This is a response to another comment on my comments on trans youth. I was referring to plastic surgery and realize I didn’t speak specifically enough. And also just don’t know enough to say/understand that my view of plastic surgery is gonna be from a very different perspective than understanding how affirming things like feminization procedures can be. How life saving they can be your young folks. As I mentioned in the video, when I first learned about Youth Liberation I realized I had it wrong and learned a lot from Andrew. There’s definitely still a lot I have to learn so I appreciate your comments. I also understand the frustration as this is a life or death matter, but if you’re new to this channel I try to meet people in good faith and all I ask is my audience do that same.
Like everything in life, it is context dependent and that's why I dislike blanket statements like bottom surgery should never be done on minors. It is very understandable to have an approach like this especially considering how repulsive the idea is presented in society when it itself only applies to a small portion of people in the world and it is also part of this idea that children are not able to make a big decision like this because their brains are underdevelopped. We have to trust children when they decide to express a need like this, but that doesn't mean there shouldn't be hard long discussions about it, they just need to be done without any kind of prejudice. I'm so thankful for your channel, because you are a very understanding person who is honest in the way you approach hard conversations. It also helps that you are absolutely brilliant and entertaining!
Yeah, this is a tricky subject, and honestly there is a lot of disagreement even within the trans community over whether it is right for minors to get gender confirmation surgery, so I certainly wouldn't blame anyone (acting in good faith, of course) for being unsure about it. I would say one of my main frustrations about the whole moral argument over whether trans kids should be able to get surgery is that it is considered a moral argument to begin with. We don't consider a childhood appendectomy to have moral implications. Or for a more relevant example, say there was a fifteen year old girl who needed to have her breasts removed due to breast cancer. Nobody would be having a moral discussion over whether it is right for a minor to have her breasts removed, because in that case, surgery is medically necessary. It would save her life. And this is the tricky part, because there are some trans kids out there for whom surgery might be legitimately life-saving. Imagine if you had a trans teenager who suffers so much dysphoria that they can't function normally, that they are at high risk for suicide, and they have exhausted all other more traditional treatment options. In any other situation, a doctor would be inclined to agree that surgery is the best option for the patient, but because in this case the child is trans, suddenly there is a moral conundrum. Morality, or more specifically, how much trans healthcare has been politicised, is now playing a role in the treatment options that are available to that patient. The doctor now has to contend with public perception and the threat of punishment (either in the form of criminal prosecution or a civil lawsuit) in making the decision for what is best for that patient, and what treatments they are willing to give them, regardless of their best interests. This never should have happened. The public should never have been given this much power over another person's medical care, even if that person is a child. There is nobody on Earth outside of the circle of the patient, their doctor - and in the case of a child, their parents - who should be able to make those kinds of decisions. This is the main problem. We can have a discussion over whether it is morally right, or even a good idea, to let a child undergo a body modification surgery all we want, but it shouldn't impact another person's body autonomy and right to medical care. The fact is, every trans child is different, each will have different needs. There are plenty of trans kids out there, probably even the majority, who would benefit from waiting awhile before deciding whether to have a gender confirmation surgery. For instance, it is becoming much more acceptable (in trans-supportive spaces at least) for trans people to forgo bottom surgery if they don't want it, instead of being pressured into doing it for the sake of proving the legitimacy of their identity to cis people. We know now that there is another option besides changing the body parts you were born with, and giving the person time to understand how they relate to those body parts, especially in regard to s*xual relationships - which for most young people only happens when you start heading for adulthood - might be better for them. Then again, for others surgery is the only thing that will make them happy and relieve their pain. Whether or not surgery is right for a person is entirely dependent on the individual and their personal situation, and this is where trans healthcare needs improvement. Right now, trans people are faced with a system that tries to force us into this strict, one-size-fits-all approach, which is really more about doctors being able to cover themselves legally than it is about providing quality healthcare to trans patients. All trans people, children included, would benefit from an individualised approach, one that centres their specific needs. And most importantly, politics and morality should not play a role in this, just as it shouldn't play a role in any form of healthcare. Whether surgery would be appropriate for an individual trans child should be a decision made entirely by gender specialists with the best interests of their patient at heart, not politicians or lawyers or angry trolls on the internet. I hope this makes sense (and isn't too long lol). It is ultimately a difficult subject, but I think we can both agree that the wellbeing of trans children is what matters most. I do think there is merit in having a discussion on whether body modification surgeries are a good idea at a young age, if only because self-perception can be a very fickle thing, but at the same time, healthcare should also be a private matter and body autonomy is important no matter the age of the person in question.
@@ryanallen8994 I totally agree with your take and I would add that transness veing medicalized is also an issue because there are a large part of trans people who exist outside of the need for medical treatments. Also, it would be very important to educate medical staff about trans issues by trans people themselves as most doctors are cis themselves and do not understand what it means to be trans, very much like most medical staff misunderstand mental disabilities and mental illnesses to the point where they will pathologize people without actively listening to the people with the conditions themselves. It's very complex, but that's why we need to have a say in the kind of education medical staff receives because as it stands right now, a lot of them have absolutely no idea what people's realities are!
Bruh will manly looking cis women get facial feminization surgery too? Bc they’re in just as much danger as a manly looking trans woman is if they have the same appearance. Also, a lot of us wish we fit the beauty standards of our genders more. Why should the public pay for someone else’s plastic surgery? Just being trans does not mean you’re not going to fit the beauty standards of your gender. That’s up to your genetics. If you’re conventionally ugly, then so be it. Blame God or the simulation makers or whatever you believe in. If you’re “clockable” and in danger because of it, well that’s not a fact of being trans because it doesn’t apply to all trans people and it applied to a lot of cis people as well. FFS is just regular cosmetic surgery. I am not interested in paying for other people’s plastic surgery y’all are being hella selfish with this one.
@@soulsearcher7077 With respect, gender confirmation surgeries aren't just about avoiding being "clocked", they are about relieving emotional pain and improving mental well-being. And they are done when a doctor (two in the case of bottom surgeries) have declared the procedure medically necessary. That means the trans patient in that case has been declared to be in a clinically vulnerable state if they aren't able to access the surgery. In the same way as any body modification surgery, they can't just walk into a doctor's office and demand it for free right there and then. I do understand what you are saying about more cosmetic-leaning surgeries such as FFS requiring the patient to pay out of pocket, and in some cases, I would say, yes, a trans person probably should fund it themselves except in the cases of extreme dysphoria where getting that surgery would greatly improve their quality of life. If that would also improve a cis person's life in the same way, I would have no qualms whatsoever with that coming out of my taxes. I want people to be safe and happy after all. I would also like to point out that most cosmetic trans surgeries besides bottom and top surgeries are often privately funded anyway. They aren't provided for by insurance companies or the NHS in the UK, and they are never performed on minors (the age group this post is focussed on) so the argument is a little redundant. I would implore you to extend a little empathy and understanding towards people facing this situation. Sometimes cosmetic procedures are genuinely medically necessary, trans or not. What if you had someone with severe burn scars covering their body, and a skin graft surgery to bring their appearance back to the way it was before would relieve the emotional trauma they are experiencing? Again, I would want that person to have that surgery, even if it meant my taxes were paying for it. I don't know if you are cis or trans, I don't want to assume, but if you are cis then I can can understand that dysphoria isn't easy to wrap your head around. Hell, it's hard to wrap your head around it even when you experience it yourself. But it's a lot more than just not living up to beauty standards. For example, I'm a trans man and I don't at all fit the masculine ideal that cis men are supposed to live up to. I'm like Hiccup from the first How to Train Your Dragon movie lol. But I don't care about that. Transitioning for me is just about having a male body, one that actually represents who I am so that this integral part of me isn't invisible anymore. It's about healing the emotional trauma of watching my body abandon me during puberty, and the life I have had to live pretending to be someone I am not. My body doesn't have to be some masculine ideal to do that, nor do I want a body that looks like that anyway. Dysphoria is looking at your body and having absolutely no sense of connection with it, a feeling that runs so deep that, in my personal experience at least, wreaked havoc on my life and relationships. I started experiencing dissociation from my body to the point where I felt like I was existing more in my own mind than I was actively participating in my own life. Queue extreme anxiety that left me jobless, no meaningful relationships to speak of, and so little motivation I found it hard just to take care of myself. It's so bad that, even at the ripe age of twenty three, I have multiple physical health conditions that are probably permanent. Dysphoria is a very serious condition and it needs treatment. Sometimes that treatment is surgery, and it's not selfish to ask for help when any other medically necessary procedure is available to a patient (providing of course they have insurance or access to the NHS). I hope one day you can understand that there is a world of difference between plastic surgeries that people (women mostly) have been pressured into getting by societal beauty standards, and gender confirmation surgeries which are a medical treatment for a serious problem that has life-long ramifications if it is not fixed.
I actually feel that ageism against the elderly tends to be a bit more built around beauty, and or accessibility. It tends to lean towards an intersection of ageism and misogyny, as well as ageism and ableism.
I agree, the elderly are seen as a burden and drain on society or they are simply invisible. Ageism has a different component with women. Ad women start to lose their youthful allure men treat them with far less respect than b4, maybe even disdain. Women in their mid forties report feeling again, either invisible in society, or have felt contempt from men they have not experienced before. That's sadly because men consider women aged and useless when they hit their forties. And the disdain gets worse for women as they become older. At least gentleman are treated the same until they actually do become elderly.
Haven't watched the vid yet but.... in the USA I see devaluation of elderly also stemming from the rapid changes in technology and language. Like all this consumerism has led to the planned obsolescence of our elders as well as our phones.
Videos like this are challenging for me when I reflect on my own practices as a teacher of undeserved black youth, and even with my children. It's funny cause I considered myself one of the "good ones" but I also still definitely have and still participate in a "domestication" practice and I'm seeing the resulting problems that come from that. Thankfully I have a lot of flexible resources, so when things started to get bad I was able to address it. But I know from experience that so many families don't have access to the resources needed to address these problems so they get the belt... and the belt doesn't work.
I think one of the best things that parents, teachers, etc. can do and model for young people is that we can be wrong, we are infallible. I make mistakes (yelling), but now, I apologize when I do it, and I ask my kids to call me out on my behaviors. The fact you are self-aware and self-reflecting means you are already much further along than most.
@@Feliciations I remember the first time my oldest called me out. I was mad then I was like oh wait... I taught him to do this. Guess i got to do better then lol!
@@Feliciations I just got called out by my 5 year old because I was pressuring her yo finish her breakfast even tho she said she is full. I had to remove myself and tell her I will apologize to her I just need a min😅😅😅
Ageism against the elderly (not disrespecting boomers, I’m talking being mean to the grandmas) is absolutely inseparable from ableism. Dementia jokes, assumptions of incapability due to mental or bodily frailty; the whole dismissal of the elderly is largely due to the stigma around the disabilities that come with getting older. Yes, there’s fear of death tied up in there too, but to ignore the underlying ableism is a tremendous disservice.
Yes thank you fro bringing that up because I felt that part was too dismissive. Elderly people are often seen as disposable in society because they are often disabled or less abled and thus are not as able to contribute to or seen as less valuable in a capitalistic society. I feel the ageism argument is two sides of the same coin -- who are easy targets in society and easier for those who have more power and privilege to control.
And those septegenarian politicians in power have tons of young assistants to do a majority of their leg work even if they are themselves intelligent and capable, so there's this further illusion that "boomers" have a kind of authority by association because of bootstraps mentality when in reality they had help.
Great point here. Internalized ableism makes aging an absolute nightmare. Makes people too stubborn and afraid to care for themselves properly using tools to help their quality of life/save their lives. Social ableism that makes people who can afford to build entire old person quarantine zones instead of just integrating them into the rest of society
Can we take a moment to appreciate how Khadija platforms other amazing minority creators? Seeing FD and now a fellow Caribbean content creator like St. Drew on here just softens my heart 🥺 even putting my video on their community tab that really helped my videos surface when the algorithm wasn't helping - we have a magnanimous Aunty and I absolutely stan dem for helping create a better community for content creators of colour ❤️🙏🏾
by the way, Khadija uses they/them pronouns. I discovered your content through your comments on Khadija's video. It is great seeing the essays from the large black diaspora.
@@potato5602 🤦🏾♂️ i know better lol 😭 Khadija ga kill me fi dat. I use "dey/dem" for dem but my pronoun game is a work in progress so thank you so much. Didn't even realize it
I won’t kill you as I know these things take practice! But thank you for all your kind words. It’s really nice building an online community with such amazing creators
I am raising a 5 year old girl and a 2 year old boy and every day I find my self fighting to not use the tactics that was used against me as a kid. whew! the internal fight is real and breaking generational curses is so hard but someone has to start. I want my kids to be able to just LIVE as a human beings who want to seek joy and fullfillment without being forced to bend to society’s wills and trends. this video was much needed and I will rewatch it again but the first time kinda hurt wow😅
Me too! I was raised with the belt, paddle, and fly swatter. I have chosen not to do that with my kids. I am so glad that i haven’t because some frustrating behaviors my kids have exhibited has turned out to be side affects of adhd and autism. My mom would say they were just being “defiant” at age three and four, but i felt like their was something else going on and i am so glad i didn’t follow her example of punishment. Now we have a good relationship and they have an open mind to try tools (like journaling, therapy, and medication) to help them learn to regulate their own emotions.
hi. not a parent and I am NOT about to tell a stranger who didn't ask advice on how to raise a child. But in regards to having to fight against what you've been taught, have you considered therapy? I had a really traumatic childhood (including physical abuse disguised as "discipline") and I'm kind of reparenting myself right now. Therapy for the past year and a half has been able to help me to work through that internal fight but it's an ongoing journey. Something to consider. I recommend therapy to everyone now lol but I also recognize even being able to afford it is a huge privilege.
as an autistic young person I feel that the treatment of young people is detrimental to the wellbeing of neurodivergent, especially autistic people. Growing up all my traits considered odd and unnatural were mocked or forced out of me by authority figures in my life. I have been masking to a high degree since I was very young meaning at first my parents didn't believe me when I thought I might be autistic. Luckily I have received a diagnosis recently and this has helped me begin to unlearn the toxic behaviours I have been taught by adults however many autistic people in less fortunate situations don't have the privilege of being able to get diagnosed. idrk where I was going with this so just something that came to mind whilst watching this.
