Husband Won’t Let Me Live Down My Mistakes and I’m Angry
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- čas přidán 12. 07. 2024
- Husband Won’t Let Me Live Down My Mistakes and I’m Angry
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I wouldn't want to be with someone who belittles me in front of others. That tells me that that person doesn't respect me. It has nothing to do with being blunt.
This is an excellent call but I think John over talked in this one as he sometimes does. The biggest reason why these calls offer so much more help to the caller n we as listeners than the old fashioned dear Abby letters is that there is an opportunity for John to ask questions n get more specific and even examples. The example she gave about the vegetable struck John n I and many others I'm sure as a petty thing to get upset about and not only does she feel she needs to apologize but have a big explanation of why that be then twists into her making excuses. I would have liked John to ask for at least one or two more recent examples..I also would have asked if there's anything she has said on more than 2-3 occasions that he is particularly upset about. Forgetting about whether he should be upset or not for a moment, does she feel like she has to walk on eggshells.if she says yes i would wonder why she does keep making the same mistake and she consciously or unconciosly trying to push his buttons or does he think that? It was important that John asked what kind of mistakes but he left it at just that one and she may have given the most innocent one which of course sways our opinion. I do think she has valid feelings n points on this as she was the one who is not only calling but reached out for marriage counseling so her commitment to fixing something seems at least genuine where he seems to be dragging his feet. Dude if you're not interested in fixing the problem just get divorced and please don't have kids.
Based on her vague and evasive answers, I suspect there’s more to this than vegetables.
Way more than vegetables. I'm not sure why John took her side so quickly after hearing about vegetables. To the point that he called him emotionally immature and said he's gaslighting her and she feels crazy.
Obviously she gave the most innocent -looking example. Even though she called in, she wasn't really airing her laundry. She wanted validation from John that she's not mean and critical.
John talked way too much without hearing very much.
When people describe themselves as “blunt” or “honest” it is typically an euphemism for “mean” and “nasty”
I've always preferred the saying "truth has no temperature".
I am the same way but I will blunt if I feel someone isn't getting the point after awhile.
Exactly! I've known so many people that refer to themselves like this, and they made my life, and everyone around them absolutely miserable. Also, people that say that they are a nice person, usually are the biggest jerks out there.
A person can’t be blunt in their communication. some people don’t mean what they say but can’t put it easier words. Because they don’t know it’s wrong. Every one was raised differently and different culture. Here in Taiwan all Americans are seems are blunt, I won’t call them mean or nasty. But In my culture Americans are stereotypically seen as cry babies because they offended easily, but having been to America I can understand them also. Culture and upbringing has a huge role to play on how on communicate. Such an assumption. I had a boss that was so blunt but also one of nicest people.
It wasn't her preference, so she should have shut up and let him deal with the vegetables. She is someone who has to give their opinion on everything! And don't EVER be "blunt" with the blunt people.
The problem with these call-ins is there is so many gaps in this story.
I see a few people here think Delony missed the mark here. I agree. I've been at gatherings with people like this who have an underlying lack of respect for their partner or maybe even contempt and make comments to hurt them in front of people. It's so uncomfortable to be around
You got it right with this comment. I'll add It is devastating to the partner.
What she did is called DOG WHISTLING. It is a insidious form of covert abuse. She is basically abusing her husband in public and in front of his friends. He is the only one who knows it and she is down playing exactly what she was doing. She is playing the victim very well and Dr Delony fell for it.
It's way more than vegetables. I think she said that example because it's the one that makes her look innocent. She likely screams at him and calls him names and he says, "you can't do that anymore." And when it happens again she says, "You can't expect me to be perfect."
I am guessing she is cruel, and the husband doesn't want her just to apologize through a life of cruelty and think everything is good.
Just got out of a relationship exactly like this. Completely broke my self esteem and sense of self. Constantly being called crazy and being nit picked to death deteriorated my mental health
Yes, same here. I literally had to find myself again after this relationship. I didn’t know who I was anymore and had to rebuild from the ground up. It really took a toll.
To be fair most girls western ones are on head meds and are crazy. So yeah
Being nit picked is no fun.
Never explain. That is my policy. I find it easier.
Oh my goodness, my ex was like this! I’ve been on my healing journey since then, and this was 3 years ago! It’s a long road and I’m getting there, but it is so tough. We will get there, ladies :)
You were in a relationship with a narcissist. Glad that you got out of it.
It sounded an aweful lot like her admitting to cheating on him..... I'm gonna take a wild guess and say there is alot more to this story.
My guess is she's a narc. She's mean and critical. She cheats on her husband. She does apologize, I'll give her that. Then because he's unhappy saying she needs to change she complains that she can't be "perfect." So to prove that she's not she calls in the show and gives him the most innocent sounding example of vegetables. As if that's what he's upset about. My money is on this woman is a screamer and name caller. She apologizes. But when it happens again she says she can't be perfect. And she likely cheated.
I feel like there is a middle ground to this situation. He might be sensitive and might need to lighten up, but she also might need to hold her tongue. I'm sure that he's justified sometimes to feel upset when she says things, and I'm sure that she does make snide comments. Some of this is normal in a relationship, but if it's so bad that she has to call in the show, then they definitely need a marriage counselor. She also hinted about maybe committing adultery that he didn't delve into. So he could be resentful and is lashing out, or maybe insecure when she says things because she cheated. I'm totally just guessing here. I know as much as all of you.
