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The Deflecting Narcissist: Their Many Ways Of Being Evasive
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- čas přidán 22. 04. 2020
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Over the course of any relationship, differences and conflicts arise and need to be discussed. Narcissists, being self-impressed and in need of control, have very crafty ways of responding when you need to talk about strains or differences. Primary among their reactions is the tendency to deflect, throwing you off topic, if possible. Realizing the importance of knowing a narcissist's tactics, psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter identifies many of the ways narcissists attempt to evade accountability. Then he discusses how to keep from being thrown off your path as you hold firmly to your convictions and perceptions.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 40 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
Dr. Carter's personal website: drlescarter.com/
Dr. Carter's other CZcams channel: / drlescarter
Bookstore: survivingnarcissism.tv/books-...
Dr. Carter's online video workshops on narcissism, anger management, and overcoming infidelity: drlescarter.com/video-workshops/
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Narcissists are the only ones who can convince the world that you are guilty of their sins. Expert scapegoaters.
I thought narcissism was a medical condition. These unscientific discussions are as good as mob justice delivered in third world countries.
My parentenemy's lol parents/enemy's did just that as master experts, of course it's contagious lol my siblenemy's lol do the same thing it sucks yucky, yikes, icky, ugh and argh.
Siva Kumar obviously you’ve either never lived with a narcissist or you are one
Such truth! 👏👏
It's always everyone else's fault.
They talk in circles and cannot ever consider anyone else's perspective. Everything is seen as a " personal attack " and objectivity isn't even on the table.
We had Rod Serling to lead us through The Twilight Zone and we have Dr. C to guide us through The Gaslight Zone.
Please, call me Rod. Dr. C
Lol.
@@SurvivingNarcissism 🥰
Maria Montecino ah haaaaaa!!! Good one!
hahaha gaslight zone, good one!
Hearing someone else describe these tactics matter-of-factly is such a comfort and a reality check.
Sage 💕
You realise the red flags you been seeing were real...
@@ndumi-light If only I'd known what I now know - 25 YRS LATER!!
Yes! Thank goodness for these videos! It still frightens me how close I was to going insane with my narcissist husband.
Yeah he's good ay
Multiple ways they do this: blame shifting, change subject, not respond, ignore you, be stubborn, name-call, get angry, try to turn others against you, lie, re-invent the truth, etc.
Sounds like you got a sneak preview! Dr. C
And use evasive answers like I don't know when they obviously do.
And use evasive answers like I don't know when they obviously do.
Also add confusion by using terms of recovery, to put the issue back on you.
The crazy part of a discussion is they get you to doubt the validity of your thoughts / feelings
wifferste wow, all of the above!!!
Masters of double standards.
Ah, so that's where that comes from. Makes a little more sense now.
They can dish it out but they can't take it.
@@heidihgreen That is the narcissist in a nutshell!
🥥
You are so right!
Yessssss
This is so accurate. "Adult conversation" with a narc is a pointless oxymoron.
They are perpetual children in adult bodies
Candace Casey Exactly. Narcs grew up physically but they didn't grow up mentally or emotionally
#FACTS
@@candacecasey5634 I agree. Unfortunately much scarier
Do you want to know what is hilarious? Often when I bring up my feelings to the narcissistic person in my life, they will say things like, "If I was conversing with an adult..." to of course imply that I am the one behaving immaturely. Do I really have to point out that "adults" don't make insulting insinuations?!?! The lack of logic and projection would be completely hilarious if it weren't so tragic...
My narc mom's favorite deflection: "I didn't raise you that way!"
My inner response: "You didn't raise me at all."
Amen... I had to go back & figure what was my Mother's & what was my own true thoughts & feelings bout everything around us... no contact with her & getting away from her forcing her needs & evil, negative feelings & beliefs onto me was the only thing allowed me to go back & grow myself up as my Holy Spirit inside was trying to guide me...
I can now take the correct path God gave me; so no longer "constantly step into sh!t" as she called it lol & no more life chaos in choices I make & all I do...
their conditioning kept me from finding my true path or even understanding scripture - understand much scripture now- broke free !!!!
....the devil is a LIAR
...& God is THE TRUTH, the life & the (only) way
@@randigut2490 I did it this way too! Scripture! Beautiful Scripture! I started that on a daily basis over 4 years ago. I started watching the narc vids about 2 and a half years ago. It was like God was saying "You're gonna listen to ME FIRST, them I'll lead you to some awesome info with someone I TRUST, so you understand it better in your own language." It changed my life forever in nothing but a positive way! We have an amazing Father in Heaven. He does indeed want us to put Him FIRST always. He uses those down here HE CHOOSES to help us. God knows where His righteous ones are. He'll lead us right to them. If you just always ask God first. God Bless Dr. Les. I'm only subscribed to 3 of these narc awareness channels, not just any of them. After I checked out so many. Evil spirits, the ones who fell with Satan are what we call narcs and other choice terms. They do all act like Satan himself! Characteristically just like him. They've been acting like this long before they were born here! Another subject for another day.
@@yime6631 ...Amen ...I'm so thankful my experiences & subsequent extensive research led me where they led me...
..to love, peace, CLARITY, light of truths & most of all God's patiently waiting palm
May he Bless you ALWAYS
hahahahaha....good one! I can relate!
Exactly!!!
With mines, I raised myself.
“Make up their own truth as they go along.” Truth.
They speak the lie, they believe the lie, they teach the lie, and they practice the lie.
@@malacolly3902 And if they succeed in convincing you to believe the lie, that's proof that the lie is truth. *barf!*
Cognitive dissonance combined with gaslighting is the ultimate emotional abuse especially when coming from a parent.
