How To Stop Seeking Validation In Relationships or from Your Ex
Vložit
- čas přidán 27. 03. 2019
- In this video Clay Andrews discusses how to stop seeking validation in relationships and how to stop seeking validation from exes. If you like these videos, you'd probably love our book. You can find that over at: modernlove.life/book
=================
Follow me:
Facebook: / modernlovelife
iTunes Podcast: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/c...
Soundcloud: / clayandrews-1
Twitter: / claymodernlove
Instagram: / claymodernlove
=================
In this video, we'll be covering the fourth stage of getting over your breakup, which is called the Validation Trap.
This is sad, but so many people actually end their journey here, when it comes to healing or emotional availability.
What is the stage. At this stage, you THINK you are recovered from your breakup, but in reality, you are still living in a world where you are seeking validation from others.
Maybe you are trying to gain approval from women, so you learn how to attract and seduce them.
Maybe you are trying to gain approval from men, so you look to them for validation.
Maybe you are trying to get approval from your parents who keep pressuring you to find a partner or get married or settle down.
Maybe you're trying to gain approval from your friends, and you imagine all the recognition you'll get from them when they see how attractive or great the person you are dating really is.
Maybe you're even trying to get validation from your ex by imagining how jealous they might feel if they saw how great your new relationship is.
But what is missing in this equation?
What's missing is the actual connection with the person that you are with in the moment.
If your relationship or dating experience becomes about something other than the person that you are with, then it starts becoming about validation from some other third party.
And when that happens, you aren't truly 100% emotionally present in the relationship with that person. You're actually more entangled in the relationship that you're having with the third party.
You're having the relationship or going out on the date because you think it's going to make your relationship with your parents or your friends or your ex or your own ego stronger and better.
And that obviously isn't loving to the other person you're dating.
So you really want to learn how to have a relationship with someone in the present moment and to stop seeking validation from ex boyfriends or girlfriends, your parents, your friends, from society, from people you know online.
And just learn how to be in a relationship with a person that you're with. Be present with them. Make your relationship with them about the connection that the two of you share It's not about anything else. And if you can do that, you'll be over your ex and you'll reach the 5th stage, which we'll discuss in tomorrow's video. - Jak na to + styl
Thanks for watching this video. If you like what we're doing, you'd probably also love our book Be Loved for Who You Are over at: modernlove.life/book
Thank you!
You're welcome. Lucy. :-)
Clay you talk about being the real you; but what is the real you? If I am not built on the approval of others, or if I shouldn’t live by the approval of others, who am I? How would I behave or talk with others?
Thank you
You're welcome, Artjom :-)
14 minutes in and no solution yet 🤦🏾♀️
Hey Clay is it possible to talk 1on1 in regards to my breakup situation?
Hi Santiago, As of the moment we don't offer one on one services, but you can send our team an email at hello@modernlove.life and we will pick things up from there. :-)
I hadn't seen my ex in two months and then we spent two nights and one day together, we had an amazing time and then I asked him a question he didn't like and he took that two minutes of negativity and turned the whole experience into a "mistake" and how he shouldn't have hooked up with me. He got drunk one of those nights and told me he loved me still but denied saying that the next day. He also claimed he had many lady "friends". After this experience he we quit talking to me again. Total no contact from him again when we just started making progress. What do you think happened here, why did he back off again? (We were together for two years and there are kids involved, we don't have any together but we all lived together).
I don't know exactly what that moment of negativity was, but that could be insightful to know more information about that. Whatever it was it seems to have hit him in a sore spot and triggers some area that he is sensitive about. My question for you is, do you want to be with a man who will say one thing, then deny it the next day? Do you want to be with a man who will say that he has had many lady friends just to hurt your feelings? The choice is yours, but from how you describe his actions, he doesn't seem very mature to me.
@@ClayAndrews the negative moment was when I asked him if he was on a dating site. He said he was and it was spammed with bots so he quit using it. I then said I knew he was going to seek out a rebound. That upset him. He only said he had "friends" after I had told him I was hanging out with an old friend of mine who is male. But you're right, I know he's mostly no good but I cling on to the good times which outweigh the bad times. Thanks for your response. I love your videos.
So after I left I text him and told him "I had fun the last couple of days." and he said "yeah it was fun until it wasn't." then he wished me the best and said he hoped I could found someone who made me very happy.
My ex has a twitter account that's opened for everyone to see, however i don't think she actually knows that i can see what she's posting. I think when she posts stuff on twitter it's only too her friends to see it. She posts about multiple celebrity guys that she has crushes and also about how her life is great after the break up and she has been moving on. What does that mean? Is she saying the truth or is she obviously hiding her true feelings thats really going on?
Could mean many different things. Maybe it’s how she really feels. Maybe she’s trying to present a “perfect” life to social media. Maybe she actually knows you read her social media. The point is, is it worth overthinking this?
Friend, you have to stop looking. You'll drive yourself nuts trying to interpret disparate bits of data. If she doesn't know her twitter is public, she can't be that bright so you're better off anyway. Whether she's talking to you indirectly, or just to her friends, it's not going to do you any good to read it. What kind of person puts personal insults on their social media anyway. Sounds immature.
What matters is how you feel about the break up. Start by saying no to her and, this is just a suggestion, getting to know yourself so you’re able to live without someone else. That’s how I see break ups!
My ex contacted me after 10 plus years .he is a single father to 3 children .says he needs a female figure in their lives . Meanwhile I have a completely new life going . Me and my Michael have been going 9 years . I'm not sure what I want . Why am thinking about it ???? Why would he want me ??
Help me out
You're thinking of leaving your 9 year relationship in order to be with your ex from 10 years ago? If that's the case, you must not be very happy in your current relationship, which would mean that you may have some thinking to do about whether that relationship is really what you want. In terms of why your ex is contacting you... I can't say for certain, but I would guess that something happened and he started thinking about you and missing you. Maybe it took him a while to work up the courage to contact you, but he did it anyway. I'm guessing that after that much time, he is probably more curious about you than definitively interested in getting back together -- at least until he can feel what it's like to interact with you again.
Great channel but i am gay and there is nothing normal or abnormal about being straight I would say is more common but you should really be gender neutral because A LOT of LFBTQ people follow your advise…or make the disclaimer that its mainly for Heteros… nonetheless i follow your videos and hoping to get my ex back or at least in contact with.. I am definitely in the validation stage where I want to be seen by him and all that so that he sees how “ well I am doing “ and the reality is he DOES NOT GIVE TWO F……s
Hi Lester, Thanks for sharing your insights and we truly appreciate that. What we teach are life skills, thus it is gender neutral. what we offer are holistic approach and just like other self-help channels, take the lessons that resonates with you and put them into practice. Because our goal is for everyone to achieve a lasting relationship that they deserve regardless of gender, religion or age. :-) Much love and light.
@@ClayAndrews thank you! I dont doubt it! Thank you