When you try to change YOURSELF to make a narcissistic relationship work
VloĆŸit
- Äas pĆidĂĄn 19. 05. 2024
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK đ "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT. - ZĂĄbava
The âforget about him, change yourselfâ message is why I quit seeing a psychologist. So demoralising for a survivor. Iâve heard it said that âbefore diagnosing someone with depression make sure theyâre not surrounded by assholesâ.
L. O. L. âŒïž
I agree! Love this bc I can totally relate to itâŒïž
Speak your/THE TRUTH - even if itâs only to yourself bc nobody who âthinks THEY know the truthâ will believe YOUâŒïž
"Stop trying to shape yourself to please an unpleasable person."
EXACTLY
The notion of a flawless marriage or relationship is a myth. There's no set formula for success; what works for one couple may not work for another. Yet, I've discovered that there's always a way forward, even in the most challenging times. Five years ago, my wife and I encountered significant hurdles in our marriage that nearly led to divorce. Despite the adversity, we managed to weather the storm and emerge from it with our bond renewed and revitalized
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white
This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks..
You wont regret it
đâ€When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!đ„đȘâ„ He is coming to avenge!
đInnocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.đ„° Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted His free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!đâ„đ„ł
As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations.
Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! đâ€đ
Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! đ„čâ€You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviourđâ€He loves you like crazy! He sees you, â„
đ
Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later!
!đâ€đ„č
one thing I know for sure out of experience, a narcissist wont appreciate you trying to change and do better, they take you for a fool and look for petty ways to drain supply from you, every... single... time...
One thing I did start to change about myself is that I don't let such trash use me anymore
They will not like you for doing good for yourself , they don't care about the positive overflow they would receive, , actually they don't get it ,, they are truly the saddest creature ever to exist, , there not human , a human can love and receive love with great fullness
Preach! â€Goodbye!
I changed myself to go no contact with some of them and to not go DEEP with others. đ
đȘđ€
Dr. Ramani. I would like to thank you for these videos of yours. At 51 I am getting a divorce. I never gave the word narcissistic a second thought. I felt lost and broken after building my whole life around my husband. Then I came across one of your videos. It explained so much of what I went through for so many years. I don't have access to therapy at the moment, so I have been going through your previous videos. You are a life saver. It has not only opened my eyes to my narcissistic husband, but it made me realize that as a child I was dealing with a narcissistic mother and older brother. I have a lot of work to do on allowing my true self to climb out of the box I have kept myself in, but I have made a start and with educating myself to recognize the patterns I am slowly creeping out of that box. So please continue with your videos, it means the world to me.
A M E N
Bless you. I promise it does get easier And better
The narcissist enjoyed your youth, but when you grew older and needed his company the most, he Discard you for someone elseâŠđąâ€đŻ
I know exactly what you mean! Same kind of situation, 20 plus years of marriage and realized a year and a half ago what I was dealing with thanks to finding a video of Dr R talking about gaslighting. It was like my world blew up and suddenly made sense at the same time. The education from her work and Dr. Carter has changed my life! Good luck on your new journey! â€
I am 56 and have been watching Dr. Ramani every day since 2019 (before they were daily videos). She has changed my life! I finally understand that I had two narcissistic parents, brother, ex-husband, friends, boyfriends etc. I now live alone in peace, have found good empathetic friendships and have (mostly) stopped blaming myself for not being who my family want me to be. I see narcissism in others from a mile away and know exactly how to handle it to keep my soul at a safe distance.
Although I havenât figured everything out, Dr. Ramani has been the single most important element to my healing. When I have gone to therapy I realized I understood the personality dynamics better than the therapist, all because of her.
Dr. Ramani, there are no words sufficient to express my gratitude to you for your steadfast work in bringing to light the patterns & ramifications of narcissistic abuse.
narcissists never change themselves but they change you
When I escaped I was shaky, stressed, frightened, anxious. I didn't know who I was or what kind of personality I had. Gradually I became the independent, resourceful, fun loving person I'd been so many years before. I felt like I'd been missing myself for 25 years.
If they really don't like you the way you are, they're not
gonna like you no matter what hoops you're gonna jump
through. I went through all that and I realize that even
with the pluses and minuses of my personality, I like me.
