Coping with being BLAMED by the narcissist
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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"Look what YOU made me do to YOU" said every narcissist.
Oh, the Spawn Point loved that tune.
âIf you didnâtâŠthen I wouldnât...So maybe you shouldnâtâŠâ Iâve heard that speech.
â look what you did to meâ after they hurt me saying false things blaming me. Is this narcism?
đŻ
oooh YES
People really canât understand unless theyâve been in a narcissistic relationship and donât appreciate just how exhausting and soul destroying it really is.
Agree wholeheartedly
True..
I'm with you!!!! I stayed at the party WAY too long,45 YEARS
@ruthe71
especially when our "love" is a vulnerability for their attacks. I wasn't even in a relationship with anyone in 2022, yet groups of narcs or toxic criminals or straight up evil unempathetic people used my son against me since I had normal maternal love for my child. Why do evil people attack our feelings of love and empathy? It's very destructive to their victims, even if when we try to show care and love for them, maybe that just reinforces their abusive degrading ways.
You are so right! Perfect words..exhausting and soul destroying.
The narcissist will blame you everything. Even things that they have done to you. They have a very unrealistic sense of holding you accountable for everything. And that is how you should know that youâre not dealing with a rational person. You always have to be more and do more. You always have to correct everything. They never have to step up to be a better person. Theyâre like an unruly child that never develops into an emotionally mature adult.
Speaking đŁ facts, they can't ever take responsibility for their selves. And it is always someone else's thought!
Perfectly articulated!!!
I totally agree with you or there just big successful kids that like hurting people and take no responsibility for their behavior. It's because caring about people is just part of that mask. I admit Ive messed up in the past. But they don't like to let you move on and get better. And then that's just part of their narcissistic behavior. They just don't want you to have anything better. Or really anyone to like you. They do a lot of plotting.
I absolutely agree! A petulant child that canât take any responsibility and throws tantrums until you bend to their thoughts and ideas.
"Look what YOU made ME do."
After so much struggles I now own a new house and my family is happy once again everything is finally falling into place!!
I'm 37 and have been looking for ways to be successful, please how??
Thanks to my co-worker (Alex) who suggested Ms Claudia Vecchi Nese .
She's a licensed broker in the states đșđž
After I raised up to 325k trading with her I bought a new House and a car here in the states đșđžđșđž also paid for my son's surgery (Oscar). Glory to God.shalom.
God is more than enough for us, and his mercy is new every morning. Hallelujahđđđâ„ïž
This one line is priceless...."Telling someone in a narcissistic relationship to try harder is like telling them to drain the ocean with an eyedropper." BEST line ever! When you are a survivor, once in a while you have to find the humor.â€
Narcissists love and live for taking you on a "First Class, Guilt Trip" and you paying for all the expenses.
The best thing I did in my life was walk away from a toxic family. Growing up in a toxic family system only taught me how to attract more of the same.
In my 60s, living & fighting many autoimmune diseases like hypothyroidism, sclerodema, IBS, celiac, and osteoarthritis. My life is peaceful and without drama now. Just how I always dreamed of.
Kudos for your courage. These families will destroy your health.
They always blame us. We always feel conflicting emotions with them. They feel hurt whatever we do. We end up hurting ourselves with trauma bonding.
Absolutely I always did as well with conflicting emotions, someone is always hurt by someone or something another has said or done in navigating a family or work environment!
They like hurt, pain, arguments and fights.
It keeps their mind from being alone with themselves.
Many have become kinda addicted to it.
@@LSMH528Hz They make you want to say sorry I didnt create the world, after your mind has had plenty of it!
How
Do we break the trauma bond
@@Earthether I couldn't do without a psychologist helping me to unravel it all that was long ago, he never used the term trauma bond back then, I read books he advised and hit the internet to research words I never heard before, It's not an easy process if it's a marriage with children.
When my narcissistic dad died 10 years ago, I thought it would end, but my sister just picked up right where he left off. I am so glad I found you because now I have peace and recognize it. Iâm 56 years old and I just couldnât take it anymore.
Same thing happened to me with my two brothers after my father died. No contact for nearly two decades, until one contacted me in 2022 telling me he had terminal brain cancer, and wanted me to know I have a young niece. It sounds awful but I felt like saying It's too late now, I live on the other side of the world. I felt guilt until I talked myself off the cliff again. I had to tell myself, it wasn't my fault.
Sounds like my family of origin: my father died almost 40 years ago and he has a great heir of his narcissistic personality style in my oldest brother. Needless to say, the contact is down to a minimum, especially after our mom died a few years ago.
My mother is the narcissist. My younger sister is the golden child. My younger brother the invisible one. I know it won't really be over after she dies. But I still wait for the day when she's gone.
@Armychick I cut out and ended all toxic relations, yet they had a funny way of sneaking back unwelcome all the time, even after a decade of no contact, even if one moves across the country and avoids relations. Why did your sis pick up where he left off? How were you able to find peace? I have not succeeded in being free from toxic family or any toxic local abusive person or social service worker who has tried to dodge accountability. Why did they go after our children and everything we loved for wellbeing? Since when was social services tasked to inflict such a major level of psychological torture attacks against their vulnerable victims of innocent children and families? They were supposed to protect innocent civilians, not drag us into whatever political and judicial battles they had among themselves. We didn't need any psych torture boot camp. @Armychick, how did you stop what you couldn't take anymore?