Betelgeuse, My elderly mother lived with a narcissistic spouse who blamed everyone for his mistakes. One day around age 87, she said to me, "But you....and then stopped herself in mid sentence." When I asked what she was going to say, she answered, "I'm not going to finish that sentence, because it's not fair to you. It's just always what was done to me, and I'm just now realizing it has been a damaging family habit of ours." I guess you could call that blame shifting. After that, we became so much closer.
@@notagain779 Insight at 87 ! Who would have ever thought
@@pavla2055, I wondered about this, also! I guess it means you can always re-assess what you've been conditioned to believe is normal.
Amen... it's dangerous to a young mind & young life ...a terrible start & a set up for future failure
...I struggled with it for nearly 50 years & am finally free from it after going no contact with my mother & finding myself
Thanks God !!!
Randi Gut > I’m the least educated member of my family. At least you’re free or getting there. Pray for me.
That's your color Doc. Very nice shirt.
I noticed that as well. Reminds me of a nice Orvis shirt that I picked up second hand.
I noticed too..
It’s called the universal color. It looks good on everyone. 😋
Deflection modes:
1. Invalidation: "How can you think in such a way?!" or "
I can't believe you really think these things about me"
2. Denial: "I've never said/did it" or "This has nothing to do with me"
3. Character assassination: "You're such a looser", "You're always finding fault" or "You're so dumb". Throw these qualities on you hoping that you'll get dragged in a discussion about YOU and YOUR CHARACTERISTICS
4. Reversal: put the focus back on you
5. Communication shutdown (silence treatment, ghosting, or just
standing in front of you in silence and avoiding eye contact)
6. Mocking and ridiculing tactics: sarcasm, eye roll, speack in a sneering/haughty way like "So you're telling me that I'm the most impossible person that you have ever met. Wow, it must be so difficult to be you!" "I'm so scared that you're gonna complain about me again"
7. Confusing questions and comments (form of gaslighting): "You know, you're costantly making mountains out of molehills" or "Are you sure what you're saying actually happened ?Because there are many people who talked to me about the same thing and they have a totally different story" or "What's the deal anyway?! What do you want?" so you have to go back again and re-explain yourself and they'll make another confusing comment in a continue circle
8. Refocus the attention elsewhere: put the attention on another person or event
9. Circular debates: try to challenge your logic, for example "Don't you remember? You told me the exact opposite last week than you're talking to me now, so what's going on?"
The worst thing you can do is plead your case.
TheSara1103 thank you for the summary 😁
Thank you ☮
Yep, it always falls on deaf ears.
I think we also have to remember we normally do 1 and 2 when dealing with the Narc. Trying to defend and and explain ourselves.
Nr 4 was dad's favourite.
Questions bounced back like tennis balls.
I find the silent treatment extremely immature. I literally cut people out of my life when they engage in this type of deflection
And yet I did this out of despair many times with my BPD/NPD or whatever she is ex. Trying to have a conversation was impossible. At some point I would just shut up or walk away while she was still screaming at me or calling me names. Then some days of not talking to each other.
Dealing with narcissists is like trying to nail jello to a wall...
Very well said
Or fighting a tar baby.
Excellent analogy
That's how I feel.
I get... All you do is put me down and beat me. All the while... I'm trying to sort something out or get an answer
They use your past mistakes to invalidate you in a current disagreement
That's exactly why you CANNOT talk to them EVER about ANY subject of choice. It's useless to reason with them. About ANYTHING. So very boring with them. Duh! 🤯
Took me way too long in figuring that one out when it comes to anyone else still in denial who still depends on them for anything. But I have no regrets.
57 years with one. God, how I wish for just one good day!
You can't reason with them everything turns into an Argument no ACCOUNTABILITY they will lie before they tell the truth.
You can't even have a casual conversation about anything because they are data collecting and sure as shit, that topic is going to come up soon down the road and not used in the good way
I like how they say "EVERYONE KNOWS " that you (are some horrible thing). Like they have taken a poll of everyone you've ever known in your entire life and they have all gotten together and found you miserably defective!
Janet Stonerook , Yup, so true. This is exactly what my ex would say, leaving me totally baffled, and confused.
Exactly , this is what follows my "everyone knows, that you are no good for me" "everyone knows you are a flirt, that's why you have no friends" . Ouch, that still hurts me. But am on my way out if this nightmare.
@Nai Armo, good luck to you, you can do it. I escaped after 8 years of hell, with nothing but the clothes I was wearing, and now 31 years later he’s still trying to weasel his way back into my life. This channel has helped me so much in dealing with my situation. God Bless.
@@sparkytoday8455 thank you! It's been a tough day for me. I have hope that I will be free of this soon after the quarentine. I managed to calmly say today, this is over. That caused me probably about one extra hour of reasons why I will see how good I have it now. Dillusional. But, I feel this is my beginning of the end in this marriage.
They often want to pretend that they have an Army behind them...
Twilight zone, is an excellent analogy of the alternate reality of the narcissist.
Cliff P. Do doo, doo do, doo doo, do do
Thank you Dr Carter ---"The biggest mistake you can make is to plead your case." So many of us have learned the hard way. Your videos are life saving!
It gives them extra power
Even more motivation to abuse!!
Absolutely!,,, I had enough after I pleaded my case and he shut me out again and played the silent treatment,, so I blocked his numbers and went grey rock !,,,,,
Ain't that the truth!
everything about this doctor is so interesting. the way he presents himself is comforting and insightful.
Barbara Chipman Comforting is everything
Barbara Chipman And calm and courteous
When they finally realise they can't outsmart you they turn to a demeaning tactic like bringing up something the think will hurt you, then pretend that they had no idea it would hurt you.
Or they say, "we don't need to discuss this anymore, it is getting out of hand and we will say something we may regret later". Even though, nothing is out of hand and everything is all calm. They are exhausting.
What about when they become the victim once you hold them accountable for their nasty behavior? “Oh, I guess I’m the worst person in the world!” That’s a biggie I have to deal with.
