Is Having Grandparents to Help a Privilege?
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- čas přidán 2. 03. 2024
- Is having grandparents willing, able, and reliable enough to support you a privilege? Should it be? Or should it be reasonable that we expect our parents not to stop parenting just because they can't claim us on their taxes anymore? I came across a Thread that seemed fine but somehow threw me into some sort of existential crisis over what the future of parenting looks like for me, for my kids, for my generation, and for those of us who don't enjoy the benefit of a robust multi-generational network of support.
Read the article on my website:
www.mommacusses.com/blog-1
And be sure to order my book! Depending on when you watch this it might already be on the shelves.
static.macmillan.com/static/s... - Komedie
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As a grandparent, to have access to that part of my heart that lived with my daughters, I followed ALL their rules.
As they grew up , i could keep them for weeks. I followed the rules my children needed to raise their children.
It was important enough to me , i gave no advice unless asked. Even if it didnt seem that important to me. It was to their parents rules.
My grandchilden are grown. They still come to see me on their own.
Nobody should be shamed for using every resource available to raise their children to be decent adult humans.
There is another layer of privilege here - I've not had children (yet) but I'm solidly in the age (mid-30s) where I could well have done by now. Both my parents are still in full-time employment, and as much as the trust, reliability and *willing* to help is there... they can't afford to retire yet, and that severely limits how much time, energy and support they can offer me - we are in the same position, except I'm the one with more energy in the evenings and at weekends. There is a financial privilege these days in being able to retire, and as a millennial, I can't see myself being in a position to do any differently if/when I have grandkids.
Depends on the relationship. My parents and my MIL are great with my kids and are always there to help out if we need. They are also completely supportive of any boundaries we have. But not everyone is so lucky. So in my case, we definitely see it as a privilege.
This hits home in many ways.
I live in rural Belgium, where there is a singular lack of understanding for the fact that grandparents or other family members aren’t always available to pick up where/when organised childcare might not be available.
My ex’s father was thoroughly unreliable and would demand we pay for his heating needs to be met for an entire winter in exchange of one evening’s worth of babysitting. My ex’s mother passed away when our daughter was barely three years old. My parents were literally thousands of miles and six to seven time zones away during six months each year.
Cue this type of conversation:
“Can’t you ask your parents?”
“Unfortunately not.”
“Why?”
“They’re an 18-hour flight away and scheduled to return in X months.”
“Oh. The other grandmother?”
“She’s passed away.”
“I’m so sorry. But that leaves another grandfather. Can’t he watch her?”
“Only if he’s sober, willing to quit smoking his sigars in the same room, which he won’t, and if I pay for his fuel tank to be filled, which I can’t afford to.”
“Surely he can go outside for a smoke and filling up his car isn’t that expensive.”
“The fuel tank to his house. That’s 2000 litres of fuel. And no, he won’t go outside to smoke. Whether he’ll be sober is also doubtful. I don’t want child protective services at my door and I can’t afford the fuel bill.”
A few years later the story became:
“The father is in a care facility, my parents are a 16-18 hour flight away and the two other grandparents are dead. So yes, I either need your services or I need to take time off. And no, my sister can.t either because she lives in another country.”
My daughter is almost 20 years old now. If/when she becomes a mom, I’ll be there for her within reasonable limits of expectation. For help, for advice, for a shoulder to cry on, for a ranting session, for babysitting within reason. And yes, that ‘babysitting within reason’ can be frequent. For pick-ups and drop-offs when she can’t. Because I know how it feels when you’re all alone and trying to put food on the table, a roof over heads, and no support except far away. I’ve also already taught her to build extra support networks because they’re necessary.
This privilege goes both ways. It took me a while to realize my biological mother was not a good parent. I was considering withholding the title of "Grandma" from her after I became a parent. I do not want to give her the opportunity to hurt my children. She is not allowed to be alone with my children, ever. Not allowed to drive me or my children. Not allowed to change or bathe them. It took me 2 months to be ok enough for her to even hold my baby. I have told her I don't want her to digitally share pictures of my children without clearing it with me first. This is where we're at. There is the possibility of no contract, but I'm not there yet.
Exactly. Like does it suck to have to consider cutting your own parents off? Yep. Would it be right to let another child go through that garbage? Definitely not. Unfortunately if my partner and I are able to adopt, there will be no grandparents involved. There will only be my sister and she lives 7 hours away.
