Dating When You've Had a Bad Childhood
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- čas přidán 17. 06. 2024
- Dating is always a slightly daunting process, involving the need to gather our courage to reveal that we like someone - and that they may not like us... But we're not all the same in our levels of anxiety around the dating game. For some of us, dating is especially arduous for one particular reason that we may not have considered in enough depth: our childhoods...
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“In the course of any adult life, there will be periods when we’ll end up involved in that slightly odd, slightly unrepresentative and invariably slightly challenging activity: looking. Most people around us won’t be any the wiser, but with greater or lesser subtlety, we will be scanning: suggesting coffees and lunches, accepting every invitation, giving out our email addresses and thinking with unusual care about where to sit on train journeys. Sometimes the rigmarole will be joyful; at times, a bore. But for a portion of us, as many as one in four, it will count as one of the hardest things we ever have to do. Fun won’t remotely come into it. This will be closer to trauma. And it will be so for a reason that can feel more humiliating still: because, a long time ago now, we had a very bad childhood - one whose impact and legacy we still haven’t yet wholly mastered.
It may not look like it, but babies are also looking out for love. They’re not going out in party smocks or slipping strangers’ their phone numbers. They are lying more or less immobile in cribs and are capable of little besides the occasional devastating cute smile. But they too are looking out for someone’s arms to feel safe in; for someone who can soothe them, someone who can stroke their head, tell them it will all be OK when things feel desperate and lend them a breast to suck on. They are looking - as the psychologists call it - to get attached…”
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Thank you so much for creating this channel. I absolutely love it!
Yes, I have found dating is very difficult. My parents divorced when I was 10 years old, I always wanted to be loved, feel loved but I know I have always searched love in the wrong places. That's also making me sad
The School of Life I decided to just focus on myself and achievements and travel, dating was a waste of time, money,emotions and mental sanity from the constant inability to understand why actions that should elicit positive responses as they do with most other people in daily life either are not at all appreciated or have negative responses instead. Maybe will try again in the future but honestly society’s future is looking more and more bleak everyday with the insanity and social experiments being imposed. Everyday is like walking on egg shells trying to avoid saying, doing or sometimes having not done anything but somehow offended someone by something that wasnt even remotely offensive and was ok just a few years ago.
X W life seems to be one giant double standard or contradiction of what we are told is actually the complete opposite of what it is in reality. Like treating others with kindness is seen as a sign of weakness and just usually leads to you being used and discarded right after. That seems to be the common theme for a lot of concepts in life. Quite sad honestly.
I don't anyone to LOVE me. I can't handle the responsibility.
@@SFbayArea94121 exactly!! This is exactly how I feel, so sad and cold the world we are living in.
"It's unfair and overwhelming to ask someone who you've known for 12 hours, to make up for a lifetime of loneliness." ah. thanks. that one hit kinda hard
Quite a bit contradictory when it comes to the instance that the person you've known for 12 years end up in 12 seconds every sort of bond with you and the person who you've known for 12 minutes stays forever with you, only if.
This is exactly what happened to me!!!
Been on both sides of that coin...
🤗
Kaj Lutyens same here OOF
To everyone in the comment section: I wish you luck and happiness.
likewise
That's very kind Reyner. Same to you!
You too
You just said that for likes.
Thanx. You too.
"Everyone knows how to make babies, but nobody knows how to be a parent"
I got the quote from a song is named, Stromae - Papaoutai is a very beautiful song
It sounds like a translated version of the german saying: "Eltern werden ist nicht schwer, Eltern sein dagegen sehr."
Tout le monde sait comment faire des bébés mais personne sait comment faire les papas !
What an intense words
*^^^^this*
some people who had bad childhood know how to be a parent, but they dont know how to be in a relationship
It's not just dating. I've realised childhood abuse has made me Live in default survival mode. It feels so terrible because I can see that i don't know how to interact with anyone like normal people do. It's so painful, it physically hurts.
I’m the exact same I just stay alone all the time and avoid socialising
It suuucks doesn’t it 😂😭 I’ve had two relationships in which I in the first few months unravel my upbringing then figured I was lucky ? that anyone would feel the urge to care for me, to love me, although I feel I am broken in many ways. The way I love is selfless, because I practically lack a sense of self, but neither relationship did work, and quite frankly I’ve been alone my whole life outside of those relationships and making them the center of my world.. I now have to construct a life from scratch and learn to feel that I’m good enough.. my first session with a counselor is tomorrow and I highly suggest you try it as well if possible because, it hurts too much to live life so secluded, I think healing is the only way to somehow grow out of it, I really hope, I don’t want to live my whole life as this scared and self conscious existence, I’m more scared to live than to die, and that makes it hard to relate to anyone who doesn’t have trauma.. yet I literally do not think I’m able to love again, for awhile, I don’t want to explain my story to anyone, but it’s questionable why I don’t have any family, seriously think unless I do manage to love myself I will not be willing to open up to anyone again, it’s terrifying.
I feel the same way as well,I had a terrible childhood and it pretty much shaped me into this scared,neurotic, controlling, depressed and anxious person that I am today.I am 28 years of age and I've never been in a serious relationship because I have trust issues and i don't want kids of my own either because I'm worried that what happened to me as a child would happen to my kid too and that's a chance I'll never take because I can't leave something of that magnitude to fate/chance.
Complex ptsd hinders the executive functions in the brain, and it’s particularly rampant in the US. For generations parents were taught to let children “cry it out”. Instead of stimulating resilience, it affected the adverse.
@@ericmuschlitz7619 Thank you for this point. In the US they call it "sleep training." Maybe it has to do with a strong emphasis on work in US society, and being unwilling to stay up at night and comfort a child as much and as long as is needed since this would make being successful at work the next day hard for the parent.
What are your thoughts on a better method for soothing babies at night?
"Sadness is so much easier to take than hope."
I felt that.
Have you found the way out of that sadness thing?....I m stuck exactly there
Matilde Gomez why did I physically flinch when I read this? :(
"I felt that"
I felt that!