Or, cry gasping for air. Begins to pray and ask God for help. Am so sick of my situation.
Nai Armo Otos it gets old, doesn’t it?
I must have been a horrible mother to make both my daughters hate me! My grandmother said that just last Sunday
Or how about the line " you don't really know what I've been through in life"
so, you're perfect? or, so, it's all my fault?
"Let's bring all your friends into this and see what they have to say about you" Holy CRAP... THAT has to be the most intimidating tactic ever, wow. The lowest of the low
Klausbärbel Fömm haha, priceless.
@Klausbärbel Fömm my narc sister has no phone number or any other contact to my friends and this will stay like that for sure!
Live CrueltyFree Now even lower is to say “ask your daughters what they think about how you treat me”.
I would object...It's nobody else's business.
Another one: “How dare you cause me stress by bringing this up with me! My health can’t take you constantly challenging me! You’re going to make me ill again with your invented complaints!”
I had a friend who is a narcissist who also has a mental illness (severe depression and anxiety). Although I know her condition is real, I sometimes think she uses her depression as an excuse or a cop-out. I was so sick of it. We’re not friends anymore.
Ive heard this so many times. I was my moms scapegoat.
O my....lol.
Ain't this the truth! 😂. My X was so by the book. Almost 9 wasted years.
That is what my narc. friend did last time before she took a timeout. She blamed me for her burn-out because i had talked too much negative stuff. How could I have put my problems on her table, while she already had so much to deal with? I wished her well to recover from the burn-out but she replied that if I meant to have doubts about her mental state: nothing was wrong with her. She was still charming, stable and positiveminded as always. She only needed to ignore other people's problems or get their excuses for causing her stress.
I am just figuring out a lot people in my life are narcs and this a line I have heard so many times address to my dad ( he like a dad) and everytime he or anyone tries to confront my mom ( she like a mom) omg she says this or I am not going to argue with you..that's making blood sugar go up and once I am going to be out of limit then I'm going to be in trouble not you and...now that how do him telling to stop disrespecting him turn into her blood sugar will be high...oh man I wish I would seen this 10 years ago because I'm totally in disbelief of the abuse we have going through
They can’t answer a direct yes or no question for the life of them
What about the famous line "It's always all about you." Oh that one aggravates me. It is indeed almost never about the other person in the narcissistic relationship. Narcissists are too selfish for 2 way streets.
@Wendy Violetta Myers Mmhmm
That’s another case of ‘capital R’ reversal. Narcissists are into reversals. Alternately they might get into the triangulation another ‘directional shift’, they love to use.
💯
I get that one a lot!! I’ll be trying to talk to him about the emotional state of our children and somehow he somehow does the whole, “you always try to make It about you” thing. Like, WHAT?!
This video couldn't have arrived at a better time .I have lived 40 years of the silent treatment and you did a good impression of how he looks lol.........working my way out of the "Twilight Zone" ...
..Thank you, universe and Dr.C!
@Susie Williams and @Blubird You will see how wonderful it is to get your own life back! Wish you all the best 💖
Susie Williams I lasted 10 years with the silent treatment and left. I haven’t missed him a day since. Sadly I am still dealing with the effects of divorce on my children 😌
@@charlotteboyett-napper4780 There are a bunch of free resources online for parents and children of divorce here's one good one: www.jw.org/finder?wtlocale=E&docid=500300101&srcid=share
Hope you and your family are able to heal from your experience. Take care
Susie Williams good luc. hope you leave soon.
Stay strong it does get better.
I use to get “its all in your head”, or the “I never said that”, and for the longest time I thought I was crazy. The emotional damage they create is horrible, thank you for making these videos. All the abuse for the many years I have been married, is validated by my therapist and Dr. Carter.
narcissists spin confusion with the intent of making u doubt your own reality & it is crazy-making. see the 1940 movie Gaslighting.
Or you said it you just don't remember trying to make you think you're crazy 🤣🤣🤣
In an irritated child’s voice- “we’ve already went over all of this a hundred times!”
I'm screaming, "I know what you're talking about!" This is exactly how I feel when speaking to my mom!
Master deflector....He used to say: “why are you like this; you are such an angry person, it’s all in your head.” He would try to get off topic, and when that didn’t work, he would walk leave the room. And then... the week long silent treatment followed every time.
Gaslighting + Silent Treatment = Relationship In A Ditch Dr. C
the narc i had the misfortune of "existing" with would state, "why do you always have to bring up the past!!?" if i ever needed to bring something hurtful to me up....that would typically indicate the "convo" was over since he'd storm off somewhere and proceed to give me the silent treatment....talk about narcissistic injury.....
I’ve heard that dialogue a million times myself.
Same here 😒
Dawna oh yes. That’s a very familiar one! And, “why can’t you just let it go?!” In other words, “why are you trying to hold me accountable for my actions?!” 😂
Dawna yes
So true! My mother tongue is not English. But in translation what my narc mother says to me and my dad when we confront her is exactly the same as "why do you always have to bring up the past?!".
Ha....experienced EVERY one of these. I felt like I was losing my mind for years until I woke up to my own co-dependency and saw how badly I have been manipulated by every narcissist in my life. Your video have been invaluable to my healing.
Amen; mine too.. stay STRONG in Gods Light of Pure Truth (the truth gives us wisdom to set us free from evil afflictions) ... stay close to God by turning away from all evil, God's love & truth are our strengths over darkness & lies in this Spiritual Warfare on Earth cuz of devils reign here...
Hi, you described my situation to a "T". I will need many years of intense personal therapy to un-do the damage that has been done.
“If you need to make me the villain of your story, go ahead.” after I said let’s talk about our feelings and figure things out together. I’m recognizing so much here.
Aaaaahhhh! That one is so familiar.