Build your Village with Strong Women and Empathetic Men. You will find those whom your child(ren) can /will be able to call Grandma and Grampa, Aunt Uncle.
Blood does Not family make.
Family is what You make of it.
Am sending out all the Positive Energy I can to you and your partner to be Blessed with the child(ren) that were born to be adopted by you!
My Sons were born to be adopted by me, I Firmly Believe that.
Stay ☯️ Blessed
Stay ☮️ Strong
Stay 🕉 Safe
I think the privilege lies in having parents **you can trust** to watch your kids. Not just in having parents who would or could, but specifically parents *who are in reasonably close proximity to offer childcare* that you can trust to take good care of your child.
Some people have parents who maybe can't be trusted easily to be good grandparents, like your mom. Some people have parents who are wonderful grandparents, but live too far away to offer support or are physically disabled and unable to offer care, like me. I think there's a lot of ways that not having that privilege looks like.
Protect those babies!! ❤
💯 my mother and I have mended many aspects of our relationship, but I don't trust her with my children, I'm deeply uncomfortable, to say the least, and it is a tough situation. My in laws are great with my kiddos and supportive of us a parents from my perspective but even with my partner and his relationship with his parents there are times he shares being triggered by his wounds within their relationship and a lack of relationship with both sets of his grandparents.
My mother-in-law would jump at any opportunity to babysit her grandchildren, unfortunately on account of cancer she is no longer available, and the two grandparents who remain are essentially unavailable for other (quite reasonable) reasons. So we're out here on our own, and yeah, that support is sorely missed.
I feel like having help from grandparents becomes a privilege when it's taken for granted or taken advantage of.
Yes. Expectation of support is reasonable as long as you recognise parents have their own lives. Sometimes they're not going to babysit because they have got their own plans.
It's a privilege regardless. Not many people have grandparent or other family support when raising their kids.
Well said, Boomer Grammy here. And, I consider it my privilege to be present for my adult children as they navigate parenthood.
My mom would have my Nonna (Italian) grandmother to come and help babysit my sister and I when we were little. It was magical. She had our favorite ice creams, favourite foods and pastas. It’s memories like that make me grateful I knew her.
My Czech grandmother came to visit when I was born to help my mom and dad take care of me. I was the first child and my parents didn’t really know what they were doing. 😆
No first time Parent knows what the BLEEP were doing!
I've decided to look at it as all a part of the Mystical Magic known as PARENTHOOD 😜😂🤣😂
My MIL stated, "I'd rather dig ditches than babysit." My parents lived in another state. It wasn't easy on us, but we now get to be grandparents to 11 grands and are there for them. We are so fortunate to live in the same town as our 3 children and their families.
This made me cry towards the end, i want to be there for my children. My parents havent always agreed with my decisions but they were there at the end of the tunnel with every supply i needed. If i asked for help with my children theyd provide it. I love them and i know im lucky, and pray for those who arent so lucky
Oh gweena I'm a 57 year old mother of 7, grand mother of 26 great grand mother of 1. Sitting here at 7 am in the morning crying at your beautifully expressed real life explanation of how I chose to be a mother as my kids passed the age of being a tax deduction. Thank you for the words. And my children do expect me to be a grandparent ( it their culture) but here is the return, so do I xxx love your work. Thanks for doing it.
I just discovered this gem! Sheesh, she’s got a way with the words!!
Most people I know that have support system are completely oblivious to what it's like to not have it. Zero understanding.
Like my sister in law telling me it would be good if my husband were to divorce me (over buying vehicle from a dealer-ended up not…). She lives at home with her mom, brother, sister in law and father with her two kids. Everyone watches her kids. I have no one and she knows it.
@reflectionsinthebible3579
Oh honey, I am SO sorry you got stuck with a complete
*STITCH* for an in-law!
⬆️ substitute B IF you like😏✌️
I wanna scream it from the rooftops! I do not have that support, but I am becoming it every day for my 3 babes.
I do long for it, and see friends with it and my heart rejoices for them and pangs for my children. But I always want my friends to know about the rejoicing for their support and to never feel guilty being part of a supportive family. Thank you for saying so much in such a short snippet of time. XOXO
I’m conflicted with this one as well. I suppose if seeing our situations as privilege fosters gratefulness, then it’s a win. ❤
I lost my mother at 18 to brain cancer. I had my first child at 24 I left my abusive marriage when my daughter was nine month old. I didn’t have a mother who could help me with my daughter I did, however, have a wonderful stepfather and an amazing grandmother who gave me so much support an love. Their help allowed me to go back to school and build a better life for my daughter.
