What Is The End Game For A Narcissist's Spite?
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- čas přidán 17. 03. 2024
- Once you indicate that you no longer want to participate in a narcissist's dysfunction, there is a high probability that you will encounter that person's spite. Dr. Les Carter describes how their end game is destruction. But as you understand what you see from the narcissists, you can stay out of their clutches.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his CZcams channel, his videos have received more than 110 million views.
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Their end game is to make sure that you don't achieve more than them.
In my experience and opinion, competition is a major part of narcissism. Refusing to play the competition game, and living life according to our values and goals , is the best strategy. Our "playing small" in order to placate the narcissist keeps the dysfunction going.
Some of them the end game is to prevent you from enjoying or achieving your goals, ripping them away from you..
@@barbarakelly1916
The narc caregiver I work with buys everything I buy for my daughter, and throws mine away! Or I put my shopping list on my dry erase board, and when I come back the next day with the items, she has bought it and hid it, only to bring them out and say, You didn't need to buy that. We have some! Or what she heard me tell my daughter what I'm going to buy her, like cherry lip balm, this woman runs out and buys it, bringing it back first! I can't believe it! She even buys whatever I buy for my daughter. I get her a new coffe cup, she gets one like it. I buy her a certain mascara, she buys it! A new brush, same thing..That's just the MILD stuff she does. I'm getting away from her as soon as possible!
Yes!!!
Exactly!
If they can't be happy they don't want anyone else to feel happy either.
My mom told me you've changed I don't even know you anymore. I said I haven't changed just got tired of the way you treat me and I'm no longer taking it.
My mom told me one time “it feels like you hate me” to which I said “maybe it’s the other way around.” PROJECTION!
@jenniferfi..: Oh; so that's what my now ex husband meant by that!! " I don't KNOW you anymore!"
My ex husband used the exact same words with me “you’ve changed, I don’t know you anymore. No matter what I do to you, you don’t crush!”
When my mother knew she got under my skin, she would immediately try to goat me into a confrontation, in order to turn in on me. Or her famous empty fake compliments, where I can wear a trash bag & she goes on about how great I look. It’s very sad and annoying.
I called out my sister's abusive behaviour. She was giving me the silent treatment and I confronted her on it. I had been given the scapegoat role in the family and walked away from it. My sister said "I miss my sister!" (meaning 'the scapegoat') I told her that person was dead. I would not be that person any more.
Remember the narc isn’t an individual but stuck still in infantile patterns trying to separate & become an adult while just using others as substitutes for that primary caregiver whom he hates almost as much as he hates himself
Well said. I couldn't find the words but yes, this is exactly it. Thank you.
Wow! Truth! They are infantile to their detriment. Does not work very well on other adults. Lots of unnecessary drama, temper tantrums. Oh yeah, they are infantile 😢
I'm going to make 'infantile' today's Word of the Day here at home as I care give my elderly Narc. And yep, no one else left.@@barbarascoggins5239
Or "she"
Uugghh ... you are describing my husband to a T. He tries to hide it, but at times, his hatred for his mother comes raging through his mask. He blames her, not his drunken, physically abusive father, for a lot of his problems. Now, he has me and our two adult children to blame as well. And then he wonders why we don't want to spend time with him anymore.
The narc wants all your blessings, gifts and what you work very hard for. They want your life.
Spot On
They are the worst kind of thieves!
They want you
That is so true. They want to ruin you and steal everything you have. They are evil.
Exactly. They are dangerous in every which way.
To make themselves look like the victim and you as the villain.
My ex narc was very adept at this.
@Hatbox948 My current spouse is too.
All my family has done this to me.
Absolutely! My sister plays the victim every time and l'm the villain...
@@Hatbox948 I'm glad he is your ex. Keep well and stay narc free. 🙂
In my experience, the covert narcissist was the worst. They are sneaky, acting like everything is okay, then out of nowhere, they do a surprise attack when you least expect it. My former boss and older sister. Now no contact with them both, and their flying monkeys. Knowledge is power for sure!
Mine just did a number on me and then posted about being mischievous. It's a game and she enjoys it and has been allowed to until now.
YES! I fell for that sneakiness far too long from my husband. It was the most frustrating, disappointing, confusing, life stopping thing in the world! I got to the point I was barely functiong. Indeed, knowledge is power. No contact and no more games. Team Healthy all the way now! Thanks for you well written post.
Coverts are thee worse one. One minute, they are OK or helpful, then BAM, They do something horrible to you or say something down right nasty to you or about you. Mind used to steal from me whenever I did or didn't do what she wanted. It's a downright war that you didn't know you were in!😢
For sure
You just can't trust them, ever!
Bloody nightmares ALL OF THEM
This channel is a God-send
Literally.
Literally!
They will try to get you fired in the work place even if you are the best, most responsible and highest producing employee. You make them look bad. A customer-monkey (Mr. Taylor) tried to get me fired and I am the one associate who was nice to him and I had witnesses. Put them on speaker so their lies are exposed. Score!
They play with you as a cat plays with prey. Then they kill.
Narcissists like to torture their target's in any way they can.
I have a cousin like this. However, she knows her limits because she knows that I have data on her that could completely destroy her and her facade, so she sits nicely in her corner, quietly.
Exactly. Break down your self worth. Prove to you that you are worthless, and they are the greatest. Even the little things that make you proud of yourself are opportunities to put you down. My sister mentally abused my mom for years, and she tried to walk into traffic when it got so bad. Luckily a good samaritan saved her, and my mom has healed alot. They are toxic people.
No they don’t. That’s the hubris speaking again. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world the Scriptures say.
@@jensanchez3646see this is the thing: if you are committed to Truth, all Truths, and you take a balanced, temperate and fair approach and you’re objective about the gifts and good qualities of others as well as the self, they can’t do that. Because just as their good qualities stand independent of their personality disorder so do the good qualities of the person whom they are targeting and whom they are determined to make feel worthless. And when you’re a person of integrity you direct this in the analysis of self as well as others. You can readily admit your flaws, foibles, failings and problems but with eduction too you can be comfortable and quietly self assured about your own good traits. No matter how much they try to tear you down. My good qualities stand independent of their abuse and subjective one sided narrative that is foisted upon me in spite of their victimisation because there is a little thing called absolute Truth and Jesus embodies this.
