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- čas přidán 6. 12. 2023
- Suzanne talks with family law attorney Bernadette Barbee about financial infidelity in marriage and what money conflicts in marriage are really about.
They both then describe what financial FIDELITY looks like in a strong marriage.
IN THIS EPISODE:
the damage of having "his" and "her" accounts
"girl math" vs. real math
hiding money vs. transparency
out-of-control spending
www.wsj.com/personal-finance/...
MARRIAGE OR RELATIONSHIP TROUBLES? Sign up here for coaching with Suzanne: www.suzannevenker.com/coaching/
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I’ve found that one spouse is typically more interested in doing the family finances over the other spouse. My husband doesn’t care for it at all, but a good way to involve him is to do the yearly budget together. We go over all the categories and I ask him what he thinks we should spend on them (including savings and investments). It’s eye opening to him to see how fast the money goes. Then we adjust the categories together to fit our income. Thankfully my husband isn’t a huge spender, but maybe it could help with those people who have spender spouses that also don’t care about the budget!
In our marriage its always been "our" money. We acknowledge each individual effort to bring it in, but we never had separate accounts as married couple. We talk about finances weekly. Sometimes daily, especially around the holidays.
If you work together as a team to achieve financial goals, no matter how extravagant, then dating becomes more like a job interview. Looks don't matter so much. What matters is if that person can work with you to achieve those goals. And achieving those goals becomes your trophies. Like a $20,000 art purchase, or a cruise down the Rhine.
My husband and i have have always been both been very financially responsible. We do have some differences of opinion in where money should be spent sometimes, but going into our marriage knowing we were on the same financial page created a level of trust that i didn't realize was rare. We share a bank account, an Amazon account, and we trust each other enough to go about our regular spending without any concerns.
This was a great conversation with so much needed information! Truth and facts are such helpful assets in marriage! I know some couples preparing for marriage that I will suggest this to! Great work!
Advice needed:
If you have one bank account your spouse always sees at least where you buy his presents and that often gives big hints on what the present is. How could one avoid this without having separate accounts. Any suggestions?
Not buying online is not an option. 😂
I was being blamed as the spender but it was my husband over helping others until I exposed him.
40:15- 41:45 This brief clip authentically captures the reality of what often occurs. It's CZcams short-worthy!! encapsulating it all. women initiate most of the divorces in marriages.
She actually says it goes both ways. If you listened to the end of that part of the conversation.
My ex did cheat and committed financial infidelity. He never wanted to make a budget and money always seemed to disapear. Never put 2 and 2 together until he was leaving me... and I discovered all his dating sites, nasty pictures and secret credit cards.
This is very interesting thank you Suzanne.
Do you have any advice for older couples getting together later in life (after already having kids)? Trying to amalgamate finances and assets etc?
I love your show but it's mostly aimed at younger people just getting married and I'm getting into it a second time around, and blending a family, which comes with very different needs and challenges.
I'd love your help and advice if you have any?! Thank you, from New Zealand 💖
This issue I am realizing does not come with an easy solution. When you address these topics you have to take into consideration the risk of abuse. There was a reason all of those women wanted out of the home. You could vet a man for 7 years and he could be covert up until the birth of your first child. Then youre trapped. Because If you leave that man you’d have to work anyway.
@ehlaar But you can't base your entire life off of a "what if." Imagine if you spent your entire life planning on Plan B (the backup job). Why not focus on Plan A (marrying a worthy spouse) instead? Like, I get it. Women want to be able to support themselves if something happens. Well then, get a degree and job experience when you're super young and you'll always have a fall back plan. It's not that crazy.
Yeah, you have been lied to and watched too much TV and movies. 'risk' of abuse is nonsense. I recommend you stay away from men altogether. Ooops, lesbian marriages fail far more than normal.
I agree with this. People can remain covert for a long time. Then when you become vulnerable, their true self pops up. You have to be careful who you are vulnerable to.
This LITERALLY happened to me. Just when i thought i finally had my life sorted 💔😭
But i must admit that i broke many of Suzanne's golden rules and by the time i meet him o was running to ignore the red flags because my biological clock was ticking sooo loud!!!