It's more like" find "yourself. Rather than change
I am in a group of 6 golf gals for 4 years. Great group of friends.....UNTIL....the narcissist joined. Thanks to your series, I am very aware of the dynamics going on. Most of all, watching the enablers flocking to the yummy narcissist. As I resist the the charm, I am being ignored and invalidated. BUT, I got myself and that's all that matters. It is so sad how these people can wreck a good thing.
I was often told by enablers to adjust my attitude and views to be more empathetic, conformative, flexible, thick-skinned, agreeable, and patient because the narcissist won't. Literally, all I heard was to tolerate being disrespected and treated like a doormat because that's just how the narcissist is and being myself will make things worse. What actually changed about me was I trusted my gut instinct more, stood my ground, and became less naive. It didn't always work in my favor but anything is better than being around a narcissist. Most things are, anyways
I had a couples counselor tell me I need to be more thick skinned. I never went back.
@@shawnburch9371 Yeah, you definitely have to have a counselor with personal knowledge of narcissism, otherwise they can do more harm than good
The only change that happens to you in a narcissistic relationship is the change that the narcissist is making for you.
That needs to be a wall sign.
Indirectly... they don't physically change learned behavior patterns. They change you by making you feel guilt and shame!
@@richardjohanson6421
Exactly đŻ
@@richardjohanson6421wow thatâs so true!
It's crazy how you don't even recognize yourself when the narcissistic relationship ends. It shows up physically after the emotional drainage. The things I would bend and concede to just to save my marriage. It's like being in a weird trance. Once he left, I found myself again. The discard was a blessing in disguise.
Me too, and my energy and spirit slowly returned. Good luck
⊠I finally found the courage to leave after 50 years when I looked in the mirror and realized how much I had changed, and I was actually living his life every moment of it. He would introduce me to people and say this is my life and I would smile until I didnât. My journey is almost complete thanks to you Dr. Ramani
So so Proud of you.
The most difficult but Empowering moment in your New Life was making that choice.
Now you can be proud of that comment" This is my Life"
đ
Yes, you have courage and can do it!! So proud of you taking the difficult step to leave after 50 yrsâŠmy, oh my. Love & hugs to you!
Dr ramani, i have 9 and 7 year old children, im sick of seeing my kids been unloved , my wife has got them going against me now , the narcissists craft is so powerful and effective, , please stay away from these insane people please, , what can i do for my kids , i cant take it anymore,its literally hell on Earth
In my case, my now ex would rage over how we three (self and two sons) âganged upâ on him. Considering he never paid the boys or me any attention until it suited him, it was a given.
@@clogs4956 it's never ending reactive obstacles,if I start Il get traumatized, I don't know, these people should be criminally charged and locked up
So Brilliant. We have ALL tried to change to be what the narcissist wants, but of course it never works because they keep moving the goal post and blaming us when things aren't "perfect". Change yourself, but change the way you react to and handle these people. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
Excellent point!!
Healing after the abuse is like changing your self back into your whole self again...
đ«đđđđđŒđđŠđđ«
After 13 years, and one of our final blowouts, he actually said I needed to change to be more like him! This was just one of my big wake up signs. I could never change enough to meet his benchmarks because the goal post was always being moved. I always thought I could just bite my tongue and choose my battles, but that stopped working because my resentment became too much to bear anymore
I think we may change without even fully realizing it. Years and years of grey rocking, for example. . .
I made the majority of the changes, and that's how I was able to see that we were unequally yoked. The more I changed, the more he stayed the same. I was always pointed to as the problem in the relationship, and not "being submissive enough" in spite of me doing everything and being burnt out constantly. When I started changing how I engaged with him, I began to see my way out of the relationship.
Iâve had therapy years ago and was told I had identity issues. I never understood that. But itâs the context they missed. I had to hide my identity in my family system. Thanks much for the context comments. I will skip trying to be seen by the narcissistic folks on my life.
Dr Ramani. You are so right. Iâm tired & am taking back ⊠to be myself. Slowly but surely. I am having trouble not taking the bait of reaction to his nasty narcissistic everything. Heâs throwing everything at me to try to stop me. Thank you for your wise words.