Yes I totally get you!! I had so many meltdowns when I was younger due to being constantly overwhelmed and stressed and confused and my parents literally beat me for screaming and having meltdowns because they saw this as 'misbehaving' and then I got more stressed and it just made it worse and it turned into a viscous cycle. Then there are less intense things like being told off for figiting and not giving eye contact. Also when I would ask for clarification on instructions in school I would be told off for not listening when really I just didn't understand the instructions in the way they're presented.
I was diagnosed when I was young (I was 9) and my family *still* has a hard time with realizing that I have sensory issues, so I get that. Same with the masking.
I work with this lady who (I think?) is 77, and shes always impressed me by being open to change. She calls our trans coworkers by their correct pronouns, talks about learning about social justice and it's just really admirable that she is still open to learning about new things at her age. I genuinely hope to be like her when I'm older. The older generation can learn from the younger generation and vice versa.
I'm so glad we were able to tackle and bring light to this sensitive and important topic. Thanks for working with me on this wonderful video! Edit: for those who ask (they usually do😂) yes, I'm Trini
Also, about the point regarding schoolteachers being previously allowed to hit kids for breaking rules: it’s true that they more often than not can’t physically hurt you. Instead, it’s usually substituted with: - Standing really, really close to you - Loud noises (yelling, whistling, etc.) - A combination of both of those - “Back in my day, we were allowed to hit you for that” - Hitting/shoving personal belongings of the student in question (such as pushing their notebook off of their desk, or slamming a textbook shut in their faces) - Throwing/pushing tables without aiming for a person - If it’s a gym class, extra exercising (often without regard to medical concerns) - And of course, good ol’ psychological/emotional abuse (“you’re making that up”, “you only feel that way because you’re younger/on your period/your parents secretly hate you/etc.”, “don’t cry, you’re not a kindergartener, are you?”, facilitating bullying without consequences if someone “deserves it”, various -isms and -phobias being weaponized at students, etc.) (Maybe I just was in a school that was too country to be regularly checked by the school board.) School-based abuse is often ignored if it isn’t physical or sexual, for some reason. If someone who you live with can be emotionally or psychologically abusive, surely someone who you don’t live with but are made to be around almost daily can do the same.
when I was in high school, I had a math teacher with a really twisted sense of humor. He had a yard stick (which must have been ancient because Canada switched to the metric system in the 60s) that he would joke about beating us with for misbehaving. The yard stick the words "The Enforcer" written on it in sharpie.
An old teacher of mine would take the backpack of someone and turn it upside down if they said they couldn‘t find their homework. Same with the tables. It was so fucked up. Also teachers forcing you to glue their papers into your exercise book and lifting them up and letting everything fall to the ground just because, like that‘s just so petty…
When I was little, I had a daycare teacher who abused me emotionally and borderline neglected me. For 7 years. I dont see enough people talk about emotional abuse in schools and how it can really fuck you up.
When I was in 3rd grade, my teacher threw my desk into the courtyard and had me sit by myself outside because I was talking too much. Also in 2nd grade, because I stole books from the scholastic fair, every time smth went missing in class, my teacher would go through my lunchbox and backpack. It was actually really shitty and I still remember being so embarrassed and then getting hit at home because that teacher would call my dad and tell them I'm stealing or lying again....anyways reading your comment reminded me of those times. Mrs. Buchen and Mr. Witt- thanks y'all
To add to your list: Model apologizing when you make mistakes. If you get upset, yell, say something rude, etc to your child, apologize to them. Show them how to take accountability for their mistakes by taking accountability for your own.
And when apologizing, you must really commit to not doing it again, because if you keep doing it and keep apologizing, children see that apologies mean nothing to you, and accountability means nothing to you, and they have no guarantee of safety. My mom would have so many tears, but I didn’t want tears, I just wanted her to not hit me again.
This resonates so much with me. I was shamed, abused and beaten by my 'family' for being a queer child. Now as a trans queer woman who suffers with anxiety and depression, and has no relationship with her parents or extended family, I often relect on thier behaviour and i resent them to the point of hatred. Such hatred is not healthy, and I've tried to educate them over the years, but to no avail. My only hope is that the children of the future can overcome such abuse and thrive, effecting genuine change. Thank you Khadija x
The anger that feels like hate can really be part of love because you know that person’s potential and they’ve disappointed you and don’t want to work on themselves. I think it’s a righteous anger. But I understand at this point it’s almost indistinguishable from hate cuz it feels so bad. Or it could really just be hatred toward their behavior. A strong sense of justice is always good though
I'm often told that I'm "good with kids" when really I just treat them like people (because they are). I ask for their consent, I ask for their preferences and opinions, I see them as equals. I think about myself as a child and remember how I felt patronized by adults. I felt like adults assumed I was stupid, like I couldn't understand or hear what they were saying to each other. I remember feeling that most adults were duplicitous. I listened to what they said to one another, the tone they used and how they changed their game when they spoke to me. Recently, I met my partner's nephew and all of the adults around insisted he hugged me goodbye. When he hesitated, the other adults insisted. And I said "you just met me, if you're not comfortable hugging me that's totally cool! I'll se you next time :)" and I feel like the other adults were frustrated with my respect of this kid's autonomy. I think the same is true of older folks, I see a lot of people pretending they're not in the room, not caring about their opinions. They're ignored. It is something I'm really sensitive to, that I am frustrated about in this world. Thank you for making this video :)
That hug thing is huge. Kids literally are forced to accept having their physical and emotional boundaries disregarded consistently. One thing I find that’s often paired with the hugging thing is forcing them into uncomfortable situations in the form of “manners.” Often times it goes way beyond manners and they’ll hound kids for not talking to a family member they’re uncomfortable with. In my childhood it was forcing me to introduce myself to people even when I was dealing with horrible social anxiety, and my parents still don’t understand what I mean by it. I got into a disagreement with my mom about her being angry about my young cousin not speaking up or going mute when he meets people. I tried explaining to her how kids don’t OWE people that, they deserve to have their boundaries put first. I even argued with my parents on the issue of corporal punishment and it exploded, despite them making strides in many areas I’ve realized it’s so normalized culturally(both in my community and the US in general) that it’s one of the hardest things to get them to see.
One day my daughter and her friends were sitting around talking about the worst beatings they had gotten from their parents. When it got to her turn she looked horrified and said my mom doesn't do that! She came home and thanked me for allowing her autonomy over her body and not using physical force against her when she has done something wrong. I argued a lot with my parents and elders in my life for years about not spanking my child, but now that she is older I'm glad I made the decisions I did. My daughter trusts me, tells me personal things most children keep from their parents, and she listens willingly because she knows I'm not overbearing or judgmental.
I hope more and more parents will make this same decision that you did. You and your daughter will likely continue to have a much better relationship than those other parents do with their children.
"Children are inexperienced little people who you can partner with and guide as they develop their understanding of the world." That's a whole word and sermon in and of itself! So glad to see this partnership between two of my favorite CZcamsrs. A great conversation and happy to have learned some new things!
The points about wearing a mask are fascinating to me. The autistic community - and specifically late-diagnosed autistics - talk a lot about "masking." I don't know how it makes me feel, but it sure does make me feel something to think of this as a wider issue. The idea of having a barrier between you and the world, because your thoughts and feelings are so controlled and repressed, is real and spiritually crushing. My parents were in no way authoritarian, and I still ended up with this introjected authority controlling me. I can't imagine how children who are purposely "trained" feel... And how black autistic people are crushed under both racism and ableism, and of course ageism. Hard video to watch, but so important.
I'm autistic, and masking is.. it's like you're a whole different person while you're in a conversation, because you have your usual mannerisms and you don't do them bc they're weird and 'unseemly', until eventually it just becomes the default. The norm. And when you have a relationship in your life that you don't have to mask with, it gets rlly hard.
As a 15 year old with West African parents this resonated so much with me! My parents are less strict than most but I still feel like I've put up these mental blocks where I'll be disagreeing with my dad and I come to a point where I force myself to stop talking back because I know when I want him to buy me smth it'll come up. Like "You weren't arguing when I bought you x". I love my parents but I don't they realize how anxious it's made me abt wanting anything from anyone.
It's hard for people to admit how their parents mistreat them, or even emotionally abuse them, but it's important to be honest with ourselves about it, and not downplay their crap. It's the only way we can better understand the damage they've done to us, as well as not copy their behavior.
Its like we’re living the same life. I’m west african as well (🇨🇲) and i can count the whoopings i’ve recieved on one hand. My parents aren’t the stereotypical violent african parents but they are the type that dont let you disagree and are strict for the most part. So i feel like i can’t have a constructive conversation w them or an individual opinion. When i was a kid they usually used the threat of beatings, threats of being shipped off, the silent treatment, or just yelling verbal insults at us (which still put the fear of making mistakes in me and my siblings). And when they were wrong they rarely apologized, just bought us pizza. My siblings and I don’t feel like we can break the mold of the “perfect child” nor can we express our full selves to our parents emotionally or intellectually bc anytime we tried we were shot down basically. Lol and they try to be like “you know you can talk to us” but it always ends up w them preaching at us
@@iona6558 Yes, exactly! I always got those long lectures after any disagreement and I've seen how they wear down on me and my older brother to the point where it's not worth bothering to try to explain yourself and you just want to shut down. You basically do it to spare their ego and emotions. I hope we all find a way to unlearn those ideas cus I think they'll only hurt us in life. Wishing you the best ❤️
I'm an expert in my own experience. My son is an expert in his experiences. Where our experiences overlap and gap, we can teach each other. I always let my son make as many of his own choices as was safely possible, and stopped to discuss his concerns and ideas. Let him come to his own conclusions. My job was to allow him to learn who he was and how to think instead of what to think and who to be. It was very tough at times, and it was very time consuming at times, but so rewarding. He's 24 now and we're still a team. He has his own life and I have mine, but we still value each other's opinions and support. I grew up fundamentalist christian, and at 42 I'm still struggling with the crippling affects of being raised an empty vessel only to be filled with someone else's will. I didn't go to college because the world was about to end and paradise didn't need computer techs or psychologists. I didn't learn money management or interpersonal skills because a husband would handle all that. I was spanked instead of explained to, because I didn't need to know why I just needed to obey. As a result, I went out into the world very angry and ignorant. I got taken advantage of, I struggled to find meaningful employment or even to stand up for myself. All the knowledge and experience I should have gotten within the safer guardrails of growing up, I had to navigate blindly alone as an adult. Don't hobble your kids, let then run while they have you to watch over them.
I think ageism against younger people isn't really discussed enough or at all. I'm also curious about your thoughts on ageism against old people, especially when it comes to us being reminded of our own mortality.
My parents are South Asian and used to be beat me a lot as a kid, it didn't help that I struggled a lot with anger issues (probably due to other traumas I had). I remember when I was around 10-11, and I was throwing a fit- I learned to throw fits in my room with the door locked bc I knew it would prevent me from hurting others or causing a scene in the rest of the house, but I also knew it wouldn't allow my dad to come beat me bc I knew he hated my fits, as I hard as I tried to control them-anyway when I was 11, my dad came to beat me with these wooden poles we had (they would leave bruises), and I actually blocked his hand and started to fight him back. Then my mom got mad at me for "disrespecting" him. Ha. By the way my relationship with my parents improved over the years, not perfect but much much better, and I still love them a lot, they help out financially a lot, I know they care, and now knowing the own traumas they went through, I have a lot more empathy (it doesn't justify their beating but I have a better understanding about their intentions). But I think I also learned to mold myself into who they want me to be whenever I'm around them. It wasn't until I went off to college that I even understood the concept of self-discovery.
I’m sorry. I had extreme anger fits at home too. It’s sad that we have to hide our natural reactions to abuse so we don’t get abused more. My parents help me financially, which is partially because of autistic burnout from things unrelated to their abuse, but also very much a result of their abuse.
nice to hear another south asian perspective. i know we have different experiences with our parents raising our hands on us than the convention. i hope you’re better now. ❤️❤️
This comment feels like someone just snuck into my house and observed my relationship with my parents, lol. It's really relatable (minus the beating, my parents just yelled extra loud because they didn't believe in hitting). And because of it, I never really learned to process anger in a healthy manner or talk about my feelings with others - if I did that growing up, I was punished for being disrespectful or told that I was overexaggerating and had no struggles to worry about because "you didn't pay the bills and you don't do anything for this household." To this day, I hold on to my anger/grudges and have a hard time forgiving and letting go. I can't communicate my emotions that well either. I have a complicated relationship with my parents because I really do love them and appreciate all they've done for me, and they're not monsters 24/7, but there are things I wish they did better.
I've never understood how adults could hate and mock children so much. Do they not remember what it was like? To constantly be unheard or laughed at and glossed over? When I was a child I promised myself I would never forget that, that'd I'd never become like one of those adults. And I'm not now, but so many people around me are. Children are the only people who don't possess "human rights", but instead their own "childrens rights". This is in some ways necessary, such as to prevent jail sentences when not of sound mind, but also allows for so many exploits. As a child of domestic abuse entering a family law court system, I had no voice. An independant childrens lawyer could not see me until I was so many yyears old, by which time so much of the abuse had already occurred. I could speak very well by the age of 2, but what use was it if no one would hear? When I did meet with children's lawyers, it was clear they were neither independant, nor acting in my best interests. They asked of course, what I wanted, who to stay with, my abuser or my parent. They also made very clear that what I said had no sway. "mummy won't be happy, daddy won't be happy, no one will get their way" "can you instruct your lawyer? no" that answer was so shocking to me. What was the point of it then, who would speak for me if I couldn't? When the lawyer brought up my admission of abuse, it was dismissed immediately. "I don't believe her". Anything I could say was either "coaching" or unable to be proven, they refused evidence from before they would even let me speak to an ICL. I was one of the lucky children, I did get to live without my abuser entirely. So many others have been killed. When you get to highschool, there is a presumption of naivety and innocence. Not every child had that privelege, some have experienced worse trauma than adults. When I was suicidal, it was "just an emo phase", when I was asexual, I was "too young to understand yet", when I spoke out about the stress and pressure of education systems I was "teenage rebellion". "1 in 4 year 12 students are depressed" our PDHPE teacher said, and moved on like it was our responsibility to take care of our mental health, instead of fighting for change to cure the root of the issue. When you are a child, everything is always changing, we are in constant flux. Adults have grown stagnant, have come to fear change, they cannot see the broken cogs swirling around them, crushing in around them. I know what lurks in their hearts, a bitter, jealous, superiority complex hiding insecurity. Why they laugh at children. Because if they can remain powerless, they will remain powerful. They have grown to hate that younger version of themselves, when they were "cringe" and unembarrased and naive because they have learnt their lesson. Childish behaviour is bullied out of you, and you join the hatred to avoid it. You have to learn to love the part of you who was cringeworthy, and also the part of you that cringes. And please, please, listen to children when they are screaming to be heard.
