The DIMMER patterns: How narcissists dim your sense of self and well being
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- čas přidán 14. 02. 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT. - Zábava
Narcissists target your self-esteem. They make you believe that it’s wrong for you to be who you are. So then you end up changing yourself to please them. Until you become a shell of who you used to be. And then they gaslight you into thinking that you made those changes on your own. And then they blame you.
exactly 👏👏
Definitely have been attempt gaslighted into saying certain decisions or lack of on situations were wanted by me or made by me or instigated by me when often it was the opposite, and worse the whole family and community were made to think that way. Sometimes there isn’t one person involved but a group. What a waste of a life and human. Could not stand up for self and do what I had planned and obligated to with two cancers as a young woman, auto immune that developed, and more, plus being overseas. Really had needed help and was acting responsibly I felt. Tried to handle by myself for years. Anyway, it is what it is.
Spot on.
Well said. This discard is built into the cake.
@@DzsM-rz7gu Great idea. Give them an AI robot if they are narcissistic. Save the humans. That would make a great movie. Then watch the robots have a breakdown.
They ruin your mental health and happiness. Helping others who are going through the same thing is very helpful for our well-being.
Can I talk to u...? Can u share your Insta..
True! and they still find faults with you at almost 70 if you aren't on dating sites because it's the new fad for a companionship!
Yes, I agree. "Helpers Calm" is a real thing. ❤
They'll ruin your physical health too.
Dr. Ramani, you have been that 1 person who has explained all the things about narcissism. You have saved my life. THANK YOU!
Exactly, you get sick and they minimize it,roll their eyes, think you are exaggerating…. then they get sick and its a catastrophe.
I broke my wrist last year and he said, “it’s not that bad”. My wrist was in plaster for 6 weeks, needed a lot of physical therapy and has set very badly, ie not aligned. He doesn’t get the pain I am constantly in.
Vampires I call them. Today you find them everywhere, online and in real life.
I head that once. Emotional vampires. So true...
Very true. I am living with a narc (housesharing - in a dorm) and last night she actually stood near my bunk, in the middle of the night, to try and see if I was sleeping or not. I sometimes read in bed. She had woken me up but I pretended I was still asleep. It felt so unnatural. Last evening she spent some time talking to herself aloud (hoping I would join in) then tried to make me feel sorry for her (sighing exaggeratedly, coughing, sneezing) then tried to pick up a fight with me, I just nodded and went 'hum' while trying to focus on my book. Today I am not working so I went to the library (as she will be after me if I stay in the room or in the living room - she's on benefits), she followed me there...
My narcissistic person called everyone else a vampire - he was the angel.
Do *not* insult my kin by attributing such lousy beings to the night's stunning rulers.
No kidding. That’s exactly what they are.
When you tell a narcissist about a serious problem they are going they take it with a grain of salt and make it sound like it’s no big deal, they’ll say stuff like they’ve had it worse, but when they’re dealt the same problem, they act like their world is ending. Even if it’s not a major issue, to them the world revolves around them.
so true
Yes, and they expect you to listen intently and commiserate with them, even join them in their unreasonable campaigns, BUT, if you want someone to talk to about even a "small" issue like having the flu, they will gray rock you and if you persist trying to get them to give you even 1/2 the attention they demand for their possible exposure to covid because some kid at Walmart 2 aisles over sneezed, they will tell you that you are making a big deal over something just everyone has to deal with, that's just life if it is you, but if it is them? OMG!!
Yes, narcissists have to one-up everything.
Then they'll use it as ammo for a later argument.
Always
I just shared with someone that's becoming a church counselor and their response was, "complement him and make him feel super special because his behavior is due to very low self esteem". He's a very talented pianist and gets constant praise. I thought, how much more praise can he get?!!! Just another person completely invalidating all the wrong my husband is doing to me. The only person is my daughter, who has seen the extremely personable individual he is to outsiders, and how cruel he is to us. If it were not for her, i wouldn't be here to write this.
There are no conversations in the church about church members being abusive. Mental abuse from a Narcissist is not something that can be treated in the church. Been there done that.
If you complement them, they treat you even worse.
😮
As a DV Advocate I was taught that slamming doors, punching walls, throwing things, etc…are the displacement of physical violence toward their victim. It was a huge red flag.
Agreed. I had a friend whose husband was doing that, and I told her it was his method of intimidating her and could very well progress to hitting her. A year or so later he cornered her in the house with a firearm and said he was going to kill her. Thankfully she ran away and got a neighbor to call police, and divorced him.
We all need to be educated about spotting red flags early in life. We are in fact educated to FORGIVE, to not hold accountable every form of rage, or controlling, abusive behaviors that clearly signal deeper issues.
I agree. It is a red flag I look out for. I recently worked for over 2 months in a team where the line leader had a lot of self control and didn't shout. I only saw him lose his temper once, and that was on a day when everything was going pear shaped. He punched the wall while walking away from the scene of the disaster, while quietly swearing to himself. That was it. Some people actually thought that this was a sign of 'weakness' but I much prefer working for people like that rather than for bullies who shout at underlings for no reason.