Same 😢
I can relate... So afraid of being abandoned again, it's easier to just reject everyone around me
They say that children grow up to be similar to their parents, I'm trying my best to not be like them
Mingi In Doir sadly this is became kinda one of my goals in life
Me too and I am scared I am failing
Same
I hear u.i wish u success.
and in those ways, becoming the opposite of your parents may also be harmful. if a anonymous person on youtube could suggest anything, be yourself. find out what that looks like, what makes you happy or sad, pursue the things that give you a will to live, think about who you want to be and be that. you are capable of it. by trying to avoid becoming your parents, you are still painfully living in their shadow.
me: why do I feel crap?
The school of life: you had a terrible childhood and your parents didn't love you
Same. Sending love. ♥️I hope you have a nice day.
Same
It's not a troll if it's true. It's true for me too.
It's called life, trauma for some, humiliating for others,it could go wrong, mind games with others, coldness or indifference, who is available, self-doubt about any request, disguised for sudden hatred, accept your suspicions, trauma from childhood affects the adult, if you make it to adulthood, errors of judgement could cause a catastrophe, take your time if that's what you got, don't risk your sanity,no partner is ever good enough🚩💲✅
@@brienmaybe.4415 What?
This should have been called “7 minutes of calling you out” cuz omg this hit hard
Right😅😆
Lmaaao😂😂😂😂😂
Yep
Same tho 😭
I have never been so call out until this moment lmao
Don’t want to make the same mistakes as my parents...
I felt that💖
I feel you, man. It is like love will never last so just stay skeptical.
Thats why I am scared of becoming a parent, I don't think I want to like this
you run away from the mistakes your parents made into other "mistakes"
Mistakes are a skewed way of looking at reality. The law of causality dictates that there are no mistakes. Everything happens for a reason and that reason becomes the basis for something new to happen and so on. What you label as mistakes I label as regrets. Regrets are a deep wish that things would have been different and many times this "different" equals to "what society standards are for(various things, idealisms)". But nobody had your life so how can you compare yourself with others? Actually nobody ever lived your life and nobody will ever live a life like yours and thats what makes it so special. Comparing yourself to others will only lead to negative outcomes. This is why social media is so detrimental for mental health, because we look outside for other people to tell us who we are and compare ourselves to a higher standard instead of looking inside for our true self.
I totally relate.
"The trauma we fear will happen has already happened."
- Thank you for this insight.
🥰
So does it mean it won’t happen again?
Yep I survived it all makes me a survivor
It' HUGE !
@@YasFlowers I think we tend to unconsciously put ourselves in situations where we can relive the trauma over and over again. Then ideally we could process it and learn new ways of handling the situation. But without understanding what's actually happening, we often just end up hurting ourselves by letting things go as they have always went since the trauma was formed. Commiting to toxic relationships one after another is a classic example.
The solution seems to always include major changes in one's own attitude. Sometimes the hurtful situations become better for us if we learn to see and take them differently. But sometimes there's nothing we can do to the situation itself - especially if others involved are not willing to. Then it's often the best to just leave and find better places to be.
I do this with friendships aswell...I end up losing touch with friends because I end up convincing myself they hate me or are talking about me or that I’m just annoying them
Are your friends and you going to the Drachenschanze in Meddlfrangn?
same here, i almost ruined my friendship with my bestfriend cuz i always think everyone secretely hates me or that i continuously annoy them
i always need reassurance
I just cried reading this. Smh
Try to get some personality tests. May be you have some curable diagnosis.
Your statement is part of cluster diagnosis. And most of them is curable and there is numerous techniques to cure that.
Let me explain. It's not possible that everyone don't like you so that you push everyone away..
BPD and anxious, depressed people do that often. Don't be affraid ask help.
With psichiatrist help you may be learning to love your self. Than you will be happy and complete. That will allow you to make friends without problem.
Only one thing to ou need to accomplish- to start love yourself
The worst about being hurt by others is that all the healing is left to you, no one can fix your problems for you, even if they want to.
G cool I mean this the nicest way, NO ONE can fix your problems ONLY YOU CAN. For example if someone fixes you a plate, no one can force you too eat. You know what I mean?
@@daisyt4090 This ia so true, and it is what makes it a challenge. Oftentimes it feels easier to help others than to help oneself.
Best of luck to you, friend!
Only you can help yourself but it sucks when you don't even have a stable support system to help you.
You know what they will also do, they'll keep kicking you.
everyone can mess you up, no one can fix you...
"1 in 4 people". That's the audience of this channel.
I want statistics about that, I think 5-10% is more realistic.
True
All my friends. So.
@@MrOssyMoro This is called anxious attachment. 50% of people have an insecure attachment style, and at least half of that is anxious. So 1 in 4 is a good estimate.
CZcams algorithm is so invasive to my state of being 😨
My problem is that I get attached too fast and take almost every little shit as rejection.
Thanks bad childhood.
I used to be like that and still have those tendencies.
A cup of coffee isn't a ring. A "no" isn't the end of the world.
bigh012345 how did you improve your situation my friend?
I have been burnt so many times I tend to feel dettatched, awaiting the inevitable =/, no point attaching feelings if its just gonna break anyway, right? At least how I feel.
Learn about insecure attachment styles/ issues and how to overcome them.
Make life your bitch, meditate be positive , we tend to make life so hard cause of our minds ,start controlling your mind
Currently learning about attachment theory in college and damn does it explain so much. Childhood really does affect everything when you grow up but it doesnt mean we are destined to misery. To anyone else suffering right now, you can do this and I am proud of you
Thank you, that's really heartwarming
Youre not proud of anyone, stop with the corny comments
Aww
i hope so tnx
@@Guts_Brando uhm chile anyway 💀💀
Nvm dating.....even forming a platonic relationship with another human being is extremely difficult.when u are so damaged from years and years of depression and isolation and loneliness.....
I struggle with the same thing. :/
💕
Completely agree.
You need to remind yourself that was a long time ago
Exactly like literally since leaving school 11 years ago making any sort of friend or even maintaining a friendship is impossible
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
Perks of being a wallflower!🙌
Azura Quarian “can we let them know they deserve more?”
“we can try...”
This movie was the key to my past. It was as if I watched myself...it helped me open up for my grief. I had more traumatic experiences than Charlie but I have a very similar personality. I am also a writer...however, the most crucial difference is that I am 32 years old now and I didn't have any empowering experiences so far, I also didn't find the help that he found...so it is true. Most of the time, happy endings are only for movies
@@noahwitt259 we definitely can... 😇
@@alexganea17 well, I'm so sorry to hear that. But I read this quote, "Don't let your past blackmail your present to ruin a beautiful future." I'm 18 and I'm not as mature as you are. But I really hope this quote helps you....