Narcissists are legends in their own minds.
I always used to say this haha
They forget, they set the whole thing up .....
Simply put 👍🏼.
They just Gasligh themselves into forgetting!
It’s a prison that is self designed behind their own backs …it’s such a heartbreaking 💔existence they have ❤️🔥
Exactly...
@@mday3821 👍🏼 self brainwashing.
When I left the narcissist almost 10 years ago, he said, 'You won't be able to get by without me, and don't forget, you owe me.' I answered by saying, 'I don't owe you a damn thing.'
My ex husband said the same thing to me! I showed him I could get by without him! He died before the age of 50. I have been happily remarried for 36 years.
My estranged wife said the same thing. Told her don't owe you a damn thing.😮😮😮😮
The narcissist asked me one day "Why have you changed?" I answered that I am still the same person that I have always been. This was when I had found out what the narcissist's game was and I had quit playing.
Same! When I stopped engaging, it was like “You’ve changed, what happened to you?”
No…we’re on team healthy now, that’s all.
Way to go!
My mom asked me the same question I told her I haven't changed I've just gotten tired of dealing with how you treat me. It's truly sad.
Same! My narcissistic boss said the same to me when I stopped jumping through his manipulative mental hoops after discovering what narcissism was one year ago. Then he started always whining that I've changed and not who I used to be and I don't talk to him anymore, as in I gray rock him so I don't get manipulated by him anymore. Not gonna play those mind games.
@@RM-qq5rj Grey Rock Method is the test that tells you if a person is trying to a reaction out of you. I've used it on multiple narcissists and every time they immediately realize I'm not playing their game.
The saddest part is how they convince their flying monkeys against you. The loss of those close to you besides the narcissist are the hardest to lose. It’s sad when they can’t see the light.
They are likely narcissists too, with masks on. Don't feel sad, goodriddance to them.
On closer examination, the narc's flying monkeys can be incomplete, defective people with huge blind spots to her flaws.They make excuses and rationalizations.
By contrast, others you may be close with see right through her smoke and mirrors and call out her tricks and games! 💨
The first clue is laughter. They find her ridiculous, and aren't walking on eggshells.
All true...many of them have "chosen" to sell their souls.
Yep I am dealing with the "flying monkeys" right now.
This just happened to me......🤮
A past narcissist was transcribing our private conversations and posting them on social media. Stear clear of these insanse people. They will stop at nothing to ruin you.
What you can do that,I will get a attorney if he do me like that,your not going to win after I put up with you with your NARC ASS I wish he would single is Beautiful
I just want everyone here to feel a sense of peace knowing that you aren't alone in this. You are heard and understood.
Appreciate you! Thank you.
Such appropriate assurance.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Forever grateful 🙏🏼
Thank you! I am in this now and feel so alone. It is a nightmare.
Unbelievable pain.
@@gloria8027 🫂🌹
They are good for pulling the rug out from under you just to get a reaction. Their idea of twisted fun.
Narcissistic cycle is idealises, devalue, discard, and the end cycle or game is destroy usually this comes after hovering, beware narcissist has come back to destroy because seeing you thriving and surviving is their destruction, the narcissist ultimate end game is self termination.
Guilt tripping, blaming and punishment are some of the emotional manipulations you can expect when stepping away from a narcissist.
My covert narcissist husband of 46years is very spiteful, it was 2020 when God opened my eyes to see what was going on, and what I saw I CANNOT UNSEE😢, Thank you Dr C for these videos.
Same way with me, 2020 is when my rose colored glasses fell.
EXACTLY. What you could not UNSEE.
Same here. It was November 2020. I'll never forget it. I'm grateful for the awareness and my freedom.
I finally left my narcissist husband of 35 years, last year. It’s hard to leave them because they grind us down but the relief!!!!
I so wish this information would have been available 50 years ago.
When they create a narrative that is negative about you so they can feel better about themselves when the relationship is over they will create a different narrative when they try and hoover you back, they will create a narrative that is positive about you so they can see you in a different light. Don't fall for the hoover, it's all the same negative spiral as the beginning. 1) Idolize/love bomb 2) devalue 3) discard. Narcissists are broken deep down to their core and the more people they can break on their path of destruction the better they feel.
I know! It’s to destroy your happiness so they can feel good about themselves.
I just love your dog having a peaceful nap. They don’t have any worries in their world!
It's a dog's world they get more pampered in this day and age, prams and all lol. 🐶
I love his dog, also! Such a dear, good soul!
😂😂😂😂 he's tired of the narcissist narrative
@@ShirleyMostert Yep he's like us we're tired of the subject but still listen lol.
Gus is a sweetheart. Calm like Dr. C
Mirror, mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all! Since watching your videos, I have come face to face with that narcissist monster living in me. For decades, I tried to understand why I am so angry and spiteful. Why am I nice and sweet one day and become so unhinged and mean and destructive the next day. Why do I hurt so much when things go wrong, when my expectations aren't met? The last person in this world that I ever wanted to become, was my mother. I never wanted to hurt anyone the way she hurt me. I never wanted to play her endless games of mind control. I never wanted to hurt my child the way she hurt me. When I left my mother and stayed away for six years, I got counselling, which helped me understand that the majority of the problems my mother and I had, were mostly her fault. She dragged her abusive childhood into our home, and because I was the most tender and sensitive family member, she dumped every single hurt, every single tear, every single blame on me. By the time I started first grade, I thought I was the most ugly and stupid kid on the planet. She took my wings into her mean, vengeful hands of steel and crushed them to pieces. And no one came to my rescue. No one to talk to, no shoulder to cry on, no one to tell me that I'm okay. I have been on the road to healing and recovery for a thousand years, it seems, and I'm just learning about the evils of narcissism and how it has infiltrated my brain. I was born a free spirit, and my mother shot me down. And I'm still trying to clean up the mess she made of my mind and broken soul. God has led me to your videos, not because of other people's narcissism, but because of my own. I never wanted to be like this. NEVER! And I refuse to die like this. I want to be the person that God created me to be. I may never reach that goal, but I will die trying! Thank you so much for coming into my life and helping me to heal, and surrender my own narcissism to God. Narcissism has no place in the hearts of God's children.
