Healthy relationships are balancing acts. If you perpetually bring grievances and issues to your partner to solve, you're laying an undue emotional burden on them to constantly bridge and rectify issues, and either that's a function of a gross incompatibility, or one person's disregulated emotions. A person can only resolve SO MUCH, and in that sense, it's a capacity issue I agree....just not the one you're speaking of. I agree with the principle of your take, but the real world is messier, and people often do not realize that they are over-loading their partner with negativity.
That might be true if person a is going to person b with literally all their problems, but in this video she is talking specifically about grievances that pertain to action taken by person b that generated the emotional burden for person a in the first place. If you as a person b are not willing to take some accountability and problem solve in these scenarios, you are deflecting and doing exactly what she described in the video. In some cases this could indicate major incompatibility between the partners like you mentioned but in a lot of cases it’s really just person b shirking their responsibility as an equal partner in the relationship, which is a road to dysfunction and a bad arrangement for person a who has to agree to getting the short end of the stick if they want to keep the relationship
I had no idea quotation mining was a thing, my ex did this ALL the time and it drove me to insanity. You summed up why all my past relationships haven’t worked in this video!
Sis is cooking! My only nitpick is that we, all of us, need to take these unwritten rules and make them Written. That too is part of emotional intelligence and clear communication.
“Some people are to dumb to argue with” Yep. Been there recently. I had to let my ex go. He could be very sweet and loving at time but conflict & conflict resolution were not concepts he could wrap his head around.
How tf do you have less than 500 subs? Came here from FB just to finish this and then binge watched a bunch of other content from you. Thank you. THANK YOU. Thank you for validating and putting into words what this feels like and doing so with unapologetic intellectualism that helps ND's "sort through" emotions that we sometimes cannot process. Basically, this answered the "why no reciprocity?" question for me, the giver, the articulate person A, and the prompt person B.
I just ended things with a recently divorced guy. And yes it was a capacity problem which I think reflects poor emotional maturity and intelligence. Every issue I brought up seemed to trigger him into shutting down or answering the wrong question and then the issue never solved and it sure enough comes back.
I think this is generally a pretty good perspective. However, there's often a flip side of it as well. If person A is constantly coming up with problems, and person B consistently tries to resolve them but person A either doesn't contribute to the solution and consistently rejects the attempts to resolve the problem, then person B has no incentive to continue being a problem solver. This happens all too often. Someone will keep bringing up a problem and no matter how the other person tries to resolve it, nothing works. If nothing works then there is no autonomy and no capacity for leadership regardless of how good someone is at being a leader. So my point is just that we have to be very careful with dumping problems on someone else, even if they actually love solving problems for us, and have the capacity to solve the problems. Sometimes the person who brings the problems up is also the sole source of said problem. We can't assume that simply because someone thinks there is a problem, then it is pur responsibility to solve it for them.
This is a great point. I broke up with someone long ago for this reason. I also worked for a while on a suicide hotline answering calls and we would frequently see people who were what we called "help-rejecting". This was a common source of frustration and burnout for people who answer suicide hotline calls.
@@alacrity28 That's interesting, I had no idea there were people like that who would call suicide hotlines but not be willing to take the help. I wonder if that's an attention thing or something? And yeah, that was really the main reason I broke up with my most recent ex of 2.5 years. Whenever she would bring up an issue I would do my best to address it and talk through it and figure out what reasonable changes could be made. At the end of the day, none of the problems got resolved and she would keep bringing up the same problem over and over again and no matter what different ways I tried to resolve it, it was futile. This led to me basically checking out of the relationship because I had no control over the quality of the relationship. No actions I took could ever make the relationship better. Problems just kept getting swept under the rug instead of resolved. That inevitably causes a downward spiral.
Wow fresh channel recommended to me! While I’m not even in a relationship or want to have one but love hearing her talking so smoothly and effortlessly about it 😂 Hello Carolyn 🎉
thank you very much, i really needed to hear this. i am trying one more time to tell him that him not prioritising me at all doesn't work for me and if he doesn't get that then he is indeed to dumb to argue with. thank you behooving me.
There is no way to give this much energy to a relationship and still hold down a job with any responsibilities. You resolve problems all day at work to win business, and then you come home to issues that keep recurring? No thanks, I’d rather spend my money on something that doesn’t make me sad.
Cost vs. value. It applies to men and women. Everyones version of happiness is different. Good luck to you all. It took me years to figure out what i wanted. I'm happy now, but it took me years!
