5 Signs You Need Stronger Boundaries
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- čas přidán 13. 02. 2024
- Do you constantly say yes to everyone, even when it drains your energy? Do you hold back your opinions to avoid conflict? If so, you might be struggling with weak boundaries. This video explores 5 signs you need stronger boundaries and offers practical tips on how to set them.
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When I finally learned how to have boundaries and discovered I was allowed to say no is when I realized who the narcissists in my life were. I never knew my relationship with them was dependent on the fact that I was a people pleaser aka lacked boundaries.
Yes yes yes! This is my story too
The same for me! I'm glad I woke up. It was so exhausting 😊
Saying no is the kindest thing you can do! Allows the other person the strength to figure it out themselves.
Yes. There's so much power in "No" but it also gives people your real answer. Not just what they want to hear but your deep desire and wish. No promotes real authenticity and genuineness.
Saying No can save your life. You can say it in a firm and healthy way.
Or silence...
What happens when the criminalls are disabbled and cant even understand you not doing their munipulation?,
my family is disabled,they only understand being in power/not being responsible.
irony=they watch spider man too.
Can not understanding haveing power work too?...
I might have it.
A cat that only sees slanted lines cant climb stairs=because they never saw straight lines=real life experiment.
guess I'm mean lol
Agreeing to help with a task even when you feel overloaded: describes my whole experience as a young woman in small churches, even when I had small children. I loved the people but I couldn’t say no
3 This means everlasting life,+ their coming to know you, the only true God,+ and the one whom you sent, Jesus Christ.+ 4 so what should we do? Mathematics
It can be especially hard saying no in the church setting. Boundaries are still important there too.
@@irwing8500 Psalm
Of David.
א [Aleph]
37 Do not be upset* because of evil men
Or envious of wrongdoers.+
2 spiritaulity comes from a relationship with the creator
Yes! That was me. Church can be the hardest area to set boundaries.
@@irwing8500 so very true!! Love thy neighbor as thyself..you can't love your neighbor if you don't love yourself. Setting boundaries is an act of self love.
I am learning to identify the differences between people pleasing behavior and the authentic me who genuinely cares about people.
What do you believe is the difference? What have you learned so far? Such a brilliant investigation!
I'd love to know too
I’ve been practicing this like everyone else on here, but all I can say is that I just KNOW now when I want to do something for someone. I feel energetic about it.
I hear that. Even with that I have to be careful because it's easy to say yes because of how much I do care. So I have been practicing saying "No" by saying No to every request made of me even when I really want to say yes. AND... I am not allowing myself to offer any explanations either. In the past, I feel the need to qualify and justify whenever I have had to say no. Nobody knows that I am doing this and I decided that I am going to do this until I am comfortable saying no without feeling guilty.
@@genevieveflores1159 That is smart. And stand your ground!
The first people to complain about your stronger boundaries are the ones who previously trampled over them
This used to be about me.
What scared me about saying "No" is a possibility of being alienated or even meet hostility as a result (I had a controlling mother when I was a kid who'd burst into anger if I refused her).
How did I get over it? I realized I don't need other people's validation to see myself as a decent person. It was my inferiority complex talking (they are better, I'm worse, so I depend on what they think of me). In reality they're not superior to me, we're on the same level, so their approval or disapproval means shit. Most of them don't really care about me anyway. Some are even straight up assholes. So fuck them and what they think. My mental health and comfort are more important than some bunch of strangers.
Well said! I need this thought shift..in reality most people are rude and dont really care for my well being....I relate to the parent figure....
You've gotten over it already!
You've got this!
You're doing fantastic! I couldn't agree with you more.
Those who care don't mind, and those who mind don't care.
You're living your life as you see fit and yes you are worthy of having your boundaries respected.
👏👏
I'm struggling with this now! Only God and my opinion of me matters. God is loving and kind, but also just and assertive. Jesus was NOT a pushover despite being so loving so why should I be? And he already died for our sins, so why am I taking up emotional responsibility in other people's lives that I should not?