Dating after having had a bad childhood is an absolute mess.
For real I'm so much more content with being single.
Indeed. I'm 42 and never managed to settle into a stable relationship. Dating always ended badly, as my anxiety always got the best of me.
thats why i never got accepted by any girl
@@abikinebi6235 20 years old and never been on a date. Really hurts because I don't know a single person who has never had a girlfriend/boyfriend, I'm literally the only one.
@@isaiahexile You're not the only one, tons of others have not either. And in some ways it's better to wait until you're older anyway, so you can consider who you are and what you really want vs falling for someone and getting involved before really knowing who you are or how you will be a good support to someone else. It's ok
I just want to be single forever... because I don't want anyone to use me emotionally or physically or sexually , i always ruin every relationship i get into because I get overwhelmed and anxious about it , staying single gives me the feeling of stability and control
I can absolutely understand. It just hurts when you try to be honest about your issues (in my case anxiety) and people eventually leaving me because of it. Love and warmth to everyone :')
Same
Yes Min I agree, I'm staying single too it has proven safe and effective for me.
Same, just fiddling with women for me for now.
It wouldn't kill you if you try
"Its unfair and overwhelming to ask someone you have known for 12 hours to make up for a lifetime of lonliness"
Yes
My bad childhood teachs me a lesson that I'm gonna really take care of my future children.
...Good on you!!!
I didn't want kids at all due to my upbringing. Got pregnant unexpectedly. Was worried that I wouldn't bond with my child. But as soon as I laid eyes on him...I was in love. I may not have been a perfect mother...far from it....but my son knew that I loved him every day! Even now (he's 21)..when the chips are down - he knows who has his back! I often look at the way I treat him and the things I do and say to him and I'm proud of myself. I look back and wonder how I would have turned out if I'd had me as a mom. Again....not perfect by a long mile...did my best and let him know every day that he was a 'good boy and that mommy loved him the very best!'
My bad childhood taught me that I don't want to inflict all my emotional baggage on another innocent child. I'm ending the cycle.
@@LibertyLobotomy that's very kind of you. But do teach your son, How to be a MAN. Because there is a psychological problem with boys raised by single mothers. I would recommend him watching videos of Coach Red Pill or Jordan Peterson...
@@Danheim641 That's great advice. He lived with his dad 50% and I married a man who became his step dad 50%. Unfortunately both were terrible role models that I attracted because of my familiarity with this entire subject of being rejected and not bonding properly with my parents. So..unfortunately my son didn't win the lottery in the dad department which is, indirectly, on me.
@@kojayeoja me too
I hate it when I realize how much I have projected my own fears from my past into the present and created my own problems...
agree, problem perpetuating is a downside from repeated history
I been doing the same thing :(
I’m glad I’m not the only one going through this... I’m 27 and in the past 2 years just slowly realizing this. /:
Cecilia Sierra
Don’t feel too bad, I think most of us go through it at one point in our lives. I’m 24 and just had a bad case of problem-perpetuating with somebody from my work. We were hitting it off for a while, then I said/did 1 silly thing or other, and my brain went into full over-thinking mode. “How did they feel about that” “how do they see me now” etc, etc. And then when something similar happened again that thought process just kept going. I found myself making mountains out of molehills. A lot of the problems, and judgements I was envisioning in my head were just that, all in my head.
I unfortunately realized that too late. I’m sure it became clear that I was watching how I acted and how I spoke in order to avoid being in that position again. I stopped being myself and naturally things didn’t progress any further.
Sorry, I know you didn’t ask for this rant, but just wanted to let you know you’re definitely not alone.
Abused when i was young. My dad told me i was worthless and i was beat up by my older brother. They all think i should just get over it
I understand. I know it's quite hard when people say "get over it" I hope one day you'll heal your wound. 🌻
“Kids aren’t smart” I was told but hit with a belt if I didn’t get 100. Now I realize the youths 16 yr olds, 20-30s , can be awayyy smarter that adults who’s brains are declining and just addicted to pattern.
Oh I really feel bad for you. May I know What's the age gap between you and your brother ?
@@NM-vs5lg 10 years, he started beating me up when i was 5
@@dysvanlist ☹️. Please forget your past. There is always a way. Be happy ♥️♥️♥️
I'm 29 years old. I've never dated in my life.
And I don't even know how to start.
I tried dating and now at 24, it feels like the most disastrous experience ever.
Look up alpha M on CZcams
I’m 40 and in the same boat
start by finding out what interests you. then look for people with the same interest. then ask someone too hang out.
@@sukairo I hope you're trolling, mate
This video is based on Attachment Theory. I recommend researching it if you want to know why you relate to people the way you do.
I just started going in depth with that a couple months now. I understand myself and my partner so much better now it is crazy. I’m a Fearful Avoidant who’s always been with anxious or secure types. He’s my first Dismissive Avoidant so I could not understand why I sometimes felt anxious within the relationship, I’ve always been in the slightly detached “man” role. But knowing what’s going on has really helped me deal with his little two-three day withdrawals within himself, makes me realize how much he needs consistent reassurance and regularity in behavior from me, and understand how I used to interact with partners that may have been hurtful or that may not have been healthy. I’m so grateful to know all this.
@@just1desi Read Jung's "Modern Man in Search a Soul" and "Man and His Symbols"; You may find some wisdom in there that will help you journey.
Learning all of this a little too late I believe
@@Anomaleee it's never too late...
@The First Oregonism Jesus Christ, recommending one of the most well-known psychoanalysts to someone who's only just read a little developmental psychology is pretty irresponsible. They're very different areas of psychology and it would be jumping the gun to suggest someone dive into Jungian theories right after reading about attachment theory
my girlfriend is always secretly scared im going to leave her and hurt her like everyone else in the past did, so she becomes distant and angry and scared.
this video is exactly what i need to show her
thanks
Bless you for understanding and standing by her!
Actions speak louder than most words.
OTOH, those that have had tough times, can change the lense through which the view the world. Been my survival mechanism. I don't expect a certain reaction therefore I am not disappointed.
Kritikill I’m curious to know how that works out. My guess is it’d be rather overwhelming to be reassured that this is how you view her. It’s unlikely that she’ll just come to her senses, much less feel better. Emotion isn’t rational.
