What People Get Wrong about Modern Dating
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- čas přidán 8. 02. 2021
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Dr. K, Harvard-trained psychiatrists, gives dating advice in the modern world. It's a wasteland for relationships and cuffing season is but a myth. How are our fellow healthy gamers supposed to get advice on modern dating? An enigma. A travesty. In this video Dr. K gives some dating advice to help socially awkward people like ourselves find relationships.
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#Dating #onlinedating #relationships
"just be authentic" -Harvard doctor with enough charisma to start a cult if he wanted to
😂
lmao
💯💯💯
This is the top comment I needed this morning 😂
Because he's authentic.
Modern dating? I don't even know traditional dating
You guys are getting dates?
@@hungrymusicwolf what's a date?
@@hungrymusicwolf I wouldn't know, I've never had one
@@TheOfficialGoku today's 9th of february 2021
@@koladeac6990 out of curiosity, how old are you?
*Key Takeaways:*
1.) "How to get people interested in you?": *You don't.* You need to present yourself as who you are, and if they're interested in you then they'll let you know. Authentic you = Best version of you. To quote someone I saw in chat: "Authentic = Big Chad Energy".
2.) "How to turn small talk into free-flowing conversation": *General Rule of open-ended question followed by investigative response, while making your intentions known and fully clear.* Allow yourself to adjust to the flow of the conversation. If they respond well to a flirt, keep going. If they don't, then don't be afraid to back off.
3.) *Actually try to get to know the person.* You want to actually date them, right? Dating someone involves knowing things about them. Engage in topics you both relate to, and ask open-ended non-confrontational questions to allow the other person to show their true self (going back to Takeaway 1).
4.) *Don't be afraid to be honest; Be authentic!* If you want to strike a conversation with someone, but can't find a way to begin the conversation, just start talking. Don't force an introduction when you had to think about how to say it for the past 30 minutes.
.
5.) *Respect boundaries, but also have confidence.* Going back to takeaway 1 and 4, be authentic and clear with your intentions. If they say yes, or allow you to have a second chance, take it. But if they say no and continue to say no, then respect that.
6.) *Understand that even if they say no, you gave the other person the gift of feeling wanted by another human being. That's a pretty awesome gift to give.* "As long as you're not cringe about it" - Dr. K
> *You don't!*
Hey, alright!
Thanks for the summary! :D
Hey can I copy your no-
Oh, you're already sharing them.
Authentic me? Hmm, OK, let's see - self-loathing, insecure, suicidal, self-harming, zero goals etc etc
What? Not THAT authentic? oh....
Men don't have the luxury to think like that on dating apps, man. I wish we did, but we just don't. If we don't spark interest with the one match we get every solar eclipse, they'll just get bored and move on to one of the hundred other guys in her DMs
I feel like an alien studying human interaction. "Hmm, yes, write that down."
same haha
we are all AI robots so yes you need to install , human interactions drivers yes ;D
@@dankdisney7714 I'm definitely gonna wanna check that out, thanks.
I think it's because nobody this generation had a dad who could teach them how to date after the changes that have happened in the past 20 years. what you would have absorbed from older men in your life just doesn't work for a lot of people now, so you find people learning to date like it's an academic subject
@@AugustusBohn0 Dating is actually really intuitive.
Step 1: Be born super hot.
Step 2: Improve your already incredible looks with a stylish haircut and expensive clothes.
Step 3: Do not do shit, the other sex will make it absurdly easy for you to talk to them. THEY will be the ones being nervous about the whole ordeal, not you.
Man it is very easy these days to find a date.
I always use my phone calendar.
Can't believe this isn't top comment
@Meddlecat ah wait whats the difference between fresh and dried dates?? B-because like the dates Ive eaten are usually kinda dry but I though thats just how it be??? IDkNow MaaaN
Frfrfrfrfrfr
100% success rate xD
You had me in the first half
Reason why you should be yourself and not act like somebody else:
-You want your crush to fall in love with you, not somebody else.
69 likes nice
I will be whoever the fuck I have to be to receive good touch, cuddles, hugs, holding hands, ANYTHING
@@finbar5421 Ok then just be yourself. Should be the easiest.
@@JarthenGreenmeadow Usually when people say things like "just be yourself" what they really mean be the person I'm accustomed to. If someone is not "being themselves" what is happening is that person is trying to improve in some way. And good for them, self improvement is a good thing. People have the right to define themselves any way they want.
@@JarthenGreenmeadow I'm not a easy or particularly likable person
As a guy, the few random genuine compliments ive gotten from females will stick with me for my entire life
hope you show more that vulnerability
because it’s attractive
@@anacronicocroccroc9629 more vulnerability or more than vulnerability ? I have no issue speaking openly about my opinions and feelings, or being vulnerable, because I'm pretty comfortable in my skin at this point . And personally , it wasnt easy to get to where i am now mentally.
@@anacronicocroccroc9629 Men don't get complimented by women at all. If they do, it's a rare sight. FOH with "VuLnErAbiLitY"
@@TeaMMatE11 based
true
"sup gangsta"
is how i met my gf, we've been dating two years lol
Haha best introduction to a woman that I've ever heard. Good for you two!!
@@nofacenocase3 it’s all about confidence in yourself and respect to them according to the situation :)
hell yeah dude
@@crouchjump5787 no
Ofc youre extremely attractive
“Be authentic.”
“Have confidence.”
Pick one, I can’t do both!
