Why Some Mothers Choose Not to Live With Their Kids | Topic
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- čas přidán 2. 05. 2019
- In this provocative short documentary, three women who made the decision to mother from afar tell their stories, and open up about what they lost‚ and gained‚ when they left the homes they had shared with their children.
At a time when there's growing acceptance for alternative family models, why does the idea of non-custodial motherhood still have the power to shock and appall?
The Last Taboo
Directed by Chloe White
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Why Some Mothers Choose Not to Live With Their Kids | Topic
• Why Some Mothers Choos...
#Topic - Zábava
This was my mom. She left me in the care of my dad when I was four, and this was the best decision she could've made. My dad was the one with the parental instinct, not her, and I had a wonderful childhood.
I wish my mother did this
It is very satisfying to hear you accepted everything and grew up with no judgment and issues against her. God bless you all ❤️
My father left my brother and I when we were little, and I can say it definitely has affected especially my brother quite deeply. 😞 😞
Wow
It's great that it worked out well in your situation. 🤍
And THIS is why, when women say we don’t want children, stop saying “oh you’ll change your mind” 😠
I totally agree. I don't like kids or babies and never for a second did. I also suffer from anxiety and depression that I just about manage to keep at bay. My father keeps making this speach every year, on how I'm so mean for not giving him grandchildren and his life is worthless because of this.
Love this comment! There needs to NOT be a stigma to people who choose not to have children. Women who have kids and love being mothers need to stop projecting their feelings onto other women. It's great to be a mother and great if that's what you choose for your life. However, it's just as valid for a woman to choose NOT to be a mom, especially on this overpopulated planet. It's just really sad for the kids who were born to them. I bet these women wouldn't have had children if it hadn't been pressed upon them that that was the next step.
@@Me-40 thank you! i always feel there is something up with those women that need to proclaim how much they love being a mom........i always give them the side eyes b/c its weird to me.
As much as I want children not everyone wants or needs children. It's not anyone's business whether someone has children or not.
YES preach
I truly believe whoever is the MOST FIT parent should be the one who has custody. Should not define mother or father.
That is how it actually works in most courts. Sometimes though neither are fit.
I think children over the age of 12 or are in high school should be allowed to choose which parent to live with. All others, I think primary parent should get primary custody
@@krustycrb7182 no they shouldnt
Its too easy to manipulate a teenager
Just tell them they can drink alcohol and stay in their friends house once a week and boom theyre in love with you
Bc in teenagehood we tend to seek freedom rather than logical choices
@@dlalalabu5956 This sounds like something that someone who doesn’t have a good relationship with their kids would say. Letting the kids choose is only opposed by the ones who wouldn’t be chosen
@@krustycrb7182 i dont have a kid smh
I do have a teenager cousin tho
I wish we'd get an interview with the children, ti see how they feel about their relationship with their mother.
This is the only question I’m interested in, honestly.
@@postlukecore Honestly. One woman said that her relationship with her son was awesome because they could do any & everything they wanted when they wanted to, but I wonder how the son feels about his mother only seeing him what(?) a couple times a year. I dont think that creates and sustains a good lasting relationship. I wished interview the children now & then after they have children, to see if their opinions have changed or stayed the same.
Yeah, I was wondering the same thing. My mom chose not to raise me when I was 10 and although I respect her decision and I realize it doesn't mean she doesnt love me or that it was easy for her, there was and there still is a huge hole there in my life and I have some "mommy issues" which makes relationships difficult for me & I was sent to my grandparents who didnt want me either so yeah, I can see how something like this could go wrong.
But I think perhaps there is a way to make it a healthy relationship if there is open communication or visits; which I didn't have so I am curious as to the other side of this, the mothers seem to be happy in their decision but I wonder about the fathers and the children. I would feel the same way if a father decided not to raise their children too.
@@postlukecore I’m actually interested in both, as female health for the obvious reasons is the corner stone of every society, and what tips the balance between it being a healthy society or a toxic one, which is what we have had thus far (and exactly because we have been ignoring female health).
Unfortunately, this doesn’t seem like a healthy dynamic for society to accept and adopt as a whole if what the science has been saying about children needing secure attachments from parents that are physically and emotionally available is correct. For the daughters of these mothers who have chosen to physically separate themselves, what sort of female health will this manifest in to when these daughters become women and/or mothers themselves? The answer is not separation but more resources, more community, a village. For mammals, such as elephants whose young need 24 hr around the clock care, the females in the community take turns caring for the young. When this care is not met, the young elephant suffers emotionally and physical. I can imagine, the implications this can also have for us humans as a species. Due to the lack of support and even pain these mothers have experienced in their childhood and in everyday life, I understand why they left. I get it. But to say we need to “rethink” this idea of motherhood to fit your pain and your circumstances, no. This dynamic is not ideal for a child, the next generation.
Sometimes being a good mom, means realising you're not a good mom.
So true!
Its something that comes with lesrning and practice
God if only my mom realized that.
@@Ratsoftheswamp My dad and mom got together after she got divorced so she had three preteens already before they had me. My older siblings (technically half-siblings, but that distinction doesn't matter to me) have told me they didn't believe my dad was a good step dad to them and my dad admitted that he wasn't ready to have kids when he and my mom chose to keep me, an unexpected pregnancy. I honestly wish my mom's ex husband had raised me. My bio dad had PTSD and problems he should have sorted out before choosing to be a parent. The really crazy thing is that a couple years after they had me, my parents decided to have ANOTHER child. It was a pretty bad choice...
I think we shame people too much for not being able to be parents and then they feel like if they conceived the kid, they have to be the one to take care of it. It'd be better for everyone if we just let them admit that they can't handle it and provide more avenues for them to transfer custody to someone else. It's hard to trust adoption agencies given some of the scandals we've seen so I feel like more action needs to be taken by each community and the government to ensure that people know the children will be safe.
Not everyone is cut out to have children . If your inner voice is screaming No, don't do it. The children suffer.
They shouldn't have children in the first place. These women knew that they didn't want children
@@roshnik5137 That is true, but as someone who is child-free, I assure you EVERYONE constantly bombards you with "oh, it's different when they are your own" and other such nonsense. People end up doubting themselves and believing they are just anxious and that everything will somehow just change. The people who pressure child-free folks and the child-free folks who think everything will somehow just change, are both dumb, but that is (in large part) the problem. If you're not positive you want children, do not have them. It is far better to not have children than to have children you don't love.
There are other times when you love to have children, but your partner takes over everything and kills your personality completely and your soul is dying inside
@@roshnik5137 yes, except that's hard to do when society basically shames a woman into having kids the don't want. I'm surprised there aren't many more non-custodial mothers.
That is totally me....i thought i was abnormal....i married my soulmate but still NO to children...i KNEW, i didnt want to have children....in my 50's now, i never regret not having any....eventhough i get alot of bombardment from family, friends even my in-laws....i knew if i have them, the children & i will suffer
As a nanny , I can 1000% say I’ve had better connections with children more than they had with their mom . I’ve worked with moms who need me 24/7 even though they have free time . I’ve seen children being neglected by mom , and it’s honestly furious . If you do not feel like having kids is for you after your first kid . Please do NOT have a second one . Because it’s not fair for the children .
Exactly! Kids aren’t props for a family photo. Some people should really listen to their gut instinct telling them that they shouldn’t have kids.
Thank you for being such a caring nanny, my nanny was my everything and she raised me not my mother
@@yaritzacuevas2965 aww thank you and I’m so happy you were able to experience a nanny’s love . Sorry to hear your mother didn’t raise you , I’m sure that was or is hard to deal with . But sometimes that’s okay , because a nanny is there to replace that when it’s not given by the mothers child . So I’m happy you got to experience a nanny’s maternal love . I love all of my babies I’ve worked for 🥰💕💕💕💕
But aren't they keeping you in business
@@theREALESTrealistUNPOPULAR your keeping me in yours
It’s kind of wild how humans constantly force themselves through situations they KNOW are wrong. Moving to a different country, walking down the aisle with a man you don’t love, having children. I wish we were all strong enough to just say no.
*Women. It's disproportionately women who lack the strength to say no, because we are taught from birth that saying no is bad, mean, etc. We are taught the opposite of sticking up for ourselves: that a good girl does as she's asked and doesn't talk back, doesn't question. Just give an adult a hug, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you. Don't talk back when your father bullies you. Etc.
It's all very well to say no when there are other viable options. Nothing to do with strength. Sometimes strength is staying until you're able to leave and succeed.
@@ms.d5195 Very wise words
@@katcampbell9213 hard won wisdom. Thank you for the kind comment.
I am privileged, live in a modern society and break many norms as it is. And I still feel a huge pressure to have kids, as this is seen as truly successful and natural. It is so much more than just saying no. It is a human thing to believe others know something we don't, that there has to be something we are missing out on. Or why would parents constantly try to convince non-parents you "never regret having kids" and "when you become a mother, you feel fulfillment as a woman and human". And if you still persist you don't want it there has to be something wrong with you and ppl can even get mean saying "then get sterilized if you hate kids so much, you don't deserve to have any" and "oh grow up, life is not about going out drinking and being selfish" (like that is the only thing a life without kids can be) I would be a good parent. It's just not a priority. But I can so, so much see how ppl are convinced to do it.