Having lost my mother I understand that even having a parent is a privilege. I’m also grateful that I came from a family were my granny lived with us growing up. I’m incredibly grateful that my stepdad now lives with me and my 2nd husband and my 2 kids. I look forward to the day in the future when my kids become parents and I’m able to offer them support.
I wish every parent was able to have access to the help and support they need to be amazing parents and raise happy kids.
Love this! I am very fortunate that we were able to buy a house right next to my parents and my nana and they are a wonderful support in anything. They love spending time with their grandkids and they absolutely help us with watching them and I love being able to help them-whether it be groceries or yard work, whatever they need. We all work together supporting each other to make all our lives easier.
Can't wait for your book!!! And yes, the word is over used and weaponized. I struggle when basic needs are considered privileges, and maybe that's cuz I've recently realized I've spent my whole life either plain without, or striving to obtain at least one, and often many of those basic needs. Community and a village are still how we are wired to function and especially in the throes of raising womb fruit. Thank you for your content helping us normalize what should always have been
It’s definitely a help because it’s a whole other layer of support.I speak from the position that I had lots of help from grandparents and even great grandparents. All of whom respected boundaries, provided child care and just were fun. My grandparents were young grandparents so by the time I had my children they were still here. My oldest son was super close to my grandpa who just passed away a few years ago. He was 83 and my oldest son was 22.
I was recently told by my mother I was spoiled and entitled because she had offered to watch my children on 3 separate occasions and completely ignored her offer and went on about her day with ever making mention of it (which I could have understood if things came up but she would rather be in bed all day binging on tv). So by the third time I made mention of how annoying and frustrating it was to not be able to count on her. She reversed it and said I was spoiled and entitled and she didn’t HAVE to watch them. I hardly ever ask (mind you she lives with me in my home) and when asked it’s for emergencies almost never for luxuries. Thank you for making me feel validated.
I don't know what I would've done without my parents when I became a single mother. They were a lifeline that kept me afloat for so long. Now that they are gone, and my son is an adult, I wished that I could thank them just one more time
This reminds me of the time my therapist asked me why I kept expecting my mom to love me even though I'd just told him I knew she didn't mean it when she said it. I told him I felt like I deserved my mother's love, and if I don't keep waiting for it I might never get it. He said I might still never might get their respect no longer how long I wait for it.
Exactly! It's not a privilege, it's a right. And not having grandparents like that is on those grandparents for failing their grandchildren.
Grandparents to help is a blessing.
I’m so grateful for my parents and their active role in my son’s life.
I know that we are super blessed that and lucky that i have parents and inlaws who are amazing with helping with the kids. They provide a lot of childcare and we are so lucky. We know that.
My partner didnt have grandparents growing up. They had died. I have mine and still do. When i was a kid i had no idea how lucky i was. The older i get the more i recognize how special it was.
I will definitely be available for my kids if they need me for babysitting. God willing.
It depends. My grandparents were a wonderful resource for my sister and me. And for my folks. But, my folks were 650 miles away when I had a child. And my grandchildren are 3000 miles away.
We have support on one side and that is my Mama and her best friend my Auntie. We moved to live near them and have never regretted it. My Mama is amazing and would never dream of over stepping boundaries. I know they're safe with those 2 adults in the absence of the parents. But I fully recognize that I'm lucky that I do have a couple of people who will help in any way they can. I have never and will never take that for granted.
God this hits me in a place. We are very blessed to have a lot of support with my parents working tirelessly to help us in a move, my spouses parents being nearby to babysit and so much more!
I would say yes, there's many reasons why a grandparent isn't in the picture, bad relationship, not alive, lives way too far away, differences of parenting style where you don't trust them with your kid even though you actually get along just you, your parents are too eldery and need to be looked after themselves. I was lucky to grow up about a mile from my mom's parents and my mom had a good relationship with them, and they liked having me over, and it helped my mom out a lot not being the only one that can respond when I needed something or if there was an emergency (my parents are still married, my dad was just an "absent father" workaholic when I was growing up so not reliable concerning his own kids). If I ever had kids (I'm 43 now so I doubt it'll happen), it'll mainly just be me and my partner, his parents live just a bit too far away, and have a completely different parenting style from me, it's a cultural thing, and my parents live in a different country (I'm the one that immigrated) and are elderly. So yeah, I'd say it would be a privilege
Thank you for pointing out how the word privledge has been weponized b/c that's how I took that post. As if OP was trying to shame and discourage ppl from using the resources available to them.