Hugs. I'm on the same journey. ❤
"Mirror mirror on the wall, you are you after all!!!"
Thanks for sharing your honest thoughts and personal life story in short. I think a lot of us can relate to your experiences, who were born into Narcissistic family systems, especially when raised up by Narcissistic mothers and/or fathers. The impact of this ongoing destruction and training into this destruction can be very intense and the burden can be very heavy so that healing will be a lifelong process.
Just some thoughts for you:
You are not your mother, because you are a seperated individuum.
You were born with a free spirit as you said and your spirit is still free for nobody can take away your spirit. Your soul might feel broken but nobody is allowed to touch your spirit for you are a child of God and the Heavenly Father always protects His children.
You might have taken over some Narcissistic traits, like we all have the more or less depending on our character, but you surely are not a Narcissist for a Narcissist has no insight and even does not want to heal.
Everything that you hate, will become stronger and is working against you. I say this, because you never wanted to become like your mother, which means you judge her for who she is.
There is only one who is allowed to judge and this one is God. So instead of judging yourself, which is a form of hate, which works against you, try to embrace yourself for healing means integrating for then God is able to fill the gaps in yourself.
Mercy with you for the Grace of God is with you 🙏💟💟💟🙏
Hugs
A lot of introspection,
too much introspection to be a narcissist.
Hence, you are not a narcissist.
Psychologists say it's called "reactive abuse" (in case you mistreated some specific target and/or whether you tried to destroy someone).
However Roxy explained everything better than me.
You are self-aware and want to change. That means you CAN change with God's help and therapy, unlike a lot of narcissistic people who cannot self-reflect. Change is very hard, but you will find peace and happiness if you can do it. Allow God to change you. Let him give you the unconditional love you deserve, but first you have to grieve that your mother who should have protected you instead abused you. It's such a horrible loss to acknowledge and grieve. I'm praying for you, that you find the peace and happiness you deserve.❤
I am going through this right now. Wish me luck 🤞🏽im preparing to get out of this alone. 16 years. 🤦🏾♀️ I cannot do another year this way
You’re stronger than you know ❤️🩹 the other side of the nightmare is well worth the divorce ❤
@@caroleminke6116 ❤️ thank you for that. I have faith. 🙏🏾
Heck 14 months was way too much for me.i ran her off and her head is still spinning,first time she has ever been called out and she is 62.
@encee387 you can do this! Be prepared for a fight. Be prepared for manipulation, backlash, guilting and shaming, hoovering, etc. Just be prepared. You are stronger than you know. I'm going through this as well, divorcing him after 20 years and trying to get more than half custody of our kids.
@@Bike4Life231 ❤️🫂
You're going to be in trouble if you see through their mind games. They'll make you PAY!
Here's hoping they are exposed to everyone. Including those that don't put up with it immediately.
To win. They always have to be the winner.
Agree. They want control of the nuclear football.
At age 20 I asked God: why do I always have to win?"
In high school I was MVP in three sports and went to the State Track Meet where I placed 2nd and 3rd in two events--- that I could have won on a good day.
At 20 I was not looking at the whole picture. It was a good question to think about, though.
What I have learned in life is that some people, maybe narcissists, HAVE TO WIN without actually taking the great risks.
100%
@@JFish-df2ep It is Fair Play that narcissists seem to avoid. Great challenges develop our values. I believe that freedom of expression is extremely valuable. Censorship, and control of this human right, is the narcissist's goal.
@@JFish-df2ep Winners win--- does this mean that all winners are narcisisists? 100%?
I became sick and tired of my husbands mind games and half truths over fifty years and so I set boundaries. He has gotten so much worse, spiteful is an understatement. I am angry and have a hard time keeping my mouth shut as he pretends he is he victim. He knows exactly what triggers me and is delighted when he does. His audience is now our grown twin daughters He makes sure to put on a show for them. I have already suffered a stroke as well as a heart attack and I refuse to allow him or them to cross my boundaries any longer! So I guess they can see it anyway they choose because I no longer care what they think! I choose me now! I journal now as I became tired of his nonsense of saying I was making things up or he didn't say or do that he went into a rage when he learned of it he said I was building a case against him, my response was no you did that yourself over decades. I find unless someone has gone through this they can't begin to understand and it helps to know you are not alone. Thank you
Dump him, if you can.
Your health + your integrity are your most important assets.
Never lose them to anyone (person or job).
Ppl leave, jobs end.
Integrity + health are what remains ... or not.
It’s your job to put up boundaries to protect loss of these.
Restoring is difficult. So: fight sensibly -or leave if you must.
Don’t bother what other people will think of it. They are on their own paths, you are on yours.
Excellent reminder and I wrote this down for days I forget. Thank you.
After No Contact for 35 years my mother decided she wanted contact after a life time of telling me I was a looser. When my mother found out I was a very successful business woman and retired a millionaire she wanted contact again. I said NO and don’t regret it 😊
Good for you!!
The Best thing I ever did was.cut ties with my dysfunctional narcissistic family. I wasted so much time trying to be part of them!
I'm going through this right now. The backhanded slap of not wanting to participate in their pettiness. I have three siblings that blame everyone for their shortsightedness. I told one sister that I didn't want to gossip anymore about others, that I was trying to stop that. She handed me a backhanded slap by saying "oh, that's right because you're a changed person". This comment was enough for me to step away and see her for who she really is, a covert narcissist.
A wolf redemption is when it ceases to exist!
A narcissist end game is their end!
You're on it, Fred.
To a narcissist we are transactional and conditional "props" and, (as Dr C said) their end game is the destruction of you. All roads lead to the same sorry destination for a narcissist. Build that phalanx of healthy around you!
It's a nightmare divorcing a narcissist. My narcissist ex husband was so spiteful, it was like "how dare you divorce me" So, to get even, he poisoned my sons minds against me. He never got over the fact that I wanted out. He chose to be an angry ex husband instead of being a father to his kids. The children paid the ultimate price. It's the children who suffer and they don't care. Me, me, me. I'm so glad those years are behind me. I lost my relationship with my oldest son. He became like his father.
