Erotic Boredom: A Book Review of The Mister by E L James
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- čas přidán 28. 06. 2019
- Grab yourself a pillow and settle in for a nap, because this book has some of the most PG-13 sex scenes you've ever seen!
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DISCLAIMER: FAIR USE. Title 17, US Code (Sections 107-118 of the copyright law) All media in this video is used for the purpose of review and commentary under the terms of fair use. All footage, music and images used belong to their respective owners. - Zábava
Bilingual people written by monolinguals:
Deti! Deti! The sea! Oh I forgot to switch, hehe
Actual bilingual people:
Uhhh I forgot the word, what was it called in english? You know the,, hand shoe? GLOVE I MEANT GLOVE
The amount of time I've explained things as '' the thing for you know the thing'' It's like I'm bilingual how am I blanking this bad?
You know the saying "I'm bilingual meaning I can make an ass of myself in two languages" 😁
if i had a dollar every time i stopped in the middle of a sentence bc i forgot a word in english i'd be a billionaire
I'm learning Spanish and used to be conversational in German, but this is _still_ me in English. If I talk to someone fluent in all three, maybe I'll finally sound like a functioning human.
I have a bilingual friend who will just translate things into english. For example:
Him: You're rubbing against my foot with yours? Are you foot flirting?
Me: Foot flirting?
Him: You know, when you play with each other's feet under the table
Me: You mean playing footsie?
Him: ... WHAT
Cecil W that and (well at least me) we’ll have like, go to words in that first language? It’s too much of my muscle memory and I’ll say entschuldigung instead of excuse me when I bump into someone.
I absolutely love that Onision’s book has become a benchmark of how awful a book can be
This book reviews really helped me with my writing! And I realized that I'm not that bad at it too. :D
It's basically a helpful guideline to show your work can be improved and to make sure spellcheck is on
Toe to Tip That's a Bart I shall be your 1,000th like have a nice day!
Toe to Tip That's a Bart fucking hilarious 😂😂😂
I have all three of his books and am currently reading them aloud to my boyfriend. It's been hilarious.
"BITCH YOU DON"T EVEN KNOW IF SHE HAS FOOD ALLERGIES YET" is my new favorite reaction to absurdly fast-paced relationships in media
It's good, my reaction is checking if the characters know each other's favourite color. If they don't, that's so fast paced it's practically insta love
I've never heard anybody say the words "Then he pulls a gun . . . And there's a fake pregnancy thing . . ." with so much boredom in his voice.
Can't that also describe the last 50 Shades book?
Anatole Assahola sounds like a guy that, if this book were ever adapted, would be played by someone who would so hateful that it would be unwatchable.
That almost sounds like School Days... 🤔
21:20: Frankly, thats B.S. Where do you get this from?
@@slevinchannel7589 What the hell are you talking about? Don't tell me you are a sex addict in denial
'Erotic Boredom'
Looks like EL James now has her own genre!
Haha Absolutely agree
And she can keep it!
@VayHeksAir 1998 Colleen Hoover claims the Romantic Abuse genre. Codependency and toxicity are her books' main selling point.
@Rachtop So true that it hurts my soul.
True
The italicized thoughts represent his inner goddess, obviously.
Haha hahaha 1😂😂
Yes.
Lierin York lmaooo
@ I mean, Jame's books are a plague upon humanity, so I think the analogy is accurate.
Oh fuck you , you're probably right
"Long story short, I am never welcome in Albania ever again."
-Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz (and probably E. L. James too)
Probably true but please, for the love of God, never compare Heinz Doofenshmirtz to e.l James again.
@@SorowFame Doofenshmirtz is too good for that
See, that’s the core issue, isn’t it? “Long story short“ isn’t part of her vocabulary.
@@jdatlas4668 She would write 3 whole books describing just that, then another 4 describing how it happened
It felt weird seeing the name of my neighboring country. Is that an actual quote?
"The world's most financially successful fanfiction author." Most depressing words ever spoken. So many good fanfic writers, yet this dangerous garbage is what gets published and idolized just...depressing.
Some people are lucky enough to be able to forget Cassandra Claire...
@@victoriashevlin8587 she was a fanfic author?
@@athenajaxon2397 yeah in the Harry Potter fandom
I love that you care so much about good story telling that you're prepared to spend so long deconstructing a terrible book.
Yup, it's really hard trying to get people to take fanfiction seriously when they immediately associate it with shit like this
E L James inspired me to be a writer because I think I would do better than her.
Omg I feel the same! Lol I've been writing my novel for four years so far and every time I read/hear something from E.L James, I'm instantly inspired 😂
I don't know you and I've never read your writing, and yet I can confidently say that you would.
Nah, you definitely can do better. Hell, the entire country of Albania currently hates her, so you literally cannot do worse
Glad I’m not the only one inspired by bad writing.
Same, to be honest. I wasn't sure about publishing because I didn't know if I was very good, but then I read some of her work and saw how undeservedly successful it was, and now I believe I could win a fucking Pulitzer.
"Trees died for this."
And I, too, am now deceased.
My life is now anti life
Do you mean you ~ rapidly ceased to exist ~ ?
@@ohmiasi2538 you mean ripped apart and crushed to make it
You a tree peep
@@ohmiasi2538 oh god the onions!!!
Suffering from hyper sexuality myself, I can tell you that it's terrible and can put you in a lot of bad situations if you don't know how to handle it. Also I'm letting my players know that you're the reason that they're going to have to deal with an NPC named Wrinklespank Upperbottom.
As someone who’s trying to put together a mystery crime thriller/werewolf erotica between a headstrong female character and a clueless but handsome multimillionaire, it’s really helpful to see what NOT to do to make an interesting thriller/erotica.
I‘ve started by making my multimillionaire the CEO of a toilet paper company, with the unofficial motto of “There’s always going to be shit to deal with.” I think it’s coming along swimmingly.
Bruh id pay so much money to get that on a t-shirt
That motto though has me dying.
Love it so far
I NEED TO SEE THIS
Let me know when it's available.
Can we just establish that TRAUMA IS NOT A PERSONALITY TRAIT.
Janet Cheddar I read two pages and have not pick it up since. Boring
Thank you
Louder for the people in the back!