There’s a movement in the parenting circles that pushing pretty much how to parent like you talked about but under different names such as “gentle parenting,” “respectful parenting,” “RIE,” “authoritative parenting.” Montessori is also a way of teaching and parenting that emphasizes teaching little children independence and is gaining popularity. Millennials and older Gen Z with their own CPTSD are trying to end the old ways of using punishment and fear to control children. There’s a lot of them educating on the subject on TikTok, CZcams, and other spaces online. Including Black creators.
while you two have completely different approaches to videomaking, your outlooks and opinions are often very similar, you were truly meant to collab together someday... I'd like to add that disabled adults, especially those with speech or mental disorders, are still infantilized well into adult age. So many horror stories of autistic adults being subjected to physical and psychological violence just because they happen to not behave like the neurotypical adult...
I can say for a fact that being spanked as a young child still impacts my relationship with my mother. I've also been witness to corporal punishment of a teenager, and it's something that still bothers me now. When you hit someone, they associate YOU with the pain, not whatever actions preceded the pain.
Thank goodness for my mother and her parenting style. Obedience to her didn't mean blindly following, and respect to her didn't mean never objecting or suggesting an alternative. She also was never afraid to admit a mistake or weakness to me, and her and I talked about nearly everything. It made me see her as a human with flaws, emotions, and struggles rather than an authority figure to rebel against. Because of this, I did my best for her because I loved her, not because I was afraid of her. We were a team, trying to do the best we could for one another. Who knew she was so ahead of her time.
A thing I read or someone told me (was it you who said this? Maybe it was) that completely changed my negative attitude on children was, “Children are one of the most marginalized people. They have very little say in what they can or can’t do most of the time, and their day to day is controlled by others in power over them.” And as a person who was starting to decolonize my mind this definitely struck a chord. This reminded me of the constant feeling of powerlessness at home and in school. It made me really rethink how I approach kids and youth in general.
On childrearing, I'd also like to point out that another factor is social pressure. When my coworkers asked if I'd be spanking my son, I said no. They then proceeded to treat me like a horrible human being, with one in particular implying that my son would turn out to be a murderer because I was choosing not to spank him. After that, I just avoided talking to anyone about the subject again.
I am a high school teacher and I so agree with every bit of this essay. I love my gen z kiddos. They are brilliant and really engaged with the world, and perfectly capable of reason and reasoned decision-making. After 19 years of teaching, I can say that teen years are really hard--everyone tells you to act like an adult but still treats you like a kid. But treating my students with the respect I hope to receive from them, listening to them, letting them explain if they act out (almost always it's something worth hearing), and making a space that is safe and loving is much more effective than sending them down that detention/suspension/referral pipeline. I especially loved the point of being open to explaining why--and being willing to change a rule if you can't explain it. That has always been they way I teach and parent.
Gawd and 24 and "children are meant to be seen not heard" still haunts me. legit ruined my life 😂 my aunt and mother to this day are shocked and offended by how little I socialize with them to this day
I found out that my parents pretty much raised me in the way you say you should raise your children, and basically never did anything of the "bad" things. It is a good thing to know that my parents are enlightened boomers
Thank you for this. I literally have never seen this topic addressed in quite this way. I believe the last (and I say this because I think it is too deeply entrenched in every society) human rights issue will be for children to have agency. I don't think I will see it in my lifetime.
I was the (almost) perfectly domesticated. It wasn't until I went to boarding school met my best friend, who rejects everything socialized, that I understood that that is what I was undergoing even though I didn't have a name for it yet. Edit: I love seeing you, Khadija, acknowledge your own limitations and learn something new. As an observer, witnessing your learning process, the re-socialization (is what I'll call it) for me, is that much more profound. Edit 2: (37:07) "Don't confuse your inconvenience when they make mistakes with actual danger." ~ Saint Andrewism
My childhood was sparkled with physical and psychological abusé. My brain protect me, but my body and my mind remember everything. For à long time, nobody cant hug me, hold me, touching was such an unsupportable feeling. I had social anxiety and body dismorphia , results of all of this, And when we went to covid quarantine, everything came back, triggered, messy and hurtful memories , from 1 year old, to teenage years, to adulthood’s memories... i thought i was going to lose my mind. The anger i was feeling gave me vertigo.... i am working now to heal the children i was, and to build the adult i want to be. To anyone suffering from crazy childhood’s treatments, find helps. You deserve peace. And love,
When I was younger than I am now. I would get spanked it stopped, for a while then it happened again because of talking back I was 12 or so. The most recent one was because I was taking long to clean my room, and I was on my phone to pick good music to clean too She ran stomped to my room, and slapped me then I grabbed her shoulder because I was falling back and she got angrier saying it was disrespectful. I love my mom but her actions hurt so much. I don't remember the pain from what happened I don't remember most if not all my childhood if that's my brain protecting me idk, but it makes it easier to forgive somewhat..and always forget.
I myself am religious as a Muslim, However I have had to unlearn a lot of things that has been forced into me, I am still Muslim because I love the community and the lifestyle. I have also had a lot of ex-muslim and LGBTQ friends as well. I have found out that I will only ever enforce my religion on myself, I have no future plans to do it to my children or anybody in that matter, I will make an effort to educate them about religions in general. I love how this video really just encapsulates my whole childhood. I had a moment where my whole "safe space" fell into ruins. I have found that the time I have felt most strongest and the most stable is when I have been religious from my own will with no body to enforce it on me. As long as i keep to myself I am not hurting society or other people's beiliefs I can still have the safe space I have made for myself today. I think that is a lesson alot of religious people have to believe. Me perspective on religion to create peace and not turmoil. I still have a lot to learn which is why I love to watch these videos.
One of the many migrane-inducing things I learned in law school is, in U.S., age discrimination in the workplace is only illegal if the person being discriminated against is over 40 years old. If you are under 40 and being discriminated against based on age there is no federal codified remedy for you. (Age Discrimination Act of 1967)
A bit on the side, ageism against older people isn't just jokes on boomers and general youth independence from their parents' generation though? I mean sure it's used a lot in that sense but if you really look into it it has a lot more to do with the disregard for older people, especially older women in society. Older people aren't deemed productive members of society because many of them are disabled, are left to the side and women are deemed "past their prime" really young into their lifetime. It translates into direct career impact too! Not even talking about industries promoting aging as an ugly side effect of life that needs to be controlled. As a young person I had really only considered ageism towards young people until I talked to some amazing older women and realised it was so normal to see it happen to older people it didn't phase me!
Well said. It's really a cruel skeleton in our culture's closet and such abuse robs both the older and the younger members of our society of meaningful contributions of older women.
@@odin4306 Ableism ties into so many prejudices. Like women being the "weaker sex", not being rational and so not deserving agency. Or indigenous folks being "backwards" or "lazy" and needing the patronizing white colonizer to tell them how to live. And they feed off of each other too, like how a lot of modern psychiatry has its roots in strategies to forcibly Christianize native americans and divest them of their culture and spirituality -- so that's racism informing ableism. And of course nowadays all of these are exacerbated by capitalism which desperately wants everyone to be interchangeable, efficient, discardable automatons. I have been really glad to learn about ableism over this past year or two, I feel like people have been a lot louder about it or maybe I just wasn't listening before.
Love this! I feel so much ageism against people getting older is linked to ableism and worse for women because of sexism (and more issues i can't dive into here) but I love this take on the fact the youth are targeted against continually, the structures in place are literally around conformity not around positive change and progress because there's so much gatekeeping intentionally put in place to try to keep young people down
It’s still sad how a lot of young people are asking for people to be treated with less distinctions and prejudice but because it’s so baked in to find being cruel or finding reducing personhood funny or using people’s identities (I’m not saying you can’t criticize someone because they are an identity but it has to be founded from that individual person’s actions and context) but it’s still not something that person would do if they were met with someone they regarded as some kind of authority. How many of our parents tell us to shut up when we were legitimately being treated terribly? Like my sibling has this face or mask that makes me saddened to see that they accept it a little bit. I have always been able to articulate myself and pull evidence to the adults that have come after me, but really is frustrating to be seen as stupid by asking for decent treatment of not only yourself but of others. I don’t see the authority of an adult sitting away in an office, I see their personal actions so I never shut up after I have been pushed too far, I fight back and that makes me much stronger than my own parents when I have been hurt, OPENLY!!!
a lot of young people, young activists especially, receive a lot of hate for trying to do the right thing, its why i hate living on this earth, speaking up about issues just leads to pain but they have no other choice but to keep pushing.
It genuinely warms my heart to see (racialized) Black folks working together. Y'all do this in a way that makes clear how we move through the world differently. I don't see collaborations like this from other communities, especially among larger and smaller creators. It seems like such a small thing but it truly does make me emotional...with some help from these damn hormones. 2nd puberty is a trip.
I actually am just beginning my second trimester (first pregnancy) and found this relevant on a new level. I love the idea of collaborating with your kid. Knowing we are both learning and will make mistakes. This is a massive departure from how I was raised and I am excited by the possibilities…that maybe it’s not inevitable that I will *screw up* my kid.
This was a FABULOUS video and I learnt so much!!! 1. Ageism definitely makes it hard for us to acknowledge that children (including teenagers as they're older kids) are human beings with their own thoughts, feelings and autonomy. Random example but I remember telling some of my workmates that when I was a child I didn't like certain kids shows because they were cringe and cheesy. And they all thought it was funny and unbelievable that at the age of 5 to 11 years old I could feel uncomfortable by kids shows. 2. Equally sometimes I do get surprised by some of the smart stuff I said or wrote as a child. Even though I shouldn't because children are not Inherently ignorant. 3. And lastly the ageism used when it comes to kids apart of the LGBTQIA community or kids who may not even be monogamous is TRUE! Like why is a child who is trans too young to know that they're trans but for me who is a cisgender girl who is also feminine (not all girls are feminine hence why I stated that point) it's not too young for me to play with dresses or dress up games or even be thinking about marriage and children? Come and see the double standard 😑
Awesome! This was an eye-opening video and I love the collab between you and Andrewism!! As a gen-z er myself, one thing I’ve often struggled with is that older generations simultaneously don’t respect us and put pressure on us to fix everything-or, at least, that’s my experience with many people. Often I just feel so pressured to fix everything that nothing ends up happening! Anyone else feel this way??
'My parents believed that they were bringing me up, but they actually destroyed me, just as they destroyed my brother and my sisters. Instead of talking about bringing me up, they should have talked about bringing me down. Thanks to their upbringing, which was purely and simply a process of destruction, as I have said, everything in my mind was mutilated beyond recognition, to borrow a phrase that is normally used in a different context.' 'All you see when you look back is this gaping void. Not only your childhood, but the whole of your past, is a gaping void. This is why it’s best not to look back. You have to understand that you mustn’t look back, if only for reasons of self-protection, I thought. Whenever you look back into the past, you’re looking into a gaping void. Even yesterday is a gaping void, even the moment that’s just passed. ' -Thomas Bernhard, Extinction
I used to not see myself as a person because I was just a kid and I had to wait until I was an adult to be a true real person, but one of your videos a while back helped me to realize I don’t want to have to wait until later to be myself. My opinions are real opinions and my thoughts and feelings are real I shouldn’t have to “wait until I’m older” to be a valid person.
Elder Millennial here: While we probably (definitely) could’ve used more parental presence in our lives, I think much of Gen-X before me, and Elder Millennials / “Zennials” parented ourselves. We came home to empty houses, self-regulated ourselves regarding homework snd waking up for school, etc, and much of our relationships with our parents were in passing at home, or via check in calls to them at work. I think because of this, we were treated more like “little adults” from a pretty young age (given the responsibility on our shoulders), and had less of a “seen and not heard” policy within our families, as we were running our households. As an only child I practically lived alone in junior high as my mom worked overnights, and slept while I was at school, this was our “normal “. I’d be interested to hear what others around my age (37) or older (or with older siblings) think. ❤️💛💙
Accurate. I'm towards the end of millenials (25) and my sister is 31. She basically ran the house for us growing up because my mom worked nights and my dad lived elsewhere. We never had any adult supervision and we self regulated..
*Gen X (in the first line) As a Gen Xer and a former latchkey kid, I agree. I'm still rather amazed that I walked to and from school by myself when I was 6 years old. I was given my own house key. Many of my memories from childhood are of me playing with my toys in my room by myself. My only real rule was that I had to leave a note where I was. I've felt pretty invisible for most of my life. I really identified with Ally Sheedy's character in Breakfast Club.
@@lynnhettrick7588 good catch on the first line, thank you (my mind dictates faster than my fingers type!). 😆 I grew up the same way; single mom, only child, parented myself, check in with my mom via phone call while she was at work, be home before dark. I knew all the important phone numbers (thank goodness, as my dad once abandoned me at the park on purpose 🙄), had house keys, and always played alone, quietly. I had material objects to keep me busy, and way too much freedom from age 4 - 18, but no time with my parent(s), no attention. Now that I’m an adult, I prefer being solo more than having company (even my husband knows, but he gets it). ❤️💛💙
I came from a household that believed in the belt, but not from my actual parent. I was almost never explained anything. My mom never put hands on me and never had to because she talked to me and let me know what upset her and why. Have this dichotomy talk me a lot about children and how they learn. I used this to help the kids I watched and their parents. I gave them options and conversations and understanding. I taught them compromise. I love my tiny monsters learning to become people and I hope those people will be good people.
due to my own experience growing up with my mother and seeing how she treats my sister raising her sons, I decided I don't want to have children. seeing the power that adults have over children in developing their psyche, it absolutely frightens me to have that kind of responsibility. yet I'm still part of my nephews' lives, so I'm not completely off the hook. it's made me very aware of how I act and talk to them as I try to model good behavior while showing them respect. I really hope I can be the kind of adult they feel safe to talk to as they get older.