. I AM SURE HE IS JUSTIFIED. How? You totally think it’s all her fault. Lol. Seems like you’re similar to the guy you called so you’re projecting.she never hinted to adultery, when John brought it she said not that and she gave examples.
@@shachede6828 Wow. I thought I was trying to look at both sides, but you clearly heard what you wanted. I said that there's a middle ground, and I also pointed out things that they both should work on, and that they both needed to go to marriage counselling. As far as the hint of cheating, I'll have to re watch to look for the exact timestamp, but he mentioned something about talking to somebody else. I also used the word “ maybe”, and the sentence “ I'm totally guessing here”. That's just what it sounded like you me. Maybe you're just feeling guilty over something, and that's why certain things that I said bothered you so much.
@@shachede6828 The part that I thought that they hinted about cheating was around 5:30.
@@anneshirley9560 you made 7 comments about how it’s her fault and 1 comment about how he might be sensitive. But yeah you were looking at both sides 😂😂😂
@@anneshirley9560 the women bashing in comments bothers me because I am a woman. Most men will support theirselves regardless of what happens but some women….proceeds write a list of assumptions. Create a table how many it’s her fault and it’s his fault you said 😒😒😒
Making mistakes is human. If someone is making a mistake, then apologizing, and continues to make that same mistake over and over? Yeah, that's an issue. But *everyone* deserves to be human and make mistakes! It's how we *LEARN.*
Mistakes and bad decisions are two different things
@@IceWhiteice22preach 🙏
I need to hear the husband side of things. She clearly admits she's at fault yet Dr. Deloney still blames the husband. Lol 🤣
Have the husband call in and I bet you it's a totally different story.
Likely her transgressions are mild, and she only admits fault because she has been manipulated to feel guilty. If her man reacts so strongly that it must have been really wrong - right ?
Dr. Delonly reacted strongly, some of it sounded textbook gaslighting, and he has seen that script before.
@@xyzsame4081
The point is....if a wife said things that offend the husband, the wife should stop if she want the marriage to work.
If a husband said things that offend the wife, the husband should stop if he want the marriage to work.
It goes both ways.
In this call, she clearly stated that it's not a guarantee she won't do it again in the future. So it's safe to assume she'll continue to repeat her same behavior that bothered her husband.
Yet Dr. Deloney still blames the husband.
It's clear that this marriage is mismatched.
@@xyzsame4081, no, she most likely down plays how bad she is... people like this will wear you down
You cannot forget she is reaching out to a talk show to tell her she is right, more than half of John’s audience is wives looking to feel vindicated. John told the story, caller was wish washy and nonsensical, then the rest of the call was yea, mmhumm, yes, yea in response to a story John told. The other part is the recent decades of psychological schooling are heavy in teaching men are wrong and need to be more like women emotionally, John heavily relies on those ideologies when fielding a lot of these barely questions from women.
To all, Dr. John has to take these people at their word. It doesn’t really matter if they are exaggerating or embellishing. This is not just to help the people calling (they can choose to actually take the help), but to help the listeners in similar situations.
Nah. Normally he digs deeper to find out more info. This was definitely on off day for him.
Agree. Most things are bigger than just resolving them or even getting started on them in a few minutes.
Generally he digs deeper but she didn’t really present some issue that came across as some deeper thing and a lot of the things she was saying how she felt and what was happening on her end lines up with gaslighting. But he also addressed that there’s stuff for him that he may have said there may be some stuff she shouldn’t say. I agree that more often than not he does dig into deeper issues on stuff but in my opinion the issue she said she was having and the story she mentioned were pretty easily explained by gaslighting. If you’ve ever been involved with a person who frequently gaslights you can see how this lines up pretty easily. The person brings up some silly thing and then keeps picking at you until you get frustrated and once you finally get upset they use it as their rationale for why they’re right. I don’t think every single thing is a deeper issue sometimes when it seems simple it actually is
People complaining, but this is very helpful.
Very helpful in staying single loll this call is so dumb. So much drama in other callls..I ain't giving up my peace and contentment for all this BS
Imagine the castigation if it was a man calling into the show saying his wife got angry with him because of all the snide comments he made in front of friends and family.
Exactly! He's too sensitive but whys she needling him!
Humiliation is a form of abuse. All abuse is unacceptable.
100%
I can point out one of John's mistakes. Wearing a Fitbit AND a watch at the same time.
This woman has admitted to emotionally cheating on her husband already. Did you catch it at the 5:43 mark? Yet Delony is still here blaming the guy. Does anyone here actually believe that her husband is sensitive about eating vegetables??? I've got $20 that says she's got a mouth on her that she won't control and her husband is getting sick of it.
It's the Ramsey Simponalities what do you expect
I noticed it too, he didn't address it when she admitted she was "talking" to someone else.
I'm in FW also & had the same issue with my husband of 23 years. Even to this day; 2+ years later he still says only I made mistakes ... not to mention he blames ME for his multiple failed attempts at new relationships. "Slow suffocation" was the perfect way to describe my former situation. I feel so much better now that I'm out of it all & have peace for the 1st time in over 2 decades 🙏🏽
My ex husband was the same. Terribly insecure. So glad you've found peace.
This would be a different call if it was a man admitting that he mocks his wife in front of others.
I also think it's convenient that the example that she gave for doing this is something very silly.
My guess is that the things she is saying are more snide and he is feeling very disrespected in front of friends and family.
Could he be overly sensitive? Sure. But it could also be the case that she just gets her jollies off on belittling others to feel better.
