Masking in Autistic Females | AUTISTIC MASKING
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- čas přidán 3. 03. 2021
- In this week's Autistically Me video, I talk about Autistic Masking. I go over what it is, it's pros and cons, why we mask, and some examples of how I mask/have masked in my like.
While females on the spectrum are usually very highly skilled at masking, men can be maskers, too! No autistic trait is exclusive to one gender. Skilled masking may just be more common in females. Many females don't even know that what they're doing has a name. Masking is exhausting, but being able to take the mask off is near impossible for a lot of us.
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Instagram: @OliviaHops
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Autistic - Autism - Autistic Adult - ASD - Autistic Female - Woman with Autism - Girls with Autism - Female Autism Traits - ADHD - Aspergers - Autism Spectrum Disorder - Actually Autistic - Autism Awareness
#ActuallyAutistic
2:27 "Anyone on the autism spectrum who masks deserves an Oscar."
I guess I got one. My husband's name is Oscar lol 😂
Ahhhh, That’s amazing! I love it, thanks for sharing!
Omg same😂
This is hilarious!! 😂
Awwwww
Haha. My ex used to always say I was an amazing actress (i do not 'act' in society for 'theatre'). Now I get it!
This is why I am exhausted after socializing. I have no clue how to act and spend the whole time trying to mimic other people and then worry about if I'm doing it right.
Exactly! Socializing is a full-time job.
I do that too and I think I'm neurotypical LOL
Maybe......if u r on the spectrum .
I'm the same, I call it double thinking. Instead of just being in the moment, I'm also thinking about what I should be saying, what expression is correct/appropriate, do these people like me etc. It's so tiring.
@@nsmith4588 shy and socially awkward people do this as well. Not EVERY socially awkward person is on the spectrum. This is the dangers of self dx.
The most stressful times are when you meet people from your different social groups together somewhere, the anxiety of not knowing who you should be in front of them.. like a chameleon on tartan.
💗"like a chameleon on tartan😂"💗💗💗
👏👏👏👏 truth
I'm so shook rn..my mind is completely blown...in the situation of meeting multiple different friend groups and not knowing..the extreme anxiety,panick and awkwardness is so unbelievably overwhelming...I never knew this was due to masking. .holey moley.who am i?! :X
You've just described my worst nightmare. 😫
This. This right here. I can't tell you how many times this happened to me in school. Eventually, I just stopped "building" personalities and stopped giving anyone a piece of myself. And I'm a guy, I can't even imagine how autistic girls do any of that with the social expectations placed on them
Wow I remember sitting and copying someone's handwriting in school because I thought it was so cool. I also used to think I had multiple personalities because I was so different around different people. I thought I was crazy! ahhhh nope, just Autism :)
In the past I had a fear I might have MPD, but I have come to the conclusion that I am always ME, just that I have multiple facets. I am a diamond. It is my method of masking.
@@HowardWilsonII thank you for saying this! Is exactly how I mask, I don't know if it's the same for everyone: I am always me, but with an amplifying traits that people likes more in social occasions, besides, depends on who I'm interacting with, I only show some traits of my personality, kind of blending in with the audience and not trying to angst people with my quirkness lol
@@KideaRock I am very much like this. I am actually really good at dealing with all people from any age, background, or disability. I solidified that ability when I tutored at Sylvan. Oddly, this ability to connect well with anyone also comes with putting my foot in my mouth often :P And yes, quirkiness! I do not hide this however, certain situations and professional cases maybe, but I always am very quirky, with a joke or pun for almost anything I'm talking about with someone, crazy/expressive faces, voice inflections, and heck, maybe some gymnastic or karate tricks I know. I tend to have meltdowns when I'm over-frustrated (nothing, nothing, nothing, screaming and wanting to throw/break things, big depression, then realization and calming down and apologizing) but I've gotten much better at handling them ever since learning to look at my issues and mishaps from a birds-eye view or as if I'm reading it about the main character of a book!
@Jeanna B oh my god I never related so much to something in my life before. Your comment could have been from me
I was kind of a tomboy and I often was teased for it or told to be more feminine. I felt like I wasn't doing a good job so I watched girls at school and tried to copy them. So one day they saw me trying to copy their more feminine walking, I walked like an awkward little kid still probably because I was in my mind haha, and I guess I exaggerated it a bit too much and they made fun of me so much. It was so embarrassing.
I just got diagnosed in October 2020 at 65yrs! I was exactly like you all my life and was variously, wrongly, diagnosed with many different mental health problems... I suffered bouts of depression throughout my life and couldn’t understand why. I’m a mother of four and have 9 grandchildren. I’ve held down a very stressful professional job as a frontline medical practitioner due to my high level of masking which inevitably caused burnouts, meltdowns, and PTSD. I finally took early retirement because the intense stress of living like this caused a heart condition; but that didn’t really help much until the realisation that I might be autistic and payed for private assessment. Because it’s still so new I am, like you, still trying to come to terms with my identity crisis. But, I am still so very thankful that I have been diagnosed, even though it is late in life. I have a chance now of being authentic and I now understand why I have spent my whole life feeling like an alien! Thank you so much for your videos. It is so important for the world to see and understand what autism in females looks like. I really look forward to your videos, keep up the good work! ❤️
I’m 66 and have wondered over the years if I was on the spectrum.
