How to KILL your Marriage (Just...like...I...did)
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- čas přidán 25. 10. 2022
- #marraigeadvice #relationshipadvice #marriage
What does your Wife want from you? • What does my Wife WANT...
You can kill your marriage a number of different ways. Relationships are far more fragile then we realize. And if we get lazy, if we get busy, if we just tend to forget to prioritize our relationship or our spouse. If we default to certain destructive behaviors. That only leads to one destination. Distance, disconnection, and usually divorce. Here's how to prevent that.
“You’re teaching her to live without you” BINGO! And then, when he finally takes some time to be home, finally making time for the family, he wonders why nobody cares. He expected everyone to be thrilled with his very presence in the house! Instead, he finds everyone doing their own things, because they HAD to. Yes, in his absence, they learned how to live without him.
So true.
It feel like you were living with my ex. He taught me very well to not depend on him. I even told him that once. Now that I'm divorced, it's not much different other than I don't have the negotiate which projects get done and I don't get told what a horrible person I am every day. I also had a full time job and was supporting the family along with taking care of everything else.
So much of this can apply to other family relationships. My dad, basically alone after Mom died, because he hadn't made good relationships with his kids or grandkids, really. Hard finish for him.
This is my dad. It has been so difficult to watch happen.
@@angelaofalltrades I am in the same position. I am scared of him. If I give him my attention and care again, he will revert back to his old ways. I believe that he does not actually like me and just uses me to play his cat and mouse games. How do you manage when you are living under one roof?
"Marriages die in the conversations that never happen." Yup, that's exactly what happened to mine.
Mine too :(
so true
To a degree, but only because (at least in my case) the reaction to those talks is generally rage and tantrums, and indeed when the conversation did happen, that killed it.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Mine ended because of conversations that happened every month and nothing ever changed.
I showed my husband this video and he yelled at me and told me you’re a “pick me.” Sooooooo yeah, this was the last straw for me. We’re getting divorced, speaking with an attorney on Monday 😢
What’s a “pick me?”
An attorney is only one person you need in your corner. Find a CDFA… Certified Divorce Financial Advisor. It will cost less than having the attorney do all of the legwork.
Also, a divorce coach is important, as well as a therapist.
Good luck.
It would be SOOOO MUCH easier in the long run to work it out…. Divorce is just the beginning….. it also rips your soul to pieces. Both parties need to ADULT UP!.. and quit the search for the perfect spouse…. It doesn’t exist!
Wow, I am sorry. He clearly knew that would shut down that discussion. Did you tell him you would like to discuss it at a later time when he is ready to listen? Whether he wants to dismiss the subject or not you are still worthy of respect, consideration, and being heard.
👏🏽👏🏽 good for you. Sad yes but sounds like it’s been torture for your heart already. He doesn’t get to check out of the husband roles and get all kinds of husband benefits, sucks life out of you. Go and fix your crown.
Your comment was from 2 months ago and I’m *really* hoping you’re doing well at this point!
I wouldn’t want to stay with someone who reacted like your husband did after watching the video- that’s a big red flag.
Finally! A guy NOT blaming women for problems in the marriage. And actually telling men to man-up, take responsibility, and stop playing the victim. Thank you, sir. I pray that men will hear this and have the guts to change.❤❤
Only certain men need to hear this…there are plenty of divorces where the woman is the problem
This false one sided narrative is plan MISANDRY. Marriage takes two. 2️⃣ Women are just as responsible for the dysfunction they co-create with their spouse. The image of the wife doing everything and being the only one contributing while the man is hopelessly ignorant and not doing anything for the marriage other than work is plain MISANDRY. It might not even be one partner’s fault, life is just brutal and there aren’t enough hours during the day to meet the demand. Blaming the man is sick, evil, twisted, and bigoted. MISANDRY!
@@carramrod8232yes. This is very true. This isn’t applicable to every single situation but it does need to be said
That and those blue eyes. lol. Whoever got him, lucky ducky. Yes, even with the cheating, if he really means he turned around and is all into her now.
Spot On!!!!!!! The reason women handle divorce better is because they mourned the loss of the marriage while she is in it. By the time she leaves, she’s over it.
Super spot on!!!!
This!!
Men don't mourn divorce from you we mourn the loss of our kids and half our sh*t.. we already wrote you off it's to that point.
Yeah I'm sure that's the reason. Definitely has nothing to do with women getting a car, the house and a monthly paycheck.
@@chickenfishhybrid44 and keeping your kids from you for self gratification.
"When she divorces you, you'll be the only one that feels loss, because she's already lost everything." So sad, so true. Gave me chills.
🎯🎯🎯
I expected to feel miserable when I left my ex-bf, but I just felt relieved. I didn’t realize how miserable I had been until I was free.
@@atlander4204 At firest I was depressed because our marriage had failed.
But then I was happy. Less of my money wasted on crap. Less cleaning (because I didn't have to clean up behind him). No more super stupid arguments.
"One less bell to answer; one less egg to fry. One less man to pick up after..." I feel that part of the song but not the part where she says "all I do is cry"
Exactly
@@Test-vr3kf The moment I put down my bags at my parents' place after my ex asked for divorce, I could only sit and cry over the dream I lost.
But in the end, I was finally free, and I felt like a single parent, instead of a married single parent.
Before I left my husband, I saw a therapist. I felt desperately unhappy.
I wanted to be sure that I wasn’t blaming my husband for dissatisfaction with myself. The therapist pointed out that I was living in an emotional desert.
I am a therapist who often works with couples dealing with all of the things you mentioned here. it is SO IMPORTANT for men to hear these things from other men. In sessions, many male clients in heterosexual relationships think I am just “taking her side” when I say the exact same words you say. Usually this is something we can work through. But this step is often avoided when men hear these things from other men. Way to break the toxic masculinity cycle!
I remember my sister-in-law asking me if I really wanted to be a single mother when I told her I wanted a divorce from my husband.
I told her I was already a single mother.
I bet you got alimony and child support or you were on welfare. Virtually all women have a benefactor, it is either a boyfriend, husband or the government.
Damn- hearing this hurt 😢
I am starting to DREAM of being officially alone in this marriage.
My SIL told me that I should "just put up with him like my mom put up with my dad."
I told an older lady "I am married, but I am living like a single mother," and she quickly said "Oh don't say that!!" Ok. I don't have to say it, but that doesn't mean it's not true. I would say that I lasted 26 years in that marriage, but in reality, there was nothing left of me. I didn't last through it at all. I am having to rebuild literally everything inside me; not from the ground up but from a pit in the ground up.
You can't complain that your wife nags you AND that you dont know what she wants.
A "nag" is her telling you explicitly what she wants. And when you dismiss it as just her nagging, that means you dont care enough to listen to what she's saying.
In abuse recovery communities, we call these "missing missing reasons". Where an abuser claims that they have no idea what they did wrong, while also noting that they're constantly told what they're doing wrong.
That's it exactly! If she's telling you what you're not doing, she's giving you a frickin' list of the things she wants from you.
Right.
Well said
@CyeOutsid...
Exactly!!
“I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what she wants…” Try ASKING, and when she answers, LISTEN WITHOUT BEING DEFENSIVE. Take her answer as an ANSWER, not a “riddle,” and you will likely succeed in getting things figured out. For 32 years I tried to get my husband to understand this. 😢
I promise you, he understood. He didn't CARE. I had to accept this too. The moment I left him, he suddenly 'understood' and was aware and intelligent. It was A HUGE LIGHTBULB moment for me. It was like a thump - OMG, he understood this whole time. Never go back. They only want to fix it for them, not you.
They just think 'another bla bla bla, I am so unhappy because of you, bla ,bla, bla'
Yup, I had someone say they didn’t know what I wanted from them, all I do is complain about stuff they’re not doing…
Well when I was “complaining “ that was me telling you what I wanted,
As a 70 year old woman, you nailed this. I’m so happy that you have that many subscribers because there’s a great deal of men who need to hear this. For too long women have been blamed for being too demanding; when all they want is a healthy relationship that two people contribute to. May your channel continue to grow. Much appreciation, love and blessings to you and your family ❤
I came to the conclusion that after years of doing EVERYTHING in my marriage -- when you are doing EVERYTHING - that means you are ALONE.
And I asked myself - so what’s keeping me from going solo? Nothing. So I did.
Yep, a single married mother. So what’s the point of keeping the dead weight around?
Being alone in a one sided relationship is 10x harder than being single
@lzal9204 😆 hahaha ding-ding-ding! U R so RIGHT!! I used to have a running joke, "That was the best 180 pounds I EVER lost!" 25 years ago, and it's still true...😌
Same! If I was doing everything anyway and I was getting grief I'd rather be alone
Many husbands don't want a wife, they want a mother. But that's not what a wife needs - yet another child - that on top even wants sexual services...
