Stop changing FOR them / Relationship Advice
Vložit
- čas přidán 12. 09. 2023
- Should we change for our partner? Short answer, no. Long answer, absolutely. There's always something we need to change in order to work towards a better connection, a deeper bond, a more mutually respectful, fulfilling relationship with our partner. The question is, are you willing to change for the benefit of yourself and this relationship?
How to get HER in the MOOD (funny)
bit.ly/41AAZyS
If you ever want to support my work bit.ly/3FWA1Ez
#marriageadvice #relationshipproblems #datingadvice101
let's lead with self reflection instead of blame.
Honestly, I’m not even in a relationship but these videos help me with my relationship with myself in a cool, abstract way. It also helps me interpersonally. It helps me both intrapersonally and interpersonally. Intra (self) and Inter(others).
Me too
Ugh, if they were telling a joke about you at a party it was on purpose. I mean you don’t put down your partner by accident.
I have tears, thank you Jimmy..
Yes showing up as myself and not being afraid to end up alone, i ended the toxic dynamic that my ex narcissist fiance and i had, going no contact and it is peaceful.
I hope one day i can share this video with a future partner that is willing to put in the work.
So proud of the work you’re doing!! :)
I've address my boundaries etc to my spouse only to be gaslight, deflected and manipulated. To make matters worse they reach out to their family and friends tell them lies about what's actually going on and then their friends give them very poor advice based on the lies or tell them they are a victim. They'll never even want to change for themselves if their family and friends are telling them what they want to hear and that they are the real victim and not the problem based on lies.. it's a no win situation..
Yes, have experienced the same. And my spouse has addiction issues that he prioritizes over everything. I’m getting out and filing for divorce. You cannot have a functional relationship with a narcissist and keep your sanity.
Your spouse wants to have a relationship with the perfect mirror of his own distorted self-image.
You have two options regarding your spouse.
1. Committ self-identity suicide and become the perfect mirror of their perfect image of themselves as perfect.
2. Accept your own identity as an automonous individual that can shine bright without any human mirroring your brightness.
You are the light of your own life.
@@ruthlesskarmaable This is beyond accurate and my stubborn self just cant do it. I am going with #2. Thank you so much for your comment and insight.
Im in a very similar situation and your so right, it is a NO WIN situation! They only expect for ME to change, I'm the reason/excuse for all of her problems... Ugh
@@marisolorosco4345🫶🫶🫶it will not be easy, but it is worth it bc you are worth it 🫶
I need a series on how to help our husband get out of his shell. Talk about their feelings and wants without a fight.
My husband says what fills his love tank is being alone doing his projects and things he enjoys… problem is that can look like 20-60 hours a week of personal time beyond work hours and I wind up with the family responsibilities alone.
The kids never see him. If I express we need better balance he shuts down or yells and says I’m trying to control him.
I feel your pain. So, what is the answer? As the title says, My relationships fail, until I do this,, . So,, what is the thing that I must do?? ..This is my problem as well, unavailable men. Is the problem really me? or is it them??
...& gets to control you... "Work" is the perfect defence to avoid the emotionally-related psychological challenges men never expected to have to confront, ever. Generations of men have grown up under damaging patriarchal manipulation which encouraged them to deny their feelings & "to take it (or treat it) like a man would". No discussion, no "but if's", just keep it simple & take no "nonsense" from women who are there only to provide for free - sex, meals & housework, in return for their rather shallow & half-baked, clichéd gestures of affection/"love". Violence, threats & loud voices have been effective weapons in the home to control wives & children for far too long. It's so wonderful to see the problems finally being addressed by Jimmy who might be the one person to get men to confront how divisive & damaging this patriarchal definition of "marriage relationships" has been for them & for every other aspect of our society.
Has anyone ever seen the following movie's. Fireproof, the war room, or courageous? They are all about marriage and healing unhealthy marriages..
@@Michelle-bv1ko
I AGREE with everything you just said. I wonder how many generations of brain washing has it taking to create the broken society we have now..
Your husband is a pos and a selfish baby and I’d start leaving him with the kids on the weekends for a change. ❤ good luck.