@@varko123 she knows she has problems, my best explanation for her would be... a cute caring woman that has strong triggers, those triggers give her kind of anger and sadness "attacks"... one of those triggers is her thinking im just going to leave like the rest in her past. she knows she needs help and as long as she isnt in one of these"attacks" she listens.
@@Kritikillll Be careful and remember to enforce clear boundaries
My mom left bruises on me as a baby :( I was only one year old. I had a very emotionally and physically abusive childhood up until I was old enough to move out. All my past relationships ended because of my constant suspicions and feeling unworthy of love. I have fear of abandonment and I tend to ruin the relationship before they could leave me first. Right now I’m with my boyfriend of 10 months, my longest relationship. He’s honestly god sent 🥺 no matter what he sticks with me and makes me feel like I’m worthy of love. I’m still having a tough time accepting it, but I’m grateful that he hasn’t gave up on me. I’ve never met someone so sweet and loyal, he almost washes all my fears away. 💜
Listen, I am so sorry that happened to you as a baby... Remember there's someone out there who would have loved to protect you and who wishes the best for you now.
Its hard being stuck at “I can completely relate to this but am unable to overcome this.”
This is probably why i have so many failed relationships
I've had a bad childhood and now I'm having a hard time dating because I don't really like anyone "that" much that I want to be around them often.
Same ,being alone is so much easier and mentally like freedom
Same. You should research abandonment issues. It’s interesting to learn and understand.
Same
Yes ! That
Same feeling
my name is Johnny and recently my girlfriend of 3 years ended everything over a 20 second phone call, after cooking thanksgiving dinner with my mother for the third year. two days later, she goes home unexpectedly and is acting strange. few hours later i get a call that says "she doesnt know she is anymore and she cant do it anymore." i thought she was going to hurt herself or something i was so confused we just had a great thanksgiving with my family, so i drive to her house and ring the doorbell. they are home, but nobody will come to the door. We were about to move out together, the next big step, in about a month. In an instant everything changed, she just blocked me on everything. we were very close, and even worse she was very close with my little sisters, they looked up to her. She had a rough childhood, this video really helped me realize the trauma she went through as a kid really does fuck up your brain for your entire life. 3:30 in the video where is says "she would rather crash the plane, than try and land it" and it shows her blocking a contact named johnny, just got me fucked up. thanks if you read all this. i dont usually talk about my feelings, but that was such a weird coincidence for this video that i thought i should share.
don't give up on her, Johnny, I wish you both the best
If there's any way you could keep us updated on your situation that would be great. Depending on what happens, I think we could learn a lot from your situation. (And good luck with everything)
Dodged a bullet, my man. What if that happened much later? That would've been worse
Rough Divide Rough Divide yeah. I was diagnosed with bipolar & depression when I was really young. When I started dating I was the one leaving the relationships. After many years of therapy I still struggle. I’ve wanted to give up on my current relationship so many times. Sometimes is because things are going too well that I feel like something bad is going to happen. Sometimes it’s because I within my self feel lost and feel like maybe I need to be by myself. Sometimes my head is in a very dark place and feel like nothing matters and what’s the point. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to be with my partner because he has to work much harder to be with me and I feel guilty that he is trying so much and I feel like I’m just weighting him down. My depression is never going to leave, I have to deal with it and I feel selfish when he has to deal with it too. We’ve been together for a long time and he tells me I’m worth it. I try my best to not try to run from things, we sit down and talk; he listens to me and I listen to him. I from the begging told him of my problems and here we are working together to stay together.
Don't worry, same thing happened to me and many others. There is no reasoning with them since it will only push them further away. You did nothing wrong man, you just can't fix another person's view of themself, no one can
This boils down to forgiveness of the past.
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different.”
Once we can understand and practice that, dating, among other things will be much different and in many cases, easier.
I don't understand. You can give up the hope because the past already happened, but without forgiving
That's like saying crimes shouldn't be punished
mb v bruh leave the anger behind man, it’s only keeping you from your future (which may contain SpaceX!)😀
I think you should ask youself if you don't accept your past or you afraid that it looks bad compare to other people past. In my case it was the issue.
Narrator: You cant die of loneliness
Me: Challenge accepted
😂😂😂 Lmao I’m same. Only thing I know is I learned to laugh and hard at my fucked yo childhood and then marriage I never saw coming (now divorced) a so this hit hard! 😭😭🤣
You might feel like wanting to die and even might try to end your days but he's right...you can't actually die of loneliness because even if it's strong enough to suffocate you and make you feel immense pain for a long time ..it won't ever actually be able to kill you. You probably already know that, but yeah.
@@ZA-charity Well,... I think it can.
Hahaha, you're on! Let's see who dies first of it!? Hahaha 😂
@@ZA-charity
Wrong. You can legit die from broken heart. Look it up.
"I miss the comfort in being sad."
Cobain
First thing I thought throught this video, too. Kobain wrote such amazing songs. My fav : Pennyroyal Tea.
@@danieln3757 He was a genius. Everytime i listen to nirvana i just can't believe how someone could come up with something like this.
@@tando9493 if you like Cobain try Gregory Alan Isakov. Not the same music but the lyrics are on that level. Also Lord Huron.
“Married.
Buried.”
Nirvana - “All Apologies”
@@jeremymenning56 thank you, i will
I found attachment in my cat. Having a little guy that sometimes loves you, sometimes doesn’t. Let’s you hug them. Play with them. And overall care about them. Makes me feel like someone is waiting for me.
And after that. I started dating. I’m not obsessed with attachment anymore because my cat will always be there for me.
My 21 years old cat died 2 months ago, she was my go to place every time it hurt. I would of burned the world for that little furr ball. I am still unable to watch pictures or videos with her and I never felt as empty. Love him and enjoy his love but also take steps to find strenght in you or you will also lose yourself when you lose him. All the best for you and your furry friend!
Osito Kintsugi If you keep your cat indoors and give a good diet, they can live 18-22 years.
My cat passed away over a year ago and I cried today seeing a street sign with his name on it. I'll always have the memories of him but they cause more pain than joy. I do not plan on owning any other pets, he cannot be replaced. I just feed the squirrels and birds now.