And I'll tell you right now that it's much easier for a woman to verbally bully a man. Like I said John would be ripping a guy who called and admitted to insulting his wife in front of others.
Completely agree
Do you think maybe, your personal experiences about men being discriminated against, could be affecting how you are perceiving this woman's situation? Because the fact that she thinks she is crazy, is the only one who wants to go to counseling, and he is gaslighting her is a CLASSIC symptom of narcissism. I cant believe she is as coherant as she is, after 9 years. She is the one apologizing constantly. Classic empath, self doubt... if you have experienced this, then youve experienced narcissist abuse too, and Im sincerely sorry. I wish you healing.
@@theartswamp2512 no I don't. Frankly one of the reasons that I don't like these calls is because you're hearing somebody's very one-sided description of the situation.
And it never fails that every single one of these stories whether it's a man telling the story or a woman telling the story always paints themselves as the victim
Men do it too. Men and women both give their sides with bias. Down playing the others issues and up playing their actions.
I'm also pointing out the hypocrisy that it's obvious that John would not be very gentle with a guy coming on the show admitting he makes fun of his girl in public.
And listen I'd be on board for telling another guy that it's inappropriate that he mocks his girlfriend in public. That's wrong. But if you're going to bring the hammer down on every guy that calls, why aren't we doing the same the other way?
For example the other day on the Dave Ramsey Show there was a guy that called where his wife was having a spending problem and they urged him to be gentle and understand the reasons why she's spending.
But if you listen to the Dave Ramsey Show then you'll know anytime a guy has a spending issue they say grow up and stop acting like a child lol.
And maybe you're right. Maybe she is being gas lit. That could be true. We just don't know. But it could also be that she has a habit of mocking him in front of other people and then apologizing for it and then continuing to repeat that behavior. We just don't know because we're only hearing one side.
So yes your conclusion is possible. I'm just pointing out some things that's all
@@random-nz7dy
Dr. Deloney and the Ramsey team (besides Ken Coleman) is the BIGGEST SIMPS online.
They will always side with the women and blame the men.
Deloney's audience is 80% females so he has to pander to us.
Btw...I'm a woman (in case someone accuse me of being a man).
Man I just realized some people make marriage hard.
What if the wife is actually the gaslighter? Maybe she says embarrassing or private things about him to people, and then tells him he’s “too sensitive”?
Bingo
Then he needs to grow up, realize he has married a woman who blurts out stuff that's embarrassing sometimes, and learn to laugh it off. If this is such a terrible cross to bear for him, he should have taken the time to find out who he was marrying and decide if he could handle it before the marriage. My guess, and I have seen living examples of this, is that he is a narcissist and is asserting control over every aspect of his wife through gaslighting. The goal posts always move, and the spouse is never doing it right.
@@tthinker9897
What man hurt you? Lol 🤣
She absolutely seems like it. Glad so many others are picking up on that too.
@@tthinker9897 it's reactive abuse if she is doing it on purpose. And she I th4 abuser. No oen should laugh off abusive behavior
2 years ago, I was this guy. But now? After much pain and personal growth, if I’m handed the vegetables I don’t like and my wife says, “oh he doesn’t like those,” I would say, “yep! Don’t like em! More for everyone else.”
What did I do? I grew up.
In these cases, both people often need to mature. Person #1: stop embarrassing person #2 in front of family and friends. Person #2: stop taking things so personally.
If your opinion of any food offered is less than complimentary, the polite response is simply "no, thank you"
Full stop. No one wants or needs to hear about what you don't like.
It sounded more like “oh, vegetables, he won’t eat those”
Which comes across more or a dig or passive aggressive comment about his ability to eat healthily or take care or his health. I know thats reading into it a bit, but a comment like that is unnecessary.
How hard is it to not embarrass your husband in front of his friends and family? "I can't promise it won't happen again." Why not? Just don't do it again, sheesh. Notice how she lit up once John started taking her side and blaming the husband. It's clear that she wanted him to take her side so that she could tell herself that she's not doing anything wrong.
💯
Luminous, you asked, "How hard is it to not embarrass your husband in front of his friends and family?"
Pretty hard if all it takes is mention of something like not liking vegetables.
""I can't promise it won't happen again." Why not?"
Because it's impossible to predict what other mundane thing might do it!
@@childcrone She admitted she was at fault tho, so she's the one that needs to change. It's pretty obvious that saying he doesn't like vegetables in front of others was gonna embarrass him, so avoiding massive faux pas like that really isn't asking much.
@@luminous6969 Please would you timestamp her admission you're referring to?
No, it really isn't obvious. That's a very mundane thing. Certainly not a 'massive faux pas'.
If you watch the whole video, you'll have the opportunity to see that Dr. D addressed the situation in a balanced way.
@@childcrone I watched the whole video a month ago and I'm not gonna rewatch it to timestamp something for a stranger on the internet that doesn't understand the concept of emasculating.
I'm getting the vibe that she likes cutting down her husband in public and then pleads ignorance and says "well gosh, I had no idea I was doing that." Can't say I blame the husband for being irritated.
I wonder if she minimized her behavior and use that silly vegetable thing as an excuse to get herself off the hook. I was once involved with a guy that seriously insulted me and violated trust in front of other people and it sure as heck wasn't about something silly like vegetables.
A “Fire-breathing gaslighter”? Wow. I wasn’t impressed by the handling of this call, which is rare. There is likely way more going on here than spats about vegetables, and there’s no reason to believe her husband is 99% at fault.
