PRIMARCH LAWYER TIER LIST | Astartes Anonymous Podcast #4
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- čas přidán 28. 06. 2024
- Four defrosted Cro-Magnons endeavour to uncover which of the Emperor's scions are capable of defending an unnamed hiver (you) in a court of law.
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00:00 Intro
01:00 The Prompt
02:09 Konrad Curze
04:10 Angron
06:16 Corvus Corax
09:19 Ferrus Manus
10:59 Fulgrim
14:45 Roboute Guilliman
19:42 Horus Lupercal
21:08 Jaghatai Khan
22:57 Lion El'Johnson
24:53 Lorgar Aurelian
26:13 Magnus The Red
29:32 Mortarion
30:56 Perturabo
32:50 Rogal Dorn
33:21 Leman Russ
36:09 Sanguinius
38:15 Vulkan
41:33 Alpharius Omegon
45:42 Outro
46:16 A Message From Moots
Intro/Outro Music By georgeNrat
5:02 the irony is that of the primarchs, Angron gives some of the most insightful and compelling speeches in the heresy and crusade. He’d call the judge a hypocrite, deconstruct the entire moral premise of imperial civilization, then decapitate the judge.
Lol accurate! I approve
Rip out his own spine and beat him to death with it sounds more accurate
People fail to realize how compelling and insightful angron and his sons were
I do think that Angron was meant to be essentially a therapist for the primarchs and his task would have been to prevent the heresy
Angron would challenge every single person in the room to trial by combat.
He would then ask why everyone is acting like that will help you.
Alpharius will replace the jury with his own men to get a hung jury.
Alpharius replaces the judge with Omegon who is actually Alpharius while Alpharius who is actually Omegon is acting as the defense.
Naw he would replace the jury and the judge with himself, somehow being in all places at once
Then ask the accused to guess which one is real for shits and giggles
@@robrockstar9648 they just guess randomly and get it right lol
Then when the trial is over, it is revealed that person put on trial was Alpharius
tts dorn: yes, i shall defend this man (proceeds to build wall around the suspect)
like lorgar is a piece of shit but he was literally designed to be the negotiator primarch, if anyone sees you cleared of charges and venerated its him.
You think Dorn would be a good lawyer? He doesn't lie! The moment you tell him that you actually did it, your fate was sealed.
He might get you off on technicality, because he can cite all the obscure by-laws that come together to make murder perfectly legal at the time and place it occurred.
Now I can’t get the image of the Khan hitting the griddy in the middle of a dead silent courtroom out of my head!
I heard that while mopping at work and I had to stop and catch my breath from laughing so hard
angron: “the accuser and defendant should have a fair trial. OF COMBAT!”
XD By the God Emperor there are so many so good comments under that video, i am dying
Then you realize the Imperium itself is the accuser.
Guess its a good thing you have Angron right there to get you in with Khorne immediately.
Fulgrim gave a speech so good that it moved the Emperor, he’s getting that man venerated
I think Perturabo would be found innocent on a technicality to show off to the emperor just how smart he is and that he could find a strange and roundabout way to have the case thrown out using a contradictory set of laws that were written many generations apart that were stored on the bottom of a sectors worth of paperwork and legislation.
Perturabo would see every single flaw in the persecutions argument and disassemble it in his head like a car
He would disassemble the judge, jury and lawyers.
@@fishyboy2140Physically
I’m imagining all these guys were fighting, then the ship ran out of fuel, so now they’re just making tier lists to pass the time
The whole podcast is just a Space Marine, a Ork, a Night Lord and a Plague marine passing their time on an empty ship because fighting has no use/you wouldnt be able to fight anymore if everyones dead XD
I feel like if Sanguinius was your lawyer, it would be like Jesus walked into a court room and said you were innocent. Immediate holy ending.
The man's tears sprouted flowers from Baals dead soil. I'd say his mere presence would swing it his way
Alpharius: "your honor, my client couldn't have killed the man. For you see, my client IS the man he is accused of killing!"
Alpharius would be the exile ending. You'd arrive at court, only to discover the Judge is Alpharius. The Jury is also all Alpharius. They still judge you guilty because Alpharius likes to win in the most convoluted ways possible. As you await execution, two guards come to your cell. They are also Alpharius. They smuggle you off world to an Alpha Legion ship. You think you're out of the woods, but suddenly the Alpha legionnaires turn their bolters on you and fire. You wake up in what seems to be a new body, your former body dumped in an alley back on the planet.
It is at this point where they reveal to you that you are an Alpha Legion sleeper agent.
This is a lie.
They did all this because Alpharius is kind if a dick and thought it was funny.
This is a lie.
You are actually a piece in a game far more important than you could ever imagine.
This is a lie.
The Alpha Legion then blows your head off again for seemingly no reason.
Least convoluted Alpha legion plan
This is was a lie.
I am Alpharius
I love the Alpha Legion
alpharius wouldnt even show up to court and would get you venerated by implanting proofs the judge is a xeno infiltrator and would make everyone think you got rid of him as he was about to murder pepole and that the accusation was to cover itself
Real talk, the moment a Primarch walks in as your defense lawyer, you are already innocent and venerated
Or skinned alive
Especially for The Lion or Sanguinius. The second they enter the jury all scream "Not Guilty" with half of them shitting themselves & the other half enraptured in their mere prescence.