“If I was a man I wouldn’t be in the interview” that says a lot actually
Deep…
It’s because a woman not wanting their children is an exception. It’s not just because of societal pressure, we give birth to them, we have a lot invested. I say this as a woman. I don’t want to see this normalized. Mothers & fathers are both important, and I don’t think either should want to walk away. How can we? What about them? 👀 When I 1st became a mom, it felt alien to me. But there’s no way I could just walk away. Same with my husband. It’s a hard job, but it’s worth it.
@@noelc2 Well for some ppl it isn't worth it. Society should stop pressuring ppl to have children. It is not for everyone and never was.
A true statement.
@@geezhey6124 No one is pressuring people to have kids. But if you do, don’t walk away. That’s a child who will not understand why mom or dad left. Unfortunately it happens everyday.
The common theme here is all these women needed love and support and didn't have it.
I completely agree.
To the point 👍
True.
But then they went on and did that to their children... not exactly the same, but it was a degree of abandonment nonetheless.
exactly, each one of them describes feelings of loneliness, not knowing how to parent, and even not having friends or family like the woman from Estonia. I also think some of these mothers could even be battling some post natal depression
Postpartum depression is also a reality. I think all of these women felt it, along with feeling rejected by their own families, etc.
I was thinking the same thing. Maternal mental health really needs to be addressed and taken care of.
Yap i have a friend whose mum gave full custody to the dad because she had severe postpartum
That was my instinct. Also, to be fair, they all had some trauma that could have exacerbated postpartum or manifested as PTSD. I particularly related to the woman who was stuck in Estonia. I had my first child at 18, and my second at 19. While pregnant with my second, I had to leave my husband because of his violent temper. After giving birth to my daughter, my family and I had to make secretive arrangements to fly from my home of California to Colorado. Not exactly another country, but at 19 with two babies, and post C-section, it might as well have been. It was the most bizarre mental anguish I went through. However, my babies were the ONLY good thing, and while it was a difficult living arrangement, I was doing it for them as well as myself, so there was that.
They have postpartum because motherhood (in our current society) is an isolated task. It should never be 100% the women’s part to raise children. We need more community based approaches that eases the workload for all mothers. I think then, there would be a lot let depressed mothers.
While I understand what you’re saying, there are women who have partners, and who are married, and still experience postpartum depression. Just as this video showed, 2 of the women were married and still developed depression and possibly postpartum depression after giving birth. Someone’s martial status has nothing to do with mental illness.
I was raised by my Father. I saw my mom when I wanted to but I never lived with her. It was the best thing for me. I have a great relationship with both parents.
Thank you. I was raised by my dad too.
Me too
There it is, very simply put: Things changed; my mom moved out; My dad raised me, but I could see my mom when I wanted.
The child is faced with a change in circumstances, and adapts. When parents both want “custody” the drama and the awfulness begins and it’s usually about $$$$!
This is why you should never pressure anyone into the so called life script. It's not for everyone.
Exactly 💯
Hahahaha
Only one of them was pressured. The restade a conscious decision. Then it turned out that motherhood is hard and oops
Lol @ your username
Yes people should not be pressured to do things but where is the Pride of being able to say you are a single mother, why are single fathers praised and single mothers chastised, even saying that deadbeat moms should be honored and respected ties into disrespecting single motherhood, they would rather abandon their children and give the responsibility to a Single Father.
So much disrespect in being a single mother that these women completely checked out, and it should be a taboo to abandon your children as it is for men.
Why it is meant to be honorable, I don't know. Difficult things are really worthwhile. It's never easy to be a parent, great for them indulging in complete narcissism that of an absentee father- oh how far Feminism has brought my glorious gender! Praise the Lord
Hi everyone, my name is Nataly and I am one of the mothers featured in this documentary. You may ask me anything (respectfully) in the comment thread and I'll try my best to answer. What people may not know about me is that I am not a non-custodial mother by choice. I was the primary caretaker for our children, and settled after years of legal battles because the legal bombardment bankrupted me financially and emotionally and I could no longer stand the aggresive legal attacks. The children's father has 4 more days a month than I do, which makes him the custodial parent. I am very involved, and I am class mother, PTA volunteer, and an Integral part of their lives. My children and I speak every single day when they're not with me. They regularly get to see their grandparents, aunts and uncles. At first I was very ashamed about being a non-custodial mother, and that is why I started my organization Amazing Mothers Without Custody to bring awareness that there are other mothers out there like me. I did not become a non-custodial mother by choice. I love my children, and my world centers around them. However, I am making the best of a terrible unfortunate situation. My goal is to break the stigma associated with non-custodial mothers because we do not all fit the stereotype.
the ONLY thing your children care about, no matter what form it comes in, is your consistent presence in their life. Children are equally intelligent and simple, if you love them they know, and if you don't care about them they know that too. It's clear you fit in the former category.
My mother left when I was 2 and I didn't see or hear from her again until I was around 16. So much of my pain and poor self esteem and lack of identity could have been helped if she had simply picked up the phone once in a while or sent a birthday card every year or just done SOMETHING. Just a small thing would have spoken much, that she did love me, that she didn't forget about me, that I was important.
The last thing I want to say is just keep an open dialogue with your little ones. Be an environment that they never ever have to second guess if they should speak their mind or not, in this endeavor you will always be able to have positive loving conversations with them about their individual needs they feel aren't being met. These two things, I think, are the secrets to raising well adjusted humans. You're doing great momma, keep going.
Thank you for taking part in this important film Nataly and thank you for your honesty.
How old is your kid/kids currently
Hi Natalie I am one of the non custodian mothers also my ex after a few years of him having custody of my kids he cuts ties with me I didn't see or talk to my kids ever since I am trying to adjust
Do you feel this documentary painted you in a bad light? (hi BTW) it's just none of that was mentioned (the legal battle) and it seems that may have been intentional to fit their narrative (?). Also, another point if I may, would you do anything differently? Thank you in advance ❤️
that is the reason why I think it is so harmful to have kids just because you think this is expected of you, and when they're here, you realize that you never wanted them.
My mother was not a mothering type so I never learned how to be a mother and I never wanted to be a mother. So I wasn't. Best decision I ever made.
Good for you for doing what is right for you❤
My married cousin also chose to be child free. Her and her husband are also teachers (they like kids). They are content with their decision and seem just as happy as everyone else in the family.
Well put. I feel like even tho I didn’t get a motherly mother either (and instead got an abusive one) I would still know how to be a mother myself, since I am naturally loving and caring towards children (without being overbearing or too permissive tho; there’s a balance). I’ve been a teacher for the past 10 years. However I am still not that pressed about having kids, and so I ended up child free too. It’s seriously just never been a priority for me, I came into this life with other missions and tasks, with another kind of work to do.
My mother was not a mothering type which pushed me to want to be the best mother I could be. I wanted a big family. I had two children and very quickly realised I couldn’t be a good mother to multiple children. I knew my limits and stuck to them. I still wish I could have had that big family but it’s not in my make up. It wouldn’t have been fair to any of the children. Women need to listen to their own instincts. We know what’s best for ourselves.
Good for you for breaking that cycle! The world would be better off if most people had introspection.
"Nobody loves their husbands when they get married." God, I can't even imagine the suffering the women in that community must be going through.
Ah well, ain't that the beauty of the culture of arranged marriages combined with social/family pressure of great magnitude? Happens in the majority of non-western societies as well, if you are sent to university/college you are lucky 😊 at least the aunties won't bother you right after finishing secondary education with a list of 'potential candidates'
I also can't imagine marrying someone you don't love, who doesn't love you, and isn't your idea of the perfect candidate for a friend. 😱
The look on her face in her wedding pictures broke my heart.
I know a girl in her 20's who had an arranged marriage. Her parents would not let her marry her previous bf. Years into her marriage, she was still very unhappy.
I'm an orthodox jewish woman. Met my husband at the age of 20 (he was 23). We were "set up" by my aunt. We went out on probably about 10-15 dates, dated for about 6-8 weeks, and then got married a few months later! Though I definitely "liked" my fiance before we got married, I can't say we were really "in love" at the time. Now, almost 11 years later, we are still very happily married and beautifully suited to each other. This system of courtship may seem strange to many, but it works in the majority of cases. And no, I am not suffering, I am thriving. Just thought I'd add my two cents. (And by the way, I am also NOT expected to be "elated" and "joyous" all the time about mothering my four children- it can be very hard and people in my social circles with kids understand and sympathize!)
I so appreciate their honesty. This is exactly why I've chosen to stay in the Cool Auntie Club. Not everyone is meant to be a parent; just like not everyone is meant to be a spouse, or banker, or doctor, etc.
Thank you for being responsible and knowing you couldn’t do it, there should be more ppl that think like you...
@@sharonlee_333 Let’s not assume MissARB “couldn’t” do it. I think all she’s saying is her preference was to “not” do it. “Couldn’t” and “don’t want to” are not synonymous
cool auntie club all the way. I even work with kids and love it but do NOT want my own
Exactly. I just don't have that mentality to be a mother. It's hard for me to take care of myself, so why would I want to add a child into the mix. Plus, I like working, and I think I'd go insane if I had to stay cooped up inside with a crying baby all day. But it's sad how I'm seen as an oddity whenever I tell them I don't have kids. Especially on Mother's Day. I'm just not financially and mentally stable enough to have one.
@@tiajoseph7309 You only get one life. You have every right to live life the way YOU want to. Don’t listen to those busy bodies. They get their own life. You get yours.
