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Keys to Self-Forgiveness Narcissistic Parents DIDN’T Teach You
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- čas přidán 16. 09. 2023
- Break the narcissistic family cycle of self-punishment by learning the crucial keys to self-forgiveness you were never taught growing up.
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For over 45 Years, Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC has helped 1000s of People in the Same Situation as You… As a family system and self-differentiation coach, he uses his knowledge to help clients permanently get unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to substitute for professional counseling help. Be sure to consult a professional in helping you with these integrate and utilize these concepts.
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Dear Sir, I have a little request, if possible. Could you make a video about mental effects on children, when their favourite toys are thrown away or - what's even worse - gifted to other children? Thanks to your wisdom I start to process my traumatic past. I was raised by my Cluster B duo of grandparents mostly and they used to do it, to make an impression of very giving on others. Do you yourself or some of your clients had such terrible experience in a childhood?
Interestingly - same thing happened to my mother, mostly from the side of her father. He used to tell her : "It's MY apartment, not your. Nothing here is yours."
My mother is 72 now, I'm 42. My father, who also had had Cluster B parents has a whole phobia of getting gifts. I assume he suffered similar abuse as a child, and he was clearly financially exploited as a young adult by his mother.
Could you, please, consider discussing this problem in one of your videos. I believe many people experienced the same thing and don't know how to heal this would.
thank you for what you do. Your videos are very helpful and validating. Now I know I did not lose my mind.
The things I’m beginning to forgive myself is just for being here. Taking up space, oxygen. Forgiving myself for being socially awkward. Financially irresponsible. But that’s still so painful… ugh. 😖
Listening to this, I realize there was no forgiveness in my family. And I know I apologized more than once. There was never any talking about it, or saying, "It's OK," or "We're all imperfect" or anything. Explains a lot
"Nobody's perfect" was a statement only for the others in the family, especially for perpetrators. So now whenever I hear that statement I feel like someone's getting away with injustice and shrugging it off.
@@emil5884 Oh, interesting observation! Same here. My family developed not even double, but triple or quadruple standards. "Nobody's perfect"...yikes... followed by "Don't judge people, you're such a hater !" (after I expressed a valid observation about someone's abusive behaviour).
The way to stop hating yourself is to stop believing the lie that you deserve hate and not love.
Lovely comment. Thank you.
The way to stop hating yourself is to say “no” to punishing yourself and paying yourself off for the things which were out of your control like a self-defense at an earlier age. Just stop doing it and give yourself a chance.
Finally realizing that I came from a very dysfunctional, toxic family allowed me to accept that I had not been given the tools for making the best choices, to be aware that something was happening, my role in it and my responsibility for dealing with it. In other words, I was not prepared for life's every day problems, some of which were serious, and how to recognize and react to them, cope with and address them. My parents failed me in many ways, but one was not talking to me about life and its complexities. I had no template for understanding myself in relationship to others, what I owed them, what I didn't owe them, what I owed myself. Realizing all this helps me to not so much forgive myself but to accept myself as a flawed individual. Perhaps that will allow me to stop dwelling on my badness or will decrease how bad I think I am.
@nancybartley4610 beautifully put. it resonated with me
Blessings.🌹🙏🌹
You are not alone in this You described my situation perfectly. What a mess. Took me a longgggg time to figure it out.
@@megancrandlemire2685 Yeah, a lot of us are in this boat. It is too easy to have kids.
@@bronzewing1965that didn't take long to go off the rails...
Oh yes, shaming family here, no forgiveness
I believe that this information is so confirming and healing . I have carried my entire families shame. I know I'm not alone. Having this information is Soo helpful. And freeing. The question when will I choose to forgive myself is vital. I love this question. Peace to you as a survivor of this horrific abuse. When we know better we do better. Peace.
Shame is so destructive. Most of the things I carried shame for weren’t even my fault. 😢
This one is a massive one for me. I believe that it was a big factor in my developing social anxiety disorder, that crippled me for a number of miserable years. It took a miracle in the form of a new family, who for years I even dubbed "my real family", that were a truly wonderful group of people I was extremely fortunate to get to work alongside. They re-conditioned me to no longer fear that if I messed up I would be shunned and rejected. My family, led by my father, were all very judgemental, and frankly self-righteous and hypocritically so. But I guess that is also the basis behind needing to pick a scapegoat.
