thing
"Never ending self-monitoring" - perfect summation. Sincere thanks for sharing this (from another INFJ who struggles with this stuff).
Same here! I’m glad I’m not alone anymore
Someone said, "you are not worse than everyone else in the world, just as you are not the best out of everyone else in the world. you are not that special in a sense." Toxic shame makes you believe that ur flaws are worse than the flaws of all those around u, and that's simply not true. To get rid of depression, don't allow ur guilt to get that extent. In order to love others fully, u must love & accept urself fully.
This is the best description of toxic shame that I've seen. This very accurately describes what it's like. We feel it, but it's so hard to describe it. Kudos.
Thank you for your videos. They help immensely. I’m a 41 year old INFJ that has recently discovered I was such. For years I always felt like my way of thinking and being was innately flawed. I would find myself on a train of thought in that special way we have and tell myself “ what you are thinking or feeling is not normal “. Then I would squash that line of thought not knowing that that’s just how I operate. It caused me great suffering. Knowing now that I am “ normal “ for me I’ve started to embrace our natural way of being and I’ve begun to see things with more joy and wonder. It feels almost like the happiness I vaguely remember when I was a small child. Everything I look at has a shine and a warmth to it. These videos and those others like it help me to navigate these super powers and weaknesses that are our birthright. ; )
Once again thank you.
Wow - the synchronicity of bumping into your channel after my recent revelation of my own toxic shame is astonishing. So grateful.
glad to see you
I am also INFJ & ADHD
I am struggling...
Hang in there. It seems there are many of us. You'll make it!
13:16 MAJOR ERROR WARNING" ...so now it's time to heal it..." As a man myself experiencing this same shame we think we can just "heal it", get it finished, and become healthy just like we think everyone else appears, however this notion is a product of the Toxic Shame itself. You don't heal it and move on. You spend time accepting yourself and will grow more, and it's a lifetime journey which doesn't have to stop you from having a happy life, but if you think you can just "fix it" then you are setting yourself for massive failure and depression when that does not occur like you thought. I know because that's what I did. Now I'm on the long haul track and realize it's a lifetime journey and the best thing I can do is find people I trust to make that journey with me.
yes! I completely agree. I have done the same thing--thinking that if I can just *heal* this part of me, and get over it, then I will be happy. I have accomplished many, many things that I did not think I could ever do but guess what? I still feel toxic shame. And it's all because I was focused on the outcome of my healing journey (trying to fix myself) instead of learning to truly accept myself as I am. But yes, I agree, you completely need others in your life to go on this journey with you. It feels really good to show your weakness in front of others and realize they aren't shaming or judging you.
tom said “heal” not “fix”. i took it to mean healing as in healing - the life-long process, not as you seem to suggest, healing - the quickest path to being like everybody else.
wait, did you two even watch the full vid?!?
I heard of toxic shame today for the first time from my therapist, and your description is so on point it's unreal. Hopefully identifying this will help to move things along towards some kind of healing process. Great post, thank you x
I could immediately notice a positive change in you before I even pressed play. You seem more whole and deliberate and forbearing.
Also, like others have mentioned, this video is a synchronicity to me because I was thinking about this yesterday.
look forward to more from you
Thank you
If you live long enough to become you it's a blessing. The journey towards there includes learning who you are, learning what you are naturally good at, learning who you are not, making many mistakes -and many of those out of literally not knowing -and finally the chance to live in a growing space after all of that. I say this at age 52 with all of these in my experience. This includes dealing with toxic shame: it can come from your past, yourself, people who demean you, and societal expectations which belittle you. Knowing your strengths helps greatly (in addition of course to MBTI, there is a strength weakness test at viacharacter.org which is precise and might really help get going on that). Pursuing roads filled with your weaknesses can leave you stuck in deep potholes. We heal better when we authentically engage in what we are better at regardless if any of it is related to employment income. I've learned my strengths are not monetizable which is one of my paths to something that looks much more like personal peace and freedom. A tip: we are biologically wired differently than we are told. A highly relevant and stepping stone interview for some is by Christopher Ryan on Jimmy Dore's channel titled Civilized to Death. It really coalesced a lot I've learned over the years. I do wish I had had a head start but yah can't go back...