Let's not forget about reactive abuse.
Yes, but , they also can push and push and push your buttons. So you lash out with reactive abuse. You try to get your point across and they insist that you are wrong. So finally you loose it and punch a wall or slap a door. . Then they call you crazy !
This woman is a lifesaver. You know I have been through a laundry list of situations in my life from, alcoholic parents, parental suicide, physical abuse and so much more leading all the way up to my kids and my heartless mother now involving her grandkids. Thank you for helping us and saving lives. You're an amazing soul.
I love to see someone living their purpose. ❤😊
Get your children away from her.
71 and still learning, dealing with and surviving. Mother was a covert and father was a malignant narcissist. My maternal grandmother loved and supported me and she is the only reason I survived and learned how to be a loving and kind person. I will always be damaged but I’m surviving.
This is so true! I’m now stuttering at the age of 55, having NEVER had a history of stuttering before. The cumulative stress is real.
So real. I became to question my ability to do anything, not to mention enjoyment of it all.
Sending lots of love. You are capable and will heal from this❤
@@matilda1505Yeah, riiight? I can totally resonate with this. I tend to have trouble spitting out what I have to say, let alone have the ability to just "grab the bull by the horns", if you will, on anything, because I wasn't given the opportunity or space to try. Not granted any genuine trust, because my mistakes were too much, or too detrimental to someone else's existence, or space.😢❤
Heard, same here.
THANK YOU, Dr. Ramani. You have been my main source of validation for years now. You need to know how much you and your work means to so many. You saved my life as well. ❤❤❤
I got out of my relationship after just this. My dad had a heart attack. My ex made a big deal about how it was nothing and he’d be fine after surgery. He let me go 100 miles away to the hospital to be with my dad alone. Telling me to stop making a big deal out of it. My dad died 2 days later. Just writing it now is causing me anxiety. I was with that man for 16 years. I got divorced that same year my dad died. It was still 3 years until I got my ex out of my life for good. I still have nightmares and anxiety. He completely stole my life and I still have trouble trusting myself and my own feelings.
💜
That s so hard😮😮😮 But you are already in your healing journey, everything will be much better for you a year, two years, five years from now, just be kind with yourself and keep going, you are not alone in this, you will be receiving many little gifts-little miracles that life/god offers to people who have been through a lot❤❤❤
My husband hates when I talk about my father who passed away. So lovely. No one but God to talk to about it.
So sorry for your loss and not having support from the person you loved.
I’m very sorry for your loss, and congratulations on getting a divorce after that. It seems like you would have had to spend the rest of your life feeling like you were just kicked in the stomach.
Most therapists don't understand the depths of narcissistic abuse.. when I explained my experiences to the therapist she turned on me and made me feel like I insane and I imagined everything. I left feeling so terrible I never went back.
I don’t think anyone can actually understand it unless they experienced it themselves. Therapists included.
When I explained to my therapist what my wife has been doing to me for 20 years, she was shocked and asked "what is wrong with you, why you haven't leave her ?!". She obviously didn't know how strong trauma bonding can be...
@@sasamilic9374 Yes I was told it was voluntary abuse because I stayed for 26 years.
What do you get a narc that has everything? A new mirror.
And they’ll keep asking for a bigger one everytime to reflect their ever-growing ego.
A bigger book of compliments.
And an AI version of yourself to read them out when required.
😅😅😅😅😅
Praying for everyone who's ever been through narcissistic abuse of any sorts - may the pain of your soul be healed forever and may you become so much of a bigger and more vibrant person that you're able to see & let of the narcissistic one as the tiny coward being that they are. You're truly much bigger than that. Peace 🍀❤️
Thank you.
Thank you
Thank you for your warm response. ❤
I told my friend who knows him that i thought the relationship was a trauma bond and that he was a narcissist. She replied, "He's 100% a narcissist." She has had my back every step of the way. Aoon after the discard ahe let me come atay with her in NC and let me talk in circles, listened, hugged me, fed me, and just let me cry. We were all originally from the same friend group. She moved away from the group years ago and is the only one from that group I'm still in touch with. She is not close friends with the narc. My real friends stepped up when this all happened. The others associated with him scattered like rats. I'm thankful to know who my true friends are and cut off the rest.
What really hurts is friends of both people in the narcissist relationship tell the narcissist what you have told them in confidence.
They really are not your friend!
Nope, they are flying monkeys. They may know exactly what they are doing or may not know at all. My five siblings and my aunt are flying monkeys for my sixth sibling, an older sister, who is a narcissist who targets me, mostly because she is jealous of my success. I went no contact with all but my aunt. I only told my aunt what I could afford the narcissist to know. My Aunt died the end of December. Sadly, it was a relief because I know she shared a lot of what I told her to the flying monkeys and narcissist.
