What is Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder?
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- čas přidán 2. 07. 2024
- In this video Darren Magee outlines some of the common characteristics of Quiet borderline Personality Disorder, sometimes referred to as High Functioning or Discouraged borderline. Part of the Cluster B group of disorders, it can be difficult to spot and sometimes diagnose because many of the symptoms are hidden.
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#quietborderline #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #BPD
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Hi, I have a question is it possible to have BPD petulant and some signs of this type to???
@@user-rf3ty4rt9t yes think there can be cross overs
@@DarrenFMagee thenks!!
Would you be able to do a video debunking some or one of the awful videos that are out there that massively stigmatises BPD. For example the videos by Shallon Lester.
darren you were extremely accurate in everything i feel being the QUIET type. every word fit perfectly. I've always hidden what goes on inside me very well, however, causing extreme mental fatigue after trying to sustain being someone I know fits better socially. inside it was destroyed. thank you so much.
I’ve always had such a hard time when people call me “nice” or “caring” because of my people pleasing because internally i’ve always felt like a fraud i just didn’t feel like those actions were genuine. As soon as i was diagnosed BPD quiet everything made much more sense how i tried to avoid conflict through people pleasing
Gosh that sounds like myself. You are not a fraud, we just have a different way of being . Calm on the outside, suffering on the inside. What a struggle
omg me too. drives me crazy, absolutely hate it.
Same here :/ I remember thinking from a very young age that “people are sensitive and I should be extra careful what I say and do” not knowing that that’s not really what that meant or what it sounds like. That was little me rationalizing why I can’t have my own opinions towards others. Why it’s not okay to be myself 😞 why I don’t feel I’m allowed to do anything that benefits me but only them. This is really eye opening stuff. I’m working through my traumas with emdr therapy. Hope that helps someone ♥️
I relate so much. When people call me "a calm person" I feel like crying because only I know how chaotic my mind is. I feel like a fraud.
@@patieblue same here, im called calm but inside im a mess of emotions
Thank you for mentioning how those with quiet BPD may be more susceptible to manipulation and abuse from others. Often I see/read how BPD is villainized and I think that perception can lead to invalidating or exploiting some of the feelings that people with quiet BPD have.
Thank you for commenting I’m glad you liked it
Thank you for this comment. It really validated me. Sometimes I feel like I have a “kick me” sign on my back. No more.
100% agree
I agree! I appreciate your comment!
I was just exploited, taken for granted and discarded because I wanted this person to like me badly, I wanted to do anything to please them, including sacrificing my own dignity and self-respect. She is my favourite person. I had to force myself to let her go. I want to throw up with the feelings of loss and grief but I know she doesn't want me around and that hurts even worse. She makes me feel so bad and worthless inside.
I was diagnosed with BPD about 16 years ago, and never feelt like I fit in the classical BPD type, it's SO clear to me now why, it's because I have quiet BPD I internalise all the kaos indwards 😔
Thank you for sharing I’m glad you found the video helpful
Me too! Just discover why I never had correctly diagnoses. I was suspicious of ADHD (because of that feeling of rejection that surfaced always being angry with people and feeling left out) and autism because of avoidance behavior. I was always able to control myself externally, even though it caused a lot of mental fatigue to hide and depersonify after sustaining that appearance. that's why no one could ever help me.
This sounds so much like CPTSD like someone who's adapted to a dysfunctional family. I love your videos BTW, very compassionate and informative.
I've listened to so much content about BPD and CPTSD. I can't easily tell the difference between Quiet BPD and CPTSD.
I feel the sane way . "Calm on the outside but suffering on the inside" Finally found what's going on with me. Sounds like I'm INFJ with all the QBPD
Thank you for this video. I was diagnosed with BPD in residential psychiatric care. The only criteria I didn’t fit was “Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (eg, frequent displays of temper, constant anger, or recurrent physical fights)” and since I didn’t know much about BPD and heard too much stigma, I thought that everyone with BPD had that trait. My psychiatrist there noticed my inward nature of my anger, that I would blame myself for everything whenever I got angry, that I avoided any form of conflict. So he said that he believes I’m a discouraged/quiet borderline. This video helps me feel a lot more valid in my experience. Yes, there have been times I’d lash out, particularly when I was struggling with addiction, but my inward anger eats at me every single day, but I’m so afraid of hurting people or being abandoned.
All that stuff happens to me. The one thing is that when you have Quiet BPD each day might feel like you are utterly alone and empty in the world.
For me it is always accompanied by this heavy weight on my heart that almost feels like my very spirit is in pain and it's so painful it feels impossible to go on.
I've realized that Quiet BPD is accompanied by not just “self-esteem” issues, but real and intense self-hatred and disgust.
Lastly, is like I'm chasing some kind of drug trying to self medicate more and more for a sense of belonging, love, and safety.
I also feel that heavy weight on your heart I know exactly what you mean
Me too ✋,it's exhausting and I constantly want to preoccupy my mind with some drug/substance to cope...
Currently feeling the weight in my chest right now. It’s like I can barely breathe
I’m a guy with quiet borderline and honestly it’s insane what this condition can make you do sometimes. One difficult thing I’ve found is that I am EXTREMELY self conscious about my looks in a very conflicting way. I’m very well put together in how I dress as I want to seem competent, yet I dress in the most outlandish patterns and colours, like a dart frog, so that the intensity wards off potential friendships. I’ve got countless scars from where I’ve used blades to physically cut blemishes from my skin because even the slightest imperfection makes me feel like I’m completely undesirable to the world. I don’t see a doctors for my skin problems that arise because I don’t want to be a burden, yet I’m too distraught to consider that I’m making those blemishes a hundred times worse.
