My Sex Drive Is WAY Higher Than My Husband’s (Can This Still Work?)
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- čas přidán 7. 06. 2022
- My Sex Drive Is WAY Higher Than My Husband’s (Can This Still Work?)
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She mentioned talking with family and friends about it; I would feel so embarrassed if my wife referred to me as vanilla to people with whom we spend time.🙄
Yup. Talk about an erection-deflate-er!!!
well her husband is probably a beta, and she is trying to push him away most likely so she isn't looked at as the bad guy bc she wants to be dominated and end her marriage.
@@johnsmith-kt7ef
I cringe at anyone that unironically uses "alpha" and "beta" to describe people.
@@yingyang7448 yep! Too much Kevin Samuels & Fresh & Fit fan boys 🤣
Reality is he sounds kind and respectful toward his wife. Lots of women would prefer that type of man versus one into BDSM,which is on the ladder of abuse, no matter what people say. It can be a form of abuse.
Doesn't seem like a sex drive issue, but a mismatch on sexual preferences.
Yup!
1000000000000%
I have the same condition as her, the surge in testosterone causes a high libido, sex more often. The issue is frequency & preference in that couple and in myself too.
I don't think it's sex drive or preference but likely trauma or abuse she's experienced in the past whether she remembers it or not. Even a minor, negative experience can be suppressed and forgotten but the spirit remembers it and will internalize the trauma which will manifest in other ways
Yep. I found a girl with the same drive as me, and it was so heavenly I married her. Our sex life is still amazing after 8 years together. My first wife and I were on different planets in that department.
My guess is that the ‘vanilla’ ‘boring’ ‘same old same old’ guy ALSO provides her with a lot of stability, fidelity, security and comfort in her every day life. You have to take both sides of the coin.
If only these emotionally stable men were willing to choke and spit during intercourse lmaooo 😂
Some people just want it all ❤
EXACTLY
@@amyeastman8764 none of that provides her with one of the most important things we need, satisfying our natural biological sex drive
Right, it's not like this just happened. She married the guy. She knew what she was getting.
@@Daniela-pr7rzdefinitely important, but most important? I'm not sure, but that's an interesting point you've made
I like how she referred to her "needs" but her husband's "wants"
2:15 prices that incorrect
It would pay for you to actually listen and pay attention rather than just make inaccurate jabs 🙏
Her husbands needs are already being met hers are the ones that aren't. Don't be so pedantic.
She literally talked about her husbands “needs”
The lady needs serious psychological help. If it was man, the doctor would not be hesitant to say that to him.
She is going to end up cheating on him.
💯 agree… or probably already has .
@@crystalglopez91623 I would bet she has; poor clueless husband is putting himself at risk for an STD.
Or making him a cuck
No going to about it . A woman as frustrated as she sounds would have already cheated and justified it .
Sounds like they already explored open relationships
Hey, It's not his sex drive, he might not be into the stuff you're into and that's ok.
Don't make fun of him and call him "vanilla" because you're into some hard core stuff.
Spot on. No one should be pushing another person into what is physical assault in their mind.
If you take the BDSM quiz the term is actually "vanilla." It's not an insult, it's a level (very low level) of interest in BDSM.
@@frankie9953 right..
She seems very controlling, condescending and narcissistic to me. She also lacks boundaries. I honestly can't stand this person
@@veracityhunter7777 Ding ding ding!
Ok, she says he has learned to do the things she asks him to do. But, she wants him to WANT the same sexual things as her, and that’s probably not going to happen.
Nope.. that is an extreme difference right there… it’s been 10 years… not going to happen
Right. We have 2 separate issues here…
She’s sexually frustrates because 1. She has a much higher sec drive & 2. Her sexual desires & fantasies are far different from his.
I almost feel like they need to be addressed differently.
I clicked on this solely for the higher libido issue & his answer (which was great) was geared towards her specific desires. 😓
its not. no matter how hard one can try. its not gonna be hot enough dude
I can't imagine my wife complaining to another man about our sex together
He's a therapist not an affair partner.
They all do... Amonghts girlfriends. You should know that. Women are also SO MUCH MORE graphic than men are in their descriptions...
@@ElimEx1most women are not… at least in my experience. Here in the Midwest women would rather die than talk about their sex lives
@@emilyszymanski Wow, that surprises me a lot. Is it because of the religious repression? Culturally repressed people do have different ways, especially if it's based on fear.
You'd rather she keep it to herself and be miserable?
This is one of the rare times I've ever seen John completely miss what the woman wants. She's not looking for more sex. She wants a more physically dominant sex partner. Some women are turned on by experiencing their partner's physical strength and their capacity for "controlled aggression" in a safe environment. There's nothing wrong with that.
Perfect description.
I she wants a fantasy that is not realistic and only comes from harmful videos.
She a hoe who slept around before marriage and now has all these expectations of her husband, he can’t compete with 30 other men who probably did the most vile things with her.
Daddy issues
@@xrespeckx7129It's not related to body counts just biology some women have higher sex drives maybe from evolutionary prospects because they want a lots of babies
Am I the only one who thinks hitting your spouse, choking, bruising, causing pain is inherently wrong?
No
I don’t know much about that world, but it seems like treading a thin line. Plus I bet they have to keep raising the bar to find satisfaction.
BDSM is about more than hitting, choking, bruising and causing pain.
It's first and foremost about power play, which doesn't inherently mean causing pain.
My husband and I for example, spar often. He's 6' 220lbs and I'm 5'7" 155lbs, I know he's physically stronger than me and that he could easily hurt me if he wanted to, but I know he never would maliciously, and so we'll spar to gauge both our strengths and as a way to see where each other are at physically/asses each other's form.