@@rosec6680What a narc thing to do. No contact and as soon as they have an illness they call you for empathy.
It is not the victimâs responsibility to try hard enough with a narcissist, nor is it safe. Nobodyâs asking if the abuser tried hard enough.đ
Even when they have nothing else to do theyâll find someone to blame for being bored.
Theyâll pick on something to provoke something
Or when they make a huge mess and say, âNothing gets done unless I do it myself!â And when I offer to help sheâd say, âNo. this is my stuff; I gotta figure out what to do with it.â Or another day, I ask, â What can I do? What needs to be done? ââŠI gotta organize the pantry.â I say, âwell, I can do that.â She says, âNo. Iâll do it later.â She gave a lot away when she got super-visibly upset when someone else heard me ask her what I could do. She said, âOh, idk. Iâm so overwhelmedâŠI justâŠidk what to do. I think Iâm gonna sit down and take a break.â As soon as I walked away she got back up to start againâŠbut these are the very least of my concerns. Itâs just slightly annoying.
I gave my absolute ALLLL. I drained my own soul and destroyed everything about me to make it work. You are right that I was STUCK and desperate to survive. I will NEVER allow myself to go through that again đąđą
This sounds like me
When I just read what you wrote, I thought, did I write that? đŻ % relatable!
Yes to all of that
So did I. I turned into a doormat for my narcissistic mother to walk on, and she still discarded me like a used tissue. It's almost a year since I went no contact. I'm actually happy...just glad to wake up each morning, glad to see how many small blessings I have. Whenever this happens to you, just be glad that it happened. Don't worry about how long it took to get there.
Dr. Ramani is the MENTAL HEALTH "WHISPERER".
Dr. Ramani is definitely spot on when it comes to identifying and explaining the Narcissistic personalities and behaviors, and how those who have had the misfortune of being deeply connected to one (or many) are made to feel, just for loving and/or caring for them.
@@carolzappa1804 đŻđŻâŒïž
@@carolzappa1804 just for loving and/or caring for them. Yes.
My narcissistic mother, controlled me with money, gifts and threats for 54 years, I finally went no contact and she has ruined my reputation with other family members and old family friends. She held that threat over me for years but I had to find the courage to walk away even though I knew sheâd do this because sheâs done this to so many others including all her blood family. Itâs been hard, it still is, however Iâm now free of her and thatâs priceless. Ignore the flying monkeys and live your precious life. Thank-you Dr. Ramani x
Good for you @Healtogethealthy
They're masters at smear campaigns. I'm gray rocking my narc mom and I'm sure she's trashing me behind my back. You have to learn to just not care and trust that other people will see through their charade.
Same. When I became financially independent, I didn't realize she was smearing me behind my back, with other relatives. Why? Because she could no longer control me with her money. Sam Vaknim says narcissists need four things: sex, supply (either narcissistic or sadistic), services, or safety. If you can supply at least two of these, they manipulate you into their "garage." If you only supply one thing, you are easily discarded. Once I no longer could be controlled by money, she saw herself as no longer getting "narcissistic supply" (admiration, adulation, adoration, praise), and so she started smearing me to relatives so that she could get "sadistic supply." She conned me out of so much money pretending to need help with house repairs (when it turned out she had the money), depleting me of funds in my efforts to keep her safe (since she REFUSED to downsize or move to a smaller and safer house). Now, she's depleted my money... I only offer "sadistic supply." It's heinous. I went no-contact. It's Machiavellian. And desperately trying to break this intergenerational cycle of financial abuse.
People that make you work in a reationship are never good partners. The ones that are always touting their love language saying you have to cater to them by giving them things constantly. They make you apologize for things you didn't do. They want you to make peace with them after they declare war only for them to start it up again and again.
Omg. So much of this.
My ex was the ultimate narcissist being physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. He gaslit me daily and would diminish all my hard work to make the relationship work. He enjoyed feeding off my emotions and would try to make me angry in order to blame me for his behavior. After we split he gathered all his flying monkeys(our friends of over 10 years) and turned them all against me, telling them I was crazy and unhinged. I still struggle with the inner voice that he planted in my head and the abuse I endured for so long.
It's like no one is neutral. They're with you, or they're against you.
So sorry. You deserve healing, happiness and health. He's a bastard
My story is exactly the same. Told I never did enough, sabotaged him, lying all the time BUT ask what I lied about, then he went on to something else I wasn't doing or not doing enough. It was exhausting. He took everything from me and somehow it was all my fault!
I am so sorry that happened to you!! Deserved and deserve better.
And me too me too. Even saying sorry that happened isnt enough for the betrayal and the confusion and complexity of emotions after. Hope you healing and youre healing. â€
Glad you got away from him. Continue to heal and grow. There is a lot of knowledge about them and you can win. There are tons of videos on this subject and many blogs where you can make new friends.