My fragile sense of self means that each and every specific piece of clothing I mix and match feels like it’s creating a different identity and facade each day so I hardly ever feel like a consistent character; it’s hard to grasp who I really am.
On the outside, I seem colourful, jovial, tolerant, and giving. Yes, I CAN be those things. The difficulties come in the fact that I feel like I need to be that way constantly. I grin and bear everything that people say, all the while terrified of the intrusive thoughts I get jumping from one extreme to the next. One minute I feel like I’m in a fog of dissociation, the conversation is only half going into my head, and I’m responding on autopilot. The next, I’m thinking that me simply existing is hurting them, and that I’m completely worthless. The next, I’m thinking that they’re using fighting words, and that they’re a terrible person for being so hurtful. None of it is usually true but I don’t know that in the moment. I don’t realise until after I’ve left the conversation, gone back home, had a complete breakdown, smashed up my apartment, and hurt myself.
I’m becoming more self aware thanks to receiving help and am getting a lot better at managing things so it doesn’t get to that level, but it’s still a very confusing and exhausting disorder to have.
Hi, you are very self-aware. May I ask you if you have had long romantic relationships?
@@MissSarahGM No, BPD men aren't allowed to have romantic relationships. We're labeled too needy, and external validation isn't warranted or deemed necessary even though the rest of the population knows how important it is.
@@JB-mh5xy Not true. I've been married 27 years and have BPD.
@@greggalper3588 Sounds like you got married 27 years ago when people weren't so hyperindividual and self-absorbed, and people knew that relationships aren't perfect, and you have to give effort. I'm glad you don't have to experience dating now.
That you for commenting, gaygranola.
I can identify with your statements about your dress AND the way you deal with skin imperfections - I had never associated that with my BPD before, but maybe now that I do that will help me to regulate the emotions that make me so self-critical 🙏
I've never come across something so validating about BPD i've shared this with my loved ones because it's the only thing i've found that actually explains me fully thank you so much
My whole life is a roller-coaster slipped off the rails, maiming all those unfortunate souls who tried to love me along the way. So much unbearable guilt, shame, paranoia, depression, hopelessness, confusion, loneliness, despair, and yet, I never went to a counselor, psychologist, or even a GP to talk about mental health. No one asked me about it either. I thought I had some sort of OCD and generalised anxiety. I tried so hard to fit stories about OCD with my own; I wanted the identity. But It never really explained my bizarre decisions.
Last night I found this while trying to find an explanation of my mother's abusive behavior during my childhood (my parents passed away when I was young but not before scarring us severely), and there it was; my whole life laid out bare in a set of behavioral traits. I feel numb, but deep inside something just moved, and for the first time I see a little light flickering at the end of the tunnel.
Knowing that I'd die eventually used to bring a peace of sorts. Hearing this honestly gives me hope that maybe peace is attainable, even in this life. Thank you for the video.
Thank you for sharing and I'm glad you found the video helpful. I hope you find the support you need and get to a better place.
“Knowing that I’d die eventually used being a peace of sorts” - so true
@@katyadade1041 - for me it manifests as not wanting to die but wanting to sleep until I just feel better because I can’t even think straight to figure out how to ease the pain.
I can’t help but notice the sense of hope that rises in me when I watch videos like this as well. It’s reassuring in a way that avoidance coping is simply not. Henry I hope you get into therapy for your qBPD because we have to remember that we are still entitled to a happy and fulfilling life, and sometimes we need to assert these truths in opposition to our own states of mind. I wish you the very best and you are worthy of love, by yourself most of all ✌🏾
Thank you for this... I feel like how truly debilitating quiet bpd can be is so overlooked because of how convincing our "false self" is, and we're often dismissed as being dramatic or too sensitive... This was such a validating video, and I will definitely be using this to explain my experience to loved ones since I have trouble doing so on my own... Thank you!
Thank you for your kind feedback I'm glad you found the video helpful.
My mask was so good I thought I couldn’t be BPD; that is until I learned of the quiet subtype. I now can see my own mask, I can now work on positive self realization and healing. Many blessings to you!
I never received much validation for my feelings and there's always been this expectation to be strong and hide your struggles.
Thank you so much for this. At 65 I finally know what my core problem is. A lifetime of ferocious anxiety/ depression/ alcoholism/ fear/ shame etc. Finally in the past few weeks after a very tough time I am looking for more answers.
Your description of Quiet BPD is excellent, simple to understand.
Thank you for your kind feedback and thank you for watching
OMG, I’ve heard “avoid intimacy”, and was like “what, I crave intimacy and get close with partners really fast, rushing it”. And then I remembered how I stopped answering my future husband’s calls a month into relationship, because I thought I ran out of interesting stories to tell and was boring him. He was seriously worried and told me I was not supposed to entertain him, I could just talk about anything, no matter how boring. But I remember loving him and having intense feelings, when I started half-ghosting him.
Why tf do you do this?
@@swagsukeuchiha7599 Do what? Ghost someone you love?
This made me cry.. This is really my behavior 😔
@@katyadade1041 yea? What happened to your husband now?
@@swagsukeuchiha7599 He is next to me and our dog right now.
Now that we’ve been married for 7 years, we struggle more with my lack of daily routine, so he can’t always count on me with basic household stuff like washing dishes. It’s hard for him to understand, but he tries really hard to be an ally in my mental health improvement process.