Ever wonder why so many women have really large dogs? ;)
totally agreee ,I am 70 years old and I learned love from my dog ,no human came close.
i just push everyone i love away with unreasonable things and tantrums and it gives me this odd satisfaction, this approval when they still stay. But i usually do it again and again and each time more extreme until they finally leave. I just can't bring myself out of this and I miss every single one of them.
Wow… me too.. reasonable toxicity I guess.
Bruh
Feel you
You’re not alone I do this too, I don’t know why, I thought I stopped behaviour like this a while ago. But I haven’t. It’s Just like the video, a healthy available person comes along and we become the overly critical micro managing monster of their love and actions.
Mee tooo
My dad abandoned me at a young age, his side of the family always rejected me as a child, my mom was a self absorbed woman who only cared about her dating life, looks, nightlife. 27 years later I struggle in my relationships. I have been told I’m cold, shut off, and emotionally withdrawn. I’ve been in therapy for a year... it can get better.
Who else wanna heal from their childhood trauma? Lets heal together.
Sounds like that Al Green's song ;-)
Suggestions?!?!
@@annamossity8879 I'm also figuring out. I used to love to write as a kid. In recent past I have started to write short poems to express myself. I feel like art has power to heal you. If you have any suggestions then tell us?
Yesss. My childhood was great though it’s my teen years that really went downhill....
How about we stay in contact with each other and support each other
The timing of your videos is scary !!! Just when i needed it the most
Same here! ❤
@@guptadagger896 I agree
Same i was just thinking how messed up my childhood was 😔
Me too!
For real
I cried when he said something along the lines of "You might feel like you don't deserve love".
This is really sad. Now, my lil brother too, dont wanna get married, and at young age, he saying that. Its bcos we're scared becoming the same as our father, who is never showing affection towards my mother and to all my siblings. But me and my lil brother, trying our best to not become like our father, and try our best to be a better version of him
Some people are damaged right from the beginning 😢👎
Your story may not have such a happy beginning, but that doesnt make you who you are. It is the rest of your story, who you choose to be, that makes you who you are.. So who are you?
There are no bad children. Just bad parents.
@@iseafools1559 math says you're wrong
Indeed. I've spent a great amount of time struggling with my bad childhood experience since being an adult, but still not fully recover from that. Sometimes I feel so tired and even a bit jealous of those who come from a happy family, and wonder if i am doomed to be alone forever.
@@LuchadorMasque feel free to disagree
I say forget dating, focus on making friends. Soon there will be one you wish not to part with so easily.
What if it's even challenging to make any friends at all 😖
@@cutecatsara123 the same thing...
@@cutecatsara123 Been there. First accept your quirks and find others that can do the same. Then take advice from them, like don't talk about only one thing or yourself etc... Getting yourself out there is probably the biggest boon for your social game. Just make sure you go places where you can find like minded individuals.
Quite Indeed dont fall for the friendzone you can only leave by parting
@@Kamelot19 The friendzone is where you should be shooting for. You can tell oh so much about the person you think you care about, and it gives you time to consider other options. If they really care about you, they won't let you leave their life when you finally confess your true feelings.(of which you should leave if your feelings can't be matched) The hardest part about friends, is knowing when to leave them to find better ones.
As someone who was abused and neglected growing up and had a heroin addict mother who walked out on me and chose her drug addict boyfriend in prison over me .. this is so relatable and reading the comment I feel not so alone
I'm so sorry 😞 love ❤️ no 9ne deserves that
The fact that we found this video when we needed it means we somewhat aware and trying to find the answer .... that’s all I have
29 years young and yet I'm still on that track.
Good luck you gorgeous people.
On but it's such a good track to be on!
If you're starting to see these patterns you're on the right track.
It is very presumptuous to think I am gorgeous.
Ron Nickels your soul def is
So this is why I’ve been obsessed with a married man for 5 years - because I want and expect painful relationships. I never thought of it this way.
we're used to it so we seek it out cause its comfortable :l
@PunOko : To think about it is really quite sickening. It makes me very uneasy.
You leave that married man alone lol
The ego just wants to win, but really you are after unemotional available people who want to use you as a side piece. Thats not love!
This is kinda selfish to ruin people relationships. It's another woman's man. Do you like if your husband with another woman? Think about it
Growing up I didn't have a good childhood. I'm in my mid 40's and I never had a date or a gf.
I wish you all the luck, and all the love, and every good and positive things and energie that you never had and surely deserve✌🏽
Damn, dunno how you've lasted that long
@@Churlz wow... tell us, where you graduated in giving great answers in youtube comments... 🤦🏻♂️
same.
well not 40 yet though.
29 and never dated. Just always been too afraid or anxious, doubting myself. This explains so much when looking back on my life and I'll try not to let the past dictate my efforts moving forward. I think I'll give it an honest try.
is CZcams spying on me
Yes... #thealgorithim
@@jihanmcdonald3087 i knew it
Your pic is literally me watching this right now
z 🤣🤣🤣🤣same
I need a hug
I haven't been romantically interested in anyone ever. I never saw my parents being affectionate towards each other, only fighting and violence.
But it's okay since I don't feel lonely. I can't miss something I haven't ever felt.
That sounds like the loneliest, most miserable teenage early 20's way to end that.
Same. I literally never been romantically attracted to anyone. 99% of the people in my life are toxic and horrible.
And my parents marriage was basically violence and costant arguments too. Now I just hate the idea of relationships and I especially **loathe** the idea of marriage.
Holy crap this is me and now I’m starting to understand now.
kinda same here... i don't miss romance but i do miss sex.. and i can't find that either in this fucked up world.. it's like a rare gem.. also ive seen my parents being affectionate like 1-2 times and it was like wtf? stop acting like very cheap actors..
@@alexice113 Yeah, it must be really odd to see parents being affectionate when they usually aren't. It feels awkward and out of place.
Right, so forget dating entirely.
Same honestly .. I'm done dating until I've graduated
@I'm done sir, fuck you.
@I'm done we need experience?
It’s incredible how someone from your childhood can scar you so much, I never get too close to babies just in fear of being that someone who made my life living hell to them
Me: *feels sad*
TheSchoolofLife: IT'S YOUR CHILDHOOD!
Well it usually is !
