how to build confidence when you hate yourself - AvPD & ADHD
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- čas přidán 27. 07. 2024
- Today I discuss my epiphany about building confidence as someone with low self esteem from Avoidant Personality Disorder, and the first steps I'm making toward taking my own advice.
In this video, I focus on the actionable steps we can take regarding things that are within our control, emphasizing that what's outside of that shouldn't matter. The acceptance of what we can't control is important, but I'm saving that for a later video. I have some more work to do before I'll feel right talking about that aspect of healing.
Thanks for watching.
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Damnit u r good. This is probably what I need to hear today.
Honestly, me too 😂 it’s easier to give advice than to take it but it’s never too late to try again tomorrow hahahah I believe in us
Hi Maxine, I agree: When we are skillful in a certain area, we will be confident there. When we feel unskilled and awkward in an area, we will not feel confident in that area. So the answer is to build the skills we need in areas where we lack confidence. This means doing and practicing those things until we are skillful and therefore confident. Public speaking is a big fear for me and I have no skill zero in that area, so I need to join a speaking club and practice till I have skill and confidence. Of course I dont do that because of my depression, hopelessness, avoidance and fear and awkwardness about the social interaction part. It takes a certain level of confidence to get started and that has to come from belief in oneself and self-trust and self esteem which I dont have either so I never build the skills I need to succeed in life. I am very impressed that you graduated college which means you became skilled and skillful in many things which is something to be proud of and that is a reason to be confident in yourself that you can achieve what you want to in life.
If I may expand upon your example - assuming that being comfortable public speaking is a value you hold that is important enough to you to want to build confidence in, perhaps joining a club is looking too far ahead. If it doesn't feel possible because you don't have enough confidence yet to take that step, is there anything else you could do first to build enough confidence to get there? A smaller step you could take? Such as... starting a CZcams channel, or even just filming yourself talking about something podcast-style and then deleting it? Maybe try learning a different skill first, one that you can do from the comfort of your bubble if that's where you're stuck. There's a snowball effect to it, and the more you challenge yourself and meet those challenges, the more you feel able to do. But we all have to start somewhere, and I think the key is starting very small.
For me for example, and this is embarrassing to admit lol, but hygiene has been such a struggle for me for so many years that I'm now starting with the goal of brushing my teeth every day (yes, once a day if that's all I got) and showering every 3 days. This is not my end goal and no healthy person would strive for this, but it's a step I can take in the right direction with the capacity that I have right now.
As always, thank you for your comment. ❤️
@alienoverlordsnow1786 - Technically, you're 'publicly speaking' now, and you're quite well worded, if I may offer that 'token'. I do realize, it's not quite the same thing - the closest I got to such, was overhead, PA, announcements, where you don't see all, who hear you, and only a few, see you, too... Kindest regards-
Hi Maxine, thanks for the tip to start small! Baby steps! That remininds of the Bill Murray movie: ' What about Bob?' Very wholesome comedy! I struggle with hygeine too. That reminds me of a positive affirmation: 'I take care of myself, because I love myself, and I want what is best for myself.'@@anxious_and_avoidant
Thanks for the encouragement Mark!@@markaoslo5653
I find your candor very thought-provoking. Thank you.
"... I can't have confidence until I'm liked ..., " and vice versa.
When you said the preceding, I went off on a tangent in my thoughts. I went back many decades to the end of my 2nd grade year. My classmates and I were moving up to 3rd grade. This would be a new and different experience for me and my friends and acquaintances.
At least until I was told that I would not be moving up. I would be staying in 2nd grade.
It's so long ago, I don't really remember much about this But I think I felt like there was something wrong with me. Or I'd done something wrong and now I was out of the group I once belonged to.
I suspect my seven-year-old brain thought that life is unpredictable. You can be dropped at any time. Be careful, cross your fingers, and brace yourself for the next rejection. If I wasn't already anxious about belonging, and I may have been, I was anxious from then on.
In hindsight, I wish that my seven-year-old brain had thought, "Well, I had friends in my old class so I'm sure to make new friends in my new class. And I'm older so I'll probably do better at whatever I failed at." But maybe that's a lot to ask of a kid that age.
