Why NO CONTACT Does NOT Work For Marriages
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- čas přidán 23. 07. 2024
- Tactics like “No Contact” can actually have a negative impact on what you’re trying to accomplish in your marriage relationship- especially if your marriage is in trouble (and you’re willing to do whatever it takes to get your spouse back).
If you haven’t heard of “No Contact” before it basically means that for a set period of time, you ignore your “ex.” A lot of times, “No Contact” refers to dating (which is different from a marriage relationship). The premise of “No Contact” is “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” But you see, there is a MUCH different commitment level between dating and marriage.
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Here’s why “No Contact” doesn’t work in a marriage- you don’t want to create unhealthy patterns of communication where you “ignore your spouse for a period of time” in order to get them to do what you want them to do. Simply put, it won’t help your relationship grow in the future.
So, what if your spouse comes back? What then??
Well, unlike “No Contact,” you can’t ignore the hard conversations. You can’t manipulate your spouse. Instead, you need to do the right things for your relationship. No tactics. Hard work. Creating patterns of healthy communication with your spouse using “SMART Contact.”
You need to do things that will help your relationship get to where it needs to be. Healthy communication must happen for your relationship to continue (and for your relationship to grow!).
So remember to ask yourself, What is your intention behind a “tactic” or “No Contact”? Are you shutting your spouse out with the intention of having them miss you to come back? To get them to do what you want them to do? If so, consider SMART Contact instead.
With SMART Contact, you’ll be able to communicate in healthy ways (for the long-term!!) based on research and practiced in the lives (and marriages) of thousands! Get the SMART Contact Toolkit here: marriagehelper.com/smart-cont...
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We want to know about your experiences with "No Contact" and "SMART Contact"... What have you tried? What worked?? Comment below!
Smart contact works .... I just need to know how to curb the negative emotions even through that. Exercise 😏
I’ve been employing smart contact for months since our separation and my wife demanded a divorce but she still doesn’t communicate about anything but logistics, no interaction has been negative but she doesn’t come to me at all for anything but processes of proceeding through the divorce
@@crockrom23 what you mean curve?. It hard to do all this, while you know in the back of you head your spouse have no intrest in you. And makes it known and wants a divorse.
No contact to me is like playing a game only. What i get i know its never real. Its like pratice serving in volleyball, we all know i cant count as real points cause it landed on your side. When we know the game has started, only then will we know what to do.
I’ve been avoiding talking to my wife only because when she asked to separate we had a really big argument. And I don’t know how this separation should go. Do we not talk to work on things? Our main issue was her kids behavior and her defense of them. And wanting to avoid discussing what they were doing. It made her feel like a bad parent. But she has been hurt by me not talking to her or seeing her. My thing is nothing in our situation has changed so why see each other or talk. We both want to reconcile though.
You are correct. I was "detaching" in my marriage and working on self-care to make myself a better person, meanwhile he was feeling rejected and lonely and started texting another woman. He was having an emotional affair. Be careful, it can actually push them right out the door. It's a double-bladed sword, be careful! Focus on why you stood in front of your family and friends and announced your vows for each. Communicate and rebuild, you both deserve that.
Yup. Agreed. This is what happened to me in my last marriage. Completely ignored me (rejection) which led me to stray away. You don't ignore your spouse!
No contact does not mean ignoring. It means don’t initiate the contact. Never ignore your ex if you want them back. This will let them experience the breakup. This video misses the whole purpose of no contact.
Exactly
No contact won’t work on people with avoidant attachment. They love the space. They don’t need others. There would have to be a serious emotional tie otherwise.
Exactly. Absence doesn't make the heart fonder, it just gives a taste of the freedom they want. And with kids involved, it's impossible anyway.
We agree that absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. But can you please clarify as to what you mean by "with kids involved, it's impossible anyways"?
What do you mean by that exactly?
We hope we can help you!
It means, if you coparent, contact is unavoidable.
I thought no contact was for breaking off abusive relationships, especially narcissistic partners
Most no contact strategies on the internet involve dating relationships and not marriages. Two different ballgames.
Two completely different levels of commitment! However, if your intentions are to make your spouse jealous and keep them guessing, it is a form of manipulation regardless of what type of relationship you are in. That's why we advise you check your intentions.