Yes yes!!!🎉👏
This is such a cultural issue in the African American community. Thank you, Dr. Marks.
how so? can you expound on this?
Yeah, how is this cultural issue? Which issue are you talking about?
I see it in Hispanic culture as well, wondering if it stems from something else other than culture though
@@agent1.618 Agreed. Which part and what exactly is the issue?
@@karakol86 I feel like this is more of a personal issue (boundaries) more than anything else.
That bit about not being able to rest when you say no TO rest is awesome. I think that’s the trick with all of this self respect and care stuff; we have an internal dialogue that makes it too much work to stand up for ourselves.
Step one is saying no,
Step two is challenging the internal narrative.
Absolutely Jesse! That’s it right there 👍🏽
I wanna become something. 3 This means everlasting life,+ their coming to know you, the only true God,+ and the one whom you sent, Jesus Christ.+ 4 I
@DrTraceyMarks it's not people pleasing if the very fate of humanity is in the palm of your hand
@@lawrup We need some follow up! When was the fate of humanity in the palm of your hand? I got up in the middle of the night to care for my sick child when I was sick and had a fever and felt like a hero about that.
Yup. Grew up hearing that whenever I disagreed or said no I was suddenly an extremely difficult person 😂
I learned about setung boundaries late in life, in my late 40s, and have been doing very well maintaining them. It is challenging at times bc I'm an introvert who is very conflict-avoidant. But I understand the importance of holding my boundaries so I have learned how to confront people and problems in a healthy way. This video helps me see that I'm doing it right and I feel good after arching it. Thanx Dr. Marks.
Hey, Life starts at 40 lol. You're right on track! Good for you. It is not easy to learn these skills. It's not like they're taught in school. And unless you had good role models who set the example for you then we have to figure it out ourselves. It's challenging. I'm glad you've found your own path to creating and negotiating health boundaries. Look up Chris Voss's work. I think you'll really appreciate it. He teaches "The Art of Negotiating". He's a gem.
My sister n myself as children told by. My. Strong headed mom. Told us u aren't allowed to be. Angry at me. Or say no. To me. She would always pull the rug out from under us. She didn't want all 3. Of us. Kids be married. Have kids. Have boyfriends. Have sex. Wanted us as adult. Live next store to her n my dad. . She picked everything. Careers. Buying car. Dates. When we wanted to date. Or had. Secret boyfriend n she found out. Friends - she didn't want us to have. After my dad died , she became worse. Expecting. 54 yr old oldest daughter who lived oos. ( To get away from her). Live with her . Relocate n give. Up her life This women was violent all my life. Strangling me. Many times as a child. At 36, my father. Became more like her. Participating. In strangling me in public. If I said no to her. Wants at 36, I was strangle.
Over sharing personal details really hit home for me. One thing I noticed early in my career is that once I came out as gay, I was forever and always pigeonholed as "the gay bestie" when in reality, that mould didn't fit me. I spent too much time listening to women dump their relationship baggage on me and dragging me out to gay bars when i didn't enjoy drinking, to name a few.
It took me a while to learn, I am allowed to keep my personal life private, especially in situations where revealing this information gives people an inaccurate or unflattering perception of me. This is all too common with mental illness as well.
I'm sorry you went through that. It sounds like that was a harsh lesson and now you're aware. I agree with you about mental health.
Even as a Psych RN, I disclosed that I was struggling with my mental health and it was used against me. Imagine, being in a mental health profession and people not being understanding of you struggling.
You'd think you'd get more compassion and understanding and that was not the case. Part of what led me to leave a 17 year career.
I had a neighbour , who for years , every planting time in spring would ask for advice and get me to “ show” her how to plant them , I always ended up doing the job for her as she acted so helpless, the I saw through the act and just said “ go to the garden center and see what they suggest “ looking back I had helped her many times when she was perfectly capable of doing it herself . We have to value our time
Some people are users.
Number two is a BIG one for me. I react with dread whenever someone seems the slightest bit upset with me.
