Secret to romantic relationships | Andrew Huberman and Lex Fridman
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- čas přidán 23. 07. 2024
- Lex Fridman Podcast full episode: • Andrew Huberman: Relat...
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GUEST BIO:
Andrew Huberman is a neuroscientist at Stanford and host of the Huberman Lab Podcast.
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Full podcast episode: czcams.com/video/eTBAxD6lt2g/video.html
Lex Fridman podcast channel: czcams.com/users/lexfridman
Guest bio: Andrew Huberman is a neuroscientist at Stanford and host of the Huberman Lab Podcast.
Secret to romantic relationships is to constantly 1. self improve 2. be able to offer value and 3. then leverage that to get what you want romantically
The level of Lex's romanticism and longing for a beautiful connection is touching and admirable.
Too bad women that could provide that are unicorns
@@kcb8130 I've just met one! They exist they reallllly do I promise!!!!
And that's, unfortunately, because he doesn't truly comprehend how different females in the modern world think.
Lex's desire/belief is possible with a highly intelligent much older women, well past their breeding years, when their drives & biases have been forged by reality & wisdom.
Finding a woman between 20-60 that would appreciate Lexs purity of love and values would indeed be like finding a unicorn unless he found a truly commited woman at church... but that also comes along with many other compromises and commitments that don't correlate with true love for beter or worse should you not be committed to an essentially beautiful but rigid repressive lifestyle.
I’ve learned to be wary of people who are perfectly capable yet continue to project a yearning for something as if it’s completely unattainable
@@kcb8130aww why you say that? We do exist :/ Also we are likely married or taken after 23-24 🤘🏻 My husband has been my best friend for 6 years. Hope you find someone like that and see how amazing life can be everyday.❤ Im not American tho Id suggest you travel abroad, find a high quality non egoistical partner.
I 100% agree about making sure your person of interest can even be a friend before you have sex with them. I waited a few months to get to really know my husband before intimacy, and IMO, it gave us a stronger foundation to work with. We have been together for 15+ years, and still going strong. We’ve had incredibly tough times where I thought it wouldn’t work out, but at the end of the day, when you know someone’s heart is yours, provided that you don’t abuse it, great things can happen. The bond is as strong as the effort you put in. I’m not knocking casual sex, but I never rely the need to try it…deeper connections have been very fulfilling.
A real way to test a guy if he's truly interested is if he disappears as soon as you mention friendship first.
@@dg5175yea but you can have a romantic “friendship”, never sleep together and still a man won’t move the relationship forward.
How did not having sex lead to "a stronger foundation to work with" and what does that even mean?
Crazy to think how conservative ideas like this came as a surprise and after searching for a long time. And im not judging, i'be been in the same place. It show us how hipersexualized our society has become. But we are going back to old wisdom that i think it could allow us to evolve as a species.
Beautiful story and 100% how I'm treating my next guy I'm dating. I agree it's to hypersexualized these days.
When two people love each other and commit to a level of selflessness such that they love the other as they love themselves to the deepest parts of them, that’s how marriages endure.
Agree.
Platonic relationship with a friend is spot on for gaging the respect and commitment to one another. Easy to decide when you know yourself and what you need out of the relationship. I study men and find in general there are more great men in this world than not. I love men. Thank you Lex and Andrew for this adult conversation. We're married to our best friend of 47 years. We celebrated our 45th anniversary last week. 🇺🇲
Same conclusion here too. Celebrating 38 yrs this fall.🎉
oh hugs! glad you have a good life. is he a loving, caring person ?
@@elise9537 24/7 the kindest person I have ever known, humor, generous and devoted to our children. We are thankful for making it through many challenges, mistakes we have made a few but we are committed to our children's well being and family unit. Adult children are kind people who care about others. We have open communication with each other. The proof is in the outcome. 🇺🇲
@@jelizabethpetrie6656 Congratulations 🎊 so happy for you too! May you have many more. 💞
How do you study men?
A quote by Sir Peter Ustinov that delightfully says it for me: "Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first."
I'm still betting Lex has a wife and 13 kids in Russia.