I'm still looking for that new family in my middle age. The problem is, and this I learned from this channel, that my parents are reactive people. They're not even emotional. They neither plan nor understand their reactions. So they're really not intentionally judgemental or self-righteous or hypocritical, any more than a nervous dog or a malfunctioning machine is. I also thought that relatives and strangers somehow keep them in check, when in reality it's just that for some reason they react positively to strangers, maybe because they assume the best of them and because the strangers have never depended on them. In a dependency relationship, the raw reaction is "I am better and stronger than you, oh how I love myself", alternating with "you are weaker and needier than me, oh how despicable you are".
Self forgiveness...for what? All I am guilty of is being born. Some of us are just cursed from the beginning for life. It is what it is. The best thing to do is to shut out the family members who betrayed/treated you that way - for life. Otherwise, if you continue to allow them to hurt you, that is on you.
The way I see it is that I blame myself for not being able to react quicker or better to the abuse. That I should have known how to avoid what was coming. Or that I should not have been so reactive, even though I tried not to be. This last one is the most difficult, but as a whole I know I should realize that their behavior is abnormal, no matter how one looks at it, and my reaction after the situation is already out of control really did nothing to cause it in the first place. Also, my parents usually do not plan or scheme to demean, hurt or abuse me. It's just that they're very reactive and seem to think that this is how they're supposed to be. With strangers they often keep their reactivity under control though.
@@seriouscat2231their “reactive” behavior is something they can control. All adults can. They know better. They are choosing not to do better. They’re not doing their best, they’re doing what they can get away with. Making excuses for them helps no one.
My mom used to order me to apologize for things I wasn't even sorry about, nor should have been sorry for, because I was almost always provoked. I would finally work up the courage to grudgingly make the ordered apology and then she would say "well you should be sorry" in a very stern voice. This happened frequently. A couple of times she would drive me to the Church and wait out in the car and order me to go and confess to the priest.
I'm a convert from Protestantism to Novus Ordo to Traditionalism to Sedevacantism to praying at home. I don't believe there is valid clergy anymore, but even if there was, even I know a forced confession does nothing.
Thank you Jerry, I found quite a lot of comfort in the fact that my parents' role was to notice my excessive self blaming and to do something about it. Unfortunately my mother loved to come back to old sins and mercilessly shame us. Thinking about it now, I would hate to see my child (I don't have any) suffer from self blaming. Sometimes we need to be told what is normal, really.
The Lord brought me to your video! THANK YOU LORD THANK YOU JERRY! It’s hard to express how much this means but you are setting me free from a long lifetime of misery with this video! May God richly annoint and bless all your work to help others
Thank you for this wisdom 🙌🏻 I’m going to try it. I wasn’t taught to be kind to myself so this will be a change.
We were taught to carry the narcists shame, rage, and there hatred. I was not taught self love, only to carry there secrets and hatred. I'm willing to forgive myself. Soo many secrets and carrying the shame. I am now forgiving myself for carrying the shame and believing lies , that I'm not deserving of forgiveness because... I'm unworthy and unloveable. This is a lie. I had no boundaries. Because, it wasn't taught. It was comforting to hear him share this information. So healing. Peace to you as you move through your healing process.
@@kimmathe6701
Same here...I have had such difficulty being forgiving toward myself. Never saw this role modeled in my parents, my FOO. I was soo very hard on myself for every little imperfection. Part of that, if not almost all of it, was my parents' belief that it was "their responsibility" as parents to point out all the flaws in each of us kids. I am one of 4. How could we possibly feel loved, lovable or worthy of love? It puts you in defense mode, then get criticized for being so defensive. Never encouraged. Never affirmed. And we were good kids. My parents worked very hard to provide for our physical needs but never knew how to get in touch with where each of their children were. It was all to easy to beat myself up mentally for not being perfect. I now have awareness so I can catch myself and ON PURPOSE choose to be loving and kind to myself. 🩷
I remember watching the commentary of The Kendrick Brothers after I watched the whole movie, FireProof, and they shared how their Dad would ask each son: " Is there anything I need to ask you to forgive me for?" I thought, "wow!!"
He always took the time to check in with his 3 sons about their day, their sports, classes etc. This left such an impression on me.
These three Kendrick brothers are close with big families of their own. They are all involved with making movies together.
