Weaponized Incompetence: When is it Abuse? with
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- čas přidán 13. 11. 2022
- Men and women can be perpetrators of weaponized Incompetence. In this conversation with @thatdarnchat, we discuss domestic labor equity, Fair Play, communication and when these patterns go from selfish to abusive. In this conversation we are discussing when men are the perpetrators of this, but note that it isn't all men nor it is only men.
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When he did anything at all that took something off my plate, I had to spend my energy telling him how great and amazing he is and how much I appreciate it.
Honestly it was easier to do it myself.
I experienced the exact same thing. I was enough and made a decision to call it quits. I'm still going through the pain of separation but it's better than the treatment he was giving me.
I can relate. I had plans wit a friend and expected my ex to watch our six month old. I left after she was put to bed. I came home after 2 hours, the front door was wide open and my ex was asleep in his recliner. When I went to check on my daughter she was not in her crib. Panicked I searched the entire house and she was nowhere. The ex was mad that that I woke him up. I’m on the phone with the police when the ex’s friend comes in with my daughter. Seems he stopped by and she was crying and wouldn’t wake up to take care of her so the friend took my daughter to his mothers house (no car seat no diapers no bottles). I never left my kids in his care again. That’s weaponized incompetence. He took away my right for interests outside of kids, husband and home.
I’m sorry you and your child had to go through it, but that’s not what we consider weaponized incompetence, that’s neglect and child abuse. I hope you’re doing well now
I hope you pressed charges against the ex for neglect.
Weaponized incompetence... he complained about when I did not do dishes on his time schedule, when I worked full time and he was unemployed.... then when he did the dishes, they were still visibly dirty. One of the many reasons I separated from him.
My father did this to my mother for years, he deliberately mismanaged money so mum would do it, the same with the cooking and household duties. It was on purpose.
Yup. Yup. Yup. Have watched this in my household.🥴🤯🫶🏻
They are aware of everything they do. Don't be fooled and don't give them the courtesy of trying to excuse their behavior. They would never do it for you. It's every man for himself out here. Protect YOURSELF❤ work on yourself!
people need to remember that abuse isn't always criminal. i think that is why most people get so upset when we dare use that word to describe this behavior, even though it is definitely abuse. society has even weaponized the word abuse and they think for a man to be abusive he must be physical. a woman can be abusive in their minds by just using words though. they have also weaponized the word rape to mean something so specific in our minds that using that word feels wrong in most situations even though what we are talking about is irrefutably rape. not everything is forcible, physical, or able to be pursued by the criminal justice system. and that doesn't mean it's not abuse or rape. this is part of the patriarchy in my opinion. it is so horrifying how deep misogyny goes. this toxic abuse from men is just as damaging and traumatic to not only the people in the relationship but everyone around them and society at large. it simply isn't visible in a way most people recognize and they seem often unwilling to examine.
Ironically it hit me toward the end when you were speaking of "transactional sex" and a sense of some men feeling that they "deserve it" and it is being "withheld". Do not incels believe the same thing along with their extreme misogyny? But to be fair there seem to be a wide range of men with this mindset to some degree.
Men are never entitled to sex. Ever.
When I told my emotionally a* b*u*ve that sex was off the table, boundaries will be followed and he is not allowed to be mean or rude to me, he raged out. I bought shots and he was supposed to bring them over and have a drink with me(we were still friends, big mistake) and he started to threaten that he wouldn't bring the item I paid for unless I had s*x with him. Told him I'd report it to his drug court and got the shots lol. Boy texted me the next day after raging, "good morning" 😑 called me a wh*re, after he told me I wouldn't get them unless I f*ck him. I said I don't want to, and either your going to give me the item I paid for or you can hold it over my head and get charged with soliciting pro***titu*n see
I ask my boyfriend to help me clean because after my cancer treatment I can't clean that much and he told me that he works all day.
I hope you have already broken up with him
Heal and leave🙌🏽💯🙌🏽
And he's still your boyfriend??
I'm so sorry. Part of the reason I'm single is because I have a chronic illness and I have never had a partner understand my inability to contribute the way I desperately wish I could.
I stopped having those conversations. I just don't do those things anymore that were taken for granted. I used to meal prep for years. Not any more.. I only cook for myself and my dependent child, not the 40something "child" I'm married to.
Fantastic! If he could have you wipe his azz, he probably would!! Men will have absolutely nothing and STILL HAVE THE AUDACITY!
This video should be shown in high schools…along with so many other life skills!
Honestly, i wish more people would discuss these things before they get married, live with, or have kids with anyone.