You been drinking way too much Vodkha my friend.
@@vidalskyociosen3326 I'm allergic to potatoes...
Yessss!
So dark that Lex constantly asks about romance and relationship advice... 😅
Why specifically Russia?
I agree completely about the getting to know each other first and how important it is to build up a true friendship. I wonder how many people take the time to really do this though.
I think friendship first. How can we love someone we have no clue about & just guessing and idealising? It's a projection of ourselves we are in love with and fuzzy feeling of being in love.
But also looking out for somebody who is responsible, good communicator, hard working & funny. Sustaining long term relationship & family requires maturity. It can be learnt along the way, provided a potential is there.Physical attraction is important, sharing same goals, mutual understanding, playfulness. I think " covert contracts" in part may come from self-protective strategies coming from early attachment and relational traumas. It's good to know them & learn to communicate them to your partner. Something undermining safety of a bond is really damaging in a close relationship. It evokes safety behaviours and mechanisms. Depending on attachment style they can be unconsciously damaging.
This hits different now 😅
Hubesy got busy
The secret is to find aomebody you're very attracted to that is very attracted to you so you both can completely be your selves. This allows you to both show enthusiasm & how much you adore eachother & grow the realtionship in a totally natural, not at all forced way. Any other way and you're acting and going through the motions.
Oh no, that does not work. I mean, people want that, it sounds great. But attractiveness will decrease over time, and no one can completely be oneself, only be oneself that (sometime) makes both of you happy enough. To find somebody you're very attracted and can completely be your selves is just the way to be disappointed and gain reasons to cheat. Because I was that person who can make the partner feel good and be themselves. And that never last over 2 months before I find someone more attractive and love me so much more (from my pov). The secret to great relationship is to keep things real and build the illusion of happiness. Have hug, have kiss, have joke, have sex, have kids, have $, those are real. Make dates, make reasons, make celebrations, those can be creative. If you chase dreams, you will fail. If you make dreams, you will have everything people can give. The key is the ability to keep making, and the intelligent to stop taking.
That's not a secret that's the most basic understanding of love.
If you look at the research and stats of successful relationships, those that focus more on connection and presence have more long-term success than those that prioritize attraction first. Attraction can often come later if you give the connection a chance.
Plus, that intense attraction tends to dissipate as you go deeper into the relationship, we’re more security is established, and that’s when people tend to bow out so to speak, thinking that those intense hormones or what it’s all about; chasing the feelings.
Love is very different than when you speak of.
@@peppiping It's basic? Yet most people don't know it. Interesting that.
A good recipe for the first 3-4 years. But attraction fades away. That’s a forecast with 90% certainty and that’s okay. You have to find other factors and work on them early on to not loose connection and attention when you start to loose early year attraction.
I learn so much from the two of you. And very honestly am charmed into listening to many of your topics. You’ve expanded my intellectual interests. This one I know about and agree with Andrew a hundred percent. Delighting (and resting) in another’s company is the glue for any and all relationships. As is awe, respect, emotional and intellectual compatibility. I would add one more. The very best relationships are when you are authentically and uniquely yourself, but somehow better, in the presence of your partner. Like the skilled diamond cutter, the other is somehow able to shine light through a facet of your being that you never knew was there. And without them, you shine a little less bright. The best friendships and romances do that for us, and we for them. We all shine more brightly in the presence of love. ✨
Omg..love your description so much..so beautifully and poetically stated!! Thank you for this treasure. It brings tears to my eyes.. it's so moving and inspiring. I'm saving it for future reference! I hope to be blessed with this kind of relationship someday. 🙏💕
A real friend, a honestly reflecting participant of all the moments together on the same chemistry, call her him mirroring journey fellow*ness, is the starting point of growth and relaxation.
Absolutely, 5 years of amazing friendship (love from the beginning), but it was so beautiful to have that trust and foundation to work with when we became lovers. To know each other without the added emotional flow of trying to negotiate being new lovers was a gift beyond understanding before I’d experienced it. It meant no doubts about who we are, and we could question whether we wanted this additional depth and joy. It’s was purer. We are 8 years in.