Dr. Ramani, you taught me about what was happening to me. Thank you so much for the work you do. During a zoom appt w/ my Psych NP, I had to whisper, I'm going to have to put the phone down and act like I'm not on it as I walk pass my father and go down into the basement "to look for something," so I can talk. I told her I was experiencing narc abuse. She looked at me like as though I needed another diagnosis. I had to convince her I wasn't crazy. Thanks to Dr. Ramani (❤), I was able to stand firm, saying, "I know what I'm talking about, and this is NO JOKE." My trauma therapist was skeptical. But when I showed her a video of my father raging at me, she said, "Whoa. Yeah, that's bad. That's abusive." She wrote down Dr. Ramani's name. Over the course of a few appointments, it was clear, she'd been doing her research. I'm grateful for her too.
I'm so glad she took you seriously. And I hope one day sooner than later you can live under some other roof. 😢❤
It's weird to me (not a therapist of any kind, and too poor to see one myself, so grain of salt etc.) that anyone, but especially someone working as a therapist, would default to doubt/disbelief when a client says they're being abused. Why would someone assume they have any knowledge of what's happening to someone else in situations where they (i.e. the therapist) are never present?
@Lucysmom26 I think it must be the extra layers that narcissistic abuse has involved in it that keeps it going. Sometimes you aren't even sure that's what you are experiencing. Not much is straightforward about it. There are a lot of people who don't believe what they never see, and also a lot who will try to talk you out of even wondering about it yourself. And a therapist who doesn't squat about narcissism, sadly, is not at all a rare thing. 😕
Wow...yes, even trained therapists don't get it, you're not alone, I understand how terrible it is with a narcissist parent, in my case a stepmother. I had to write letters instead of talking at home with my father. Hugs... and get out of the situation if you can afford it.
Dr Ramani, you have an incredible soul. Thank you for all your FREE videos have have helped thousands and thousands of people
I am convinced they are stalkers. They seek to know everything about a person they compete with but always have an excuse theyre just friendly or concerned . 🙁
Call it what it is. Don't let them in your life.
If anything, create an emotional distance from them until the law catches up to them.
❤Thanks for channel. You are incredible.
Your question exposes the bane of my existence. I asked several people in the early years about his behavior I was told that I was the problem. It took a therapist to wake me up after 20 years. I’ll be forever grateful for her. I had to abandon the enablers. Though I guess they’d abandoned me long before.
I'm 39 now and just realizing my family consists of narcs and enablers. I am beyond grateful I have a therapist who gets it. I feel heard so I have at least have one I can connect with until I cultivate more healthy relationships. Thanks for sharing.
This one person... was you, Dr. Ramani! Without you, I would not have arrived at this place where I am now. You freed me from cognitive dissonance and I am so much more just the person that I am. - It used to be the norm that I bended my perceptions according to the narrative that I was expected to live by. So it was extremely hard to break out of that 'prescribed story line' and trust my own reality instead - and it took as much as one person to encourage me to do so. Thank you Dr. Ramani, you change the world. One by one by one...
Well, Yay for you! That's awesome and well stated, I'm happy for you. I feel just as grateful for Dr. Ramini's sincere and miraculous efforts as she is diligent and tireless about the monsters in this world. It took my a whole lot of years to even fathom the whole reality that people do things on purpose to disturb and hurt others, especially took even longer to understand that my own family had been doing this and that I had been a scapegoat since early childhood. It hurts like a mother....er! I'm 57 now and several states away to escape the madness but it's worth it to set the record straight in the last third of my life that I claim is mine and only mine to recover and record for the experiences that have both tormented and taught me. I have managed to retain my essential inner beauty. You have as well! So, keep being your own cheerleader, it works! 💪😉❤🎉
@@Jstrong1966 Yes I agree. It's inconceivable and almost impossible to imagine. This is why they get away with all this, because we cannot believe that this reality is real. Bodelaire once said: The greatest trick of the devil is to make people believe that he does not exist.
Not one validating voice when I was going through the insanity which is why I now support as many as much as possible. I share everything on my fb profile and always advise I'm available to talk
The insanity of a narc relationship is so very very real
They go from Prince Charming Mr.prince harming. Watch out! Great video thank you
No. I was surrounded by fake friends, enablers and flying monkeys. It turned out to be a blessing. I'm glad they revealed themselves.
Same with me
Dr Ramani this video is so so powerful and I’m only 5 min in. Going forward I want to be that “one person” for as many women as possible. You are giving hope healing and vision
Let's all help other survivors...no matter the gender! Much love
My journal was my most validating person. I could write down what happened and it helped combat the gaslighting
Dimmer reminded me of my own definition of my narc. Parents, bro, and relationships. I refer to myself as having dumbed down beneath the crazy behaviors of others. Whether to avoid conflict, avoid punishment, or keep the relationship, I would shut up, shut down, submit, and agree. Took me decades to understand and accept my perception and intelligence. Called a lazy hypochondriac my entire childhood, by parents who didn't care enough to believe me or research my pain and fatigue and horrible monthly periods, I was 23 before I heard the term fibromyalgia. And then it was decades before I was diagnosed. My parents shamed and punished me, and that gave shaming dismissive doctors and bosses and friends power over me. It took validating doctors to begin the process of helping me become self aware and self accepting. But that was only the beginning. It took decades, but now I'm able to recognize shaming invalidating comments immediately. They still hurt sometimes but not always!