I was disowned by my family and community when I left the cult in which I was raised. I had my child with the help of an anonymous donor from a sperm bank. I did it all on my own and often get sad that my kid didn't have grandparents or cousins or aunts and uncles. It made life unnecessarily challenging but not impossible. I'm grateful to the few friends who chose to step in as family. While it would have been amazing to have supportive family, having family we chose meant having family who was happy to be there for us.
I was/am so fortunate to have my parents care for my kids when they were little so we didn’t have to pay for childcare. There are challenges to navigate with that dynamic but it is such a great support and we are so grateful for that. My extended family (aunts and uncles) help also with kid pick ups and participating in fun.
Your second statement about challenges is so true. I know there are situations where it is not possible, but acceptance of differences can make a village. Stay away from absolutes.
This is a beautiful video. My mom and dad have given their kids so much love and support, and taught me so many lessons in boundaries, and it's beautiful. It's unfortunate that this is a privilege right now, I hope some day this changes, and the typical family unit becomes healthier over time.
Privilege is when something is granted to a particular person/people. I don’t think people who have involved parents are put into a box in a singular type of group of people. I feel like people throw the word privilege around too willy nilly. Having involved parents is not a privilege. I would say it’s a blessing. It’s an advantage for sure. But privilege is a stretch in my opinion. I am open to constructive debates.❤
Thank you for embodying unconditional love. That is definitely going to keep the relationship between you and your children strong.❤
My dad was raised by his granny for some time, and I wouldn’t have survived childhood without his mom, my grandma, having a big part in my life. I’m GenX and I waited to 35 to have kids. My dad would have made a fine and very willing grandpa if he had lived, but we had nobody else. I thought wrongly because my husband had his parents and five sisters, that we had a village, but we didn’t. Everyone was always too busy and far too judgmental of my kids being neurodivergent. To the extreme opposite, my children and I had to live in fear at times that my maternal unit would show up banging on the door and threatening me and making me cry in front of my children. Even beating me at times. Yeah, my kids had a grandma alright, but she was our shared trauma. I never left her alone with my kids ever!
She died when my oldest was 10. Life is more peaceful in isolation.
I do wish they’d had a village though. A safe one, with safe people.
I don’t care what I have to do or who I have to remove out of my life when my kids have kids. I’m always going to be the safe place for them.
It's luck. I never had the relationship my children have with their grandparents that had my own ones (for many reasons). My parents are there for me as much as my children and support is there and the closeness has strengthened.
1000% I plan to break the cycle and be there for my children however much I can be!
My parents "role" ended when I was 17 years old.
They sent me to private school (where they worked and got free tuition as a job benefit) I was different, kids were mean, I was 90 pounds and loved sleeping more than being awake and a doctor threatened to call CPS if they didn't take steps to address the depression I was suffering through. I eventually got to go to a regular school and my credits were messed up. They wanted me to complete a bunch of freshman level classes, that aren't offered by private school, in order to graduate. At that point, it was a better idea to just get my GED and start college. They hated that and I got thrown out of the house over it. Ever since I was 17 years old I had to figure out the whole world on my own. Wouldn't ever think of asking them for help because they didn't want to help me and I wanted to prove that I didn't need them. I've done everything in life on my own. Being a parent is just another one of those things
I love this so much. I have an almost 18 year ol son, and a 6 year old daughter. I will be their mom until the day I die. If I "have" to care for them, I WILL!
The only reason for me to have kids was so my mom could experience being a grandma. She was such a loving person. I’m glad my stepsiblings had kids that she could spoil and grow close to before she passed in 2020.
Give me all the books and videos please. Your words and humor have helped me in so many ways. I got your book the other day. Only 1.5 in, but can I just say thank you woman.
My mom died when my boys were 8 months old, and couldn't go to bring them to see her as they were medically fragile. This one is what knows at my soul.
My dad lives 14 hours away, and he has odd beliefs.
Husband's mom lives across the country.
So we have no family support. 😕
My grandmother helped take care of me, my mother helped take care of her younger siblings and of my children when they were little. I helped take care of my grandmother, mother aunts and uncles and other extended family when they weren't well and I had the ability to help. It shouldn't be that grandparents helping is a privilege, even though that has become a fact. It would be a true privilege moving towards an honor when all family members can find a healthy and productive way to help each other whenever it fits within their physical and mental abilities.
