How Narcissists Project Their Junk Onto You
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- čas přidán 28. 07. 2024
- In healthy relationships, individuals own up to their imperfections and take responsibility. Narcissists, however, are in a chronic defense mode, so they take the route of projection...ascribing to you what they refuse to admit about themselves. Dr. Les Carter describes how this works and how you can see through this ploy.
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I've gotten used to saying: "You're not talking to me, you're looking in a mirror and talking to yourself". Oh my gosh - amazing how quiet he becomes!
Truth hurts! Dr. C
That’s good!
You mean he doesn't have a comeback? Every narcissist I have ever encountered in my entire life has a comeback for AB-SOLUTELY *EVERYTHING.*
@@Emper0rH0rde sometimes the narcissist I’m dealing with will go silent too. I don’t know about the original post but the one I am dealing with is of the vulnerable/covert variety. However, he saves it up and there’s either some passive aggressive retort later or angry muttering under his breath or just general negativity/nastiness given. The silence never has staying power. Very short lived because he is very disregulated and the less access to other sources of supply he gets the more sullen and full of acrimony he becomes. I will be so happy to see the end of this chapter. It permeates everything.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you!!! Your videos made it easier for me to articulate myself to my narcissistic husband. I finally see!! I'm broken, but healing! God bless you!!
These things are all so weird but true. Being accused of being dishonest by someone who constantly lies and or deceives is beyond frustrating.
Yes this was happening to me all the time
CraZy 💊 Pills
I feel like a contradictory emotions of unfairness creates confusion... I was paralized...
I found it very painful,the lies he was telling others. Also his flying monkeys caused me pain. I prayed and projected all the negative lies back. No Contact
@@triciagarea9576 Tell me about it. It put me into shock when I found out. Cowards way out.
Narcissists' accusations of you and me say more about them than they do about us.
they project, whine and Blame shift.(ug)
@@carolnahigian9518 aaaaaaallll day looooong! Ugh, so exhausted, glad I’m done with it all.
I tell myself this everyday.
@@carolnahigian9518 yes all the while playing the “poor pitiful me” charade. It’s draining
remain calm. they niggle and niggle. that's all they do. .. and in the end they have nothing. all a fromt.
That attacking and belittling is a big red flag, no one with healthy mind will ever belittling others or disrespect others with no reasons.
They will NOT own their share of the blame, or even that a problem exists. As far as they're concerned, they're PERFECT, and, it's ALL.YOUR.FAULT. They deflect like crazy, and, gaslighting is their VERY special "talent". Always the victim. 😐
Projection is perhaps the most challenging aspect of a narcissist. It seals their resistance to change indefinitely by believing the whole world is just like them.
That is True ! I don't get that !! Why do they think that ??
@@ericnorthman9410 If the world is seen through orange tinted glasses, the world looks orange. Similarly, if the world is seen through the limited perspective of a narcissist, everyone looks like a narcissist. The ability to differentiate love from personal gain (seeing people as a means to an end) is not available for a narcissist. In the eyes of a narcissist, love / friendship is just a sanctimonious way of getting what you want.
@@curiosity_saved_the_cat Do you believe narcissts believe all outside their cult are narcisst? It would make sense
@@MJ-qb5ph Very view narcissists are aware of their condition, for them it's the norm. They do register differences between people, like; some are good in playing the game (wolf) and some people have yet to find out what the world is about (sheep). I remember a (what I thought was a) friend of mine for many years say ,,it's a dog eat dog world".
I do believe narcissists think everyone is only trying to keep up appearances, just like them. In the shattered mind of a narcissist, love and kindness is nothing more than a dishonest strategy for getting ahead, or a weak way of presenting yourself as superior.
@@curiosity_saved_the_cat I really like your post. Every word certainly true with all toxic people I've dealt with. Good eye on the ball field. You hit a homer!
Projection is the most frustrating thing to deal with. They think everyone is just like them and I think that’s another way in which they escape accountability.
The blame game got boring, too.
I’ve gotten that comment “see, we’re the same!” I’m like, not even close!
They groom and condition you to be what they want then resent you. Projection of themselves onto you ultimately causes them not to like what they see when they mirror you. You can't win, it's pure madness. Thank you Dr C
Spot on.
It absolutely is.
It really is! I'm escaping their hell world and it's just mind-blowing to realise all the madness you found yourself caught in!
Crazy making
He complained/argued over little things. If I moved a shopping cart, or if I cut an onion incorrectly, or giving an answer he didn't like. After 5 months, kicked him out. Loving the peace and quiet now!!!
Good for you!!!! Five months! It took me a lot longer and we have two, now basically grown,kids. Our daughter is very attached to him and sometimes I fear he will use her to serve his own motives, especially to turn her against me. But all I can do is trust in her. She's a very sensible young woman and she is very clear that she will not be dragged between us. Thank God. That 'cut an onion incorrectly'.... could I add to that list for days. It's like they need a perfectionsim in us for some reason and it is just poisonous to us.
Good for you ‼️ I’m currently trying to do the same !
@@faithabovefear1172 Just remind yourself not to get wrapped up in their neverending circular arguing. Walk away. Make your choice and just keep moving.
Thank God it was only 5 months and not 50 years!