Your advise sounds very smart, but I’m so overwhelmed with anxiety that I need the breather of no contact from him. I feel I’m not being heard.
We will never tell you what to do, Maria. You do what you need to do to stay safe. But if you want to save your marriage, we advise following the steps of SMART Contact™, because it is the best chance you have at saving your marriage. Blessings,
My intention is that my heart needs to heal. I've tried smart contact for 7 months...im exhausted!
We are sorry to hear that you have been going through this difficult time. We know that sometimes it feels like you can take 2 steps forward and then 3 steps back. Take it one day at a time! When you are ready to stand for your marriage again and practice SMART Contact™, we are here for you and cheering you on! But we will never tell you what to do.
Blessings,
What if my husband is gaslighting and manipulating me to get me to confirm to complete crap?
I've been compassionate and kind and I've always been the one to reach out, yet he just takes it as if I am admitting in guilty and wrong.
It's been 9 years and now it's gone too far. So we haven't spoken on about a week. I'm not being nasty, I'm just not bothering anymore. What else can I do? If I am the one to reach out it means that I have to accept the garbage he expects me to live in. And I can't do that anymire. I've become a doormat because of how much I have allowed him to continue doing this.
I would not ignore him if he reaches out. He is the one that gives me the silent treatment. I still make him breakfast or whatever. I'm just not reaching out. I haven't blocked him on social media. All I'm doing is not giving in to his manipulation.
Thank you so much! Thank you for your studies. Thank you for your honesty. I wish my wife had had better information instead of BS confirmation bias from people who didn't have good intentions. It kills me. I miss my wife so much. She won't speak to me. It's been a year.
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Great content ..
Hey guys! What if your wife has asked you to stop talking to them. And doesn’t want to talk to me, do I still try and talk to her? Or do I give her the space she needs for now?
Honor that, for now. Fight the urge to communicate and after some time, drop a word or two just to check in and ask how she is. Basically, if one asks for space, give it as much time as you can stand to take
How do you adapt this advice when your spouse is a narcissistic alcoholic and nearly destroyed you, takes no responsibility, continues with their destructive behaviour and when you back off to strengthen yourself they get supply and sex from other women and say the same loving messages that they caught you with?
My wife and I still are communicating but she is still cold and talking about how she will protect herself by getting a job just in case i make her mad again. We spoke today and was very informative but I wanted so bad to tell her how I felt she hurt me and why i was frustrated with her and that she should take responsibility for what she have done. But I just sat and held it in and just listened. Is this this right thing to do while things are rocky?
One of the biggest and most freeing things to learn is that you cannot control what someone else does or say. You need to look after yourself and make yourself the best version of yourself. Learn what behaviors have been wrong and better yourself. You can still want to save or work on your marriage, but focus on what you can control.
I have tried no contact it drew her in but I wasn't able to effectively talk to my wife about real things..I was too excited to be even talking with her I forgot to be conservative I also did smart contact after that mishap it works but she only would want to talk about the hurt and pain of the offenses I kept my composure then went back into the no contact zone but she with me and I'm going along with it only to work on bettering myself in this getting closer to Christ.
It sounds like you could benefit from making use of our SMART Contact™ Toolkit. It teaches you how to not only avoid PUSH behaviors that will push your spouse away from you (like reacting poorly when you are excited to speak with her), but it also shows you how you can tackle the start of working through difficult situations like the conversations that she keeps brining up. No Contact does not teach you how to interact with your spouse, it only teaches you how to avoid important conversations. We would love to help you if you will allow us to!
Blessings,
Makes a ton of sense! S•M•A•R•T thought process.
We are originally from Chicago and we're in Miami looking for to buy a house. My wife called the cops on me when we arrived falsely accusing me but they separated us anyway, the next day she took our kids and emptied the bank account drove to Jacksonville and filed for restraining order. I did not see my kids 3.5 months. How do I start a smart contact with a restraining order?
Im going to have to do no contact because ive done so much damage and we both need the space. At this point i dont know if i want her back. Why would i? If she came back tomorrow, how could i trust her? She left once and if she came back she would know that when times get too hard she could just leave again. Besides she just got an apartment lease for a year and doesnt move in there til june. How would you fix that.
