I have since childhood withdrawn and become this "lone wolf" not because I wanted to be alone all the time but because I never had any walls as soon as people got close to me. So attaching to people has always been a painful experience of completely losing myself.. I'm now trying to slowly let people in while practising boundaries, but it's very difficult.
I'm in that place, too. Slowly learning to make attachments with good boundaries. Gradual process which necessitates emotional fluency! My work with emotional literacy is crucial to this process.
I've done the lone wolf thing for so long that the desire for intimacy/connection seems to have disappeared altogether, which is actually a considerable relief. I now feel free to focus on myself to try and sort things out. My adult relationships were only ever a distraction from feeling the pain of my childhood trauma and kept me from confronting the lies about who other people said I was.
Thanks for sharing what I realized was my experience as it touched me so deeply. I am not great at summarising anything, but this...along with your later reply to someone is the summary of all that is me. Thanks for this awareness. 🙏🏻❤️
@@primsandwhims7533 the big HOWEVER...first you must knock on that Jesus door, for Him to come in. That is what this really means: Your moral boundaries together...and whole bunch of GREAT things happen.
Many years ago, I listened to Eric Clapton speak at an AA meeting, immediately following oral surgery, where he received implants to replace his bad teeth. He went on to describe his addiction to sugar, which began as a toddler, as the culprit. He discussed how the sugar made him feel and why he liked the feeling, and how it helped lead to his lifelong battle with alcohol and drug addiction. The story of his troubled childhood and the role that sugar played in it, was so familiar to me, and made so much sense to me, but I never fully understood why. Richard's interpretations of codependency and attachment have helped me to make sense of all of this in my own life. As simple as it may seem, understanding these issues and concepts, when applied to one's own life, can be very confusing. Although I am very happy to have this information and understanding, now, I have paid a very dear price for being without it, for so long. Listen and pay attention, young people, and please don't let these self destructive behaviors take over your lives. Ignoring them will catch up with you, without doubt.
@@ShazGreenock It depends if Clapton wants people to discuss it or not. But without asking him or knowing what his position is, it's best to err on the side of caution and not mention him by name.
Thanks for your time and attention😊. I'm working on my emotional flashbacks and am keenly aware of my lack of boundaries. I'm in my 70's so I'll be working on that for the rest of my life, and that's okay. I have learn more from you about who and what I am, than anybody. Reading Pete Walker's book too. Thanks again, sir.
I have found that the spiritual path cannot even be walked unless we have first built healthy Boundaries and have a stable Identity. I always said the buddhas teaching takes you from ignorance step 1 to step 10 nibbana, but if you grew up in an emotionally abusive envirionment you start on step -1, -2 or -3. If we grow into adults boundary-less and enter the spiritual path we have no coordinated grasp of what it is we are supposed to be detaching from and where we are supposed to be heading, instead we are just running away so we get totally lost and end up realizing we are here to heal the trauma. There are many narcissists (serpents) pretending to be spiritual guides, partly for this reason. It’s when you learn that your trauma wants to be healed and life is always bringing you situations to re-awaken it, so you can feel him/her and heal him/her. And that’s pretty beautiful. Many of the spiritual seekers I’ve met suffer from a lack of felt self-compassion, what you feel for others must first be felt for yourself and your life.
After living in fear for most of my life and after my mum died, I knew I needed to get well, firstly I had to help myself, so I did, and life is slowly getting better👍🏻
I understand. My dad passed in January of 2019. It has been horrible getting used to being alive without him. The thing is, losing him made me finally have to deal with how much of a mess I've been for YEARS. I was emotionally numb and checked out of life for a while. That ain't no way to live.
I've been watching/listening for as long as I have because there's always more to learn and more layers to get through. I find a whole lot of insight here on this channel. Not to mention better understanding through your metaphors and sense of humor. Thanks Richard.
Let's be clear. Although a drug, marijuana when used responsibly can be a temporary help with specific symptoms for specific reason. If it is not used to repress or deflect, it can be very beneficial with: racing thoughts, insomnia, hunger. Too much of ANYTHING is no good. Everything in moderation. My bias is strictly anti pharma. I do recognize that pharma has its own special use for special reason, I feel like ALL pharma should have an exit strategy from day one,never use life long (excluding life threatening illnesses and issues) Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.-tao
Would you say taking antidepressants is escapism? If you drink yourself to the dumpster then maybe, but i think some addicts take drugs because they see benefits in their life, but later on it bites them harder than they expected.
@@Huelogy i meant just for getting back into life, getting out of the rut or something, thats more of a benefit than staying in that cloudy depressed state. But you can stop taking them. If i go to the gym or take a pill is there really a diffrence? The gym is safer and healthier, but the gym can be an escapism aswell. If a person avoids something for a long time are they addicted to escapism?
Interesting analogy with the vampires. The guy who abused me was obsessed with Dracula and Elizabeth Bathory, he was essentially a goth type and he converted me to dress and act and listen to similar music as him, assimilation. When I left him, and I started regaining my life essence, I almost right away hated the music, dressed back how I used to before being with him, etc. And it FELT when I was with him as if my life force was being leeched out if me.
Yeah, I joke that vampires suck. This dude wanted me to read his depressing vampire novels and got mad at me if I did not wear black. Also I was to like his crappy depressing music on themes of harm. I spoke up. Discard! Then he started a group that lived together to be safe from evil. I kid you not. After all I went through, that is what knocked me out of the trance. No vampires.
He WAS sucking out your life force. They literally LIVE on other people's energy. It's gross. You sound like an empath. Good job getting away from that creep! Peace and blessings. 💖🙏
What’s also so true about that metaphor with vampires is when you’re healing the last thing you want to do is go outside and get in the sun! One becomes totally agoraphobic during the healing process and repelled by the sun until you heal and then you crave the sun. It’s odd how these people actually look daemonic when you see them once you’ve healed. They are gray and there’s no life and they always look and sound so disgusted and angry. I can remember thinking what did I say or do or am wearing to be treated with such disdain. These people totally know how to provoke the people pleasing channel until you recognize that you can change to a different frequency and never be triggered by them again. They are very scary and dangerous people. What a great video.
Green Healing Well there is or was something inside of you that agreed to let your this outer transformation happen. There is no way you would just have changed your hair and dressing style „because he made you do it“. Something at that time was appealing to you and that’s why you agreed to assimilate. You need to take responsibility for yourself at that point in time, the part that was willing to take part in this kind of abusive relationship for a prolonged period of time. I knew a person long ago that was and still is a singer in the goth realm. He used and abused girls and women as long as he was in this scene, that means around 2 decades. He dresses like a vampire kind of style and surrounds himself with „mystery“. A certain type of women was and still is drown to this person like flies to the light. He took tons of girls in for one night stands and also had some „longer relationships“ in which the women changed from being a cute nice quite normal looking persons to submissive sex „goddesses“ in bondage outfits. It was disgusting to watch, and he did it over and over again. These women were discarded on a regular basis. They knew it would happen because that is how he had always behaved. And let me tell you, that guy totally ignored the girls/women who he SENSED would not fall for his performance and his bs. He KNEW who was willing to play his game and who not, only from the look of the woman, her body language and her demeanor. He knew beforehand who he should approach and who not. Crazy thing his, no on ever accused him publically of being a mental abuser and a sexist, what truly he is. There were and there still are women waiting in a line to get sucked the whatever out of them by a grown up man that dresses as a sm-vampire since 20 or more years. Women who I‘m sure see themselves as „strong“, „independant“, „free“.