This is the best explanation I’ve heard. 🥰 I’ve struggled with anxiety and avoidance my entire life. I wonder if this is the root.
Thank you for watching and for your kind feedback
I'm stunned. I'm 66 years old and I have just heard you describe me. I was looking as I have a contact who needs help and I was directed to BDP so I am researching this condition. thank you.
Quiet BPD was definitely me. I am for the most part recovered. It was mild for me, but I had periods where it was quite intense. I attribute my recovery to God and finding my sense of self through my relationship with Christ. I also have been in and out of therapy and have used antidepressants during extra stressful times. I think it is similar to addiction where you could fall back into the maladaptive coping methods if you aren't self-aware of the triggers. Recovery is a permanent ongoing condition. I once in a while will have negative thoughts about myself but I think that is ok as long as I realize that I control them and can turn it around. I have also learned to talk about my feelings with others and not be so critical of myself. Thanks for the video. You actually got it exactly right. 😊
Similarly, one of my loved ones struggles with mild, quiet BPD and is on the cusp of entering therapy. I would love to hear more about the features of your recovery to manage my own expectations. Would you be open to a direct message or email? Much appreciated!
OK I need to be tested for this because I want to get better and find healthy outlets to be better everyday... This made me cry
Me too…
I defo have some borderline traits 🙈 none of the destructive ones luckily but all the fear of rejection, abandonment, self-sabotage: leave before getting left, sudden mood-swings if I detect criticism, not feeling worthy, avoiding social situations. I’m basically a recluse. Had a tough time with 3 narcissists in a row. Oddly enough prior to that I had normal 9 & 7 year relationships. Than I got fit, became a fitness champion and started attracting narcissists 🙈 even developed bulimia but recovered over 2 years now. Learnt to be authentic, vocalise how I feel but still run away if I don’t trust the other party 🙈 but he is a narc still hooked on his ex so it was majorly triggering me. I know I need someone who is not traumatised to have a chance at something normal again. I really would like therapy to get better 🙏🏻
Hi there, I’m a „quiet one“ safety and stability are very important to me as well as controlling my emotions. I’m a good actress and a people pleaser. No one would ever think that I have this disorder. It’s my secret and because of the stigma I’ll keep it forever. I don’t get treatment for it because …well that’s a long story. I just wanted to say that you’re not alone out there in this world there are other people struggling just like you.
People call me selfish when I am triggered and want to self-protect. I know I can be selfish, but calling someone with BPD selfish, seems like a disparaging, invalidating, oversimplification of what is going on in me. Does anyone else feel this?
I would agree with you
For anything that's triggering or causes trauma flashbacks, defending yourself (maybe even from death) isn't selfish. I hate people that think it is.
The only people who are mad at you for protecting your boundaries are those who feel entitled to abuse them.
Me exactly!!!
Yes!!!!!!!!!! I moved into my (likely petulant BPD) mother’s house after my divorce with my young kids. I am so sensitive to her negative energy that I can’t even breathe sometimes. The more toxic she gets, the more I need to withdraw into my own self and my own room where the energy is safe. My mom shames me to my two young kids for my needing to take time out to do self-care (sleep, exercise, fresh air, time to meditate, pray, and journal, quiet time to emotionally regulate so that don’t do stupid things like over spend to self soothe) and she suggests to my daughters that I am a selfish mother because of this. When I don’t do self-care and say max out a credit card to soothe some emotion, I get shamed for that too. I can’t win, so I’m leaving. When I told her a month ago that I’m moving out, she gave me the silent treatment, went awol without saying goodbye to my girls and began to exact financially punitive consequences to thwart me leaving. She then began colluding with my malignant narcissist ex husband (two people who can’t actually stand each-other but are now allies) making spurious reports to child protective services to paint me out as a neglectful mother and prevent me from breaking away. When that didn’t go anywhere my ex husband then decided to file a motion with the family court block my move to a different city 3 hours away with the courts. I’m so tired of the drama. I just want to live a peaceful life with my kids. I know myself. I know my triggers. I’m good. I just don’t want to cohabitate with a covert narc and I need safe distance and boundaries. I feel like I just want to just fall asleep and wake up when I feel better but I have to stay woke for my two daughters. Pray for me y’all. This is HARD stuff.
I'm not allowed to express myself to anyone in my household. They get mad if I lock myself in my room all the time, or when I come out to a party and I act up or argue. I use multiple drugs, alcohol, medication daily to deal with everything
Being shut down is part of the trauma and why we turn inwards... Seeking help even though it may seem impossible and having someone to share your experience to will lift SO MUCH of the weight off. Once I got help and had someone to listen and tell me I deserve to be heard, I stopped using, and it's been a full year now. You've got this!
No one can help you if you hide in your room.
@@chelseascott5872 You’re right, but if you live with an emotionally/psychologically abusive person or family system that might be the only reprieve you can get.
Do you think that the quiet borderline comes from being abused by a narcissistic family system? I am the lost child/scapegoat of the family. I endured decades of emotional and physical abuse.
a lot of research shows a link between childhood abuse/neglect and BPD so thats definitely a possibility
Absolutely! Look up Dr. Childress’ work on CZcams on attachment theory and how it relates to personality disorders in a psychologically abusive parent and how that can lead to BPD and other cluster B disorders in the abused child.
Yes. My mother is a covert narcissist. I'm finally finding some answers for my isolation, fear of abandonment and rejection, and my anxious/avoidant (predominantly avoidant that turns anxious if I take the next step) attachment style. The last thing my narcissist mother told me was im so f-ing selfish. That was 2.5 years ago, no contact since, the final straw from decades of mind-f###ing. Im 45 years old, very single, gave up even trying for a relationship after the last shit show 15 years ago. This is me to a T.