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What if your spouse is going thru therapy and needs time alone to work on his issues?
Hey Lesa, this situation should be described over a phone call with one of our Client Representatives. It's completely free to talk to them but they can better help understand your situation and guide you to the correct resources we have available. To speak to one of our CR's, call 1 (866) 903 0990.
But madam she divorced me and blocked me from everywhere..she is not meeting with me what can I do?
What if my spouse left me when I needed her the most. (After my open heart surgery) left me all alone because she assume that I was with someone else when I wasn't. I am so hurt, I started to love her less every passing day. She cancelled the divorce but I don't even care anymore. She just hurts me every time we talk. I can't keep taking the mental abuse making me believe I was the whole entire problem. Not trying to be manipulative I just have to look out for my own health. It's time to focus on me because no one is doing it for me.
I'm going through the same thing. I've been with my husband since we were little kids. He recently fell "in love" with someone else. It hurts so bad and it's like he's just worried about himself. Telling me he doesn't care about me and ect. While all these years over been a good wife. He doesn't want to leave (so he says) but he wants to continue to see her. I don't think I did anything to deserve this. I feel like he doesn't even value my loyalty. :(
@@chrissmith3227 d problem with some men is they behave like immature little kids n consider the older partner spouse like a mother n new partner more as a partner with some fresh excitement which is where they don't wana leav the mother lik partner n new one
I completely relate to what your going through and I feel the same way. I am trusting in God and praying for His purpose for our lives and His timing to heal and restore us. And I completely get the emotional and mental torture. But I made a promise to her for life even when I make mistakes and completely blow it, or if she hurts me by a thousand cuts, I will try to support her and love her, hoping that God can change us both. I know it’s the worst hell, I’ll be praying for you.
What if your not doing the NC but he won’t speak to you? We have kids and he hardly ever reaches out to me. He rather reach out to my daughter which I hate. I’ve tried numerous times to speak to him positive and he responds with nothing with negativity so I ended up just giving up. I need advice please, I’m desperate.
Hey Crystal Serrano! It sounds like something that could be extremely beneficial to you would be our SMART Contact Toolkit. This will teach you exactly what to do to start rebuilding healthy communication with your spouse! Highly recommend you consider checking it out here: marriagehelper.com/product/smart-contact-toolkit-product/
We truly hope it helps you.
My husband filed for divorce and refuses to talk to anyone or get any type of councoling it's an unbiblical divorce how can I fight for my marriage?
Hi, Melony! Here is a video that gives three tips on what to do if your spouse files for divorce: czcams.com/video/N2Y0G4XtapQ/video.html
i am in the same baat like you...middle of this pandemic waiting on divorce he filed😢
No contact doesn’t work I tried it before I knew about marriage helper, it backfired on me after a week she thought I tried to hurt myself or something. Now I try to practice smart contact and work on my pies I struggle but I keep practicing it some days are better than others smart contact is the way to go. I just talk to my wife about our two daughters and finances I see some little progress it has made from before.
I have a few questions for you guys. I'm going though alot with my husband.
How can we help you?
No contact means to stop any possible action from your part to push them further away. It's not ignoring them but respect their decision. That's the whole point of No contact.
No contact works if they are asking for it. But never ignore the other person even if they've done the same to you.
It is definitely a different situation if the spouse specifically asks you to not contact them. If they ask you to stop contacting them and you keep reaching out, we refer to this as a PUSH behavior. This will push your spouse away. However, we do recommend you practice the teachings of SMART Contact™.
How can I call u guys ? I really need help and advice.
Hello! Please call us at 866-903-0990 or email us at info@marriagehelper.com.
Me and my husband were sperated three other months ago he left ne because he wants to have kids with anohter wkman. He acutely went to a physic. We were geeting along and we fought and he disconted his phone number from me and said he wants divorse and not to call hi. Now what do I do we have bills together help.?
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I disagree. Sometimes its just better to leave him or her alone for a while...there are wounds only time can heal. In that time its okay to leave things alone
We aren't all going to be slapped in the face by no-contact. I'm not contacting because I asked for the space. And thats how it is
My wife left me and will not talk to me about anything except the kids. How do I get her to open up to me and try to work on our marriage.