@@katana5562 - I disagree. I think most people have no clue wtf is going on, why they do what they do, or why they are attracted to a narc until they get into therapy or happen to go into psych for a degree. I did BOTH and STILL had no clue my ex-husband was a narc... it was too painful for me to admit it. No one wants to see that dynamic in their own relationships. I knew my ex for over 30 years before I figured out he was a narc. I finally put the pieces together when I saw narcissism in my latest LTR and started doing research to confirm it. Yes, everybody does have to take responsibility for their behavior - but when does the narc? They knew EXACTLY what they are doing - and NO - most co-dependents don't. They simply think they are nice people getting shit on. It's far more complicated than that. Once you KNOW you are a codependent, or you KNOW you attract narcs, YES, then it is your responsibility to fix your shit. Before that point - you are a helpless child and I have so much empathy for you...... cuz the minute you hear the word co-dependent, your world changes.
You are 💯% right, the dis-ease is all about feelings. Great session, What I do know about feelings, is they don't last forever... As you've said this many times before, get over it and do the work.. Healthy self compassion... Peace
Why do you have to be so painfully accurate with your explanations Richard Granon ? xx truthfully it is so healing !!! And helps a lot ! Thank you sir XX
10:30 Sunlight kills the vampire Sunlight being the truth, in open public, their lies and intrigues do not work in the open when they burn in the light of truth.
@@RICHARDGRANNON I've learned the importance of caution re: How, when and to whom to tell the truth. Be very careful, survivors! Remember, your own personal safety must be your #1 priority at all times. I'm so very grateful to you, RG for this wealth of understanding and support for survivors like myself to begin to thrive. No therapy I've ever done has been so transformational. However, in one to one therapy it's possible to tell your story, to get it out there and be heard. But for the guidance part, what I can DO to get through the mess and into the light, following RGs instructions gets me past the story and onto the healing path. I can't thank you enough for helping me navigate a way back to wholeness. I'm still in the thick of it, but my North Star is always there. Keep shining!
At journalism school in USA, we learned about the Sunshine Laws that make it easier to get information about a government organization, how it makes decisions, spends money, etc., especially information that was previously secret and how to make "Sunshine Law requests" for documents otherwise kept hidden from public view.
Just wanted to clarify, I agree that telling my full truth has been a necessary step to take... Just that when I did tell, the entire "narcissosphere" rained down upon me with fire and brimstone, accusing me of everything "They" were doing to me and to others. They even dragged me through a painful court proceeding. They actively worked to turn everyone against me. Friends and family all were led to believe that I was the one doing the things the malignant NPD was actually doing. It's the most painful thing I've ever been through. Still working through the aftermath, with the guidance of RG's courses. Now working diligently on my own codependence which was so bad that it led me to offer myself up as the sacrificial lamb, allowing the vampires to lap up my blood with impunity. I now pursue healing from Complex Trauma Response, and recovery from codependency as my full time job. That's how I spell self-care! I don't study narcissism any more because once I truly "got it" that they didn't love me, that they had Always used me as a scapegoat, had trained me to sacrifice myself for their benefit from day 1 (from conception), that was enough. Then, once I learned how to spot NPD and to avoid these individuals, I turned my attention 💯% to my own healing. Even posting here I'm risking backlash, as my profile is public. But I have some tools now, and am starting to put the pieces back together, so will know what to do if (when) they come after me again. I thank the entire Richard Grannon community for the mutual support. Please keep on learning and growing alongside me! This community LITERALLY has been a life-line, as it was touch and go for a while there.🙏💝
That was great Richard , hugely codependent and only realised 8 weeks ago . It’s a journey and your videos , expertise and your enthusiasm break this down in a way I can finally see . Working on my emotional literacy now . Thanks Ian
No boundaries equals no real identity. Know yourself, be authentic (true to yourself) ... give yourself permission to live as you ought to because no one and nothing else can do it/be it for you. Why is that so hard for most human beings to achieve whether they are codependent or not... ?
It's exactly how our brains work. Not simply in human relations but in cognitive function, discoveries, self preservation... It's not a bad thing but can be faulty or good in relationships.
Been watching since 2016 and know most of your material. I had an emotional flash-back this morning and quickly did the five fingers. The sister that supported me through my CPTSR and all of this died on August 31st, 2020 and we put our yellow lab down that day also (13 years old and the best dog ever and I miss her tremendously). You are so right about codependents. I think 74 is a great price for your course for codependents. I am just a bit messed up right now though. Thank-you for saving the rest of my life.
I'm sorry to hear of your losses, truly. I've been grieving some heavy losses lately. I use Michael Sealey and Jason Stephenson meditations, guided self hypnosis, and solfeggio and binaural soundbaths to help get through processing the emotions. For me it really helps. They're here on CZcams
“Codependents don’t know how to say no, saying no can lead them into an emotional flashback.” Finally it makes sense why I cannot say, “no.” Thank you!
I absolutely loved that you spoke about the concept that some people and even coaches suggest on being egoless with no boundaries and without attachments in this world. I can understand and value spirituality very much, I understand how we need to become aware and bring balance to our attachments but as someone who tried to completely lived by these concepts for a while, I can say it did not help me in protecting myself from the reality of this world (evil and good) and I ended up in deep pain. Thanks to your courses I have been able to truly move forward in my healing journey, I am forever grateful. While on this subject, could you please consider talking about another spiritual concept that I have heard of a lot... Loving without conditions or attachments in romantic relationship. Is this even possible to do as we are wired for attachment and what will be the difference between a condition and a boundary? Thank you, Richard!
I have been discussing this on my channel lately too. I was seeing it in how feminism has been hurting women. As you put it “a giraffe trying to be an elephant”... what a shame that would be and how painful it would be. Such is the woman trying to be a man... check it out
I just found your channel. The infection you are talking about is very real. I’ve done a lot of work on myself in the past 5 years. The first year after I divorced my narcissistic husband was absolutely excruciating. I’m sure you understand. To make matters worse we have a son together who just turned 18 and is not doing well at all. In fact my ex husband sent me an email a few days ago stating that he used our son as leverage to intentionally hurt me and stress me out and make my life as miserable as possible. I was so appalled that he didn’t care about using our son and all the damage he caused him just to avenge himself. Then again.... that’s what narcissist do. I am a co-dependent in recovery. Until recently I felt the need to save my son from his narcissistic father all the time. :( I will take a listen to your other videos and possibly your courses.
If I don't put walls I feel like shit but if I do I feel guilty. So I'm training myself to say no and feel good about not letting anyone enter my castle without permission.
Another beautifully put video! So now I must fawn to you sir! 😂💯 I like how you are sprinkling these types of videos throughout your channel. Super helpful and straight forward, much respect. 💪🏽🕵🏽♂️☯️🙏🏽👁️
Damn. Dis me. I am so glad I've found these channels on narcissism and codependence. Especially during quarantine I've recognized my Mildly Fucked Up Family dynamic, and how I am both a victim and a perpertrator in it. It's insane how I see such qualities of the narcissist AND the codependent in myself. BOUNDARIES. My word of the year. It's okay to have them.
Richard. I swear. Every time I listen to you I get some sort of idea that’s been faintly fluttering around the recesses of my mind connected to another thought and electrified and brought out into the light which leaves me internally gasping at the new thoughts and how much sense it makes...... a brain-gasm as it were. Keep being you. It’s needed more than you know.
So much truth in 30 minutes. Thank you, Richard. I sat and cried today and actually processed it WHILE CRYING without the least bit of resistance, shame or fear. Not even a desire to deal with it later or avoid it. This EL & EF work is mind-blowingly effective. I think I'm almost ready for Summon The Self.
Richard, Again, it’s TRULY frightening how well you imitate Sir Anthony Hopkins from “Silence of the Lambs”. Just a bit of humour in the midst of a very serious topic. Thank you for taking the time to cover this and assisting us to increase our understanding of it. Best to you, Belle 🦋
Oh...I have to say the narcissistic relationship itself is addictive but I've never used drugs alcohol or food to deal with any pain I felt. I cried a lot, read up a lot and hopefully faced it head on. Wasn't easy!