´You got a Trauma´ -> -1 Charisma, -1 Wisdom
@@Aix_Plainer not necessarily. Wisdom can be earned and developmed in their situation. Charisma is just being attractive and lots of survivors can be that
EL James did such a bad job depicting Albania that the Albanian ambassador to the UK yelled at her
Wow really??
@@nerdieone1 Lol, pretty sure he doesn't even know who she is.
And he was fantastic. It was hilarious.
Lmao, I saw it and he was too tame imo. Also @EL James doing "extensive research" on anything looool. 😂😂
...Holy Hell, it’s real!
How to pronounce Anatoli:
1:28:57 Anatalie
1:28:57 Anthony
1:29:34 Anatoli ✔️
1:30:00 Antanoli
1:32:00 Antolini
1:31:04 Antolino
1:34:59 Analoni
1:39:22 Analonia
1:40:10 Antoine
1:40:46 Abernathy
1:42:24 Android
1:42:39 Abloid
1:42:58 Abalabathy
1:43:37 Abalabadingdong
1:43:51 Argon the Terrible
1:53:34 Anatoli ✔️
1:54:22 Antoinette
omg YES!!! I kept hearing different names, and it took me until "Android" to realize what he was doing! Thank you for writing this out so I can enjoy each of them at leisure!!!
@@biancab9092 same, this is my favorite running gag of krim’s.
Here's a fun game: come up with more of your own!
I'll start with Alabaster, Anathema, Anesthetic, and Abalone.
@@Gearhead221 Arithmetic, Algebra, Arthropoda, Alabastard, Alabama, Anthony
I went through these just now and his deadpan delivery fucking killed me I could not stop laughing. thank you for this
OK but what confuses me the most is... She's Albanian and has never seen the sea? The author knows that Albania's left border is basically only a coastline right? I mean OK maybe she never left the house, but hell even I've seen at least the north sea before and I'm German.
Ok that really doesn’t count, it’s after all a staple for Germans to have spent most of their youth's holiday breaks at either the North or Baltic Sea, to the point where you never wanna go there in your adult years again...
But I still agree.
I’m also curious about all the snow in Albania. Granted, there’s the Dinaric Alps (I was in the Dinaric Alps in northern Croatia in late March and there was plenty of snow) but they’re just north of Greece. It’s a Mediterranean climate, even inland.
@@michiganscythian2445 not much of it. It's quite a warm place. So much there's a lot of fires these past few years during summer
@@sin3358 Essentially, surprising absolutely no one, E. L. James doesn't even know basic geography. She probably thinks all of eastern Europe is like Russia. That being said, much of western Russia, like Saint Petersburg, has a climate more similar to the northwestern US. It's really only once you get as far east as Moscow or Tula where it starts to get particularly cold, and even then, it's not that bad outside of winter
@@michiganscythian2445 Albania is next to Macedonia and Serbia, close to Bulgaria. It snows here. Given, due to climate change there's significantly less snow nowadays than when I was a kid 25 years ago, but it still snows.
Hell, it even snows in Greece some years. I think westerners imagine mediterranian climate as ''tropical''. Its not.
Roasting Onision for 1 hour per video, that's great.
Roasting E.L. James for 2 hours in a single video, that's more orgasmic than all of her bibliography combined.
Crabby McCrab I cackled at “more orgasmic than all of her bibliography” thank you so much
Oh boy yeah
I think you set the bar waaaay to low... 🤣
I must agree!
“I’m An American, we sustain our diets entirely on Coca Cola and hamburgers.
And sometimes war”
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Accurate
@Leaf nah we just like war
Okay, I'm feeling a little called out. But 2$ for lunch or dinner cant be beat.
Replace Coca Cola with Pepsi.
TaoScribble replace Pepsi with beer
The raging about how he’s ring shopping while his soon-to-be fiancé is kidnapped was gold.
Christ, she's setting up a 50 Shades Cinematic Universe. If this is where the Earth is going, I'll get off now please.
Not with this book, friend.
Unfortunately you'll have to wait another 150 pages before you can get off.
Just wait until they have their biggest crossover in Erotica: Endgame that has a scene of Christian Grey standing next to Maximum and Edward, summoning a BDSM paddle to his hand, then calling out "PREDATORS....assemble."
@@FalonGrey oh no-
“As an American, I don’t really understand that British Aristocracy does.”
As a Brit, neither do I.
DrPepper 280 is that seriously a thing in modern day?
@@ibeamy They still exist but most of them don't have actual political power any more. There is the House of Lords (part of our system of government) but you need more than a title to get in there. They can have some clout still but that's only because they tend to have lots of money and own land and that gets you ahead in most countries. Also some more traditional-minded types, particularly in the countryside, are impressed by titles but that's getting less and less of a thing. The royal family is another matter of course, but anything below them is just a fancy title.
@@GriffinPilgrim And what does the royal family do aside from sit around in an obscenely fancy house and wave at cameras?
@@etcetera1995 Not much, day to day. But my point was unlike most of the aristocracy they do still have a hereditary position of power, albeit only de jure. And the more important members do therefore at least have some paperwork to fill out from time to time.
The chances of any British monarch actually utilising their power at this point is basically zero but technically the Queen is still the head of state for the entire Commonwealth which includes the UK, Antigua and Barbuda, Australia, The Bahamas, Barbados, Belize, Canada, Grenada, Jamaica, New Zealand, Papua New Guinea, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, The Solomon Islands and Tuvalu. That's a touch more than the average guy with a big house and a useless title.
up the republic
"I'm an American. We sustain our diets entirely on Coca-Cola and burgers, and sometimes... war!" Had me dying XD
Was it a reference to a song "We're all living in America" or something like that?
@@MartybaRyba Nothing comes to mind to be honest but if it is a song I'd love to check it out
@@sivula17 The song that immediately came to my mind when I heard that phrase was "Amerika" by Rammstein. They're my favorite band, so my opinion here is biased, but I think it's really good and clever. I'm German myself so I don't need a translation for the lyrics, but I'm sure there's one available. I hope I could help :)
czcams.com/video/Rr8ljRgcJNM/video.html
ZuraZentiara that’s what I thought as well
“We’re all living in Amerika, Coca-Cola, sometimes war”
I love how French sounds fancy to other languages when "Les Jeux d'eaux à la Villa D'este" litteraly just means "Water games at D'este's Villa"
In my French head, it basically means playing with water with the Bois at a fancy house.
