The answer isn't Online Masculinity
Vložit
- čas přidán 29. 06. 2024
- Young men aren't okay... so why aren't more people talking about it?
Join my Members club for more (regular) videos:
/ @struthless
Created by Campbell Walker
Main research credits: Christine Emba, Derek Thompson, Scott Galloway, Richard Reeves, Chris Williamson
Depravityland Podcast:
open.spotify.com/show/6yUlzq9...
Studio:
/ struthlessstudios
Get the book, Your Head is a Houseboat:
smarturl.it/YourHeadIsAHouseboat
Shop (apparel and prints, not the book):
www.struthless.com
My insta/tiktok:
/ struthless69
www.tiktok.com/@struthless69?...
Discord: / discord
Thanks for watching :) - Zábava
Off topic, but the fact that you actually wrote and pasted into a physical notebook instead of making a digital graphic makes me so happy.
I loved that too. I'd bet it made the whole essay a very physical process 💚
it looks beautiful and is also suprr effective NICE
I love it too! My brain works so much better when visuals are involved.
When I learned graphic design we had computers for the majority of our work but we had to first layout everything on paper before we were allowed to start the digital process. Our hand done rough drafts had to be approved before starting work.
Me too ,)
For loneliness, something as simple as a regular walk around a neighborhood, saying hello to people (with low expectations) can build the habits you need to develop friendships later.
Agreed! Just get outside...if its too much just put on shoes and a shirt. Dont worry about a shower and just walk your block 2 or 3 times. Better to sit outside and stare at a cloud than in your room at a screen
I'm a big fan on the running clubs that are happening locally. I think we need more of that but in a smaller scale and more local.
Honestly, the saying hello with reasonable expectations is such a great place to start. Literally just saying hello with a smile to someone youre passing by (and not getting upset if they dont respond) makes me feel better. Not because it gets my social needs filled or anything, but because it gives me a little bit of momentum. It's hard to realize youre lonely and decide to go and make meaningful connections with people. It's such an intense first step. Just say hi to people as your first step, and the energy and momentum it gives you if you do it often will carry you up to making those real connections
So true. When I felt I had nothing left to lose, lucky for me I found the guts to just talk to random people that looked like they needed to talk, when everyone else on the street was pretending they weren't there, what was the worst that could happen? Just being able to share that it was tough, or being able to show someone some kindness instead of venting at the world for being so fucked, did a lot for my soul, and I hope a little something for theirs. I think that helped me in many ways
and if u feel sad, lonely, anything negative, dont consume movies/music with the same vibe.. just watched some random moto vlogger openly interacting with strangers,complementing, being curious like a kid, totally changed my view
hey sdoggydog, I just want to mention that I almost lost the war with suicide at the end of last year but specifically YOUR videos and your beautiful beautiful face helped me barely win against it. Thank you for being the reason I'm still ballin'
im glad u are here with us buddy ! stay strong!
@@ecupcakes2735 strongest I've ever been. No mental health will conquer me 😤
hell yeah, proud of you. struthless helped me through a rough time as well. glad you’re still with us ❤️
That's mega 💪🏻
You rock, dude 🌟
I’m 22 and this has totally changed my perspective. It’s so easy to resort to tribalism on social media, especially against a straw man. And I just hope more people understand the message of this video because I think the education system would never address these issues as directly as this video does. ❤❤❤
this right here makes the whole video worth it, imo. good luck to all of you.
“Men are told they’re trash, so they don’t have motivation to try. And then rapists come and tell them they matter…” I’ve been saying that for years. If we don’t give them guidance, why are we surprised they listen to awful people, because it’s the one place they can go without being labeled toxic?
It's more like they tell men that we tell them they're trash, when really we're just asking for personal growth, but blaming others is easier than working on yourself. If you actually listen to feminists, none of them ever say men are trash. That's just the narrative of what feminists say, not actually what we say.
You understand they are the oppressors? Please explain to me why it's our job to coddle them about the oppressive system they built to enslave us. Yours is a dangerous belief.
It's more like they tell men that we tell them they're trash, when really we're just asking for personal growth, but blaming others is easier than working on yourself. If you actually listen to us, we don't ever say mn are trash. That's just the narrative of what feminists say, not actually what we say.
It's more like they tell men that we tell them they're trash, when really we're just asking for personal growth, but blaming others is easier than working on yourself.
If you actually listen to feminists, none of them ever say men are trash. That's just the narrative of what we say, not actually what we say.
I'm a woman in my '60s and I work with children in the foster care system. I'm sharing this with every young man I know. Thank you so much!
Honestly this is fantastic advice all around. It's simple and actionable. I've shared it with my female fiance, because they struggle with goals, motivation, and friendships as well.
@@sunphoenix1231 There's barely any advice, it's mostly just talking about why people feel like that
@@sayuas4293 i liked the advice to turn negative traits into things that work for you, may not seem like a big deal, but it is to me
I'm a 43-year-old woman, and about 8 years ago, I was dating a guy who told me that I should just say whatever was on my mind and not care what people thought about me. To him, women not speaking their mind is because they were too afraid to do it. What he didn't understand was that there is a very real social cost for women to speak up, that men might not see, because the cost is not the same to them. I say this because I believe that the reverse is also true. I think that as women we need to look outside ourselves a little bit more and understand the cost to men for doing things that we recommend, like "be more sensitive" or "be vulnerable" or "stop trying to look tough." We don't have the same cost if we do these things as men do when they do these things. We have to be sensitive to the cost and work together on solutions that take reality into account, not just telling people to do the ideal thing and ignore the actual repercussions that they will encounter in life. I hope this makes sense. This is a great video.
This is something that I think has cut a lot of men very deeply. Turns out, the "be more sensitive and vulnerable" advice was a COMPLETE lie and it' is almost universally a disastrous move.
The last TWO times I was honest with a woman about how she'd hurt me, the both didn't speak to me for a month.
that totally makes sense, thanks for sharing!
Wow, this makes so much sense. thank you for this. Where do you think these social costs come from? From my understanding, people doing the ideal thing leads to a lack of or loss of respect. I’ve personally felt this when I’ve been vulnerable with women in the past. Is it part of the social programming that we’ve all been subjected to?
@@twelvecatsinatrenchcoat It sounds like you saw their true colours? You deserve a woman who can be held accountable and who cares about your feelings. Not all women are assholes, the good ones actually care if they have upset someone they love...
@@idlekaty1508 Everyone says that, but one of these women is like my second favorite person on earth. She's amazing. But she, like most women, is not interested in hearing about men's feelings. Women like how it feels to SAY that. They DONT like how it feels to actually do it.
my concept of masculinity really changed when Everything Everywhere All At Once came out and the character of Waymond resonated with me SO MUCH
Waymond is the type of man I strive to be, been taking care of my wife for 15 years(we take care of each other tbh) we have a daughter and I would do anything for them. Waymond in EEAAO is just such a strong presence, he's not bulky or intimidating, he's just a strong willed father and husband who just wants his family to be happy.
