@@terriesmith2616she did manage to drag his dead beat ass to John’s Money and Marriage course. She has both tenacity and drive and this call is what might make the Penny drop so she hits her codependent ’bottom’
GET OUT TODAY!!!! I was married to very similar at 28 with 2 young boys! I left. Remarried an amazing man 5 yrs later. I will be 48 next year......leaving was one of the best decisions i made in my life
I normally don't advocate for divorce. I hate it and want people to work out their problems like adults. But cheating is definitely the line where I say get out and be free. Once a cheater always a cheater.
To anyone struggling with this ask yourself one simple question... Is this how I would want my daughter to be treated? This will tell you everything you need to know.
Anyone who can scheme cheating several times on their partner is capable of envisioning and working hard to provide for their wife and family. Tired of these deadbeat types leaving nothing but a legacy of pain and trauma for the children produced. Go back to college lady. Offload this dude and prioritise your kids. Goodluck.
Ikr? It takes so much careful planning and effort to keep an affair hidden and juggle multiple people at once. Why can't he channel energy that more productively. I think unfortunately the less successful a man is, the more likely he is to cheat. He feels emasculated and worthless, and seeks out validation elsewhere. Female attention temporarily boosts his ego. Stay at home dads are more likely to cheat than those who work. So it's like a one two punch, the guy provides nothing and also punishes you for supporting him.
I was married to this guy. I did everything to fix it. Leaving was the best thing I ever did. My and the lives of my kids improved overnight. By 38 I was with the man I'd marry and my life was 100 percent the opposite of what I had before. I was in a healthy relationship that was the model for my and other kids (said by other kid). Life became good.
@JourneyDestination If you would rather have her suffer, just say that. She did what she had to and her life is better for it. Kids do not turn out good when their parents have a miserable relationship.
Lacy, please, please take Dr. Delony’s advice. It's true you will wake up one day and wonder where life has gone. It doesn't change just gets worse and you will get older. God bless you and guide you.
Actually she's a doormat with no self esteem. Yes, he's treating her like S____, but she's also allowing him to treat her that way which says as much about her a it does him. My alarm bells went off when she said she gave up school for him which suggests that she's codependent and likely experienced as much trauma as he did as a child. I actually feel for them both but neither of them have any business being married - and not just to each other, but at all. They both need enormous amounts of therapy if there's to be any hope for their children to be healthy and happy but I won't be holding my breath.
For the people asking what ACES is here’s a quick explanation… Adverse Childhood Experiences Test. Basically measures the amount of trauma someone has on a scale of 1-10. For example: A question that’s on there is have you been a victim of sexual abuse? If you answer Yes to more than 4-5 questions you have a significantly HIGHER risk of dying from a stroke, cancer, organ disease failure,etc until you go get well and walk through the trauma.
Lace, I went through this for 25 years and I lived on hope. He was often unemployed, once for 5 years. He didn’t carry any weight on housework, etc. He was a decent Dad and that was one of things that kept me in with hope. We went to counselling and that helped for a while. But mostly, he let me down,time after time. I waited far too long to end the marriage. I didn’t have the courage. Other than my 2 beautiful daughters, I wasted 25 years of my life. Please don’t do the same.
The amount of marital problems that I listen to on this show alone is so so sad. As someone that never wanted kids or marriage, I can’t even imagine going through something like this. WOW.
You and many other women should stay away until the situation as a whole gets better nationwide. As a man, I know how bad it is, and for you ladies, it just isn't worth the risk. Stay safe out there, Ma'am.
Some people or culture manage to maintain a perfect picture on the outside while it's a tragic disaster on the inside. I am from the West Indies and I learned how deceiving adults were.
It's very important that: 1. the man is older in a relationship 2. the man pursues the woman ie he must call more than half of the time, no calling a guy constantly but he nevers calls you first. Same with texting first and inviting you to do things, paying for dates, coming up with ideas.
Bread crumbing- When a person your in a relationship mistreats you. Then he decides to be nice for a few months. Then he's back to his normal narcissism. Then he goes to be nice again. This is a back and forth for the relationship. He's being fake nice to confuse you, so you continue to tolerate his bullsh$+. This is manipulate. You don't manipulate and and mistreat the person you love. He doesn't love or even like you as a friend.
I really feel like on this call she should have led with the adultery part. That to me is the bigger problem than the job, albeit they are both disheartening.
The pattern of adultery is the more concerning part. I mean the job thing we don’t have all the details in such a short call, but assuming the pay doesn’t change that much between jobs if he has a new job every six months then at least it’s consistent enough that the money doesn’t really change then it’s not good, but it’s not the end of the world, I would say he’s better off working for a temp agency. That way he can constantly switch jobs but he’s not quitting a job all the time, and at least the employment is at the same employer, the agency rather than where he’s working and then he can still change jobs as far as what he’s doing. The job thing is the easiest part to fix it all this The adultery if it was a one off is still bad but possible to fix in some circumstances but the pattern and constant disregard is where it’s an even worse problem.
That was my dad. Could never keep a job, would always pretend to have back pain so he won't go to work. And my mom was actually the primary breadwinner. When my mom divorced him he quit his job so he won't pay child support.
I’m Mexican American So we aren’t used to men not working My daughters dad quit and started acting up a bit He was kicked out within a month Don’t let these men play you
@@JesusIsMaster777i doubt God is going to judge me for that. Besides it took 7 years for him to start acting up and cheating I’m glad I didn’t marry him although I did want to. I’m sure god saved me from that.
He cheats, he doesn’t work, he doesn’t care for his wife or children??? The lady needs to leave him and take her kids. He’s wasting everyone’s time. She sounds like a wonderful woman.
My ex husband had the exact same problem, constantly in and out of jobs for 4 years, ultimately I ended up leaving him because I just couldn't take it anymore, don't waste your time honey, it's not worth it!
Good for you John on telling her it's over. I feel bad for her... She's so broken. That patience the woman has, that turns into shame. That hit hard. She needs to stop being an enabler. Point break. Start to accept reality, he's showing every sign he's not willing to do anything for you. Leave.