Lol! I love it! Your onion story reminds me of my lettuce story. I cored a head of lettuce like I was taught to do in a restaurant when I prepared salads. Coring the lettuce keeps it fresh longer. The narc flew off the handle. He explained that the head of lettuce would spoil if the core was removed. 😁
"You're not the person I thought you would be!" And then they IMMEDIATELY follow that up with, "I meant no harm! I'm only saying this to help you! I'm sorry if you *took it wrong!*"
Or, "I'm sorry YOU feel that way" x
It’s incredible how predictable narcissists reactions are and even say the exact same words!
@@sifusubtitles exact same words to draw exact same reactions in us. That's how they get their supply.
Once we learn, we can't unsee.
Bingo
"Who can handle you?!"
If you hear the above, you know you are an empath; and you must have been the victim of the sickos ( you just let them walk all over you previously and this last sicko uses that to project on you)
Gosh, it's more difficult than people can imagine. These people get so angry when you disagree with them, and telling them no throws them into a rage, which includes blaming, put downs, sometimes theats. They try to guilt & shame you to such a great extent. I've been thru this countless times.☹😒
Yes the difficulty is unimaginable to someone who hasn't experienced it. Right now it's my landlady and boy talk about walking on eggshells..she lives on the property 😬😩
oh tell me about it. love is the answer. playing those mind games forever. there's a song about it.
@@jesusislukeskywalker4294 what is the song? I grew up having my cousin say love is the answer. L.I.T.A for short. She passed away in 2012 so I can’t ask.
They like to punish you for saying NO
Are give you the silent treatment when you don't do what they say very controlling and manipulative and pathological lier's OMG!!!!
I want to take a moment to thank all of you for your comments. We need each other. This is pure nourishment. We have come this far and I believe we can help each other rediscover own own lives, our own values again.
And know that we aren't the only person this is happening to. Other people have similar situations and we aren't all crazy.
Amen! Some amazing group!
PROJECTION amazing lack of awareness and empathy.
Got blamed for everything.. drama, always my fault and found Myself apologizing for shit I didn't need to be sorry for. Ugh.
That's what they want you to do to take the blame off of them. No accountability at all.
Yes it's gaslighting. They want you to feel bad for their projection.
It's all about them always needing to get their way,be right,win,control others,be superficial,play victim,blame,excuses,justifying,defensiveness...as they can't reflect within themselves ,have empathy,remorse ,need to avoid responsibility and accountability nor have self control,,they are ,their truths are covered up,denied...they are blinded by their own selfcentered light. A false self and life
@Mary Carroll yes and they just radiate that misery verbally and non verbally. Nothing good to say and certainly nothing to say that isn’t self focused.
2Timothy 3:1-5 shows his attitude s of most people to day right before the end what they would act like.
They should be exposed for all the abuse they inflict
Very good analysis of the condition
"You're narcissistic!"...said every narcissist... ever.
Yeah, that's projection all right! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you for the important great work you are doing!
That is funny. I know a person just like that. Actually two people,maybe more....
Agreed!.
My brother told me I was a narcissist and should look it up - so I did, and found this marvellous doctor! Also showed me that it is my brother who is the narcissist and wow, the things that fitted into slot....he also called my mother a narcissist...Dr C has helped so much...
And I find the LOUDER they cry the more guilty they are.
Yep! Me thinkest thou protesteth too much.
As my covert narcissist wife relaxed into her true form she spent years putting all her issues on me. I truly wondered if me seeing her flaws was just me projecting.
The constant anger and normalization of being run down makes you doubt yourself. I'm no doormat either, but any reasonable reaction to ill-treatment was characterized as abuse!
Grey rock is all you can do, then get away. There is no play, no sharing, no fairness and no winning.
For me any protest or statement that this is not okay got: 'You are out of control again.'
@@tarawalsh-arpaia3928 yep, out of THEIR control
Did you find it hard as a man (I assume but don't burn me if wrong)?I ask because, as a lawyer, I dealt with many cases.... well I loathed family law but saw many men get really trampled and used to take their cases on(successfully might I add). But I also worked with a domestic abuse agency that only dealt with women and that bothers me a LOT. I am the daughter of a narcissit mother. No one believed us as kids because it was our mother. If we had said father we do not doubt it would have been different. Your advice should be made into a t-shirt. There is no fair! When you get past that, you have a chance.I hope you are doing well and know that you deserve a proper love. You described my own marriage to perfection but my worry now is my 18 year old daughter is starting the same game. My son is okay in that way though.
@@Picca65 Yes but it was also his way of diminishing and humiliating me. i was thinking earlier about how years ago I often used to come home and go straight up to my room and cry alone for hours. He might even walk in and get something and just walk out again or give me 'shit-on-his-shoe look because I was emoting, hence out of control and ridiculous. My real fear and pain now is that he has our daughter doing it to me now as well. I can't just divorce her as well. They both lie about me right to my face. I am out of control, I am ALWAYS this or ALWAYS that. It's just awful that she chose this way.
@@beyourself9162 Well,even if it is you have self-awareness and that is all hope needs to build on.
I stop responding to the Narcs in my life because the only time they reach out to you is to Dump their Junk onto you. A healthy person reaches out to genuinely see how you are & to share happy news & maybe just needs to talk through a bad situation their going through. Narcs could careless about anything or anyone but themselves.
With narcissists, same crap different face. I personally do not need or want any association with the time wasting stressors that they choose to be, yet they have pushed themselves on me throughout my life. Literally held captive. Why are they allowed to ruin people’s lives? Know who you are no matter how much they try to convince you differently and disassociate yourself from the abuse as soon and safe as possible.