Loneliness. My wife and kids went to visit their grandparents for the summer and left me all alone. I have taken it upon myself to organize things to do (that I think are fun): visit a paint factory, record music on 4-track tape player, etc. Then I invite random people I distantly know to join in. I'd say about 75% of the people invited say no ... but yesterday I had 4 semi-random people come with me to a paint factory. And we all had a good time!
why didn’t you go with your family
❤️❤️❤️❤️
sounds like a lot of fun. And sometimes you're all out of ideas, so it's great if someone would invite me to things. I'd just go!
@@eebbaa5560 " My wife and kids went to visit their grandparents for the summer and left me all alone."
Fire.
Commenting because I think THIS should go viral (do you hear me you ridiculous, madness-mongering algorithm?!).... Thank you always for your nuanced, humorous, heartfelt, clear and comic-enhanced conversations. Brave and powerful stuff.
Not enough arguments for the algorthm to take sadly
Yesss I agree
Yes
Agreed!
Couldn't have said it better.
Hate=Views=Reach=Influence
Making myself go out to do the grocery shopping in person, and then making a point of smiling and asking people how their day was going made a big difference for me. It was a start.
Same! And I'm actually starting to . . . like it?
Honestly that is creepy as F. As a man, if I'm in a hurry just trying to quickly pick up some food and get home so i can relax and recharge for my next day of wage exploitation and being dehumanized for money, the last thing I want is some random nobody trying to chat me up, creating an uncomfortable and awkward situation. I understand modern society is really hard and people are disconnected, but the solution lies on an institutional level, society needs a full reset. These little coping mechanism are not helping.
@@nunyabaznus7851Oh knock it off.
@@nunyabaznus7851 Unfortunately you're being cornerned into isolation because of your job. Maybe taking that extra minute to talk to someone that greets you will improve your mental health and social skills, even if it's difficult to get out of the "rush rush rush" mindset.
Agree that society needs a reset, but we need to deal with our current society meanwhile. Also we need to start the reset ourselves, not wait for others to do it for us.
@@nunyabaznus7851 damn, man, sucks to hear. I get what you say, but please don't discourage someone that is doing progress and that is sharing that progress, we are all in this together. I would love to recommend you try this chatting random people up stuff, but if you truly don't like it u don't gotta do it. and if someone approaches u just trying to talk, u can still quickly end the interaction in seconds. I get what u say of the institutional and structural problems of society, but it is those small coping mechanisms you criticize that give some the energy and abilities to try and change said society. if u never cope, u'll become trapped in said institutional and structural problems (as the video said). much love my man, great week
Random acts of service ease loneliness. Just taking someone's bin out & you know the world's a slightly less crappy place today because you're in it. Remind yourself you're worthy of life and companionship.
it helps in a temporary, but it doesn't fix it. I find its more relevant to managing the depression from loneliness than actually helping the loneliness.
I'm sorry, but they don't. Giving does not mean "giving and receiving", and it shouldn't replace the latter.
They really don’t
“Hey, your feeling unappreciated, pushed aside and not listened to? How about you do more for other people? To hell with your feelings or struggles. WE WANT more and your depressed ass has nothing better to live for than doing things for others knowing they’ll never be reciprocated. No purpose or direction how about be a slave to society and women with nothing but more suffering in return” is all I hear with these types of responses from women. Nothing person but that’s what depressed, overworked, unloved men hear. Most men’s lives are a never ending circuit of random acts of kindness that are just directed by those holding emotional hammers over their heads by people who “love” them.
It works for women but I don’t think it works for men. As an example if you got breast cancer today I would do a marathon for you tomorrow to raise awareness. Because I could get it, and also it makes me feel good to help you. But the only time men ever join fathers for justice is when they’re a father seeking justice. I just think they’re too focused on themselves to get a boost from helping others and I’m not saying that to be mean or sexist, it’s just my experience that women live in the world and men live in their own skin. Their first loyalty is always to themselves even when it comes to love and things, their gesture of love would never involve letting their girlfriend go because it was the best thing for example. Because their prime thought is about themselves. I don’t think men really do love, or not the way we do.
I don't know how relevant my opinion on masculinity is as a butch lesbian, but to me healthy masculinity is wanting to make those around you feel safe when you're nearby. And your willingness to be vulnerable and honest about trauma and struggles makes me feel very safe and welcomed. Thank you.
Love this.
theres kind of a dark side to that though for men. the whole "protector" role has an underlying vibe of us being the ones who should put ourselves in harms way or sacrifice ourselves and us being less worthy of being protected in turn. and if you bring that up a lot of people, men and women, are prone to reject or punish that sorta vulnerability, cause we all have a lot of really deeply internalized patriarchal expectations and norms.
he might have addressed that in the vid, still watching. shout out to butch lesbians though, had one as a supportive adult in my life as a kid, pretty sure all kids need at least one.
@@GillamtheGreatest Cam can talk about hard things while still finding safety within himself in the moment, and that conveys safety around the truth for others too. I think there is an interesting parallel here with safety like that and what you say about protector roles.
Our nervous system talk to each other non-verbally - cues of safety include if this person is visibly alarmed or tense with fright then I should be on alert too. If they are are at ease, and relatively calm, even with difficult topics then we too can feel reassured that solutions and repair can be found. (It's hard to convey this via text messages, as there is no tone or breath sounds to 'read' the other person's body state)
I think women are expected to be that calm as part of a protector role within the smaller circle of the family and children. We know that it's better for caregivers not to be stressed because that gets carried across non-verbally to kids nervous systems, making it harder to grow up healthy. So sense of safety and ease for the mother for herself is encouraged. (some call this common sense, for others it can be very difficult to achieve)
Men, as human beings with the same nervous system (different resources), must be similar- as 'caregivers' to the mothers AND the children, the larger unit of the family and community. It makes sense that to do that role well men also need ways to maintain a felt sense of safety and ease for their own selves, and that may mean getting support from society, and from partners or good friends. And from your inner values, perhaps in the form of a personal code.
This inner sense of safety is part of being a safe person, someone who provides a sense of safety to others. Basically it's a cycle of trust... and concentric circles of safety. Dying to protect the more vulnerable should really only be a very last resort. we all need men around as support!
Just a thought, I probably made it too wordy sorry!
Why isn't it the others persons job to make themselves feel safe
I don't care at all whether people feel safe around me. If they don't feel safe that's THERE problem
@@GillamtheGreatest you're right. It's just the same roles repackaged
Every young man should watch this. My heart breaks especially for all the little boys whose minds have been crushed by the noise of social media.
It’s not social media doing it
@@minabotieso6944 social media, a place where men and boys are constantly demeaned by others, where little boys get hooked on p*rn (and in the case of instagram, targeted by it), where they’re drawn to poor excuses for men as role models, and where they become addicted to the very apps that have been proven to worsen mental health.
It’s not the only culprit, but the difference between a child raised with and without access to social media is huge.
Older millennial lady here. I've experienced men with the "toxic" mentality all my life. Dated and loved a few of them. When I tried to tell them how to be better, they dismissed me. Because I was a woman and could never understand them was their reasoning why. I knew the message would have to come from another man. I'm glad you're reaching out to them. Hopefully it isn't too late for them.
