Many people confuse people who are not that into you with dismissive avoidants. A DA shows up beautifully in the beginning. They are extremely consistent, they reach out multiple times daily, regularly plan quality time to be with you and integrate you into their lives. That is when they are in pursuit mode and before they deactivate. If someone is avoiding your texts, delaying a response and not reaching out and not consistently planning time to see you in the first few months, they just aren’t that into you. My ex DA saw me on a regular basis, was extremely attentive, was excellent with communication and said that he loved me and wanted to marry me- until he deactivated and shut down. The difference between a DA who wants a future with you and one who is the deactivating is night and day.
I agree. I mentioned something similar on another channel a few months ago. The thing that sucks for DA's is that it seems they're not allowed to break up or become uninterested in someone without getting hate. I have dated avoidants and have avoidant friends and I have always leaned somewhat avoidant myself and while I've grown to become more secure over the years, a couple of my exes would be destroying me on these threads if attachment theory was known back then. I stayed and made it work as long as I could, but eventually if things got too tumultuous, I'd be done for good. Because of this I was called evil and selfish when I just wanted a calm life without them. Another observation I've made is that if someone is casually going on dates with an avoidant and the avoidant is not interested in moving things forward, they are "awful people". The early dating stages are to figure out if someone is a match and avoidants, just like anyone else, are allowed to say no thank you. Hurt people call it a discard, but is it really? I kind of went off on a little tangent lol, but I understand what you're saying because I been there...on both sides. ❤
Just not into or they are ADHD and or ASD. An ADHD person can be totally into you and just not respond to text in timely manner and they may not reach our consistently. They want to do these things but just can't. Then you can apply an attachment style on top of this too.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakesthat’s a very good point you put here. I am AP myself, and recently dated someone who I believe was a DA. I see so much of DA’s traits in how things were conducted between the 2 of us, and I only knew of Attachment Theory after the breakup. That I think is how I know I haven’t been judgmental towards my DA ex when I replay our relationship. When I learned of attachment theory, it was like “wow, I knew I wasn’t crazy, everything I felt actually has a name”. Also, I recognize my share of responsibility in the breakup, and wish I could have dealt better with my insecurities and learned how to communicate my needs better. 🤷🏽♀️
@@zaradgeno it wouldn't have made much difference with the outcome of the relationship with a DA. It's easier to fix our anxious traits and improve ourselves towards a secure style than fixing a da. Das are masters at making others feel guilty. Being an anxious myself, initially I thought it was my fault, but understanding the theory made me feel less guilty.
There is a reason it is difficult for avoidants to fall in love. It's not possible to really fall in love while we're too busy protecting ourselves. Like turns into love through vulnerability - we start to deeply love people when we feel seen and heard by them - we feel able to show and be open about our true selves (at our best and worst). For avoidants this can involve admitting to our shame-filled avoidant desires, needs and pasts, and in doing so discovering they do not need to be a source for shame after all. Until we're willing to be vulnerable like this, we cannot truly love. When we instead become protective we ultimately become resentful because we don't feel seen, while simultaneously resenting attempts to see us we don't feel ready for, and partnerships become stale. Until we can rid ourselves of the shackles of shame to feel safe truly opening ourselves to another, the closest many avoidants get to feeling love is feelings of yearning or limerence that come from distance (emotional or physical) in a relationship - distance that often actually works against the long-term stability of that relationship.
❤ There's help in Thias Program, How to Heal from a Breakup, it's the Grief Tip..........Look into the Website, she offers a 7 Day Trial Period, try her on for Relief!!!!!!!!❤
subconsciously avoidants are also looking for people with whom they can be very confident they are safe from abandonment. They may learn to get their needs met through non-demanding partners who fail to require real reciprocation, intimacy, conflict resolution and positive reinforcement, pursue indefinitely if they withdraw (the obsessive types who call multiple times a day), and give without being asked. Accepting attention without providing emotional security- a classic and often long-standing pairing of the anxious-avoidant relationship. Why is he breaking up with you every 3 weeks? You may feel like this is “true love” but love is free and unconditional. Relationships are not. They require open communication, a healthy give and take, reciprocity, trust, etc. “love” isn’t enough, you need many other ingredients
@@JK-di8nt consistently inconsistent. Consistency is a love language it separates the opportunists from the committed. YOU have to decide what works for you in terms of the frequency of communication.
@SK-no2pp thank you. So true and good advice! I also think that some of thr signs of them not being interested is an avoidant who isn't aware of doesn't want to change.
