Self-Deception 23/30 The Problem of Not Knowing You Have a Problem
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- čas přidán 3. 08. 2024
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Self-deception is the problem of not knowing that you have a problem. If you don’t know you have a problem, is it possible to change it? Yes, it is. And in this video, I’ll show you how.
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Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC, and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
About Me:
I’m Emma McAdam. I’m a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I have worked in various settings of change and growth since 2004. My experience includes juvenile corrections, adventure therapy programs, wilderness therapy programs, an eating disorder treatment center, a residential treatment center, and I currently work in an outpatient therapy clinic.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.
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You can deceive yourself thinking someones trying to hurt you when they really aren't; the reverse is true too, you can think someone is your friend and looking out for you when in reality they don't like you at all.
And that’s where it gets tricky cause that why I do it in the first place - it’s protection against ppl I think are safe that aren’t. 😪
Wow! You’re the perfect example of when the student is ready the teacher will appear. Thank you and God bless you for living your faith💕🙏🏽
Me too, Marvina! I am really struggling with something tonight and am now trying to examine it in the light of self-deception. Thank you, Emma for helping me and all of us get better.
This woman's channel is such a gift. Thank you for your help. I've never had a channel impact me so much. I learn everyday and accept myself as I am. God bless you.
Woman's Channel! I love this! I'm a man and I love rock climbing, dirt biking, etc.
God bless you . Same for me
I agree she is amazing and is helping me so much
i do this for sure, but also the exact opposite. self-deception where I make myself the villain. this often takes the form of taking inappropriate responsibility, blaming myself, believing im bad and that other's bad feelings or experiences are my fault.
Literally people need these videos rather than motivational ones. You are doing great work ma'am by sharing it for free. Salute to you ❤️
Great comment..I think Quotes leave people hanging.. Thinking they know it All..but this videos dig deeper👍
My mom has borderline, so she often did her best to self-deceive and justify her anger and aggressive behaviors. I often thought of myself as the victim and justified my anger and aggressiveness as a reaction to hers. I thought "she needs to change", and after a long time I finally see that even tho a lot of times she was hard to deal with, so was I. Her anger didn't justify mine, and my desire to help her didn't make me purely good. Both of us are human, and both of us have flaws and virtues. I'm a lot happier since I tell myself the truth, and instead of investing energy in lying to myself, I aim to accept and correct my mistakes. I have realized that compassion, truth, and humility cannot be separated. I love more the human me rather than the perfect and false me. You cannot love a lie because as Simone Weil would think: love has an spirit of veracity. Love can only seek to love with truth.
My sister says I was an IDEAL DAUGHTER. In fact many women would often say they wish they could have me for a daughter. Perpetrator. Gang stalker
Just another gang stalking tactic to make me look bad🤬
To make you low lives feel better. Jealousy is a strong thing, I see
I have anger problem; I felt like my friends were distancing themselves from me because they were jerks, when in reality I was the jerk.
That's a good example, it's easy to see self-deception in others but hard to see it in ourselves, so taking a humble stance where you're willing to make changes, willing to honestly try (don't label yourself either) can make a big difference
Thanks for recognizing and owning your deeds.
In my experience, anger tends to be favored over sadness in boys/men by society. It’s not you being angry, you were taught not be vulnerable or sad because it was seen as a weakness. Lean into those feelings when you’re feeling angry and you may discover you’re just upset and need support. Don’t push away when you can open up. Good luck my friend.
I would also recomend a book of Jon Frederickson: The Lies We Tell Ourselves: How to Face the Truth, Accept Yourself, and Create a Better Life
i doubt a liar will help me and there is something like a help (rather hidden aggression, lies thrown awkwardly on others) ... or making lies bigger helps to see them? or are that just another excuses and hypocrisy?
Üdie p
ebbenielsen7
I don't understand your comment.
- whatever? did i say you shall understand anything? would you obey me like a Hitler, you like to obey people like a slave? words are lies, if you believe them, it isnt my fault ... my fault is i still use them and promise salvation of them, which is true, because lies lead to grave, salvation is refusing yourself, reality, life ... luckily, lies arent real ...
Who says that a liar can help you?
- the liar? who other would talk about help? than an irresponsible unconscious liar, border personality disorder ... luckily, lies arent real ...
Or do you consider Jon Frederickson to be a liar? Or what?