I have been to the Villa d'Este, and the fountains in the gardens kick absolute ass. Liszt is describing those fountains in his composition. And may I say that any pianist who can master a piece by Liszt needs years of serious piano study.
A few notes about writing multilingual people:
- we don't generally mix languages within a single statement. At least in my case, the languages are so different it would actually be harder for me to switch into my mother tongue for a phrase I don't remember than to either figure it out or describe it in the "foreign" one
- a common thing is forgetting completely mundane words
- also translating idioms that don't really make sense in the language
- *not whatever el James did in this book*
In shows and stuff I see a lot of foreign characters switch into their native for simple words like yes or no, but is that as common in reality as it is in shows?
@@datguy5272 I will not claim that it never ever happens, since I don't know every bilingual person on this planet, but I've never done it or witnessed it. "Yes", "no" and so on are the easiest to commit to memory and very soon become pretty automatic.
What happens often is forgetting how to say "train", stuttering and instead saying "the fast thing that goes on rails".
What movies and tv shows tend to get right though is swearing. I tend to switch to my first language when swearing and I know a lot of people who do.
@@easternlights3155 thanks for the information man
@@datguy5272 as a bilingual i find it happens a lot more when surprised or in great emotion. for example when i bump into someone on the street i would instinctively say 'sorry' in my first language instead of english even though i'm abroad. 'yes' and 'no', as eastern lights mentions, are pretty basic words that are often the first ones you remember when learning a language and don't really slip out that often - or, completely opposite, slip out the most BECAUSE they're so basic. (it's kind of like with maths; the more complicated things you learn the more difficult the basics might become, at least in my experience). it's probably also different for everyone - if a person is more prone to anxiety or something they might be more likely to slip into their mother tongue etc.
@@ps1hagridoufofcharacter never thought about complicated stuff making the basics harder, but that makes sense. Thanks for the comment PS1 Hagrid
So, she had Netflix and HBO, but has never seen a credit card.
In Albania. Pay for Netflix with carrier pigeon.
@@baneoftechnology That's true, I can confirm this. I just send my carrier pigeon Sokol to pay for my Netflix subscription :) You guys should try this.
Unknown Anon you named your pigeon „falcon“? Must be on hell of a bird :D
Jsss fkn christ WAHAT
@@sabsab878 Thank you! I named him Sokol because, just like the son of our communist dictator Enver Hoxha, who doesn't show up as a first result when u Google "Enver Hoxha children" (even tho his 2 other kids show up), so is my pigeon Sokol sneaky and quick to escape :)
"Sunstone is basically 50 Shades of Grey done correctly, and with lesbians."
Alright, well I'm hooked.
Hannah Luden I hate to comment just one word but... same
It's such a good comic! The writer for it is doing Harleen, a short series, as well for DC!
Gentlemen, you had my curiosity, now you have my attention.
You should absolutely read it, the author/artist is incredible (he also has several other series, and his wife has a few good series as well)
So much better!
Try Mercy. Same creator, from the prospective of a different couple
Oh boy, now this is interesting. Not only did E.L. James write another trash book but she decided to talk about the Balkans and specifically Albania. Well, I just so happen to be Albanian so I will update this post about the foolishness this book offers for your own enjoyment!
Google translate always translates stuff into overly formal speech. I can always tell when somebody used translate to say stuff in German (I'm German) because google makes everything sound like an ancient German vampire at a job interview 😂
@@lay5395 It must be absolutely hilarious to witness 😂 Just ancient German vampires hanging around and looking for jobs
From the perspective of an italian with many 2 generation albanian friends, I was able to tell this book was gonna be bad with representation for the start, but thanks for the added context, it really helped, since i don't know albanian traditions that well but hey we're still neighbours, so i get how hurtful it is when someone butchers your colture that way
P.s. i see the adriatic sea everyday too ehe
@@boredbby3326 Yw, I'm glad this was of interest to others! Tbh, I'm not really upset or what, it's just funny to me. I would never have expected anything good to come out of EL James's hands lol
Also, lucky you! I live abroad as my parents are some of the many many Albanians that left the country after communism fell so I don't get to see the Adriatic often! Please enjoy it for me too ;)
@@lastquarter3992 i will for sure, hope you're having a great life in your new home (btw it is funny when ppl mess up ur coulture so bad but sometimes it's just sad cause literally a google search would've settled it! Also i'm of the opinion that if u wanna write ab other languages or coltures you should get some kind of sensitivity reader, a native to tell you what you did right or wrong, cause there is so much that google trad doesn't cover)
You know, E L James writes books that would be better as WARNINGS rather than romance. 50 shades? Great warning for abuse. This book? Great for warning predatory behavior. As romances? THESE BOOKS ARE POTENTIALLY HARMFUL. Who sees this as romantic? It's disturbing!!
30+ soccer moms
People who see the Twilight series as romantic?
The thing is that this is an entire worldview in itself, and there are women out there who genuinely believe this is how romance should work.
At least the conversation is out there on why these books are bad and dangerous. Not sure if it gets to these people.
If E.L James had just written these as sexual fantasies for women, and not something to emulated in real life, they'd be fine. But E.L. James seems to genuinely this this is romantic and her work has brainwashed people into thinking the same, so yeah, fuck her.
James is a genuinely dangerous and creepy person. This work and 50 Shades are a threat to its more ignorant readers.
"The pacing in this book is like watching a snail trying to make his way through a lake of syrup after getting injected with a half-lethal dose of tranquilizer."
*Poetry at its finest*
Punchy Boi 💀
I want to like this but 666 likes is too perfect
We should make fake covers of books with summaries, quotes from critics and all but instead of "a breathtaking terrific novel" or some shit like that we put the most unattractive and negative stuff people have to say about this book. Like this would be the quote at the bottom of the fourth cover, and the summary would be something like "When a boring self-insert Albanian girl with a dark past becomes the maid of a genuinely insufferable aristocratic sex-addict, allegedly "kinky" boring erotica ensues." And the title would be well, "Erotic Boredom", something short and to the point that sums up what people who hate the book have to say about it. Add to that a mini author's bio that just says: "The author, EL James, is the most successful fanfiction writer in the world, and her writing worsens as time goes by. If you hated Christian Grey, then this is just the book for you, because you'll hate Maximillian even more." Then we should print those as book-jackets, go to the reader's section of a Walmart or something and replace the marketed book-jackets of a few copies as a prank (not stealing the og book-jackets of course, just stashing them elsewhere) as a prank. Honest book covers, think about it.
if i was the author i would put that on the back of the book.