"Common sense is not common sense to them." So true! There is no use trying to argue with them or making them see sense. They just need you to comply and they don't care what you think or feel.
O geez Dr. Carter I have experienced all of this. No you can't get through to them..
I've heard all of these, almost word for word, from my narc brother. And the silent treatment, although we didn't even notice he was doing it. And the sneering, which we ignored. So now we're dealing with the narcissistic rage because we gave him back what he dishes out.
The deflecting narcissist. Yes, my covert narcissist ex partner is a very good example of this behavior. Especially at the end of our relationship and afterwards. I had to make a couple of appointments with her so I could move one. She used of course the shame and blame game but also the silence treatment. When we agreed on a date and time to meet and discuss our situation my ex cancelled twice two meetings, just 30 to 60 minutes before everytime. She had no real reasons of course, she is just afraid for confrontations. Especially when she is not in control. My reaction was anger because I wanted to finish this fake relationship. I supplied her of course with this reaction. So when you confront a narcissist with this they react in a way such as: "you are not mature, making agreements comes from both sides and you are not co-operative. This is not my fault, it is yours. We discuss this later with new terms." And finally they say: "I didn't want this to happen". Haha, LoL. They play the victim card and blame you for not keeping up the agreement(s). In fact, when confronting them they don't take responsibilities for their behavior and action. Very immature, insecure, frustrated and angry persons narcissists are. It is so obvious once you have learned about narcissism and have the right info about it. Good luck to everybody.
Fun Lovin Bloke
Thank you for an eloquent summary of what "they" are and the devastating disappointment "they" inflict!
Tell me about it. It's never their fault.
@@nancyclark-gaines6856 lol. Yep...
@@nancyclark-gaines6856 u
They train you to prepare for a argument if ever called out on their bs. They’ll bring up something you supposedly did 6 months to a year ago to get the attention off them.
It’s totally a waste of time and energy. You just have to make a decision. Is this what you want to deal with or make room for someone who is mentally there with you on the same page.
I’m over this bs. Good luck everybody.
They will reveal their tricks if you are around them long enough: Quote from the Narcissist's Handbook-- "IT'S LIKE NAILING JELLO TO THE WALL." A complementary technique from the Handbook is-- "Hilarious Ambiguous Answers/Statements" eg. "YOU HAVE A POINT."
What book is this?
Are you from Texas?
That's a good one to remember.
This is so painful to hear. It is, however, a slice of peace in a world of chaos. Whether a pastor, or a boss, dad, president, or neighbor - it is so vindicating to hear Dr C and all the others who have been a victim of the narc. Deflecting is aggravating. They are cruel and sadistic. They are very good at taking THEIR problem and making you the cause.
chinookvalley My ex, who was and is very ill, said that I was the cause of his medical problems because I started taking him to doctors. Of course the fact that he refused to take care of himself had nothing to do with it.
State my truth? I can't even finish a sentence!!
This is how every conversation goes.
Oh my ... now that I get to hear Dr. C's wise words, there is much clarity coming through! I'm so grateful to you, beautiful soul. You are giving me strength. 💙
SandraDee so... my NMom got upset with me because I was in the process of switching out her old sagging box spring and bed frame. Because I took the initiative to do it, she’s 100 years old, she got mad because I didn’t wait for her to direct me(?)... She started a nasty row with me saying she was going to call people to deal with the mess I was making... I told her that I was going to call people, too. Stopped her right in her tracks! She howled, “Now, why would you do that!” 🤣😂😆
He gave me strength!!!💪🏾💪🏾 Watching his videos has kept me on my toes with my Narc!!😉 keep listening, then you can have a little fun with the narc as well!🤗😉
Thank you Dr. C.!!!
They have truly learned how to master double standards.
I was told, "It would never be my intention to hurt you." Meanwhile, the same behaviour was displayed over and over, over. How can someone do the same behaviour over and over and NOT intend to hurt someone??
That’s my story. So confusing to deal with. You’re telling them that they are hurting you, they say they don’t want to hurt you then turn around and do it over and over. I weighs on you.
I always get “I really wish you’d stop overthinking.” So, so frustrating.
Keep thinking, AND doing what is best for yourself. Dr. C
Twilight zone amen. It make me more and more realized I'm not crazy and not stupid . I'm ok . Thank you Jesus.
The biggest thing my mom has been doing is when she sends cards now she puts in “I hope we can get to talk and work out these issues”. I sent her a text 3yrs ago & went no contact, then a letter like 2yrs ago stating my side of things cause she had been going to everyone but me about this (haven’t talked to her for 3yrs), and not once has she acknowledged any of it. She’s more than welcome to write a response, but she wants it to be over the phone, and I bet it’s so she can talk me into changing my mind like she has done in the past. Not worth it after 20+yrs of it.
Ryoko16bit I can totally relate! I have been no contact with my very abusive narc mother for 8 months now (I am 53, she is 76). She just emailed me saying, "I'm totally unaware of any harm or wrong doing done to you, but if I have done anything please forgive me ". So I responded with actual examples and facts of things she has been doing and has spoken that hurt and damaged our relationship. She responds saying "your facts are not my experience (?), I cannot relate with what you are saying, so I don't feel any guilt or shame, blah blah blah, but IF you say I did all these things, please forgive me." This general apology without taking responsibility for any harm done was her way of trying to snake her way back in. I stuck to my guns for the first time in my life. I'm so proud of myself and I feel so free!!