As someone whose mother gave up custody and barely visited throughout my childhood I am actually very grateful that she just allowed my dad to take me. He is the most loving person I know and plays the role of dad and mum seamlessly. She has her own kids now but I haven't spoken to her in years.
Ty for telling your story. This video makes it look like everything is ok now but the truth is these woman will some day no longer have freedom. They will be too old to care for themselves and too old to have fun. They will find themselves alone and their children will forget them. Sad but maybe these woman deserve that lesson.
I’d rather this then those horror stories of mother’s killing their children or theirselves.
So true...women are expected to grin and bear through so much!!! worst case scenarios, it is socially acceptable if the father doesn't want to be present - and the poor woman is expected to be strong and raise them on her own:-(
My thoughts exactly 💯 mother's are killing their kids here in Texas like crazy....it's so heartbreaking 💔
Don't go for extremes
@@MayaNirwan it's not that extreme it does happen. google is literally free.
Exactly
If the child is better off with a parent more than another parent, that should be the most important consideration.
Hopefully, that was the case with these families. They didn't say much about the fathers...
Yep
@@noemi5225 these mother’s are clearly disconnected from their children. They need a parent who can’t see their life without them.
Or both parents could step up instead of making excuses to be a weak absent parent without feeling guilty for it
Ex my meth head mom abandoned us "for our own good." No lol, her reason is b.s.. She left us because she is weak, and chose meth over her children. She made the choice to be shitty. She and parents like her should be held accountable instead of us settling with "well at least there's one parent, that's better than the other parent"
Because parents *choose* to be good or bad
happened to me and I accepted ,I only want his happiness
It’s okay to not want children or to get married. The most important thing is that if you do have kids your children should know they are loved & wanted. Issues of Abandonment are one of the hardest things to over come for anyone. Those issues trickle down into every relationship you have in your life.
Agreed!
Absolutely true. Even at 50 it still hurts and is confusing.
Absolutely I've been the child in this scenario, it is emotionally scarring.
But none of these children were abandoned by their mothers
@@-Suie- abandoned is exactly how it feels
It's better to admit you're not a good mom and step back. It's the ones who don't wanna be involved but won't admit it. Wound their kids over and over. Getting their hopes up
Its not about being a good mom. Its how much the mom would sacrifice for her children to love them and raise them. It’s the selfish types that step out of mothering because all they care for is them selves.
Iana I think it's more selfish to let a little kid stand at a window and wait on broken promises of showing up, only calling sporadically, manipulating the kid and making up excuses as to why you were absent. Claiming "love" when really mother's day and sometimes Christmas are the only times you'll actually go out of your way to bother with the kid. Parading them around and getting a little social media clout.
I'd much rather those kind walk away. The kids get a normal childhood in spite of the mother's absence because there are more that love them. While a mother's absence can't be replaced it's survivable. It causes more emotional pain to constantly stand a kid up and play house with them when ya feel like it. I was a step mom and watched it. Felt helpless and because I didn't want the kid to hate me, I played along with her excuses and reassured him I was sure she loved and missed him n something might of happened that she couldn't come right away. Watched him thrive in her absence, no fake I miss you phone calls .and barely ask about her. And when she would decide to bother with him she'd just rub salt on his wounds when she did. It's either be a mother or don't. If I felt I couldn't do it I would walk away from my children. But I can and I never will. I'll never forgive that barbarian for that. She should have walked away and stopped breeding. He would have forgotten about her when he was the little.
@@Lana.N.7 Sometimes, it's a lot more toxic to stay knowing you don't want to be there. Society pressures women to have kids, and they think it's what they're born to do. Once they realize no matter what they do, it's not a good role for them; it's too late. It's not about being selfish. I have heard of moms who develop mental health issues, including becoming suicidal because they stayed.
I cant help but think even if i were to step back they would search for me. Maybe they would remember the kisses and hugs. The dresses and bows. The presents and cake. And wonder where the lady went who made all of that into reality.
@@erk44 kids will be fine if they're loved and wanted by other family. I have fully witnessed a small child suffer at the hands of a mother who would do that on her terms and make calls and never show as she told him she would. It was very painful. If you are not decided on staying please at least make sure you follow through on those promises. It's a horrible thing to watch. I think at some point all moms go through this. It's just a matter of deciding to go or making it the best situation possibly while you stay.
Ok so the title made me think they are still involved in their kids’ lives, they just for some reason sleep in a different house.
Nope. They just left.
Same here lol! Very misleading title.
Agreed. Why misleading title? Beating around the Bush adds to the stigma, it doesn't help it
@ThatOne honestly tho what could they have provided to the child if they didn’t leave . Like I swear y’all love to beat down people that choose to leave their kids but then stand with kids who are or has been living in abusive house holds . Not everyone wants kids and leaving them is better than causing a strained relationship and putting that child through a lot more than what is needed
Men do the same thing every day and no one batts an eyelid. The marriages were over and one parent had to leave. To say a father can't raise his child on his own is a deeply shitty thing to say about men.
I thought the same thing! Lol I was wrong. I honestly understand them though.
If a woman realizes she is not interested in mothering full time, the best thing to do is to leave the child in the care of someone who wants to be a parent. I grew up knowing that my mother did not want to be a parent and the resentment I felt took me YEARS to heal from. I don't judge these women at least they are being honest and while it it likely hurtful or confusing to the children, it is probably less hurtful than being in the presence of an angry, resentful and potentially abusive parent.
Agreed! Very well said!
@American Ajumma I'm grateful that I've found sufficient healing through forgiveness (not condoning or making excuses) and embracing the strength I have gained along the way and can now share with other. I hope you have a good support system, there are a lot of taboos around this topic, it's important to have 1 - 2 wise and trusted people in your life to lean on and trust me, that works wonders
One 👏🏾 more 👏🏾 time 👏🏾 for 👏🏾 the 👏🏾 critics 👏🏾 in 👏🏾 the 👏🏾 back.
If a woman realizes she is not interested to be mother, dont get pregnant and if accident happens consider abortion.
Sorta....only 1 was placed in a situation where she didnt really have a choice....1 had a traumatic loss.....but the 3rd should not have had a child to figure out she didn't want a child.
Raising children is incredibly difficult. I don’t know how single parents do it when in some cultures children are literally brought up by the entire community.
My parents are moving to where me and my husband live, to share a big house with us, to help us raise our children. My husband’s parents, and his uncle and aunt, and two of his cousins and their children, also live on our street. So quite literally, we are a large family community, all on the same land, all raising our children together. Because it’s so hard raising kids!! So there will be 6 grandparents, 5 adult children, and our 7 children. And we KNOW that all our children will be better for being raised in such a large family community. It’s such a HUGE blessing.
Most single lower class women have enormous feminine support from their Moms, Aunts etc.
It is incredibly difficult, but the love for your children carry you through, and you'd do it all over again in a heartbeat!
@@shanimarais9695 Honestly, I became a single mother at nineteen. Would I do it all over again? Yes, with the right support system, in a healthy marriage and enough emotional capacity. I wouldn't want to do this all over again the way I'm doing it now tho...
I have 4 so proud of raising my children by myself, God helped me 🤗🥰😷🙏
i'm so grateful to be childfree. best decision of my life
The happiest senior I ever had pleasure of hanging out with said not having kids was the best decision of her life.
@@sidehustletips thanks for this comment. I always wondered how older people felt about the decision.
I can only imagine what it's like to get off work and not have parenthood responsibilities. Please enjoy your life, savor it. I certainly wish I could.
I experienced this at 19 years old. My daughter will be 11 in September, she prefers to live with her father and step mom. I’ve learned to be ok with it because it was never about me in the first place.
What do you mean it was never about you? Your life is obviously all about you, otherwise you'd be selflessly taking care of your responsibilities and the CHOICE you made to have a child.
@cockoffgewgle4993 I did selflessly took care of my kids and husband. And now I see at the age of 50 that my life is wasted on them .
I don't belong to them . They don't belong to me. I don't know how to get separated and live as all my life I was the mother and the wife.
I honestly wish my mom did this.She hated being the full time parent. But she did it because that’s what moms are “supposed to do”. She did the bare minimum of parenting. She also made it very clear she was counting the days,weeks and months till my 18th birthday. As an adult I understand that she had issues bigger than me. But as a kid I felt worthless and unloved.
I am so sorry, Brooke! You are so loved and so unique. God makes no mistakes, and I hope you know that YOU ARE WORTHY! Jesus loves you and is desperate for a relationship with you. People on this earth will always disappoint and let you down. Turn to Jesus, not RELIGION, Jesus! 🙏🙏🙏
@@brooketaylor6226I can’t thank you enough for your kindness. With prayer and therapy I was able to heal. It’s so crazy that you suggested finding Jesus but not religion. Because once I gave up “religion” I was finally able to connect with Jesus.
@@brookew2403 You are so welcome!!! I feel like everybody is going through anxiety/restlessness right now... but through Christ we will get to the other side! You are what your bloodline has been waiting for... you’re breaking generational curses and setting the stage for this next season of your life! Praying the blood of Jesus over you and your loved ones! ❤️
You never asked to be brought into the world. : ( This situation is so sad.
same
The girl that was told “you don’t bring anything to the table, you need to marry him.” That broke my heart and made me angry for her.