There *have* been times that I've gotten hurt or bruised, but I also get bruised from him tickling me because I'm anemic, but that doesn't mean I want him to stop tickling me just because it causes bruises.
It's about mutual consent, communication and trust.
@@nt3833 Not necessarily. There are many ways to practice BDSM that aren't *raising the bar* as there are many ways to include the same preferences in different scenarios without those scenarios being inherently more intense.
It's also about creating an environment, as Dr. John said, rather than limiting yourself to specific things to fill that need.
Nerd lmao
This topic needed to be discussed before marriage. You can’t make someone desire, like, or enjoy a sexual act they are not into.
Interesting you should say that as Ramsey Solutions probably wouldn't support sex outside of marriage. But how do you know what you want sexually if you've never had sex?? It never made sense to me. And this call is a great example of how everyone is not sexually compatible. You can't force yourself love vanilla or BDSM. And if your sex life isn't great, your relationship suffers for sure.
I just think about how many women would love to have some kind and gentle during sex probably most women.
@@sarahcox9734 sex is wack anyway
Yea but sex drive ebs and flows. Her sex drive may be high now but not in 5 years. Keep an open line of communication.
@@sarahcox9734People who had sex before sex also divorce bc.of sex problems.
It has NOTHING to do with his sexual desire, testosterone levels, or attraction to her. At the (2:10 mark) she said that she's into BDSM (bondage, discipline or dominance and submission, sadomasochism). His sexual abilities might be great but she's into stuff that most of us aren't into at a high level.
she is his first partner and she is into hardcore bdsm, lol they couldn't be more miss matched in the sexual department.
there are many more people into this than you think. I spent years repressing my desires, after my last wife left me I vowed not to have a relationship that was vanilla again.
I’m just like her
She is about to get herself into a lot of trouble. If she divorces him to find a BDSM partner, she is going to get exactly what she looks for and let a good man go to replace him with a man who is comfortable hitting women. .
@@sueblack5794 I think you are not into the scene because you have no idea what you are talking about.
most of the men in the scene, treat their subs far better than most husbands treat their wives. just because they like to be whipped or spanked doesn't mean the Dom's abuse or would ever truly hurt their partners. it's about power, this the name. dominance and submission
try not to talk about what you don't know.
Too bad for her husband. She's already put him into a box, the "regurgitated vanilla" box, and the only way he's going to get let out is that he conform to her desires.
Does that sound healthy to anyone?
Too bad.
But I think he nailed it - romance, intimacy and sexual preference are not the interchangeable phrases.
no
I have PCOS and I totally get where she is coming from. My husband supports me by doing things to satisfy my cravings. He always complained he couldn’t do things because he doesn’t want hurt me. You both have to meet half way though. You have to give him that slow intimacy he desires and he can give the intense intimacy you desire. I guarantee the man that might be the same level as you, will not meet your other wants in a spouse. No relationship is perfect but you have to grow with each other❤ don’t give up. We’re together 18 years.
The root cause of PCOS is insulin resistance / high blood sugar. Excessive sugar causes growth hormone which causes the cyst. Get on a very healthy ketogenic diet with lots of vegetables and within a very short time, your PCOS can be healed and things will begin to balance out. I learned this from a doctor who does medical research on the root cause of illnesses rather than prescribing drugs for every patient with a symptom.
Tell your husbands to increase their T levels too. Sounds like low libido men is an epidemic
My wife has PCOS (I understand about the testosterone aspect). Unfortunately, I guess my wife isn’t feeling that. I wish she felt the level of desire described on this video for me. It makes me sad that she does not.
This is true but will give more information. PCOS is caused by excess adipose (fat) tissue. Most people don't know this but fat tissue converts testosterone to estrogen which suppresses a hormone called FSH which converts testosterone to estrogen. Therefore the body is creating too much testosterone without converting it to estrogen. Testosterone is a sex driving hormone which is the symptoms she is having. It is associated with insulin resistance due to high BMI (>30)
1. First line treatment is lifestyle modification and losing weight. Almost all patients fail this
2. Metformin - increases insulin sensitivity. It is known to help reduce weight
3. Oral contraceptives (OCP) - suppresses both testosterone and estrogen producing hormone called GnRH
- The issue with PCOS is that it causes infertility due to the "polycystic" formation of PCOS. There is tons of cysts in the uterus and thus woman have trouble getting pregnant.
@@mochatheaustralianlabradoo7316 100% incorrect! My wife has PCOS and has a high level of testosterone, and is very naturally thin. In fact, PCOS is actually a huge advantage to us, as her sex drive is insanely off the charts, and even higher than mine. And my sex drive is high. Peacock can be a godsend to men in the bedroom. You just have to balance life and look at the good with the bad.
She has him so defined as "vanilla" how is he ever going to make it work. It's like coaching a ball player while repeating over and over "nope, you don't have the skills"
just isnt compatible thats all..shes always probably wanted this but was to ashamed to find the guy that could give this to her.
Exactly. I don't know a world where being called vanilla is a GOOD thing 🤦🏻♀️😞
@@starlingswallow damn sometimes i wish i could be like yall vanilla folk..but im not wired that way
She hasn't defined him as anything, "Vanilla" is literally the term used in the sex industry to define someone who is only into conventional sex with 1 partner, she did not come up with this term.
@@johnlopez7412 Of course it's defining. If a person calls their car "a lemon" it's defining and an industry term.