Do you mean when someone comes to speak with you about a problem they are having with you in a relationship or some other challenge they are having in their life with others? Assuming that it could be both, I'm just curious about the 'category' of the problem you're speaking on. Solving some problems may be beyond a person's experience at the time. We haven't all gone through the same thing. Isn't talking about something, fleshing it out, and gaining insight, a form of progress? 'I have a problem which I require you to bring a solution to' sounds, well, kind of linear. What if they're dealing with a number of problems at that time and just don't have the band width but tell you that it's important to them (your problem) and that they will make it a priority and get back to you?
She’s talking about stonewalling. This is when you having emotions or things that very justly need to be addressed and resolved are taken by the receiver of the news that there is an issue. The person doing the stonewalling basically says: oh you have an issue? Not my problem. Do not bring this to me or I will turn it back around on you because I do not have the emotional capacity to address this, because it would mean I have to action something, but I believe I am always right, so the issue cannot be me. So this is not a lack of experience. A lack of experience person who has emotional capacity would say: oh no, something is wrong, let’s do what we can to fix this because you are important to me and I do not want you to have an issue.
@NormalizingTheBasics ok, thank you. I appreciate it. I've dealt with heaps of people who do that. I have heard the term stonewalling, but more the dynamic in a political situation, so i never associated it with interpersonal experiences. People who do this, I make them gone from my life fast. It's an awful atmosphere they generate. Feels unalive, like they are dead inside. It's not good for your health to be around this. Keep moving far from them is the answer I act on. It took a while to learn this. More strength to all the people dealing with this. Make them find a way to handle and resolve this.
@@simonjerrems3738hard agree!! I assume you’re in Australia by the word, “heaps”. She’s in NY, USA where I am and her parents are psychologists. The APA, (American Psychiatric Association), heavily prohibits identifying the markers for Cluster B personality disorders, (like Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorder, etc.), so I assume because she’s also a doctor that she’s not using the word, “narcissist” due to that. As a non-doctor, but someone who has dealt with a lot of them; I think the APA is doing more harm than good by not protecting the general public with arming them with facts like how they have zero empathy and see others as objects.
@NormalizingTheBasics yes, I'm in Australia! I didn't know that about the American Psychology Association rules for classification. I read a book about 20 years ago called 'Narcissism Revisited'. I don't know where it ranks in books on the subject, but I think it helped me a lot. It had so much detailed information.
weirdly what makes me think its a lost cause is that they have these skills... with other people. should that make it easier to help them understand my side? youd think so
Interesting that the couple in this video: czcams.com/video/mS3bfCt0K88/video.html say "if you base your relationship on your ability to resolve conflict, you will likely be divorced" or som'th'n like that. I disagree so much, but they've studied it. Anyway, I agree. A capacity problem is eminent in my wife, but understandably. She's 19 years older than me (44) and has three kids. That's a lot of divided attention. Conflict takes a long time to resolve with her, often treading overnight, which becomes the morning's first thought. I'd like to see you resolve conflict in action.
Many people come to me but when it comes to me solving my own problems it’s out of control. It took me years to realized I am nothing more than just a trash 🗑️ 🚮where they can throwing all they 💩 at.
She is actually talking about a scenario where 1 person did something to hurt the other person and that person asked them to rectify it. Which is a basic foundation for a healthy relationship. Also the example she gave was not gendered so I’m not sure why you’re making this a man vs woman thing. The example she gave could apply in platonic situations/friendships as well.
Way better without makeup.. Compatibility exists outside of definitions. compatible Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more adjective two things) able to exist or occur together without conflict.
Women do the picking and choosing. Men do the hiring and firing. If 63% of men are walking away compared to 34% of women, what does that tell you about the picking and choosing part?
Women “fire” men all the time just look at who initiates most of the breakups and divorces. Women are walking away more than men are. Also what does your comment even have to do with the video.
@@AM-ut7dg women choose who they want to sleep with. Men choose who they want relationships with. Women do initiate more divorces, mainly because of monkey branching, but men are walking away from relationships at 63% compared to 34% for women.
I was with you until like half of the video. You lost me at the "one person must do more than the other" and the "my ex boyfriend" part. You clearly want a men who is your servant and if you can't find him you make him to be your "ex boyfriend".