- no, lies arent real, that someone lies, doesnt mean he is a liar, but that you lie, when you deal with lies, because there is no reason for it - lies arent real ...
W
I’ll check that out. Thanks!
She confirmed what I suspected is a bad habit I had which I have not been able to pin down to self deception. My own solution to change this negative habit was to immediately stop the negative line of thoughts and tell myself these thoughts are wrong. After working hard on this, I have been able to greatly reduce this negative habit. Thank you so much.
She's so intelligent and explains things perfectly so I understand them!
Its clearly a man dummy
Ur born with an xx chromosome or xy
i think these are lies when you like them ... but that something is unpleasant doesnt mean it is necesarrily true ... especially when people want to make sure it is true with unpleasant form ... it is prejudice ...
i dont think you can understand, controll something this, unconscious way ... or is it your journey? or it is also an excuse for keeping stupid lies for no reason?
I cannot believe that this content is free, thank you so so soooo much 😢❤❤❤
I’m working on not lying to myself and others.
I was very self deceptive for the first 19 years of my life. It took a breakup (that I’m still going through btw) to make me realize I had a lot of self improvement to work on
How are you right now? Kind of in the same shoes haha
10:14 Generally we don’t need a reason to do the right thing.
We only need a reason when we’ve done something wrong.
when you excuse (on a reason), you know you do something wrong?
so my question: why she pushes herself or rather "her" impersonal non-existent lies to others?
It's hard to find a balance between recognizing when you're wrong vs thinking you are always wrong. For me, when I feel guilt in a situation, I instantly shut that feeling down because in the past I had (and maybe still have) the habit of being very hard on myself for my mistakes or being overly critical of myself - which led to a downward spiral. I do find that i deceive myself in some situations, but the alternative of feeling responsible for all the wrong in every situation seems so much worse to me, that I would rather deceive myself into believing it's not my fault, than feel that I am at fault all the time which would trigger me.
Now I am confused - do I put myself at fault or do I forgive myself for my faults?
I hope you''re in a better place than a year ago. But I also hope that means that you've found balance. That you can accept that you are not perfect and that some things and behaviors are not what you'd like them to be because of you and others are not. That you can own your faults and flaws and apologize for them, even to yourself, and move forward with new knowledge that there's a weakness there that needs to be worked on and shored up with stronger positive healthy actions and responses. When healthy in mind and emotions, we should be able to acknowledge the things we've done that caused calamity or harm, make amends, and move forward striving not to repeat the unwanted behavior without bullying ourselves about it. Guilt is an acknowledgment to help us make adjustments. It's not meant to be a stumbling block that stops us from healthy and positive behaviors and thoughts. All the best to you
Exactly.
Love this ladies voice, mannerisms and delivery
Its clearly a man
Being a recovering addict and raised by an addict now raising an addict, it takes a long time to learn how we deceive ourselves. It’s helpful to have a person who you can be honest with and who can help guide you through the layers of self deception. I love your channel and the guests you have had. The child hood fairy. I hope some day I can afford to pay for the courses you offer. God bless you Emma 🙏❤️🙏
You put things so beautifully, It all makes sense to me.
Glad it was helpful :)
Was waiting for this!! I love this channel, especially this 30 part series. It’s such a big help. I’m able to use the skills as second nature more and more. Yay for improvement!
Great to hear!
Oh my gosh this so explains my last relationship and what was going on with him. How such a seemingly nice person could turn so volatile, blaming and inconsiderate. Thank you for explaining.
This was profoundly illuminating and I loved the book recommendation! I have noticed a lot of self deception in myself during these last few years of healing, maturing and becoming. Thank you for your blessed contribution 🤍🙏🌹
Thank you for all your videos! So well done. I love this topic of self deception! Most people including myself can't see their own problems.
I needed this. I'm finally free from the monster I've been making myself.
I try to watch a video a day, and it's definitely time we'll spent, a truly noble service 😊 thx!
