How ATTACHMENT STYLES shape narcissistic relationships
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- čas přidán 12. 09. 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Narcissists want you to attach to them, but they don’t fully attach to you. They lack affective empathy. So they cannot experience true intimacy or a deep connection.
Great point!
100%
Remarkable, every life story can be a miracle or tragedy. Don't let others to put you down and they can do only, if you allow them...
Yes! Spot on.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My covert narc is anxiously attached. What a nightmare of push/pull! I'm expected to be the mother figure and the decision maker and the idea person. Yet when I do I'm resisted by a stubborn, sullen little boy. I feel suffocated yet ignored; overwhelmed yet resented.
Yes! All the power with none of the initiative or work
Nailed it.
Be the person who breaks the cycle. If you were judged, choose understanding. If you were rejected, choose acceptance. If you were shamed, choose compassion. Be the person you needed when you were hurting, not the person who hurt you. Vow to be better than what broke you-to heal instead of becoming bitter so you can act from your heart, not your pain.
Word from the wise
Yes, you right, I don't like feeling bitter, it's not good for my mental health, I will never forgive but I hope one day I don't think about the pain he's caused.
@@hannahhughes4801You will feel bitter until/unless you forgive. So forgive, for your own good, but never forget.
During the love bombing phase they make you feel as if they were the perfect ideal match for you and you feel you will do whatever it takes not to lose them. They do this to feel they have the power and control over you almost making you addicted to them. When they finally discard you, you still feel like they’re still with you rendering it more difficult for you to move on.
I Have a disorganized attachment style because my mother was codependent and shut down and my dad was violent and explosive .. I always attracted narc men until I went through 1) a spiritual awakening and 2) did fje inner work to heal my attachment wounding.. it makes perfect sense. Now that I have a child with a selfish narcissistic man, I am teaching my child how to be confident and we have a stable home. He is very stable and well adjusted because of the work I’ve done and because I moved away from his father. It worked out perfectly! ❤ plus It’s spiritual warfare . I put my trust in God the father and he sent his angels to get me out of there.
Wow perfectly said you are very very knowledgeable and woke ! I love that that you got it girl 💪
Definitely spiritual warfare! Love it❤
After discarding you, after you try to get over them and being ok with the discard, they use a lot of tactics to pull you back into their toxic world.
True!
I discard the malignant narc in my life over and over again; I tell him to leave me alone, I want nothing to do with him any further in my life ( after 9+ years) and yet, each and every time, he gets a new text- app number within 48 hours. Just this week it was less than 24 hours. He's definitely an Avoidant and I'm Anxious but in therapy to change that. It floors me that Mr. Avoidant cannot let me go...comes back ( begging me, in his own way) to stay with him.
Codependent? Or actually a Disorganized attachment wherein he hides the anxious side most of the time. ...? It's mind-boggling.
They do but when you know you don't let them into your life.
The flying monkeys have to go with the garbage too.
Hoovering
So awesome to see attachment styles and narcissism finally be in the same video! I’ve been listening to Dr.Ramani and Thais Gibson on attachment theory for years. I think we should all know our attachment styles. I was raised by a narcissistic mother, have an anxious-avoidant (disorganized) attachment style and healing!
I think my style is anxious. But I gotta say, now that I’m divorced and in 12 step recovery, I think the overall outcome may be that I came out of this 20-year ordeal with a *more* secure attachment style. Viewing it negatively, you could say that I’ve become gun shy of relationships; viewing it positively, you could say that I’ve become more secure in my ability to prioritize my own needs, to say no when I mean no, and to set limits / maintain boundaries. To paraphrase The Who (I am a boomer after all), I won’t get fooled again.
Attachment Styles
00:28 - Anxious Attachment
08:13 - Avoidant Attachment
14:10 - Disorganized Attachment
22:18 - Secure Attachment
❤ thanks!
