Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you. -Friedrich W. Nietzsche
@@DawnGreen-wn4hrMy step father was still alive at that point in time. My brother came home from being in the military and something bad happened to him while he was in the military and yes he spoke freely about the situation only to me at first in the beginning after his arrival back home. Not that long after being home he spoke with my parents. We both were close as step siblings, we were the same age, he trusted me and he felt comfortable telling me things. The situation that happened in the military brought it out, it was already there in his bloodline he was only 19 and so was I only 19 years old. I was living on my own away from home, I was in Junior college and I worked two jobs one of my jobs at that time I've been working at since I was 15. The schizophrenia contributed to him losing it/going crazy and he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia/Bipolar disorder it runs on his mother's side of the family. By the way He's my stepbrother with no blood relation still my brother and I was the one keeping him out of trouble growing up.
I am still getting over who I had to become in order to break free in a way that they will NEVER try to speak to me again. It was a job well done on my part, but I am shocked at the lengths I had to go to, it cost me a lot and I have to work hard on justifying what I did, and all I did was say what was true. It took me a year to work up the courage and waiting for the right opportunity. Maybe I overdid it, but you know, I would probably do it again. It was the only way to save myself.
Don't feel bad. Sometimes you have to bring out your dark side to fight evil forces. It's apart of us but be have to keep it under voluntary control and know when to bring it out.
@@ArchAngel435 Google "reactive abuse" and read more about it. There's a lot of people out there who take issue with the term, because it's not really abuse: it's self-defense. You are protecting the remaining humanity that has not been taken from you. And of course he used that against you. That's entirely predictable behavior. He's took advantage of you reaching the end of what you could tolerate after years of submission, and discarded you because of it. It sounds like he's still living in your head a bit, his introject is alive still. I threw a pot across the kitchen in my house two days ago. Because my mom was defending my dad's abusive and hurtful behavior both in the past and present, and gaslighting me into thinking I hadn't heard what I heard, hadn't seen what I saw, hadn't felt what I felt, hadn't interpreted correctly what needed no interpretation. And then she played all the victim cards instead of just hearing the pain I was trying to express. That's abuse. My reaction, at age 35, after decades of quelling the pain I felt from my childhood betrayal from my mother by pitying her, was the reaction I needed to have in order to start getting free. It was justifiable rage. From the outside, if you saw the fury I unleashed, I absolutely would have looked like the abuser. A 35 year old, well-built man raging at a 72 year old woman? That looks terrible. But all of our actions demand context. I was standing up for the kid who was never stood up for, who has been swaddled in shame for his entire adolescence and adult life, and who was still enduring it in the present. It's moving out of the freeze response into the fight, which is a healthy-- I'm no longer playing dead, feeling dead, I'm alive and, well, kicking. You didn't know how to protect yourself from him. Until you did. Was it 'clean'? No. But consider this: had he cared about you at all, he might have stuck around to attempt work through it. And after your nervous system settled, you might have received the message that the rage was communicating ("I'm done") and you would have had the opportunity to convey it with more "grace and aplomb". But he saw his out and took it, because he never cared. And he's left you holding the bag. A lot of well-intentioned people might say things to you like, "Can you forgive yourself?". But maybe if you realize what you did was self-protection, you'll see there's not much to forgive. You don't have to have done it perfectly (another introjected, narcissistic demand). You just had to do it. And you did. If you saw someone kicking a dog for years, and that dog bit back, which ended the torment, could you really blame it? I'd want to love it and show it a better life!
I'm going to get my abuser deported, it's so hard, and I guilt myself about doing it, but they have taken everything from me, and this is my only option to break free.
I was tired of waiting for no contact to work, his stalking and being contacted by his new supplies for his dramas with them - I had to become too toxic for him to touch. Whenever he reached out, I would make sure it somehow poisoned his life. I would make public pronouncements humiliating him for his behaviour, and publish his messages and photos of his stalking. It's been 2 months of no contact now. My fingers are crossed.
