What Are the Boundaries Between Selfishness and Self-Care?
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- čas přidán 2. 03. 2023
- At the London, Ontario stop of Dr Peterson's Beyond Order Tour, an audience member asked him about the boundaries between self-care and selfishness.
Watch the full video - utm.io/ueSFn
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This guy is a gift to our generation
He's a bonifide treasure
@@dirtybubblerising
If he could hear himself and then listen to himself and perhaps finally live according to what he rambles about (yes, he rambles a lot around things not related to the topic at hand), he would see how he would act in a different manner.
I listen to him exactly because I wouldn't want to live in a society dictated by his values and that is what makes me think through my stance and assess my values. And that way he has given me a lot. But I disagree with almost everything he stands for.
Answer to the question of the video;
You set the boundaries based on who else is part of your life. If you value others, you need to give them time but also in order to have the energy to give your best version of yourself, you need time to do the things that give you joy. A self loving, joyful person is a more attractive person to be around and a selfish person wouldn't even consider others. So if you want all the time to yourself, you can do whatever you want, be as selfish as you need to be, because no one would even want to spend time around you once they got to know you.
@@justanothernick3984 this is silly.
@@Joseph-Colin-EXP
Yes, it is.
@@justanothernick3984 You both consider his context buildups as ramblings and outlined your reasoning for “disagreeing” with him in this video because you do not understand what he says.
You didn’t disagree with him here. You just misunderstood him. So you probably agree with him more than you think.
Jordan's responses in themselves are like a journey with multiple destinations. He touches on everything from adolescent development to interpersonal relationships, just one wisdom bomb after another.
well in simplication of he's explanation, selfishness is all about self pleasure while self care help and benefits others.
I love it
it is I agree. but why does nobody comment on the fact that the women is just boringly scrolling on her phone all the while of him delivering his answer to the audience? throughout the show she seems to get more and more bored. I might be wrong just watching the clips but its kind of weird. she is there for little reason except to set him up and she shows it. he could and probably should have gone with a different setup. sorry for hijacking your comment but I was just wondering and maybe you can set me straight.
She is reading up for the next question.
@@holycameltoe124very hard attempt at making things look bad.
When my brother passed away 3 yrs ago at 54, after living a hard life, this realization came to me:
The most loving gift you can give to those who love and care about you is to (literally) TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF - you lighten their burden of worrying about your well-being;
you are better able to engage with them; you are better prepared to be there for them generally and in crisis;
they won't have to try not to sob every time they think of you dying at a young age with wasted potential and regrets for the things they wish they had said and done for you.
How I'm only the second person to "like" this, I do not understand. Thank you very much for sharing.
Nicely put. Thank you.
@@user-oo8xp2rf1k You're most.
Thank you.
i actually never thought of it this way
if you take care of yourself properly, not only are you taken care of (hooray) but also others dont have to worry about you as much AND you are in a better position to help them, which, can also be a "social capital investment" (to put it coldly) and the laws of social reciprocation might also help future you.
Kinda brilliant actually
As a recovering people pleaser, I have a general rule of thumb.
A. I am responsible for myself alone. I'm not responsible for how you feel or what you need, say or what you do. This goes for how you respond to what I do or say as well. If I'm not being intentionally cruel then I don't worry about how you react to me. That's a you, issue.
B. If I'm going to help you out depends on 2 categories. Rocks and boulders. Some people want you to give all your energy to help them carry a few rocks they can handle on their own but want to use you because you are willing. Other people have a massive boulder to deal with that they CANNOT carry on their own. And they may seek you out for help with it.
C. But, what am I carrying? If I'm responsible for a few rocks today and you have a boulder I may set my rocks aside and help you push. But if I'm dealing with a boulder I cannot let my boulder roll off to help you with yours because of point A. I am responsible for myself alone.
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk ❤😂
I incorporated this reasoning from an example given from a self help book called Boundaries if anyone wants to check it out ☺️
Wow this was insightful thank you soo much.
If I may asked how did you learn to say no to people I’ve been struggling with that for years.
@@AB-mb8uy say it with a smile. And don't cave at their disappointment. Don't be embarrassed for yourself or for them. We are all grown adults the word "no" is a small burden for them bear. I remind myself this when I feel guilty for saying no, just repeat to yourself "the word "no" is a small burden, they can handle it." Hope this helps. ❤️💪🙏🥰
Thanks for sharing! very well said
“So, that’s an answer to that question.”
