Benjamin Tod from Lost Dog Street Band, "Using Again," // GemsOnVHS™
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- čas přidán 3. 06. 2017
- In light of Benjamin's new direction musically, we decided to try something different for this recording. The words say it all.
You can find Benjamin's tunes on Spotify (open.spotify.com/artist/30hVq...) and all other streaming platforms, and catch Lost Dog Street Band on tour this summer. Check out the tour dates at www.lostdogstreetband.com/.
Our undying love and gratitude go to our executive producers for making this project possible: Brad Sirois, Mitchell Davis, Keith McQuillan, David Jameson, Lisa Galvan, Irvin Maddox, Josh Collins, Brady Jones, Julie Nestoroff, VJ Arizpe.
Consider becoming a Patreon contributor to help sustain this project. For the price of a cup of coffee every month, you let us continue finding and filming amazing artists.
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GemsOnVHS is a long running series of intimate, off-stage performances by songwriters we love.
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shot/edited by Anthony Simpkins
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Stream Ben's tunes on Spotify at open.spotify.com/artist/30hVqCpEQ8gBRdNvgWMr20?si=l_ViGiCjQke7K-GChjQwbQ, and find him on Instagram at @benjamintodmusic.
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Audrey Chase
GemsOnVHS my favorite spot for great artist. One day I hope to grace this channel
Many of these performances sound better than the album cuts. Your engineer deserves big love.
CZcams is free.
Shit I wish I could but times are tough and I'm just trying not to use again... This song among others on this channel keep me going. Soon as work starts again I would love to contribute! Love this stuff!
3 years since i posted here. im finally 1 year clean and no one to share this with, but i made it. i hope someone sees this.
edit: holy fuck i never expected this, i cant thank you all enough and say how much i needed it. i lost my father start of the year, then my dog died in feb and lost my rental due to room mate stealing my rent while attending father's funeral. i came to this page to remind myself, dont do it man, just jam to Ben and breathe. then i saw how many of you reached out and took the time to respond to a stranger. your kind words, cheers and prayers made me tear n smile. even though we dont know each other, all of your words were felt, every single comment and i can assure you, im still sober today.
i'll see you all on year two. keep yo chin up and ill do the same
Hell yeah my friend! Glad you're doing well!
Congrats brother I'm proud of you my friend never give up and stay strong
I see this and can tell you 17 yrs for me and can be in your future keep it up.
Keep trucking on. It is possible. 6 yrs clean myself. It can be done.
proud of you
To everyone feeling for this song just know that if no one else loves you man I love you.
thanks brother. i love you too.
Thank you brother. Found this song a few years ago during one of my relapses. When I saw your comment it reminded me of a fellow in my home group that always used that phrase👍🙏We do recover 🙏
Thank you bubba I love all y’all
Same to you brother 💪
Omh... are you still here?
It does not matter if you were a junkie, druggie, alcoholic, or stone sober, this song relates a mans feeling of not being good enough, not reaching others expectations. Others pass judgment without knowing the story. This song is amazing for any one that's ever gone thru some shit in life.
Indeed.
I agree with you to an extent, but this song is 100% about drug abuse, and only those that have stared into that horrible abyss can truly understand and feel it.
Amen brother
100,%. I’m 9 years off heroin an almost 2 from alcohol. I still sob every time I I’m hear this song
Yea but if you’ve ever been as misfortunate enough to experience it you might just have a deeper feeling of what it feels like being “not good enough” as you put it. However that’s a fainting feeling compared to the despair, disappointment, self loathing, bottom scum piece of trash feeling one can get to should you slip & fall along the users tightrope rite back in the shit. The last thing on your mind will probably feeling not good enough for someone else because at that time you’re not even good enough for yourself. FYI you don’t want to play the “how low” card with a x-junkie. You ain’t never gonna win that one.
As an recovering addict this is probably one of the most powerful bunch of words I’ve ever heard
Same
Congrats guys, hope you’re still sober. I’m coming up on 60 days
This hits the feelers 😢
Same bro… 4 years clean and this hits hard.
You got this man
I'm only 47 days clean. This song made me remember hating myself for being a junky . I can barely look at the man in the mirror. But I don't despise him anymore. I despise who he was. Made me cry. I pray for all my brothers and sisters still lost out in the madness. May you find peace.
Wishing you well Derrick Coyle on your fight for sobriety. It’s 8 months since your comment and hopefully things have looked up for you since.
Fuck man. I wish people could talk to me right now.
Luke Azbell go to a meeting man. I promise if you go and tell people you need help they will at least in NA. I can't speak for other programs. But I have been to NA meetings all over the eastern side of the U.S. and always felt at home
Keep your head up man. You should be proud of 47 days. I'm a year & a half clean with the help of Subutex. Without it I wouldn't be here. Take it one day at a time & remember life is precious.
Derrick Coyle keep on keepin' on
41 days clean from heroin today 🖤 godspeed to those sick and suffering
Congrats!!
Thank you for that been clean ten years started out as fun ended up with a gun in my mouth..thank God
Keep it fresh xo
Thums up for you,Susanna!
And now?? I'm 2 days clean (i know thats nothing) but i'm severely feeling it today. And i know it's gonna be hard for a lot longer...thoughts of leading a 'normal' life again scares tf outta me. Anyway,hope your still on top of it...respect✊
I shared this song with a dear friend a few years ago. every time he would relapse he would send me this back. i would reach out and help him get back into a program to get back on track. it was our sign of, im ready for help. my dear friend recently passed away from an o.d. i will now listen to this song as a memorial of him.
ya that's HARD but expected. You can only do what you can do and unfortunately is not that much. Aint your fault
Sorry to hear
I listen to Tyler Childers Nose to the Grindstone in the same way. I got clean and my buddy didn't but he would always send me that song and tell me he envied my sobriety. keep your head up, It takes people willing to relate and encourage someone if they are going to have any chance at all. Opiates ain't worth it boys.