Congratulations. So it was love from the beginning but you were still not together? So you were both single? Or were you dating other people despite being in love with someone else?
Here to hear the MAN give away his secrets
That's the reason behind the Christian "waiting until marriage". It has to do with really knowing the person you want to spend your life with and then get physically intimate, also in tthat way it's more fulfilling.
Here in March 2024 I'm wondering what those good choices were that Huberman referenced.
I see people saying this a lot, what exactly happened?
My dear husband dedicated the Chicago song, One Good Woman to me on our 45th anniversary last week. We are not lucky. We knew what we wanted and shared a friendship and many talks before we walked down the aisle. We agreed to one another's terms. The basic values have not changed. Trust is never an issue with our relationship. Both Andrew and Lex are compassionate and kind to the world, good mentors for young males. I appreciate both of these men greatly. I'm thankful for their interviews and insights. 🇺🇲
Wonderful to hear, thanks for sharing, and many more to you both! 👍🙏
Huberman may have a point about starting out as a friendship. However, neither my mother or siblings found someone that way. They were in long term relationships with someone they hardly knew right from the start and then eventually married them. Only my mother refrained from any intimacy until she married my dad and they made it past a gold anniversary! All three siblings divorced or are in the process. I don't move on right away from a long term relationship....it's been 3 years and I am working on my self with the hope of drawing a man who is not like my exes. I was told by a military therapist that one has to change who they are to change who they attract. I need to be more of an extrovert, an adventurer, trusting, open to receive new friendships more sociable in awkward settings and less guarded around strangers. I usually settle for those who approach me but I think this time around I should take the initiative to pick out someone I am interested in getting to know. I've rarely ever had that kind of opportunity present itself to me.
why can you be so entitled to think ANYONE would care?
I know exactly what you’re talking about because I made that change in my life too and things have been better ever since
This is one of the channels that gave me the courage to start my CZcams channel 6 months ago about self development. Now I have 414 subs and > 100 hours of watch time. I know it’s not comparable with others but I’m still proud I started because I’ve been learning so many lessonsÀ we that I couldn’t have learned without getting started in the 1st place.
I knew my partner for 15 years before we got together! In and out of each other's lives until one day we're like hey, I like you ;) 5 years later with 3 kids and a mural business we run, we CRUSH it! Definitely not all easy but we have what it takes to work and grow together. That's the KEY. Can you go through things with this person and both continue to grow and learn from it because that's your agreement prior?
At the core of my being, I agree with and admire my wife's behavior with our children. I didn't think about the type of mother my wife would be when we dated. I just lucked out. But I sure as hell am going to tell my kids to think about that when they ask me about picking a spouse. I had no clue what a huge red flag narcissism is.
Women through my life have been box checkers. They gave me things to change about myself. I am now 36.. And I made those changes along the way.. No video games, no weed, no alcohol, I drink minimal caffeine, I exercise, I read, and I have a masters degree.. And I am alone. In my twenties I was a young professional mess.. But I did better attracting mates.. And I think it’s because I was myself. I often wonder, should I have made those changes? Is it okay to be the drunken guy that gets the girl and just makes mistakes? I worked hard to be the best version of myself. But that did not help me find a partner.
Your partner is waiting to find you too. Be yourself without harmful habits such as alcohol and perversions, that is true for all of us. Friendship without benefits is a great way to start a lasting relationship. You sound like a caring person that is willing to share. Kindness and respect is natural for good mates. I have been in a marriage 45 years, and I adore him. Andrew has great advice for unmarried people. Thank you Lex for having an adult conversation about the mating game. Thank you Andrew. 🇺🇲
There are definitely women that like men like you. The problem is the fact that they are high quality means that they are rare or already in a committed relationship.
Wow, as good as you are, it's like you're overqualified to love another,jk, don't be a drunk...love takes time sometimes ❤❤ always worth it though ❣️
How are you doing financially?
Being a good person don’t mean partner up
These guys are super knowledgeable, but they are speaking hypothetically as neither has a long rerm relationship.
Actually Huberman had 6 at the same time so he is a super expert
Thank you both, I found this so helpful.