I have a similar situation with my husband but Ive had to learn to calm down and allow God to be the fulfillment and satisfaction in this area because I have an insatiable sexual appetite and my husband could go through life without it, if he were catholic he could be a priest. I have to give it to God otherwise, I am tempted and it goes down a dark road if I don't. The Lord gives me a peace about it that I can never have without Him.
That is the reason lovers were invented
That is the reason why historically, monogamous relationships did not exist. An imaginary friend in the sky will not help biology. What you need is someone to match your wants and needs. Talk to your partner and find a lover ASAP before you start hating him for it.
Listening to this episode, I realised why I like listening to this podcast - it makes me feel that my mariage is not that bad. There are people out there who have real issues....
The facial expression on John's face is HILARIOUS. 🤣
Ya never know - his wheels might be spinning
Dr. Delony is so personable . He takes a very difficult subject to discuss and gives such a fresh perspective! Really enjoyed his response and analogies on this topic…
I wish I could find a therapist like him.
After one minute of listening my diagnosis is: “she wants to hear someone tell her she should leave because she wants the reassurance.”
Best advice I've ever gotten. Since this area of your life is so important to you, its best to call it. Love is great, but if half of your needs are not being met, then love it not all you need.
Love is all yoy need but sadly some have to learn that the hard way
I've dated a woman like this and it lasted 3 weeks. I ran my ass in the other direction so fast.
She's turning 30
She's evaluating what her next 10 years would be like.
Dr. John, you are the man! Just had a hearty laugh at...'he can put your hand on your hip and you feel like it's on now!"
Why don't people talk about this stuff before marriage? I am religious, walking the walk and also single. I do what to get married, so I'm dating, but not sexual active. I do have frank discussions with the guys I date to see if we're a match in that way. I had one guy who goes to my church who I'd had a crush on for years. We went out a few times and had talked about sex. He was into the same things as the lady caller. I am not. I told him that we could be friends but not compatible that way, and if we lived in the same state as a good friend of mine, I'd have set him up with her, because she is into it... nothing wrong with asking questions. It's better than a lifetime of frustration. Just me mindful when you ask.
Yup ask ALL the deep and sensitive questions! They NEED to be discussed
A good thing to remember tho, is that preferences change and married sex is for growing together. If you're looking for someone who has all the same sexual preferences as you, you could be looking for forever.
In my opinion, if it doesn't go against the word of God then give it a try. If it makes you a little uncomfortable at first, visit it at a different time. Understanding sex before you are married and have never done it is almost impossible. It's an intimately beautiful thing made by God, for a man and wife. It's not just for procreation.
Just my thought :) good for you for waiting for marriage, my husband and I did as well and it is so beyond worth it. But we grew together, and things I thought in my dating life that I thought I wouldn't be in to, are things he is into. And when I see how happy it makes him when I do certain things, its a great feeling! Or things I assumed he would be into, but he isn't, it's just all a learning curve that should only be pursued in marriage.
Hope that makes sense
Good for you for knowing your boundaries and not apologizing for them
Agreed. Also, she said they were together for several years before marriage, sounds like she knew he was “vanilla” when she married him. My guess is her pcos got worse due to the usual suspects: worsening tolerance to sugar, carbs, and stress. It sounds like the box she put herself in is the perfect self-fulfilling prophecy: stress make me produce more testosterone due to my pcos, testosterone raises my sex drive, my husband likes vanilla sex(that I knew in advance), I constantly tell people about my horrible unfixable situation, the more I think and talk about it the more stress hormones I release, the higher my testosterone gets, … and around it goes.
@@johnbcampise that was very well said
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As someone who is married to a vanilla person, I can tell you after 23 years, it doesn't get any better.
Sex, like technology, is a challenge for some people. No matter how much you explain it to them, show them, etc. unless something in them changes, they will always struggle to be good at it.
It leads to frustration, disappointment and eventually throwing in the towel because it's not worth the effort. I wish I had better feedback.
You sound like a very selfish person who only cares about whatever weird fetish you're into and satisfying your needs. You realize most people like vanilla sex right? I feel bad for your wife. Just wow.
It can get better in time, but it takes both parties bing open minded and comfortable enough to tell their partner what they really like. It took me 5 or 6 years to get there with my partner.. but once we got there it was like a whole new level of fun.. and frequency.
@mylesgray3470 depends on what they like though. Some stuff is just too weird like I had an ex who wanted me to choke her and pull her hair and I refused. It still has to be within reason for it to eventually work.
@@GG-vq6ro Yep, my lady wanted that too. Felt uncomfortable and wrong at first but got used to it. Turns out a lot of ladies are into that. I had no idea till she told me..manny years into our relationship.. 😮
@mylesgray3470 I'm glad it worked out for you guys! I personally couldn't get into it but not everyone is compatible like that. I guess I'm just vanilla but I'm with a woman who's the same now so it's all good.
Listen to the beginning of the call...."my husband wants to try to be down to the party". That's not a closed door. Caller.... you're experiencing hormonal issues as it relates to your dx of PCOS. This is something new in your ten year relationship and he doesn't quite know what to do with that. Be patient. Start small. Keep talking. Keep up the romance. You say you don't want to leave him over this. That says a lot about the depth of your relationship. You love each other. Be patient. Y'all are gonna be ok.
I love Delony's analogies!
It took my husband and I over 20 years to really connect on a complete other level intimately. I was late to the party on this one but don’t think I could have tapped into this before unless I had learned to control my thoughts and anxiety better. As I’ve gotten older, I have lightened up and not been so serious.
I read that book and it was full of great info and ways to look at things. It helps see how other people react and see things. It's great insight.
I can find it, how do you spell it?