People are entitled to feel however way they feel, including anger or upset. You're not responsible for that. They have a choice to react or respond a certain way. And it's okay to get upset or angry, as long as you channel that emotions in a constructive way.
Not wanting to cause disappointment for others, is huge for me! I’ve said yes to stuff my spirit was screaming no towards just because of this !! 😮
I feel relieved to hear this though!
We all have to learn to listen to that sweet, wise spirit of ours. Oprah talks about that she learned this in her 40's and now unless every fiber of her being says "Yes1", then she's not doing it. She said "No" to Steve Wonder! She was petrified that he was going to "hate" her. But she did it anyway and guess what. Nothing happened. Live and learn lol
My emotional piggy bank is empty.
I get burnt out.
I'm working on boundaries w/ my therapist.
Ugh i am struggling.
Been given homework for "crying times"
Sounds like progress to me!
Make a plan, keep micro-adjusting and your expectations at bay and you'll get there.
It's normal to struggle. It means you're out of your comfort zone and growing. It means you're mastering a new skill. You'll never again be at an empty piggy bank ever again if you sort this out now. That's it. You're drawing the line. You got this!
This is right on time. My mom has always been someone who acts helpless and I have been letting her walk all over me. There is always an excuse why i need to sacrifice my time and energy to her, but Im so over it.
YUP
What be serious she is your mom mature buddy recogonise the triggers and work on how to inprove it rather than blaming your mom one thing iam hating is you seeinv her fault now when u big healthy and strong what about all tym she didnt sleep well cried when u were sick ran after u when dressing u to school how many of her effort and time did u take for u to speak that way mature and remeber she is also raising up for the first tym she also has her psychologucal trauma she didnt heal from thats making her act that way may Allah guide us all
@@gacalnoorey Honey with all due respect. You dont even know the half of it. How about we switch and you deal with her for a while. See how much you like it.
@@ebmage8793 😳may Allah guide u amiin
Could be a case of enmeshment with a potential covert narc. Protect your peace and keep a healthy distance
I don’t think I’m a natural people pleaser, but have been conditioned to become one by family and other people in my life. Having not been accepted when I show up as me-being manipulated to feel as though I’m strange or selfish-has eroded all trust, and now when I’m in adversity, it is next to impossible for me to open up to anyone.
It's strange how easily we take all childhood survival strategies into our adulthood.... without even questioning its sanity whatsoever.If we do please people,we do IT cause we were trained to do so as kids....to avoid punishment or being rejected. However, we are adults now and we need to unlearn this dysfunctional behavior to become our true authentic selves...we do not need to survive anymore,we are herę to truely live❤
It feels great to say no, and yes selectively. Once you say no, you can’t cave in. Be careful what you agree to
Expressing appropriately that you are overloaded and not have others listen is another awful feeling.
I feel like my father doesn't really have any conception of what boundaries are. He views people saying no to him (or people asking him to stop doing things that make them uncomfortable) as being ungrateful, rejection, or even a personal attack. There are quite a lot of examples of things I do for self-care that he points to to say that I'm selfish or not as good a person as I think I am. I feel like nothing I ever say or do will be good enough. And, at work and when I'm with friends, I'm terrified of doing _anything_ that might make people upset at me, or think that I'm weird or a bad person. Oh... And I also share personal information way too quickly as well... I really feel called out by this video ;(
I’d consider your father reads as deeply narcissistic so work on your needs in relation to that.Hes trying to teach you to not have boundaries by making you feel bad for having them.Yoy are ‘good enough’ it’s your father that’s trying to teach you that you aren’t.
I've been feeling guilty for my low boundaries in the past and I secluded myself from everyone on the outside just talking to family but now I am trying to get back into society but the shame still plagues me sometimes.
Its even worse with being diagnosed with autism so alot of things make sense
I hope I get over it and the shame. I just stay on my own now and not talk to anyone.
Shidddd, I LOVE saying NO
With no disclaimer..
People are so taken a back. 🤭
I have been labeled as Mean or difficult.!