It's great they have legislation against domestic violence in the form of coercive control in place in some countries.
Some of these things were literally said to me WORD for WORD! These people are textbook .. a literal hive mind .. never ceases to amaze me how on point you are about them.
The devil is the devil 😈 🙌🙏🏽💯
A narcissist's accusations are really confessions
On her deathbed, she screamed at me “you’ve always hated me”….guess that’s projecting at its finest.
What a way to leave this earth. Dr. C
It's hard to get rid of a narcissist.Close every door that gives them contact.Im doing that.I mean every door. That is sometimes,numerous flying monkeys.
Like someone wrote on another video, narcissism is contagious. I’m glad I live in the country and have most interactions with my horses, cats, and dogs.
The first interaction can tell you a lot. Uncomfortable around them, blame, they correct you, project, try to say things to worry you, stare with dead eyes or smile to charm, get agitated when you don't give them what they want, try to get information on other people and who you know, play victim. Run! Gray rock!
His anger was almost always over the stupidest things. Not anything substantial or meaningful, more like everyday annoyances were what set him off the most. Over the top reactions to genuine mistakes or accidents. The big stuff, the real stuff, got almost no reaction
Yesss !!
So accurate - one of our worst arguments was over Hillary Clinton & we were both democrats lol!!
Been there. I hope you are free now. Whatever the case, take good care of yourself. You know, I used to be 'useless and good for nothing.' So, one day I was sick and I dragged the vacuum out but I had to lie down after that. I heard him coming and I almost jumped out of my skin and then suddenly I thought: 'No, I'm useless and good for nothing. I think I'll have a nap.' It was a good one, too.
Precisely described! I got choked on that.
This is my experience also! I have often thought how can this be? How can you be so angry over such trivial things?
I learned that basically anytime he accused me of something that it was projection. He started asking accusatory questions that were also projection.
Best part off it is when projecting these insecurities onto you they turn round and say …i bet your friends don’t know what your really like .in a state off confusion you question your sanity asking yourself if the twisted logic makes any sense..this can make any sane mind go crazy..you need a strong nerve and will and make sure you have your projector shield up when going into battle ..
I had one friend dramatically start screaming, “Projection, projection, projection!” after he insulted me. 😳
my mother's been doing it to me at least since i was 4 years old. Is it even possible for a toddler to be vain & morbid? I dont think so. Likewise for "spoiled brat" - which I was called all my life, while being abused. I had to start buying my own clothes when I turned 16, which meant I had to have a job when I was 15 and naturally, was abused at those jobs too because hell I didnt know it wasnt ok for people to abuse me! Actually, I had a lot of abusive employers and then abusive boyfirends...thanks to MOMMY dearest convincing me I was worthless and deserved it!
Same, and mine enlisted her golden child, my older sister, to abuse me further and reinforce my worthlessness. It set me up for a lifetime of victimization. I played along and probably even encouraged it without realizing it because I was trained to be a narcissist magnet. Many of us find ourselves targets of narcs because of our upbringing. :(
@@chelleb3055 same, but my younger brother. I was supposed to be a boy, I was a disappointment literally from conception...& my mom is nicer to my younger cousin who bears the male name she'd picked for me, than she has ever been to me and THEN that witch turns around and accused ME that I've "always hated" her. She is SO lacking empathy, she doesn't even understand that's not possible, even at the most basic evolutionary level.
@@sheilajac I am so sorry. I hope you realize, as I did, that what happened to us doesn't have to define the rest of our lives. We CAN have happy, fulfilling lives once we decide that we deserve to. I'm so thankful for this channel where we can all come together here with Dr. C helping us find our way out of the darkness. Big hugs to you and everyone reading this comment who has gone through this.
You too, being called "spoiled" everyday of you life since you were literally knee-high?? I think narcs are all reading the same "How to Be An A**Hat" book!
@@brightbite i think it's the same demon in all of them. has to be. no other rational explanation.
The government doesn't teach this in schools because on a larger scale it's the same.
The gov are the biggest liars and psychopaths ever. If you don't know what I mean, you need to learn fast. Your very life could depend on it.
When my ex told me recently that I was a "soul crusher" in our marriage, I was so tempted to ask him when this supposed behavior occurred. Between the beatings I got from him? I honestly cannot believe he said that to me when I was his constant supporter. It really made me realize how delusional he is and his alternate reality is just total B.S. and fabrication.
They are meddling busybodies. They can’t mind their own business. Don’t fall for the triangulation manipulation games.
Mary Carroll I can relate to that.
Their insults only effect your pride, not necessarily your internal self-confidence or self-esteem. Haters gonna hate but, lovers love on.
Through each of your videos, I'm thinking, "Yes, that's what happened!" Scenes from yesterday, even decades ago, rise in my memory and are made clear. I cannot thank you enough, Dr Carter, for making sense of my relationship with my diabolical covert mother. I can't change the past, but I can see it clearly and set it aside. No more puzzling and wondering why and how. No more striving and appeasing. It's an answer to many prayers.
Keep learning, Michele! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism yes thank you, Dr C. I shall. I tried giving up watching all videos about narcissism one year into healing because I thought I should move on and stop thinking about it so much. But now I just enjoy being part of Team Healthy and I don't need to mention it to others because you provide a safe forum for sharing without burdening anyone else. I always feel understood when I listen to you.