I tell anyone who asks if I tried hard enough to:
1. Get in there with the narc themselves and see how they like it
2. To f*** off!
I told my sister to F off. I had to say that to shut her down.
Great job, thanks!!!! I felt the same way,my fault, everything, for 40 yrs!!!!!!
You canât win no matter what you do. Iâm criticized gaslit invalidated shamed and blamed by the narcs/enablers, no matter how hard I try, how much I give, or whether I stay /go or whatever I do. It doesnât matter with some people. So tired of it. Working on rewriting my self narrative, keeping healthy boundaries, and finding safe people. Focusing on my life. Thank you Dr Ramani â€
I wish you all the best in your journey of healing! It is a tough road and a lot of reprogramming your brain to find and love yourself again. You will win over the narcissist! Just know you are loved by a community of people who understand your pain! â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž
These are the same types of people who will tell you, "If you're not successful, it means you are lazy and just haven't worked hard enough!" (And what that ultimately translates into is: "I am not going to support you in any way, no matter how difficult your life has actually been.") It really is like telling someone that they can fly if they flap their arms hard enough.
Sounds like Morgan Freeman & Phillip McGraw arguing how failed socioeconomic status is a choice.
SUGGESTION: the Adam Grant book 'Hidden Potential' - it's helped me realise that it's how far you've come from where you started more-so than where you currently are that shows your grit
I love this and you are so right! You can never do enough for a narcissist person. They donât see you as anything other than an emotional supply for their twisted thinking.
Yes...AND they expect you to work on THEIR behalf, while they suck the life out of you.
Self-doubt is a killer
Trying harder defined my life. You nailed it. Trying too hard is what destroys the relationship. It simply allows the other person to think they are in control. A big part of being on the road to recovery is when you can confidently say âI tried too hard.â
Omg I must be healing!!!!
Definitely true
I had a narcissistic mom and I gravitated to a terrible narcissist/ sociopathic marriage. I got out. I processed the drama/trauma from my mom and him. Iâve taken the time to heal and deal with my self sabotage from alcoholism and my own narcissistic tendencies. Things are different now. There is ongoing healing. Thank you for all your information, direction and support to the public who have been stuck and so injured in these toxic relationships. Kudos to you!
Prayers you find a way to heal. God would be a wonderful option đ â€
@@triciadreas9835 Yes, he/she is with me. Thank you!
How did you find peace???
Prayers are the best! Just talking to God, I feel like I have a great friend đ
@@susanzimmer1776 A lot of work but specifically after much therapy I did the 12 steps as written in the big book of AA, and it was in step 4, I found understanding, forgiveness and love. My mom has passed and I pray she has figured stuff out on the other side.
Itâs almost deafening to hear someone blame you for being abused or even accuse you of âvictimhoodâ after/during abusive narcissistic relationships. Iâve been blamed and told to keep trying. Itâs a passive, empty way to respond to a cry for help. It crushes the spirit and can impede healing. Especially when youâve put enough trust into someone to share your feelings and seek help to sort through it all. Though so true, all of the âworld doesnât understandâ goes out the window in those moments.
Literally happened to me over the weekend. It's so triggering.
Yup!
When I told a partner about my abusive older brother he said I must have deserved it. What small child deserves abuse?
I think years of abuse just make people less tolerant and ptsd makes people hypervigilant and aware of manipulative tactics also you really can't be as trusting anymore and need to re-establish boundaries even with people maybe you knew years earlier that expect you to be you but you are not the same anymore.
@@annalisavajda252 What you said about ptsd/people expecting you to be the same really hit home. I learned PTSD changed me while in school. I always learned quickly and enjoyed it. But after an assault tied into some undeniable betrayal by my narc parent, (at a time I needed support), I realized the impact of trauma. I read one page of a textbook so many times I lost count. I couldnât recall any of it. I didnât know to what extent, but reality hit: my brain had done some rewiring; I had a lot to process and wasnât the same. Thereâs grief. I burst into tears. I wanted so badly to move forward, and I really believed hitting the books was the ticket to getting back to âme,â but it felt like my brain wouldnât let me pass through without paying attention to that trauma. I burst into tears. Trauma changes us and everything. We get stuck. Hypervigilance sucks the life out of us if we donât set aside time to heal. Trauma doesnât just move aside for us. It requires us to reprioritize. And life looks different from there on out. Itâs hard to understand unless youâve been there. But we are resilient.
My mom told me I deserved it
This is one reason why Iâm constantly apologizing! I apologize for literally everything, even if I had nothing to do with the issue. My entire family on my mothers side are all a bunch of narcissists and I was blamed for everything growing up, and Iâm still âthe problemâ in their eyes! I have deep resentment for all of them because of this.
Any chance you can go no contact?
Oh my god the constant apologizing yes!
This is why I have acquaintances, not friends.
Realising that I have not had friends for decades is difficult to emotionally digest đą
..same
I've had enough to try hard enough. đźâđš
I've heard "Try harder." Also: "Unconditional love will work." I ask , "How would you like to jump into a cauldron of boiling oil?"