Whew! 😅 It only took me a little over 4 years of breadcrumbing to finally bail on my DA. This time feels different. The resentment just reached a boiling over point and my undying love just did a 180. At least for now. It helped that I met someone who seems to be genuinely interested in me and wants to spend time with me. Hard to pass that up once you start to become more secure. Even if this new thing isn’t a long term thing, it’s hell of a lot better than trying to squeeze blood from a stone. Move on if you can. Don’t do what I did and waste 4 years of your life. Although I will say, this relationship made me understand all of this and helped me get (more) secure. So, I guess not a total loss at all …
I'd say this is pretty accurate. Most DAs have a slow time table when it comes to being able to fully let their guard down. I also don't think it's all about their childhood either. It just as easily could be their experience with peers. I remember I'm grade school my peers didn't want me to play sports. Because I wasn't popular, they just assumed I was terrible at them. They even tried to get other students to stop me from signing up for the team. However, I signed up anyway and because I was big for my age they actually put me on the Jr high team. A similar thing happened in high school. They tried to bully me out of being on the team, but I became the second fastest and third strongest. I made varsity my freshman year. My third example is the martial arts. People told me I was no good until I won regional and international championships in Kung Fu, Kickboxing, and Jujitsu (I'm actually tackling Judo now). This attitude persisted from my peers until I opened my martial art school, of which I became the number one martial art school in my town in 2023. I bring all of this up because it's likely DAs have had to fight so hard all their lives that they have a hard time trusting people, which is understandable. However, if they stop carrying what others think of them, they can unleash a power within themselves far beyond the people judging them.
Sounds like they wanted to exclude you because they were threatened by you. You were too good so telling you you're no good is way to make themselves feel better if it discourages you from joining a team.
@@chrismaxwell1624 yeah, that's exactly what it was. When I opened my school, I actually had a local MMA fighter I used to train with become hostile once I became popular. He saw me on local television and hosting self defense seminars for large corporations (for tons of money mind you) and basically threatened me to close my school. However, once he saw I was ready for smoke he backed off and even changes direction when he sees me coming even now (seven years later). When you have to fight through those kinds of things on your own, you're definitely going to trust people less.
I’m a fearful-avoidant raised by dismissive-avoidants, so I’m watching the DA videos to better understand the “nurture” affecting my “nature”/avoidant aspect of my FA to better heal it. I’m coming to realize that my FA is internal, but probably looks more like a “DA” with a LOT more suspicion and the “F” comes out in terms of fawning and neglecting my needs to “go along to get along” or really intense yearning from being pretty badly love-starved with only this echo of “want! Want person! No want is Bad!” but not even knowing /what/ my needs/wants are beyond “I need to understand someone and their needs to get along to not be hurt or I’ll flee if I can or fawn if I can’t.”
So true! Wise. Like the 'communicating needs very directly part' changes everything and you'll actually notice that when the DA has a need they'll communicate directly. Direct communication of our own needs is very scary for us anxious types but the DA would really benefit from it. Anxious types can destroy our own relationships more often then we realise
It depends on how deep into your avoidance you are. Many are reserved and yes, even stoic. Nothing wrong with keeping your emotions under control. That's actually a skill many lack.
Communication and the manner in which it is delivered is absolutely the most fundamental and important thing in any relationship. If there is no communication, there is no relationship. Couples who have poor communication have poor relationships. Temperament is the next most important quality that must be compatible between both partners
Thanks for the video, Thais. The first 6-8 months has been very tough. We started with a situationship. I had experienced lots of resentment. Your video has been very helpful. It serves as my foundation of my first romantic relationship. I've learned to acknowledge individual attachment style. I've learned to express my needs in a polite way and my DA partner has been very consistent ever since - daily check-in, text, gift-giving, etc. I let him initiate it first.
Wow! Great video. This has changed my view on DAs... I, myself, have said "I enjoy spending time with you." I've tried giving space and this helps me understand myself and others.
This is good advice re: DAs that you're actually dating/in a romantic relationship with, but what about DAs that you just know in your life in general? It would be interesting to hear what the signs are that a DA who is *not* dating you likes you, such as the scenarios mentioned at the start of the video (e.g. a DA co-worker, friend, etc.) Would be great to hear about that re: other attachment styles, too!
Mine still hangs out with me every 2 weeks or so, but has definite become more sociable whenever i let her know im dating someone else. Its funny actually, because I'd be all hers if she wanted it, but she doesn't...at least not on the surface. 😅 Shes a great person though, so im glad we never dropped the friendship even though dating didnt work out
@Tmlatyoutube no worries there, im extremely happy in my relationship with my current girlfriend. She's just a friend now. I look back at me a year ago and think, omg I was pathetic over her, I grew quite a bit myself. I'm glad we're still cool 😎 but yeah, she's incapable of truly loving someone so....
One thing frustrating with texting my DA is that they would reply at the end of the day, but they would literally be texting other friends and their phone vibrating from notifications constantly, makes me feel ignored as an AP Like ok maybe you are feeling overwhelmed with conversation juggling, but damn so low on the priority list 😅
A DA who is seriously interested in you is still capable of showing up beautifully in the beginning of the relationship before you get too close and they deactivate. In the beginning, they still initiate, responding in a timely way to your texts and planning quality time with you. It’s usually around the six-month point when deeper feelings begin to develop that they pull away and withdrawal. DA’s are quite consistent before they deactivate. I could have set my clock to my ex DA’s good morning text, check in text throughout the day and also at the end of the night, and he’s severely DA. Be careful not to mistake someone who is not invested in the relationship with an avoidant.
