Avoidant Personality Disorder & attachment styles
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- čas přidán 10. 12. 2023
- In this video I discuss attachment theory as it relates to my experience with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I give an overview of attachment theory, describe the 4 different attachment styles, and which one I feel is more relevant and applicable to those of us with AvPD. Thanks for watching.
Also, someday I'll figure out how to light myself better without so much glare on my glasses but I can't stand looking at my face without them so they're back for good hahahah sorry, you understand.
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I’ve just realized how isolated I am right now-I had to dig deeper into my past experiences to relate to this video.
And I think that the reference to this specific comfort zone we have with people really hits home. I would not say that we hurt them that much because of this, maybe only in terms of very close relationships like with partners, but not acquaintances. After all, we do have to watch out what we are sharing with others. Or maybe I am on guard for some reason today 😅
Individuals with AvPD are usually really polite and well-behaved. Maybe even too much? We demand more studies and fairness for those dealing with AvPD!
Thanks for this video! It describes me as well and with a fearful avoidant attachment style. If someone clings on to me it repels and scares me.
3 things we have in common now, INFJ, avpd, and fearful avoidant... coincidence? 🧐 thank you for the video. it's helpful to hear from someone with the same confusing ass attachment style
You know what they say… disordered minds think alike 🤪 hahahah
i live in germany and i think that the term for avpd here really drives this home. what i was diagnosed with would be literally translated into "anxious/self-unsure avoidant personality disorder". very specific and less confusing in this context :3
*self-insecure ;)
@@verfassungspatriot THATS the word i was looking for! thanks 😊
Interesting
Very interesting. I think "Evasive" Personality Disorder could work as well. And I do think "dismissive" attachment style makes more sense than avoidant anyway.
These attachment styles theories confused me a bit😅 did not know what kind I’ve had. But I do know I have avpd and dpd. I hope I will once have secure attachment. That would feel like such a relief, not being scared all the time something could go wrong. I have heard many people with insecure attachment observe how other people do it in relationships, and try to copy them or their own fantasy.
Another great video! I recognize the disorganized attachment style in myself, swapping between anxious and avoidant. Objectively, avoidant seems accurate, but the reason for not contacting others is fear of bothering them/having nothing to say that interests them. In my Nordic language, the name of AVPD is actually anxious personality disorder. I think it is kind of fitting.
Attachment theory, aka atachment styles, is a subject I've had much interest in for the past couple of years of my almost entirely introspective life. Heidi Priebe's CZcams channel is an excellent resource in fleshing out in much greater detail the extent of these states, though I think you did the understanding of them no disservice in your explanation. Further content on the subject would be welcome from you as well, as multiple perspectives, if nothing else but from experience, can prove useful in further understanding such interpersonal models of explanation.
Strangely, while this disorder is mostly internal and therefore not as obviously disruptive, I’ve definitely caused a lot of pain in my past relationships from an over the top freeze response during conflict or being needed emotionally. I always felt like the guy in the relationship because of this. Some of my girlfriends would complain about their men and I’d be thinking omg that’s me 🤦🏻♀️😔But at the same time feeling SO needy inside and just unable or unwilling to show it.
Yuuup I’m gonna make a video about the freeze response soon too because that’s my M.O.
I say in this video that I’ve only ever dated men with avoidant attachment but that’s actually because the one guy I dated with anxious attachment (later diagnosed with BPD) made me freak out and bail within like a month. 😅 I hurt him big time, and I feel awful about it.
@@anxious_and_avoidant - I feel the regrets... both-ways (as a primarily anxious, yet sometimes avoidant -relationships) Ooops, so sorry! The avoidant seems more aloof, and preserved, yet they are both, hugely, intense! perhaps, we can accept, by proxy, those intended apologies, to those of our respective pasts - who we've hurt... Also, I think BPD, is closely related - it's one, of a few, I've had to look into, for myself... Cheers-
I literally just got diagnosed with both independently. I 100% agree with the theory
Totally agree with you. Although when you talk about keeping people in that 'safe' middle ground, I think that shifts for each of us. I try to keep everyone in the ball park of they see me as very friendly and happy to help, but not someone they would call to go out or want to just drop round. This was the communication tends to not be too long and not go deep and meaningful about ourselves. This way I do not stress so much about what I said and how they took it etc afterwards, as there is less chance of me making a mistake and hurting/upsetting them etc.