I have been looking for a full time job for six months. I've applied for 102 jobs, had 22 interviews and landed two part time jobs. It has just been an over whelming amount of rejection. It's to the point where when one of my part time jobs praises me, I don't believe them, I think they're just trying to be nice because they pity me. They pity me because I am pathetic! I still get up and get out everyday, I have two dogs and no yard, so I have to take them out for exercise and potty time, but I am really down on myself because nobody seems to want to work with me. I know the right job will come along, it always does, but ffs this SUCKS. Heavy sigh, end rant. Thank you for posting Maxine, I appreciate you!
Thank god for dogs ❤️ From what I’ve heard, the job market is pretty garbagio right now, so just hang in there and try not to take it personally!! But I know it’s brutal. ☹️ When I was younger I always applied to local businesses and usually got the first job I applied for, so I know reintegrating in the post-pandemic economy is gonna do a number on me lol. I’m still putting it off as long as possible. 😭
@@anxious_and_avoidant Thank you for your kind words and your vids, I find them very helpful.
Wow you are so amazing and brave, trust me I am struggling to still even apply for 1 job. And I am not saying that just to be nice and make you feel good. I mean it , wow good on you from the heart!
I wish I could apply to 102 jobs, I would feel amazing to be honest. when I apply for one job I feel so good lol... Usually it's 1 job every 2 months haha. It takes me that much time build enough courage to actually apply. Good luck and be kind to yourself.
@@Abdulwadude- Thank you so much, Abdul, your comment brought me to tears in the best possible way. I keep a spreadsheet to keep track of my job applications and I copied and pasted your comment onto it so I can read it after I receive another inevitable rejection letter. Thank you so much, this realy means a lot to me!! I wish you all the best in your job search and life!!❤❤🩹❤
@@kgreene460 Thank you I am so happy that my comment made your day.
I know rejection can be hard but it's their loss lol. And don't even think about the "rejection" part enjoy your spreadsheet :)
I left a couple of really good jobs after a year because I was afraid of them finding out how incompetent I was, once they promote me haha but now I am starting to realize that may be it's just in my head.
Yes, being popular for not being yourself is toxic. And you ARE very pretty right now. And better alone and content than surrounded by empty noise.
Portable hammocks were a game changer for me personally. It allowed me to get out of the house and go on walks and then still be cocooned in my own little shell
Oooooo I love my hammock so much but have only ever used it in my house and on camping trips… it’s blowing my mind rn realizing I could take it to the park for a couple hours. 🙏🏻 Thank you!
Wow... (in a good way) - kinda hit me in the _'feels'_ I nearly cried a bit (I had to work hard, to not)... late for me tonight, and I'm a few deep, so articulation, is not quite on hand for me, now - In short, I am so pleased, impressed, just happy (joy?), with the work you are doing, Maxine! Absolutely, an inspiration - I'm not putting you on a pedestal, just making a personal, authentic, observation - I may unpack more, after morning coffee... modeling behaviors of those who inspire us, and being around them - the lies, our minds tell us, quality of friends (and food), over quantity, our past and present vices, self-care, including hygiene... - definitely, a re-watch, for me - you covered a lot! Good-night, dear-heart! 💟 ☮ 😴
❤️🩹☺️❤️🩹
I can relate to the the moment when u dont want to give urself credit for being brave enough to show ur face on the internet. ("Im faking it)
Since u uploaded the video , ur obviously not faking it.
I think ur right the uselessness of "outside-validation". In my case I am one of the few AvPD-guys who is lucky enough to get tons "outside-validation", loving friends and family, even popularity sometimes.
But I am telling myself that I am a piece of shit and everybody hates me. the inside is just so much stronger.
Pls dont get me wrong but I think the advise not to spent ur time and energy on Fakefriends or people who are not good to u is not bad but I think people like us could use this thought as an excuse for pushing people away and isolating themselves. Like I did my whole life.
I hope u continue doing this videos.
Life is hard, and you are making some great progress, keep going, we are all behind you cheering you on.
🥹
Thanks for another good video. For me, it was good to realize that not everyone has to like me, e.g. at the new work (this was something I used a bit of time in therapy to realize). In theory, this thought is fine, but in practice, I still end up overthinking and worrying about many social situations.
Some of this reminds me of some things Dr Scott Eilers talks about. He’s someone on YT worth listening to I think. For what it’s worth I welcome all your videos 🙏
Thank you Maxine,
I very much admire you for caring about your wellbeing and freedom enough to study this disorder and have the courage to share it with us. One of my deep underlying beliefs is that I’m not smart, and you strike me as someone who’s naturally intelligent and articulate, so I admire you for that too!
