PRIMARCHS AFTER DARK | Astartes Anonymous Podcast #1
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- čas přidán 30. 06. 2024
- Four blundering fools attempt to create a tierlist exploring how proficiently the Primarchs would theoretical copulate.
Welcome to the first episode of our podcast where we explore whacky shenanigans within the Warhammer 40K Universe. We hope that others will see this description in the future and note how far we've come! Please enjoy!
0:00 Intro
0:40 New Farsight Model
4:55 New Lawtomata Bot
9:31 Vashtorr Rules
15:47 The Primarchs After Dark
I liked the part where they bullied the brit
Yeah it was so inspirational. Ona side note, death to beans on toast
@@knarflemmuk beans on toast are only good when you are hungover or starting to feel hungry again after being sick for awhile
@@RatKingDelta no beans are disgusting in general, and even more so if they're white beans and especially more so if they are ruining the glory of perfect toast
@@knarflemmukthis man has never enjoyed beans on toast. He has no room to complain.
How much of a wetwipe do you have to be when you're upset by beans 😂😂
Worst part of perturabo? The whole time he's going "Iron Within, Iron Without." Just to keep his rhythm
Are you kidding? That’s the best part, it’s like a bedroom fight song!
Why does this seem like a damn rhythm heaven minigame 💀
Angron: All the angy h8 fux.
Magnus: Seduces you with poetry in a dead language, may or may not be all talk.
Roboute and Horus: Competant, but no oomph.
Rogal: Stale, but good with his hands.
Lorgar: Too pious to even think of it.
Vulkan: The most kind, compassionate, generous, gentle lover there is.
Jaghatai: Savage, but decent after care.
Mortarian: No.
Alpharius/Omegon: Every night's a surprise.
Fulgrim: Kinky as literally all hell.
Ferrus: Toys, toys, toys.
Perturabo: The poor man's Rogal.
Corvus: Too much edge.
Leman: The most drunken of drunk sex.
Lion'El: Too paranoid to think about it.
Sanguinius: The gentleman's Vulkan.
Konrad: Fucker beware.
Mortarian and Conrad would kill you the second you try anything.
You’re in for a scare
In defense of Rogal Dorn: He is an extremely guarded individual. If you got him to bed, it would be through trust and proven worth. So it could potentially end with tender and passionate missionary from the man who carried the Emperor to the Throne. But post coital clarity would likely end with him wallowing in self criticism.
I wish I could not read
23:27 maybe it's just the fact that I'm a Salamander simp but, it borderline doesn't matter how good Vulkan is because A. You KNOW that man loves to snuggle after, B. His aftercare is UNMATCHED, fuck waking up to him making you breakfast, you'd wake up to an 8 course gourmet breakfast and, a college fund for your whole ass family
Ah a fellow Salamander fan
@@fallouttoonlink VULKAN LIVES
@@Scrombo2 🤝
@@fallouttoonlink don't get me wrong I like other chapters/legions etc but, kindness is in short supply in the 41st millennium
@Scrombo2 yes. I agree, may vulkan's wisdom and kindness follow you forever
The paper on the sword says:
Whoever lifts this Sword, if he kicketh Ethereal ass, shall haveth the power of the Greater Good
It should also be noted that Sanguinius has exceptional stamina, even for a Primarch, because he had been fighting for DAYS before he went to fight Horus, and during that time he fought a Bloodthirster in single combat and won. So he's going to go the distance in bed. Plus, sexy vampire aesthetic, angel wings, and he can see into the future, so he can be an absolute tease if he wants.
Also he can see the future and will know exactly what to do/
But a Woman should consider staying clear from Sanguinius during that time of the month, unless she enjoys feeling like a Capri-Sun.
@@grSuchtie19 This just reminds me of Leman Russ saying "Daemons of Khorne are gonna eat ya out like ice cream sandwiches once your Red Rage begins" in TTS
Night Lord Man is right, some women -- aka me and all seven other female fans of the VIII Legion -- are into innocent little meow meow types like Konrad Curze and his sons. Also Bo should 100% be on the same rank as Mort and I'm saying this out of love. I mean, I'd give them a chance if it wouldn't kill me (it would).
Ayyyy, I was wondering where the rest of the Night Lords girls are!
Wait, you're telling me there are other NL chicks aside from me, myself, and I???
There is a specific subset of woman whose type is "God's saddest, wettest beast"
@@falconstudios146 this is the funniest shit
Amazing restraint with the Lion. No rock jokes
"He is in fact the cuddling master."
NEVER HAVE TRUER WORLDS EVER BEEN SPOKEN ABOUT MY FORGE-MASTER VULKAN!
I think Rogal, Guilliman and Sanguinius are one tier too low. I think Rogal is your average trad man that knows a thing or two "by the book", and if he's in the mood -- he's pretty Competent. Guilliman, on the other hand, is a poster boy, master of diplomacy, and has to be Exceptional -- not out of passion like Khan or Vulkan, but rather because of his burden. And Sanguinius has to be a God, since his chapter is trying to turn any primal urge into the finest art form
I certainly agree with your Guilliman and Sanguinius synopsis! And your ideas about Rogal certainly make sense too. We sadly got swept up in the memes of it all :) . - Tom
Concerning Farsight's sword at 1:40, the blade is a warp or Necron blade that gives him the life force of those he kills so I doubt the blade will change looks
Ferrus Manus would love to explore the mysteries of your flesh, once his father’s crusade is finished.