Thank you for highlighting this issue, Dr. Marks ❤
I‘m autistic and I‘ve received a lot of accusations of being heartless, unloving and egotistical when I was being my real self over the years. With time I learnt to people please to not hurt others (which has become a big fear of mine) as well as protect myself from being hurt. It‘s so exhausting. When I eventually burn out I completely retreat snd say no to everything. Which also has hurt my relationships.
I feel I will never be able to do it right 😔
What if you learned about our Creator 3 This means everlasting life,+ their coming to know you, the only true God,+ and the one whom you sent, Jesus Christ.+ 4 I
@@VestalNumbre Begone Jesusbot, this is a place of healing.
@@mrglibb I am healed by Jesus Christ Psalm
Of David.
35 O Jehovah, defend my case against my opposers;+
Fight against those who fight against me.+
2
It's can be challenging to find the balance. You have to weigh your needs with the needs of others. Your needs are no less important than the needs of others. It's okay to disappoint people sometimes. As you already know the price of not disappointing anyone is burnout. That's too high of a price to pay. So, be okay with disappointing others sometimes, and you'll be disappointed sometimes too. That's just a fact life. I can see you have a heart as big as the Ocean. So you have to protect it. Remember also those who truly care don't mind, and those who mind don't care.
@@NeseretBemient thank you for your insight and kindness.
Easier said than done. I would agree start with the small requests
Thank you for this. I used to be a people pleaser but have learned to say no to almost everything now. People absolutely hate me for it and stop dealing with me. Oh well.
I rehearse my response ahead of time as I get asked to do a lot of things. I have no problem saying NO and won't explain why I said NO😂
Likewise sister! lol No need to explain!
I try to cushion the no with a lead in like, "I would love to help, but I'm not able to."
I worked as a manager in the food service industry for many, many years and one place I worked had training seminars that were mandatory for all employees. This was at a resort/ spa which catered to wealthier individuals.
The one thing they pushed on hard in these seminars was how to deal with guests that were difficult (which was a lot of them).
The mantra that was driven into our heads in order to placate difficult/ unhappy guests was "Do what it takes, whatever it takes". In other words- the squeaky wheel gets the grease, lots and lots of grease!
Now that I'm out of that environment I'm having to reprogram myself. My new self imposed mantra is "Don't reward bad behavior".
Sometimes I'm caught off guard and slip into the old coping methods and find myself "doing what it takes, whatever it takes" which really pisses me off once I realize what I'm doing.
I don't have any tattoos but am thinking of getting "I don't reward bad behavior" tattooed on my right forearm, just as a reminder.
That's a tough one. But it sounds like you already know that was bad programming. You have new insight and understanding. I don't think you need a reminder at all. It's already in there. The fact you're out of that environment helps a great deal. Because that would have been what would continue to perpetuate that cycle. If you're conscious, then you can't be controlled. You are awake and aware now. So no need to brand yourself. lol You got this! You were already branded but now you're reclaiming your power. That power is within you, not outside of you. You have knowledge and awareness in your heart and mind. That's your power.
I work as a trainer is sales field. It’s not uncommon to hear “don’t say no to a customer”. I feel like it’s broken me for almost a decade. Just recently a colleague that met me sent me a message that she admired 1) me being a straight shooter 2) having authenticity 3) having opinions. All 3 are items I felt like I lost in this career field. Needless to say, my colleague lit a fire back in me and I also want to get a tattoo to remind me of my essence. Now I must figure out how to mesh my true self into a career that doesn’t value my top 3 narratives I’m proud of. 🤔🧐💭
Very helpful. I've been a people pleaser for far too long.
Thank you so much for this video!! Especially the point about over sharing! I don't tell my coworkers any of my personal business because it is a workplace. I have seen too many friends get sucked into unnecessary drama in the workplace because they confide in the wrong person or feel pressured into offering up personal information.
Had a friend quit a social work clinic because he was pressured everyday to divulge personal information.
Recently, many coworkers were going through health issues. One person told me, someone overheard our discussion and blabbed. Everyone needs to keep their mouth shut at work!