I'm lucky that my parents are still alive. Many of my classmates have not been so lucky. My concern is that once I do have children, will my parents be nearby as they travel during the winter months? I hope and expect that my MIL will be hands on as needed, since she does live with us.
Growing up, my mom took care of me and my sister, but when she needed anyone to look after us, she called my grandpa first. He was 10min away and would take us as long as he didn't have a doctor to attend to. When she started working and we had days off school, we spent our days with grandpa. When we were sick, grandpa would take care of us. He would sometimes come by just cause or teach us a new skill (kite flying and fishing were my favorites). We also cooked and played board games with him. I loved my time with my grandpa and was so glad to have him around.
My grandma is still around, but I never got a strong relationship with her. She was further away (40min instead) and eventually moved further. But when I was around her, she would always tell my sister and I to go off and play. I have never had a great conversation with her as a child and it hurts me now in my adult life. Yes, I still have time with her, but it is so awkward now because those building blocks were never placed.
When I lived in the upstairs apartment in my mom’s home and started looking for work, she made it known she would not be helping me with them. So, I applied to a day/child care. The woman who interviewed me wanted to hire me and take on my two kids, but because I had kids I didn’t get the job because he co-owner didn’t want more kids in their day care that would be discounts. I have never had help from family with my children. My mom went to visit her friend in Florida a few times and never came to see me and my kids. I love my mom, but I can’t help but think of that when seeing this video. Some things make me think of it like this-from time to time. My mom can’t travel now. She’s afraid of the mountains and she said her eyes cannot take flight pressure anymore.
I have an 8yr old, 4 yr old and just miscarried our third. Yes yes yes a million times yes. I love your content. Your words ring so true❤️
I love your book! I bought it on audible and have listened to it 3 times starting to finish!!!!
Just shared with my 30 year old newlywed son who hopes to procreate soon. I totally agree with what you said about momming until we die and being available to help our kids in whatever ways they may need.
i just need u to know i am in love with you! it is truly unfortunate how rare it is to find logical people like u. to me, nothing u say is controversial, even though people act as though it is. you just make sense and you're not fake. Thank you. I'm not a mom and never will be; I have worked with children and families though for a long time but quit and will never go back to it. to me, it's too hard watching people mess up their kids; plus, it just wasn't a passion, but I still love your content. so many people give parenting advice in todays world that SHOULDN'T. It's good to see someone like you reaching so many parents, you're an amazing role model. go off queen
I just got my momma cusses book in the mail!!! So excited to start reading once my babies go to sleep!
Thank you for this video and thanks for the book
I agree on both absolutely! My parents still take care of me! I’m 40years old almost and married. My daddy is an Orthodox Christian Priest and my momma Matushka.
Beginning watching this with 400 likes.. ❤
By the way yer freaking awesome sauce. And im not talking about like ranch and hot sauce on chicken. I'm talking about a healing balm on a mother's heart and soul. I cant thank you enough for how much you have taught me in a short amount of time. I wish you the best in all you do. ❤
I'm excited to get the book, and to see you this coming weekend at the book signing. I'll be driving 5 hours from Texas and i can't wait!
My children are lucky enough to have three sets of grandparents. My in laws are both in other relationships with great people. There is a great grandma who also used to help out and my sister. The struggle is my MIL lives out of state, great grandma has lost vision and wants to take the kids to church every time she has them and my sister has lost my trust. We visit with MIL 6-8 times a year. Great grandma will be enjoying the passenger seat as soon as my oldest gets his permit. My sister is not watching my kids for the foreseeable future. My children are old enough to to be alone with chores and check ins. Having a village is great benefit if you can find and maintain one.
This made me cry. It was a beautiful exploration of a thought experiment
Making Abbi write the forward…classic! Well done!
Being a Mother and a Grandmother has been my greatest blessing in life. I am now 62, I longed to be a grandmother since I was 5 years old. Grandson is now 9. I was in the delivery room when he took his first breathe. I saw him 3 times a week from birth until he was 4 weeks old and then I got him on Friday after work until Sunday night every week until he was 5 months old. I then quit my management job yo keep him during the week while his parents worked. Being his Grandma has been the greatest honor! My family is my number one priority in my life and has brought me great joy. I have always said that parenting and being there for my children will only cease when I exhale my last breathe.