2 Things here. 1. I would love you to be my brother & 2. I want you to be my brother, haha - Loved this talk, thank you Richard, you're a super cool man.
Two things: he kinda reminds me of my brother (except for the cool Aussie accent!), my brother is a therapist. He does on-line therapy, by Skype. He's done it for years, though, not because of the lockdowns. Huh. Maybe that's why I like Richard, cuz he reminds me of my brother? Lol!
FOOD! I feel like I self deny, and am denied so much that DAMMIT I'm gonna eat something I want. Zero boundaries and letting everyone in. The only way I could effectively stop that was during my bodybuilding days. I made myself look tough so fewer people approached. I'm the only one who knew that "I'm not ALLOWED to say no." I remember the clutching distress of being with someone and learning that they wanted to do something that took all my time, was probably going to damage my life and keep me from the things I wanted. Because I was fused, they dictated the direction of my life. This gets really confusing when 2 or more people are in your life and you can't say no. When their desires conflict and you can't tell anyone no.... omg. I get really confused with this, because as much as I had no boundaries, no walls, and felt unable to stop ppl from using me and walking off unscathed, I was getting accused of hurting people???? I suppose I did b/c I would take until, without thinking, my body would rage. That's happened probably 4 times, and of course, that's when counselors would see me. Thanks Richard, for being the person who says "This is hard, but you gotta do it! YOUR LIFE depends on it."
This was wonderful! I would love to hear about persons who build up so much of a wall (usually attempting to make their self description of 'boundaries') that they don't let ANYTHING in (an analogy to a friend was that it was like a castle with absolutely no windows or doors!) That's the women and men my age I'm encountering anymore.
When you are hurt very badly. You cannot let that happen again, ever. It would mean certain death. My ex used drugs as a means to control those around him, including myself...there will be no repeats, I f I must stay alone, then so be it...
@@marygirardin5300 Indeed, I feel similarly. After a lifetime of choosing poorly, I haven't been in a romantic relationship for 13 years. I'm not against it, just haven't had occasion to meet a compatible man.
Hey, that sounds like me!! I built a false persona to "protect" myself after being involved with a couple abusive men. I put a damn moat of crocs around my castle, too, lol!! My persona even got a nickname. I drove my ex-bf nuts cuz he could never get close to me. I was always come here - go away - come here - go away, lol!
I’ve been struggling so hard with this bro. It gets so fucking difficult to manage sometimes. But then I realize I’m still improving, it just feels like I’m not because of the cyclical and repetitive involuntary behaviors and responses that has been sabotaging me from getting relationships with people. I used to just base my relationships on selling and using drugs. It’s like having to totally relearn everything in life, but worse than that, the unlearning and untangling of the thought patterns and impulses that cause adverse and involuntary behaviors and responses which are totally undermining me from developing meaningful and intimate relationships. It is so fucking difficult but I’m not going to quit. I’m going to keep going and searching and working on it until I get my breakthrough. It will come with enough persistence and proper recalibration. There’s a book called “The Body Keeps the Score” I’m reading that’s been good thus far. It’s just been super difficult to change the core behaviors stemming from traumatic events during childhood that drove my drug and alcohol addictions. In time it will keep getting better.
❤ Don't give up. You're not alone. I've never had a healthy relationship, every guy has had an addiction of some type and I had my own trouble with alcohol (drank as escapism or to numb out). Went from an emotionally abusive relationship to a psychologically abusive relationship and then my life pretty much imploded. I wrecked my car, life spun out of control. But it's getting better since I decided enough is enough and started setting boundaries. The pandemic has given me a chance to have space and get some clarity. I'm looking forward to the rest of my life and if that means not being in a relationship, so be it. I wish you all the best. You're obviously smart based on what you posted.
No thirst yet.Thankful I´m not a junkie. Thanks again for the safty equipment. Bounded and "charmed" by and thru Handmnemonics...Thank goodness I became and I´m very judgmental now. Finally.🙏🏼💃🏽😋
I think that a great many codependent people can help themselves by truly understanding the inherent tendency to make constant value judgments about other people, ideas, philosophies and folks they admire. It takes hard work to be yourself without having ones boundaries flooded by other persons opinions and values. I think that one has to build ones own castle and own perspective on life and be brave enough to change along the way in gratitude and with a critical approach to ones own thoughts and others - good stuff Richard 🙏🏻
@richardgrannon TY for using the castle analogy for internal and external boundaries. Many of my dreams have to do with houses, rooms in houses, and neighborhoods around houses. Just now putting together that these dreams were my subconscious working out boundary issues.
I've been building up the walls brick by brick for quite a while before I started to listen to S.V and R.G. Back then I didn't have the capacity to see that the floor I was standing on was sh*t. 🙏
Helpful as always! My emotional flashbacks are reducing and I’m able to be terrified of my emotions. Before I was completely in denial that they even existed. Progress.....
Adoption of the 80/20 rule in my business life transformed it and I never fully understood why until now. I was establishing boundaries which as a co-dependent SLDD was a big deal. One advantage of being a SLDD is we attract people towards us all the time which is good for business. Being selective about who we do business with is all about establishing boundaries. So important and yet it is a lesson that most business owners never learn to their enormous detriment. Your best video yet and I think I may have watched most of them by now. Keep up the good work.
I like the cut thru the bullshit, down to earth and raw explanation of things. Definitely been called out to some self reflection in this video....admittedly drinking is a struggled coping mechanism. Thank you for your videos and way they’re delivered
This was excellent. Messy encampment for sure--embarrassingly so. Emotional flashbacks are reduced, but I'm trying to not fear the changes that are coming. Thank you.
Thank You. This was an amazing learning experience and helped me understand my own lack of boundaries in a comforting and educational way. This felt like a personal coaching session that I would have never been able to afford on my own. Thank You!
Perfection. Yes I am agent Starling. Do not approach the glass...when will they make a cellphone using plastic instead.of glaaaassss! I SHATTERED the glass!🤔
i like the way you first explain everything about what do you mean with boundary and at last 5 minutes you say your opinion on drug and boundaries, it helps to the person with addiction stop and listen to you and then maybe think about it
I'm afraid I'm a very co-dependent person who's realize his partner of 20 years is a narcissist but I am not looking for sympathy or pat-on-the-back this is my own damn mess that I cannot even untangle my mind from from so many poisonous thoughts bouncing around inside my mind for so many long years. Five marriages and all of them ending badly, like I said I've never been looking for sympathy just a few kind friendship from a few individuals that will listen to me and be there when I need them. I said to hell with sympathy... thanks for your videos my dear friend, they've been very helpful to me.
@@aredoodriguez-unoz-antos6221 I guess if you want to see me as an awful person and call me a narcissist and not a co-dependent, I guess I'm whatever you see me as. Hope you have a very wonderful day.
Why would you assume a random person you don't know on the internet wants to see you as a bad person? And why would you assume I'm labeling you a narcissist? And why would you assume that a narcissist isn't a codependent? Or that a codependent isn't narcissistic? And I'm having a great day actually :) thank you. I wish you a great one as well
@@aredoodriguez-unoz-antos6221 sounds like you looking for a fight or an argument and you did somewhat call me a narcissist and I'm not saying a narcissist can't be a co-dependent or a co-dependent can't be a narcissist but usually it's one or the other sorry you feel like fighting causing drama for no reason. But I've been codependent all my life and I'm just over it I'm over kissing people's asses people-pleasing time to please myself that's just how it's going to be I know that sounds selfish but sometimes if you want to break free from codependency you have to be somewhat selfish
Bloodpoisoning is used as a colloquial term for septicemia. And septicemia is a real killer. 18 months working in intensive care under my belt. Good metaphor! Especially because without skin the body loses fluid extremely quickly even without an infection taking place.