You're absolutely amazing and I am so grateful for you. You completely changed my way of thinking and really helped me go through the necessities of really changing myself to the person I already am, but just got lost in the trauma in my life. I didn't realize how much I put myself into these rabbit holes until you. The fact that you given us this resource for people who can't go to therapy is just a God sent gift. I am so so grateful. I am 20 and I have learned so much to change my family generational mental illnesses and to not have the way they taught me to become my fate. Just thank you tremendously from the bottom of my heart. God bless you :)
I have been in therapy for over six years and your chanel has given me more insight than any other therapist I’ve ever had. You are helping change lives, thank you
This is soooo hard.Like breaking a wild horse...fighting against the prics🐎!!! But practice makes perfect...let go...breath. Just do what's right leads to happiness❤👍
The Anatomy of Peace is the best ‘self help’ book I have ever read. Yet I can never find it on lists of life-changing books. Anyone considering giving it a try, do it!
Question: Some people with Trauma always or a lot of times blame themselves and the question is how to differentiate the self-deception from blaming yourself for things that are not your fault or that it‘s truely on the other person. Because when you‘re so used to self-blaming you can find a lot of reasons for every situation to be your fault 🙈🤷♀️😬
Yep. I'm realising that I've done this so much in my life and man it hurts. Taken blame for things or not stood up for myself because I figured I was missing a detail and would be in the wrong anyway so what's the point, I'll just let it slide. I gaslit myself into thinking I wasn't worthy of standing up for my self because I had little self worth, that if I honoured myself then that would push people away and because I derived my worth from others more than myself, my nervous system chose the safest route. And some people around me kinda fostered that and took advantage of it and I became a doormat. It's all holdovers from childhood, it was like I was using old rusty tools to maintain my life instead of getting new and refined ones to do a better job now that I'm an adult. The rusty tools are familiar but dangerous and ineffective and don't serve me anymore. The new ones are fancy and weird and take a bit longer to get used to. At times I want to go back and use the old ones because I know how they work but I know they won't actually get me where I wanna be. Growth is hard but I'll be damned if I'm going back to how I was.
So relate to this! I decide whatever goes wrong is my fault before it even happens!
Yeah I was also thinking that this video is not particularly helpful for people surrounded by toxic/abusive family members, who are regularly gaslighting, triangulating, smear-campaigning, scapegoating and victim-blaming to make them out to be at fault for everything. It just sort of supports the abusers?
If I could give your explanations a hundred likes, I would. Beautifully done. Enormously helpful. Thankyou.
I hate overthinking stuff and making problems out of nowhere or getting sad or depressed by things that MIGHT happen, but did not happen yet. This probably makes the bad outcome even more likely... Same when I talk with someone in my mind and then I forget what I wanted to say to them in real life since I already said that in my mind... Don't know how to fix that, I try my best to just stop thinking but that's not great as well
Hello. It is Mind boggling that that is what WE do to ourselves. I have therapy most of MY life! I thank God for that option! I put myself there, I had too! My childhood was TUFF, i also stuttered as a KID, quite a obstacle!!! Still is a pinch! I'm 75 now ! This life is a learning process and if WE dont learn that WE are screwed! DECEPTION! Mind boggling!! THANK YOU!
Dear Emma, You are a great example a mental health professional. ‘ here’s what I mean by that and why it’s important. Some of us have a negative image of mental health providers, which keeps us from getting the help we need. But you are kind, helpful, honest, professional and firm. By being the person you are, you help us seriously consider getting the help we need because you yourself are such a positive example of what a good therapist can be. So thank you much 🙂
Like the sound qualities.
Yes I went through this yesterday with a few people who were rude and it ruined my whole day.
Amazing how you are always able to put into words exactly what I need to hear. Bless you!
This was top notch. Thank you. I see myself.
This woman is amazing.
As a teen who’s been trying self therapy, I’m glad this was the first video I stopped by.
I hope I can return to this with better results, I really liked this tip and appreciate that I wasn’t told to just “do more.”
Thank you so much for this! I feel like this is one of the missing pieces for me!
I can relate perfectly to this topic. Thank you for these talks!!
This is so well put, but as someone who has been gaslit and abused, some of this advice can be a little misleading in that situation. It’s hard for me to know what is right, sometimes, and it was very hard when I had had less therapy and couldn’t hear my own voice, only that of my abuser. For example I have had to make lists of events that happened to stay in touch with reality, not because I’ve been deceiving myself, but now you have me worried. Maybe there’s a way you can add on to this in the future in light of that specific situation. People who have an unhealthy level of selflessness may feel that self sacrifice is the only “right” way to be, but don’t know why they are hurting so much or so depressed.