When you are a trained professional it is quite easy to recognize the root cause of problems in relationships. He's saying it's emotional immaturity because he understands it inside and out. The reason why you probably dislike this call is because you are probably emotionally immature as well
I mean professionals can be wrong especially when they get emotionally involved, it seems like he got a bit out of hand on this one, to believe him to be always right because he's a professional is irroneous
It's not fault but lack of self-ownership.
She lacks self-ownership over standing her ground.
He's lack self-ownership of being able to handle critique.
And I like his commentary of "fire breathing gaslighter" because that's how it is. Gaslighters know how to play and maneuver their chess game well to where they are always the victim. It feels like your posturing and standing your ground against a dragon who refuses to self reflect and take suggestions. They see suggestions as an insult or an attack. Jokes as a slight on their ego or character.
Verses mature people who hear a joke or criticism and they think "Hm, I'll think about that." They objectively think about it and come up with reasonable conclusions whither they agree or disagree. Or they laugh off the joke as a joke and not serious.
@@blahblahblah4544 sure but we don't really know this guy very well, and her interactions with him. They may be very demeaning or belittling, for example she could be bringing up personal things in public where it's inappropriate, we don't really have the context on this one.
John you hit the nail on the head about my marriage. Took me 22 years to get away from him. I could never understand my rage. Towards the end I fantasized daily of murdering him. I didn’t, but I found the darkest parts of my soul.
Maybe she's a button pusher and then it's his fault for having any emotions. It's her control technique or a power struggle between the both of them. She has "never been treated this way before" and she has stayed with the guy for nine years and responded that this has been going on since the beginning. Would have been interesting to hear his point of view because a lot is missing.
She is not responsible for his behavior. Abusive relationships are a cycle (Look up the 4 stages of abuse). If things were always bad in the relationship then there would be no relationship. But abusers know that so they will love bomb in the beginning of the relationship to give the victim a 'goal' like: "things can be the way they were in the beginning when everything was perfect" or they will tell the victim false hopes of something coming in the future (Like an engagement, or a trip, etc.). After a long while of tension building and an incident of abuse, the abuser will go back to love bombing the victim as a means to retain control. Abusers will isolate their victims from their friends and family and only allow them to communicate with what's called "flying monkeys" or people who are also within their web of manipulation. Everything is very calculated. It's like playing chess. I was in this situation for almost a decade before I got out. I suspect this caller is long into her journey of acceptance that things will never get better. Her call to Dr. D probably felt like the "ok it's over" box check.
The red flag is that she likely was outspoken before they married, that she thinks she is easy going and did nto have that feedback from others (friends or partners), and she feels '"crazy" that is a classic symptom. And she takes responsibility for "offending" him, likely it is blunt remarks that she always used to make.
Some people want a dynamic where they can feel prosecuted. Not a good dynamic, and if she holds back, it will stiffle her and make her less lively and he will be offended about other things.
Sounds like they were never a personality fit.
@@NeccoWecco if she is putting him down inf ront of others for co yrol tht is a classic narcissistic abuse tactic... and can cause reactive abuse...where someone reacts because someone keeps pressing thr same Hotspot over and over...and their reaction makes them look like they are int h4 wrong, but thr other person knows the buttons they are producing producing thr intent intent produce the response for control.
It's really hard when "perfect" keeps changing. Something is ok today and it becomes a mortal sin tomorrow.
She’s the one making the “mistakes” but it’s funny how he is the one to blame 🤦🏾♂️ I’m tired of men getting blamed in every situation
I don’t understand why shows like this want to pander to women. Maybe its to get more women to watch it
yea no kidding
When you lie, women buy.
I have been in this situation and was constantly made out to be this evil person who was out to hurt my partner. This constant criticism broke me mentally and I was constantly put in a position to defend myself for what he perceived as attacks. He treated many others in his life the same way. I don’t know if you can truly understand unless you’re in this situation. Thankfully I took time to myself after this relationship and am in a perfectly happy relationship and after a year, we’ve never had an argument. I pray this couple gets the help they need. A relationship will never be healthy if you see your partner as your enemy or the villain.
It depends. The “mistake” example didn’t even sound like a mistake.
There are people who are nip pick. They question people around them for every little thing. It is very tiresome.
They are not really compatible he's serious guy in nature and she is fun loving, joking etc
I love how the fact she cheated in him or at least emotionally cheated in her got glossed over.
standard
So I was the one getting hurt by comments from my husband when we first got married. We're still not sure if he wasn't making them as much when dating or if I was much more sensitive (we think it's likely a little of both) but we both had to work on ourselves to get to a much happier place. My husband just thought I was losing it over nothing and I just felt attacked ... with counseling we found a nice middle :) I do wonder if she chose the most silly example possible and the rest were rather valid? I bet my husband might be able to find a silly example from our situation and then I could quote multiple times that our counselor had to explain to him just how bad his comment was and validate me. I think that's the toughest part on the side that's "sensitive"- it SUCKS if the other person invalidates your right to be hurt. He finally realized that it didn't matter if he thought it was fine if I said that to him or not, if it hurt ME then he should be willing to honor that I'm hurt and he'll try to not do that again. He would literally insult my character, say it was just a fact, and then not understand why I was so upset and yelling when I was still trying to defend my character hours later (yes, we literally went in circles on that. It really did take a counselor to tell him how it could be seen as insulting someone's character, and thank God we're in a much better place). I would then start attacking him back verbally since I felt like he was just cutting me down- vicious cycle! But I'm so glad we broke it with the help of counseling and we really are much happier. I hope this couple puts in the work as well and finds their happy place.