C G That’s similar to what my mom did with me in the beginning too (I’m 39, my mom is 60). I had told my brother what was going on & surprise surprise, my mom then sent a letter saying she was going to listen. She didn’t listen before, so why all of a sudden now, right? LOL. She’s also tried to guilt me by saying how she misses seeing & talking to my kids, & how sad it is she can’t see them. Stay strong & stick to your guns. As soon as you give into it, she’s got you back. For me, I’ve been basically in the mindset of if she isn’t addressing/responding to what I’ve sent her so far, then it’s just her trying to get me back to “her normal”. As much as it bugs you, don’t respond back to her covert replies. It’s like being a fish going after the bait on a hook. It does get easier as time goes on, & you’ll feel the weight lifting. If you have someone close to you who you can trust & talk it through with, do that. These videos are a big help too. Anything that will help you be able to be more aware of what’s happening will help with getting through this. Hope it all goes well for you😊
Nirva Rybak Oh I know. She’s been like this for quite a while. She sends those cards & says about talking to make me feel guilty for doing it. It’s easier for a parent to do it to their kids cause the parent knows them better than most people, & the parent/child relationship makes it hard to see clearly cause it’s what they’ve grown up with. Me going no contact is new to her in the 20yrs of back & forth we’ve done, so I’m figuring she’s trying everything to not have to reply to what I said in my letter cause she’d have to admit there’s an actual problem. She wants to resolve this her way & I’m not doing that anymore cause it’s never worked.
Oh my goodness!!! My ex used every single one of these tactics! It’s appalling!!! It’s as if there’s a book they all read to learn how to be a narcissist! I’ve been out of the 23 year toxic relationship for 2 years now but I’m still learning exactly what happened, trying to make sense of it all. Thanks once again for your insight and validation! ❤️
Yes, sometimes I feel like I'm still reeling, finding out about this condition and the man I've been married to for 33 years.
Goood for you. Eventually you will feel better. Hang on to yourself.
@@susannay.3437: 57 years here. Keep yourself healthy and safe. God bless you.
My exhb also displayed all of these tactics - I agree with you that they must have an instruction book they all study intensely! It will never make total sense to us because it is all so abnormal and pathological we’d have to be like them to understand how they operate.
Narcissists change the goal posts and the rules constantly to suit their needs.
Their narcissistic silence used to bother me now I just thank God for it....
My work colleague, when I was diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis was baffled as to why a Rheumatologist would be the one to diagnose it. She questioned me about this in an email, so there would be documentation. Liars think everyone lies.
It's akin to trying to herd cats...Or attempting to untangle cooked spaghetti...Happened to me this week, while on a phone call to the Pathological Narcissist...They also get in the 'Drone Zone' (especially when on the phone), and they talk uninterrupted for sooo long, deflecting, projecting, devaluing...Best thing is to leave the phone, and go off and get a cup of coffee (maybe a 3 course meal), and come back half an hour later...Basically, don't listen to any of it, and you won't get drawn in.
I do that all the time so that she cannot get into my head with word salad. I hold the phone at arm's length and when I hear that eventually she has stopped talking at me I take it back and simply say yeah ok....she has never once noticed that I don't have a clue what she has said and it lifts my spirits so much to play that game!
My ex-narc’s favorite deflection modes were to defer talking about the issue until later (we never did, because the topic was a again deferred) or changing the subject. In company, if I were expressing an opinion, he would-loudly-talk over me and then denigrate me behind closed doors. At the end of the marriage when I discovered he was having several affairs, he made overtures about getting back together, because I think he wanted to preserve the finances. When I told him I had significant trust issues because of his rampant infidelities, he told me they were history; we need to move on. I considered his counsel and did in the end move on-by myself. I’ve never been happier.
That's one of the most frustrating parts of the relationship. You try to discuss something that is causing problems in the relationship, but the topic gets muffled by all the noise. They won't acknowledge the problem. Instead, they deflect and blame you. My husband strung me along for years saying he would put my name on the house title but never did...even though I paid half of the mortgage. Then, I realized he had created secret social media sites. He was grooming his next victim. I moved out.
It WORKS!!! WE share a child and there is NO WORST PARENT, Iwatch ur vids n so does our 13yr old. Its my duty to show him how to maneuver and he is VERY AWARE LOVE YOU DOC!
Thanks so much for sharing this. Having to share child custody with a narcissist is one of the most difficult conundrums. It requires a delicate balance of accepting the raw facts while trying to teach a better way to the child. Glad you and your teen are figuring it out!! Dr. C
I wish I could afford to talk to someone but I can’t ... lost my job cause of the corona ..... but at least l can listen to you .... but sure wish I could talk to someone
Truth Seeker hang in there, wish you well
Google up free helplines you can call. They have 24/7 councellors. I called one.
I feel for you!
Wish you well, Truth Seeker. ❤ I think Dr. Carter has a live chat available.
Truth Seeker I promise this is almost AS GOOD! I’ve been getting all my “free therapy “ online !!!
You are talking about my older sister to a T and then some. I can add that when I used to tell her something, she would ignore it... ie: this vitamin is great! A few weeks later she would tell me her friend had this amazing vitamin... I’d say “I told you about that a couple weeks ago!” Her response? “No you didn’t!” Happened a lot. Or, when we had a disagreement, her go to was “stop your drama”. Drove me nearly insane! Now I’m healing and my CZcams subscriptions, such as yours, have helped me sooo very much! I can’t express how thankful I am for you. Btw, my sister and I had a disagreement in December. She went silent on me to this day, as a punishment. It’s the best thing she could have ever done for me! That’s when I started to subscribe to these channels. Funny thing is, she is the one that sent me the first YT Narc link, trying to call out our brother as a Narc! Irony at it’s finest! He’s a Overt Narc/psychopath. My family is full of them. FULL. Thanks again for all your help in my healing. You’re awesome. I want to start a channel to share my experiences growing up with older sibling/family Narc’s... in the hopes to help people in my situation, not feel alone. My hesitation is the fallout should a family member find my channel. I no longer speak to ANY family members since my Mom’s passing. Not a one of those flying monkeys. My life is so peaceful now! Thanks again for being you and helping me heal. Stay safe Doc and all Survivors too!