I agree that the discussion should be had before marriage, however, some people put their best foot forward at first, just to lapse into this behavior right after the ink dries on the marriage certificate, or the first child is born. It’s a common tactic for some to wait until lives, families, and finances are intertwined because they know that it’s very difficult to get out at that point.
Narcissists are very very attentive and charming until the have what they want. It starts after the wedding and often after the kids.
@@graceanne385 common that it starts during a pregnancy or after the child arrives. They are very jealous if they are not the center of attention and you or the baby are. . They have a very retaliatory vindictive nature, but will often be covert with how they retaliate, then vehemently deny it,
My narc fella never lifted a hand in our home … but the good thing is much as he told me I was useless… I can do everything ❤
I don't ask him to do anything in the house anymore all he does is going around the house and nip pick at all the things I do wrong there is no point on my end
I agree I do everything in the house including the garbage I don't like being a stay at home mom he acts like he works harder than me he works at stop and shop in the deli that's easier than a 2 yr old and 5 yr old I'm tired of him not taking my feelings seriously
Oh yeah my boyfriend does this too
It really is not, give you man some love and appreciation.
@@becky9857 raising and caring for TWO KIDS IS harder than a stop and shop deli!!! Thats delusional if you think otherwise!
@@becky9857go away BECKY. She owes him nothing when he can't even lift a pinky to help. NOTHING.
@@bostonb4kedbeans i disagree.
Amazing conversation. My husband is great with sharing household responsibilities, but I’ve watched my dad use this against my mom my whole life. Now his health has become the reason he can’t lift a finger, but it’s been 50+ yrs of this so we all know it’s just his entitlement.
Having this particular covert weapon used against me was the beginning of using other weapons against me. Abuse might stop at some point, but I've never met that couple. Leaving isn't always safe and staying probably isn't safe either, so find local help to get out.
This is so pervasive that I've experienced this abuse in lesbian relationships too. My ex had a conventally masculine high paying job (construction) I had a difficult job running the education department in a residential treatment facility for traumatized girls. But I made less because my job was valued less by society so I was still expected to do most of the house work. My request for a cleaning lady resulted in her insulting me and all of my contributions. The sad thing is I can honestly say she was a good person she was just operating as business as usual in the patriarchy.
I stopped picking up the slack. His reaction was having the kids and him do dinner and laundry for themselves. Leaving me out of the equation. So I am not getting any care or partnership
Wow. He really didn't like you. We are now learning how some of these men can be with you, even marry and have children with you but the whole time they really can't stand you. I honestly believe most men are psychopaths.
How's it going? Did you escape?
Soooooo enlightening thank you so much ladies!!!
Her dish argument is also solid for dysfunctional families too!
but I've heard the argument of "If it's important to them they should do it rather then me cuz it's not important to me to do the X in question." is also phrased as value incompatibility rather then abuse. It's incompatibility under it cuz he doesn't value clean dishes & a clean house but she does. But this incompatible value vs abuse would hinge on the fact he truly doesn't care about a clean house at all if he whines or demands she cleans the place ever at all then this shows he does value a clean house it's just he doesn't want to do it he wants her to clean it for his behalf.
My boyfriend doesn't help me clean that much at all. He says he will help but yet he sleeps all day and lays in bed all day on his phone up until he has to go to work
Why do you all stay with these people? I just don't get it.
@@badasstruckinbabebecause the man made their self esteem so garbage by picking at them for years, and it makes you feel trapped, stuck and like absolutey no one will love you. So you begin to think you deserve the treatment. I'm glad you have high self esteem, but others fall victim to this everyday. Have some compassion and be classy.
I'm a man (empath) who has been trapped in a pattern of narcissistic abuse for about 30 years, married 25 years. This just came to realization the past 1 1/2 years. She revealed herself, pulled off her mask...OMG! is all I can say. The abuse I've suffered...😪😔 I'm trying to find myself. It's like I don't know, forgotten who I am. I have a long road ahead. Like that series, the shrink next door, I have to take my life back myself. No one can do it for me. She has weaponized everything and anything. The gaslighting, devaluation, intimidation, trauma bonding... I hope your information I've subscribed to helps me on my journey.
Get out of this corner of youtube man, go work on yourself. You are worth it. You got this.
I hope you're doing well and are finding yourself! 😞❤️ I'm so sorry you went through that!
Thank you! I'm stronger. We were in the process of getting divorced, but it's postponed. Not because I'm still in her web or under her coercive control, but that it's more strategic legal planning. I've been doing much work on myself, and I'm able to recognize her ways. I like and love myself now, which is a huge step for me. She still tries using all the weapons in her arsenal, but it does not work, which gets her angry.
Women really cannot have anything without men following, begging for attention talking about themselves. 30 years? I smell BS.
