Great discussion. DONT LET ANYONE TRY N SHAME YOU!! Half the time those people aren't even aware that's what's they're doing. We gotta know so we don't allow them getting to us💯💯💯
The part about highly sensitive children getting damaged more, and having two faces as an adult, one for the public and one for the private, it hit hard and broke me into tears. :')
Maybe the verbiage you use around yourself could be a little better, too. Maybe it took you 7byears to figure out this thing that everyone feels but nobody talks about. There is nothing wrong with you. Your emotions are always valid, but never "bad" or "good". They're just there to point something out for us as individuals to notice. Wishing you well!
Sorry young CN accurately that is a toxic relationship and they those are toxic people/folk using those toxic traits toxic behavior in disciplining when disciplining & seeing this sincerely maturely for what it clearly 🕵🏽♂️& truthfully is. My beautiful wife ♥️ says hurt people hurt people 💔 😢 & I say healthy 🌱🏃🏾♀️💡🧗😃💪🏽 people help people 💯.
This is amazing, I feel shame from having an abortion in my early 20s, having a toxic and unhealthy relationship as my first love experience, daddy issues, mommy issues, failed friendships, living with cervical cancer. Just so much for so long but now I am processing it and healing from having it out in the open.
Awesome. I am finally going to have peace. After 20 years of searching what is "wrong with me" - depression? Personality? Inadequacy? Bipolar? Bad luck? People are just a*holes? I'm a reject? Nope. It is this. Aw, man. Almost 40. Better now. I've been working my tail off to figure this out. Geez. Not enough thanks to you both.
Yep. Same, well I feel fortunate to realise that im 28 but I have wasted 5 years of addiction bad relationships and unemployment. I really need a quick fix, you wrote this a year ago how are you doing now? Any tips?
Hey I healed in time, and eating right plus got rid of toxic people Toxic ideas Found and restored relationship with God There are lots of different ways to do it 12 step programmes (but sometimes they can be a drain with negative people) Best of luck any questions or need advice just write here I'll reply
Bring more of these videos on,I think they can be very helpfull in ways having meaning too them going back to past,I feel you have great knowledge about all of this and explain very well
10:32 "If you knew who I really was, then, you would judge me negatively." - I said something similar to my therapist So much of this rings true with shame building from years of sexual abuse, which is seemingly more taboo to discuss than physical and verbal abuse (also got that too).
She is speaking about the narcissist especially towards the end. The narcissist is very shame based but will never acknowledge that about themselves, so they are constantly shaming their target for their abuse. They wear a false mask and it comes off and out on their target. This is what happens when you always lie to yourself like they do and won’t face your own feelings. No one should have to accept another person’s shame. Let them deal with it themselves and stay away from them. Take care of yourself and face your feelings. It’s the better way.
Yes! Yes! Yes! My mother once yelled at me for having been born in the first place, she always resented me for my room and board - definitely have always lived in shame. Thank you for your insights, it truly helps.
my mother shamed me for needing. literally shamed me for the child / adult relationship. she expected me to parent her and when I asked for my basic human right of being treated like a child I was bombarded with direct and indirect shame and guilt. that went on indefinitely and still goes on after decades. I was simply her projection board of negativity. I'm just really discovering this shame core and am hopeful that it can be moved out.
I am so relieved. I have been a toxic person that hurts people who love me for 32 years. I don't know what is wrong with me until you guys articulate my exact feelings. Now I realized I am just human and I do think there's hope.
In middle school I had a crush on this girl, but I have been told that it was a sin to be homosexual. That day on the bus I cried, then later I told my mom I had a crush on a boy so she wouldn't worry about my feelings because I didn't want her to. She would have shamed me for liking a girl because my mother was a Christian. I read the Bible to understand why it was wrong but I never understood it because my feelings were real. Day after day I would be arguing within my head that homosexuality is wrong and I shouldn't feel this way. This is were my toxic shame had started and it had gotten worse. I got really shy and developed social anxiety. I didn't want to interact with anyone because I didn't want to get embarrassed and that's why I just shut my mouth and never talked to anyone. My social anxiety embarrassed me the most when I froze up and didn't know what to say to people. A lot of kids picked on me for the clothes that I wore and how quiet I was. I would always replay these moments in my head and cry in my jacket on the bus, telling myself that I hated myself. In high school it was really bad because i had to get out of this hole that I dug and it was full of embarrassing moments. I'm finally getting the idea that when ever I talk to someone that feeling of self shame goes away and I won't be in my head beating myself up. Now that I now many people go through this it makes me really happy to know that I wasn't the only one.
Harper Kindly it’s so incredibly sad and unfair that a perfectly fine girl had to go through this as if loving or liking somebody is a horrible thing. I was lucky to be born into a family gay men almost outnumbered the heterosexual ones. My dad was rather disrespectful to my maternal uncle because he was gay. Spoke behind his back. My uncle had tons of gay male best friends, one of them had a wife who I suspect was a lesbian. They had kids but they were together for the sake of having kids. This is 40 years back. So yes, I am happy my mum was pretty open about having gay male friends coming to our home. Otherwise I could’ve been on of those very close minded people who very raised to be that way. I hope that in the future gay marriages, openly gay people or non-binary or anything would be something respected by all humans.