Thank you for your bravery in sharing your ADHD diagnosis and for talking about your shame! I know you're totally right about bringing the shame into the light by talking about it and it's such a blessing to have a kindred spirit validate a feeling that has been so hard for me to put my finger on!
Can’t believe this hasn’t got more views, you explained quite a complicated and intricate issue so clearly and thoroughly and touched on everything I was thinking as you went along. This video was like a hug, honestly haven’t felt so understood before 😂
This is so interesting, I’ve been awakening and relaxing that I’ve dealt with toxic shame in regards to my identity my whole life. I’m also INFJ so I feel like there must be a connection. People say it can be triggered from childhood trauma but I really do not know when it started as I’ve had it all my life.
*realizing
You are not alone here. My toxic shame started when my family decided to move to another country. According to psychology toxic shame is mainly due childhood emotional neglect.
im here just trying to make sense of my existence and make myself easier to live with. i came to the right place. i have been endlessly struggling and you opened up a world of truth for me. it is just what i have been needing. just contemplating going to see a mental health specialist currently. dont know where to start cause school is in the way which by the way is a horrifying struggle being in school but i have so many unresolved issues which have me feeling lost, alone and hopeless. i have adhd and depression as well. everything you say makes so much sense to me. there is so much more i want to say all at once and cant pick one thing so ill stop right here. theres nothing else i have to say that would surprise you so ill spare you the deets. thank you, Tom.
Thank you for that. I love authenticity, doesn't make you feel so alone in the world.
I go through what you described in this video on a daily basis. I have ADHD as well. And I'm also in infj. I have taken medication as well and it does help tremendously. But what I've noticed is that it changes the essence of who you are as an individual. Basically you're handing over your authenticity. I've thought a long time about these and everything else you talk about in all your videos I've never related to somebody and I've watched many people talk about the infj types and their experiences but I relate to you more than anybody I've ever met the way you describe how you feel around people is the only way to describe it. But that's what makes us who we are and that's what makes us intuitive we're so aware of the people around us and that they may be watching that suck consciously or taking in enormous amounts of information that in the future possibly could make you stronger. It just seemed to me that medication is the easy way and it changes who I am. And I like who I am I like how I think I don't understand how other people think that all it boggles my mind. But I'm proud to be like this. I've learned that it's a part of my Essence that makes me who I am and if I'm anything but the person I am I'm the exact opposite of what I'm striving to be. Just something to think about.
I have read Bradshaw's book Healing the Shame that Binds You and someone just gave me Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly. She has done some good work on toxic shame. As a Christ follower, knowing I am deeply loved, accepted and forgiven by God's grace and mercy is very powerful. My identity is secured in what God says about me more than other broken people because we are ALL broken in our own way. God bless.
Cindy Pope I
Thank you sooo much, I literally have tears in my eyes of how much this relates to what I have been going through for sometime now, and the worst part is it really started impacting my studies negatively , I will definitely take your advice: ) thanks once more, you just saved whatever's left of me.
Finding SAFE people is way harder than I wish it to be. I have only found that safe place with a trusted psychologist - they are both understanding and private! But expensive :-) I just recently found your videos and I love them, keep on going!
Anneri Victor I agree. Safe people - the empathetic, trust worthy, non-judgmental ones - in my experience are a relative minority. And professionals as you said expensive. For now atleast, my journal is my only safe people.
I think we all experience comorbid challenges with our personalities, the difference between someone with or without a diagnosis is whether these challenges impact on our quality of life. I personally find comfort in diagnosis, it soothes my need to know and understand. However, I completely understand that for some people, they feel confined or defined by diagnosis. I appreciate your candor in sharing your experience of ADHD. A diagnosis can describe, but it does not define.