Spot on! xx
loads of things can be affected by one's childhood, and it's virtually never the child's fault. this is why I hate bad parenting with a passion
That's not the point of this video you moron
@@nora4981 but it kinda is
As someone who suffered years of abuse as a child and young adult, this makes me feel really sad.
I feel your hurt. 💔
Fuck that we out here big balls deep bitch
Same.
Uaint Shytho 😂😂😂
Same...
So many great quotes in this video. The one that struck me most is: "The challenges we set up for ourselves are attempts to get back in touch with a trauma we haven't either understood or mourned."
“Sadness is so much easier to bear than hope”
Why?
@@chantalx388 We all know sadness, but disillusionment is way worse. It's the fear of hope, it's the belief that hope won't be worth it.
Chantal X Because, basically, you don’t want to have high expectations only to be disappointed every single time. When you have had that many negative experiences, it just starts downing on you that you can’t really trust people, tbhz
But that only leads to a negative outlook on life and a self-fulfilling prophecy
@@DasRaetsel what you call negative some people see as realistic.
If desperately looking for a mate, you may unluckily attach yourself to someone who gives you the attention you never received in childhood, only to find out later that he/she is a narcissist. So hard to discern the reality of the situation when emotions are involved.
Happened to me...
You don’t deserve it
Haha well I’m in luck I know exactly what a narcissist is like my mother is one
@@desperateenuf6230 Touché
I need to remember, when it comes to relationships, that you can’t fix the childhood a potential partner comes with.
This should be pinned
Spent my entire life looking for men that were cold, distant and did not want me still at least had the good sense to not have any children - dread to think what I would have passed on.
Right? Same here. Rather just not be a parent then be a shitty one.
Just sayin, the "infant" in this video is more relating to our infantile emotional maturity. I can see clear as day that at 22 years old I'm still searching for the same thing I was as an infant.
Same. I'm 21 and living with that unsatisfied, unhappy infant inside me gets too much at times. But I'm finally starting to understand why I have that 'child-like' persona, which many people have pointed out and it makes me so uncomfortable.
@@lijjja8184 it's a damn slow roll, but there must be a tipping point. I wish you the best. Work hard and love yourself, nobody can ask anymore.
@@RickFoxChicken Thank you so much, I wish the best for you and your recovery as well. We'll find our way somehow 💟
Same. I'm 27 and feel this way. It sucks sometimes. What I found odd is that I lolw to be the mature one of my friends because skem of my friends are super childish, but now I see that I'm just as childish as they are.
@Christian Tyler right on brother! Whatever you need to make you feel right, so long as it's healthy :))
I was dating someone for 2 years who had a bad childhood, at the end, I got hurt because I was never enough despite I love him deeply. Now I understand that some people need to learn to love themselves in order to love someone else.
This!
I got burned too for the same reason
Same situation here! I dated a guy for 2 years too. Despite the red flags and all, I understood him - we even talked and dug deeper into his childhood. It's like dating and knowing psychology at once. I told him that every bits and pieces of love he's giving me, I'm accepting because I understand and not because of pity or a charity case. Relationships he had in the past were toxic ones and he found something different with me, it seems too unfamiliar and then he left. I'm a victim of "It's not you, it's me". I know the answers but I still can't get over him.
@@ariannejanevelasquez5232 oh, i'm so sorry to hear that, you are very beautiful and seem so understanding. It's the mentality that we think we don't deserve someone like you. Self-sabotage is the biggest reason for not letting people in, I really hope your 'friend' gets better now it's hard though.
KellarJS KellarJS it may sound cliché and easier said than done but 4:36 separate past traumas to present reality. There's another video by School of Life entitled "Can people change?" hope that gives a bit of enlightenment
I just run away from relationships. I run away from people who show interest. And even when I'm about to get a crush, I stop myself. Because I know I'm so unstable, I don't think anyone could handle me, and they shouldn't have to. As I'm afraid I'll fall hard, and they'll end up leaving, but I think I'm also afraid of them staying. Ugh this sucks :(
Sometimes that’s probably for the best. Seems a lot of our peers aren’t equipped to handle it.
its not about handling each other when you find the right person, its supporting and enjoying each other
Dear CZcams, School of Life, my ability to reflect on myself. Thank you for free therapy.
I'm 23 and still haven't been in a relationship sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on being loved and loving someone but I have too many issues that I don't want to burden other people with it.
edit: I'm 25 now and still in the same situation. I'm considering online dating but honestly emotional connections and relationships just tire me out so idk at this point but I do like being single though
Same
Same
-me from the future
43, been through relationships, a divorce and you know whats still the same - me. sometimes it feels like im never gonna figure it out but im single and alone until i do. even then its probably better for everybody that i stay alone.
Take your time, good things come to those who wait. I am currently on the path of self improvement right now.
feeling like missing out is so hurtful, sometimes i cant even look at a couple in a park because i get extremely bitter and sad
My mom always told me to toughen up. I got so tough I cut her right out of my life.
So, an update...I changed my outlook and am being mature about the situation. Setting the example...I’ve developed more than enough tools to use in case of an issue.
Chance Briggs exactly- too harsh of an upbringing actually eventually we become more resilient than the perpetrators ever hoped we would become
Make peace with her and take responsibility for the rest of your life
You only have one mom
3.W.R you are right. It’s been hard but I’ve been making an attempt to be the man I need to be. It’s my responsibility
Chance Briggs the fact that you are aware is already a huge step , I wish you all the best man
3.W.R I truly appreciate it.
It's painful, but true. Makes me feel like I'm losing my sanity
"we may decide to settle the matter by ourselves preferring to crash the plane than to see how it might land"
That is so damn true.
*There’s a reason therapists ALWAYS ask about your childhood.*
“I have a fear of public speaking”
“Ok... so how was your childhood?? Parents? Divorced? Married?”
Sometimes the fear of public speaking can be from childhood. My mother used to laugh at me when I was first learning to read out loud as a 5-year-old. She would criticise my appearance, so I started being fearful of talking in front of people. It was only in my 20’s that I started to realise and worked out for myself, people may judge you for your looks, for how you say things, and if they do, they probably have a hard time with accepting themselves for those things, furthermore, what matters, what really matters, is what you have to say. If people are focused on how you say things, or how you're dressed, your weight, your imperfections, then they're not really listening to you, they're too busy listening to the judgements in their own head.
The people i only crush on is celebrities and teachers
this kinda explains why
because of...