Most women don't want a husband they want another dad.. protect ya and pay your way through life.. soooo what's your point 😂😂
@@gr8wytbuflo370 You have your experience, I have mine. And as I'm a bit "older" I probably had more time to watch....
Truth!!
@@gr8wytbuflo370bullshit
And many wives don't want a husband, they want a father. But that's not what a husband needs - yet another child - that on top never gives her husband physical affection
This resonated so much. He's literally watching me drown with work, kids, cleaning, etc. But still wants me to have time and energy for him...I don't have energy for me, my dude.
Saying I love you and how pretty I am doesn't wash the dishes, clean the floors, take care of sick kids, etc.
I’ve been married for 17 years. My husband recently told me that he plans to work less this year, starting 1/1/2024, as he starts to prepare to retire. The consolation: he will “now have time to spend with me.” He doesn’t understand why I’m not jumping up and down with joy… 17 years
I recently had a similar conversation with my husband--married for 30 years last month. Same reaction for me. Yay.
Damn. Is there nothing about him you like?
@@trianglesandsquares420 After 17 years of waiting, I doubt it.
@@trianglesandsquares420you have to know someone to find qualities to like, and if they are never around, then they are a stranger you housekeep for.
Did you twll him early on thay you dont care about money or lifestyle? He probably worked to provide a life he thought you both wanted and now will be penalized for it.
The wan who simply wanted her husband now cant even care about him.
The man who simply wants to enjoy the life he built now has to deal with rebuilding a life because his wife is resentful. We cant have everything. Either a mediocre job and lots of time, or a good job, amd the sacrifice of time. I dont see any other way
This is the pre-marriage class everyone should take.
Let me guess only men need the class huh. Can she honestly say she does any of the stuff he saying. 9 x out of 10 she isn’t.
Literally everything he brought up, it’s likely the woman isn’t doing either.
@@whitkirtley4185 I said "everyone" not only men.
They really should offer classes on marriage and especially parenting
@@BigHeartNoBS I'm sure there are good ones. It would be great if they were everywhere and easy to find. That's the business to be in if someone has the insight and skill.
Homie literally be reaching especially when you literally said everyone 😂@lesleyannmcdaniel9191
And remember... it's not "helping" with the household chores. It's your house too, so you have equal responsibility. Also, fathers don't "babysit" their kids. They are equal parents.
With such an outlook, I hope you believe in equal financial responsibilities and handiwork around the house as well. Please keep up that same energy with the checkbook and manual labor. 👍
@@jamesj3395 you know that is not happening come on man.. 😂😂
@@gr8wytbuflo370 💯
@jamesj3395 Yeah, as a single mom, I'm not finding your comment particularly enlightening.
@@msmom1183 Gee, I wonder why. 🤣
50 Hour work week! I'll take it! Lol. No everything you said is 1000% correct.. I acted like my wife owed me something for paying the bills. I neglected the core foundation of a relationship.. treating here as a equal as my life partner. Looking back I made many mistakes most of the things you said. Thanks for saying what every husband needs to hear.
How sad that a wife finds this video, and not the husband😢. Sending it off to him will only turn him away even more.
Man I'm not even married and now I feel like I've been neglecting a wife that doesn't exist
😂😂 that's a deep concept. This video must be challenging your pre-conceived notions about marriage. Now is the time reshape your thinking.
😂😂😂😂😂..... hilarious.
😅😅😅
😂😂😂😂
😂😂😂😂
Married 43 yrs, and yes, he's taught me how to live life without him. It's been a lonely life.
I hope that many men take your message to heart - it would be marriage-changing!
You are an inspiration!
Thank you.
😢❤
@@michellewitt2071 Thank you for your sweet empathy, Michelle.
Omg 🫂 I'm so sorry.. You deserve better. I hope you can have a better life & season. It's never too late.
@@EvonneLindiwe Thank you for your thoughtful hug, Evonne, and your sweet sentiments! Kind people like you have been blessings in my life!
Like you I've been married 43 years. N I wish I felt comfortable sending this to my husband. I want so much for our relationship to just survive, let alone thrive. Maybe ill work up the courage to do it n have him listen to it while I'm there. Thank you for posting. Helps me know I'm not alone.
When you said, "she goes and reads in another room alone," that one got me. 😢
He sits on his phone. I sit outside.
Yes, he’s teaching me to live without him.
I already started to gaslight myself into thinking that i don't need deep emotional connection, vulnerability etc., that it's not necessary for a relashionship bc my partner doesent treat it like such. Thank you for making me feeling validated and connected to myself again
Had a husband who often worked out of town. One time he came home and I was waiting with his favorite dinner cooked and ready, my hair nice, pretty skirt on, his favorite beer cold...I put both plates on the table, popped open his beer and sat down, asked him how things were going. He took the beer, said his buddies were waiting for him at the bar, and left. I put my plate away, gave his to the dog, and proceeded to drink beer on the back step til way past dark. When I left a year later he was shocked! Stunned!
I missed the dog and cats badly, since they'd been my only company. I managed to move one cat into my small apartment. I didn't miss the so-called husband anymore.
This video is spot on.
This is why I don't trust flirting in the early stages of getting to know someone. They show fake interest to get what they want, but it isn't about you. He could and likely does talk that way to other women until one bites, and then he'll focus on her. Fast forward, you become a girlfriend, fiancé, and then wife, but you were never friends and he never actually loved YOU; he just loved the first woman who said yes.
@@llIlIlllII Nah. From what she's written here, she was not assertive in telling him she wants him to be more proactively attentive to her.
And she may be leaving out other details such as how passive aggressively she treats him on other nights, causing him not to want show affection on the nights she does pleasant things like this because of his distrust of her passive aggressiveness on other nights.
@@EriPages preparing all that stuff is imo a pretty clear sign that you want someone to stay and even though there could've indeed been other factors at play, I think it's a bit far fetched here, if she's really passive aggressive or whatever to him usually why the sudden urge to do something nice for him? And something so effort intense too?
@selina_x3 that's effort INTENSE? Bar is real low for you honey.
@EriPages
1. Please don't call me honey, that is kinda condescending when you're speaking to a stranger.
2. It certainly is on the higher end of things you can do on a random night where he just returned from a trip. What else should she do that is more effort and fits the situation in your opinion? She was conciderate enough to even think of doing it, went to the store, bought the ingredients, cooked the dish (depending on what it is prob medium to high effort), decorated the table nicely, picked out an outfit she thought he would like to see on her and considering that it was something rather "sexy" she was probably planning on transitioning to physical intimacy later on. When he arrived she brought him his favourite beer and he proceeded to not tough the food specifically cooked for him and completely ignoring the thought and preperation gone into this gesture. Possible tensions aside that is just disrespectful.
As a woman, I just want to say MOST OF US ARE WORKING TOO! So, you may think you're "providing for the family" but so am I, exactly how you are, THEN I come home, do the dishes, take care of kids, pets, household etc ON TOP of "putting a roof over ALL our heads" when do I get time to play on my phone? Call my friends? etc.? And on top top of that I'm suppose to thank you for "going to work"? Okay, well if you play the game of "I'm a bachelor living with known roommates" and I'm playing "Single mom" guess what? You pay alimony and child support and I get to move on with my life.
Bang on. These men want to live like perpetual teenagers and treat thier wives like mothers then wonder why she wont ' put out'
Yep exactly. If we have to be working moms, that means we have two full time jobs, where one we have to complete within a 4 hour timeframe every weekday
Daaamn! You slayed girl 🙌🏼
Amen!!!
I do this. And i dont want a dime. I just want peace😢
Watching this made me realise how lovely my husband is and how he’s got all his priorities right for our marriage. Definitely something we need to continue to work on and actively maintain!
I’ve easily watched thousands of videos, and this is the most profound I’ve yet to see! My daughter and I were talking the other day, and I made the statement, “It’s not that he doesn’t do things for me, but he’s not doing the things I so desperately need.” She said, That’s it right there, Mom!” It seems there are a lot of unhealthy marriages.
I hope your daughter is not a child, because it’s wrong to discuss such stuff with children
@@Alloniya My youngest is 35; my oldest 39. We’ve always had very open and honest conversations but never discussed their father’s and mine relational issues until they were adults and had issues of their own. Even then, I only discussed them if they asked if we had ever dealt with this or that.
My husband has done an excellent job showing me how to live without him. This is 100% accurate.
