How To Deal With A Defensive Partner
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- čas přidán 31. 07. 2022
- How To Deal With A Defensive Partner - Are you defensive? Is your partner defensive? If so, this video is for you! :-) In this video I share helpful strategies that you can use to work past defenses that exist in your relationship!
Defensiveness is really important to understand because defensiveness is responsible for one of the top issues that couples face in their relationships. So understanding defensiveness and the impact it can have on your relationship is extremely important!
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Yea, man, thanks, glad I looked this up. My partner is me! haha I just realised that there is a big defensive child in me and offering it validation, apology and affirmation seems to help open up a channel for conversation and soothing out the (mis)perceived hurt. It's like I'm defending my own right to be hurt, as a result of it not being seen by others (as if they are mind readers!). Having only recently learned that I can validate myself, not only can but do - I am the only one who can and does validate myself, I seem to have opened a door to soothing this little hurt girl. So she can be seen - by me - the only one that really matters. Cheers!
I love this line: " I seem to have opened a door to soothing this little hurt girl. So she can be seen - by me - the only one that really matters." That is a beautiful insight and sentiment! Well done! The healing you are describing is powerful. I'm so happy for you. Thank you for watching!
I’ve mentioned to my partner that she becomes defensive during conflict and she became more angry and even more defensive. I’ve learnt that validation and calmness is the most effective to get through to her. Maybe conflict would have been even more calm if I included affirmation. Great video. Thank you 🙏🏻
I don’t think apologizing to a partner when I’m not the cause is a proper response, as that will cause a pattern of the need for my apologies and encourage the person to not identify themselves as the cause. Defensiveness lives in non-reality, combined with denial…as defensiveness is never alone.
Thank you for watching and for your comment! I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. Take a look at the video at time 6:41 where I talk a little about how to use an apology when you feel you might NOT be in the wrong. I agree with you, when using an apology we definitely don't want to insinuate personal responsibility for our partner's bad behavior. That could absolutely develop a problematic feedback loop. However, an apology can still be very helpful. In these circumstances, the type of apology to use is one that acknowledges their experience and expresses sorrow, sadness, sympathy, etc. for what they might be going through as someone you love and care for, such as the example in this video at time stamp 7:30, "I'm so sorry you feel like you don't matter to me". This apology is simply helping to reduce defensiveness in my partner and displaying my love and compassion for my partner vs accepting personal blame for an issue I am not responsible for. If my partner is perceiving me as an enemy during a conflict, my efforts to make a sincere apology in this manner will give them a better chance of seeing/understanding me differently. If I respond with defensiveness (e.g. "Don't put that on me, that wasn't me. That was all you!") I accidentally increase the likelihood that they remain defensive; even if the statement that I am making is accurate.
I love the discussion! Thank you again for sharing! You might also enjoy these videos:
How To Effectively Offer Validation: czcams.com/video/71fA95_J8BY/video.html
How To Communicate Your Way to Greater Connection In Your Marriage: czcams.com/video/AroziKAtGOM/video.html
Feedback Loops: How They Impact Your Marriage: czcams.com/video/HgDB4pg6iak/video.html
Save Your Relationship From Gridlock: czcams.com/video/Kt6cHR7W6Jw/video.html
[Important disclaimer :-) The information provided herein is solely intended for informational and educational purposes, and the views expressed herein or in any related content should not be taken for therapeutic, psychological, psychiatric, medical, relational, and/or legal advice. Always consult your primary physician before making any decisions related to your health and wellness. This information is not intended for relationships wherein any form of abuse or active infidelity is occuring.]
Sounds like a good way to facilitate abusers & turn already bad communication into even more obfuscated communication, and build resentment and contempt when they agree with the part that blames the person who just apologized....
i agree, for fifty years, my mother would give me the silent treatment whenever I disappoint her/challenged her/expressed a need/or gave a tiny bit of feedback. That *silence* (which used to make me feel sick) would go on until I said ''um sorry, I didn't mean to upset you'' and then I tried to say ''however I do need to ask you not t..'' NO, she shut that down. She'd take my olive branch and then silence me. So that went on until I was 50. She has been giving me the cold shoulder for four years now because she knows she's lost control of me. It's like she doesn't want a daughter if that daughter doesn't reflect back her view of herself.
It is so easy for me to get prideful and self righteous when my partner gets defensive and I know that is unhelpful. I need this on que cards to keep me focused on what I really want during the conversation: to reach my partner.
I love your perspective! Well done trying to remain focused on what you are really after during the conversation - to reach your partner! Love it!