PCOS doesn't cause increased sex drive in women. Women's response to testosterone much different than men. In fact, there are studies to suggest that PCOS women have decreased sexual satisfaction. The decreased sexual satisfaction may be the behavioral/mental exploration into BDSM. This is more related to behavior/psychology versus biology.
the spectrum this gentleman covers is refreshing
Dr.Phil with the hair
Honestly I think this is a case of true sexual incompatibility. As someone who comes from the BDSM lifestyle, there are very few people who are actually into it. And you can’t force it. Vanilla is not an insult, it’s just a word to describe someone who’s not kinky. I’ve seen it tear marriages apart. They won’t last
The root cause of BDSM obsession is likely from past trauma, abuse or self degredation/low self esteem whether she knows it or not or remembers it or not or whether the abuse was a one-time occurrence or lasted years. Sorry but wanting to be hit and slapped around to that degree during sex is completely unhealthy and abnormal no matter what anyone says
@liveyourlifeextra4576 and ita very unhealthy if your desire for sex ruins your marriage.
There will always be sexual incompatibility in marriage. That is if the marriage lasts any amount of time. That's why it can't be manditory.
She is on the verge of cheating because her needs are not being met.
i know, and as much as ppl wanna lye to themselves, sex is so important. and then wen yall are old, u can share memories of those crazy times. i think connection matters tho. cuz u could still be sexually different from ur companion but the connection is still there so u can tolerate the vanilla. idk. been thru that. was blissful at the time…its a conglomeration of it all. you dont want that bdsm stuff with someone u dont feel connected to. in conclusion, connection matters…..
This is fascinating call. Thanks for sharing Dr. D!
They been married 10 years n she must have been feeling like this the entire time. Most times it's best to just keep looking until u find someone you are completely compatible with. She looked past their incompatibility because she likes who he is as a person. Yet she's trying to change him into something he's not.
What I want to know is how she still feels this intensity of lust after 10 years!
They play this channel off as being a Christian channel but it's obviously not based on these comments. Many comments on this channel reveal that the listeners here believe that having sex before marriage is ok. How are you going to know if you have a high sex drive if you are abstainate because you follow Jesus. We live half way Christian lives. We are pathetic. What am I even doing watching this stupid channel?
People aren't static. People CHANGE. That includes your appetites, be it sexual or otherwise. You can keep searching for that perfect compatibility but, News Flash: It's never going to happen. You can get married 50 times, you will never find it. You can have something close to perfect compatibility but it's infantile to think you can have a tailor-made spouse or partner. People are complicated. The secret thing is the hardest thing, which is commitment, even through the changes. And that takes character. The good news is that you can change for the better too, not just for the worse. Just talking in general, not you personally. Trust me, you can have a high sex-drive now, but that can peter off or disappear. Illness, hormones, age, an accident that changes everything, etc. Everything winds down. That's a law of nature.
@Vic82toire I actually agree with this. Thank you for you insight. The biggest thing is commitment, and constantly waking up in choosing your husband/wife.
Nobody is listening to the show? Really John I watched one today and I’m addicted already 😮😅 completely hooked
It's a joke he always mames
You can't force someone to be into that. That is on the extreme end of things. Everytime I have seen BDSM referenced it completely turned me off. That is why I never got into the Fifty Shades of Gray craze. Being hit and humiliated just don't turn me on🤷
Same as how people would stay in abusive relationships where they would be hit out of anger, people who sexually enjoy pain usually equated sex or relationships with pain as a child. People flock to what feels familiar to them.
BDSM is not just hitting and humiliating. Is that one aspect yes, but there’s many different types of bdsm. Some are way more tame and are just a way to spice up the sex life. Think handcuffs and teasing with a feather or something, that can be considered BDSM.
@@nickhamerlynck7919 right.
Same, I've never been able to read any book with it. It sounds stupid and weird to me.
so you're an anomaly, 50 shades of gray didn't sell 100+ million copies for nothing, 95% of women (normal women) like those things, if you don't you're ill
I can sympathize with this caller so much. She would be a perfect partner for me. Unfortunately my wife after having 3 kids is on the precipice of being asexual. I want BDSM as well but she cannot stand it. She will tolerate vanilla but it is only a 'duty' to her and she is not into it at all. I've tried to spice things up in other ways (non-kink) and she had no interest at all. Having sex with her makes me feel even more disconnected due to her response to it and i have stopped initiating. We have had a sexless marriage for 8 years now. Its my fault for not bringing this up when dating but I was ashamed of it and my wife is the only long term relationship ive ever had. It sucks... it really sucks.
Life’s short move on
Women's sex drive is based around connection whereas men's sex drive is based around fixing a problem or completing a task as a team.
Look up Chris Williamson's podcast with Roy Baumeister about the female sex drive.
I'm sorry for your losses
Have you tried romance and taking a break from the kids
I would say talk about it, and see if divorce is an option.
Bdsm is something u have to ease ur partner into slowly but it can definitely happen if she is willing
I met my husband & we had sex sometimes 7 times a day...we’re now married with 3 kids, one being an infant & we had sex 3 times yesterday. But we’ve also gone a week before from being so tired & busy...then right back at it because we love that time together. You have to find someone on your level.
A whole week, gee. Congratulations, certainly, but your situation is so rare.
I'm sorry, my lady parts need to recooperate...sometimes I think differences in ahem anatomy can play a part in this... I cannot imagine having sex with my husband 7 times a day...no amount of lube is going to save me from the trauma that would cause. 😮
@@CrystalM1917 absolutely!!! I’ve given birth 3 times and the stretch after segs still gets me. Multiple times a day… I’d feel like I was prolapsing.😮😂
I can only imagine all the yeast infections.