Was married to a man who quit 2 jobs and was let go from another in 1 year. His parents thought he should go back to school while I supported him. He was okay with but had no idea what he would study but " it would be fun ".... for nearly a year he hemmed and hawed, taking only 2 brief freelance jobs. I told him get a job, by the end of the week, any job and we would work it out. He put me down as usual " nursing ( my job) is not the intellectual work that mine is, you don't understand". That was it for me... we had no kids, so it was easier to walk away. Years later I met someone who encouraged me was proud of me for getting my masters and raised a family with me. It can and will get better
He’s broken and any change will always be temporary. It’s a rare case but the marriage cannot be sustained with no commitment to integrity and responsibility from him.
Dear Caller, A couple of years ago I was in your exact situation. Trust me, make very firm and honest boundaries AND prepare yourself for him to opt out. I love how Dr. John says behavior is a language because that was what finally forced me to face reality. The divorce is messy, expensive and brutal. It will be worth it. Now, he has the SAME CYCLE, except his new girlfriend is his cash cow now. Dr. John saved me..... if your husband doesn't wake up now.....he never will....trust me. I am returning to school now and starting from scratch....with healthy boundaries. Kids need positive role models. LOVE YOU
These calls are just so so sad. My husband and I are not perfect people but our marriage is peaceful and focused towards building each other up. My husband (of more than than 20 years) is hands-down the person who makes my life easier every day in small ways and big ways. It breaks my heart when people make it clear that their spouse is probably the hardest, most stressful aspect of their life, making them question their own value. It shouldn’t be like that. 😢
Ugh! I was married to this guy for almost 6 years, after spending almost 10 years trying to make it work, I left. He refused to work! It devastated me financially, but I do not regret leaving him. Not for one second.
The ONLY thing I don’t like about your show is that you turn off their audio in the last 30 seconds for a mic drop monologue. We’re not able to hear them express their gratitude. It’s just a weird thing and I think people need to hear people say thanks, especially for the great wisdom you provide.
I've been at my current job for nearly 9 years and I was at my previous job for nearly 13 years. My point is that I've always done my best to keep a job and provide for my family. You have to do whatever is necessary in order to provide a stable home for your family even if it means working a job that you don't like.
Girl get away from this man. Take it from someone who dealt with this. It doesn’t get better. You will never be able to achieve any goals or be stable. Luckily I didn’t have any kids or I would have been done sooner. I would never put my kids through an unstable environment. My ex husband’s instability was why I didn’t feel safe giving him children. Now that I am divorced I have an emergency fund, purchased a new home and no debt. I couldn’t get ahead with my ex husband. Girl put on your track shoes and run. No amount of prayer can fix a lazy, selfish, entitled unstable spirit.
Amazing how motivated a man is to effort and PLAN and physically exert and follow up and be consistent with his affair partners. Where do they find the ENERGY and endurance? Affairs are DIFFICULT to plan, organize, keep going, you really have to be an exceptionally creative person to successfully cheat with multiple people countless times.
Because they get the attention they need, it’s easy. Giving love and attention to children and wife isn’t always easy and requires being mentally healthy. He is not.
I spent 23 years married to someone like this. 😢 They don’t change. They blame … the deflect … they lie … please leave while you can. He is NOT trying … he’s buying more time.
Girl, NO!!!! He resents and probably hates you because he hates himself. He’s not worth throwing your life away for. He can’t work but he has the energy and ability to sleep with other women no problem. Enough of everyone and their “trauma” it’s become an EXCUSE to be a crappy person. Leaving will be hard because this is all you know, but trust me you’ll be just fine in the end and grateful that you’re not 40 wishing you left 12 years earlier. We only get one shot at this life and none of us know when it’s over so stop wasting your time, especially, on people who don’t care about you. I know that’s a hard pill to swallow but he doesn’t care about you. Move on and live, your future self will thank you!
2024 and I am just over codependents. The lack of accountability and willingness to take ownership over the things they allow people to do to them is just mind-blowing. This man has violated the terms of their marital contract on multiple levels. He refuses to provide financially. He refuses to take over responsibility for child-rearing duties. He refuses to be faithful. There is no marriage. It has been terminated. The marriage was terminated the first time he stuck his penis in another woman. It was terminated when he refused to contribute financially to his household. It was over when he refused to be the primary caregiver for the children while his wife worked. But her fear of being alone and her lack of self-worth is going to keep her there. She's going to use God as a justification of why she has to stay in her marriage forever. Even though the Bible tells you to head out of a marriage due to infidelity. She'll never leave because she doesn't want to.
Exactly. Codependents are their own problems . They disrespect themselves and no matter how hard you try to help wake them up, they just can’t see it. I’ve learned I can’t help a codependent friend anymore.
It’s nauseating. Equal rights since the late 80’s. No one Is a victim anymore. Don’t worry tho, when he finds someone new she’ll tell everyone how poorly she was treated and list the excuses why she “couldn’t” leave.
I think she is desperately trying to stay faithful to her vows. Doesn’t want to fail at marriage (who DOES?). Her Christian beliefs are holding her to her vows. For better and for worse. But Beloved, this can get worse!
The plant couple!! I remember them. I was crying, but they were such a cute couple. I could tell he was tense though. I really hope he can get the hope he needs. I hope SHE finds herself too, because my husband even said “he looks checked out” when they were on stage. He just didn’t look happy.
I laid boundaries and said if you do these things gs we can talk about what our future looks like. And two years later and he did nothing. That speaks he doesn’t want to sit down and talk about what our future looks like. I don’t regret making that decision. Enough of being destroyed by someone who doesn’t want to put forth effort for his family.
Mine was lazy and drugs. I was her. I got out at 27. He ruined my life. Rich parents, took the kids. But im still alive. Took 15 years to get my life back. Now at 66, im in a paid for home. Decent amount of money saved. Unable to trust anyone anymore. Lifes hard emotionally. Jesus is my hope.
I get you really want to make your marriage work but there comes a point where your level of self respect needs to be much higher. Honey he’s making a fool out of you.
Leave. It will be the hardest thing you ever do at first. Then it will be the best thing you ever did a little down the road. You can’t FIX him. They play the part just for a little bit to keep you hanging on.