You did not feel crazy and you were able to SOVE this because your husband also wanted a solution. That sounds like a typical gaslighter and he does not want a "solution". That must not be conscious, it most likely isn't. But he runs a script where he is "presecuted" (and finds something - anything ! to be offended by) and then he can blame her and make her feel guilty.
And since she wants a relationship she accept a burden that is not her's.
She does not "get" why he is so insistent but there must be something wrong with her - else the man she loves would not make suche a fuss over it, right.
So she profusely apologizes, tries to explain why she said it, and that she did not mean any untowards. but he does not want to hear that, he does not want the offense to be softened, he needs the emotion - also to guilt trip her later.
Which can also be a bond, just not a good one.
Dr. D. had a strong reaction: the gasflames are burning bright in your home. It was not hard to diagnose btw, and it is totally that vibe.
She never said she invalidated him being right. She said no matter what she does, he won’t let it go.
@@nousernamesarevalid I was just throwing out there that there's a chance it's not all on him. If it was like what my husband and I went through, both sides might have a little extra to learn and no offense, I have met many pastor's wives who can counsel ok, but it's still nothing like an actual, formally trained counselor.
A good test is, how do you want to fix this? Can we brainstorm some ways to warn me if I'm speaking too freely on personal matters?
I have found that if it's just a desire to blame and vent, the other person will refuse to brainstorm but keep on complaining about you, even after you've agreed it's a problem you want to fix. That's how you know it's projection. You can then say "OK, when you're ready to brainstorm, let me know." You don't have to stick around and be punished endlessly with someone else's emotions.
It's good to remember that, while love seeks not its own, it also is not easily irritated.
Worst mistake I’ve ever made in my life was forgiving a person and learning how to trust them again. Worst…mistake…ever
Why was it a mistake?
I guess that was a narcissist?
@@texan903 After 2.5 years of rebuilding that trust, that person not only repeated the mistake but did a much better job of hiding it during those 2.5 years.
@@Picca65 Most definitely a narcissist!
@@marcusarelius they only get worse. They see you taking them back as being ok with all they did before. So they can take it a step further. And they refine their tactics.
John, she KNOWS what she's doing. She gets to embarrass him and ALSO claim victimhood. The man has drawn boundaries (yes, he's probably oversensitive), but she has no intention of stopping. Her only example is saying he dislikes vegetables (yeah, right).
This sounds very one-sided. Would love to hear from him. I just don't buy the example of "oh I mentioned he doesn't eat his veggies" I just can't see that being a big issue and something tells me there is more to this... and yeah if she says things that embarrasses him and she does it repeatedly and regularly sometimes an acknowledgement and apology goes alot farther then excuses.. of course it goes both ways and he should explain why whatever she spilled he doesn't want to be talked about.
Mreh all in all idk something just felt off about this call
It isn't a big issue, and unless you think she lied - it is one pretext to run his script. If in a couple a partner has senstivit spots usually if they like each other the other partner will learn to not poke them, and if they fail a sincere apology will be acceptable. - He WANTS to be offended (not consciously it is a script, and there is a reason Dr. D recommended Adult children of emotionally immature parents. Such an upbringing makes man or woman that only can connect in that way and bind their partner (and control him or her) with guilt tripping them over nothing.
I actually believe her...some ppl can be pretty insecure. He knew her personality before he married her.
@@tspain432 and she knew his whats your point?
Learn about narcissistic abuse then you’ll understand.
I believe her. My ex-husband was like this. He was capable of twisting anything and everything to make himself look like a poor little martyr. He'd rewrite history so no matter how vile his words and actions, it was all my fault and he'd come up with ridiculous justifications. I'd end up apologizing even when I had not said or done what he claimed I had and then he'd hold it over me. He'd demand fresh apologies over and over. I came to my senses and divorced him.
Anytime someone says something to me about myself, I have to evaluate myself. In addition, it seems one really has to look at the person as to why they think this of you
Everyone commenting negatively to this woman but she’s the one trying to save the marriage. She’s gone to couples counseling and he’s the one that stopped going. She is getting yelled at for what is considered casual conversation or maybe a joke. From her description he’s controlling. I wish her luck but if this marriage doesn’t work she’ll probably be happier
Is she really trying to save it or save her ego? Why can't she just treat the guy with respect at social gatherings. She likes to push buttons and if he's not a good match then move on. Life is too short.
Going to an echo chamber to hear rationalizations about your behavior is hardly " saving a marriage ". She admits she is in the wrong but immediately says she will keep doing it.
If I’m her husband I don’t waste time with counseling either. This marriage is a rotting corpse.
His mistake was marrying a woman who doesn’t respect him. You CANNOT wife up someone like that with the way family law is structured in the west. That’s the only reason he hasn’t walked.
Stop promoting women to wife that are qualified for cat shepherding.
I do wish she gave a real example but it does sound like gaslighting. I have 35 years of scar tissue from that and I just recently learned the word to describe the behavior that had destroyed us. It is all about control and keeping me from feeling reasonable and sane. We are roommates now just like John described. Everyone saying negative things about her need to just stop. No one knows what she had been through or if she is the offender. John gave advice based on what she told him and he did call her out if she was doing things to cause this.
Why is Dr. John so quick in calling the husband a gaslighter and emotionally immature? He even admits there’s probably two sides to the story
“I can’t promise that I won’t do it again…” First sign that you need some therapy, Miss.