I guess, y'all are just having animalistic sex and not soulful sex. Welp, everyone is unique. But, that's too much for me.
She should read "Conquer Me" by Kacie Cunningham. It may help.
For people talking about BDSM like it's abuse, it's not. It comes in many forms and usually the main component is some type of power exchange, not necessarily any type of pain.
This is the definition of never satisfied. Seems she was plenty happy the first time they went out, 5 years of dating and then AFTER the marriage she decides she wants more. Be careful of what you wish for.
Yeah, contemporary society really messes with people's heads and gives them a distorted view of what intimacy and love is.
I agree with you, contentment is not for every one( I guess) - a person will never satisfied with any thing without it.
As someone with a high sex drive as well I had to find a guy who would meet those needs and I did! I’m not into fetishes but sex for me everyday or at least every 2nd is perfect for him and I! You gotta figure out your sexual compatibility with the person your shacking up with for life. Yes, there will be days or weeks were for whatever reason, you may not get around to each other, for each other, but at least you both know what drives you both when you do get together. I wish this couple the best!
This sounds disgusting. The way your relationship is described feels like an experiment
Hell yeah. Life is too short to be unhappy and too long to be sexually dissatisfied
Same, my man's sex drive matches mine. Or else, it wouldn't work
Wtf are you talking about hahaha
@@ahmorgannot at all sexless Marriage is a thing. It’s awful reality but it DOES happen. To be with someone for the rest of your life that doesn’t match your needs in the bedroom, is a form of abuse. God calls us to fill each other’s needs or your spouse will be in jeopardy to commit sin . Both have to please
She will probably cheat a few times before leaving him.
Sure she has already
She's already cheated emotionally, wishing he was somebody else.
This problem wouldn’t be happening if they had just been honest with themselves before they got married.
It's more of a her problem that he has to figure out. She needs something he can't deliver but he's a provider type..what do you do?? Maybe he will let her have her needs met outside of the relationship like a proper cuck
Dang, that's one lucky guy, I wish I could find a girl like this. One in a million for sure.
Glad i wasn't the only one thinking that! 😂
That’s crazy cause my husband hates that I want to have sex all the time
Are you a real girl or just a guy pulling my leg? 🙃
She wants bdsm sex all the time. Thats a turn off
The reason good women cannot find a good man. He's tied up
Literally.
I'm the same it's so frustrating sometimes and we have children so this is something I need
I’ve dealt with this a few times in past relationships and from what I know It’s just naturally built in me. It can be very frustrating though and broken up some of my relationships because we weren’t the same page in that area… unfortunately it happens bc IT IS IMPORTANT, at least for some people it is! ❤️
STOP. CALLING. HIM. VANILLA.
It's disrespectful and rude. I don't know if you realize this but this is *damaging.* Cut that crap out. Your husband has different things that he likes sexually and that's OK. You calling him vanilla is invalidating _him_ and what _he likes._ AND, who he _is._ I'm surprised John didn't call you out on this. (I'm at 12:33, maybe he gets to it)
How would you feel if your husband came on this show and called you slutty or weird for having the preferences YOU have?
Intimacy is about give and take, it's about meeting each other, journeying into and exploring the things each of you likes!
This is triggering for me because my ex was into similar things. He called me boring and vanilla and refused to have sex in any way except his way. I am a romantic, I like things slow but also fast and passionate, but humiliating him and being rough with him didn't come naturally to me and made me uncomfortable but it was made worse by him not including my bedroom likes. I would have enthusiastically joined him in his likes if he hadn't excluded my sexual wants and needs completely.
Are you giving him what he needs, too? Or is this the only way you can receive pleasure?
💯Maybe he thinks she’s a crusty 304; how would she like it if he call her that? It would be equally rude/disrespectful.
She is not being disrespectful, that is literally the word used to identify someone who is only into traditional sex with only one partner, for example if you are hanging out at an orgy or a swinger party if you don't want to participate or get hit on you would have to communicate you are "vanilla" and everyone will leave you alone and respect your privacy. It is a communicative word its not meant to be disrespectful
@@johnlopez7412 vanilla means your boring wdym. So it is disrespectful
@@juanfelipe1530 that is your personal definition of it(and most people in this thread), in any sex environment it means what I said, you can look it up and everything 🤷🏻♂️
I find it ironic because vanilla is made using an exotic orchid's "bean" which has to be hand pollinated and picked. Then processed for weeks and sometimes months then steeped in alcohol for at least a few months. Vanilla in real life truly is anything but boring or watered down.
INCREDIBLY helpful!! Thank you!!
She wants a gentleman in the streets and a freak in the sheets!
No less than some men want from their women.
Sex has become so twisted and perverse. I really don't think that BDSM is what God had in mind when it comes to sex.
Agreed, people get twisted in there lusts and desires and dont humble themselves,you have sex to procreate in marriage, you keep things as holy as you can and god will bless you in other ways🙏
Man, I can completely relate to this poor woman.
I'm not a woman with this condition, but get that line about a simple touch and the skin to skin contact setting you on fire...but the hard part is when you are absolutely engulfed in flames everytime your spouse lays a hand on you, but you can't see so much as a spark in their eyes.
I'm going on 23 years of marriage and like her could never leave because it would hurt too much, but staying and staring at the ceiling for weeks at a time waiting for 5-10 minutes of barely interested muted box checking off a list barely a sound with not so much as a kiss before during or after sex hurts just as much.
Plus is all other areas she's amazing...! Life sucks, and then you die right?