Healing is Crazy Hard. Keep doing the best you can, and acknowledge yourself when you don't take the bait.
I sacrificed so much of myself, who I am, my needs wants likes dislikes boundaries life safety home identity,âŠfor the narcs, not knowing what was happening. Lots of grief to process and forgiving myself, I didnât realize how it would damage meâŠbut healing and taking myself back. Grateful to be aware of it now to protect myself and my life. Staying as whole as possible and true to myself. Thank you Dr Ramani â€
oh, dr. ramani--this hits home hard! my whole childhood being scapegoat with a narc sib...being married to a narc...all of it. i tried it all. i was just a kid with no help, support, or guidance trying to navigate a toxic family...i knew i was bright, good, talented, etc., but i still fell into the trap of believing what they said about me to me, self-subjugation, etc etc...it took decades to heal significantly from that only to end up in two dysfunctional marriages (the second with the narc--been happily free 10+ years now)...and to FINALLY get to the point that i'm me and i'm ok, and i'm learning to even TRY to be vulnerable around a handful of people whom i hope are trustworthy....
I am walking away from them all. I am sick of them causing me to be sick and I'm sick of ALL of their lies and murder by mouth; (gossiping), to the rest of the family. I'm walking away from them all and I'm not even going to tell them. I'm done.
Distance yourself either mentally or physically if you can with the latter. Don't ever lower yourself by acting like them but be circumspect and matter of fact. Be fair in your interactions with them or else you'll be viewed as toxic by onlookers. Be safe & Prayers đđ» for you đ
Your not responsible for other people behavior, only how you react to it. See things as they are and adjust what is adjustable in your own life.
I think we all change and people have different tolerances and try to keep their integrity, but to persist beyond their tolerance where the damage is too great and the suffering is to great, then they need help. Getting pulled into the narcissist unconscious thinking and behaviour, people lose consciousness and get brain fog. Itâs like someoneâs personality has punched your personality in the head and you need the quietness to get your bearings again.
â€â€â€
I go deep with the narcissists in my life. Donât defend, engage,explain or personalise. And walk away as fast as I can. Thank you dr Ramani đ†God bless you â€
You lose so much of yourself doing this. I did this. It didn't help with a thing. You morph yourself into something you're never going to be good enough at anyway.
Great advice! The list reveals that you are negating your needs for another. I am committed to being myself and if this doesnât work for my narcissistic sister she can walk out without me stopping her.
No matter how much somone may or may not be wishing you to change to suit how they want you to be, it isn't worth it.
1:50 min mark Exactly!!!! Perfectionism is a learned behavior patterns from childhood... have to let it go. Mistakes happen...
Condemnation is hard on the spirit soul and flesh...
Narcissistic parents make you serve them... born an illegitimate child from an adulterous relationship before Roe vs Wade... scapegoated all my childhood... 3 older step brothers younger legit step sister taught to serve her. Genetic father wouldn't leave his wife.
When you let things go... it shows you don't care like you used too!
Makes you look selfish...
I wish someone told me 35+ Years ago.
It had prevent me going like antisocial-ish bc I was not really breakable as a kid.
Only good for the narrative of the narc.
As a young teen it changed, I broke.
After decades, now, I truly feel like a 'change to a better state' bc of going to 'no contact' half a year ago.
Don't change for anyone othen than yourself.
We all have to learn things to get better -but not for a person who's goal is to break you. â€
Amen
The popular advice of "you are the only person you have control over" also plays into the theme of this video. After one does radical acceptance that the narcissistic person won't change, it easy to bend oneself into a pretzel before realizing you have lost your sense of self. One useful way to change is in the way you interact with the narcissist -- that one is worth keeping!
Currently 37 weeks pregnant & realizing Iâve been in a narc relationship & have changed myself soooo much , the compromising , walking on egg shells due to physical, mental, emotional , verbal abuse if you speak on ANYTHING , the cycles & everything that comes with being with a narc is eye opening , shocking , hurtful but a relief all in one!
Changing myself could also mean seeing my therapist and working the Al-Anon program of recovery. Both helped me get to the place where I could leave the relationship.