2 single dudes speaking about the secret to romantic relationship
Edit, two 40+ single dudes
This sounds great.. how do I find them
Find someone who is agreeable and knows how to be a part of a team. Selfish people make awful partners.
Agreeable huh
Yea, someone who can give and take not just take..
@@iank3924 Then thats obviously not an agreeable person, that will be in the middle of between agreeable and disagreeable side
Great insights
Would love to hear about the brain aspects , wave lengths, connections, mirroring, nerons firing together phharamones and the like
"you need to develop a sense of taste" not all attractive people should be attractive to you 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼
I disagree with "feeling 100% YES" about a relationship, that's a generalisation that never works. No one ever feels 100% all the time and there are different people with different circumstances, challenges, thought patterns, emotional responses etc. It puts an unrealistic expectation on people. Mark Manson had a similar statemen "it's either fuck yes or no"... I would have never done a lot of stuff that I eventually really liked if I went with that principle.
Key stuff is always simple, do you want to be in a relationship in general? Are you sexually attracted, do you share similar values and future vision, can you feel safe and calm around your SO and can you communicate and resolve.
It seems that Andrew and Lex are little bit out of their depth here but still a great podcast.
"Looks great shirtless on horseback" 😂😂 #Legend
Great talk 👏👏👏
Very educational. 😮
👉Fantastic sexual compatibility does not necessarily mean long term compatibility!👈
i would really like to hear them talk about more evidence and data on this topic
Finding someone to mate with me is not the problem! Finding class is so hard to find! My definition of class is rare!
10:59 I love this.
100% agree . Thanks
No the take it slow is about getting to know the person to see if you can be around them long term
6:35 Lex thinking to himself, “Shit I better stop these one nights stands” 😂
I married 46 years ago after 2 years of dating. I was so very attracted to the nature of the boy he was 17 I was 18 he was adventurous we both were and still are we have had family and travelled we wanted a life less ordinary and we got just that despite many saying it wont last lol With many many (mostly self imposed) challenges we were always willing to give it a go and we always forgave each others idiosyncrasies and craziness we have been great pals indeed.
I see value in the idea of keeping things platonic at first: how much do I really like them if sex is not dominating my thoughts? The anticipation of sex makes it almost impossible to tell if you really truly adore the person in a pure way. Case in point: I recently met a very attractive and charming woman but didn't like her all that much as a person... yet walking away was such a difficult decision.
At this time in history it certainly COULD be the cuttlefish situation 😂
I agree with this statement because I identify as a cuttlefish...
I always tell my husband of 40+ years that there’s no one I’d rather spend time with than him…that’s a really nice thing to be able to say…🥰
That was my biggest mistake when I was younger. If I developed a strong friendship with a male friend, I could only see them in that light. Strictly platonic. I was completely closed off to the idea of developing a romantic relationship. Just glad I know better now… if/ when I decide to put myself out there. 😅
What made you realize that was a mistake?
translation: "I put all the good guys in the friendzone while I had my fun with chad but now I might want to settle down since they didnt want to settle for me, so beta boy will do just right, now".
@@jayarikishii That’s a great question. I think I was subconsciously protecting those I loved from who I was (or thought I was) at the time. When I realized I was worthy of love, I was able to see the love I was surrounded by, all along.
@@Man.Well93nailed it
Step 1: be attractive
Step 2: exist
It’s an oversimplification but unfortunately in the age of the internet, porn, SoMe and OLD this is quite true. The hyperaestheticization of society with pictures/cameras/media everywhere has given beauty a massive precedence when it comes to dating. Combine that with the halo effect and it goes to show how animalistic humans really are but our godlike technology obscures this very element about us and people prefer to act like it isn’t true because it’s a tough pill to swallow.
Step 3: Money
Get that negative garbage out of here. You chose to be an attractive person. Your comment won’t get you closer, keep complaining dude
@@vidalskyociosen3326Money doesn’t matter as much as you think. The money is just an indicator of social status, conscientiousness, and competence.