I lost alot of friends over 2020-2022.. the world has sure changed for the worst.
@@chelsijowers7182 🖤
5 years clean and this song still hits like it was yesterday.
18 years meth free. This song still hits hard.
@@papapaul7940 Hang in there, Brother!
Seven years here. Scars feel like they bleedin'
but nope.
Stay safe comrades.
Found this song while looking for a metal band... Has already changed me. So good.
Hope you’re well, internet stranger.
3 chords and the truth...never gets old.
my man
do you know the picking pattern?
c major d minor g sharp and f sharp
its actually four chords but great point as a beat can do wonder with truthful lyrics
@@nicholasrourke3836 I see D major then c then walk it down to g. I don't hear any minors. But that's just my ear
If you’re reading this, you got this. Take control.
Thanks
Recently found out my best friend who recently committed suicide listened to this song and would sing the words out and cry to his girlfriend. LLJC 😇
Much love, thank you
I'm not sure
Hit me in the feels. So random but needed to hear it thanks brother or sister
The most powerful song I've ever heard in my 49 years. If this song doesn't make you feel something you might want to check your pulse......Haunting...
Agreed
I'm 48....clean since June 30th..off the herion..
@@williamwhiddon4494 how'd you finally kick it bro
If you’ve chased the dragon this song will make your soul cry
I knew his dealer in Asheville NC. Pregnant girl. He never stopped using. If you gave half a fuck Benjamin you would make it right with that girl. Her name starts with C
Unfortunately I just went back out, living lowdown and using again.. After 8 years clean. I'm stuck in Charleston and suppose to be going to rehab in Huntington beach. I hope I make it. I relate to every lost dog and Benjamin song as if he were singing of me. Somehow this keeps me going. Yall wish me luck.
Hey! I made it to California. I've been in rehab 1 1/2 months now. My girl left me after 4 years together and in love. All I got now is me, my sobriety, freedom to roam and these tunes. Yall wish me luck.
UPDATE!
4½ Months down the road and I got my own place in Huntington Beach and not using or Drinking! Great job and life's a little easier. I can smile now knowing i mase it all possible. I think back on writing this comment and damn was i in a bad bad, dark place in my life. Well Want to go see Lost dog if they get out this way. Later!
Good luck. You can do it.
Hey man, stay up and stay sober ... HB is a hard place to do so but I wish you nothin but the best down there bro.
Hhh
Stick it out buddy. You’ve got this
Wow dude! Congratulations my friend! I'm in Washington and have been through relapses and treatment up here so sort of know some of your experience. Thanks for sharing your success and good luck in the future.
Me and my brother drank with this man on a few occasions. Seemed like a quiet guy but we started talking a bit after a few drinks and he told us a hell of a story. Was a really cool dude and I love his music. Wish him nothing but the best. He deserves it.
That's cool I honestly could only imagine the awesome stories this dude has to tell
I like this dude
I wish my son could've had a drink with him. He loved this mans music more than anyone else.
Jealous. I'm a recovering heroin addict this song always made me cry
@@loose_phlegm3047 3.5 yrs off that shit bro..for me..Im a lifetime addict..last 20 on heroin b4 I laid it all down..Proud of u man...Get thru today...fuck yesterday.
Can't see tomorrow..Peace n strength bro..
You don't have to be an addict to live in the same dark place as Ben.
I can promise you that.
yes this is personal tragedy. Beautifully done.
So very true, my friend
This world is a dark place
That's exactly right Williamsjs10.
That is the truth. Self loathing isn't exclusive to addicts.
At 33 years old I was a full blown addict for 18 years, the verse holding a needle like a gun in my hand really hits home, i have now been sober 3 years living my best life with a wife and 2 beautiful kids and a great job. It gets better. Keep pushing. You got this! I love you all!
Stay strong brother.
“held the needle like a gun in my hand”…60 days clean today. I just want to be done with the feelings spoke about in this song. I am so so tired of putting my soul through this pain. listened to this song 3 times in a row and still tearing up. I love all of y’all.
Damn, man! Congrats! Keep that shit up! That’s awesome, amigo
Hope you're still clean internet stranger.
Then he would have blown his arm off
I pray that you are still clean. u r worth loving yourself
Hope you're still clean my friend 66 days for me today.
This is one of the saddest songs I've heard in awhile. Reminds me of how much I hated myself during my relapses, but by the grace of God, I'm 15 months sober.
Update: this month, September 2021, marks three years sober for me, and I want to thank everyone for their well wishes and support. If you're struggling, know that you aren't alone, and I pray God brings comfort in your life.
Yes, but hr has some selfinsight, and then there is some hope(?)
Keep it up Brother!
Chris R PREACH. 🙏
You're awesome Chris, congrats 🙏
Hope you are at 21 months.... just a stranger
"I wish I was who I appear, cause I despise the man in the mirror"
Shit hits home
agnostickamel it really does.
yeah the tears hit me at that one
The mask he made to cope with the life he loathes falls away with every one of his gut wrenching songs, the truth is more than most of us can haul around too long, I hope he fights the demons and reveals the truth we all need
I can surely relate, good sir.
agnostickamel i feel this song deeply. Been fighting addiction my whole life. Started playing guitar and this one is played alot. To all of us hell raisers, addicts, or recovering addicts. Alot of ppl can relate. Great song
I’ve posted on this vid before but I wanted to come back and say I’ll have 4 years clean in December. Anytime I think about going back that shit, and that needle, and the tar I come back to this song just to remind myself what it is I’m planning. Thank you Benjamin Todd. You help more of us then you’ll ever know.