Thanks for trying, at least. I'm sure it had some effect on some of them.
As a man, I do want to mention that men should be open to hearing messages from women. When I was in my 20s (which was awhile ago), an older female friend pretty much pointed out what I needed to work on if I ever wanted women in general to like me. It maybe wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it was what I needed to hear. She delivered it in a compassionate, empathetic way, so it resonated. So hopefully some of the men you tried to help later thought things over and tried to improve, even if perhaps you were never aware. They might not even be willing to admit they listened.
While it might break through to some more toxic men, by & large these men have no trouble dismissing other men who come to them with views breaking their own orthodoxy by discounting them as "soy" & considering their masculinity as invalid.
You cannot force someone to question themselves if their entire sense of identity & ego is bound up in having internalised these toxic archetypes from such a young age that they have little conscious memory of having ever embodied anything else.
Usually it'll have to start through having it directly and unambiguously negatively impacting them personally in a very obvious way but even then they'll resist & resist & blind themselves.
Individuals who learn & change tend to be the exceptions to the rule, and at the broad level, it's generations who learn new things, not individuals.We spend our whole lives operating under assumptions based on everything we've learned to until that point, so it's harder to unlearn, than learn.
I could have posted that. (Except I'm older, and dated and loved more of them.)
The problem with becoming a better human is it means doing many of the things that society defines as "female." It requires vulnerability.
In the male culture of domination, those traits are downright dangerous.
The answer, though, is to discourage dominance behavior, and encourage connection and support instead.
...which is considered female.
...which means dominance culture is the real issue, not "being men."
@@kikijewell2967 it's ironic because society also tells men to be "rebels" and "mavericks" but then if they try to be feminist it's all like "No! Not like that!". The term "feminist" has been completely poisoned in the minds of so many people in society because they don't see it as equal rights. Ironically, men have now been instilled with a kind of victimhood mentality that prevents them from joining with women to overcome made-up gender stereotypes. Anti-men feminism practically doesn't exist. It's such a non-problem that videos that claim to show people spreading anti-men feminism half to fill up half the time with fake examples like MRA types pretending to be such and "real" feminists mocking the position and then clipped out of context. On the other side, "Red Pill" nonsense is prevalent as heck on social media and extremely popular with young men. At that point, it's really about parenting and making sure kids aren't consuming garbage media, tbh.
This is such an important conversation. I’m seeing many of my male students graduate and struggling big time 😢 The same adorable, creative, funny, dynamic, energetic little boys are only a shell of themselves now and it is heartbreaking
thats because of the socialisation they have experienced through media, family, friends and wider world. It teaches the young energetic, emotional boys to reject that and undergo a mental self mutilation. Teaching them that isolation and becoming unfeeling is the way forward. It disgusting and awful to witness how young an age this begins to happen. Patriarchy is terrible.
@@cuddlebear7132 With you right up to the last sentence.
Attaching this issue exclusively to Patriarchs is significantly part of the problem. Man hate is a real issue.
@@marjon1703 and you are wrong to think that being critical of the current patriarchal construct is synonymous with criticising men. Yes men are required to act out an perform that dominion (women also do this but in different ways), my point is that men are victims of this status quo. So I repeat, patriarchy isn't all men. Most men do not infact benefit from patriarchy, they are mostly damaged by it.
@@cuddlebear7132 The West is absolutely, fundamentally a gynocentric social order at this point in time; you've drunk so much of the feminist kool-aid you have no grasp of reality. There is no patriarchy in the West today, plain and simple.
@@cuddlebear7132 also the role of women uphelding expectations to males, which stem from patriarchy themselves, should not be talked down. Men in power have to change as well as everyone else that makes themselves powerless by giving their power to men who are already in power.
I'm not a man, but I feel like piping up and saying, I love your point about, it doesn't matter if there's a crisis or not, because empathy and compassion are always good regardless. It's a point I've made before and it makes me happy to see someone else making it too. And agreement on a whole bunch of other points too.
I hope this video manages to help many people who are struggling.
It’s a point that’s not here nor there. We have been able to understand with women’s issues that it’s necessary to talk about that the issue exists and solutions for it as much as we can which builds awareness and change.
Yes we should talk about there in fact existing a crisis
Man, that little tremble in your voice when you talked about your friend spoke so loud. Really sorry for your loss, man.
To people in loneliness: Don't hide it. A friend of mine always made meta-commentary when we talked in university about how he is awful at talking to people because he lacks practice. As an introvert, I really felt that and I made it a point to always talk to him when I saw him around in the train or on campus. Don't pretend that you are having a great time and if someone looks like he might be lonely, maybe try to talk to them.
Also: Specialized forums are great for introverts. There are often old folks who can't even hide their excitement if a young person wants their opinion. I had an old guy drive an hour to me because he wanted to help me set up an aquaponic system. All I did was to post in a local forum and ask for beginners advice.
great point about specialised forums
Ohh, that's wonderful (without bering cynical). We need more possibilities ouf togetherness.
Also as an introvert don't shut off chances for yourself. Go for it and fail, then you will start to fail less, and will get better at talking to others.
this is probably my favorite struthless video ever. Excellent, vulnerable life advice for people of any gender
I think that's important to note. When people are real and ernest, their gender is the least important component.
It's also very beautiful. He's clearly put a lot of design work into this.
Already thumbs up for the intro because i know struthless is a decent human being and i know he will do this justice.
P.s: i am woman
The big struggle I have with loneliness is having tried for years (since junior year of high school - I'm in my mid-20s now) to make close friends, to be the guy who reaches out, organizes activities/hang-outs, is reliable and dependable, etc. And without fail, despite all my effort across dozens of people of all different backgrounds, personalities, etc., not a single person has reciprocated the energy I tried to bring. Nobody reaches out to me to see how I'm doing. Nobody asks me to hang out with them. It feels so horribly demotivating that nobody in my life puts forth effort to care about me in even a fraction of the way I put effort to care about them.
I dont really know how to cope with doing everything right, and the result being the same as if I never tried. Relationships aren't transactional of course so I don't have any demand towards others to be any way, but real relationships aren't one-sided either. I'm tired of being this extroverted, sympathetic, caring person who tries to bring people together only for nobody to be there for me when I need it, or for no one to show that I'm also wanted.
Sorry to hear that!! I struggled with this a bit as well in college and what helped me was going to like art classes or other grpup activities where youre with the same group of people week to week doing an activity - it really helped me form some close relationships with people who had the same interests that I did and made it easier on me because I didint ahve to plan anything I just showed up to class. Don't know if thatll help but wishing you the best!
People only want to spend time around men who are some combination of powerful, rich, successful, handsome. If you don't have any of those cards to play every single social connection is like being dangled over a cliff with sweaty hands.
I've had multiple friends of 20 years just kind of drop me. They have better lives with better friends who are more successful, less isolated, less stilted and warped, and so even if I make the effort to work on the relationship, it is entirely one sided.
You're absolutely not alone here and I know exactly how you feel, having always been the same way. For just once I'd like someone else to be the one to ask me to go do something with them or ask how I'm doing or make any effort at all to be around me, but it seems like nobody ever does. That honestly hurts even more than not having any friends to begin with, as it makes you question if these people even really care for you at all. Especially because you know that they probably do care for you to an extent, it's just not in the same way you do for them. It's torture man.