Reading this made me realise I wasn't the only one who went through this type of hell, but for me as a gay man. School was hard for me too because it made me shyer and feel more ashamed. I felt like I had to blend in with 'normal' people, and then hide at home because of bad family issues. I'm hoping it gets easier as time goes on. Thanks for sharing your story
tomz1daful ,Sicilians are great on this, girls are controlled and talked down to to, beaten and made to feel like garbage. It's the NORM, I have NC it's anyone of them. Not allowed out of the house and learn to be on their own, no way. It's leads to a long horrible life
We need to take advantage of being locked in due to the pandemic to go inward and heal ourselves mentally, emotionally, physically and psychologically.🙏
Also what we all need to understand is that often due to the severity of the abuse, it is blocked by the brain and stored somewhere in the deep recesses of our mind but unknowingly affects us on the conscious level when we face triggers, similar instances or places or some similarity to the painful buried memory.🙏
This is the most best, most clear description of my emotional state that I have ever heard. I am so glad I found this video. Thank you so much for putting this out.
This is wonderfully detailed and insightful, and I want to add something to the therapist’s point about the ‘primitive’ defence and desire to lash out and shame others rather than confronting our own sense of shame. Shame is often intertwined with anger - an important feeling that we are liable to misdirect broadly towards the world rather than at the perpetrators of our abuse. As I have observed it, the shame spiral can be fuelled by this unresolved anger: self-criticism intertwined with rage that others judge or misunderstand you for the potency of this experience. If I express self-criticism and others tell me to drop it, I simply get pissed off with them, and conclude that they don’t ‘get’ it because they can’t relate to my experience/background. So what I think is: the anger is vital and needs to be validated and understood at its roots, given space to be expressed and resolved in healthy, non-harmful ways.
I believe the time has come for each new parent to take a mandatory "parenting course" before they embark on the process of parenting. The root of most of our problems comes from faulty parenting.🙏As Dr.Casey said if a 3 year old child spills a glass of milk, it's okay. You cannot shame the child for such a behavior. Most parents don't know age appropriate behaviours and constantly pass on wrong messages to the child resulting in the child carrying a "burden" of shame which prevents him from interacting in a healthy way with the outside world.🙏
Thank you. I find that mindfulness and self-compassion are powerful tools to help us change the perspective we have about ourselves (and about the world more in general). Observing our unpleasant feelings in the present moment, whenever they arise, in a non-judgemental and supportive way can give us a lot of strength in the process of healing.
@@eternalchange5496 It takes practice, patience and awareness, for sure. If there’s a trauma trigger (especially from pre-verbal childhood), it may take some time to be able to recognize the shame. One trick I’ve learned is to ask, “Is this shame?” Because our brain can’t ask that question at the same time as it’s shaming us. And have a plan in advance for pulling us back into our thinking brain, away from the shame feeling. Two plans that have worked for me. 1) Ask the shame question above while breathing deeply and wiggling my toes, focusing on how my toes feel for a good 1-2 minutes (or, say, 30 deep breaths, for example). 2) Doing subtraction on paper for a minute or two. (Subtract the number 7, repeatedly, from a number above 100.) Wishing you healing and peace.
@@jinbe-san Try pretending that you are sending a kind, loving feeling towards yourself like you would to a small child. Focus on the feeling rather than the thoughts, so you bypass the need to “believe” anything. One minute can be enough to shift a mood or a feeling state.
I have 5 siblings -- all older -- and they can all be starters on a champion "shamers" team. Wish that things were different but had to make the decision to walk away. Reason, understanding and acceptance are off of the menu. Yes, it hurts, but understanding the dynamic helps you accept that it's all for the better
I walked away from the family too. They were all narcissists so they won’t get better because they don’t want to admit they are ashamed of themselves. They pick a target and vent that way. I was done! You can’t reason with them and they won’t try to understand ever so the thing to do is leave for good.
Toxic shame and healthy shame are two completely different things. Toxic shame is the negative feelings of someone else projected onto and dumped onto a child. The shamer is shameless in doing this. It breaches the child's boundaries and causes the child to doubt it's own worth. It is abusive and makes the child unhappy and insecure and less independent. It gives the shame-er an unhealthy rush of being powerful and 'better than'. Healthy shame is a feeling of 'checking ourselves' that we have when we find that, set against our own standards, we have breached other peoples' valid boundaries or have behaved in a way that is damaging to ourselves. Healthy shame is what we feel independently about our OWN behaviour when we assess our own actions. It allows a child to become more sure of itself and more independent and mature. Children develop this best in a situation where their own boundaries are respected and the see adults treat each other with good regard to personal boundaries (non abusive and equal). Please watch Pia Mellody if you have been given feelings of toxic shame about yourself. All toxic shame comes originally from outside ourselves usually when we are children and arent able to get away from the shamer. We internalise the shamer voice and attitude, and it takes work, support and time to recover. Anger when people shame us is a first step to rejecting toxic shame. If you continue to work on self love and self acceptance in time you will be able to deal with toxic shamers without uncomfortable rage reactions. Good luck with this everybody.
I failed in my first year of college and that setback destroyed me. I could never overcome that feeling of shame and dropped out of college. Even a thought of going to college would paralyze me.
Yes the children of any abuse come with a burden which they carry through adolescence and adulthood. it damages their core self esteem. This is what we need to understand.🙏
And now as an adult I've tried creating a healthy relationship with my mother but it never goes well so I'm done trying. I love her but I'm not going to keep allowing her to make me feel wrong for having feelings
I understand. My mother liked to critise..my dad did..he died and she got worse... There is an older sister of mine who fuelled it and mother said to me she can't see me as my sister will get jealous. I was 33 at the time with young children. Sister 36. Sister got cancer..sister write a horrid letter to me.... Mum had a go at me as my sister said I was rude to her....can anyone relate with toxic sisters???? And my little sister died when I was 11.... It all went wrong from there...the abuse yet I was asking for help........
“Shame is the fate worse than death.” “Shame is a malignancy growing on our soul.” Well said. It is never too late to work to undue the shame we have acquired or passed on to others. With faith, God wipes our slate clean, and he welcomes us home when we turn to him. We need to do the same and forgive ourselves.