Yep, same. 17 years worth of feeling unheard and unwilling to go to counseling. I've finally learned he'll never change because he just doesn't care. It's helped me let go and just live my life without him. Pretty crappy roommates is what we are.
Same with my mom. She became self-sufficient when I was just a teen. Other than the income, she basically did everything on her own - including raising 2 boys. When my dad died she didn't really have any issues with anything - finances, home maintenance, taxes, taking care of herself, etc. Basically just another day. So basically she had a part-time roommate for many decades who taught her how to be independent.
@@kimberlyv5846this is my life now, 18 years together and we were struggling already. Now I find out at 37 I have a rare blood cancer he's gotten even worse (if that was even possible). I've always been sick with health issues but he's just isolating and being mean.
SAME!! I'm so disrespected , it's not funny.
@kimberlyv5846 oh no! It's been 7 years for me and I am not willing to go on like this anymore.
From day #1, he's captured me like a spider in a net. He's from Canada. I'm from WA State and I left everything behind and got married. Next morning, I woke up in bed hearing him talk in the kitchen saying, "Your going back to WA (after my house was gone) and we are getting a divorce"
There's never been any romance or love. I've been exhausted trying to help him. Well, no more! I'm done. It's time for me. He's overkill in EVERYTHING he does, especially with his emotions. Dear God!! That's daily.
So, I helped him by getting him some help, finding out he's on the Autism spectrum. That got him $25,000 from the gov. Did he really thank me for that? No.
Trying to figure him out all these years and all the abuse and cycles.
One day with him is too long. It's pure insanity and other people don't get it.
He's got RAD I believe. Reactive attachment disorder. So, he will NOT attach or connect. Daily, he only talks about his brain, a min of one hour, his job, and cars. He's also had some brain damage. Disrespect, walks all over boundaries and constantly protects himself and lies about me to others and puts on a great show where others actually believe him. Unbelievable!!!!! A Narcissistic to the core. Not just any... he's extreme. He got married just to not be alone. For him. So, we don't have sex but maybe 4 times a year. Something terribly wrong wrong wrong with this picture!! My organs were failing at one point and now I've got high blood pressure.
Put on weight.
So, I feel captured and violated. I also ended up getting herpes and of course, that wasn't his fault! When he's had prostitute issues. Hmm???
So, he lied about so much before I married him. I feel like it's been the biggest violation I'm so done and desire to be back to good mental health.
Why don't you do the same?
Remember guys, when you ask her what she needs, do not tell her that you don't believe she needs that, don't discount what she needs, don't mock what she needs, do not judge what she asks for, don't question or challenge her need for something, don't say you can do what she needs and not follow through, don't promise anything you don't intend to do.
Bullseye 🎯 💯 ❤
This one. I've heard other guys saying she won't talk to me if I ask her how she's doing. Well, maybe that's what happens when you brushed her off when she tried to tell you for 5 years what she cares about.
My husband doesn't do anything I ask him to do in a timely manner. It takes him months or even years. It's been two and a half years since he said he will connect the ice maker to the fridge I paid for with the kit I paid for.
And don't tell her she's too sensitive or takes things too personally. Sensitivity in a wife's case is her feminine softness and gentleness - something to appreciate, rather than disparage. And how else is she supposed to take things, if not personally, particularly if you're disregarding her?
💯💯💯💯💯
In the process of getting divorced, never thought I would be divorced, tried for the last 5 years to help him through his childhood stuff. I worked on my mountains of childhood stuff, I am far from perfect but the marriage was one sided and he was/is a narcissist (covert). 30 years and it's over. Mixed feelings. Thank you for your effective communication of the subject, well done you for sorting your own sh*t out, it takes courage and strength to really, honestly look at yourself, I will always have a love for him but we need to move on.
I was killing my marriage with my wonderful wife by spending too much money on crap that I didn't really need. I finally stopped this year. I'm lucky that she has toletared my BS. 18 years. Yes I know. Subscribed. You are 100% correct about what you are talking about. I'm guilty of that stuff too 😢. Working on it. Even with long hours at work, I cook for the kids in the morning, I wash the dishes, throw away the trash and I take the kids to school in the morning. I do the dishes after we have dinner. She cooks. So yeah, I help a bit 😅. I need to play games with my son too. I'm bad at that one 😅. I do take him to the park, and we play with our remote control cars, but I rarely physically play with him. He's 7 years old 😅
Good for you for making an effort. Keep asking her and your kids what they need most from you. It changes over time, especially as your kiddos grow up.
Figure out how to play with, connect with your son; don’t wait. It’s crucial for him!!
I glad you have see where you made mistakes and are changing for your family I been married for 30 years and I spoken to my husband he doesn't listen doesn't want to its to late He will realize when I gone
Kudos to you. The neglectful , avoidant, detached partner (of any sex, sexuality, or gender identity) who doesn't contribute to the relationship and/or the family need to wake up and realise that if both don't put in equal time and effort and energy (it needn't be identical roles) then only one person is supporting the marriage or family. That's not just selfish, it's not just laziness, it's not just being thoughtless, because you get out of the relationship what you put into it. If you put little or nothing in - that's what you'll get out. So you're not just hurting your partner and your family, you're also hurting yourself.
Act as a full partner because it's the right thing to do. Be the partner and parent your family deserves. If you can't do that, or won't do that, then you don't deserve them - and one day they'll realise that, too.
Those who wake up and change their behaviour, I hope you receive the blessings you deserve.
As a teacher a quick bonding way to bless being physically with them, I’d say is just go give them an unexpected hug, if they can stand being tickled, go crazy tickling them( make sure to leave room to breath). They’ll never forget such moments. It takes them back to when they were toddlers.
Maaaaan! Listen. I need to write all of my ex-girlfriends an apology letter. This healing journey is fantastic. Thanks for teaching me how to create better relationships. I am using these strategies with family and friends while I heal/prepare for my next romance.
This is an amazing comment!! You're awesome!
So I wrote the apology letters. Sent a video. And boom, I learned to apologize and not feel like I’m sacrificing my whole life but instead recognizing the experience of her life. #Growth
100% prefection! From women everywhere, thank you for being man enough to admit you were wrong... hopefully, Jimmy's messages spread around the world like a love virus ❤️ there would be a lot fewer broken people out there
@@kimberlyhamberg625 Thank you so much for this Kimberly
@@kimberlyhamberg625 Jimmy is doing that good work. Conflict resolution at its (social media) finest!
Been married for five years and I realise that I have been doing a terrible job as a husband. It's difficult enough commenting about this in public because it's the first time I am coming out about this. I love my wife and I want to save my marriage. I need help but I need to help myself. God give me the strength. Thank you for your video. Hard truths. Needed truths.
Praying for you
You got this!! It’s not about being perfect or doing the perfect thing. It’s about showing how much you care and showing that you try without expecting to be patted on the head for it. Your wife will notice a change of heart ❤️
@@frederiken6804 Thank you for this. She has been pulling the weight for years and she's really tired and we are in a tight space financially and spatially (had to move in with mom in law because of finances) so that adds an extra strain. I'm proactively investing in our marriage one day at a time and I pray that this works. Thanks for your words of courage 🙏🏾
You're on the way. Admitting you aren't cutting it is half way. Good luck.
From someone 17 yrs married ending it due to what this video is saying (and more), you can still turn it around at this point! Knowing is half the battle. Be up front and honest about you realizing this and say it to your wife. Then truly commit to being present and invested in your wife’s daily life. She’s not a side project. Drive by check ins won’t work for long either. 😊 Be attentive to her needs and enjoy her as your best friend. Plan, work, have fun and laugh with her. Live your life with her. Everything else should be secondary. You can do it! ❤❤❤
It hurt a lot in my marriage because while dating my wife and other women before her, I was much more aware of a lot of the things that you mentioned here. The issues started up after we got married and moved in together. She already had a 2 year old and a life apart from me. I knew that he was her No. 1 so I just tried my best to fit around that. Without any conversations though, I fell into the very easy routine of just asking her what she needed from me. It started with good intentions, but quickly I became another person to take care of instead of a partner. It took years to unlearn and is still taking a lot of communication that neither of us were very good at to get to where we are now (still struggling). We have 3 kids now (including my oldest, the aforementioned 2 year old) and now my wife can say more positive things about me than just “you’re an amazing dad”.
Keep fighting FOR the marriage instead of against it like so many people do. She needs to be asking you what your needs are as well. It takes teamwork. At least you're trying!
Did you even wanted kids at the first place?