I fill divorced paper for my my ex husband and now he is using my 4 yrs old daugher to disrespect me . He doesnt care about the future of our kids. I told him that as mucĥ Im still a life. I will never let him destroy my daugher life. He is demon
@innocentesimbare6742 If he is poisoning your daughter's mind against you, keep a diary of what he is doing and how it is affecting your child. If it's destroying your relationship with her, you can petition the court and request for supervised visitation for him. If he's really poisoning her mind, that can destroy the child's mental health.
"Admire (validate/approve of) me or I'll make you suffer." So true. Zero introspection. Perfect msg to them: "I don't want to participate w/yr dysfunction; I don't like what you bring to the equation, I'm going to jump off that merry-go-round."
Love that wording!" Perfect.
"I don't want to participate in your dysfunction." YES!!!
My daughter is going thru a separation from her narcisstic husband...its a bloody nightmare. She believed his treatment was all her fault and thanks to counselling shes seeing what he has actually done to her, Financial, emotional and verbal abuse has been rampent. Gas lighting, love bombing and control of everything... years of hell, he has alienated her friends and family which she is finally getting back. She is now going to the family court for a solution and is finally taking some control back, applying for a protection order. Fingers crossed there is a final solution and she can move on!!!!
Never ever feel that you need to light yourself on fire, to keep another (narc) person warm. It will destroy your health! Move along with your life is in my opinion the best advice. Peace.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and grace. I will remember this for my self-care.
"I'll destroy you." - That's exactly what my ex-husband said to me when I told him I was filing for divorce. And we're in South-East Asia. Seems narcs are quite the same anywhere in the world. Thank you, Dr Carter, for helping us understand what's happening to us in these relationships.
Such a sad way to be and no way to ever resolve conflict or reconcile. The only way to survive is to walk away.
Jump off the merry-go-round and, when the dizziness fades, you can make a new life with other people.
Keep learning and practicing better responses.
"I don't have to let them write my script" love that! Should be on a t-shirt
When you finally get out of their grip, you see life as it could really be. You don’t ‘need’ them. You have endurance, knowledge and skills to live your own life. They will always have a ‘narrative’ to relieve their inner tension and hidden shame. It was never about you. In your own time, when you are ready, break free and live the life you really want and deserve. In peace with DRC. Thank you Dr. C. ❤🕊
Dwell in possibility
Emily Dickinson
Anger hurts the angry and narcs are incapable of forgiving.
How sad is that?! 💜🐾
So true. Well put.
My soon ex husband is dragging out the divorce, even though he filed and immediately shacked up with his coworker 🤷♀️ These people are relentless, are they even human?
No, they are definitely NOT human.
Same happened to me. He filed but was dragging divorce out....
Thankfully I had an excellent female lawyer and he got really scared and I finally got divorced in January 2024 after 1.5 years! They are plain evil!
@@juttalarosa4944 SEVEN years, for me.
No.
Like another species!
👽 lol 😂
No. Only the body carrying this permanently demon possessed soul, is human.
"Why is there in the hand of a fool the purchase price of wisdom, seeing he has no heart for it?"
Don't cast the "pearls of wisdom" before the swine. For they will trample upon them and rend you to pieces!
I've learned this the hard way with a few narcs in my life.
The more you try and be helpful and teach and correct, they shut down and ignore you. All they want to hear is that you agree with them and that you will do their bidding. They are not teachable. They will twist and flip every word you say, so speak less to none.
They love to go off on little "bunny trails" to evade responsibility and accountability. They love to dredge up old conversations and attach emotional pain to them when there is no connection to their facade at all. You will waste your breath, your time, your effort, and your energy on trying to bring understanding to them because at the end of the day, to them, YOU are wrong and THEY are right. Distancing yourself with strong boundaries forces them to bring their pile of 💩 elsewhere.
You have summed up what I went through so well. Wish I could save your post❤ I am at the end of MY discard since October 28. Mine first and me in control. Waiting for the next Hoover. The cobra 🐍 will raise his head. I am preparing myself… Thank you for your post 🙏
@@carolynwalkowiak6979Just read the Book of Proverbs. It doesn't matter if you are a believer or not. There is life wisdom...think of fools & the wicked as Narcissists!
Your video and knowledge again came at the appropriate time for me. It is clear and I understand but still I kind of feel sorry for the narcissist they might not realize they act out of previous trauma. Have to realize they will and can not change. That is the hard part for me.
@@elizabethkoeman1149 I do have compassion for them and pray for the specific ones in my life, for sure. They are unhealed and harboring so much rejection and pain. They do not know who they are. It must be a miserable existence to be that way. 😕
On the other hand, whenever they come with their manipulation and drama, I do not have tolerance for it.
Yes, but theyll try to take you down if you try to walk away. It's not possible to be kind to them at the time of the final parting
They discard us. They are stone cold. We feel the pain of rejection. We were the only half of the relationship equation in the first place. They were busy being puppeteer. When we rebal against their protocols they begin to hate. We are useless to them unless they can manipulate and punish. It's a spectrum they play. Like notes on a musical score, only it's your heart your mind your soul. They control, wield power. Whittle away at your stability. They enjoy the crazy making unstable you. They thrive on your pain, your emotional outbursts. They get their needed ego strokes by your negation. We must avoid them. Eventually we learn but the end game is to hurt you as much as possible. It's not kind, not rational, not true. None of their love bombs or phony affection is real. When will we ever learn? The empathy has a heart. They are heartbreakers. So in the end it's just another heartbreak. In the Bible it says forgive 70 x 7 times. These are the ones being described? Before the term narcissist was ever coined, they existed.
A perfect description of my mother, 😥 sad to say. She died last month, I was not included in anything, no one even contacted me. That was to be expected though. When my brother died in a car accident in 24 years ago they didn't contact my then, pulled the plug on the respirator just before I got to the hospital. I was never included after I said no to the child abusing boyfriend. She was the master of EVIL.
Alas I give her to much credit, she only hurt my Father the creator of all things. His heart aches for these ones. So does mine.
I think the church had a word for it when they spaketh of being infected with the Jezebel Demon!
Now we got psychology to better explain what we didn't understand.
'A SPECTRUM THEY PLAY' BRILLIANT!