In some families the pressure to behave without a mistake is strong and this prevents children facing life situations and give up easily or internalise their failures as that was what the parents taught them in their formative years.🙏
I'm worried by how many professionals don't seem to know the research that there is no such thing as "healthy" shame. Shame is inversely correlated with healthy behaviour. Guilt is very useful though as it is directly linked to good behaviour
Exactly. So many people use the words guilt and shame as if they were synonyms. What I read once was that while all other emotions have a way of channelling themselves. When one is angry, one can yell or through things. When one is sad, one can cry etc etc. When you feel guilty, you can make up for what you feel guilty for But there is no way of channelling shame, no way of getting it out of yourself, also in a physical sense (because every emotion creates certain chemical reactions in the body. So shame just piles up both in the soul and the body like, say, too many drugs would pile up in your organs and ruin you from within. There is no way of losing shame. Whenever you feel it, it stays in you forever. You may learn some copying mechanisms, that is all
healthy shame is like protecting your privacy and what is not appropriate to do in front of others such as pulling on the side of the freeway to pee without looking for a place to cover yourself in or farting in a room full of people. Or picking your nose while your are doing a CZcams, wearing a bra on top of your blouse and going to work like that etc.
Kim Mobey YES. I agree with Brene Brown who says “shame” is never healthy. Another commenter mentioned shame as preventing bad behavior, but NO. That would be avoiding guilt (positive), not feeling shame (destructive).
Shame. How is this something I missed. Isn't that strange? Perhaps because it is brainwashing. Wow. Would love to hear how you are doing now that you wrote that a year ago.
As a transsexual, I know a thing or two about being shamed for who I am. Only now, when my life got all but completely ruined, I am starting to address it.
I’m glad you are addressing it. My partner is FTM. I am heterosexual but he tells me that he has lived in shame and fear his whole life. I hope you are able to heal from toxic shame because no one needs to live life hating themselves. Good luck to you.
excellent advice at end i like the visualisation of walking into a room and imagining the people who really love you are there and see yourself from their eyes
I didn’t have anyone either. Therapists have asked me, as I’m pretty healthy considering . . .So now I pretend there is someone, I imagine a grandmotherly figure. Being white, quiet, shy, and smart as a child made me disappear (as I was already a non entity at home) and not attract attention. No one came to my aid. My family looked normal from the outside. No one then, no one now, but I’m ok and content.
She came to me in the sleeping hours And she sang to me in the moonlight: "Where did you dance when you baffled our chance, And when did the motley bells chime?" I summoned a verse from a chorus of blame, But it drowned in the ghost of her song. He came to me in the sleeping hours And he called to me in the moonlight: "Why does the fold now weep to behold, And how does it feel to be free?" I tendered the words from the tears of the same, But they dried as the dawn came upon. They came to me in the sleeping hours And they whispered to me in the moonlight: "What did you reap when you floated the keep, And whom did you trust with the key?" I buried my head in a cushion of shame - And I woke to find them all gone.
At the core of a narcissistic disorder is core shame - overwhelming shame. Shame is said to be the most unbearable emotion. It is how we feel about ourselves and can be excruciating in its pain. For the narcissist the pain of shame is truly unbearable - so they refuse to acknowledge it. But.. There is Hope, 'Jesus'. He came to Heal the brokenhearted and Set the Captives Free. Isaiah 61.
Being honest with yourself will set you free. Shame cannot thrive when you’re honest. Do honesty, not to be a good person, but because it will set you free from shame.
I was told that I had colic as a child. I realize that it came from not feeling the connection from the adults in the room later I was abused by my mother and have been trying to recover ever since
I think it’s important to remember that shame when healthy is best applied to behaviors and not a person him or herself. Behaviors can be unwanted. People should not be unwanted but their behaviors can be.
Also if the parents are already dysfunctional in their own emotional maturity what can we expect from them when it comes to nurturing a new infant. They pass on all their dysfunctionality to their children in the process of child rearing and parenting. We take parenting for granted that it comes naturally to ever person. NO, the physical part maybe but not the psychological counterpart.🙏
That toxic shame can have past origins And/OR you may be with someone that is toxic and projecting shaming onto you...married into that. I went into Education field. Early childhood education specifically. Married into shaming model.
This woman confused shame with guilt. Guilt is good but shame is never good! You can change behaviours with a little guilt, but add shame and all you have is disorders and depression.
Too often we have heard the saying "Shame on you". "you are shameless". "you should be ashamed of yourself" these are wrong or faulty messages of shame that parent send to their child for just being human. for example a child who inadvertently pees on the carpet
I need help with a situation. Two of my co-workers wanted me to discredit another employee till she got fired because of the things she might say based on some rumors. I refused them and I told them to face her. One of them threatened me with my job. I refused them again. Then they slandered me that I had complaints about the manager's wife. I told the manager this was not true. Then the manager started lying and defended them. Later I learned the manager sexually harrassed that female employee which those co-workers wanted me to discredit. She told me that after she resigned. That was the main reason why the manager was ignoring me. During the curfew, I was working at home and those co-workers mocked me and they wanted me to change 7 days of work catalog without any reason at one of the web meetings. I was being bullied. I quit the meeting, I was so furious. I said, " Screw your work and you all!" then I watched porn from their computer. Later I left their computer in the office when I resigned. (By the way, I had to move my personal pc because I had one desk in my house). The harassed female employee resigned too. Now, I am so ashamed but not from them, from everyone else because of what I did. I made a huge mistake. I don't know if they found out or what but I can't believe I did this. What do you think people, am I a bad person? I did everything right as much as I could do but I lost my temper. I knew that couldn't sue them because I had neither witnesses nor proof. I was so angry because I couldn't do anything.