Yeah that was nauseating to hear. I feel so terrible for her. 😪
She DOESNT bring anything to the table and that’s clear. She’s a complete failure
It's such a spiteful thing to say. I feel really sorry for her too.
@@newona4313 why do YOU get to decide who's a "failure"? Everyone is worthy of being themselves. Things like social status don't matter when it comes to the quality of a person.
@@newona4313 🤣😂🤣😂she could have left it at being an abandoned child herself. We have all been told all sorts of things.
Rebecca had postpartum depression, Nataly had a traumatic childhood with her mom, and Maria lost a child and fell into depression. I feel such empathy for all 3.
I feel sympathy for the children that were robbed of a mother and discarded like trash.
What is noticable is that most if these interviewed woman don’t feel good after they had their babies, but kept those feelings to themself. I think it’s so important for you as mother and your children to be honest about your feelings. Weather its your family member, your husband, a friend.. and when you don’t feel understand by them. Go to someone professional.
Such a good point
Yes this is what I was thinking! Tell the truth- don't hide what you're suffering with.
I knew in high school that I wasn't going to marry or be a mother. Got those right. 63 and no regrets.
I had an inkling at 17 but it was whilst working in a nursing home with a lovely lady in her 80's who was childless, that I knew I was going to do my best to avoid it.
42 and no kids. I like hanging around those in my family as they can be a lot of fun but I LOVE handing them back to their parents at the end!
Sad...
I have no regrets either..
I was married for six years and so glad I left. I am 63 also, divorced for 35 years and no kids. It was a waste of time being married!
I like you Diane.
Soooo are we not going to talk about perinatal/postpartum depression, depression, and grief in these? Why is still such little support for us women going through this??
I was thinking the same thing, maybe they needed help and since this is a taboo then they felt leaving it was the right thing to do. Men do this too they think they kid will be better with the mom because they think they are not good enough to raise a child and they don’t want That responsibility. Bottom line is a child needs both parents reality is is not always possible!
Was thinking the same. Rebecca and some sound like they had post partum depression
I think this is beyond postpartum depression. These women never had a desire to have kids. So it's not surprising they didn't connect once they had them. Yes there should be more acknowledgment about PPD, but wrong video to use for that argument.
That's not what this video is about. Two different scenarios.
@TpyoQueen agreed. I was thinking about how Nataly was literally just expressing much of what her mother went through, and un-addressed & repressed traumas
Fathers who leave their homes: suck at parenting.
Mothers who leave their homes: suck at parenting.
Did it happen to you ?
Yes. Period
not at all! a parent that stays for the sake of staying will cause more harm in the long run. Or said parent could snap and o=potentially really harm the child.
@@nicolepelletier9081 so if by staying a parent might hurt his family: he/she sucks at parenting. You just proved my point.
@@nicolepelletier9081 if they already have the potential to hurt a child then they are a bad parent.
My mother left my father when I was a baby and took me with her. She spent my entire childhood resenting me for reasons I still don't understand. She was abusive, cold, and demeaning. She isolated me from and turned me against my father, grandparents, aunts and uncles... basically anyone else who might be able to show me what love really was. I used to pray every day that someone would figure out how bad things really were in our home and take me away, while at the same time being terrified it would actually happen and I'd lose the only family I had, so I never spoke up about the abuse but still wish I could have.
To this day I have no relationship with my father or any of my extended family, and I haven't spoken to my mother in years. I wish my mother had left, or that someone had taken me away before too much damage was done. I think she felt she had no other choice. I look at my own children, now both teenagers, and realize my own mother was never capable of loving me, and wasn't ready or able to be a parent.
Sometimes kids are better off without one or both parents. Giving birth to a baby does not make someone magically qualified to be a good mother. There are plenty of times where a mother leaving is the best thing for everyone involved.
Yep. Me, too. Yet, to this day, I long for my mother's love, and set myself up for painful disappointment over and over again by reaching out to her hoping for a different interaction. 🤷♀️
We have a few family members who have done as your Mom did. Estranged their children from their families.
It may stem from fact that my mother wanted us, well most of us, it was the days of no birth control. However, she had no clue how to take care of 7 children, so us older two girls did a lot, ..the last 3 born were 10,11, and 12 years younger..
Mom tried to commit suicide a few times. The two times were when she found out she was pregnant with the last child. My older sis and I had to help her from her attempts. We were told to not tell anyone. I was 11. Good gracious what a time.
Fast forward, and not many of us had good relationships nor did they last and it was challenging.
I am the only one of the 7 (as well as two step siblings) who is with my one and only husband. Although we had our times too.
I can and cant understand the women in the video. However, there is some empathy.... they did not abandon their children, they still see their children.
I could write a lot on this, but to deny a child their extended family is a sin. And it is a form of abuse for sure. A child needs to know they belong and are loved by many, especially Aunts, Uncles, grandparents... My heart really breaks for you. I hope you have managed a good life in spite of it all.
I wish my mom had done this. She always felt so responsible for us but she was so miserable that she made everybody miserable.
My dad was a meth addict and my mom is very much an adult child herself. I wonder how things would have went for my sister and myself.
“She always felt so responsible for us” well she is your mother... lol
Exactly no point being around if you are negative
FACTS
@@beeninthisfandomlongerthan9500 I know, but when you have someone that is constantly miserable with her life, you stop understanding why TF they’re even around you if they always make comments about missed opportunities due to having kids. I guess only she understands it 100%.
I didn’t have that mother instinct so i never had children. Best decision i ever made i think.
Same ❤️
I have so much respect for people who know that having children is not for them. There are loads of people who absolutely shouldn't have children, but they do.
Sadly You’ll feel different when your old and have nobody to genuinely look after your best interest.
Same ❤️
@Leah613 you are right kids are not like those things they are better 🤣🤣🤣🤣.
I totally understand regretting having a kid... But it's really hard for me to sympathize when they know they regret their first and still get pregnant again.
I think access to birth control is not always a guaranteed thing, especially when they were having children. It used to be that doctors required the husband's permission for a prescription or sterilization surgery, and these things require money, recovery time, etc. And especially with people with more conservative religions, birth control may not have even been a socially acceptable option.
@@haileyburnette137they can just not have sex then
The saddest feeling in the world is to grow up knowing you're unwanted. I carry many scars and have never achieved true closeness with anyone. Not even my own children. I love my children dearly, but I always feel as if I'm not enough and that they will one day leave me too. I always thought that I would be the June Cleaver type but I learned I wasn't. So I got a job. And I return home to my children every evening. And I shower them with love with the hope that they will not be broken adults like me.
Lookup Patrick Teahan
My son's father and I truly share custody. They went to Alaska from Arizona for 4 months and people FREAKED OUT. Like, it's not like I shipped him to a stranger. It's his FATHER. Men do have equal ability to parent, you know.
This
I think this is fine!!! You’re not an absent parent. You care.
And your kids probably have such an exciting fun time going from AZ to Alaska!!!
A this is sooo ok. That is responsibility. This whole video is a child abandonment normalization. "If I was a man, I woupdnt be interviewed". Seriously?
They sure do thats why after 7 years of trying my hardest to get my daughters father to do his part i have cut him off. He was a single father when we met...to 2 kids. Down the line we had a child and he is a loser. He knows how much work it is so now im gonna do the best I can as a completely single mother.
I grew up with a horribly abusive father who told me I was useless and beat me till I was raw. I wondered why he had children. When he died I only felt relief. I wish he had left.
Some people are just not meant to be near children. Sorry, that was your experience Ralph.
People guilt me for saying that I’m waiting for my dad to die so I can feel relieved. I’m glad to know I’m not the only person who can feel that way.
@@dj_bae please connect with the proper authorities and/or a safe person and space. I pray for your peace and safety.
I'm sorry Ralph that happened to you.
GOD 😩 to feel relief says a lot about how he made you feel. I’m glad you did.
I appreciate their honesty in admitting they’d been forced into roles they didn’t want or weren’t prepared for or suited for
Why is it such a big deal when a mother doesn’t live with her children but a father not living with his children is commonplace but no one bats an eye
How about instead of thinking about how the parents are perceived you actually cared about how the children feel. Abandonment knowns no gender. Deep down I think you know this.
This however sounds like a ton of untreated postpartum trauma and depression.
I'm the mom in the video thumbnail. You're right...but there's also a heck of a lot of emotional abuse PTSD that I hadn't processed at the time of the filming. My ex made me believe that I was garbage. It took years for me to believe I wasn't.
Yeah, and these women shouldnt be shamed for that either
Childhood trauma, relationship trauma, pregnancy trauma, more relationship trauma, et cetera
@@amwocamazingmotherswithout2115
I'm being labelled a 'deadbeat mum' because they're with him. Abusive character assassination, from abusive fmr partners, like this is its own special niche of hell on Earth.
That’s exact what I thought!
My mother is my best friend. She literally had no time for anyone but us. We were always her priority and sometimes that makes me feel guilty. Now that she's older, our roles are reversed and I take care of her and try to give back as much as I can.