I think we are all touched by narcissism in some way, some more than others.
I was at a very low point in my life when the light bulb went off over my head and I woke up to the fact that there was something very wrong with a close relationship, someone I loved and trusted.
Trying to make sense of my feelings, I thankfully stumbled across one of your wonderful videos Dr. Ramini. I'm so grateful you share your knowledge, I'm so thankful for your empathy.
To those who don't understand how important your life's work is to so many of us, I hope they never experience the life changing anguish and sadness I have.
An acquaintenance once called me a quitter, "can't stick with it" for leaving after 10 years. I told him quite the contrary- I stayed WAY too long, and should have left after one year or less.
My ex was always angry about something. To fix that, she insisted that I needed to go to anger management classes so she wouldn't be angry anymore.
Ridiculous
It probably wasnt funny at the time you had to live it (at all), but it is pretty funny when you summarize it like this đ
I am still exhausted đ© the Mocking me was the worst.
My narc mother passed in Oct 23. Gaslit me and smeared my reputation my entire life. Her husbands and boyfriends would eventually leave, but I was trapped. As an adult, I moved away, went very low contact, etc. She moved to my city, stalked my associates and smeared me again. She even started a relationship with my kidsâ neighborhood piano teacher of all people & repeated her pattern,of smearing me. She was very inappropriate with my husband on repeated occasions. She had a knack for collecting admirers and replacing those who backed off once they witnessed the truth. Therapy helped me somewhat, but it was unfixable. Things are better, but estate settling has revealed more betrayals and smears. I would never treat my children this way. Nobody understands or believes unless they have lived this horror. I send my sincere support and prayers for those experiencing this. Relief is sweet. Glad it is over.
Thatâs so traumatizing, Iâm so sorry she put you through that! Evil!
I was asked, "What can YOU do to make things better?" I never answered that question because my answer would have been, NOTHING. And that would have gotten me in more hot water. I'm so glad I'm out and I'm NOT going back for a 4th round! Yes, I went back 3 other times out of guilt, fear and loneliness. Not any more!
You nailed it.
I got the courage to divorce my ex 2 years ago, after 13 years of twisting myself into a pretzel to make him happy or convince myself that everything is okay.
He was furious and made himself out to be a victim to anyone who would listen. Especially our daughter, who has been damaged by this in ways I might not even be able to see yet. He's told her very intimate, private things about our relationship that no child should hear. He's successfully and in ways, unsuccessfully tried to alienate her from me. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion. I will, always and forever, be the bad guy. All because I left and refused to endure more abuse.
I feel your pain and what youâve been through! I am grateful to have not have had children with my ex, as I can only imagine the extra grief and suffering that comes with protecting your child. I wish you the best in your healing and raising your daughter! â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž
Our relationship ended 20 years ago through marriage guidance counselling and now he is trying to take my disabled daughter off me using government agencies, backstabbing and trying to put me down so he can make me look bad and win....does it ever end
Thank you for making this video. I tried harder for 50 years. It goes nowhere good.
You said it.
Thank you. Just had an argument with mine last night, and boy, did it go right along with this video. 25 years and I can't leave. I'm just realizing just how much these things are not normal.
Get out the first chance you get. Until then, go gray rock. It helps. You gotta protect yourself
Right? No matter what I did, it was never enough. Ever. When I tell people my mom is a narcissist and I was the scapegoat they go, "Oh" and just don't get it. They understand the word, but not the context. One of the worst enablers (family especially-my sister the golden child is the worst) are the, "But that's your mom!" arguments. But those of us who've had our childhood stolen from us, who've been made strangers to it, who've been totally alone in a house full of people all treating you with the same sneering contempt, we know...bad people have kids, too. To anyone reading this, just because they're a parent, you didn't and do not deserve to go through it any more.