Bravo to you. You have climbed Everest and back already. You've survived and bring good into this world. Thank you. We need all we can get.
@@tarawalsh-arpaia3928 it does feel a bit like that 😆 Courage and peace to you on your journey too, Tara.
I would not have survived if not for you and some other narcissist experts. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. God bless 💜
You are so welcome. Dr. C
Omg...no lies there
Mine has no problem saying, he's sorry. But once he says it he expects everything to go back to normal and he get to go right back to doing what he apologized for in the first place. I use to feel down and depressed all the time because of all the ups and down. I have pulled myself out of that depression! Only problem is I feel like I'm a angry B**** all the time now.. Anyone else?
I can relate. The one I know can never apologize, but acts completely normal after an incident passes, as if said incident never occurred.
Standard narc behaviour
They can apologise but god forbid u discuss it or seem remotely impacted by it
I experienced the same feelings. But after the relationship ended I realized I was not an angry B. When you get free and meet healthy people, they and you will see your good qualities. They and you will not question your anger should on occasion you feel angry about something. It’s normal to be angry once in awhile. Rage though I don’t think is ever acceptable. Funny though it was my ex who exhibited rage not me.
Everything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you...
nanny nanny pooh pooh!
We had a female manager who sometimes made nasty comments about the weight of some of the female employees in the office where we worked. She said it to their faces, and it was really sad to see. Well, this boss was morbidly obese herself, and it was widely known that she was struggling to lose weight. She was cruel, and the office was a tense place to work in.
Absolutely, Dr. Carter. Wish I'd understood all this 40 years ago. Horrific daily projection, the daily posing as a victim - all promoted by a very powerful personality. Not only shattering to the real victim, but a total waste of seven years, after which I escaped and began the long haul back to finding myself again. I find your videos massively helpful.
Keep learning, Marilyn. Dr. C
Narcissists love calling out other narcissists.
Left the narc 2 weeks ago. He texted me & said, " You couldn't leave me enough laundry detergent to do one load of clothes". I didn't even take the detergent. He was too lazy to look for it. Can't believe u called him out & u don't know him lol.
Disregulate emotions by my elderly vulnerable covert narcissist husband: My daily breakfast, lunch and supper…! Sure glad I am still working a beautiful job everyday and owning two dogs that are just perfect the way they are: True, loving and authentic.
Mine was jealous of my cats and everything else, too.
Dogs are a great comfort. Just walking them shows us how in the moment they are and we too can be. My two Yorkies are here now curled up beside me. He hated them. One of them, the little one, is my daughter's. She calls him her therapy dog.
If you are honest with yourself and know your strengths and weaknesses and realise we are all works in progress you start to see the narcisistic projection and it no longer affects you on a deep level. Thank you dr Carter
I know this to be true, and all who fall into their Tyrantcy become become bitter enemies of the people they once loved...
Just walk away or better yet run! If you try to argue, cajole, whatever, then you’re down in the muck with them and will feel as if you need a long hot shower. Just go and stay gone.
The narcissist throw the ball game to me. I send it back to him.
Yeah. Projection is their favorite game. They will ruin your life and then say you ruined theirs. And playing victim after having projected, they do that all the time. Thank you Dr. for reminding me I should stay away and not pity this person.
He used to tell me that I always have to be right. I never understood it. Then when we went to marriage counseling, I remember the therapist telling HIM that he could choose to be right or choose to be married. He was the one who always had to be right. It makes me wonder about some past accusations. Was he revealing his own actions?
Exactly. That is the very essence of projection. Dr. C
After you're with them so long, you see it. They pretty much tell on themselves I you really listen & pay attention. My jaw dropped to the floor many times during the marriage. Dumbfounded by what would actually come out of his mouth....he would literally accuse, interrogate or blame me for doing the very same blatant behaviors or actions he did say... just the week before & never admit, acknowledge or take accountability for any of it!! The illogic was so incredible, all I could do sometimes is just shake my head!! Things I would never don't!! Things that I could never even think up! Now I see how twisted his mind really is 🐍 I'm a very observant person. Many times it feels to a fault. I'm hyper aware, hypervigilant & always reading the room. Picked up that lovely defense mechanism in childhood & it extended into my 25 years with him. Sorry for rambling, but my point is... I saw his patterns. I think that is the biggest realization that you have a pathological person on your hands. The patterns of insanity. The lying, baiting, projection, gaslighting, stonewalling, dog Whistling, intimidation, zero object constancy, total black & white thinking, no fear guilt shame, no morals, cold empathy (but definitely put on a show for other people)...that all will come in due time. Patterns say a lot about who a person is. Watch their patterns & you'll know eventually how much you can trust a person.
It started out early in the relationship with me being told,"Don't justify yourself!" whenever I tried to explain something that wasn't done to her satisfaction. Years later, when it became very apparent that one of us had serious issues and I was getting pretty sure it wasn't me, it became,"Yeah, sure! Everything wrong is alway MY fault!" and then she'd run into a rage, threatening leaving, divorce and eventually even suicide. Even without ever heard anything about narcissism back then, I already had a strong sense that a deep, unmanaged shame resulting in an absolute refusal to introspect was at play. I'd love to stay to help, but the damage done to me and the children was just too great. Anyone faced something similar?