Thank you for the timestamps ⏲
Very secure attachment in my youth with the parent who was most involved in my life, and the narcissist still got me. I was just left thoroughly confused about the lack of emotional depth, introspection, and sense of self of my partner. For all my security, this person still tried like crazy to kill my confidence, calm, and sense of self, and got thoroughly pissed when I didn't fall prey to the anxiety traps or attempts to attack my self worth. Nonetheless, you can try to communicate openly and honestly all you want, and you'll quickly be sucked into the deadliest merry-go-round ride of your life, and still nothing changes, of course. The change has to be you accepting you can't make it work on your own, this is who they are, and just leaving.
The fake capacity for change got me every time. Then, I saw the real change never happened. Respect, in any form, was never present and never would be.
Same thing with me
I was disorganized from my childhood trauma but I did a lot of therapy and still have a life coach I speak to monthly. If I start feeling those old feelings the red flags go off and I ask for couples counseling. If they refuse, I leave. Then I focus on resettling myself/date myself until I’m happy and comfortable with myself again before I’ll start dating again.
I just feel by getting counseling can lead to more toxicity and make life more miserable then what’s needed spiritually for healing self from having attachment issues .
Good for you! It’s hard work!
Thank you Dr Ramani! You are the best ever! You revolutionized and saved my future. Thank you! Happy New Year 2024!🎉❤🥳
Thank you Dr Ramani, for putting together the pieces of the puzzle that explain why I have continued to get into narcissistic relationships and be so miserable there. I knew there had to be something wrong with me, because it's happened too many times, but learning my attachment style was an "aha" moment.
Thank you for this. My father was abusive and devalued me. My mother was caught between a rock and a hard place but still gave me a good start. My safe place was my resident grandma. I married a narc, left after 22 years and lived well after recovery. A different sort of narc entered my life but by then I had a clear identity and I was too hard to control so he dumped me in less than 6 years. We will soon meet in court where he expects to bankrupt me to feed his greed. I have a good lawyer.
Thank you. I feel as if this was exactly what I needed to learn about myself. As I reflect on my relationships with 2 narcissists 40 to 20 yrs ago, it's evident I had disorganized attachment styles. It's so calming & validating to recognize my deep-rooted lack of trust & self blame. Thanks for the best Christmas gift ever!
While you ignore them, they'll seemingly do anything to regain your attention - sometimes even for years. The *moment* they feel like they've got it back, here comes the cricket sound. "Too bad" how they operate is no longer a mystery.
As a fearful avoidant myself i felt deeply seen, heard and understood by this video. Thank you Dr. Ramani ❤ That's my experience, i lived it for 2 years. When i entered devaluation my every day life became a totall horror, uncertainty, unpredictability, anxiety and straight up panic. My fear of abandonment was triggered almost daily (i vulnerably shared it with him in lovebombing stage) and I felt imprisoned and trapped in a horror scenario and fight-flight response. As you said, i was the one who left, bc i just couldn't bear a second of that torture. I felt re-traumatized DAILY. He created a personal Hell for me.
I'm Avoidant. I have a child (4yo) with a narcissist. He started acting up after I gave birth. Let's just say my attachment style came in handy😂
I just want to tell you Dr. Ramani, that you are one of the most beautiful people in the world! You're here helping millions of people you don't even know, rain or sun, hard Christmas's, Easter's and holidays. Thank you!❤ I hope you've enjoyed a wonderful Christmas with your family!
Avoidant style here, I did leave the ex narc, but it took 11 years. I see how the independence helped me cope with the behaviors by not fearing abandonment and not seeking out emotional needs but also kept me stuck and drained by not meeting emotional needs and practicing healthy relationship behaviors. I can definitely confirm that this style may cope better than others in the short term but the fallout is long term exposure, abuse, and trauma. 😢
Secure attachment style is definitely me, but I got sucked into the narcissistic rabbit hole. I consider myself a good judge of character and never thought I would fall for a “charmer”. During my entire relationship with him, I constantly felt confused and struggled with how I was “supposed” to feel vs how I “actually “ felt. My gut kept telling me this relationship was off, but I ignored it. I kept telling myself that he was just misunderstood and damaged due to his childhood. Wow, knowing what I know now about narcissism and narcissistic abuse, I would have bailed out of the relationship within the first month of meeting him! After 5 years of enduring his abuse, I filed for divorce and am moving on with my life. I got myself back again and couldn’t be happier!!!