Dear sir, in the 70's there was a trend in housing, in Dutch called "doorzon woning" sun through house, sort of translates to it. They were houses were one could look through the front window all the way through the house to the gardenwindow in the back. No boundaries. Very telling of that time period.
it struck me as you were speaking that you are also describing the dynamic typical of the votaries of mono-theistic religions (cults). It is also true that liberalism also aggressively promotes weak boundaries (and perhaps that's why it holds so much appeal for those who have weak boundaries).
Wasn’t going to click because I thought drug addiction was irrelevant to me. Glad I did, as always the Philosophy is bang on. The explanation of attachment, meaning; very clear. This is a goodie. You also explained Buddhism clearly in ten seconds. I’ve been to so many lectures, but there were always big missing bits. Lots of pennies dropped. I also now understand my repeated ad hoc interest in Buddhism. Really useful. Thanks.
When you described a true codependent you have very accurately said my name. One of the last things I told the sacristant at the church that employs me as volunteer is "I form attachments with inanimate objects". She answered "Alright." And you are right, that my household was beyond criminal. You are right that I have only ever known pain and abuse, and worst. I used to say that by being kind I put the weapon in people's hands with which to hurt me. But that it is their choice to do it and I would never hurt someone the way that they did. Because you met me and all my trauma in your description, I hope you won't be shocked that I said "No, no, no" as you advanced through the video. "I will". "Shut up." I pondered flying over to Prague just to throw little balls made out of scrunched napkins at you. I wished you would shut up. I wanted to fight your ideas right in your face. To stand there and debate the truth beneath them. The video went on till the end. Here's the follow up. Thank you for giving this subject attention that aims to be constructive.
Married 22 years to N. N adoptive mother, passive father. Healing slowly but grateful to learn more here and share with my therapist in States. Thank you. God bless you for all you are giving to an invisible community.
Thank you for providing me with an explanation as to what's wrong with me all these years I get it. I have a hand numonic memorized and am working on the emotional literacy exercises.
You're a f*cking genius Richard. Seriously. Have been listening to you for years and it's been so helpful. This video and the Vampire analogy is next level stuff. Thank you.
RE: Dukkha - While I take your meaning and agree, in working to further refine the concept, there are a few more nuanced points that stand out to me. The first is the element of transience. Craving and clinging to ephemeral things, due to misapprehension, aversion, or delight, is bound to end in dissatisfaction and loss. In the spirit of ‘this too shall pass’, I think it is helpful to understand that, for better and for worse, everything is impermanent. I try to gear my expectations and responses accordingly, and work to soundly choose my battles (or sacrifices, or high hopes...) within this framework. I find this helpful in responding proportionately to circumstance and in managing internal boundaries. The second, more relevant point is in the excessive quality of attachment, not the attachment itself. We need to connect, and to cede certain freedoms (particularly the freedom to harm others or disproportionately exploit common resources, or even to tacitly condone such). However, we need to find the sweet spot on the golden mean to keep these connections aligned and in balance. This is where the castle metaphor helps in managing internal and external boundaries. Few people would wish to live in an empty castle, but even fewer should want to invite roving hordes in for a nice bit of pillaging. This helps illustrate and define a measure of the greater good, and puts responsibility back on the sovereigns. I think these finer points shift our notion of dukkha from, “life is suffering,” to “life is as much suffering as you invest in it for as long as you invest in it, or it can be a process of un- (nir-) binding (vana).” This is why I like to define it as excessive clinging to transient things in a way that binds us, and through this bondage gives rise to suffering. Almost all of this work comes back to freeing ourselves from predominantly self-imposed bondage, and these ideas have some considerable practical value in that effort. Thanks for highlighting the concept, and for giving rise to my semantic digression (this helps me to refine my own thinking).
I just started watching your videos and I don't even know how to watch them when they're live because I'm a computer illiterate but they resonate with me and I'm going to keep watching and learning and hope to escape the hell I'm in. I lost my only child 3 and 1/2 years ago. He was hit by a truck and the day after he died my very own narcissist decide to slap me across the face over a missing pepper shaker in the kitchen. I'm still in this hell and you ar my lifeline. No pressure though. Lol
😭😭 Now it makes sense, was always beating myself down, why, why didn't I listen to that little voice, it was there, I stayed even though it destroyed me😔.
You're videos gave me a LOT OF insight in whats wrong with me... It's very difficult to find this information for yourself in books but i tried it. I suffer from addiction and it explains a lot. Great work! THX Greetings from Austria ( the worlds only exporter of true Egomaniacs.... ;-) ).
I have since childhood withdrawn and become this "lone wolf" not because I wanted to be alone all the time but because I never had any walls as soon as people got close to me. So attaching to people has always been a painful experience of completely losing myself.. I'm now trying to slowly let people in while practising boundaries, but it's very difficult.
I'm in that place, too. Slowly learning to make attachments with good boundaries. Gradual process which necessitates emotional fluency! My work with emotional literacy is crucial to this process.
@@jessicadora7213 Same..
I've done the lone wolf thing for so long that the desire for intimacy/connection seems to have disappeared altogether, which is actually a considerable relief. I now feel free to focus on myself to try and sort things out. My adult relationships were only ever a distraction from feeling the pain of my childhood trauma and kept me from confronting the lies about who other people said I was.
Thanks for sharing what I realized was my experience as it touched me so deeply. I am not great at summarising anything, but this...along with your later reply to someone is the summary of all that is me. Thanks for this awareness. 🙏🏻❤️
Yes me too...I want to be around people and feel terribly lonely but feel venerable around people
The cruelest lesson
Life ever taught me,
No one is coming
To save you.
- Christine Starkweather
Thank you Richard!
I find it empowering
Jesus's is coming to save me and other Christians
Jessica Dora ...me too, take care of yourself.
at least you know that now and are not waiting for someone to do so
@@primsandwhims7533 the big HOWEVER...first you must knock on that Jesus door, for Him to come in. That is what this really means: Your moral boundaries together...and whole bunch of GREAT things happen.
I didn't have a door in my room, and the room wasn't really mine, but my mother's, castle with no walls indeed.
Many years ago, I listened to Eric Clapton speak at an AA meeting, immediately following oral surgery, where he received implants to replace his bad teeth. He went on to describe his addiction to sugar, which began as a toddler, as the culprit. He discussed how the sugar made him feel and why he liked the feeling, and how it helped lead to his lifelong battle with alcohol and drug addiction. The story of his troubled childhood and the role that sugar played in it, was so familiar to me, and made so much sense to me, but I never fully understood why. Richard's interpretations of codependency and attachment have helped me to make sense of all of this in my own life. As simple as it may seem, understanding these issues and concepts, when applied to one's own life, can be very confusing. Although I am very happy to have this information and understanding, now, I have paid a very dear price for being without it, for so long. Listen and pay attention, young people, and please don't let these self destructive behaviors take over your lives. Ignoring them will catch up with you, without doubt.
First time I have heard about sugar being a gateway drug :-)
AA is supposed to be ananymous.
@@CanoeToNewOrleans Well spotted. However, if he was invited as a guest speaker would that rule still apply? Asking for a friend.
@@ShazGreenock It depends if Clapton wants people to discuss it or not. But without asking him or knowing what his position is, it's best to err on the side of caution and not mention him by name.
@Susan Fiedler Triggered much? Get your doctor to adjust your medication.
Thanks for your time and attention😊.
I'm working on my emotional flashbacks and am keenly aware of my lack of boundaries. I'm in my 70's so I'll be working on that for the rest of my life, and that's okay. I have learn more from you about who and what I am, than anybody. Reading Pete Walker's book too. Thanks again, sir.
I agree zero boundaries addiction will follow.
I have inconsistent boundaries. Some are good, other places none. Like CZcams, lol. Working on it.