What if you use soft approaches with your partner, validate and it still turns into defensiveness? Sometimes I get so lost. My partner wont allow me to finish my sentences without jumping in before I can validate him. I have been recording our conversations for a few years. I just got brave enough to go back to them and type them out. I needed to visually see if I was perceiving it correctly or if it was me that had it all wrong. After typing out 12 minutes of conversation, he spoke for about 8 minutes where I spoke about 4 with constant interruptions. Most of it is me going into auto pilot it sounds like. I just keep starting with, "That's not what I meant, what I... and then I would get cut off. There was even a moment where he said "Why cant you start with something nice or ever say you understand my side... and I was like "I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO SPEAK"... ugh it was just exhausting. I feel like no amount of positive, validation stops a defensive person from eventually being defensive in the conversation which never gives a real conclusion at the end. My processing speed is below average, so its hard after being interrupted so much to remember where I was at or what I should start an answer off with in order to give more validation. He wont do therapy. I have my own therapy. I research and work on what I can in myself. He really is a great guy ANY OTHER TIME but his fear of taking any blame is scary. His personality seems to flip.
Thank you for your comments! I'm so sorry about the situation you are facing. It sounds very difficult and complicated. A healthy relationship requires work from both partners. One of the hardest dynamics couples can face is a partner who is incapable of, or unwilling to do, the work to gain self-awareness and grow toward greater health. It sounds like you have done some tremendous work on yourself and that you continue to invest in your own wellness. I applaud you for that! Keep it up! I'm grateful that he is good to you "ANY OTHER TIME" and I hope in time he can learn to be less afraid of personal responsibility. I hope your therapist can continue to be helpful to you in discerning healthy expectations and boundaries in the relationship while you grow and heal yourself. Thank you again, for watching and commenting! Best wishes!
[Important disclaimer :-) The information provided herein is solely intended for informational and educational purposes, and the views expressed herein or in any related content should not be taken for therapeutic, psychological, psychiatric, medical, relational, and/or legal advice. Always consult your primary physician before making any decisions related to your health and wellness. This information is not intended for relationships wherein any form of abuse or active infidelity is occurring.]
I wouldn't tolerate this from a partner. I'd say, cheerio. But when it's your mother, it's very hard.
Very well explained! ❤
We're glad you enjoyed it! Thank you so much for watching!
Wow, this video really helped me to be able to have a more positive perspective on how to handle my husband's defensiveness. Sometimes I feel as if I'm walking on eggshells with him. Thanks So Much!
Thank you for watching! I'm glad it was helpful to you.
A man being defensive? WTH are y'all dating?! Defensiveness is a childish response to being held accountable. This is something I've only ever seen in women. For a man to do that, he'd have to be childish or have some feminine tendencies.
I am beyond this point. Our relationship is negative in my life.
My partner has bpd, but our main issue related to that diagnosis is her constant defensiveness and anger. It has worn me down
I can't possibly apologize for anything anymore. I can't listen to how I'm always in the wrong when she is completely unable to ever understand my perspective, or care for my feelings.
I'm so close to done, I just wish she could see that and try to change her constant defensive behavior.
I shouldn't be mistreated for saying I feel undervalued.
Thank you for sharing. Your situation sounds extremely difficult. I'm glad that you realize that you deserve to be treated with respect and value, and that you are considering steps that you can take to create healthy boundaries and protect yourself from harm. Thank you for watching.
Super brilliant.
My partner had an affair... And rather being kind, understanding, and loving and taking responsibility for his behavior he gets defensive. Actually every time I open my mouth no matter what I say he bites back at me. He cuts my character down, he insults me, and basically says that if he is understanding of my feelings that makes him a pussy. 🤷♀️
You are describing a very difficult situation. It is already concerning that he had an affair, but then to show you little remorse and instead belittle and mock you for your feelings... not ok. There needs to be more humility and respect in the relationship. Healthy relationships need trust, accountability, genuine love, fidelity, sacrifice, forgiveness, and selfless giving from both partners. What you decide next in the relationship will be very important. You don't want to teach him that it is ok to dismiss your experience. Consider seeking the help of a relationship specialist in making these important decisions.
[Important disclaimer :-) The information provided herein is solely intended for informational and educational purposes, and the views expressed herein or in any related content should not be taken for therapeutic, psychological, psychiatric, medical, relational, and/or legal advice. Always consult your primary physician before making any decisions related to your health and wellness. This information is not intended for relationships wherein any form of abuse or active infidelity is occurring.]
It’s really sad to hear that your partner didn’t have the quality of character to work through his own insecurities. I hope you have support in your life so that you know how important you are and to support you as you heal ❤️
thanks!
Thank you for watching!