When my ex husband said he wanted a divorce I asked him all the details and the biggest thing that pissed me off was he knew he wasn't happy two YEARS before he asked for a divorce and never said a word. I could tell something was wrong and asked him many times what was wrong, but he always put it down to work was getting to him; not one word about my actions or being unhappy in the marriage. When I asked him why he didn't say anything he said "I didn't think it would do any good." Well yeah if you don't say anything, it won't! Maybe he didn't want it to work but he wasn't ready to get divorced, heck if I know. I will NEVER have a relationship with someone again that says they don't believe in therapy if there are issues.. lesson learned.
It's not just that your relationship deserves as much effort as your career. If you're the breadwinner and leaving all the household chores to your partner, whether they work or not, your partner is facilitating your career success. If you were to get divorced and get shared custody, and actually had to care for your kids half the time, you'd have a lot more work on your hands and your career would suffer somewhat. You're not successful in spite of your family, you are successful thanks to the load your partner is taking off your shoulders.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
You'd think this would be so obvious... a divorce forces dad to do things he insists is "mom's" responsibility. Feed the kids, look after them, clean up after them (and after himself). Suddenly the wife's efforts become painfully obvious. And typically women can find a new partner more easily than men. It would help if children were raised to understand these things, even if it wasn't being demonstrated to them. We need a cultural shift. Divorce rates are sky high and many people remaining in marriages are unhappy. We need a culture shift BAD.
Excellent comment. It is great that people, some at least, are starting to wake up. Thank you for your comment. Hopefully, it will help someone somewhere, as it is packed with wisdom.
Agreed, 100%. Very well said.
@@consciousobserver629the only thing I disagree with is that women can find a partner more easily. I think it’s the opposite way around. Men can more easily find a new partner and a new wife. It seems like divorced men can get remarried very quickly.
This is totally doable men. My husband runs three companies, travels for work and often works 18 hour days, seven days a week. He still finds time for me, he still listens and asks the important questions and loves me like I want to be loved. I feel heard, supported and cared for. Being busy is no excuse to not be committed to your marriage. This is great advice. Continue sharing this content Jimmy!!
How? What are the important questions? How do you feel cared for?
Sometimes all we ask for is 15 mins of undevided attention a day and we don't even get that.
Wow you’re incredibly lucky and your “man” is an anomaly-
Society has drilled it into most Mens heads to not show or have emotions-(except anger)
Unfortunately they’ve drank the cool aid without thinking it through.
- but who takes the brunt?
Usually women and children.
🤷🏼♀️
@@megganhusby600 That might be a direct question to ask a spouse as each person needs different things. Have you two talked about love languages? Does she want gifts, compliments, acts of service, etc to feel or give the love?
Wow, so happy for you, this is very precious!
Thank you for mentioning PAST hurts also. When we as women “keep bringing up the past” or keep repeating the same things over and over, it’s because they haven’t been resolved. I have unresolved hurts in my marriage that are years old and they DO still matter because they still contribute to the hurt I’m feeling today. Thank you.
Spot on. I'm his second marriage, 7yrs I've felt and been more lonely with him than when I'm alone. I'm on my way out. Can't wait.
One of the smartest things my working husband did when I was a stay-at-home mom was be in charge of putting the kids to bed, including bedtime stories. It gave them his attention and it gave me a break near the end of the day. It wasn't the only thing he did for our marriage, but it was one of the best.
that's great to hear, I hope you're doing well!
I bet you were an appreciative wife that gave him love, affection and appreciation.
Cause if he did all that and got no
@@Memoiana what??
@jadecoolness101 my headcanon was that they actually thought better of what they were typing and tried to delete it and instead hit send 😅
Not what happened but eh..
@@Elyanley 😂😂
I wish everyone who plans to marry would listen to this video. It was only after I left a 16 year marriage which contained numerous open, honest, loving (one-way) conversations about what I wanted for us, I finally left. He was shocked. He suddenly understood everything we had ever discussed. He “changed” overnight. Gentlemen, please understand that when anyone hits that point of apathy, it is usually too late. Unfortunately.
Yes and they can only reflect at that point and take the lessons learned into a new relationship. I’ve had to do that with my own shortcomings. It’s how we grow as humans and romantic partners
@@alexarihani2902 Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t the only one at fault. But, I could see that he didn’t care enough to work on it and young people need to know that you can’t take someone for granted for ever. We are here to learn and I’m sure we both did. This is an excellent video.
I read a depressing study that said men *know* their wives are unhappy but they think that it's a tolerable level of unhappy. That they've acclimated and won't leave. They don't care to fix it as long as she's sticking around.
Were you pulling your weight?
@@zukodude487987 ever heard of the ' double shift '?
I told my husband I need more quality time and I see my husband trying more and I have to tell him how much I appreciate him just trying. He works hard hours, but he still makes time for me. I’m grateful for him
My last relationship, oof. He wanted my affection but wouldn’t (or couldn’t) give me any. He would rather scroll Instagram than interact with me. It was hard. I gave it all at first, but then withdrew when it wasn’t reciprocated. He didn’t grow up the way I did. The hugs, words of encouragement the way he grew up, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t try a little. Then I became angry and resentful. I am a grateful (fill in the blank) until I’m not. Sorry, rose-colored glasses, it’s hard to think we are at fault. But I want to see the best in people. Unfortunately, I can’t argue it’s 50/50.
One of THE BEST videos on creating a healthy relationship/marriage I have seen!
I was married to a narcissistic man/child for 25 years. I did all the work in the marriage and was the only one trying to save it. I told him many, many times: if you worked as little on your job as you do in this relationship- you'd be fired.
One of the worst things in life- Is to be lonely in your marriage.
I'm still healing...
🎯
Story of my life! I divorced with two kids at 42. Never wanted this situation EVER, but staying was a long, slow, tortuous death.
I can really, really relate. I know that doesn’t help much, but you know now in reading these comments that NONE of us is alone.
True! I always say, "I'd rather be lonely and single, than lonely and with someone."❤
Lonely in a relationship is such an awful feeling. I went through it too and still healing. Narcissists are so selfish. Mine took and took and took. But then gave to everyone else. Lonely in a relationship.
"Good people can still make bad spouses." Yup yup!
"Saying "I do" doesn't mean "you can" it just means "you intend to" ... and intentions mean jack without follow through." Excellently stated!
Thank you for your open honesty. Much appreciated.
Woah, well said.
Absolutely!!
Now do a video on what women need to do to make a marriage run, I get so sick of people like you always putting it on men. God made men the head of the household and its the responsibility of the woman to conform to the man. Quit enabling women to be trash.
I remember saying to my significant other. "What role do you play in this relationship? I feel like I'm always apologizing and, statistically speaking, it can't always be my fault."
This made me cry...
Sadly I was married to an abusive narcissist, which left me with complex PTSD. I just wish he could have been the man you talked about... that would have been so healing for me.
Even after 23 years on my own I now have hope that one day there will be someone better, who will treat me the way God intended me to be treated and valued.
Thank you for showing me there are good men out there who do see and hear and want to be husbands who selflessly love their wives in the way God intended them to, so we can love them with all the love God has given us... ❤
Guys, listen to his advice. I’ve been married 18 years. I’ve done all the things. And if anything, I needed HER help with the chores. And then it happened. Started my own company and then let my customers dictate my schedule. It wasn’t that I was gone all the time, it was WHO I was when I was home. Frustrated, angry and preoccupied. Almost lost her. That lasted 4 years and I’ve been working to recover for the last 3. God and counseling sessions are starting to work.
Thank God! Thanks for your honesty and for sharing
It's good to see that you are able to reflect and have some self-awareness. So many men cannot do that, so I give you credit. I hope you guys are able to work things out and that you make your way to a happier future.
Thanks for sharing
I tried to tell my first husband this for years, even jumping up and down in front of him saying that things had to change. After 18 years of feeling like I was in the marriage all by myself, I left. He was totally surprised! He actually said, "You have my attention now." Too late. At that point, I couldn't stand the sight of him. I still can't and it's been 32 years since the divorce.
OMG. I left in October after 27 years and got the exact same response: "Now I understand."
22 years. Me too.
Hahahahaha....32 years later.....so funny!!!! That's a comedians punch line right there!!!!!!
😢😢😢
I feel like this been married and together 30 years stay at home mom done trying to get out he's a narcissistic on top of that and controlling loves to verbal abuse done with his ways pray God helps me get out
You really are a gift to the world, Jimmy. I love your straight-talking, honest, vulnerable and no-bullshit way of speaking. Thank you for being a voice for healthy, strong relationships and showing that less than healthy ones CAN be turned around. ❤
When I left my ex, the only extra chores on my list (as well as working) was putting out the trash. I got my son to do that and so nothing changed. Objectively less work since I was looking after 3 people - myself and two kids (one with disability) rather than 4. Oh and I left because I found yet another affair was happening.