@@lisastabfurth5448 I'm 63. retired and super successful professionally. My husband definitely knows that I'm autistic. Half my siblings get it and are likely autistic. My friends just love me and know that I'm different.
It's so crazy seeing all of these similar things ..I felt like I was totally alone in this. 15 years with what might be a wrong diagnosis, since COVID my my meltdowns have increased tenfold and I hate to say it but I can count how many time I've left my house on my hands and toes since 2020. I have never even considered being on the spectrum, but it kinda seems to be the puzzle piece I've been looking for my whole life. I'm not 65, only 33 and it's been hell. How lucky u r to have been diagnosed. Hope it all works out for you now .
Hi. I know you have listed this a year ago, but I feel so aligned with your words. I'm 64. Struggling with depression all my life, but other diagnosis didn't seem to fit all my quirks. Now it seems crystal clear. So what happens after diagnosis? I'm scared.
Who did you use for your diagnosis as far as their profession? I believe I am, but I don’t know whether I look for a psychologist or someone else, thanks!
My way of coping is to say as little as possible. I’m really quiet because I don’t want to say the wrong thing, don’t know what to say or have nothing of value to add. I recently started to see that I may be on the spectrum and my past behaviour makes so much sense now. I didn’t even realize I was making. Like, I always joke that “I’m really good at pretending to be a normal person “. Yeah...not so funny anymore.
I mostly mask emotionally (acting like I’m fine, when in reality I’m being crushed under the weight of my stress)
I do this too 🥺
Same strategy: when you don't say anything, you can't say anything wrong...though, it also has other consequences.
That's exactly me too! I was diagnosed last year with autism. 😊
I do the same thing. People always think I'm just shy when really I'm not but I don't know how to stop. I get so scared and have so much anxiety if someone speaks to me too long cuz I know eventually I'll fuck it up and they'll say I'm "weird and/or crazy"
I changed my writing CONSTANTLY in high school, I would always mimic friends and even change the way I spoke. My best friend had a thick Jersey accent that I would pick up on and certain phrases. Even as a kid, I would mimic accents and mannerisms. Makes me think a bit.
I would change the way I speak, too!! I meant to say that in this video but of course forgot. I started talking with a southern accent when I made a friend from Louisiana. It's totally related!!
Omg YES!!! Southern accents are so easy to mimic without realizing and then "oh no, now they think I'm making fun of them!"
I was born Texan but grew up in Ohio, my parents would take me to see my family down in Texas and I'd remember I was always fascinated by the Texan accent that I tried copying it so much so some of it stuck. It only comes out when im starting to get angry though and it's also the time when I start to stutter and jumble my words.
The same thing happens to me. After listening to someone with an accent for a while it takes so much effort for me to not use it
I do this a lot as well. As an adult, I've actually harnessed this to help me learn languages. I already have tendencies related to echolalia, I might as well use it
Getting my dx at 48 made me have to rethink every choice, every interaction trying to figure out who I was. I gained a new understanding of my life and forgiveness for my mistakes.
That's so awesome to hear! Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. I'm so glad you were able to get some freedom from your mask after receiving your diagnosis.
Only my boyfriend and a few friends have ever seen me without my mask on. I feel like my family expect me to act a certain way, a neuro-typical kind of way I suppose, and so my interactions with them are oftentimes exhausting.
I'm almost in tears hearing this. I had been feeling like I was a weak person for not knowing who I am, or not being able to function even though I think I am a capable person. Thank you so much... just thank you. You have explained my life. Thank you 😢😢🙏🙏🙏❤️
I grew up with my best friend, who was "odd" I thought she was perfectly normal. I practically lived with her growing up. When I see you on screen I see her. When you explain how autism is to you, I hear her. It's the same stories. Her mom told me in high school that she has autism but her mom never got it diagnosed because she thought it was hinder her in School. When I was finally able to talk with her, she did research and just like you that puzzle piece just clicked. Listening to you is amazing I understand her a lot better and I was able to be her person. I'm so lucky to she her without her mask
My best friend in high school was autistic. After he told me, I was wondering when he was going to "do an autism" (my only reference at the time to what autism is was my cousin with a bit more support needs) but he actually was the first person that seemed normal to me. Looking back, I know why he seemed normal to me; we were just weird together in the same way XD
🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
This explains so much! I have this repetitive personal thought, "I feel like a fake. I feel like a liar." I feel like I fake my way through social interactions most of the time, and that leaves me feeling sometimes like no one knows who I am.
Great work Olivia. I am 72 and was diagnosed 3 years ago. A explains every second of my very strange life. It is such a relief to know. Just imagine: I have been falsely attributing every memory I have to a neurotypical person who does not exist. I am now an archeologist in a world of one.
Hey Peter! Thank you so much for watching my video and for your comment. I loved learning a little bit about your life adventure. So glad you finally got your answers. It's such a relief I'm sure!
I read a book by Tyler McNamer-Population One. He is on the spectrum, and reading about his perspective on life helped me figure out that my brother is most likely on the spectrum. He’s in his 60’s, and if he was diagnosed, it was one of those family secrets I wasn’t privy to.