My child has 4 grandparents. Only 1 of them could actually potentially watch & feed & entertain him properly. The 1 who's an acceptable caregiver lives 10 hrs away & it costs her or us $300 to come together. She's a different parent than I am, but she's quite effective & responsible + gives the most indulgences & memory filled experiences that the other 1s aren't capable of giving/doing. He usually sees her once per year, twice or thrice max. So, instead, she periodically sends gifts, activities, books, puzzles & money, supporting the over all cause of keeping a happy & entertained kid so that I'm not quite as stressed out. & she gets video calls saying thank you & showing the completed little activities or puzzles etc. Lately, I've been trying to include her in some of our shorter family vacations to get them both more face time, but sometimes dates don't work for her or she can't be gone that long etc, so it's hit & miss.
I'm so excited for your book! I already pre-ordered on audible and print...tryin to break cycles over here...its so hard but so worth it 🖤✨️
As someone who doesn't have that privilege, I always wonder if those who do take it for granted. I am completely jealous of people who have parents that can/want to take their grandkids for a weekend. Not even for the break, but for the love. I never knew my grandparents, both sides deceased. FIL has passed, MIL is in a care facility, my mom is unreliable and largely untrustworthy, and my dad isn't in the picture. All grandparents have passed. My saving grace is my sister. She and I have an extremely close relationship, and we frequently ask one another to take our kid to play with theirs for a myriad of reasons. It's not the same as having that grandparent relationship, but at least my kiddo knows that auntie is there and loves him. My mom is a mixed bag, but I can't rely on her and I don't always trust her alone with my dude. She buys him clothes and toys, but it's like she's doing it to say "look at me, I'm great", rather than because she wants to...I'm just glad we can afford daycare. For now.
I always knew my upbringing would make me do things differently, and becoming a grandparent someday (if that's what lil one wants) is no different. I will be there for him and partner in whatever capacity they'll have me. I want to make it clear that I love them and their own lil one. I want them to know they can count on me, lean on me, whatever. I want them to be able to go away for a weekend, or a week, or a summer. Whatever they want/need.
I am also a mama until I die. It's been a hard acceptance, honestly, to know I'm no longer who I was. I am someone's mom. I'm no longer just Shadow. It's a bit of a grieving process to realize I don't belong to me anymore. I belong to my kid. He's 3, but I'm just now coming to acceptance. It's really not that bad. I can still do some of the things I did before he was born, but my time isn't all mine anymore. And unlike my partner, I'm willing to accept that. Because I would rather be his mom. I would rather give him my time than play some videogame to all hours of the night and miss out on who he's becoming. I would rather cuddle with him and read to him and work with him on his speech than go out to dinner on a whim.
I do take exception with regards to the definitions you gave. Both definitions used the term ‘restricted group’. There is no ‘group’ of people denied the benefit of having loving, supportive, and involved grandparents. Meaning that grandparents from every socio-economic background background can provide this. Whether they are able to or choose to do this odd a completely different story. There is not a common thread that runs through the parents who don’t have this benefit and therefore cannot be termed a ‘restricted’ group. I agree with what you said about the word privilege being overused and somewhat demonized. On the other hand, I cannot think of a different adjective to describe my life as a grandparent. I had the joy this week of staying with my grandson M-W of this week and with my granddaughter on Friday. What makes this remarkable is that my grandson lives in Florida, my granddaughter in Indiana, and I live in Illinois. I would use the words blessed, lucky, and privileged to describe my life. And I NEVER take it for granted.
My parents would be incredibly involved and supportive if we lived near them. We are hoping to move in a year or so to make that happen. My husband’s family is closer but they are not as much of a support system.
I wish I had more support! I’m 27 with three kids, 6 and under, and my husband works such long hours as an emergency services worker. I am still very lucky though, after living in our small town for three years now I have made some wonderful friends, who do have this support from their families and greatly appreciate it, they realise that I don’t have this so they offer me help if I need it. I don’t often accept as I don’t want to take advantage but I do know that if I ever get stuck I do have kind people I can turn to. It’s important not to feel alone in parenting!
My parents very much wanted to be there for all the things their grandkids experienced. They wanted the trips to the movies and eating out. But they also continued working well into their 80’s. They enjoyed their jobs. They didn’t need the money. They also loved traveling. My husband’s divorced mom left the state and headed to a condo in Florida. I didn’t have grandparents for my kids that I could call to come babysit real quick. Appointments and visits had to be scheduled weeks in advance, sometimes months.
I was incredibly jealous of friends who had on-call parents to babysit, regular Saturday visits, and who attended every event their grandkids appeared at.