I love Jordan Peterson- what a remarkable answer that was!
Self care is you, prioritizing yourself without hurting anyone. Selfishness is you hurting people to make yourself feel better. If you can distinguish the two, you know where you land on that scale. And boundaries automatically apply.
May I please steal your words to share with my sister? She is almost 75, and is facing a crisis point with her husband with dementia, that she can no longer care for at home. I think she needs to hear this.
WINNER!!!
Really well put thank you
@@MissAstorDancer Oh, I hope they are able to find the best care and solution for all! My grandma had to move to a memory care facility a few years ago when her dementia became too much for grandpa to care for. It was a very dramatic transition in the end, due to her stubbornness, but he has finally found some peace with the whole situation.
🎯
If you have never seen Dr. Peterson in person, try to go. I took my parents to see him in Durham last spring and it was quite an event. I went in work-casual, in khakis and a button-down and was under dressed. Men were in full suits and ladies were in evening gowns. It was a beautiful audience. I'm smarter that average, but by no means near the top, and by the end of the evening my head was pounding just trying to keep up with the good doctor. We should go ahead and make him an American citizen for his efforts.
I saw him in Ottawa a few weeks ago, was worth the 5 hours of driving.
Respectfully though- America has already laid claim to far too many great Canadians, let us keep this one eh?
I saw him in Saskatchewan and the majority of people were wearing business attire and more fancy casual clothing items! I also felt underdressed😂😂. He’s Canadian through and through though, let us have him hahaha
Dr. Peterson and his adorable wife are blessings in this age of total darkness.
Quit being dramatic.
@@lanceg2533 - Start embracing the human drama, or maybe try challenging yourself by ignoring the dramatic people around you and find inner peace :)
@@martinmollerup2265 start embracing the ability to mind your own business. Avoid the temptation to give in to your narcissistic tendency of inserting your misguided thoughts into someone else's comment and then attempting to gaslight them into second guessing themselves. Deep self-reflection as well as time in nature are good remedies for this.
Jordan is 100% right about that. Being naïve and trusting and being burned. Becoming resentful or deciding that you're still going to trust other courageously no matter the cost and realize that sometimes you might get burned but you have to continuously trust anyways. I'm having a really hard time currently doing this
may i say?
u wouldn’t ‘have a really hard time [ever] doing this’ once u know it is the wise thing to do. for u no longer agree to play badly expressing oneself.
I don't really agree with this , he basically argues that you have to be naïve and trusting , which is ridiculous you're going back and trying the same thing over and expecting a different result it's the story of the The Scorpion and the Frog , " why did you sting me why ? now we will both surely drown " asked the Frog
" Because its in my nature " said the scorpion
@@JcoleMc
That ‘little’ belittling scorpio story is wrong a pathinking for the human telos.
Trust cannot be a trait of any the naive, but is the seal of the courageous, the habitat necessary for courage, end be humanly wise.
Thus, you decide to trust and pass by the rest whom r to remain naive, believing they know what awaits the courageous, while they r safely left far back in the dark.
I can tell you: it is work mastered by so few that the words r missing.
@@JcoleMc He's said in other lectures that when you become resentful or untrusting/somewhat sinical about life that, that is a step up from being naively trusting. He than says though to take it a step further... That even though you've been burned and you're not so trusting of others anymore that you hold your hand out anyways in hopes that the other person will do the same. It's becoming courageous and holding your hand out anyways despite the fact that you might get burned again. It's not becoming Naive again. It's deciding that despite the frustration and possibility that you'll get burned like I said. You trust anyways
It's trust leveled with awareness. You give people a chance to be good... But now paying attention in case they aren't. But you be as courageous as you can be, give them as many chances as you can dare; instead of either giving up on them the first instant they seem suspicious (which is cynical); or tidying people who have obviously no intention of acting fairly because you don't wanna be mean(which is naivete). See? There is a middle path.
When I listen to you Jordan I feel like something within me acts like a domino effect. You say something that i wonder in my personal life and then it's like things start falling into place the more you explore the topic. May God bless you
Ditto!
Its the alignment with Patterns of being
It only means that you don't have your personal opinion and you follow what Peterson says.
@@konstantinmedvedev-zj7qy please
@@konstantinmedvedev-zj7qy Do we not have the freedom to self reflect?
Having never even considered to qualify individual words to a question so intricately, I am mesmerised and have been educated with Dr Jordan Peterson's fluent and easy to follow common sense once he spoke.