As for the subject matter of toxic shame... it's something that resonates quite strongly with me. I'm still integrating /processing.
Thank you kindly for your insights.
I didn't think being an INFJ and all this stuff was connected until I've noticed so many of us suffer from these same issues... I'm struggling every day with this voice that just tells me that everyone hates me and that I'll never fit in anywhere, it's rough and I'm really hoping to get past it. I know logically that all humans have worth, but I still feel like I have absolutely no worth or purpose in this world and it's painful :/
Start scripting, making statements like: I am worthy, I am loved, etc. At first it will feel fake but if you persist with some time you will notice a difference in how you feel about yourself. Your beleives are products of your most frequent thoughts. By repetition of new thoughts your brain - mind will acquire new beleifes. I recomend you Agnes Vivarelli channel and her self love afirmation videos :)
Confessing my feelings of shame to someone else was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I actually had to write everything dark thought and read it back in order to get everything out. I spent my entire life thinking that I was an INTJ but I suspect my difficulty addressing my own emotions affected my scores. I retested recently, in the wake of a depressive episode and I am learning a lot about myself in the process. Thank you for post your videos. You are very articulate and everything you're talking about goes a long way to helping me not feel so alone in what I am feeling.
Great video! I've been around the self-development part of youtube for almost 2 years now. Starting a meditation habit has been very important to me.
I feel that toxic shame really resonates with me. And I'm deeply appreciative that you dedicate a video talking about it. Not all of this is easy to come by. Self awareness really is a powerful tool in this battle. Peace out!
I owe you a huge thank you. You taught me soo much about myself, and your videos inspire so much to keep going. Sometimes I still find being different really really confusing but you've helped me so much. Thank you so much for sharing your life with us.
I don't really struggle with toxic shame at the moment, more with how to process things, but I know that I used to and I wish that I had seen this video during that time. I'll definitely be coming back to it.
Thank you again!! :)
I think this is good advice about finding others to speak to about it. We introverts try to take on too much on our own.
Thank you Tom for this video and every video you have ever made. I resonate with this topic very much because i have anxiety and depending on the people im around im either very calm one moment then panicking the next thinking what if i get this wrong or are they pretending to be my friend just a tsunami of negativity. As a kid i stuttered almost religiously to a fault so because of that i had to take a class for it and i never knew why or what caused the stuttering issue. Fast forward in to my teen years and I'm having panic attacks but at random times now but am observing myself better. Shy to fault with some and bad with words(over thinking×analyzing word usage) that no matter how much i want to talk i don't except with people im familiar with or hoping if i talk i stumble my way into what i meant. But most of the time i can talk if everybody else is talking just copying the noise around me but still hating loud places in general almost like i design a mask to fit one atmosphere and so on through out different experiences but all the while struggling with finding who i really am or the words to fit it. Even now im typing a lot hopeing what im trying to say gets across but still feeling like i haven't said enough of what i think although lately I've learned that i cant think of a problem right now if its bothering me or im prone to the infinite step ladder of my emotions or too late that i bottle it(life long habit...unfortunately). So i opt out of those and give myself time from myself and listen to music then write without any care of what im saying to then be patience with myself to not give negative thought patterns when i tell myself i like myself just to have my anxiety say prove it or your just saying that because others tell you that's what you should do and i find that approach the best.. so far. But i still struggle from time to time with my words often able to feel them better than i can say them.(Sorry for long text and also i noticed you looked a little stressed in the beginning are you well?)
Btw I often wanted to write on your videos for a while but being nervous before or thinking that its just all in my head so i should know how to handle it automatically..but i don't and eventually i'll be ok with that.
Tom, awesome explanation.
Also about the ADHD thing (surprised to hear that) - REALLY CLEAR and crisp explanation, better than in books or by therapists, so... you're doing great. Don't beat yourself up.
Hi! One thing that majorly helped me was to talk to others and allow myself to open up bit by bit. But, I got a lot of help from hanging out with nature. In which, somehow this relieved me of my social anxiety. Well most of it😁
Thankyou so much for your INFJ videos! I'm so happy that it isn't just me experiencing all of these things too so thankyou!