Good luck lady, you sound like you need all you can get! And the world is short on it, trust me!
Get fucking rid of her. Deal with the pain. Be a man
I just realized there’s a Johnny Cash album behind you, awesome!!!
I hope he doesn't change himself for her.
i was like her, my wife is very traditional and its been very hard to get her to be more sexual. with that said, the more i've watched this show over the year almost every time someone has been molested as a child or abuse it has been because of they come from a broken home. so i rather have a vanillas sex life if it means my children will have both parents.
As a woman that comes from a very traditional family, I could advise you to talk about this with her. A honest conversation and open one.
Wow. A man of honour and commitment to family. Great job prioritizing the wellbeing of your family over sexual desire! It will profit your family many times over, I’m sure!
🙌
It is interesting how some people are willing to commit to "traditional" and "vanilla," but then get dissatisfied over time because of unspoken or unmet expectations.
You got a point
For some reason I believe this woman is very demanding and she keeps putting her husband down everyday. That is not how you seduce a man… sorry
It would be really cool to run into Dr. John at a heavy metal concert 🤘
It’s not higher sex drive, she said BDSM which means “bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism”
Yep; she is a freak in the sheets and he is, using her words, vanilla.
Her MIND is NOT normal.
Gross! How is this a marriage?
Yeah, she should have said it differently. Highs ex drive is wanting sex a LOT. Bdsm is a fetish.
She said she has the same testosterone as two men combined
Men have to practice selfcontrol all the time. Welcome to the club
This is the difference between friendship and romance. They love each other on an emotional level and tried to ignore they're better off as friends.
In the end sexual compatibility and libido similarity is REALLY important to the long term success of any relationship. I think people are naive for ignoring it.
If you act like a big baby, yes, sexual compatibility is important.
Come on, man, people who like BDSM have issues. But they won't address it because God forbids to accept that a certain sexual preference is problematic.
Any normal sexual compatibility issue is resolved by talking with your spouse and make your spouse happy in all the other levels of life.
@Saurian - If you're a man saying it doesn't matter, I'd actually recommend getting a blood panel to check all health markers and the endocrine system for testosterone levels.
Not having a strong libido and enjoyment of a healthy sex life as a man can be an indicator of poor health, low test, depression, etc.. Healthy masculine men are designed to be sexually driven.
@@ryandeffley7652 Except I never mentioned libido...
@Saurian - You said sexual compatibility isn't important, which implies that sex in general is a low priority to you. That speaks for itself as you having a low libido.
@@ryandeffley7652 You have a problem. Considering some other of your comments on this channel about porn, there is nothing else for me to say.
I understand where the caller is in life. I had a girlfriend who had a similar hormone issue which gave her a rocket libido. Sex was excellent but out of the context of marriage and commitment it took me on a roller coaster ride that got real crazy. This woman seems to have a better handle on where she's at and is committed to the man she loves which makes a huge difference. Honestly mostly my drive is much higher than my wife who prefers "vanilla sex" . It's difficult for a person who enjoys sex and isn't bound with too many hang ups to be vanilla and always reserved.
She said she's not going to leave, but I wonder, when you call JD on a national platform, you're already two steps down that path.
She also avoided the question when first asked and didn't answer until Dr. John pinned her down on it.
I just want to know how can you get married without this coming up as a potential problem.
Neo, Because you can't know what medical problems or injuries can appear in later years.
We are all one major spinal cord injury or traumatic brain injury away from completely changing our capabilities and personalities in this arena.
Because the other person can “trick” you in the beginning 😩
@@janwells2199 She said she is always been this way correct? Why is the extreme case used as an example, that is not the case here.
Particularly when sex is so central to one of the partner's interests. They've been together for 10 years?! Something's missing.
Guys, she is not calling him vanilla as an insult. Vanilla is a term used in the BDSM world to describe people who are NOT INTO BDSM. It is NOT an insult!!
Regurgitating vanilla? If I was a guy and my wife emasculated me like that, I think I would probably run too.
Bdsm is sick. And wrong.
But it is.
Thats false, vanilla means basic boring missonary sex. There is many kinks and fetishes way worse then BDSM and those are no way vanilla just because its not BDSM.
Pooping on your partner is not bdsm and i sure wouldnt say its vanilla
Hmm, vanilla is an insult, no matter who uses the term. Just because someone doesn't have increased desire when someone tries to control them or "tease" them with sadistic or masochistic actions doesn't mean they are plain. It means they aren't turned on by anything other than actions that show love and tenderness. They don't seem compatible, in either of their extremes.
You know, making fun of his "vanilla nature" isn't going to get you s**t in terms of actions. You don't get a man tickled by putting him down, and some people are absolutely turned OFF by any semblance of being ab*sive towards-or ab*sed by-the person they're supposed to love the most.
(sorry for the *, but yt is comment censor happy).
Yes. Guys are very sensitive. Probably a good thing she likely already communicated with her husband about bdsm and the terms used like vanilla.
Fellows appreciate your defense that also don’t understand. But it’s a bit misguided.
@@daegrun Your comment is hard to understand. Speaking from experience... I used the term vanilla with my husband a couple times and that KILLED the vibe. I'm speaking from experience hoping other women know joking around about it will just kill intimate vibes.
Your third sentence is just wonky, what if it was "Probably a good thing *he* likely already communicated with his wife about bdsm and the terms used like vanilla". To my knowledge, women can feel bad about their performance or desirability as well, and be uncomfortable with certain "kinks"
When you learn where each other stands you have to work on compromise, not just constantly teasing and putting down thinking that will get you your way. Some people will never be comfortable with BDSM, but they might be willing to be a bit rougher. But telling them they're boring or vanilla will do nothing but decrease intimacy altogether.