Thank you Jimmy, for helping me understand where i went wrong. It’s a couple years too late but I can at least possibly heal some of my relationship with my ex-wife and also have a better chance of not repeating who I was, what i did and did NOT do to keep my marriage strong.
This self reflection and honesty is inspiring!
The end of my marriage started with infidelity. It wasn't until I figured out my role in why that happened could I move on to heal myself. It took looking deep and even at the ugly parts of my behaviors. Once I understood my part in what lead up to the infidelity it was easier to realize that it wasn't my fault or his fault but the lack of communication. Our marriage had ended long before the cheating.
Taking accountability means being bold and brave to reflect on my inner wounds due to trauma. I reflect on what it is in me that needs to change to help the relationship work and it’s allowing myself to see what can make the relationship grow and be nurtured through mutual trust. However, unless the partner is also willing to face their own wounds, and also take accountability, respect will dissolve, resentment builds up and contempt takes over. This is where teamwork as a couple must happen. No gaslighting and projections, no detachment and dismissiveness, otherwise, I would rather be alone. And it feels very peaceful to love myself today and practice self care. ❤ Thanks again Jimmy!
I am a fan of your work, here, Jimmy. Thank you. My husband of 44 years, who I think suffers from either covert narcissism, dismissive avoidant attachment style, or autism (he won’t see a therapist), says that you act like men and women are the same. Although I do not agree with him, I offer his commentary as possible material/inspiration for another wonderful video.
Jimmy - you’re awesome! I appreciate what you’re doing. Request for more humorous shorts if possible 😂. How about something on “filling the love tank”. Humor has saved our 39 year marriage over and over.
Oh I love this! :)
You are amazing! This happens with people who lack self awareness and are hesitant to even learn about being emotionally intelligent and build safety with their partner. I wish they had the willingness to learn the content in this video. We need more mindset like you
I had the conversation but nothing change. I just simply give up after 20 years of marriage.
I wish I can drop off, divorce and just walk away. It is so hard when you feel lonely, I am just BRUNT OUT.
Oh yeah, I have said that numerous times do it because you want to do it not because I’m asking you to do it if they do it for you they will end up resenting you and like you said it will only be temporary
Just found you on the net. Lots of gratitude for you and your content. Thank you Jimmy
Thank you Tyler! That means a lot!
Love your videos Jimmy. You're spot on. I am a woman and it's nice to see a man who gets it. Ty for helping other men to understand.
Your videos have helped me alot as well.
All of this can apply to any person, regardless of sex and gender. Plenty of women completely miss the points too; it's actually more common for women to have low-grade personality disorders, which can often be more difficult to detect and get excused in our culture. It's equally wrong no matter what direction.
I just want to say a big big thank you for what you do. It’s so important for men to contribute productively to these conversations about relationships, and you bring an insightful, balanced, non-shaming perspective that is so helpful. And to top it off, your voice is so soothing!
Spot on! Your demeanor and sincerity strike me as an easy man to seek advice from. Your messages need to be shared. I truly hope you're heard and understood. Great work!
I feel like I have so much clarity about my relationship when I watch your videos
Omg this has me in tears. It’s so true. Thank you for your insight and advice ❤
I am more than willing to change for my partner because I care about him. If there's something I do that hurts his feelings or triggers painful memories, I want to validate his feelings and change my behavior. It's usually something that I need to change for myself anyway. If both partners have a mentality of care & concern for each other's feelings and they're willing to change where needed, what a difference that would make in being emotionally & intimately connected, which then leads to sexually connected.
Hi Jimmy, I reached out to you on your Facebook page asking for your advice but I have now found you on here so i can listen to your videos and hear your advice on our issues and hear your thoughts and ideas for improving our relationship. Please keep your advice flowing and keep the help coming so I can take it onboard and use it for improving myself to change my ways and be the best partner she wants me to be. Thankyou!!!!
My wife and i are seperated because of me and im starting the accountability today ive been negelecting her and telling her shes trying to start a fight with me no more of that
What would constitute her ‘trying to start a fight with you’?
There are people who blow up during hard conversations. But in a marriage, couples must talk through difficult topics. If you start raging, then that’s not a communication problem. That is an emotional problem which needs individual therapy for you.
Good for you for working on your side of the street and making better choices. 👍🏾
Thank you so much! This brought tears, this is very humbling to hear, to feel heard and hear what I have needed to hear for years.