BPD is very challenging. He needs therapy to help himself with it, and this lovely lady needs a lot of support, especially if she's going to stay. ❤ Love to you Lacie ❤
I really thought I would learn more about how to overcome job hopping (because that is something that I personally struggle with and feel an immense pressure to lead my future family), but with the cheating and other stuff, there’s clearly more to this conversation for this particular couple than what is portrayed in the title of this video
Yeah, I think the title is a little off. But job hopping is a tricky topic. So long as you stay long enough and move to a better one I feel like it can be wise. Staying anywhere more than five years seems silly unless you love the company. But yeah just jumping with no other job to go to is completely irresponsible. Especially when you have a family to feed
I job hopped A LOT for a while. Then I discovered welding and loved it. Didn't want to do anything else. I don't think there is anything wrong with experimentation. Maybe you would be better off working with your hands, or maybe you do better working with people, etc? Try something different instead of the same at a different location.
@@Observer-dd6uq I guess I’m curious how it’s defined. Like it seems markedly different if someone is hopping between McDonalds and Burger King verses say Chase and Bank of America while getting raises or better benefits each time. We’re long past the era of pensions with the obvious exceptions of unions, government employees, and military. So for most private sector jobs you’re probably not being paid what your labor is worth after a certain point. And a lot of companies claim to have good internal promotion opportunities, but imo HR tends to have a bias for external candidates a lot of times. I get your point, though, that at times it’s symbolic of a broader issue and of course it’s dumb if you aren’t making more in your next role
My first thought was the husband has bad untreated ADHD with depression. However I've heard/read several anecdotes where somebody thought they had ADHD, treatment didn't really do anything, got diagnosed with CPTSD, got therapy and whatever treatment for that, and had it be a night and day difference.
My wife grew as I just rode thru life. I started living and had a hard time coming back and making up for it. He can grow up and join you or go off and do what he wants somewhere else.
@@georgemubanga1878this is such a silly question because we already know that it's a rare occasion for a man to be the sole provider, do all of the domestic work, and child-rearing. If a woman isn't working outside of the home, she's a stay-at-home mom and taking care of the children. Period. Men being unwilling to work is a very common occurrence these days. Especially in the black community. Black men's unemployment costs the economy 50 billion dollars a year.
Please leave! He not treating you biblically. It effects your children with his behavior. He very dysfunctional. This behavior will repeat in your children. You deserve a good man. Pray to God for what to do? Can family help you? I have been there done that. I wanted to leave and didn't. 38 yrs later, I regret not going.
15:08 BINGO! Harsh reality for a lot of women with low self esteem. Gotta be strong for yourself in order to walk away from someone who no longer serves you anything but heartache and disappointment.
Please go back to school! There are resources for free or reduced cost daycare and sometimes they'll pay a babysitter if they are certified. Many community colleges have on site care as well. I went back to school at 25 with a 3 year old. It's not easy, but if you want to go back, you can make it through. Do it for you. When you are happy and successful you are a better parent and you show them that their happiness matters in a marriage/ family. It's not your job to coddle a grown man. You need to take care of yourself because nobody else is going to do it and you are worth it.
Married to someone like this and stayed until I was 43. I was super happy in my single life but I waited too long. Best thing is that I got his social security because I was married more than 10 years. That has really helped me.
Being with someone who doesn't pull their weight (of their own will) is HORRIBLE. Best thing I did was divorce him. I'm in my 50's and we have mutual friends we both kept in touch with and he's in the same place I left him at all those years ago. Unbelievable. BEST decision of my life and one of the hardest as at the time I did love him as we had been together a long time (he recruited me young-met him in high school).
Yes, there is something so.missing in this call. She blew right passed that. There are some real issues she has too that we don't know about. She's far from healthy either.
I’m single, in my thirties and just finished a temporary contract. Hate the idea of being unemployed for more than a few weeks. How this guy can be married and not want to provide is beyond me
I agree with you 100%. I think the difficulty is when women in the faith community pressure women to marry young and teach men when they get a family they will RISE to the occasion and that a woman's belief in them will make them a better man. I think you are VERY RIGHT, but I also know women with high standards are often judged.
I'll never be strong enough to talk to Deloney. I work 90 hours a week to support myself, child support and my lawsuit medical bills. I want To be dead. But I must continue for my son. But it's so hard. But I will press through always.
I am not pro divorce but, her husband has cheated multiple times and he won’t work. You shouldn’t put your life on hold for anyone. She should have continued going to college and she probably wouldn’t be married to him. I pray you make the best decision for you and the kids. Please don’t look up, you have more kids, and you’re going through the same ish as years prior. You deserve a better husband and the kids deserve a better father.
I think it is difficult for people to realize they married a loser. I have not been unemployed for more than 2 weeks since I was 15. Im 39 now. I could not imagine not having a job to do. Men are no men without a purpose. He has settled with the idea that he is being taken care of. He allows her to be his mother figure.
Leave him a cheater is always a cheater. He is looking for a girl or woman to support him. Now he has his wife to blame for everything. He will cheat on the next one. Sometimes these men works, but don't bring the income home. He is going to end up leaving her when he finds a fool to believe his lies and take him in. I know, I was married years of go to a man like that. My husband would get as kind and nice. Then all of a sudden, the branch would break. Don't waste your life on a man like that.
She put trust and value into this man, just for her to get dragged down. She needs to gain some self esteem and learn to detach and be independent away from this sinking ship.
The person with trauma has to want to get better; has to want to change. Has to be open to criticism, be open to suggestions, be open to looking at their own behaviors versus constantly bringing up their trauma as excuses for it. I say this as someone who is 7/10 aces score, not the same, but not from a place of ignorance, either. You can't save people that aren't actively working with you to be saved. You can, however, go down with them.... they'll drag you down into the pits of hell where they choose to stay. To me, this doesn't sound like a guy that's working hard to climb up out of that pit.... he sounds like a guy that's watching your family slip into it with him and when you're down there he's going to blame all his trauma on it... Because his trauma is like a figure that takes the blame, that absolves him of responsibility for it: because it's not "him" its the "trauma" . You have to decide if you're willing to go down there with him, take your kids down there, all because you don't want to "quit". Is quitting worse than that?
How did she drop out of school and then tried to go back, but claimed to not have help or support with the kids when her husband can't keep a job for 6 months? So he's not working and not helping with the kids? And he's cheating on her multiple times? He has it made there and if she keeps on being a pushover she has to be ready for this to keep happening and stop complaining. I cannot fathom staying with a man after he cheated, rather your Christian or religious or NOT, I'm not staying!!