That's exactly how I feel the last two days, thanks for putting it like so
😍😍
I’m obviously so skilled at masking. I’m 40 and was diagnosed today.
i’ve always said i was a chameleon since middle school, i’ve never had a solid friend group and i’ve been able to get along with anyone i talk to. lately i’m realizing it’s because i just mirror themselves back to them and that’s why we get along so great, and also why social situations terrify me because i can’t be multiple people at the same time
I turn 26 at the end of this month and I've only just got the courage to ask to be assessed for autism. Previously I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety disorders, bpd and bipolar.
Same here, I'm now at the point where I'm gonna ask my doctor if I can be tested. I blame my weirdness on my anxiety, depression and the my diagnosis of BPD, but I still feel as though somethings missing, like I don't think it's really BPD, I honestly think I'm autistic, but I do feel ashamed, but I also feel anger at the same time as nobody ever picked up on it and I have missed out on so much. Becuase people just automatically thought I was a naughty child/teenager.
The diagnosis is worth it. I’m also 26 , diagnosed at 17. I had no idea that I was being assessed for it at the time, I just remember interviews, IQ tests and questionnaires. But when the psychologist told me I can’t begin to describe the sense of relief . It was like everything fell into place and I no longer felt alone. Best of luck x
I was misdiagnosed with those as well. Turns out it was always ADHD and ASD. I still have grief over all of the bad psychology I've experienced. I'm proud of you for seeking out your truth, even when others can't see it.
I grew up in an extrememly strict, fundamentalist religious setting, and found that to be an EXCELLENT environment to live a life of masks. The consequences of not measuring up were so dire, and I fell so far short of behavioral goals that masks were the only way to go.
I've never been diagnosed as autistic, but I'm 68, and don't want to bother with changing my life at this point.
I am so struck by the example you gave of being obsessed with other people's writing style. I've never heard anyone say that before. I was obsessed in the same way. I absolutely went through the cutesy, more rounded "girly" writing style, I did the full caps too, print stye and cursive and I still struggle with my a's, the 2 versions you listed!
Omg they called me "social butterfly" when I was younger I kinda floated around the different lunch tables of a few very different groups not really being friends with everyone in each group but one or two that would be friendly to me and we talked or played games or drew together just different stuff but I was very shy at the same time I didn't fit in and struggled learning was told I was slow "ret∆rded" but I am really starting to wonder if I am on the spectrum I scored a 38 on the autism spectrum quotient and have been asked before by a stranger about myself and my son and we actually just got his diagnosis starting to think I should ask somebody
I've been asked by a few people over the course of my life. I never looked into it until recently. When I did...oh boy. But hey, at least now I understand why I was so different. I scored 42 on the aq XD
Hi Olivia!!
First off, GIRL OMG. I relate to this on a divinely spiritual level. Like this was literally my same experience, down to having different masks for different friend groups and even strangers. It's WILD. And omg don't get me started on masking burnout after a long day in classes or at work.... I feel so blessed to have found your page and to hear from someone who is just like me
Hey girl! Wow, thank you so much for this super kind comment! You made my day! Your support means so much to me. I'm so blessed to have an amazing subscriber like you.
Before I was diagnosed with ASD, I was always confused as to why I preferred to be around straight-fwd, "Real" type personalities when I, myself always seems to fake who I was around everyone else. After learning about masking it all made sense.
would you mind elaborating?
Oh my goodness…. This is so me… I always could hang out with other groups and get along with anyone. I just started watching your videos and at 28 it all is starting to make sense. I have an autism son and only am realizing my own struggles/personality and why and didn’t like to do things that other people did. I am highly sensitive to people’s emotions so I can pick up on when someone’s annoyed, mad, happy quicker than my spouse. When I go out in public it drains me because I act like I’m supposed but I also see deep into people’s face/eyes which is very draining because I don’t know how to deal with seeing everyone’s deep state. I do that a lot go over conversations how I should have acted or things I should or shouldn’t have said.
I feel people's emotions also.
Oh my god! I l have done this so many times it’s crazy! I feel so amazed to learn and know I’m not alone
When I brought up to my dad that I think I'm also autistic (my brother is autistic) ... he laughed and said "there's no way" because my brother is high needs.. and I don't compare to him by any means. But I'm starting to learn I probably, more than likely am.. and I'm about to talk to my physician about it. Crazy to think my childhood and growing up (I'm about to be 23) has been so odd and messed up all because I've gone undiagnosed all these years. I thank you and all the women standing up to make sure we are educated about autism, especially in women. ♡
I relate completely to this. I just got my diagnosis and now I understand my whole life. I think I am having that identity crisis, as not sure how to be me without masking. But I got burned out after masking for decades and I need to find a way to live that is less exhausting. Videos like this help to understand autism so thank you for this.
When I was a young child, my mum told me to mimic the other girls in my grade in order to fit in and make friends. It didn't work and it was exhausting. I did this all throughout high school too, and finally stopped when I finished high school and it was such a relief to realise that I didn't have to do that anymore.
Mine too.
When researching autism I figured out, after looking back at my life, that I've been masking and apparently doing it so well that my friend didn't believe my diagnosis, and still doesn't. I feel like I cannot unmask and finally be myself because everyone will think I'm over exaggerating my traits or making it all up. People though I was seeking attention when self harming and trying to end it all but I wasn't, I hate being the centre of attention it's uncomfortable. I do hope one day I can just be me without being accused with 'putting it on'.