You deserve to be heard and feel heard :)
All your work is fantastic. It is better than any therapist I have seen. Good work. Everything you ever spoke of is correct and spot on.
Jimmy , everything you say from CZcams to reel
To short tik toks really has me going . I’m afraid I’m at this stage where I’ve done everything I could . I had tried to be a faithful believer and shared my vulnerable hurts bec he is a combo of autism , ocd, personality disorder . I’ve been a flight attendant for 15 years so you can almost imagine what I have to put up with diff behaviors but my H in a nutshell despite attempts to try to do counselling ( take note a narcissist will always blame ), marriage retreat , letters on why I was hurt and even apologizing for his sin . Took me forever to set the boundary . Finally detaching emotionally . Leaves me no choice bec of his patterns of unruly and cruel behavior . He fights with others , even family but can be the nicest person at work ! Controls my son . Take note: no plans of being intimate over a decade . It’s complicated . I’m
Just really waiting to really file . Down to my wits end . Never apologies once in 21 years . My son thinks he is unromantic and strange . I don’t know what else to say anymore ! I need a life . My mom who is a very devour Christian told me it’s time to leave .
Not only LOVE YOUR CHANNEL but I also love all your advises. It's NOT irritating when you talk
Another humorous idea- foreplay starts at breakfast - OMG man, it so does!!! And listening lessons - don’t just listen to get it over with dude 😂
Actions speak louder than words!! Don't make promises you don't intend to keep.
You are so awesome and kind in the way you speak! Thank you for your messages!
I told him I don't feel safe in the relationship and that's why my gaurd is up. This was based off what ive been through in life and some of his unhealthy behaviors. He never wanted to disect this with me but still wondered why I am the way I am....
I wish Jimmy and his wisdom fill videos were around before I gave up on dating. He is just spot on with this. All of his videos are amazing..
Having a “conversation” is an increasingly rare skill, fighting fairly and productively is even rarer….
Safe, conflict resolution, ability to have hard discussions, I like to think that love and compassion along with safety, trust, mutual respect, and GRACE are all important factors
Let love be the foundation ❤
Boundaries
Welcome the opportunity to grow IF you have a partner who is willing to grow!
IF one partner is willing/able to grow and DOES grow but the other only says they’ll change and never does, the marriage will disintegrate.
So if you’re unwilling to change just know, the fault is NOT your partners when the divorce happens.
No one is ever done at growing, that is to be human.
But when one person is metaphorically holding things up on their own they will stop bending over backwards to make things better when they are doing it alone.
Another soulful, helpful and clearly focused message. Also, colpelled to mention the gorgeous plants🎉❤
This is so unbelievably helpful x
Great synchro just in time... thanks ... will help me to support my sister in terms of her disease and health 💗☮️💞 Create a safe room for her.
I try to have conversations about both of us and it always leads to fighting and him threatening to leave, so I just don't bring it up anymore. :(
That’s not a sustainable dynamic :(
@@JimmyonRelationships it sure isn't. We're in therapy and he seems to think it's helping, to the point that he doesn't think we need it anymore. I plan to bring this up in our session (inability to feel safe enough to communicate) because I no longer care about the outcome. He'll either hear me and work with me, or if he wants to break up, I'll still be ok.
This was sooo good Jimmy 👍 👏 thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! ❤
This is so nice of you! =)
When I tried to talk about myself trying to connect with him since he doesn’t like to talk about himself as he hasn’t shared what has been going on with him, so I let him deal with his own thing since I know he’s been hurting , I was just called selfish when I tried to talk about myself and connect, for not thinking about him. I explained this to him when we broke up last month as he burst in tears and pushed me away for hurting me unintentionally.
Love is learning your partner...
Jimmy-great work on this topic. Side note;. You need a spin off series on indoor plant decoration - love the wall plants in the background 😊
I agree, im working on me, have been doing it for years. Im married to a narc. Im surviving...thats the best I can do at this moment...
I just can't get over how many indoor plants you have. How long does it take to water them all?