GOD BLESS YOU, I'M BLESSED TO HAVE A WONDERFUL DAUGHTER AND SON,THEY SAID THAT I'M THE BEST MOM IN THE WHOLE WORLD, AND THAT IS FANTASTIC BECAUSE MY OWN MOTHER, NEVER GIVE ME, LOVE, SHE WAS VERY RESPONSIBLE, SHE WORK AND GIVE ME FOOD AND SHELTER, BUT NEVER GIVE ME LOVE, HUG ME, KISS ME, OR TALK TO ME WITH THE INTEREST TO REALLY KNOW ME, I FEEL ALWAYS AS A BURDEN FOR HER AND MY BROTHERS, BUT ONE ONLY THING I HAVE A BIG GRATITUD, SHE ALLOW ME TO STUDY, AND LEARNING IS EVERYTHING, I DECIDE THAT I WOULD BE THE BEST MOM FOR MY KIDS, AND THE BEST DAUGHTER FOR HER.
@@yourhighness4746 That's the best thing you can do; provide for your children what you should have received. You will all benefit from your doing the right thing
That’s the situation with my mother and my grandmother.
@@yourhighness4746 good for you!!!
Same ❤️
My mother very often told me she didn’t want her children and I felt so unloved and unwanted- she was being honest and now I understand forced motherhood is unfair to the mother and especially the children
She was pressured into being a mother. As cold as it is to say, motherhood is a choice. Even if it involves sexual assault, a victim chooses to continue the pregnancy if they become pregnant and they choose to keep the child
Whilst it was unfair for her, still have to remember you're allowed to feel hurt. That's not something a nice person would say, personally for me. It may not 100% be her fault, but it was the cards she was dealt and chose to treat you like that.
I'm really sorry you were put in that situation.
@@valenciaing.4316 they victim doesn't always choose to keep the baby. For example the pro-birth movement in America trying to take that right away from women. And other countries that made abortion illegal.
@@valenciaing.4316 in the country I'm from its actually very difficult to have the right to have an abortion. Not even extreme poverty is enough of a reason.
Damn. She could’ve kept that to herself… you’re still her child
People in the comments are acting like they left their kids in the woods to fend for themselves. Hello? They left them with their fathers. Fathers =\= abandonment? When relationships don't work out, one has to leave. If the dad is better suited to raise the kids, why not let him do it? 🤷🏻♀️
Exactly
Thanks.
I agree. And when the moms are old, and the children don't wish to care for them, let the nursing home staff do it.
Why couldn't they SHARE the parental responsibilities though?
@@JillyBean_1987 I don't think leaving the kids' household automatically means being off the hook? Like, paying child support is a thing? And visitation?
Why do people get so double standardy when it comes to moms? If a dad leaves that's no big deal, but if mom does it she's a witch? It's crap.
Life is way more complicated than the holy mom stereotypes make it seem. Sometimes living with mom is not in the best interest of the child. Why can't we support each other instead of shitting on each other?
This is life changing for me. I have two children and I always wanted to be a mother and it is my joy, but I respect these women SO SO much for thier raw emotion. I love this. Thanks 🤯
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Same. I have one, want 2 more. But I would love for women to take more ownership and firmly say no if they don't want them.
These women had emotional wounds that are very deep, and this was probably the best outcome.
You respect women for abandoning their children?
WTF is wrong with modern women? Seriously?
@@cockoffgewgle4993 some people were not meant to be parents. I don't support abandonment, I support real humans that know what's best for thier children - even if that means they are not in the picture. Modern women are willing to say the quiet part out loud.
@@whittdiggittayy You're wilfully avoiding the point. People don't become parents miraculously. It's a decision women make. There's no valid reason for a woman to abandon a child she actively chose to produce. She made a commitment for the next 18 years when she chose to have a child.
Modern women only care about their only selfish desires, and other modern women support them in their actions. There's nothing brave or good about abandoning your child.
And it's usually men, often men who didn't even want or choose to be a Father, who have to do what's required.
Two of these women may have been dealing with postpartum depression and the other with grief. I wish they could have gotten the help they needed. I pray they are all healthy and happy now.
I agree especially the woman in the grey she had it for sure so sad
That's exactly what I though when she started to describe how she felt
It seems like they just didn’t want motherhood.
My thoughts exactly. I wonder if they might have had a better experience with their families if they had gotten the therapy and support they needed. Of course some of their situations might have been more complex than that but i found it concerning that PPD/PPA or PTSD weren’t even acknowledged. I think people are becoming more aware of it though.
I thought the SAME thing!! I don't think they had the tools they needed. They were severely depressed.
I am a stay at home mother of four and I even homeschool our children. I LOVE my life but I am the first person to say this life is NOT for everyone!! We need to stop putting pressure on couples to have children!
Especially on Women who say I don't want kids. If we can take Men at face value when they say I don't want kids. Why can't we do the same when it comes Women? I Just love how Men in the comment section have so much to say, and talking about daddy issues, yeah its because their dad's fecked up, that that daddy issues shit has became a sick culture joke to these Men🙄🗑
@@sarahjohnston3325 LOL yet no one holds narcissistic mother's accountable for their abuse. But go off on men I guess.
@@Vj-go7sg girl check your internalised misogyny please
Four kids?! Don’t you feel bad for overpopulating the world?
@@happypanda882 she is being supportive and non judgmental of these women but yet you put her and her life choices down, how very sisterly and pro woman of you🙄
All of these women chose this out of some type of trauma:
Losing a child
Moving to a foreign land
Arranged marriage
Then throw being young and having kids I could empathize with them. I do wonder the flip side of the coin about the children.
The woman who moved to Estonia and the one who had an arranged marriage both said that when they see their children now their relationships are much easier, more typically mother-child relationship. So for them, they probably benefited from this relationship even if they see their mother less often.
Trauma? I think you mean narcissism.
We need to normalize not having children if we don’t want them. I wanted to be a mother and have raised my kids. But that isn’t the case with all women.
It’s selfish to have children and then abandon them whether you’re a man or a woman.
Sure. All other things being equal. The reality is that nothing is equal. Choosing to have children, get married, etc aren't always "choices".
@@SapphireMist888 but moral obligation apart you cannot force intimacy from parent to child or even vice versa. It should be a natural organic thing, not forced or endured to satisfy a societal value when the woman knows at her core she is not suited for traditional motherhood. In nature some animals eat their young; in reality some mothers lise their shit after giving birth hormones awry. It is not like you can give them back aftef going through with the choice thst maybe was never a choice but an obligation
exactly! it is selfish and inhumane to have kids and then abandon them.
How is what they did abandonment?
These women sound like they had post natal depression and zilch support.
Yep. Some of them should not have had children, but people are shocked when they don’t support mothers and then they leave. Women are expected to shoulder the burden alone without complaint.
@The Nothing bruh wth? Maybe at the moment they did want children but it didn't turn out well for them in the end 🙄
@The Nothing did you even watch the video?
@The Nothing these women were married and in stable relationships when they had children. Your "argument" makes zero sense. You seem to have an opinion on women's reproductive rights and that's fine, but that's not what this video is about.
@The the not all of the women in this video were able to choose not to have children
If every parent would be this honest about their issues with not bonding properly with their children, there would be far few cases of child abuse. Much rather see parents like this, who know something isn't right and don't ignore the nagging doubts.
Yes one in 10 children is abused at home! We need to stop pressuring people into parenthood.
bonding in captivity is sad
@Pixie SO TRUE!!!!
One hundred percent agree. This is spot on.
After reading some of the ignorant comments here parents can't express their fears, presumed failures, or anything less than perfection without being judged.
Poor kids. I remember an anecdote my family history teacher told us on the last day of class-she grew up next to a foster home and so she'd walk to school with kids who had been taken away from their parents, a lot of the time for very bad things. And she said that without exception, no matter what had transpired, all these kids ever really wanted was their mothers.
Yes, this is true.
I worked with abused children in a home for a couple of years. I could never get over the love and loyalty these children had for their moms and the great desire they had to be reunited with them...regardless of what those women had put them through.
It's astonishing how loyal kids can be towards their mother/father even the one that abused them.
I'm a social worker who worked in cps. This is absolutely true, no matter the degree of abuse and neglect. I can't recall one case where the kid(s) didn't desperately want to go home to their moms and/or dads. It was heartbreaking. 😭 They always cried and acted out after parental visits.
It’s true, children are so forgiving of their mothers. Staunchly loyal even when those mothers are deserving of their trust, love and forgiveness.
The kids parents are their entire universe. At that age nothing exists beyond the parnet.
This is so sad. They all needed help with their depression and loneliness. It's unfair they had to flee for their own sanity.
OMG!! You understand.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
@@KristiContemplates 🤗 i wish my mother had left. Maybe we would have somewhat of a relationship now. She needed help but that wasn’t my responsibility unfortunately!
@@KristiContemplates I had an emergency c section and then my baby has started having colic. Half a year later he's still suffering. If I hadn't had a lot of help, I would have needed to give him up for adoption. My parents took him for 9 hours a day and my husband for 4 hours after work. Give or take. I had him for about 12 hours + feeding times. And it was still very hard. People don't know what it means to have a baby that screams blue murder when you just want to pee for a minute. I believe that post partum depression is just burn out because our society let's parents down.
I was raised by my grandmother from birth. She was the most wonderful mother a child could have. She taught me well and loved me deeply. I owe her everything.
This is a beautiful comment
Beautiful ♥️
I was actually going to add in many south Asian cultures children are brought up the grandparents, while the parents went out and worked
Same I was raised by my grandmother and she was the best mother
Same here. My first and only experience of true love in life. So grateful for it. Nothing like a grandmothers love!!