That would make sense for something major like adultery or stealing from co funds but not casual conversation
Mention that he won’t eat the three bean casserole? In a multi year marriage that kind of stuff just slips out.
🤣 why would she need therapy? Lol if she does, I do.
@@NeuroSeasoned Therapy is not a bad thing.
For things like that, especially if they are temperament-based, coaching is usually best. It's not a sin to have a certain temperament, only excesses of it. And it takes time, and patience from loved ones. Ever tried to change a habit? Even an easy one, like, say, biting nails? It's hard. It takes persistence past mistakes. And it takes patience and love and support from others when you mess up,, not punishment or weird emotional penance. Both husband and wife should be forgiving.
There's virtually no information. She didn't give any information, facts or examples because. If I was going to immediately blame the husband I would want to know what she actually said to him besides a vague mention of vegetables.
I know one. I live with one. Very thin-skinned. He has no problem putting other people down or joke about them. But he’d blow up at one slight negative feedback and take it as an attack or insult. In front of other people? You’re dead!
With this person, appearance is everything. He cannot look less than perfect, especially in front of other people.
Everything about this call reminds me of my mate. She didn’t give me any evidence or vibes that she’s undermining or belittling her husband at all. I believe John got it.
Sounds like she cant control her mouth
I disagree with John calling the husband "Emotionally Immature" as well. I looked up what is "Emotionally Immature" and found a healthline article about it called, "How to recognize and deal with emotional Immaturity." In my opinion the way they define it, it describes the caller perfectly. Emotional Immaturity signs: 1. They won't go deep 2. Everything is about them 3. They become defensive 4. They have commitment issues 5. They don't own their mistakes. John's response is that the husband is gaslighting when he is telling her what he is feeling. Granted the husband probably could deliver this in a way that is not so condemning of her but still at a basic level he is just saying that I was hurt by what you said. John saying things like, "he knew who you were when he married you" is concerning as well.
I don't - I think he's absolutely right.
Maybe it's too much of a conclusion for him to jump to, but Healthline also isn't a reliable or valid source for psychological information.
Would be good to hear his side
He might have emotional immaturity, but the way this was talked around makes me think she has situational immaturity. Delony said “with respect and dignity” . . . a spouse who says demeaning things of their spouse in front of others is a violation of trust. If he can’t trust what you say in front of him, what does he think you say about him to others when he isn’t there?
Wow, she sure got the reinforcement she wanted out of this call.
THIS IS my marriage of 33 Years. My husband complains I talk/share too much, laugh too loud, and I am the problem. I have 3 degrees and don't work because he wants me home, yet he complains that he works all day and I get to sit home. Everything is my fault. I have gone and continue to go to counseling. He refuses to go. We are facing divorce.
I don't think you gave her enough time to clarify what exactly was going on. Should have let her give more examples. JMO
Overall I like Dr deloney. But once in a while he really bothers me, like in this video where he barely asked her any questions and he told the whole story. Now, whether he was spot on or not is not really the point for me- he jumped to an IMMEDIATE conclusion within SECONDS of her starting to talk- watch his reaction. The vegetable example was a little ridiculous. I really wish he had made her give at least 1 or 2 other examples of things that she says. Because I'm sure there are much worse things if her husband is constantly getting annoyed at her for saying them.
My point is, I can see a totally different side to the story, and because John didn't ask any real questions we have no idea what the truth is. He finally did at the very end of the call tell her to actually respect her husband's boundaries. But that was after 10 minutes of validating her and bad-mouthing her husband. So I don't know that it did much good at that point.
Here's my point: I know a few people who can't keep their mouths shut. Several times I have been in a group conversation, with many people listening, where a person has said something about their spouse that has shocked me. My immediate thought is oh my gosh if I was your spouse I would be so hurt and upset that you just said that about me to all these people. (And in case anyone thinks it's just me reacting this way, it's not. There's often a visible reaction around the group.) The way this girl talks combined with the way she has described herself and has no intention of making sure she doesn't do it again, she sounds exactly like some of these people. Just no filter, even when it comes to private matters with their spouse.
Also, some ppl are just very private and don't like everyone knowing their business. Her husband might be that kind of person. And if he has communicated this to her and ask her to not discuss certain things over and over and over again, I could see why he's no longer listening when she apologizes. Because it keeps happening.
BUT we'll never know the real story. I really wish John had asked for more information.
So helpful!
Could it be that she has no tact and he has had enough of her saying things that are disrespectful or hurtful???
Absolutely true! Deloney is right
Too bad he has kids with her. Nothing worst than being a realationship slick talking woman who tries to emasculate you in front of friends and family.
Then pretends that she doesn't understand why you're so upset when she knew you didn't like that of type ish before she said it and said it anyway. I feel sorry for the guy. Too bad he can't just pack his stuff and move. It's women out there that don't gaslight and play victim. Get you one
My husband tends to make sarcastic remarks. And tells me, he didn't mean it that way.
🤣 that classic Delony face palm
🤍🤍🤍🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽 thanks for the book recommendation.
Man this is a great video , I wish I knew this sooner
John and all the Ramsey personalities are such SIMPS smh. It’s crazy. Never, ever is it the women’s fault no matter what. Also would like to hear his side of the story. She sounds like she’s the problem
Men that call other men SIMPS are SIMPS!
@@larissagonzales6075 you must know a lot of them
@@larissagonzales6075
I'm a woman calling Dr. Deloney a simp.