Our creativity doesn't allow us to be stagnet. We are always looking for an answer, and we are looking to make it better. Good point. Thank you. Don't go down the one road which will destroy you. Instead, work with yourself to be all of you.
I got the same thing each time the managers would pull me into the office of how I was doing something wrong and called names in their HR policy. I'm so glad I finally realized that I wasn't the problem at all.
7:18 and forward, every SINGLE word you say speaks voloumes and is very valuable for everyone that been through a toxic/narcisistic relationshipđ
My therapist recommended that to me. That's when I quit because he clearly didn't get it. Growing up with narcissists, I changed so much about myself that I didn't even know who I am.
Exactly: when therapists tell people in these interactions âwhat can you do differently?â Doesnât work when the psychopath/narcissist is dishonest and not telling you that youâre building a house near a cliff.
I will not go to another Therapist that lacks expertise with Narcissism. The usual rules donât apply.
I was recently triggered by a narcissist after leaving one 25 years ago. It threw me for a loop. I made an appointment with a therapist. What a waste of time and money. She really didn't understand how evil their behavior is. Basically, was told to stop being so judgmental and love more. You know, the typical response from people. I ended up getting out my books on the topic and receive good, sound advice on how to get stabilized again.
đ
I can never thank you or your team enough xx
You could turn yourself inside out & do cartwheels to meet the anticipated needs of a narcissist & no matter how you could contort yourself, it still would not change them and would leave you out of your mind from exhaustion
This is great! The therapist needs deeper understanding of narcissism and relatiohship. Who you were before this relationship *.. if later thsn chilhood). Codependency and Narcissistic abuse may overlap? So much more to learn.. thank you Dr. Ramani!
I definitely went through this. Been there done that bought the tshirt wore it out, turned into a rag,.then threw it away đ
I think as a child of narcissistic parents I think there is also opportunity for myself to change and learn boundaries
I did all those things.. Tried to be super mom super wife but, I was super tired and over time the real me came Roaring back and now going through divorce and I am excited and scared to see the other side.
I haven't met a man yet that didn't want me to change in some way. My ex husband said I didn't wear enough make up, my boyfriend said I wasn't skinny enough, tan enough, wore sexy enough clothes, other boyfriend who was the narcissist said I needed to always dress sexy, wear makeup, large hoop earrings, tan better, get up earlier, go to bed earlier, eat dinner earlier and on and on and on it went. Oh to just meet a man who accepts me as I am and love me unconditionally would be such a wonderous thing.
Change for the narcissist is a killer of your spirit, soul and body, disgusting, disturbing, devils. I change, to get out of that toxic demonic environment, and persevering in Prayers Psalms 1-150đđđŻđČđđ« đđŻđ€Čđč
Wow, yes! Had a talk out loud session with myself this past weekend. Only we can change. And takes it through going through the whole relationship probably not the best rumination cycles but speaking it out loud sometimes gets the loop to stop in my head. If we take ownership of things we cant control. Their behaviour their reactions. Their lack of involvement. And somehow convince ourself especially while in it. If i change it somehow fixes the issue. It gives a semblance of healthy control to ourself too. But makes the problem all ours to tackle and becomes unhealthy, because we cant change them. And we surely cant change them by changing ourselves when its not our fault they lack regulation in the face of their behavior. Like domestic violence, or extreme rages at being called out or even raging because we offered love . So then even avoidance becomes a change. If i say it right- if i dont say anything and just fix myself. Does nothing but cause apathy to grow in your mental back frame i think.
Wrote a poem a long time ago. About how we are all diamonds and not to try and cut away at ourself so much. This simple 8 min video pretty much sums it up.
We bend ourself. Take so much on. And continue to chisel away at a diamond and of gem of ourself. Not simply cleaning away build up or erosions that can hide the beauty of our gem. that can happen with trials of life until we are felt to be fractions of ourself or not know who we are.
May make a follow up poem about how you were confusing the gem of yourself for what the wanted you to think you are.
Thank you dr ramani for all you do!
Its been a while since i even found enjoyment in writing. And im slowly feeling more creative.
I love that for you!! I've called the narcissist a gem some years back đđ, but then again, I was traumatised and not exactly seeing things clearly. A gem, no less! Bless my heart...