I'm glad you're getting out of a terrible relationship even though it's hard!!! Please remember that you deserve respect like anyone else does & you're making progress towards being a stronger person every day. Abuse can happen to ANYONE unfortunately. Work on yourself & focus on the good that will come your way. Best of luck to you, fellow survivor!!!
The dishes being done before bed is a MENTAL HEALTH DESIRE. if your husband doesn't care about the dishes let him have a messy kitchen for a month. You can wash yourself a dish before you eat. When he goes to get coffee and go to work hes going to eventually be bothered by a messy kitchen and want a clean coffee cup and a lunch made for work.
Wow you missed the entire point. Fascinating.
Many times, I have to ask him to empty the sink/load the dishwasher. I’ve had to try to condition him to view the kitchen as a top priority in housekeeping, along with bathroom cleaning. I keep items that shouldn’t go in the dishwasher on the counter otherwise our sink would just always be filled. Stainless steel water bottles, wood cutting boards, chef’s knives, aluminum ice cream scoops, delicate drinkware, thermoses and pots + pans.
Inevitably, these things rarely get completed when he loads the dishwasher. They can sit for weeks if I test his awareness of them. He argued for years, “Why can’t they go in the dishwasher? I don’t understand.” For years I really blamed + doubted my ability to communicate effectively for his lack of understanding. He will argue with me over how to properly load a dishwasher because his way gets about half the amount that I can load. He didn’t like to put the dishes away. Due to his difficulty with finding the regular place where items are stored, nesting sets of bowls within each other, effectively stacking pots + pans, etc.
In summary, he gets to skip two major steps in the process and the other he gets to do inefficiently. All leaving the lions share of this major, daily household task to be. Add children into the mix and now his incompetence is compounded by the kids following his lead because it’s the easy way out.
It's abuse when you get injured or ill, and they pretend to not know how to pick up groceries, get you to and from and appt, or do anything.
When you're forced to further injure yourself, because they refuse to arrange transportation, they keep you from accessing assistance, or groups that will actually help you, or even act above certain errands.
If your actions are damaging someone, because of feigned incompetence, it is abuse.
Me (setting it up): "Babe, you never tell me about your job. What do you do at work?"
Him: *explains details of organizing and leading teams aka project management
Me: "Thanks for sharing that." *kisses him
....Next time he says he can't cook dinner because he doesn't know what to do
Me: "Know that stuff you do at work? Same thing, but dinner."
Him: *Pikachu surprise face
...Oh and by the way, we are no longer together.
Thank you both so much!!!!💗✨️💞
I completely agree about weaponized incompetence being abuse. My husband has NPD and he does it all the time. I agree with what you're saying; however, what I disagree with is the example of the spouse working 80 hours a week. I think in every marriage there's give and take. If one spouse is going to work 80 hours a week to pay the bills then the spouse staying home should be able to handle all the work. I am a working mom who works 40 to 42 hours a week and then I come home and have to clean and cook and do laundry. I drop into bed at night exhausted! I can't imagine having to do house work after 80 HOURS of work. That I completely disagree with.
So i honestly was leaving my underwear on the ground. And im hearing that it is abusive. When i was a kid. My mom didnt keep the house clean. She didnt require us to pick up our clothes from the bathroom floor. There was always as long as i can remember, a pile of laundry on the bathroom floor. Also a huge pile of damp clothes always in the laundry room. Im not stupid. Maybe a little lazy but honestly, I was very CLUTTER BLIND my whole life. So my underwear were not the only thing on the floor. There would be multiple thinkgs on the floor. Like other family members clothes, kids toys, his underwear... i wasnt intentionally trying to gross him out or frustrate him
Preach girl!
And now imagine that all these not-caring people are the leaders of companies....
I really enjoyed this ❤
What do women get out of marriage? They get a warm body, an owner, and they get "purpose/usefulness" which in history past they said all women needed to be/feel useful so first their parents "helped" them with that & then their new owner I mean husband did as well. It's the same argument they used for slaves they needed someone to boss them around and make them useful for otherwise they were not. They were assigned spouses for good behavior so while on the plantation depending on it's structure the male slave could either get a slave if they had their own cabin or he'd at least get a part time aid as the slave master may still take his wife as his own half the other time.
When men say women aren't communicating what they mean is that women must speak guy-eses here and speak to the point, speak concisely, speak the exact action wanted and nothing else in order for the info to properly enter is brain & be accepted she has to voice hack his pea size brain so the 0101s match up for his processor called a brain but the funny thing is men do not even say the same for women they don't have to learn her-ese in by stating feelings, why is it important to him, and who knows what else in order for her brain to process the info it's only a one way excuse.