@@sshuteandrew agreed. My DA "friend" responds literally in seconds. He has for years. If they make you wait, that's not the best sign unless they are literally slammed and can't get to their phone.
@@sshuteandrew this is really true. I liked a guy who’s a DA & for the first couple of months things were going so well. We hung out 2 to 3 times a week. He introduced me to his mom, I used to go over his house all of the time & meet him at restaurants but then he started to pull away. I was an AP so my tendencies pushed him away. It was definitely a push & pull dynamic. Anyway I am currently in therapy & I’ve gotten so distant from him to point that he’s now chasing me. I don’t expect anything from him & I don’t get as close to him anymore. I am not clingy like I used to be & I know he feels that. He’s the one that reaches out to me first now. The biggest thing I’m doing is setting boundaries & taking care of myself. If he doesn’t reply to messages in a timely manner, I literally go take care of my responsibilities. I no longer panic when I don’t hear from him. It’s so…liberating.
While I find these videos super helpful, I always come away at the end feeling frustrated like I'm the one who always has to do all of the emotional labor when it comes to a friendship with someone of this attachment style. This is a rhetorical question obviously... but why do I always have to be the one reading between their lines and assuming the best of them when they just show up when they feel like it and that's supposed to be enough because that's just how they're wired? (Generalizing here but just let me vent lol) Bearing the burden of the emotional insight for both people in the friendship/relationship can be exhausting, but it is the reality for a lot of us 😢
@@aigo000t you are correct, and I am always working on me...but these kinds of people would just be writing folks off left and right if not for the other attachment styles like me putting the work in. Searching CZcams videos on how to have a healthy relationship with them
@@courtneylong3358 to answer your last reply to the other commenter, we're all just doing our best out here and if we have advice to offer or truth bombs, we share. I think their point is that if you voluntarily keep putting in all the work, you're essentially enabling behavior in someone you want to change. If doing these things makes you unhappy, you are under no obligation to do them. All insecure attachments have to be left to self-reflect and heal on their own. Vent away. It's only natural. My friend in the comments has sound words of wisdom though..
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes I don't disagree. It's tough out here either way for someone craving connection more than most people do, it's a painful existence wanting a deeper relationship with people you have a connection with...and they put far far less effort into what COULD be an amazing friendship
Well mine love bombed me then deactivated I reached out but wish I didn’t because she was so cold it’s now been 7 months since we have spoken and thanks giving/Christmas is approaching she’s not getting no texts from me this time.
Help - I’m so confused. Gonna try to condense everything. I think ex is a DA, didn’t know at that time & didn’t know about attachment styles. together just over a yr. Hindsight, I can see he would try to tell me what he needed & how having me over at his place & spending 4 nights out of the wk was a big deal for him. My biggest issue is his female “friend” that he has known for 25-30 yrs. When we 1st met she was there in the distance & giving me dirty looks, like why was I talking to her man. He has always claimed they’re just friends but he will never talk to me or reply to me when she is around or have us in same place w/him. 1 time I was at his place when she was there, I know she was mad I was there so she just left w/out saying a word then gave a BS excuse why she left. Then I found out he would have her spend the night on weekends, we got into a huge fight about it & stopped talking for 4 days, when we started talking again he said he would not have her spend night anymore which lasted for a little while but then eventually she was back & I caught him lying about it either directly or by omission. He also has her completely enmeshed in his life. He claims cuz he was single for so long & she was helping him when he had an accident. While we were together he had another accident & tore his rotator cuff, needed surgery, shortly after that happened I started receiving texts from an unknown #, I figured out it was her, she also put an AirTag on his vehicle. He either knows it was her & has lied to me or doesn’t want to believe it & just wants to be ignorant to the fact. Anyway, he had surgery, she was staying there, he didn’t see me for a month but we were talking on & off cuz we would get into arguments about her being there & him not seeing me. Finally we did see each other & he told me she was not there anymore & she was not going to be there, that weekend I figured out she was there again spending the night, again I was pissed & I told him I was done & compared him to my ex for lying & cheating. We didn’t talk for a wk or 2, then he called me not sober, he was wanting to have sex, I told him I wanted to be in a relationship cuz he would always say we are in between seeing each other & a relationship. (Basically a situationship). His reply to me was he would think about it. I agreed to give him some time because for 1st time he told me he loved me. We went back to texting & calling everyday but during this time he would say remarks about having sex & I would say only if we are in a relationship which he didn’t like. I also noticed he would say things like he didn’t want me to come over to his place anymore that he only wanted to come to mine. Last wk, he calls me, I’m sick, said he was gonna