"I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependant on frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words... When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly disrespectful and impatient of restraint." A quote courtesy of Hesiod, writing all the way back in the 8th century BC. Even the ancient Greeks liked to partake in the time-honoured tradition of bashing the younger generation. I think it really just speaks to our fear of change, which is inevitable with each new generation. That's just how society works. It does always make me laugh though when I hear older people (or the tabloids, ugh) complain about "kids these days" as if they've spoken something clever or revolutionary, but in reality they've just upheld what is probably one of the most predictable patterns of human behaviour that exists. Great analysis and an interesting angle on this topic that I hadn't considered before. I've only come across your channel fairly recently, but it's fast become one of my favourites. You've taught me so much and made me a better ally, so thank you for that :)
A kid once told me that I'm her favourite of her sister's friends because I treat her like a person instead of like a little kid, and I think about that a lot
honestly we are challenging dominant narratives about sex though because "biological sex" itself as a narrative is also a very strict binary that very heavily emphasizes on colonial standards about what exactly constitutes a male or a female (and then forces intersex children into one of two categories through coercive and harmful measures) and still has a white view of the world that doesn't allow for the diversity of sex characteristics that people actually have
Thank you for making this video! I'm a teaching assistant apprentice and this has given me a lot to think about within my own practice and the wider school context
this reminds me so much of that tweet that goes "i have felt permanently guilty for no reason since i was like 8 years old" and that one user who quoted it saying "tell me you're catholic without telling me you're catholic"
This is one of the most enlightening pieces of media I've had the privilege of consuming, ever. I feel like so much of myself, and my experiences makes sense now. So many dots have connected for me after watching this video. Thank you for putting out such a thoughtful, well-informed, and compassionate perspective on these issues I'm sure so many of us can deeply relate to. Bravo. 👏👏👏✨✨✨
Listening to the consequences of ageism made me feel so seen regarding my childhood experiences as a Nigerian growing up with strict parents, teachers, preachers, etc. Being "disciplined" in classrooms and at home with physical beatings and punishments created in me a submissive approach to so many things. I'm learning to be more curious and assertive in pursuing my passions but there are moments where I'd want authoritative figures in my life to give me permission to do things. I've also noticed how I'd resent how free my cousins who grew up in the US are with responding to their parents and talking so unfiltered-ly. I'd feel so resentful because it reminds me of how more confident and assertive I'd have been now if I had that freedom growing up. I'm learning to let go of that resentment and be grateful that my younger siblings and cousins are having it relatively easy. I'm also learning to look forward now, not with regret, but with the hope that my future and present doesn't have to reflect the harshness of my past. Thank you for inspiring and uplifting videos like this Khadija!
honestly thank you so much for making this. I can't even begin to express how many time in my life iv'e been gaslight and told my opinions aren't valid simply because i'm young and i'm truly sick and tired.
Lovedddd this and i mostly agree Growing up in Zimbabwe its very common to grt spanked but never to hurt but to discipline though I've made the decision to not descipline my own children in the same way And the part about religion is honeslty us humans twisting and turning God's word.children should be given room to ask and be curious and even doubt because God is all knowing he doesn't fear our questions but people are scared that they'll answer wrongly or they're too proud to admit they don't know,as beleivers we have to accept that we'll never really be able to explain God,hes so much greater and beyond the scope of our brains and knowledge
i'm so glad you choose to not discipline by pain! though it does seem to "work" for some people, it really does instill fear and submission and normalise violence instead of getting children to really listen to your lessons and advice.
Also beating is SOOO INEFFECTIVE as it doesn't teach your children why not do certain things. All it encourages is your child doing these exact same behaviours ,you disciplined them, for in secret or when they become adults and you can't physically beat them anymore. Literally just talk to your child your children are capable of understanding different concepts
Yeah my parents learned as a child i was taught about abuse in school so my parents got scared to even beat us again. But instead they started to verbally abuse which is worse. Im not here to normalized poor parenting styles but my parents were traditional Asian parents who had never learned how to communicate with their children. They thought what they were raised by there parents was the right way. It has made me resent them for so many years and i still am now but im trying to forgive them nowadays since im 26. I will never let trauma raise my children because i dont want them to deal with the same resentment that i have and i want a good relationship with my children.
@@Dtzeo503 I'm sorry you had to endure that 😔 verbal abuse is a different type of evil. And you're right! Your parents weren't taught other options in effective communication so they'll repeat what they were taught. It's an actual shame tbh 😔
@@ChizobaItabor My relationship with my parents is pretty rocky but its getting better still some disagreements here and there. Other than that it's fine. Yes trauma is a curse in many families.
Yeeees! Glad more people are talking about this. I was incredibly lucky to have loving parents who gave me a lot of autonomy from a very young age so learning how other people are parented was really shocking. It's so disturbing that things that I would classify as blantent abuse are seen as normal or god forbid good by so many people and that's before you get into actual criminal acts. So many people should not have children or be in positions of authority over them. The way society treats children is horrific and needs to be changed.
I notice that i often blame the elderly for political problems in my country, like they hadn’t done “enough”. But then i realize that it’s easier to put a blame on others, then to actually take action and change smth
Thank you for this! As a parent, I am always listening and unlearning all the things thrust upon me as a child. It is hard work, and I send hugs to all the parents, teachers, and caregivers on this journey too!
Totally eye-opening stuff. I absolutely feel the damage in my brain from corporal punishment and constant intimidation in my childhood. This inspired me, makes me wish I could have kids just to put some healthy humans into the world for once. I'm afraid I'm too messed up to handle parenting responsibly; in a sad twist, it's the really messed up people think they're the best parents of all time and reproduce with abandon.
I look at my parents and I can clearly see how my dad's relationships with his dad affects his own parenting of me. so like, yeah of course it's negatively affected my development, but I've been trying to cut him some slack as I'm getting older and seeing the patterns. my partner and I don't plan on having kids, but still seeing my cousin's kids, I'm figuring out how to help them explore their own individuality. my one cousin has asked me to explain gender to her baby once she's old enough to understand and how she can choose for herself so that's good.
I really LOVED the section regarding raising children and advocating for alternative ways of raising your kids because so many people nowadays, even young people around my age still see no problem with hitting their children. I would LOVE an entire video on that if possible, I feel like so many people could gain a massive insight from it.
As a teacher I am consistently learning from the students I teach. Half the time I think they are much more intelligent than me! I tell them every day they are the future adults and their ideas and actions are so powerful in terms of creating change and I am grateful that I have the opportunity to change my mind everyday due to them.
Currently on a deep dive about generational differences in mental health, and this was just... so freakin' good. So well communicated and well researched; I really hope it helps young people feel seen and encouraged, and that it sparks some self-reflection in older people. This collab was so OP, I hope you two do more work together!
Appreciate this video. It has me rethinking some of my own teaching practices. There are many arbitrary rules and policies that if honestly challenged I would have no response at all.
I agree, I'm not a parent but I am a teacher and this makes me rethink some things classroom practices especially since I teach kindergarten. This is what I needed to reflect and adjust on ways I can give students more opportunities to build on autonomy in my classroom.
Thank you! The same realization - that ageism is always focused on the elderly - hit me after listening to Bill Maher complain again and again about Ageism but then he hates on millennials all the time and is disrespectful towards children. Your commentary is always fascinating.
I've decided a long time ago that I will not physically punish my children and I will not allow anyone else to. I have trouble standing up for myself, but I will tell my family that they will not be able to see my kids if they hurt them. I've seen my cousin's kids cry at the mere threat of getting spanked. Idea the terror in their faces and I knew I never wanted my kids, or any kids, to feel that way.
I found that bell hooks’ “Teaching to Transgress” is as good a parenting manual as anything else out there. Cheers. Edit: Pedagogy of the Oppressed (Paulo Freire)was also instrumental in my decision to avoid as much of the banking system of pedagogy as possible as I homeschool my kiddo.
This is great! Thank you. As a youth worker in the UK, I'm familiar with a whole profession who consciously approach children and young people with respect and recognise and affirm their agency and lived experience. We have much to learn from and with the younger generation. Social media has helped highlight this! I'm not a parent myself yet so I dunno what conventional methods I'd actually resort to if in that position, but I'd like to think the theory and practice I've been exposed to will inform my parenting. Who knows?!
This is good stuff. The more I discuss different social issues the more it is clear that the root, the key to change society lays in how we raise children. It is so much harder to unlearn whatever fucked up shit we were taught, rather than not learning it in the first place. I heard this concept frequently in relation to feminism: in many contexts there was no continuity between the 70s feminism and the more recent wave, so a lot of young girls had nobody who passed down to them all the knowledge and awareness of the patriarchal society. They had to redo the work of self liberation almost from scratch
I think your point about kids and gender is valid but it's also important to note that it's great to allow kids to take hormone blockers, given the transphobic steps backwards the UK has taken recently.
Just wanted to say this might be my favorite video you've put out so far. I feel like this perfectly sums up my relationship with my mom and puts both our perspectives into context. Thank you for uploading this. I think learned a lot just by watching it
I'm all about breaking generational curses. I was beaten into submission in boarding by everything from hose pipes to hockey sticks. Hockey sticks!!! I was 13! It's one of the reasons why I'm adamant about having kids because of all the embedded toxicity that was passed on from generation to generation. Also why I'm in therapy to heal from the trauma because I want to do better..to BE better. .to unlearn and unpack things that I used to think we're normal but we're just trauma masked by ageism, "tradition", Religion and internal racism. Also changing the narrative that talking about mental health issues is a taboo. Can we also address how families(especially BIPOC communities) would be quick to condemn kids questioning their sexuality but turn a blind eye to family predators??? How do you infantilize and adulftify children at the same damn time?! Smh.
This is a phenomenal video, and definitely one I needed. I have an absentee black father who was emotionally abusive and was definitely raised/disciplined all of his children with control and domestication (mostly to feed his ego). I distinctly remember a time where, as a child, after belting me for 5 minutes on my own bed I afterwards I tried to argue with him that what he was doing was abusive and that I could go to child services- He just laughed in my face and left the room. That moment never left my memory. I felt so powerless in the face of such nonchalant cruelty. I didn't ask to be born into this world but here I am being mocked for trying. If I ever end up in a situation where I have younger folk in my care/community, I would want them to be empowered as individuals and know that they're being heard. As a queer POC I know what it feels like to have to suppress everything just to survive. The youth of the future deserve way better than that.
This is an incredible video, thank you!! As a millennial, I find I have to push back against other people my age who view younger (or older) people as a different species because of their "generation". It's always seemed so silly to me. This explanation was so well done and thorough while also staying concise, it's an easy decision to share with people who aren't comfortable discussing the issues here. Again, thank you!!
18:30 Why the dichotomy between the "good" natural behavior and instincts and the "bad" learned behaviour? Where does that come from? Isn't kindness also taught? Compassion and respect? Tolerance of difference? I'm not religious, but I know some kind hearted and caring religious people, just like I've encountered some self centered assholes that grew up in very non restrictive environment. I can't agree with the notion of humans being essentially good. Actually, I can't agree with essentialism in general. It's our experiences that shape us and choosing some of the experiences you want your kids to have is part of parenting.
This is a response to another comment on my comments on trans youth.
I was referring to plastic surgery and realize I didn’t speak specifically enough. And also just don’t know enough to say/understand that my view of plastic surgery is gonna be from a very different perspective than understanding how affirming things like feminization procedures can be. How life saving they can be your young folks. As I mentioned in the video, when I first learned about Youth Liberation I realized I had it wrong and learned a lot from Andrew. There’s definitely still a lot I have to learn so I appreciate your comments.
I also understand the frustration as this is a life or death matter, but if you’re new to this channel I try to meet people in good faith and all I ask is my audience do that same.
Like everything in life, it is context dependent and that's why I dislike blanket statements like bottom surgery should never be done on minors. It is very understandable to have an approach like this especially considering how repulsive the idea is presented in society when it itself only applies to a small portion of people in the world and it is also part of this idea that children are not able to make a big decision like this because their brains are underdevelopped. We have to trust children when they decide to express a need like this, but that doesn't mean there shouldn't be hard long discussions about it, they just need to be done without any kind of prejudice.
I'm so thankful for your channel, because you are a very understanding person who is honest in the way you approach hard conversations. It also helps that you are absolutely brilliant and entertaining!
Yeah, this is a tricky subject, and honestly there is a lot of disagreement even within the trans community over whether it is right for minors to get gender confirmation surgery, so I certainly wouldn't blame anyone (acting in good faith, of course) for being unsure about it. I would say one of my main frustrations about the whole moral argument over whether trans kids should be able to get surgery is that it is considered a moral argument to begin with. We don't consider a childhood appendectomy to have moral implications. Or for a more relevant example, say there was a fifteen year old girl who needed to have her breasts removed due to breast cancer. Nobody would be having a moral discussion over whether it is right for a minor to have her breasts removed, because in that case, surgery is medically necessary. It would save her life. And this is the tricky part, because there are some trans kids out there for whom surgery might be legitimately life-saving. Imagine if you had a trans teenager who suffers so much dysphoria that they can't function normally, that they are at high risk for suicide, and they have exhausted all other more traditional treatment options. In any other situation, a doctor would be inclined to agree that surgery is the best option for the patient, but because in this case the child is trans, suddenly there is a moral conundrum.
Morality, or more specifically, how much trans healthcare has been politicised, is now playing a role in the treatment options that are available to that patient. The doctor now has to contend with public perception and the threat of punishment (either in the form of criminal prosecution or a civil lawsuit) in making the decision for what is best for that patient, and what treatments they are willing to give them, regardless of their best interests. This never should have happened. The public should never have been given this much power over another person's medical care, even if that person is a child. There is nobody on Earth outside of the circle of the patient, their doctor - and in the case of a child, their parents - who should be able to make those kinds of decisions.