I have found that the spiritual path cannot even be walked unless we have first built healthy Boundaries and have a stable Identity. I always said the buddhas teaching takes you from ignorance step 1 to step 10 nibbana, but if you grew up in an emotionally abusive envirionment you start on step -1, -2 or -3.
If we grow into adults boundary-less and enter the spiritual path we have no coordinated grasp of what it is we are supposed to be detaching from and where we are supposed to be heading, instead we are just running away so we get totally lost and end up realizing we are here to heal the trauma. There are many narcissists (serpents) pretending to be spiritual guides, partly for this reason. It’s when you learn that your trauma wants to be healed and life is always bringing you situations to re-awaken it, so you can feel him/her and heal him/her. And that’s pretty beautiful. Many of the spiritual seekers I’ve met suffer from a lack of felt self-compassion, what you feel for others must first be felt for yourself and your life.
After living in fear for most of my life and after my mum died, I knew I needed to get well, firstly I had to help myself, so I did, and life is slowly getting better👍🏻
I understand. My dad passed in January of 2019. It has been horrible getting used to being alive without him. The thing is, losing him made me finally have to deal with how much of a mess I've been for YEARS. I was emotionally numb and checked out of life for a while. That ain't no way to live.
Happy for you y'all, we gotta take our power back
I've been watching/listening for as long as I have because there's always more to learn and more layers to get through. I find a whole lot of insight here on this channel. Not to mention better understanding through your metaphors and sense of humor. Thanks Richard.
I have definitely used drugs to cope with the abuse,trama,depression, anxiety, and fear
ADHD?
@L 0 V E & Gratitude- you are another self Agreed works 🙂
Let's be clear. Although a drug, marijuana when used responsibly can be a temporary help with specific symptoms for specific reason. If it is not used to repress or deflect, it can be very beneficial with: racing thoughts, insomnia, hunger. Too much of ANYTHING is no good. Everything in moderation. My bias is strictly anti pharma. I do recognize that pharma has its own special use for special reason, I feel like ALL pharma should have an exit strategy from day one,never use life long (excluding life threatening illnesses and issues)
Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.-tao
Addiction is escapism, from this world
Would you say taking antidepressants is escapism?
If you drink yourself to the dumpster then maybe, but i think some addicts take drugs because they see benefits in their life, but later on it bites them harder than they expected.
@@Huelogy i meant just for getting back into life, getting out of the rut or something, thats more of a benefit than staying in that cloudy depressed state.
But you can stop taking them.
If i go to the gym or take a pill is there really a diffrence? The gym is safer and healthier, but the gym can be an escapism aswell.
If a person avoids something for a long time are they addicted to escapism?
@@imnotoyougrounder3404 Good question, and when does it become escapism rather than somatically releasing tension in the body, mind and spirit?
@@camilagenevieve3390 I think enquiring as to pre dose intention and post high/escape/analgesia feeling(negativity/shame) are the answers
craiganthonyhill yes,agreed!! you get that "numbing effect"---in my experience 'shopping therapy', food, etc....fall right into that categorie, too
Didn't think I had any big a-ha moments left, but there ya go.
This man isbrilliant beyond beliefs
@@SkinnyGirl125 Get off your knees... It's not healthy.
I'm interested in codependents' relationship with food. I definitely use it as a quick emotional fix
"Be the thing that you are. " Very cool idrea. Like popeye lol, " I yam what I yam."
Interesting analogy with the vampires. The guy who abused me was obsessed with Dracula and Elizabeth Bathory, he was essentially a goth type and he converted me to dress and act and listen to similar music as him, assimilation. When I left him, and I started regaining my life essence, I almost right away hated the music, dressed back how I used to before being with him, etc. And it FELT when I was with him as if my life force was being leeched out if me.
Yeah, I joke that vampires suck. This dude wanted me to read his depressing vampire novels and got mad at me if I did not wear black. Also I was to like his crappy depressing music on themes of harm. I spoke up. Discard! Then he started a group that lived together to be safe from evil. I kid you not. After all I went through, that is what knocked me out of the trance. No vampires.
He WAS sucking out your life force. They literally LIVE on other people's energy. It's gross. You sound like an empath. Good job getting away from that creep! Peace and blessings. 💖🙏
What’s also so true about that metaphor with vampires is when you’re healing the last thing you want to do is go outside and get in the sun! One becomes totally agoraphobic during the healing process and repelled by the sun until you heal and then you crave the sun. It’s odd how these people actually look daemonic when you see them once you’ve healed. They are gray and there’s no life and they always look and sound so disgusted and angry. I can remember thinking what did I say or do or am wearing to be treated with such disdain. These people totally know how to provoke the people pleasing channel until you recognize that you can change to a different frequency and never be triggered by them again. They are very scary and dangerous people. What a great video.
Green Healing Well there is or was something inside of you that agreed to let your this outer transformation happen. There is no way you would just have changed your hair and dressing style „because he made you do it“. Something at that time was appealing to you and that’s why you agreed to assimilate. You need to take responsibility for yourself at that point in time, the part that was willing to take part in this kind of abusive relationship for a prolonged period of time. I knew a person long ago that was and still is a singer in the goth realm. He used and abused girls and women as long as he was in this scene, that means around 2 decades. He dresses like a vampire kind of style and surrounds himself with „mystery“. A certain type of women was and still is drown to this person like flies to the light. He took tons of girls in for one night stands and also had some „longer relationships“ in which the women changed from being a cute nice quite normal looking persons to submissive sex „goddesses“ in bondage outfits. It was disgusting to watch, and he did it over and over again. These women were discarded on a regular basis. They knew it would happen because that is how he had always behaved. And let me tell you, that guy totally ignored the girls/women who he SENSED would not fall for his performance and his bs. He KNEW who was willing to play his game and who not, only from the look of the woman, her body language and her demeanor. He knew beforehand who he should approach and who not. Crazy thing his, no on ever accused him publically of being a mental abuser and a sexist, what truly he is. There were and there still are women waiting in a line to get sucked the whatever out of them by a grown up man that dresses as a sm-vampire since 20 or more years. Women who I‘m sure see themselves as „strong“, „independant“, „free“.
@@katana5562 - I disagree. I think most people have no clue wtf is going on, why they do what they do, or why they are attracted to a narc until they get into therapy or happen to go into psych for a degree. I did BOTH and STILL had no clue my ex-husband was a narc... it was too painful for me to admit it. No one wants to see that dynamic in their own relationships. I knew my ex for over 30 years before I figured out he was a narc. I finally put the pieces together when I saw narcissism in my latest LTR and started doing research to confirm it.
Yes, everybody does have to take responsibility for their behavior - but when does the narc? They knew EXACTLY what they are doing - and NO - most co-dependents don't. They simply think they are nice people getting shit on. It's far more complicated than that. Once you KNOW you are a codependent, or you KNOW you attract narcs, YES, then it is your responsibility to fix your shit. Before that point - you are a helpless child and I have so much empathy for you...... cuz the minute you hear the word co-dependent, your world changes.
You are 💯% right, the dis-ease is all about feelings. Great session, What I do know about feelings, is they don't last forever... As you've said this many times before, get over it and do the work.. Healthy self compassion... Peace
found myself abusing drugs at the end of my nerc abuse. Im 4 days away from that and Im substance free and dont want.
Why do you have to be so painfully accurate with your explanations Richard Granon ? xx truthfully it is so healing !!! And helps a lot ! Thank you sir XX
10:30
Sunlight kills the vampire
Sunlight being the truth, in open public, their lies and intrigues do not work in the open when they burn in the light of truth.
The righteous of the Aten and the eye of Horus 👁
“And the truth shall set you free”.