I'm a simple gal, I see Krimson roasting E. L. James for 2 hours, I click
LOL! same.
Yoko Cainz Good Lord, I’m only ten minutes in and didn’t notice the time on the bar. 😱😱😱 I’m going to have to schedule this thing out.
I see Krimson roast ANY book, I'm clicking. The fact that it's E. L. James is even better.
Yoko Cainz holy crap. I just got to the end and didn’t even notice how long it was. I need a job.
@@ihatewonderwall4843 same here
I worked at a bookstore when this book was announced, I misread the title of the bad black and white photocopy of the cover I was given as 'The Miser' and I briefly thought EL James wrote an erotic story of a woman falling for a modern day Ebenezer Scrooge and changing his cold heart through love and mostly sex.
Probably would’ve been more interesting
“You there, boy! What day is it?”
“Why, it’s Let’s Fuck Thursday!”
“Let’s Fuck Thursday? Then I haven’t missed it!”
I mean that sounds pretty close to what happened anyway.
Ok but now I really want that book/movie
I need this book though
I love the "krimson is a professional moron" message, like its such a little thing but it just made me giggle a lot
"Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor and it can never be used to hurt you." XD
@@KrimsonRogue So you have a licence for that moronicism, sir?
Hello, yes, Albanian person here! Kind of embarrassed that my country would be brought up in this goddamn awful book, but I just wanted to say a couple of things.
1. Ah yes, when I look at the sea, I go "Deti! Deti!". In the same way, when I saw this book, I went "Mbeturinë! Mbeturinë! Na faltë Zoti për këtë harxhim të kotë të pemëve!" No bilingual person ever randomly starts speaking their mother tongue if no one in the group speaks it.
2. Human sex trafficking is a really big deal in Albania. I'm not one to get upset at most things, but it pisses me off a bit how badly it's portrayed in this book. This book can't do fun and sexy scenes right, and it definitely can't do dark and serious topics any justice. ESPECIALLY when a lesser known culture is involved. Why would the author even try? It's ignorant.
Not Albanian here but it seriously pisses me off that female characters from eastern Europe in western media are 99% of the time;
-a prostitue
-a criminal
-sex trafficking victim
-or combo of the above
And the serious topic it brings are usually not explored properly :/
@@cw2010 Might have something to do with the fact that most western writers just look at Eastern Europe in a very superficial way. The way Alessia was portrayed in this... it's so weird. It's like someone's third attempt at a believable OC, where the writer just picked a remote country that no one can complain about if she's inaccurate. Alessia must live in an isolated part of Albania, because I haven't seen nor heard of anyone abiding by Kanun laws in the last few decades, because they are fucking awful for women. However, it still exists in parts of Albania isolated by mountains, where horrible shit like blood feuds (gjakmarrje) also exists. A girl brought up in that environment would not have the education, nor the talent she has. She would only know to cook, clean, bear children for her husband and be basically a servant to him and his family. If anyone wants a better view of how terrible Albania was/still is in some places for women, Migjeni portrays it perfectly in his 2 books. Amazing researcher Robert Elsie would also be a far, far superior choice. LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE WOULD BE BETTER
I'm not even Albanian but it really feels like EL James just randomly picked Albania up from a list of countries off the Internet and decided to use it just because.
@@HattiesVlogs That's because she definitely did. EL James probably went to Albania on holiday because it's dirt cheap, and then thought to herself "This is a small enough country of non-English speakers that won't give me too much flack if I portray a totally inaccurate view of their culture. It's basically free childhood trauma for my character, and it doesn't even have to make sense". :D
Also weird af she has never seen the sea tbh considering how small Albania is and her travelling to the UK. Esp in these days. At least in my opinion.
"I felt more thrills the last time I misplaced my keys"
I mean to be completely honest a horror story of the anxiety you feel when misplacing your keys sounds more Interesting than onisions book.
@@ceolmund7835 **flashbacks of misplacing thumb drive**
...yeah
hi justin
I just about died at that part.
Well, misplacing things like keys can be pretty scary.
krimson's a cute guy who has cats, owns a thousand books, and has no problems with tearing apart the plots of shitty books. he's basically the best man alive.
He's who 98.935829% of all romance novels are based on.
Indeed. He's a real Mister!
@@NotoriousLightning Please no
If these are your qualifiers, I suggest you look into Dominic "The Dom" Nobel. He reviews and analyzes books on his channel, plus he's doing a charity reading of The Mister right now.
KrimsonRogue and Dominic Noble are the kings of having cats, thousands of books, and making fun of E.L. James.
For those of you still wondering whether Alessia's sharpshooting skills are believable or not... Annie Oakley's targets were at 60 feet (or 18,288 meters) at most and she didn't miss a single one of those. For Alessia to get 50% of her targets at a 100 meter distance, when mathematically, it would be more than what Annie Oakley would be able to get (it would be less than 25% versus her 100% at 18,288 meters)... unless Alessia is an expert sharpshooter and not a first timer, it's literally impossible. That would mean she'd be better than a child prodigy who made an entire career out of it through her entire life and still practiced every day like Annie.
I love the recurring theme of “EL James thinks abuse and brainwashing is love”, cause she did the EXACT same thing in 50 Shades
Msybe she is a victim
@@turtleanton6539 or maybe she is a predator? Because female predators DO exist. And I've watched interviews with E.L. James, she acts as entitled and arrogant as I have seen abusers act.
And at least financially, she IS preying on people who don't know better...
@@Galvion1980 that and theres been a huge uptick in female predators in the recent years couldnt even figure out what cultural reasons could be making women so blatant hmmm
@@ZeroOmega-vg8nq There has been a huge uptick in female predators being caught and recognized as predarors is what you mean. There have always been female predators, it's just that sexism provided a cover for their actions: A boy raped by his female teacher was not considered a rape victim, but a lucky guy who scored. A wife was considered incapable of abusing he husband because women were "the weaker sex". Mental and emotional abuse didn't exist in most people's minds, because one was expected to tough it out and laugh it off. Less sexism = female predators recognized as predators. E.L. James ties to hide behind sexist cliches and laughable fake feminism, too, but real feminists see her for the vile scum she is and hate her.