Did we watch the same video???? She says that if one person brings up an issue--one person is going to have more control over the issue that needs resolving, and whoever has more control over the issue is the one that will have to do most of the work, but it's still something you do together. If the issue is "My girlfriend got drunk and cussed my parents out", my responsibility in resolving the issue is me bring up the issue to them (that's my 49% in helping resolve the issue), but it's up to her to take ownership of her bad behavior and apologize to my parents (that's the other 51%). Since she fucked up, she has to do most of the leg work in making things right for this issue. If she cannot do that, we are being limited in fully resolving the issue. This is on case per case basis, some issues you'll have more control and responsibility, and some issues, your partner (regardless of sex) will have more control and responsibility. But in all cases, the issue does require both partners to commit to a solution that actually addresses the problem; but as she mentioned, some people can't even take responsibility for their fuck ups (again, this goes for both men and women), and they are incapable of "arguing with" because you will never win with them, nor resolve the issues presented.
I love solving problems!! What I don’t love is a gf that doesn’t know how to solve problems. That’s when I become the asshole and the dad they should’ve had. Unfortunately many women today are useless af. I’m a construction guy. Carpenter. I lose patience with people who are too mentally lazy to do some of the figuring out. It’s a deal killer. I prefer a partner who’s handy and can do things. Additionally, if they need constant emotional soothing on every little challenge, they’re fired. Can’t deal with that either.
Healthy relationships are balancing acts. If you perpetually bring grievances and issues to your partner to solve, you're laying an undue emotional burden on them to constantly bridge and rectify issues, and either that's a function of a gross incompatibility, or one person's disregulated emotions. A person can only resolve SO MUCH, and in that sense, it's a capacity issue I agree....just not the one you're speaking of. I agree with the principle of your take, but the real world is messier, and people often do not realize that they are over-loading their partner with negativity.
That might be true if person a is going to person b with literally all their problems, but in this video she is talking specifically about grievances that pertain to action taken by person b that generated the emotional burden for person a in the first place. If you as a person b are not willing to take some accountability and problem solve in these scenarios, you are deflecting and doing exactly what she described in the video. In some cases this could indicate major incompatibility between the partners like you mentioned but in a lot of cases it’s really just person b shirking their responsibility as an equal partner in the relationship, which is a road to dysfunction and a bad arrangement for person a who has to agree to getting the short end of the stick if they want to keep the relationship
She did say that its expected to take turns
I had no idea quotation mining was a thing, my ex did this ALL the time and it drove me to insanity. You summed up why all my past relationships haven’t worked in this video!
Sis is cooking! My only nitpick is that we, all of us, need to take these unwritten rules and make them Written. That too is part of emotional intelligence and clear communication.
“Some people are to dumb to argue with” Yep. Been there recently. I had to let my ex go. He could be very sweet and loving at time but conflict & conflict resolution were not concepts he could wrap his head around.
Same reason why I broke up with my ex-girlfriend.
How tf do you have less than 500 subs? Came here from FB just to finish this and then binge watched a bunch of other content from you.
Thank you. THANK YOU. Thank you for validating and putting into words what this feels like and doing so with unapologetic intellectualism that helps ND's "sort through" emotions that we sometimes cannot process. Basically, this answered the "why no reciprocity?" question for me, the giver, the articulate person A, and the prompt person B.
I’m just getting started! Thanks for joining me!
I just ended things with a recently divorced guy. And yes it was a capacity problem which I think reflects poor emotional maturity and intelligence. Every issue I brought up seemed to trigger him into shutting down or answering the wrong question and then the issue never solved and it sure enough comes back.
Seems like I’m not ready for this , Ima stay single for a little bit longer. I have enough problems to solve myself lol 😂
You're really freaking smart. You're laying out the steps and premises as though you're actually a philosopher. You deserve more subscribers.
And you deserve to be called a siimp.
I think this is generally a pretty good perspective. However, there's often a flip side of it as well. If person A is constantly coming up with problems, and person B consistently tries to resolve them but person A either doesn't contribute to the solution and consistently rejects the attempts to resolve the problem, then person B has no incentive to continue being a problem solver. This happens all too often. Someone will keep bringing up a problem and no matter how the other person tries to resolve it, nothing works. If nothing works then there is no autonomy and no capacity for leadership regardless of how good someone is at being a leader.
So my point is just that we have to be very careful with dumping problems on someone else, even if they actually love solving problems for us, and have the capacity to solve the problems. Sometimes the person who brings the problems up is also the sole source of said problem. We can't assume that simply because someone thinks there is a problem, then it is pur responsibility to solve it for them.