This is gonna sound cheesy, self love before love. And having a healthy relationship with urself before someone
Mark Normand?
Be sykkuno
You can´t be your authentic self until you become confident. Once you gain confidence, you will naturally act authentic. If you don´t have confidence in this moment, take baby steps to get there in the long term.
@@a.blackwater3076 Not cheesy at all. Super true. Anything to gain confidence in yourself is good. This is why when people say "don't care what others think" it's true, but that doesn't mean to dress like a bum. Often times, dressing better, getting a good haircut, and working out often can be for yourself more so than for others. If you look good, you feel good. And if you can gain confidence this way, then go for it.
Jim Carrey said "The funny thing is when you start feeling happy alone, that's when everyone decides to be with you."
If there's one thing i miss about school is how naturally relationships could start thanks to big friend groups. As an adult it feels like dating and making friends is all about having some kind of end goal to that relationship, and that can end up feeling oppressive.
I find it best to have a hobby, and go somewhere that people also have that hobby.
Then your end goal is your starting goal, enjoy the hobby around other people.
If things move from there, just see where they go, the same way you might just explore some woods just to see what you find.
"Big friend groups", i can count my school friends on my fingers
Persona moment
The school friendships were no different.
Thats why almost all friendships dissolve after the end of hs.
@@iceskaterprotainasxp8276 which is already more than 1 or 2 that typical, extroverted adults have; if you're introverted and haven't carried over friends from college, you have 0
lmao hey :) im going to whole foods, need anything?
Overpriced groceries please
Whats your credit card number??
serotonin
Boneless baguette please
Can I have some guava juice?
At 5:00 "or she giggles": be aware that laughter can also be a response to discomfort. There's a difference between a flirty happy giggle and somebody laughing because they are uncomfortable but don't know what to say to make you back off.
Exactly. There is never a way to 100% know what she feels but you can get close by noticing multiple patterns at the same time instead of just one thing
@@Zeegoner Yes exactly. You need to pay attention to multiple things like what the laugh sounds like, facial expression, where she's looking and general body language.
I think Dr K maybe forgets that some of the people watching are autistic or have some autistic-like difficulty reading body language, and that can make stuff like this really difficult and stressful because we don't read those signals intuitively. It sounds like Dr K assumes this will be easy for everyone and it just isn't.
@@SomeoneBeginingWithI I thought this was mostly about flirting through text messages. So not sure how much what you say applies in that situation. Pretty much the worst thing that can happen is that she stops responding to your messages. If she keeps responding with replies that aren't 1 or 2 words long, you're probably not doing that bad.
@@sitofak it started out being about texting and dating aps but then Dr K started talking about meeting people irl.
If you make the other person uncomfortable, that's a bad outcome too. It's not all about you.
@@SomeoneBeginingWithI Ok, I get it. I was approaching it from my perspective of overcoming shyness. When it comes to me, I would rather err on the side of making someone slightly uncomfortable by being too open rather than not saying something out of fear that it may offend them.
I don't have any experience with autism so what you're saying may be helpful to someone who is on the autism spectrum.
3:37 oh god his hair is almost long enough for a man bun, he's becoming too powerful
it's not even his final form
petition for Dr K to let his hair grow longer so he can rock the Eren yeager hairstyle
He’s ascending
@@moezbenhassen8351 He just keeps moving forward until all our depression is cured
@@GuanglaiKangyi Best comment
Y'know what people find really attractive? Emotional maturity, knowing who you are, and having confidence in who that person is.
And money.
@@tiagobarbosa509 LMFAO, money for women especially, men don’t rlly care that much
@@KamiChrisy I’ve seen a few guys mooching off of financially successful women. It’s not as often as women doing it to men of course, but it is something affluent women need to watch out for too, if they care.
I second that!
No, not really, no. Emotional maturity makes you seem boring, being yourself usually will get you friendzoned and you will never know who the other person is.
,,So what was 2020 like for you ?"
Her:,,Good."
Lol
And like, you know she's a psycho if she liked 2020 lmao
"That's interesting considering a lot of things in 2020, what made it good for you?"
Dud, my sides. Thanks for the comment.
@@jonsmith590 ,,Not sure"
6:29 "The last person I picked up was 17-" *oh no*
"...years ago" *phew*
"... like two years ago." MonkaS
There wasn't even a pause... you're weird for thinking that tbh lol
Well he is in his late 30s if I remember correctly, so only a few years of
@@bigz3283 no he’s funny. recognize it when you see it and your life will be a little more fun and less cringe (this is not a diss)
Lmaooo
Dr. K- "Be your authentic self," also Dr. K- "be... respectful... make her laugh, be funny, you know have confidence."
I'm getting some real mixed signals here.
Don't be a clown for the other person that's the takeaway
If you are yourself, you can always be funny. This doesn't mean that you have to crack jokes, just confidently telling some anecdote or something about yourself in a playful manner.
An example, let's say you both like karaoke, but you are not actually a good singer, although you don't care about that.
You could confidently say something like "Nice, I have finally found a partner for my duett, you bring the nice voice and I bring the ...ähhm passion XD" or something like this. Which is basically implying that you are confident in yourself, tells something about you (Like "I don't take myself too seriously") and is also kind of funny.
Or when she is searching for an intelligent guy, but you sometimes do stupid stufff, you could say something like "I don't really know if I can be the smart guy here, because I'm definitely a dumb fuck at times, just recently I did *something stupid and funny* XD "
You could also do this the other way around, where you are more like "roasting" here, but there you have to be more careful not to actually offend her.
sooo... you're not respectful?