If only I'd known earlier in life to make finding the right partner my FIRST PRIORITY over getting a career 🤦♀️
I once found out my husband spent $800 in one month playing a game, one of those silly games you can download onto your phone
That’s really irresponsible.
accounts should be legally separate purely because of no fault divorce which women have a certain tendency to do… but all decisions about said accounts should be made together… with the man’s leadership taking priority & the female being kept abreast & having input… the only safe joint accounts would be in the man’s name because men don’t divorce & destroy their families (if a man doesn’t want to build a future they just don’t commit in the first place)… in fact most of this is just saying all income should be pooled & the responsible party (men) should decide on how it is allocated… otherwise you are not a team & essentially not in a relationship… if the woman wants to use the money she has to actually discuss it with her husband & look at their shared goals… if the man wants to spend something he should meditate on said goals & consult his wife & truly decide if it is conducive to the long term mission of the family & then act accordingly with full legal access to the accounts
Thank you so much, Suzanne.
I here you mention having one account. What do you really mean? Does this mean that even the one with the most or money before they marry include all his or her money to the jointed account? Or anything that they make as soon as they become married?
For example, let say the man has money - financially stable. Great career, make good money. And now married to this lady that does not have anything. So are you advising the man need to convert his wealth/saved up finance to a jointed/family money?
We created a whole new bank account, merged whatever we had, had separate debt cards, but that's what we did. We had access to each other's bank accounts before we even got married.
It hasn't always been smooth sailing, we've both broken trust financially, but having access to everything not only keeps trust, but it also ensures accountability.
We will be celebrating 7 years in February, we have three kids ages 4-1, and I'm working from the home front.
Watching this as the woman saver married to a man spender 🤣
My wife and I are exactly this scenario. I came into the marriage with no debts, and ~$60,000 in assets and investments. My wife showed up totally broke, and had ~$21,000 of debt. The day we signed on the dotted line, it was not longer her debt and his money, it was our money, and our debt.
I still make 5x what my wife makes (I work and she's part-time with our 3 kids) and we have all of our money pooled into one set of accounts. We have a checking account with each of us having a debit card and we spend our daily expenses from that, we have a "sinking fund" where we are saving for large, mid-term expenses, and we have another savings account that is our emergency fund. Then each of us has a 401k account through our work which the other person has full and complete access to.
If you want that strong unity in your marriage, you need to talk about your money, your budget, and how you (as a team) are going to work together to build the kind of life that the two of you want. We've been married for 10 years now, and we've gone through job changes, and house purchases, and cancer, and kids born with disabilities and so much. If you can't be on the same page about what you are going to do with the fruits of your labor, and can't plan and execute for a real life, then it's not looking good mate.
Personal Note here too. Marriage is all about sharing. You share the food, the household chores, the bills, the cars, and the house. You share bodily fluids, you share emotional burdens, you share joy, and heartache. You share each other's victories, and aspirations. You share vacations, and share experiences, you share religious beliefs, and you share political beliefs. Like, the amount of sharing is STAGGERING. If sharing money is deal breaker, the institution of marriage probably isn't for you. In the old book of prayers, the vow that is taken says, "unto thee, all my worldly possessions I pledge." There are other pledges in there too, none of which are easy. The whole "In sickness and in health" vow is INSANELY hard to maintain when your partner is doing chemo. But that's what marriage is. It's been diluted and secularized, but at it's core, it is a commitment to fully share all the aspects that make us ourselves, with the person that you invited to that alter. If you can't do it, or won't, or want to change the way that the deal is put together, then you have something else, and that thing is not a marriage. I like what my nieces and nephews call a 'situationship', because that's all it is. Marriage is a fully self-sacrificial commitment to the other. It places their needs above yours, and places you under the yoke of partnership. You don't get to do everything you want anymore when you get married. This whole other person has an equal say in the decisions. That's BTURALLY hard, and very transformative. Marriage changes a man. Don't bring a schmuck up to that altar with you.
If you’re married, everything should be “ours”. If you join two people, you join two lives. You share a home, share kids, share vacations, share bills, you should share money.
@@tandeeprice4076Agree completely. If you feel the need to shield any assets from your new spouse, keep looking for a better person. Or work on your own heart. I can entertain the pre-nup argument for income/net worth differences in the millions, but for 99% of people a pre-nup is a bandaid on an otherwise dysfunctional relationship.
nope, multiple accounts, one for managing household, one for all the regular expenses, one for fun and one to invest in,
if there would be only one, it is too easy to spend anything saved...
@PeterBalko They suggest joint accounts, not that there's only one account. I agree with you.
twit
@Fitmomlyf even then the join ones can be only the ones for fun and household(food, small unexpected repairs),
so the partner who spends more does not, spend the money on accounts towards regular bills(mortgage, internet, electricity...), nor future investments (vacation, house, unexpected big repairs...)
Does my wife deserve another dog, she has 4 now, lol.
$2000 / month on gaming LOL WHAT??!!.. delusional much...