When we pay attention and really listen to their projections they tell us exactly where they are at for sure. Tyvm Dr.C 🙏🏼❤️💪
So true. Dr. C
I badly need to hear this on to affirm what I'm already into
Isn't Dr. C the best at validating our experiences? I think that's the key to moving on and getting past the abuse is just knowing someone - anyone - not only understands but believes that what we're experiencing is not just a figment of our imaginations. Validation is a HUGE step toward recovery for me at least.
For sure he is the best 👍💯... In fact he has paved my journey back to myself... Healing has started already... That's why they said knowledge is power... Awareness about it can help save many souls from wounding and breaking💔
I know. I have lived with it all too. I know you are sane and everything you are experiencing is real and it is NOT your fault or your responsibility. You cannot parent an adult. That's on them.
My father’s mantra was “see what you made me do”, punctuated by a smack across the face. It is comforting to have a name for what was wrong with him.
As I know their projections can actually help us see their insecurities. They project onto others all the things they are not brave enough to face in themselves, whatever it may be. (E.g. when they say that I've put on some weight, it actually means that they struggle with weight problems.) I understand this theory but is it really so simple?
Imagine you go home after work. You let yourself into the house and on the floor is a human turd. You don't think it is yours because you are not that sort of person. You automatically think someone else has put it there and you look around for someone to blame. If you are the sort of person who has so little self reflection that you don't think you are ever envious then you might well conclude that your feelings (anger, annoyance etc) are caused by someone else.
What do you think? 🙂
From my experience there is more than the spoken word going on. Unless you have good boundaries in place, expect to encounter various struggles, patterns and grievances the narcissist didn't work out themselves. (and stuff they deliberately push onto you)
OMG, so true. I recently had a conversation with my narc mom & I said she didn’t have the courage to say how she felt about what we were discussing and she immediately told me I was being disrespectful, laughed and said she’s not scared. “I’m not scared!”
SMH 🤦🏽♀️ That’s not even what I said, but sure mom. It’s weird bc I feel like we never ever talk about what we’re supposed to be talking about. It’s all about whatever the narrative is she wants to create at that moment. Used to make me feel crazy 😔
Getting stronger but still a long way to go.
Wow, a case of stonewalling and deflecting right there. They are 100% caught up in stuff, we have lost them to their trauma and control issues long before we knew it. Were they ever really there? How sad is this?
@@lizstewart1532 i think that's interesting, but my being annoyed could come from other individuals. Loving others means you are aware that other exist beside yourself. That is the beauty of creation...autonomy and private property. Self direction. Hope that makes sense
Narc project their dirty laundry on you and try to make you look like a problem. When I didnot know these as projection I felt angry that they are doing wrong and blame me... So again I was bad angry and problem
Can write a book on this: play victim, accuse you of the bad behavior that they are doing, play both ways, revise history, change the story, to suit their narrative, become more forceful when you try to refute, etc. An example of the latter is my dad is in hospital after suffering an aortic stroke but the narc in my life says they feel as much empathy as “what my dad and I felt when they themselves were in the hospital for depression.” At the time, the narc never told us and also told family and friends not to as well. You can see how troubled that other soul is. it’s always about them.
I am in the process of writing a book about my experiences with my ex. It's good therapy and factual. ❤️
i knew my 'brother' was strange when he had the EXACT SAME MELTDOWN for two events; 1. I bought wrong yogurt and (2); our Mothers death. EXACT TANTRUM from an adult aged " man.'
Yes, it’s all about them! I have a similar scenario - when paying any attention to my father who suffers from dementia he always comes back with “you never give me that much attention - it’s all about your family!”
@@susancrowther6617 Yes!! And, in their next breath, turns Their family (friends, neighbors, & anyone else who'll listen to them) against You, spewing a bunch of fabricated BS stories about how You have ruined Their life & are taking advantage of Them (victim mentality)!! (Poor thing!) Not to mention all the fabricated "stories" about how you aren't yourself anymore (ahhh, well yeah - To Them! Bc they won't Allow It!!) But even worse, the BS about how you're "mental", etc., ... personal attacks.
It all started when I became disabled, couldn't work/bring in the almighty $$, & he had to start taking more responsibility around the house bc I couldn't anymore, nor could I be doing all the things I used to do for him -- let's take cooking dinner for example. Now he has to cook/bring home dinner for both of us. OMG!! The World Is Ending bc HE has to do what "I should be doing for him" (ie: "Womens' work"😲)!! Thereby, I'm taking advantage of him!! In his warped mind, I'M the B**** that can't be TRUSTED bc HE has to do the things for me what I used to do for him!! (But in no way anywhere close!)... My own husband!!! Smh. All the while, he's living his life, coming & going as he pleases - without one word to me as to what he's doing/where he's going... (it's "None of my business!!") - going out to eat w/others (while I sit at home), playing his little games & SMEARING me in ANY way he can conjure up in his little sick, game playing mind! (Yeah, I'm triggered today.)
It's a shame bc he - All By Himself - has ruined what could've been a wonderful marriage - by making me his mortal enemy & playing his little entitled/victim/I'm superior to EVERYONE/the world is out to GET me so I'll get them first, mind games!!
This has absolutely RUINED any thoughts I have to Ever have another romantic relationship bc narcs are EVERYWHERE!! And I'm SO over them!!!
Pls pray for me...
You pick up quite quick that they spend time working out what words they want to stab you with, there is this vibe where you can feel them doing it.