@@VeNLiiez Being disrespectful and joking with someone is definitely not the same.
@Unironik This was just an example for something, that COULD be in a persons bio and that you could work with, not a statement about what girls actually search for.
But yeah, there are not that many female gamers on dating platforms and you can only really talk about programming when the other person also does something similar.
"it's not your job to spark interest" ...........well, there goes my entire social strategy
thats just how life is for me, you just need to be your self and if you feel like you dont connect then just move on.
As simple as that
Legit
I wholeheartedly agree that one should just be themselves because any relationship built on inauthenticity will be doomed to fail. But, one should also introspect and address any objectively undesirable personality traits that may be making them less attractive, perhaps even something that they could improve upon physically such as becoming healthier, getting a nice haircut, wearing nice clothes, without going overboard of course.
Well the idea is that you are someone who respects themselves and has goals and ambitions beyond pleasing the other sex so naturally youd take care of yourself, workout, groom, have good style, and be financially dependable. If you dont have that, you have bigger problems than attracting woman. Even if you con one into being with you, she stays with you for long enough you will get complacent and she will run. The only way to attract and keep a woman is to adopt a genuine lifestyle of being confident successful and hardworking man. The question you have to ask yourself is, what if women didn’t like successful, healthy, well groomed men and fat, smelly, and broke men became the new hot, would you turn into a bum to get women? if your answer is yes, you are a weak man and you will have a lot of difficulty attracting the opposite sex, be it men or women, whatever you are into.
@ItsGravyBaby Hope she sees this bro
@@m.a6899 If you think all (heterosexual) women can be characterised as being exclusively attracted to confident, successful, hardworking men, then that is incredibly sad. People are not one-dimensional beings, incapable of deviating from predetermined algorithms of attractiveness.
@@GamerLad98 Most of us are though. I'd suggest if a woman isn't attracted to men who are confident or successful it's often an esteem issue on her part. Confidence and success and good looks and things aren't societal algorithms, it's mostly hard wired biology that's been shown time and time again in studies. It's also replicated in the animal kingdom. While sure, we can deviate, I would suggest most of us don't want to or it doesn't occur to us to. If you find a woman who says she likes unattractive lazy guys, this is usually a result of something that happened to her or her upbringing rather than a genuine preference.
I went off tinder cause there just wasnt the right people for me, but now I know exactly what to do next
Gonna get a bunch of peacock feathers, fancy shirt, nice jeans and hope my mating shakes work their magic
Why not get a pet peacock
Id date someone with a pet peacock
@@suides4810now that sounds like a great first date, infiltrating the black market pet trade
@@suides4810 peacocks are really loud.
That might actually fucking work, no cap
Tinder is designed not to work. If you met someone on there hold on to them. It is ment to be if not even tinder can keep you from each other.
As long as you don't hurt any birds, I like the peacock approach. Good luck.
Nah, I've been running the "never leaving my apartment or talking to anyone" strat for a really long time, it's bound to pay off any day now!
I started a first date by asking, "So would you eat a dog?" because it was the last thing I was thinking of as I walked into the bar to meet her. And we haven't stopped laughing two years later.
A good way to take rejection: If they say no, they just realised you are not compatible faster than you did.
It's not about their status, wealth or looks - it's about *them*. Anything else will lead to misery for everyone involved.
Hey thats a good way of looking at it
Oh yea 100%. I've beat rejection before and got into a 5 month hellstorm of a relationship. Would not recommend.
whoa I just realized how true this is
what if you ask them again and they say yes?
@@heinoustentacles5719 Is that something which actually happened to you (it can happen for various reasons but it's not common) or just something you're hoping for?
i love drk's chat dude. everybody starts sadging when he said "no im seeing someone".
Dating always feels like such a weird term. It feels disingenuous. I don’t want to talk to women specifically for my own selfish reasons, because there is another human involved in that. I’d prefer to meet someone I find genuinely interesting, build a slow bond with them, and maybe some day get into a relationship. Maybe that’s asking for too much though.
I don't think that's asking too much at all. In fact I think what you're describing is exactly what everyone wants. Dating apps absolutely are disingenuous though, imo. You're literally trying to sell your looks and personality to other people while simultaneously trying to represent your entire being into a small amount of characters on a screen. Personally I say build friendships, get to know people, be yourself, don't be an ass if you get rejected, and you'll do just fine. Obviously we need to not be in a pandemic for that, but I for one believe that patience will be rewarded in time.
thats what dating means to me
@@jfeev8129 I’m starting to lose my patience... :/
@@carvman217 but why exactly? I'm not trying to be rude but do you need a significant other right now? I used to be obsessed with the idea of getting a girlfriend, and that attitude made me really toxic and unhappy. Sometimes you just gotta learn to let go and not worry so much about what you can't control.
@@jfeev8129 I’ve just gotten so close soo many times, but then something always happens or the feeling just suddenly switches on their part or whatever. It’s just so frustrating, to get so far and everytime nothing comes of it
So glad you mentioned the spark of interest part. People treat dating like learning a special code, saying the right thing and hoping it sparks a fire of interest. Dating should be about meeting people, conversing with them, deciding whether that person is right for you, and seeing if they feel the same way. Although dating can feel like a chore, it should be about fostering connections and getting to know people on a human level.
lots of people have this mechanistic understanding of romantic relationships as well as other kinds of relationships and it's alienating af to be on the receiving end of.