In the Catholic Church we have a group called "Courage", made completely of gays all over the world. Being gay is not incompatible with being Catholic, so long as you strive for chastity just like everyone else has to. Just like every single person has to abstain from fornication and adultery. There are no extra, or different requisites. The Catechism teaches that gays must be treated with fairness and delicately, avoiding all kind of unjust discrimination, and teaches that sexual orientation, whichever it is, is not sinful on itself. Behaviors can be sinful, not orientations.
If you said this to a straight person - you cannot ever have sex, start a family, fall in love or even masturbate to a person of the opposite sex. On top of that you will also be emotionally manipulated from the pulpit, condemned, humiliated, judged and viewed as something detestable. By your church, family/friends and the world. How many heterosexual people would even attempt to live up to that impossibly high standard and miserable existence?? None!! You see the hypocrascy and ignorance here. We, the lgbtq community are TOLD by 'straight people' who we are and how we should live our lives. Despite the fact they would never be able to walk in our shoes. They used to impose a no sex/marriage rule on their priests and look how that turned out! (another story in itself for the Catholics) Heterosexual people do not even realise their own 'straight' privledge and the damage they do to a lgbtq person. The hypocrascy and double standards in religion is a joke its laughable, how any intelligent person, that remains in an organizational that protects peodaphilles is beyond me . My heart really breaks for my fellow lgbtq when they demean and loath there own beautiful selves because they were told they were less than and believed it! Love yourself!! Would you ever treat a person you love this way? No! So why accept it from your religion or your god!
Wow the power of woman. Take back to the book Genesis 2Ch. where Jehovah God discloses to Adam that he'll be giving him a wife as a compliment of him . Rene Browna woman, this lady, the leading expert on compassion a woman , the leading expert on dignity a woman, pretty remarkable ♥️🕵🏽♂️🌱🏃🏾♀️💡🧗.
i could relate to all your talking about as i suffered many traumas growing up the way being raised never to be forgotten,and so much after that happened being in wrong place at the wrong times never realized where it all was coming from and what it all was about then later on getting all kinds of complications from it like depression,severe anxiety,ocd,social anxiety,addictions,and addictive behaviors,and etc. not knowing what to do,and then comes all the embarrassment,humility,and shame to have to accept,and deal with as now i”am lucky i’ve got it under control, thank you for bringing this video on which might be helpful to many other parents,and people out there thank you,from Denny🦋😇🧩😘😊🥵
Great discussion. DONT LET ANYONE TRY N SHAME YOU!! Half the time those people aren't even aware that's what's they're doing. We gotta know so we don't allow them getting to us💯💯💯
quoted: "Toxic shame is attaching shame to normal feelings... " Very good explanation
Just being a human that really stick with me 🤔
Right... How sad to attach shame to things like wanting love and connection when these things are what ensure survival.
According to whom?
@@amberscottcmt7400 how so?
is it ok to be a white male in our society? no it not, youre called racist and evil
People shame to control. They make you feel bad for expressing yourself
The part about highly sensitive children getting damaged more, and having two faces as an adult, one for the public and one for the private, it hit hard and broke me into tears. :')
Hi, I hope you're feeling so much better today
Shame wants to hide. If you can face it fully it can't hide. You'll find it behind some of your most negative thoughts and feelings
Well said
her description is so precise, it took me 7 years to figure out what's wrong with me. To live with toxic shame daily is unbearable
Maybe the verbiage you use around yourself could be a little better, too. Maybe it took you 7byears to figure out this thing that everyone feels but nobody talks about. There is nothing wrong with you. Your emotions are always valid, but never "bad" or "good". They're just there to point something out for us as individuals to notice.
Wishing you well!
@@tcnotrvlr easy tell than done, there are more in this
toxic shame gave you an identity
@@mikelisteral7863 no
God bless you with a healthy psyche!
Shame was used as a form of discipline. Life long battle but you named it. Thanks.
Sorry young CN accurately that is a toxic relationship and they those are toxic people/folk using those toxic traits toxic behavior in disciplining when disciplining & seeing this sincerely maturely for what it clearly 🕵🏽♂️& truthfully is. My beautiful wife ♥️ says hurt people hurt people 💔 😢 & I say healthy 🌱🏃🏾♀️💡🧗😃💪🏽 people help people 💯.
This is amazing, I feel shame from having an abortion in my early 20s, having a toxic and unhealthy relationship as my first love experience, daddy issues, mommy issues, failed friendships, living with cervical cancer. Just so much for so long but now I am processing it and healing from having it out in the open.
❤️
This is great thank u - the last part about the people who lighted up when we walked in the room - thank u so much for that xxx
Awesome. I am finally going to have peace. After 20 years of searching what is "wrong with me" - depression? Personality? Inadequacy? Bipolar? Bad luck? People are just a*holes? I'm a reject? Nope. It is this. Aw, man. Almost 40. Better now. I've been working my tail off to figure this out. Geez. Not enough thanks to you both.
Yep. Same, well I feel fortunate to realise that im 28 but I have wasted 5 years of addiction bad relationships and unemployment. I really need a quick fix, you wrote this a year ago how are you doing now? Any tips?
@@jayc3141 gooodness. Sandra speaks from my heart... I am 42 now. Finally I see hope.
@@jayc3141 same here, im 27 now. any progress?
Hey I healed in time, and eating right plus got rid of toxic people
Toxic ideas
Found and restored relationship with God
There are lots of different ways to do it
12 step programmes (but sometimes they can be a drain with negative people)
Best of luck any questions or need advice just write here I'll reply
Bring more of these videos on,I think they can be very helpfull in ways having meaning too them going back to past,I feel you have great knowledge about all of this and explain very well
10:32 "If you knew who I really was, then, you would judge me negatively." - I said something similar to my therapist
So much of this rings true with shame building from years of sexual abuse, which is seemingly more taboo to discuss than physical and verbal abuse (also got that too).