Yeah a jury is probably going to side with the god man that just walked into the room bathing them in their primarch aura.
Lorgar, charismatic orator desperate to impress daddy? Venerated.
Objection! If Konrad actually believed you his vindictiveness would certainly help, he may even flay the accuser if he knew it was under false pretences
Also Magnus saves you, but it’s Magnus so it’s completely pyrrhic for himself and he loses his licence in the process
He somehow loses his license AND causes his entire Thousand Son staffed law firm to go under with no one involved ever able to practice law again
Council of Nikea Phoenix Wright crossover
Angrons a fun one, as if say you killed someone then you have either his favor or his disgust, theres a fine line there.
Yall got Alpharius and Omegon completely wrong, Alpharius would have sleeper agents in the court, have the judges house bombed etc to get you set free, while omegon would be doing the complete opposite for some arbitrary esoteric reason to get you executed. In the end the jurors either wouldnt know what to think or would all be executed or converted into sleeper agents anyways. So you would have Alpharius and omegon at opposite sides of the chart.
Judge: What is your defense for your client
Alpharius: I do, your honor. "I am Alpharius". I rest my case.
Judge: I see. Does the prosecution have a response?
Prosecution: We do. "I am Alpharius"
The camera pulls back to reveal the prosecution lawyer has been Alpharius the entire time.
Judge: In that case the jury will now convene.
The jury leaves and comes back a few moments later
Judge: Do you have your verdict?
Jury: We have your honor: we find the defendant "Alpharius"
The camera pulls back, revealing the Jury has all been Alpharius the entire time. The defendant has also been Alpharius the whole time.
Judge: Case closed. I find the defendant to be Alpharius.
The camera pulls back to reveal that the judge and everyone else in attendance is also Alpharius. Two Alphariuss enter and escort the defendant, who I must remind you is also Alpharius, out of the court room
Honestly I think Alpharius / Omegon would be 'doesnt make it to trial' just because he just ferries you off world before the trial then make you an agent.
Counterpoint, rogal would immediately announce you did it. Though he might make an argument that you’d have use to the emperor.
Also sanguinius would be similar to fulgrim where he’d just enter and everyone would go “OH NO HE’S HOT” but he’s less obnoxious and egotistical so I’d rank him higher.
What a nice little channel, i hope you guys grow big cuz you have nice banter
Dang. Thank you
Man, you guys are too great. Fulgrims case was funny. Skönt att köttbullen reppade svenska språket.
Thank you very much man! Ja för fan måste ju representera med nationalrätten B )
S tier thumbnail, dorn always goes so hard in fanart
The great Khan gets annoyed at the judiciary and bureaucratic process and just.. leaves mid hearing, and refuses to elaborate further
I mean he did negotiate with some of the clan heads on chigoris, I had thought that would lend to being a fairly skilled negotiator.
Fulgrim gets you venerated, convinces the jury you are a hero of the Imperium, and has you installed into the planetary leadership. Alpharis will black mail the judge, jury, and victims family; get you venerated then turns you into a servator for lolz.
I kind of disagree with Lorgar, he could get you innocent and venerated because that’s basically what he did with the lectitio diviniatus
Honestly Dorn wouldn't get you off charges if its JUST to impress Big E if he knew you did it. If Big E outright told him its your mission to clear this man's name then best believe you would somehow get you found innocent through sheer tenacity.
I think that Alpharious planned the whole murder just so that he could defend you to the perfect effect.
Fulgrim has no knowledge of law? He reigned over a whole planet
Doing Lorgar dirty...
I honestly think the lion would get you found innocent and venerated because he is doing this to impress daddy and thus he will go above and beyond to get that outcome
Angron, you will be found Innocent & Venerated, but you will also be dead along with everyone else but the judge in the courtroom when he loses his first objection. Corax is definitely the guy you gets you out of it on a technicality. Robot Girlyman would definitely get you out on a Technicality, but because of all of the Girlyman reasons, you are going into conscription. Magnus gets the hell ending because he argues the case perfectly...for laws from another system on the other side of the galaxy and you are made into a janitorial servitor on a hospital ship. Alpharius new category, it doesn't go to trial, you are instead installed as Governor and the former Governor is tried and convicted for your crime, Best Ending.
Magnus would do exactly what he did at Nicea. In other words, show up, and instead of actually defending you, he would go: "Let me recite to you my favorite fabel!". This would of course end with you executed as he completely missed the entire assignment.
I think, Alpharuis/Omegon would kill the judge and take his place while the other one is the lawer.
30:00 Mortarion would 100% try to be honest and convince everyone that you doing it was good, but end up just projecting his own reasons for wanting to kill people.
The jury is left a little disturbed, plus he smells bad, you get sentenced
I would like to tell the jury even if I am found innocent I will do it again the moment I leave this court room
Magnus the Red would be a great Lawyer the only issue is that Russ will break through the doors and murder you, with the doors he just ripped off the hinges just to spite Magnus
I'd like to add, that Fulgrim, upon being introduced to the meager number of legionaries, he gave a speech so rousing and moving that the Emperor was brought to an emotional response, renaming the 3rd legion The Emperors Children.