I had a friend disrespect me in a major way and then double down it, and then only when I made it clear I wasn't putting up with it did he scramble to offer a token apology. People aren't companionship vending machines that dispense what you want after reciting the right sequence of mouth noises, it's more complicated than that.
As for romantic relationships, there are some people you can hook up with and some you can't. Talking to/dating somebody isn't about programming them to enter companion mode, it's about determining whether you and they are compatible. To at least some extent, that's already determined before the first conversation even starts.
Yup that’s definitely how I think. How do you change that?
"Be Pog, Don't be Cringe..." peepoNotes
Doc's Hair game though.... SHEESH
"The last 10mins I've been thinking of what to say to you and start a conversation , can you help me out?" "No".... "Okay good talk". That is how it went for me.
lmao nice
That just terrible manners from her side, I'm sorry you had to hear that. :(
if they respond so rudely, you can be glad you dodged a bullet
And that's fine, isn't it? She probably wasn't interested
@@cristinaherreragonzalez398 And it's still women who say that taking initiative is so hard, right?
What strikes me in these conversations is no one seems to consider that YOU should also be trying to figure out if THEY are interesting people as well. People get so worked up trying to make people interested but you are the other half of the interaction. Find out what makes them interesting in regards to yourself. Your interest in them is just as important. Weight needs to be taken off of you and you'll be more at ease I think once you accept that, thus have more flowing and natural conversation
I have my first date ever on Friday with a girl I met on the internet, thank god I watched this video. Thank you Dr. K, wish me luck!
Good luck! Let us know how it goes
@@emptyi511 she ghosted me, left me on read for 24H before the date and didn't show up :/ It is what it is though, she prolly wasn't the one anyway. Had my best friend over instead, we watched movies and played FIFA :D
@@Snalle damn I'm sorry to hear that. Keep your head up though it's probably as you said. You'll find better soon enough. On the bright side, you got to see your best friend and have some fun playing FIFA and watching some movies which honestly sounds pretty nice! :)
@@emptyi511 thank you for the kind words and the support, you're absolutely right.
@@Snalle Yeah don't mention it! I hope all goes well for you :D
"you're the only scuba diver I know, let's dive together one day" was my pickup line.
we've been dating for 6 years and just finished a round the world trip.
The part about being yourself sounds so cliché but it's 100%accurate.
i have more respect for the men that say ¨ look i just want to fuck¨ than i do for the guys who act like thats not their end goal eventhough it is. when you arent genuine and up front and just beat around the bush it can make you seem creepy and that you are not a genuine person.
The best thing you said here for me personally is, that at lest you made someone feel good about them selves. I never really though of it that way. I actually thought I was kind of being annoying doing so, if I got rejected.
That's exactly right. I was for so long focused on being or saying something that will make the other side interested in me. Just as the person writing the question did. And once I realized it had nothing to do with that I was really mind blown. For instance, if the other side is not attracted and interested in you, there's nothing you can do or say that will make them suddenly want to date you, now, if they weren't interested in you at the start and once you started a conversation, they gradually got interested then it's not because of what you were saying, it's that you displayed what you have to offer and they liked that. So, in my experience you have to be the person they want to date and no cheesy line will get you the girl/boy/apache helicopter/other.
All those $49.99 or $99.99 pua programs that make you think there's some jedi mind trick you can use.
Puas teach :
Man: i *am* the guy you're looking for
Woman : you are the guy i'm looking for
Man: we will do something this weekend.
Woman : we should do something this weekend
For men and online dating it comes down to this. It doesnt matter how original or unique your opener is. If she isnt attracted to your photos your out of luck. Meeting girls in person is ten times easier.
Fr
in person is the same, keep coping
@@oil1252loser🎉
@@oil1252its really not lmfao
Tried both and it's the same. Meeting girls in-person is still down to if she's attracted to your appearance, and will shut you down before you even open your mouth the say hi.
Being yourself and not trying to entertain a woman has become dramatically difficult, and it is not just about tinder.
Have you considered that this is all in your head? I wouldn't say dating is difficult, it just tends to take time. I remember it took me like 4 years on and off on some dating apps to find a wonderful person that I am with for 2 years now. You just need patience. And I did not had the feeling that I needed to entertain her, because the things I talked about were things she also found entertaining. I agree with Dr. K... all you need to do is lay out your hand and see if she's interested in it. If she doesn't respond, move on. Yes, there are many women that want to be entertained, but those are not the kind of women searching for a meaningful relationship. Again, move on and save your time for someone who is interested!
I disagree, I mean sure depending on your personality you might have a harder time naturally meshing with a woman but trust me, to entertain a woman by putting up some completely fake act takes WAY too much work and I personally believe you wouldn't be as happy if it had worked anyways. Because you know who you really are, and you know that this wasn't you that you were showing her. Now obviously being more charming or socially adept helps for sure. But don't make a whole new persona for a woman. Not worth it.
@@sudoku3830 How tall are you?
@Unironik based
@@deistrix3239 5'5/6 in american measurement. I understand why you asked and yes, there's plenty superficial women, but it doesn't matter. As matter of fact, my girlfriend of 2 years told me she wasn't impressed by my height at first, even though she is smaller than me, but quickly learned to love me for my personality. This is the kind of women you need to look out for. People that judge you based on stuff that you can not control are not worth any effort. Again, patience and personality are key.
Hopefully I can provide some perspective on this topic as a gamer with a history of being bullied over looks to studying this topic and growing to having two girlfriends, the latter of which became my wife of over 4 years.