This is going to be interesting to visit in the unfolding of his current scandal. Trust advice. Really? 😂
Plot twist, Huberman was rock hard this entire interview
Ah yes, relationship advice from two single men. 🙃
made me laugh…I didn’t even realize that until you said it!
Only if you had a time machine!
Two single men who are 40+ and have never been married
10:37 i really love this
A lot of dudes in the friend zone are like yes, yes, and yes
True but even then there's no guarantee. A friend can become a lover then an ex, just like anyone else.
0:57
Lex is like, ‘enough already, just tell me how to get a girl’ 😂😂
This aged well. Hub max affairs
It's not so much friendship that is needed.....I think a better word is respect.....
Lex: "Yes, keep going. Looks great shirtless on horseback."😂😂😂 Lex, I like the same things Andrew likes about you. 👍💯
😂
I’m completely disagree with that last statement. 😂😂😂 no i don’t think you need to feel 100%. It would be good if you felt 100% sure after your married. But I don’t think I would ever feel like 100% when your dating. Maybe he means something different. But i think waiting to feel that way could lead to problems.
Great episode still!!
I had the same reaction. As an exhausted parent with an exhausted partner and two little kids I thought "those are the words of a single guy with out kids."
Lex and Andrew r so cool ❤😂🎉 so delightful knowing them goddess Ashirah Wendy 😊
Hmmm. It seems to me their expectations are too high of a relationship. Everyone and everything gets boring after awhile. Routine is not our favorite part of life, but it enables the branching out and growth which is the fun and exciting stuff. And sometimes reliability is important in life. But what do I know. Not much.
This is incredibly hilarious since Huberman has no idea about commitment and relationships
He does look pretty awkward.
@@alicequayle4625 he was nailing 6 chicks at once my brother
First 30 seconds were incredibly important.
Not really
Yeah I don’t think they’ve got this one right. 100% in a relationship? That’s too idealistic. Not how real life works. There is always a degree of compromise when you have different people choosing to build deep bonds. In my experience it boils down to choosing to work on it because life is at least slightly better than without.
Well….they’re both 40+ single men who have never been married. Of course they don’t know what they’re talking about
This thing about covert contracts is strange. And the trust thing is interesting.
Huberman is very covert if you know what I mean 😂😂😂😂
@@lyinbobbycottonseed yeh first time I've ever heard the phrase covert contract was from him.
“I’ve certainly made some mistakes, and some good choices in this realm.” But what is the RATIO Hubes, what is the ratiooo
Andrew Huberman is a very knowledgeable man, he should have his own podcast or something **wink**
The Huberman Lab podcast is his one.
@@george6977 I purposely added the wink and the joke still flew over your head lmao
@@george6977wooooooooooosh
Sophisticated wit. Well done.
6 women at once? Yea, pretty knowledgeable
And most definitely NO MORE online dating. It has proven to be extremely toxic for me.
i.e. "the "alphas" I select only want sex with me, so degrading".
I and my partner decided we only wanted friendship initially- neither of us were looking for a relationship. Three months later we both liked each other more as people and felt we wanted to make our relationship romantic. I think love is a doing words (a decision followed by actions - placing attention and effort into the other person - caring for them as it they are an extension of yourself. Lust is what often drives the initial stage of relationships (it did for me in the past) but this way has enabled me to find a genuine connection. By the way - the sex and physical part of the relationship is the best we have ever had. I hope this helps others as It’s taken me to my late 50s to work all this out.
I ship it
Getting to know eachother? So like a week??
100% !! That is all you need to strive for, look for, and along with being friends first and foremost, it's all you need to establish before getting sexual. THEN...... if it's all 100%, GO FOR IT! So nice and simple to remember! Be friends first.... or it won't work long term!!!
I’m not sure why I’m listening to Huberman. tell us how to have a romantic relationship when he’s not even in a long-term monogamous, romantic relationship. I’ve been married 12 years and have four kids. My husband and I are very happy together. Feel free to ask me some tips.