Post partum depression. Cultural expextations. Loneliness. Isolation. Too much pressure and no supportsystem for these mothers. Tragic💔
Yup 💯
Tragic... for the kids.
Tragic for both. They think that it just wasn't meant for them when in reality it could if they had the proper support. Tragic for the kids who could have had better mother had they had the tools available to them
Smh you all missed the point of this video. Rn you’re sitting here saying the only explanation for why they didn’t want the children was a chemical imbalance. Weren’t you listening? They didn’t wanttttt kids. They never wanted kids. They never wanted that life.
If it was a man you wouldn’t think he had to have a chemical imbalance to not want kids smh. Completely missed the message.
Could they be experiencing some of that? Yes. Is that and a lack of support why they failed to succeed as mothers? No. They never wanted to be one in the first place
funny how everyone in the comments is pissed about them abandoning their children yet we've normalized fathers leaving so much to the point that 1/5 kids in america dont have fathers
Just as bad. Both disgusting.
Who normalized that tho? Whenever I hear/read about fathers abandoning their children I see them being called POS, deadbeat, all that (rightfully so). Stop trying to come with the double standard card. Majority of people think that parents- regardless of gender- who leave their kids are POS.
@Lindsey Bailes idk 100% about how others think about ppl leaving their kids, mine was just a guess. I sure af think that if you brought a child to this world and just peace out you're a selfish piece of shit with a fly on top.
Yup
Don't even lol my father left me when I was 3 months old, I still give him shit for it after finding him 5 years ago. Lol absemt fathers get just as much shit, stop getting pregnant by trashy men.
it is not “normal” for a mother NOR a father to live away from their child. the fact that this is being normalized is odd.
She was making a comparison. She didn’t say that that’s the way it’s supposed to be. It’s very normal in some places, meaning that people don’t question it when it happens. Not that it’s a good idea or that people thrive in it.
@@lCarlsenl hello! not really sure what you’re arguing here... we may be on the same page, but i’m not sure.
the introduction of the video has a woman saying, “i’ve spent some time trying to figure out why it’s so upsetting to other people that i made the decision that i made.” she says it in a condescending tone, as if she really can not comprehend why this is a problem, because it has been normalized that children are sufficient with one parental role. people are not upset that she is choosing the wear a purple dress over a red dress. they are upset because she has absolutely no problem living away from her child. in fact, it’s odd to her that people are upset, because it should be normal. you saying in some areas it’s normal is exactly what my argument is about. it should never, in no circumstance, be “normal” to not live in, and interact in your child’s life.
Truly. This world is almost dead. So sad. But we will all answer for our actions. Everyone of us.
I gave my son up for adoption when he was 4 months old. I tried. I knew I couldn’t be a single mother and I had anger issues to navigate. I can only hope he is okay. He’s 25 years old now.
Many adopted children would love to be able to meet their real parents as they hold no grudge towards them. If it's important to you to know how he's doing now, maybe one day you decide to look for him. It probably wouldn't be easy to reunite, but it could also prove to be very beneficial and restorative for the both of you.
You sound like a birth mother who could add some extra happiness to your grown child’s life. It’s very possible he’s looking for you. Have you considered a reunion?
You did the most loving thing a mother can and should do, put her child first, make sure his needs are met and he has the best possible life you can give him, even if that means letting someone else who is ready, able, and really wants to raise him. He is old enough for you to reach out to him and let him know that you did what you thought was best for him and just want to know he is ok.
it's interesting, sometimes the most motherly decision is that, wishing the best for your baby, knowing that he/she is gonna be better with other family.
I think you made a very brave decision.
I feel like this really highlights how our expectations of childcare shifted. You're supposed to be a mum who takes care of her kids 24/7 and that makes some people crack, especially if they lack support. When I listen to the stories of older people in my village it didn't use to be like that - kids would be outside playing together, the neighbor comes over and chastises them for something and teaches them how to throw rocks over water, the aunt brings some food and shares it with them, the older kids walk the younger ones to school, the grandparents maybe live in the same house and loojk after them too... There was community and so so many people involved, and rarely did the mum have to take care of the kids 24/7 on her own, play with them, entertain them, etc.
This 100%
Preach
Exactly
I get so overwhelmed sometimes with my 8 and 3 year old, doing the chores, cooking the food, and also having to be the entertainer. it's worth it.. but sometimes I just need a break it's so mentally and emotionally draining, I cry for hours sometimes 🥲
Takes a village to raise a kid
I grew up with a single dad and saw my mother very occasionally. I think if you don't want to be a mother figure then don't have children. Feeling unwanted was a massive problem in my childhood and teen years and I believe there is a real element of selfishness in women/men who bring life into the world yet don't wish to care for any life other than their own.
I just have to say some of these women's stories are indeed sad and raising a child is never easy, but I think it is a tragedy when either parent leaves thier child.
All of their relationships were ending. One parent was going to need to move out, and one parent was going to get primary physical custody. When they were so miserable, and unhappy with their lives doesn't it make sense they would volunteer to be the parent to leave/not have primary custody. They all recognized that they were not mentally well, and so it was in the best interest for the children to have their father's receive primary custody. The women still have relationships with their children, and at least two of them said that their relationships with their children are much easier, happier now.
My thing is when parents have distant relationships, or "leave to be free" but then expect the kid to take care of them in old age. I have seen that alot.
The comments break my heart because I had no family no help low income loved my kids tried my best and got 0 in return would listen and hug when they cried Try to reach out to them only to get an eye roll and your weird Moms who have kids who love them are the luckiest moms in the world
@@mysticalvibe4241 I was a battered wife when my children are little and now that they are grown I have almost no relationship with them and they blame me for things that happen when they were young I wish things had turned out different
@@mysticalvibe4241 I totally understand your comment
My mother expects me to help her constantly and wasn't there for me, she abandoned me and I lived with my dad. I'm 40 now and she's on her 60s broke, mentally ill and more selfish than ever.
my husband has a mother who went "to be free" when he was 10-ish and now I'm the one who really deals with the after affects of an absentee mother. We have a 4 year old son and I feel like its really healing for him to be the support he never had.
It sucks to say it, but I wish my mother left us. On the rare occasions she went away for a few days or weeks it was like a black storm cloud dispersing, like a weight had been lifted off our shoulders. She always blamed me, the oldest, for all the problems in our family, and yet whenever she was gone me and my dad and my brothers got on fine. It was so chill. We didn't fight *once*. When she came back, it was fighting all the time, literally as soon as she walked in the door. I think that speaks for itself.
You say that from one perspective, however, you could be a total fkn wreck with issues of abandonment if she did. I was abused by dad and wished him dead but I also turned out fkn awesome as a result of his shit.
@@designerelise speak for only yourself.
Totally agree.
@@blupyxi5669 I'll speak as I please, control yourself, not others
Ditto!
No one said, “I wasn’t the mother my child deserved. My husband was a much better suited for parenthood”. The decision was 💯 about her. But I guess just that proves it
I dont think any of us get to judge really. I gotta say I can understand the mum who fell apart losing her almost 4 yr old. I remember my son at that age and I was losing it when he had a flu. If he died? Nope. Id have left the planet
To be fair, we don't know what they left out of the video
@@ann-mariemeurs952 I do understand that one too. Beyond that, I think we all have days we want to run away. It would have just been nice to see that some of the mothers did so for the sake of their children rather than selfishness. In the case of the grieving mother, that probably was the case even though she didn’t articulate that. When my mother died I was barely able to care for myself and honestly I wasn’t a good mom that year to my children. I can’t imagine the effects loosing a child would have on me and my ability to care for my other children.
@@jennmal5516 yeah I get that too
@@jennmal5516 respectfully I disagree. Coming from someone who’s mother constantly reminds her what she sacrificed to raise her, it’s better they left instead of potentially harboring resent towards their children. Being a mother requires a lot of emotional and mental labor some can do it some can’t
We should be talking about the societal pressure put on women that they are useless unless they are a mom and wife.
Editors: it’s okay to hold on a speaking person without cutting away to random videos and images every 2 seconds. The facial expressions of the speaker will say a lot more than unrelated clips. The video was so hard to watch for me so I gave up.
Yeah i would agree its unsettling the quick changes and the random clips are not needed
Agreed. It was distracting and disengaging.
damn I was thinking the same thing and I have the same name!
Was about to give up when I read this
Yes! What on earth possessed them to make that choice? It took what could have been a beautiful vignette and made it difficult and cringe-y to view.
My mother was always cold, distant and abusive. My worst fear is if I have kids I'll take on her parenting traits. I'll die before that happens. So I won't have kids until I find myself and who I am.
Edit: I am so overwhelmed reading the comments under this and I'm so forever grateful for all the people who are sharing their stories and also wishing me well. I wish the same for you all (and anyone reading this). For anyone who feels the same as me, or is now a mother who has a similar history I have so much respect and love for all of you. Going through this journey of healing, sometimes it can be really hard, seemingly impossible to see the light at the end. But I'm only 20, so I'm fairly young and still figuring things out. It gives me hope that some of you are mothers yourselves and have better relationships with your kids. It means there's hope for me. Thank you all :')
Wishing you luck as you heal and learn yourself ❤️
You are wise
Your description of your mother is why I’m not judging these women. Staying in their children’s lives fully while not wanting to will lead to them being cold, distant, and possibly abusive to the children.