@@darcyroyce thank you. Lol,
So get that looking back there are many things i was too confused to get as well. But looking back at my writing or looking back even at the time frames. Sometimes makes me realise i wasnt as broken or wrong as my ex made me out to be or tried to convince me i was.
And yes. Many gems we all thought im sure lol. And in some ways the sad thing was is they could be. But then thats potential and not true.
To fighting through to †healing
Iâm still trying to recover from being told who I really am isnât good enough
Thank you Dr. Ramani, you have shed so much light on 50 years of verbal and emotional abuse and provided me with a glimmer of hope that I am not as insignificant as I have been made to feel. If the bruises of this kind of abuse were visible, perhaps other people would have a bit more understanding and be less judgemental. Isolation, invalidation and confrontation are my daily life. Why have I stayed? I love my house, garden and cats. I can't afford to leave.
This video is very helpful and encouraging! I spent over 20 years trying to change myself to make my narcissistic spouse happy. Now Iâm welcoming back all of the parts of me that I shut down while changing almost every aspect of my engagement with them. Most days it feels like Iâm living in a chess game but now I finally understand the rules. Thank you for all your work!â€
đâ€When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!đ„đȘâ„ He is coming to avenge!
đInnocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.đ„° Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted His free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!đâ„đ„ł
As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations.
Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! đâ€đ
Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! đ„čâ€You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviourđâ€He loves you like crazy! He sees you, â„
đ
Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later!
!đâ€đ„č
Slippery slopeâŠ
#Distance
So incredibly helpful. That's exactly the advice I get which turns it back to my fault again.
Thank you !
What Doc Ramani describes is the process by which we make up our self-judgment, self-blaming, or self-victimization. Once we have produced our representation of victimhood, it will not be easy to reverse it. It is necessary to consider that this process is strongly conditioned by continuous repetitions from childhood, or from the beginning of marriage. There is then a powerful neurological facilitation. NLP deconditioning techniques, toghetherr with radical acceptance, have been shown to be quite useful.
After about 10 years together the Malignant Covert Narcissist Monster that I am Divorcing started raging at me on a daily basis, multiple times a day. I had a therapist who I had been talking to for years who kept advising me on different ways that I should behave with the Monster so that the Monster wouldn't rage at me. None of it worked, & the Monster became more & more enraged & abusive.
Many times I ended up on the floor in a fetal position with the Monster raging over me.
Looking back I find it horrifyingly incredible that my therapist kept advising me to change, in essence, to accommodate the psycho whims of the Monster. Looking back why wasn't it ever said that nobody should ever do this to me, & that it isn't my responsibility to change for the Monster. The Monster is a Monster & it isn't healthy to change for an abusive Monster. That is how we lose ourselves, by changing ourselves for the benefit of a Monstrous Vampire who sucks out our lives, & uses us as emotional punching bags.
Dr Ramani, thank you for being the voice of self worth & recognition that we were not put here to serve & appease Monsters.
Most of the 5 Yrs I was with my Narc Ex I was unemployed. He'd say I didn't need a job and that he'd look after us, then when I got a job and was doing better than him and was looking after myself I could feel the resentment in him. He was quiet He pretended to be pleased for me, he even wanted to come and stay with me at mine (something he'd never made the effort to do, ever), but whenni said no he tried to blame shift pull me down and get bullshitty. I told him he could call me names all he wanted, I didn't care because i was doing well and could see hope for a better future for me on my own. That's when he hot nasty. I ignored him. đ
The change to adapt is dangerous! The change to become resilient and independent will cause that you ultimately will end the relationship, cost whatever, what is contrary to what the narc wants.
The narcissist enjoyed your youth, but when you grew older and needed his company the most, he Discard you for someone elseâŠđąâ€đŻ
yes this helps a lot, like basically all of the videos on this channel đ€
even though i've pretty much mastered the specifics of the current situation i have to manage with an incredibly immature person (they had one of their "episodes" today. waking me up very early and demanding my full attention non stop for hours because of "medical reasons" - that turned out to be nothing but a mix of a bit of sleep deprivation and aggrieved entitlement about my spending too much good times with new people in my life, again) i find myself returning here, just to kind of de-stress and not do all of the work on my triggers all alone †your validation has helped me deal with a lot of unstable things these last years and i feel like i'm finally through with the worst of it.