I was not raised in a Christian home. We had religion and A LOT OF GUILT, GUILT GUILT. SO IMMOBOLIZING. It seemed to be ingrained in us at catholic school and reinforced at home by our parents unresolved issues that they unconsciuosly projected at us. Makes growing up almost impossible. I have been saved, born-again with a personally relationship with God for many years, but was still in deep denial. The guilt was so so heavy and oppressive I could barely keep my head above water. I could not even begin to deal with my FOO dysf, verbal & emotional abuse, until my parents passed away. The guilt was too too great. I stuffed all my negative emotions for years!
In fact, I probably would still be in denial if GOd did not speak to me...
I had the book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans on my desk, face down. And Father God said to me, "NO, turn that back over, that DID happen to you." It was so so hard!!! I felt like I was betraying my parents!
I since learned that is how childhood trauma victims feel until HEALED.
My mother would oftem say, "you kids are the reason I'm sick! You'll be the death of me yet!"
I remember being as young as
3-years old hearing that. She never knew how to emotionally regulate. Carrying that around was a heavy load for so many years.
But I am getting more FREE every day! THANK YOU, JESUS ❣️
I have taken the class on BOUNDARIES by Drs Henry Cloud & John Townsend several times. So helpful. Would like to take it once a year. That & Safe People. They do an outstanding job teaching on these relational topics. 👏👏👏
It takes practice to change bad self talk into self nurtering talk. And yes, it will be different, I even found it to be uncomftable and awkward in the beginning. Good luck! 🍀
To me forgiveness begins the day I have my apt, my nice, permanent, well paid job, that nobody, except myself will ever take away from me! That day I can even forgive the devil
Jerry, "forgiveness" is so touted as important for healing. Forgive the parents. Somehow to forgive myself. I can see how to forgive a specific thing. Or at least try. How to forgive myself for being born and raised by narcissistic people? For what, being born? They were young, ignorant, damaged people, carrying on damage from generations. I sure see that. Forgive all of them? Knowing full well there will be no justice, no healing. More on this please?
Yes, alcohol ( or drugs) can play a huge part. It played a big part w- my parents, (the emotionally absent, physical/ mental abusive narcissists), & later, siblings, (their flying monkeys), as well, this all being generally typical of the alcoholic narcissist family unit, as have come to understand. Yes, forgiveness = key, self forgiveness & forgiveness of others, though it may be a process over time, is also possible & so, so helpful in our journey to wholeness !
so important! I could believe in God's forgiveness, kind of, and I forgave others easily, but never considered forgiving myself! I was actively self-condemning myself so much, that I considered it one of my recovery goals to be aware of doing it. My most successful experience was discovering my church had a ministry for those recovering from abortion. It was astounding to me to realize how much of my avoiding God and self-condemnation came from that. Forgiveness is not just for others! Thank you for this video and your service to those of us struggling to get it right!
I call it this way: "I must forgive myself that I mistakenly hated myself for not being lovable in eyes of my primary caregivers, while in reality they were those, who were not lovable. I must forgive myself, that I punished myself, harmed myself and was compliant to them, that I tried to win their love, prove my worth. That happened, because I had no other choice. It was not my deliberate choice. It was a necessity to survive. I am the one truly capable to love. I loved them even if they acted mercilessly towards me. Its a sole proof of my worth."
By the way, it's wonderful that you can feel God's forgiveness. I never did an abortion, but I had a lot of hatred towards myself and I wished myself to die. Reading Psalms let me understand, that "I shall not die, but live and proclaim the works of the Lord." It's my new attitude towards myself.
However, I still struggle badly with having hope in God. You know.... I expect Him to hurt and punish me solely for my existence. My grandma (primary caregiver) was an ultra religious person ,who used God as her private executioner to convince me, that He will definitely punish me for being bad (and that "being bad" = reacting with anger for yet another situation, when I was hurt, abused, or threatened, or when I expressed jealousy that other children I know are loved and happy).
I need a grace of a miracle of physical and emotional healing from God, but struggle with believing that He would grant me with it, because of me being a "bad person". Could you please, pray for me? I would be very grateful! I dream to experience God's mercy. To know Him as merciful. There's not much mercy in life I experienced. I condemn myself from not trusting God much, but... I don't know how. I have CPTSD and trust is something I don't know much about. But I want to trust Him.
@@missstarrynight7736, there are religions that demand very little and give very little. Then there are religions that demand a lot but still give very little. There is no religion that demands very little but gives a lot. But the only one I know that demands a lot but gives a lot is the medieval, pre-1958 Catholicism. But not the one that came after that.
By what I say there I do not mean any one of the current Traditionalist movements, because those only focus on appearances, politics and rituals.