This video totally changed my day and hopefully my life! Thank you!!
Being devoted to truth, this video is a nugget of gold.
I have BPD and I have struggled a LOT in the past (and even sometimes now) with self-deception. Thank you for sharing this video!!
In the moments when we're seething in righteous indignation, it can feel so so comforting to allow ourselves to stay in that headspace and also just get deeper and deeper into it. And for that split second it can feel so painful to get ourselves back to reality.
When we see things clearly it's like water has been suddenly poured over a roaring flame. It is hard to face this feeling and not settle into reassuring lies where we are the 'good' and someone in particular or even everyone is 'bad'/'deliusional' and by extension 'less human' than me. I've seen this in others and have gradually learnt to to see this in me.
I am so glad that i am able to do this more and more easily over time. It's never a good feeling to realise 'oh, I've also been such an as**ole so frequently' but then i realise and I don't want to be that way anymore and it's in my hands to do better.
I appreciate your generous teachings 🧡 with such depth and insight.
You are so gifted for presenting this material. Thank you!
This is brilliant...I am impressed with your ability to explain this, it's very important stuff!
I luv the clear cut advice on the what to do's to resolve it, instead of only explaining it. Thank you
So insightful! You are so eloquent and clear when communicating these complex topics 👏🏻 Thank you and great job 🙌🏼
Emma, you're an angel.
you do such great work that helps so many, thank you. some people are doing exactly what they are meant to do and you are on it. love your podcasts too, but seeing you brightens my day.
Your videos are so helpful Emma! I thoroughly enjoy each video. Thank you for doing this! 🤗
Thank you for making it easy and clear. Thanks for a great message.
I LOVE your channel! it has really useful information. It is an inspiration as well. Thank you
Thank you for this! I’m dealing with major deception from myself and working towards my goals is making this obvious as to what is really holding me back , myself! TYVM for your excellent info :)
Thank you for sharing your knowledge Emma.
Glad i found this channel, very helpful this person has a great way of explaining things.
Thank you so much for making this video!
This is so helpful. Thank you for sharing this
Thank you for all your videos. Thank you for showing me another perspective on things so i can see myself as human and not as the terrible person that my depression keeps telling me I am.
I really appreciate you!
Ma'am, I just wanted to let you know: YOU ARE AMAZING! 💕
I thank God for your channel 🙏
The list of signs is so helpful! Thank you.
She’s amazing!
Its a man idiot
Thank you so much for putting this information out here. It’s been very helpful and life changing
Emma, I love your videos. I think they’re a great resource for anyone who wants to understand themselves better, and as a fellow counselor, your insights are really helpful to me as you use a lexicon that is very understandable. You recommended the book “The Anatomy of Peace” and I knew I needed to read it. What a fantastic resource! I read it in less than a day and could hardly put it down. I’ve been searching forever (it seems!) for the right lexicon to come along to help be better help clients create a foundation around freedom of choice and the natural fallout of any choice. Thanks for the book recommendation! I encourage anyone reading this to buy the paperback and go for it. It’s definitely hard to put down!
The tips you provided for identifying self deception are simple and easy to follow, thanks for including them! Very helpful information and advice, expertly presented 👍🏻
Glad it was helpful!
Hi Emma, I truly appreciated all your mental health videos. You are changing so many lives positively everyday. You are a gift to humanity. Thank you so much for taking so much out of your time and working so hard to create these videos.
Thank you so much I really needed to hear this .xx
Glad it was helpful!
One Million Percent!!! Glory Glory HalleluYAH.......The Truth is marching on!
Very informative and straight to the point. Thank you. 🌻
You're doing a good thing here
"why are all my bosses bad at communicating" - that one actually hit hard. I have definitely deceived myself when it comes to performance at work and uni. I'll know that I messed something up or could have done better, but then I'll think, "well so-and-so could have done it, why am I doing it" or "if ___ had done better, my work could be better too", "gosh everyone here sucks, I'm actually too good for this job". Then I bask in my feelings of superiority while looking down on everyone else for literally no reason. But in the end my problems persist, because it's all self-deception.
This was brilliant. Thank you.
This helped a lot, thank you. I should not use other people's problems to justify my own.
the teachings and practices in all of videos resonates within the Buddhist philosophy❤❤❤ thank you so much for simpler and clearer explanation
Thank you, for this sobering video! I have work to do.
wow.... what a mindblowing content... life changing.... n worth watching again and again untill each sentence seeps deep into the mind... thanks for mentioning the books... u r an angel my dear.... rendering real help!!!