😮 we change FOR better. dont change FOR people. we need changes but a Right change. not a negative changes to fit in or get accepted.
you r accepted. you dont need to be validated by people. Your worth are given since birth not from people around you.
ure humam not an item that negotiate like prices $. SPEAK. politely. dont jumo to conclusion.
hear what toxic ppl want to say. and u learn way more than just screaming back at them
Thank you. I got some good tips on things I can improve on.
Women ❤ autonomy too
This whole thing goes both way so much- but wow. You really communicate these points so clearly that I wonder if men will actually process it.
Its more about shared devotions rather than shared sacrifice. But sometimes we don't know wholesome devotions so sacrifice will clarify that in the long run. Also devotions evolve and change as we mature so its good to check in once in a while.
I needed to find this 2 years ago, my partner doesn't care how I feel and says she no longer loves me, afraid it's too late for us. 😢
I'm so sorry!! Either way, it might still be helpful to say "I'm booking a counseling appt for us, I care about how you feel and what I can do to be a better partner for you" and then go whether they come or not. At the end of the day, you will have peace that you tried to do anything you could to save it. =(
@JimmyonRelationships we tried counseling, but she just wanted to talk about separation, and that I need to make her miss me, that she no longer has romantic feelings towards me, I say love is a choice, she says it's a feeling that's gone....
It’s never too late. Pray and trust God and go to individual and marriage therapy asap
I'm willing to have those conversations, but my husband will literally scream at me and threaten to divorce me for ruining his day or or being ungrateful, for being selfish and wanting too much by bringing up something I've been trying to talk through for years. But when he wants to talk to me about what I'm doing wrong, I need to listen.
This video is just excellent! Man, I so want to get this right in my current situation. These are great points to keep in mind how to get it right.
This is how I do it - I set daily reminders on my phone, they pop up on my phone 9:30am in the morning, I see them everyday. It forces you to think about them, even for a few seconds. Works well for me, I do this with anything I want daily reminders of😊
@@norswil8763 very good advice! Thank you!
@@macareuxmoine glad I could help! It really works well, show your partner they’ll be impressed too. It all helps.
Hunting 3 days in a row sounds like a full fridge to me 😂👍Are you able to address gaming addiction? Especially when it's "the culture"
I really wish i had done all this work mknths ago before she broke up with me. I had no idea why she started acting cold until she broke it off. She didnt feel heard and seen and safe to share her feelings with me. And i believe that she was emotional immature to some level and didnt know how to express her feelings. I wish i could fix it but she wont talk to me, its as if we are strangers.
I’m so sorry Kyle. I know for my wife and I we were definitely both immature and needed to learn how to express and receive feelings. But my heart still breaks for what you’re going through. I love the acknowledgement of her not feeling seen heard and safe, you’re touching on so many important things.
@JimmyonRelationships yea it's heart wrenching, I think she doesnt believe I can change but I would move mountains to fix it. I did learn a ton of valuable lessons after experiencing this which I don't think i would have learned without such an extreme event. Thanks for the comment.
Another great video 😂you sir are 100% right. Great council 😅thanks
Well. You nailed me at 1min 35sec 😂😂😂😂
Thank you for such great content. ❤
This is very nice of you :)
This is crucial.
Holy crap talk about hitting the nail on the head
This video is FULL of great info.
The most perfect and beautiful video. Thank you ❤
This was just beautiful .
SO good!❤
I have hidden my true self for so long I don’t know who I am anymore. I have tried to change for my husband for our whole life together. But now he has walked out on our marriage without a word and I am abandoned and sad and I don’t know what to do. Thanks Jimmy. Your videos are helping me
God can still heal it’s never too late.. trust God and pray and do therapy in the meantime
Thanks for the content. I love your videos.
PS i also love your plants
God bless
Thanks Jimmy I am learning a lot and trying to fix myself even more and trying to use what you say men should do and words to be heard. What do I do if it does not work? It always goes back to me and what I'm not doing it what I'm eating or exercising.., I'm asking more of him and he's doing so much for me and then tells me... And how he worked with someone and it was great when he was young and his high school job etc etc. I try to reflect and validate...
Thank you for this video.
Great video, as usual.
Thank you for the time you out into this.
Btw, looks like you live inside a jungle, and i love it 😊
I sure do 😂
My relationship is lacking the safety and trust 😬
This is the best video ever! ❤🎉
Nailed it, yet again
The willingness to change
Love your acknowledgement of mental load
I wish these kind of videos had shown up for me before it was too late.