❤👏🥰yes! It’s basically learning to “Own our own truths” and how to regularly practice “walking in our why”
✌️😘
Im half way through the video and I had to pause to say thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear coming from a deeply narcissistic family (and to top it off there was also alcoholism). Thank you !!!😊❤❤❤❤❤
You are very welcome, I'm glad the video was helpful
Thank you for watching
Makes sense when you are deacribing the concepts and nuances. Thanks! 🙂
I need to watch this video later. I've started watching these videos and this information is a blessing.
Dear Jerry, you are literally changing my personal perspective, awareness of long term pain and finding a solution at the end (finally as it is so hard and exhausting to struggle this way). Thank you so much! Your videos are a treasure!
Appreciate it,Thanks for watching!
I’m not sure what we should forgive ourselves for all I have is resentful towards my family for what they put me through treating me as a scapegoat my whole life
A lot of people, maybe especially scapegoats, have a tendency to be very harsh on themselves when they make mistakes in life, you know, just mistakes in the sense that none of us are perfect and learning is normal. I think a lot of people here didn't learn that, at least I didn't.
Maybe you should forgive yourself for letting them make you feel/ be a scapegoat. I had to forgive myself for trying to long to make it function. Wasting my time!
Jerry Wise, watching your videos helps me think differently. You truly are Wise. Thank you for helping me become wiser!
You are so welcome, thanks for watching!
I gave a thumbs up based on the title and explanation alone before I even heard it. Self forgiveness??? That's a thing?
Thanks Jerry, it’s always a relief.
Thank yiu for this information. Its confirmation that im moving in the right direction with my healing. When you know better you do better. The carryed shame and carrying the narcissists secrets snd there shame inhave internalized. I wish i never carryed there shit. Im willing to forgive myself for rhis one area of my life. I had no boundaries ..... I felt it was my resoinsibilty to play outbthe role of listening to there traumas .... If i had heslthy boundaries, i never would have emotionally invested and carrying there secrets snd trying to help them .... When that was never my responsibility. I am willing to forgive myself for not having the opportunity or skills to not listen . I need to now hesl from fibromyalgia as a direct result of carrying there shit!!! I wish this didnt hsppen to myself .... It felt heslthy and normal to give away my power and i now realize if i had the boundaries bi have now i mire then likely would not be now needing to heal my entire life. Enotional, physicsl, spiritual self. Thak you for this wisdom.
Self-Compassion - Paul Gilbert - British dude- worth checking out- big ups! folks!
I was always made to say i was sorry to my mother, brother, etc. It was forced and didn't feel real. And then i was told in order to be forgiven, I jad to go to confession at church and reveal all my bad deeds to the priest. It's hard.
This is a step I've been struggling w recently on my healing journey I am so appreciative
Great video about self-forgiveness. It is so necessary! Thank you so much 😊
painful, resonate, much appreciated Jerry.
Self forgiving is self love❤
Some people couldn’t be forgiven- different rules ….
Love this share. I can see how our own apologizing for our "not good" reactions or bad subsequential behaviors also "can" work on the hearts of the narcissist abuser(s), of a possibility, but we don't want to have the approach w- the
is expectation, though we always wanna hold out hope for these kind of good to come.
,
Thank you for your help and support. God bless you ❤
Thanks!
If I knew what I know today, of course I would have done many things differently, but if I hurt anyone in life it was only myself, so I have nothing to forgive myself for, because I know that I was young and at that moment I did what best could be done with what I had, on the contrary, I am proud of myself and respect the decisions of that young woman I was
Thank you so much for this information.
I know my mom loved me, but she also fell into my dad's stupidity. That's why it's so confusing. She gaslit me for my dad's sake. R u efn kidding me? She supported me to a slight point. At the same time took my dad's side. Really? He hated me & u parentified me from 4 yrs/5 yrs old till i finally called u out on it about 25 yo. Really? So confusing.
My parents in the 60's, 70s didnt deal with anything in healthy ways.
I was blamed by my family for my twin sister turning out the way that she did. My twin blames me, too. My parents were lazy and she turned out to be super narcissistic. She’s had a violent temper since birth. Nearly anytime she tantrumed, my other sister and I were punished together, and then my twin would just get away with her behavior, over and over and over again. When my other sister moved out, the finger was pointed at me. I had to calm my twin sister down, make her laugh, keep her in line, do what I could to make her happy “because I’m the twin sister.” Going into adulthood, I became responsible for paying her share of the rent (yes, our parents charged us rent), giving her rides because she refused to even learn how to drive, and other adult responsibilities that were just dumped onto me because my parents were too lazy to teach other. When I got lashed at violently, I was told it was my fault for not keeping my twin in line.