Hey man, that is awful to hear! I hope you know that even if it seems impossible, you will be able to find close friends at some point in your life.
Some things to ease the mind first, most humans tend to rely on transactional relationships until atleast their 20's, especially at younger ages this is incredibly obvious. (This guy in kindergarten has all the cool toys so im going to be his friend, rather common behaviour for childeren).
People who are more susceptible to emotions (ie people with autism) tend to feel left out of the social space because they recognise (or sense, sometimes you can't put your finger on it) the transactional part a bit earlier than most. (Which is an awful lonely feeling to carry.)
Something to consider, whilst being extraverted and outgoing can be a great character trait to have, it isn't really necesary to make close friends. 6 years ago i made friends with some people across the atlantic ocean over discord and a year ago i actually collected the courage to fly over and visit them.
Suddenly it no longer mattered that i was someone who really enjoys solitude, weird internet niches and self isolates every couple of months to regain social energy, the internet is filled with introverted weirdo's like that and it allowed me to be myself.
And i trust 100% that you can find a sphere where you can be so aswell.
So to finish off, you're not doing anything wrong. (as far as i know) but maybe you are doing it all for the wrong people.
Putting in tremendous work to get people who don't really care about you to even acknowledge you is a horrible feeling and a very sure way to absolutely ravage your self esteem.
(Not to mention it is going to take up energy you really need for yourself aswell)
Wish you all the best luck, and i believe in you!
I have a frosting/cake analogy that I think might apply. In this case, the frosting is made up of human characteristics that are easy to see from the outside -fun, good-looking, life of the party, visible interesting hobbies, dress well, in shape, witty, etc. The cake is made up of the characteristics that are harder to see, or really more time to see - caring, there in the hard times, thoughtful, educated, solid friend etc. Some people have great frosting but their cake is rotten. You're prob not one of those people. Others have no or little frosting but great cake. You're prob one of those people.
Everyone is initially attracted to the frosting, and nobody can help it, yourself included. The frosting is what we can see, it's what attracts us. But unfortunately people with great frosting often have shit cake and end up hurting those around them in the end. They're also often the people who put a lot of energy into their frosting because they need more than the normal amount of attention.
It takes a lot of quiet, uncelebrated hard work to make yourself into a good cake. You've already done that! Kick ass! Throwing a little frosting on there is easier... So that's what you need to work on. Hobbies, get in shape, conversational skills etc. You can do that.. You already have great cake. Frosting is nbd when you already did the hard part.
Then you can attract the real friends you want.
But also get rid of this idea of "doing everything right." Obviously you're not "doing everything right" to get the results you want, and there's probs no such thing anyway. Don't put that pressure on yourself.
I find it really interesting that as a woman I see content on these same topics all the time gear towards me but the majority of the men I see in this space are the grifters and haters. It's like content for women is empathy focused and for men it's all shame focused. Which naturally translates to self love for women and self hate for men. There's a paper on discipline by the army I recently heard about from a female CZcamsr and she brought a sense of self love to it that I don't think the men who wrote it would have even thought of. It was phrased as self respect, but the same idea has been in every productivity thing by a woman I've seen to date. Unfortunately many male influencers push the idea of self respect as a feeling of superiority over others (betas etc) instead of an independent assurance of self and love of that self. Idk how we get from here to there, but I think it's clear that's at least one major change that's needed.
yep, theres even memes about how men motivation is just like "you're NOTHING, you're USELESS, get UP"
"many male influencers push the idea of self respect as a feeling of superiority over others"
That's a really god point! It goes hand in hand with the portrayal of vulnerability as weakness. Men learn to rely on domination for their self-esteem.
I don't think i can put into words how good you are at this, how much people need it and how grateful i am to have found your channel. Thank you so much for being you and doing what you do
I got into a pretty bad headspace in my mid 20's where I didn't really do much of anything other than succumb to depression, and I immediately gravitated to 4chan, and for any guys out there like that, it's not too late, you can talk to people, you can make new friends, you can go back to school, you can just talk to women you like. The more you do it the less scary it is, and it doesn't matter if you're at a bad place in your life, broke, struggling with mental health, etc. women can tell if you're trying. Not saying you should get into a relationship with the expectation that's going to make your life better, fix all your problems or have somebody in your life to do things for you but even with apps and internets you can still just like, talk to people if you don't do it in a creeped out, disingenuous way that violates all social norms. Ask people to get coffee/a drink with you, it's cheap, low effort, low commitment and there's witnesses
this comment is awesome because it’s completely inundated with the implication that everything is already this hypothetical man’s fault and that he needs to conduct himself in a way that atones for whatever it is you think he did/will do.
all of your advice is reminiscent of some kind of dystopian precognition system that apprehends criminals before they’ve even done anything wrong. it seems to me that your experience has tainted your perspective.
your comment implies that just because the world has subjugated you that other young men must also yoke themselves to societal expectations for the mere chance of one day being accepted.
@@eebbaa5560 Being depressed wasn't my fault, but it was my responsibility to figure a way to manage it in a constructive way. The rest of the world has to live with me. I'm not saying you have to fit into a little box or that everybody needs to go to college or be a social butterfly or even be in a relationship (ace people are a thing and it's ok), but being independent and trying to challenge and better yourself gives you a lot of self-determination. You can lean into being miserable, or not.
What makes you think people want to speak to me?
Nobody ever considers how the other person feels
Women can't tell if you're trying. Women are people with their own lives and stuff going on and most don't have the time to analyse your interior life, because they're already analysing their own
@@painunending4610Quit being a blackpilled bed wetter.
As a single 19 year old male feeling lost while trying to navigate life I needed this video. I feel like my life is on hold until the world settles down and becomes rational again
I hate to be the one to say it, but the world hasn't been rational in a long time and probably won't be any time soon. All you can do is work with what you've got as best you can to build the life you want - even while there is chaos ongoing around all of us.
Work out what you want in life, and work out the most reliable way to get to that from where you are now. Allow for roadblocks and diversions and plan ways around them. And then go and do it. Being nineteen is terrifying, but it's also awesome - you can do so much with the years ahead of you!
@@tealkerberus748 thank you for your input! It truely is as terrifying as it is exciting. However I feel like I am at more of a disadvantage than prior generations which is really tough. Despite that I am still doing everything I can to succeed and find my sense of belonging and purpose while sticking to my morals with good judgement in a difficult society.. dating is probably the hardest aspect of life for me at the moment..
@@nathansmith5726 Bro, I would hold off on dating right now, unless you find someone who is morally willed enough to defy the norm. Most young guys aren't fitting into social roles that fulfill them within relationships right now; because of skewed social dynamics and expectations. I'd try and focus on your habits and life, and how to best live it according to something unaffected by our current times.