Amen brother, I'm staying strong here also. This songs has always helped me stay clean, even when I remember using to this very song feeling pretty useless. Now its an anthem of strength for me. God Bless
4 years clean, listened to this song so much when I was at my lowest point, now I play it and remember how I came from ashes, and now I'm out of the dark, anybody trying to find your way, we do RECOVER!!!
“A starry eyed boy never taught self control” is my favorite line from this song
Or “ so I held a needle like a gun in my hand” both really resonate with me very deep down.
Almost every line
Send me to hell with the rest of my friends
He actually sang this line as i read your comment.
"You can send me to hell with the rest of my friends", resonates very strongly with me, lost friends to drugs and suicide, always makes me think he's talking about them.
As the mother of a heroin addict it saddens me to hear these words sung, yet I know deep in my heart that they are the very same words that my son sings when he plays his guitar and weeps softly in his darkest hours shared with the demons that haunt him. I wish that I could take away his pain.....and I wish that someone could take away mine.
God bless y'all I'm praying for you both.
god bless you both
Addiction is the devil,it wraps you up and holds you there. It's the hardest thing to break free from.
suzie bond I hope you both find your peace....I live in my own hell every day...I understand his pain. I wish it on no one
instagram.com/bluebaglife/
You might relate to this x
Addiction, Support, Health & Social Care, Prison, Recovery, Death, Love & Blue Bags
To Ben H, this song is you to a T. Never knew and will never know why you chased the high. We all have demons and some are worse then others. Miss you brother.
29 years of getting high and drinking has finally come to an end. I'm finally clean and sober. I truly relate to this song
From somebody who has buried my fair share of loved ones due to addiction I just want to say I am proud of you. Keep fighting the good fight!
yup i was 13 high and 12 sober ... 8/24/22 is 13 high 13 sober ... so i guess im 50% 50% but i wont ever touch fit/heroin ever again... its ppl like this thread that keeps me hopeful
32 yrs addict and a drunk. Im 9 days in.. but money is just around the corner. Its a tuff tuff battle..
@@DaysofNotty it is a battle. I've slipped a few times but got right back on track. I have an amazing treatment team at the VA I go to. My best advice is day by day. If that is too much take it minute by minute or hour by hour. Reach out. Meditate. Change these three things... People, places and things. Change the people you hang around, the places you go and the things you do. I had to move out of state to do it. But you got this. You took the right steps.
On the evening of July 28, 2010 my brother relapsed. A supposed friend gave him a hot shot and watched him die before calling emergency services. That afternoon I had talked to him and he asked if he could crash on my couch but I was out of town working and didn't want to bother my girlfriend.
He left a son behind who was to turn 8 yrs old 3 days later. I have since adopted him and am raising him as best as I can.
Very rarely do I hear a song that brings forth emotions so much. This damn song has fucked me up.
You are a great son, brother and father. Keep it up
Had a friend of mine hang himself about 2 and a half years ago. I still feel so god damned guilty. I saw his path, and turned my back instead of offering a hand. I’m sorry to hear about your brother. I hope you and your family are doing well.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I respect the hell outa you for raising the boy into a man.
Im so afraid of losing my brother. I also am using. Life is so hard sometimes.
That's a very touching story, and my heart goes out to you Brother.
After 26 years of addiction I am 60 days clean thank you for this song
Some music can change lives
I hope your still clean
Stay Save man
Joshua Haugen one day at a time, it never gets easier but it’s worth the fight 👍
Joshua Haugen stay strong brother!! Life can be shit most of time but just keep pushing forward. I don’t know you but I love you man
ODAAT
Hope your still there 6 months later! And if you’re not it’s never too late man. We’re all here rooting for you dawg
Today I am almost 5 months sober from fentanyl/meth/crack, if you see this and you are struggling just know that if you are breathing it is never to late to change your life. A moment of silence for the addicts still suffering. 🙏 ❤
Were all gonna be ok
I have given up my wife my daughter to be homeless and addicted. I fuckimg hate myself and wish death would end my misery. However I know I must fight. Fight for my life and my daughters future. I just can't quit. Why? Suicide? I don't want to be this anymore
Too all of us in recovery congrats. I've lost friends and family to the hell. I've lost everything twice to it. I'm living in a shelter for homeless veterans but I am clean and sober and starting to rebuild.
Good luck ✌👍
And rebuild you will. Just a little at time my friend.
I've had a deep connection to this song since I first heard it years back now. I just read some of the comments., and I'm in tears, I love you all stay strong my misfit friends, I promise to do the same. THANKS IS ALL I CAN SAY!
I just cant stop the drinks, kicked everything by myself. Lapsed a few months ago but again I kick it. But I love some drinks and bullshitting, everyday I get closer and closer to being the man I wanma become. If Yous ever in georgia holler we can have a fun sober hangout! I have no friends just my dogs and thats the hardest part
@@saucerhead494 if you ever get to Northern Kentucky you're welcome to come hang out.
my wife and I lost our youngest son to a drug overdose a year and a half ago. This song just popped up on a random playlist. I have listened to it 3 times already and it is tearing me apart. The truth in what I watched my son go through is layed out in words right here. As a musician I know how hard these songs are and I thank you for this one.
I'm sorry you had to go thru that, addiction is a horrible demon that I would not wish on the worsts person in the world.