Agreed.
Such a great point.
You're there to work, not to socialize is always my rule.
I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to serve. (Psych RN for over 17 years turned entrepreneur now.) lol
I feel so called out right now
We're all getting called out lol You're in good company:)
I used to be so afraid of disappointing others. And I don't even know where it came from. But I finally snapped one day and realized, "Well everybody else ain't afraid to p*ss me off," so I started returning it in favor. At first it wa sspiteful, yes. But now I'm just an assertive assh*le. And that's OK. How others react or respond to me ain't my darn problem.
Dr Marks, I so deeply appreciate your support through your videos, I have learned so much from them, and again I appreciate you.🙏🏿
tried to say no, but my toxic husband got everytime angry or said crying for hours or days even tho i explained i have no time and reasoned shortly why i say no to him. I tried to feel not responsible for his emotional states but it didnt changed a slight bit and drained me too, until i said yes to him. Very exhausting. Reminder: dont expect progress with selfworth and boundaries around really toxic and traumatized people. it just wont work. Seriously, only practice around supportive people 4:15
He has learned that if he whines long enough you will cave in , as children do , next time or two endure the whinging , do not bend , he will soon learn it’s pointless , as children do ,
@@christinebeames712i did and he didnt stopped whining until today
Overcommitting or people pleasing.
Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions.
Being unable to express your personal needs or opinions.
Feeling guilty when prioritizing yourself.
Sharing personal information too quickly or with the wrong people.
I wish I had someone like you as my psychiatrist. I could of been healed from chronic or complex trauma and have the correct diagnoses.
If you are in this boat, I highly recommend reading "Not Nice" by Dr. Aziz Gazipura. Definitely changed my perspective!
In the gig economy (im a musician) it's dangerously toxic to say yes - because it's easily justified as a means to not miss opportunities. The latge amount of lost work by turning someone down once is palpable. I dont know how to overcome it. It's not from fear of disappointing people, but fear of losing income.
The question is what is the price we pay for our income? What are we willing to pay for income? Is it worth your ethics? morals? your self respect? your time? your dignity? what else? And Are you willing to pay that?
@@NeseretBemientThe price I pay for my income is to not be homeless. It helps that i have control of my work schedule because I'm an independent contractor.
Thank you for highlighting this issue, Dr. Marks
I‘m autistic and I‘ve received a lot of accusations of being heartless, unloving and egotistical when I was being my real self over the years. With time I learnt to people please to not hurt others (which has become a big fear of mine) as well as protect myself from being hurt. It‘s so exhausting. When I eventually burn out I completely retreat snd say no to everything. Which also has hurt my relationships.
I feel I will never be able to do it right
People who are toxic will call you all sorts of names for having boundaries.These are not friends.
Copy cat.
I used to be like this, but now I say no whenever I want to, and I don't need to justify why.
Great video. I need to watch this a couple times
Thank you Dr Marks for this awesome video. With regard to oversharing, you gave some examples of the negative impacts this can have on those you share with, such as making them feel uncomfortable, judged, and overwhelmed. Through experience, I would also like to add that oversharing can have negative impacts on the person doing the sharing, such as leaving them vulnerable to manipulation, based on the information they have shared.
Absolutely true. I had a recent experience as such and it actually jeopardized my career. It was one of the biggest mistakes I've made and will never do it again. There's enormous power in disclosure. It's not to the person who discloses, it is the people who receive that information and what they choose to do with it. Thank you for bringing this point.
Man I NEEDED this in my feed today!!
As for finances, under the spending habits category, I try not to disclose how much I paid for an item. Not only is it uncomfortable, but many people like to shame you for how much you were willing to pay for something and some decide that bases one expensive item you bought, they can start taking advantage of you because they assume you have enough money / too much money.
Remember that in the USA and Canada, it is illegal for your employer to prohibit you from discussing wages/salary with coworkers, no matter what the businesses' clauses or handbooks or contracts say. So keep that in mind when considering if you want to talk about how much you make. "My job says I shouldn't tell my colleagues how much I make" should not be a consideration for the boundary.