Me too.
Personally, I think so. I do know that they think that BPD may be associated with abuse.
I thought I has social anxiety disorder but this fits me more. I never opened up to anyone even my own family and I blame myself for everything. I have a hard time forming relationships because of people pleasing I come across as fake. I'm very sensitive and I get angry quickly but I never show it. Nobody really knows who I am not even myself... Great video!
Same. That was my previous diagnosis .
I have been diagnosed with BPD and was actually told I was "high functioning". I love videos like this to help educated me in seeing other people's perspective... also helps me know how to act better so people don't reject me XD LOLLLLLL. I would get in trouble for crying/expressing emotions and other bits of trauma that added to this. I am seeing a counselor and she is wonderful and helps me to identify if my emotions are valid in being expressed or not because I literally have no idea what I should and shouldn't express. It's very mentally exhausting and I often disassociate myself because I get burned out. If you have BPD, I highly recommend seeing a counselor. It is still something I struggle with, but it helps me so so much.
Thank you for sharing and I'm glad you found the video helpful. Best wishes for the future.
Wow I’m so glad I read this comment
That was a good explanation. I wasn't aware that kind of borderline existed
Thank you
Exactly, I just thought I was an airheaded emotional crybaby that was dumb and zoned out constantly🥴😂
@@xochigonzalez8501 damn. You nailed it. That right there was my internal schema for most of my life.
This video described me so accurately I couldn’t help but shed a few tears. Thank you. I’ll schedule a visit with a psychiatrist tomorrow
Such a great explanation, I was recently diagnosed with BPD, I didn’t take it well based on my social perception of what it was but watching these videos has brought me a lot of comfort. I hope it helps me and my healing process.
I am so grateful to come across your video. Newly diagnosed after a decade of trying to figure why bipolar and then BPD didn’t click. The quiet subtype clicked right away. I have found validation in this and so much more. New goals are to work on self validation and positive self realization. Thank you again!
Yes. Auto pilot. I black out alot and don't know what happens sometimes. I tase myself when I misbehave. I put myself down daily.
Bro don’t do that
I just wanna say this video touched me everything he said is what I’ve been dealing with and I never thought I could have bpd
This describes me so very well.
Everyone tells me "you're so calm - you have such a Zen presence"... meanwhile, I am in so much pain. Those statements just reinforce the belief that I need to keep the mask on. I have to be strong for other people in order to atone for... what?
My existence???
Yes. My very existence. Other people are valid & they deserve love & happiness, but not me.
And so I put the mask on every day. I've left many jobs that I loved & abandoned many friendships because I've felt "now you know too much about me; I have to leave before you reject me & it crushes me."
Its also VERY difficult to be Quiet BPD & suffer the stigma that's classically associated with BPD. I wish we had our own diagnosis. When a psychiatrist 1st suggested to me "you may have Quiet Borderline", I burst into tears & said "I can’t have Borderline! Im not an asshole!!!" 😢
To clarify: the other subtypes don't intend to be assholes either. We're all suffering INTENSE pain & they just turn it outwards or "explode" while I "implode", as you've said here.
Quiet Borderlines have a high rate of suicide. I understand that well, & I know that I have only made it 41 years because I believe that my suicide would hurt other people in my life.
I've never felt so acknowledged in my life, thank you very much. I've been diagnosed with BPD for many years now and, as much as I relate to many things in the general description of it, this video describes perfectly what I go through on a daily basis. Thanks!
Hi Darren . This was awesome. My girl cheated on me and had a complete break down . After it all she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, but I didn’t believe it as it didn’t look like her, however this video is exactly her . I’m having a very hard time forgiving what happened even though she has a condition. I keep your video and watch it every month to try help me understand. Thanks heaps you did an awesome job here
I have bpd and have never cheated on anyone. Bpd is not an excuse to cheat so don't let her get away with it
Wow, Man... You just described my life! I am fifty-three and finally coming to grips with all of this. It has been a tough slog, it took a traumatic event two years ago to get me face to face with everything that has happened in life. I think I am about a 4.5 out of 10, probably higher at times in my life. I am working very hard to get better, in the face of this crazy world it is one hell of a fight. I was blessed with a great sense of humor, unusual work ethic, and tenacity. I will get there.
This is the most accurate description I've heard. Although I would've loved to hear more about effective treatments - I myself have been to several therapists but I felt none of them to be particularly effective. Problem with quiet BPD seems to be to me is that even the therapists are prone to misinterpret and overlook the real problem. Since we are bad at expressing what we truly want and who we truly are we need someone that kinda knows us better than we know ourselves - someone that sees through the false self and sees what we could become instead of what we are right now. Such a therapist I haven't found yet. So I'd appreciate to hear more as to what is the most effective therapy for it and what to look for in a therapist.
Thank you for your feedback and your question regarding treatment. I’ll put something together
I dont know what to say really. You described my life from the inside out like you knew expertly and every word that came from your mouth was a perfect description of what i thought only me could know in my life. Thank you so much really, you read me perfectly please inform me ways to cope with this sub-type. Thank you again DARREN MAGEE
Hey, how are you doing now? I’m a 26 year old male and Its nice to see other males who have this subtype, makes me feel less alone because it’s mostly in women
I was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago in a clinic. But a therapist suggested Avoidant personality disorder last year and was laughing about the BPD diagnosis. She said 'That would have shown in our first meetup'. But when I look at the description of Quiet BPD it makes totally sense why it didn't show to her.