My younger brother was the person who told me I was being gaslit when I told him about the conversations I was having. I had no idea what gaslighting even meant. I am very thankful for him.
NO! I DID NOT FEEL THAT I HAD ANYONE AS A VALIDATING VOICE!!!! when I was going through the abuse INCLUDING 4 THERAPISTS..... (Dr. Ram and some others on youTube are the only validating voices for me.... Thank you!!!!👍❤❤❤ (thinking back, ther was 1 therapist that told me once that, "she would never change" in a quick little after the session 2 second remark in the hall)...
Thank you... today i feel stronger because of your teachings. I am able not to suck up all the crap heaped on me and walk in a different direction without dragging along suitcases of pain. You are strong and blessed to be able to help us all. Gratitude.
As the permanent scapegoat of a very messed up family I completely agree about validation. I actually think validation from other people (but especially from loved ones and those in our family/social circle) is more important to human functioning and happiness than is generally acknowledged. To this day it feels like drinking a cold glass of water after wandering in a hot desert for hours just to have someone believe me, even on very minor points, and I still can't interact with family members without almost immediately being reminded that my thoughts and feelings are literally worthless to them. Not even worth listening to, let alone taking seriously. It would almost be comic if it wasn't real.
Minimizing your medical/health needs while expecting you to cater to the narcky person’s health issues are REAL.
Comparing their health issues to someone else’s are REAL.
It can be subtle, but ALL conversations revert back to THEIR experiences, not the other person’s experiences.
PS
This minimizing tactic/behavior, IMHO, includes care taking of a dying elderly family member. These narky people think they know what you are going through without asking or talking to you about it. They just tell you because these narky people had a friend in hospice care, whom they visited once or twice a week, which made them think they are experts.
I second this.
Thank You!🌻
My father swore at me today because I'm trying to get away from a narcissist, and he said I thought you had f----g finished with him last year.
Sooooo hard work.
We leave when we're ready or able. It's not black/white.
@@Rose19695yes but people get tired of being there for you when you don't leave.
YOU were that one peraon in my world Dr. Ramani. Thank you so much. And I WILL be that one for someone else.
Dr Ramani, I love you and have never met you. You videos are saving me. It is a life line out of chaos.
Dr Ramani - I find the comment you made about domestic abusers always being narcissistic. I believe this. What scares me is how many survivors (including myself) aren’t getting the full help they need. I have had therapists who have no knowledge of what this type of personality is really like, therefore, can’t fully offer the proper guidance to these victims😓
Agree 100%
Consigned !!
There was exactly ONE therapist that ever lightly pressed my ex on anything.
When I was going through narcissistic abuse, my therapist was also a narcissist.
How frustrating ❤️
YEP ! I believe this is common. My Narc Ex is a therapist I believe to FEED off his clients. He also used his psychology training to abuse ME
As a kid growing up and dealing with insecurities who also has a narcissistic parent makes for a horrible childhood. No matter what we did or how well we did. It was never good enough. But the rage is something I can feel even now. If you saw my father’s eye teeth you knew exactly what was about to happen.
My father constantly told me to get over the death of my mother who died from cancer I was 10 years old. He also told me my severe peanut allergy was “in my head”. I don’t know if he had a narcissistic personality disorder but he was definitely a jerk and incompetent adult.
I had one friend who got it. I’m so grateful for him. And I love that he never pushed me to leave. During the divorce, when my ex reached new heights of aggression and antagonism, many people would tell me I had to be upset for one day and then move on. Not my one friend who got it. He would mirror what I was thinking and feeling. Empathy came naturally to him. What a gift!
Glad to see you had a supportive friend!
Yep! I was suffering for years and ended up needing a liver and then a kidney transplant for a genetic disease. However, much was made of my narcissistic ex's wife, who had her gallbladder removed at the same time. Both of these adults were PhD. level health care professionals also. IT MADE NO DIFFERENCE.
From these monsters I have suffered being persecuted with lies, financial abuse, cruelty, degradation, shaming, mocked, and neglected by my daughter, through my daughter, before and since then.
For which I blamed her behavior on her father and stepmothers control and subjugation of her, thinking "parental alienation."
Seventeen years have passed, and nothing has changed with her. I am just now accepting that she is narcissistic herself. Very, very painful to face.
She was grandiose from a young age and lacked empathy for others.
It feels like in trying to stay present, strong, stable, and loving, to be a good parent, I literally was made the filter for all the hate and malice being poured into our family system from the narcissistic abusers. And tossed aside.
So grateful to Dr. Ramani for the sanity, courage, and intelligent care you speak to this evil. May we overcome
I called that I’m gonna git a bunch o’ money 💵 It was a motivational pep talk to direct my future actions and feelings. Scary land mine period.
The best validation and support came from domestic abuse shelters and advocacy programs during my second divorce from a narc. I didn't leave sooner because I was in college and had a one-year-old daughter to care for. Once I got back to work, I was out of there. I needed support in grade school! No one ever asks, "What is causing depression in your life?" They just pass you a pill and send you back to your abuser. Who would believe me if I said, "My mother is trying to destroy me?"