She is speaking about the narcissist especially towards the end. The narcissist is very shame based but will never acknowledge that about themselves, so they are constantly shaming their target for their abuse. They wear a false mask and it comes off and out on their target. This is what happens when you always lie to yourself like they do and won’t face your own feelings. No one should have to accept another person’s shame. Let them deal with it themselves and stay away from them. Take care of yourself and face your feelings. It’s the better way.
Yes! Yes! Yes! My mother once yelled at me for having been born in the first place, she always resented me for my room and board - definitely have always lived in shame. Thank you for your insights, it truly helps.
my mother shamed me for needing. literally shamed me for the child / adult relationship. she expected me to parent her and when I asked for my basic human right of being treated like a child I was bombarded with direct and indirect shame and guilt. that went on indefinitely and still goes on after decades. I was simply her projection board of negativity. I'm just really discovering this shame core and am hopeful that it can be moved out.
I am so relieved. I have been a toxic person that hurts people who love me for 32 years. I don't know what is wrong with me until you guys articulate my exact feelings. Now I realized I am just human and I do think there's hope.
search: avoidant attachment style, and codependency
In middle school I had a crush on this girl, but I have been told that it was a sin to be homosexual. That day on the bus I cried, then later I told my mom I had a crush on a boy so she wouldn't worry about my feelings because I didn't want her to. She would have shamed me for liking a girl because my mother was a Christian. I read the Bible to understand why it was wrong but I never understood it because my feelings were real. Day after day I would be arguing within my head that homosexuality is wrong and I shouldn't feel this way. This is were my toxic shame had started and it had gotten worse. I got really shy and developed social anxiety. I didn't want to interact with anyone because I didn't want to get embarrassed and that's why I just shut my mouth and never talked to anyone. My social anxiety embarrassed me the most when I froze up and didn't know what to say to people. A lot of kids picked on me for the clothes that I wore and how quiet I was. I would always replay these moments in my head and cry in my jacket on the bus, telling myself that I hated myself. In high school it was really bad because i had to get out of this hole that I dug and it was full of embarrassing moments. I'm finally getting the idea that when ever I talk to someone that feeling of self shame goes away and I won't be in my head beating myself up. Now that I now many people go through this it makes me really happy to know that I wasn't the only one.
Harper Kindly it’s so incredibly sad and unfair that a perfectly fine girl had to go through this as if loving or liking somebody is a horrible thing. I was lucky to be born into a family gay men almost outnumbered the heterosexual ones. My dad was rather disrespectful to my maternal uncle because he was gay. Spoke behind his back. My uncle had tons of gay male best friends, one of them had a wife who I suspect was a lesbian. They had kids but they were together for the sake of having kids. This is 40 years back. So yes, I am happy my mum was pretty open about having gay male friends coming to our home. Otherwise I could’ve been on of those very close minded people who very raised to be that way. I hope that in the future gay marriages, openly gay people or non-binary or anything would be something respected by all humans.
Harper Kindly, LOVE (or attraction) is NEVER wrong !
Sorry that happened to you. My story is the same.
Reading this made me realise I wasn't the only one who went through this type of hell, but for me as a gay man. School was hard for me too because it made me shyer and feel more ashamed. I felt like I had to blend in with 'normal' people, and then hide at home because of bad family issues. I'm hoping it gets easier as time goes on. Thanks for sharing your story
Me too.
as an Italian, I was raised on guilt and pasta.
tomz1daful ,Sicilians are great on this, girls are controlled and talked down to to, beaten and made to feel like garbage. It's the NORM, I have NC it's anyone of them. Not allowed out of the house and learn to be on their own, no way. It's leads to a long horrible life
tomz1daful my mom still tries to tell me I'm LUCKY that I live in a house
*dying* that was funny.
Rocker Girl That must be very painful, I hope you find the connection that is needed in you’re situation.
tomz1daful
Lol...😂
Oh my god, you’ve put everything I’ve spent 20 years dealing with in a 20 minute video.
This Boi Loves P!nk Really good wasn’t it? This woman is an expert.
We need to take advantage of being locked in due to the pandemic to go inward and heal ourselves mentally, emotionally, physically and psychologically.🙏
ya get stronger, so you stop voting for communism
Also what we all need to understand is that often due to the severity of the abuse, it is blocked by the brain and stored somewhere in the deep recesses of our mind but unknowingly affects us on the conscious level when we face triggers, similar instances or places or some similarity to the painful buried memory.🙏
She shamed me to oblivion, and now I live there.
This is the most best, most clear description of my emotional state that I have ever heard. I am so glad I found this video. Thank you so much for putting this out.
is it ok to be a white male in our society? no it not, youre called racist and evil
This is wonderfully detailed and insightful, and I want to add something to the therapist’s point about the ‘primitive’ defence and desire to lash out and shame others rather than confronting our own sense of shame. Shame is often intertwined with anger - an important feeling that we are liable to misdirect broadly towards the world rather than at the perpetrators of our abuse. As I have observed it, the shame spiral can be fuelled by this unresolved anger: self-criticism intertwined with rage that others judge or misunderstand you for the potency of this experience. If I express self-criticism and others tell me to drop it, I simply get pissed off with them, and conclude that they don’t ‘get’ it because they can’t relate to my experience/background. So what I think is: the anger is vital and needs to be validated and understood at its roots, given space to be expressed and resolved in healthy, non-harmful ways.
I believe the time has come for each new parent to take a mandatory "parenting course" before they embark on the process of parenting. The root of most of our problems comes from faulty parenting.🙏As Dr.Casey said if a 3 year old child spills a glass of milk, it's okay. You cannot shame the child for such a behavior. Most parents don't know age appropriate behaviours and constantly pass on wrong messages to the child resulting in the child carrying a "burden" of shame which prevents him from interacting in a healthy way with the outside world.🙏
Thank you.