come over but I’m sick. I said sure u were not believing him but he insisted he was. We had another FaceTime that night & another call. After we hung up about an hr later I said good night since I wasn’t feeling well, he replied. Next day he said good morning, it was a physical therapy day for him which he would normally call me on his way but this day he didn’t. I waited til almost 7pm sent a text which he answered within the min, then I asked what r u doing, within same min & got no reply. He didn’t reply for an hour & I know he gave me a BS answer. About an 1 1/2 later I texted that I noticed our communication had been inconsistent & asked him what changed. I got no reply. The next day no communication from either side. I waited to next afternoon & asked if we were back to not talking, he called me pretty quickly acting like nothing was wrong we talked for a little bit, then he called me back on his way to therapy & on way home. This was a Friday, said he was gonna call me or text me later. He didn’t. Saturday I texted good morning, he didn’t text me back for 3 hrs. I knew by this point she was there. A couple hrs later I texted was going out, he asked if I was going by myself I said no, he said ok which is not his normal response. Normally he would ask who I was going with so I asked him why he wasn’t asking. Got no response. I then said guess u don’t care & u have ur own thing going on. He then replied he thought I would just tell him. & that he does care. I asked what he was doing, again no reply, had to ask again finally got another answer that I know was not exactly true. 3 1/2 hrs later I asked him who was by his house, no reply, another 2 hrs later I asked if he was still up, couple hours later tried calling. (I know might seem excessive but if he was texting or calling me & I didn’t reply he would be saying something to me about it). Next day I waited til 4pm to see if he would reply then I texted him that it had been 4 wks & I needed to know what he wanted to happen btwn us. Either we can be friends, be in a relationship or have nothing to do w/each other. He knows my feelings, & whatever he chooses is fine cuz those are his feelings & what he wants but i can’t keep living in limbo & it isn’t fair to string me along if he has no intention of being in a relationship w/me, I’m not a priority or if he can’t live w/out her. I also told him I would not be mad, no matter what he decides. Still no reply. I have no idea why he is not answering, we didn’t get in a fight, I don’t think I said anything bad to him. I’m so confused as to what to do, how to feel or what to think.
Okay, from a woman who has dated avoidant men out of preference please listen up. Join Thais's personal development school...at least the free trial...and get yourself to a secure place. What he's doing is not okay and the fact that you are sitting here waiting on HIM to be in charge of the decision to make you his girlfriend makes me sad. That's your choice too and you've given up all of your power to this man. It's one thing if this was typical avoidant behavior and he is just acting this way out of fear, but he is lying and letting another woman sleepover. That's not even close to okay or forgivable. He does not value you and what you have. Please take the focus off of him and start loving yourself more.
Arghhh swear - we are back in the friend zone but he wants me show up like I’m his partner - he constantly puts me down and wants to move in together - he’s aware his a DA. It’s been 2months since we were intermit and basically makes vomiting faces when sees me naked etc so hurtful, constantly putting me down trying to detach from me. Exhausting
@@jKDC1987 what you permit you promote. Do you want to be with someone who is putting you down? Makes a vomiting face when you’re not wearing clothes? Why are you trying with someone who is barely making an effort? You have to look inwards and see what it is about YOU that is attracted to this dynamic
@@SK-no2pp I’m doing the work - I understand my attachment - unfortunately he has nowhere to go atm so I’m trapped and won’t leave him with nowhere to go. We are just “friends”. I know my worth and I know and understand his actions and why he does it. He’s trying to protect himself from love. He’s a good person, and you’re right, I’m very secure and will have the open honest conversations with him, I’m the one who made him aware he’s a DA, I tell him when he’s being disrespectful and why he’s acting that way and he always nods or says things like “I know, it’s my issue and has nothing to do with you or how you look, it’s just me” . I love him very much and it isn’t always as simple as you suggest above. Human connections are never simple. Thanks for the comment though.
Oh no hunny!!! Please ditch this dude asap. What he's doing is not okay. He's an adult. Let him figure out his living situation on his own. Take your power back. ❤
This is situationship. He's not interested in you but keeps you around for some reason. I can't say why. A lot men do this while waiting for someone they are interested in.
Many people confuse people who are not that into you with dismissive avoidants. A DA shows up beautifully in the beginning. They are extremely consistent, they reach out multiple times daily, regularly plan quality time to be with you and integrate you into their lives. That is when they are in pursuit mode and before they deactivate. If someone is avoiding your texts, delaying a response and not reaching out and not consistently planning time to see you in the first few months, they just aren’t that into you. My ex DA saw me on a regular basis, was extremely attentive, was excellent with communication and said that he loved me and wanted to marry me- until he deactivated and shut down. The difference between a DA who wants a future with you and one who is the deactivating is night and day.