I discarded my narc 1st husband. He, his momma and his 50 year old sister started to gossip about me. Truly evil gossipers... Lol.. I was in my 20's and would have none of it. I have a very strong sense of self. I gave away to my brother my grandma's beautiful dining room set. And replaced it with very weathered outdoor patio furniture. Then I sold off all my beautiful used furniture. I told those 3 Stada Babas I would be buying all new furniture. Lol.. they fell for it and one day I disappeared. Got rid of 3 narcissists in one night. Dump them. Don't waste any time on them . That marriage lasted 2 years... 2 years too long.
When you see the person is a narcissist, you must discard them ASAP. your parents didn't raise you to bow down to a narcissist or take care of a nutcase. Dump them. Their family can take care of them. Walk away and find a kind loving person
I went no contact with my sibling 16 years ago and it was the day my life became peaceful.
I have never regretted it. I love these videos - I nod my head in agreement and it’s great to have the reminder of what it was like and what a good decision I made for my own life and wellbeing…….
Thanks Dr Les - great video as usual❤
This video is so timely for me. About a year ago, the sibling with whom I had a fairly good relationship had been going through some difficult things and acted really creepy towards me one day. They managed to convince me (i.e. gaslight me) that I was overly worried and should continue doing the work for our family that our parents asked us to do.
About 10 months after that, this same sibling dropped their mask and made a plausible but it turns out unfounded allegation of wrongdoing towards me. After visiting a lawyer, I found out the criticism was just meant to scare me but it demonstrated their spite towards me loud and clear. I then told my parent that I was too stressed with other issues in my life and needed to stop doing the work as I could no afford no more legal fees over false accusations.
Guess what happened next? My sibling found out my conversation with Dad and decided to go on a smear campaign about me. They then persuaded my elderly father to tell me that my other siblings (by then a flying monkey had been recruited) really respected my intelligence but I was being too emotional. Oh, yes! If they can't control you, they'll be sure to stab you in the back on the way out the door!
Comments on these videos are usually so insightful and I wish all of you to be narc free.
In my experience being surrounded by narcisists, they never use feeling language as that would make them appear weak. Emotions are not logical, so they project their feelings onto you, and then you fit their role of being beneath them.
Ultimate power and control!!!
Gov and politics attract these oathbreakers and they weaponize the legal system while they hide behind their false reputations, bolstered by conditioned authoritarians.
Alote of their self righteous with that too
@@teresadvorak6145 Indeed!
This spiteful resentment showed it’s ugly head quite a way into my 8 year relationship. I truly think he hated the fact that I had a decent upbringing unlike him, although when I challenged him about it, he flatly denied it .
Never grew up
My observation: Everything is happening in their own mind. My understanding is that they are constantly looking for a target to project their inner pain. May be something coming from childhood?
Note. I am not from the field of phycology. Just an observation perhaps can help the other people.
You make sense.
I find that my narcissistic family is doing fine. They all get along. I am the one on the outer, and many friends and others in my life have used me, taken advantage of me and manipulated me.
I did 38 years of this in an emotionally destructive marriage with a Covert Narcissist. Lord knows I gave it all to save our marriage. I was blessed when she discarded me through divorce
I have no idea how people can take that kind of abuse for so long, as soon as I realized what was going on I made sure she knew it was time to go. I was not going to tolerate that kind of abuse in my home.
Interesting...I am finding myself in a similar situation. The discard was a shock and tough. We are still in the process of the divorce. He is the one who filed. Slowly as I heal, I see he may have done me more a favor by discarding me. I am just praying to get through the divorce as unscathed as possible.
@@peggymuller4588 Sister, for me at 1st I thought it was disastrous failure. But as time went on and I healed, I saw it was a gift. As if God opened a door for me to escape. I read that Narcissist’s must have the win in a divorce. So as to avoid the courts I allowed her to feel like she won. Give her a a little more. It was the best thing I did. I’m free and at peace. Peace be with you.
Dr Carter, I have a narcissist sister in law who I inadvertently offended. She apparently was so hurt, that she schemed, for a whole year, on how to keep me uninvited to her sons wedding. She kept putting blame on the sons wife, but after I saw the wedding picture, I noticed that every family member was invited except me and my husband and daughter. Now that she's gotten her revenge, she wants to play nice, and she's trying everything in the book to reel me back in. But I have to remain strong and not fall for her kindness, because I feel like it'll just be a matter of time before she gets offended about something else, and I become the target of another bout of her punishment. I have to remain wise as a serpent, yet innocent as a dove. I've been the object of her anger too many times over the past 40 years.
That's the False Self on full display. Trust what your gut is telling you.
My ex held a grudge against me for 15 years after we dated briefly and I broke up with him. When we reconnected, he spent the next 4 years finding many ways to hurt me deeply with his vengeful spirit.
That’s what Ted Bundy did to his ex then went on a murder spree to kill her look alikes ❤️🩹
I can relate.
My best friend had this happen to her. He punished her for something that never happened!!
I had one put rootkits in the hardware of my business and personal computers. Had to get police and ISP involved to stop it. Totally illegal hacking to control me. It was an employee, not romantic.
Narcissistic supply is their oxygen
Many just want a level playing field (where there is at least a fair chance). The N wants to clear the playing field (so there is no competition).
Bingo!
Whoa……
Healthy people want equality(equal opportunity). Narcs want equity(equal outcome). That way you do all the work and they receive the same amount of pay as you. You shouldn't be allowed to prosper if that makes the lazy, entitled narc feel bad. It's racist and causes climate change. It's sCiEnCe, lOvE, tOlErAnCe, and all the buzzwords they call it.
We have a narc neighbor (70 year-old female covert) in the condo below us that's always chiming in on petty things that are none of her business. It started with small, innocent statements, then escalated to (subtle and not so subtle) attempts by her to govern when we use our plumbing, appliances, electric blinds, enter various rooms, you name it. Boundaries of our home space, bodies and schedule are constantly tested. She invents rules and limitations that go beyond local laws. Whenever we have visitors, she'll go out of her way to rain on our parade. She tries her best to get into our heads and create psychological doubt. There's zero tolerance as we never know which alleged infraction will lead to a lengthy, condescending, word salad text or email. Since educating myself on narcs and going grey rock, she has lost interest in combating us and may soon be moving out. Thanks Dr. C for imparting your wisdom with a sweet, down-home Texas drawl. Fingers crossed!