This is the main problem. We can have a discussion over whether it is morally right, or even a good idea, to let a child undergo a body modification surgery all we want, but it shouldn't impact another person's body autonomy and right to medical care. The fact is, every trans child is different, each will have different needs. There are plenty of trans kids out there, probably even the majority, who would benefit from waiting awhile before deciding whether to have a gender confirmation surgery. For instance, it is becoming much more acceptable (in trans-supportive spaces at least) for trans people to forgo bottom surgery if they don't want it, instead of being pressured into doing it for the sake of proving the legitimacy of their identity to cis people. We know now that there is another option besides changing the body parts you were born with, and giving the person time to understand how they relate to those body parts, especially in regard to s*xual relationships - which for most young people only happens when you start heading for adulthood - might be better for them. Then again, for others surgery is the only thing that will make them happy and relieve their pain. Whether or not surgery is right for a person is entirely dependent on the individual and their personal situation, and this is where trans healthcare needs improvement. Right now, trans people are faced with a system that tries to force us into this strict, one-size-fits-all approach, which is really more about doctors being able to cover themselves legally than it is about providing quality healthcare to trans patients. All trans people, children included, would benefit from an individualised approach, one that centres their specific needs. And most importantly, politics and morality should not play a role in this, just as it shouldn't play a role in any form of healthcare. Whether surgery would be appropriate for an individual trans child should be a decision made entirely by gender specialists with the best interests of their patient at heart, not politicians or lawyers or angry trolls on the internet.
I hope this makes sense (and isn't too long lol). It is ultimately a difficult subject, but I think we can both agree that the wellbeing of trans children is what matters most. I do think there is merit in having a discussion on whether body modification surgeries are a good idea at a young age, if only because self-perception can be a very fickle thing, but at the same time, healthcare should also be a private matter and body autonomy is important no matter the age of the person in question.
@@ryanallen8994 I totally agree with your take and I would add that transness veing medicalized is also an issue because there are a large part of trans people who exist outside of the need for medical treatments. Also, it would be very important to educate medical staff about trans issues by trans people themselves as most doctors are cis themselves and do not understand what it means to be trans, very much like most medical staff misunderstand mental disabilities and mental illnesses to the point where they will pathologize people without actively listening to the people with the conditions themselves. It's very complex, but that's why we need to have a say in the kind of education medical staff receives because as it stands right now, a lot of them have absolutely no idea what people's realities are!
Bruh will manly looking cis women get facial feminization surgery too? Bc they’re in just as much danger as a manly looking trans woman is if they have the same appearance. Also, a lot of us wish we fit the beauty standards of our genders more. Why should the public pay for someone else’s plastic surgery? Just being trans does not mean you’re not going to fit the beauty standards of your gender. That’s up to your genetics. If you’re conventionally ugly, then so be it. Blame God or the simulation makers or whatever you believe in. If you’re “clockable” and in danger because of it, well that’s not a fact of being trans because it doesn’t apply to all trans people and it applied to a lot of cis people as well. FFS is just regular cosmetic surgery. I am not interested in paying for other people’s plastic surgery y’all are being hella selfish with this one.
@@soulsearcher7077 With respect, gender confirmation surgeries aren't just about avoiding being "clocked", they are about relieving emotional pain and improving mental well-being. And they are done when a doctor (two in the case of bottom surgeries) have declared the procedure medically necessary. That means the trans patient in that case has been declared to be in a clinically vulnerable state if they aren't able to access the surgery. In the same way as any body modification surgery, they can't just walk into a doctor's office and demand it for free right there and then. I do understand what you are saying about more cosmetic-leaning surgeries such as FFS requiring the patient to pay out of pocket, and in some cases, I would say, yes, a trans person probably should fund it themselves except in the cases of extreme dysphoria where getting that surgery would greatly improve their quality of life. If that would also improve a cis person's life in the same way, I would have no qualms whatsoever with that coming out of my taxes. I want people to be safe and happy after all. I would also like to point out that most cosmetic trans surgeries besides bottom and top surgeries are often privately funded anyway. They aren't provided for by insurance companies or the NHS in the UK, and they are never performed on minors (the age group this post is focussed on) so the argument is a little redundant.
I would implore you to extend a little empathy and understanding towards people facing this situation. Sometimes cosmetic procedures are genuinely medically necessary, trans or not. What if you had someone with severe burn scars covering their body, and a skin graft surgery to bring their appearance back to the way it was before would relieve the emotional trauma they are experiencing? Again, I would want that person to have that surgery, even if it meant my taxes were paying for it. I don't know if you are cis or trans, I don't want to assume, but if you are cis then I can can understand that dysphoria isn't easy to wrap your head around. Hell, it's hard to wrap your head around it even when you experience it yourself. But it's a lot more than just not living up to beauty standards. For example, I'm a trans man and I don't at all fit the masculine ideal that cis men are supposed to live up to. I'm like Hiccup from the first How to Train Your Dragon movie lol. But I don't care about that. Transitioning for me is just about having a male body, one that actually represents who I am so that this integral part of me isn't invisible anymore. It's about healing the emotional trauma of watching my body abandon me during puberty, and the life I have had to live pretending to be someone I am not. My body doesn't have to be some masculine ideal to do that, nor do I want a body that looks like that anyway. Dysphoria is looking at your body and having absolutely no sense of connection with it, a feeling that runs so deep that, in my personal experience at least, wreaked havoc on my life and relationships. I started experiencing dissociation from my body to the point where I felt like I was existing more in my own mind than I was actively participating in my own life. Queue extreme anxiety that left me jobless, no meaningful relationships to speak of, and so little motivation I found it hard just to take care of myself. It's so bad that, even at the ripe age of twenty three, I have multiple physical health conditions that are probably permanent. Dysphoria is a very serious condition and it needs treatment. Sometimes that treatment is surgery, and it's not selfish to ask for help when any other medically necessary procedure is available to a patient (providing of course they have insurance or access to the NHS). I hope one day you can understand that there is a world of difference between plastic surgeries that people (women mostly) have been pressured into getting by societal beauty standards, and gender confirmation surgeries which are a medical treatment for a serious problem that has life-long ramifications if it is not fixed.
I actually feel that ageism against the elderly tends to be a bit more built around beauty, and or accessibility. It tends to lean towards an intersection of ageism and misogyny, as well as ageism and ableism.
Not another ISM geeshhh🤦🏻♂️
@@K9Trixx what is ISM?
I agree, the elderly are seen as a burden and drain on society or they are simply invisible.
Ageism has a different component with women. Ad women start to lose their youthful allure men treat them with far less respect than b4, maybe even disdain. Women in their mid forties report feeling again, either invisible in society, or have felt contempt from men they have not experienced before.
That's sadly because men consider women aged and useless when they hit their forties. And the disdain gets worse for women as they become older. At least gentleman are treated the same until they actually do become elderly.
Haven't watched the vid yet but.... in the USA I see devaluation of elderly also stemming from the rapid changes in technology and language. Like all this consumerism has led to the planned obsolescence of our elders as well as our phones.
@@K9Trixx just came to comment and not watch the video huh 🤔
Videos like this are challenging for me when I reflect on my own practices as a teacher of undeserved black youth, and even with my children. It's funny cause I considered myself one of the "good ones" but I also still definitely have and still participate in a "domestication" practice and I'm seeing the resulting problems that come from that.
Thankfully I have a lot of flexible resources, so when things started to get bad I was able to address it. But I know from experience that so many families don't have access to the resources needed to address these problems so they get the belt... and the belt doesn't work.
I think one of the best things that parents, teachers, etc. can do and model for young people is that we can be wrong, we are infallible. I make mistakes (yelling), but now, I apologize when I do it, and I ask my kids to call me out on my behaviors. The fact you are self-aware and self-reflecting means you are already much further along than most.
"The belt don't work" - **Caribbean mummies have entered the chat** 😂
@@Feliciations I remember the first time my oldest called me out. I was mad then I was like oh wait... I taught him to do this. Guess i got to do better then lol!
@@FDSignifire so humbling, right?? But so awesome to see them grow into these amazing humans. Glad you are out there educating and parenting!
@@Feliciations I just got called out by my 5 year old because I was pressuring her yo finish her breakfast even tho she said she is full. I had to remove myself and tell her I will apologize to her I just need a min😅😅😅
Ageism against the elderly (not disrespecting boomers, I’m talking being mean to the grandmas) is absolutely inseparable from ableism. Dementia jokes, assumptions of incapability due to mental or bodily frailty; the whole dismissal of the elderly is largely due to the stigma around the disabilities that come with getting older. Yes, there’s fear of death tied up in there too, but to ignore the underlying ableism is a tremendous disservice.
Yes thank you fro bringing that up because I felt that part was too dismissive. Elderly people are often seen as disposable in society because they are often disabled or less abled and thus are not as able to contribute to or seen as less valuable in a capitalistic society. I feel the ageism argument is two sides of the same coin -- who are easy targets in society and easier for those who have more power and privilege to control.
Exactly my thoughts
And those septegenarian politicians in power have tons of young assistants to do a majority of their leg work even if they are themselves intelligent and capable, so there's this further illusion that "boomers" have a kind of authority by association because of bootstraps mentality when in reality they had help.
dementia jokes are so insensitve. why would you make fun of someone who is literally losing their minds? it isn't funny
Great point here. Internalized ableism makes aging an absolute nightmare. Makes people too stubborn and afraid to care for themselves properly using tools to help their quality of life/save their lives. Social ableism that makes people who can afford to build entire old person quarantine zones instead of just integrating them into the rest of society
Can we take a moment to appreciate how Khadija platforms other amazing minority creators? Seeing FD and now a fellow Caribbean content creator like St. Drew on here just softens my heart 🥺 even putting my video on their community tab that really helped my videos surface when the algorithm wasn't helping - we have a magnanimous Aunty and I absolutely stan dem for helping create a better community for content creators of colour ❤️🙏🏾
by the way, Khadija uses they/them pronouns. I discovered your content through your comments on Khadija's video. It is great seeing the essays from the large black diaspora.
@@potato5602 🤦🏾♂️ i know better lol 😭 Khadija ga kill me fi dat. I use "dey/dem" for dem but my pronoun game is a work in progress so thank you so much. Didn't even realize it
I won’t kill you as I know these things take practice! But thank you for all your kind words. It’s really nice building an online community with such amazing creators
@@KhadijaMbowe thanks for that and everything else you do, Khadija 🙏🏾
You, Khadija, and St.Andrewism are all blessings.
I am raising a 5 year old girl and a 2 year old boy and every day I find my self fighting to not use the tactics that was used against me as a kid. whew! the internal fight is real and breaking generational curses is so hard but someone has to start. I want my kids to be able to just LIVE as a human beings who want to seek joy and fullfillment without being forced to bend to society’s wills and trends. this video was much needed and I will rewatch it again but the first time kinda hurt wow😅
Me too! I was raised with the belt, paddle, and fly swatter. I have chosen not to do that with my kids. I am so glad that i haven’t because some frustrating behaviors my kids have exhibited has turned out to be side affects of adhd and autism. My mom would say they were just being “defiant” at age three and four, but i felt like their was something else going on and i am so glad i didn’t follow her example of punishment. Now we have a good relationship and they have an open mind to try tools (like journaling, therapy, and medication) to help them learn to regulate their own emotions.
hi. not a parent and I am NOT about to tell a stranger who didn't ask advice on how to raise a child. But in regards to having to fight against what you've been taught, have you considered therapy? I had a really traumatic childhood (including physical abuse disguised as "discipline") and I'm kind of reparenting myself right now. Therapy for the past year and a half has been able to help me to work through that internal fight but it's an ongoing journey. Something to consider. I recommend therapy to everyone now lol but I also recognize even being able to afford it is a huge privilege.
as an autistic young person I feel that the treatment of young people is detrimental to the wellbeing of neurodivergent, especially autistic people. Growing up all my traits considered odd and unnatural were mocked or forced out of me by authority figures in my life. I have been masking to a high degree since I was very young meaning at first my parents didn't believe me when I thought I might be autistic. Luckily I have received a diagnosis recently and this has helped me begin to unlearn the toxic behaviours I have been taught by adults however many autistic people in less fortunate situations don't have the privilege of being able to get diagnosed. idrk where I was going with this so just something that came to mind whilst watching this.
Yes I totally get you!! I had so many meltdowns when I was younger due to being constantly overwhelmed and stressed and confused and my parents literally beat me for screaming and having meltdowns because they saw this as 'misbehaving' and then I got more stressed and it just made it worse and it turned into a viscous cycle. Then there are less intense things like being told off for figiting and not giving eye contact. Also when I would ask for clarification on instructions in school I would be told off for not listening when really I just didn't understand the instructions in the way they're presented.
As an older autistic person, I fully agree with you.
Phew! I'm basically there myself at the moment. Unlearning is really hard.
Wow, I'm sorry y'all went through that😥
I was diagnosed when I was young (I was 9) and my family *still* has a hard time with realizing that I have sensory issues, so I get that. Same with the masking.
I work with this lady who (I think?) is 77, and shes always impressed me by being open to change. She calls our trans coworkers by their correct pronouns, talks about learning about social justice and it's just really admirable that she is still open to learning about new things at her age. I genuinely hope to be like her when I'm older. The older generation can learn from the younger generation and vice versa.
I had a professor in her 80s and she had degrees in comp sci, math, and law and that too PHDs. She "wicked smaat" as they say
Sending this to all my fellow boomer parents
Don’t forget GenX.
Real talk I'm s millenial but yall keep calling me a boomer so I thought it just meant anyone over 35...🤷🏿♂️
im being called a boomer and i am only 26? very questionable.
I'm so glad we were able to tackle and bring light to this sensitive and important topic. Thanks for working with me on this wonderful video!
Edit: for those who ask (they usually do😂) yes, I'm Trini
A great video - for what it's worth, you have a new subscriber now. Respect.