Help always seems to show up too late.
It was always easier to change something for my former partner that it has ever been to change something for myself. I get shamed a lot for that. Now, I don’t really want to exist anymore.
How on earth did you gain Soooo much Knowledge/ Wisdom, and still be Soooo young 😮
Hi again. Just had to tell you about this awesome book called Love in the Present Tense by Arleah Shechtman and Morris Shechtman. This book gets right down to defining our core values and how they affect our relationship. 😊👍 Thrive on 🌱🌳🌺
Thank you 🙏
Oh So True❤❤❤❤❤❤
Everything you're saying is great. My only question is, where would a mature woman who wants that kind of relationship with a man FIND that kind of man?? I'm 50 and beginning to think they don't really exist. Thought I'd found one, but now I'm thinking maybe I was wrong. The more I try to have those hard conversations, he does listen and try to put forth effort for a short time (which I do praise him for) but then he pulls away. I'm not into that kind of dance. It feels like he leaves the relationship, tries to come back, and as soon as I start to feel safe again, he pulls the rug from under my feet again as if saying "just kidding!" When I ask him about it, he makes it seem like my imagination, only I feel the distance between us for which he has no explanation. He has had some significant relationships in the past fall apart because of the woman cheating on him, and I get it. I try to be supportive and understanding and remind him gently that I am not them and that it's safe to dive in with me. He'll give me an appreciative look, and a very warm hug and kiss in that moment, but the same cycle just keeps repeating and he won't tell me what I'm doing wrong. I don't talk to any other guys, I don't go out, except to lunch one day a week with my mom, I always tell him I appreciate everything he does, I make sure he has his doughnuts and pop for breakfast (that's what he likes), I work full time and do the laundry, the dishes, the garbage, pay the bills, and make life as comfortable as possible for him (he would pitch in a lot more, but he is in a wheel chair so it's difficult for him to do more than he does), and I'm only posting this comment because I genuinely don't know what I'm doing wrong. Maybe someone might have some advice for me...I can't figure it out. I feel like the love between us is solid....at least most of the time. But I feel like because of his past and because of his health, possibly other things, (like me wanting marriage instead of just living together), he just doesn't want to go full in. I was cautious before getting into this with him, though, and that is part of why I feel blindsided....I had been separated from my first husband for over 12 years, only having telephone contact with him regarding our children....no dating(didn't want to potentially put my kids in danger), no partying. And I've never been a hook up kind of woman, so I had been entirely celebrate that whole time..divorce was final when youngest child was 18, and a couple years later I met the man I'm with. I have told him that if he doesn't eventually choose (not just feel forced into) marrying me, that I will just be gone one day. That does seem to worry him a bit and for a while everything seems like it's going in the right direction....I had told him from the very beginning that with me its all in, or nothing at all....that if he's not all in, just go find some parry girl and leave me alone. He kept chasing me until he got me, and now I guess he's just comfortable....??? I do approach him vulnerably and tell him how I'm feeling because of his distance, sometimes even with tears because I love him dearly. Even when I'm angry, I purposely find ways to say things that don't sound like I'm blaming him ....I never call him names or belittle him. I truly can't figure out what I've done wrong. I would want a partner like myself who is willing to open up and who is willing to dive deep and get to the root of the issue so it can be successfully resolved to the benefit of both of us. I'm not saying I'm perfect....sorry if it sound that way. I know I'm probably not always easy to live with. He's actually told me before that I'm too intense. That I seem to love him too much. But I don't know how else to love. As I told him, with me it's all in or nothing at all....I'm willing to put in the effort to change. I just need some guidance in doing so, I think. Any word of advice?? Anyone??
(I was going to edit my errors, which are all thanks to autocorrect, but something went wrong, so I'm adding this comment instead...hope the message of what I meant to say still comes through)
I have no advice but a similar relationship, although we have never lived together or even in the same city. But he gets close then runs, then gets close. Also medical issues and past relationships who cheated, as well as abused him.