@@bigmona2741 Exactly! This push for women to be mothers like it's their only purpose is damaging to mothers and their children. My mother married young and had a lot of trauma growing up, and I try not to resent her for the pain she put us through as I've grown to realize she was a victim herself. However I won't make the same mistake. These mothers choosing to not live with their kids was for the best, who knows what they would have done or how they would have acted towards their children if they stayed and continued to feel trapped.
@@DestinysFashion101 That means a lot to me thank you so much.
My mother just left with a guy to another country when I was 16. She called me once a year on my birthday and then dissapeared altogether. That was 20 years ago.
This is so sad..sorry
I’m sorry ... i know abandoment really hurts, wish you the best.
😔 you haven’t talked to her in 20 years?
That’s a biotch right there, too
😞 I’m so sorry
I’m the 30 year old daughter of a ‘mom’ who felt like this. Walked away when I was 7 and you know what it feels like to your child..... ABANDONMENT & REJECTION. 18 years is not too long for you to put yourself on the back burner and love the humans you brought into the world. You still have the rest of your life to live, but this does nothing but create a cycle of loveless daughters marrying and raising more loveless daughters. Heartbreaking seeing them be so nonchalant about turning their backs on their children😔
I have to agree with you! I guess the one word to describe this kind of abandonment is ‘selfishness.’
"It's weird for a mother with her tiny baby to be miserable." I had postpartum blues with my first. I was suicidal, but I had read about postpartum blues and could identify it, get help, and wait it out. I suspect some of these mothers had it worse than I did.
Yes, what she described sounds very much like untreated postpartum depression.
My same thought
Its not postpartum ‘blues’ Its a tragic pathology that needs serious help and intervention!!!!!!
I lived with undiagnosed postpartum depression for three years. It was hell and it definitely interfered with me bonding with my firstborn.
Exactly
It's not "normal" for father's to live away from their families. The fact that it is in our society shows just how far we have fallen.
I couldn't agree more
Pshh exactly!
Exactly! I thought it was a horrible comparison. So many have daddy issues and trust issues because of this behavior.
Exactly. I’d love to see a video chronicling fathers who leave because they choose to not provide for their families and then a comment section full of applause like this one. It’s sad.
@@bertram9852 bruh this has got to be the worst comment section ive come across in a minute. as a child of a woman who left her when she was 12, I feel like Im being gaslit lmfao. The logic of the people on this thread is toddler level. Apparently only dads can be deadbeat but women are just 'finding their own happiness.' Their logic is that because woman have unfair societal standards put on them that it isnt just, abandoning your children. Its BRAVERY TO GO AGAINST CULTURAL NORMS. They believe that 2 parent homes are simply cultural norms and have no value. unbelievable. Its all women touting this shit and im female myself.
My fathers mother bailed when he was young and chose which children she took. All of my aunts and uncles are broken people who don’t know how to parent. Some times women are not cut out to be mothers, but when they leave, it leaves broken people. And it’s the same the other way round as well
Picking and choosing your kids will absolutely shatter a family. If you treat them all equally in leaving or being emotionally unavailable, it’s still damaging but at least leaves them with a sense of solidarity.
My mom was soooooo miserable. She made us all miserable. Finally when I was 15, I told her that it was OK for her to leave. And she did. I was going to off myself or run away if she didn’t. I didn’t tell her that. And she did leave. She had a second teenager-hood and I kept parenting her over the phone when she had boy problems or work problems or money problems until she died. She truly did not like me at all. She fought me at every turn, on every subject. She was sadistic and cruel. She wasn’t meant to be a mother. She never had a mother, and never got past whatever trauma she had as a toddler. She was stuck emotionally at three years old. When I finally understood that she was broken as a child, I was able to forgive not having the mother I deserved.
As long as the kids are being put FIRST in these situations .. then who cares who has main custody.
Exactly!
They're not though
the kids probably care...
I agree with you 💯
The kids
I always tell people, my mother is a good person, but a bad mom. Fortunately, my father is a fantastic dad. Parental instinct isn't a gender thing, it's a personality thing.
Wrong. It's a CHARACTER thing. Personality has nothing to do with it.
@@bevcrusher4177 I mean it's probably a combination of both but at least in my case, personality was a huge factor. My mother has good "character" (volunteers at food banks, helped a lot of kids in my area with legal issues, etc) but personality wise, she just not a nurturing kind of person.
@@bevcrusher4177 People can have *personality disorders.* Some people are born with Narcisstic personality disorder for an example. To claim that "personality has nothing to with it" is *ignorant:* Personality disorders effect how people raise their children and it can cause life long childhood trauma. Go look up the Ted Talk video "How Childhood Trauma Effects Health Across A Lifetime" for more information on how exactly a parent with a personality disorder can cause life long trauma for their children for the rest of their lives.
@@rebecca8866 As a person with two siblings all raised by two parents with personality disorders, I approve this message.
But thank goodness your mom was still willing to have you. You are just as important as anyone else. I feel like this video is trying to discourage women from having children.
My mom left when I was 7. I have six other siblings. Unless you’ve also been through it then you shouldn’t speak for what it is. And that is abandonment- and now and for the rest of my life I will have to deal with the issues it has brought me.
*abandonment* oldest kid here- I was mom I get the mothers day gifts and phone calls if something goes wrong.
I understand why mothers leave- still no respect for the women that do.
@@itsallperspective7415 thats so hard to go through. I am sorry for that!
I can understand this, but imagine how their children must feel stumbling upon this video of their mothers saying how much they hated motherhood and glad they gave up their parental rights. if we disgrace men for leaving their children, we should do the same with women.
Yes. I feel no sympathy for these women. They’re grown ass women who chose to birth a child, if you regret it its your fault🤷♀️
“I would rather regret NOT ever HAVING kids than REGRET HAVING kids for the rest of my life.” 💔
i might be currently pregnant with my 1st and i never EVER EVER wanted kids, but in my specific case I can't imagine living life without one
Yes! Exactly. I do want kids but I don't understand why people try to convince women who don't want them to have them. It's better for those women to one day wish they had kids (and possibly adopt) then to have kids and regret having them.
💯
True 👍
Same! I've always thought this too.
My grandmother hated my mom. She is literally the source her most painful moments in her life. My mom often told us stories of how horribly she abused and used her as a child and young woman. So because my mom grew up without her mother's affection, she made it a goal that when she has kids, she will give them so much love. I was blessed to be one them. My mother is the most wonderful mother in the world. God bless her. We're five and she is personally close to each of us. I tell her my secrets that I don't even tell my siblings and close friends. When my sisters and I meet potential significant others, we tell mom first and seek her advise and opinion before telling anyone. I have one brother and he also shares his deep feelings with her. She loves being a mother. I'm saying this to say that there are different outcomes of situations. Just because one grew up with terrible parents doesn't necessarily mean she will be a bad parent. That could rather turn you to be the best parent just like my mother.
🦋💫💜true
Exactly.
I think that, I have been a great mother. I got sick and turned into my mother. I hate being like her. I have not been a good mother to my youngest. My illness keeps me as a broken mother. I love children, I just don't have the energy my child needs. I used to run, jump, and play along with them. I didn't enjoy my own childhood but, I definitely enjoyed theirs. ☺ My youngest enjoys all the toys, gifts, and clothes, I can afford but, she needs a healthy mother more than things.
Over parenting and smothering. Some people do the polar opposite to compensate for abuse.
Wow!!
transferring their childhood rejection on to their children - so sad
Would you rather want that or an emotional abusive parent .... like they did the right choice instead of raising a child and putting that trauma on to them even more . The kids can always find another mother that can give them that love and the fathers can give them that love as well. If it was a man I swear you wouldn’t have commented this
@@wellmindyourbusiness4409 holy. Assuming that they would be abusive if they stayed? They got out of marriages that were over, or harmful. One parent had to leave. It doesn't always have to be the man, and it doesn't mean the parent who leaves would be abusive. Their mothers love them, just as fathers who leave love their children. What a terrible thing to say.
@@asmith6006 there are emotional and mental abuse you could be putting a child through you don’t have to rape molest or beat a child to be abusive at all .
Right. Pathetic
It’s a common phenomenon. A daughter is raised by a mother with BPD, and ends up with C-PTSD, which mimics the symptoms of BPD.
My mother abandoned myself & my two siblings with my father. Years earlier she gave my sister up for adoption. She never wanted the responsibility. In her singleness she educated herself and learned various crafts. She was a telephone operator. It’s so sad because she was a nice person on the outside.
It is so sad i am sorry for you. You didnt deserve this
It would be very interesting to hear the children's perspectives.
They most likely resent them. I hated my.mother for abandoning me
I absolutely agree and in my experience the resentment gets worse as I get older.
YES
My mum always held a reservation towards motherhood and resentment towards her mum..... Who left her for a Man 👞
I yell too damn much and hate certain chores of motherhood .... But adore my children .
We despise her. My mother left when I was 17, my brother 15, my sister 11 and youngest brother 7. She said it was her time. None of us have any contact with her. I'm now 39 and its has been devastating to not have a mother knowing she's alive. I've battled cancer twice in the last 3 years and would have truly loved having a mom there with me.
So conflicting.
What they haven’t addressed is that pain and detachment is a childhood trauma wound that gets passed down to their own children. The effects on their own child is lifelong.
Very difficult, and very sad.
Correct.
It's been documented that children adopted at birth still feel the loss.
These women were collectively selfish.