Dating can be complex, sure. But the overall concept is very simple: it's a sort of exchange of sexual value. every person is not mating with every other available person at all times, the reason being that there are biological and psychological barriers in place to control such--and to get deeper, it's to ensure the passing on of desirable genes. this natural selective process on the macro level becomes dating.
And I bring up the scientific aspect of it to reframe the question of "how do I date?" into "what (perceived) value do I provide?" the keyword is perceived because the potential love interest you communicate with doesn't actually know you, only what you present to them in your interaction. and people who can convey the most value in their interactions will have the most success.
THAT'S why everyone emphasizes "having confidence" as the #1 piece of dating advice (presented to cishet men at least) because it is a projection of the value that you inherently have as a man. this is something every man can do, even if you doubt yourself.
In this sense, it's why "being confident" and "being yourself" are not mutually exclusive. The former is a modifier of sorts, but it's also not a personality trait so you'd still need to inject some of your personal content into it. the reason why you might not "identify with" confidence is because you are used to experiencing a lack of it. however there are likely other times you can think of in your life where the feeling was present so it's an achievable thing you can get or get back.
of course, confidence can fluctuate and our society does a lot to destroy everyone's confidence at some point to profit from it, men included, but you can work towards building your confidence by talking note of your strengths and investing as much as you can in them. there's plenty of attractive qualities, but the 3 most OP skills are: 3) confidence 2) looks 1) social skills ("charisma"). other important abilities are: emotional/financial stability, maturity, humor, and handling rejection (something that happens to all humans at some point).
If this seems like a tall order, think of it like most video games. There's certainly some challenge involved because no one is intended to win automatically, but if you learn the mechanics and execute them properly then you will see success. and depending on your level of mastery, you'll see overwhelming success. if I can do it as someone who didn't have my first kiss until adulthood, a hopeless 20 year old virgin to getting married 5 years later then anyone else can too.
Love Dr. K for creating this platform to have these kinds of conversations ♥️
it took me nearly 40 minutes to write this comment so I sincerely hope it can help someone out there!
none of this shit makes sense I just want to be aromantic and asexual
@@lowtech42 Your comment really does help me right now, it helped me put things into perspective. Thank you so much!
@@lowtech422 years later and it’s helped me
That last part is a selfless way of thinking about rejection. Often times I find myself getting to caught up in my own fear of rejection, so this was really well said and helped a lot, thanks Dr. K!!!
"We live in a society" - Dr. K 10:13
Epic gamer moment.
Yo he even has sorta Joker-like hair right before it lmao.
@@nomadsland8322 so true, he spoke like a closeted Joker 😂
my current partner of 1.5 years came up to me at an event and said "so what's your life story?" and things worked out pretty well from there
Wow that's honestly a good one. I think I might try that at a rave some time. Rave people might like stuff like that :)
ur prolly a chad. if you are not a chad in 2021 dating is bleak
Let me guess, he is pretty tall?
@@yzwme586 i know too many non chads in relationships
adding that to the list of things that didn't happen
Balance: 1 credit
-Being funny: 1 credit
-being authentic: 1 credit
f
lul
Being attractive: 1 000 credits
F
But that was funny though. There is hope yet my guy!
How about you replace "funny" with "fun"? Show that you give a shit about life, that you can enjoy it and keep it real.
Thank you I really needed this. I was pretty down in the dumps this week after being rejected and ghosted, and wondered if there was something about me that needed changing - but the analogy about being a market stall vendor and presenting yourself fully and authenticity really spoke to me and allowed things to be put in perspective. Thank you!
"I dont know what "based" means" got me laughing
Your avatar, where did you get it from?
@@Deliverygirl no idea i do know its a cat 3d modeled on a ball tho
It's so insane that there is a 10 minute video that is so easy to understand about something that is so complicated and hard to do. You're the best Dr. K.!
It's actually funny, I find that more women are interested in me now, even though at this time in my life I'm not interested in dating. I think the reason is I've been putting in no effort in putting on a mask for people, I just act in a way I find most comfortable and natural. Like I guess the girls I interact with think it's really easy to talk to me because I just listen most of the time, I don't try and push anything on them and instead I just let them talk or respond however they want to, and when I do respond I'm just honest with them, I don't try and say something to impress them or anything.
That happens a lot.
Don't meant to demean you just curious, how old are you when this started happening to you.
@@piyushsharma3991 well for a while i was a bit of a shut in so i hardly interacted with people outside of my close friends, but i went back to work recently and started meeting new people, that's when i started noticing this. And currently I'm 22
@@vic2_o oh ok, I was a bit worried that you're gonna say "I'm in my thirties " because in my mind I was like "Man I don't wanna give up hope and wait till I'm thirty to start having women noticing me"
I do that but NGL, never goes beyond staring at each other or talking about life. None of us make a move cos probably they're just friendly you know. And rejection does still suck for me to handle so i just disappear from their bubble for a bit
"Be yourself" and "Be Interesting" are incompatible statements.
I was thinking the same. Being interesting is super subjective.
How is that incompatible? You don't need to be interesting for everyone. There's almost 8 billion people in the world. So roughly 4 billion women and 4 billion men. Do you really think that if you put yourself out there, there isn't a single person that would find you interesting? Seems like the problem is that you dislike yourself, not that others dislike your personality. You should work on that. Not for other people but mainly for yourself.