But until then, he'll leave you to make do with the machines that's done him well so far.
You forgot that leman russ had multiple wives that he genuinely loved
Also Fulgrim. Before the snake-sword obviously.
@@nicodeangelo5842 I would be a little surprised if it was after
@@thexplazer6549 let’s be serious in the warp everything happens so god knows what kinds of impossible horrors happen
@@thexplazer6549that's called mind break. One of my favorite tags, BTW.
You forgot about Ferrus's greatest strength. His head game.
I. Am NOT okay with Fulgrim being a "sex god". The man is far too narcissistic to care about anybody else's desires.
Thing is, he craves approval and admiration, so giving someone (or several someone's) a night they cant ever forget seems to be something he would love to do.
Narcissistic, yes. But thats why he's so good. He's going to make sure its the best sex you've ever had because his ego wouldn't settle for anything less.
Very funny, please make more or I will cry
They are asking the real questions.
Sanguinius can see the future, he would be able to tell exactly what you want and do them before you even ask
Angron was really nice to the navigator.
I think ferrus would be ecceptional because ferrus looks like he just gives off MAD himbo energy
I like how the playlist is backwards it starts with the newest
Saw your latest episode but before watching decided to start at the beginning. Best decision. Instant sub.
Didn’t know I needed this, MORE!!!! Please
Thank you for the support! Keep an eye out for the new episode tomorrow B )
The night lord being like "that's crossing some lines" is hilarious to me
The Khan I agree with the night lord again and he's also right about Konrad the man just needs some hugs and some cuds; kinda same with Angron. The twins its either that actual twins or their marines but I'd score them higher. Leman needs to go higher than Ferrus because yes Dom me daddy. Magnus yeah pinned perfectly, same with Vulkan (minus the beans on toast), Lion agree with, Horus 100% vocals, Ferrus yeah hardware Sanguinius is about the aesthetic and the feeling safe (agreeing with the Ork also on the red river), Perterabo is 100% just needs aftercare and affirmation that it was good and yeah he is defo more involved just make sure to remind him that it was good. Gulliaman needs to go in lower Exceptional.
Morty I disagree with everyone with the absolutely unfuckable I think it's more of Not sure why, he's actually got nice hair apparently but its more so the fact yes he's a bit bitter and his lungs are kinda messed up.
Also yes pining after the potential of Angron always hurts
There is absolutely no circumstance where the Gorgon is a satisfying fuck.
Not only won't YOU finish but he won't even bother to try and get HIMSELF off before he just leaves the bedroom
35:59 Yeah, The Lion, based on who he’s based on, doesn’t like women as much as he hates himself for who he is inside
You put the ultamate sub under the ultimate hate fuck. Lewd.
The lion: THE Jack of ALL Traits
He would be one of the best shags for sure, but that would require him to lose his virginity, and The Lion never loses.
30:40 There's this bit in American Psycho where Patrick Bateman's fucking two women and he looks in the mirror and flexes and smiles at himself. That's Fulgrim.
37:37 oh y'all literally bring up that scene lmao
9:14
That's my image
THIEVES
Thanks for your service 👍
The only one’s mic who hasn’t changed is Moots… Never change Moots. Never change.
Bruh i just found this, i love this
"Some people are into that kinda guy" sounds like youre into that kinda guy
During the heresy: Horus shot porn for money, Sanguinius shot porn because someone told him it would help with morale, Fulgrim created the industry
Sanguinius is basically Angron and fulgrim combined
Came for vulkan, stayed for beans on toast.
24:39 as a fellow Brit I have to agree. A full English with a cup of tea makes him an exceptional shag, if not a sex god. However with the caveat that it HAS to be morning sex.
Ok so new fan, but big fan. I found this podcast on CZcams like 2 weeks ago. Listened to one of the latest ones. At first, I was like wtf are these guys talking about? Then, after 15 minutes, I realised they are exactly like my old warhammer friends growing up. Your content is really helping me and giving me solice during a hard time in my life. I decided to start from the beginning with you guys and watch Ep 1 and was so delighted to find that the only thing that really has changed is your recording quality. xD You're a nice seeming bunch of dudes who are really lucky to have each other and this endeavour. While I'm a little bit jealous and forlorn thinking about my old crew hearing you guys talk shit, it also genuinely warms my heart. Please keep this going, and I'll happily join the patrion and discord.
the lion is legally required to be aeroace i refuse to believe he would ever want to fuck
also here me out Perturabo totally has a soft spot that love and affection brings out, i can fix him guys i swear and then we'll win the heresy even better cause we'll have a happy and appreciated peter turbo
Dunno if this might change Angron up or down for anyone but that is gonna destroy u and leave u looking like a dropped strawberry milkshake, just a splatter of pink froth on the ground
The only pro to mortarion is that he’s a moth
Am I the only one who sees 9:31 Reggie gigas
At last, Perturabo is better than Dorn at something!
Angron sounds like a bratty sub.
Just before 6 mins did you make a Fnaf vhs film reference?
First
I believe the best candidate for the highest rank is the Primarch of the 2nd legion. Try to dispute it, I DARE you.
1:40 It's supposed to be Necron, so no.
vulkan and guilliman can tag team me roughly
Wait were you kitten in if yhe emporer had a text to speech device... or am I misunderstanding that
A Bri'ish?!