I agree. I mentioned something similar on another channel a few months ago. The thing that sucks for DA's is that it seems they're not allowed to break up or become uninterested in someone without getting hate. I have dated avoidants and have avoidant friends and I have always leaned somewhat avoidant myself and while I've grown to become more secure over the years, a couple of my exes would be destroying me on these threads if attachment theory was known back then. I stayed and made it work as long as I could, but eventually if things got too tumultuous, I'd be done for good. Because of this I was called evil and selfish when I just wanted a calm life without them.
Another observation I've made is that if someone is casually going on dates with an avoidant and the avoidant is not interested in moving things forward, they are "awful people". The early dating stages are to figure out if someone is a match and avoidants, just like anyone else, are allowed to say no thank you. Hurt people call it a discard, but is it really?
I kind of went off on a little tangent lol, but I understand what you're saying because I been there...on both sides. ❤
Just not into or they are ADHD and or ASD. An ADHD person can be totally into you and just not respond to text in timely manner and they may not reach our consistently. They want to do these things but just can't. Then you can apply an attachment style on top of this too.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakesthat’s a very good point you put here. I am AP myself, and recently dated someone who I believe was a DA. I see so much of DA’s traits in how things were conducted between the 2 of us, and I only knew of Attachment Theory after the breakup.
That I think is how I know I haven’t been judgmental towards my DA ex when I replay our relationship. When I learned of attachment theory, it was like “wow, I knew I wasn’t crazy, everything I felt actually has a name”.
Also, I recognize my share of responsibility in the breakup, and wish I could have dealt better with my insecurities and learned how to communicate my needs better. 🤷🏽♀️
@@zaradgeno it wouldn't have made much difference with the outcome of the relationship with a DA. It's easier to fix our anxious traits and improve ourselves towards a secure style than fixing a da. Das are masters at making others feel guilty. Being an anxious myself, initially I thought it was my fault, but understanding the theory made me feel less guilty.
There is a reason it is difficult for avoidants to fall in love. It's not possible to really fall in love while we're too busy protecting ourselves. Like turns into love through vulnerability - we start to deeply love people when we feel seen and heard by them - we feel able to show and be open about our true selves (at our best and worst). For avoidants this can involve admitting to our shame-filled avoidant desires, needs and pasts, and in doing so discovering they do not need to be a source for shame after all. Until we're willing to be vulnerable like this, we cannot truly love. When we instead become protective we ultimately become resentful because we don't feel seen, while simultaneously resenting attempts to see us we don't feel ready for, and partnerships become stale. Until we can rid ourselves of the shackles of shame to feel safe truly opening ourselves to another, the closest many avoidants get to feeling love is feelings of yearning or limerence that come from distance (emotional or physical) in a relationship - distance that often actually works against the long-term stability of that relationship.
Yes, you cannot fall in love while wearing a mask and hiding behind 12 foot walls.
Wow WELL SAID!
❤ There's help in Thias Program, How to Heal from a Breakup, it's the Grief Tip..........Look into the Website, she offers a 7 Day Trial Period, try her on for Relief!!!!!!!!❤
Can you talk to the man I love? Thank you for being brave and vulnerable in your post. 🤗 I hope you feel the work you've done has been well worth it!
@@SK-no2pp How do we make you feel seen n heard, what does that look like? Just curious?
Consistent in that it takes them 1-3 business days to return a text
subconsciously avoidants are also looking for people with whom they can be very confident they are safe from abandonment. They may learn to get their needs met through non-demanding partners who fail to require real reciprocation, intimacy, conflict resolution and positive reinforcement, pursue indefinitely if they withdraw (the obsessive types who call multiple times a day), and give without being asked. Accepting attention without providing emotional security- a classic and often long-standing pairing of the anxious-avoidant relationship.
Why is he breaking up with you every 3 weeks?
You may feel like this is “true love” but love is free and unconditional. Relationships are not. They require open communication, a healthy give and take, reciprocity, trust, etc. “love” isn’t enough, you need many other ingredients
Yes this part confuses me, as yes consistent but also withdraws and goes Mia, so what's the balance in that on the consistency?
@@JK-di8nt consistently inconsistent. Consistency is a love language it separates the opportunists from the committed. YOU have to decide what works for you in terms of the frequency of communication.
@SK-no2pp thank you. So true and good advice! I also think that some of thr signs of them not being interested is an avoidant who isn't aware of doesn't want to change.
@@aigo000t takes two people to build a good relationship. One sided effort is exhausting
Whew! 😅 It only took me a little over 4 years of breadcrumbing to finally bail on my DA. This time feels different. The resentment just reached a boiling over point and my undying love just did a 180. At least for now. It helped that I met someone who seems to be genuinely interested in me and wants to spend time with me.
Hard to pass that up once you start to become more secure. Even if this new thing isn’t a long term thing, it’s hell of a lot better than trying to squeeze blood from a stone.