Emotional disregulation isn't only a trait of narcissists. There are a lot of people who can run into issues with that, but the big difference is whether they can work on it or not. (I've put a lot of work into regulating my emotions, and it took time to find anything that actually worked for me as an autistic person. It can be hard to hear people talking about what a red flag it is to have strong emotional responses because of that. Some of us are trying.)
We met at 15 and all my high school girlfriends knew him thru love bombing and prom. I cried a lot too but so did everybody , it was high school. After high school I had no friends, I thought u drift apart but , no, he isolated me. I finally got divorced after a 30 year marriage, 40 year relationship. And at my 40th hs reunion there were my friends and one said oh how is he? He always put u on a pedestal! It was hard to tell her and she kept saying no it's not possible. She was the hs enabler. Thought I had the dream.
Your teachings are a blessing, thank you so much ❤
I am 20 and have been financially, emotionally, mentally, and physically abused by my narcissistic step mother for the last seven years. She has controlled my entire life and perception of reality. Just a couple days ago I left home, closed my bank account (that her name was on) and cancelled my debit card (that she held onto)
Your video have been so helpful in understanding exactly what I went through and why. I can’t thank you enough ❤
Good for you. You are or were in the same situation as my grand daughter and i haven't seen her for 2 years. The narc.is bloking me. Lots of courage to you.🦋🕊🌞
And good luck...
I wish you the best. I hope you are able to cut ties and never waste another day on your narcs.
Thankfully, the one person who validated me was my meditation instructor. She is the one who helped me discover narcissism, certainly not the many therapists I had seen in my life. I got divorced the same year I discovered about narcissism.
No. But, I finally found a wonderful therapist who was a life saver!
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for all you do to educate people about this toxic trait! You brought my sanity back 2 years ago when I was having suicidal and self-harming thoughts. Because of what I learned from you, I finally understood what was happening in my marriage, understood finally that none of it was my fault, and knew that things were never going to change. I got my mind back. My reality back. My life back. I'm now officially divorced and living my best life with my kids in our own home. I can't thank you enough. I tell everyone to watch your videos when they tell me about the narcissistic behaviors that are affecting them and their mental health!! ❤❤❤ keep it up!! We need you!!
I worked in Attica Prison for 15 years. I escaped. Honestly and after all of the things they did to me I was turned down for SSI...for any care at all. The world is a narcissist and we are living in. Everything you have taught me about the abuse of a narcissist is exactly what the world does collectively.
“It only takes one.” - My 7 years married to a malignant narcissist became known by a friend I’d known for 17 years. He saw, he understood. He gave me the courage to get out. We have been together for 7 years and he is amazing.
I have a new therapist ,she knows nothing about narc.so it is my responsibility to educate myself with doc Ramani.
I dont say narc to my therapist I tell her about behaviors,she truly understand
He admitted a few times that if I did what he was doing he wouldn't stand for it. For instance, one day he was flirting outrageously with this woman and talking to me at the same time. And telling me to lighten up about it. I said to him "how would you like it if I was flirting with some guy while talking to you" and he said, "I wouldn't think twice, I would turn around and leave you and never come back."
#TrueFacts.. as well as the challenge throw down in him saying it ! I love those truth bombs thrown down when they dispassionately confirm your feelings while denying your right to having them
@@EllaCinder-lh4ro Truth! 😆
Playing by a different set of rules,they do it and then accuse you of doing the bad behavior,its off the charts maddening.
The trauma bonding can be overwhelming, but you need to free yourself. It's time to go.
@@donnacross8468 I did. Now if I can just stop ruminating that would be awesome 😣
Great vid as always. I feel validation would reduce the initial trauma of toxic interactions.
On non-empathy, I left a job because when a lifelong friend of mine ended his life and left behind his wife and babies, my boss got upset with my performance. When I told him what happened he was dumbfounded like "why would that even bother you?"
Another coworker knows this boss and was appalled, mentioning boss is known to be an a-hole. Felt like a relief and took lots of pressure off.
It took the pandemic and finding you on CZcams … you were my one person to make sense of it all. Thanks Dr Ramini.
I was alienated from my kids and have lingering effects from it. I was told by the narcissist that I alienated myself. I still see where I'm treated as the lesser person and I've been speaking up A LOT. I am tired of being a doormat and I am not sitting by and allowing it to happen again now that I have grandkids. I feel like I'm the first to be left out 😢 but I'm the one who takes all the responsibility and provides financial support. The narcissists get to do all the fun things and seem to sit back and smile their smirky smiles at me while I'm looking in from the outside.
This is so true. My ex has ALS. Our daughter just flew in for the weekend. My father is dying from cancer.
He had beat his girlfriend up in front of our daughter and she had to go through trauma and court, not to EVEN mention what was done to me.
He and his mother can still actively silence me, and minimize me.
He doesn't even have a close relationship with his daughter, but does our grandchildren!
I get it. I am sorry for your troubles. My son was tortured by Hamas in the Gaza Strip. He is an Israeli soldier and went missing for 108 days. My narcs kids were safe. This narc said that my problems weren't so bad because he was in Vietnam. He also, stole my narrative and talked about my situation as if he was an expert.