There's practical, physical, and spiritual aspects of a relationship. IF any one of these facets are lacking, the relationship is not viable.
This gal needs to grow up a bit. He is trying and it isn't enough for her. I have PCOS, we can manage it and not be run by our hormones.
What about the needs of her husband? I think that’s important. He’s not comfortable with the bdsm; it’s not that they’re not having sex which doesn’t equate to a “low sex drive”. Sex is a basic building block in a relationship. If neither of their needs are being met, the marriage will not have a foundation to stand on.
Wow, I learned so much!
The way she talks about her own husband is really kind of sad to me. She talks as though HE is the problem and emasculates him by her constant use of “vanilla”. She’s coming at this from a very selfish standpoint. Truthfully, I think there’s a deeper issue than her hormones that plays into her desires.
I wouldn’t be able to accommodate her; I am too vanilla to smack my wife around. It would be interesting to know what types she dated in the past.
Imagine if a man called in acting like he DESERVES more/better/different sex. This caller's relationship isn't going to make it.
I agree.
John didn't ask once if she is meeting HIS needs.... hmmmm.
@@SalisburySnake could you imagine a guy calling in saying I like the rough stuff and I wanna smack my wife around but she's not into it. Lol that would be irony at its peak
She obviously makes him feel IN A DE QUATE
I heard so many stories of spouses in her position who actively find other partners to do these things with. I feel like this might be the path she's going down, but I hope they can make it work... she's so sexually charged and "in need" of this experience 😕 my husband is also very sexually charged and has shared with me some taboo desires of his. We're working through but it's really hard bc it's who he is and I am the way I am. You can't just change, it takes a while to dig deep into it and try figuring out how to make it work. It's a long process.
What taboo desires he has?
For 2 people who are this sexuality incompatible, why or how did they think this relationship would work??
He doesn’t need therapy or medications. She needs to chill out about what she “needs”. Her use of the word need worries me.
Why haven’t they discussed the role of her polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) that has resulted in hyperandrogenism, a medical condition caused by high levels of androgens (in her case, testosterone)? PCOS is a metabolic, endocrine and reproductive disorder not universally defined, but the most common symptoms are irregular or irregular absent periods, ovarian cysts, enlarged ovaries, excess androgen, weight gain and hirsutism. Associated conditions include type 2 diabetes, obesity, obstructive sleep apnea, heart disease, mood disorders, and endometrial cancer.
Absolutely no insult intended…….Perhaps he has a difficult time being dominated by a (possibly) hairy, overweight woman? She mentioned medication(s); however, I wasn’t sure if she meant for him or for her. Symptoms of hyperandrogenism in women can be throttled back a bit with birth control pills or antiandrogens, such as cyproterone acetate or spironolactone. He may have entered the relationship, and then marriage, thinking that as she aged and took medication, her sex drive would mellow out a bit. I hope they can figure this out without either one of them sacrificing this crucial element of their relationship.
Your use of the word "worries you" worries me. All she said was she likes her husband and wants to try something spicy.
@@trianglesandsquares420 your worry about me worries me.
My ex wanted sex 3-4 times a day, almost every day of the week. For a while that was fun, as one might imagine, until I realized this was like a thing that didn't go away. It very quickly devolved into me getting her off and feeling absolutely nothing at all, and even her forcing me into things that I was definitely not with. Hilariously enough, my first wife never wanted sex. So I went from getting it like 4 times in 7 years, before getting cheated on, to getting it four times a day. What this experience has revealed to me is that life is a sick joke. 100%. P.S: I was also molested as a child, and by a teacher during my school days, so bonus points for added bullshit. But I'll tell you this, I will never marry or sleep with another person again for the rest of my life.
I'm sorry that this has happened to you and even though you are done with romantic partners I hope you find someone or someone finds you where you will understand and match with them. Wishing the best for you brother
:(
Please get therapy & spiritual counseling.
@@PinkRose0910 Nah, I'm good. Men heal by doing, not talking, and I've seen what I need to see about female nature. I'm in the lane for career and artistic success now - grinding in the dark for decades - so I'll let the trash take itself out. Only God is good. And He alone is my keeper and counselor. Not man. And certainly not woman.
IT really up to her IF it is going to work or not. When I was on bioidentical hormones.....I wanted sex every single day. My husband is older (76) and has ED and cannot have penetration sex. He wants to but his body cannot. I was climbing the walls for years. I was badly temped but did nothing about them. Ultimately I came to realize that I wanted sex with my husband. But even more I wanted to stay married more than I wasted divorced even though he cannot be sexual. It was my choice to stay or go. It was my choice to have an affair or not. In the end I chose not too. My choice.
Her is even worse, he can have sex she just wants BDSM! Smh
Sorry
You said he wanted to but his body could not. A dildo probably could. You guys couldn't come up with alternatives to insert Tab Into Slot B?
I’d have a side man
Could he not do other things ?
This girl is on fire.
Dr D handled this pretty well I think
Delony: noone is watching
Me:👀
I was thinking that too! Hahaha
She needs therapy not him 🤦♀️ Poor guy 🙈
Nothing more exhilarating than knowing John might come to see me playing a metal show in Nashville 😂
This is why the Bible says don’t sleep around before marriage that’s why these issues come in to play she’s been ran through by the streets and now she thinks he’s boring
I can’t imagine how hard this must be. I feel for them both.