I moved across the country when I was a teen and was guilted into coming back home because my twin was spiraling out of control and I believed it was my fault for being away.
Recently she went through a divorce, went to jail for chasing her now-ex-husband around with knives, and went up a mental hospital. I was blamed for all of that, too. So I was hoovered in once again, and I forced myself to deal with countless hours of mental, emotional and psychological abuse from her over it.
I’ve officially walked away from everyone and I’ve been no-contact for over a year. But healing has been very hard.
This sounds so hard. I'm glad you are safe and pursuing healing. Hang in there.
I'm so sorry! Jeez. That's so rough
Lovely talk, Jerry. Thank you.
Thank you!
Seriously Jerry, Thank you
With all of my heart.
Very much welcome!🙂
Тhank you for sharing meaningful and freeing differentiation.
Glad you enjoyed it!
I will never forgive my narcissistic father and I don't have too.
I m toxic to them, and they are toxic to me idem lol 😂
Lotsa nuances. You explained it well. Ty
Brilliant!
Great stuff..
Jerry, I have a most sincere question. CPTSD here, multi generation, with physical and emotional abuse from infancy. I'm just now learning about how pervasive and malignant it was. I'm 74, been working on this a long time. My brother was murdered with his own gun, due in my opinion to untreated severe childhood abuse, so forth. I have indeed "done things" for which I'm guilty, but not big stuff, or overwhelming. The question is, how to forgive them. My biggest guilt was to be born to them. How can babies, toddlers, young kids do ANYTHING that merited beatings with leather belts, and that was just the starting points.
The biggest bad thing I've done, in their opinion, was to "abandon" parents, go complete no contact, for my literal life. Guess I'm guilty of that. Is that what I need forgiveness for? For choosing to live? Guess I don't feel that's a sin. Although they would.
What in this is mine to forgive?
Are we truly abandoning someone(s) who have abused us? It's not abandonment, it's survival. If I run from a tiger who is about to eat me, am I abandoning the tiger? No, I am surviving the tiger. I'm not looking for asking forgiveness of the tiger for me "abandoning" him. Thanks for watching and commenting.
💎💎💎
You were probably Aethelred The Unready in one of your previous lives! 😂
It s hilarious 😂 😂 😂
You know.. I can't do that until and unless.. I get ridd off castism and unknown warrior.. Forever...until and unless.. My life turns to be castism and unknown warrior free..
nice shirt
Nu !
Jerry Wise, do you have a list of books you recommend?
Yes, you can find it here
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/book-list
Hi sir..i left my narcissist parent and theeir million dillor property .to save me and my family from them...plz suggest me..is my decision correct..i left everything (hell)
Nobody can suggest you this. Only you can decide what is better for you. You definitely is free now, and the next step is your financial independence.
@@aammssaamm I am financially free..I am earning well to support my family...and I have my own house built by me with hard cord to earn my money.
@@audacious7262 Then they don't pay your rent, and you are also free to make any decisions on your own.
@@audacious7262 so you're making the right decision, allow yourself.
I think we should all forgive ourselves, and let go of everything we think we’ve ever done, because morality is a construct of society in which you live.
I thought I was doing pretty good coming from a pastors home ,I am 1 of 5 kids, but I am the middle child and was born at seven months and only weighed 2 pounds at the time of a forced premature delivery, with complications to go along with that, growing up was very difficult, because not only were my parents super religious and judgmental to a fault, they had to raise two twins that were hyperactive, and under developed mentally physically socially, basically autistic spectrum. Very difficult growing up.
Oh, and my father was a Vietnam vet who got shot in the leg and almost died, and had PTSD because of it and got “saved” out of all that .
Mother was raised Catholic
And is 100% French from a little small town . Father raised Baptist in Louisiana.
Many religious people don't read the Bible because they KNOW God does NOT condone their deeds. They make it up as they go and are more about traditions than the word of God. He spoke against this foolishness and called out people that do it. Your parents sound like the same hypocritical, self righteous Pharisees of Jesus' day. Nothing new under the sun.
Proverbs 21:2-4
2 Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the Lord pondereth the hearts.
3 To do justice and judgment is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice.
4 An high look, and a proud heart, and the plowing of the wicked, is sin.
Thank you!
You're welcome!