@Strawberry Cheesecake Lover yes men and women are physiologically different but physiology is not everything there is nothing stopping woman from competing in the same sport leagues as men except those sports that require full body contact like American Foot Ball Hockey and of course Boxing and MMA since the only upper body strength that most sports need is what's required to throw a ball really really fast
I saw this book on my mom’s desk and I was like
“ah shit, here we go again.”
I found a fifty shades book.
I found a drawer in my moms bathroom filled with trashy romance novels. I have yet to confront her.
@@Dunsiti Nothing wrong with romance novels.
Krist S. I meant trashy erotica lol
@@Dunsiti Nothing wrong with trashy erotica either. Hell I'm quite a skilled erotica writer and some of my work could even be considered trashy, but the people that have read my stories are usually very entertained by them and if they were entertained then the work stands on its own merits.
You know, all this pining and back and forth would be alright if James had considered the trafficking:
Maxium: "Oh, I like this girl, but I don't want to make a move because she's had bad experiences- what if I scare her?"
Alessia: "I want to be with this guy- he seems so nice... But so did *he* before all this happened!"
And boom. Pining and back and forth makes sense, Maxium is more sympathetic, trauma is acknowledged and not fetishised, could even put some good messages out on how to learn to love again if you do a little research on how people have done it and then have characters do it- thereby actually making a positive difference with your writing by providing a role model to readers.
Really wasn't all that hard, James.
I mean... would need a bit more development too, IMHO, rather than going from "I'm never touching her" to "Spongebob Squarepants is moist with her lady fluids" like you flip a pancake. But yes, acknowledging trauma at least would make the male character more likeable.
@@NWolfsson Bro, your comment slapped me in the face like a thrown moistened spongebob pj bottom would
Every sane person: Noo! You can't just badly implement trauma and romanticize controlling and abusive behavior!
EL James: Ha, ha, Maxim and Alessia go burrrrrrrr
Doitsu.
Is this also a RussianBadger nod? 👀
As someone with lotsa trauma, i am almost always disgusted with these books
*The woman I love has been kidnapped by a abusive man*
Better go shopping! 🛍️
Protagonists Be Shopping
Hey, it's still better than
My girlfriend is inside a school and an active shooter is also inside the school.
Better put on my roller skates
Priorities 101
There's an audience for rape romance.
There's an audience for erotic thrillers.
There's an audience for anti-erotica.
There's an audience for cautionary tales.
...This seems like it's trying to be one of those but can't decide which. Who's this for?
Also: the idea of vampires originated in Albania. Stephanie Meyer's inspiration for writing Twilight was supposedly a dream about a perfect woman falling in love with a perfect vampire. 50 Shades of Grey was originally a Twilight fanfiction. That means James owes her entire writing career to Albania. With that in mind, she seems to have an extremely low opinion of Albania.
As an Albanian , I don't want her to owe her writing "career" to us . Keep that shit planets away pls .
Love that
@Oxygen Destoroyah They dont want to be raped they want it rough and confuse it with rape.
Rape and romance don’t belong in the same sentence.
Oxygen Destoroyah some people have a rape fetish and I’ll never understand why.
EL James has enough unresolved Chekov's guns to start an army.
What a cultured man; he reads erotica for the plot.
"why couldn't it have been more consensual?" consent is a nebulous idea in E.L.James writing.
I see your Thames and raise you an Arkansas
Lol, touche.
@@bokrugthewaterserpent3012 I hate that that's a real place. I swear the Welsh are just fucking with us.
I actually had a great aunt that I've never met -passed before I was born - and her name was Arkansas and she pronounced it Ar-Kansas. I wish I was kidding
@@odd-eyes9463 Great Aunty Ar-Kansas is the only person and pronunciation I trust
Sage Colvard Wales isn’t real.
Krimson is like the English teacher/professor I wish I'd had. If he were to do a tour and it ended up simply being a literary analysis course I'd be there in a heartbeat. The man starts with "holy shit this is the most boring thing ever" and churns out two hours of riveting content. That is a hell of a skill.
Lol, thanks! That's a glowing review! :D
The Gothic Introvert right?? I’d love to have him critique something I wrote so I could improve
@@KrimsonRogue See? We think about you even when we're not on your channel! :) Your work has made an impression upon us.
@@katierasburn1093 omg same, that would be an honor
He just sits onstage with a book and rants about it for two hours.
I'd see it.
While im not a traffic victim, I am a CSA survivor with multiple instances of abuse. And while i personally am AroAce, i guarantee us trauma victims dont wanna have our trauma sexualized with the intention of it being a ego boost for the male lead 🙄
The Albanian text clearly is meant to be a quirky thing. Like an anime girl clumsily dropping a tray of cookies
I once saw "The mister" in a book store in between Shakespeare and Les miserables in the classical literature section, and I had never been more offended and choked with laughter in my life.
i saw it in a supermarket next to questionable-quality store brand ice cream
@@ps1hagridoufofcharacter right where it belongs
@@ps1hagridoufofcharacter They knew their target audience with that placement.
maybe someone put it there as a practical joke
i found it on display right next to Twilight on the English Learning section overshadowing Agatha Christie’s books and honestly that’s says a lot
I love James' writings because she talks about EVERYONE'S favorite things! Abusing trafficking victims and dehumanizing women into complicit vessels for sex. Amazing how we can so clearly see the author's fetish for submission turn itself into a sick envy of sexual victims and traumatized dependents.
I once read someone theorize that, considering EL James’s track record of being controlling and awful to the people around her, it’s really the male love interests in her books that are the self insert and not the POV character.
Feels relevant to this tbh lol
I know, right? that woman is as disgusting as she is talentless
You're a poet.
The fanfic predating Masters of the Universe (which was turned into 50 shades) was from the male perspective and apparently was the inspiration behind Grey, which is 50 Shades from Christian's perspective
I seriously wonder if she’s ever heard of Gor.
“Do not attempt this. Krimson is a professional moron.”
Me, an elite moron: “That sounds like a challenge.”
Love how the leading men of both books are related. Someone in this universe is selectively breeding terrible mem
Whenever the name of Alessia's kidnapper changes I immediately imagine a switch out to an entirely different actor playing him with no warning whatsoever.