@@sitofak Finding yourself interesting won't help in others finding you interesting. The argument of "there's so many people, just put yourself out there!" is just as infallible as "be interesting". You can't show all the women in the world who you are. You can't even show all the women in your city who you really are. To use your own reasoning, "seems like the problem is that you think they found it incompatible due to not liking themselves, not that the incompatibility stems from the problem attempting to be solved with a contradicting solution".
@@KingButcher "Finding yourself interesting won't help in others finding you interesting." I don't agree. I think it will certainly help. Hating yourself kills so much of your potential. When you stop disliking yourself you can both present yourself better to others AND start really taking care of yourself. Being yourself doesn't mean you can't improve.
Saying that being yourself and being interesting is incompatible implies that the only way to be interesting is to become someone else. Well it's true if you live by the quote "No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man." But you don't have to pretend you're someone you're not to be interesting to others.
Not being able to meet all the women in the world is a fair point. Good thing is that's not needed and you wouldn't be interested in every single one of them anyway.
@@sitofak Not finding yourself interesting doesn't imply that you hate yourself. You can be in a state of indifference. Even if you do find yourself interesting, that on its own doesn't help the situation either if you can't express that in a way that others would find at least intriguing. "Improving yourself" (for whatever vague definition) doesn't directly correlate with others finding you interesting.
I'm not sure how the incompatibility implies that you should somehow change yourself? It instead stems from "interesting" being a relative concept. What you find interesting isn't technically what others would. "Be interesting" in this context of dating, where the goal is to get a decent relationship, implies "Be interesting to your partner", which logically isn't guaranteed to occupy the same category.
The retort of seeing every women being impractical was to refute the argument that "theres X many others so you're bound to find one". I agree that it not used, but it being a requirement wasn't the point of the statement.
Overall, the first two responses are slippery slopes or hasty generalizations while the last is a red herring.
Thinking about makkng someone feel good about themselves is actually a great way i can think about rejection. Thats great advice ty!
Copege
that can backfire if the woman thinks you're ugly. She'll come to the conclusion of, "why do i only attract these types of people".
Lots of comments say something along the lines of “being authentic & confident is an oxymoron for me.” & I think there’s a few healthy ways to think about this.
A. If you’re not confident in who you are, 1. Asses if there’s valid reason for your insecurities or whether you’re simply being too hard on yourself. 2 Once you’ve improved yourself or begun to accept yourself for who you are, you’ll become more confident in yourself. Basically, it’s the age old trope of “loving yourself.” If you can’t love yourself or you have nothing going for yourself, you’re probably going to be codependent in your next relationship.
B. Being confident isn’t all about being outgoing, or assured of your complete competency in all areas of social interaction. Being confident is the social equivalent of being brave is in a physical altercation. You may feel fear, but being brave is feeling the anxiety & doing that thing anyways.
For me confidence & authenticity means I don’t fear rejection anymore. I’m confident that as long as I put myself out & be authentic I’ll attract the kind of person that I jell with. I might see someone who looks like what I want, but if we start talking & it doesn’t click that’s for the best. Imagine if we didn’t click & it did work out: went on more dates that were mediocre & we were both on our phones the whole time, but hey we looked like we should be together so we kept at it! Got married & had kids. We both have completely different ideas on how to raise kids. Get the picture?
As long as you’re confident that putting the real you out there, anxiety & existential depression & all, will result in the right person for you to come around. Then you’re truly ahead of the curve in the dating scene, just by just getting there in your personal growth
thank you! i've actually been approaching Dating Apps in that way recently, so it's good to hear this reaffirmed. i'm done with the chasing, someone will pursue me if they want to, and on the otherside, if they're boring to talk to i'm not gonna drag it out just because the person is hot. lol i'm gay and this is still good advice even if it's a little bit different, sexuality doesn't change dating a ton.
*Dr. Chad Thundercock strikes again*
Dr. Wish, Wannabe.
Thank you for bringing up the bit about the investigative response. In my experience a lot of people don't ask (don't know how to ask?) proper follow-up questions and a lot of my dating app convos ended up feeling more like a game of 20 Questions eventually. Why are people in such a rush to go through all the conversation topics without dwelling on anything? That's exactly how you get awkward small talk…right?!
9:10 this is the most TRUE thing I have ever heard
yeah made me realize , that complimenting someone and saying what you genuinely think about them without overthinking takes just a minute , but they might end up thinking bout it later and will make them feel happy . its a win win sitaution , but its the lack of confidence that prevents them i guess
@@srikanth6170 also TRUE
@@UpsetSpaghet That idea is awful, because you would boost her ego for free. It's enough for women these days, they have ego boosters literally everywhere (in real live and especially in social media). Most women think they deserve their princes already, don't make things worse.
It’s incredible how the simplest of advice can go a very long way
I've come to the same conclusions recently on my own and it feels great for Dr K to approve them
Hey Dr K, I wanted to thank you for doing what you do. You are one of the most intelligent, well-spoken, kind, and non-judgmental people that I have stumbled across on youtube or twitch. You have created such a good resource for FREE to anyone on the internet, I appreciate what you do and respect the hell out of you man! Your videos and streams have helped me get through some rough patches of time over the past year and a half. Keep up the great work! Love you man!
Just found ur channel : really good information. As a psychology major , you are really informative while also thinking of both parties , suggesting choices and simply not telling someone to do “this” to get success , not imposing beliefs or views to an overbearing extent.
Not so much with dating but, one of the things that helped me with social anxiety and talking to new people was something from the late Larry King's book "How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere".