Big love Steve!! My father was a heroin addict
i'm so sorry
my condolences
I'm so sorry for y'alls loss.
Clean and sober for a 7 1/2 years. Wife, two beautiful girls, and a job. Currently crying on my couch. So many feels
I'm a chronic relapser but I'm sitting here with a little over 10 months. It's songs like this that speak to me and help me remember the pain, it's songs like this that saves lives. Thank you
I'm almost 3 years clean keep going my friend life gets btr.
That's huge progress my friend be proud
finding this 3 months after, hope your still doing good
@Jeremy Fuller thanks for the encouragement but I've fallen off a little
You can do it! 8 years sober here. One day, One step, then the next. Focus on the goal.
We listened to this in rehab. Ill never forget the first time I heard this song. Everything will be okay. Hurt people hurt people. Positive change my friends.
Currently in rehab and we got our phones back for Christmas, this is the first Christmas in 3 years that I’ve been sober, believe in yourself and you need to take that first step that is scaring you to death and reach out to somebody for help. Recovery is possible and real and it’s a hell of a lot better to be in a rehab on Christmas Day missing your family than it is to be on the streets dying and missing your family. Please love yourself and reach out
Love to hear it man stay strong!
I hope you find peace and serenity. Stay strong and stick with your recovery, you can make it through.
Absolutely. More power to you and we live through our connections. One team one dream 😍
Proud of you
Brandon M I hope your still sober!
This song haunts me. It is the most honest and profound expression of addiction and relapse I've ever heard. Damn you and bless you Ben, for laying wide both our souls.
Well put.
I listen to this many times during a 24hr period. I can feel his music through my entire world. It amazes me like I'm seeing it for the 1st time everytime and tears pour freely behind the dark in all our lives
Stepping over our friends bodies gets old
I love you all
Pure, uncut fire. This tune has rattled me to my very core. 🙏
listen to it every day it hits hard af ... war inside of me.... is fire also
I’ve been clean and sober 20yrs now , it can be done , great tune very relatable for this old addict , I’m 61 in 13 days .
52 but that's like the new 30 which makes you more like late 40's.
Keep up the good work Mr Willard!
@@Cletus1987 still clean :)
I’ve lived this so long... this is the first song that has made me cry in years
First song ever
As a junkie 6 years clean I truly appreciate the beautiful form of expression ben has transformed a relatable modern pain into. With authentic American sound. THIS is culture. From homelessness myself in a shelter and on the needle to a college degree in electrical engineering. "We move at the speed of pain". Adversity breeds greatness.
I've been homeless on the streets smoking meth behind a grocery store in the middle of the night with no clue where my life was headed.
thankfully I have a home now. I'm actually doing a lot better than I have been in a long time, I got housing, I got my driver's license reinstated, and I'm back to work part time
Unfortunately I also started using meth again and I feel so terrible knowing I'm decieving my friends and family every time I mention that I'm still clean but I don't know how else to deal with my emotions, I have a personality disorder that makes me feel them way too intensely and meth and alcohol seem to be the only things that kind of help me forget or ignore them. Also music like this, it's all a recipe to help me relax and feel like a human again, cause sometimes I forget that I am actually a human 🤔
I don't know why I'm posting this, I'm just high as a kite and feel like getting out some of what I'm feeling to strangers on the internet with the hopes that somebody will read what I have to say, it kind of validates me
@@danielmata7419 hope ur better Daniel, I'm homeless right now, I've been there
That's the kind of story that needs to be shared to new comers. I remember when I first started my journey to recovery. I thought, why try? It seemed impossible to get 1 day over without using. Let alone becoming anything more than an addict that has destroyed everything.
Financially I was bankrupt. Spiritually I was also bankrupt. I was broken and thought to myself I'll never be able to do anything more than chase my addiction. It was people like you sharing stories of how it's only too late if you never try. Going from homeless to college degree. Sharing how if you just keep pushing forward then there's no limit to what we can reach.
Much like you, I was also homeless and ended up becoming a process engineer. I try to share my story to those that need to know that it is possible to turn it around. Getting clean was the absolute hardest thing I've ever done, but people like you that tell your story of success is like throwing a rope to someone that is stuck in a hole.
Congratulations on getting and staying clean. I know, first hand, how difficult it truly is. Congratulations to becoming an electrical engineer. Please keep sharing your experience, strength, and hope.
The needle took more than I could’ve ever imagined. Just about 3 months since I had one in my arm . Grateful.
Hope you're doin well brother.
For those wondering what 11030 means... It's code for HOBO Travelers use it to mark safe spots for people such as on buildings and train cars. (place a horizontal line between the 1's and a vertical one by the 3)
I was literally sitting here wondering that as I scroll down and see your comment 🤯🤯🤯
Thank you I've always wondered.
Thanks! Funny cuz my son called himself the new American hobo and he didn't know that. RIP Jacob. Now we know.
Thanku
Lived next to tracks a few years. Fed a guy once and had em stop by all the time. Knew they had signals. Good guys all.
"I wish I was who I appear, 'cause I despise the man in the mirror."
Ouch.
I know I feel like I could hardly play guitar if I felt that way, I would just be upset with myself.
The first time I heard this song was a few weeks out of prison and had just started shooting dope again the same day. It rattled me to my core and it was on repeat for weeks. It's amazing to sit here and listen to this today 4 years clean and sober. It was not coincidence that I found this song the day I started using again a few years back...
This song makes me FEEL so much. This October I'll be 4 years clean. Benjamin Todd has spoken to my dirty old soul. My old people are dying or being put in the system.... this man knows it all too well. Thank you, Benjamin, for understanding and knowing what life for people like us truly is.