Tom! 》》》 started working in a fast paced, very factual and Sensing type environment and for 2 years now battle with concentration and "being there" mentally. I make many mistakes and it's a fast paced environment too with people around all the time and that makes it harder to concentrate for me. I find I concentrate better when there's little stimulation and noise around me. IDEAL Isn't it!? Pity the world isn't so....all this is totally relatable.
Thank you Tom for your honesty.I have problems in a group situation.If It's one on on I feel fine safe and comforrtable.In a group I can be very critical about myself(in my thoughts).I dont think any one notices this though ,because it is all internal in my mind.It has gotten better the older I get.I used to feel lonely alot but now I enjoy being on my own.Meditation and one on one councelling has helped me alot too.I also have 2 dogs who ate always happy and loving to me.Wishing you all the very best .
It is very helpful to understand and know about one's condition. Happy for you that you knew it at such a young age. It is still helpful to older people like myself. I wish you well and may you continue to help others through this wonderful series
I think you just saved my life right now, i found your videos when going through a rough patch with general anxiety and depression , thank you so much! also an adhd and general anxiety disorder btw..
After watching your video, I really wanted to know more about ADHD, it's so interesting to find that there are different types and that it can be mistyped in quieter people. Really lovely to hear your story, and thank you, I really don't feel insane anymore, I can relate with you so much, thank you.
Oh golly. I cannot deal with the timing of this video; too relevant, too good. Many thanks, and hats off.
I’ve only ever had a few panic attacks. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand what triggers them. Now I do. Thanks.
There's a book that I read last year that stood out and that I would like to recommend, related to the problem of self-loathing and what you can do about that inner voice. It's called Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, by Kristin Neff. It is a really thorough discussion about ways to see that you or I don't have to be hard on ourselves, while at the same time still recognizing our challenges and dealing with them. Anyway, I just wanted to share the book, something that was good for me.
Tom, gotta say I am on this same path as you. I too thought by making videos I was doing myself good - and don't get me wrong, it has been great - but putting things into actual practice is the scariest, most challenging thing I've done. However, the challenge of overcoming it creates a nice little excitement for my brain. In your discussion about the struggles you have with ADHD I can see my brain acting in similar manners, especially in the situation I am in; high stress scenario. Thanks for putting your thoughts into words so fluently, it makes it very easy to understand and I enjoy your videos very much.
When I was 18 I was diagnosed with ADHD. As an INFJ it's troubling to have ADHD too because I already notice my surroundings and well... sometimes I miss important moments because I get distracted. Its great knowing that I'm not the only one :)
Right on Tom! At 56 years old... I know that you're speaking truth and many of us know exactly what you're saying... yes, own Who You Are!
Whoa! Also happened to me. Late 20s everything is changing, realized I have a bunch of change, and I feel inauthentic. I think I'm hsp and also INFJ. Thank you for this video.
Find safe people and talk about it. Great advice.
Tom, thanks for sharing! You are contributing a lot. Your videos were a great help to me during this tough winter. They made me feel understood (isn't that what we crave as INFJ-s ? (and also as humans, hehe)). I am also opening now more and more as the spring is coming back. Writing the longest blog post ever today :D
Now that's very weird. Have been occupied with the topic of shame and cyclical patterns of behaviour all day. Not something I'd thought about for a long time, but definitely something I need to work on. Was even lead back to your first video on the topic. Very synchronicitous.
Two words: Thank you!
So glad you are well Tom
I respect and love your videos and what you say. ADHD might be you. And that is you. if you genuinely identify with this. But don't let this define you! DSM as a system is just a toxic shame that has been perpetuated through the history of psychiatry!
Just do you! and that will be fine!