Hi!! I'm an SLP and I work with many young 3-5 year old girls who I suspect are autistic .. some of the teachers I work with wouldn't agree with me because these little girls don't have enough "stereotypical" autistic characteristics. I subscribed to your channel and hope to learn more! I would love to hear about your early childhood experiences.
Hi Miranda! Thanks so much for subscribing and for this comment. Please don’t let those other teachers discourage you. If I had known I was ASD at 3-5 my life would have been WORLDS easier. You could change these girls lives! I plan to do a video on my childhood traits and what it was like growing up autistic. Hopefully within the next few weeks. God Bless you!
I’m an SLP too, I want to be sensitive to the needs of my clients and problem solve ways to improve their ability to communicate through the different situations they encounter without promoting masking. I am open to suggestions!
That’s sad…. It just shows how dangerous that false information is. If the media or information that is presented does not present the full picture, ie, varying levels of autism, it is the same as lying. It would be better not to “inform” at all rather than inform an incomplete truth
In this case if its true that the five girls are on the spectrum, that affects five lives.
*or however many lives
You only realize the devastating affects of half truths when you experience the consequences of not being properly informed.
I always thought autism was a certain type of presentation. I was shocked to find out that I was on the spectrum. At the end of the day, it’s just sad 😞
Are you saying that everyone DOESNT do this? I'm not making a joke, I dont understand. I thought everyone did all of this? I relate to this so strongly i'm scared. I've always felt like an alien trying to learn social things.
Don't be scared! It's not a bad thing. Just the way your brain is wired! :)
Wouldn't have to be, understanding we're all blank slates out of the womb? Ape see, ape do
Me too everybody that made a comment I relate to all of it it's completely like me
Everyone shows different aspects of who they are in different social settings. Like, you don't act the same way toward your child as you do toward your boss, as you do at church (or any other sort of group like that), as you do at your book reading group, etc. But the difference for autistic people vs NeuroTypical people is, the non Autistic person (The NeuroTypical person) is expressing different parts of their personality and they aren't exhausted from doing this. It is still 'them', just the environment changes how they act, a bit. With autistic people, it's not part of who they are, but who they are pretending to be, so they will be seen as "normal" and accepted more easily. It's more like mimicking what you see around you, instead of still being 'you' in a different setting.
6.02. But dosent everyone try to be nice when they are out. Very one would dislike me if i didn't try to be likeable.
Thank you so much for sharing this Olivia! I can definitely relate to having a different mask for every friend group and I 100% agree that masking is often the reason we go undiagnosed. When I told my dad I was autistic he literally replied “no way, you’re way too social!” and that’s just one example! LIKE NO I AM NOT SOCIAL I just learn the script and know to NOT speak my mind because it always seems to be taken the wrong way when I do!
Exactly!! As always, I think we've lived the same life just in different parts of the world lol!
This is so funny and sad for me at the same time! I can 💯 relate to everything! From copying writing to learning social scripts to being a chameleon. I am finally at a point of understanding after my 56 years on earth.
I’m bi-polar and I find this very interesting because I have many of the same tendencies you describe. I definitely think we are all on the spectrum ranging from Neuro - normal to Autistic. I also feel people that are theoretically Neuro - normal can learn a lot from this about their own cognition because to some degree most of us will experience some element of this.
Bipolar and Autism are linked, it effects the same part of the brain. Like how bipolar and seizures are also linked.
Mental illness like Bi-Polar and Schizoaffective Disorder seem to be what happens when Autism Spectrum is overlooked.
@@jacquelineleitch7050 it would make enough sense if that is true. Constantly ignoring mental health needs, even inadvertently, would cause a wide range of problems
@@shadowfox933 I guess it also needs a lot of environmental stimuli as well.
@@shadowfox933 not only that, but also the constant "I am wrong, I am not enough" feeling you get when you are unknowingly autistic.
being an outsider and not knowing why and therefore not knowing how to help yourself, is damaging to one's psyche if being experienced often enough.
The handwriting part got me. Wow 😳
OMG....so right on!! Im 53 and was diagnosed 1.5 years ago. I am a different person with all my groups. Including my family!!
Discovering this channel was life changeing and the stress of masking had taken a toll on my physical health before I knew what it was
I feel this, every time I go out I think, who am I going to be today? It all depends on who I'm with. In childhood I found a friend and stuck to them like glue copying everything they did.
I’m so sorry you have to think of who you’re going to be everyday. That must be so exhausting! Thankfully, I rarely leave the house nowadays, or I’d be in the same shoes. Being YOU is awesome, don’t forget :)
12:40 ‒ that's actually a thing all introverts normally do. People think introvertion is about avoiding any social interaction at any circunstance. But it's not. Introverts can still enjoy being around a group they feel confortable in and can "appear extroverted" for the layman eye, we just have to recharge alone later.
Gosh, this is so exhausting! I’ve been socially isolating and avoiding people for the last 8 years, and I’m 21. To try and get out there to have a livelyhood is so hard… accepting your boundaries yet getting forward and trying to be yourself all at once is not easy.