Very clear and helpful. Comes in timely. Thank you for putting out these important contents. 🙏 Also I’m so glad secure attachment style is included for us to see what healthy looks like 👍
“All men dream: but not equally, Those who dream by night in the dusty
recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the
dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with
open eyes, to make it possible.”
*- T. E. Lawrence,* Seven Pillars of Wisdom*
Appreciate all your insightful posts and publications. The timing of your posts, particularly the point made here at 28:06 on Christmas Eve, remain a pillar of my healing journey. Best!
I was definitely the anxiously attachment style...( He was the vulberable narcissist.) He knew it, played it and made my life hell!
I am so eternally grateful for you and the work that you do. I believe you are a superhero here to help heal humanity, should it have the courage to move forward. Thank you for having the courage to be a wayshower, I know you have saved my life and mental health
Merry Christmas Dr. Ramani.
Wow, Dr. Ramani. Wow. A long-time follower here, with a fascination concerning both attachment styles and narcissism. You condensed so much-and so well-brilliantly outlining and integrating the varying terms and theories on attachment styles and then describing how they are affected in these relationships. WOW.
I can tell myself there is no self while trying to embrace Buddhism all-day long. Until my own buttons get pushed. And then I just stopped trying to define all that stuff. Like self. The bottom line for me is yeah: attachment styles are extremely important when it comes to dealing with narcissistic relationships. The two-way street aspect of relating should always be foremost. And for me understanding boundaries, without getting caught in "wow, we're all one now aren't we," stuff is vitally important. There's a need for oneness -- everybody has that need. The atomized society, impersonal, and suffering from chronic loneliness: it's no wonder people end up not knowing what to do or lacking the tools to create their health. We all help each other for better or for worse, and we live and learn. LIVE and LET live, comes to mind. Process is more important than perfection, when you think it through. Right? 🎉 Thank you, Dr Ramani, for your professional and most clear discourse on anxious attachment styles.
I was abused and abandoned, physically and mentally as a child. Except for my animal friends, wild and domestic, I don’t think I even know what attachment is. People are scarey. My animal friends agree. Notice how all the wild citizens run for their lives whenever they see a human? Can they all be wrong?
Our dear Dr. Ramani is out here helping people to heal.
The more I understand and pratice what I learn, the better I feel.
Thank you for these. I'm learning there's a difference between being secure in oneself, having a secure attachment style, and having a secure relationship. Each is a different realm and they overlap help or hinder the other realms.
I'm also learning that you can have a secure attachment style and have deep wounds that still need worked on in a relationship. It's way more complex and nuanced than most folks discuss, even on most planforms dedicated to attachment theory. It would be great to talk in more detail about the ways that each style can be affected by the dynamics of narcissistic relationships. And how someone can move from one still to a better way of functioning inside a difficult relationship.
I don't know if this is helpful... but I survived by tapping back into hobbies I loved from my youth and realized they are my talents. Painting and writing music. I love it still and of course it's gotten better since we escaped all that... I'm not even in a completely stable situation but it's soooo much better than it was. I strive to fill my own cup and my own worth with my own talents which helps me feel accomplished. He did try to ruin it but I got stubborn
Now that the Christmas card is a thing of the past and Christmas trees with decorations are made of plastic, it is important to preserve a modern version of the tradition.