That's great that she's moving, I hope your new neighbor is wonderful. I have the same problem with a narc neighbor. No sign of moving though, at least not yet.
My narc neighbor also makes a point of doing all she can to intrude whenever I have guests.
I can sympathise with her to some degree if the place is not soundproofed.
@JBS. I said "God - pls let them win the lottery & move!"
my narc sister hates and blames me for her financial situation but shoots down and curses me for offering a solution. it's like she would prefer to just keep on hating me and wants to hold on to the excuse
Dr. Carter's calm, rational, straight forward approach has helped me deal effectively with my ex narc and those who don't understand the real circumstances. He is kind but firm and that is worthy of emulating.
He was living in my house and treating me very poorly. Using me as a financial source and slave. Finally after a year i confronted him and told him to contribute. He became VERY FURIOUS! He attacked me in every possible ways and never changed his attitude, even became WORSE. After months of abusing me worse, he just left and discarded me while accusing me as a REALLY BAD HOUSEWIFE.
It was YOUR House.
You were not married.
You were GOOD enough to let him live there for a WHOLE year.
How tgen could you be a BAD HOUSEWIFE??
😅
@@Ax.DaEdge exactly. He never contributed financially for the bills or groceries and never helped me with the chores. Just kept saying he loves me and acting like i am very lucky to have him (i should be grateful only for his presence) when i told him he is acting like a very bad boyfriend (he was witholding sex, intimacy, also coming home very late) he became veeeeeery angy and somehow he became the VICTIM. He told me i am a very bad housewife and just left me when i was outside home. I am devastated!!! and still confused.
@@elifnaml6969 Maybe already has'had someone else waiting in the wings. No worries, they will soon find out who and WHAT he is .
He'll be back (The Hoover). DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PUT YOURSELF BACK THROUGH THAT. HE WILL NOT, I REPEAT, WILL NOT CHANGE.
Sorry about the CAPS, but they were necessary to get and hold your attention.
Oh yeah, the meaningless I love you, like it's the only thing I need out of the relationship.
Actions show love, words are too easy.
I would thumbs up this video a million times if I could. My narc starts almost every argument with "We are different people". BEFORE I learned about narcissism, I would defend and explain why we are different people. NOW, when he says how different we are, I say, "And I thank God EVERY DAY that we ARE different!"
You need to be ready to go your own way if you get to this place where they are spiteful. Others around may not get it, but sometimes getting to this point is the only choice. I'm going through this at work, and the main narcissist that is surrounded by "co-narcissists" is hard to navigate, but I am creative and committed to self. I don't want to play their games. I'm done. (I am also at 8 years+ no-contact with an even worse situation and I never looked back.)
I have watched your videos for years, I just heard you mention you are retired now. I have said it before, but Thank you so much for all your contributions that have made clear the dealings with narcissists. It has brought clarity and understanding where once was only pain, confusion and the thought of losing your mind. No more. Self love and peace come with the destruction of a toxic relationship. Thank you for showing so many the way through the darkness to the light at the end of the tunnel. Many Blessings!
I'm happy he still sharing knowledge and wisdom about NARC I knew my ex was 1 before I start watching him,but I hung on 2 months to make sure,he definitely was he had all the signs,if I can help someone about what to watch out for,it can be action or words there always red flags,one day I want to make a page, unfortunately I had a NARC for over 10 years,then ran into another bit but Thank God only 10 months,when you had a narc before you know the signs,thank god
Our nation has been threatened w a blood bath. An appropriate mature response has been posted. My federal supported housing has now being threatened. I am going through agencies. I am doing therapy and will soon be seen at a new clinic as my doctor quit. I'm hanging in and refer others here. Bless Dr C and Team Healthy! 🌹
Man, this happened far too often. Common phrase I heard often was “You hurt me, now I hurt you!” Kept thinking inside, “Is that really how we resolve conflict? By creating more hurt?”
So glad I’m working on being assertive, changing my anger style, and delicately detaching when needed.
Thankful for coming across this channel.
An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind. Especially when the N acts as judge & jury.
Thank you Dr. C for these eye opening videos.
I believe God led me to your videos at the end of my marriage when I begged and prayed for help in understanding why my ex was behaving the way he was. He was cheating on me and becoming more and more abusive emotionally, physically, sexually, and financially. My husband said he loved me but his actions never matched up. I always ended up being the one confused into believing it was my fault -- the gaslighting, projecting, etc he'd do. I didnt recognize it for what it was until I started watching videos on abuse and narcissism. I had never even heard the word before. One of the hardest eye openers with these videos I had to learn was that "they never loved you" and that the love bombing is just part of the abuse cycle and manipulation and brainwashing. I remember praying one day asking God why He abandoned me and begged him to help my ex change. It was shortly after that these videos on narcissism popped up on my phone. I scrolled past several but something kept telling me to click on it and watch it. While watching one of these videos with you, Dr. C., I got an overwhelming feeling and voice in my head and heart that said, "I havent abandoned you and I'm showing you what he is (with the videos). Your husband is not going to change and you need to get out." I really do believe God helped me get out.
Still things I don't understand now in getting out. It has been a hellish nightmare since with my ex manipulating the legal system, playing the victim, abusing my children, and pulling them all back in to where he has them full time. There's some things worse than death -- in knowing your children are being hurt and there's nothing you can do about it. I wish more people were aware of what abuse looks like. Most still don't, even the courts and law enforcement and others that should know, but don't.