@shainanash8518 sorry that happened to him
@@shainanash8518 I hope your son is alright. War is a tragedy.
I'm sorry that you have the added stress of the narcissist dynamic.
God there’s no words to tell you Dr.Ramini for the help just from your video alone. I reached a tremendous moment of clarity and your counseling help me dig deep and figure it out! This is not a reality television. I’ve been studying Mr. Nelly Fullers work and it’s very suiting. Thank you Dr. you’re the best ! 🙏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾✊🏾🔥✌🏾❤️😂
Thank you Dr. Ramani. Narcissists and enablers actually want you to go get help with professionals. They have told me so in the past. Like you said, it just takes one or two people to help. It can be anyone, who really gets it or who has been through something similar. The healing process is a journey.
So glad that Dr. Ramani really gets it. This is such a true video.
The rage 😤 is very frightening. I was shocked when I watched the Super Bowl. And watched Travis Kelce rage at his coach using not just his voice but pushing him. Nearly knocking him down. I do understand sports and the flare up of excitement up or down. However, that display was very telling, to me, of his rage capabilities. But there will be those that dismiss this bad behavior to an elderly person of authority. It’s sad.
A most ennoying pattern of daily minimization is the the use of the word "perhaps" to every piece of information you donate. Every opinion or remark is taken w a doubting question mark by the Nar.
I've been involved with organising things around my apartment complex and one of the other owners has been a thorn in my side from the beginning: targetted me with love bombing, gut feeling i was being lied to that proved right, undercuts all my ideas - then pinches them and pretends everything good is coming from her, severely lectures me in private and is fake nice. The others follow her lead in diminishing and criticising me - despite my knowledge and ideas being more spot on than anyone's.
It's super gaslighty and manipulative - I'm sure watching all the CZcams videos on narcissists etc has helped me see through it.
I am managing it far better, with less confusion, hurt and time wasted than in the past, but it's still unpleasant.
So long as I live here or own here, i have to manage it and maintain 'good" relations with this giant manipulator and put up with being disrespected and dismissed by the others.
So validating. "They got the flu and it was a health emergency". Yes, this was always the case. I got encephalitis, was hospitalized for 3 weeks and was supposed to 'bounce back' and start serving them once I got home although I was still recovering. I finally saw the light and went no contact but it's been so shocking and emotionally painful as these were close family members. I have one validating person who saw the abuse before it even happened and they have been a godsend to me during this period. Also, many thanks to you, Dr. Ramani.
Thank God for my family and close friends because they were the ones that started talking to me about the minimalization of me from this individual
No. Two shrinks and none saw the patterns. The echo was,"It takes two to tango". Nice. You were my saviour.
I am going to push back on that it only takes on person just a little. Only because of a trap between two narcissists that don't like each other can make you feel like the other is that one person at times. Neither like your attention taken away from them so they can play games like they are supportive with your issues with the other. And the flying monkeys either support one or the other. It's very confusing. This was the situation between my mom and each of my exes. I went from advice that my mom just really cares about my well being to I shouldn't let my mother have so much influence over me. I would often be hesitant to get out of a bad marriage because that was just what she wanted, so she could get me under her thumb again.
Brilliant...you're helping save my mind. im a week in thanks doctor
My adoptive mother once compared her diabetes and being sick to a friend of hers that died recently of general cancer! The lady was dead and she made it all about her!!! All I said was, this lady suffered so much during her batter with cancer and she was saying 'I am far sicker than she was'. At the time I had no idea what a vulnerable narc was, it stuck with me as I couldn't believe who in their right mind would say something like this and be insulted, I had compassion for the dead lady. My mom was treated with white glove by everyone, my dad and me who changed her life and left university to be at her dying side... took 20 yrs for her to die at 99 yrs old!!! I then found out I was privately (bought) adopted and they were in their 50's when I was born. All lies telling me I was legit when I was asking and lying about their age too.
Nope, never had a supporting, validating person in my life...
The only one ever stood up for me, was a girl named Liesbeth, who once told the bullies in high school to stop. That's it. I'm still intensively grateful for her, for that one action. After being on this planet for half a century.....😢
And fortunately now there's you🤩💋🦄
💫🕊🐛💝🙏🏼💝🦋🕊💫
Dr R (staff since I know she relies on Ya’ll to filter these) is seriously saving my sanity. I am so THANKFUL for her vulnerability and truth! Please tell her she is making such a difference to so many “clients!” Moreover she is changing the mental health field n how personality issues and dynamics are understood. Thank you is not enough. and yet-THANK YOU DR RAMANI🤗‼️
I understand everything much better after hearing your messages. Thank you so much Dr Ramani.
My best friend growing up (who is a special education teacher) tells me that I’m “eat up” with this narcissist stuff. She minimizes my pain. She grew up with a wonderful, self-sacrificing, supportive mother who still helps her today (we’re 64); and my narc stepmom basically abandoned me because I do nothing for her. She doesn’t like my stepmom, but she thinks I am the one who’s too sensitive.
Chances are, your "best friend" is also a Covert Narcissist. When you don't live in the same room with them every day, it's really easy to for them to hide it for years. A person who genuinely cares about you will NEVER say you're too sensitive.