My people-pleasing seems much deeper than this. Relationships exhaust me and I'm at the point where it feels much better to have no friends than to deal with myself and the stress I cause myself when I do have friendships. I feel the most peaceful when I'm alone because no one bothers me and, more importantly, I bother no one. I don't have anything to talk about anyways. Only those "off limits topics" spoken about in this video. And no one cares about that stuff anyways.
I check off a lot of these boxes. The hardest struggle I have right now is saying “no” to a job or relationship, because I’m just not feeling it or I want to quit. Also in some sense I don’t think I’m unaware certain information is private or personal, it’s that I’ve lost control and the sovereignty to make that decision. I just do it, because I’m desperate for their connection and to feel wanted/interested/close. But I end up telling people things they shouldn’t hear, and some part of me feels it isn’t right. It’s become automatic in a way.
It's understandable. We are social creatures and we need connection. And sometimes we do it at our own expense because we don't want to be isolated or alone. Also we have a need for connection and for meaningful work. Those needs are healthy and normal. Finding the balance between our needs and how to meet them in a healthy way is an ongoing process. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're aware of these issues and that is the beginning of change. You got this!
Def needed to watch this rn!!
I needed this
honestly needed to hear this . thank you for your videos ❤❤❤
I love your videos!! Shedding so much light on myself.
Oh this is a treasure trove of information! I love this video ❤
Love your videos Dr Marks 🙌🏼✅❤️
This is ME!! ❤❤❤ Thanks for this video
Thanks Doctor for this upload!
Thank You❤
❤Thank you. This was much needed for me and right on time❤
This is good, so helpful!
Thank you. Really helpful.
❤❤❤ Thanks Dr. Marks
Thanks Dr. Marks
Thank you so much as always.
Very good. Thank you, Dr Marks.
Well done!
Very helpful, thanks!
I love this!
This was very helpful! Thanks!
Thank you ma this video made my day 😊🎉
Incredible video, thanks so much dr. Marks
Thank you ❤
Thank you Dr. Tracey Marks for the insights!❤🎉
Thank you so much Dr. Marks. I wish I had heard this information years ago--but "better late than never"! Looking forward to your video on Narrative Identity.
Thank you. Please continue to teach.
Great applicable content with no embellishments. I wish there were more creators like you
Thanks ❤
Fantastic advice always thank you!
Good video Dr!
Off topic.. But I just wanted to say your hair looks amazing today Dr Marks ❤❤❤❤
PTL Dr. Marks…thank you for these videos; they are helpful 💯💌!
Great idea Tracey :)
Very good thank you ❤
Very helpful and complete video ❤
Thanks Dr, Tracey , thanks for the tips for the stronger boundaries
Thanks for sharing this valuable information.
Such a crucial topic
Thanks
this was very good and informative.
Dr. Marks, thank you for your videos. You are my go to video educator when I have questions. Thank you.
You saved me Ms.Dr.Tracy . Thank you
Dr. Marks the value and insight you provide has been very helpful to me. Thanks and may your future endeavors continue to grow successfully in a manner pleasing to you.
Thank you, Dr Marks. Very good advice. I've made all the mistakes you described.
Thanks!
You’re welcome and thank you!🙏🏽
Thank you!!!!❤❤❤ 2:29
❤ this thank you 🙏🏾
This was really good here
Fantastic video. I cried throughout as most of these wrong behaviors cause unhappiness around me. I need to take care of myself. Everyone should.
It's okay to cry. Sounds like a lot of grief is coming up for you. It can be very painful to see the suffering caused by boundaries being crossed. You're not alone. Keep learning.
Your hair is amazing!! 😍 Also, your channel is amazing 😊❤
🧡💛💚💙💜
What a Gem. Thank you
This is an excellent dissertation about a problem I’ve had for years. Thank you Dr. Marks for helping me find a way to deal with it. One thing though: the word IDENTIFY is spelled wrong in the first minute of this video.
Let your no mean no and your yes mean yes!