I have heard on many occasions that we're better at masking than boys with autism are. My brain must not have gotten the memo because I'm even more "obvious" than most males and I can't mask at all except online where I can take a long time to plan out what I want to say. Before COVID, I would walk up to someone and say hi and start talking. I used to believe that people were interested in what I was talking about until I found out they were just humoring me which made me sad. I can never figure out what to talk about, I can't talk about things I'm not interested or knowledgeable in. I like to talk about things I'm interested in but I've been told I'm not a good listener although I try to be. I also have issues with excessive saliva (I lack an automatic swallowing reflex) but I also keep my hands on my hips constantly (I need to have my hands placed on my hips or else everything feels wrong until they're back there) which means I sometimes drool and don't think to wipe it away. I just like to talk to people about things and I wish other people were interested, too.
As your polar opposite (i'm a guy that masks quite well as far as I can tell), I honestly don't think it makes much of a difference once you find other people like you. Eventually, you'll have to meet someone who wants to share stories with a complete stranger. For me, social life has become more about finding the people that I don't need to mask around, and I'm working on that one day at a time
yep, girls are usually better - but thats the thing: usually.
meaning, there seems to be a trend, but there are of course outliers.
like there are boys who are super good in masking there are girls who can't do it.
But don't worry. there is nothing wrong with you. sadly one needs to find the right people to really experience that
I just self-diagnosed as on the spectrum for autism . Your video made me cry. So true. I can be very productive as a high-achiever, but most don’t see the days I have no energy.
Thank you so much for this. My daughter was just recently diagnosed at 7 years old, and initially I was in denial because she is SO empathetic, a little quirky but it's just endearing, and I truly only thought it was just ADHD (which she also has). Well, now I'm taking a serious look at myself and I SO identify with everything you are saying. I have always had social anxiety, but always felt I had to put on a mask and act a certain way around various people and felt like if I could just fake it till I made it I would be fine. Pair that with difficulty sustaining long term relationships, saying random things I shouldn't have said, thinking and re-thinking social interactions, feeling just plain worn out after socializing, and all of my various sensory sensitivities with noises I feel like at my next MD appointment I'll be requesting a referral for a neuropsych eval. Thanks again for being so open to talking about high masking autism in women!
Masking is exhausting...i feel so much happier now that i am online schooling but in person school was so difficult with autism,adhd and severe anxiety and the occasional depression. Everyone would say i was such a bubbly person but that last year i was in person was torture for me and i sas so unhappy and so depressed and no one saw it cause i got so good at masking and put so much effort i would be exhausted after school and lay in bed for hours. It was so polarizing that one class i would be the social butterfly and the happiest person and the loudest person to make everyone happy then the next class i was sitting alone most times not saying a word in the class and feeling at peace. I would get so burned out that i hated school. Then when march came and corona hit i was met by the huge relief and i felt really free and good and started expressing myself better and wasnt really sad over covid. even now i feel great bring in online for over a year but i know i want to go back to in person school for my junior year and my parents are trying to get me on anxiety medications before next august. But i am so nervous that i will fall back into my habit cause i do it with everyone in my life. Its so extremely isolating. I feel the constant need almost instinctively to put on a smile or laugh even if my famiky member died i do it and i hate it so much. What can i do? i cant lower the mask cause of how i will be percieved by others and judgement. Its a nasty cycle...
Hi Olivia, THANK YOU!! I have an autistic granddaughter age 10 and you are helping me to better understand her autistic behaviors. I am so grateful for the insights you provide through your videos. Keep up the good work. You are an amazing young woman.
Great vid Olivia! I'm big on this. I tend to change my voice, the words I use, my body language, the cultural references I have, the interests I pretend to have, etc. And yes to the idea of having a fragmented identity/personality...I totally get that too.
Thanks so much, Mathieu! So glad you watched another video. I'm honored. I'm the total same with the different voice and words! I meant to mention that but totally forgot. I'll start speaking in different accents and pick up different phrases depending on who I'm with.
Wow I should definitely get tested for autism I do the same thing I'm always being very careful with what words I use, I change my voice often, basically I'm in manual mode always so having a conversation with someone can be hard at times, too much is being processed inside my mind
I'm 54 now and I believe I'm on the 'Spectrum' although I've never been diagnosed. I started working with autistic people around 14 years ago and began to suspect then that many of my problems were similar to theirs.
The more I researched the more convinced I became especially when articles began to appear more recently about differences between males and females one the spectrum and in particular females being misdiagnosed because of masking.
It took a long time to develop a mask that worked for me. Throughout school I was plagued with verbal bullying and never understood why. I made every effort to be conventional, wore my uniform exactly as specified, followed all the rules and was never in trouble. I didn't understand this made me even more of a target for the bullies.
It was entirely by accident when I was about 14 that I discovered appearing eccentric and maybe a little bit scary seemed to keep people away. I got very into Adam and the Ants and started trying to dress like that and although people teased me about it it wasn't nearly as bad as it had been before when I didn't understand what their problem was.
It's much more comfortable being 'The whacky one' than the weird socially awkward one. And i also have an autistic trait which I don't think you've mentioned which is special interests. I get obsessed with things such as bands, TV programmes, books, artists etc. which I sometimes have to control myself with but I also get a lot of pleasure out of. Heavy Metal is one of my passions and dressing to that style gives me a shield against the world when I go out. Geeky T shirts are a wardrobe staple as well as I can't wear metal monsters to work because they trigger some of my clients.