The man is a master in unlocking our ignorance of how to think.
Speaking for myself of course.
The conversations in the home of Jordan and Tammy must be exciting and extraordinary.
Kudos to you both for being incredible active role models.
Many many thanks :) ♡♡♡
From Australia :)
Tammy: Jordan, you forgot to take out the trash again.
JP: What is trash? Doesn't everything have a purpose, possibly in the past or the future, if not just this moment? ... (Continues for ten minutes.)
Tammy: Never mind. I'll do it myself.
JP: (Cracks a wry smile)
You care for yourself out of the love of your friends family and community
Selfishness is at the cost of those things
Never has anyone more artfully explained emotions using pure logic, than Jordan Peterson. He is INFJ genius.
He is INTP
Great talk.
I've long struggled with the preservation vs selfish issue (though I never put it in those terms, I could just visualize the concept) and it led to this: be an enforcer of the "rules" of the "game" (e.g., be truthful, honest, etc). Then, if it's a fair "game" and you're losing/failing at it, you have to figure out how *you* need to change.
The people we view as selfish are cheating at the "game" so that they don't have to learn, grow, change, etc.
I like that analogy 👍🏻
In other words, setting a boundary where you'd progress while not robbing yourself of imbued values. That is kinda hard especially today where people go slide down the easy path where they no longer have the sense of nuance to the things around them.
This is why I'm stuck at the junction between preservation and going full-blown self-care aka NARCISSISM.
What a difficult question and a great response. I am so happy to live in a time where I can witness such a unique, intelligent human being that improves so many lives, including mine.
Agreed 100%. I pray my children have a leader of Peterson’s caliber in their day.
I was there!! Truly special to see you in person, keep fighting the good fight.
This is the first philosophical question I ever asked myself. That was 11 years ago, back in elementary school. Now, I finally have a good starting point of an answer.
I would argue that if, as an elementary school student, you were even able to formulate that question… that you never really needed to hear the answer!
What I always understood about the word "selfish" was a blatant disregard of others to the preference of fulfilling your own ambitions, goals, and edification.
Self care I always understood to be preservation of emotional, psychological and physical health. (I.e. taking a much needed vacation, whether alone or with loved ones to recharge, renew or refresh mind body or spirit simultaneously or individually.
I would say 'self-care' is to take as much as you need to look after yourself properly, but no more.
And after that, 'selfish' is to then neglect the needs of others who, for whatever reason, are not being looked after properly themselves. Love has a duty to those in need, according to capacity.
Love is like water poured on the ground. It fills up the first hole it comes to, and then moves onto the neighbouring holes. It fills only as much as it can, and it never piles up.
Both argument seem to be valid. As someone who is confused between choosing the path of preservation vs path of self-care, setting boundary is somewhat critical, otherwise it would go full-blown bitterness I'd carry for the rest of my life or simply being selfish mofo who is so caught up with narcissism.
I believe that Dr. Peterson will be remember for giving encouragement to the masses that hungered for it...
Millions attest to that
I love how he spider-grams everything to break down the entire molecular structure of just one word 👌🏼
Jordan Peterson is the dad we all need. Bless him
So ENLIGHTENING! Yet to hear another human being with so much to offer the universe: high level of mental abilities in a purest compassionate heart! You are undoubtedly a gift to humanity!
Have been wondering about this for years and glad your talking about it 🙏
Being able to reach out a hand to your fallen brother who has harmed you in the past is even more valuable.
I’m in awe of the wisdom of this man. It just pours out of him. 🌧 🌧
He definitely has been a great tool in my journey of personal growth and self awareness.
14:47 👌
"once burned, twice shy" , Jordan Peterson sure knows how to deliver wisdom like punches.
Got goose bumps listening to Dr. Peterson. Aww! How much wisdom God has given to this man. So powerful message.
' The Development of Equilibrated State. ' Thank you , Dr Peterson.
The best part is these videos are there, free to watch for anyone! Thanks internet
i understand prof. explained the question in deep. is it safe to say selfishness happens when u sacrifizing other people to attain ur goals but self-care comes along when u take care of urself to be stronger (in any dimention. mentally, physically or spritually) to help urself and others, meanwhile helping them as well through ur growth.....
From what I understand, if you have self that serve the highest purpose, then it's the same as serving others, versus a self that chases stimulations or non committed, impulsive whim. It's not wrong to pursue happiness, the happiness have to be something that others want to participate otherwise you'll be alone.