Life got better. 👍🏼
The most important thing to remember I think is that a lot of women work a 40+ hour work week and are still expected to pick up all the emotional and household labor on top of it now. Of course if you're a sahm then you might not even necessarily need your husband to do the dishes or fold laundry but being appreciated goes a looooooong way... honestly though, I feel like the breadmaker argument doesn't even hold up well anymore, cause a lot of men couldn't pay the bills without their wife's help.
Indeed… all the women I know work too…
There is a growing trend of SAHMs who also homeschool. So, that in it self is an entire job.
So, helping around the house really helps when you are juggling so many responsibilities.
Most women dont do well overloaded with responsibilities. Type A people are rare. Wish I was one of them, but I am not. I have limits and balls get dropped when I am expected take on all the house responsibilities and maintenance, kids, errands, bills, holidays and events, finances, his schedule, fixing things, cook and clean up.
This is only a small bit of what we deal with weekly.
Going to work and making the money is important but it is one large part of the puzzle. You shouldnt take all the balls but men can definitely take som interest and pick up some of these to help their family and marriage.
THIS.
Breadwinner*
And people wonder why I don't want or have children. I KNOW I'd be the one raising them along with everything else I already do. Guys especially: aww, kids are great! Me: we don't have enough time to go thru all the nuances that would lead me to be giving up my hopes and dreams instead of him to raise them because I make more $ working less hours so out of the two of us, it would fall completely on me if I wanted a kid. The one thing my mother taught me, unintentionally, is that I NEVER want to be a single mom. I'm just not that person and that's okay.
I’m not married, hell I don’t even have a romantic relationship but I still binge his content. I apply it to other relationships with people, my parents to make sure they know how much I appreciate them for all they have done and continue to do. With my friends to let them know that I do care for them in my own way.
All in all, this guy is really helpful.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
You are 100% right to apply the same kind of thoughtfulness that he recommends to all the relationships you care about. Wise words!
👌🤗💝
I completely agree with you....he gives so many great tips and advice....it's a true blessing.....he speaks truth on so many level!
With an enlightened attitude like that, I think you will be a great romantic partner for someone, someday, if you choose to enter into such a relationship. I hope you find a special someone, if that's what you want. 😊
My wife won’t stop telling me what she wants in extreme detail. She makes very well organized checklists. Glad to hear this is a good sign.
You are right on the money!!!! I’m a marriage therapist and I try to tell my couples this!!!! Good for you for researching and doing the work!! I’m forwarding this to all my couples!!!!!
If my husband asked me some of those questions, I would break out crying. Yeah I’m married, but yeah I’m also alone. By him refusing to participate in “our” life together, I’ve had to drop the “our” and start considering everything in terms of just “my” life, which is so sad because I have so much to give, it’s just not accepted because he doesn’t want to reciprocate. Men really stab their their usefulness in the ribs because they refuse to have freaking conversation. 🙄
send this video to him.
I'm in the same situation. Completely alone. I sleep alone, eat dinner alone, vacation alone, spend all holidays alone. Im.tired of being the one everyone feels sorry for.
I quit doing all of the emotional labor (asking him about his day, feelings, thoughts, wants, needs, initiating physical connection, etc…) in order to feel connected and after about 6 months I asked him if he noticed. He said that he noticed something was different and was relieved! That told me all that I needed to know. Women leave the relationship emotionally before we leave physically. Men are often emotionally disconnected so they can’t feel her withdrawing which is why they are surprised when she leaves.
They are surprised even after you tell them thousands of times
@@AvneetKaur-ow7vj that is very true!
The irony of your statement is... ironic. Especially the part where you gas-lit yourself into mistaking 'being interested' for 'emotional labor'.
@@mids5854 she just meant she stopped investing in an emotional connection.
@@mids5854 absolutely amazing the number of women in this comment section who think the content of this video can only possibly go one direction
I begged and cried for years for my husband to see me, hear me, telling him I was so lonely being at home raising our children, I was so vulnerable and sat in front of him crying my eyes out, he usually called me ungrateful and needy and he sometimes didn’t look up from his phone. It was so humiliating. I don’t love my husband anymore, I gave up, I don’t want to be near him, I’m only here for the kids. He stopped caring, and finally, so did I.
Wow.....divorced 20 years ago after 21 years of marriage. I was so lonely the entire time. All I wanted was for my husband to want to spend time with me, to talk to me, to put effort into creating an opportunity for us to have special time together. Instead I learned to do EVERYTHING by myself. I learned that I could only depend on myself. I could only depend on myself to take care of our children...and figure out all growing pains for my daughters.
When i asked for his participation....telling him everything is more fun when he is engaged ..or saying I cant do all this alone, and work 40 a week....his response was his contribution was his paycheck which was a third more than mine.
He was a good man, but not a good husband.
This is exactly what happened to my marriage. And then he acted shocked when I left, like he was blindsided even after all the attempts to get him involved in the relationship. I was never prioritized and I got so tired of it. I’m much happier alone!
How well you've put that, and so concisely! I've just waffled earlier about just this...Bravo!😄
See this is the topic no one even talks about to prepare folks for marriage but that is so astounding to hear so many have gone through. Took me so long to sort out that this was happening to me AND it was a legitimate reason to leave the marriage! Smh 🤦🏾♀️
@@AdventurousGeek
But how many people, in love enough to be getting married, would be open to even thinking that the relationship might go bad enough to be heading for divorce. It's not something that is in your head, never mind planning how to cope with it falling apart. If you have doubts like that before you marry, save your money and keep looking!!😉
@@pegsbarton6353relationships take effort and work. If you neglect your partner long enough she will want to leave...even if she doesnt actually peace mentally shes gone.
How'd you try and get him involved? Did you have meaningful conversations with him or did you not talk, let resentment build, stopped having sex with him, started looking for your replacement for 6 months while he continued on like things were okay?
All the divorced friends I have decided WAYYYYY before she actually told him they were done. They also warned them SO many times, for years, about the damage of the behaviors (drinking every night, cheating/borderline cheating, major health neglect, not giving affection/initimacy, financial abuse, and even verbal abuse or worse.) I did the same in the two major relationships before I dated to find a real partner (my husband.) Warned like crazy, then all shock and weeping when I said guess what we are DONE. It gets to the point you just laugh about it and wonder what part of "if this doesn't change, I need to MAKE a change" they didn't understand. Women can do wrong as well, but I can only speak from my POV as a woman.
Yes,women do that sneaky shit when they check out emotionally from a husband in marriage...
Before you try divorce, try open and honest communication. Don't just let things die inside. If you think about divorcing him, tell him. If you're unhappy, tell him. And give him a clear list on what you need to feel better. And be open to listen to HIS needs and to make compromises.
Its crazy how many women just quietly get unhappy and then leave. Give your partner the chance to react and adapt. Thats what relationships mean. Growing together. And that requires communication. A lot of it. And quality communication.
You're such a godsend. It makes me tear up listening to you because you just get it. Im in a relationship with a guy with ASD and he has no idea, no matter how much you explain it to him, how he makes me feel so unloved and unwanted. My soul is slowly dying
In my marriage these roles were reversed. Due to an auto accident, and twelve years later, an on the job injury, I was disabled. I have always been the cook, but I became the "house-husband ". I can relate totally with your wife's perspective. When I tried to get my wife to understand, I became angrier and angrier because my pleas fell on deaf ears. When I reached my breaking point, in desperation, I told her " your making me not love you anymore. Her response was to move out and blame me and my anger. Sad ending to a twenty-three year marriage.
It's hard to be told your wrong and need to change. We as people need to be ok hearing that or criticism without it breaking down who we have built ourselves up to be. Doesn't mean that person hates us, they just need some changes. I'm the first to admit this fault or that of mine but it can be all hard to hear others say something I did was wrong. And apologizing is hard. But working on solutions together is the key. I also want to blame media, Hollywood, books whatever for us ladies thinking he should just know what I need or want without me asking! That's not fair either, but I'm just as guilty of it. Expecting the guy to always surprise you with the perfect gift, jewelry, trip, present, etc. Another thing I'm learning as a SAHM, to see the value out appreciate the work I do myself, not wait for praise from others, cuz then it's so easy to give up when I don't get acknowledged. But the reverse of that which is reality is in not constantly criticized for when I don't get things done and I've stopped myself feeling guilty when my spouse ends up washing the dishes or vacuuming as of crap I didn't do my job. I'm like not it's all stuff to be done and I do attaching guilt to that.