I feel for him, she's a freak. No offense
@@williamdacosta9026lol you need to get out more
She's nuts thinking that anyone can force someone to enjoy certain past times in the bedroom! She's kinky and her hubby isn't! WOW 😳 why do I start thinking about her wanting multiple partners and her hubby doesn't... I would understand why he wouldn't! WOW
Hey,...people do listen to this show lol geez John give yourself some credit! 🙄😊 Awesome advice and recommendation.
These are the sort of things to discuss BEFORE marriage.
Sex is important but It's a small amount of the time you spend together. If he's willing to learn & meet you halfway, you should do the same & just accept that no person is going to be everything you want! Will he be faithful, will he be a great provider & father, will he take care of you should you become sick & not leave you for a younger, better-looking woman? If he's a good man another woman will gladly have him and she'll be sorry!
brilliantly put
You cannot learn to be a dom (dominant partner in a BDSM relationship). You either have it in your personality or you don`t. You have to learn how to do it right when you have the desire to be like that, but you can`t learn to be like that. She needs to find a professional dom just for that stuff, have vanilla sex with her husband and finally be happy with the relationship and her sexlife. I think it`s cruel to try to push somebody to try this when somebody is not into it.
@@anthill1510yeah cuz 9/10 times, someone who is vanilla DOESNT know wat THAT is and it cannot change. idk, i mean if she loves him, she shouldnt leave him but i think attraction is important. thats like 60% of marriage is sex…
sex is everything in a marriage, even if its for .2 seconds. if its good, its good and the marriage will last a fuckin lifetime all because of those little seconds. those .2 seconds wont have him looking at ANY YOUNG GIRL. its a kind of decor and glue for a relationship. thats my bias
Honestly if they’ve already talked to a sex therapist and it didn’t work then they need to take a step back from trying to fix their the sex life. A failure to connect on a sexual level can unnecessarily damage the non-sexual aspect of the relationship… and the other stuff arguably matters more.
Take some time away from all the sex stuff and make sure you’re still emotionally and intellectually connected and have recovered as a couple from that blow…. Otherwise you may lose the emotional/intellectual connection too.
If he is so “vanilla”, he may be turned off by the BDSM stuff and it is affecting his drive.
@@David-wo9un 100%. And the fact that it’s THIS important to her and he can’t provide it is also likely effecting his self esteem at this point too. I mean, if the constant message you’re getting after sex is that you’re a failure, why would even bother after a point?
Sex is important in a relationship, but it’s no where near the end all be all and it’s never worth sabotaging the emotional connection between a couple for it. And it sounds like her husband really tried.
She needs to let it go for a while … maybe a few years down the road they can try again.
been ran thru damaged beyond repair shaming & embarrassing hubby in every way
Wife and I are the opposite. My drive is ridiculously high and hers not quite as much. But I have learned to deal with it without sacrificing peace.
I'll say this, calling in to a show with thousands of listeners to say her husband is vanilla and same old same old probably does not help her case. Even in private, saying it that way us a good way to turn him off. She should consider better wording when talking to him about it. Ten years of issues wrapped in a 15 minute phone call, though, so who am I to talk.
i think she was trying to be careful with her words a little at first, but he encouraged her to not hold back..
I’m sure her husband knows and understands because vanilla is an actual term for sexual style in that community The exception is just you and others with a tiny…ego that feel the need to divert it to her word choice rather than still frankly her issues. But the word choice wasn’t one of the problems.
Side note: “vanilla” doesn’t make you less of a man. So don’t worry, Colin. You’re fine. No need to be butthurt.
He did choose her though and with this being said then he should learn his spouse. Just as she should learn her spouse. He needs to understand that it's a language, community and lifestyle. She needs to understand that he is unaware of these things and that he has taken it as an insult. So basically they should have communicated better before marriage. Which is both of their fault and nobody else's. 😊
If I was her husband, I'd run. She sounds to me like someone who gets bored quickly in the bedroom. She'll find "A" satisfying for awhile and then it becomes vanilla and needs to raise the bar to "B". Then that becomes boring and vanilla and she'll need "C". I just don't see this ending well.
And I may be wrong, but she sorta sounds passive aggressive???
Just because someone likes to have sex alot doesn't mean that they don't deserve love. Or to be chastised and belittled by society. What if you eat like a cow and everywhere you go someone is making fun of you for it.
@@Confessions089 There is a difference between not deserving romantic love and not being capable of it. I'd argue that without some help and therapy, she would fall in the latter.
She sounds like she's already thinking about an affair, and the poor dude sounds so wholesome and innocent that he probably has no idea it is coming.
Why is this reminding me of the movie, 'Chasing Amy'?
Love that movie..
men are usually always being blamed for thinking about sex all the time or more than women. Turns out some women think about it just as much or more than some men.
Yup it happens although not as frequent
But that percentage is quite low.
@@richardv9648 I hear it's 20% of relationships. So it's less, but it's not uncommon. I'm the one pestering my husband, lol.
@@richardv9648 Lies, I think of sex a lot. A lot of women do but we don't talk about it.
@@sueblack5794 . . . or act on it either.
My sex drive is pretty high but if she started mentioning bondage, I'm out
Why not if your partner asks for it? I know I don’t like papaya because I tried it. Didnt know I liked mango until I tried it.
@@joyaustin6581 because it imitates abuse and rape. Why would a man want to be with a woman who fantasies about being abused and raped?
That's extremely messed up and these people need some serious help for their perverse minds.
@@vesselfit2use there is a whole world of fetishes that both genders engage in.
@@joyaustin6581 and all of their foundations are perversion.
Dude.. that's one of the top fantasies for women.
I swear... I'm getting a bit of a crush on Dr Delony. Such a cool person!
She sounds awesome