I can relate. I too have an older sister who is one, and many in the family circle as well. Are we narcissist magnates? Peaceful being an introvert now. Sorry for your loss.
Bree View PLAYLISTS Thank you so much. I often wonder if I’m a Narc magnet too.🤦♀️ I agree, being a peaceful introvert soothes the soul. Stay safe, healthy and Narc free ❤️
Soooo identically familiar! As a kid, watching shows where eventually listening to & reasoning with each other worked to settle all problems (from Father Knows Best to The Partridge Family, etc.) I always wondered why that wasn't working in our family (2 narc older sisters). Good thing many of us grow to figure it out and move on with life. Like another commentor recently said, that we can escape them and go on to have happy lives but they have to live with themselves forever. For sure!
Good thoughts to you and to your Mom's next adventure! Looks like my mom will make it to her 95th b-day afterall. Holy cow!
The best to us all in the universe!
Melanie McCann I’m so happy to read that you have moved on with your life! Kudos to you! I’m trying to.. but, just yesterday I received a call from my lawyer. Yes, during a pandemic, my Narc/Psychopath brother is now escalating the “suing my Mom’s Estate” to a court TRIAL. It’s out of hand and I’ve spent my life savings and then some, trying to defend myself over the past four plus years. Now there’s going to be a trial. My final retainer will run out and I will have to go to trial unrepresented. Almost $100,000.00 has been spent already in legal fees. I have nothing more to give. My brother’s affidavit it all lies. ALL LIES and nobody cares about that. Nobody will address it. Nobody will help put a stop to all the litigation. I keep hearing “everybody lies on Affidavits and nothing you can do about it”. It’s a cruel life that I’m living right now... just because I have a sick in the head brother... and because I was close to my Mom and he was estranged for years. The Canadian justice system is failing me beyond measure... theres been no justice. I’m at a loss. All I can do is watch it happen. Sigh.
I'm in a similar situation and have found Dr. C's videos so helpful! (I'd watch your channel, too, if you start one!)
She deployed everyone of these tactics at different times over our 14 years. The silent treatment was her favorite. We never discussed issues. She said I was lecturing her or attacking her. I'd say no, I'm trying to have a conversation so we can resolve our issue. That never happened. We'd give it time and soon we'd act like nothing ever happened until we repeated the pattern again.
My partner is a Narcissist. He recently cheated on me. When I talked to him about it, He was never at fault. In fact, appearantly I am the one who cant be trusted. He took the time to give me a list of all my faults and short comings, avoiding the conversation at hand...Now he's giving me the silent treatment and acting like I wronged him for days... While he keeps cheating on me.
Oh, but I'm not allowed to be upset. I'm the one in the wrong. Always.
I'm pretty proud of myself that I figured out my narc husband in just 2 years of our marriage. He's everything you said in this video. It used to drive me crazy, now I just laugh at him and be disgusted by his sick personality disorder.
i going through the smear campaign. THE LORD is my strength.
Hang in there, don't try to defend yourself. The narcissist will be exposed for who they are eventually. It takes time, but they will have done this kind of thing once too many times, and you will be vindicated without saying a word.
thank you ❤
Amen... knowledge is power & Lord commands us to turn away from all the devil's evil & tools of lies & manipulation... he is after our souls; mine is NOT for sale
...our narc experiences give us discernment to tell good from evil & so it's now our time to become warrior of God's Light of Truth on this earth where the devil reigns...
The devil, he is a LIAR..
..& God (thru Jesus suffering) is THE TRUTH, the life & the (only) way
...stay close to God, he is our strength & wisdom in these times
...I thank Him daily for teaching me well & allowing me the suffering that finally, after 55 years of living, Ive listened to the message & it has saved my soul from devil ever getting grips on it again...
The Narcs run from me now when the see God's Light of truth in me for fear of their darkest lies being exposed... I no longer NEED to SPOT them; they spit me & run quickly- thanks God !!!
Life is great, God is an AWESOME God
Stay close to God...
@@Sunny-iq6hm ...Amen !! God wants us to guard our heart- it's not for sale (just like our soul isnt) to devils evil attempts to make it bitter ...love, price & clarity to all facing the enemies attacks... he is weak, hateful & enraged when exposed..
turn away as God commands in the scripture & he is then totally powerless over our hearts & souls..
He is weak without deception !
@@randigut2490 and pray for those possessed by this demon known as narcissism.
Ugh, this basically describes every serious conversation I've tried to have with my husband for the last 27 years. I just don't talk about anything serious anymore 😔
My favorite is when they act like they don't care about the choice of pizza place so when the order isn't perfect he would of choose the other place
It's like once u see all the signs u can't unsee it ever again
Soooo true! They are all the same!
LET YOUR LIFE REFLECT YOUR TRUTH!
This is so spot on. Painful to even listen to. He does every one of these. All that matters to them is they feel superior. Facts do not matter to them.
Had to quit talking to my dad because I would get so infuriated trying to reason with him when confronting him about past experiences that truly caused a lot of inner turmoil for me. He was physically abusive and when I expressed how scared I had been of him and what he’d done on a particular incident that was terrifying he told me that I made that up in my head. For a moment I stopped and thought about it and then I got mad and that was the moment I realized I did not even want a relationship with him. I had been off and on cutting him off throughout the years but wasn’t over feeling that it was my fault until hearing that. For me it was proof enough that it wasn’t me who was the delusional one. I still love my dad and I love the things he did that were good. I do wish our relationship was different. However I also know that I have no ability to change it on my own. I have put in my effort and I’m done making excuses for him.
I hear ya,. For me it was my narc friend saying "I keep making up reasons to be mad at him" after he had already "apologized" for it and "owned up" to everything.