I mean, I looked up on AvPD as well of course but I could never really identify with it. Because it seems like AvPD's Fear of Rejection is accompanied by the fear of being ridiculed and ashamed in front of others, whereas BPD's Fear of Rejection more looks like a fear of not being liked/loved and rejected as a person in whole because you get the feeling of being a very bad and unlikeable person. And I think that is the difference. I am not ashamed of being ridiculed, although it hurts of course.. no... I am terrified of my self being rejected completly and left alone by the ones I trust(ed) the most.
Moreover I think someone with AvPD would retreat into themselves and blame themselves or feel ostracized. I know, I can only speak for myself, but on my behalf I tend to blame myself first but then the thing flips and I devaluate the other person, with no middle ground. But happily nowadays I have a sense of recognizing when I do that. The feeling is still there but the cognition is another. Rationally I can tell that the other person isn't to blame 100% but my feelings need a little time to realize that too.
And this is the aspect, I think, where Quiet BPD and AvPD get mixed up. Because both result in a sense of social anxiety but for different kinds of rejection fear.
OK! Thank you the first BPD content I could relate with since getting my diagnosis.
Thank you for this video! I've recently been diagnosed with BPD and I definitely fit into the quiet subtype. I really appreciate videos like this, I'm going to send this to my friends and family so they can understand me better... Everyone always thinks I'm doing well on the outside when I'm suffering so much inside
me dancing during the entire video cause it describes me perfectly but i don’t want to accept it so true
Thank you explaining the difference
Thank you and you're welcome
This probably the best video I've found on quiet BPD. He really hits the nail on the head!
Just re-watched this video, thank you for covering it! It’s so helpful to be able to share it so others understand it and its impacts better! ❤
I wish I understood myself sooner. Never felt so alone. Grew up in an abusive and dysfunctional family, mother took her life on my 17th birthday, 3 years in prison, raped at 21. In my 30s now and I've lost everything, partner of 4 years left me, I have no friends or family, I thought I was just crazy. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with CPTSD after all crumbled down. Drug addiction has become an issue. My biggest problem ATM is I'm too stubborn to give up on myself 😂
I really appreciate the way you presented this information. Very matter of fact and calm. It helped immensely. Thank you.
Thank You, for this brilliant discripton of my lifetime struggle...
This video is really informative and helpful. Thank you. Very well spoken and explained.
I know and I’ve been diagnosed with bpd. Whatsoever, I rarely to never outlash on others (except for my significant other - there were, until now, no boundaries -, or if my limits and my aggression is so pushed until i loose my temper just like a volcano), quite the reverse! I am extremely submissive to an extent, that it heavily burdens me. Just as you described, I turn (almost) everything inwards. I spiral down in self harm, addiction, hopelessness and never dare to ask anyone for help - they would really really have to push me. One time my best friend just rang the bell and appeared on my doorstep, just bc she sensed that something was wrong. Or she calls me, bc I am “texting weirdly” or something, and I’m actually having a mental breakdown and burst out in tears. I know this is NOT the usual and I’m doing the absolute opposite than taking it for granted. Slowly and with her help (and therapists etc.) I am starting to stand up for myself more and more. Then I lost a couple friends. They were used to me taking all the blame in absolute panic whenever we had a conflict bc of the fear of them abandoning me. I very diplomatically and nicely tried to solve our recent conflicts, whilst still standing up for myself and my opinion (which was NOT easy). It was very hard, making the frequent experiences of people abandoning me again and again in a very short time. But finally, especially when compared with the past, it was for the right reasons and I tried my best to work on a solution and a compromise with them. In addition, I finally cut off extremely toxic “friends”, which I did not do beforehand out of fear of being alone.
It hurts. It’s a very very difficult and lonely time. But it’s the result of progress, so I’m thankful.
And I am very thankful for you, giving us a voice - I am suffering - a EFFING LOT - and rarely people notice it. Or value how much energy and work it takes for me to keep up the Fassade… but how would they know.
So thank you, from the bottom of my heart. People sometimes don’t even believe me, when I open up to them and tell them about my suffering, bc I’m always trying my absolute best to cover it up and it’s EXHAUSTING and it kind of destroys me.
So thank you. 🙏🏼✨☯️
Thank you for sharing and I wish you well in moving forward
I was diagnosed with quiet BPD and this is the best explanation I have heard yet.
This is really so well defined, loved this video :)
Thank you for your kind feedback I’m glad you liked the video
Your discourses on Borderline Personality Disorder are simple to understand and therefore excellent as a tool to give lay persons a solid ideation the disorder itself and the four basic types involved.
A great summary!
Thank you for helping me understand what i have been dealing with all my life .
You described everything so perfectly.
Thank you so much for this video, it was very informative to learn that BPD has it's sub categories and how they differ. I have always suspected that I have some sort of a light BPD, but then again I never had the full range of all the signs. However, istening to you talk and explain about the quiet type....well...now I get it, And now I get how therapy helped me to learn how to regulate stuff.
I was wrongly diagnosed with bipolar type 2 many years ago, today I found out this video and felt way more identified with quiet bpd than I ever did with bipolar. Thanks for sharing information (:
Same💗
Thank you! This is a very good video about quiet BPD, I feel understood and connected :) Please update more videos about BPD if possible❤️
Thank you for you kind feedback and I’m glad you found it helpful. I have other videos looking at BPD already if you’d find those helpful, but will continue the series
Thank you for making this. I appricate your easy to understand style of speaking; clear and knowledgable.