@@RICHARDGRANNON I've learned the importance of caution re: How, when and to whom to tell the truth. Be very careful, survivors! Remember, your own personal safety must be your #1 priority at all times. I'm so very grateful to you, RG for this wealth of understanding and support for survivors like myself to begin to thrive. No therapy I've ever done has been so transformational. However, in one to one therapy it's possible to tell your story, to get it out there and be heard. But for the guidance part, what I can DO to get through the mess and into the light, following RGs instructions gets me past the story and onto the healing path. I can't thank you enough for helping me navigate a way back to wholeness. I'm still in the thick of it, but my North Star is always there. Keep shining!
RICHARD GRANNON Wow thank you Richard.
At journalism school in USA, we learned about the Sunshine Laws that make it easier to get information about a government organization, how it makes decisions, spends money, etc., especially information that was previously secret and how to make "Sunshine Law requests" for documents otherwise kept hidden from public view.
Just wanted to clarify, I agree that telling my full truth has been a necessary step to take... Just that when I did tell, the entire "narcissosphere" rained down upon me with fire and brimstone, accusing me of everything "They" were doing to me and to others. They even dragged me through a painful court proceeding. They actively worked to turn everyone against me. Friends and family all were led to believe that I was the one doing the things the malignant NPD was actually doing. It's the most painful thing I've ever been through. Still working through the aftermath, with the guidance of RG's courses. Now working diligently on my own codependence which was so bad that it led me to offer myself up as the sacrificial lamb, allowing the vampires to lap up my blood with impunity. I now pursue healing from Complex Trauma Response, and recovery from codependency as my full time job. That's how I spell self-care! I don't study narcissism any more because once I truly "got it" that they didn't love me, that they had Always used me as a scapegoat, had trained me to sacrifice myself for their benefit from day 1 (from conception), that was enough. Then, once I learned how to spot NPD and to avoid these individuals, I turned my attention 💯% to my own healing. Even posting here I'm risking backlash, as my profile is public. But I have some tools now, and am starting to put the pieces back together, so will know what to do if (when) they come after me again. I thank the entire Richard Grannon community for the mutual support. Please keep on learning and growing alongside me! This community LITERALLY has been a life-line, as it was touch and go for a while there.🙏💝
That was great Richard , hugely codependent and only realised 8 weeks ago .
It’s a journey and your videos , expertise and your enthusiasm break this down in a way I can finally see .
Working on my emotional literacy now .
Thanks Ian
Thank you Richard, you are a voice of reason!!
Your blue velvet Art Deco chair has you looking like you have wings Richard. Thank you, this video helps me continue to not be codependent 💕💕🇺🇸
This soooooooooo helped --- like a big huge light bulb -- thank you truly helped
No boundaries equals no real identity. Know yourself, be authentic (true to yourself) ... give yourself permission to live as you ought to because no one and nothing else can do it/be it for you.
Why is that so hard for most human beings to achieve whether they are codependent or not... ?
It's exactly how our brains work. Not simply in human relations but in cognitive function, discoveries, self preservation... It's not a bad thing but can be faulty or good in relationships.
Been watching since 2016 and know most of your material. I had an emotional flash-back this morning and quickly did the five fingers. The sister that supported me through my CPTSR and all of this died on August 31st, 2020 and we put our yellow lab down that day also (13 years old and the best dog ever and I miss her tremendously). You are so right about codependents. I think 74 is a great price for your course for codependents. I am just a bit messed up right now though. Thank-you for saving the rest of my life.
I'm sorry to hear of your losses, truly. I've been grieving some heavy losses lately. I use Michael Sealey and Jason Stephenson meditations, guided self hypnosis, and solfeggio and binaural soundbaths to help get through processing the emotions. For me it really helps. They're here on CZcams
@@jessicadora7213 - Thank-you. ❤
@@catlovesdogs1968 I edited the message, corrected the name and spelling of Michael Sealey. 🙏💝
“Codependents don’t know how to say no, saying no can lead them into an emotional flashback.”
Finally it makes sense why I cannot say, “no.” Thank you!
I would call that maturity. A beautiful dance between the lines; boundaries with others. Exeption: dog. ☺. Can't do no wrong, haha.
Dog as transcendent being of pure love 💫 rules for dogs is different
@@RICHARDGRANNON true. Not for nothing our best friends.
@@andreamagyar7776 - Remember dog backwards is G O D. They are our little angels.
🐶🐕🐩🆓💖🙏
@@isthisshit4real ☺
I absolutely loved that you spoke about the concept that some people and even coaches suggest on being egoless with no boundaries and without attachments in this world. I can understand and value spirituality very much, I understand how we need to become aware and bring balance to our attachments but as someone who tried to completely lived by these concepts for a while, I can say it did not help me in protecting myself from the reality of this world (evil and good) and I ended up in deep pain. Thanks to your courses I have been able to truly move forward in my healing journey, I am forever grateful. While on this subject, could you please consider talking about another spiritual concept that I have heard of a lot... Loving without conditions or attachments in romantic relationship. Is this even possible to do as we are wired for attachment and what will be the difference between a condition and a boundary? Thank you, Richard!
I think this is a great question.
Amazing question I agree!
I have been discussing this on my channel lately too.
I was seeing it in how feminism has been hurting women.
As you put it “a giraffe trying to be an elephant”... what a shame that would be and how painful it would be.
Such is the woman trying to be a man... check it out
CZcams, Instagram, Facebook, snapchat, if your not buying the product, you are the product 🤫
I just found your channel. The infection you are talking about is very real. I’ve done a lot of work on myself in the past 5 years. The first year after I divorced my narcissistic husband was absolutely excruciating. I’m sure you understand. To make matters worse we have a son together who just turned 18 and is not doing well at all. In fact my ex husband sent me an email a few days ago stating that he used our son as leverage to intentionally hurt me and stress me out and make my life as miserable as possible. I was so appalled that he didn’t care about using our son and all the damage he caused him just to avenge himself. Then again.... that’s what narcissist do.
I am a co-dependent in recovery. Until recently I felt the need to save my son from his narcissistic father all the time. :( I will take a listen to your other videos and possibly your courses.
If I don't put walls I feel like shit but if I do I feel guilty. So I'm training myself to say no and feel good about not letting anyone enter my castle without permission.
You’re pixilated in the thumbnail with multiple hands just like your tentacles. Super galactic 🦑 energy in effect today.
It's a warm up for a new Tentacle Croissant tomorrow
Another dimension, new galaxy
Intergalactic, planetary 🪐
@L 0 V E & Gratitude- you are another self I can hardly wait for these three guys to, I'm still awake btw 😂
Another beautifully put video! So now I must fawn to you sir! 😂💯 I like how you are sprinkling these types of videos throughout your channel. Super helpful and straight forward, much respect. 💪🏽🕵🏽♂️☯️🙏🏽👁️
Damn. Dis me. I am so glad I've found these channels on narcissism and codependence. Especially during quarantine I've recognized my Mildly Fucked Up Family dynamic, and how I am both a victim and a perpertrator in it. It's insane how I see such qualities of the narcissist AND the codependent in myself. BOUNDARIES. My word of the year. It's okay to have them.
Totally resonate with "bringing people in to feel things for them." See it so clearly.
@RichardGrannon I love the fact that your shirt says your a "Limited Edition"! I whole❤edly Concur!!
You are something Richard!!! Thank You. As always, "thank you for YOU."
You're a gem Richard. Thank you.
Richard. I swear. Every time I listen to you I get some sort of idea that’s been faintly fluttering around the recesses of my mind connected to another thought and electrified and brought out into the light which leaves me internally gasping at the new thoughts and how much sense it makes...... a brain-gasm as it were. Keep being you. It’s needed more than you know.
Thank you for explaining the concepts so Simple anyone with a somewhat sane mindset should be able to grasp some of this!
So much truth in 30 minutes. Thank you, Richard.