@@jasondean37 yep and I have been throwing myself into work, education, financial education, and hobbies etc but at the same time I feel like I'm missing a partner. I want to share life with someone but no one my age thinks like that.. it's hard always being the mature one :(. Also I don't even know where or how to look for genuine women. Dating apps are horribly designed. Bars usually attract hookups and not genuine connections. Where else can I even go? If you try to connect with someone or hit on someone outside of these places then you are seen as creepy.. feels like you can never win, especially as a man in 2024..
@@nathansmith5726 Do you think a third party would help? It doesn't have to go as far as an arranged marriage, but friends introducing you to someone, family finding someone, and basically having the community involved in some way could help.
Of course this depends on culture and your connections so might just be a vague idea more than any realistic plan.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost one of my best mates (also male) to suicide a few years ago. And it always hurts my soul thinking he felt like there was no other way out. Keep fighting the good fight ❤
One thing for your question about getting out of loneliness: Getting a grip around hobbies helps socializing. Look out for clubs in your area about things that you love, search the internet for group meetings, local institutions where you can follow your hobbies. It is hard to overcome the anxiety to go there, I know, but step by step you'll get in touch with people that share your interest and this is a very good thing to start and strengthen interpersonal relationships.
this could not have come at a better time for me, trying to pull myself out of a mental health decline and figure out where and how to take control of my life. damn. thanks, Cam.
u can do it bro. we believe in you
Try Dr K, an actual psychologist, instead of a youtuber. And Academy of Ideas just recently put out a video on depression and its purpose.
@@ecupcakes2735
@@Ruylopez778 i already watch him and am in therapy so have enough "actual" info on it but thanks 🙃
There are countless people who feel your anguish and are cheering you on ❤
this is so important. i just want to mention as a feminist, to any other feminists that may a hard time relating to this conversation (as i once did), that prioritizing mens' mental health is a key way we relieve the women they date of the burdens of toxic relationships and abuse.
i had an ex who experienced mental health issues while struggling to make money and make his dreams work. he was a NEET living at home at 24, never had a father figure in his life, and dealing with disordered eating, overexercise, and cannabis addiction as well. his significant amount of time spent on the internet exposed him to a lot of shitty ideas that didn't help him at all - he had an alternative worldview (based on misinformation from the internet) that meant he had few friends. he didn't need semen retention, he needed therapy.
needless to say there was a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation because he didn't feel in control of himself, so he may as well take control over me and isolate me from my loved ones. had he had a healthier way of dealing with his emotions or a positive male influence in his life, i wonder if there wouldn't have been that shitty cycle of him starting a random fight so that we could reconcile and 'feel closer' afterward.
that said we 100% should be talking about mens' mental health for their OWN sake and because we care about them - Just highlighting that it also works to relieve cycles of abuse that go on to affect others. and at the end of the day, claiming men are inherently evil, and therefore incorrigible, is a conservative, bioessentialist worldview and doesn't service meaningful discussion or do anything for mens' mental health.
thumbs up to this, so many issues that people who aren't men face are caused by unaddressed issues that men face. not that its a chicken or the egg kind of thing. the pain goes both ways, but so does the healing.
Absolutely, and it's not just women that men date but women in general and the feminist movement as a whole. If we don't address men's issues along with women's, that's just going to drive more men to the people who are going to "address" their issues - chiefly the patriarchy and their supporters. If you want to see real change in they way we culturally treat gender to bring gender equality and overthrow the patriarchy, both women and men's gender roles and expectations as well as all the issues that stem from that must be addressed.
You know what's up. 💯
Hell yeah that dude rocks
don’t drink alone. and don’t drink when you’re sad. (i have not yet succeeded on these)
As a woman with a lot of male friends, I appreciate you reaching out to men and speaking with wisdom.
Alright, now how do I get this video to the young men in my life who need it without making it awkward?
Send it to them. It probably would be awkward, but so many men (including me) don't know how to take the first step so they don't. By having the first step given to them it might make it awkward, but it is a start and it is up to them - not you - on how they continue to move forwards from that point.
no idea, i wish it was easy, whenever im genuine with other guys they break out the "its not that deep" defense mechanism, shutting down any hope of conversation
@@bananarama3624 Good idea. To add to that, do not include a lecture or 'helpful comments'. Just send it and leave it. Dignity is important.
Let it be awkward. You might save a life ❤
@@bananarama3624what is the “first step”? first step in what? and what is it exactly that you think men need to move forward from?
Thankyou so much for putting a face to CSA. Normalising this on a platform like this will save lives. Thankyou for your incredible courage
This
To counter loneliness :
- volunteer for charities / organizations that help people in need. You will meet great people there and over time they could become friends.
- join sports / outdoor activities groups. Like a running group that meets up once or twice a week, or an archery club, whatever.
I have a lot of experience with trying those options and they suck really bad. Especially if you are a young person volunteering is mostly older people in my experience. You come to do the volunteer work and not make friends
Running club might work but it seems like more about the running and not socializing. Intramural sports definitely doesn’t work. You for the most part need to already have a group of friends to make a team, people don’t converse with the other teams
Also, I'm currently doing my dissertation on ex incels and something that comes up a lot is the importance of friends. I appreciate it's easier said than done, but I think trying new hobbies, e.g. any sort of exercise class or club with a structure where you'll meet new people and be in a situation where you can at least talk about what you're doing is a good step forward.
Yeah one thing people do to much is when people say smt stupid they stop being friends instead of talking about why they feel like that and if you can explain why that’s wrong but take it slow. And this only works if they aren’t narcissistic and full incel cus they need more help than friends. But what I’m saying is take it slow and talk about feelings and psychology really helps:)
If you are struggling with outbursts, especially physically - I can absolutely recommend learning the drums. Great way to hit things and make lots of noise for a good purpose, instead of uncontrolled violence. Anger is a normal and healthy part of having human feelings as I am finding out!
Channelling your feelings through decidedly positive physical activity can be totally meditative and rewarding like nothing else for your mind.
I respect the way you took on this challenge with such nuance and thoughtfulness. I wish more content was like this. This topic could be your next book.
As a '91 baby raising two boys this hits at what worries me to my bones. Cam, thank you. This is such an important perspective to what is a very challenging narrative for young boys and men today. I also acknowledge the courage it takes to talk your deepest vulnerabilities and your voice is one of a few who I really do believe makes the internet toilet a better place to be 👏
Damn only about four minutes into this but what a brave video to make, big up to you for making it through so much and taking on this topic
What helped me with lonelyness is doing the bare minimum of change, and allowing yourself to do more.
I am not a party person at all, but I took the goal of just showing up and staying for at least half of the time. Often that lead me to get more contacts or become closer to people. And sometimes it doesn't work out, and then you still should feel some sort of accomplishments for being there and showing up.
If this is too scary, look to things where you want to accomplish something or something you like. Try to find an (online) community and just show up. You don't always have to talk, a message every now and then is fine, but this will make you a core part of the community over time.
You don't have to, and cannot, be involved in all communication. This is not realistic, even if it seems like some people are. Try to find your own happiness. Last time I was with friends I wasn't that social. I just poked a fire for a few hours and exchanged a few small chats. Accepting this was also fine and this being what makes me happy and relaxed felt great.