Hello, Blake! Here is a video we have on how to implement SMART Contact when you have kids: marriagehelper.com/smart-contact-if-you-have-kids-cmm/
SMART CONTACT ITS VERY HARD
Or when they say they love you but arent in love with you anymore?
+(234):81:5:6:89:64:36
Thats the day there telling you they lost respect for you and its time to move on.
Hi! What about a long distance marriage? What would be the best course of action?
We have a video about this! czcams.com/video/urOKAJ-l2qw/video.html
What about them implementing no contact?
Regardless of how your spouse is acting, we always recommend you continue practicing SMART Contact™.
Thank you for your questions though, Tammy.
We are considering making a separate video of what to do if your spouse is practicing No Contact against you.
But what if she is ignoring me?
No contact work very well when you are leaving a narcissistic partner who you never want to be around again, but for a normal marriage it doesn't. When my 1st husband left he went no contact on me. We were never able to talk and work through our issues. By going no contact it took any hope of reconciliation away. I believe we could have worked through our issues. We had been best friends. His childhood caused him to not be affectionate. Almost 20 years later we are emailing each other, and he told me the child abuse he experienced from his father. It explained to me why he is the way he is. I would not have divorced him had I known and not been sick going through a breakdown at the time. No contact has its place, but not for most marriages.
My wife walked out on me three weeks ago and she has refused any contact. Ignores text messages, phone calls, FaceTime, and I sent her flowers. Still nothing. I have finally just stopped trying to contact her. We have been married over 23 years. There’s no adultery (at least on my part) that I’m aware of, no physical abuse, but a lot of drama with her parents who have tried to break us up since before we were married.
True love never dies, don't give up someone you love, all hope is not lost
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Text him on what sap
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Ok. I do not ignore her however we do not talk on regular basis. We talk only when either one desires to speak. She left, said she needed time and space. I let her have it but I let her start the convos. She has said she does not want the marriage any more but she says she misses me.
It's so frustrating when they say they miss and love us but still want the divorce. What do you do with that? Ugh!
It sounds like you could really benefit from our SMART Contact™ Toolkit. It teaches you so much about how to maintain healthy communication with your spouse. Also, although we cannot diagnose any situation without knowing all of the details, it could be that your wife is in what we refer to as "The Valley". I suggest you speak to one of our Client Representatives to learn more about what you can do to help your situation.
@@MarriageHelper Do husbands end up in the "Valley" as well? Because I don't understand how he loves me, misses me and even enjoys my company when I come around but still wants a divorce. It's so confusing!
Marriage Helper I have seen the video you have on that. I looked into doing the 10 week online course but the price I can not afford. I will keep watching your videos. Thank you
My wife and I are separated since December. I believe she find someone else .but she calls me alot because we have a daughter .
Sometimes I try no contact and it works to a point . But not sure what to do . My church is not even helping me . I am just stress .I want her back.
How do I start a smart contact with a restraining order? I was falsely accused, I haven't seen my kids 2yo 5yo 8yo and my wife in 3.5 months. Help!
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And what if your spouse doesn't want to communicate with you. What then.
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I think one has to be just authentic with their feelings. If they don‘t want no contact bec they‘ve been hurt, be it. For those who wants to communicate.. use the communication skills or smart contact. But the bottom line is, avoid being toxic but thst too.. is valid for a person who‘s been hurt.. and all we need is how to be spiritually matured in the situation. A hurt child would throw tantrum bec it doesnt know how to handle the pain yet, while a mature person would knowing what he/she needs to do bec she/he knows the her/his value. The bottom line .. your value is never for everyone and tge ego has to learn to accept that.
I really hope I can get back my love... I will improve!
I was doing no contact he’s reaching out to me slowly but hey I’m keeping my head up and my mouth shut
No contact for me is good, because I don’t like to fight, and I can get very nasty when I argue
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@@nickdoggone5053 who
What if you and your spouse are already divorced?
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Oh here I thought this channel actually cared about struggling couples but it’s actually just bait to buy a product.
Talk about manipulation.