Exactly Dr.R, context! I like who I am and I don't need to change any more than I have! I'm trying to get back to me...đâźïž
Making a list tomorrow at work where it's quiet and away from chaos. Thank you Dr. Ramani for being a straight shooter and a wise one at that. I keep doing baby steps but she catches on and continues to move the goal posts, so I am really back at square one essentially. I need to do a leap. I need to contact my support friends and family. Thanks for the reminder!â€
I've been having small chats here and there on Telegram recently with my former roommate, and I noticed a pattern, and it goes back to what Dr. Ramani says about how they get up *solely* every day to preserve their fragile egos:
I let him in on how I no longer really follow Hollywood/movies & TV, and didn't even really have a desire to watch the new Ghostbusters movies, due to their connection with a certain fella on an Island.
He recently told me he watched the latest movie, then despite watching that show Quiet On the Set, gaslit me over "that nonsense", basically ignored my entire case, and told me to check out the movie.
I responded "you're clearly far more invested at this point than I am", and *he didn't respond* . Even so much as the *suggestion* of the spotlight being on a narc negatively makes em run for the hills.
Basically, narcs *love* yapping up a storm and getting attention, as long as it's about surface -level bullshit, or things that make them look good.
The second there's even a *chance* that they may be put in a vulnerable light, they run for cover.
Fascinating.
Watching this video really gives me the ability to articulate why i got so bitter and frustrated during the relationship. I had to twist and contort everything about me.
Iam like a child to this emotional support. Good discussion. Thanks
For some reason, I have not been getting notifications for this CZcams channel, but oddly enough, I did for this video in particular. The timing couldn't be more perfect. Though I don't have to live with the narcissist anymore I have to deal with him daily and was on the verge of giving up my vehicle in my name for some crazy scheme he has, but this video was spot on and woke me up.
Oh oh oh in the 14 years of insane marriage to the passive aggressive covert narc was filled with me changing adapting altering.
Nothing worked. 4 nervous breakdown. 7 therapists. The 8th one recognized narcissism. I was divorced and left one year later
It was completely insane. I left almost broken. I'm a tough strong independent confident person. I didn't know who I was when I left. These people are vile
Well, if this video doesn't just hit home. Thank you.
Their need to accomodate them at your well-being's expense is just so draining to think about.
Dr Ramani, thank you for making this video...I've been trying for years to make the change that would fix or heal or overcome the hurdles in my relationship and the fact is I've been focused on the wrong changes. I've been focused on conforming instead of growing to be the best me with boundaries that I stand behind ...thank you thank you thank you.â€
My therapist and my husband suggest ways of how I can change my perspective and outlook. And I guess they are right to a certain point. But I refuse to, bend, mold and shape myself any longer. I've done enough. Even the mental gymnastics i have to do when interacting with my mother to ensure the wrong thing isn't said is too draining. I'm arriving at 9 months of no contact. Thanks Dr Ramani for validating what has somestimes been a struggle for me in this process.đđŸ
Thank you for this, Dr. Ramani!
The narcissistic relationship I have is with the one in my own mind.....the residue is still taking over my mind space.
My X left me for a rebound guy after a few years together. Before the break up, I worked on myself and seen the change. The only change my X worked on is her exterior overrated and saturated appearance. Dispite my change for the better during and after my X left. I feel renewed, a sense of liberation and focused.
Thank you!!!đâ€â€â€
Bonus points for the Don Quixote reference.
You are right on point dr.ramani as always â€
This broke me. my co workers and I got out alive from an abusive narc and to this day I'm still unpacking it all. It's been a year. Taking on responsibility for it all has been so intense and now I'm really starting to understand the damage it's all had.
Id say change not yourself or the narc, but the environment. Change the environment by taking yourself out of the equation. If you take yourself out the equation either by grey rock or literal vanishing then there is going to be a diffrernt scenery. â€
That's the best advice to prevent "to late" đŻđŻ
The day I left home my narcissistic husbands last words were - Iâve been waiting for you to change
I was always the scapegoat, black sheep, or truth teller in my family of origin. I feel like that saved my life because I could not bring myself to abandon the truth or change my most authentic self. I'm used to being told I'm crazy or overreacting or have the unpopular opinion.