Yea that's a huge red flag. A true friend doesn't belittle someone for the struggles they go through.
Thank you for validating our experiences and how they traumatized us. Yes, even one validation would have helped. Not only were my narratives invalidated, friends even tried to validate the narcissist "he had a difficult childhood, have some compassion", "let it go, why are you ruminating about old fights?" "You cannot heal because you don't forgive, and that makes you bitter"....no, i cant heal because the damage is devastating to my health, career and finances. I Lost years of my life, years which could have been spent with a normal person. And he is still trying to harm me. It is best NOT to talk to anyone, even friends and family, unless you are absolutely sure that they are "safe", have enough empathy and wisdom.
100% true.
My one person was my mom ❤ hearing Dr. Ramani reminds me of how I used to tell my mom that I felt like an old pick up truck. Useful; I would get my husband where he wanted to go and do a lot of work, but didn’t have much bluebook value.
My husband’s dream was … a PhD in clinical psychology 😂🤦♀️. He said that behind every great man was a supportive wife. We both couldn’t have actual careers, but I could work jobs that I could take the kids to (since his time was too valuable to do menial things like housework or childcare.)
Fast-forward: We are divorced. got my teaching License and taught for 17 years. He finally lost his Psychologist license (but not before doing a lot of damage to clients 😢)
On my goodness! That's absolutely spot on. I'm blessed lucky and beyond grateful to have ( after 4 decades) the best therapist ever and her believing me has been soooo important to me. Still breaks my heart to remember the complete helplessness in my childhood and begging for help, teachers doctors mental health professionals and anyone who cared, just to be ignored, my problems minimised ( I'm sure I minimised them as well talking about it) even calling my narcissistic mother and telling her, only to be severely punished at home .it's fenomenal to have it all behind me. Hang in there beautiful people, find your freedom, it will get better. Dr Ramani thank you so much. Watching your videos also makes me feel believed and not crazy. What a gift you are giving us.
And yes, the rage and disregulation was something else! Really scary.
Yes… A friend of mine that was taking psychology courses… She showed me the pattern in my life and showed me that I was going absolutely nowhere with my narcissistic husband… She died recently, and my husband still hates her… He thinks she is the cause or our separation
When my young fiance was murdered, I tried talking to my dad. My dad's response was to point out how much he ( my dad) has suffered. Other than a divorce, my dad had never lost a significant other. Wow. That a person could make the murder of someone they have never met all about themselves 😢
When my brother was in the hospital gravely sick his spouse called my mom to tell her. My Narc mom talked about a piano bough for Christmas in the 80’s and how my brother was not grateful enough.
Narcs suck
I was married to a narcissists for 20 yrs and my mom was a narcissistsas well. I ended up in therapy and the therapist told me to write journals. Every one of m.y journals were only about how bad of a person I was and that I shouldn't exist. It was a nightmare. I finally broke free 12 years ago. I'm still healing.
You are that “one” for so
Many of us! And we are forever grateful to your extensive detailed more then any other source or expert I have read or viewed content of . You are truly the leading narc abuse truther. I can only speak for myself but the validation you offer is truly redeeming and a major step towards recovery and getting out of the fog or haze for those of us who can. And you don’t demonize those who for many reasons cannot your compassion and kindness transcends the hurt and offers a new outlook and understanding to what happened to us. Thank you for being that “one” for so many of us!
Absolutely no one to talk with. My best friend of over 30 years thought I was over reacting. I was devastated.
Hi Dr. Ramani to answer your question: I did not have a personal validating voice to acknowledge what I was going through but watching your videos validated it for me. Thank you! ❤
Without discussing my situation my cousin said she thought one sibling was a trouble-maker. That was enough to validate the cruelty I went through, even without telling my cousin my story. Before mother died, she said, "they were wrong"- and she knew her family better than anyone.
Thank you so much for going indepth into minimization!! My perspectives, my experiences, my ups & downs were all minimized for 26 years. I couldn't become excited, I couldn't be sad. I definitely couldn't grieve! I know how it feels to have a severe respiratory infection and be asked every day after the 2nd day, "So how long are you going to lay around?" - As if!! Later in our marriage, I developed a thyroid tumor, which I understand are not uncommon, especially in women (I have a theory about why...). My narc ex didn't believe me! Even after Dr. appointments and tests! Before I could get surgery, it grew to the size of a tangerine and I could put my finger under it and it would protrude in a horror-movie kind of way. He accused me of making it up "for attention"!! He said I was jealous of his shoulder surgery, so now I "have" to have a surgery too - !!!! Whaaaat?! So infuriating!! As if my insurance would pay for an unnecessary surgery! & my doctor just likes to cut people open! Ugh!! This narcissist tricked me into marrying him, changed all the rules after the wedding, and I was thrown into such confusion, self-blame and grief, I went on antidepressants. He just got happier, and needier. He bragged about the past - He had been the best boss at all his (simultaneous) workplaces, had worked 3 jobs at once and ran a business, didn't sleep (no time), took on extra duties, etc. No one appreciated him, and now he's "sick." He has rheumatoid arthritis and diabetes. Neither condition is fun, and I sympathize with anyone suffering from & dealing with these difficult health conditions. His are manageable, but he would never agree with that. When I finally left, he guilted me constantly - "How could you leave a sick old man that you vowed to love until death! You waited until I'm old and dieing then left me." It took me so long to realize what was really going on, and that it wasn't me! Bless you, Dr Ramani!! Thank you for the validation I have desperately needed to hear, and the empathy and understanding you express in every video! Thank you for your incredible work, vigorous support of what we've gone (or are going) through, your thorough explanations of why we feel so small, insignificant, mentally loopy, and worthless, while the narc abuser is in the other room humming a tune. Thank you for putting into such eloquent words the conundrum that is a narcissistic relationship!