Another was him saying he didn't appreciate the friendship and took me for granted. Mind you, this was after I have him 2000 chances and we had started talking again after 2 years. Sometimes they say things that just make you completely loose hope that they are decent people.
@@josereyes1148 sorry that happened to you.
@@kittiemarie1235 I'm sorry you had.tk.go through that as well. Good luck.
What concerns me is with 20 years seeing a psychiatrist, seeing a clinical psychologist with my partner, and finally a therapist to deal with anxiety and losing my job, NO ONE ever talked about him being a narcissist which we then could have taught me the skills to live in that life. Here we learn that the problems in this relationship REALLY ARE not simply us being too demanding, but THEY are incapable of a NORMAL reciprocal relationship. I’m angry about the way I’ve been treated in counseling and thrilled that someone KNOWS something about narcissistic people.
I didn't know you knew my ex husband , spot on 100%
Yeah, we talked. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism and I'm glad you < did>, your videos are so helpful, I wish we had them when I was married, many of us faced a narc not knowing what we were dealing with, which did put some at risk, myself included.
Were you married to my ex?😂 i was wife #3 and wife #4 left him after a year. I was the stupid one that stayed 28 years
@@kathyfrank1108 I was wife #2 lol
@@noellac4802 lol, you poor thing
When they toss their word salad, throw some oil and vinegar on them. Laugh and walk away.
bhaha. thank you for the laugh.
So true! Have to just change everything they say about me into they are just describing themselves. It's more clear and not to take things personality at all. It's really nothing about me, just a broken soul is screaming.
“Peace out.” That’s how they gaslight. And when confronted on the gaslighting, they sweetly testify to how they’re simply doing whatever it takes to “avoid an argument.” The best thing to do is take the peace and GET OUT.
Thanks as always, Dr.C! Always good reminders and there’s almost always something to be enlightened to, regardless of how many times i listen/watch. So, thx!
Geeessshhhh 🙄🙄😬😑😐😶OMGosh..TRUTH! I was not born yesterday, however a narcissist thinks I was at times! Inconceivable! LOL 😝
And they are Not very intelligent at all..very childish really! So insecure and Insane! Great Video, Thank You!
I remember having serious issues with a work colleague and I wrote a whole page of questions I needed to ask regarding their actions. But, then I remembered the last couple times I tried dealing with this colleague over differences & accomplished nothing because this person was so good at deflecting & then making themselves out to be the victim. I didn't even bother as I knew how futile this exercise would be. Eventually, I had to settle matters through a lawyer & left.
They can be subtle and act completely innocent. "I might of said that, but I was kidding." or, "I think you misunderstood what I was saying."
They’re full time, spinning chaos, in addition to their nauseating alter persona that they use with others. When called out on their alter persona, they’re highly insulted and they declare that their integrity is of the highest level.... 🙄🙄🙄
Holy shit. I have had to be witness to my narc that I'm currently stuck at home with. He's working from home and listening to his fake persona when he talks to his business contacts. Barf.
tribblegirl2 right.....? Smh 🤦🏼♀️
Wendy, they are much more than twisted.....
My ex-husband's favorite was, "Monica, your perception is skewed!"
In it's own odd way, coming from him, that was an affirmation for your normalcy. Dr. C
Most of the narcissists that I've been close to jump to rage as a deflection pretty quickly. I always thought of them like a puffer fish that would just blow up and get prickly at the mere hint of conflict. Maybe it's just because it works so well with me, personally. Anger easily intimidated me and the threat of abandonment terrified me.
I think I'm. Feeling that way too
My ex's favourite response "you're having a whole conversation with yourself". I now see this as "I'm not interested in anything you have to say".
For over 20+ years I have lived with the deflections and word salads arguments in most every conversation that I have attempted to have with my soon to be ex CN wife. Rational and logical conversation will rarely occur with a CN and especially a CPAN. The past 5+ years have been crazy making hell. She always complained that I do not listen to her or let her speak, when in fact she was doing the deflections, devaluing, and most of the taking to tell me how wrong I have always been. She NEVER wanted to address her scat, her negative actions and her destructive behaviors affecting our marriage. When I drafted a lengthy letter of concerns and issues along with strict boundaries and limits, then she discarded me and filed for a divorce. You guessed it. She wants all my assets for her years of pain and suffering from avoiding the truth and me wanting to resolve issues. A victim to the end.
I'm thinking this is why we have courts to preside over legal arguments. So everything is kept on point and anything said is supposed to be backed up with evidence.
Can you imagine if we could do that when interacting with narcissists? That must be a narcissist's worst nightmare!
My mom a lot of the times tries to invalidate what I feel when I tell her my feelings. 💕
Or my favorite, my covert narc husband if he is feeling good he will act like he would love to talk to me but he’s given me the silent treatment for so many days he cannot remember the details of what made him so upset but he is so sure he was justified. Sometimes I get the silent treatment over the silliest things. This morning it was because I wanted to know what he wanted to eat for breakfast. He refused to answer me and walked away.
And when you start to figure them out, you are now “crazy”. Which is generally a good indicator that you are on to something
Biggest takeaway: State what you want. State what you are going to do if they don't do it. Stop explaining yourself. Follow through when they don't change. This what got the narc out of my life. I had to whatsapp block, to make them stop texting me. Because they was too easy for them to do, but having to pick up the phone and speak was too much effort for them.