He made me less gullible, and I learned some more truths that I appreciate knowing now.
He didn't like when I would be too loud or sing and dance randomly around the house so I didn't do it around him but I knew I wasn't weird or strange for enjoying life. I just knew the truth that he was a miserable grouch like my mother was. Now I know the truth that he is a narcissist, and she is too.
Letâs not call these situations ârelationshipsâ, itâs an âinteractionâ and it usually comes after being groomed/coerced.
The only thing to change is to deprogram the GROOMING.
But we do it because it's something we CAN change -- and many therapists encourage one to concentrate on the things you can change.
Hello, I just looked in my history to see when I had subscribe to your channel April 2020. I had already uncovered so much myself but finding you just was like putting on reading glasses. Suddenly everything really was clear and many of the things I was suspecting about my mother and my partner were validated. I keep hoping you do some type of video about narcissists being a mix of the different kinds and also a narcissist who is sort of slovenly and the opposite of someone who takes good care of their appearance. Both my mother and my partner actively keep themselves unattractive, I think as self-protection. They are so insecure about their appearance that they feel unable to do anything about it and this then manifest in their other narcissistic traits. They are both secret eaters, they both have ailments that could be improved or remedied by changing diet and activity levels, neither does any sort of exercise or maybe a short spurt for a week. They were shabby clothes etc.,, and resist any reinforcement that they look good when they dress nicely etcetera. I have directly toward my partner that he could get so many of the things that he wants, namely more intimacy from me if he just had better hygiene, easy peasy but it's like he won't comply to his own detriment. I think my mother did the same with my father. She kept herself as unattractive as possible, because she felt unattractive, if that makes any sense. The way to avoid rejection, by purposely getting yourself rejected? I've never been able to quite figure which type or category they are and I felt like depending on the situation they would change from superior/grandiose to victim/cover to communal, and so on.
Changing your behavior to please a narcissist is impossible. Do not even try. walk out and get your own life, as a life with a Narcissist is no life at all. Leave her/him behind like the are the plague.
The same when entering "pathological social groups" when I know ethics/ philosophy/ psychology/ sociology...
I see that something is extremely toxic. You should "get out" and not get sucked in.
It doesn't matter what "they think is normal/ appropriate behavior".
Don't give in to pressure (protect yourself!)- it's a slippery slope...
It seems like change should feel like personal growth....
2:36 ouch....spot on! đŻđŻđŻđŻ
As the possible, former golden child, I didnât feel I had to change, other than to offer to take my mother to a neurologist or psychotherapist, when I started to understand that her behavior was both self-destructive and predatory.
Learning about narcissism has also taught me about other people and society, in general. That, typically, if Iâm being asked if Iâve changed, the advice offered or even just insinuated, comes on the terms hierarchy, tradition, convention and acceptance. That I would be asked what Iâm doing about accepting or accommodating the behavior, because itâs my boss, my mother, a man, or due to race. It can be so bad that itâs like someone shaking their ignorant finger at you, insinuating, âI know you like to be career oriented, independent, etc. But, you should know better, that the comfortable thing, for those around you, where it counts, is that you be everything they want. If thatâs to be a subservient doormat, you need to learn to make your peace with that or buck the norm and be in pain. Have a nice day.â So, the narcissism is not whatâs at all recognized, although in large part, they either donât know about narcissism or see it as all those other societal norms and that I am the odd person out, by not being in compliance.
I have, however, changed. Iâve become scarce. I know myself well enough to know that, within the context of all of this ignorance, if Iâm not happy, I have no interest in whether others are. So, best that I separate myself.
Itâs equally bad for therapists to tell the person in a psychopathic/narcissistic interaction, not just âwhat can you do differentlyâ but also âwhy are you staying in this situation? Why are you tolerating it?â Instead of helping the victim understand that they are indeed in over their head and theyâre dealing with an actual predator. These people do this to multiple people and deliberately CHOOSE to ruin multiple lives, and should be treated as a predator ie. someone who has a target, uses a plan and goes after the victim, then they keep re-hoovering to keep them trapped. Thatâs a predator, and it should be illegal.