Honestly that would make the best live action sic com
You know it's bad when he opens with a defense of Onion Boi...
Unprofessional Professor don’t let Onion know. He doesn’t need anything else to stroke his ego
@@TheCherri306 Preach, sister!
I have just sat through The Dom's 8 hour of torture and now I have nearly 2 hours of poor Krimson's torture. You poor, poor, men you have my sympathy x
We stan resilient kings
I found my way to this video exactly the same way! This book is so bad it fascinates me and doesn't want to let me go
Krimson: Having lots of sex is encouraged.
Me, a 25-year-old virgin: Thanks. Good to know.
It's 3 years later but I have never related more. Thanks Kevin
Me, asexual: "I'm... not feeling encouraged yet"
@@lay5395me, aromantic and asexual: i think i’ll just pass!
@@lay5395*society uses encouragement of sexual activity! Its not very effective*
E L James has always been an inspiration to me because when I was around 15, I said “I can write better smut than this” and so I started writing fanfic
Five years later, and I’m still writing, but I’ve moved onto my own characters and am currently in the process of writing a book, so... Thanks E L James!
Good luck with the book! I've also got one in the works and reviews of terrible writing really help me (and not just in the sense that there are horrible books out there so I should have more confidence!)
excellent character motivation
Amen!
The first experience I had with EL James was 50 shades.
I've been in a couple relationships with people into bdsm and I can tell they were all offended by her books.
Like,of course during horny times I'd be mean with my sub,but guess what?
During most of the day we would be having normal conversations about very mundane things.
Christian Grey is a psycho though.
He mentally abuses Anastasia when he's not physically abusing her.
And i may be wrong because it has been so long since I read,but I don't remember a single mention of a safe word.
+Lain Hikaru
They do establish a safeword, but Grey often guilt-trips Ana for using it and punishes her for forgetting it.
I love how terrible books inspires readers to write better stories. 😁
“Doink the Daily”
Far better alternative title for this book
Honestly I’d pick up that book lol and it could be set in a time where that word was more commonly used and it could be kinda humorous... but erotic... in a comedic way. Idk. It could be entertaining. EROTIC COMEDY. Let’s make that a thing.
@@milkglassfairy7641 I think that's what this review is.
If only there were actually enough erotic scenes to fit that title XD
However there needs to be enough comedy that the reader cant get into it.
@@milkglassfairy7641 a new take on the lusty argonian maid
that bilingual mood when you just pause for 10 thousand years mid-sentence because you're trying to translate "chair" from chinese into english but you're stuck in the japanese one because you heard it in an anime once.
On the note of "british" names. I had an English prof named Chad Wrigglesworth once.
Everyone: It isn't possible to write a more dull, unlikable, misogynistic pig than Christian Grey.
E.L James: Hold my drink.
"I'm gonna lose so many subscribers"
me: *after pressing the subscriber button* am i joke to you?
The lead male in an erotica: "Are you ready? It'll be quick."
The fact that she bleeds the first time is incredibly alarming, if you are bleeding because of that then there is no lubrication and she would be in massive pain.
audrey hartman sometimes you can still bleed even with lubrication the first time. It’s probably not going to be as bad as the books seems to describe it though.
I bled like a damn stuck pig my first time and I was raring to go. Hurt like a motherhumper too. Some girls just have really thick hymens and the first time is a bitch. 🤷♀️
@@sugarbaby1974 OMG me too. I bled so much I stained the mattress under the mattress protector
You can bleed the first time and it’s normal but the book describes it very violently
What really sucks is that I’ve actually read engaging and beautifully written fanfics that have actually made me cry...
And then E L James comes in with her rewritten Twilight fanfic and it makes me sad.
Same
thing is, fanfiction is not inherently bad or cringy. it can be just as good as, or better than, 'actual' books. it's just 'writers' like E L James that give fanfiction a bad name
@@sw3602 Well said!
Maisy Peris I used to be a fanfic writer from the age 12-16. Were they terrible? Hell yes they were. But it helped as people would give constructive criticism or give praise. It gave me confidence and gave me a safe place to post anonymously while I improved my writing until now I’m in the middle of a first draft for a novel. Writing fanfiction gave me as much passion as published books to study English. No way would I ever just rewrite a few names and then try and publish them, that’s what it feels like when I see quotes from Fifty Shades let alone this The Mister.
If I would see any fanfiction author published, George Devalier would be my first choice. He could honestly write something original and I would read it in a heartbeat.
“Beautifully written fanfics that have actually made me cry...”
I see you too have read the Hat Fic!
"Don't worry, I will be quick"
Literally no one wants to hear that on bed, James.
Candy Von Bitter I would if a James character was with me
"Good, I have a dentist's appointment in half an hour"
That made me laugh more than it should have ....
Hattie's Vlogs Hey baby, I love you, I have 180 seconds to get my shit off
"i'm gonna attempt to make this video family friendly"
a few moments later
"my daily comes every day. yeah i bet she does"
we had a good run
Random goofy fact: The representation of Albania in this book is SO BAD, EVEN THE AMBASSADOR OF ALBANIA called E.L. James out on her shit.
He should read The Troll. It's about a woman getting into a relationship with an internet troll. It's bad.
Is that the one where the girl's dad shows up and the guy pulls a machine or shot gun out of no where?
Oh my God yes please. Jenny Nicholson did a video on it, I think.
@@who_the_fuck_is_riley5813 She did that's where I heard about it.
Did she get trolled?
@@DerVasto plot twist she was rick rolled
One of the best opening lines to a book I've read was something by Jim Butcher:"The building was on fire and it wasn't my fault."
Now THAT'S a first sentence that'd get me to keep reading
I read that one but I can’t for the life of me remember the title, I agree though, I was pretty much instantly engaged with that line alone
I don't believe him lol
I can't remember the title either but I think it's the book where he gets his dog.
That's an awesome starter!
As an Albanian, Krimson was surprisingly good at pronouncing the Albanian words lol. Not perfectly but he didn’t butcher it
"I'm going to try to make this video as family-friendly as possible, so let's see how long I last"
The truth is, the game was rigged from the start
It was Rigor Morris, girl!
e l james writes like shes trying to get a word count on an essay for high school
If Onion Boy has written a more engaging book than you, then you have officially failed as a writer.