I find that mindfulness and self-compassion are powerful tools to help us change the perspective we have about ourselves (and about the world more in general).
Observing our unpleasant feelings in the present moment, whenever they arise, in a non-judgemental and supportive way can give us a lot of strength in the process of healing.
Luca Brambilla, it requires near superhuman levels of willpower, though.
I have a huge problem of believing any kindness toward myself from others and even from myself. I feel undeserving of it.
@@eternalchange5496 It takes practice, patience and awareness, for sure. If there’s a trauma trigger (especially from pre-verbal childhood), it may take some time to be able to recognize the shame. One trick I’ve learned is to ask, “Is this shame?” Because our brain can’t ask that question at the same time as it’s shaming us. And have a plan in advance for pulling us back into our thinking brain, away from the shame feeling. Two plans that have worked for me. 1) Ask the shame question above while breathing deeply and wiggling my toes, focusing on how my toes feel for a good 1-2 minutes (or, say, 30 deep breaths, for example). 2) Doing subtraction on paper for a minute or two. (Subtract the number 7, repeatedly, from a number above 100.)
Wishing you healing and peace.
@@jinbe-san Try pretending that you are sending a kind, loving feeling towards yourself like you would to a small child. Focus on the feeling rather than the thoughts, so you bypass the need to “believe” anything. One minute can be enough to shift a mood or a feeling state.
@@jinbe-san You might also search for videos on “loving kindness” meditation.
Toxic shame is like a disease. We can pass it to our own children and people we care about if we’re not careful.
its a suggestion. you take the suggestion because you want an identity
I have 5 siblings -- all older -- and they can all be starters on a champion "shamers" team. Wish that things were different but had to make the decision to walk away. Reason, understanding and acceptance are off of the menu. Yes, it hurts, but understanding the dynamic helps you accept that it's all for the better
That's unfortunate. But it is what it is.
You don't have to choose. You can learn to set boundaries with them and also take some courses on how to be more assertive.
I walked away from the family too. They were all narcissists so they won’t get better because they don’t want to admit they are ashamed of themselves. They pick a target and vent that way. I was done! You can’t reason with them and they won’t try to understand ever so the thing to do is leave for good.
New Left No, some families need to be left behind. They are that toxic. Especially if you are the scapegoat.
I love this. It's hard hitting but true to me. I dont want to transfer to my kids my behaviour. It's a generational curse
is it ok to be a white male in our society? no it not, youre called racist and evil
Toxic shame and healthy shame are two completely different things. Toxic shame is the negative feelings of someone else projected onto and dumped onto a child. The shamer is shameless in doing this. It breaches the child's boundaries and causes the child to doubt it's own worth. It is abusive and makes the child unhappy and insecure and less independent. It gives the shame-er an unhealthy rush of being powerful and 'better than'. Healthy shame is a feeling of 'checking ourselves' that we have when we find that, set against our own standards, we have breached other peoples' valid boundaries or have behaved in a way that is damaging to ourselves. Healthy shame is what we feel independently about our OWN behaviour when we assess our own actions. It allows a child to become more sure of itself and more independent and mature. Children develop this best in a situation where their own boundaries are respected and the see adults treat each other with good regard to personal boundaries (non abusive and equal). Please watch Pia Mellody if you have been given feelings of toxic shame about yourself. All toxic shame comes originally from outside ourselves usually when we are children and arent able to get away from the shamer. We internalise the shamer voice and attitude, and it takes work, support and time to recover. Anger when people shame us is a first step to rejecting toxic shame. If you continue to work on self love and self acceptance in time you will be able to deal with toxic shamers without uncomfortable rage reactions. Good luck with this everybody.
I failed in my first year of college and that setback destroyed me. I could never overcome that feeling of shame and dropped out of college. Even a thought of going to college would paralyze me.
Yes the children of any abuse come with a burden which they carry through adolescence and adulthood. it damages their core self esteem. This is what we need to understand.🙏
And now as an adult I've tried creating a healthy relationship with my mother but it never goes well so I'm done trying. I love her but I'm not going to keep allowing her to make me feel wrong for having feelings
That's tough. Bet a lot of people can related to that. I hope your boundaries are working and you're finding out how amazing you are.
That’s rough, man. I think you should tell her how you feel. But you have to do what’s best for you.
My mother was the same way. I wasn’t allowed a feeling, thought, want, need, anything of my own. I left the family and all is better.
Sometimes even our own family can’t have have a front row seat to our lives. Hope you’re doing well.
I understand. My mother liked to critise..my dad did..he died and she got worse... There is an older sister of mine who fuelled it and mother said to me she can't see me as my sister will get jealous. I was 33 at the time with young children. Sister 36. Sister got cancer..sister write a horrid letter to me.... Mum had a go at me as my sister said I was rude to her....can anyone relate with toxic sisters????
And my little sister died when I was 11.... It all went wrong from there...the abuse yet I was asking for help........
Yes this is so true. Parents besides perpetrators of child abuse pass on shame messages to their children unknowingly.🙏
Dr.Casey is very knowledgeable and her clarity on the subject is admirable.🙏
“Shame is the fate worse than death.” “Shame is a malignancy growing on our soul.” Well said. It is never too late to work to undue the shame we have acquired or passed on to others. With faith, God wipes our slate clean, and he welcomes us home when we turn to him. We need to do the same and forgive ourselves.