We need to teach projection and projection identification in high school. The issues arise when we accept the projection of the narcissist. And allow the narcissist to evoke a reaction in us through our own psychological wounds. The problem with a diagnosed narcissist is its projections are hard to modify and return to itself. Even with evidence, the narcissist will not accept reality. It will blame somebody or something.
Ugh!!!! The projection and demanding order for an apology is paramount right now. The triangulation issues are intense! Really playing people to make me look bad? Sad.
"People don't really know you. People think you are soooooo nice."
"Boomerang conversation" Dr. Carter that is brilliant and so original and with great imagery ; ) K
Dr Carter, I have been listening to you for a long time. I think I am beginning to understand that I have developed a very poor self esteem projecting things they subconsciously I allowed myself to accept and unwillingly took on their protection of themselves and I am seeing that there is a fight for me to emerge because I learned this at a very early age. When I listen to you talk I always do introspection and I am seeing a big fight inside me to object to the things I allowed myself to accept as real about me are not. it's crazy at my age to see that my potential and destiny has been all about someone's actual concept of myself not my own. My own perception of myself needs healing that inner child to walk away from years of carrying a bad concept of myself incorrectly. How does one do this?. OMG. Narrastic people are so dangerous.
Hi Yvonne. First, thanks for these good comments. Clearly you are working it out and I'm so pleased to be on the journey with you. I hope you've seen the video about recovering your self worth after leaving a narcissist. As to the how question, it comes down to ongoing education and if necessary, finding a good therapist or support group who can assist you in the reorientation process. I always loved having motivated patients like yourself. With an open mind and a willing spirit, there is much forward movement you can find! Dr. C
One day at a time. Do whatever it takes to give yourself peace and quiet reflection. Time will pass.
Sending my best wishes to you Yvonne.
The best book out there on reprogramming your self concept is called Psychocybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. (For free on CZcams.). A cybernetic setting is like your air conditioner, you set a temperature, and it adjusts the environment to your setting. Same with self concept. If your self concept is poor, you will adjust to external environment to validate the setting.
The only way to reprogram sub conscious is through repetition of new ideas, with feelings. Especially when you first wake up or are going to sleep, in a state akin to sleep (SATS). You can listen to nighttime affirmation tracks while you sleep, try the same track each night for at least 3 weeks. Your subconscious is wide open while you sleep, so the new programming can easily be accepted. There is an adjustment period, where you will have dreams about the old concepts being purged, fears processed and released. But it really does work, easily and fairly effortlessly, as opposed to years in therapy.
I highly recommend Dylan James’s channel, with his night time affirmation tracks about self concept, love, money, success.
The book and the night time affirmation tracks helped me radically recover from ptsd, stop my obsessive looping thoughts, and dramatically improved my over all well being. I hope these free resources help you immensely 🙏
@@luckyluckylucky2261 thanks for letting us know about it
Sick of the world tonight. Seeking sanctuary. No one to talk talk to. I hope I understand projection. Hear my doubt. And I introject. I need to anchor in my own goodness. I am not in touch with them but my family sucks on me. I will work to release this and it is deep. Off to distract. A good movie.
I hear you, Nancy. Dr. C
They do project that’s why they want a partner who’s they can blame and bully and try and off load all the things they regret but won’t ever tell you .They hate being ignored and they will lie and play mind games ,gas light and play the victim and they don’t really care if you get upset as in their mind they have accomplished what they set out to do ,and I’ve even seen this person smile once he upset there partner .
The “my life was really good until you showed up” comment was it for me
Yup. My narc Mom said, "you are the one that I've had to help the most". I'm confused and dumb founded at her comment because I've helped her. I was even in the midst of helping her in that very moment she was having her narc-ness vent. What the heck? Haha. Crazy town!
I didn’t know that my recent boyfriend that I dumped just a few days ago after fitting all of these descriptions until I went through all our prior conversations when I went completely no contact and saw that he’s been manipulating me from day one . From the very first day we talked . I felt sick to my stomach the way he treated me for so long and how I allowed it . Treating me like scum and when I call him out on it he blamed me for over reacting (gaslighting) and always wanting to pick a fight . I feel sick to my stomach
This was excellent. Thank you so much dear doctor!!!!
Yes, he is playing the victim card constantly. I can’t believe someone can play it that often. Before this I would have thought how can this be possible? How can someone be so victimized, removed from reality, lazy and avoid personal responsibility and any interest in character or integrity. He has also started to go heavy into triangulation.
I feel like a level-headed person that is really invested in you and knew how to love you would take the bad with the good. They wouldn't tear you apart for who you are
🤯 Yet foolish to see they all follow the same pattern or execution..
It’s amazing how accurate this is. Describes my ex to a T.
Our arguments were usually over the dumbest things and his level of anger didn't seem to match what it seemed we were arguing about...it always felt to me that his rage seemed to him justifiable, however he was directing it at the wrong person. I sensed he was hurling at me, things that he wanted to tell his mother, but couldn't.
Yes indeed.
Same here, and when I asked why was she making such a big deal her reply was "are you dismissing my feelings"
@@TheDon30740 that seems to be their standard script
Anita, go one step deeper...He is also using his mother as a scapegoat for his inability to take responsibility for his own behavior. It is all about him. It will never change. It will always be someone else"s fault.
@@katray7452 good insight!