Thank you for this video as it is the best explanation of masking that I've found so far and explains why I feel so exhausted after being around people for any length of time. I'm hoping to take semi retirement next year and I'm looking forward to it because the masking I have to do at work is so exhausting even when I like the people I'm working with.
I had a counselor tell me my hand writing changed. My response was yeah is that strange? it depends on how I feel. And now this is kinda confirming more that it's not usual.
I was misdiagnosed in highschool with DID. It's so crazy now learning that all the shit I do is because I have autism. I'm definitely feeling that like fear of not knowing who I actually am since I've been masking my whole entire life. This video has been really helpful. Thank you :)
I know what you mean. After I finally get home alone after being around others, I just collapse. I need a shower and to unwind with listening to music, playing a game or reading a book then a nap once I calm down a bit.
If I don't get that rest now and then, I have a meltdown. I lost jobs because of burnout, stress related sicknesses etc.
I avoid socializing as much as possible because it is just too exhausting. Trying to act and behave in ways I think people want to see is so tiring.
Good video.
I was diagnosed when I was 18, but my parents suspected that I had it. I have struggled a bit with masking. Not so much now, but it's more so that if someone is happy, I more so feel happy. I pretty much reflect what they feel.
Oh wow. I was thinking about how I would do the writing thing while you were talking about the makeup....then lo and behold you mentioned the writing thing!!
I relate to so much of your content it's very surreal but also very validating.
Thank you for bringing us your experiences. ❤️
Self diagnosed 52yo.
Hi, I did not bother to get diagnosed, but all my friends who did, and another friend who is a doctor tell me that I am autistic. I am over 40 now, and what I wanted to tell you is that you will succeed in taking your mask off, and even if you feel you do not know who you are now, you are so smart that you will find out soon. I loved your video. Cheers from France.
Im 21 and have just recently been looking into the fact that I might be autistic, and watching these videos feels so…wow…like I have never felt so understood before. I remember changing my handwriting so often that when i look back I cant even find my original handwriting. I constantly mimic behaviors from the people around me, even repeat what they say often, Assimilating my personality and likes to match those around me. Its absolutely mind blowing to me that i might’ve actually found other people who do the same things and feel that way🤎Im currently diagnosed with Depression, general anxiety, PTSD, Borderline Personality, and ADHD. In the past ive been diagnosed with OCD tendencies and bipolar, and none of these ever felt completely right for me, but the more i watch your videos and others on youtube, the more autism fits. Thank you for your channel and all your videos
OMG 😱 This describes me entirely! I live in Puerto Rico and here is a bit hard to find a good doctor and have a diagnosis but lately I’ve been digging into this topic and I’m convinced that I’m autistic.
Thank you so much for this video! 👌🏾🥰
Oh my gosh, I totally identifi myself with you, It’s so amazing tô finally be like someone , I feel like crying and laughing at the moment, thanks a lot 🥰🥰
You are absolutely not alone, Tamara! Thank you so much for reaching out. God Bless!
I relate to all of this, especially identity struggles and multiple masks. I am 27 years old. I have not found a way to completely take off my mask even at home. I have been even more super exhausted than usual lately. I am not diagnosed yet. Trying to get the bravery to pursue a diagnosis this year. Thank you so very much for sharing. Your videos are so helpful.
P.S. I did the copying handwriting thing all through my school years. I never thought that it could be related to autism. It does make quite a lot of sense though.
Hey! Thank you so much for watching my video and sharing some of your story with me. I'm so honored my videos could be helpful for you. Just remember, you are not alone! And if you feel like you want to pursue a diagnosis, you go for it girl. This year of my life since getting mine has been the best yet. I'll be with you all the way!
@@OliviaHops thank you so much. I have phone anxiety so I have not dealt well with calling for the evaluation even though I do know a couple places to call in my state. My friends here try to help me. I know I have to help myself, in a way, though. I also did not call on my bills. I wish I could just easily get over the phone anxiety thing.
@@DeborahAnnsuperversatile OMG!! Phone anxiety is SO ME!! I absolutely despise talking on the phone. I will do everything and anything to avoid it. The only people I can talk on the phone with are my parents. Thankfully the doctor I went to had an email. So, I emailed him first. Then he wanted to talk on the phone briefly as a follow up to my email. Even though I was scared, I forced myself to do it because I wanted a diagnosis so bad. Do you the doctors by you have emails? Maybe you could say you don't feel comfortable talking on the phone (it's a huge autistic trait).
@@OliviaHops okay. Wow! I did not even know that. I thought it had to do with something else entirely. One of them has an email. I will do that. Thank you for understanding. You help me so much! 🙂👍
@@DeborahAnnsuperversatile I didn't know that either! When I was in High School I couldn't order a pizza over the phone. I realized it was because I lacked the facial cues, and I'm hard of hearing so the audible cues were sketchy as well. I made significant progress with this when I got a summer job after graduating as a telephone operator. EEK!
Wow, crazy, I never thought of this, I mask constantly. I thought it was the socializing that exhausted me but maybe it's the masking of being "perfect."