Place thyself on the other’s hands, trusting these as your very own, and if shaking, hold onto them a little longer.
Each human bond being definable and distinct only as a function of the length of time required to create the trust needed, needed to be held in order to free both once tossed like unnecessary garment between the embrace of two souls naturally destined to become as bare to come close.
The fact that he’s doing this with his wife motivates me greatly
It`s just too good! This is the best way, brilliantly exposed by a complete master! Congratulations Jordan Peterson you are the BEST! Thank You
An individual like Jordan comes along once in a generation. Incredibly wise, it is almost like you go on a journey of self realisation and discovery.
The last part that he said is precisely what burned me, because there are genuinely beings with no good in them.
He is incredibly generous, to give such possible to navigate our own challenges & individual understanding. What a “healer” in the deepest sense of the word.
It’s a miracle that you brought that question about ourselves to ultimately understanding others.
As the word “So” comes out of his mouth.. I feel such a sense of peace, love, struggle and thoughts… deep confusing, conflicting and challenging thoughts that make us grow to be Better.. to be Balanced. Thank you Jordan Peterson on a million levels❤
Always taking us on a unique knowledge cruise in answering profound questions🙏🏼❤
What a role model Jordan is, absolute inspiration!!
1:01 defining the terms in conversation is very important. Especially today with the goofiness of how language is changing. Everyone has different definitions of words.
I adore the definition of friendship! Spot on!
This asking back, asking for a definition, being precise - a love about this guy! 😊
Live and Thrive Mr. Peterson, You are right almost all the time and that's why they hate you.
Perfect parables of real life . Plain truth and respect Blessings and great Smiles. Thanks & Thanks
Thank you Jordan. Going out for a run. Will continue viewing later. Ciao 👍🏻✝️❤️🙋🏻♀️ Ran my 7 miles. Another great lecture. Luv ya Jordan!
“i don’t believe there is any difference between service to highest self and service to other people”... that’s what it means when the Bible says “...Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself...” Mark 12:31
Thank you again. The pain someone ppl made me feel is real when they lied, cheated, manipulated, yelled and shut me down from speaking my truth and feelings. Finding Peace in myself is all I can do, the rest is out of my hands. Blessings and peace to everyone.
Thank you for being here, I needed someone real Jordan Peterson😁
Hey thank you very much for the new thumbnail, now i know immediately these are recent videos from Beyond Order tour. Really appreciate it.
"That's so cool to know that!" I love that he uses phrases like this, it goes to show he is just another human being walking the same world as we are.
Fear vs desire + misbelief
This is the most important thing on the internet.
Great juxtaposition and balance between the two extremes of selfishness and altruism. Metaphorically speaking, no person is obligated to set themselves on fire in order to keep others warm.
Thank you.. I really needed this
Peterson in his element. This is his strength. Stay away from the silly politics. This knowledge is why we followed you so many years ago. Bless.
Absolutely wonderful answer! Complete, direct, irrefutable!
Jordan plants a seed that if allowed to grow and take root in each of us would bolster society by improving the lives of people individually and then by its very nature collectively and it requires no outside motivation pressure or governance. Profound and beautiful
man this speech is art it's beyond good and accurate speech this is artful
A father figure to a fatherless generation. We are blessed. God be with us all, in Jesus Mighty name Amen 🙏
Love Tammy’s gentle voice.
How serious he takes these questions is fascinating. That part about the question of God being real was very illustrative. I remember recently questioning certain people by how they're defining Him to make statements that goes along the line of Him not existing.
Such a humble genius who brings complex ideas to simplification
well put, couldn't agree more.
This guy is so amazing to listen to. Here is the cool part about having courage to trust others even if you know you might experience betrayal. Through trust its possible to bring out the best in others and in yourself
He is so humble to be so knowledgeable, pretty rare traits.
I like how this channel becomes the q&a content.
Reminds me of a saying , "Love like you've never been hurt before".