You can see they made friends at first look
"Sex is super important" Andrew Huberman ✌️
That’s an understatement for him ☠️
PINGTRP gotta edit this one
I'm a 53-year-old woman who looks 35 and I can't seem to find love. I'm not even sure I know what it is men are looking for. I think I can say that it's probably not me. Makes me sad. So many others seem to find it. But I want 100% or nothing. I want it to feel 100% like Andrew says. Can it even happen at this age ? Hmmmm..
Maybe you should look for love elsewhere to where you have looked before. Fingers crossed!
And maybe you can drop the need for 100% and just accept a small amount that grows over time into a lot more. Maybe people aren't willing to give 100% right away, and are careful with they invest and with who. Seems smart honestly, unless I've really misinterpreted your comment
Yes. It’s possible
Ive always been an all or nothing person. Its a deep and meaningful approach that carries a burden of harsh truths decorated with indisputable expectations or inflexible standards regulated by ultimatum. Let go of the ideals and embrace the imperfections of a journey not for the feint hearted. Black and white on occasion is classy but in other circumstances, its a shade less well than usual.
Of course it cant be you. You are perfect. and why care about what men want? the wall is Misogyny anyways.
There is a great Ted talk on the “physical chemistry of love” based on testosterone or estrogen and what creates long term commitment in the human brain.
"Just keep going...looks great shirtless on a horesback, yes." Had me howling haha 😂
100% I have everything I want except my husband treats me like his enemy and all I want is a best friend in him. Now I know about attachment styles and he is an avoidant, which was appealing after a sociopath, and will never give me the quality time I yern for. I gave him so much space, now he can have all the space, im done.
Yep leave him, there’s plenty of men that will want a woman like you. No need to waste time on him.
“Has an edge” 🧐
🍆
Lmfao right
I was so in love with my ex I used to just stare at him and in be in awe of him and just was so content just to be in his presence, but he hardly ever even noticed I was there half the time! 😏💔
Aww no.. I know this feeling too 💔
5:11
_whaaattt_ tf is he saying here???
Can anyone translate? Thanks 😅🤓
beautiful
And Just Like that- Lex and Andrew lived happily ever after!
My perfect relationship will be when Andrew realizes I exist and that we're perfect for each other 😂
Just do one thing or do so many things 😄
In relationships people who think too much think or are involved in physical relationship their capacity of doing other things will be very less. People who think less or are involved in a physical relationship,their capacity to do other things will automatically.
Sex is super important. That says it all
Amen.
I bet he knows a thing or two about this subject 😅
If I don’t know I can trust you with my heart, how can I trust you with my body? Wait for sex so it can be celebratory rather than routine…
Andrew is a class act
yeah, he panders to women, which is why you like him.
Really? 💀
6 chicks at one time, my brother. And those are only the ones we know about
single and no kids. Ok dude.
I think you two have found each other. Time to delete the apps 🙏
9:27 Friendship is Love but without a sexual purpose, you sublimate your true interest. Human beings are bisexual and we have to deal with both tendencies. Freud discovered it more than 120 years ago.
The pain of yesterday years Andrew Huberman and Mark Elliot Zuckerberg. Hope is a good thing Lex Fridman. Right?
So Lex, where is this picture of you, shirtless riding a horse?😉
I married my best friend. We were together for 14 years. We have a 9 year old son. She was diagnosed with breast cancers. I stood by her through all of this. My best friend then repaid me by having an affair with someone from work. She has now divorced me. She would not even try to fight for us. Go into any relationship knowing it has a limited shelf life and be prepared to be alone.
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain you're going through.
Why trash everyone elses love with this statement?
@@vivdoolan6846 I'm not trashing anyone or anything. If anything I'm doing the opposite. I'm telling people to enjoy the love they have in the moment. To savor it. Because there is unfortunately a high chance that it won't last. I'm also telling people not to place there whole world in that love. Because when it does end it can destroy you. That's what happened to me.
theres no secret. its a 50/50 flip . coin toss. no matter how cool you are , no matter how much money you have, no matter how good looking you are. always a 50/50. learn to gamble and accept loss. thats all i gotta say
If he had 13 kids our population would go up in IQ
Nope
Did he say pets??
God is the strength in my marriage . Its a gift ❤ppl