This is really helpful. Starting to prioritize myself as a trans guy as an adult now that I'm in a safe place, and it's been weird realizing how "man" doesnt mean anything at all, and it means everything to me. Simultaneously acknowledging that masculinity feels very precious and needs nurturing within myself, and that a lot of people misunderstand, twist, and vilify it (understandably).
If it means nothing, what exactly are you doing to achieve it? (Don't talk about confidence or ambition or self respect as though those are foreign concepts to women. That's just misogyny.)
I (a woman) am so happy my male friends talk to me about everything and some managed to get into therapy. Can't imagine to lose any of them.
It may be a spicy topic but I appreciate that someone somewhere is actually talking about this! Thank you.
Great video
What amazes me about "masculinity" and stuff like that is why people worry abput that.
Like, if you are happy, yoi will never worry about stuff like that.
And the second thing that amazes me is, instead of peopke try to solve that unapiness, no, they turn to twitter and youtube arguing with another people, just to feel something.
Imagine being on deadbed and think "i wish i won more internet discussions"
People worry about it because we have a need for boundaries. Most, not all, people need a clear path to learning.
Like, if we want to be a plumber, we need someone to learn plumbing from. We don't just say, don't let anyone tell you how to do plumbing, just do plumbing the way you think you should.
So yes, young men need to learn how to be men. The thing is, if people of goodwill are unwilling to teach, people like Andrew Tate will be teaching them.
i think people worry about it because they were told a story by their fathers as to how they would be able to navigate the world as men, and what a man is, based on their fathers' experiences in a less progressive world. and now that they have come of age, their expectations have been shattered and they don't know what to do.
i know the same happened to me as a woman - i had to grieve the notion that men would be running after me trying to get my attention and stuff like that, and that this not happening doesn't make me less of a woman
Masculinity and femininity messages are pushed at very young ages. I got "how to be a woman" talks all the time and femininity was pushed hard on me. I've never been subject to the masculinity push, but I know these are present in every day life and is pushed very hard, either by parents or adult role models or by social media. Social media isn't all exclusively to blame but it certainly makes extreme ideas more visible and has exacerbated an already long existing issue.
Honestly I don't think dismissing masculinity is a good approach. People want identity and they want to belong some place in the world. "Boy" and "girl" are one of the first identities we learn about and are given and those are reinforced by social norms. We need to redefine those definitions instead of saying they don't exist. People need to feel safe exploring who they are and what isn't safe is trying something and being ridiculed for engaging in something because it's seen as the "opposite" of what you're told your identity is.
Humans are very much shaped by our environment and our social structures. In fact, what has been more and more understood is that we need other people because it's a need and instinct within our species. Social rejection feels so awful because it used to be a death sentence.
I agree that people tend to be happier when they let go of those external factors of judgment and assigned identity (labels are only useful when you identify with them yourself). But it's simply not possible to just say don't worry about it and expect all the issues to disappear.
I think you don't really get it though. "instead of trying to solve that unhappiness"... Well, how? Most of those dudes haven't been taught better not to look for solutions and meaning in those toxic youtube and twitter communities. And while there are good ideas sprowting here and there like in this video, there is no known consensus on how to fix these problems.
Being happy is not easy. It's not like they're stupid and willingly reject happiness and solutions to go consume online discourse, you know?
If you're happy enough not to worry about masculinity you're either extremely privileged, or lucky enough to be in an environment where gender roles don't weight on you.
Guess what, that's certainly not the situation for most men.
I spent decades creating long-form programming at PBS, CNN, and ABC. I worked with many of the BEST people in the business. You are as good and often better than most of them. Thank you for being SO good at what you do, every piece makes me happy and gives me hope.
Thank you for this! I am a 48 year old cis hetero amab and I am starting a Masters in Social Work because I see all these grifters preying on young men and boys’ insecurities - does not bode well. Loved this. ✊✌️🙏
What's amab?
@@GrumpyDerg Assigned Male at Birth, so basically, born as a male
@@GrumpyDerg a male at birth, basically the same thing as cis, but specific to men. The specific cis term for women would be afab (a female at birth).
This is going to be a real masterclass in "spot the commenter that did not watch the video" (bloody brilliant vid btw)
commenter that did not watch the video = someone who doesn’t agree with the consensus
@@eebbaa5560 exactly, the kind of people who genuinely think both side are equal tend to think people who disagree didn't watch the video
@@amandasunshine2 i don’t think we’re on the same side
@@eebbaa5560 well.. I'm on the side of logic and facts. What are you on?
TW
I witnessed a young man take his own life last year, it was the saddest thing that I have ever seen (and I have seen some things). FWIW, he tried to turn back in the last moment, to undo his decision, because he did still want to live. He may have thought that he didn't because sometimes our ideas mess with us.
Listen to this video, this is a good dude. Sometimes we need an outside voice of compassion when our thoughts are getting away on us.
It's okay.
Everybody makes mistakes, and I'm guessing we all feel useless sometimes. And then sometimes we don't, and those times can feel like a new beginning. It's still work, but it's hopefulness that didn't even seem possible in the low times, and it's worth it.
23:09 "if there is no one in your life to fill that role, firstly I am so sorry" hit me like a ton of bricks. I kind of expected you not to have an answer but, from a struggling 22 year old, thank you for showing compassion.
For anyone in my position, I guess we just got to thug it out for now. Hopefully things will be better in a few years.
As a young man who has found your channel mostly for journaling I didn't expect this video. But i'm so thankful that it was here. These are exactly the things that I've been struggling with for a while. This needs to be shared everywhere!
And for those struggling with being lonely. I've really found that having someone to talk to alleviates that. It can be anyone. Just don't be afraid of judgement. Be you. Be unapologetically you.
Loneliness. That shit is so hard. As a man it doesn't just feel internally hard to open up to people, it feel external too. In the depth of my worst crisis it felt like no one wanted to hear about it from me. It felt like no one around me was prepared to handle that type of vulnerability from a man.
But here's the thing. You don't form the type of friendships that can support you in that way without first taking the risk of opening up. It's that act of vulnerability that actually creates those bonds. It won't work with everyone you know, but if you let on to your friends that you're struggling some of them will make that space for you. When they do the bond between you will grow stronger and help to create the type of friendship that can be supportive.
DONT STOP HERE! THE NEXT BIT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!
This is a reciprocal relationship. You have to make space for your new friends to be vulnerable with you as well. Nobody is interested in supporting a friend who doesn't support them back.
Don't overload. Your friends are not a bucket for you to spew all of your negative emotions into. That type of relationship is extremely taxing. It's why we have to pay therapists in money.
Make space for fun. Friendships are a special type of relationship. You're friends are the people you spend time with because being around them is enjoyable. The entire relationship can't just be emotional support. You've got to do things together that make being around each other fun. Even if that's just sitting around cracking jokes.
you going through some horrible sh*t and being so hope with you audience of over 1m is so important to this next generation.
much love also from NZ! x
Hey Struth. I've been watching you for years. I just wanted to say - thank you so much for making this video. This is something I've struggled a lot with. In a world that is creating safe spaces to express just about every form of identity (which is awesome, I love that for them) except masculinity, it's often felt like there's nowhere to just... grow and exist as a good dude. Communities of men either have self-flaggelating or toxic Da Boiz energy, and it's felt super isolating. I'm lucky enough to have an amazing partner and good friends that I can talk about this kind of aimlessness with, but it's still something that needles me.