Nope every body in the comments wants it to be the woman’s fault always. Get over yourself. Weak
@@terriesmith2616 pick me lol
I keep hearing that having a relationship is so fulfilling but then I listen to these calls....
I’m glad he asked, are you crazy instead of blaming everything on the guy
When you say you’re blunt and honest. It means she not a very nice person. John once again took the women’s side.
There is a difference when someone says that they are blunt and to the point and say things to their partner that are hurtful or speaking to them in a disrespectful, or condesending way. But they would never accept that same behaviour towards them.
He may be over reacting, it’s really hard to tell from this call… but it sounds to me like she is always belittling him and disrespecting him in front of his friends and no man wants to be with a woman who makes him look bad. It’s one of the least attractive things to be with someone who constantly throws out little barbs to embarrass you. You should be fiercely loyal to your spouse, never talk bad about them to others. It doesn’t help the situation, it usually makes other people view him/her poorly, and your friends are probably going to side with YOU, which makes you less likely to apologize since now you “know” you’re right.
Husband made a big mistake getting married to her, obviously they aren't on the same level and he can't stand her.
He needs hop on the bus Gus, make a new plan Stan, no need to be coy Roy- drop off the key Lee....
Being with the wrong person is no way to live.
I couldn’t of said it better my self!!!
Those lines would make a good song.
It's crazy how many leaps John takes from that story. All the sudden her husband must be a gas lighter and she is faultless? Maybe ask what other things she does before making her husband the villain. This makes the therapist profession look bad. With average couples there is always 2 sides to the story.
Maybe you should accept that John has years of experience and education under his belt that helps him identify situations that you may not be privy to. Her explanations fit perfectly to many recorded from manipulative relationships. Abusers follow patterns.
@@NeccoWecco Disagree 100%. John jumped to conclusions based off one statement. One statement is not a pattern. Maybe he should hold judgement about her husband until he gets more information especially when she admits she knows she's in the wrong.
I agree, when people talk around their problems they are trying to shift blame.
@@sherwoodcs14 individual therapy is about helping the individual. it's not about what you think about her husband
@@aundirussell8644And what exactly did John do to get to the bottom of her role in the situation?
He was dead on when he asked if she got found with another man. She even agreed that she found someone else a little after
Yep....
2 red flags! She didn’t speak anything specific AT ALL which tells me she is the problem not him! The other is, SHE IS CRAZY because she literally couldn’t deny it!
So it’s his fault for her failure? Interesting 🤔 blaming game denial at its best geez 🙄, drop it off at the streets and run!
If someone is making comments about you in public with you being present, just put it back to them. This usually shuts this behavior off.
I'm a pretty "blunt" and "honest" person too, but I read the room. If I make a joke or say something that makes someone uncomfortable or self conscious, I stop and apologize. I respect people's boundaries and feelings, especially my husband. I like to hassle too, but sometimes it can go too far. There is a limit.
She's probably going to drive him away. I can just tell by her voice and tone that she's not a soft spoken flower. Her husband isn't going to want to connect to an abrasive woman. I've seen too many women like this ruin their own marriages.
Non-tactical outspoken women (and men) who belittle or "joke" about their spouse in front of people are so incredibly unattractive. I wouldn't want to marry her or be her friend.
When I hear someone describe themselves as blunt etc, all I hear is "im a b*tch"
Great book recommendation! I love that book...
I don't know when the author must've met my parents, or why she was inspired to write a biography about 2 non-famous people, but, yeah... lol
There's more to this story than we know. I think she's got more issues going on than we suspect.
my mother was like that, then my ex was like that too. I think the damage can be beyond repair
I think that we need to get the guy on the phone too. It's too hard to know what's going on here.
This is exactly what I'm going through with my GF. Kinda concerning for the future...
My ex could joke or have fun and laugh. That was my dance as well! He had the affair! The 26 years was just too much! I feel so much freedom now! He was very emotionally immature. He was also sexually abused as a child. His “affair” was more trauma bonding than “love”. Counseling didn’t help… divorce did!
I didn't like what John said. Husband and wife should be a one team and the rest of the world should be another. If there is something between him and vegetables (you have no idea what could be triggered, may be as a kid he had to eat tons of them or nothing at all) and other parties (family or friends) how many times he should have reminded you that this is not something to be joking about. Let's imagine that he had bullied in school and the bully made him eat corn until he throws up. No one knows about it only him. And now here is you telling.. oh he is not into corn. Why are you saying it? To fill out silence? He is an adult he can say things himself. I don't understand how wife cannot understand or forgot it. You'd remember what blush Kardashian uses but not what brings insecurities to your husband? Get a divorce.
The man and the woman have got to both be empathetic with each other when they speak The man is typically the dominant in the marriage and he must lead with empathy and love and kindness He should treat his wife with love, respect and to lift her up 24/7
This type of rhetoric where someone is "dominant" is super destructive to relationships.
@@TraitorHater
Not really
What about her John? I wouldn't want my spouse blasting out to others what I have confided in them. That is disrespect. People who think they are cool because they are "blunt," are rude and self-centered. I'll bet it someone was "blunt" with her, she'd flip out. I think you're wrong on this one.
She has never, ever apologised. Maybe made mouth noise, but never apologised. 'can't say I wont do it again' . Selfish and evil. He needs to exit her.
That husband sounds like me. I need help.