A man's value is determined by his ability to provide and other utility aspects. That accident hindered that therefore she saw you as lower value then decided to leave for greener pastures.
@@seanb6478No. A man's worth is not determined by the almighty dollar. Only shallow men think that.
@@origamikiddo2625 I’m fortunate I didn’t grow up with the “mind reader” mindset. I grew up on the receiving end of the “mind reader” mindset and now I actively push against that mindset, to the point I firmly believe in “my common sense is not your common sense, so don’t expect me to have the same expectations and knowledge as you”.
@@seanb6478LOL no. The woman didn't leave. She abused someone and constantly belittled them. Them gave them the ultimatum of either suck it up or leave. That's not a woman understanding her options. That's just a bully
The main thing is that they have to WANT a relationship with the wife and family. A lot of men want the title of father and husband but have no DESIRE to contribute to the health of it but are more than willing to reap the benefits of someone caring for the family they created and then be a victim
When the wife is tapped out and checked out emotionally.
It sucks and is very painful to not be seen in a relationship with someone you love so
Much…… such a bummer
Society needs to quit promoting the idea that everyone should be married. Some don’t see the value of marriage and that is OK. Just don’t get married.
Yep- and it’s why I’ve avoided them most of my life-
When I was young I saw my mom and dad( tragic)-
Then, I observed other boys and males and could see this “pattern “ and just never wanted to be involved knowing it would probably bring my life a slew of problems.
But most women think they need a man lol-
Another societal lie we’ve been sold.
It’s simply not true and somewhat hilarious.
@@SBecktacular you will live a fulfilling beautiful bountiful life solo for as long as you wish. Remember : having genuine lifelong friends counts even if it’s just a couple of them. My daughters (3 teens) aren’t hell bent on having a relationship or getting married or having ANY human children (only fur children) and are dead set on having their own place with zero roommates. I’m proud of their decision and confidence in living a life for THEM and not what society likes to try to push on people. Seems so many are desperate to be linked with others romantically and I think it’s because a lot of folks can’t stand to be alone or don’t enjoy their own company. Everyone is different tho and should live a life that THEY desire. Solo or linked. Protect your peace at all times and enjoy your life and all the ups and downs that come with it. 💕
I've realized this, too. They NEED to have a wife and children to feel like they are "real men" in the eyes of their peers and society, but they actually want nothing to do with either. Maybe they want sex for awhile, but then porn is easier and they don't have to be nice to porn or think about the porn's feelings.
I've got a friend right now who is moaning and groaning about being single at 38. He NEEDS a wife. He NEEDS children. When I ask him what his plans are for those children, he hasn't got much to say. When I ask him how he plans to bridge the gap with his teenaged daughters, or what he might do if his children were autistic "i dunno".
It's so often just about their egos.
Even worse a lot of men see marriage as the end of their happiness and then resent their spouses. Its a really bizarre frame of mind.
Oh my word!!!! You said everything I want to tell my husband! You said it ALL!!! I sent him this video and I pray he watches it and "gets" it. Wow! This is so powerful. You are so amazing to make this video! It is just what I needed. I am overjoyed that you got it/get it and are stepping up to talk to the husbands/boyfriends of the world. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
I doubt it
Well? How did he react?
It is so true! "I don't know what to do" was his excuse all the time. I gave him time to grow, gave him patience to learn... I was so tired and burned out. But God love me so much, he committed adultery two months ago. The divorcing is finalizing at the end of this year. Watching Jimmy's channel just makes me know more about what I should accept and what is not for a healthy relationship.
An easy checklist, for either partner in the relationship:
1) Have you told your spouse today that you love them?
2) Have you asked them at least one question about how their day went or something that happened today?
3) Have you done at least one chore that contributes to the household without being asked today?
4) Have you expressed appreciation to your spouse for a chore they completed or something they did today?
It's not the be all, end all, but it's a really good start.
And this is just to start!
It's a start...👍🙂
Except saying you love someone because you think you should, rather than you can't help but tell them how much they mean to you. If I got a daily trot out 'I love you' I'd feel he was ticking boxes. If he makes a drink for me, or says, no you sit down, I'll do that..then he's showing me love and caring.means as much as words. And yes chaps, I can see eyes will roll, and you think we'll never be satisfied, but to show you care and think about your partner is as good if not better than words imo.
Good advice!
@@pegsbarton6353you're right. It does sound like you'll never be satisfied😂. Jk
On a more serious note, I find that women have trouble with explicit communication (i.e "honey I'd like you to do this for me") and men have trouble understanding the hints women drop. This leaves both parties quite frustrated, and it why you have situations where a woman is completely dissatisfied with her marriage but the man thinks everything's okay
When my husband and I were engaged, he traveled a lot for work. He wanted to be a good husband so asked me how frequently it was ok for him to travel for work (he had control over this). I replied, “Anything is fine. But if you’re not around, I will just learn to live my life in a way that I don’t depend on you.” It was just matter of fact, not a threat.
My dad traveled a lot so I knew how it went.
My husband didn’t want that to be our dynamic so he cut his work travel in half.❤
So you wanted him to support you but won't do the same for him? You being happy is actively hurting your partners future and hapiness? It has to be both ways that is what I missing here. You want men to go out of your way and put everything aside for your happiness but when he checks in with you he gets the cold shoulder. Do what I want or you lose me. Do you see the problem?
give and take
"It was just a matter of fact, not a threat". That sounds like healthy communication...
@@stinkiaapjeShe wanted him home more, doofus.
@@stinkiaapje it wasn’t a matter of my happiness. My communication wasn’t that I would only be happy if he traveled less. I only said that if he were gone I wouldn’t emotionally depend on him. How can you depend on someone who isn’t there. I’m fine being independent. My mom was neglectful and my stepdad was hands off and so I hadn’t depended on anyone for most of my life and I was ok. I just thought it an important factor to consider when discussing travel for work that was within his control. Fast forward 15 years and we are in a happy marriage with four kids. We love and support each other. When the children were smaller, he limited his work travel to what he determined fair and I agreed. He travels more now but we have also agreed that that was a good arrangement for our current family dynamics. One final thing I’d like to share is that support for each other isn’t just a financial choice. We support each other emotionally as well. In fact, my husband is much more in touch with his emotional needs and actually wanted my feedback about traveling for work.
@@stinkiaapjeI hope you're not married with that attack dog/defensive mentality
Dude, God is pleased with you! Self awareness, emotional inteligence, mutual respect, unintentional neglect..........i never heard a man talk like this❤ may you be blessed forever!!
At one point I told my husband that I thought I was having a heart attack. He suggested that I take his car to emergency. I said you have to drive me. He dropped me off at emergency. I left him somewhat later. I am so happy on my own.
Another thing is that when kids are involved, kids learn and repeat their environment. So, another cycle of generational trauma and generational insecurities get passed down.
This video goes for any couple.
Thank you Jimmy! You are a Godsent! My wife just sent me the link to your videos and I subscribed. I am on my third marriage, we have been married for 25 years. I lost the best job I've ever had about 3 months ago, but my relationship at home has been getting so much better because I've been putting more time into things, being I'm home. I agree with you 100% on everything that you have said in this video! People that say your criticizing and putting men down don't get it, and they're headed for disaster! I have hit that in two failed marriages in my life. I am 61 years old and I completely agree with you! I am going to continue to work on my marriage so that it grows better and better. Thank you thank you thank you!
It took you almost 3 failed marriages to realise the problem was you?
Remember to just ask her what she needs and do it with love not work.
People say he is "putting men down"? That's incredibly immature. He is a man. He's talking to men in this video (although the advice applies to EVERYONE!)!
I’m so happy to hear this for you and your wife and family. So many people won’t take responsibility for their actions and then feel like the victim when their family finally cuts them out. you are one of the ones that’s not breaking your family’s heart over and over and that saves you a broken heart at the same time. 💕💕💕 I hope more partners stop and listen.
Honestly I was guilty of playing the pity party playlist until I stopped and asked myself, "What does my husband need from me." 18 years together and we are both learning to communicate and ask for what we need. We also ask each other, "What can I do to help your day be better?"I also, realize he needs space. It's not just him, it's me too. Also, healthy arguments and disagreements are good too! I also believe I'm in charge of my attitude and mood. If I'm not taking care of myself things can get pretty crappy. 45 and I am just now learning this stuff! I'm so grateful for my husband and all we have learned together. We're old school too. He's the breadwinner and I GET to be the housewife I have always dreamed of being. We have strong faith and spiritual alignment. Thank you for your honesty. God Bless you.