That part about giving someone patience and it being received as shame. Wow. My old life in a nutshell. Thank the Lord I got out. I'd rather be happy alone than lonely sitting on the couch next to my spouse. Good luck to the caller, I hope she starts a new life for her and her kids without the deadbeat cheater.
Omg what a horrible broken marriage. She’s so sweet and determined. But it can be so much better for her…someone who actually deserves this level of dedication
Sad, but at least she is starting to see the situation clearly. She is the adult, and she has to look at her children's future. He is their "father" role model, and as tough as this is, it will be a lot tougher having to deal with them as adults. It's not fair for them. Hopefully there is a Grandfather, brother, or another responsible male they can be around. Won't be the same, but they need to shape themselves correctly.
This could be my story, the not keeping a job and the cheating. Listening to what someone else has been through, helps me see how horrendous my situation has been.
My fiance has ADHD and PTSD, his dad abandoned him at a young age and his mom was a no good mom, and even HE can hold down a tough full-time construction work for months on end. He only changed job to get a better paying job with better working conditions, in the same field. He doesn't even love what he does, he doesn't want to work if it was up to him. But he stays working because he feels it is his responsibility to become a provider, and look after the both of us. That is a man you want to stay with. A man who shows he loves you by the fortitude he demonstrates on the daily. The days when he wants to to to work the least, and STILL goes to work, is the days I am most proud and thankful for him.
He cannot be a child in an adult situation. Quitting every six months is not acceptable, and neither is cheating. Do not tolerate this. Start building something on the side while working on your marriage if that is what you want to do and should he continue the behavior, just say you're done when you have big enough structure to not have to need him or anyone else for an income and stability for you and the kids. A business, perhaps.
I agree in a sense. Is a traumatic childhood a huge problem? No doubt. But that does not relieve the person from the responsibility of getting whatever help is needed, addressing the problems and behaving responsibly.
@@anitas5817 still, we objectively live in the easiest time of human existence. Yet, we are more mentally fragile than ever. Every little thing that doesn’t go our way needs a therapist. It’s whacky. Look at females in general. They’ve never had life easier yet they’re making up the MAJORITY of the psychological pharmaceutical sales in society. It’s a problem.
Baby girl you are 28, your life has just started. Get out and take care of yourself ❤️
Of course a female has this to say 😂
@@dustynmckendall4200get a job loser
@@dustynmckendall4200?
@@dustynmckendall4200 So she should stay with a cheating, lazy azz instead? You must be a man, saying that.
Let's be honest...he doesn't want her anymore. He's "quiet quitting" this marriage. I hope that she gets everything she wants in life.
This has nothing to do with him not wanting her. Men who don’t take care of their families has nothing to do with the spouse.
So, he's both an adulterer AND a lazy dead weight! She needs to ESCAPE.
He's winning lol
@@richard_from_england333I beg to differ, more like a loser
Nah, she's gonna continue to stay where she's at because she's codependent and is afraid of being alone. $5 says she ain't going nowhere.
I was just going to say, religious or not, she’s gotta divorce this guy
@@terriesmith2616she did manage to drag his dead beat ass to John’s Money and Marriage course. She has both tenacity and drive and this call is what might make the Penny drop so she hits her codependent ’bottom’
GET OUT TODAY!!!! I was married to very similar at 28 with 2 young boys! I left. Remarried an amazing man 5 yrs later. I will be 48 next year......leaving was one of the best decisions i made in my life
I normally don't advocate for divorce. I hate it and want people to work out their problems like adults. But cheating is definitely the line where I say get out and be free. Once a cheater always a cheater.
Why take the wedding bows?
By wonderful man you mean wonderful provider.
@@gabrielacastaneda6875 because good marriages can bring out the best in each other.
Incredible how so many men think it's okay to just exist and not work or do anything productive
That goes with females too.
@@sanitary103women still have babies and raise them. Men do nothing.
This one man. Where do you derive that many men do this?
@@manifest2203Statistically single fathers do way better than single mothers.
Lmao. The key word is “some” men. you’re projecting your past experiences onto other good men. Not cool. Hope you heal.
To anyone struggling with this ask yourself one simple question...
Is this how I would want my daughter to be treated?
This will tell you everything you need to know.
🎯
That was what cleared it all up for me
Exactly, the parents’ relationship is what she will mirror in the future- so do you want your daughter in a relationship like this? Probably not.
YES
I use that when dating. Would I be comfortable having this man share a tent with me and my son? If the answer is no, then nope.
Anyone who can scheme cheating several times on their partner is capable of envisioning and working hard to provide for their wife and family. Tired of these deadbeat types leaving nothing but a legacy of pain and trauma for the children produced. Go back to college lady. Offload this dude and prioritise your kids. Goodluck.
Ikr? It takes so much careful planning and effort to keep an affair hidden and juggle multiple people at once. Why can't he channel energy that more productively. I think unfortunately the less successful a man is, the more likely he is to cheat. He feels emasculated and worthless, and seeks out validation elsewhere. Female attention temporarily boosts his ego. Stay at home dads are more likely to cheat than those who work. So it's like a one two punch, the guy provides nothing and also punishes you for supporting him.
She won’t. She ain’t the brightest bulb.
@@hillarybillary21Exactly, I mean look who she chose to have kids with. I can't imagine her suddenly having common sense and good judgement now...
@@hillarybillary21"brightest bulb" lol
@@hillarybillary21what is wrong with you?!
I was married to this guy. I did everything to fix it. Leaving was the best thing I ever did. My and the lives of my kids improved overnight. By 38 I was with the man I'd marry and my life was 100 percent the opposite of what I had before. I was in a healthy relationship that was the model for my and other kids (said by other kid). Life became good.
Congrats on overcoming the odds.
@@YoJoRockThaBeat Thanks!
So you married a guy who drinks kool aid and smokes menthols too?
Strange man living with your kids? Broken family and the kids watching their mom date random men? That’s not a win, dear.
@JourneyDestination If you would rather have her suffer, just say that.
She did what she had to and her life is better for it.
Kids do not turn out good when their parents have a miserable relationship.
I understand you love him but you must love yourself more.
Yes, when you've tried all you could, and your partner starts sinking the ship, its time to save yourself and not go down with the sinking ship.
Lacy, please, please take Dr. Delony’s advice. It's true you will wake up one day and wonder where life has gone. It doesn't change just gets worse and you will get older. God bless you and guide you.