For me, I have only really wanted to find one person who I can totally accept and fully trust and marry her, then I can just be 'friends' with her friend's/ their partners ie not really friends at all, just people I see at times.
One thing about borderline personality disorder is that the person can be a 'quiet' borderline which means that rather than lashing out then hurt themselves, emotionally and or physically rather than taking their anger out on others.
I think that the quiet borderline does have some overlapping issues that we can have, like self loathing etc.
Anyway, another great video, thank you for the time and effort you put into them. I could never do it as I would be too worried about what people would think, so I think that you are amazing in that you are able to make them. By the way you do a great job and have nothing to worry about.
Thank you, and I completely agree with “quiet” borderline, it’s on my list of comparison videos to make because I do think it’s quite similar.
I too have spent my whole life focused on finding *one* person that will fully get me and meet all my social needs. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s ever going to be healthy for that person, so it hasn’t quite worked out that way lol. But I guess that also makes sense in the way that I’ve always dated the “avoidant attachment” partners that are made uncomfy by being relied on too much for emotional needs. 😅 It’s all a mess, all so contradictory as usual hahahaha.
@@anxious_and_avoidant
If only life was simple :)
You do not need to answer, but how does your relationship with your current partner compare to others? Again, only respond if you want too. I it just you said you have only every dated the same type of bloke.🙂
Well, to be fair, I’ve only seriously dated 2 people since The Narcissist (lol) in my late teens, including my current partner. Both relationships had/have extremely similar patterns caused by my AvPD (and disorganized attachment) and their personal traumas (avoidant attachment). The main difference just being that I’m older now, understand myself (and the dynamics of the relationship) better, and am more aware of what’s underneath the issues at play. But it’s still not easy… my low self esteem still bleeds in, even after many years together, and both of us having avoidant tendencies in the face of conflict is a constant struggle too. 🤷🏻♀️
I know some people with AvPD think finding a romantic partner would solve all their problems, but it really doesn’t lol. It just adds another layer of responsibility, trying not to drag them down with you. 😅 At the end of the day, we have to heal ourselves (or at least be actively trying) to make good partners - and the same is true for anyone who has unresolved trauma, unhealthy coping mechanisms, etc.
@@anxious_and_avoidant
Yeah, any relationship is hard, but I heard a good bit of advice, that may help you, have a time to sit down and say how something made you feel, rather than saying I hate it when you do X or Y. You can say, when you did X it made me feel sad. This way you are not saying what they did was good or bad, just how you felt. So it is a lot less confrontational. It works for good things too.
So I do not know if it would help but you could fix a time each week to sit down and say what things in the relationship that have recently happened affected your feelings.
You've given me a lot to think about. I think I'm probably disorganized too. I can definitely b clingy but also i can feel freaked out about emotional intimacy
All of us with avpd issues need to get together and study ourselves and put together a “scientific” study (and take all the credit ourselves) because no therapists out there can help 😆
I have FA to the degree I’m not even putting myself out there anymore . But , my goal now is to just push through this avoidance to just do normal socializing again .
I think you nailed it; that last attachment style is so AvPD it hurts! I'm exactly the same way, or I was--wanting closeness, but being so scared of being truly seen.
For secure attachment style, though, one important nuance I think is often misunderstood: it doesn't quite mean being equally happy in or out of a relationship. The main difference is that a person who securely attaches knows that a bad relationship is worse than no relationship, and will leave their partner if it's the healthy choice. Studies show secure attachment between two people actually fosters independence, paradoxically, because you've found that secure base you know you can always come home to. You're emotionally safer anywhere you go.
Hi, I love your videos and listening to your stories helps me feel like I can connect with someone. I really identify with you and with avoidance disorder. Have you ever heard of complex post traumatic stress disorder? I'm seeing about it and I think that somehow they can connect in some people.
I'm from Brazil, and a student of Neuroscience. A big hug.
Yes! I haven’t made a dedicated video about it yet but have mentioned in passing that I actually believe all personality disorders are likely different manifestations of CPTSD. There is an incredible amount of overlap for AvPD specifically 👌🏻❤️
Sou brasileiro também, faço Ciência da Computação e sonho em cursar Neurociências um dia. Sobre o CPTSD, realmente é muito parecido com o AvPD, inclusive é uma fonte ótima pra quem tem esse transtorno, o livro de Pete Walker é muito bom e me ajudou/ajuda muito na minha vida. Acredito que isso se dá porque esse transtorno é resultado de experiências traumáticas contínuas, o que se conecta com o CPTSD. Pete até cita Borderline como um polo extremo da resposta "Fight-Fawn", salvo engano. AvPD tá mais próximo do "Fight-Flight", talvez. É um recurso ótimo pra quem tem AvPD, já que a gente não tem muita pesquisa relacionada a esse transtorno.