Amazing video. Thank you so much. I’m a divorced mom. I’m guilty of much of the relationship failure-contributing factors. I’m 42 and really not great at relationships or expressing myself. Thank you for this amazing video! They should teach it in home economics in schools!! ❤
As a woman I cringe listening to this because I know it will hurt men and I don’t want to hurt them in talking about this with them… but maaann, when I try to relay this exact same message I am met with defensiveness and being accused of blaming. I’m just wanting an active participant that we can tackle stuff with and make our relationship great again. I swallow this same stuff myself and try to implement it but there’s nothing that kills a relationship faster than feeling dismissed and ignored. My life is on hold because we are not working together… kids, home, future is starting to disappear and the stagnation is starting to push me in another direction solo. I’m sad but after putting a lot of time, energy and effort into the relationship I need to get back to investing in myself.
Exactly the same here! Word for word...
Stay strong❤
I feel exactly the same from the beginning to the end…
I feel you. Had the same thing... So I left. I'd rather be lonely by myself and not have to deal with him. I've been single for 7 years now. He died last April. Having married several more times since our divorce... My only regret is ever taking up with men in the first place. My life would have been 💯 if I'd stayed single and abstinent. ❤❤❤ Biggest lesson ever, is you don't need anyone other than one great friend to drive you home after a colonoscopy!!😂😂
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Why are you coddling males? Why bother worrying about how they feel?
My ex-husband liked the title but not the work that needs to be put in for it to survive. You can’t procrastinate a relationship constantly & expect it to survive.
This is so true Laura.
It's not procrastinating. We just have our own sense of time and priorities.
If I tell a woman I'll do something, then I'll do it. She doesn't need to keep reminding me every six months.
@@mikey92362i know this is meant to be funny but it’s actually pathetic
@@mikey92362
Is this a joke?
Did you even watch the video?
Better yet - men need to understand women have their own time and priorities. If she ever said she wanted to have s*x with you, she will get to it in her own time. You don't have to keep nagging her every six months.
@@Lambeh yes it's a joke. I was just checking to make sure that women still aren't funny. ')
Thank you. My Wife and I bicker a lot (we make up properly afterwards) and neither of us are ideal partners in terms of contribution, I have PDA autism and she's got chronic endometriosis pain so there are things around the house that each of us can't contribute to. We also both have a tendency to play the victim.
I always wondered how our marriage feels so stable with all that going on but this video showed me what it is we actually get right, despite all the negative things we always make time to hear about each other's day and most days we manage to sit down together for at least a couple hours to relax and watch our favourite shows, we also take turns looking after each other when the other is struggling.
Have you tried Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) for yourself? It might help you avoid the bickering.
This kind of hit me in the heart a little bit. I love my husband, but he's kind of absent in the marriage. He works hard at work, but he works 4 days per week. I am a security guard that works third shift 5 nights per week (sometimes more). I have to do all the cooking, all the cleaning, the laundry, and recently all of the yard work too. Meanwhile, he just drinks and plays computer games on his days off. He disturbs my sleep on his days off because he wants attention, when he knows full well that I need to rest for my shift that night. He doesn't want to listen when I talk to him. Sometimes I feel like I'm the problem because I haven't been in the mood for sex for months, but maybe my feelings are valid.
Sooooo true. I've been married and divorced three times and they all ended because I couldn't take the loneliness anymore sitting in a room with someone who wouldn't talk. Couldn't even ask about my day. Acting bewildered when I'm grumpy for lack of affection. Clueless men who would walk through fire for their woman but can't even show non sexual interest for 30 minutes. Thank you for saying all this and I hope men will listen
Instead of complaining, hug him, hopping his lap, give him affection when you want affection. He is a man.
@@Andrew-ig5spI would always try to initiate affection with my ex. But he would always turn it sexual. Then I was the mean bitch for rejecting his sexual advances. We’re talking about non-sexual affection here. Many men can’t do it
@@Andrew-ig5spyes tell that to the woman whose putting in all the effort , how about HE hug her, how about HE hop on her lap !
Sounds like you didn't communicate directly with him or any of the others. Men aren't mind readers. Heaven forbid they found you physically attractive. You can't make this stuff up.
@@Andrew-ig5sphilarious that you think that will fix men like this! Men who neglect their wives do so because something is wrong inside of them. I can give affection all day but I still won’t get asked about my day, help with the kids, help with cooking/cleaning, and time. We are talking about men who don’t understand how to be present. It usually stems from childhood crap that they don’t want to deal with.
Wow, this video found me at an eerie time of my life. Been with my fiance for four years, we've been excitedly planning our wedding, but lately things have been rough. I suspect I have undiagnosed borderline personality disorder (the symptoms are uncomfortably relatable), and when she brings up a concern it snaps me into a sense of victimhood, paranoia, fear of abandonment, and anger. And lately with that paranoia I've been misreading what she says to me as something else. We talked about breaking it off instead of getting married.
Last night I finally broke down sobbing as I realized what I've said and done is what has hurt her and hurt us. I've been too tired after work to always support her. I've been selfish and listening to self-preservation warning signs instead of just communicating with her. I've tried to fix her problems instead of just listening to her.
This video is further cementing the ache I feel for all the hurt I've caused her lately and helped reignite my passion to do what's right and be there for her. I genuinely love her and my actions haven't been reflecting that as well as I'd like or as well as I thought they were.
I'm thankful to report she's giving me a chance to redeem myself. And I think we've caught it before the eleventh hour. I'm going to search for a therapist to process my emotional wounds so that I stop leaking all over her. She deserves the best husband.
And you deserve the best you.
Don’t have to guilt trip yourself too. Just be glad that the unconscious has presented itself and now you are aware of those dysfunctional patterns. It’s great that you are working it out.
Premarital counseling! It can help a lot!
Wow! This personal recognition gives me hope. Best wishes to you and your fiance!
30 yrs marriage to someone with bpd and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Get the therapy. COMMUNICATE with your fiance/wife. Don’t give up on her and she won’t give up on you. I hope the best for you sir.
❤There are no words to express the deep gratitude I have for this. Thank you for sharing this! I have seen my daughter's marriage become dry and brittle because there is such a lack of intimacy and mutual respect. Sure, they love each other, but the actions necessary to show that love are missing. I shared this video with her to share with her husband as well. I hope they both can see the importance of what they're not doing and how not knowing what to do is just as deadly to a marriage as intentionally not doing them. I hope they can learn to actively show each other that they are proverbialy in it to win it, lol 😆 After two failed marriages myself, and not being the example of love they needed from me, I hope this will be the catalyst they need for change. This brought me to tears. No, it made me do the ugly cry! Seriously!! So, thank you for bringing the world a desperately needed wake-up call. I just hope my daughter and her husband take you seriously and become the 1% that you referred to. Much love and gratitude 🙏 for what you are doing. You sincerely do it so very well. Nameste.
This is 100% true and exactly why I got divorced. One year later I am with a genuine kind hearted man who is a genuine partner. Thank goodness I am free from my toxic ex husband who continues to repeat his same mistakes with his new partner. 😂
That's amazing! How did you meet your awesome new partner?
I am so grateful for having had my late husband in my life. He encouraged me to go back to college, we were both working, and had to have opposing schedules to be there for our young children because we couldn't afford to pay for childcare. There was one semester we saw each other a grand total of 4-5 hours each week. We would call each other during our commutes to update each other on things around the house or just to talk. We had 25 years together before a sudden heart attack took him out of my life. I miss him so much.
I’m so sorry to hear that he’s no longer with you, but it pleases my heart to know that when he was here the two of you made the best out of it and never lost sight of what’s so very important; your children and each other. Please take care of yourself and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
❤
im sending you my love
I’m so sorry. That’s tough. I’m glad y’all had an amazing marriage.
I'm sorry for your loss.
All of this is spot on. My marriage has failed because of this. I've sent him lots of similar videos, gotten books for us to read together, asked for marriage counseling. As wonderful as this video is, I'm not going to send it to my husband. Because I'm just too tired to care anymore. I told him straight out that our marriage has broken my heart and spirit, but he didn't believe me and just kept saying that HE needed ME.
and i bet he's being 100% honest. he DOES need you. because you're the one doing all the work.
but that's not fair, and the question you should be asking yourself is what do YOU need? a break, freedom, to unburden yourself of someone who is all talk, says they care, but does absolutely nothing to show they do?
sometimes, the best thing is to walk away from a sinking ship before you end up drowning. don't let yourself get caught in the trap of staying, only to lose yourself entirely to the resentment and frustration. you're worth more than that
Hi! I believe in you. I'ts really hard and painfull. But try one last time. First pray to the Lord seeking His advice and help. And then, share this video to your husband. May the Lord bless you.