If you are a true sensory empath, not a cognative empath this is the key: You can let yourself feel others' feelings, but do not care about them. When you do this you become a human lie detector. This becomes its own problem tho. When you see how often 'good' people lie, and about what, you will want to retract from the world forever. It also creates a feedback loop for detachment. The less you care, the more accurate your perception, because you have rid your own bias. Then when you see the truth of who they are, you will feel justified in not caring.
When the whole world is all about interest, then all this is normal. I am driving Uber, and I notice huge changes in behavior with people just in the past couple of years. Everyone who sits in the car thinks it is queen of England. Exelent work all the best.
Dont be anything bad as the Narcissist, to break the Narcissist be the best version of your self, love your self and left them suffering of losing you!
Yes! Single and Alone at 46 years old. Truth but there is a latent sadness. I do not hate man nor woman. I don't participate in competition, colaboration is the Key.
@@hyperflys Of course i believe it. Why do you think it has not happened to me by man AND woman? Just because i am not "venting" in a comment on youtube?!!
Valknin has recently been describing my life. During the past 7 years, I went from thinking I at least had my mother and some acquaintances, to realizing my mother was targeting me for abuse, going no contact with her, her dying, to my sister targeting me, to realizing that most people have the same ideas about narcissism, in that you need to accept the abuse. Dating scene? I am no perfect person, but it can be hard to find someone, for sure. What this results in is - cats, although I’ve long loved animals. But, no, there is no one I can trust or talk to. No friends. And I am actually an introvert. But, being so does not distract me from the absolute vacancy there is. The not having just one person you can confide in. Although I enjoy my own company and wish I had even more time to myself, t is an absolute moonscape. A person might say that you can’t have it both ways and that is true. But, what it is is that, it can be hard to find people, who don’t have narcissistic views, that you can have a decent conversation with, that aren’t strategizing on how to use you, where you have things in common. And I work for a large corporation. So, while everything is all smiley and chipper, those are not my friends and, as more time passes, they seek to control how you think. The return to workplace issue, I believe, is part of that. The having to immerse oneself, in a group of people, who must collaborate, not for collaboration sake. But, to ensure no one is thinking outside of the box. Enough immersion and you’re not individuated. I have coworkers who either do not realize that or are, “Why would I want to think for myself. I’ll settle my life for a paycheck please. You go ahead, be an idiot and think you’re way out of your job.” We’ve also been spoken to about being careful of what we post online and I don’t think it’s simply not posting anything about the company. I think it’s a violation to post anything that shows you’re thinking about anything at all. As a result, yes, there’s increasing isolation, with the exception of what people impose upon and use you for.
Yes I had to become something I hadn’t been before but it benefited me on many levels I got smart … learned to use my brain in new ways, learned how to talk to lawyers to document to stay one step ahead. I had to think clearly then turn around and use my heart and energy for 3 teens. Iv become a super version of myself … ready for battle but armed with faith
So sadly true....any attempt to establish a deep, intimate relationship ends in tremendous heartbreak..... I've seen marriages of family, friends that are abusive, manipulative, controlling ..... anything but intimate
Mr Vaknin, I can not tell you how timely and seriously relevant this segment is for me. I've been working fervently on a personal issue, trying to find the common denominator in a rapidly deteriorating "relationship." Women haters and men haters attract! Can these things ever really be healed? It seems any Self honesty is such a humbling thing! Bravo to you, Sam, for taking us on this perilous journey, at this pivotal time of change and upheaval. I have learned so much from your work.
I love exactly how you show the world is changing. I have said it in many ways but not so eloquently condensed. And in all honestly, I can not trust anyone. It is exactly 0. If I have good news, I have no one to share it with.
I don't have to imagine the mass migration distopia - I am living it. The population of Australia has more than doubled in 50 years. A million migrants in the year to 'fix' the economy by slashing real wage growth again. And still there is a skills shortage.