I almost started crying watching this. I felt seen. I wonder if this would explain things for me/I could get some help.
I would just like to say thank you. This is the most spot on explanation I’ve seen really...
Thank you I’m glad you found it helpful
@@DarrenFMagee i COMPLETELY agree!!!!, thank you so so much for making this video.
In my job I am called to be caring and positive; confident and joyful.
I have to do this yet beneath the surface I feel numb, detached from people, abandoned, rejected, lonely, worthless, anxious and forsaken. Had a very traumatic background - extreme stuff. I found it quite helpful knowing I'm not alone with BPD.
I try to be real with people and at times I've been able to help quite a number of people, but I have to put down negative thoughts and feelings to do that.
Thank you for sharing this. It is so hard to 'put on a happy face' for a job like that, yet inside is a completely different experience.
Thank you this summarised me perfectly.
Subscribed keep on shining like u do follow where your heart goes 👍🏾 stay positive always be yourself
I've identified with most everything relating to quiet bpd. I think I may have been a little more outward previous with my symptoms. My therapist diagnosed me with bpd earlier this year. One behavior I don't really think I do is discard others with they get close. If anything I crave closeness as quickly as possible and am often loyal to a detriment. I am the type who would up staying in abusive friendships and relationships. I feel the love and hate for them but internalize it.
Wonderfully spoken. As a 7/10 healing is possible by sitting within and going within and it is the most powerful while destructive process I have experienced. 17 months in my case. I was married to a covert narcissist (or psychopath) for almost 12 years. Discarded in the worst way imaginable in Jan ‘20. Add in both my parents passing separately in 2018 ten months apart and marriage separation (living together) starting half way between, then came Hell of job loss and discard only few weeks into new year. As for me I completely surrendered to Jesus Christ. severe PTSD, agoraphobia, fibromyalgia, 24/7 unspeakable self blame, shame and darkest of pain. I beat the enemy and all his legions. Dark>>Light. Trust God.
There is a healer and He is great! I can relate.
God bless you, The Lord is my only help with my CPTSD, from the abuse from my BPD Mother.
Thank you very informative
i was a bit confused on whether i have BPD or HPD because i do seek a lot of external validation and praise. this is all making sense now. i don’t think i have HPD because I dress and act a certain way for closeness with others instead of attention.
This was a great, simple explanation of dissociation. I always say it feels like I disappear. In the moment, it feels like relief though, as everything starts shutting down and all the intense emotions dim and turn off. I used to work in a warehouse and it reminds me of watching the lights shutting off one by one until everything is dark.. But it's also terrifying, because it only happens when I feel I'm trapped and can't escape the trigger. And once the lights go out, and auto pilot kicks in, I never know when they'll come back on again. It's like a dead man walking.
Thank you 💜
Well explained Dr Magee. So far this is the best explained video about Quiet BPD I can find. I am learning to express and explain the pain that I am experiencing. I can’t quite put into words precisely yet. I have been diagnosed with CPTSD & Quiet BPD. Really having a hard time to make sense of this all. From not be able to tell anybody at all, to relive everything over and over again to different therapists. It’s exhausting.
I’d like to see you making another video on this topic, perhaps a one on how to cope with these 2 diagnoses CPTSD & Quiet BPD, how they are related and what’s the best treatment for that. Were they both the causes of the repeating assaults i experienced in relationships during young adult years.
Thanks!
Hi Eva, I am diagnosed with CPTSD too (long term phys. emotional abuse by my parents, later by partner), and also have this q. BPD aspects to myself. From my understanding, most (if not all) personality disorders have their roots in trauma. There are some lovely support groups on FB for those with CPTSD, which discuss daily struggles but also different modalities to help. I personally would recommend getting a trauma informed therapist and look into DBT / scheme therapy / EMDR / neurofeedback and maybe if you experienced childhood trauma IFS. Alongside, research has shown that trauma stores in the body, so some form of somatic therapy might be helpful too (e.g. TRE / Yoga/ Tai Chi/ Cesar fysiotherapy / dry needling to name a few).
@@ootenba5910 Thank you so much! I really appreciate your lovely message. I have 2 doctors working with me right now. 1. CPT trauma focused therapy 2. Psychodynamic, this doctor focuses more on BPD. I’ll be getting to DBT in the near future, which will be a partial hospitalized program in the city.
First 7-8 months, it got very bad. It was a shock to me. I didn’t run away from the pain. I faced it. It’s true, I will get better. I am slowly feeling better. That’s a plus :)
I practice yoga (I think it might have saved me). I tried to make positive choices to release the emotions.
I think … my biggest relief was admitting that “I am emotional, I don’t have to always hide from everyone around me anymore. It is something i cannot control, yet. But I will learn.”
Thank for this video. I have many of the traits you listed. I'm the victim of emotional incest (mother) and was married to an emotionally abusive man for 25 years; he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 10 years into the marriage but the abuse didn't end, so I suspect he also had some form of personality disorder. I can see now that my mom groomed me for my marriage to him. It's not clear to me how I would know if I have quiet BPD or am just the product of years of abuse. I'm in therapy and am feeling power at having the words to articulate what happened to me and how I feel. Thank you, Darren.
I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD about 15 years ago. I've never been diagnosed with BPD at all, and that seems to be strange because I've heard a lot CPTSD cases get diagnosed as BPD initially.
I'm not afraid to be alone, for sure. And that seems to be the biggest indicator for BPD (fear of abandonment) so maybe that's the reason. If anything, I only feel safe when I'm away from the outside world, because I can manage triggers more easily. But I'm working on being more assertive the past 4 or 5 months and this channel is helping so much.