I recently told some friends that I felt Disney missed an opportunity with Elsa's character traits in Frozen for some positive messaging with young boys (i.e. conceal, don't feel), and was met with blank stares. It's so frustrating that all anyone wants to do is call out toxicity, but are completely unreceptive to conversations about how to change the way we talk to boys and young men in order to effect a positive change.
So... thank you again, Struth, for using your platform to talk about it.
Dude, as someone who has watched ALL of your videos, this was an absolute home run.
Brought me to tears twice. So relatable. This should be shared far and wide.
I can think of at least 3 friends that need to watch this.
Sincerely, thank you ❤️
Honestly. It's such an excellent take on such a hard issue.
I cannot recommend enough Nancy Peacey's 'The Toxic War on Masculinity'. Her grasp of history and sociology contextualises all of this wonderfully. She also has a great grasp of how Christianity gave us the vision of what it means to be a good - a source too often over looked.
For instance, traditionally men worked with their wives and children as part of the home economy - the notion of the stoic, competitive, value free, individual male in the marketplace didn't develop until the scientific revolution met industrialisation in the 19th century.
This was exactly the kind of intelligent, compassionate, nuanced video I expected from you. Gold star, mate, you do good in the world.
I was there, no friends, no getting out of the house… I joined some community activities, they are cheap, and you at least get to see people on a regular basis. Then I joined a group to make plans out in my city, 0 expectations, just going to the cinema, playing board games and some other plans. Fast forward I now have a group of friends, I’m going on vacation with them, I’m dating one of the guys in my group, and I feel seen and valued. I thought I would never get out of there, that nobody would care, and I still feel lonely at times, but seeing my friends adapt to my dietary restrictions in order for me to be able to eat out, or them being vulnerable and opening about stuff makes me feel valued.
On my journey of self exploration, taking care of my physical body seems key. Working with tension and relaxation, through Qi Gong exercises, opened new paths for me. My progress comes in very small steps and your Compass really fits the way I try to navigate towards my directions. As I recall, you once said: I try to do the thing that makes everything else easier. Top shelf stuff 💝
It's always a good day when you upload man, thank you so much for your wisdom.
This video was GREAT. I was just having a conversation about this earlier with my significant other. I recently got into some CZcams videos and witnessed how extreme both sides have become just as you laid out. I am 54 yrs old and I feel for the young kids trying to find their way through this mess.
“it must be so hard to be young right now” THANK YOU
I work as a therapist/mentor in a SEN school. This is brilliant, I often come up against this in my line of work and have invented a of my own strategies to tackling it in a way a teenage boy will take notice of, but nothing quite like this. I will be using this to help the guys I work with as I really think it would benefit them. Thanks for sharing.
I can’t express how much this video means to me, so simply, thank you. Years ago, as a teen, I felt a isolation in the issues surrounding my own perception of masculinity and my identity as a man. All I wanted was any semblance of a community where tough yet important discussions like this were being had, in such an empathetic, intelligent manner.
However shit the internet is and can be, it’s potential to give platform to strong, incredible men like you to inspire whole generations is an absolute blessing.
COMPASSION IS NOT A ZERO SUM GAME
DIGNITY IS NOT A ZERO SUM GAME
We can support people of all genders without scapegoating or victimizing one over the other.
Right, that's why we're asking men to stop scapegoating and victimizing us and start behaving more like us, people who don't do those things. 👍
@@amandasunshine2 stop blaming men and lumping them all together.
The algorithm suggested this video to me: utterly fantastic stuff. I really hope a lot of young men actually see this. I’m explicitly engaging to get this bolstered.
I just turned 23 some days ago and i needed a video like this. Thank you Struthless, your content made me find comfort from the other side of the world
As usual, amazing work. Seriously thinking of recommending it to my teenage boys (18 and 13). Thanks, man.
you definitely should!
You can also discuss some of these topics with them as their dad :)
I'm an Amab non-binary person, but the true irony is coming to terms with who I am also gave me a way more positive relationship with masculinity and masc roles. Like, I'm still very masc presenting cause laziness and autism, and I fill very masculine roles with my son's and it boils down to me showing them the kind of man I hope they can be, even if I am not technically a man.
Hey mate, thanks for making this video. It's definitely something the world needs right now. I got caught up in all of that right-wing cooker stuff at the end of 2022 after having previously being entrenched into far-left beliefs (therefore swinging the pendulum in the opposite direction).
In early 2023, I read "Iron John: A Book About Men" by Robert Bly. I will forever credit that book as changing the trajectory of my life and leading me down the path I am on today. I began my journey of learning to embrace, love, and express my masculinity in ways that were healthy but still remained authentic to my sense of being.
Come 2024, I've joined a local baseball club. I go to training twice a week and matches are every Saturday. Apart from compulsory P.E. in school, I've never played a sport in my entire life. Since taking up a team sport, I have never felt more alive, confident, and self-assured. I didn't know that I had the power to harness the strengths of both my mind and body in the way that I do now. For once, I don't feel like I "do nothing" with my life and I've proven myself to be capable of overcoming challenges and accomplishing things that I'd never even dreamed were compatible with who I thought I once was.
To all the lonely men out there: I hear you, I see you, I once was you. Find something that you like, or even "kind-of" like. Join a local club that's based around your particular interest, and go out and meet people. It's fucking daunting but I can guarantee you that when you consciously make the effort to get over that anxiety hurdle, over and over again, you will earn your own self-respect back and see your true inherent value as a man.
All the best, gentlemen.
Love the outlets section. super helpful. Personally as a dad I use this mentality a lot. every parent knows how trying and frustrating having kids can be at times. The spikes in frustration can be really intense. Often I channel this energy into entering 'rumble mode' or 'high energy play mode' with my kids - picking them up, playing a tickle game, having an outburst disguised as a funny dance, jumping on the tramploline etc. Finding a positive outlet to safely express my frustration and 'get it out' without it negatively impacting those around me.
And so true. All traits can have a dark side and a light side. We should celebrate men's and women's traits more often!
Extremely helpful video, especially in terms of validating experiences and giving actionable steps to improve! I'm going to have to ponder on this and rewatch it a few times. As a male who also had SA happen to him as a child, and who also lacked male figures to look up to for guidance, I've stuggled a lot with that it means to be a positive version of masculine; especially with all the shouting about how broken men are in general.
This is really well said, I have always struggled to articulate the current state of boys/men in the modern world and how it shouldn't be an us versus them. This video is a great place to point to! The CODE should be taught in schools.
I have recently stumbled upon this type of content and I don't understand why there's this struggled. Being a man seems so easy, I go to work and go back to my apartment and go running with my dog and sit out by the pool on the weekends and I couldn't be happier
Here's my formula for making friends. It takes some time, but it works. First, find an event happening in your community that happens regularly. Maybe a club or class at a library, maybe a board game night at a bar, maybe an armature sports league. It doesn't matter what it is as long as you have some interest in it and it happens regularly. Second go to that thing. Yup, that's it nothing really special. Third, keep going to that thing -- become a regular. Just keep showing up and participating. Eventually you'll start to recognize people there and they will recognize you. That recognition will make it easier to have conversations. Those conversations are how friendships start.