Sincerely,
One of your biggest fans..
To every recovering addict... I was there 17yrs ago!! I would've never made it out alive if it wasn't for my kids. I almost went back to using in 2008 when I had to bury my 6yr old son. During that time I fought many demons. Myself being the worst one to battle. I still have the casing from a 9mm that I tried to kill myself with. The bullet didnt go off & that is what finally broke me. I had to seek professional help & I had to fall on God. Anytime I question my worth, I pull that bullet that didnt go off out of my safe & tell myself I was spared for a reason. 12yrs has went by & I'm still sober. I'm here today to tell my story & the pain of the loss is bearable now. Dont give up!!
Wow, man. Congratulations on the sobriety. And thank you for sharing.
Stay strong, brother
I've got 18 years sober now. There several very good reasons why I shouldn't have lived to get sober. But God is fickle indeed and I'm very grateful.
God bless you! I'm still battling addiction and demons but I'm making small bit steady progress. I still get high but I'm handling my business and not just sitting at the bottom of the hole I dug wondering how I'll ever get out. I know now what I have to do and I'm doing it every day. The drugs have been such a crutch for me the past 11 years and this habit is gonna die hard, it just hope the habit dies before I do, I really value life and I don't wanna lose mine
@@danielmata7419 you'll make it out alive!! Keep the faith & fight the hardest opponent you'll ever battle.... YOURSELF!! Try not to be too hard on yourself, you're only human.
I lost my uncle a week ago. He was a slave to drugs and alcohol for most of his life. He finally beat back the addiction before he passed. He went peacefully. Remember the fights not over till you've won.
Victory is not what we chase, the fight is never won, because there's always another fight, already waiting - we chase peace and unfortunately, peace for guy's like me, come but one way and one way only...
@@diebebaardeverdamper9562 that's the cycle of thought . It deceives you. When you are ready you will know ...✌👍
This song hits me hard. I was a degenerate, I was off my face 24/7, I would lie and steal from my friends and my family. Chemicals and powder were my demons and I’m clean 4 years! When I listen to this song it makes me proud of how far I’ve come as it makes me remember the person I use to be
Great job 👍 keep it up fam. We're proud of you too
you weren't anything but desperate ,you don't need to be down on yourself,this disease is brutal and you are not this disease ,clean your nothing like the disease
I'm going through it right now and I just curious how do I forgive myself for the shit things I do/done like I knows it's not me when I get sober I hate myself
39 days clean and sober today. I just buried a good friend this week who lost his life to this disease… he’s who put me on to your music in the first place. Now I’m listening to you everyday and it’s truly helping me stay sober. Thank you Ben. Your a beacon of hope to people like me.
I'm living low down and I am using again
I'm hating my name cause I am cursed like my kin
And if I should see you before I am condemned
I hope you're deceived by the webs that I spin
I wish I was who I appear
'Cause I despise the man in the mirror
Lost deep inside of my dirty old soul
Some starry-eyed boy never taught self control
The cost of my living was more than I planned
So I held a needle like a gun in my hand
And I wish I was who I appear
Cause I despise the man in the mirror
The memories I've got torture my head
And I don't know God but I heard he was dead
And if I am wrong in judgement I stand
I will not repent cause I don't give a damn
You can send me to Hell with the rest of my friends
And I wish I was who I appear
Cause I despise the man in the mirror
I'm living low down and I am using again
-Benjamin Tod-
I like how he sings to God and constant looks up
Oh man is this the truth
@@elizabethdowling8578 like a fallen angel
Thank you
I'm been off speed and opiates for 5 months, coke for 4 mo, and finally things are coming together. It's been 4 days since I smoked bud, and out of the blue, I got offered a job today with training and a company truck doing elevator repairs, making greater than median income.
I know the time I've been clean is not very long, but I did this without the intention of being sober...I just woke up one day and didnt like where I was at or the time I had wasted.
I grew up around NA/AA 12 step programs so I am very very familiar with addiction and the struggles. I was not ignorant about getting high, and I'm not going to be ignorant about sobriety either.
Keep on pushing people, it's up to us on how we want to deal with life. It's also up to us to accept the consequences of the life we've lived. The responsibility is ours to own.
I start work tomorrow. $1k sign on bonus, company vehicle first day, full benefits, $20 and hour and a $2 raise every 90days until you complete your elevator technicians journeymans license at 4yrs...capped off as a tech at $50 an hour...the company gives you a severance option to leave and start your own business or stay with then and get moved from a technician to an executive/management posistion.
Guys, I'm super stoked stoked. We just gotta keep pushing. I worked in the oilfield, was an Army medic for 8 yrs and got wounded so I had to leave the service, I worked as a licensed hvac tech and mechanic....just keep pushing and you'll make it.
Do what's right and what's right will happen to you!
Jobs going great! I love what I do and a company vehicle with a fuel card is nice as well. Ready to bring home 2018 and kickoff 2019 and keep climbing.
You mentioned not having much time under your belt. I feel in recovery it is not quantity, but quality of days clean that matters. Congrats
Still doing good. Got a $2 raise my first 3 weeks on the job. They've decided to keep me in my own service van riding solo, and I'm up for a large $5 raise in a few weeks. Things are going great GB or the most part still. Spending as much time with my daughters and being able to afford them the gifts, clothes, and good food they deserve has been an awesome feeling as well.
@@just_another_gearhead dude! Thats awesome!!
Still sober and checking in. Much love to all the users and sober users. Blessed stay the alive and the babies that never had a chance.