What's really difficult is when it's your adult child and you never saw it. You just kept catering to them to make them happy. Then one day they are angry, have been holding grudges, passive aggressive for things you did or didn't do right years ago. It's insane. I realized I cannot do anything right, even though I have catered to her. The blame shifting and gas-lighting - OH MY! And then the condemnation with no chance of redemption no matter how much you repent and apologize for things you didn't even know you did or things you didn't even do, just to make this insanity go away. There is no chance of redemption and then the punishing and condemnation. IT'S HORRIBLE! Thank you Dr. Rama, and all the others I have listened to. I was going nuts. Our grandchildren are now being used as tools and weapons as punishment against us. Our daughter has been like this since her teenage years, I just never saw it. She rages at me when I say anything she doesn't like (to shut me down), and of course I cower. It's belittling and shaming. She lords over me and I have allowed this for years. But no more. Unfortunately, this means we have had to walk away from our beautiful grand children who loved us so much. I could even feel my daughters jealousy because her children loved us so much. It's so sick to use your children as weapons. As I look back now I see her lack of empathy, except for herself. I told her, a relationship like this is like navigating a landmine, you know you're going to get your leg blown off, but you just don't know when. I have lived in fight and flight for over 15 years with her. I just didn't understand my feelings at the time. The day she moved out of the house I was so relieved because I wasn't being screamed at anymore, and yes, there were times I would scream back. I just couldn't take it. She was better for awhile and then all of a sudden she just got worse after she moved farther away and I wasn't able to be there all the time helping. She makes up stuff she says I say and I know I wouldn't say that. Now that I look back she use to do this as a teenager and I would say in a joking way "Oh, that must be you're other mother who said that!" I believe she's been gaslighting me for years, I just didn't know what this was. She got everything she wanted, no chores, cars, trips and had to do nothing. Catered to her and she was ungrateful and disrespectful nearly all the time. If I could go back I would not do that again. I just wanted her to be happy. I wish there was more on narcissistic adult children. It's been a nightmare, I would not wish this on anyone. It's heart wrenching. We love our daughter, but man she is mean, and even her children shutter when she screams at them. In fact, when she was scolding us two of our grandchildren got up on my lap, I didn't even notice because I was so in shock from her behavior and in fear of the repercussions (which happened). The kids were either defending me or in fear of her behavior too. I hope someday she can change, I know it's possible, but she has to look at herself; and we all know that's not what they do.
I told myself to try harder. I was perpetuating my own harm.
Omg this is soooo true ! I lost 12 years of my life asking myself âdid I try hard enough?!â đą
Sadly, the only people who seemed to understand what I was dealing with end up being narcissistic. They would practically finish my story. Then try to take advantage.
I tried harder for 30 years, so I can take the blame for going no contact. My husband can deal with his mother without me and I enjoy not being in her presence.
Dr Ramani I could not figure out why my only parent my mother behaved the way she did towards me. You canât change who your parents are and avoid narcissism but you can work on becoming independent and get away from them. I was shoved out of the family at 15. Locks changed on the doors and clothes put in a trash bag outside the door after being physically assaulted . I was not on drugs, nor did I drink, made good grades in school, and had never had a boyfriend but this happened. At first it took me years to understand what happened but I eventually did. I survived and at a young age learned independence and feel now, thanks to your books and videos I know that I was better off out of that home and away from that family . Iâm safe with animals and stick to myself and work, and decided to NOT bring children into this world with half of a horrible family that I have. Why contribute to the craziness? But donât ever think you havenât made a preventative impact on us survivors. You have.
You are so brave and strong, and I hope you appreciate that. đ
Thank you for exposing this and opening others to understanding. đč
This is SO enlightening!!! I'm not the only one!!! đ
mine was ocd. i quit cleaning every minute of every day of my life and the complaining and criticism stayed exactly the same. it really freed up hours a day. and sanity. and life. am free now
Resolve to take MASSIVE ACTION.
ask someone close for help
Plan AND LEAVE
Thank you Dr. Ramani
Perfect timing. I just lashed out at my husband who keeps telling me to try harder with my toxic family. He just doesn't get it. I was just telling him that he's blessed to have his family who's nothing like mine. It's frustrating because he just keeps telling me that this should work or that should work but no matter what I do, NOTHING works!
I REALLY needed this validation. THANK YOU.
My husband used to be like that until he visited a few times at my narcissistic mother's house and came in for his share of abuse. Because he's a good guy and very respectful of elders, he put up with it, but he stopped telling me to try harder at improving the relationship. It still took the 2 of us decades before we cut her out of our lives. Don't defend yourself in front of your husband. Let him get to see your mother's horrible true self..it will eventually reveal itself.
I'm STILL being blamed & I divorced the narc 10 years ago. He can not take accountability for his fragile relationship w/ his adult children. Perhaps if every encounter w/ them did not entail harsh judgment & unsolicited lectures... they'd want to be around him.
I think the people who genuinely cant understand it can rightly be what we call privileged. It's really beautiful â€
As a child I was told to try harder not to upset my mother, but never was she upsetting me
I have been told so many times to be a better daughter, wife, etc. Gets so exhausting and the frustration is so ridiculous that you first want to run or die, then you just get crazy angry that they can say such outrageous things. I told someone of outright abuse and the person listening literally said, and what have YOU done to love HIM this week?! It always gets switched. "We broke ourselves trying" pretty much sums it up. I've cut everyone off as they don't understand. I have to talk in court cases to prove to myself I'm not crazy
It was ME ASKING ME âDid I try hard enough?â For over 6 Decades. They are all out of my life now and I still go back and forth. For me, I believe it is all the guilt I have been programmed with that I am trying hard to reprogram. When I do not feel underlying guilt, I feel light and happy with some energy to do things. When I feel heavy and in a freeze response, I have started to realize I am back in the guilt mode. Time to have a talk with self again! First I have to recognize, then have the talk and remember all I tried. Work in progress! Thank you Dr. Ramini, you always give me another piece to the puzzle. Bless you!!! â€
I still have nightmares where I try to please him and he doesn't validate me. I wake up feeling so ashamed for trying so hard and still feeling guilty and hurt. This video came on the right time. I did do more than enough, but for them it will never be enough. F it, im out and staying out. Thnx ramani for keeping us on the right track and taking away our doubts and for validating us. You really helped me so much in this in this process and im forever greatfull, because of your insights I finally understood what was happening and I found the strenght to break loose.