Move on if you can. Don’t do what I did and waste 4 years of your life. Although I will say, this relationship made me understand all of this and helped me get (more) secure. So, I guess not a total loss at all …
I'd say this is pretty accurate. Most DAs have a slow time table when it comes to being able to fully let their guard down. I also don't think it's all about their childhood either. It just as easily could be their experience with peers.
I remember I'm grade school my peers didn't want me to play sports. Because I wasn't popular, they just assumed I was terrible at them. They even tried to get other students to stop me from signing up for the team. However, I signed up anyway and because I was big for my age they actually put me on the Jr high team.
A similar thing happened in high school. They tried to bully me out of being on the team, but I became the second fastest and third strongest. I made varsity my freshman year.
My third example is the martial arts. People told me I was no good until I won regional and international championships in Kung Fu, Kickboxing, and Jujitsu (I'm actually tackling Judo now). This attitude persisted from my peers until I opened my martial art school, of which I became the number one martial art school in my town in 2023.
I bring all of this up because it's likely DAs have had to fight so hard all their lives that they have a hard time trusting people, which is understandable. However, if they stop carrying what others think of them, they can unleash a power within themselves far beyond the people judging them.
Sounds like they wanted to exclude you because they were threatened by you. You were too good so telling you you're no good is way to make themselves feel better if it discourages you from joining a team.
@@chrismaxwell1624 yeah, that's exactly what it was. When I opened my school, I actually had a local MMA fighter I used to train with become hostile once I became popular. He saw me on local television and hosting self defense seminars for large corporations (for tons of money mind you) and basically threatened me to close my school. However, once he saw I was ready for smoke he backed off and even changes direction when he sees me coming even now (seven years later). When you have to fight through those kinds of things on your own, you're definitely going to trust people less.
I’m a fearful-avoidant raised by dismissive-avoidants, so I’m watching the DA videos to better understand the “nurture” affecting my “nature”/avoidant aspect of my FA to better heal it. I’m coming to realize that my FA is internal, but probably looks more like a “DA” with a LOT more suspicion and the “F” comes out in terms of fawning and neglecting my needs to “go along to get along” or really intense yearning from being pretty badly love-starved with only this echo of “want! Want person! No want is Bad!” but not even knowing /what/ my needs/wants are beyond “I need to understand someone and their needs to get along to not be hurt or I’ll flee if I can or fawn if I can’t.”
So true! Wise. Like the 'communicating needs very directly part' changes everything and you'll actually notice that when the DA has a need they'll communicate directly. Direct communication of our own needs is very scary for us anxious types but the DA would really benefit from it. Anxious types can destroy our own relationships more often then we realise
They’re not stoic lol They’re emotionally castrated. Healthy people should require boundaries & expectations with these types.
It depends on how deep into your avoidance you are. Many are reserved and yes, even stoic. Nothing wrong with keeping your emotions under control. That's actually a skill many lack.
Communication and the manner in which it is delivered is absolutely the most fundamental and important thing in any relationship. If there is no communication, there is no relationship. Couples who have poor communication have poor relationships. Temperament is the next most important quality that must be compatible between both partners
Thanks for the video, Thais. The first 6-8 months has been very tough. We started with a situationship. I had experienced lots of resentment. Your video has been very helpful. It serves as my foundation of my first romantic relationship. I've learned to acknowledge individual attachment style. I've learned to express my needs in a polite way and my DA partner has been very consistent ever since - daily check-in, text, gift-giving, etc. I let him initiate it first.
Wow! Great video. This has changed my view on DAs... I, myself, have said "I enjoy spending time with you." I've tried giving space and this helps me understand myself and others.
This is good advice re: DAs that you're actually dating/in a romantic relationship with, but what about DAs that you just know in your life in general? It would be interesting to hear what the signs are that a DA who is *not* dating you likes you, such as the scenarios mentioned at the start of the video (e.g. a DA co-worker, friend, etc.) Would be great to hear about that re: other attachment styles, too!
Mine still hangs out with me every 2 weeks or so, but has definite become more sociable whenever i let her know im dating someone else. Its funny actually, because I'd be all hers if she wanted it, but she doesn't...at least not on the surface. 😅 Shes a great person though, so im glad we never dropped the friendship even though dating didnt work out
They thrive in half-time relationships. Get away from her.
@Tmlatyoutube no worries there, im extremely happy in my relationship with my current girlfriend. She's just a friend now. I look back at me a year ago and think, omg I was pathetic over her, I grew quite a bit myself. I'm glad we're still cool 😎 but yeah, she's incapable of truly loving someone so....
One thing frustrating with texting my DA is that they would reply at the end of the day, but they would literally be texting other friends and their phone vibrating from notifications constantly, makes me feel ignored as an AP
Like ok maybe you are feeling overwhelmed with conversation juggling, but damn so low on the priority list 😅
A DA who is seriously interested in you is still capable of showing up beautifully in the beginning of the relationship before you get too close and they deactivate. In the beginning, they still initiate, responding in a timely way to your texts and planning quality time with you. It’s usually around the six-month point when deeper feelings begin to develop that they pull away and withdrawal. DA’s are quite consistent before they deactivate. I could have set my clock to my ex DA’s good morning text, check in text throughout the day and also at the end of the night, and he’s severely DA. Be careful not to mistake someone who is not invested in the relationship with an avoidant.