Thank you so much 🥹 As a very burnt-out former “gifted” child, that’s one of the best compliments I can receive hahaha. I appreciate you. ❤️
Putting myself on the Internet is my biggest challenge, that I haven't conquered. Still can't look at myself in the mirror, or see myself in photos. 😮 However... despite that... as I've aged... I've definitely grown to love myself more from an internal/intellectual stance. In other words, I still hate the way I look, but I love the way I think and feel... about nature and the world... and am proud of myself for my ability to learn and think for myself.
Looks aren't everything.
Ps. I also have no friends. And I no longer care! 😂
This is so true, I don’t think younger me would have been ready to take this advice… I needed the perspective to be receptive to the idea that there’s more to life than being attractive and popular. 😅
@@anxious_and_avoidant Me too! Young me wanted to hang out with friends more than anything else in the world, and once I decided that I liked someone, I would literally give them my soul, 100% and take all their emotional drama and be there for them. 😆 I look back and see a lot of my "best friends" back then were narcissists, but at the time I had no concept of it. I still struggle a lot with my internal shame and believe that everyone "hates me" or doesn't like me, especially if they don't contact me or respond to my messages quickly enough. I always respond, so I don't get why they don't!
Like I feel like I'm a nice person. I'm undemanding and I don't cause conflict. And yet people still don't like me... so I'm clearly complicated in ways that I can't quite figure out, but I can't work it out, and being so bottled up inside myself is excruciating and its easier now not to have friends, as all I do is beat myself up and wonder why they hate me.
Arghghgh... it's so complicated and painful!!! Like a hamster on a wheel! 😅
What I’m doing to build more confidence: practice making art (even if it’s bad), start prepping super simple meals, start reading more things that interest me and share about it with family members, do daily somatic exercises for pain (I neglect my pain which makes me ashamed)
These are reachable things that I can start doing now. I’m not going to be harsh with myself when I slip up, just get back to it the next day.
🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 I’m doing many of the same things! But yes, being kind and giving yourself grace is key. Tough love might work for some personalities but not for mine. I’ve “fallen behind” on a lot of routine since thanksgiving, but I’m just trying to ease myself back into it. ❤️
easing back into it is all we can do. We will always have an ebb and flow to things. easing back is both responsible and kind, you're doing great 🧡@@anxious_and_avoidant
Wow thank you for speaking about this. It's nice to know that I am not alone in my struggle, and it is crazy that regardless of who we are man or woman we still have similar struggle and that makes me feel human. Because I used to think there something uniquely wrong with me.
❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
I love this ❤ been living by this mindset too now, and it makes ALL the difference.
I agree :) I found that doing things consistently that are important to me does build my confidence and helps a lot. Your video encourages me to keep going. I’m trying to leave the house more often and I want to be more self-directed :)
We can do it!!
You're definitely on the right road to practicing healthy self-actualization, with what you suggest in your video. Much of what you detailed is precisely what I've done with my life for the past 10 plus years; so, my 30's, and then some! So take heart, you've got so, so much more time to get things where you want them.
You're all too right about being carful about the company one keeps. As I mentioned above, that has certainly been a large part of me getting myself where I want to be; and, while I'm very alone at the present, I'm also not in the red when it comes to the company I would keep. I've found that, not unlike intimate relationships, it really is better to be alone than to be with the wrong people.
As for the opinions of others, especially those whom we might have little to no say as to whether we have to be around them, if I can be frank for a moment, I've long said that "opinions are like assholes: everyone has one, and most of them stink." As for those few well-washed and perfumed opinions of those with whom we rightly keep company, even those ought not be leaned entirely upon, as far as our self-actualisation goes, and I think you well illustrated that in your explanation.
Also, you ought not refer to yourself as a loser, not to yourself nor others. I mean it, don't even do it as self-depricating humor; it's bad mojo, and that's bad practice! Independent of whatever mistakes you or anyone has made, everyone makes them, everyone loses eventually; the more one casts life's dice, the more chances ther are to lose, it's just they way things are, and anyone who says otherwise has probably not ever had to experience genuine hardship, or significant loss, beyond the scope of their control.
And, lastly, I can't not say "right on" for your continuing commitment to cannabis abstinence! You're doing great, and keep on keeping on, and same goes for the videos!