I sat and cried today and actually processed it WHILE CRYING without the least bit of resistance, shame or fear. Not even a desire to deal with it later or avoid it. This EL & EF work is mind-blowingly effective. I think I'm almost ready for Summon The Self.
I loooove your sense of humour. X) Also love the vampire analogy: and yes, victims become partly vampire (if they survive).
Richard,
Again, it’s TRULY frightening how well you imitate Sir Anthony Hopkins from “Silence of the Lambs”. Just a bit of humour in the midst of a very serious topic. Thank you for taking the time to cover this and assisting us to increase our understanding of it.
Best to you,
Belle 🦋
Oh...I have to say the narcissistic relationship itself is addictive but I've never used drugs alcohol or food to deal with any pain I felt. I cried a lot, read up a lot and hopefully faced it head on. Wasn't easy!
2 Things here. 1. I would love you to be my brother & 2. I want you to be my brother, haha - Loved this talk, thank you Richard, you're a super cool man.
Two things: he kinda reminds me of my brother (except for the cool Aussie accent!), my brother is a therapist. He does on-line therapy, by Skype. He's done it for years, though, not because of the lockdowns.
Huh. Maybe that's why I like Richard, cuz he reminds me of my brother? Lol!
🙋🏼♀️ oh yeah. Raised with no boundaries. The thing that’s confusing is that THEY don’t see boundaries.
FOOD! I feel like I self deny, and am denied so much that DAMMIT I'm gonna eat something I want.
Zero boundaries and letting everyone in. The only way I could effectively stop that was during my bodybuilding days. I made myself look tough so fewer people approached. I'm the only one who knew that "I'm not ALLOWED to say no."
I remember the clutching distress of being with someone and learning that they wanted to do something that took all my time, was probably going to damage my life and keep me from the things I wanted. Because I was fused, they dictated the direction of my life.
This gets really confusing when 2 or more people are in your life and you can't say no. When their desires conflict and you can't tell anyone no.... omg.
I get really confused with this, because as much as I had no boundaries, no walls, and felt unable to stop ppl from using me and walking off unscathed, I was getting accused of hurting people???? I suppose I did b/c I would take until, without thinking, my body would rage. That's happened probably 4 times, and of course, that's when counselors would see me.
Thanks Richard, for being the person who says "This is hard, but you gotta do it! YOUR LIFE depends on it."
This was wonderful! I would love to hear about persons who build up so much of a wall (usually attempting to make their self description of 'boundaries') that they don't let ANYTHING in (an analogy to a friend was that it was like a castle with absolutely no windows or doors!) That's the women and men my age I'm encountering anymore.
Yes, that's me....so sorry
When you are hurt very badly. You cannot let that happen again, ever. It would mean certain death. My ex used drugs as a means to control those around him, including myself...there will be no repeats, I f I must stay alone, then so be it...
@@marygirardin5300 Indeed, I feel similarly.
After a lifetime of choosing poorly, I haven't been in a romantic relationship for 13 years. I'm not against it, just haven't had occasion to meet a compatible man.
Bonnie Lucas I get it. 20 years alone for me. Yes, control with drugs and alcohol!
Hey, that sounds like me!! I built a false persona to "protect" myself after being involved with a couple abusive men. I put a damn moat of crocs around my castle, too, lol!! My persona even got a nickname. I drove my ex-bf nuts cuz he could never get close to me. I was always come here - go away - come here - go away, lol!
I’ve been struggling so hard with this bro. It gets so fucking difficult to manage sometimes. But then I realize I’m still improving, it just feels like I’m not because of the cyclical and repetitive involuntary behaviors and responses that has been sabotaging me from getting relationships with people. I used to just base my relationships on selling and using drugs. It’s like having to totally relearn everything in life, but worse than that, the unlearning and untangling of the thought patterns and impulses that cause adverse and involuntary behaviors and responses which are totally undermining me from developing meaningful and intimate relationships. It is so fucking difficult but I’m not going to quit. I’m going to keep going and searching and working on it until I get my breakthrough. It will come with enough persistence and proper recalibration. There’s a book called “The Body Keeps the Score” I’m reading that’s been good thus far. It’s just been super difficult to change the core behaviors stemming from traumatic events during childhood that drove my drug and alcohol addictions. In time it will keep getting better.
❤ Don't give up. You're not alone. I've never had a healthy relationship, every guy has had an addiction of some type and I had my own trouble with alcohol (drank as escapism or to numb out). Went from an emotionally abusive relationship to a psychologically abusive relationship and then my life pretty much imploded. I wrecked my car, life spun out of control. But it's getting better since I decided enough is enough and started setting boundaries. The pandemic has given me a chance to have space and get some clarity. I'm looking forward to the rest of my life and if that means not being in a relationship, so be it. I wish you all the best. You're obviously smart based on what you posted.
Your speech is so deep I had to stop it now and then to digest its powerful message. You've helped me a lot! Thank you
Werewolves can be sociopathic brutes, uncontrollable by words and usually muscular bullies
... these days I am attached to my church: Holy Mattress at St. Pillow.
Can't do much of anything other than stare, listen, rinse and repeat.
That was a good one 👍🏻😊
You r a child of god and he loves you unconditionally
@@alanhunt2738 Thank you; that was very kind of you and I needed that...
No thirst yet.Thankful I´m not a junkie. Thanks again for the safty equipment.
Bounded and "charmed" by and thru Handmnemonics...Thank goodness I became and I´m very judgmental now. Finally.🙏🏼💃🏽😋
I think that a great many codependent people can help themselves by truly understanding the inherent tendency to make constant value judgments about other people, ideas, philosophies and folks they admire.
It takes hard work to be yourself without having ones boundaries flooded by other persons opinions and values.
I think that one has to build ones own castle and own perspective on life and be brave enough to change along the way in gratitude and with a critical approach to ones own thoughts and others - good stuff Richard 🙏🏻
@richardgrannon TY for using the castle analogy for internal and external boundaries. Many of my dreams have to do with houses, rooms in houses, and neighborhoods around houses. Just now putting together that these dreams were my subconscious working out boundary issues.
Thank you Richard. You help me so much
Thanks so much for doing this work💙💚❤️🙌🏼
Thank you for such an amazing talk, really enjoyed it 😊 now I have to start doing the work 😂🤦🏼♀️
I've been building up the walls brick by brick for quite a while before I started to listen to S.V and R.G. Back then I didn't have the capacity to see that the floor I was standing on was sh*t. 🙏
Helpful as always! My emotional flashbacks are reducing and I’m able to be terrified of my emotions. Before I was completely in denial that they even existed. Progress.....
Booom there it is! Thank you
Love the chair ....& of course thank you for the content👍extremely helpful!
"They'll never solve you." 🖤
Adoption of the 80/20 rule in my business life transformed it and I never fully understood why until now. I was establishing boundaries which as a co-dependent SLDD was a big deal. One advantage of being a SLDD is we attract people towards us all the time which is good for business. Being selective about who we do business with is all about establishing boundaries. So important and yet it is a lesson that most business owners never learn to their enormous detriment. Your best video yet and I think I may have watched most of them by now. Keep up the good work.
I like the cut thru the bullshit, down to earth and raw explanation of things. Definitely been called out to some self reflection in this video....admittedly drinking is a struggled coping mechanism.
Thank you for your videos and way they’re delivered
This was excellent. Messy encampment for sure--embarrassingly so. Emotional flashbacks are reduced, but I'm trying to not fear the changes that are coming. Thank you.
Thank You. This was an amazing learning experience and helped me understand my own lack of boundaries in a comforting and educational way. This felt like a personal coaching session that I would have never been able to afford on my own. Thank You!
Perfection. Yes I am agent Starling. Do not approach the glass...when will they make a cellphone using plastic instead.of glaaaassss!