As a zoomer who appreciates ur content u never miss… glad u and khadijah made this video lol
WAVE YUH FLAGGGG
You taught me so much through this video so thank you 💕
You just gained a new follower!! What was that first portrait of the black woman? It was breathtaking
Also, about the point regarding schoolteachers being previously allowed to hit kids for breaking rules: it’s true that they more often than not can’t physically hurt you. Instead, it’s usually substituted with:
- Standing really, really close to you
- Loud noises (yelling, whistling, etc.)
- A combination of both of those
- “Back in my day, we were allowed to hit you for that”
- Hitting/shoving personal belongings of the student in question (such as pushing their notebook off of their desk, or slamming a textbook shut in their faces)
- Throwing/pushing tables without aiming for a person
- If it’s a gym class, extra exercising (often without regard to medical concerns)
- And of course, good ol’ psychological/emotional abuse (“you’re making that up”, “you only feel that way because you’re younger/on your period/your parents secretly hate you/etc.”, “don’t cry, you’re not a kindergartener, are you?”, facilitating bullying without consequences if someone “deserves it”, various -isms and -phobias being weaponized at students, etc.)
(Maybe I just was in a school that was too country to be regularly checked by the school board.)
School-based abuse is often ignored if it isn’t physical or sexual, for some reason. If someone who you live with can be emotionally or psychologically abusive, surely someone who you don’t live with but are made to be around almost daily can do the same.
when I was in high school, I had a math teacher with a really twisted sense of humor. He had a yard stick (which must have been ancient because Canada switched to the metric system in the 60s) that he would joke about beating us with for misbehaving. The yard stick the words "The Enforcer" written on it in sharpie.
An old teacher of mine would take the backpack of someone and turn it upside down if they said they couldn‘t find their homework. Same with the tables. It was so fucked up.
Also teachers forcing you to glue their papers into your exercise book and lifting them up and letting everything fall to the ground just because, like that‘s just so petty…
I sure am glad I always had good teachers
When I was little, I had a daycare teacher who abused me emotionally and borderline neglected me. For 7 years. I dont see enough people talk about emotional abuse in schools and how it can really fuck you up.
When I was in 3rd grade, my teacher threw my desk into the courtyard and had me sit by myself outside because I was talking too much. Also in 2nd grade, because I stole books from the scholastic fair, every time smth went missing in class, my teacher would go through my lunchbox and backpack. It was actually really shitty and I still remember being so embarrassed and then getting hit at home because that teacher would call my dad and tell them I'm stealing or lying again....anyways reading your comment reminded me of those times. Mrs. Buchen and Mr. Witt- thanks y'all
To add to your list:
Model apologizing when you make mistakes. If you get upset, yell, say something rude, etc to your child, apologize to them. Show them how to take accountability for their mistakes by taking accountability for your own.
And when apologizing, you must really commit to not doing it again, because if you keep doing it and keep apologizing, children see that apologies mean nothing to you, and accountability means nothing to you, and they have no guarantee of safety. My mom would have so many tears, but I didn’t want tears, I just wanted her to not hit me again.
This resonates so much with me. I was shamed, abused and beaten by my 'family' for being a queer child. Now as a trans queer woman who suffers with anxiety and depression, and has no relationship with her parents or extended family, I often relect on thier behaviour and i resent them to the point of hatred. Such hatred is not healthy, and I've tried to educate them over the years, but to no avail. My only hope is that the children of the future can overcome such abuse and thrive, effecting genuine change. Thank you Khadija x
The anger that feels like hate can really be part of love because you know that person’s potential and they’ve disappointed you and don’t want to work on themselves. I think it’s a righteous anger. But I understand at this point it’s almost indistinguishable from hate cuz it feels so bad. Or it could really just be hatred toward their behavior. A strong sense of justice is always good though
I'm often told that I'm "good with kids" when really I just treat them like people (because they are). I ask for their consent, I ask for their preferences and opinions, I see them as equals. I think about myself as a child and remember how I felt patronized by adults. I felt like adults assumed I was stupid, like I couldn't understand or hear what they were saying to each other. I remember feeling that most adults were duplicitous. I listened to what they said to one another, the tone they used and how they changed their game when they spoke to me. Recently, I met my partner's nephew and all of the adults around insisted he hugged me goodbye. When he hesitated, the other adults insisted. And I said "you just met me, if you're not comfortable hugging me that's totally cool! I'll se you next time :)" and I feel like the other adults were frustrated with my respect of this kid's autonomy. I think the same is true of older folks, I see a lot of people pretending they're not in the room, not caring about their opinions. They're ignored. It is something I'm really sensitive to, that I am frustrated about in this world. Thank you for making this video :)
Underrated comment
That hug thing is huge. Kids literally are forced to accept having their physical and emotional boundaries disregarded consistently. One thing I find that’s often paired with the hugging thing is forcing them into uncomfortable situations in the form of “manners.” Often times it goes way beyond manners and they’ll hound kids for not talking to a family member they’re uncomfortable with. In my childhood it was forcing me to introduce myself to people even when I was dealing with horrible social anxiety, and my parents still don’t understand what I mean by it. I got into a disagreement with my mom about her being angry about my young cousin not speaking up or going mute when he meets people. I tried explaining to her how kids don’t OWE people that, they deserve to have their boundaries put first. I even argued with my parents on the issue of corporal punishment and it exploded, despite them making strides in many areas I’ve realized it’s so normalized culturally(both in my community and the US in general) that it’s one of the hardest things to get them to see.
One day my daughter and her friends were sitting around talking about the worst beatings they had gotten from their parents. When it got to her turn she looked horrified and said my mom doesn't do that! She came home and thanked me for allowing her autonomy over her body and not using physical force against her when she has done something wrong.
I argued a lot with my parents and elders in my life for years about not spanking my child, but now that she is older I'm glad I made the decisions I did. My daughter trusts me, tells me personal things most children keep from their parents, and she listens willingly because she knows I'm not overbearing or judgmental.
I hope more and more parents will make this same decision that you did. You and your daughter will likely continue to have a much better relationship than those other parents do with their children.
"Children are inexperienced little people who you can partner with and guide as they develop their understanding of the world."
That's a whole word and sermon in and of itself! So glad to see this partnership between two of my favorite CZcamsrs. A great conversation and happy to have learned some new things!
The points about wearing a mask are fascinating to me. The autistic community - and specifically late-diagnosed autistics - talk a lot about "masking." I don't know how it makes me feel, but it sure does make me feel something to think of this as a wider issue. The idea of having a barrier between you and the world, because your thoughts and feelings are so controlled and repressed, is real and spiritually crushing. My parents were in no way authoritarian, and I still ended up with this introjected authority controlling me. I can't imagine how children who are purposely "trained" feel... And how black autistic people are crushed under both racism and ableism, and of course ageism. Hard video to watch, but so important.
I'm autistic, and masking is.. it's like you're a whole different person while you're in a conversation, because you have your usual mannerisms and you don't do them bc they're weird and 'unseemly', until eventually it just becomes the default. The norm. And when you have a relationship in your life that you don't have to mask with, it gets rlly hard.
i'm trying to learn to mask, the only problem is my looks give away my disability.
I got so pissed at people ignoring me when I was younger that I made a pact with myself to never ignore anyone just because they were a little kid.
As a 15 year old with West African parents this resonated so much with me! My parents are less strict than most but I still feel like I've put up these mental blocks where I'll be disagreeing with my dad and I come to a point where I force myself to stop talking back because I know when I want him to buy me smth it'll come up. Like "You weren't arguing when I bought you x". I love my parents but I don't they realize how anxious it's made me abt wanting anything from anyone.
It's hard for people to admit how their parents mistreat them, or even emotionally abuse them, but it's important to be honest with ourselves about it, and not downplay their crap. It's the only way we can better understand the damage they've done to us, as well as not copy their behavior.
@@acegikm yeah and definitely remember that the good doesn't erase the bad. Relationships with parents are always complicated because of this.
Its like we’re living the same life. I’m west african as well (🇨🇲) and i can count the whoopings i’ve recieved on one hand. My parents aren’t the stereotypical violent african parents but they are the type that dont let you disagree and are strict for the most part. So i feel like i can’t have a constructive conversation w them or an individual opinion. When i was a kid they usually used the threat of beatings, threats of being shipped off, the silent treatment, or just yelling verbal insults at us (which still put the fear of making mistakes in me and my siblings). And when they were wrong they rarely apologized, just bought us pizza. My siblings and I don’t feel like we can break the mold of the “perfect child” nor can we express our full selves to our parents emotionally or intellectually bc anytime we tried we were shot down basically. Lol and they try to be like “you know you can talk to us” but it always ends up w them preaching at us
@@iona6558 Yes, exactly! I always got those long lectures after any disagreement and I've seen how they wear down on me and my older brother to the point where it's not worth bothering to try to explain yourself and you just want to shut down. You basically do it to spare their ego and emotions. I hope we all find a way to unlearn those ideas cus I think they'll only hurt us in life. Wishing you the best ❤️
@@iona6558 same and I’m west African too, I also had depression because of the beating I received from my mother in middle school
I'm an expert in my own experience. My son is an expert in his experiences. Where our experiences overlap and gap, we can teach each other. I always let my son make as many of his own choices as was safely possible, and stopped to discuss his concerns and ideas. Let him come to his own conclusions. My job was to allow him to learn who he was and how to think instead of what to think and who to be. It was very tough at times, and it was very time consuming at times, but so rewarding. He's 24 now and we're still a team. He has his own life and I have mine, but we still value each other's opinions and support.
I grew up fundamentalist christian, and at 42 I'm still struggling with the crippling affects of being raised an empty vessel only to be filled with someone else's will. I didn't go to college because the world was about to end and paradise didn't need computer techs or psychologists. I didn't learn money management or interpersonal skills because a husband would handle all that. I was spanked instead of explained to, because I didn't need to know why I just needed to obey. As a result, I went out into the world very angry and ignorant. I got taken advantage of, I struggled to find meaningful employment or even to stand up for myself. All the knowledge and experience I should have gotten within the safer guardrails of growing up, I had to navigate blindly alone as an adult. Don't hobble your kids, let then run while they have you to watch over them.
this is a word
I think ageism against younger people isn't really discussed enough or at all. I'm also curious about your thoughts on ageism against old people, especially when it comes to us being reminded of our own mortality.
My parents are South Asian and used to be beat me a lot as a kid, it didn't help that I struggled a lot with anger issues (probably due to other traumas I had). I remember when I was around 10-11, and I was throwing a fit- I learned to throw fits in my room with the door locked bc I knew it would prevent me from hurting others or causing a scene in the rest of the house, but I also knew it wouldn't allow my dad to come beat me bc I knew he hated my fits, as I hard as I tried to control them-anyway when I was 11, my dad came to beat me with these wooden poles we had (they would leave bruises), and I actually blocked his hand and started to fight him back. Then my mom got mad at me for "disrespecting" him. Ha.
By the way my relationship with my parents improved over the years, not perfect but much much better, and I still love them a lot, they help out financially a lot, I know they care, and now knowing the own traumas they went through, I have a lot more empathy (it doesn't justify their beating but I have a better understanding about their intentions). But I think I also learned to mold myself into who they want me to be whenever I'm around them. It wasn't until I went off to college that I even understood the concept of self-discovery.
I’m sorry. I had extreme anger fits at home too. It’s sad that we have to hide our natural reactions to abuse so we don’t get abused more.
My parents help me financially, which is partially because of autistic burnout from things unrelated to their abuse, but also very much a result of their abuse.
nice to hear another south asian perspective. i know we have different experiences with our parents raising our hands on us than the convention. i hope you’re better now. ❤️❤️
This comment feels like someone just snuck into my house and observed my relationship with my parents, lol. It's really relatable (minus the beating, my parents just yelled extra loud because they didn't believe in hitting).
And because of it, I never really learned to process anger in a healthy manner or talk about my feelings with others - if I did that growing up, I was punished for being disrespectful or told that I was overexaggerating and had no struggles to worry about because "you didn't pay the bills and you don't do anything for this household." To this day, I hold on to my anger/grudges and have a hard time forgiving and letting go. I can't communicate my emotions that well either.
I have a complicated relationship with my parents because I really do love them and appreciate all they've done for me, and they're not monsters 24/7, but there are things I wish they did better.
I've never understood how adults could hate and mock children so much. Do they not remember what it was like? To constantly be unheard or laughed at and glossed over? When I was a child I promised myself I would never forget that, that'd I'd never become like one of those adults. And I'm not now, but so many people around me are. Children are the only people who don't possess "human rights", but instead their own "childrens rights". This is in some ways necessary, such as to prevent jail sentences when not of sound mind, but also allows for so many exploits. As a child of domestic abuse entering a family law court system, I had no voice. An independant childrens lawyer could not see me until I was so many yyears old, by which time so much of the abuse had already occurred. I could speak very well by the age of 2, but what use was it if no one would hear? When I did meet with children's lawyers, it was clear they were neither independant, nor acting in my best interests. They asked of course, what I wanted, who to stay with, my abuser or my parent. They also made very clear that what I said had no sway. "mummy won't be happy, daddy won't be happy, no one will get their way" "can you instruct your lawyer? no" that answer was so shocking to me. What was the point of it then, who would speak for me if I couldn't? When the lawyer brought up my admission of abuse, it was dismissed immediately. "I don't believe her". Anything I could say was either "coaching" or unable to be proven, they refused evidence from before they would even let me speak to an ICL. I was one of the lucky children, I did get to live without my abuser entirely. So many others have been killed. When you get to highschool, there is a presumption of naivety and innocence. Not every child had that privelege, some have experienced worse trauma than adults. When I was suicidal, it was "just an emo phase", when I was asexual, I was "too young to understand yet", when I spoke out about the stress and pressure of education systems I was "teenage rebellion". "1 in 4 year 12 students are depressed" our PDHPE teacher said, and moved on like it was our responsibility to take care of our mental health, instead of fighting for change to cure the root of the issue. When you are a child, everything is always changing, we are in constant flux. Adults have grown stagnant, have come to fear change, they cannot see the broken cogs swirling around them, crushing in around them. I know what lurks in their hearts, a bitter, jealous, superiority complex hiding insecurity. Why they laugh at children. Because if they can remain powerless, they will remain powerful. They have grown to hate that younger version of themselves, when they were "cringe" and unembarrased and naive because they have learnt their lesson. Childish behaviour is bullied out of you, and you join the hatred to avoid it. You have to learn to love the part of you who was cringeworthy, and also the part of you that cringes. And please, please, listen to children when they are screaming to be heard.