In some families the pressure to behave without a mistake is strong and this prevents children facing life situations and give up easily or internalise their failures as that was what the parents taught them in their formative years.🙏
I'm worried by how many professionals don't seem to know the research that there is no such thing as "healthy" shame. Shame is inversely correlated with healthy behaviour. Guilt is very useful though as it is directly linked to good behaviour
Exactly. So many people use the words guilt and shame as if they were synonyms. What I read once was that while all other emotions have a way of channelling themselves. When one is angry, one can yell or through things. When one is sad, one can cry etc etc. When you feel guilty, you can make up for what you feel guilty for But there is no way of channelling shame, no way of getting it out of yourself, also in a physical sense (because every emotion creates certain chemical reactions in the body. So shame just piles up both in the soul and the body like, say, too many drugs would pile up in your organs and ruin you from within. There is no way of losing shame. Whenever you feel it, it stays in you forever. You may learn some copying mechanisms, that is all
Helen Golovin shame can be released. It is energy. You just need to know how.
healthy shame is like protecting your privacy and what is not appropriate to do in front of others such as pulling on the side of the freeway to pee without looking for a place to cover yourself in or farting in a room full of people. Or picking your nose while your are doing a CZcams, wearing a bra on top of your blouse and going to work like that
etc.
I don't understand the healthy shame concept. I look at guilt as something I did wrong vs Shame as I am wrong.
Kim Mobey YES. I agree with Brene Brown who says “shame” is never healthy. Another commenter mentioned shame as preventing bad behavior, but NO. That would be avoiding guilt (positive), not feeling shame (destructive).
Awesome..finally getting to the bottom of things
Okay - weird - check out my comment I just wrote. Lol! Wow!
Shame. How is this something I missed. Isn't that strange? Perhaps because it is brainwashing. Wow. Would love to hear how you are doing now that you wrote that a year ago.
As a transsexual, I know a thing or two about being shamed for who I am. Only now, when my life got all but completely ruined, I am starting to address it.
Same here I'm ftm. I have addictions :( I need a quick fix.
I’m glad you are addressing it. My partner is FTM. I am heterosexual but he tells me that he has lived in shame and fear his whole life. I hope you are able to heal from toxic shame because no one needs to live life hating themselves. Good luck to you.
Good to hear. I hope you can grow to love yourself more
This video was so amazing it really helped me see things in my childhood that shaped how I interact with people on a daily base
"Toxic shame often happened of demanding to be perfect." Asian parents ftw
My parent wanted me perfect so she could brag to her family friends how much I earn etc
Two beautiful ladies sharing wisdom - it can't get better.
If that’s true, we are fucked as a species.
Very good descriptions. I like clear concise examples and this video nails it.
This was a good discussion.
Thank you for this information ❤️🙏 This is Spot on! Hit the nail on the head!
My personal notes:
0:34
1:30
3:05
6:30
9:30 ❤️
13:50 ❤️
15:45
18:09
20:00
23:55
24:51
Thank you Dr.Carolyn for such valuable content.🙏
excellent advice at end i like the visualisation
of walking into a room and imagining the people who really love you are there and see yourself from their eyes
I can only think of my dog.
I didn’t have anyone either. Therapists have asked me, as I’m pretty healthy considering . . .So now I pretend there is someone, I imagine a grandmotherly figure. Being white, quiet, shy, and smart as a child made me disappear (as I was already a non entity at home) and not attract attention. No one came to my aid. My family looked normal from the outside. No one then, no one now, but I’m ok and content.
Very helpful! Thank you
Great video on shame. Thank you
Thank you. I wish you both the best.
Last words were beautiful. We need to make people our mirror who lives is the most😇
wonderful and very helpful. thank you for your honest directness :)
She came to me in the sleeping hours
And she sang to me in the moonlight:
"Where did you dance when you baffled our chance,
And when did the motley bells chime?"
I summoned a verse from a chorus of blame,
But it drowned in the ghost of her song.
He came to me in the sleeping hours
And he called to me in the moonlight:
"Why does the fold now weep to behold,
And how does it feel to be free?"
I tendered the words from the tears of the same,
But they dried as the dawn came upon.
They came to me in the sleeping hours
And they whispered to me in the moonlight:
"What did you reap when you floated the keep,
And whom did you trust with the key?"
I buried my head in a cushion of shame -
And I woke to find them all gone.
At the core of a narcissistic disorder is core shame - overwhelming shame. Shame is said to be the most unbearable emotion. It is how we feel about ourselves and can be excruciating in its pain. For the narcissist the pain of shame is truly unbearable - so they refuse to acknowledge it. But.. There is Hope, 'Jesus'. He came to Heal the brokenhearted and Set the Captives Free. Isaiah 61.
Being honest with yourself will set you free. Shame cannot thrive when you’re honest. Do honesty, not to be a good person, but because it will set you free from shame.
I was told that I had colic as a child. I realize that it came from not feeling the connection from the adults in the room later I was abused by my mother and have been trying to recover ever since
Thank You. Great Series. Really Beautiful Work - Helpful / Positive / Inspirational, and Motivational Insights.
Uplifting. (and timeless!)
Thank You.
Thank You Carolyn Phelps :-)
This was a very very welcome video.
valuable insight
I think it’s important to remember that shame when healthy is best applied to behaviors and not a person him or herself. Behaviors can be unwanted. People should not be unwanted but their behaviors can be.
Thank you so much for this video. I really needed it
Your welcome
“Regular good old shame”😂
Thankyou
Also if the parents are already dysfunctional in their own emotional maturity what can we expect from them when it comes to nurturing a new infant. They pass on all their dysfunctionality to their children in the process of child rearing and parenting. We take parenting for granted that it comes naturally to ever person. NO, the physical part maybe but not the psychological counterpart.🙏
lived this my whole life changes gonna happen god willing
Thank you
This is great I learned a lot
awesome talk. helped me a lot
Roots of my social anxiety thanks to my parents
That toxic shame can have past origins And/OR you may be with someone that is toxic and projecting shaming onto you...married into that. I went into Education field. Early childhood education specifically. Married into shaming model.