I SHATTERED the glass!🤔
i like the way you first explain everything about what do you mean with boundary and at last 5 minutes you say your opinion on drug and boundaries, it helps to the person with addiction stop and listen to you and then maybe think about it
This topic explained exactly my problem. Thank you for the insight and a new beginning.
Yes. it's like we're walking around naked and people can see right through us into our inner thoughts.
Brilliant. Thank you 🙏
I'm afraid I'm a very co-dependent person who's realize his partner of 20 years is a narcissist but I am not looking for sympathy or pat-on-the-back this is my own damn mess that I cannot even untangle my mind from from so many poisonous thoughts
bouncing around inside my mind for so many long years. Five marriages and all of them ending badly, like I said I've never been looking for sympathy just a few kind friendship from a few individuals that will listen to me and be there when I need them. I said to hell with sympathy... thanks for your videos my dear friend, they've been very helpful to me.
Just need a few individuals to listen to you and be there for you when you need them? Sounds a tad narcissistic, wouldn't you agree?
@@aredoodriguez-unoz-antos6221 I guess if you want to see me as an awful person and call me a narcissist and not a co-dependent, I guess I'm whatever you see me as. Hope you have a very wonderful day.
Why would you assume a random person you don't know on the internet wants to see you as a bad person? And why would you assume I'm labeling you a narcissist? And why would you assume that a narcissist isn't a codependent? Or that a codependent isn't narcissistic? And I'm having a great day actually :) thank you. I wish you a great one as well
@@aredoodriguez-unoz-antos6221 sounds like you looking for a fight or an argument and you did somewhat call me a narcissist and I'm not saying a narcissist can't be a co-dependent or a co-dependent can't be a narcissist but usually it's one or the other sorry you feel like fighting causing drama for no reason. But I've been codependent all my life and I'm just over it I'm over kissing people's asses people-pleasing time to please myself that's just how it's going to be I know that sounds selfish but sometimes if you want to break free from codependency you have to be somewhat selfish
Have you been marrying your opposites?
Because there was chemistry and "opposites attract"?
You talk about all this with fun .i like it .you are doing a big job!.i am the queen of my emothions i have a big kingdom without a castle
EPIC analogy!! Thank You!
Bloodpoisoning is used as a colloquial term for septicemia. And septicemia is a real killer. 18 months working in intensive care under my belt. Good metaphor! Especially because without skin the body loses fluid extremely quickly even without an infection taking place.
A castle without a wall is a prison without guards and all the other inmates have weapons.
I had to hear that again...Hannibal lol! Thank you for initial laugh for the day ♥️ now time to listen!
Dear sir, in the 70's there was a trend in housing, in Dutch called "doorzon woning" sun through house, sort of translates to it. They were houses were one could look through the front window all the way through the house to the gardenwindow in the back. No boundaries.
Very telling of that time period.
Thanks 👍
it struck me as you were speaking that you are also describing the dynamic typical of the votaries of mono-theistic religions (cults). It is also true that liberalism also aggressively promotes weak boundaries (and perhaps that's why it holds so much appeal for those who have weak boundaries).
Votary - not a word I ever saw used before. Thanks!
Thanks Richard. Best one yet.
That was an awesome Lecter you channeled there >< you got the voice just right
Wasn’t going to click because I thought drug addiction was irrelevant to me. Glad I did, as always the Philosophy is bang on. The explanation of attachment, meaning; very clear. This is a goodie. You also explained Buddhism clearly in ten seconds. I’ve been to so many lectures, but there were always big missing bits. Lots of pennies dropped. I also now understand my repeated ad hoc interest in Buddhism. Really useful. Thanks.
When you described a true codependent you have very accurately said my name.
One of the last things I told the sacristant at the church that employs me as volunteer is "I form attachments with inanimate objects". She answered "Alright."
And you are right, that my household was beyond criminal. You are right that I have only ever known pain and abuse, and worst. I used to say that by being kind I put the weapon in people's hands with which to hurt me. But that it is their choice to do it and I would never hurt someone the way that they did.
Because you met me and all my trauma in your description, I hope you won't be shocked that I said "No, no, no" as you advanced through the video. "I will". "Shut up."
I pondered flying over to Prague just to throw little balls made out of scrunched napkins at you.
I wished you would shut up. I wanted to fight your ideas right in your face. To stand there and debate the truth beneath them.
The video went on till the end. Here's the follow up.
Thank you for giving this subject attention that aims to be constructive.
Thanks richies, great stuff!!
Married 22 years to N. N adoptive mother, passive father. Healing slowly but grateful to learn more here and share with my therapist in States. Thank you. God bless you for all you are giving to an invisible community.
Thank you for providing me with an explanation as to what's wrong with me all these years
I get it. I have a hand numonic memorized and am working on the emotional literacy exercises.
You're a f*cking genius Richard. Seriously. Have been listening to you for years and it's been so helpful. This video and the Vampire analogy is next level stuff. Thank you.
RE: Dukkha - While I take your meaning and agree, in working to further refine the concept, there are a few more nuanced points that stand out to me.
The first is the element of transience.
Craving and clinging to ephemeral things, due to misapprehension, aversion, or delight, is bound to end in dissatisfaction and loss.
In the spirit of ‘this too shall pass’, I think it is helpful to understand that, for better and for worse, everything is impermanent.
I try to gear my expectations and responses accordingly, and work to soundly choose my battles (or sacrifices, or high hopes...) within this framework.
I find this helpful in responding proportionately to circumstance and in managing internal boundaries.
The second, more relevant point is in the excessive quality of attachment, not the attachment itself.
We need to connect, and to cede certain freedoms (particularly the freedom to harm others or disproportionately exploit common resources, or even to tacitly condone such). However, we need to find the sweet spot on the golden mean to keep these connections aligned and in balance.
This is where the castle metaphor helps in managing internal and external boundaries.
Few people would wish to live in an empty castle, but even fewer should want to invite roving hordes in for a nice bit of pillaging. This helps illustrate and define a measure of the greater good, and puts responsibility back on the sovereigns.
I think these finer points shift our notion of dukkha from, “life is suffering,” to “life is as much suffering as you invest in it for as long as you invest in it, or it can be a process of un- (nir-) binding (vana).”
This is why I like to define it as excessive clinging to transient things in a way that binds us, and through this bondage gives rise to suffering.
Almost all of this work comes back to freeing ourselves from predominantly self-imposed bondage, and these ideas have some considerable practical value in that effort.
Thanks for highlighting the concept, and for giving rise to my semantic digression (this helps me to refine my own thinking).
I just started watching your videos and I don't even know how to watch them when they're live because I'm a computer illiterate but they resonate with me and I'm going to keep watching and learning and hope to escape the hell I'm in. I lost my only child 3 and 1/2 years ago. He was hit by a truck and the day after he died my very own narcissist decide to slap me across the face over a missing pepper shaker in the kitchen. I'm still in this hell and you ar my lifeline. No pressure though. Lol
Sooo totally spot on, as always!
😭😭 Now it makes sense, was always beating myself down, why, why didn't I listen to that little voice, it was there, I stayed even though it destroyed me😔.
You're not alone 🤗
As usual, articulate and thoughtful spashed with a bit of humor, all moving toward self-responsibility. Hope all is well, dear Richard.🙏❤️💪🏾
You're chair is fabulous! Mental health via interior design. :D
Yes, David! 💃
You're videos gave me a LOT OF insight in whats wrong with me... It's very difficult to find this information for yourself in books but i tried it.
I suffer from addiction and it explains a lot. Great work! THX Greetings from Austria ( the worlds only exporter of true Egomaniacs.... ;-) ).
My Grannon---SOO NEEDED THIS, this morning...TY!! INCREDIBLE S ALWAYS!!
(still waiting on you to come coach my life here in Alabama😎😏)
Very interesting. Thank you for takling about this.