I am so grateful!..God Bless u and all you care about.
Very good ! Thank you for this amazing content. It is so helpful for me. In between my therapy sessions and church services and when I am going through what I'm going through now with an upper respiratory infection. I always get so frustrated when I'm sick. Because I have to take care of my responsibilities.
@Jillian Ogle - Very True. I was in a similar situation and I bought into all sorts of narratives to make me feel better till I started getting to the root cause of the problem and through hypnotherapy tried to work my out of that past childhood trauma and slowly everything shifted in my mind.
Still working on myself through watching these videos and actioning them in real life and also through reprogramming of my subconscious mind which had many false beliefs. Wish you all the courage and strength to go on this journey of self repair and come out a winner.🙏
Thank you for making this video
This is another video I'm afraid to watch because I feel like it will validate the intrusive thoughts that tell my I'm lying to myself about my fears and that the thoughts are true. OCD sucks.
Every time I’ve sat back and avoided something, when I finally leaned in, it’s empowering. Expanding your perception is not going to limit you. Quite the opposite, you’ll have more freedom of movement internally and externally.
You got it if you want it, just gotta reach.
Oh my goodness, I was literally just scanning the comments to figure out if this was going to send me into a spiral, hahaha. Look, at least we’re not alone. And she’s not talking about us with this, or at least not about our OCD fears. We’ve got different stuff going on.
OHMG ISTG I AM WITH YOU ON THIS
@@PsychoSk8r4bg you're right but it isn't that easy for a lot of us. Intrusive thoughts are scary and assuaging them in a bitch
Well more than that what if you still know you have a problem but still? Wait a second. Death and dying are two different things.
How this woman hasn't received a Nobel prize yet is beyond me.
This is an EXCELLENT summary. Thank you!
This is me to a T. Thank you for the clarity. Looking forward to change
This is what the 4th step in the 12 step program I participate in does. It forced me to take an inventory around all of the resentments that I had. It's a long story, but I have made more gains emotionally in the last month with your help Emma than I have in almost 4 years of being sober and working a program. Thank you :)
Can I ask which of Emmas videos you fucosed on most.
@@heartspacerelaxations6924 sure, I have been working on processing emotions. I am on my second time through all 30 videos
This is a constant battle with me, creating scenarios to establish Peace with my Former Wife. I start with great moral intentions only to end up hurt and angry. We have experienced great moments and seasons where there is happiness, laughter and peace and then just like that, it’s gone leaving me frustrated as if I had done something wrong
Brilliant work. Thank you so much!
This is a wonderful gift.
Very true. I didn't realise this was the term for it. I used to self-deceive myself (especially during work) and I'm trying to grow out of that.
Thankyou sooo much for helping me ❤️
Thanks for the wonderful channel!
And this is totally something I have to work on.
Until now I always had this thought on my mind that I know how to deal with it and so I can figure out all by myself. How ego centric of me ! :D but I am happy that now I want to learn and take help, listen to those who have been through it and are going through it.
I am thankful to all your videos, literally all of them they are so calming and informative at the same time. 🌝💙
The more real world version of that scenario is that the other party is the one who lobs accusation and guilt molatovs at you which is what triggers the very human response of ducking under your shield and then coming over the top with your sword drawn and aimed at your attacker.
100% spot on with your comment. There’s only so much a human brain and heart can take before “all power to shields” has to come up to protect whatever little is left inside of you. I’m not sure I have the capacity to be sweet and loving and vulnerable with the person who takes it for granted and abuses the kindness. I’m certainly not that good of a human right now. I just can’t pull out the red carpet nowadays. I’m not aggressive, I just don’t pull out the red carpet like I did for many years. And I do feel like it challenges my integrity because I am able to be perfectly kind to everyone else - I just can’t there. I’m stuck. By her definition, I’m in self-deception. 😳🥺
Found something I am good at
😂 right?!?! 🤦
WOW! Emma, you can pack so much “meat” into your videos to “chew” on! This explains so much about how my avoidant personality husband “turned” on me, made me the villain and had an affair! It also helps me to see how I’m reacting to the pain his actions has caused me. Thank you!