This is a great point. I broke up with someone long ago for this reason. I also worked for a while on a suicide hotline answering calls and we would frequently see people who were what we called "help-rejecting". This was a common source of frustration and burnout for people who answer suicide hotline calls.
@@alacrity28 That's interesting, I had no idea there were people like that who would call suicide hotlines but not be willing to take the help. I wonder if that's an attention thing or something?
And yeah, that was really the main reason I broke up with my most recent ex of 2.5 years. Whenever she would bring up an issue I would do my best to address it and talk through it and figure out what reasonable changes could be made. At the end of the day, none of the problems got resolved and she would keep bringing up the same problem over and over again and no matter what different ways I tried to resolve it, it was futile. This led to me basically checking out of the relationship because I had no control over the quality of the relationship. No actions I took could ever make the relationship better. Problems just kept getting swept under the rug instead of resolved. That inevitably causes a downward spiral.
Wow fresh channel recommended to me! While I’m not even in a relationship or want to have one but love hearing her talking so smoothly and effortlessly about it 😂 Hello Carolyn 🎉
Nice vocabulary. Had me Googling circumlocutious. That word isn't even recognized by my laptop.
thank you very much, i really needed to hear this. i am trying one more time to tell him that him not prioritising me at all doesn't work for me and if he doesn't get that then he is indeed to dumb to argue with. thank you behooving me.
This video was very helpful at this time. You looked and sounded great! Thank you & Good Luck to you to! Cheers. 😊
There is no way to give this much energy to a relationship and still hold down a job with any responsibilities. You resolve problems all day at work to win business, and then you come home to issues that keep recurring? No thanks, I’d rather spend my money on something that doesn’t make me sad.
If he does not have the capacity to be a good partner, he is not a good partner.
Cost vs. value. It applies to men and women. Everyones version of happiness is different. Good luck to you all. It took me years to figure out what i wanted. I'm happy now, but it took me years!
Fuck, dude. I’m the problem, it’s me. 😫 I have a serious capacity issue from the sound of this video.
Pretty good that you understand that
This was such a good video! Need more such situations. They way you have put the thought out with proper articulation and clarity. Appreciate it
Do you mean when someone comes to speak with you about a problem they are having with you in a relationship or some other challenge they are having in their life with others? Assuming that it could be both, I'm just curious about the 'category' of the problem you're speaking on. Solving some problems may be beyond a person's experience at the time. We haven't all gone through the same thing. Isn't talking about something, fleshing it out, and gaining insight, a form of progress? 'I have a problem which I require you to bring a solution to' sounds, well, kind of linear. What if they're dealing with a number of problems at that time and just don't have the band width but tell you that it's important to them (your problem) and that they will make it a priority and get back to you?
She’s talking about stonewalling. This is when you having emotions or things that very justly need to be addressed and resolved are taken by the receiver of the news that there is an issue.
The person doing the stonewalling basically says: oh you have an issue? Not my problem. Do not bring this to me or I will turn it back around on you because I do not have the emotional capacity to address this, because it would mean I have to action something, but I believe I am always right, so the issue cannot be me.
So this is not a lack of experience. A lack of experience person who has emotional capacity would say: oh no, something is wrong, let’s do what we can to fix this because you are important to me and I do not want you to have an issue.
@NormalizingTheBasics ok, thank you. I appreciate it. I've dealt with heaps of people who do that. I have heard the term stonewalling, but more the dynamic in a political situation, so i never associated it with interpersonal experiences. People who do this, I make them gone from my life fast. It's an awful atmosphere they generate. Feels unalive, like they are dead inside. It's not good for your health to be around this. Keep moving far from them is the answer I act on. It took a while to learn this. More strength to all the people dealing with this. Make them find a way to handle and resolve this.
@@simonjerrems3738hard agree!! I assume you’re in Australia by the word, “heaps”.
She’s in NY, USA where I am and her parents are psychologists. The APA, (American Psychiatric Association), heavily prohibits identifying the markers for Cluster B personality disorders, (like Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorder, etc.), so I assume because she’s also a doctor that she’s not using the word, “narcissist” due to that.
As a non-doctor, but someone who has dealt with a lot of them; I think the APA is doing more harm than good by not protecting the general public with arming them with facts like how they have zero empathy and see others as objects.