That's my mom now
This poor lady is a married single woman with a sonsband
Sonsband 😹😭
😂😂
I have a feeling he smokes menthols and drinks kool aid
@@12yearssoberhey tell us what you mean by that?
@@FogJWrestling
I would if my comment wouldn't be removed automatically. Let's just say rhymes with slack
She’s so sweet. I pray the Lord will protect her journey forward.
Actually she's a doormat with no self esteem. Yes, he's treating her like S____, but she's also allowing him to treat her that way which says as much about her a it does him. My alarm bells went off when she said she gave up school for him which suggests that she's codependent and likely experienced as much trauma as he did as a child. I actually feel for them both but neither of them have any business being married - and not just to each other, but at all. They both need enormous amounts of therapy if there's to be any hope for their children to be healthy and happy but I won't be holding my breath.
@@avocadoaficiando 💯 💯
@@avocadoaficiando No way would I have delayed my education for a year just because some high school guy didn't want me to leave town.
For the people asking what ACES is here’s a quick explanation…
Adverse Childhood Experiences Test. Basically measures the amount of trauma someone has on a scale of 1-10. For example: A question that’s on there is have you been a victim of sexual abuse? If you answer Yes to more than 4-5 questions you have a significantly HIGHER risk of dying from a stroke, cancer, organ disease failure,etc until you go get well and walk through the trauma.
Thanks so much. It's great to know what that is!
Lace, I went through this for 25 years and I lived on hope. He was often unemployed, once for 5 years. He didn’t carry any weight on housework, etc. He was a decent Dad and that was one of things that kept me in with hope. We went to counselling and that helped for a while. But mostly, he let me down,time after time. I waited far too long to end the marriage. I didn’t have the courage. Other than my 2 beautiful daughters, I wasted 25 years of my life. Please don’t do the same.
Marriage is only for life if both parties want to be married and acts like it.
The amount of marital problems that I listen to on this show alone is so so sad. As someone that never wanted kids or marriage, I can’t even imagine going through something like this. WOW.
This is what happens when broken people find other broken people, and create the next generation of broken children.
Then broken society
You and many other women should stay away until the situation as a whole gets better nationwide.
As a man, I know how bad it is, and for you ladies, it just isn't worth the risk.
Stay safe out there, Ma'am.
Some people or culture manage to maintain a perfect picture on the outside while it's a tragic disaster on the inside. I am from the West Indies and I learned how deceiving adults were.
It's very important that: 1. the man is older in a relationship 2. the man pursues the woman ie he must call more than half of the time, no calling a guy constantly but he nevers calls you first. Same with texting first and inviting you to do things, paying for dates, coming up with ideas.
Bread crumbing- When a person your in a relationship mistreats you. Then he decides to be nice for a few months. Then he's back to his normal narcissism. Then he goes to be nice again. This is a back and forth for the relationship. He's being fake nice to confuse you, so you continue to tolerate his bullsh$+. This is manipulate. You don't manipulate and and mistreat the person you love. He doesn't love or even like you as a friend.
I really feel like on this call she should have led with the adultery part. That to me is the bigger problem than the job, albeit they are both disheartening.
I could stay through adultery. I could not stay through a lack of financial contribution
@@ineedhoezI couldn’t do both.
Broke and cheater . How is she still there trying……
@@Tonia_tipsexactly! How you gonna let a broke man eat up all your food and money as well as cheat on you?? Could never.
The pattern of adultery is the more concerning part. I mean the job thing we don’t have all the details in such a short call, but assuming the pay doesn’t change that much between jobs if he has a new job every six months then at least it’s consistent enough that the money doesn’t really change then it’s not good, but it’s not the end of the world, I would say he’s better off working for a temp agency. That way he can constantly switch jobs but he’s not quitting a job all the time, and at least the employment is at the same employer, the agency rather than where he’s working and then he can still change jobs as far as what he’s doing.
The job thing is the easiest part to fix it all this
The adultery if it was a one off is still bad but possible to fix in some circumstances but the pattern and constant disregard is where it’s an even worse problem.
That was my dad. Could never keep a job, would always pretend to have back pain so he won't go to work. And my mom was actually the primary breadwinner. When my mom divorced him he quit his job so he won't pay child support.
Sounds about right with these personalities.
Yup mine on SSD so no child support nothing
@@lilc5353You can get ss disability checks for your children.
I’m Mexican American
So we aren’t used to men not working
My daughters dad quit and started acting up a bit
He was kicked out within a month
Don’t let these men play you
What if you had saved yourself for marriage for God
@@JesusIsMaster777i doubt God is going to judge me for that. Besides it took 7 years for him to start acting up and cheating
I’m glad I didn’t marry him although I did want to. I’m sure god saved me from that.
One month of not working and you kicked him out?!?
@@yeseniamelinasoto7020unwed mothers do not provide a stable home. U will probably bring in one loser into the home after another.
@@beer1403seems like your mom taught you that
I’m a trucker who isn’t worried about a relationship
I work too much for a relationship
He cheats, he doesn’t work, he doesn’t care for his wife or children??? The lady needs to leave him and take her kids. He’s wasting everyone’s time. She sounds like a wonderful woman.
All this love is being wasted on a piece of garbage.
A bandit
This was my EX husband… best decision was to leave
My ex husband had the exact same problem, constantly in and out of jobs for 4 years, ultimately I ended up leaving him because I just couldn't take it anymore, don't waste your time honey, it's not worth it!
Was he black
I had a four-year boyfriend like this. I learned that if a grown man doesn't want to hold down a job, you can't make him.
Good for you John on telling her it's over. I feel bad for her... She's so broken.
That patience the woman has, that turns into shame. That hit hard.
She needs to stop being an enabler. Point break. Start to accept reality, he's showing every sign he's not willing to do anything for you. Leave.
Was married to a man who quit 2 jobs and was let go from another in 1 year. His parents thought he should go back to school while I supported him. He was okay with but had no idea what he would study but " it would be fun ".... for nearly a year he hemmed and hawed, taking only 2 brief freelance jobs. I told him get a job, by the end of the week, any job and we would work it out. He put me down as usual " nursing ( my job) is not the intellectual work that mine is, you don't understand". That was it for me... we had no kids, so it was easier to walk away. Years later I met someone who encouraged me was proud of me for getting my masters and raised a family with me. It can and will get better
He’s broken and any change will always be temporary. It’s a rare case but the marriage cannot be sustained with no commitment to integrity and responsibility from him.