I don't know if you cover it in this video, I'm still at the beginning, but if you don't, could you consider going into the difference(s) between Quiet BPD and CPTSD?
Yes, please! I've listened to so much content about BPD and CPTSD. I have fear of rejection, abandonment and being alone but also difficulty witt trusting others and relationships. I don't fit some of the typical BPD criteria, but CPTSD seems to have a lot of overlap. I would love to hear more about the overlap between CPTSD and quiet BPD specifically.
Hi thank you both I’m glad you find the videos helpful and yes I’ll cover the two in a future video
I would find that quite helpful as well, thank you.
My g friend cheated on me , had a break down and was diagnosed with this. Fantastic video - made me understand it and is so her . I am having a very hard time forgiving even though I do believe she has this.
This is me… and I appreciate you saying quiet bpd can get worse with time. Now in my mid 20s I’m not able to keep up the “false self” as easily anymore. Things are destabilizing more and more.
And since childhood I’ve had the comorbid eating disorder, depression, obsessive thoughts, and possibly autism, etc.
This hit me so hard i had to watch it twice
I often feel like this, could relate to this very well, didn’t know this was a thing
Thank you for commenting I’m glad you found it helpful
9 possible symptoms in dsm. Identity diffusion. But they differ from high functioning to very low functioning. Npd has outbursts also. Emotional dysregulation. I believe it's easier to treat.Dbt can be very helpful.
Spot on
I think people with quiet BPD avoid or sabotage relationships (mainly romantic relationships) because they had a narc parent that consistently sabotaged or discouraged the BPD person’s previous romantic relationships and they may fear intimacy bc of fear of sabotage from outside sources (like a narc parent, in-law, friend, etc) or they fear abandonment from their partners, so they don’t even try to be intimate in the first place. When they do finally feel free enough to engage in a romantic relationship, they either do not have enough experience with romantic relationships or were otherwise not taught how to properly engage in a romantic affair so their fear of abandonment may take hold and they may cling onto their partner and bend over backwards to keep the partner attached to them….even if it means appeasing the partner at the expense of themselves.
I wish I had been diagnosed with this decades ago. I have always been seen as easily overwhelmed and very emotional and maybe hyper “romantic” so I get let down very hard. We all left it at that. Ive never lived with anyone, I have had 2 “long term” relationships. Both very tumultuous and I hate to live alone. Im afraid I will die alone and no one would know. I wish I had been diagnosed years ago but now in middle age I have calmed down long enough to reflect on my life and to have a partner who has tried so hard to help me carr about myself better. I hope we make it. My anxiety gets flared along with his and I need to let other people have their feelings with out it being a reflection of my failure. I have allowed decades to go by because I didnt know what was wrong with me and so I never tried seriously for the things I wanted in my life. I will try to make it all worth it now. At least now I know what Ive been struggling with all this time. 20+ years later. People have gaslit me all this time so as not to deal with me. You really can only rely on yourself as a bpd. Family tends to be a little too toxic and a little to enabling to allow for enough change to shift. This is sad. I have a group I go to. I am gorrified at what Ive discovered about the last 20 yearsof my life. Misdiagnosed and ignored. I am angry but I am also grateful. At least now I have an answer to what everyone in my life knew but chose not to tell me until my 2nd committed boyfriend in my life came along when I was 42 years old and applied pressure for me to care about me. God bless us. I hope we last. I get triggered so easily. Im hoping exercise, breathing activities, mindfulness practices and maybe Wellbutrin can help with pausing reactive behaviors and quelling debilitating anxiety which at times triggers sadness. Central to it all is “anxiety”.
I have gone from bpd to quiet bpd. I have been diagnosed with adhd, bi polar 2, general anxiety, anger issues. No treatment has ever worked. Several months ago I was diagnosed with bpd. It explained everything. I have all symptoms of bpd and quiet bpd. I have 4 roommates who are couples, so 2 couples. My house hold is a severe trigger for me
i could imagine how triggering that must be i get triggered just seeing couples on the street
This is an excellent video! Have you written any books on the topic of quiet borderline personality disorder or can you recommend any books or additional educational materials?
Definitely me. Whats even more hard is my husband has bpd too
Could you do a video explaining the concept of a "favorite person" in BPD?
I would be interested in a video about the preponderance of misdiagnosis of people as BPD when they actually only have CPTSD.
on the self blame part i do see that i blame everything on myself but before that i think it is everyone elses fault. i get so upset and frustrated that no one notices that somethings wrong with me
I’m collecting information for my therapist because this describes me 1000% I hope he understands and gives me the diagnosis. I couldn’t imagine that how I feel could be described on my behalf so well.
May I ask what difference will it make if he diagnoses you or not. I'm curious as to what is the outcome of a diagnosis if you already relate with it
I'm interested in the part where you talk about how people with Q BPD can come across as lacking empathy - please can you say more about this?
What's the difference between this and narcissistic abuse syndrome where people have to turn inwards and tend to blame themselves, etc etc?
What type of therapist would you contact to determine if this is an issue? A psychiatrist vs. a therapist?
A psychiatrist is be able to diagnose
A Psychiatrist for diagnosis, but the most effective help is across multiple mental health services. Look for Dialectical Therapy to help you identify and change self-defeating thoughts and behaviours...
Maybe a video on the differences and similarities between ADD and QBPD
BPD is often a misdiagnosis of what is really Complex PTSD and should not be confused for the sake of treatment and healing.