I believe God is just and will make it right in the end somehow, but in the meantime its so hard to take one painful breath and day at a time. I'm finding healing and peace within myself but my heart aches for my children in not knowing how to help them. Some people have wondered why I didnt just stay. I understand why some victims do. But mine was getting so abusive physically and even poisoning my food that I had to get out. I believe he would have killed me if I didn't leave. He tried again since I left in sending me more food. He flattened my tires and harrasses and vandalizes and the law wont even listen let alone do anything about it. Im so concerned something worse is going to happen with my children before anyone wakes up to the awful truth. 😢
The truth WILL come to light. Keep praying. 🙏❤️
@@sharinielsen7985 Thank you. I believe that. ❤️
I've watched more videos since on domestic violence and abuse and have read a book by Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." After this I'm starting to wonder if my ex is more of a sociopath than a narcissist, or maybe he's both. They both have a lot of the same traits. One difference he pointed out was that narcissists tend to leave a trail behind them everywhere they go of burning bridges whereas abusers can wear the mask much longer even keeping a job for 30 years and a position in a church etc. for a long time usually just hurting partners and past girlfriends. This describes my ex. Lundy also said abusers are shaped by society, churches, and communities who put men on a patriarchy pedestal. I've definitely seen this with my church who blame the women and tell them they are sinful if they leave or divorce the man. My ex is a master at manipulation and playing the good guy everywhere he goes.
Prayers for you & your children. Sounds just like what I lived through!! Yes! You HAD to get out!! God bless you!
He is a anti-sociol personality. …. aka … a sociopath/psychopath. Stay far far away from him. Take precautions… no contact or grey rock. Get floodlight security cameras (ring). They HATE them! And don’t tell him!! You get him on tape… get restraining order. Get deadbolts, windows sensors, etc… also ring. 24 hours alarm cost last time I looked it up $200 a year. If you have garage put padlock on track of door! When you leave house, make sure to go in house in other door and throw the padlock on track so they can not get in while you are gone. Get pepper spray, take self defense classes. Know the gun laws in your state , get a gun if you feel comfortable with that and learn how to use it! He is out to DESTROY you! Stay diligent, NEVER waiver from your security. Do not associate with anybody that has ANY association with him…. Grey rock with the children that he uses as his spies. Keep ALL of your friends/contact secret from him and their spies…build a new life!!! If you can move away is even better! If and when a guy comes in your life and you have a good solid relationship with that guy. Then your ex, the psycho, will let up on his tactics. Don’t mean to scare you any more than you are, but you need to be wise, know what you are up against, empower yourself, and protect yourself…. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE him!!!
Only spite against you will alleviate their intense hatred and anger inside. The moment one spots a narcissist, its much better to leave the relationship no matter how it seems positive in the beginning. Their evil will eventually emerge, and they have a new target on whom to spew their venom and evil.
My ex Narc has been spiteful since the day we separated 22 years ago. He's a miserable person who lives in his own world. He's not only lost me because of his behaviour, overall feelings of superiority, and need to control - he's lost long term friendships because people just got tired of him treating them so badly. And yet, we're the ones to blame? I don't think so!
Blame mom
It took me to my daughter was almost 40 years old for me to stop hoping she was going to get better, learn to treat me respectfully and not try to control me. About a year ago, after going back into therapy, I decided I was done and her trying to control me by withholding the grandchildren with more than I could bear and that I needed to stop living in hope. Because I came to see that that hope was toxic. I'm back to dancing every day, being out riding my bike and being happy. Not saying it's 100% but most of the time I just tell myself to put my feelings on the shelf and get on with living my life.
Good for you! I can only imagine how difficult it was to let go, but you deserve peace.
Wow. I relate. My daughter is 44. Its hard and à relief at the sale time to accept I cannot deal with the 30 year grudges shes hanging onto because I divorced her narcissist Father. Accepting shes choosing this and I can't change that is what I have to do. I am letting it go.
I'm working on this too...moving forward with the person I choose to be. I'm finding a place of peace and joy..
I'm so sorry to all of you. I know this situation all too well.
Let me say, it's not your fault. They'll say anything, come up with any excuse. We realised we weren't the problem when they cut off everyone else in their life too. We never were told why actually.
It's incredibly painful. But pray and leave it to God.
Also, the grandchildren will be adults one day who can make their own decisions.
I believe there'll be an entire generation of kids who will be angry and upset that they were separated from their grandparents. They'll discuss it with each other, maybe even get legislation changed. They'll help each other find their grandparents and reconnect, raise awareness, voice their anger, because there's a whole movement of this evil. There's so many grandchildren and grandparents who are victims of this.
My sincerest love to you all ❤
@katyb2793 Thank you, it is very wrong to separate grandparents and grandchildren! As you stated, it's painful and heartbreaking. Apart from this, they put a wedge between this relationship because there is love and goodness in it. Ultimately, the desire of narcissistic adult children is your emotional pain and destruction. No matter if the babies are hurt, too. Im sadden by this. But appreciate your uplifting words. Blessings to everyone.
I HAVE A NEW MOTTO FOR MY LIFE JUST SAY NO TO NARCIISST THE SCAPEGOAT HAS LEFT THE BUILDING
Love it
I was just wondering this just yesterday, DrC! I had to pick up some things for the store and while I was out, I witness a young 20ish gal screaming at her dad in the parking lot and her dad keeping his cool and just taking it. It was for sure she wanted everyone in the busy shopping area to hear her but there was no way anyone could tell what she was complaining about. It made me feel bad for both of them and I wondered to myself- what could she possible hope to gain from such stressful behavior for herself, not to mention the dad. It was a sad sight!
Edited for typos
My first reaction here is: When you've been through what you've experienced, you are more attuned to the pain of others. Yes, it was sad...keep your resolve to be the difference maker!
I have 2 younger siblings that are narcissistic. So I knew when I recently had a friend that her true colors came out. I was truly hurt when she asked me to borrow my car to get her drivers license & wanted to go 50 miles down the road instead of 12 miles just because they were friendlier & more laid back. I told her she could use it but her reasons did not justify the extra miles. So she said she would find someone else & just forget it. I wished her good luck & told her when you ask someone for a favor you shouldn’t put stipulations on it. Needless to say we aren’t friends now. I feel free as a bird!!
Being the child of an extremely narcissistic mother (with characteristics of a psychopath/sociopath also) has destroyed my entire life. She’s gone now and the damage she caused still remains in the repeated smear campaigns she led for years, even when I didn’t even live in the same state as her!
2000 miles away wasn’t far enough to be protected from her evil.
A bunch of phonies pretending to like you one day and the other acting like their poop dont smell ... They are soo dumb to think we cant tell when they are pretending to like us ..