Dear Caller, A couple of years ago I was in your exact situation. Trust me, make very firm and honest boundaries AND prepare yourself for him to opt out. I love how Dr. John says behavior is a language because that was what finally forced me to face reality. The divorce is messy, expensive and brutal. It will be worth it. Now, he has the SAME CYCLE, except his new girlfriend is his cash cow now.
Dr. John saved me..... if your husband doesn't wake up now.....he never will....trust me.
I am returning to school now and starting from scratch....with healthy boundaries. Kids need positive role models. LOVE YOU
These calls are just so so sad. My husband and I are not perfect people but our marriage is peaceful and focused towards building each other up. My husband (of more than than 20 years) is hands-down the person who makes my life easier every day in small ways and big ways. It breaks my heart when people make it clear that their spouse is probably the hardest, most stressful aspect of their life, making them question their own value. It shouldn’t be like that. 😢
Great point! Your goal should be to make your spouse's life easier and better, not to figure out how little effort you can get away with.
I could _never_ be w someone who doesn’t choose me everyday.
I’m worth more than that.
Good for you. Some people need help to get to that state.
This is my ex. Run. He's just going to move on to the next one. He's not your man; it's just your turn.
“Are you done?”
- John already knows the answer
Ugh! I was married to this guy for almost 6 years, after spending almost 10 years trying to make it work, I left. He refused to work! It devastated me financially, but I do not regret leaving him. Not for one second.
The ONLY thing I don’t like about your show is that you turn off their audio in the last 30 seconds for a mic drop monologue. We’re not able to hear them express their gratitude. It’s just a weird thing and I think people need to hear people say thanks, especially for the great wisdom you provide.
I've been at my current job for nearly 9 years and I was at my previous job for nearly 13 years. My point is that I've always done my best to keep a job and provide for my family. You have to do whatever is necessary in order to provide a stable home for your family even if it means working a job that you don't like.
Amen. Parents have to make difficult decisions. Thank you for sharing
If working at a job you don't like, why not find a job you do like? It might require study and upskilling for that to happen
Im a 10 as well. I live alone and have been working the past 5 years. Not an excuse at all
Girl get away from this man. Take it from someone who dealt with this. It doesn’t get better. You will never be able to achieve any goals or be stable.
Luckily I didn’t have any kids or I would have been done sooner. I would never put my kids through an unstable environment. My ex husband’s instability was why I didn’t feel safe giving him children.
Now that I am divorced I have an emergency fund, purchased a new home and no debt. I couldn’t get ahead with my ex husband. Girl put on your track shoes and run. No amount of prayer can fix a lazy, selfish, entitled unstable spirit.
Omg me too. Same exact story. Wasted so much time being miserable all BC of marriage.
Amazing how motivated a man is to effort and PLAN and physically exert and follow up and be consistent with his affair partners. Where do they find the ENERGY and endurance? Affairs are DIFFICULT to plan, organize, keep going, you really have to be an exceptionally creative person to successfully cheat with multiple people countless times.
Well said
People make time and find energy for what they want...
Says a lot about the type of person he is. She needs to move on.
Because they get the attention they need, it’s easy. Giving love and attention to children and wife isn’t always easy and requires being mentally healthy. He is not.
Well like the saying goes, If he wanted to, he would
Run girl. There is plenty out there who can offer you so much more.
She has all the power and leverage over the situation and she doesn’t realize it. All she has to do is use it and leave.
I spent 23 years married to someone like this. 😢 They don’t change. They blame … the deflect … they lie … please leave while you can. He is NOT trying … he’s buying more time.
Girl, NO!!!! He resents and probably hates you because he hates himself. He’s not worth throwing your life away for. He can’t work but he has the energy and ability to sleep with other women no problem. Enough of everyone and their “trauma” it’s become an EXCUSE to be a crappy person. Leaving will be hard because this is all you know, but trust me you’ll be just fine in the end and grateful that you’re not 40 wishing you left 12 years earlier. We only get one shot at this life and none of us know when it’s over so stop wasting your time, especially, on people who don’t care about you. I know that’s a hard pill to swallow but he doesn’t care about you. Move on and live, your future self will thank you!
Exactly! He’s spewing is hate for himself all over his family!
You deserve better. Never stay with someone who cheated.
2024 and I am just over codependents. The lack of accountability and willingness to take ownership over the things they allow people to do to them is just mind-blowing.
This man has violated the terms of their marital contract on multiple levels. He refuses to provide financially. He refuses to take over responsibility for child-rearing duties. He refuses to be faithful. There is no marriage. It has been terminated. The marriage was terminated the first time he stuck his penis in another woman. It was terminated when he refused to contribute financially to his household. It was over when he refused to be the primary caregiver for the children while his wife worked.
But her fear of being alone and her lack of self-worth is going to keep her there. She's going to use God as a justification of why she has to stay in her marriage forever. Even though the Bible tells you to head out of a marriage due to infidelity. She'll never leave because she doesn't want to.
Exactly. Codependents are their own problems . They disrespect themselves and no matter how hard you try to help wake them up, they just can’t see it. I’ve learned I can’t help a codependent friend anymore.
Bingo! 🎯🎯
Codependent women will always choose to stay even when they know they should leave. But they can't and won't leave bc they are codependent.
It’s nauseating. Equal rights since the late 80’s. No one Is a victim anymore. Don’t worry tho, when he finds someone new she’ll tell everyone how poorly she was treated and list the excuses why she “couldn’t” leave.
She’s codependent 💯
I think she is desperately trying to stay faithful to her vows. Doesn’t want to fail at marriage (who DOES?). Her Christian beliefs are holding her to her vows. For better and for worse. But Beloved, this can get worse!
The plant couple!! I remember them. I was crying, but they were such a cute couple. I could tell he was tense though. I really hope he can get the hope he needs.
I hope SHE finds herself too, because my husband even said “he looks checked out” when they were on stage. He just didn’t look happy.
Damn.
I laid boundaries and said if you do these things gs we can talk about what our future looks like.
And two years later and he did nothing. That speaks he doesn’t want to sit down and talk about what our future looks like.
I don’t regret making that decision. Enough of being destroyed by someone who doesn’t want to put forth effort for his family.