We wish you and your family a Merry Christmas and may the coming year be one of peace for mankind. 🇩🇰🎄
Thank you very much Dr Ramani for your good work to help the people all over the world who are suffering from the abusive behaviour of the Narcissistic folks .I praise the God who had given all these Intelligence and wisdom to you , so you are able to help His folk ❤
I was trained to be anxiously attached to and codependent on others. At least those people called 'parents' tried very hard. For example my 'father' liked to leave me alone in the playground and disappear for hours and I did not know my way home. I tried to find way home from that playground. Then he found me, collected me into his car an asked me in the car how did I feel alone and how would I feel if he never came back for me or found me? I was not scared I just started to mistrust him even more. Then when I was around 18 he often asked what would I do if he just died, reminded me how I would get lost without him and how he has to do everything for me. Well, no he always insisted because he would do it better. Just some example of helicopter parenting and intrusions into child's life: after 18 it got worse. But that's another story. The explanation of anxious attachment in the video is very accurate. What I can add is that the child may also develop cols and trying to detach and being later accused by the intrusive parent of being 'so cold' and ungrateful. Just a short piece of those memories seems like a really absurd theater I had to be in ... I hope I will never see them again.
Yep! I’m autistic so I’m all in or all out PLUS raised by Narc parents, men want a woman who is all in.
Are eras named anymore? I’d like to name our current era “The Age of Narcissism”. If someone hasn’t been born a narcissist, they sure have become that way. I’ve taken maybe 6 selfies, ever. People are posting them daily, what they’ve eaten, what they’ve bought at the store, etc. Boring narcissists, but narcissistic nevertheless.
My narcissistic parent told me not to get a credit card and never buy anything if I couldn’t but it flat out. I never built my credit. We need credit to afford basics. He feared my independence and autonomy because he needed me to remain under his control, caregiving.
I had disorganized attachment and still struggle with it sometimes but it definitely gotten better with being with someone with a secure attachment style. No more toxic relationship (beside over 1 year being stuck in distant relationship with a narc, lol) and it got me so much healing, i am so grateful.
So, Dr. Ramani, i was wondering, you were talking about recommending attachment style tests? I am curious where i am at now.
Thank you as always.
I love how Dr Ramani phrased it as a charismatic vortex, better known as going down a narcissistic rabbit hole. lol
Wow, thanks Dr R... I now know my attachment style.. the last you listed, and now I know why I've been talking and explaining my feelings and relationship expectations, a Rock... better educated and still learning....
I've been extremely disorganized in my attachment style and the description of terror and kaos in involvement with the narc is so accurate. I'm evolving though.
Trauma and abandonment/parental neglect is indelibly linked to mindset, trust issues, how we treat others or allow.
Anxiously attached here with an ex DA narc: it is the cruelest, coldest, meanest, most heartbreaking thing you could ever go through
I want the Narc to unattached from me and my son. Abuse of any from is not okay. I stay prayed up. Because I can not fight this/these devil and demons on my own. Being isolated from family and friends has become normal. I try avoiding relationships with others I no that are normal for their protection. Avoiding and retreating.
Before my healing from narcissistic abuse my whole life I was anxious attachment style.
Now that I've done the hard work on healing, I became a secure attachment style. Pretty cool huh? 😊
09:20. I think the style that works best with narcissists is the dependent attachment style. Looking back at my family, looking past all child roles and everything you read about narcissistic families, my father wanted to control people and my mother was looking for someone to make life-decisions for her, the perfect match. Young children also fit into this nicely until they grow their own personality.
this video shine alot of lights.
thank god. i can have good sleep from today onwards.
mind food really changes Life. what u eat is what u are.
in words u eat ; u took in.
remember to detox and excrete out your mind system .
dont let toxic consume your vessel ur cup.
the room u have is limited and u wan to let the useleess fk off and pour in priorities values to you.
or u end up wasting ur time ur life . because in de end everything are meaningless
Very interesting, I come out a third anxious a third secure a third avoidant which is the exact 3 styles of 3 caregivers I had from 2-7 years old. Being around narcissistic people vulnerable coverts with their anxiety and avoidance shutdowns of the coverts brings out all my negative traits. Around decent calm together individuals I feel very much more myself and the secure part of me feels at home. The dysregulated narcissist will drag you down with them in my experience and want you to traits hank them for it!