I'm watching your videos because I suspect my daughter is on the spectrum, however, I myself relate to the masking thing, and going over conversations after the fact. I usually can't fall asleep after a social event because I am reliving it over and over trying to pick out what I said wrong or what someone might be thinking about what I said. Usually I come to the conclusion that I said too much but in the moment I can't help it.
I usually say too much as well. Later, I wonder why I didn’t just keep my mouth shut. Most people, that is what they do.
This is an amazing video! I think the way it is presented also makes it the perfect video for autistic people to show loved ones, so they can better understand specific parts of autism and what it's like. I think a lot of your videos are like that but this one is especially good for this purpose. Thank you for creating such valuable resources for fellow autistics!
Thank you so much for the high compliment! It means the world to me! I'm honored you think it's a great resource. God Bless!
This went straight to my mom. She used to get so annoyed with me because she didn’t know. She would say, “stop talking like that!“ I didn’t know what she was talking about. She would say, “I can always tell who you’ve been hanging out with because you come home talking like them!“ I felt exposed and confused. Here I am 40 years later putting the pieces together
Omg this is the first video I’ve seen on autistic masking where women changing their personalities depending on the friend group has been mentioned. OH MY GOD I HAVE DONE THAT FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER. It is truly the strangest experience because even as I am talking to whoever it is, I’m aware that I’m putting on an act, but it’s like I can’t stop it? And it’s really weird because it doesn’t reflect how I actually feel. Yet somehow I stand there hearing the words coming out of my mouth & on the inside my brain is like ??? Why am I saying this???
6:40 I am so glad I’ve found your video. I’ve been acting all my life! I generally just mirror what I see in front of me. After 60 years it’s second nature. And I’ve been lonely all my life, Because it’s just me. On my own, inside. Only me knows me.
I think you were masking during this video too ;)) we tend to smile when we would rather be something else ..since I mask less after realising being autistic and not surrounded by much people I'm a different person, so shocking.....
What an eye opener for me! May I remind you again what a blessing you are! Your communication skills and teaching ability are such a gift. At 68 I am finally understanding myself. Jesus loves us ♥️☘
Wait - how did you get those emoji? Are you on a phone or tablet????
@@RobinSnuttjer
Tablet☘😇♥️
@@lekat525 Ok, so you probably have a function on your tablet that allows you to use emoji - I'm on the computer and there's not anything. Thanks for answering my quuestion. :)
Thank you so much for the sweet compliment! You made my day! Jesus absolutely does love us!!!
Heck, I think this video just changed my life. I did all of this growing up not knowing this is part of autism. 😩
Wow, I'm so honored that it could give you some clarity into your childhood!!
I actually commented in a post on one of the Aspie groups on FB, where they asked if it was common to have bad handwriting. Mine is atrocious but personally I think the reason so many struggle with it is cos our brain goes so much faster than our hand can lol. I'm just trying to keep up, I don't have time to make it fancy.
It’s astounding how much I relate to everything you said in this video
Sitting here thinking.... not everyone is like this??? It's all making so much sense and I'm kind of sad. Going to binge your videos now!
Omg I love you! I was laughing and tearful throughout your video because I identify with so many things you were talking about. You are awesome, and thank you for these videos.
Thank you for posting! It’s encouraging me to start the conversation with my doctor sooner rather than later.
You are amazing. These videos are so intense. Hearing details about my experienced explained/high lighted like you do is profound and also like I can only watch about 5 minutes at a time because the processing it brings up is so intense. I super appreciate that you already do shorter videos so that's it's not too hard to find my place again if my computer forgets.
Thanks much Olivia...I'm learning so much. You are a dynamic teacher.
I relate to this video so much. Great description. I have a script in my head for every situation and the overanalysis of every conversation is spot-on.
Your videos have opened up my eyes so much. I never realized anybody else felt the same frustrations and trials that i have. I didn't know masking was even a thing, but now everything makes so much more sense.
Thank you for your guidance ♥️
I was diagnosed when I was 16 (im now 25) and it was noticed by my school’s psychologist. It made a my world make so much more sense when I finally found out
Thank you Olivia, I’m thrilled that I found you. Thank you for making the content that you do on your channel, it is so meaningful and kind and generous of you to do so! I don’t have a diagnosis for autism, I have a small suspicion I may be though. Regardless, it’s really nice to see more representation and advocacy for awareness surrounding this incredibly important subject. So yay, for you and others who are doing similar work!
Thank you, Olivia. This video is SO INFORMATIVE. I entered some 'ceramic heads' in an art show, once some called them my 'masks'.
I am 50yrs young… I just fully accepted that I am autistic today. Ty for being real, I can relate to you in so many ways.
Every time I watch one of your videos, you describe things that I completely relate to. Changing my demeanor to suit the current social group, changing things about myself to mirror those that I admired. Yup, that was (and still is, to an extent) me.
Thank you! I relate to the social aspect 100 percent, up til last year I masked. I used to write scripts and topics for whenever I had to make a phone call.
Oh my god. When you shared your story about mimicking people's writing I felt like I was hit with a brick. I have that exact story, capitals included. Additionally lettering is one of my special interests. It feels so incredibly validating to hear you share that story. Thank you so much.