Narcissism i's all about control....so it's lovely to see Gus is such a free spirit from the off!
omg. My narc ex would project onto me! He accused me of saying things that I didn't. He would gaslight me and pretend that he didn't say things that he DID. He would never ever apologize for anything even if I explained if something he did would make me upset. He would just listen and offer no apology or reason for why he did it. He would get angry at me for being "pathetic" and "needing validation." He tried to tell me I was a horrible person but couldn't explain how I was a horrible person or what I did to him. He said that he felt like walking on eggshells around me but couldn't explain why or how when I asked him why he felt that way. He would accuse me of flying off mad at him for no reason but couldn't explain when that would happen or give me an example of when I did that. He would basically act like I was abusing him, but whenever I tried to ask him why or how he felt that way or what I did to make him feel that way and he could. not. answer. hmmm.
This was exactly my situation.
The ex is now currently accusing me of “always being mad and angry”. So, now I know the he is mad and angry and I think I know why. He’s such a jealous and awful person who wants everyone to be as miserable as him!
I am currently successful and totally happy after divorcing him. He’s a narcissistic abuser who strangled me and accused me of not doing enough when the lazy ass literally had no job (and still doesn’t after 13 years… his parents support him) and did no cooking nor housework, no yard work…Nothing, exempt play violent video games all day!
@@GodsChildrenOnEarth Glad you are free now.
I lived that same story. The trick is to ask for specifics. Well, the thing is to get free but if you say 'Can you tell me a time when I did such and such so I can recall?' Explosion. Richard Gannon (also on CZcams) suggested that.
Oh wow, my experience exactly. I did so much soul-searching looking for all these profound flaws in myself that he was constantly pointing out, scouring my memory for when and how I could have been so casually cruel to him as he was to me (which was his answer whenever I brought up the fact that I felt hurt by something he did or said: "I've never even started talking about all the horrible things you've done to me!"). I'd say, okay, please let's talk about that. I am interested in what you have to say." Crickets.
My last one was especially clever. She would react very defensively when questioned or held accountable for anything. Often yell and scream while saying she “did nothing”. Then she would ask me to explain what I thought she did wrong, and after minutes of emotional barrage, I couldn’t think straight! If I did think of a concrete example, she would twist everything around and put it back on me, again, like I was the abuser and gaslighter! She made me feel like such a horrible person, and I had no idea what she was talking about! Wow, it was crazy-making. Then the next day, I’d think about it and be like, “Wait a minute!” Took me a couple months to figure it all out but better late than never!
"Why do you take it so personally!" Well I guess that puts the onus on me, doesn't it.
Attitude of judgment. Im not doing enough. They claim. Im 73. No car. Limited income because of them. Guilt trips.
Projection was horrible to deal with. It got to where he couldn’t even see me. It was his projection of who he expected me to be. So glad that after 25 years, I’m free of that! Great topic! 👍🏻
My husband told me he “knows things about me I’ll never admit to”. I had no clue what he was talking about and he refused to tell me what he was talking about. What I later figured out on my own that he finally admitted he was referring to was super petty but he still swears I’m some type of harlot. He was referring to a time someone else tried to flirt with me and I quickly rejected them. But according to him somehow I’m in the wrong because this guy was trying to flirt with ME and it turned out it was something that happened like 8 years ago that he brought up, but still I had NO relationship with this person. He still swears I’m somehow wrong and that it was natural for him to be upset after “finding that out about me”… I’m still not understanding what he “found out” about me.
He says he doesn’t like that I keep in touch with people and that if I didn’t keep in touch with people the person would’ve never tried to flirt with me and goes on to say how that’s his green light to have female friends. He’s had “female friends” since I met him but I don’t even have any male friends… but in his twisted thinking that’s his excuse to have female friends. I’m sure he’s just projecting his own stuff that HE’S done and will never admit to.
Oh my... that's so petty of him🤮
So sorry you experienced this 😞
Yep I went thru the same shit.
The secret of success is making your vocation your vacation
Thank you Dr. Les.
Omg, every word that comes out of your mouth is something my ex has done or is doing. And yet he then acts all innocent. It was computer auto fill.
after spending 2 months at my house while I really tried my very hardest to make my relative as comfortable as humanly possible -- hard to keep up for 2 months -- and never asked him to contribute to the household in anyway, told him he can stay as long as he wants, he erupts in a rage and his accusation: "I'm the only one who makes an effort in this relationship." yes. sounds impossible but it's true.
Yes, I've experienced what you describe, from the narc. I dumped everything he dumped on me, back on to him. I don't think he liked it, and I know his many adoring flying monkeys are incensed about it.
Mr. Narcissist projects his faults on me all the time, so I just say ( are you talking about yourself? ) and I turn my back on him and walk away . He hates it but I don't care.
Over 20 years later...after many abuses....he STILL goes into lies and overeach ...BUT I no longer walk on eggshells - i STOMP on them.... CRUNCHING loooOUDLY. !?!?! ;))))
One of the worst Narcissists in my world is a rich man who has refused to grow up for years. "Owns" lots of cars and property. Or so he would like tenants to believe, but in reality he is just a glorified maintenance man/drunk/overgrown teenage stoner/trust fund recipient. Has no real girlfriend or wife or boyfriend or husband. Seeks quick gratification with alcohol and narcotics and walks around gossiping and strutting, seeking new property and starting trouble between people. Empty inside.
Unfortunately there are so many of these in the Entitled Godless America that we have become. It's sad. So thanks again, Dr. C.; you and your videos give us somewhere to go when we need good therapy, when we want some true soul.