I have to thank you for popping up in my feed about a year ago. I didn't know about narcissists. My mother trained my daughter. Mom is gone, but my daughter learned everything. She threw me out of what was supposed to be my forever home when I was 73. I was forced to move 2 states away and go no contact. You've taught me so much. I'm so grateful. I watch you a lot. And a couple others to learn how to heal, cope, and be a better person. Thank you for all you do for us. â€
This was my place of work for years! GOD got me out now for 4 years I'm very grateful đ
Looking back, i know i tried SO HARD - i tried everything to make it work! so I might punch someone if they ever told me to try harder lol. He didnt try at all.
One of us! One of us! One of us! Damn I feel this. This is one of my Big Red Buttons.
...being around with those kind of people, when they start to emenate the evil spirit around them , is something to experience!!!, but not only when you are alone with them, ...that is moment when you can witness that kind of evil spirit does exist...
Itâs terrifying. They keep it up, in your face, until you just wish you weee dead. That screaming in my face, 2 inches away.
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She recently blamed me for our kids being unhappy-because I had left her. Sheâs the one who made our lives hell đ€·ââïž
Those who haven't been faced with Narcissism are fortunate. But there are extreme Narcissistic relationships in history that can be used for reference. They were instrumental in wars, like WWII.
Some countries joined them. Others reacted to the Third Reich's aggression, entitlement, rage & lack of empathy etc..etc...with shock, disbelief, enabling & appeasement before finally setting the no contact boundary & fighting back.
This reference neatly outlines the circumstances. An answer (just to yourself or others), to "Have you tried hard enough" would be, "Yes. Unfortunately, this situation has become like dealing with the Third Reich during WWII. They're causing serious damage & refuse to stop. The only way to protect myself is to walk away."
The more I learned about Narcissism the realization of it allowed me clarity on what was going on đ everything they perceived as bad that happened to them including anyone whom they felt âwronged themâ the Narcissist would project onto âyouââŒïž You would always be blamed no matter what đ you will catch all their shameâŒïž
My first instinct 2as to defend myself and I ended up in some 'Reactively Abusive' situations with my Narc Ex, but then I learned that to defend myself wouldn't have made things any better. I knew I was right anyway, and I didn't feel the need to prove it. đ
If someone asks you âdid you try hard enough?â, ask them what they know about narcissism and what you should have tried. Chances are, they wouldnât be able to give you a valid answer on both of these questions. If someone actually knows what narcissism is all about, they would never ever have dared to ask you that question in the first place. ~ Me, a recovering survivor of a narc father, brother and twin sister
You are so correct on so many levels, they think their saints, I was called a liar, he always did what he wanted, when and with who, my own daughter told he was going to another woman's house, he denied at first but I had talked to her he was pissed but said nothing happened. Then my daughter took his side after divorce, 34 years , he broke me in all ways. I felt like I died in that driveway on one of my last trips moving, felt like he ripped my heart and soul right out of me by his actions and the look was Evil but I'm the crazy one. So sad but I went no contact with him and most of my kids, grandkids. I got the mat and ge got the chair at their table so I finally submitted I'm done, I forgive and bless them for my own peace.
I've heard the "Did you try hard enough" I've heard "Well, you are the stronger, better person, you need to sort this out." After decades of abuse and being the family scapegoat, I finally went no contact with adult siblings. Not to punish anyone because I do want good things for them but l need to just find some peace, stop being afraid of what they will say to others about me and focus on my husband and my children and all the good things in life. I am feeling happier, very grateful for my own little family and more myself. I am so grateful for your work in this area. Your videos provide so much help, especially on days when I start to doubt and blame myself. Thank you Dr. Ramani đ
When I tried to explain a bad relationship to my grandparents, I said "When you analyze his behavior...." I was told , "Well! To analyze is to paralyze! (next subject please)" and dismissed. Don't be dismissed. Find support and healthy people to talk to!
Dr Ramani, I have to thank you for all your videos on this channel. Thank you for making me understand how these relationships "work". Just the other day my husband answered me in a rude manner and I walked away. He followed me and started to tell me that he said nothing wrong and my "perception is always off". My educated by you brain screamed "gaslighting!" so I said "thank you for your opinion" and went to do my housework. No argument, no supply for him, no doubts and self-examination followed by self-blame. I did not end up sad and broken because I KNEW this was gaslighting. Thank you for educating me on these issues. I will always owe my moments of peace to you.
Itâs amazing the things my mother has blamed me for over the years.. as a little kid she blamed me for her divorce from her second husband who she was a terrible mismatch to .. they fought constantly and when he finally left she turned to me and said,âthank you for wrecking my marriage.â She said this to a little girl who had also lost her father to abandonment. Now I can laugh at the crazy stuff she blames me for. In her mind whenever something goes wrong someone must be blamed and since it can never be her fault it defaults to me. Now sheâs older but she still tries it when I visit. Itâs sad that sheâs never grown.