@@willarddossantos1739 - Translated, by machine: _"I'm Brazilian too, I study Computer Science and dream of studying Neuroscience one day. About CPTSD, it really is very similar to AvPD, it is even a great source for those who have this disorder, Pete Walker's book is very good and helped me a lot in my life. I believe this is because this disorder is the result of ongoing traumatic experiences, which connects with CPTSD. Pete even cites Borderline as an extreme pole of the "Fight-Fawn" answer, unless I'm mistaken. AvPD is closer to "Fight-Flight", perhaps. It's a great resource for those with PDP, since we don't have a lot of research related to this disorder."_ 👍 Obrigado! Companheiro amigo! Obrigada-
imagine forming relationships lol
😅❤️🩹 I think my ADHD helps me to form them (with people in my immediate proximity, like coworkers) but maintain them??? Impossible. lol.
What's so funny? lol???? It's not funny!!!😮
also, i feel like you could *technically* apply the attachment styles to all clusters, not just cluster c with avpd. like, cluster a does sound like an avoidant attachment style, because with those pds youd rather depend on yourself and be away from people. cluster b *does* sound like an anxious attachment style because here youre basically constantly starving for people to be close to you. and you already mentioned the similarities between cluster c and disorganised/anxious-avoidant attachment. i might be totally off, and i dont think it fits perfectly as nothing seems to, but its just a little snack for thought C:
Definitely some correlation I think!
I would like to thank you for this valuable information and , my experience was close to that throughout the last 6 years that I lived, and as a 21-year-old person, it took a long time from my life until now, as I thought it was just depression. But after re-researching these topics, I discovered two days ago that I suffer from this, especially the type that is a combination of fear of criticism, anxiety, and staying away from relationships for fear of pain. Thanks to your videos,Now I have more information about myself, and I am thankful and appreciative of everything you do, (as a someone who is going through With the same experience or less than what you have), it is really brave to make videos about this case🌹🌹🌹
I really want to know whether treatment via CBT really works?? Should I go through it?
And Is there a way to relieve the symptoms? ...as your experience miss
With all my love and respect 🌹
I wish I had an answer, but I haven’t really had access to therapy for long enough at any given point to know if it works. I’m kinda trying to “talk therapy” *myself* through it by making these videos.
I’m sure it would be helpful… My plan to improve is to work on building my confidence, and exposing myself to the things that scare me as often as possible. Although… that’s all easier said than done of course. CBT might be a great way to do just that. ❤️
@@anxious_and_avoidant
Well, thank you very much for my answer and for your wonderful effort, and I really hope that you recover and live life the way you love and want.🌹
@@Hussienku - From _'my'_ experience - CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), can be helpful - oversimplified, it addresses the immediate behavioral response, for moderation - not so much, any underlying cause. This can help to prevent further damage/injury, in the day to day, moments - I would say, it [edit] Could be used for immediate adjustment, and then with other therapies, too. I hope that helps. Cheers-
@@markaoslo5653
thank you , i appreciate that🌹
Thanks for the amazing video!! This is very informative and helpful. However, if someone is very insecure, I don't think relationships will be easy for them even they have a secure partner. Because a healthy relationship requires emotional availability, self-awareness and willingness to grow, which is something an insecure person doesn't have.
Good point. I just know if you have a completely secure partner, you might be more able to work through those kinds of things with them 🤷🏻♀️ or maybe that’s just wishful thinking hahahah.
It's strange how similar we are!!
2:09 _"D"_ all the above - sort of lol, now... 🤔 I think I've made good progress, however I'm still extricating myself from some pretty _'f'd-up'_ attachment... issues... Cheers-
You might find Kristin Snowden’s very first YT video to be a worthwhile expansion on this topic. Also yes, I’m a disorganized attachment wreck, widely considered to be the most difficult attachment style and I can only agree with that assessment. ☹️
_"disorganized attachment"_ - Yep! Sorry, former attachments! ☮
youre such a cutie omg im in love
Such an unfortunate name for those researching the "Avoidant Personality Disorder" as most of the content you get defaults to be referring to the "Avoidant Attachment". Hopefully or luckily there's the "AVPD" acronym though.
Are we the same person? Fuck