Yet my kids have grown up still believing they had the best grandparents, ever. I guess it’s not the amount of time spent with a child but the quality. Will I be there for my grandkids? Probably not. I did my time raising kids. It was hard, enjoyable most of the time, but energy draining. The older I get the less patient I am, the less energy I have. But I also have FaceTime now! My grandkids will probably have their own phones before they are 2yo. I figure I’ll be able to talk to them anytime I want. It’s just different.
Who TF is cutting onions in here!! 😭😭
i just found your vlog and omg you are soooo funny to looking at when you cook haha love your humor. now you have a new subscriber from sweden
I have had the advantage and privledge of raising my kids next door to my parents. Help in an emergency. Babysitters pretty much whenever we needed them. But always cognizant that they aren’t our Nannie’s and making the arrangements in advance. As the kids got older they would stop and visit nana and pop on their way home from school. Help them around the house. My father passed 5 weeks ago and my mother is selling their house. But the privledge of my mother’s support isn’t ending, it’ll just be a little further away in her retirement community. But what sticks in my craw is that the word “privledge” has been weaponized and denotes someone being unaware of how others live their life. So I see us as lucky, blessed, … but not presaged because I am AWARE that’s I’m in a good situation.
So I raised my little sister and honestly I’m so glad we still have each other because when our mom passed my sister was 6 months pregnant and we knew her kids would not have grandparents outside of our grandma and my dad and step mom we are lucky to have them but it’s still hard knowing that the girls will not know there grandma I stepped up again and I may be just there aunt but I also play grandma in some ways making sure they have what they need and spoil them a little we take trips and when my sister moved it was hard on all of us my nieces were at my house anytime they wanted or she needed to work or clean and it’s been so hard to let go of that and now that both girls are in school this fall it’s harder to get to take them with the distance but id never give our time together and they keep me going I wish our mom was here but I be here for her and love them for both of us
Elder millennial here, and.. man is this a nuanced topic.
While my child was young and they were all still living, My parents were half a continent away and my partners parents were divorced and unstable/unreliable. When his mom(physically closest parent)did agree to babysit (literally once a year for our anniversary) she ended up cancelling last minute on us two years in a row.
Neither of his parents provide attentive care (which improved only nominally once they got remarried to new partners) and I didn't trust them. There was a solid decade where I was "Mom" 24/7 no breaks. I lost myself and it destroyed our marriage.
Having someone I could TRUST to watch my kid just 1-2 days a month could have changed EVERYTHING. (And, yes, I would have trusted my parents to do so but they were only able to visit every couple of years because they were still working and not wealthy)
Finances are a BIG part of this privilege too and I don't think it's possible to disentangle wealth from this conversation.
All of my parents/in-laws are still working 9-5's. They can't take off at the drop of a hat in the same way I can't.. so unless you've got a stay at home grandparent idk who tf is able to provide real meaningful support.
No body I know that's for sure.
Over the years I’ve met a few people who were reared in some capacity by their grandparents. If it wasn’t for mine, I would never have seen my dad. And my mom helped me some with my child.
It's a privlege and should be appreciated NOT SHAMED.
I bought the book and I cant wait to receive. Itll be the first book Ive read in years and I plan to study it like I did love and logic.
My children were all able to enjoy both of their Great Grammas to help with raising them. 😊
We were ALL BLESSED for this Precious Opportunity ❤️
💜☮️💜☯️💜🕉💜
Watching ur videos gives me a sense of safety. Ur funny and i like ur videos. Keep doing whatever ur doing because ur doing it really well. Im sure ur an awesome mom
My parents were great grandparents until they passed away. My in-law rarely saw our kids. Now we are raising our grandson because my daughter is not able to care for him.
I'm not sure if it's a Polish thing or just my region thing, but I grew up with a notion that you're a bad grandparent if you do not help with your grandchildren. Going even further, you're a bad sibling if you do not help with your niblings. Of course, it can swing too far in the other direction and balance is required - no one would approve of party night animal parents who ditch their children with grandparents every other night - but a degree of help was always expected.
Calling it a 'privilege' sounds like calling access to clear water a privilege - yes, some people do not have it but it is a right everyone should enjoy and we should work towards making it so.
Your personality sells your book…. I bought your book.
❤❤❤ Thank you!
*FINALLY* the book is available for preorder in the UK - officially preordered :)
My parents are dead. I have no family living around me. My in laws are split up and only one of them is trusted with my kids but they work and have lives too.