Absolutely brilliant! Including one of best description of myself I ever came across: "the upward stumbling type" (with an emphasis on stumbling of course 😆)
Amazingly well put thank you
Serve and keep serving... give and never stop giving...🎉🎉
I feel like everyone is as equally smart as this guy not taking anything aways from anything that he does… but I glad we have a platform like this to educate people who are just struggling mentally
Precise AF, i love this man
Wow! I’ve never had anyone describe it that way before. Courageous trust! I do that and many people think I’m just naive but I know who to trust and who I cannot, and I choose to give them trust anyway in a hope to inspire growth and positivity. You’re ability to see and describe it is amazing. It is hard sometimes to balance with manipulative people but it can be done with a calm demeanor and strong boundaries and consequences when needed. The change that happens in some of those people can be incredible!
The respect and love that I get in return is also amazing.
@@LegoGirl1990 I know. Me too, it’s hard to know. I try to go by my intuition now and if I’m having to give up part of myself and who I am then it’s too many chances.
Every time I watch you, you make me think I don't know anything. I end up having to re-evaluate what I accept for myself and from others. It's a good thing, really.
I’m tackling with this, at this very moment.
Edit: I understand I will extend my hand to the snakes, metaphorically speaking. I will enter with brave trust but, yet being pro-cautious to correct my fallen brother when they get the urge to be a snake.
Thank you Dr. Jordan Peterson, I am currently reading beyond order and have begun dipping my toe into your work, and that alone was tremendous help, now I cannot wait to see the clarity and illumination I will obtain when I submerge myself.
Hmmm... Think I might specify that I'm only looking for "upward-stumbling types" next time I'm on a dating app. Thanks Jordan!
saw this talk live at youtube theatre. awesome experience
Axiomatic presupposition what a line. He's so cool!
I often have to listen two or three times to truly understand for myself and that of others.✌️😎
Very helpful video
I was at this lecture, so impressive.
"Stored up social capital"...this validates what I personally sacrificed during failed marriages, instead of feeling that I escaped them, with nothing but a wasted part of my life. This helps me to maintain my moral fiber, instead of giving up on humanity, totally.
This is the most important thing to understand about relationships in all space and time.
I have been in in this dilemma for a while
My parent has always been what I'd describe as lazy with regards to domestic and personal care matters (very successful professionally). So from a young age they'd always send me around getting tea, laundry, grocery shopping etc despite having a butler, cleaner and another child. A large part of my 20s was spent running their errands that I feel they just didn't want to do. I'd drive them around, to personal and professional engagements - whatever they wanted I would do it, no was never something I could bring myself to say even if i wanted to, I think because I felt an immense sense gratitude towards them for raising and taking care of me.
In their early 60s they were quite ill and required major operations with a 4 week recovery time to return to work and life - it has been about 10 years , they haven't returned to work or life. A few years ago, I "ran away" from home and moved out at the "young" age of 28... They were quite upset about this but never said anything to me, I just heard through various family members. It's been 5 years since I moved, but now they're sick again.
I'm having an internal battle as so what to do, give of myself (move back) or give to myself (continue to live on my own). Either way the the decision, I know, will lay heavy on me. But what is the moral thing to do right now? The guilt of having run away earlier still plagues me, but I also feel like a large chunk of my life slipped away.
Thanking God for this ministry and how He has used Dr. Charles F Stanley!
Giving is receiving ❤
🙏 thankful for this man 💯
Brilliant man, love listening carefully to him speak. My take away from this is the difference is intention. Are you caring for yourself to care for others more fully? Or are you doing it at the expense of other covertly/overtly deceptively?
My dad taught me how to live with nothing when I was born. How we come and return from nothing. I have no material attachment everyday I don’t love anything more than god. Although I might have once placed maybe my mother and father at a very high list of importance they are still important if anything else. I know living with nothing is very unconventional and unbelievable and every person asks me how to be happy. But they won’t be able to understand until they have nothing. Take the world off your shoulders. These items are burdens and distractions.
Spirit > flesh
My favorite suit so far👏 Symbolic as well... in my view.
Thank you
Lots to ponder.
A great man.
as i understood him, self care can mean a true intentions and desire of cooperative efforts and selfishness is more about me before anyone else mindset.
This guy is so smart!!! Woooow!
What I mean to refer to when I refer to myself is to the ultimate subject (actual reality of whatever I am) of my predication, and the inherent responsibility (given my capacities and comprehension of what is true. It's worth noting I have a responsibility to try to inform my comprehension honestly). May each predication be of good-will.
Amazing. May the Lord Be With You.
GOD BLESS YOU SIR!
Jordan Peterson is all that! What do you mean by real...great question!!!
I was able to follow, like 20% of what he said.
Wow❤wow… what a sophisticated mind this man has. Amazing ❤