Thank you for this!! I’m down to 1 “s” I really don’t care anymore, I’m happy when he’s busy with others and immersed in himself, it’s like a vacation.
I've had a few problems with the medical industry due to the effects from getting an infected plasma transfusion many years ago and trying to get rid of the HCV which came from this. Seriously changed my life, and I've been changed in the process as well no doubt.
Lol no, I'd rather not become a psychopath to accomplish anything. Although it may sound tempting 😂 This may sound strange, but a complete reversal of (mine, since I'll use myself as an example) normal cognitive stacks could help. My complete reversal would put logical thinking and sensory of the environment at the top of cognitive function, which are actions by design. This also puts my personal feelings and the feelings of others at the complete bottom of the stack, making these functions less important so they don't get in the way of decision making. And when all things are said and done, slip back into your normal cognitive behavior. It's not easy, though, and this can be accomplished by working on the weakest parts of yourself
Once again I find myself agreeing with your analysis. Are you aware of the poem "The City at the End of Things" by Archibald Lampman (1861-1899)? You might find it interesting. Here are the first lines... The City at the End of Things Beside the pounding cataracts Of midnight streams unknown to us 'Tis builded in the leafless tracts And valleys huge of Tartarus. Lurid and lofty and vast it seems; It hath no rounded name that rings, But I have heard it called in dreams The City of the End of Things.
Good afternoon. i follow your channel with almost religious zeal. Thank you for your sharing on such complex topics. Could you please provide the link to the study you cited on the lack of trust in sharing secrets. I looked but couldn't find it.
Sam, hi. Why you said once that are 4 s and now 3 s. I am confused (sex, services, supply (narcissistic or sadistic) and safety. Did you change your mind about the 4 s?
Empty being with false self. Misery pushing it out to others. Get money but trust no one. Machiavellianism at its finest. Insomnia and hatred prevail. Close out your conscious self. Sign a pact with the devil is the easiest but you will have to sacrifice the one you love most. Find peace and create healthy relations sounds like success.
@@SebiAlan-tq3xq and its all fake. Performance, acting, artifitial. The NPD i've finally left when recognize told me that she has no Access to any emotions and the last emotion she felt was envy 4 months ago. At surface You would see a beautiful, succesfull girl that Has money, sex, attention - so what? Its all fake and based on lies, no real intimacy, no real connection with anyone even if she can have 3 invites to different parties each day - so what? She can't feel anything positive and really is na attention slave in constant urge of external validation. That's the saddest empty life one can imagine. Dont trust the cover page, there's nothing to envy them, as they have nothing inside that could feel anything good. Focus on You! All the Best!
Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.
-Friedrich W. Nietzsche
Nietzsche was driven mad by his mother and sister.
learning by doing
That`s the mechanism of PROJECTIVE IDENTIFICATION
@@DawnGreen-wn4hrMy step father was still alive at that point in time. My brother came home from being in the military and something bad happened to him while he was in the military and yes he spoke freely about the situation only to me at first in the beginning after his arrival back home. Not that long after being home he spoke with my parents. We both were close as step siblings, we were the same age, he trusted me and he felt comfortable telling me things. The situation that happened in the military brought it out, it was already there in his bloodline he was only 19 and so was I only 19 years old. I was living on my own away from home, I was in Junior college and I worked two jobs one of my jobs at that time I've been working at since I was 15. The schizophrenia contributed to him losing it/going crazy and he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia/Bipolar disorder it runs on his mother's side of the family. By the way He's my stepbrother with no blood relation still my brother and I was the one keeping him out of trouble growing up.
I am still getting over who I had to become in order to break free in a way that they will NEVER try to speak to me again. It was a job well done on my part, but I am shocked at the lengths I had to go to, it cost me a lot and I have to work hard on justifying what I did, and all I did was say what was true. It took me a year to work up the courage and waiting for the right opportunity. Maybe I overdid it, but you know, I would probably do it again. It was the only way to save myself.