He speaks english if he has a mental problem that is legit that his brain can't comprehend unspoken language then he needs to get tested & he needs to know that about himself and ways so make sure he understands but this mental defect is very rare. If she's speaking their native language & he doesn't get why it's his job to ask why to learn rather then shut down the convo it's not her job to speak some male sub-language.
As for hiring help there is also a mental & emotional guilt shame component that most women may face when hiring help this person this stranger has to come to a dirty home to help clean & or run it with you those women I find tidy up a bit before hand or leave the house fully cuz they do not want to feel the shame guilt of not being able to actually do the xyz in question, they pay the bill still feeling the ick, shame, and guilt of doing so and so the woman feeling like she's failed as a wife to herself, society, and her man doesn't get mentally better she can hold or get worse unless you really got a girl in denial or some type of split to handle that. She maybe gaslighting herself to accept this stranger. Meanwhile he's not feeling bad at all as in his world his home is gorgeous like he expected & was told by society he deserves not form his own labor but the women he hired + the destress of his wife.
Funny. Ive heard women say plainly "I NEED you to do this" and men do not care.
How do you address this with your SONS who watch the father engage in weaponized incompetence?
I raised a successful man as a single mom. Using his bio and step dads as examples, I was direct in demonstrating that NO ONE wants someone who doesn’t care about others or themselves.
Point out good and bad behavior and discuss it. Listen to how your child is interpreting the world and come down to their level. Make them feel heard and valued. Take the time to teach the details of tasks. Teach them to use chore time as an opportunity to reflect upon their feelings or sing silly songs.
OMG Ladies I just had an Aaa HA moment And I hate to admit this OMG I am Abusing my husband by not keep things clean the way he wants to And I don't care how it makes him feel! So....This was very important for My relationship And omg why didn't I see this?
You are taking ownership. This is huge.❤❤❤❤
😂 your sarcasm is awesome
Boy is this a subject!
This sounds so familiar it’s scary.🥴
Who the hell would run their home if they didn't have a gal to "care" about it for them. That's what I don't get...
Also. Real Men, Women, Adults, decent human beings, take CARE of themselves no matter who is around. In my opinion.
If you dont know how to do something, you can learn.
My family never wanted me to grow up 😂 it shows 😂🤣
😢
If people don't like you fact pinning that shit back on the patriarch you have his two other brothers Capitalism or Religion Catholicism to choose as well as these three brothers support one another.
Watch this comment get highlighted for no apparent reason ... True GANG STALKING
Plot twist Competent folks: The people that are incompetent maybe don’t really know how to do to stuff? Did you ever take a chance to think about it? 🤔 maybe they really never learnt or were never given the opportunity, usually by their parents or family that spoiled them, to learn and practice how to fold the laundry and clean the dishes and house properly.
I can admit though, the practice, willingness part 100% on them! Lovely day to you guys 🙂
Adults who care, learn. If not it becomes weaponized ignorance as well.
Yeah, that doesn’t really hold up in the age of the internet. If a person cares, there are endless tutorials available.
@@tesselate8nowait262 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Google
What an amazingly effective way to insult and diminish the experiences of people who are actually abused.
My husband left a fork in the sink! Oh god I'm being ABUSED! tiktok told me so!
Men brain moment :🧠
Abuse comes in many different forms, not strictly physical or verbal. Dealing with a partner who consistently pretends that their "incapable" of correctly doing dishes/watching children/cleaning up after themselves is harmful behavior to the person stuck dealing with them. I know this because I'm working through it with my fiance & I was also in a physically, verbally & emotionally abusive relationship earlier in my life. Let me tell you something: I finally got the courage to end the first relationship but because I do love my fiance, it's not so easy to give up on our (mostly good) relationship, but I feel disrespected by his weaponized incompetence. Yes, we've discussed it numerous times without fighting. Unfortunately, it took the very real threat of me leaving & ending our relationship for him to finally understand that I'm not, never have been & never will be his personal maid. I don't mind cleaning, but he's 47 years old & lives like a "frat bro" leaving his messes & filth everywhere, unlike our roommate who has tried talking to him & explaining that adults don't expect their significant others to clean up after them every friggin day. So think before you spout off, m'kay?
You guys are not realistic with the human experience of life, partnership, love and individuality. Good luck to you. Women dont follow this narrative, work on yourself and have clear, calm,productive communication.
Or your experience is different than ours. *Gasp*. Shocking.
@strongerthanbefore every persons experience is different. Be more considered of your partners and not so quick to call their behavior "weaponizing." Dont be so quick to draw conclusions. Work on your relationship,on being patient and perseverant.
@nicolewilson283 i did not misunderstand, I disagree, as stated.