Usually I empathize with this song. Reminded me of earlier, worse times. Today, unfortunately, I don't empathize with it but identify with it. Been a long many years and I'm not sure where I went wrong. But it's ok. They're placing bets all over town on how I'll die, but I will rise. CTing it right now, shivering, cold, covered in sweat, I smell terrible, my cat's the only thing that likes me, and the only thing I want to do is pick up my guitar but my bones ache too much, so I here I sit listening to every song by Benjamin Tod
Moving nearly 3 years sober and it hits just as hard as if I'd been using yesterday.
Amen I heard this for the first time today.im a year and a half sober and the memories part hit really hard
I’m 48, let my 24 year old son listen to this. I look over at him and he has tears in his eyes. How can just A guitar and a voice bring two grown men to tears. Your songs touch both our hearts. I will rise and this song are our favorites. Thanks for sharing..
It just does ❤
Same ... Very much the same. Thank you for sharing that.
Hope he’s not using.
It's pure poetry.
Same age as your son was 2 years ago and I'm battling addiction and have done for 6 years. We will all get through it.
Never thought I would be a junkie but here I am trying not to cry
My friend you will always be an addict. I know I have shared your pain weakness. You and only you can beat this problem. You can find Christ ,or what ever you religion is. You have to want to and you can do it .
"I didn't take the pills, the pills took me" -Johnny Cash
You’re not a junkie. You will get through this. We will get through this. Love you brother
Watched it happen in my own home. If you want it, you can achieve it. It only comes down to the point of: are you willing to stop? I know plenty of others in the same situation. Ossipee NH was the 1st focal point on the "opioid epidemic" (brought on by doctors that had no issue with doling out addictive narcotics to anyone and everyone so the doctor did not have to truly find out what is going on with one's health).
Addiction knows no boundaries.
I never thought I would have a problem, nor did I ever think I would escape it.
It's a challenge, but possible.
I just made it a year sober from the needle and a spoon a few days ago. My deepest sympathies and prayers for any and all those battling the sickness. You're all worthy of living a life worth living, don't give up.
If you're reading this comment, you're here, you matter and you're worth it. The world wouldn't be the same without you. You are loved and cherished. ❤❤❤
The world would be a better place if I never existed
The fact that this song is only 2:44 is torture...
So much emotion in such a short song
Dana Hubanks the best lessons don't take much time. Wish I could put this bottle down...
@@billygoatupnorth I'm young, mid 20-s. But i had been drinking since I was 14, and I got bad. At about 22. Id drink a fifth of soco or evan williams every day and at least a 30 pack throughout the day along with it. I used to be able to handle my alcohol really well. I could drink beer all day long and pace myself and not ever get drunk. But I just kept on drinking more and more. Finally I got to where I wanted to be really drunk and not feel any pain at all so I started drinking even more, going out and partying a lot and getting blacked out drunk. I got beligerant, I got suicidal. Over time, I started to become mean and hateful even when I wasnt drinking alcohol. I knew I had to change something but I wasnt strong enough to do it on my own. A few of my friends eventually brought it to my attention also, and I could tell they didnt want to have to say anything cuz they didnt know what I'd say or do, so I knew it really had to be a big deal for them go say something. I mean i was I was an alcoholic and usually drunk, so I can understand why they didnt want to say anything for a while, but I thank God they did. I was headed down a very dark road. I contemplated suicide every single day. I'd sit in my chair sometimes for hours with my pistol in my lap, wondering how in the world I could live without the alcohol to cover up my pain. I didnt think I would be able to live with the pain every day without the help of the alcohol, but I was absolutely wrong. In my case, when I stopped drinking alcohol, it forced me to learn how to cope with my problems and how to take a healthy approach toward fixing them. It was either that or spiral out of control downhill and turn right back toward alcohol and other crutches and I knew I couldn't do that again. I learned that it's much better for you and you're mindset to take your problems for what they are and accept that and try to find a healthy solution instead trying to cover them up. I couldn't just keep covering up the pain any more. I had to change something. And honestly, the longer you suppress those feelings and emotions you've been running from, the more you'll have to face when you do stop. I know it's scary, but bottom line is I thought 100% that I was not going to be able to ever live on this earth without consuming alcohol. I found out that I'm actually much better and mentally stronger because I did quit. At first it's hard cuz its new to you, but it does get easier I promise.
Sorry about rambling, just felt the need to share that with you. I wish you the best friend. 👋
It needs another verse
Dana Hubanks this brought a tear to my eye
I've won my fight, but my brother hasn't. Keep swinging, Harrison! I love you
I found this song on my buddy's Facebook page. Not only did he struggle with addiction but he struggled with the very idea that he was in fact an addict. He hated it with everything in him. Never expected him to end it all though. I swear to God he really was funny, extremely loyal, generous, charming, with model good looks, while simultaneously being extremely sad and lonely. This song makes me think of him now, and pray to whomever may be listening, that Colby has finally found peace. Miss you, bro
I believe what you say about your friend. It happens to the best of us.
This comment section make me cry and gives me hope. 94 days sober today
Stay strong💪
You got this.
Meetings and Higher Power. Lost my faith and relapsed. Sober 1 month. Find a meeting
This song has made me do more self reflection than I ever thought possible. When the words are capable of hitting a total stranger so deep, that he stops what hes doing and plays it over and over on repeat while thinking about his own life and his own choices, you know youre a talented singer/songwriter.
I just got out of rehab. a buddy showed me this dude while I was in there. I can't get enough of it
You can see his eyes the second time he says "because I despise the man in the mirror" as he holds back the flood, and man I feel that exact look.
I know that look.
I've had those eyes many times.
And you are loved, we do have purpose here even if we cant figure it out this time around.