*CHILDHOOD TRAUMA*
Yes and even if it's real... For sure we are very hesitant.... We overthink... We feel that we will go through the same pain that our parents have gone through... And we feel we will fail at it just like our parents
I can easily relate to it. I am so desperate in love that I have always ended by hurting myself mentally. Those who were even close to me, I soo them away by asking for more attention. . It is all because of the devastating childhood I have where all my pain goes unheeded, the attention I have never get in my childhood. I don't know whether I will be able to get any love in my life.
"Because sadness is so much easier to take than hope" that's exactly it, killing any hope that things might go well because of the chance they might not.
Wow. This was incredibly well done.
Didn't expect to see you here :)
Basically “Dating when you have an insecure attachment”. I truly believe attachment style is everything. Look into it, understand it, and take actions to change it! 💕
Finally someone who gets it! :)
Blaming your behavior as an adult on something that happened 30 years prior isn't exactly productive and the more time passes, the dumber it seems when you think about it.
@Amie B - Thank you for your comment. I never really understood what my problem was but I think I've found it today. Praise God and God bless you. 💜
Shallow shallow shallow
I clung onto abusers. Then I found Ivan. He saved me, loves me takes care of me. If that isnt love.... I love you ivan.thankyou.
Congratulations!
Have the balls to remember this the day when it'll be over.
@@niro56 I dont have balls and I dont need them. Pity u just cant feel happy for someone. Instead you felt contempt. Says alot about where u are in ur mindset actually. I hope u find peace whatever that looks like for u.
Because of my childhood(which I believed was healthy), I have trust issues and have incredibly high expectations for those in my life as I adopted an independent lifestyle, easily destroying any real friendships I have had.
...I'm fucked. Truly.
this got recommended to me when i needed it the most. is youtube trying to look out for me?
ur username aw
This topic is literally one of the most common problems of humanity
So not specifically you
I feel like these videos are just repetativley telling me my life will always suck because of my parents
Brittney James right i dont even know how to fix these overwhelming feelings of abandonment, guess im doomed lol
It highlights it to we can work on it.
I’m just so so so broken when it comes to romantic relationships.
Ah! I've often made the first move, liked someone "not interested", got rejected and got hurt. I expected them to make up for all the love I did not perceive as a child. Sometimes I still do this when the mind goes "autopilot". Thank you for creating videos like above one that put the truth directly yet softly, and, as an audience, I am willing to learn and listen.
I find it extremely hard. I wasn't out, even to myself, until I was about 30, and I'm now 61. So I never picked up those skills that most folks learn in their teens, on how to relate romantically (or erotically) to another. And now I not only am demisexual, but also have a bad case of imposter syndrome. I think, "what kind of guy would want a man like me?" to myself. Intellectually, I know I have a lot to offer: creativity, imagination, humor, and intelligence. I know literature and software development.
The baby handing out business cards made me laugh. "Hey I'm a baby. We should meet up sometime". 😄😄😄😄
I grew up with an alcoholic parent. Lots of screaming and mistrust. But I like to think that I'm working through it. These videos are great for reflection.
oh shit! I gotta watch it again 😂
@@jasonc2334 🎯 I see you.
Haha reminds me of the movie "Boss Baby".
@@jasonc2334 they're great for overthinking, too lol.
The frank and empathetic manner in which you speak always hits me. Sometimes I have to pause your videos because I need a moment to process what has just been said and how profound an impact it has had on me. It's listening to a learned mentor and a complete stranger, who just neutrally strikes each and every heart-aching nerve. It's not easy to bear because it confronts and challenges, but it makes me feel a little less alone. Thank you.
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Every now and then I come across a video that changes the entire paradigm of how I view my life, this was that video. Mind blowing.
I feel extremely called out by my recommendations rn
Haven’t seen this channel in a while. Good to see it’s still going strong
I wouldn't call a 50% reduction in production/output "strong" personally.
Sebastian Elytron, it could be that they’ve decided to take more time into every video, you don’t know.
Thanks, School of Life for understanding. How much I wish I could just play your videos to people every time I get it wrong.
Thank you for this. As someone who has a hard times expressing my feelings, this video basically described all of my feelings.
My problem is that I hate small talk, initiating convo with strangers and strangers in general. I also hate the "dating game" and prefer a more natural progression. I don't drink or party, to put the last nail in the coffin, I hate texting and social media.
fr, I used to love texting, but the lack of physical language bothers me a lot. You can give a message too many meanings.
You don’t have a problem . Embrace who you are .
It's good to see that this channel supports healing, overcoming the harshness of living, and adapting to your circumstances. Also it really makes it clear that we are all equally vulnerable as human beings.
Much love, a troubled person ❤
Paul Adrian Cirstea ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Never have I ever felt a youtube video more close my life. Thank You
THIS is everything I needed. How did I not know about this channel. Amazing way of narrating and summing this up in less than a university lesson’s time. Subscribed.
this is literally my life and i am not sure how to solve or heal this part of my life
same here brother
In the course of any adult life, there will be periods when we’ll end up involved in
that slightly odd, slightly unrepresentative and invariably slightly challenging activity:
looking. Most people around us won’t be any the wiser, but with greater or lesser
subtlety, we will be scanning: suggesting coffees and lunches, accepting every invitation,
giving out our email addresses and thinking with unusual care about where to sit on train
journeys. Sometimes the rigmarole will be joyful; at times, a bore. But for a portion
of us, as many as one in four, it will count as one of the hardest things we ever have
to do. Fun won’t remotely come into it. This will be closer to trauma. And it will
be so for a reason that can feel more humiliating still: because, a long time ago now, we had
a very bad childhood - one whose impact and legacy we still haven’t yet wholly mastered.
It may not look like it, but babies are also looking out for love. They’re not going
out in party smocks or slipping strangers’ their phone numbers. They are lying more or
less immobile in cribs and are capable of little besides the occasional devastating
cute smile. But they too are looking out for someone’s arms to feel safe in; for someone
who can soothe them, someone who can stroke their head, tell them it will all be OK when
things feel desperate and lend them a breast to suck on. They are looking - as the psychologists
call it - to get attached. But unfortunately, for one in four of us,
the process goes spectacularly wrong. There is no one on hand to care properly. The crying
goes unheeded, the hunger unassuaged. No one smiles reliably or cuddles confidently. There
is no welcoming breast. In the eyes of the care-giver, there is depression or anger where
there should have been delight and reassurance. And as a result, a fear of existence takes
hold for the long term - and dating becomes a very hard business indeed.