My hubby and I got them to babysit and it was the first time we were alone in two years. It felt so weird to be without my kids.
I don't like to ask for help, and only will if necessary.
I definitely agree it's a privilege.
I cant imagine feeling like my kids stopped needing mom at 18. I wish i had mom in my 20s. Even after cutting them off the want to call my parents when shit hits the fan still strikes me now... at 41. My kids are almost all grown, and they will never have to wonder if they should call me. 24hrs a day until my death. If you need me, im on my way. My door is open, so is my pantry. Never will my child wonder where they will sleep or what they will eat or who will watch the kids. Not so long as i live. Even if my kids was taking advantage to do dumb shit, its better for the grands to be safely with me than left with strangers or worse.
My mom lives 5 minutes away and has never even met my 7 year old and has no interest in meeting him. Ive vowed to never be like her. Ever.
Ordered 1 book for my niece with 2 kids (one teen, one toddler) and another for myself (no kids but I'm a really cool auntie 😎) I might even put down a wager that your book will be an unexpected best seller. 😉
Yes. My sister in law talks about how if my husband leaves me it’ll be good…meanwhile she works and her mom and brother and father and sister in law all help with her children. Meanwhile I have more children than her and don’t live near family and even if I did they couldn’t help me.
As a 64 year old with adult children ranging from 20 to 26 and one adorable grandson I have some thoughts. My husband is 70 and works 50 to 55 hrs. a week. He has a 40 minute commute and does all the shopping and cooks breakfast for me and dinner, because I have a chronic illness that keeps me in bed most of the time. I ask my kids(none of them are in school) to pay rent. Its if far less than if they were renting somewhere else and we pay for their phone service. I also give them the option to work off their rent if they don't have jobs. Two of them have chronic illnesses so I don't ask as much from them. One of them is a champ but the other two feel that we have lots of money. We don't and my husband has to work to cover the bills. The last two do not hold steady jobs but feel that we have a life time obligation to support them. I love having my children around we help them out, lend them money etc. but for two of them a movement to expect parents to to support them would only feed into their belief that they are not responsible for supporting themselves. Does their attitude reflect badly on my parenting skills. YES. Do I want to help them when I can and I think its appropriate YES but I think it is up to each family to make decisions at to what is best for their family
I GOT MY BOOK!!! I mean your book!! You are a TikTok sensation!!
In my mind? Privilege was always something someone should be grateful for having.
As a 40 yr old barren women, I search out your channels
I was an awful mother
But now try to make up for it with helping with my grandkids where possible so my kids dont make the same mistakes i made due to having NO help from my parents until my mother had no choice but to step in or my kids go into the care system
I had my children when I was “old”, so my mom couldn’t babysit. My children have been babysat exactly one time. My in laws live in Japan, so they are out and I only have my mom and she’s frail. My husband and I knew that we simply would not have any “free” help available.
I think the word privilege is applied to many needs like community support because many people don't have the same inherent access to the means to meet those needs.
Is it messed up that having the ability to meet your needs is referred to as a privilege? Yes. But you can't just not acknowledge that you can meet your needs better and easier than others not earned through your own merit or their lack of merit. Society is messed up and the least you can do is be aware of where its easier for you and where others don't have access to the things you do.
And yeah, do your best to increase how many people have access to that privilege. What else can you do
People are misusing the word for political reasons.
@@reflectionsinthebible3579 existing is political, so that's a meaningless statement
I’m almost 31 and still haven’t had kids yet (if I haven’t by 40 I’ll consider adopting or just be a cool aunt to other peoples kids). My parents are older. (Had me in late 30’s). If they can’t help because they are not alive, or are sickly, I do not blame them. I also have no siblings. Friends who like kids and you can trust with your kids are important too.
Im actually terified for the opposite of what you are saying. My parents live across the road from my brother and myself. My brother and my sister in law are due to have a baby at the end of August. My grandmother was amazing!!! I know my mom will do her best to recreate that for my brother. So i could see her being a little over bearing not intentionally but it happening. And my dad and brother will absolutely get into an argument about disapline and parenting style when it gets older.
This is beautiful
Yes definitely
I got 1 dead, 1 basically absent, 1 judgemental with no patience and no helpful advice, 1 kinda loose canon and all over 100 miles away
I think all parents need to consider that their children may choose not to have kids. one of my kids made the choice 20 years ago, the other was in a relationship that broke their heart. they are both in their late 40's now and enjoy being an auntie and great auntie.