Iâm so sorry for you, that wasnât fair to that little girl.
@@RoyalFlush7096thank you đ
I am so sorry your mother did this to you. It was not your fault â€
@@bibidiaz9282 thank you đ
My Mom said that she was going to die within 6 months and that it would be my fault because I would not let her live with my husband and me. She died about 4 months later. ( she knew she was sick ) . She did apologize to me on the phone before she died though. Does that count? Counts a little, yes.
It's especially hard when the person telling you to try harder is a narcissist himself/herself. They especially can't see the challenge of the survivor if it leaving the relationship will make them look bad as the parent of an adult child. "Go back. He loves you."
They have no interest in your well being .period. Think whether u need them in your close circle ..
Dr R, thank you for pointing out how much the world expects YOU to try harder.
No one else has to try. YOU have to try.
It's soul-crushing when no one understands. But not today, Narky Nark Nark!
When i did finally end that toxic entanglement I didn't give "a rats ass" as to who thought what
I had finally decided i was finished & got my final safety order followed by divorce proceedings which went uncontested
My youngest was 18yrs old by then
I would still be there had i listened to those who were both ignorant of Narcissistic abuse & those toxic enablers and flying monkeys that had kept me stuck for years
I had two dependable and supportive friends back then & still present in my life
That marriage felt like going back into the boxing ring each time i was loved bombed
A type of psychological mind f....each time
I almost always went to court alone, i had become the
" lone ranger"
I honestly didn't need anyone to support me by then
It took way too long to get out after years of that trying harder, i used to believe it had all been my fault
Thank you DrRamini for being "the renegade "
I wouldn't have made it this far without your guidance
Thank you.
" I just don't know people like this." Yea he does. He just doesn't know that he knows people like this because he's never been the target.
Thank you!
Thank you so much for these videos . I am sitting here in tears thanking my God that someone truly understands and helped me understand, that I am enough! I do matter! I am not to blame! And I DID TRY HARD ENOIGH!
Thank you , thank you thank you! â€â€â€
Iâm right there with you on this!
Even people who have experienced narcissistic abuse, STILL don't see it. They just handle it by finding some else to fill the scapegoat role.
I'm so glad that you are out there being a voice for survivors and giving them the permission they need to get out of these relationships, I spent 30 years of my life in these relationships everybody everybody constantly was like just try harder just be more understanding just read another book just go to counseling.
Finally I got out of each one of these very toxic relationships and only in the last two years finding your CZcams has helped me to heal and to understand and be educated and I am so grateful for what you do for everybody.
Absolutely I'm blamed for everything. It's amazing they can say the most rediculous accusations. Dr.Ramani your 100 % correct people just don't really understand narcissists. Unless they have met one , lived with one, loved one , because if you have you will know. My husband went thru $20 thousand in 2 years. He never spent a dime on me I was sick with cancer at home. I gave 1000 % in the relationship ( there never was a relationship only in my mind )
My narc mother wont ask my golden child sister to do anything for her, only scapegoat child me( mother knows she wont help so wont ask ). But when mother was in hospital and sister offered to help( but then had excuses why she couldn't), mother told me sister couldn't do it because she would accidentally let the cats out and that would be MY fault... later she claimed not to remember saying that.
Of courseâŠthey NEVER ârememberâ saying the things you call them out on. My mother is the same way.
At least she used to beâŠI havenât spoken to her in almost a year and never plan to again.
OMG, that's horrible! So, it would be your fault if your sister is careless and lets the cats out?! What? Narcs have an infinite capacity to blameshift.
The problem I've had with some of the people in my support system has been: 1) Initial disbelief because they didn't see the side of my ex-wife of 28 years that I was describing, followed by 2) Fatigue of listening to me tell my side of the story. It's like I finally had this epiphany moment and wanted others to understand what I figured out, only to then be met by "Really? Are you sure you have this right? Or are you just a bitter ex?" and then just a general, "I'm bored, do we have to talk about this topic again?" My solution has been to talk less about it and let my ex embarrass herself with her own actions. Over time, these people are figuring out that what I was saying was true. But they need to come to this conclusion all by themselves. I can't force my story upon them.
The other quote is: "Maybe you ask too much of a person and out of a relationship!"
Love you, Dr Ramani.†Once again, gems of wisdom sprinkled throughout. Asking "did you try hard enough?" is sadistic, sending the survivor back in to be hurt again. "Everyone stays in narcissistic relationships too long." Sooo true and then when we leave, we feel stupid and guilty that we didn't get out sooner. Not stupid. Not our responsibility that they chose to be abusive. Thank you for all your insights and perspective!
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My ex husband tried to blame me for his alcoholism... Something he had long before we met, according to his college drinking buddy.
cheating, drinking, losing their job - they blame you for everything
And if you ask them, hey, have you done something wrong? that's where the NPD comes in.
Unfortunately, offsprings of narcissists learn the same techniques and pass it on down the line.