For those of us who experienced early let downs, there is simply little in us that can
ever believe that a search for love will go well - and we will therefore bring an unholy
commitment to bear on ensuring that it doesn’t. The dating game becomes the royal occasion
when we can confirm our deepest suspicion: that we are unworthy of love.
We may, for example, fixate on a candidate who is - to more attuned eyes - obviously
not interested; their coldness and indifference, their married-status or incompatible background
or age, far from putting us off, will be precisely what feels familiar, necessary and sexually
thrilling. This is what is meant to happen when we love: it should hurt atrociously and
go nowhere. Or, in the presence of a potentially kind-hearted
and available candidate, we may become so demanding and uncontained, so unreasonable
and urgent in our requests, that no sane soul would remain in contention. We will spoil
any potentially good impression by bringing a lifetime of self-doubt and loneliness onto
the shoulders of an innocent stranger. Alternatively, unable to tolerate the appalling
anxiety of not yet quite knowing where we stand, we may decide to settle the matter
by ourselves, preferring to crash the plane than see how it might land. We’ll interpret
every ambiguous moment negatively, for sadness is so much easier to bear than hope: the slightly
late reply must mean that they have found somebody else. Their busy-ness must be a disguise
for sudden hatred. The missing x at the end of their message is conclusive evidence that
they have seen through our sham facade. To master the terror of another letdown, we go
cold, we respond sarcastically to sincere compliments and insist with aggression that
they don’t really care for us at all, thereby ensuring that they eventually won’t.
To escape these debilitating cycles, we need to accept that we’re searching for someone
to love us while wrestling with the most fateful of background suspicions: that we don’t
in any way deserve love. It’s only by properly mastering what once
happened to us, the letdown we first experienced as infants, that we can start to separate
out past trauma from present reality - and therefore learn to navigate the ambiguities
and occasional risks of adult dating. It isn’t that we have been told that we don’t deserve
to exist; they’re just busy tonight. They don’t loathe us, they’re married to someone
else, as lots of people (who we carefully have chosen not to look at) happen not to
be. They’re not peculiar, it’s just unfair and overwhelming to ask someone you’ve known
for twelve hours to make up for a lifetime of loneliness.
We need to see that this is not the first time we have been ‘dating’. We have done
it before long ago and it was the ways in which it went very wrong that holds the key
to our adult errors - our intensity, our coldness and our lack of judgement. The catastrophe
we fear will happen has already happened. The challenges we set up for ourselves are
attempts to get back in touch with a trauma we haven’t either understood or mourned.
We can in time learn to ask people on a date because we grasp that we’re not thereby
asking them what we think we’re asking: do I deserve to exist? We’re asking something
far more innocent, and far more survivable were the answer to be negative: might you
be free on Friday? And we can survive because, even though we once got terribly hurt in the
nursery, we are now that most resilient of things: an adult. So we have many other options,
we won’t (as we once feared) die of loneliness if it doesn’t work. We can take our time,
we can allow things to emerge, we can tolerate ambiguity. And with such security in mind,
we can begin to do that most momentous of things: without risking our sanity, see if
someone we like might - after all -want to go out tonight
Our online shop has a range of books and gifts that address the most important and often neglected areas of life.
Such as finding a good enough partner,
THANK YOU SO MUCH. My internet sucks rn so I couldn't watch the videos. The visuals anyway confuse me so thank you for the text.
Thank you.
@@RutujaDicholkar ❤🌸
@@matanaemaroa6269 ❤🌸
@Philip Thomas 😂😂😂😂
The devilish hand controlling the little child is so touching and reminds me of the book, "Outwitting the Devil". It's the devil, the fears in us, which are, more or less our own creation, that runs the show, until you become aware of it and take hold.
Great video!
This really is the "school of life".
Thanks
i never fail to cry everytime i watch the school of life's videos. it's like FINALLY someone understands FINALLY!
I've known for years now that this is why I have such bad experiences in dating. My issue is understanding how to overcome a bad childhood, and a bad adolescence. I'm an adult now, and I have been talking to someone who is a wonderful person... but he insists on taking things slow and getting to know me first. I'm not used to this at all because I'm so used to having men go fast with me because their intentions were purely physical/sexual. Many times I have been telling myself to just block his number, to let everything crash and burn because that's what I've always done in the past. My heart is so confused by the concept of someone wanting to actually get to KNOW me before deciding on their feelings for me. I'm a pretty girl, as I've been told, and at this point I expect men to "fall in love" with me based on my appearance. The fact that this guy acknowledges that he thinks I'm beautiful but still wants to figure me out before dating me is foreign to me... but at the same time I like it. I just hate the slow and steady process - even though deep down I know it's the healthiest way to get to know someone, and it's much more lovely.
Sorry for the corny comment. I'm mainly writing this for myself so I can remind myself that true love usually takes time, and I need to force myself to wait and see how things go. I'm already working on overcoming my past trauma.
Also going to therapy too could help you out with you feeling this way and how you can overcome this as well. Its not a bad idea of trying to go talk to a professional on your emotional state about this relationship you are new to. I wish you the best luck.
Yes, was also going to ask if you’re in therapy... I used to have a codependent style of dating thanks to childhood abandonment and neglect. My adult relationships were fast, dizzy, almost like a drug. My needs suddenly became secondary to theirs. If you’re working on trauma, please keep that top priority - and it’s ok to stay single as you heal...even if he is interested and persistent. You come first, period 💕
Plot twist: he just wants sex.
Joking aside, many people have no idea what mature relationships entail.
I took it slow and steady with my ex before any physical intimacy.
I loved her (=I put her interests first). For example, she wanted to marry me at a tender age. I said 'not now'. She took it as a rejection.
After three years of being together she dumped me without explanation.
And that, is why I didn't marry her.
Are you there? Wanted to talk about something
I recognize myself way too much in this.
It is always a pleasure to here my struggles put into words rather than me failing to understand what is wrong. Helps with perspective
This video is so underrated, the tone of speech and the deep-meaning highly detailed animation and accurate to our emotions. This is pure art.