This guy is an exact distription of my ex. He is still this way. Thank god I realized it soon and left.
Mine was lazy and drugs.
I was her.
I got out at 27. He ruined my life. Rich parents, took the kids.
But im still alive. Took 15 years to get my life back. Now at 66, im in a paid for home. Decent amount of money saved.
Unable to trust anyone anymore.
Lifes hard emotionally. Jesus is my hope.
Congrats on making it out.
@@gutenbird thank you. It was the hardest thing I had to do because I knew I'd eventually lose custody. A very hard choice.
I get you really want to make your marriage work but there comes a point where your level of self respect needs to be much higher. Honey he’s making a fool out of you.
Sorry you married a child. You can’t fix him, he needs to do that.
I was shocked that the caller said she was 28. She sounds a lot older. This man is dragging her down and aging her. She needs to let this die.
You can’t make him not want to give up.
It has to be his decision and his desire. And there is nothing you can do about it.
This man could pee all over the house and she'd still stay. What more do you want him to do or not do to show you that he doesn't care?
Leave. It will be the hardest thing you ever do at first. Then it will be the best thing you ever did a little down the road. You can’t FIX him. They play the part just for a little bit to keep you hanging on.
This right here. ...is a good woman
Listen to me…….he will never change
Not once He asked why She married him in the first place. That’s the real problem here. WOW.
BPD is very challenging. He needs therapy to help himself with it, and this lovely lady needs a lot of support, especially if she's going to stay. ❤ Love to you Lacie ❤
They say alcohol makes it much worse and sometimes starts bpd wouldn’t be surprised if he was.
I really thought I would learn more about how to overcome job hopping (because that is something that I personally struggle with and feel an immense pressure to lead my future family), but with the cheating and other stuff, there’s clearly more to this conversation for this particular couple than what is portrayed in the title of this video
Yeah, I think the title is a little off. But job hopping is a tricky topic. So long as you stay long enough and move to a better one I feel like it can be wise. Staying anywhere more than five years seems silly unless you love the company. But yeah just jumping with no other job to go to is completely irresponsible. Especially when you have a family to feed
I job hopped A LOT for a while. Then I discovered welding and loved it. Didn't want to do anything else. I don't think there is anything wrong with experimentation. Maybe you would be better off working with your hands, or maybe you do better working with people, etc? Try something different instead of the same at a different location.
@@Observer-dd6uq I guess I’m curious how it’s defined. Like it seems markedly different if someone is hopping between McDonalds and Burger King verses say Chase and Bank of America while getting raises or better benefits each time. We’re long past the era of pensions with the obvious exceptions of unions, government employees, and military. So for most private sector jobs you’re probably not being paid what your labor is worth after a certain point. And a lot of companies claim to have good internal promotion opportunities, but imo HR tends to have a bias for external candidates a lot of times. I get your point, though, that at times it’s symbolic of a broader issue and of course it’s dumb if you aren’t making more in your next role
@@Observer-dd6uqgold digger
@@CD-tw9tv GREAT POINTS
Never hold back your education for a man. He was doing this in the beginning. Your husband is a bum.Divorce.
Leave this man child.
My first thought was the husband has bad untreated ADHD with depression. However I've heard/read several anecdotes where somebody thought they had ADHD, treatment didn't really do anything, got diagnosed with CPTSD, got therapy and whatever treatment for that, and had it be a night and day difference.
I thought same, ND Working patterns are 6 months, 1 year or two years.
CPTSD can cause personality disorders and it’s more likely BPD or NPD.
My wife grew as I just rode thru life. I started living and had a hard time coming back and making up for it. He can grow up and join you or go off and do what he wants somewhere else.
He wants to divorce her but want her to do it .
Take the children and Run away!!!!
Would you tell the same thing if it was a man who was calling?
Leave the kids. 😂😂😂
I sure would!@@georgemubanga1878
@@georgemubanga1878this is such a silly question because we already know that it's a rare occasion for a man to be the sole provider, do all of the domestic work, and child-rearing. If a woman isn't working outside of the home, she's a stay-at-home mom and taking care of the children. Period.
Men being unwilling to work is a very common occurrence these days. Especially in the black community. Black men's unemployment costs the economy 50 billion dollars a year.
Please leave! He not treating you biblically. It effects your children with his behavior. He very dysfunctional. This behavior will repeat in your children. You deserve a good man. Pray to God for what to do? Can family help you? I have been there done that. I wanted to leave and didn't. 38 yrs later, I regret not going.
15:08 BINGO! Harsh reality for a lot of women with low self esteem. Gotta be strong for yourself in order to walk away from someone who no longer serves you anything but heartache and disappointment.
Please go back to school! There are resources for free or reduced cost daycare and sometimes they'll pay a babysitter if they are certified. Many community colleges have on site care as well. I went back to school at 25 with a 3 year old. It's not easy, but if you want to go back, you can make it through. Do it for you. When you are happy and successful you are a better parent and you show them that their happiness matters in a marriage/ family. It's not your job to coddle a grown man. You need to take care of yourself because nobody else is going to do it and you are worth it.
Great advice 👍
Married to someone like this and stayed until I was 43. I was super happy in my single life but I waited too long. Best thing is that I got his social security because I was married more than 10 years. That has really helped me.
Being with someone who doesn't pull their weight (of their own will) is HORRIBLE. Best thing I did was divorce him. I'm in my 50's and we have mutual friends we both kept in touch with and he's in the same place I left him at all those years ago. Unbelievable. BEST decision of my life and one of the hardest as at the time I did love him as we had been together a long time (he recruited me young-met him in high school).
Did they say they lost a child? You don’t get past that for years?
Yes, there is something so.missing in this call. She blew right passed that. There are some real issues she has too that we don't know about. She's far from healthy either.
I’m single, in my thirties and just finished a temporary contract. Hate the idea of being unemployed for more than a few weeks. How this guy can be married and not want to provide is beyond me
Are people just brainless to not be sure they’re in a stable relationship before having kids? That’s a HUGE responsibility.
Most children in America are born to unstable parenting teams.
I agree with you 100%. I think the difficulty is when women in the faith community pressure women to marry young and teach men when they get a family they will RISE to the occasion and that a woman's belief in them will make them a better man. I think you are VERY RIGHT, but I also know women with high standards are often judged.