That sucks you went through that. You have a lot of compassion. I think you should read Black Shirts & Reds
most people are evil, nasty pieces of work, i have no love for the majority young or old.
"Don't mistake your inconvenience for danger." That's a WORD right there.
There’s a movement in the parenting circles that pushing pretty much how to parent like you talked about but under different names such as “gentle parenting,” “respectful parenting,” “RIE,” “authoritative parenting.” Montessori is also a way of teaching and parenting that emphasizes teaching little children independence and is gaining popularity. Millennials and older Gen Z with their own CPTSD are trying to end the old ways of using punishment and fear to control children. There’s a lot of them educating on the subject on TikTok, CZcams, and other spaces online. Including Black creators.
while you two have completely different approaches to videomaking, your outlooks and opinions are often very similar, you were truly meant to collab together someday...
I'd like to add that disabled adults, especially those with speech or mental disorders, are still infantilized well into adult age. So many horror stories of autistic adults being subjected to physical and psychological violence just because they happen to not behave like the neurotypical adult...
I can say for a fact that being spanked as a young child still impacts my relationship with my mother. I've also been witness to corporal punishment of a teenager, and it's something that still bothers me now. When you hit someone, they associate YOU with the pain, not whatever actions preceded the pain.
It can definitely be both cuz anytime someone goes to kneel down behind me for something, it makes me instinctively turn my backside away from them
Thank goodness for my mother and her parenting style. Obedience to her didn't mean blindly following, and respect to her didn't mean never objecting or suggesting an alternative. She also was never afraid to admit a mistake or weakness to me, and her and I talked about nearly everything. It made me see her as a human with flaws, emotions, and struggles rather than an authority figure to rebel against. Because of this, I did my best for her because I loved her, not because I was afraid of her. We were a team, trying to do the best we could for one another. Who knew she was so ahead of her time.
A thing I read or someone told me (was it you who said this? Maybe it was) that completely changed my negative attitude on children was, “Children are one of the most marginalized people. They have very little say in what they can or can’t do most of the time, and their day to day is controlled by others in power over them.” And as a person who was starting to decolonize my mind this definitely struck a chord. This reminded me of the constant feeling of powerlessness at home and in school. It made me really rethink how I approach kids and youth in general.
This
On childrearing, I'd also like to point out that another factor is social pressure. When my coworkers asked if I'd be spanking my son, I said no. They then proceeded to treat me like a horrible human being, with one in particular implying that my son would turn out to be a murderer because I was choosing not to spank him. After that, I just avoided talking to anyone about the subject again.
I am a high school teacher and I so agree with every bit of this essay. I love my gen z kiddos. They are brilliant and really engaged with the world, and perfectly capable of reason and reasoned decision-making. After 19 years of teaching, I can say that teen years are really hard--everyone tells you to act like an adult but still treats you like a kid. But treating my students with the respect I hope to receive from them, listening to them, letting them explain if they act out (almost always it's something worth hearing), and making a space that is safe and loving is much more effective than sending them down that detention/suspension/referral pipeline. I especially loved the point of being open to explaining why--and being willing to change a rule if you can't explain it. That has always been they way I teach and parent.
Gawd and 24 and "children are meant to be seen not heard" still haunts me. legit ruined my life 😂 my aunt and mother to this day are shocked and offended by how little I socialize with them to this day
😂 my family too
I found out that my parents pretty much raised me in the way you say you should raise your children, and basically never did anything of the "bad" things. It is a good thing to know that my parents are enlightened boomers
Thank you for this. I literally have never seen this topic addressed in quite this way. I believe the last (and I say this because I think it is too deeply entrenched in every society) human rights issue will be for children to have agency. I don't think I will see it in my lifetime.
I cried throughout the video, this resonates with my inner abused and neglected child.
I was the (almost) perfectly domesticated. It wasn't until I went to boarding school met my best friend, who rejects everything socialized, that I understood that that is what I was undergoing even though I didn't have a name for it yet.
Edit: I love seeing you, Khadija, acknowledge your own limitations and learn something new. As an observer, witnessing your learning process, the re-socialization (is what I'll call it) for me, is that much more profound.
Edit 2: (37:07) "Don't confuse your inconvenience when they make mistakes with actual danger." ~ Saint Andrewism
My childhood was sparkled with physical and psychological abusé. My brain protect me, but my body and my mind remember everything. For à long time, nobody cant hug me, hold me, touching was such an unsupportable feeling. I had social anxiety and body dismorphia , results of all of this, And when we went to covid quarantine, everything came back, triggered, messy and hurtful memories , from 1 year old, to teenage years, to adulthood’s memories... i thought i was going to lose my mind. The anger i was feeling gave me vertigo.... i am working now to heal the children i was, and to build the adult i want to be. To anyone suffering from crazy childhood’s treatments, find helps. You deserve peace. And love,
When I was younger than I am now. I would get spanked it stopped, for a while then it happened again because of talking back I was 12 or so. The most recent one was because I was taking long to clean my room, and I was on my phone to pick good music to clean too She ran stomped to my room, and slapped me then I grabbed her shoulder because I was falling back and she got angrier saying it was disrespectful. I love my mom but her actions hurt so much. I don't remember the pain from what happened I don't remember most if not all my childhood if that's my brain protecting me idk, but it makes it easier to forgive somewhat..and always forget.
I am so sorry. I hope you can get access to therapy when your older and have the means to, sending love and hugs 💜💜💜
I myself am religious as a Muslim,
However I have had to unlearn a lot of things that has been forced into me, I am still Muslim because I love the community and the lifestyle. I have also had a lot of ex-muslim and LGBTQ friends as well. I have found out that I will only ever enforce my religion on myself, I have no future plans to do it to my children or anybody in that matter, I will make an effort to educate them about religions in general. I love how this video really just encapsulates my whole childhood. I had a moment where my whole "safe space" fell into ruins. I have found that the time I have felt most strongest and the most stable is when I have been religious from my own will with no body to enforce it on me. As long as i keep to myself I am not hurting society or other people's beiliefs I can still have the safe space I have made for myself today. I think that is a lesson alot of religious people have to believe. Me perspective on religion to create peace and not turmoil. I still have a lot to learn which is why I love to watch these videos.
One of the many migrane-inducing things I learned in law school is, in U.S., age discrimination in the workplace is only illegal if the person being discriminated against is over 40 years old. If you are under 40 and being discriminated against based on age there is no federal codified remedy for you. (Age Discrimination Act of 1967)
A bit on the side, ageism against older people isn't just jokes on boomers and general youth independence from their parents' generation though? I mean sure it's used a lot in that sense but if you really look into it it has a lot more to do with the disregard for older people, especially older women in society. Older people aren't deemed productive members of society because many of them are disabled, are left to the side and women are deemed "past their prime" really young into their lifetime. It translates into direct career impact too! Not even talking about industries promoting aging as an ugly side effect of life that needs to be controlled. As a young person I had really only considered ageism towards young people until I talked to some amazing older women and realised it was so normal to see it happen to older people it didn't phase me!
Well said. It's really a cruel skeleton in our culture's closet and such abuse robs both the older and the younger members of our society of meaningful contributions of older women.
Yeah, ageism and ableism are intertwined.
@@odin4306 Ableism ties into so many prejudices. Like women being the "weaker sex", not being rational and so not deserving agency. Or indigenous folks being "backwards" or "lazy" and needing the patronizing white colonizer to tell them how to live. And they feed off of each other too, like how a lot of modern psychiatry has its roots in strategies to forcibly Christianize native americans and divest them of their culture and spirituality -- so that's racism informing ableism. And of course nowadays all of these are exacerbated by capitalism which desperately wants everyone to be interchangeable, efficient, discardable automatons.
I have been really glad to learn about ableism over this past year or two, I feel like people have been a lot louder about it or maybe I just wasn't listening before.
Love this! I feel so much ageism against people getting older is linked to ableism and worse for women because of sexism (and more issues i can't dive into here) but I love this take on the fact the youth are targeted against continually, the structures in place are literally around conformity not around positive change and progress because there's so much gatekeeping intentionally put in place to try to keep young people down
It’s still sad how a lot of young people are asking for people to be treated with less distinctions and prejudice but because it’s so baked in to find being cruel or finding reducing personhood funny or using people’s identities (I’m not saying you can’t criticize someone because they are an identity but it has to be founded from that individual person’s actions and context) but it’s still not something that person would do if they were met with someone they regarded as some kind of authority. How many of our parents tell us to shut up when we were legitimately being treated terribly? Like my sibling has this face or mask that makes me saddened to see that they accept it a little bit. I have always been able to articulate myself and pull evidence to the adults that have come after me, but really is frustrating to be seen as stupid by asking for decent treatment of not only yourself but of others. I don’t see the authority of an adult sitting away in an office, I see their personal actions so I never shut up after I have been pushed too far, I fight back and that makes me much stronger than my own parents when I have been hurt, OPENLY!!!
a lot of young people, young activists especially, receive a lot of hate for trying to do the right thing, its why i hate living on this earth, speaking up about issues just leads to pain but they have no other choice but to keep pushing.
It genuinely warms my heart to see (racialized) Black folks working together. Y'all do this in a way that makes clear how we move through the world differently. I don't see collaborations like this from other communities, especially among larger and smaller creators. It seems like such a small thing but it truly does make me emotional...with some help from these damn hormones. 2nd puberty is a trip.
What does racialized mean?
I actually am just beginning my second trimester (first pregnancy) and found this relevant on a new level. I love the idea of collaborating with your kid. Knowing we are both learning and will make mistakes. This is a massive departure from how I was raised and I am excited by the possibilities…that maybe it’s not inevitable that I will *screw up* my kid.
As a student of pedagogy and also part of the gen z, I really appreciate this video. Thank you Khadija for this! Love u!
This was a FABULOUS video and I learnt so much!!!
1. Ageism definitely makes it hard for us to acknowledge that children (including teenagers as they're older kids) are human beings with their own thoughts, feelings and autonomy. Random example but I remember telling some of my workmates that when I was a child I didn't like certain kids shows because they were cringe and cheesy. And they all thought it was funny and unbelievable that at the age of 5 to 11 years old I could feel uncomfortable by kids shows.
2. Equally sometimes I do get surprised by some of the smart stuff I said or wrote as a child. Even though I shouldn't because children are not Inherently ignorant.
3. And lastly the ageism used when it comes to kids apart of the LGBTQIA community or kids who may not even be monogamous is TRUE! Like why is a child who is trans too young to know that they're trans but for me who is a cisgender girl who is also feminine (not all girls are feminine hence why I stated that point) it's not too young for me to play with dresses or dress up games or even be thinking about marriage and children?
Come and see the double standard 😑
Awesome! This was an eye-opening video and I love the collab between you and Andrewism!! As a gen-z er myself, one thing I’ve often struggled with is that older generations simultaneously don’t respect us and put pressure on us to fix everything-or, at least, that’s my experience with many people. Often I just feel so pressured to fix everything that nothing ends up happening! Anyone else feel this way??
'My parents believed that they were bringing me up, but they actually destroyed me, just as they destroyed my brother and my sisters. Instead of talking about bringing me up, they should have talked about bringing me down. Thanks to their upbringing, which was purely and simply a process of destruction, as I have said, everything in my mind was mutilated beyond recognition, to borrow a phrase that is normally used in a different context.'
'All you see when you look back is this gaping void. Not only your childhood, but the whole of your past, is a gaping void. This is why it’s best not to look back. You have to understand that you mustn’t look back, if only for reasons of self-protection, I thought. Whenever you look back into the past, you’re looking into a gaping void. Even yesterday is a gaping void, even the moment that’s just passed. '
-Thomas Bernhard, Extinction
I used to not see myself as a person because I was just a kid and I had to wait until I was an adult to be a true real person, but one of your videos a while back helped me to realize I don’t want to have to wait until later to be myself. My opinions are real opinions and my thoughts and feelings are real I shouldn’t have to “wait until I’m older” to be a valid person.
Elder Millennial here: While we probably (definitely) could’ve used more parental presence in our lives, I think much of Gen-X before me, and Elder Millennials / “Zennials” parented ourselves. We came home to empty houses, self-regulated ourselves regarding homework snd waking up for school, etc, and much of our relationships with our parents were in passing at home, or via check in calls to them at work. I think because of this, we were treated more like “little adults” from a pretty young age (given the responsibility on our shoulders), and had less of a “seen and not heard” policy within our families, as we were running our households. As an only child I practically lived alone in junior high as my mom worked overnights, and slept while I was at school, this was our “normal “. I’d be interested to hear what others around my age (37) or older (or with older siblings) think. ❤️💛💙
Accurate. I'm towards the end of millenials (25) and my sister is 31. She basically ran the house for us growing up because my mom worked nights and my dad lived elsewhere. We never had any adult supervision and we self regulated..
*Gen X (in the first line)
As a Gen Xer and a former latchkey kid, I agree. I'm still rather amazed that I walked to and from school by myself when I was 6 years old. I was given my own house key. Many of my memories from childhood are of me playing with my toys in my room by myself. My only real rule was that I had to leave a note where I was. I've felt pretty invisible for most of my life. I really identified with Ally Sheedy's character in Breakfast Club.
@@lynnhettrick7588 good catch on the first line, thank you (my mind dictates faster than my fingers type!). 😆
I grew up the same way; single mom, only child, parented myself, check in with my mom via phone call while she was at work, be home before dark. I knew all the important phone numbers (thank goodness, as my dad once abandoned me at the park on purpose 🙄), had house keys, and always played alone, quietly.