Okay the different writing styles in school hit a little too close to home for me, I actually started tearing up. I used to do this in elementary, middle, high school all the way up until college and my writing and style of writing changed so drastically every few months. I didn't realize it was an autistic thing until now and always felt like it was something strange to be ashamed of because I had "no cool personality of my own". Thanks for this!!
“we are fantastic actors!” me: literally an actress because i’m good at it and i enjoy it😳🤚
You are the best you tuber I’ve seen talking on the subject. Well done... you will literally be saving lives.
Goodness, this is so informative, thank you!!!! Collecting info for my precious girl who is so little and masks very hard. I see how she has to hustle so much and it breaks my heart. BUT God continually guides us into wisdom and insight. ❤
I’m so happy to hear this was helpful for you and your little princess! She will do amazing things. She’s blessed to have you as a mom. God Bless 💙
It's amazing- I just watch your videos like, wow, she's describing my life!
Thsnk you for sharing this. I can relate.
In a new group setting, I would have to spend time watching their behaviour to inform me how I should act. This meant I had different worlds I inhabited, they never saw me in a different context, always kept things separate. I was the one moving from one group to another, I never let anyone in close enough to see the complete me. I would spend hours after a social situation going over everything that happened, what I said and how embarrassing things were. One to one was so much easier because I only had one personality to figure out and adapt to. I felt the responsibility to make social interactions easy and less awkward. People didn't know what to say to me, so I felt I had to do it. Yes, exhausting. I didn't understand the consequence on my self esteem until much later. I'm 55 now and I mask much less, I'm more certain of my core personality and I don't check who my audience is first.
I hope I'm more authentic now, because I think no matter how much we think we are successful at masking, it doesn't come across as completely genuine to others, they feel the disconnect, and aren't able to trust us fully.
I do wonder what my life would have been like if I had known about autism at an early age.
This was a great synopsis of masking! You're an excellent public speaker and the way you outline the topic makes it very easy to follow along. I feel like I am learning a lot! Thank you for being so brave and sharing your personal experience, I imagine you are helping many, many people. Thank you for creating this channel!
You explain things so well Olivia and articulate exactly how I (and many of us, no doubt) feel. I really love that you discussed the copying handwriting thing as that was something I did too. Even the letters A as you described. I remember my mum telling her friend about this as she found it so odd! I still have many different writing styles actually and it depends on what mood I'm in, the pen, the paper.....
Your videos have been such an eye opener. I have been diagnosed with so many mental disorders, some fit, some dont. But I truly believe I have been misdiagnosed and am seeking help and support and finally feel like I have an answer for what is wrong with me
You're videos are so well done and so informative. Every time I watch one, I can identify with the signs of being on the spectrum. This one on masking has really hit home.
I laughed when I heard the hair and make-up thing. I'm in my late forties and I still mimic how other people dress because I never feel like a 'grown up' or appropriate at work so I'll pick someone who seems to have their act together and is liked and copy their dress sense, personality and communication style. I also try to make up rules for how to act and look like at work. I get so exhausted by masking and never knew until recently that everyone isn't doing this! I got diagnosed this year, and it's like someone changing the focus on my whole life.
I enjoy watching your videos. I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD in November at 38. I've learned so much from you. Thank you, Olivia.
Oh my gosh! This is so helpful! We are looking into getting my oldest daughter (age 10) evaluated soon for ASD. This sounds like she really could be masking very well!
I have went thru most of your videos and have opened my eyes. My adult daughter is on the spectrum and my older daughter should get evaluated as should I. Me and my girls are expert maskers never actually realizing that we are pretending to be "normal". You have been such a support and a real look into female autism. I thank you so much.
Thank you so much for this video! You're describing yourself, but it feels like you could just as well be describing me. As someone who was very recently diagnosed (at age 31), it means a lot to know that others have had similar experiences.
So much of what you describe I have felt all my life, specifically being a different person around different groups (including wrecking my brain if I’m a dishonest person even though all “personalities” feel genuine) and stealing style and handwriting!! Whattttt. I have no diagnosis and enormous imposter syndrome though. Ugh this is hard
I wish I'd gotten diagnosed when I was younger. The stress and burnouts now make so much sense :1
You are very high functioning with a small business and a you tube channel. Congrats on your success in overcoming some of life's difficulties and finding your own special way.
Perfect video for sharing to help neuro-typicals understand us. Thank you!!...(I'm a 45 year old mom undiagnosed formally at this time, my husband was diagnosed last fall). We thought our marriage was over and we sought help...everything made more sense when he got diagnosed. But working on our problems, mistakenly thinking I was neuro-typical, didn't help us make much progress. We started educating ourselves, and I kept seeing myself and our children in the books and videos. I can see myself in every video you've shared with us so far. Please keep up the good work when you're able and you'll be a blessing to countless others! 💓
Olivia, this is wonderful!
I'm less than 3 minutes into this video (only the 2nd of your's that I've been blessed to see): THANK YOU! 💓💫 ...I will probably get no work done today as I binge on ALL of your videos 😁
Your videos help me to better understand my daughter who is now 22 and was diagnosed with what was then termed High Functioning Aspergers when she was 12. She still struggles with her identity, socializing, and holding down a job. I have shared many of your videos with her. Thank you!