Same here. I couldn't do no contact until there was no choice.
Extremely relatable
Don't feel bad. Sometimes you have to bring out your dark side to fight evil forces. It's apart of us but be have to keep it under voluntary control and know when to bring it out.
@@ArchAngel435 Google "reactive abuse" and read more about it. There's a lot of people out there who take issue with the term, because it's not really abuse: it's self-defense. You are protecting the remaining humanity that has not been taken from you. And of course he used that against you. That's entirely predictable behavior. He's took advantage of you reaching the end of what you could tolerate after years of submission, and discarded you because of it. It sounds like he's still living in your head a bit, his introject is alive still.
I threw a pot across the kitchen in my house two days ago. Because my mom was defending my dad's abusive and hurtful behavior both in the past and present, and gaslighting me into thinking I hadn't heard what I heard, hadn't seen what I saw, hadn't felt what I felt, hadn't interpreted correctly what needed no interpretation. And then she played all the victim cards instead of just hearing the pain I was trying to express. That's abuse.
My reaction, at age 35, after decades of quelling the pain I felt from my childhood betrayal from my mother by pitying her, was the reaction I needed to have in order to start getting free. It was justifiable rage.
From the outside, if you saw the fury I unleashed, I absolutely would have looked like the abuser. A 35 year old, well-built man raging at a 72 year old woman? That looks terrible. But all of our actions demand context. I was standing up for the kid who was never stood up for, who has been swaddled in shame for his entire adolescence and adult life, and who was still enduring it in the present. It's moving out of the freeze response into the fight, which is a healthy-- I'm no longer playing dead, feeling dead, I'm alive and, well, kicking.
You didn't know how to protect yourself from him. Until you did. Was it 'clean'? No. But consider this: had he cared about you at all, he might have stuck around to attempt work through it. And after your nervous system settled, you might have received the message that the rage was communicating ("I'm done") and you would have had the opportunity to convey it with more "grace and aplomb". But he saw his out and took it, because he never cared. And he's left you holding the bag.
A lot of well-intentioned people might say things to you like, "Can you forgive yourself?". But maybe if you realize what you did was self-protection, you'll see there's not much to forgive. You don't have to have done it perfectly (another introjected, narcissistic demand). You just had to do it. And you did. If you saw someone kicking a dog for years, and that dog bit back, which ended the torment, could you really blame it? I'd want to love it and show it a better life!
I'm going to get my abuser deported, it's so hard, and I guilt myself about doing it, but they have taken everything from me, and this is my only option to break free.
To defeat the Villain, Batman most become dark like the Villain temporarily .
I was tired of waiting for no contact to work, his stalking and being contacted by his new supplies for his dramas with them - I had to become too toxic for him to touch. Whenever he reached out, I would make sure it somehow poisoned his life. I would make public pronouncements humiliating him for his behaviour, and publish his messages and photos of his stalking. It's been 2 months of no contact now. My fingers are crossed.
I want to develop psychopathic traits like emotional detachment, but still want my empathy.
It’s about having strong boundaries to contain your emotions (boundaries come from rage, anger, pride, discipline and logic)
If you are a true sensory empath, not a cognative empath this is the key: You can let yourself feel others' feelings, but do not care about them.
When you do this you become a human lie detector. This becomes its own problem tho. When you see how often 'good' people lie, and about what, you will want to retract from the world forever. It also creates a feedback loop for detachment. The less you care, the more accurate your perception, because you have rid your own bias. Then when you see the truth of who they are, you will feel justified in not caring.
When the whole world is all about interest, then all this is normal. I am driving Uber, and I notice huge changes in behavior with people just in the past couple of years.
Everyone who sits in the car thinks it is queen of England.
Exelent work all the best.
Dont be anything bad as the Narcissist, to break the Narcissist be the best version of your self, love your self and left them suffering of losing you!
Yes! Single and Alone at 46 years old. Truth but there is a latent sadness. I do not hate man nor woman. I don't participate in competition, colaboration is the Key.