I have been listening to you for awhile now and reading the comments and I almost feel guilty for taking advantage of all of the sage advice from you, Dr. C. and everyone here on team healthy. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. God Bless.
Just been in an argument with a person who shocked me literally with things I had long forgotten as unimportant, I had no idea that anyone could be so malicious, the sarcasm was non stop even when peace came the last sentence was an insult !
Thank you Dr. C. I am learning so much...1) that I am a empath...2) that my mom put her negative emotions on me...telling me how mean I was or how unlovable I was...3) putting her guilt & shame onto me. I am finding journally is helping me to figure out what her feelings was & what my feelings are. Thank you for being a huge help.
Journaling is definitely a good way to keep your wits about you. Make sure you develop a thorough understanding of projection b/c that's what you're experiencing. Best wishes. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism I will definitely try. Thank you for the advice. God bless you for helping so many of us.
My dad has been dead for 30 years, but totally out of context the narcissist cousin says to me, did you know your father told family you were on drugs. She went on to say my dad told family I had moral issues, (I’m putting it nicely). My immediate response was to laugh because what she said was ridiculous and untrue. Afterwards the insult and degradation set in and I knew I never wanted to be in her company again.
As if their crap behavior wasn't enough... they also insist that YOU did it to them! 🤦🏼 No way to win, friends. Get Out Now.
So true! Just today my narcissistic relative accused me of causing trouble with a friend of hers and another relative. Apparently I super upset her friend because I said she was annoying via a popular app lol, as for the relative, something I only mentioned to her reached him and she more or less called me a bad person! That I plant bombs and sit back and enjoy the show. Personally, I believe she ascribed disproportionate anger on their behalf to make me feel guilty. I try to disengage but she presses my buttons and I feel the need to constantly defend myself. It's exhausting. Then it's the 'poor me! I just don't have enough hours in the day for everyone to revel in the wonder that is me!'
"Another thing that they'll tend to do that's part of their projection, seeing in you what they don't want deal with on the inside of themselves, is they'll say 'You owe me an apology.'" This is my sister. No exaggeration. *Any* time she encounters pushback to any of her nonsense, she curls up like a woolly bear caterpillar, and demands an apology.
I always heard that I don’t trust him and I always think he was lying.. which was not true!! But later on found out he was constantly lying and was not to be trusted… was with different woman all the time!!!!
The narcs hate it when u see through their deception n call out on it, they r afraid of being seen as having flaws n vulnerabilities
I’m pretty basic, but I have some good ideas once in a blue moon. Who hasn’t had a narc steal an idea and claim it, passing it off as their own?
I can relate to it all. I was being told off and lectured by him (soon to be ex-husband) and also by his narc parents about almost all stupid things possible (they just had nothing to niggle to really). I was doing my best, trying to live well with them, trying to keep my boundaries simultaneously, which was hard as hell. I was struggling in such environment for 4 years and I finally see it for what it is. I could never talk with him honestly about problems, every time I tried address some issues he turned the situation on its head. He was shaming me for many things, like that I tell too much to my family about our relationship - it was on the contrary (I'd even say now that I was talking to them about it too little, maybe they would see it faster than I could) - but he was telling his parents LITERALLY ALL. And they were scheming against me together behind my back from the beginning, which was a huge shock for me to discover. He was lying and manipulating me all the time, gaslighting, he was acting like a perpetually wronged victim, malcontent, disrespecting me and my boundaries I was trying to set. Then he would tell me that it's me who does it, that I lie, I don't respect him/his parents, I don't accept him but little that I knew was not only that these were absurd accusations but he was also doing exactly what he was projecting on me. I would never come up with something like that. I was kind, loving and open to these people while they were scheming, lying and bad-mouthing me and waiting for the right moment to discard me! It's just so mind-blowing! It's kinda fresh situation, it all came to light just a few months ago but I still can't believe how is that even possible to think and act in such sick backward ways in which these people do. One narcissist is bad enough but imagine being constantly brain-washed in coodination by a whole gang! Yes they caught me on that very wronged and hurt people bait bc I am very emphatic.
Tell the truth bad relationships and people who stole from them
He used to say I'm a selfish sociopath! self centered, and a Child.. and I deserved all that he did to me in response... how can you validate your pain in front of that? ugh was awful...
Make sure you understand the defense mechanism of projection...seeing in others what you refuse to admit about yourself. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism yes I do. But a Big part on me is extremely weak un front of this unfaire circumstances, I suposse that's were My own childhood wounds take place and become useful and convenient for this kind of individuals.. I hate to see how I create a narcisist friendly person! It hurts and sounds hard to undo.. sometimes I wonder if I am a narcisist too.. and I'm not capable to see it.
My life ....still struggling to unravel what is true and what was projected by Good ole Mummy!
I used to have someone tell me that you need to tell someone thank you repeatedly. After I had already thanked them for the gift or whatever it was that was bothering them. Now I know this person didn't want thanks. They wanted to be fawned all over and worshipped.
All true. Sometimes the narcissist takes it one step further by drawing the most possible negative out of a set of other could have been drawn conclusions instead of admitting that the data collected was inconclusive and then from there they jump at the chance of recording things about us that are not true which others will see who can end up without realizing it then be interfering with our lives as result in negative ways.
I did a lot of work with a domestic abuse charity and what you describe was something we heard almost every day at least several times. They try to get allies who think they are heartfelt and loving when they are NOT.