I've suspected that I have inattentive ADHD since last summer, am on a waiting list for evaluation, and I relate so much to you and your ways of organizing thoughts out loud... literally said "oh my god" out loud (I'm kind of obsessed with ADHD lol)
Hi Tom, INFJ here, I completely agree with you, spring is hands down my favourite season in the year, not summer and DEFINITELY NOT CHRISTMAS (ffs) ! No time in the year feels as powerfully rejuventating as spring does.
Judging from your videos, you never seemed to me someone who has ADD/ADHD at all. I thought your results were going to turn out negative. I would watch out with that diagnose and also with that medication. Not getting things done and being stuck in your head 24/7 is common for all INFJs. But ofcourse I am not you and nor am I the NHS, so I can't really tell.
Social anxiety though, and the childhood shame, I share that equally with you and I think you gave some great advice here on how to deal with it. There is more to explore about this subject and I'd love to hear more about it from you !
What does ADHD look like though? That's the problem and that's why as an adult it's so easy for it to go unnoticed and undiagnosed, it's a lot different to how ADHD plays out it in kids and all I can say is the 'implied symptoms' have effected me in big ways, things that I've never really explained on here.
I'm actually still coming to terms with just what a huge role it's played in my life. I respect people's opinions and I'm not looking for something to define me, I just want to get on with my life, if this is another thing I have to learn to live with then so be it.
Cheers
I'm gonna throw in my 2 cents for what it's worth just as an fyi: Exercise seems to help a lot with minimizing and stabilizing ADHD symptoms for some ppl. Seems to regulate autonomic nervous system and stabilize brain chemistry. My cousin had severe ADHD as a kid and apparently it was very disruptive made worse by being forced to sit in a goddamn classroom for hours. So after he got into exercise and sports (basketball) consistently his symptoms improved and stabilized drastically. Now he can spend hours (5-8hrs with a few breaks) on his desk freelancing unique hand-painted designs for client's prized shoes which requires a good amount of focus so as to not make mistakes on them. Which is impressive considering that he is an ESTP ;) Exercise part would have probably be easier being an ESTP, but not the sitting still in a desk part designing on shoes. I'm not sure how much of that was contributed by the fact that he started exercising young (middle school) while his brain and body were developing. But I also heard that it has helped adults reduce symptoms. Best of luck to you and hope you find a fulfilling balance! Thank you so much for making this much needed video on INFJ toxic shame and all your other INFJ videos.
Important too is the cause of toxic shame.
Childhood Trauma
I'm so thankful I ran across your videos. I'm glad ur feeling better. This helped me so much!!!
Spring is the song of resilience.
All i pray is to sincerely forgive, even where there's no apologies, to be forgiven where i hurt with and without knowledge, to heal and to forget, to move on from the situation completely and never should it recur in my life and my children life. Its a suffocating situation that leaves me hollow and afraid and its definitely exhausting I'd never wish it on anyone.
I'm also an INFJ with an ADHD diagnosis and I'd highly recommend developing a regular meditation practice. It's helped so much with my mental clarity and I was able to stop taking medication altogether.
I finally got it! you sound exactly!
i mean identically,like that English dude in princess bride
Hahaha Cary Elwes!
Subscribing because I respect someone who will admit their weakness and be open about it. Unless someone is in another's shoes and have been where you have been with all you have been through tey cannot get it. My ex (ESFP) destroyed my mind and I would have died after years of killing me bit by bit. ( I stayed for the kids since there was nowhere to go back then.) We were good until he became A Christian and a fake one and went over to the dark side.) I was no longer the personality he wanted. (INFJ) I was fun and was able to be extraverted with a lot of growth since my parents were wonderful. He wanted perfection Christian show off behavior and authority where I put up with anything. No planning like I did prior. Not running the finances. He was no longer fun and so dark. He did this to me. I never knew what happened and only figured it out as my kids were older. No Christians believed me. I had to get help and meds! I finally got out but he screwed us all up. My kids are not what they could have been through I think are as good as they are because I took the fall for them. I am much better now but I actually developed some physical illnesses because of it all and still deal with it. I would be DEAD or killed myself if it was not for medical help. I also think this is positive. as a video. You have great courage and strength the many who give opinions without empathy.