I think it depends on the situation. Like she want a divorce or need some time alone and she don't want to communicate. Than is batter to respect her decision and go for a no contact not to bring her back But for you to work on yourself. You can't force someone to love you.
No contact is not manipulating, in marriage or not. It is not a tactic but to have time to grow and get ready to a better relationship, AFTER the other person refuse to connect. In this case, no contact and to grow and get better at communication are equally the same.
Ya no. It's manipulation! You aren't setting yourself up for future better relationships. This is avoidance!
That is NOT the premise behind no contact in a 12 step program, such as SLAA. These premises are vindictive and manipulative which should never be done.
No credible coach says to ignore.
Guess what: If she has left, then she does not have hat commitment. She might have said it once, but she doesn't have it. And then you go on to talk about communication patterns. You understand that, in your example, someone has walked out on their marriage, right? At that moment, it is not a marriage anymore. One person walked out on that. It becomes a separation, which changes the rules.
God doesn't listen to our prayer requests when we are sinning against Him... when we treat Him like dirt (He will listen to confession and repentance), so why should I do what God does not? Why should I listen to a wife who treats me like dirt? I'm trying to justify my sinful sullenness and pouting Biblically. Is it working? Hasn't God been wronged way more than we have? Certainly. Isn't He quick to forgive and merciful and gracious in spite of our rebellious and selfish acts? Certainly is. So, why is it so difficult for me? I can't do it without God's power.
Maybe it's up to the person who decided to walk out on the marriage to do the right thing.
@clay anderson who
I wish I had watched this video months ago
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My intention is to be better to add happiness to my wife's life.
Smart contact not working I reached out 3 times she has not responded to call or text even. A letter. We where supposed to renew our wedding vows for our 25 year anniversary. She said she needed space and doesn't know who she is. I didn't do anything wrong. This started when she went back to work. During the covid . I made sure she had everything she needed to to be able to return. If she doesn't want to speak to me at all . I could understand if I cheated or argued or physically abusive . . We been going on dates and trips etc for past year no sign of anything . She said she likes her independence? Very confused
I think she needs the gift of loss
She is friend zoning you. Like they say..scarcity creates value. Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Give her the space she wants. Like actually give it to her
Totally misinformed.
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@sylviahernandez
a bit dishonest! No contact doesn’t mean ignore your ex. It means if you got dumped, you do not reach out, but you do respond! stop being dishonest!
@clay anderson who
This video is for people who think marriage makes them special and above the “filthy unmarried” 😂 if your spouse left you, they dgaf about “hEaLtHy” communication. Marriage does not change the human behavior of people in relationships. A piece of paper will not make them respect you more. No contact is to take your power back. Nothing outside of keeping your dignity and respecting their wishes could force someone to reconsider being with you because you basically beg them to have a conversation with them.
I beem separeted from my wife for almost 3 month and she want a divorce and SMART CONTACT IS SO HARD BECAUSE YOU JUST HER BACK.. i miss my wife and son. My family.. im in a prison of good memories in our apartment. How someone that loved you so much can tell you i dont want to be with you. I love you but not inlove with you.
We are so sorry to hear your pain, Juan. We have, unfortunately, heard this exact situation thousands of times. Practicing SMART Contact™ is the best chance you have at saving your marriage. In the meantime, we recommend you watch this video that our founder, Dr. Joe Beam recorded. It helps you understand how to work through the situation of what to do next if your spouse tells you they love you but are not in love with you. Watch that video here: czcams.com/video/-KrIwu-sSmE/video.html
@@MarriageHelper its hard because you trying and when you see your wife in social media having and good time and you arent part of that any longer.. and no im monitoring her social media. But we always have follow each other on social media. And talk to each other social media and post stuff of eachother
Let it go. Many fishes out there. Try to see your kid and move on. Life to short for that bullshit
She found someone else that’s happing to me right now,no one leaves the house unless there is something else pulling her away from you. The same words my ex told me
Héey comme vous voulez et comme vous la santiré dans ta peau moi je resterai toujours moi
Même ok merci d'avance
This video is functionally enabling abusers to continue to get to their victims. If there is ANY abuse (look up the Duluth model), no contact is the ONLY safe option.