Love is out there for all of us who have that look.
My boyfriend was found overdosed Thursday in our room he used to love this song and listened to it when he was sad I miss him so much I want to be with him again and hope to god he’s ok where he is now
Sorry for your loss
I'm sorry for your loss it is a very tough road the one you will walk down from here. My husband passed away July 21st 2018 to a fentanyl overdose a he thought he was getting heroin he was given street fentanyl he never had a chance. He had just gotten out of prison was clean for 2 years I was able to overcome my demons my husband sadly never was. God-bless you I pray you find the peace you need to make it through the days
@@cynicalbeauty1980 I'm so sorry for your loss, I know you much miss him so much & I wish the same healing for you. It is a very lonely road..and sad so many others go down it. I wish somehow we can bring them back. But I do believe you will be together again!
@@karrencita1371 ♥️🙏🏻♥️
bless you
Currently laying in hospital nearly died about to be transferred to rehab. I wanted to die. I thought I was meant to die. This song is helping me. No matter how anyone feels, you're worth staying alive ❤
I thought it'd be useful to give an update to this comment 1 year ago. I just put this song on again to remind myself of how bad things were and how grateful I am today. At the time I posted that I thought things couldn't get any worse, id lost everything, or so it seemed. I continued to fall even deeper into addiction up until August 8th when things had gotten to an even worse breaking point with police involved, flipped my car upside down at 4am and got arrested, had my flat taken over by dealers, the list could go on. August 8th I entered rehab and I've been clean and sober since and slowly day by day im claiming my life back and letting go of the past. Its still haunting and painful to listen to this song, at the time every word resonated deep to my core and I was stuck in victim mentality and believed I was destined to die and the world didn't accept me. I feel its important to revisit the past, not to regret it but to learn from it and the desperation I was in and how important that was for me to hit rock bottom so I could be reborn spiritualy and change my whole perspective on my place in the world. To anyone struggling with addiction, there is a way out and a beautiful life waiting for you if you work at it, the hardest times of my life and I won't say it was in any way easy and I don't have the individual answers for anyone, all I can say is if you're able to get any help you can be open to it.. I had to be stripped of my ego and humbled by drugs to the point of absolute despair and for every thing around me to crumble, I wish this upon no one but if you are at a similar point know this, it can be the most important thing that ever happens to you and a blessing, its hard to see that when you're there but trust me there is light at the end of the tunnel ❤
@@23nothinkingI pray you're doing well today, friend. I know the winter can be tough for us folks whose brains have been rewired.
@@timharper4246 your comment popped up at a strange time.. I am doing really well thankyou brother.. it has been a struggle lately, the pink cloud its been called.. I visited my father in the care home where he is now, since last seeing him the dimentia has accelerated and he doesn't know who anyone is and he's almost totally non verbal.. chronic kidney failure at its end stages, so seizures occurring now.. it almost completely broke me ... sitting with these emotions that are just part of life, is not a walk in the park. When I'm so used to opting to numb myself any time things get real hard, for so long in my life, this stuff is really challenging. I have so much support now that I opened up to accepting that support, and im eternaly grateful 🙏
Benjamin Tod stands out as a beacon of genuine, raw talent in a world where such authenticity is increasingly scarce. His melodies have been a steadfast companion during my darkest moments, providing solace and understanding. The way his tunes resonate with my innermost emotions is a testament to his incredible gift. My admiration for him is profound, rooted in the sincere connection his music has fostered in my life.
My brother passed away and this song is him to a tee. One of the last songs he left in my history on CZcams and wish I heard it earlier, he was my bestfriend
Near Beer ♥️♥️♥️
He is still with you, in your soul
This guy is probably one of the best songwriters i've heard
finalgirl11 check out Tyler Childers
Check out Townes van zandt
Adam Price goat
I wanted to come back to this comment section because 1 year ago today I took my first step into recovery from alcohol and cocaine/meth addiction. This song is a reminder of who I used to be, the lies I used to tell, the mistakes I made and the lack of care that went with that. Thank you Benjamin, for putting a song out here for us addicts to relate to and to remind us what using does to us
As someone else said I if you are hearing this song in a bad place don't worry, be happy. I don't know you but I love you. You are me and I am you and we are love . Be strong mang
LYRICS
I’m living low down
And I’m using again
I’m hating my name
‘Cos I’m cursed like my kin
And if I should see you
Before I’m condemned
I hope you’re deceived
By the webs that I spin
I wish I was who I appear
‘Cos I despise the man in the mirror
Lost deep inside
Of my dirty old soul
Some starry eyed boy
Never taught self control
The cost of my living
Was more than I plan
So I held a needle
Like a gun in my hand
I wish I was who I appear
‘Cos I despise the man in the mirror
The memories I’ve got
Torture my head
And I don’t know God
But I heard he was dead
But if I am wrong
In judgment I stand
I will not repent
‘Cos I don’t give a damn
You can send me to hell
With the rest of my friends
I wish I was who I appear
‘Cos I despise the man in the mirror
I’m living low down
And I’m using again
Shady Side Projects thank you for this
Shady Side Projects thank u
Thank you
All true time to stop the pain
I love everyone who stumbled upon this
I'm at 7 months and nothing makes me happier then being clean and sober. Today I am my best Cole.
Gets better every day. Hard to remember that tho
I look at everything I've gained in the past 7 years since finding sobriety, 3 beautiful children, a loving wife a great, job, but still when I look in the mirror I can feel this song to my core.
No one has done Benjamin more justice than GemsOnVHS. Blessed be.