Wow. This was very helpful. You really made this information easy to understand. Glad I came across this. Thank you!
Great video Tom. I'm also an INFJ. Thanks for sharing!
I noticed that when I accept these self shame thoughts and feelings about myself, they don't have that much power over me. You can say to yourself- to your consciousness, you can decide what you choose to beleive about yourself and start to programming your mind with new beleifes. You can decide that these shamefull thoughts are only your ego, unconsciousness, fair based thoughts, you can make peace with them and accept that they will probably keep poping in your head more or less frequently, you accept that they appear, observe them and let them be - and then they will go away. With practice you can become better and better with it. Don't try to fight them, don't fight them with logic, because your subconsciousness don't understand logic. You can prepare yourself mentally before meeting with people, you can imagine that you will be ok even if these thoughts would appear. You can also imagine worst case scenario and accept it - fear of what you are resisting will diminish. Long story short: accept your ego and thoughts it produces, treat it with love and patience like a child :)
Hey guys. I'm Yoshi. First off I wanna say I hate being grouped, and I think everyone is different. But at the same time I myself stumbled upon the whole INFJ thing and being quite severely misunderstood all my life it was quite a shocker to find this personality and how it matches up pretty close to my own self. That being said, though reluctant to say, and only saying so you understand that I understand, I am a variation of the INFJ type. First just by watching a video or three about the INFJ type, and Then by taking the test. As a child my father was very hard on me. Every flaw of mine he pointed out with great intensity and passion and anger. I was teased by everyone in all the grades above and below me in school. not only that but I was raised religiously, so the flaws my father pointed out so vigorously we're not only on a personality level, but also a religious level of being a sinner. As an INFJ, this impacted me so deeply inside of my heart and hurt me very badly. But not only this, my father thought he knew me and understood me so well and told me how much he thought I didn't care about my flaws, nor about other people, but he couldn't have been further from the truth. That feeling of having my father insistent on thinking he knows me and yet being so far off was also painful. From there, since my father did not know about my natural self-analysis in my brain, he proceeded to tell me that I wasn't analyzing myself at all and vigorously encouraged me to self analyze myself. This caused me to have an extra hyper self-analysis. But I want to tell you guys that I do not struggle with shame at all anymore. And there's a reason for that. The Deep purpose that we as INFJs seek for, the deeper reasons that we Ponder, explanation behind the intuition we experience that cannot be explained yet by modern science, is all found in the God of Heaven and Earth. He has given me the ability to not condemn myself, but rather accept that I'm not perfect, and instead of focusing on myself focusing on him, and the good he wants to do for people which runs natural in me as an INFJ. This God, who is very real, is the one that can give an INFJ a very full sense of purpose in this life. Also as an INFJ having found this God, of course I have done an immense deal of logical analysis and pondering of the reality of this God and the truths, misconceptions, false ideas of God. also noticed I haven't mentioned a religion. This is because that through deep logical analysis and pondering of the religions I have found great inconsistencies. This being said, I have also very deeply studied the Bible in the original Hebrew language and pondered all of its Concepts and things written specifically there in on a highly analytical and logical thought process through the course of about 18 years and can honestly say that I find no inconsistencies, but rather incredible accuracy in the things written in that book to the point that it is hard to believe that it could have been authorized buy flawed people, but rather a very sound, meticulous, wise, understanding, and perfect spiritual being that speakes and reveals only the truth. As an INFJ the truth is extremely important to me. And I don't settle for things because they are a trend, or because others said so. As an INFJ I feel this is impossible. I'm saying all of this because I want to explain to you guys that are struggling that there is an answer to the problems, there is a reason why, there is a higher spiritual being who can heal you as he has healed me. Obviously as an INFJ I would be very excited to talk in depth of detail, intellect, and passion about this subject to anybody that would fall curious. So please feel free to reply. I'm also down with exchanging some sort of way to communicate on a private messenger of some sort.