Anytime I expressed a need growing up, I was blamed and shamed🙁 I learned not to say when I’m feeling ill. I haven’t seen a dentist or doctor since age 15, nearly 30 years ago, when Strep almost took me out. Doctor looked at my mom and asked her how I walked into the clinic on my own two feet😳 The real mystery…how she is, to this day, so genuinely generally unaware. Radioactive toxicity!
I had no validating person at all. They all thought I was bonkers
Well I believe you.
The world is starting to wake up to this abuse.
The book is so precise and it’s like Dr. Ramani is documenting my experiences. WOW.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. You saved me.❤
Oh my gosh, this has resonated with me about the minimisation.
When I had a benign brain tumour successfully removed and had to give up my drivers license for six months, my narcissistic sister in law likened it to when she couldn’t drive after a routine foot op. We no longer speak after she caused a row with my parents the week before my brain surgery I guess because I was “winning” in the getting attention dept.
Then after the op, my ex definitely minimised it. I actually used to say his family made me feel like I had had an ingrown toenail removed rather than a brain tumour! Anyway, thankfully I successfully removed two benign lumps from life. 😉 He is now living with the woman he was having an affair with while my parents looked after me and the kids while I recovered from surgery.
Keep up the good work Dr R, you helped give me strength during some very dark times. Sometimes small acts of kindness can make a huge difference to someone who is really struggling. x
I lived with an abusive narcissistic for 29 years. I wish I had known you then. Your podcasts are invaluable.
My first therapist validated my experiences and it really was enough for me to release it. Like a weight of my shoulders just to have someone listen and react in a healthy/normal way. Empowering.
I have been minimized so many times. As I thought about this, I have seen why I struggle with self doubt. The minimization left me doubting what I said to the point I didn't even know how to express my experience anymore. I couldn't put it in words that I felt confident I would be validated that described what I experienced and then be validated or believed. I eventually just stopped and tried to validate myself. That looks great, but when your childhood lacked healthy mirroring, I can see the patterns of my struggle. My self doubt most likely has its roots here, and it has been hard to even reach out. If I have reached out, I lacked the trust in my words for fear I will be not heard or minimized once again. It feels like I will not be believed, and there is much anxiety. In a way, my self doubt sabotages an interaction especially if a person is simply listening. I don't think validation is a chronic need for me as I don't feel I am go looking for it. I was in therapy and I am not sure the therapist actually validated me. Validation is more than listening to someone. Validation carries with it a sense of authenticity of belief.
Thank You for making this outstanding video. This is critical information. This kind of information should be reviewed multiple times until it gets past the psychological barriers that support ignorance, particularly for those who are in denial about the subject of narcissism, who love to constantly minimize and give the benefit of the doubt to the wolves in sheep's clothing.
Dr. Ramani, thank you. You have been the validating voice of wisdom on the topic of narcissism. You have enlightened me and taught me as to the nuances of narcissism as I had no idea it is pervasive in our society. That the condition of it at its base core is the necessary vortex of supply.
I've tried helping another person experiencing abuse from my abuser. I can't get them to take off their empath hat and understand that the abuser won't change. It is literally the only way my abuser knows to function in the world. He is extremely articulate and persuasive, and it's absolutely maddening.
Hope you are in a better place soon. Minimising is part of my hell. I have no one to confide in, my brother who I was starting to tell has recently died. I’am getting talking therapy when they get in touch. Prayers
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you
Thank you so much, once again, Dr. Ramani! Your insights resonate 110%as usual! The minimization also shows up in these days of early onset dementia and memory loss, in family members or the narcissist themselves. Thank you for helping us recognize the many forms of constant gaslighting and minimization of every aspect of ourselves. Getting stronger and healthier every day because of these ever valuable truths that “it’s not me”! A work in progress, yes, Hope continues to spring Eternal, thanks to you and other angels in disguise! ❤
I have seen about ten therapists. Not one ever acknowledged that something had happened to me. The emphasis was on fixing me. I needed to change my thinking. I am sure I needed fixing, but I also needed to know how I got to be damaged in the first place. It was CZcams that made me think it could have been the way i was raised that broke me. It had never crossed my mind before that that a toxic upbringing was where it started. After that I was able to start working on fixing me. I am not able to imagine another person like a therapist or relative validating me. I am not completely sure my assessment is right. It isn't easy to validate yourself.