@NormalizingTheBasics yes, I'm in Australia! I didn't know that about the American Psychology Association rules for classification. I read a book about 20 years ago called 'Narcissism Revisited'. I don't know where it ranks in books on the subject, but I think it helped me a lot. It had so much detailed information.
@@NormalizingTheBasicsThanks for clarifying this. I was kind of confused as well!
If you don't talk literally how do you have a relationship lol.
I’ve been following you on instagram for a bit; can’t wait to watch you blow up on CZcams too!
@@andienoya thank you so much 🫶🏼
I like it, I love it, I want some more of it.
Yeah I've been the only problem solver allways ever and really Im simply tired of it.
Holy shit. Thanks!
Oh shit -this 😔😔💔 17yrs of this and I'm tired
weirdly what makes me think its a lost cause is that they have these skills... with other people. should that make it easier to help them understand my side? youd think so
Awesome Video. Very Insightful. By The Way. You're Perfectly Fine Without Makeup. Just My Humble Opinion. 🙂
Interesting that the couple in this video: czcams.com/video/mS3bfCt0K88/video.html say "if you base your relationship on your ability to resolve conflict, you will likely be divorced" or som'th'n like that. I disagree so much, but they've studied it.
Anyway, I agree. A capacity problem is eminent in my wife, but understandably. She's 19 years older than me (44) and has three kids. That's a lot of divided attention. Conflict takes a long time to resolve with her, often treading overnight, which becomes the morning's first thought.
I'd like to see you resolve conflict in action.
Many people come to me but when it comes to me solving my own problems it’s out of control. It took me years to realized I am nothing more than just a trash 🗑️ 🚮where they can throwing all they 💩 at.
Some men's soulmate is not a woman, it's another man. 😑😬
is this dating advice for men?
My question is: does she have that capacity?
Telling a man “I make problems now u fix it” is exactly why you’re putting all that makeup on. You aren’t qualified.
She is actually talking about a scenario where 1 person did something to hurt the other person and that person asked them to rectify it. Which is a basic foundation for a healthy relationship. Also the example she gave was not gendered so I’m not sure why you’re making this a man vs woman thing. The example she gave could apply in platonic situations/friendships as well.
Way better without makeup..
Compatibility exists outside of definitions. compatible
Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more
adjective two things) able to exist or occur together without conflict.
Women do the picking and choosing. Men do the hiring and firing. If 63% of men are walking away compared to 34% of women, what does that tell you about the picking and choosing part?
Women “fire” men all the time just look at who initiates most of the breakups and divorces. Women are walking away more than men are. Also what does your comment even have to do with the video.
@@AM-ut7dg women choose who they want to sleep with. Men choose who they want relationships with. Women do initiate more divorces, mainly because of monkey branching, but men are walking away from relationships at 63% compared to 34% for women.
I was with you until like half of the video. You lost me at the "one person must do more than the other" and the "my ex boyfriend" part. You clearly want a men who is your servant and if you can't find him you make him to be your "ex boyfriend".
Did we watch the same video????
She says that if one person brings up an issue--one person is going to have more control over the issue that needs resolving, and whoever has more control over the issue is the one that will have to do most of the work, but it's still something you do together.
If the issue is "My girlfriend got drunk and cussed my parents out", my responsibility in resolving the issue is me bring up the issue to them (that's my 49% in helping resolve the issue), but it's up to her to take ownership of her bad behavior and apologize to my parents (that's the other 51%). Since she fucked up, she has to do most of the leg work in making things right for this issue. If she cannot do that, we are being limited in fully resolving the issue.
This is on case per case basis, some issues you'll have more control and responsibility, and some issues, your partner (regardless of sex) will have more control and responsibility. But in all cases, the issue does require both partners to commit to a solution that actually addresses the problem; but as she mentioned, some people can't even take responsibility for their fuck ups (again, this goes for both men and women), and they are incapable of "arguing with" because you will never win with them, nor resolve the issues presented.
Sounds like a communication problem. A woman speaks and says nothing.
I dont want to solve your problems, i have my own. I guessing with every exhail you have a complaint comes out
I love solving problems!! What I don’t love is a gf that doesn’t know how to solve problems. That’s when I become the asshole and the dad they should’ve had. Unfortunately many women today are useless af. I’m a construction guy. Carpenter. I lose patience with people who are too mentally lazy to do some of the figuring out. It’s a deal killer. I prefer a partner who’s handy and can do things. Additionally, if they need constant emotional soothing on every little challenge, they’re fired. Can’t deal with that either.