In away yes. They're not being very intentional and/or thoughtful. A lot of wishful thinking is much of the culprit imo.
I'll never be strong enough to talk to Deloney. I work 90 hours a week to support myself, child support and my lawsuit medical bills. I want To be dead. But I must continue for my son. But it's so hard. But I will press through always.
He is lazy. Dont wanna work and cheated multiple times. What else do you need lacie??? Come on 😮😮😮😮 girl. Run!!!
You said I do when you were too young to select a good partner. Forgive self and dump this one.
I am not pro divorce but, her husband has cheated multiple times and he won’t work. You shouldn’t put your life on hold for anyone. She should have continued going to college and she probably wouldn’t be married to him. I pray you make the best decision for you and the kids. Please don’t look up, you have more kids, and you’re going through the same ish as years prior. You deserve a better husband and the kids deserve a better father.
Crazy to see Gladstone lol they usually lump us in with KC. Best of luck Lacie. I'm currently watching my sister go through the same thing.
Awesome advice and guidance John!!!!
She could be me. For quite a number of years that was the way it was, except for the cheating.
I think it is difficult for people to realize they married a loser. I have not been unemployed for more than 2 weeks since I was 15. Im 39 now. I could not imagine not having a job to do. Men are no men without a purpose. He has settled with the idea that he is being taken care of. He allows her to be his mother figure.
Good point selfish 😢
My ex was like this, minus the cheating (as far as I know). I left and it has been a good decision. Really took the load off.
Leave him a cheater is always a cheater. He is looking for a girl or woman to support him. Now he has his wife to blame for everything. He will cheat on the next one. Sometimes these men works, but don't bring the income home. He is going to end up leaving her when he finds a fool to believe his lies and take him in. I know, I was married years of go to a man like that. My husband would get as kind and nice. Then all of a sudden, the branch would break. Don't waste your life on a man like that.
He needs counseling within the church and outside as a person.
She deserves better or let her go.
I feel for this woman. I am in the same situation and it’s wearing me down.
Learn to Fold’em
RUN !!
She put trust and value into this man, just for her to get dragged down. She needs to gain some self esteem and learn to detach and be independent away from this sinking ship.
The person with trauma has to want to get better; has to want to change. Has to be open to criticism, be open to suggestions, be open to looking at their own behaviors versus constantly bringing up their trauma as excuses for it. I say this as someone who is 7/10 aces score, not the same, but not from a place of ignorance, either. You can't save people that aren't actively working with you to be saved. You can, however, go down with them.... they'll drag you down into the pits of hell where they choose to stay. To me, this doesn't sound like a guy that's working hard to climb up out of that pit.... he sounds like a guy that's watching your family slip into it with him and when you're down there he's going to blame all his trauma on it... Because his trauma is like a figure that takes the blame, that absolves him of responsibility for it: because it's not "him" its the "trauma" . You have to decide if you're willing to go down there with him, take your kids down there, all because you don't want to "quit". Is quitting worse than that?
This is one of the best comments I've seen on this channel
Sage advice!
How did she drop out of school and then tried to go back, but claimed to not have help or support with the kids when her husband can't keep a job for 6 months? So he's not working and not helping with the kids? And he's cheating on her multiple times? He has it made there and if she keeps on being a pushover she has to be ready for this to keep happening and stop complaining. I cannot fathom staying with a man after he cheated, rather your Christian or religious or NOT, I'm not staying!!
He also cheated multiple times? Time to be done...
I hope that she follows through with John’s advice. This man has dragged her down in my opinion. Best of luck
That part about giving someone patience and it being received as shame. Wow. My old life in a nutshell. Thank the Lord I got out. I'd rather be happy alone than lonely sitting on the couch next to my spouse. Good luck to the caller, I hope she starts a new life for her and her kids without the deadbeat cheater.
Omg what a horrible broken marriage. She’s so sweet and determined. But it can be so much better for her…someone who actually deserves this level of dedication
Sad, but at least she is starting to see the situation clearly. She is the adult, and she has to look at her children's future. He is their "father" role model, and as tough as this is, it will be a lot tougher having to deal with them as adults. It's not fair for them. Hopefully there is a Grandfather, brother, or another responsible male they can be around. Won't be the same, but they need to shape themselves correctly.
This could be my story, the not keeping a job and the cheating. Listening to what someone else has been through, helps me see how horrendous my situation has been.
I am an lpcc and have been trained in Accelerated Resolution therapy. Unresolved aces don't go away. Please find an A.R.T. therapist!!
My fiance has ADHD and PTSD, his dad abandoned him at a young age and his mom was a no good mom, and even HE can hold down a tough full-time construction work for months on end. He only changed job to get a better paying job with better working conditions, in the same field. He doesn't even love what he does, he doesn't want to work if it was up to him. But he stays working because he feels it is his responsibility to become a provider, and look after the both of us. That is a man you want to stay with. A man who shows he loves you by the fortitude he demonstrates on the daily. The days when he wants to to to work the least, and STILL goes to work, is the days I am most proud and thankful for him.
Great guy. Congrats.
She needs to leave and try to find someone else While she is still young. And go to the courts and make him pay child support
He cannot be a child in an adult situation. Quitting every six months is not acceptable, and neither is cheating. Do not tolerate this. Start building something on the side while working on your marriage if that is what you want to do and should he continue the behavior, just say you're done when you have big enough structure to not have to need him or anyone else for an income and stability for you and the kids. A business, perhaps.
Enough structure not to need him for an income? He doesn't work half the time.
I feel as a society we’ve put TOO much stock in peoples childhood trauma/trauma in general.
Sometimes true
I agree in a sense. Is a traumatic childhood a huge problem? No doubt. But that does not relieve the person from the responsibility of getting whatever help is needed, addressing the problems and behaving responsibly.
@@blueseptember2174 I would say majority true.
@@anitas5817 still, we objectively live in the easiest time of human existence. Yet, we are more mentally fragile than ever. Every little thing that doesn’t go our way needs a therapist. It’s whacky. Look at females in general. They’ve never had life easier yet they’re making up the MAJORITY of the psychological pharmaceutical sales in society. It’s a problem.
Not giving up on someone when it comes to this is a terrible trait to have and shouldn’t be applauded
Man I really appreciate your videos you put out I have watch lot of your videos and it's help me alot in my current relationship