Its the first video of yours that I can't press "like". I don't believe in ADHD at all.....it was just something that was made up by the medical establishment/pharma companies so they could cash in. I'm all for healing and I think its totally possible without a pill. As a fellow INFJer probably 20+ years your elder I've been in your shoes where your mind is so scattered and you want to save the world. I get negative at times, but there is a lot of bad shit happening around the world. From the videos I've watched of yours there is NOTHING wrong with the way you think/process....wished I was closer so I could be in your "safe zone". You are fine Tom you don't need meds!!!
Then what do you do?? I've tried everything and it interferes with my grades
$DameDoLLa$ I started with reading Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now". It tought me to catch myself thinking and calm my thoughts and have power over my ego. Try it...
Kurt Pfannkuch I know someone who managed to turn it into an advantage without medication. Of course he is still very fidgety and feels scattered but has the ability to superfocus on certain things. He calls it attention defficit order. Kinda neat.
Because they don't want great thinkers to make A's and be rewarded....think about it a little more. There's nothing wrong with us, yet we're told that since we're young. It's to hold us back from our full potential and to keep control over us.
Kurt Pfannkuch the problem with this statement is that it is both true and untrue. I'm not saying you're contradicting yourself at all. From my perspective there are truths and untruths in this comment. It is true because I feel that people like Tom and I don't need meds or shouldn't need meds. We're different from others and wish we could involve ourselves in our strong suits and be appreciated. However, we do need them to live in this society. They are the only thing that has made it possible for me to get through school and work amongst other things. So we shouldn't need them, but we do need them because the external world expects us to behave and function in a way that does not come naturally and the meds allow us to do that. I hope that made sense and didn't sound like scattered nonsense
I've been watching videos on this subject and just crying my heart out. Its good to know what has been hurting you but its so hard to treat.
I've only started watching your videos today and I am really enjoying them.Thank you Tom
Your welcome, I'm glad if they're of any help. Tom
I feel I have perfect self loathing. Thank you Tom for talking about this. I think I'm not broken. Eggshells? More like tap dancing in a minefield. There is hope.
Wow..I am so glad that I dont feel so alone anymore..thank you Tom.....
It's almost like you were talking about what I've been experiencing.. When you mentioned that little voice inside us that eats us.. It does... I find myself unconsciously recalling past events that I'm ashamed of, and the immediate response of my mind is "kill me". I literally wish for it multiple times in a day. I'm not suicidal though. I have dreams, I have plans to educate myself further, to get a job.. I'm looking forward to my life, struggling like other people my age. I don't know what word jumble this comment is.. I dont know how to conclude it.. I'm sorry
Help young man. Much love to you. I hope you are doing well ❤️💫
Your videos I've started watching over the last few days have taught me so much about myself, THANK YOU!!. I've known for years I was an infj, and had kind of just settled into life thinking "all this" is just who I am. Some how recently I realised I had been letting my anxiety make me live a subdued safe life in order to be able to deal with life without too much struggle and pain. And although I'm comfortable and relatively happy with my life it has also taken away my zest and authentic enjoyment in life. I found you and this video by trying to get back on track with who I really am and watching infj videos. I knew I had anxiety, and I've been on many paths of personal growth and self awareness in the past and have read and researched so much in the like fields of psychology but have never heard of toxic shame before!!! WOW!! So thankfully I know about this now, I now feel like I have hope of moving forward and being the person I always wanted to be but somehow couldn't reach due to my "personality"/"anxiety" like how you say even walking down the street and feeling like all eyes are on you even though there not, or even just having the confidence to openly get to know new people without instantly worrying and assuming they'll not like me. This all resonates so much with me and why I'm stuck in life the way I am. Anyway thank you you've inspired me to dive into learning more about and overcoming this toxic shame. I'll definitely be a avid subscriber to your videos from now on. All the best on your personal journey with toxic shame and the rest as well, is infj/empaths have a hard life but I think if we can get through the tough stuff there is so much beauty to be experienced 💖
IF you have no one to talk to. Free journaling, where you write without trying to control what you wrtie, on your feelings surrounding your toxic shame is powerful as well.
tom, the infjs in this world need you to write a book.