This happened to me sometimes in the beginning. Just mentioning harmless things in front of his family, and then afterwards when we were alone, me being talked to about it and told not to bring up certain things. He was ashamed for his family to know certain things etc, which is fine. But how am I supposed to know every little thing? Then it became anxiety filled visits with his family.... Sometimes felt like I wasn't "allowed" to talk. And he would use dog whistling....being nasty or berating to me in private about something and mentioning it all casually and flippantly in front of his family, then if i react in front of them ..i look like I'm overreacting and crazy.....filled me with anxiety and sadness because i just had to sit there and not say anything 😔
I really wish more examples were asked for.
I agree. He is a gaslighter. I was married to one for almost 40 years.
I think they are both being immature
This one hits home. This is EXACTLY what I'm dealing with... And now... It's over 😞😞😞
Can you explain? I’m not understanding what the problem. He’s mad about a comment about vegetables?
I’m sorry, friend. I hope you can restore your relationship.
I don’t think he’s necessarily a gaslighter, I think they just both gave different boundaries and behaviors that just don’t match up.
Neither should make the other feel insane ofc. If you do yes that’s a problem. We have to understand that everyone is different instead of automatically thinking someone is malicious. Don’t make someone feel crazy because they are different from you.
This woman sounds like she is not self aware. I'm surprised by Delony's handling of this one. He could be a trouble maker, but it's also possible that she isn't taking accountability for her actions and he is frustrated by being put down in public, which is what the beginning of this called sounded like. It is very possible he is constantly gaslighting her and being borderline emotionally abusive, but its also possible she is minimizing.
Many mistakes happen because of impulsivity. We need to stop and think before doing. That saves us a lot of time, money and bad moments.
@5:38
You glossed right over what she admitted to.
Wow! Been there. Experienced that. Thank you for the clarity!
I call it precog justification where your reaction justifies their action.
I feel like he should have dug in more to these so called “mistakes”. Advice I’ve seen him give before, which feels like it would be helpful here, is to talk to a few trusted friends, and basically say “hey, I need you to shoot straight with me - I worry sometimes that I come down a little hard on (husband’s name) or that some of my jokes cross the line. You know me and you’ve seen us together, do you think sometimes I can go too far?” and just see what they say. If the friend tells her she can be a little harsh, then it’s probably time to reevaluate her jokes. If everyone tells her that her jokes seem to be in good taste, then I agree there could be some emotional maturity issues and they probably need to go see a counselor.
I can totally see a world where this woman repeatedly makes “jokes” at the expense of her husband that make him feel embarrassed and that he’s sick and tired of it. I can also see a world where she occasionally makes an off-color comment and he’s still bringing it up years later because he’s refusing to move on, and that frustrates her to no end.
Why the need to put him on blast? Sounds like she’s the one who is immature.
Hey 👋 her husband....run as fast and as far away from this broad as your feet will take ya, these “mistakes” will never end
I get both sides of this. On one hand, men, petulance is soooo unattractive and childish. If you want to be respected, avoid like the plague. On the other, defensiveness is a big no (my biggest relationship issue, personally). Get a coach, watch videos, do whatever it takes to excise defensiveness from your life. If asked "Why did you do that?" DO NOT FALL FOR IT. Just apologize for being thoughtless and move on. Yes, people like that enjoy exacting penance from you because they are projecting their own emotional issues. You don't owe penance...only "I'm sorry" and forgiveness.
Also, *asking* forgiveness helps. "I'm so sorry I hurt you." (Because that is true, right?) "Will you please forgive me?" That makes clear that it's his choice. It puts boundaries around your respective responsibilities
I know a relative who is like her husband who when we r together constantly says this when we leave the area. U should not have said this or u should not have said that. This has gone on for yrs. Then it made me think this is why this relative has been married 4 times. He is a controller. I so get what this woman says. This relative this is his way on making me shut up. Then I started noticing he wants to do all the talking. It is a control mechanism.
This was my former marriage. Everything I did was a transgression- from telling his family too much about our life during gatherings, to picking out the wrong christmas wrapping paper at the store. Everything I did was wrong and it never ended- and I DID end up imploding. John is 100% correct.
It was your fault
@@k-mart7475 wow what an amazing contribution to this thread. Get a life, troll.
It doesn't sound like she's looking for help on him being defensive, etc but rather looking for validation/justification for her anger issues and to blame him for her own abusive actions...
She sounds emotional immature and don’t think she is being honest
Deloney’s partial face palm lol. Sounds like she can’t keep things private. One of my friends will do that sh** to me, so I just limit my interactions around people with him.
I have a friend like that. You will tell him something and not to talk about it... He will turn around and tell someone in front of you. Its so pathetic i just can't be around him.
He wasn't face-palming over what she said. He was face-palming because of how insignificant a vegetable comment is
@@NeuroSeasoned It's a woman. If they do multiple things wrong they use the smallest one as an example to make them seem not as wrong. She's most likely done worse but wont admit to it to keep Dr john on her side. i've seen this before many times.
@@NeuroSeasoned Sure, by itself it’s insignificant, but if she is always taking side shots at him that are unnecessary, then that stuff gets old. I mean she’s his wife. Partners support each other, not take sniping shots at each other around social groups. And I guess we don’t really know for sure.
My best friend is married to a woman like that. She is very sweet, but has no clue either. It hurts me to see how she treats him sometimes. And he is starting to see it too.
If your partner tells you he doesn’t like how you behave in public and you say I’m sorry but I’m not going to stop what is the point of him telling you anything again? I don’t see how he’s under question for communicating what pisses him off ? 😂
Dr John….so clear to listeners that you are actually talking about you own relationship issues here! Please don’t talk about yourself but listen to caller and what is happening to them!!