Right. If you’re dealing with a covert man it could take years to figure out what the deal is. And then there’s no discussion. It’s his way or the highway and you can’t counter and there’s no compromise. They want drama, and a fight just so they can be right. However my destruction came in the form of his owning the kids. That was why I didn’t divorce until the kids were gone. He trained them to blame me for everything and I had to be the bad guy who said “no”. When I left he was shocked because he still controls them, and now the grandkids are his too. Oh well he could die before me because he’s an alcoholic and then maybe I’ll be invited to a graduation or wedding. Whoppee
I went thru the same with a female covert worse experience in my life by far
I know this feeling. Am going through it right now. Broke contact with someone and they're going out of their way to accuse me of a whole bunch of things to my friends. Luckily. my friends didn't fall for it and are still with me, but that situation really scared me.
This video described exactly how everything has happened to me once I had my moment to call him out. He has treated me terribly. I feel set-up over and over again. It’s so hard to reconcile in my being that nothing I feel or say matters. It’s so hurtful and emotionally exhausting. I can logically see him for what he “is not”, but I struggle to believe in myself enough to exit both a friendship and romantic relationship I have had for so very long. It seems unbearable that he is truly not a good person.
My heart is broken. 💔
Our mother, our 2nd sister, and our middle brother all their lives. Their opposition, manipulation, and projection were and are inexhaustible. At 46 years old I finally, totally walked away and, sure enough, Mom played the "victim of abandonment" even though she never singularly called, visited, or even sent a card to me or my children, and she continued to backbite, lie, and project the shame and embarrassment of who she was, right along with her two golden children, the other narcissists. Living with them was awful.
Very well said! Thank you Mr Carter! I’m happier, strong, and thriving with the narcissistic father of my children out of my personal sphere. I’m Me Myself and I again and loving me!
So pleased for you!
Thank you for this. I can get away from the narcissistic friend . She was never a friend.
They view You are just a piece of equipment that they can use
Ppl say I've changed. I say thank u! GOD gave me a thick back bone & I stand up to narcissist & anyone who think they can talk down to me. GOD helped me to be a King David CHRISTIAN. A Strong warrior who's very compassionate with a big heart, but won't let anyone step all over it!!!
Thank you for all the insight and direction. My adult daughter is narcissistic but she has learned it from her father that I’ve put up with for over 36 years. But it has just been the past 2-3 years that I’ve recognized he is narcissistic, didn’t even know what that was until someone told me that my husband is. But now watching videos and it has dawned on me that my daughter is as well.
Bad news is I haven’t gotten to see 2 of my grandsons for almost a year. ( and she is pregnant now)
I have given it to God and keep praying for all involved.
I adore the fact that little Gus somehow manages to gently not quite lie on his carefully prepared blanket 😂❤ He has made working through a dreadful period manageable xx
MY 50 year old son, never quits blaming me, or my husband. He blames us for stuff we dont even know what he's talking about. Everything is our fault. We are both exhausted with him.
I think what has really helped us is to say, Its not my fault. It's like a weight gets lifted.
Were both struggling but are reaching out, holding on to the peace we haven't had in decades.
Knowledge is power.
My daughter is the same 😏
They can definitely make us feel like we are imagining things about their behavior toward us
Never-ending gaslighting.
Like the old saying,” Misery loves company.”
I found out that documented evidences against narcissist is the best tool to make him or her get on their knees and dealing with him with no mercy.
"When I look into your eyes; I see a Paradise [pair of dice]" =Snake Eyes
Thank you Dr. C for all your helpful videos. I have been verbally abused by my partner for 4 years and I cower in a corner like a helpless mouse every time he goes into his violent rages, terrified he'll take my life, as he's promised all these years. He told me my life will be history. He's already pointed his loaded hand gun at me in my stomach, hoping it would go off to get rid of me, and claim his innocence. I should have reported that to the police, but I am terrified of him. I'm in the process of trying to escape safely before I lose my sanity. Please keep me in your prayers.
Connie, bless you. I'm asking for Archangel Michael and the angels to surround you and keep you safe. I am so sorry you have been going through this for so long. Please hang in there and get out safely and quickly okay? You are loved. You are love.
The.... Well you.....and... No I'm not...... To create drama.. I'm sick of it. They want negstive failure of everything. Even their own behavior creates failure for themselves. As long as they can blame you.
They called me crazy and my family members "Nazi scumbags."
That's what I got for wanting to be their friend.
Typical liberal Narcissistic trash....stay away from liberals at all possible
Everyone you dislike is not a narcissist. Some people are understandably pissed at others' bad behavior.
This ist Your apology and explanation?...
Thank you so much. I am currently divorcing my narcicsist after 11 years of marriage and silent narc abuse. He is throwing a lot of low blows at me. I have now become the terrible person that he is touting me to be, so he thinks🌝. If not for you and others talking about narcissism, I would be absolutely shattered by this experience. It can be life shattering, but when you know you are dealing with demons, you know how to fight back and eventually get your life back. Thank you.
Best wishes to you as you make your way forward, I'm pulling for you!!
I hope your throat is feeling better. I feel bad that you suffered to make this video for us to help us heal. I'm returning healing wishes to you. 💗❣️💗❣️💗
He held my clothes hostage when I got my own place. When my Mum died, he told her landlord that he was my brother and he got into her place before me. He took our childhood photos, government papers, and letters my Dad sent to my Mum. He held those things hostage as well. He insisted on being in the hospice when Mum was on her deathbed. I'd pinned a cross on her gown, and he stole it while I wasn't in the room. I did get that back because I finally had the nerve to stand up to him. He just won't stay out of my business.
Dr C, you are such a comfort to me. I breathe a sigh of relief every time you touch on exactly what I'm going through; I no longer feel like I'm delusional. I shared one of your videos with a family member and it was so informative and insightful for my family. They said, wow it's everything you've been telling us about your spouse!
Thank you so much 🎉
If you're living with one of these devils....run as fast as you can!!!! Get gone before you get destroyed. I know what I am talking about!😢
Thank you friend! We are in the process of getting divorced right now and you are so correct bc I reached the end of my rope with him. He's just awful and I know now that he is not good for my health. I'm looking forward to new beginnings.
You are so welcome. Glad to be on the path with you.