I had material objects to keep me busy, and way too much freedom from age 4 - 18, but no time with my parent(s), no attention. Now that I’m an adult, I prefer being solo more than having company (even my husband knows, but he gets it). ❤️💛💙
I came from a household that believed in the belt, but not from my actual parent. I was almost never explained anything. My mom never put hands on me and never had to because she talked to me and let me know what upset her and why. Have this dichotomy talk me a lot about children and how they learn. I used this to help the kids I watched and their parents. I gave them options and conversations and understanding. I taught them compromise. I love my tiny monsters learning to become people and I hope those people will be good people.
As a young person, I can tell this will be interesting to sit and listen to
due to my own experience growing up with my mother and seeing how she treats my sister raising her sons, I decided I don't want to have children. seeing the power that adults have over children in developing their psyche, it absolutely frightens me to have that kind of responsibility. yet I'm still part of my nephews' lives, so I'm not completely off the hook. it's made me very aware of how I act and talk to them as I try to model good behavior while showing them respect. I really hope I can be the kind of adult they feel safe to talk to as they get older.
"I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependant on frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words... When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly disrespectful and impatient of restraint." A quote courtesy of Hesiod, writing all the way back in the 8th century BC. Even the ancient Greeks liked to partake in the time-honoured tradition of bashing the younger generation. I think it really just speaks to our fear of change, which is inevitable with each new generation. That's just how society works. It does always make me laugh though when I hear older people (or the tabloids, ugh) complain about "kids these days" as if they've spoken something clever or revolutionary, but in reality they've just upheld what is probably one of the most predictable patterns of human behaviour that exists.
Great analysis and an interesting angle on this topic that I hadn't considered before. I've only come across your channel fairly recently, but it's fast become one of my favourites. You've taught me so much and made me a better ally, so thank you for that :)
*accomplices, we’re evolving it into action 😈
@@KhadijaMbowe Haha, indeed co-conspirator. Indeed.
Coinciding beautifully with my 18th birthday lol!
Happy birthday!!
Ain’t it fun by paramore will make a lot more since Soon
A kid once told me that I'm her favourite of her sister's friends because I treat her like a person instead of like a little kid, and I think about that a lot
honestly we are challenging dominant narratives about sex though because "biological sex" itself as a narrative is also a very strict binary that very heavily emphasizes on colonial standards about what exactly constitutes a male or a female (and then forces intersex children into one of two categories through coercive and harmful measures) and still has a white view of the world that doesn't allow for the diversity of sex characteristics that people actually have
Thank you for making this video! I'm a teaching assistant apprentice and this has given me a lot to think about within my own practice and the wider school context
this reminds me so much of that tweet that goes "i have felt permanently guilty for no reason since i was like 8 years old" and that one user who quoted it saying "tell me you're catholic without telling me you're catholic"
Khadija carry on your well researched well documented well presented videos...Entire team who came together...Thank you
This is one of the most enlightening pieces of media I've had the privilege of consuming, ever. I feel like so much of myself, and my experiences makes sense now. So many dots have connected for me after watching this video. Thank you for putting out such a thoughtful, well-informed, and compassionate perspective on these issues I'm sure so many of us can deeply relate to.
Bravo. 👏👏👏✨✨✨
Listening to the consequences of ageism made me feel so seen regarding my childhood experiences as a Nigerian growing up with strict parents, teachers, preachers, etc. Being "disciplined" in classrooms and at home with physical beatings and punishments created in me a submissive approach to so many things. I'm learning to be more curious and assertive in pursuing my passions but there are moments where I'd want authoritative figures in my life to give me permission to do things. I've also noticed how I'd resent how free my cousins who grew up in the US are with responding to their parents and talking so unfiltered-ly. I'd feel so resentful because it reminds me of how more confident and assertive I'd have been now if I had that freedom growing up.
I'm learning to let go of that resentment and be grateful that my younger siblings and cousins are having it relatively easy. I'm also learning to look forward now, not with regret, but with the hope that my future and present doesn't have to reflect the harshness of my past.
Thank you for inspiring and uplifting videos like this Khadija!
honestly thank you so much for making this. I can't even begin to express how many time in my life iv'e been gaslight and told my opinions aren't valid simply because i'm young and i'm truly sick and tired.
OK last comment. Khadija are you serving f-boy face in the thumbnail on purpose or am I being a boomer and don't know what that is?🤣🤣🤣
LMAOOOOOOOO
Lol listen…thumbnails are hard
@@KhadijaMbowe oh I know. Remember when I got drug on black Twitter for my men and colorism thumbnail 🤣.
I've never been so proud and ashamed
Lovedddd this and i mostly agree
Growing up in Zimbabwe its very common to grt spanked but never to hurt but to discipline though I've made the decision to not descipline my own children in the same way
And the part about religion is honeslty us humans twisting and turning God's word.children should be given room to ask and be curious and even doubt because God is all knowing he doesn't fear our questions but people are scared that they'll answer wrongly or they're too proud to admit they don't know,as beleivers we have to accept that we'll never really be able to explain God,hes so much greater and beyond the scope of our brains and knowledge
i'm so glad you choose to not discipline by pain! though it does seem to "work" for some people, it really does instill fear and submission and normalise violence instead of getting children to really listen to your lessons and advice.
Also beating is SOOO INEFFECTIVE as it doesn't teach your children why not do certain things. All it encourages is your child doing these exact same behaviours ,you disciplined them, for in secret or when they become adults and you can't physically beat them anymore.
Literally just talk to your child your children are capable of understanding different concepts
Yeah my parents learned as a child i was taught about abuse in school so my parents got scared to even beat us again. But instead they started to verbally abuse which is worse. Im not here to normalized poor parenting styles but my parents were traditional Asian parents who had never learned how to communicate with their children. They thought what they were raised by there parents was the right way. It has made me resent them for so many years and i still am now but im trying to forgive them nowadays since im 26. I will never let trauma raise my children because i dont want them to deal with the same resentment that i have and i want a good relationship with my children.
@@Dtzeo503 I'm sorry you had to endure that 😔 verbal abuse is a different type of evil. And you're right! Your parents weren't taught other options in effective communication so they'll repeat what they were taught. It's an actual shame tbh 😔
@@ChizobaItabor My relationship with my parents is pretty rocky but its getting better still some disagreements here and there. Other than that it's fine. Yes trauma is a curse in many families.
@@Dtzeo503 I hope things work out for you in the future
@@ChizobaItabor Thank you!
Yeeees! Glad more people are talking about this. I was incredibly lucky to have loving parents who gave me a lot of autonomy from a very young age so learning how other people are parented was really shocking. It's so disturbing that things that I would classify as blantent abuse are seen as normal or god forbid good by so many people and that's before you get into actual criminal acts.
So many people should not have children or be in positions of authority over them. The way society treats children is horrific and needs to be changed.
Wow. The black childhood segment of this video hit me........HARD. A very thought provoking video. Kudos to both Khadija and Andrew. 👏
Quite literally spilling the tea! Good morning Khadija 🥰
Literally
I notice that i often blame the elderly for political problems in my country, like they hadn’t done “enough”. But then i realize that it’s easier to put a blame on others, then to actually take action and change smth
You know for whom it’s easy to take action and change? The elderly people literally running the country
Thank you for this! As a parent, I am always listening and unlearning all the things thrust upon me as a child. It is hard work, and I send hugs to all the parents, teachers, and caregivers on this journey too!
Totally eye-opening stuff. I absolutely feel the damage in my brain from corporal punishment and constant intimidation in my childhood.
This inspired me, makes me wish I could have kids just to put some healthy humans into the world for once. I'm afraid I'm too messed up to handle parenting responsibly; in a sad twist, it's the really messed up people think they're the best parents of all time and reproduce with abandon.
I look at my parents and I can clearly see how my dad's relationships with his dad affects his own parenting of me. so like, yeah of course it's negatively affected my development, but I've been trying to cut him some slack as I'm getting older and seeing the patterns. my partner and I don't plan on having kids, but still seeing my cousin's kids, I'm figuring out how to help them explore their own individuality. my one cousin has asked me to explain gender to her baby once she's old enough to understand and how she can choose for herself so that's good.
I really LOVED the section regarding raising children and advocating for alternative ways of raising your kids because so many people nowadays, even young people around my age still see no problem with hitting their children. I would LOVE an entire video on that if possible, I feel like so many people could gain a massive insight from it.
Look up gentle parenting.
Compassionate communication
As a teacher I am consistently learning from the students I teach. Half the time I think they are much more intelligent than me! I tell them every day they are the future adults and their ideas and actions are so powerful in terms of creating change and I am grateful that I have the opportunity to change my mind everyday due to them.
Currently on a deep dive about generational differences in mental health, and this was just... so freakin' good. So well communicated and well researched; I really hope it helps young people feel seen and encouraged, and that it sparks some self-reflection in older people.
This collab was so OP, I hope you two do more work together!
Appreciate this video. It has me rethinking some of my own teaching practices. There are many arbitrary rules and policies that if honestly challenged I would have no response at all.
I agree, I'm not a parent but I am a teacher and this makes me rethink some things classroom practices especially since I teach kindergarten. This is what I needed to reflect and adjust on ways I can give students more opportunities to build on autonomy in my classroom.
it's so comforting to hear that Trinidadian accent. Loved this video.
Thank you! The same realization - that ageism is always focused on the elderly - hit me after listening to Bill Maher complain again and again about Ageism but then he hates on millennials all the time and is disrespectful towards children.
Your commentary is always fascinating.
OMG!!! A legendary crossover !!! Thank you both for doing this collaboration and sharing so many good thoughts
I've decided a long time ago that I will not physically punish my children and I will not allow anyone else to. I have trouble standing up for myself, but I will tell my family that they will not be able to see my kids if they hurt them.
I've seen my cousin's kids cry at the mere threat of getting spanked. Idea the terror in their faces and I knew I never wanted my kids, or any kids, to feel that way.
This is bloody fantastic. There are tons of lessons in here that I didn't pick up for myself until deep into adulthood, decades too late.
I found that bell hooks’ “Teaching to Transgress” is as good a parenting manual as anything else out there. Cheers.
Edit:
Pedagogy of the Oppressed (Paulo Freire)was also instrumental in my decision to avoid as much of the banking system of pedagogy as possible as I homeschool my kiddo.
Im trying to unlearn all this stuff as well being around my niece I just want to the best I can and stop this cycle
This is great! Thank you. As a youth worker in the UK, I'm familiar with a whole profession who consciously approach children and young people with respect and recognise and affirm their agency and lived experience. We have much to learn from and with the younger generation. Social media has helped highlight this! I'm not a parent myself yet so I dunno what conventional methods I'd actually resort to if in that position, but I'd like to think the theory and practice I've been exposed to will inform my parenting. Who knows?!
This is good stuff. The more I discuss different social issues the more it is clear that the root, the key to change society lays in how we raise children. It is so much harder to unlearn whatever fucked up shit we were taught, rather than not learning it in the first place. I heard this concept frequently in relation to feminism: in many contexts there was no continuity between the 70s feminism and the more recent wave, so a lot of young girls had nobody who passed down to them all the knowledge and awareness of the patriarchal society. They had to redo the work of self liberation almost from scratch
I think your point about kids and gender is valid but it's also important to note that it's great to allow kids to take hormone blockers, given the transphobic steps backwards the UK has taken recently.
Yea, I more so meant plastic surgery but realize I didn’t specify enough when I spoke.
Saint Andrewism directed me to this channel and it’s amazing! Love this video!
I teach adolescents and I find this video extremely important both on personal and systemic level, thank you for making it!
Just wanted to say this might be my favorite video you've put out so far. I feel like this perfectly sums up my relationship with my mom and puts both our perspectives into context.
Thank you for uploading this. I think learned a lot just by watching it
The algorithm would NOT stop recommending this to me. She knows me so well
Montessori is a great child-lead philosophy in line with this! I love Doctor Becky at Good Inside as well
as a studies kindergarden teacher and social worker i got to say great video and thank you for making it.
I'm all about breaking generational curses. I was beaten into submission in boarding by everything from hose pipes to hockey sticks. Hockey sticks!!! I was 13! It's one of the reasons why I'm adamant about having kids because of all the embedded toxicity that was passed on from generation to generation. Also why I'm in therapy to heal from the trauma because I want to do better..to BE better. .to unlearn and unpack things that I used to think we're normal but we're just trauma masked by ageism, "tradition", Religion and internal racism. Also changing the narrative that talking about mental health issues is a taboo. Can we also address how families(especially BIPOC communities) would be quick to condemn kids questioning their sexuality but turn a blind eye to family predators??? How do you infantilize and adulftify children at the same damn time?! Smh.
This is a phenomenal video, and definitely one I needed. I have an absentee black father who was emotionally abusive and was definitely raised/disciplined all of his children with control and domestication (mostly to feed his ego). I distinctly remember a time where, as a child, after belting me for 5 minutes on my own bed I afterwards I tried to argue with him that what he was doing was abusive and that I could go to child services- He just laughed in my face and left the room. That moment never left my memory. I felt so powerless in the face of such nonchalant cruelty. I didn't ask to be born into this world but here I am being mocked for trying. If I ever end up in a situation where I have younger folk in my care/community, I would want them to be empowered as individuals and know that they're being heard. As a queer POC I know what it feels like to have to suppress everything just to survive. The youth of the future deserve way better than that.
Saint Andrewism really out here collabing w all my favorite video essayists seemingly out of the blue. Bless
This is an incredible video, thank you!! As a millennial, I find I have to push back against other people my age who view younger (or older) people as a different species because of their "generation". It's always seemed so silly to me. This explanation was so well done and thorough while also staying concise, it's an easy decision to share with people who aren't comfortable discussing the issues here. Again, thank you!!
18:30 Why the dichotomy between the "good" natural behavior and instincts and the "bad" learned behaviour? Where does that come from? Isn't kindness also taught? Compassion and respect? Tolerance of difference?
I'm not religious, but I know some kind hearted and caring religious people, just like I've encountered some self centered assholes that grew up in very non restrictive environment. I can't agree with the notion of humans being essentially good. Actually, I can't agree with essentialism in general. It's our experiences that shape us and choosing some of the experiences you want your kids to have is part of parenting.
Ouuuuh j’ai vraiment aimé la partie où tu parlais du développement de l’enfant! Très bon Vidéo!