I cried my eyes out when i heard this. I was bad on drugs and have been clean for 4 years but its a battle every day
Austin Parker great job. We need more people like us who will talk this over. And to show people we do recover.
Have a good time in life i hope u make it my dude
Never give up on it
Don't give up my friend. Sobriety at all costs....
My wonderful girlfriend and I struggle and she showed me this band . I LovE her . I was recently sober for 3 yrs from 30 yrs of needle and drug use . I needed this song . BUT I GOT A FEELING THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.
The shear amount of views and supportive comments on this video bring me to tears. I found Ben speaking to my soul in early 2021, shortly after my own quit. I have watched the views and comments grow and grow ever since - y'all keep pushing, keep moving, and know every day is another step in the right direction. If you stumble back a step, it's cool🤙the homies got y'all's back and we'll keep pushing
I've been clean for 10 years. I started using when I was 16 and I lived with addiction for 8 years. I've felt what it's like to be rock bottom. I turned my back on my family who tried to help, I robbed people and places to get money to feed it. I've seen 3 people die because of the habit.. then one day a friend of my moms offered to help me. And I let her. She saved my life. I'm now 34, married with a 2 year old. And I work with people suffering from addiction. It's hard. But I promise you, it can be beaten
I was just 16 now im 30 my friends have died my familys broken and im still using. I want to die.
@@Albert_cough-man that's how it seems just yesterday was in high school now almost 30 seen close friends die but yet I still doing this never ending cycle. Just wanted to let u know I feel the same wft happened to this life of mine. 27 year old boy from Minnesota hating myself and using again
Great story, I never heroin addicts, lots of them a very good people that have slipped threw. God bless you
Stephen Williams - I’m a musician and was just showing this song to a friend, telling her that sometimes simple music can be really difficult to write because people focus more on the delivery and what’s being sang. BT performs with feeling and because of that, his audience is drawn in.
I live in a major city where heroin use is everywhere. I have lost way too many people to it. I’m going to a funeral on Sunday for a girl I was close with in high school. She was an awesome person, very friendly and down to earth, and very easy to talk to. She could make friends with a random person after talking with them for 10mins. I really knew her over 15 years ago, but we still caught up occasionally. She battled addiction and relapsed in June and she passed away a few days ago, almost 2 years to the day her husband OD’d. They’ve left 2 young boys behind and I can’t stop thinking about them.
I know we don’t know each other, but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. My friend lost her battle, but it’s comforting knowing that someone, albeit a stranger on the internet, beat their demons. I hope you’re continuing to do well. Thanks again.
I'm not crying, you're crying.
Im actually crying , listening on repeat, singing, repeat crying
Skadoodle xd?
I'm definitely crying
@@hannahmonk5788 same lol
No I'm not I'm not crying hold on let me wipe the water off of my phone so I can text like I was saying I'm not crying.
2 years clean listened to this a lot in the midst of crack addiction. Have a wife, and beautiful daughter now. I’m here to tell you music can save lives. God bless anyone else going through what I went through.
Used to listen to this every time I'd relapse and feel sorry for myself. Almost a year sober now. It gets better man, I promise.
I'm not one to cry listening to music. Especially stone-cold sober. I'm also not ashamed of it in this instance, because damn. Too relatable sir. I love it.
The cost of my living was more than I planned
My baby was still born last September. 3 weeks before her due date. I was hoping that they made a mistake but when she came into this world there was a silence ill never forget. I took two weeks off work. I relapsed. The only day I wasn’t high was when we buried her. Ive been off and on getting high. I was sober for 3 years before and i would’ve never had thought to pick the stuff back up. Thankfully I have a 3 year old that stopped me from falling of the deep end. Im not how I used to be. But whenever i need to get the sweet relief I play this song so I can keep my mind right. Love you all
I truly think this is one of the greatest songs ever written. I love coming back and listening to this one over and over again. So honest and so deep
Sept 5th I will be 4 years sober and good lord this song gave me goosebumps
God I miss you so much Justin.
I struggle also with addiction to pills and alcohol now almost one year sober by the grace of God. Nothing else worked tryed to do it on my own many time until Jesus Christ came into my life and took it from me. There is hope for everyone the most broke he can save. It was by he grace I’m clean I will live my life for Christ now.
2 weeks (14 days) clean of Meth & Alcohol today, currently writing this in rehab.. projected discharge date is March 22nd, im so happy i found this song because its like its me 100%
Congratulations! I hope you stick with it-and remember “it’s always today”. Sobriety starts one day at a time
The way Benjamin looks up at 1:29 says so much. This man sings from the heart
yep
I seen this to and thought of my nephew Greg who battles this demon too.I felt this man's words been using sice 93
Is this the arron I know that lived in bama?
Some voices have the ability to pierce the soul. Here’s one of those.
This is proof that all it takes to be famous is true passion and a good song and something that means something to you as an artist.. B.T. is part of a musical revolution dude
2 days clean after a relapse and 4 years clean prior. Need this. Thank you.
You can do this
"Don't be bound by the charm of your grief" - BT
I’ll be dammed, this guy sings songs straight from my life .
This mans on his way to earning loyal cult following.
Johnny Muskrat agreed, I'm looking for more artists like him, any suggestions?
tyler childers
colter wall
I know those guys already, darn it, I'm trying to find artists the same as those three, but they are the only ones that keep popping up. thanks for your reply though. I love bens new solo sound, it's so much deeper. amazing
try seth anderson i like the song 24
this guy hits deep, even if he’s in a dark place, it helps me to hear his truth, I’m not an addict, but I’m in psychiatric hospital, and I know the pain well
Women don’t realize that a man’s feelings are soul deep, and we’re our biggest critics.