@@sshuteandrew agreed. My DA "friend" responds literally in seconds. He has for years. If they make you wait, that's not the best sign unless they are literally slammed and can't get to their phone.
….yep, they love their phones, anything to distract away from feeling anything
@@cspace1234nz so true.
@@sshuteandrew this is really true. I liked a guy who’s a DA & for the first couple of months things were going so well. We hung out 2 to 3 times a week. He introduced me to his mom, I used to go over his house all of the time & meet him at restaurants but then he started to pull away. I was an AP so my tendencies pushed him away. It was definitely a push & pull dynamic. Anyway I am currently in therapy & I’ve gotten so distant from him to point that he’s now chasing me. I don’t expect anything from him & I don’t get as close to him anymore. I am not clingy like I used to be & I know he feels that. He’s the one that reaches out to me first now. The biggest thing I’m doing is setting boundaries & taking care of myself. If he doesn’t reply to messages in a timely manner, I literally go take care of my responsibilities. I no longer panic when I don’t hear from him. It’s so…liberating.
While I find these videos super helpful, I always come away at the end feeling frustrated like I'm the one who always has to do all of the emotional labor when it comes to a friendship with someone of this attachment style. This is a rhetorical question obviously... but why do I always have to be the one reading between their lines and assuming the best of them when they just show up when they feel like it and that's supposed to be enough because that's just how they're wired? (Generalizing here but just let me vent lol) Bearing the burden of the emotional insight for both people in the friendship/relationship can be exhausting, but it is the reality for a lot of us 😢
This is where I’m at. I don’t know what to even do at this point.
@@aigo000t you are correct, and I am always working on me...but these kinds of people would just be writing folks off left and right if not for the other attachment styles like me putting the work in. Searching CZcams videos on how to have a healthy relationship with them
@@aigo000t jf you're doing so well at this why you on this page 🤣 let people vent
@@courtneylong3358 to answer your last reply to the other commenter, we're all just doing our best out here and if we have advice to offer or truth bombs, we share. I think their point is that if you voluntarily keep putting in all the work, you're essentially enabling behavior in someone you want to change. If doing these things makes you unhappy, you are under no obligation to do them. All insecure attachments have to be left to self-reflect and heal on their own. Vent away. It's only natural. My friend in the comments has sound words of wisdom though..
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes I don't disagree. It's tough out here either way for someone craving connection more than most people do, it's a painful existence wanting a deeper relationship with people you have a connection with...and they put far far less effort into what COULD be an amazing friendship
Could you do more videos on building self-esteem to avoid avoidants.
Unsure if I found my TF or just an annoying DA 😂 regardless I’m moving on BYeeeee 👋
Well mine love bombed me then deactivated I reached out but wish I didn’t because she was so cold it’s now been 7 months since we have spoken and thanks giving/Christmas is approaching she’s not getting no texts from me this time.
Good Video
Thank you ❤
like anyone sane would like to deal with avoidant bs ... :/
Same goes for anxious attachments. I've had better luck and compatibility with avoidants over those leaning anxious.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes well if you was able to build a relationship with someone who's natural behavior is not talking to you, than hats off to you.
Help - I’m so confused. Gonna try to condense everything. I think ex is a DA, didn’t know at that time & didn’t know about attachment styles. together just over a yr. Hindsight, I can see he would try to tell me what he needed & how having me over at his place & spending 4 nights out of the wk was a big deal for him. My biggest issue is his female “friend” that he has known for 25-30 yrs.
When we 1st met she was there in the distance & giving me dirty looks, like why was I talking to her man. He has always claimed they’re just friends but he will never talk to me or reply to me when she is around or have us in same place w/him. 1 time I was at his place when she was there, I know she was mad I was there so she just left w/out saying a word then gave a BS excuse why she left. Then I found out he would have her spend the night on weekends, we got into a huge fight about it & stopped talking for 4 days, when we started talking again he said he would not have her spend night anymore which lasted for a little while but then eventually she was back & I caught him lying about it either directly or by omission.
He also has her completely enmeshed in his life. He claims cuz he was single for so long & she was helping him when he had an accident. While we were together he had another accident & tore his rotator cuff, needed surgery, shortly after that happened I started receiving texts from an unknown #, I figured out it was her, she also put an AirTag on his vehicle. He either knows it was her & has lied to me or doesn’t want to believe it & just wants to be ignorant to the fact.
Anyway, he had surgery, she was staying there, he didn’t see me for a month but we were talking on & off cuz we would get into arguments about her being there & him not seeing me. Finally we did see each other & he told me she was not there anymore & she was not going to be there, that weekend I figured out she was there again spending the night, again I was pissed & I told him I was done & compared him to my ex for lying & cheating.