Im an infj and always felt I had adhd but have never been tested
Amazing video, thank you! EQ is so underrated...
great video man! :) Nofap vaporized these problems for me completely when i had them. Meditation 30 min x2 a day helps big too! semen retention is vital for most men but they have never heard and learned about that.
Take care!
I don't know how that other video titled, 'you are not an INFJ' could have included you in it. I find myself almost knowing how you're going to finish your sentences cause we have such a similar speech pattern. Keep going👍plus I wonder how much environment affects mbti type, cause I really felt this video, the shame is real😔
PS: Keep "keeping on." This is your calling." Your a "natural."
Thank you for this video.
Your welcome
I would love to meet you. You seem like such an amazing person.
I never related this much to someone's point of view
I could pick that up on you..., because I am Neurodiverse too
Hi Tom :) Thank you so much for this video!! It is refreshing to me. The way you verbalise your thoughts and the points you made are somewhat different to the 'run of the mill' type stuff you often hear on depression/anxiety videos here on the Tube.
And your hope came true for this INFP: I found this to be very insightful indeed. The stereotype seems to have rung true that INFJs can be some of the most deeply insightful gems out there. If I am 100% honest, I am a little jealous of that haha as this is what I strive for as a therapist to be. Anyways.. enough of this ramble..
Just wanted to ask how you're doing now and if you are still on medication for ADD? And if so, how is that going?
I have slowly been coming to the conclusion that I may have adult ADD as well and my therapist is helping me look into getting tested. What kind of symptoms or difficulties did you experience that led you to think you had ADD?
Sorry for the ramble just feeling very passionate about and interested in this video and your life. Thanks again:)
Wow how can I very handsome young man have SAD and shame? I guess I idealize people way too much
Tom.... Once again, "good job." Keep up the good work. Please reconsider taking ANY medication. The adverse effects of any "man made" med's over-time can be very detrimental to your health. And please, continue spreading John Bradshaw's wisdom.
I total agre, Tom, you have to be able to see the problem before you can begin healing it. I would also suggest the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. It worked by quieting my mind so that I could get at the source of my problem.
Complex-PTSD when I learned about this that is when everything began to make sense. I went through all the medical terms and nothing felt right. C-ptsd did
Pickle P sorry to hear u got that
I’ve just gone to point where I hate my own personality even 😞 I just deal with so much sadness that I get so sad
Thanks for sharing Tom. :)
Loved the video. But what if you have no "safe people " ? I don't really have anyone who understands me apart from my mum and my negativity and feelings bring her down and it isn't fair for her.
Maybe try it with a pet :) they don't judge. It wouldn't be exactly the same as with a human being but it's worth a try
I'd say you're clearly an Indigo! Might be helpful to look up if you haven't already :)
Yes, he is.
Literally in tears, listening to you describe how my life has unfolded. I am really curious about your ADHD diagnosis process and the benefits of the medication.
Yeah will prob make a video on it soon, have a quite a lot to say about it. Thanks for watching
I think I have been built into a messed up being, emotionally wise, since I was a little kid. School was fucked up 'cause I was a little quiet - they would put me down whenever they can ( beat me up, tell that I was ugly because I had aweful teeth); home was chaotic, for my dad was always drunk while beating up my mom in front of me. Nowadays, 20 years old, my teeth are fixed, don't have contact with my dad anymore: things were supposed to be settled down by now. Not the case. I've became pretty messed up, I don't trust anybody at all, I always think people are faking their emotions and often believe potencial friend are trying to find a way to put me down or destroy me somehow. It's inevitable to walk away from every damn body. Again, alone... naturally.
Tom you sound so different outside than inside. Nice video.
Omg you nailed it.
Clinically add also infj needed this video so much so hard for me to share emotions
I meet with flat earthers regularly and it has been empowering.. great message.
Looking good Tom, wish you the best spring bud.
Hi Tom