"ONION BOY" JEEBUS
Onion boy has always written engaging books, but those 'engaging' books are nothing but an excuse for his own narrow minded philosophical dribble. It's a fun trainwreck filled with hypocrisy and fallacies if you don't take his book seriously
@@ohohothisrocks So his book basically falls in the category of so bad it's good
they’re engaging because he has to include a school shooting in every book and you’re also intrigued because they’re like a car crash that you can’t look away from
And to think she's legitimately published...🤦♀️
"I'll try my best to make it family friendly"
"My daily comes everyday."
11:00
"Yeah I bet she does!"
"At the end of this book, I don't have a clear idea of what the British aristocracy does." Don't worry, neither do any of us, mate. It's a genuine mystery.
I have synesthesia and I kinna hate when (fanfic) writers use it to make their characters "interesting". It is hard for me to explain how music looks/feels to someone who doesn't have it, so someone who doesn't have it is trying to describe it, it's very irritating to me. Something isn't just "Orange", it's "Orange in a spicy way that also makes me think of certain flowers, and it moves like oil mixed into water, and it has the texture of a woven rug." Having synesthesia is a complicated experience....
I'll be honest, synesthesia sounds so interesting and I wish I could understand it better. If I was ever going to write someone with it I would really need to have a long talk with people that actually have it. Seriously tho, how could you understand it if you don't have it? It's pretty obvious that EL James read the definition and that's all the research she did.
I would love to hear any description you could give.
Man, I hope you write, because that description is gorgeous! Better than anything el James farts out.
And that’s infinitely more interesting than something just being orange. Even the color orange isn’t just orange, and music isn’t just music. Humans don’t think like that. A song is a feeling, it’s “driving through a city at night and you’re the only one on the road,” and that’s so much more interesting than just “it’s a pretty song.”
on god I read this comment before the part of the video where he mentions it I thought you were talking about the computer program and I was very confused
you sound like you might have ideasthesia! I have both, synaesthesia for letters/numbers and colours and ideasthesia for letters/numbers with personalities - it's rly hard to explain but you definitely have much more than just synaesthesia. also: completely agree, ppl without synaesthesia talking abt it rly don't know how hard it is to explain and they talk abt it like it's super simple and rly, don't know abt what thought process they come to when thinking abt it, but brain hyperactivity is too insane to *explain*
Who keeps letting this woman near a publishing company
Rith Trelin
Probably Satan himself
Aww, shizz, E.L. James escaped again!
Quick, close the gate to the Publishers!
Well, sadly, it makes money.
uh because she is a blockbuster writer (at least she was a one hit wonder). although I'm surprised her books get published without more editing. what's happening inside publishing houses? are they in such a financial dire place that they cant afford some proper re-writing sessions? why isn't her agent doing something at least? E. L. James need some serious ghostwriting input and I'm surprised her fans dont complain more 🤷🏾♀️
@@moustik31 Not trying to be rude here, but the demographic she's aiming isn't necessary critical about what they're reading. But regarding the lack of editing, I'd like to forward you to Folding Ideas' Lukewarm Defense of Fifty Shades of Grey (the movie). It went really in depth into the movies, like how the first one is actually decently made with real creative drive from the director, the screenwriter, the costume designer, the editor, the cinematographer, the actors and actresses, etc. only to be bogged down by how terrible the source material is, how James is just generally resentful at attempts to edit or change the script, how the movie just kept going downhill because the director and screenwriter of the first one got fired because James threw a tantrum, so they're replaced with her husband and the director of Glengarry Glen Ross (which should have brought the movie to the level of decent, but surprise surprise), and how the movie studio basically relented because... Money.
It would have been interesting for Alessia to be the daughter of a well to do family that’s fallen into disgrace. Which would have given an explanation to her father’s debt and to her talents, she was being groomed into a perfect little trophy wife. Maybe her father was a communist politician and she was kept in a sheltered environment to stop her from finding out the atrocities that her father had allowed in her country. This would provide an extra layer of scandal, not only is she a foreigner in England illegally, she’s also the daughter of a former communist leader? That’s some prime drama for the tabloids.
She has Netflix and HBO but she doesn’t know what a credit card is? What kind of b*llshit is that? It makes me feel offended on behalf of Albanians.
It makes me want to rewrite the book from the start.
Imo it doesn't feel too right either. It would feel like a westernised version of things were for Albanians at the time, thus feeling slightly off.You'd need an extensive amount of research or contact with the local populations to show something that wouldn't feel outlandish to them.
The real question is this: "Will E L James ever write anything...good?"
No. No, she won't.
E.L. James be like: "no, no, I don't think I will."
All hail the noise bringer! May his Majesty always interrupt filming with unnecessary noises off camera! All hail he who brings the noise!
HAIL
HAIL.
HAIL SPACEFISH
HAIL
All hail Ash. we should make r/imsorrykrimson to honor him
"Yeet... Yii?" -small pause- "I'm calling him Bob."
“Yee, Yi, Yili? I’m gonna call him Bob.”Probably one of my favorite parts outside of the what the Yanks enjoy for food, including the occasional war.
“I felt more thrills the last time I misplaced my keys.” 🤣
One of the best opening lines: “Let’s start with the end of the world, why don’t we? Get it over with and move on to more interesting things.”
N. K. Jemisin
My favorite is this: "A long time ago in a dimension far, far away there was a collective of midgets fighting over a hummus snack, who have nothing at all to do with our story, which really begins in a small and very unhygienic bedroom in what humans call 'New York'.
-George Miller. Francis of the Filth
Whatever book this is, I think I'm gonna have to read it now...
Pikapower Kirby The Fifth Season. It’s really fucking good.
"Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea. This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
And so the problem remained; lots of the people were mean, and most of them were miserable, even the ones with digital watches. Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place. And some said that even the trees had been a bad move, and that no one should ever have left the oceans.
And then, one Thursday, nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, one girl sitting on her own in a small cafe in Rickmansworth suddenly realized what it was that had been going wrong all this time, and she finally knew how the world could be made a good and happy place. This time it was right, it would work, and no one would have to get nailed to anything. Sadly, however, before she could get to a phone to tell anyone-about it, a terribly stupid catastrophe occurred, and the idea was lost forever.