The TL;DR is that everyone is an expert in something you know almost nothing about. Find what people are interested in and try to understand the what/why/how. Being honest and empathetic and being genuinely curious goes very far.
"Your job is to lay out the stuff on the table" - Dr. K. 2021
Love this man. Thanks for all the advice Dr. K!
Basically do whatever you find to be challenging your capacity in any form. Something that's enjoyable, exciting and is a positive experience especially considering the challenge and learning involved to be unpleasant at times but you win as this is overcome.
"I don't know what based means"
That's not very based, Dr K
And i think neither do you
but what if it is
What does it mean?
@@ashuranero5721 if you dont know what it meand you are either too young or too old
@@witchblade9888 I am 22, am i too old or too young?
I lost it when I saw someone toward the beginning in chat write “PepeNote buy a table”
Actual good advice, thanks doc 👍
I think there needs to be like a crash course on making your dating profile. I have a gf now but I recall so many women having 'message me and find out' or their interests are 'dogs, adventures the show friends and coffee' or 'the office' and 'traveling and hiking' like maybe I'm just too dynamic of a person and with my interests but when I saw that and I didnt care how pretty you are. They had the most common and uninteresting interests and nothing else saying what they are like or about as a person. Following the street vendor analogy, it's like having the table to display your stuff but not actually putting stuff on it. Like I cant imagine that 1 out of 2 women (anecdotal) only have a combination of 3 of the interests I mentioned earlier. This is all aside of how terrible dating sites are. But it's almost as if people arent even trying to make the worst of a mediocre situation.
This is such a sweet video, and full of things I needed to hear. I'm going out with friends tonight so if I spot someone I'm attracted to, I think I'll give it a go!
So, 'be yourself'. I don't really know how to be anyone else, so this is my default setting.
36 years in, and nobody has seen that person and been interested enough.
My man, your content is always so damn soothing . Also ''DR CHAD'' in chat made my die
So glad you have this platform to help people
"be authentic, be yourself"
Well, I'm just not even gonna talk to anyone at all.
Oh man what would normally be 10/10 content on itself is further amplified by that hilarious chat getting absolutely riled up and taking notes on Dr. Chad giving dating advice. I fucking love this community.
this is a very nuanced topic. I know for me im just not "myself" over the phone. I dont like texting and i cant maintain interest in small talk/introductions. I like face to face interaction and from what Ive experienced most people on most dating sites arent really invested. Theyre either looking to hook up or theyre bored. No one is looking for love.
Great advice dr.k the vendor analogy was spot on. And the big one is MAKE YOUR INTENTIONS KNOWN. FLIRT. Or you will get stuck in the friend zone
One thing I want to add is that dating is a skill. You level that skill up the more you do it. Don't be afraid of the first few dates being awkward or something like that because you get better over time
just tank the psychotic stress and bottle the emotions and do you
works every time
Sounds like a damn problem
@@pogo8050 na fam im not twitchin im just dancin
Lol I do the same thing, and it always works
Bottle your emotions.... in a bottle of whiskey.... after you drank the whole thing... /s
@@thevanillatoast i love this comment lol
The best "we live in a society" ever.
I love that perspective of yours.
Making a flirt towards someone is pretty much the same as making a compliment.
I like complimenting people for when they do well anyways. So I guess I should treat flirting the same way?
Obviously within the boundaries of common sense.
That's very… relieving to hear. The hawker stall metaphor clicked. I think I've been too much of a pleaser, and some of those inauthenticity prevented me from presenting what I am, what I like etc.
I never had an issue getting dates when I was in school or around people regularly, but I don't even get swiped on through any online mediums. And when I do I just get ghosted in a few days. It's so disparate I have no idea what I'm doing wrong.
I know I'm not like hideously unattractive, I know I have plenty to say to someone if we have enough in common. I've had enough close relationships in my life to reinforce that. It's just that none of that matters if nobody even wants to start a conversation with you.
The only advice on how to actually date is just be yourself, the only problem we have is accepting that. We don't feel like we are good enough or something and because of that we don't feel like we can talk to others and try to act better than we are. But the key of dating is to get know someone and if you don't feel like that's right, then you will either get into a toxic relationship or you just simply wait till you are at the point that you think you are actually worth it.
That street vendor analogy made something click in my head made so much sense thanks a lot
Wow, I think that helped me a lot.It´s weired, I teared up when he was saying "be authentic" and gave the example. I dont know why tho, but i think because its that simple and in the past i overthought this stuff.
Here's a tip from someone who has bounced from social butterfly to being terrified of social interaction and vice versa. A lot of it is being capable of demonstrating interest in the person and being interested in putting yourself out there. The best way to start building this skill is just striking up small talk and doing it slowly. I cannot tell you how many times I was feeling down, felt like I wasn't interesting enough or spontaneous enough because I would often forget that social interaction in any context is actually about practicing a degree of self-esteem. Ask someone on the way to work something, 'where did you get x', 'do you like this commute?' etc. As you practice you will gain a sense for what works and what doesn't and you will have an OPPORTUNITY to move the conversation onto something else. When you are ready you can turn that 'something else' into asking them out.
This is so true, and working in customer service was really my crash course. When I first started, I could barely mouth greetings to customers without being terrified that I was bothering them. Gradually, as I received welcoming and acceptance from strangers, I realized I could open up and be genuinely warm and welcoming in return and encourage them to voice their needs. This has completely transformed how I talk to pretty much everybody.