Everyone who has been in these situations have had a core part of their being destroyed FOREVER and likely will never get it back. If that is not a crime, what is? Chopping off a manâs arm is a crime. Why is seeking a target and unleashing a plan to trap and destroy them not a crime?
đâ€When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!đ„đȘâ„ He is coming to avenge!
đInnocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.đ„° Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted His free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!đâ„đ„ł
As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations.
Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! đâ€đ
Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! đ„čâ€You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviourđâ€He loves you like crazy! He sees you, â„
đ
Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later!
!đâ€đ„č
I'm at a point where I have changed so much.
beautiful mrs
Needed this... thanks you
Just dont engage bc if u engage by going silence they get upset n when u acknowledge the communication its nothing but criticisms n put downs so it sometimes it feels like a never winning narc battle but if u dont engage they cant fght with someone who doesnt want to fight. its hard n its even harder on a child who was birthed as a beautiful weapon its sad, but unfortunately the sad truth is I picked n choose her other parent which tells me something about myself but also about them, which is exactly why I want to change its not to change the situation its so I learn my lesson to never ever place myself in an unworthy relationship again n to hopefully teach my daughter the same bc cycles repeat if no light is shed on the truth. I feel u have to change so that you can deserve better n treat yourself better bc no one can show u how to be treated other than urself, u teach people how to treat u by having no respect for yourself n then others have no respect for u allowing narcisstic abusive relationships to flourish in your environment n trust me its not just personal its also work relations as well. It's in our society and it is taught from generation to generation which explains school shootings, cyber bullying of our teenagers, work violence, suicidal rates and homicidal rates extremely high bc of narcisstic bullying n just the overall dysfunction of our society. It's up to leaders n very well educated counselors n therapists that are trying to shine a light on this very epidemic in our society like Dr. Romani and Dr. Cocchiola in southbury ct that is trying to educate our courts n other parents that are being alienated n bullied n the society that's filled with social injustices. NARCISSTIC ABUSE IS A SOCIAL INJUSTICE and its best to walk away from those that just want to shame n guilt you.
đâ€When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!đ„đȘâ„ He is coming to avenge!
đInnocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.đ„° Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted His free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!đâ„đ„ł
As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations.
Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! đâ€đ
Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! đ„čâ€You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviourđâ€He loves you like crazy! He sees you, â„
đ
Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later!
!đâ€đ„č
Th! For saying that! I âshow up differently in different placesâ
Thats the very thing i THOUGHT was making me a narcissist! But always in my mind going âi was raised to behave a certain way in publicâ WERENT WE ALL?! No apparently not because he just acts however the heck he wants & then blames EVERYTHING around him.
Nowadays im just being whoever the he k i am & having that back bone for my kids! So they can be who they are.
& letting it all fall apart/into place â€
đâ€When it comes to narcissists- they are one of the big reasons He is stepping in right now!đ„đȘâ„ He is coming to avenge!
đInnocent go first- all the children of the world will disappear first then the adult believers.đ„° Jesus is coming back to pick up all those who accepted His free gift of His death for their sins. Yes, after 2 000 years He is coming back with promised salvation!đâ„đ„ł
As He speaks through the prophets He is sickened by the world: lies, abuse amd manipulations.
Before He comes we will see Alaska's back to back earthquakes 7.6 and 7.3, we will also see Germany and Russia exchanging missiles. Jesus spoke of it all through his prophets! đâ€đ
Jesus removes His believers and then Apocalypse starts, do not be left for that! đ„čâ€You can still call out to Him when kids are gone! Make sure you make Jesus your Lord and Saviourđâ€He loves you like crazy! He sees you, â„
đ
Trust in what He did on the cross for you! He died for our sins and then defeated the death by rising 3 days later!
!đâ€đ„č
I was raised by a diagnosed Narcissist (mother) and then proceeded to marry one (divorced) - all I have ever done is go to therapy and change me over and over and over. i am 55 now. I am desperate to stop hating me and life
Yep, some of these online "coaches" are more harm than good..đąđŠ and some of the advice from posters on those channels are downright dangerous..