Thanks for the video. It helped me understand how to reach my partner with a better approach
Thank you for your comment! I'm happy to hear that it was helpful to you. Thanks for watching!
My only problem with giving an apology when one isn’t owed is she literally detects it. She knows she isnt owed an apology and says I’m kissing her ass
Yes, that can be the case sometimes, that a person, like your partner, recognizes their destructive behavior and has awareness that the conflict is mostly their fault. In that situation, asking them more directly to be accountable for their behavior can sometimes be helpful. Still apply the communication strategies in the video, but you might try placing more emphasis on, "I love you and it's hard to be close to you when you act this way. Thank you for seeing it. Will you please take a few minutes to breathe and we can then try again?"
[Important disclaimer :-) The information provided herein is solely intended for informational and educational purposes, and the views expressed herein or in any related content should not be taken for therapeutic, psychological, psychiatric, medical, relational, and/or legal advice. Always consult your primary physician before making any decisions related to your health and wellness. This information is not intended for relationships wherein any form of abuse or active infidelity is occurring.]
And when you do all this and they still have a problem with everything you say? When you pour your heart out calmly and respectfully and they still get mad and hateful with you?
Yes, what you are describing sounds very difficult, and in most cases, it means that you are in a relationship with an individual that is quite unhealthy. The strategies shared in this video are to help you give the relationship the best chance for success, but you are only one side of the equation. A relationship can only be as healthy as the two people in it. What you describe sounds like your partner may have some individual work that they need to do before they can respond in healthy ways to your healthy efforts. An ideal situation would be your partner becoming open to doing some work with a professional. Thank you for watching and commenting!
[Important disclaimer :-) The information provided herein is solely intended for informational and educational purposes, and the views expressed herein or in any related content should not be taken for therapeutic, psychological, psychiatric, medical, relational, and/or legal advice. Always consult your primary physician before making any decisions related to your health and wellness. This information is not intended for relationships wherein any form of abuse or active infidelity is occurring.]
Is it a good idea to show this video to my partner who has a problem with defensiveness without being fully aware of it ?
Thank you for watching! This is a great question. People typically find that attempts to confront their partner about being defensive usually just leads to their partner being more defensive! It can be so frustrating! Instead, a better place to start is usually to practice validation. When a person feels heard and understood, their wall will naturally begin to come down. When their defensive walls are down you will likely be more successful in communicating with them about the experience you are having. When it comes to communicating about the hard things in the relationship, you may find it helpful to check out my communication playlist: czcams.com/play/PL1oKBj8VNA1pecYsH5buL3CMHLzNZWEI_.html Also, I designed the following advanced courses for individuals wanting to learn how to communicate through difficult circumstances in their relationship, so check those out: renew-love.teachable.com/p/home Finally, it's important to remember that not every partner or relationship is the same, however, and every circumstance can be unique. Because of that, I always suggest consulting with a professional who knows both you and your partner first so that they can provide you the best advice on a pathway forward.
[Important disclaimer :-) The information provided herein is solely intended for informational and educational purposes, and the views expressed herein or in any related content should not be taken for therapeutic, psychological, psychiatric, medical, relational, and/or legal advice. Always consult your primary physician before making any decisions related to your health and wellness. This information is not intended for relationships wherein any form of abuse or active infidelity is occuring.]
A little over simplified for some more drastic partner defensiveness. .... like my wife
Yes, defensiveness can sometimes build so strongly in a relationship that it becomes almost impossible for both partners to communicate with one another. In those situations, seeking the help of a trained professional (relationship counseling, communication mediation, etc.) often becomes necessary. Thank you for watching!
[Important disclaimer :-) The information provided herein is solely intended for informational and educational purposes, and the views expressed herein or in any related content should not be taken for therapeutic, psychological, psychiatric, medical, relational, and/or legal advice. Always consult your primary physician before making any decisions related to your health and wellness. This information is not intended for relationships wherein any form of abuse or active infidelity is occurring.]
This sounds like emotional manipulation for some reason
Thank you for watching, and for your comment! The goal definitely isn't to be manipulative, rather the goal is to help deescalate defensive emotion in your partner. Sincerity is very important when interacting with a defensive person. Your goal is to help them feel heard and understood in order to increase the likelihood that they will hear and understand you. The goal is that over time they will be less and less defensive, and more and more able to consider your experience. I hope that helps!
[Important disclaimer :-) The information provided herein is solely intended for informational and educational purposes, and the views expressed herein or in any related content should not be taken for therapeutic, psychological, psychiatric, medical, relational, and/or legal advice. Always consult your primary physician before making any decisions related to your health and wellness. This information is not intended for relationships wherein any form of abuse or active infidelity is occurring.]