This is amazing to hear, thank you so much! I am the queen of self-deprecating humor and that’s so funny you mention that because I’ve been talking about it with my sister recently and was thinking about making that a topic of conversation here eventually too. 😅 I don’t even realize I’m doing it, but I know it’s a bad habit that doesn’t necessarily have the desired effect in practice hahahah. So thank you for that reminder.
5:15 - Another thing I thought of, last-night... Failing 'Pleasing' and 'acceptance', from and of, (to?) others, doesn't in it's self, negate courtesy, and a baseline of respect - which I don't intend as phony niceties, superficial, etc... and, I think you elude to this, Maxine, if you didn't call it out... We attract, what we project (along the lines of, _"reap, what we sow"_ ) and going back to a paradox, or _"catch-22"_ along the lines of, _..to get that, we need X, and yet, to get X, we need to have, that..._ - having been abused (familial), and bullied (peers), (self-loathing, and defeating) and being as a sort of 'trans' (outlier, esp for the time) - When, I eventually learned a more stable, affirming, sense (not, idealized) of 'self' - I wasn't reliant (though appreciative), of others perceptions, of things such-as, 'passing' - and when I look back, I didn't first, pass to myself - We're all, trying to 'pass', though restricted by our own, certain terms (self-image), >>and to 'detour' a moment; I 'think' that if we look at our 'animal', limbic-system (paleomammalian cortex), selves, we may see on that level, that the 'instinctual' reactions, are in themselves, quite innate, and 'natural' - The conscious-mind (when engaged), can counter-act, false-positives, and false-negatives... [escape: see if that makes any sense, or further inspires, or prompts - I'm 2-days short, of 2-weeks, since my last bath - I'm getting in the tub!] Cheers-
I’m so glad you are making videos. This was so spot on. Just want to say that today I was feeling really low, really hyper aware of my low self esteem and not being where I want to be because of this avpd escapism. I was really close to scrolling my phone for hours but instead I saw your video and decided to play it while I practiced painting, participating in life a bit more. I can’t tell you how much I relate to you. I have this urge to say that our lives aren’t wasted, there’s no point at which it’s too late, there’s more for us and we can get there. It can get better. Your vulnerability is brave and empowering.
Thank you ❤️
Omg I just saw the updated version of this comment and I wanna cry 🥹 it’s so hard but I’m proud of us!! ❤️🩹
I'm proud of us too!@@anxious_and_avoidant
Yay! Maxine is on! I was wondering how things are going - the algorithm is 8-hours behind, on this one... Well, I'll shut-up and watch now. Cheers-
Read "Healing the shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw.
10:57 - Exactly this can be damaging to people, especially if you have AvPD.
I used to feel so good when I would start a new job and a coworker would immediately start gossiping to me. “Nice, they can tell I’m trustworthy and they like me!” Took me too long to understand that anyone *that* willing to talk shit *to* you will be just as likely to talk shit *about* you. 😬 It’s an instant red flag to me now!
@@anxious_and_avoidant
Yeah, it's good to understand that those kind of people will gossip about you just as easy. I always try to be careful with what I tell to such people.
I recently started a new job, and recently also quit that new job. AvPD at it again :(.
I hope you can manage keeping jobs!
I think you're a really cool people
Something I've been working on recently in therapy is making decisions for myself without asking for permission from my loved ones. I'm 22, and I'm lucky enough to have a great relationship with my parents. However, I find that when I have to make a big decision, I end up talking it to death with each parent, my partner, and my sister. Usually in these situations I know what I want to do, but I lack the trust in myself to make the decision on my own. I think building trust in yourself is an important step in becoming more confident.
Omg excellent point!!! Especially for someone like me who has always been codependent… I guess I’ve slowly started doing that too but didn’t really realize it. Being aware of that so I can be more intentional in practicing that independence is helpful, thank you! 🙏🏻
@@anxious_and_avoidant You’re so welcome! Thanks for everything you’re doing ❤️ We’ve all gotta help each other
1:24 - I'm tempted to suggest, that you find your competence, for which, confidence, may ensue...