@Ciel Phantomhive As a child that suffered this similar abandonment...'what I'd prefer' is adults to 'adult' - taking 100% personal responsibility for their own trauma and doing the inner work needed for healing, not blaming or deflecting responsibility - it will be the GREATEST gift they'll give to their own children! Thankfully, we're a trauma-aware family and we choose for generational trauma to end here!
If anyone is interested in some awesome books that deal with the effects of trauma and how it affects us at a cellular level - highly recommend these ones:
"The Primal Wound", by Nancy Verrier
"The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma", by Prof Bessel van der Kolk
"When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress", by Dr Gabor Maté
"It Didn't Start With You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We are and How to End the Cycle", Mark Wolynn
"What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing", Dr Bruce D. Perry and Oprah Winfrey
@@please.665 Your comment reminded me of something I had read in the book, "The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child", by Nancy Verrier (written back in 1993). While I wasn't adopted, parental abandonment (in its many forms), is felt life-long. It's a subconscious sensation that always felt within and never able to quite identify.
Upon opening the book, part of one reader's review expressed this observation so eloquently, and it's one I've quoted many times. He writes....."she [author] verbalized the intangibility of all that an adoptee feels and is unable to express".
@@meekainc I understand. I spent time in the hospital with Spinal Meningitis. It fractured bonds with not only my mother but also my siblings (I am the only child between my mother and father). And there are many mothers who are guilty of favoring males. I was a people pleaser for the longest.
I am not mad at anyone. I know the hospital was really the key, having to work out at 6 that I was gonna die, and the kids I passed in the hall were dying.
But never, in a million years, for whatever reason, would I walk out on my child...and thats emotionally, as well.
As someone who grew up with an absent parent, it is one of the worst things to have to deal with. It messes you up mentally and it took me a very long time to be okay with myself and know that it wasn’t my fault. To me, absent parents are some of the most disgusting excuses of human beings. If you bring a child into this world, regardless of your gender, it is your responsibility to make sure you create a loving and full environment for that child. Whether it is with you or another family.
Absent Mothers are. Men don't have any reproductive choice so they can't be blamed for not taking care of kids they didn't choose to have.
if they are beyond the mental capacity to care for themselves why would you want them to even try to take care of a child? most people would rather have an absent parent than abusive or neglectful one.
My dad left me as a child and at 37 and years of psychotherapy I'm still angry at him and immensely hurt. I can't imagine what it would have been like to have my mom leave me. I think we should see what the children have to say. This is not about societal expectations, it's about the children's feelings. Sorry ladies, I don't buy this whole perspective
I can see how you would feel that way. Just a point..in nature, mothets reject their offspring all the time. Also there is so much variation in humans that I don't think one kind of rule applies to all in terms of parenting.
@@zaimahbegum-diamond1660 it's not about the gender, being a mother or a father. If you abandon your child there are no excuses for you. Don't make a documentary blaming society's expectations. It was your choice to hurt a child that loves you so much. And don't dress up your guilt as a feminist or whatever issue. Face the hurt you caused, and see if your child can ever forgive you..
@@zaimahbegum-diamond1660 when a mother rejects her child in nature, the child usually dies. All women should have the freedom to choose if and when they will have children. Once you have children, there is nothing strong or brave about walking away from the most important responsibility you will ever have.
Grow up! I’m sure you’d be worse off if your father abused you or openly resented you. “How dare these women have sovereignty and the foresight to say they can’t raise kids.” Women aren’t birthing factories, and not everyone can cut it. So grow up, after 37 years try to gain perspective and find peace.
My father left me when I was 11. Never supported me, never gave me money, love and attention. I don't trust men and I still can't forgive him. He is dead. But unforgiven.
I'm a mother of 2 now adult children. I cannot find room in my heart to judge these women. My heart goes out to them. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent.
What in the hell
This sounds like judgment.
@@pibbles9 I don't see judgement. I see truth, just like everyone is not meant to be married or will be married, every state of being is not for everyone. The thing is, its hard to be sure until you are in it.
Growing up I always felt like my mother didn't want to be a mother. She only did it because she thought she had to.
That’s why I’ve decided not to have children.
My mom fought really hard to get custody of me and my siblings (which she did), but I knew very well she did not enjoy the task of mothering.
She did what society told her to do, “fight for your kids”. But she’s broken, depressed, and unhappy because of it. Which resulted in ongoing child neglect and eventually abuse. I wish she just gave up, we all would have been better off.
My sister and I have been saying what you’ve just wrote our entire lives. I was kind of thrown off by seeing someone else thinking exactly how I felt.
Same story. My mother said as much. She said she liked babies, but not children.
Same. My mother is like that... oddly enough just towards me - the bastard she had out if wedlock. She was 32 and didnt know or thought to use an effing condom.
I wish my mother had of walked away instead of being a narcissistic abusive woman who had no motherly instinct whatsoever. It's not an easy decision but just because your the maternal parent doesn't mean you're the best one
If you’re a narcissistic abusive person you can’t say you have maternal qualities. It’s like oil and water.
I am considering giving up custody. He convinced me to have kids and I was in love and thought what could go wrong. Well so much has gone wrong. I would prefer 50/50 but he moved over 4 hours away to stay with family so that can't happen.
Single dad here of one daughter. Mother passed away 2 years ago. I love raising my daughter and Watching her become her own person. It’s a privilege.
I’m so very sorry for your loss♥️
That is truly great. I am sorry for your loss, and wish you a lovely life with your daughter. I wish her success, wealth, and both of you a prosperous life. Ameen. Also, inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raajioon.
So sorry for your great loss. I lost my dad last August 2nd. It hurts.
Deepest condolences for your loss.
I was raised by my dad when my mum passed away when I was 7 and my sister was 1, I love him so so much, he is an amazing dad and ‘mum’. I’m sure you’ll be an amazing dad and ‘mum’ too! 🖤
I know 2 male coworkers who aren’t in their kid’s lives. Whenever someone hears that they always assume their girlfriend/wives were nags and b*tches and that why they left. Not having custody is so common with men people don’t even bat an eyelash anymore. It’s so rare among women most people assume there must be something wrong with her.
I think maybe that just depends on the perspectives you're hearing. Generally I think there's a lot of judgment on men for being losers and bailing out on their kids. Maybe not among their best friends but in the general population that's not as acceptable as some people on here seem to think it is.
The reason it seems normal for men not to have custody of their kids is because family court (at least in US) is so biased toward mothers, even horrible ones. That's why when women don't have custody, the question everyone is likely asking is: "How horrible of a mother is she that even family court wouldn't give her custody?"
@@guest0407 so isn't this a step the right direction.
If non-custodial mothers become more normalized, then the courts favor will change.
@@sydney6268 it's been a lot more normalised
It’s sad that people assume that. Even if they were nags, how does that justify not being with the kids?
I was 33 weeks pregnant when I had a miscarriage and had to give birth despite my son being gone. It was later that I realized how little I wanted to have children. Watching this made me feel so much better. I feel the same way about motherhood now as these women.
Nothing worse than having someone around you that doesn't want to be there and won't vocalize it.
This video is a perfect explanation of what happens when a person has a baby then has no support. It’s a lie that anyone can survive completely independently: we all rely on each other, especially when raising a baby for the first time. I’m not surprised these women left. They all experienced extremely traumatic situations and had to leave to survive.
"Had no support"?? What about the children's father's?? Who now have them full time?.
I’m sorry, but that’s total BS. They all could have asked for help if they needed it.
@@mariyaa111 One of the important things I learned in life is not to judge someone, if I don't know their story or haven't had their experience, but show compassion and try understand them.
@@Naturefan354 Clearly they didn't give enough support. Especially to Nathalie who grew up in a very patriarchal community
So now the child is motherless because it was too hard. That seems fair.
Motherhood is not for everyone. As a stay home mom, I tell our adult kids, “find your dream and try to live it”. My dream was to be a stay home mom and I have no regrets. Now, it is time for me to support our kids in pursuing whatever their dream are. It takes a lot of courage for these moms to come forward. I applaud you.
So what will you do if your husband passes and your kids don’t want you in their house ?
@@meancookie89 she will find a job?
@@meancookie89 She'll figure it out. She sounds like the kind of person who is good at figuring things out. She figured out mothering better than most people.:)
@@meancookie89 Thank You for your concerns. No one really knows what one will exactly do if and when one becomes a widow. I will continue in my current community senior citizen projects. As far as the kids not wanting me to live with them. Who said, I want to live with them. Right now, I am enjoying time with hubby & caring for my 82 y o widow covid long hauler mom. Just buried my paraplegic brother who died of COVID. Find your joy and live it, life is short.
@@Chataine91 don’t dump your trauma into the replies of people’s comments. Get a life.
This isn't mother's who just live apart from their children. Sounds like women who just dont want their children
Yuuuup, they simply don’t want them. 🤮
Period. There are tooooo many options of prevention that could have been utilized.
@@kaylacampbell6391 this is common and acceptable for men to do tho...
@@andysali6884 not acceptable for anyone to do that male or female
@@kaylacampbell6391 none of them said they wanted to leave their children, just that they wanted to leave marriages that were awful or dangerous to them.
I only feel bad for the children. They're the innocent ones in this matter.
me too, I personally feel sad and bad for those kids abandoned by their parents (first moms, then eventually their dads).
if those moms hate having kids - they should have sterilized themselves.