You nailed it on the head! Heard them all and can add a few. I broke up with my narcissistic man yesterday after finally realizing nothing I said really mattered. I had been trying to discuss something that had bothered me for a long time. We had been together 14 years and noticed that on the odd occasion he mentioned the future it was always about him and what he wanted. He used singular pronouns. "My" future home..."I" want a small house...etc. Never once asked what I wanted even though he expected me to build it with him. When I questioned if we were building this home for him or us, he didnt want to talk about it any longer and accused me of making it up .Then came the blame game and telling me what "I" think...even though it was not what I actually thought. When I caught him in frequent lies he would ask "why am I lying?" Not why do you think I'm lying? Two separate questions yet would pressure for the answer so he could avoid getting caught the next time. He would tell me how much he loved me but accused me of not loving him enough. If I questioned him about anything he would say so you think you're perfect? When he couldnt think of a good lie, he disappeared for a few days and refused to answer my texts or say where he was. I, of course had to explain my every move...where I went, who I talked to etc. He once told me he slept with another woman and gave explicit details comparing her vagina to mine. The next day he said he just made it up to make me jealous. He gave me no reason to trust him but expected my unwavering trust. If he bought me something, he later threw it back on my face and told me I didnt deserve it. He left me twice, each time without warning and when I needed him most. First when I was diagnosed with cancer, the second during the pandemic. Now expects me to beg him to come home. Not gonna happen. Game over.
It's truly amazing that narcs like this are employed as helpers in society at large.
Dr. C. you are a master at your craft. Unbelievable...!!! Thank you for making it so simple.
Thank you, Dr Carter. Your statement is so true, “ let your life reflect your truth”.
"Well, you always...": rather than discussing the issue at hand, the interaction becomes a personal attack.
Some people are like clouds when they go away ...its a BEAUTIFUL day....
A pure Heart and the Gift of Gab is always the best way to irritate the narcissists, they'll usually want to get out your life because they know you won't succumb to their ploys .
Wow...and scary. Sadly, you are so spot on Dr. Carter. My husband has exhibited ALL of your examples. That leads me to believe that he is at Expert Level Narcissism. Where were you 14 yrs. ago? Your kind & gentle lessons would have saved me a LOT of angst. The one thing I still don't fully understand is how they can be so incredibly different from their true selves during dating? How do they keep up such a fraud for so long? Having had a loving & wonderful relationship for 10 yrs. (with someone else, obviously) & hearing from one of his 25+ year friends that I am the 4th long term relationship that ends up this way - gives me solace & hope, to know this isn't my issue. For now, due to finances - I dream of my freedom & look forward to it with joy. Sorry for the novel. Loved the fire in this video & Thank you again for helping us Dr. C. Stay well.
Mille grazie Dr. C.
You have helped me immensely. It's been a long heartbroken road and I'm finally taking steps towards my own path.😊👍💚
Absolutely correct! Do your work. Know yourself. The tricks of the narcissist will not work on you then. 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
it's not about you; thank you so much! especially when you're at the receiving end of the narcissists wrath, it's so great to hear your words that it's not about you! thank you so much!!!
Trying to pin down a cloud ...... Very accurate
I've encountered all this treatment from my narc sister...no contact is the only way to go...sad but true.
This is great and disturbing at the same time. Thanks for the reminder of what I experienced. Evil.
After living with my narc 23 years, and dealing with a mother in law narc, it just amazes me that they waste so much energy acting like they do. It’s comical to watch them throw temper tantrums like a 2 year old. My mother in law really thrives on pity, she will stop at nothing to be the center of attention, and when she’s not…first, she pouts, and when ignored, she’s angry, and after that....she ALWAYS ends up going to the ER for some mystery illness, and 99% of the time nothing will be wrong with her physically anyway😂 one time they came to visit and they stayed in a hotel (thank god) and they were about to leave to drive back home, my father in law calls my husband and tells him she fell. My first thought was, oh crap, she fell, she broke something and that means they will have to stay in town longer🤣 My husband hung up, and said “she fell and you won’t believe where” I said “is she ok? And which hospital is she at” my husband said, “they are at the hotel getting ready to leave, and she fell on the carpet in between the wall and the bed” I said “are you freaking kidding me, why did he even call you about this” my husband said “he called us because she thought we would want to know” UNBELIEVABLE!! Another time they came to visit and I was in the kitchen (which wasn’t far from the stairs, and I could see her out of the corner of my eye) she was fine coming down the stairs, and at the VERY LAST STEP, when she realized I was right there, she throws herself on the floor! I don’t know what my face looked like but my brain was melting with anger, this may sound mean, but I didn’t help her get up🤣😂. I was so unbelievably shocked someone would do something like that just for attention! Later, when we all went to eat I got to hear the sad pitiful about how she fell ALL THE WAY DOWN THE STAIRS! I could go on for days with stories about her faking illnesses, or making herself fall, all in the name of “attention”
Sherry Irwin Ex mother in law calls her 70 year old son Every morning. He’s a narc too but evidently she’s queen narc because he has to tell her what he’s doing every day.
Cosmo Zar is that sick or what!!
@@speedskater5613adult momma boy. The controlling mother never allowed the son off her grip. Never allowed to jump off the crib. Never allowed to take independent decisions without at least keeping her informed and / getting her approval. Basically stunted her own child in his adolescent age and beyond... (sometimes coincidencely sometimes willfully, for their benefit in old age or to manage the family heritage as THEY wished.)
What's more made him to feel this is the dutiful way of being a caring son who won't hurt a mothers feelings. Made to feel guilty if he ever tried to overstep...
After many decades of such suppression, confusion and playing puppet .., he is totally submissive and not normally wired to face life headlong . He has never tried to be the master of his life so even if he is born capable and has outward achievements , he is insecure. Tragic waste of human lifespan.
I believe many parents of 100 years ago, living in man made towns across the world did this to their children. Throughout 1900's children of extended families went through a lot of these... the effect can be seen even upto the 4th generation. There was lots of social pressure on parents to release ideal kids to the world😶 and mothers set themselves up against each other in competition... when initial good results showed in child rearing they forgot to Let go and give the child the freedom to grow.
Assuming the rural parents being more close to nature had more humility or just wasn't so inclined to be controlling and egoistic.🤔