Thank you for this video Struthless. You have a real knack for taking difficult topics like this and providing easy to understand, earnest, and levelheaded analysis and advice. You’re really saving lives man.
the way I choked up so fast when you choked up talking about your bud. So thankful for your openness, Cam! You are a brave man and I hope this video (like so many of your others) goes viral and to the people who need to hear it. You 're making the world a better place!
As a man, the one thing I'm convinced of above all others is that no one actually cares how you feel or what you're going through. People say they will help or they do care, but when you reach out they shut you down and ridicule you for asking
12:28 I'm so sorry that you lost your friend, that is an unimaginable loss, he must have been an amazing person. I could hear the pain in your voice and it brought me to tears. Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable moment. Your video is wonderful and I hope it helps any lonely person who comes across it. Warm hug to anybody reading my comment. ❤❤❤
Thanks for all you do Struth!
Your videos are so fantastic. Thanks for making this, can't wait to share it with people.
Seeing a positive, actionable video about masculinity feels so good. The tendency to immediately associate masculinity with toxicity is a huge problem - not just for cis men but for anyone who identifies with masculinity! It’s tough to define masculinity for yourself when all we hear about it is the way you aren’t supposed to do it. You get a picture of masculinity in your mind that is made up of violence and dominance. I have worked very hard to define my own version of masculinity that aligns with who I am as a person and is made up of positive, constructive traits. Protection is one of the most common ones that I hear but I’ve always identified more specifically with the idea of being a safe place to land for my loved ones. That is part of masculinity to me.
I think its important to note that a lot of us started favoring media interaction (parasocial) over human interaction (social) because it has been much SAFER for us. If I felt safer around people, I wouldn't avoid them. 😅
By far the best video on the topic ive watched so far
Especially love focus on NEET vs Yeet and "idolize a r*pist or hate yourself". These are things usual missing from discussion from people who claim to want to help
Hard to help if you wont address as much as you can identify
For loneliness: volunteer. Even if it’s teaching your neighbours kid how to skate, or doing a community clean up of your local waterway. Everyone has a skill, talent or ability that is necessary in today’s world. You are worthy but sometimes it takes sharing that knowledge for it to dawn on you
I’m raising kids alone (not by choice) in a world where “fatherlessness” is a meme, and I struggle a lot with the internet topic of masculinity and how my kids are growing up perceiving what men/masculinity is or isn’t. Witnessing grown men abandon their kids because of their masculinity struggles that actually stemmed from their own childhood traumas, I feel like this is such an important topic/conversation for men to be having. I can feel listening to you how much bravery it takes. Thank you so much for how you shared this message ❤
This video has me seriously moved. I'm sharing this with some of my close buds because I feel like you've said things that so many men have never heard. I really appreciate your raw and humble approach in this video
Your authenticity is inspiring. Struggling post-op for a bit of purpose so the guidance in this video was timely. Thank you and keep up the good work :)
this not only talks to boys and men but also to girls and women. we life in complicated times and sometimes we need someone talking with us down to earth without takes a drastic stance for clicks or views. thank you! also, the presentation style you chose for this video was absolutely fantastic 😍
JEEZ. "Earn your own self respect."
That last little monologue really caught me off guard. I've been so fixated and focused on 'doing enough' or 'doing more' that I have not once considered if I'm acting like someone I would respect.
And thinking about it now?
I have not been.
Going to be re-watching this over the weekend.
Thank you for making this video
This video is criminally underrated and one of the best I’ve seen on the platform. You’re awesome man
Thanks a ton for making this and giving the "silent middle" some more volume. Great work!
This is excellent. Thank you for the time, effort, skills, and compassion you are sharing with the world. You're making it a better place. Please know that you're not just trying, you're succeeding.
Dang. You're timing and delivery are always on point. Every time I you post one of your videos, it seems to be at the exact right time for me. Thanks for being awesome!
You're doing amazing, life-changing work. 💗 So sorry for your loss.
Love you dude! Wish you posted more!!! You inspire me so much. Much love from an artist in Dublin 🇮🇪
I loved the video. I just did the excruciating work of figuring out most of what you said while ALSO isolating myself. It Just makes it even more validating when this random internet stranger (who's videos I dont tend to watch) has the exact same takes as me even though we've clearly led lives distinct in time, place, and circumstance from eachother. I havn't been sober for a week and I feel like i've been reborn.
Shame bound humans all have a core wound which in my experience was the ultimate source of isolating behaviors which precluded recovery, however; because I was shame bound it also meant I had negative core beleifs. Just like some words and actions can break a child and create shame by instilling those beleifs, there are things we can say and do to kids to vaporize them. This is essentially play therapy.
The real problem is people stop playing but they don't grow up. No playing, no play therapy. There goes our easy solution.
Adults need to be children first. If we are denied the chance to be children we will endevor to be one on our own terms. No one with a core wound is ready to be an adult, and ironically this becomes a self fufilling prophecy (at least for me it was). The problem is that our society has hijacked the concept of adulthood. We are told that kids are supposed to turn into adults, and that is true, but to someone with a core wound that is the most painful thing in the world to hear. Not only will they refuse to play, they begin to build walls to protect the core wound from ANYONE who would try to help OR hurt. This is a critical peice of splitting continues into adolencece. At this point you have a little kit that is too scared to draw, too scared to watch their favourite TV shows, and nearly too scared to let anyone in.
The solution is radical yet precise empathy. The more walls there are, the more perfectly brutal a shot you must take to hit center, and despite this we must have the courage to aim true and accept the knowledge that we will (from their perspective) be hurting them as we destory their core wound. It's will not be easy, like an animal caught in a trap they will thrash and even chew their own leg off. I see how some theapists talk about NPD like Narcs have no chance of rehabilitation. I would like to propose an alternate hypothesis. What if someone with NPD has a core wound that is so well protected that the chance of someone meeting them where they are is essentially zero? Think about it, when a healthy person looks at a narc they are disgusted. We are wired to see those lacking empathy as subhuman, and this type of commentary leads to the aformentioned strenthening of the core wound protections. What's worse, the 'heathiest' in our society are the ones who we agree with when they say that narcs (or anyone else for that matter) is/are unredeemable.
The upshot is this. Systemic abuse has created an abundance of hyper synsetive people who, if they recover, will navigate their loved ones barriers flawlessly. from my perspective Gen z (which I am a part of) is a whole generation of creatives that has been denied this opportunity, but you cannot stop a force this strong. The wave will crest, and all will be good.
There are so many great things about this video (folding over that little piece of paper from 'idle hands' to 'engaged hands' was a nice touch that didn't go unappreciated), I love that you dove headfirst into the internet and social media (one of the most confusing places on Earth) and actually made sense of it. Well done mate, I could never.
Thank you for everything you do. The research, the humour, the vulnerability, the darkness.
Your videos add so much value to my life, and I'm eternally grateful