We didn’t talk for a wk or 2, then he called me not sober, he was wanting to have sex, I told him I wanted to be in a relationship cuz he would always say we are in between seeing each other & a relationship. (Basically a situationship). His reply to me was he would think about it. I agreed to give him some time because for 1st time he told me he loved me. We went back to texting & calling everyday but during this time he would say remarks about having sex & I would say only if we are in a relationship which he didn’t like. I also noticed he would say things like he didn’t want me to come over to his place anymore that he only wanted to come to mine. Last wk, he calls me, I’m sick, said he was gonna come over but I’m sick. I said sure u were not believing him but he insisted he was. We had another FaceTime that night & another call. After we hung up about an hr later I said good night since I wasn’t feeling well, he replied. Next day he said good morning, it was a physical therapy day for him which he would normally call me on his way but this day he didn’t. I waited til almost 7pm sent a text which he answered within the min, then I asked what r u doing, within same min & got no reply. He didn’t reply for an hour & I know he gave me a BS answer. About an 1 1/2 later I texted that I noticed our communication had been inconsistent & asked him what changed. I got no reply. The next day no communication from either side. I waited to next afternoon & asked if we were back to not talking, he called me pretty quickly acting like nothing was wrong we talked for a little bit, then he called me back on his way to therapy & on way home. This was a Friday, said he was gonna call me or text me later. He didn’t. Saturday I texted good morning, he didn’t text me back for 3 hrs. I knew by this point she was there. A couple hrs later I texted was going out, he asked if I was going by myself I said no, he said ok which is not his normal response. Normally he would ask who I was going with so I asked him why he wasn’t asking. Got no response. I then said guess u don’t care & u have ur own thing going on. He then replied he thought I would just tell him. & that he does care. I asked what he was doing, again no reply, had to ask again finally got another answer that I know was not exactly true. 3 1/2 hrs later I asked him who was by his house, no reply, another 2 hrs later I asked if he was still up, couple hours later tried calling. (I know might seem excessive but if he was texting or calling me & I didn’t reply he would be saying something to me about it).
Next day I waited til 4pm to see if he would reply then I texted him that it had been 4 wks & I needed to know what he wanted to happen btwn us. Either we can be friends, be in a relationship or have nothing to do w/each other. He knows my feelings, & whatever he chooses is fine cuz those are his feelings & what he wants but i can’t keep living in limbo & it isn’t fair to string me along if he has no intention of being in a relationship w/me, I’m not a priority or if he can’t live w/out her. I also told him I would not be mad, no matter what he decides. Still no reply.
I have no idea why he is not answering, we didn’t get in a fight, I don’t think I said anything bad to him. I’m so confused as to what to do, how to feel or what to think.
Okay, from a woman who has dated avoidant men out of preference please listen up. Join Thais's personal development school...at least the free trial...and get yourself to a secure place. What he's doing is not okay and the fact that you are sitting here waiting on HIM to be in charge of the decision to make you his girlfriend makes me sad. That's your choice too and you've given up all of your power to this man. It's one thing if this was typical avoidant behavior and he is just acting this way out of fear, but he is lying and letting another woman sleepover. That's not even close to okay or forgivable. He does not value you and what you have.
Please take the focus off of him and start loving yourself more.
💎💎💎
Arghhh swear - we are back in the friend zone but he wants me show up like I’m his partner - he constantly puts me down and wants to move in together - he’s aware his a DA. It’s been 2months since we were intermit and basically makes vomiting faces when sees me naked etc so hurtful, constantly putting me down trying to detach from me. Exhausting
@@jKDC1987 what you permit you promote. Do you want to be with someone who is putting you down? Makes a vomiting face when you’re not wearing clothes? Why are you trying with someone who is barely making an effort? You have to look inwards and see what it is about YOU that is attracted to this dynamic
@@SK-no2pp I’m doing the work - I understand my attachment - unfortunately he has nowhere to go atm so I’m trapped and won’t leave him with nowhere to go. We are just “friends”. I know my worth and I know and understand his actions and why he does it. He’s trying to protect himself from love. He’s a good person, and you’re right, I’m very secure and will have the open honest conversations with him, I’m the one who made him aware he’s a DA, I tell him when he’s being disrespectful and why he’s acting that way and he always nods or says things like “I know, it’s my issue and has nothing to do with you or how you look, it’s just me” . I love him very much and it isn’t always as simple as you suggest above. Human connections are never simple. Thanks for the comment though.
Please don’t put up with that. You are more valuable than that!
Oh no hunny!!! Please ditch this dude asap. What he's doing is not okay. He's an adult. Let him figure out his living situation on his own. Take your power back. ❤
This is situationship. He's not interested in you but keeps you around for some reason. I can't say why. A lot men do this while waiting for someone they are interested in.