Over all great stuff, keep it up fellas!
Lorgar will get u venerated cuz he convinced a space marine that he should forsaken the emperor in less than a minute so he'll convince the judge of ur innocence
He also has the strongest Primarch aura as well. The judge and jury would probably half worship the man even if he didn't make that good of a case and he definitely would.
Interestingly, one could argue that this sort of happened with Gulliman and Cawl. Not necessarily in a trial setting of course, but the whole notion of rewriting or reinterpreting laws that allowed Cawl to perform his "heretical" work of innovation far more unrestrained.
Leman would want you conscripted right out the gate. I mean you proved you are at least good at the killing might as well put you on the front lines to wage a good war for the All-Father. He might even just take you to the front lines before the trial even happens.
I’d argue Lorgar would get you venerated, this man made planets part of the Imperium through sheer speech craft, without one bolt fired, he’d absolutely get you venerated.
Dorn would get you guilty in a second. On the account he can’t lie worth a damn, he’s no amoral enough for the job.
simple : do not tell him if your crime is the truth, he cannot admit it, then he'll have a concrete solid defense and make you enlisted or exiled
Dorn can lie really well and has to the primachs in the seige.
If it was like a vigilante killing, Konrad might aprove.
37:58 Actually, with regards to this statement as a said Blood Angels fan, I would agree that good ol Sang would have a really hard time trying to lie about the case. He's best boy sure, but that's why he wouldn't get you excused and instead make sure that you get the most mercifully just scentence.
Damn this is beyond brilliant 😍
Khan would make a successful jury nullification argument, because he is definitly the libertarian primarch
The lion as the loyalty is its own reward secret stuff primarch is going to do some shady shit behind the scenes with the juries family, then either kill you, or everyone else in the courtroom depending on what he thought would make dad happy. Then after you are venerated, just disappear.
Magnus would have that amazing speech you were talking about only for the judge to tell the jury to discount his testimony and then rule that all lawyers are banned, except for the necessary ones for prosecution.
Nahhh man, im not a big fan of Lorgar but i think he would make the best lawyer of all of them. Some are competent, and some are charming, but i think most of them would have big qualms defending you if youre guilty and they know it, if we are talking about pre heresy primarchs.
But Lorgar would just convince himself that your murder was a good thing and would strive to convince everyone that you doing it was actually a god tier level good thing, and would get you venerated. Flawed as he was, hes always described as Emperor level charismatic, its his one good trait, dont take that away from him!
28:00 nah Magnus would study law, practice his oratory skills, deliver the mosts sound legal reasoning combined with the most inspiring speech, but end it with '' And that your honor, is why my client is innocent, but youre all too stupid to realise it '' and then everyone gets embittered by that last comment and you get executed
If Russ REALLY wants to win the case, he would throw such an epic party the night before that the whole courtroom would have tremendous hangover for a month. So he would be the only one sober enough (although still drunk) to make something resembling a proper argument during the view.
I think ferrus would convince them that your fully capable of killing and send you to the guard
Love hearing about IKEA while working at IKEA
You guys ever going to put the podcast on Spotify
Dorn would absolutely refuse to misrepresent the truth for the sake of the trial. Neither would he be willing to use loopholes or contradictions in the law to get you off on a technicality. If you're innocent he'll make sure you're found innocent and nothing more. If you're guilty he will enter a guilty plea on your behalf or walk away from the trial.
Once again the khan is overlooked
Angron would get the case thrown out on technicality i think. Easily able to shut down any arguments with a personal style nobody else would consider "So who's gonna tell Angron he lost the case? Nobody? Alright mistrial."
I strongly disagree with them on Magnus. Surely the Great Red Bookworm would go over every single legal document with a magnifying glass, hunting down any possible loophole.
That’s the kicker though, Magnus will think he’s made the best case but he’s so far up his own ass it only makes sense to him and everyone else doesn’t quite follow.
34:00 ngl, not to be the akshually guy, But Dorn literally cannot lie, hes too autistic, so he either gets you venerated or youre guilty, but he aint convincing anyone youre innocent because thats lying
Angron would just run up to the judge and hug him
Remember papa sang convinced the emperor to allow religion on his planet if you can convince big E to say religion is OK then you could convince a judge to find himself out of order.
My take on Rogal Dorn if not for you admitting guilt to him he would have gotten you found Innocent. However since you admitted that you did it to him, he would not find you innocent. In fact, I believe you would get the bad ending with him in this instance.
Why are you astartes so anonymous
I absolutely love the irony that Magnus is lower on the list than fucking Angron
Memes aside but you guys know jack shit about the personality of the Primarchs.
its not that the lion didnt show up... he's just slept in another 10,000 years... he'll be here... honest.
I feel like lorgar would of been innocent and venerated…
Corvis would get you off but the kill you himself.
As a huge Warhammer nerd, I must say that you guys are clueless 🙈
owo