You shouldn’t need someone, you should want them.
Big hugs lady, you can lead a horse to water but they don’t always want to drink. Please take care of you, you are important.
He needs you because you do the things he doesn't want to do that he would have to do if you left. Maybe you should ask him why only what he wants matters and takes precedence over your own needs.
After 25 years of marriage I finally had given up all hope of ever finding my husband as my friend. I have always loved him but NEVER felt close, and never felt “in love” with him 😢
Since watching your videos I have found him as a friend and lover. Jimmy, This is one of my favorite videos!
husbands wake up!!!
I was a lonely wife for decades, but I thought it was normal and every marriage was this way.
I remained committed and faithful because I love Jesus more than my own life, and I would rather die than be unfaithful to him.
But a miracle happened,
the moment that my husband stopped disregarding me because I finally risked his rejection because I had nothing to lose (I was having fantasies of moving out, just to not feel constant hurt anymore) and got brutally honest with him. He woke up. And heard me for the first time.
We live in a fairy tale romance now.
Your videos have changed my life.
Seriously.
Husband here. I hear you loud and clear. I have been making serious change to try and cultivate a meaningful and loving relationship with my wife.
I have too say this as it has not been brought up in any of the comments i see.
I think alot of men do try and make their marriages better based upon the needs and wants of their wives. The thing that alot of my other married friends and i have in common is a "moving of the goal post"
You do what you are asked and address what in your marriage needs to be addressed but then... the goal post is moved. Now what you are/were doing that made your wife happy is now not working. It seems to me that the ball is is usually in the husbands court. And my only question is what do you do in these situations?
I communicate about it but it is not seen this way by my wife or any of my friends wives. Its just our responibility to figure it out. what role do women play? Everything i've read in the comments makes me feel as if its always "the husband" at fault. both parties play equal parts in a marriage and these same points touched on in this video also apply to women, please dont forget that your husbands also have needs that arent being addressed and that they are just as important. Some men just dont express them because when we do its seen as "selfish" or not as important as our wifes needs being met. Best of luck to all of you.
If my first husband would’ve listened to this, we’d still be married. Thankfully my second husband does all this and more!
I hope I am able to move up and trade in the junk yard heap I’ve been driving for 28 years. Trade up is needed! SO happy for YOU to be successful
I’m sure you held zero responsibility for your marriage imploding. Women never do negative, hurtful, or vindictive things. All your husbands needs were selflessly met and you played no part in the marriage failing.
Both sides stop making efforts. Marriages fail because both stop communicating about their needs in a constructive way. “If he cared he would figure it out” never happens.
Are there exceptions where it’s only partner failing yes but it’s rare.
I’m sorry you went through that. You need to take some ownership in that painful failure. Or don’t.
I hope your second marriage stays happy and healthy. Have a good one
@@mi5jasonbut there are a common thing in marriages where the woman is expected to have a full time job, take care of the kids and do the house work meanwhile the only thing the man does is the full time job. The women gets exhausted by constantly doing this. The man takes what the women do for granted, doesn’t want to get involved in their kids life that much and don’t want to help their wife when they’re exhausted from everything they have to do in the house. Many years go by and then in the end the woman has enough. If you read the comments here a lot of what I divorced women and women who are in unhappy marriages are in that exact same situation
@mi5jason while you have some points as far as everyone needs to reflect on their part in things, your comment feels a bit like projecting. Many people find themselves trying to improve while the other person stagnates, and that's just not sustainable longterm. And that could be men or women, etc.
My husband is wonderful as well and I am grateful every day. This is all good advice for every human!
In my experience, a lot of men seem to feel like a partner should just fit into their life without any effort or change on their part. They should be able to just go on with their life and things just magically get done around them, and when they have a bit of time the partner is supposed to just magically be available and down for whatever the man wants to do.
Or it’s like they had a checkbox list. And one of the list items was “girlfriend lives in the house.” That box gets checked, and then they go back to living as though they’re still single and playing dungeons and dragons with the boys all weekend long and going and playing street hockey with them on other weekends. And when it’s his turn to cook, making elaborate dinners for his friends, but when he cooks at home, it’s some quick, easy cheap food.
Thing is - those questions sometimes hurts even more! He intentionally doesn’t want follow through with what needs to be done. That way he can tell others that he asked but she’s still not satisfied! Won’t tell the whole story - just enough to make him more of a victim, even after he’s told you he will do whatever it takes to make the marriage work & then chooses not to!
Where were you when I was working on my second marriage. I don’t think you could’ve saved it, but you definitely have a way of articulating things that I was trying to get across.
This is 100% spot on. I’ve been married for over 40 years and I’m a cook and maid with a roommate.
I hear you
Maybe it’s time to emancipate yourself and live the rest of your life for YOU❤
Same here
Why would you stick around if you feel so ill treated?? You benefit from the divorce.. it makes zero sense..
I am very sorry that you allowed that to happen. I’ve been married 42 years and it just gets better
The more therapy and therapist content I consume, the more I’m realizing how bad my past relationships really were and how much I let slide and just swallowed my feelings about. I always blamed myself for my relationships failing, but in reality I just attracted zero-effort people. Now I’m happier than I’ve ever been, not just because of therapy but also because my partner is in therapy and he is emotionally intelligent and communicates and puts in EFFORT. I think everyone needs to have this kind of wake-up call at some point in their lives.
The more you're willing to give, the more parasites will attach themselves to you. You want someone who returns the same effort, and get someone who drains you dry instead and thinks they deserve it because they're sooo amazing, all they have to do is exist. They never seem to notice you wilting from lack of care, and then the contempt for them creeps in when they whine about you not wanting sex with them, and act as if its an act of violence against them, rather than just that you don't like them anymore. They think you're sexless. But you're just over being used as a maid and fleshlight. I hope things change. Until then, I recommend that women don't get married or have kids, and certainly never allow a man to support them, given how many men seem to feel doing a basic job entitles them to 24/7 room service.
This really hits home. Its why I divorced. I was completely alone doing ALL the housework including the yardwork. He was shocked. He went into a severe depressive state. I had already experienced this. So much truth in this video.
It's so sad and true what you explain...i am in that kind of relationship and i thank God and my two children for kipping me focused on our lives and targets...i am so glad that i have a great education and a great job that i like and can sustain me and my children...i know my marriage is finished, even though we are still together...it took me some time to realize and to come back from a awful depression...i feel i moved on, i reorganized my life and accepted that is what it is...the difficult part was to realize that is not my fault, soon i start be nice again with my person, i realized that the sky is the limit, i star seeing the colors again
Wow, I just found your channel now. I am shocked to hear a man giving men the correct advice to have a healthy, happy connected marriage relationship. Women get married, because we want the relationship (and the sex), but most men deprive their wives of the relationship. This is why cheating and divorce takes place. Women hate being ignored and forgotten. Men need to nurture their marriage relationship first. This is what women do. Women are actually not nagging their husband. Husbands ignore their wife. Women want the RELATIONSHIP first. Men please listen to this man. I subscribed!
I have been married to my husband for 25 years, and I am learning not to need him. He is doing everything you said kills a marriage. I have been saying this to him for years.
Don't waste any more time...every day counts! Run!!xx
The women's version of how to fix this would likely be very different. It's hard when you already resent him; but gratitude is a massive motivator for men. It can be super difficult, to the point that when he gets around to a chore or finally interacts with you in a way you wished he would, that can just remind you how mad you were waiting for it.
After true forgiveness, it takes vigilance to find something positive and pounce on it to let him see it make you happy. You may have inadvertently punished him for getting around to things or being good to you in the past, so there might be some unexpected baggage to work through on that.
On another note, it seems to be in the lore that women need to feel connected and intimate to want sex, and men need sex to feel connected and to unlock their tender side. That can be a great feedback loop that keeps everybody happy. When it breaks down, somebody's got to go first. This guy is getting at the man's side of the equation. The women's side will be different; and part of it might involve being physical and initiating as a true selfless act of love. Again, depending on the amount of rejection he's experienced, there might be some baggage to work through.
What is stopping you leaving?
I was thinking ‚aaaah this video is not about me‘ and then I started to feel guilty. In a good way. Thanks man for your honesty
Thank you for making this video! My husband and I are planning on separating for a while for mainly this reason. It's just switched. My husband has been trying to tell me his feelings for 23 years and I haven't heard him until now (I'm a complete avoidant.) He was describing us perfectly! I would always play the victim, get defensive and prideful. I took everything ask as an attack. Now we're close to divorce and I am desperately trying to save our marriage.