Im too devastated by my inability to discern reality once I’m in that heightened state. I can’t stand this
what a complex diagnosis, ... i wonder what my new diagnosis will be ... i do have a few of these traits.
.. previously diagnosed by psychiatrist and recently by clinical phycologist. 2020/21 ..[ c-ptsd and non-delusional bi polar bear]
after a long wait .. my new phycologist called in sick on the very first day of our sessions. so first app. pushed back 2 weeks.
welcome to the Australian Public Health System ... [ nah ... thats a bit harsh .. we are very lucky in Oz]
I had no clue that it could lead to those other things, including some form of bipolar.(Can anyone explain that phenomenon?) My psych said I could very much have this, and after watching this video makes me think It even more. I was Diagnosed as TRD but have having Bipolar-ish side effects from anti-depressants. It's very frustrating not having any meds to take the edge off.(Been on about 20 meds so far) I don't want to believe that it could be BPD but, I do have a lot of the checkmarks for it.
I do relate to going from having an ok-ish day, to wanting to end my life over the smallest thing that wouldn't affect most people. Then about 30 minutes later cooling off, and going back up to my 'Normal'. Hopefully someone else can relate to that rollercoaster of emotion. I just want it to stop. It makes life really hard to function.
I never can tell if I fit in any description of any thing. Some yes, some no. I was diagnosed with BPD years ago. She said she knew she was right because I said that I thought that I was right about many of the arguments that I had described while trying to explain my ridiculous level of anxiety. I would like to point out that there is no point for argument if you think you are wrong. that would mean that 100 percent of all people have BPD. She did not give me a good explanation of the disorder nor did she want to treat it. She said it was incurable and I would have to learn self discipline. She called it cognitive behavior therapy, however all she did was shame me for not meeting peoples approval in every visit. The thing is I don't lie, I don't steal, manipulate, I abhor gossips, I don't like treating people badly, I simply withdraw. I never try, or give up as soon as I start seeing bad traits surface. I am at that point completely terrified that that person is going to sabotage me. Often they already are. I can't get close to anyone. Even trying to smile while I speak can be incredibly painful and I may begin to cry. I have found very few people who were willing to be honest and true with me. So most of the time there are no relationships. However I have been living with my boyfriend for 7 years and we rarely ever have problems with one another. I'm not going to say its some other worldly heaven. I just know he is here and dependable and there is no reason to threaten that or become dissatisfied over something that has been there from the beginning. I have sat down and read descriptions of things and asked do I do this, am I like that. He says no. My bad experience with the former therapist keeps me from going to anyone, but I feel she was completely wrong and a bad therapist. I have been told on multiple occasions that I should never have a relationship with anyone for any reason until I fix myself. Isn't that setting someone up for a lifetime of complete isolation?
I wonder if quite borderline personality disorder can morph into any of the other types of borderline personality disorder like Petulant over a lifetime of not getting treated/helped. I know of such a person, she was 90% like a quite one but over the last 16 years shes slowly made her way towards a Petulant type. Maybe perhaps she was always like a combination of the types but i just didnt know, understand or paid much attention because it didnt affect me negatively as much.
I was diagnosed with Major Clinical Persistent Depression and Severe Anxiety Disorder... but my doctor says the same as you, that those might be consequences rather than the cause itself... she diagnosed me with ADHD and even though the estimulant helps to focus... it does not tackle down the problem... it is under analysis the BPD as a second conditions comorbid with ADHD. I have serious problems with Anger... internal anger... people might see some smoke coming out of breath but they dont see the nukes exploding simutaneously inside me... and that is what i unconciously want... for noone to notice. I believe that you cannot eb controlled by your emotions so I repress them, in order to avoid conflicts and win in a battle of wits were a improper word or a vent of anger can actually screw you... as I feel that everyone out there is trying to get to me. So, I live in constant "defense mode" activated and walk around with the shields on all the time... it is exhausting... and with time after a sever burnout last year... I became so tired to carry on with the shield that my brain is haywire and the demons are loose... It has been a ride. I have learned to deal with it by myself... that your problems are your own and that noone cares.. so i learned deeply that i shall not trust anyone and shall not ask fro help (not even parents or friends)... I dont want to burden anyone.. as I see that others have it worst than me... and that I am weak if i ask for help... This is probably a bad mindset... I selfdoubt and selfsabotage myself... I do not harm myself physically but mentally and phychologically, abandoning and tripping myself over constantly.. unitl I abandon the goal
Amazing content. Thanks so much.
Are you able to please provide some thoughts on narcissist vs depression.
My ex wife was given anti- depressed pills. As the pills improve their mood, would it helps to reduce their narcissistic abuse
Thank you for your comment, question and suggestion for a topic. It’s something I’d have to research before answering if you’re ok to wait
@@DarrenFMagee thanks for the reply. I hope you could have a video talking about this. It would be valuable knowledge for viewers .
I've been wondering wtf is wrong with me for years. This one sounds quite close. Conflict avoidance, sacking off friends, internalising emotions. But tell me - Whenever something 'goes wrong' at work or whatever (say a conflict with someone else) my brain goes into this stressed overdrive for a solid week as though trying to solve the problem. But sometimes time is the only fix or, say in an ended relationship, it can't be fixed and my brain will just be going over and over the situation for a good week, sometimes talking to myself as though rehearsing for the next meeting with the person I've had issue with (which is utterly exhausting). It doesn't happen very frequently, however. Could that be a sign of this or something else?
This sounds to me very much like how depression was described only a couple of decades ago.