Thank You for all fantastic videos, Dr. Ramani. Happy Christmas and a lovely new year.
Any relationship with a narcissist is NO joke!!!! Man, what a cluster F. Love how you described secure with a narcissist. It was as if you were there 🫤 I got out but had to leave his child who he by surrogacy on his own. God love that child, of course he won’t me see him, F aresehole.
Dr Ramani,
Which tests do you recommend? I find they vary.
Holidays with family toxic coping with BPD the worse
Interesting. I did not know that a secure attachment style would be in a relationship with a narcissist.
Before my healing I was insecure attachment style. Codependent and people pleasing. Yeah I got burnt bad by narcissist.
Now I am a secure attachment style. I can detect a narcissist a mile away.
Why do you "need" to have a relationship? Stay in your own lane, mind your own business. You have your own interests and goals to achieve. You are not obligated or bound to be with a person just because they show interest in you. There is NO overthinking yourself here. No one else in their right mind would do that. Would they? 🤔
Can I have experience all of the style at different times of my Life? Or with my kids? I see myself in all of them Dr R.
i was 10 and a half minutes into this video before i realized you were wearing a necklace lol. the video rendering. it blends into your skin tone about half way and kind of disappears.
im going to rewatch this later. merry Christmas :)
I scale as “secure” however since this narc relationship I have questioned if I am really fearful avoidant. Hopefully it’s just the result of the relationship betrayal that needs to heal.
This is explains so much.
I have a "secure" attachment style, but- yet deal with siblings who are different. I do fine on my own, but crave healthy sibling/family relationships. The family dynamics are tricky., confusing. I tend to move away from dysfunction. I spend holidays alone.
Awesome video. Thank you so much Dr Ramani.
Another 4 reasons why people need to be tested before reproducing and raising kids.
Hopefully a joke. Because if you really want a nation of neurotics who can't attach, impose arbitrary eugenics measures like this. It would go over like Prohibition, and be an even more heinous intrusion by the State. ^
Thank you, Dr. Ramani! ❤
Dr. Ramani, I love your videos. You are helping me to validate my feelings and situation very well. Thank you so much. I have a question. Could you explain to us the difference between
Passive-Aggressive vs Sarcasm:
Thank you.
Happy birthday doc🎉❤
Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Hello, do any of you know if the "Navigating Narcissism" is still being podcasted?
Narcissists usually seem to have disorganized or fearful avoidant attachments ? Isn’t Narcissism in and of itself an attachment- trauma related disorder ?
Secure attachment, deep lover, healer, empathic ... But every time i first phase they taken granted and relationship breaks or become enemy ...
Every time attachment with victim enabler and they become sheild .... They are more tuff to control ..
But yah suddenly over anxiety, frastration, knowing but also loosing, lots of justification are part of my life ... Too late ..
As a born genius and thinker i had to think too much of every small unusual problem also a rare decease which is painfull ...
Now i fear to enter in a relationship and because of narcissistic feminist law its tuff also for casual relationship where i am not using anyone ....
Also after 50 i will be full handicapped probably ...
Those busturd always create problems when i need to recover ...
Then a bad treatment done by a doctor narcissist because i am unknowingly protecting my crush ....
And funny things is ... When you become burst they call you mentally ill ....
❤❤❤
At 13:40 mark in this video, did you say what I believe you said? Lol Im not against it. I'm with you on this because my relative had a fatal attraction due to just being honest. 😮
It is so difficult to know whether all this stuff is attachment styles and / high levels of narcissism within ourselves and others. 😢
What about a couple where both exihibit avoidant attachment styles?
I swear I have the most narcissistic mother in this whole world.
Do you know that person who constantly disses you and draws your attention to the most insignificant things of the present and most of all, of the past?!
She says: "I'll tell the priest you have been sleeping with that guy for so many times! You have embarrassed yourself when you appeared on TV", etc, etc.