A side-note, because I can't seem to remember when something is spelled with _ ...ance_ vs- _...ence_ - a mnemonic I thought of (trying it out), is to ask myself, is it a _'dance',_ or a _'fence'_ - balance (first time, I spelled that right, without spell-check), is a _'dance'_ - confidence, and competence, are both, _'fences'_ testing: reliance ( a dance), insurance - I would have thought, a 'fence' (nope)... brain-fodder 😜
Do people with AvPD “split” on people who try to get close to them? Like have hateful/annoyed/anxious feelings towards people who try to get to know them better or towards the idea of having to interact on a deeper-than-surface level?
Interesting question! I’ve never heard that term used specifically but we’ve definitely discussed this idea in the discord before and some of us do/have experienced this! I think our fear means we like to have control over how quickly relationships progress, which can cause resentment and annoyance if someone is pushing us to open up too quickly for our comfort.
What’s the name of that app? I’ve been using my journal but would like to have the option of doing lists and stuff on my phone and not just in notes. Thanks. ☺️
Todoist!! It’s amazing because when you add a task you can literally type “sweep the floor every 3 days” or “take the trash out every Tuesday” and it automatically separates the task from the schedule and then schedules it for you. If you skip something, it’ll just show up at the top of the next day. I’m obsessed hahaha.
@@anxious_and_avoidant That’s perfect, my short term memory is awful lol. Probably the Ouid. 😂 Going to talk to my therapist about resources to quit. Or at least slow down and quit smoking cigarettes too.
I'm so so so so confused!!!!! You said you think you're ugly and yada yada yada.......
But you're freaking gorgeous!!!!!❤
Seriously.
Like a 7. Very solid 7.
And a gorgeous smile.
I'd get my left arm removed if I could sell it for looks equal to yours.
Thank you 🥲 I appreciate your sweet comments and am happy my videos were able to reach you in your journey ❤️
I don't think you are a loser at all ❤
Maxine, I just thought of something you may find interesting, if not useful: You dont actually hate yourself. You actually love yourself. What you hate is your false self. What you love is your true self. Your true self is love, bliss, awareness and freedom. That is its nature. This is a new concept for me. It is Buddhist spirituality or non-dual spirituality. Apparently, we are not who we think we are. As long as we believe that we are the false self, with its 84 problems and extreme imperfections, we will hate ourself. But when we have the awakening to the realization that we are the pure consciousness that is prior to the person and beyond the person, then we will no longer identify with our body or our problems and we will be at peace, blissful, happy, equaninimous and free. If there were a spiritual ladder with 12 rungs, with cluelessness being not even seeing the ladder, with the middle rungs being practicing, learning and awakening, and beyond the top rung being enlightenment, then I would be standing at the ladder, recognizing the presence of the ladder, and with my foot lifted and halfway to the first rung, which would be the rung of renunciation and committment and the intention to make the efforts neccessary to realize the true self. In childhood, I was brainwashed in the guilt and shame Catholic cult and was lucky in high school, to be reprogrammed into atheism, and now I am agnostic and leaning toward Buddhism. I love the story of the Buddha's spiritual journey and enlightenment, although I have very low confidence that I can succeed in following in the footsteps of the Buddha. Discipline and perserverance and patience are required! No! I'm hesitating to step onto the first rung, but I do feel like it would be wise to do so. Of course I am not known for my wisdom.
I love this idea 😭 I feel sooooo lucky to have grown up free from religion… knowing how naive I was (and maybe still am lol) I think any denomination of Christianity would have been detrimental for me. I always say, if I had been alive during the 70s commune cult era, I would have been allllllll over that. 😅
Anyway, as little as I know and understand about Buddhism, I love and agree with the sentiment that who I really am is not the same person as who I’ve let myself become. I think (or know, really) that I have great potential if I can live more intentionally than I did through my 20s.
I love this community so much. 🥹
Maxine, I am glad you resonate with the concept of having a true self that is love and that we actually do love ourselves.! We are like-minded to some extent. Another proof that you love yourself Maxine, is that you are working on yourself, improving yourself and making strong efforts to create healing and happiness for yourself! You wouldnt do that if you actually hated yourself. I just thought of this affirmation and an improvement for the first affirmation I posted:
'I am working on myself and healing myself, because I love myself, and I want what's best for myself.'
'I take good care of myself, because I love myself, and I want what is best for myself.'
Last two, sorry, manic state again:
'I am disidentifying more and more with my false self and its 84 problems'.
'I am identifying more and more with the peaceful presence, love and happiness of my true self.'