This is not her story."
-Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
OOOOH! mentioning an actual writer in an E.L. James review! You are summoning a guardian spirit!
"The song always reminded Alessia of her childhood. It was those early piano lessons that had led to the diagnosis of her synesthesia; like many children, she resisted lessons with a baseless but determined stubbornness, her fleeting attention span a bane to both herself and the stout, salty woman that taught her scales twice a week. But unlike other children, she would often complain about the nauseating yellows and browns each misfingered key produced, eventually leading to tedious doctor's appointments where adults would speak in hushed, serious tones, glancing at her over their shoulders as if she had done something awful. Alessia had never thought her condition abnormal, nor even thought about it at all, until it had a name, and suddenly the reality she had taken for granted became more of a curse. Something wrong, even ugly, even if it wasn't really hurting anyone. Her mother insisted she continue playing piano, but she became so obsessed with trying not to see the colors that her skills only deteriorated, leaving Alessia frustrated and sullen. But then one boring, cloudy Wednesday, as she crossed the threshold of her teacher's living room towards that dreaded piano, something changed. Rather than the usual silence, she was greeted by a teasing, lilting melody, wrapped in sharp, icy silvers and blues like fluttering sheets of ice, a river frozen yet flowing, pulling her towards the source. In all her eleven years of life, Alessia had never encountered a loveliness that made her very heart ache in her chest, a beauty that made her feel as if she might die were it to stop. Her teacher, a woman that had rarely spared so much as a kind word, seemed softer as she poured herself across the keys, drawing more of those wavering, wintry blues with every gentle press of ivory. The woman spared her a sideways glance and said, "I do not know what you see when you hear music, but judging by the look on your face, it must truly be wonderful." In that moment, Alessia realized that synesthesia was a gift--or it could be--and begged her teacher to let her play. She left that day smiling, humming that song and feeling sorry for all the people who would never be able to see the world as she did. Although her teacher still rarely said more than, "Wrong. Start again," since that day, whenever Alessia seemed particularly down or frustrated she would play that song again, Les jeux d'eaux à la Villa d'Este, and the magic would return."
There. I haven't read the book, don't know dick about the character's actual history, but I've just established a genuine, emotional connection to the song AND two key plot points of her past.
Your prose is lovely, please tell me you write professionally, or at least recreationally. Because I would read a novel of this.
Grace Kelley Thank you! I am a writer, but sadly not a professional. Not yet, anyway!
That was very beautifully written, do you publish your writing anywhere?
Cecil W I do have a book that I self published, but it was quite some time ago so it’s not as polished as my current works. ^^; I’m really grateful for the compliments, I honestly just threw that comment out as a goof.
@@BitterSimplicity whats the name of the book?! your writing is awesome
Krimson’s reviews have greatly helped me improve my own writing, funnily enough. Also it’s awesome how he just absolutely tears into them. I have much respect for this man.
Thanks! Glad I'm able to have helped. :D
"I'm calling him Bob"
*SLAMS BOOK SHUT*
We've peaked everyone. Literature is cancelled
I never get more hyped than when I see a thumbnail of a book with a bunch of tabs on a plain background.
Your profile picture is the best! Hahahahahahaha!!
Since you've been reviewing fanfic-level books, I'm wondering when you're going to dive right into fanfic territory and review My Immortal.
@@satireknight look up Moon daughter it's the My Immortal to the Percy Jackson Community
i haven't read that fic " My Inmortal" but..i have a feeling that is good i didn't.
@@nessyness5447 Mister internet historian did it so much better
It's shit. The pacing is the worst, the grammar is the worst, and the sentence structures are not disguised at all. On top of all of that bad writing, the author had or has the worst possible taste in music: she writes in the Good Charlotte was playing at Hogsmeade and writes in that Draco Malfoy was wearing a Simple Plan shirt at one point.
@@haydenpatterson4720 Well most of the internet is convinced that it is *deliberately* bad (though I've seen equally horrible writing from people who I sadly know were serious). Also, why you gotta drag the bands just because of the author? 🙃
I like most of the music she mentions. It doesn't belong in Harry Potter, but that's true for 99% of things she writes about (guns, satanism, sex, etc.).
"Trees died for this."
Probably the best line in the video!
Also, wow, accidentally seeing a woman's underwear, is the writer actually 9 years old?????
I mean if she was wearing very erotic underwear or a g string, maybe but considering that she's a maid it's highly unlikely.
My favourite scene from The Master is the one where Maxim gives her an umbrella and she’s so freaking happy! “Master gave Dobby an umbrella, Dobby can be dry now!” I quit after 101 pages. Fuck that book.
Thank you for reading and reviewing this!
loool nooo Dobby deserves better than that
I hate Harry Potter, but not even Dobby deserves that.
I love when Krimson not only roasts bad books, but he spends 1-2 hours going into detail
I'm pretty sure he'd explode if he didn't make a 2 hour long release of frustration.
God the ONE time us Albanians get representation, we get this. Loved the breakdown as always! 💜
There was also that time Voldemort hid in Albania. Not that that's better. Nor a representation of Albanians.
Ah, yes, the elusive wrestler known only as El Jámes.
“May I call you El?” I will ask when we finally meet.
Oh man, this shit is so reminiscent of bad wattpad erotica. I can't believe this is a published book. God truly is rapidly ceasing to exist
EL James is a teenage girl in the body of a grown woman.
I’ve read better bad Wattpad fanfiction that’s better than this.
Bad wattpad erotica *also* become published books. Yep.
A stolen past
I’m just saying, I’ve read way better Wattpad erotica (and you know what FFN smut too) from UNDERTALE FANFICTION AND ANIME FANFICTION. And I haven’t read the book but from the rants I think that the fanfiction smut is better.
*krimson:* slow build
*me, a veteran fanfic reader:* _slow burn_
At least those are good slow burns with tension that keeps you engaged
_slow burn, enemies to lovers_
@@andreas_iced8297 *that's the good shit*
@@m.b3839 200k words tell first kiss
@@m.b3839 those are fun with all the bickering between the characters.
Bro I don’t care about books and shit, I just like watching dollar store Jesus lose his mind
preach
You can tell I read/listen to/watch too much true crime because my reaction to "No. No. No. Not the black. Not the plastic bag" was ENTIRELY DIFFERENT.