There is so much garbage advice on attraction/dating on youtube from pickup artists and "dating coaches". Nice to hear from somebody whose primary message involves being yourself and not needing to make somebody react to you in a specific way.
There's another YT'er called Anthony Recenello that does social skills coaching and is my go-to on this subject
Awesome advice Dr. K
Please do more about dating. It's funny because this was uploaded just as I left my therapists office after she told me I should start dating again.
This was brilliant, thanks Dr K. Love the discussion point towards the beginning, regarding the feeling like there is a responsibility on you to keep something going, I think this is a key piece of advice that many can benefit from. It's an unfair and un-necessary burden to put on yourself! PS: Hair is looking great, hope you're going to keep the growth going, and I hope you're well :)
As a woman…This is honestly the most solid advice I’ve heard in any dating video. It’s not about controlling and MAKING them interested in you. Show who are just for your OWN practice of self expression for yourself, and someone who’s truly interested in you for your whole self will come along and it’ll be a great relationship because you weren’t trying to manipulate someone into liking you and later on they WILL realize you aren’t who you said you were and *boom* trust completely gone and now you’re single again.
Listen to this man. He’s a wizened sage.
more girls should make the first move as well then !
He is not a sage i think, he's a psychologist
@@crystyxnthat used to bother me a lot but I know why women act like that, they don’t want to feel like the man, which goes against all notions of equality but there’s no fairness in the sexual marketplace
@@SeFu2006 haha same bro. Also nice PFP, always wanted to play FF15. I loves FF7 remake
I’m coming back to this video and I would sign up for that dating class in a goddamn heartbeat.
Hey Dr. K, just dropping in to say I love the hair! Keep up the good work!
Interviewing for a job has a lot of similarities to this too!
You basically laid out what I always tell my male friends when they ask me for advice, especially the part about being yourself and asking what their interlocutor is passionate about.
My friends usually then reply with "she won't engage in the conversation any further if I do that" or "she said she has no interests or at least not ones we share, and she only answers in monosyllables";
to which I reply "then she doesn't deserve your time and social energy. Talk to someone else, it shouldn't be this hard.".
Another thing I often hear is "I can't do what worked for you. You can't understand me. You're a woman: that fact alone is enough to ensure you will find someone who likes you."
I find that to be untrue and quite sad. I've never been one of the popular girls, never took particular care of how people perceive me because I don't give a fuck, I just wanna be comfortable. I never wear make up, I'm overweight, I rarely buy brand clothes, I'm unapologetically myself, take it or leave it.
Most guys tend to leave it, which is fine, because I only want to spark interest in the people that have my same vibe anyway. I've been told I'm a 4 or a 5/10.
I'm confident my current relationship happened mainly because of my attitude, even though at first it was for my thicc butt. My guy and I really do vibe at the same frequency. Bless honesty.
Guys have a real hard time understanding the "She's just not into you" part. They still expect us to give them attention whether we like them or not
I still do think it is way easier for women. There were experiments done by women trying online apps, and were shocked how hard it is for men.
@@SwordWieldingDuck women on online apps are basically items in online shopping. We aren't successful on dating apps as women, we are successful as objects. That's why I never used those. I want to be chosen as a person, not as eye candy or based on superficial knowledge about me. It means we have to be friends before I can consider you as a potential partner(and before I can be considered as a potential partner, because you can only be attracted to me if you get to know me). Trust me, most of the aspects of my life suck but my love life is a fucking success.
@@claradoesnothing again, it is easier for women. If i don't have many women irl in my surroundings due to remote work and specific interests (historical fencing), what am i supposed to do, how can i even meet new women?
@@SwordWieldingDuck holy shit, historical fancing is so cool! I lost count of the videos I watched about it! I asked my bf to sign up to a course with me but it was too expensive.
Anyway, my suggestion is to join an activity that requires you to gather with people of any kind at least once a week. Like a workshop, acting lessons, karaoke, free courses, stuff like that. Just once a week. It would also be good for you. Of course I'm saying this but I have no idea HOW rural your area is. I used to live in a rural area where the closest big discount shop was 30 minutes away by car and 60 by bus (only 5 times a day on working days).
Thanks for the perspective shift on what it means if you're rejected. I feel like it takes a lot of pressure off me. I never considered what it might mean to the other person to feel wanted!
Lots of good stuff here, reminds me of The Fearless Man youtube channel, great channel for men and dating/confidence in general.
Modern tech makes dating easier, but makes people flakey or more self conscious. Good advice; be authentic, be your own filter..
ComfyNami ASMR Disclaimer: Only works if you're hot.
When you are authentic, you usually are more confident
Because you’re just being you. And you do that all the time, you’re a pro at that
nice play... each video i watch from you, are a nice learning and natural... not that trash stuff from some others peoples out there
Oo that street vendor analogy is great. You display your "wares" and those interested "inquire".
"the last person I picked up was 17 years ago"
Yeah, so that's where all the advice went out the window because he doesn't know how pointless the whole process has become in that time.
@Meddlecat Those rules (kinda) apply to fucking around, not serious dating. Even fucking around is more than that
i just want to meet new people and this isn't exclusive to online dating, but now i have to resort to talking online/discord. it's been really hard but i appreciate this video
Yeah I’m in the same boat. And on discord too. Maybe we can talk? :3
@@ezaf5989 thats u dawg
@@musabs5848 sure my discord is coehl#0339 and im in the healthy gamer discord too. that's where all my socialization's been lol
solid advice authenticity is everything
Your hair is GORGEOUS