I've been defamed, lied to, cheated, back stabbed by so many women...you won't believe it until it starts happen to you.
🎯
@@hyperflys Of course i believe it. Why do you think it has not happened to me by man AND woman? Just because i am not "venting" in a comment on youtube?!!
They are robots, not humans, so, I have much more feelings and consciusness for ants, grass, vegetables, stones...........
Valknin has recently been describing my life. During the past 7 years, I went from thinking I at least had my mother and some acquaintances, to realizing my mother was targeting me for abuse, going no contact with her, her dying, to my sister targeting me, to realizing that most people have the same ideas about narcissism, in that you need to accept the abuse. Dating scene? I am no perfect person, but it can be hard to find someone, for sure.
What this results in is - cats, although I’ve long loved animals. But, no, there is no one I can trust or talk to. No friends. And I am actually an introvert. But, being so does not distract me from the absolute vacancy there is. The not having just one person you can confide in. Although I enjoy my own company and wish I had even more time to myself, t is an absolute moonscape. A person might say that you can’t have it both ways and that is true. But, what it is is that, it can be hard to find people, who don’t have narcissistic views, that you can have a decent conversation with, that aren’t strategizing on how to use you, where you have things in common. And I work for a large corporation. So, while everything is all smiley and chipper, those are not my friends and, as more time passes, they seek to control how you think. The return to workplace issue, I believe, is part of that. The having to immerse oneself, in a group of people, who must collaborate, not for collaboration sake. But, to ensure no one is thinking outside of the box. Enough immersion and you’re not individuated. I have coworkers who either do not realize that or are, “Why would I want to think for myself. I’ll settle my life for a paycheck please. You go ahead, be an idiot and think you’re way out of your job.” We’ve also been spoken to about being careful of what we post online and I don’t think it’s simply not posting anything about the company. I think it’s a violation to post anything that shows you’re thinking about anything at all.
As a result, yes, there’s increasing isolation, with the exception of what people impose upon and use you for.
Sam, once again you're speaking the truth 😢 I'm still recovering from the abuse of the covert narc and it's been 10months.
Maybe, 'One' isn't always the loneliest number.
Yes I had to become something I hadn’t been before but it benefited me on many levels
I got smart … learned to use my brain in new ways, learned how to talk to lawyers to document to stay one step ahead. I had to think clearly then turn around and use my heart and energy for 3 teens. Iv become a super version of myself … ready for battle but armed with faith
So sadly true....any attempt to establish a deep, intimate relationship ends in tremendous heartbreak..... I've seen marriages of family, friends that are abusive, manipulative, controlling ..... anything but intimate
Mr Vaknin, I can not tell you how timely and seriously relevant this segment is for me. I've been working fervently on a personal issue, trying to find the common denominator in a rapidly deteriorating "relationship." Women haters and men haters attract! Can these things ever really be healed? It seems any Self honesty is such a humbling thing! Bravo to you, Sam, for taking us on this perilous journey, at this pivotal time of change and upheaval. I have learned so much from your work.
I love exactly how you show the world is changing. I have said it in many ways but not so eloquently condensed. And in all honestly, I can not trust anyone. It is exactly 0. If I have good news, I have no one to share it with.
I don't want to become anything ever again.
I don't have to imagine the mass migration distopia - I am living it. The population of Australia has more than doubled in 50 years. A million migrants in the year to 'fix' the economy by slashing real wage growth again. And still there is a skills shortage.
Thank you for this!!
I’m down to 1 “s”
I really don’t care anymore, I’m happy when he’s busy with others and immersed in himself, it’s like a vacation.
I've had a few problems with the medical industry due to the effects from getting an infected plasma transfusion many years ago and trying to get rid of the HCV which came from this. Seriously changed my life, and I've been changed in the process as well no doubt.