She has such malice that I think even Putin is better than her. The way she throws my mistakes in my face... As if she was Virgin Mary... It's very, very painful and indescribable! 😢😢😢😢😢
I swear, I just want to have my own house in 2024 and never ever see her again.
Never ever have I met such a malicious person!
I started even feeling good when somebody tells her something she disapproves with.
She is a whole witch.
I feel like she is not the person who gave me birth. 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢
I never apologise to this woman, because every time I reconciled with her, she behaved worse and worse
Dear Dr Ramani, I display the characteristics of all 3 attachment styles, anxious, dismissive and secure. Is it possible to have them all to different degrees? Or do we transition from one style to another? How and when? I would love to determine my style but finding it difficult and confusing. Thank you.
I’ve taken the test to determine my attachment style and my results were that I fall into all four attachment styles and quite equally so. I’ve just ended a narcissistic relationship about two months ago. Could my results come from being in that relationship?
I am not able to find the link to attachment style test you mentioned. If anyone knows please reply with the link. Thank you
Can a secure attachment. Due to narcissistic relationship become a fearful avoidant or any other negative attachment style
Did anyone get the attachment style websites she promised?
Thais Gibson is incredible at attachment theory with a good test. You can look her up on here?
❤❤❤👍
Good riddance to bad rubbish. Never again
Hey 👋🏻
Hey 👋 , good to see you !
@@Greenawareness188 hey where have you been
Hey 👋
@daykibaran9668 I am sorry . I have 3 narcissists that are trying to hoover me back in . How are you ?
@@youngblood8540 Hey 👋 , How are things going ?
Man I knew my ex was a narcissist the 1day I met him cuz I was already watching videos like this he had all the red flags I stayed with him for 2 more yrs they not even scary most of yah just weak and soft I stayed cuz of the sex he tried to kill me with a hammer he fell I walked up to him laughed and went upstairs guys remember NARCISSIST WANNA DESTROY YOU CUZ SOMEONE HAS ALREADY DESTROYED THEM there nothing but envious souls they mad jelly😂
Wtf XD
@@Nerine98 what ? (:
🎅🎄
32nd, 24 December 2023
Pp up
Too wordy,
Hi Ramani,
My social media commenting is kind of useless
and that is my problem and not anyone else's
problem. The CZcams algorithm has taught
me some interesting and valuable things about
myself that are helpful to know. It's helpful to
know about your identity. You have taught me
about my identity. You are on my side so I
don't mind if you spy on me. I'm a sigma
INFJ and a Heyoka empath according to the
CZcams algorithm. The CZcams algorithm
also tells me that I'm a chosen one. Some
of the sex workers have told me that I'm a
chosen one. I don't think that I'm a narcissist.
I'm autistic. I probably have a narcissistic
neurosis to my personality. The Sigma
INFJ personality type is the rarest subtype
of the rarest MBTI type. My narcissistic
mother is insisting that I'm a narcissist
which is just more abuse from her b/itchy
mouth. Ramani, I don't think I'm a narcissist
but I have some narcissism in me.
Autism is not narcissism however it seems
to me that autism is close to narcissism.
S/hits are close to farts but farts aren't
s/hit. Ramani, if you want to have a 17
hour debate with me about the radical
and fundamental difference between farts
and s/hits I will be happy to debate you.
Thank you for reading.
An autist doesn't catch social clues very well and has a pretty hard time to connect. Obsessive topics of interest, tendencies to be overstimulated and low routine adaptability can be noticed. Might like to be alone.
Narcissists care only about themselves, their image, and use others to boost their own ego. Hate their own company.
Must be funny to be both.
Ramani Davorsula. D.C,, do you. see. the. title,?? Happy. New year,!!
Be the person who breaks the cycle. If you were judged, choose understanding. If you were rejected, choose acceptance. If you were shamed, choose compassion. Be the person you needed when you were hurting, not the person who hurt you. Vow to be better than what broke you-to heal instead of becoming bitter so you can act from your heart, not your pain.
❤❤❤