I wish i found your channel befor my relationship broke in pieces
Damn it, Jimmy. I'm pretty sure I'm alone in my relationship. I just realized that it's totally out of my hands. 😢
Jimmy, when helping a conflict avoidant partner, should I expect them to initiate any "tough talk" conversations? I am the one initiating them all. He is starting to open up to me but... it is so so slow. What's your advice? Keep initiating conversations? wait for him to? I've told him it would make me feel so good if he did.
Thank you for your videos. Theyre incredible. I'm sending one of them to him tomorrow.
i'm trying to manifest this on his fyp
I want to do all those things and receive all of the things but it feels soooo one sided RN. I started therapy after she begged and pleaded iv been doing the steps and trying to make sure she feels validated and safe and i know itll take time to heal wounds but it feels hopeless. We have 3 children and i love her very much and i want to show her that in a healthy meaningful way. I want her to feel safe and secure too. But i need those things too. Im at a loss
You deserve those things as well!! Do you feel like she’s dealing with a lot of resentment against you? That might be something that needs to be explored in front of the counselor so she can be honest and you can validate that pain.
@JimmyonRelationships as far as resentment goes I'm sure there is. I haven't been the best and I wouldn't blame her for it either. Iv been suggesting couples/ marriage counseling but until recently I don't feel she's been very receptive too the idea. Or I'm just reading her wrong. I don't know forsure though. Iv only been doing therapy for 3 weeks but iv unpacked a ton and have gotten some of the tools i need to be better and and accountable and safe for her and she says that things have been better than before and we've connected really well some times. But this morning we had a disagreement and I feel any progress made has been diminished.
@@smileyfacekillaable you'll face step backs. This road is not a linear one and never will be. The sooner you accept those step backs, the more you'll be at peace knowing it's working/going in the right direction. All of your step backs (argument) are an occasion to do better, to see where there needs work to be done, etc. Try to see it like this "opportunity".
In the meantime, NEVER bring any kind of "you NEVER see what I do/you NEVER see I made progress/you NEVER see my efforts/you are ungrateful" if she already is resentful, thiswill just add more and more and more resent to an extent that too much damage could be done and she will be gone. Be careful with those phrases.
If she already has told you that things have been better than before, that's already HUGE.
I hope you'll succeed, I wish you all the best.
Wow.
Nice plants
This is so true. The part of being equal is like total fallacy in most African men and it's a big turn off for me😮.
Amen
who would of thought...yet look around you.
He says he wants to work in things but doesn't see anything he does and I am the only one seeking counseling. We don't have the money to pay for a professional . CZcams is all I have and I found you!
1. Get out of unsafe relationships and 2. Get therapy to heal old wounds.
Came for the advice, stayed for the plants.
Yess!! 😂
The problem is when I am trying to talk to my husband all he says is "I don't wanna talk " . I would like we to sit and speak if we could do something to make our relation better ,if there is still hope for us,but it just seems impossible.
This is exactly right AND I'm not in a relationship because .I don't care enough to cater to someone's feelings. And the converse is true. I simply cannot relate to those 5 love languages. It is meaningless to me.
Relationships require a certain amount of drama 🤮
I was married 42 years.
I am not confident we can make this together
Is there anything I can do when they won't take my appreciation? I try to push and say, "take it, accept it, I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it." They stare at me blankly and confused. Or they'll say, "ok?" With a dismissive chuckle and I get my feelings hurt because they make it SO HARD to show them appreciation, never take it in, give credit for and then repeatedly tell me I take them for granted.
You are allowed to give the gift of appreciation. They are allowed to refuse accepting your gift. Doesn’t mean you have to give them 20 more gifts and stress finding the perfect gift that will finally meet their approval so they will then say, “thank you for the gift of YOU in my life.” People who do not value YOU do not value any gift (appreciation) you give them. They dismiss your gifts so you will strive to earn their praise. An endless game that only ends with you destroying yourself in sacrifice to prove they are worthy of the “ultimate love”.
Mic drop!
What if there is no respect from your partner??
Unfortunately without respect, a mutually fulfilling relationship isn't possible, would you agree?
@@JimmyonRelationships unfortunately absolutely.
Time to go
At least try therapy individual and marital.. sometimes we don’t recognize there is a problem within us until pointed out by a professional. God can work miracles
I agree. Without agreement on even that...