I literally had a f***** boss who always talked about how he would walk by and take a snapshot 😂😂
Lol no, I'd rather not become a psychopath to accomplish anything. Although it may sound tempting 😂
This may sound strange, but a complete reversal of (mine, since I'll use myself as an example) normal cognitive stacks could help.
My complete reversal would put logical thinking and sensory of the environment at the top of cognitive function, which are actions by design. This also puts my personal feelings and the feelings of others at the complete bottom of the stack, making these functions less important so they don't get in the way of decision making.
And when all things are said and done, slip back into your normal cognitive behavior.
It's not easy, though, and this can be accomplished by working on the weakest parts of yourself
Thank you so much.
Yes. U have to become something else to escape the narc
i lost myself
Hello from Poland
Brilliant content.
Life-saving!!!
Thank you Dr. V.🌎
True cos i had to react in away i never expected to get free.
Good lesson thanks
I broke my ex. With my pure heart.
10:50 excellent parenting!! We turned out amazing!!!
Done this many a time 😆😆😆
Not infidelity just being a huge ass to "friends".
*love the Dr*
Once again I find myself agreeing with your analysis. Are you aware of the poem "The City at the End of Things" by Archibald Lampman (1861-1899)? You might find it interesting. Here are the first lines...
The City at the End of Things
Beside the pounding cataracts
Of midnight streams unknown to us
'Tis builded in the leafless tracts
And valleys huge of Tartarus.
Lurid and lofty and vast it seems;
It hath no rounded name that rings,
But I have heard it called in dreams
The City of the End of Things.
You can’t become a psychopath…
True. But you can adopt psychopathic behaviors and traits until you are indistinguishable from a psychopath as far as others are concerned.
Good afternoon. i follow your channel with almost religious zeal. Thank you for your sharing on such complex topics. Could you please provide the link to the study you cited on the lack of trust in sharing secrets. I looked but couldn't find it.
Sex, supply, and services.
And safety.
My ex-partner (MD narc) confirms...
So on point.
professor, can one turn down the dials of his/her emotional centers to mimic apathy of the psychopath through practice?
Ye, I wouldn’t do it though, you’ll miss your emotional Centers, life’s pretty dull without them
Yes, but only to a limited extent.
@@nothingnessnonarcissism thank you
thank you
Sam, hi. Why you said once that are 4 s and now 3 s. I am confused (sex, services, supply (narcissistic or sadistic) and safety. Did you change your mind about the 4 s?
Maybe giving safety can be 'the being nice' which narcissists take as you are doing that to frustrate me.
It is 4 Ss: sex, supply (sadistic and narcissistic), services, safety.
This is pretty bleak. Are we heading towards what Atwood describes in the Handmaid’s tale? A Gilead type of world?
Is a couger a psychopath, patient, expecting a hot meal,tis tis clarreese
I have a question, how do I become more psychopath and narcist? I really want what those kind of person has, success
What success?
Empty being with false self. Misery pushing it out to others. Get money but trust no one. Machiavellianism at its finest. Insomnia and hatred prevail. Close out your conscious self. Sign a pact with the devil is the easiest but you will have to sacrifice the one you love most.
Find peace and create healthy relations sounds like success.
@@michalos_skruberix They have it all, fame, money, power... everything.
@@SebiAlan-tq3xq and its all fake. Performance, acting, artifitial. The NPD i've finally left when recognize told me that she has no Access to any emotions and the last emotion she felt was envy 4 months ago. At surface You would see a beautiful, succesfull girl that Has money, sex, attention - so what? Its all fake and based on lies, no real intimacy, no real connection with anyone even if she can have 3 invites to different parties each day - so what? She can't feel anything positive and really is na attention slave in constant urge of external validation. That's the saddest empty life one can imagine. Dont trust the cover page, there's nothing to envy them, as they have nothing inside that could feel anything good. Focus on You! All the Best!
Is narcissism a gendered issue inherent only to men? Or did I miss something here?
Latest thinking over the last few years is the distribution of most mental illness is more less equal between men and women
Half of all narcissists are women.