Jean Laubenthal Yes, the narcissist will project their shame onto you. That’s how they don’t deal with it.
You should shed a little light on your scenography! Lol! Great subject, great guest by the way!
This woman confused shame with guilt. Guilt is good but shame is never good! You can change behaviours with a little guilt, but add shame and all you have is disorders and depression.
L V Or many people turn their shame into narcissism, the worst mental/spiritual disorder out there.
Too short. Make a longer video and really flesh-out strategies for dealing toxic shame
TriniDiva SD Be grateful for what you got!
Too often we have heard the saying "Shame on you". "you are shameless". "you should be ashamed of yourself" these are wrong or faulty messages of shame that parent send to their child for just being human. for example a child who inadvertently pees on the carpet
Can you spell out the guest's name please? Casie Gladd? Does she have a book?
Mary Casey Ladd, MSW, LICSW, LMFT www.duluthfamilytherapy.com/
Thanks
Meditation
what is the name of the guest? I'm trying to look for her work but I don't see the name. She said Casey Glad? but nothing comes out under that
Red rose For you Her name is Casie Ladd, you may be able to look her up in the info provided in the video. 😊
Where is the idea if you soeak your nind. Why does it set you free?
Or when you are punished when you do want to go to people who abused you in every perspective!!!!
Such interesting conversation!
Um, um, um, um. want to hear more um?
I need help with a situation.
Two of my co-workers wanted me to discredit another employee till she got fired because of the things she might say based on some rumors. I refused them and I told them to face her. One of them threatened me with my job. I refused them again. Then they slandered me that I had complaints about the manager's wife. I told the manager this was not true. Then the manager started lying and defended them. Later I learned the manager sexually harrassed that female employee which those co-workers wanted me to discredit. She told me that after she resigned. That was the main reason why the manager was ignoring me.
During the curfew, I was working at home and those co-workers mocked me and they wanted me to change 7 days of work catalog without any reason at one of the web meetings. I was being bullied. I quit the meeting, I was so furious. I said, " Screw your work and you all!" then I watched porn from their computer. Later I left their computer in the office when I resigned. (By the way, I had to move my personal pc because I had one desk in my house). The harassed female employee resigned too. Now, I am so ashamed but not from them, from everyone else because of what I did. I made a huge mistake. I don't know if they found out or what but I can't believe I did this. What do you think people, am I a bad person? I did everything right as much as I could do but I lost my temper. I knew that couldn't sue them because I had neither witnesses nor proof. I was so angry because I couldn't do anything.
Good video....why would you 'need' a glass of wine?
Lynn Durbin 😂 and some pot
Because you’re not a judgmental asshole?
The abortist interviewer trying to push her agenda that "it's an okay choice to abort" and the psychologist not having it was awesome! Love it!
i really appreciate the effort but this lady is not - to put it nicely - particularly well spoken
In the Catholic Church we have a group called "Courage", made completely of gays all over the world. Being gay is not incompatible with being Catholic, so long as you strive for chastity just like everyone else has to. Just like every single person has to abstain from fornication and adultery. There are no extra, or different requisites. The Catechism teaches that gays must be treated with fairness and delicately, avoiding all kind of unjust discrimination, and teaches that sexual orientation, whichever it is, is not sinful on itself. Behaviors can be sinful, not orientations.
If you said this to a straight person - you cannot ever have sex, start a family, fall in love or even masturbate to a person of the opposite sex. On top of that you will also be emotionally manipulated from the pulpit, condemned, humiliated, judged and viewed as something detestable. By your church, family/friends and the world. How many heterosexual people would even attempt to live up to that impossibly high standard and miserable existence?? None!! You see the hypocrascy and ignorance here. We, the lgbtq community are TOLD by 'straight people' who we are and how we should live our lives. Despite the fact they would never be able to walk in our shoes. They used to impose a no sex/marriage rule on their priests and look how that turned out! (another story in itself for the Catholics) Heterosexual people do not even realise their own 'straight' privledge and the damage they do to a lgbtq person. The hypocrascy and double standards in religion is a joke its laughable, how any intelligent person, that remains in an organizational that protects peodaphilles is beyond me . My heart really breaks for my fellow lgbtq when they demean and loath there own beautiful selves because they were told they were less than and believed it! Love yourself!! Would you ever treat a person you love this way? No! So why accept it from your religion or your god!
Difficult to understand; too much stuttering, broken sentences and half-thoughts. Very annoying.
Totally agree. Seems like they are guessing or making shit up. Which, in fact, they are.
All of the “ums” really make it seem like you don’t know what you are talking about, or just making shit up.
Wow the power of woman. Take back to the book Genesis 2Ch. where Jehovah God discloses to Adam that he'll be giving him a wife as a compliment of him . Rene Browna woman, this lady, the leading expert on compassion a woman , the leading expert on dignity a woman, pretty remarkable ♥️🕵🏽♂️🌱🏃🏾♀️💡🧗.
i could relate to all your talking about as i suffered many traumas growing up the way being raised never to be forgotten,and so much after that happened being in wrong place at the wrong times never realized where it all was coming from and what it all was about then later on getting all kinds of complications from it like depression,severe anxiety,ocd,social anxiety,addictions,and addictive behaviors,and etc. not knowing what to do,and then comes all the embarrassment,humility,and shame to have to accept,and deal with as now i”am lucky i’ve got it under control, thank you for bringing this video on which might be helpful to many other parents,and people out there thank you,from Denny🦋😇🧩😘😊🥵
Thankyou
Thankyou