Youâre right. I had to UN-learn all the bad behavior modeled by two narc parents. I made it out alive and not a narc. (Left the state at 19) unfortunately my sister became a full narc. She wasnât born that way. Itâs sad.
Thank you for answering what happens when you get dragged back you get lost again you loose a bit more of you đąđąit feels like youâre being eaten away
I just bought a home. A long time loan officer made a mistake. He gaslit, lied, made it my fault. I feel awful and scared and my realtor sees it. Iâm being blamed for his mistake and so far the smear is being believed by his bank. So stressful. He says I didnât do my part, the paperwork trail is obvious I did. Lifetime of self doubt and your talk to is timely and gold. I hurt and let go to stop suffering the way I have.
I certainly didn't have it as bad as her ex who shot himself in the head and became permanently disabled and devalued before I met her but I was financially drained and 'devalued' when she broke up with me. Thank you for your wisdom and insights. God Bless You Dr. Ramani! đ
You are such a breath of fresh air. Thank you for discussing this topic in so many different ways and helping those of us who have known something wasn't right but we couldn't put a finger on it. I bought your book, "It's not You!" And it has been an eye opener. Thank you again for your dedication and commitment to helping all the " lost souls" who have endured narcissistic abuse!!
One of the my weird exes often said: 'You didn't love me enough for me not to cheat on you!'. Well, whatever. I hope she wins the lottery twice a day, as long as she doesn't text/call/whatever me ever again.
I once had a "friend" who knew how much i liked a guy. the boy was very charismatic and almost everyone loved him when they met him. she would pretend to be friends with me and paint all my habits as bad in front of this boy so that he can like her instead. but only after knowing him for a couple of years, i understood his need for constant drama and attention . he would start fights amongst girls for him to sit back and enjoy everyone's hurt. he would shower girls with undeniable love at the start but after some time, he would start getting bored by the person who developed feelings for him. i too was one of them.
when my friend knew that i liked him back but he had no interest in me, she provoked me to go after him and confess up to him. god, that person stinked. i now realize the amount of toxic people i kept around myself for the sake of not being alone. this all became a habit because of my toxic family which taught me how people are supposed to belittle you, insult you and you have to suck it up and live with them as if nothing happened.
thank gosh, not one of them is in my life anymore. healing to me and all narcissistic abuse survivors.
"just be the better person" is what I've been told numerous times... Eyes opened, heart sore and clarity gained. đâš Thank you for holding space for us all
I see so many people who allow, condone, and enable bad behavior! Healthy boundaries are so important and can be a challenge in dysfunction relationships. I think it is important to step away from people when their main objective is to control and abuse you!
Gaslighting, blame, making you out to be a bad person. Yup, sounds familiar way back when. I don't miss my narcissist, just angry at myself I got HAD and how I didn't see it? Well, I had no idea about this type of person and information wasn't readily available on it (that I saw) 25 years ago. It seems I am not unique as wonderful people in the psychological community, absolutely including you Dr. Ramani, who have done a lot of presentations on it. It's like being attacked by some unknown animal and when described to a wildlife biologist they say "oh, that was an X!" It feels good at least to know, kind of like locating that splinter I couldn't reach then getting it pulled out. Yes, it is sore but it feels much better than leaving it in there to make it worse and an infection. The healing from it is up to me, and largely have healed since we weren't together that long, but not something I will forget, either.
Yes, It's my fault I didn't arrange world peace and didn't made a cure for death yet.
Also I manage the weather very bad, I'm soo sorry !
I got you beat! It's my fault for not considering his feelings before going through depression and grief for a couple years after my dad's sudden death! ... leaving him "abandoned"
You are a gift to society â€
He said: YOU make me look like an idiot. Thank YOU for ruining a beautiful relationship. If you were worried about this (I found out he was on Tinder)- why didnt YOU tell me at once, why did YOU wait and worry?
I found you in time! You are making an impact! Thank you.
The supervisor at my new job fits the narcissistic profile. It's weird for me to have calm confidence sprinkled with a little terror driving in to work today (because she might have realized I've seen behind the mask) however it turned out that she called in sick and I had a wonderful day!
Itâs horrid to dread work due to a bad boss. Smile, agree, grey rock. đ when your boss rants and raves you stay calm and serene. Good luck tomorrow.
âAfter everything Iâve done for youâ is commonly used. If you donât expect something out of âhelpingâ someone, then donât say that. You donât bring it up later if you âexpect nothing in returnâ.
Dr. R, itâs like you read my journal and answered some of my darkest pain points. Thank you for all that you do to let the light in and help so many people feel less alone!
I recently wrote abit about how I left a toxic church and marriage. Both the ex partner & pastor used gaslighting & manipulation to prevent me from pursuing my dreams, even telling me not to take the pill because I'm meant to be a homemaker. đ Very bizarre but it was an epic lesson in how two narcs can operate together, enabling each other for different reasons.
Never knew what this was until I was in one.. I am separated but Im not sure if I yet comprehend all the aspects of this. I know I loved very much, gave very much, and worked hard to maintain the love happiness etc., and yes I still question me!! I was fully into the relationship he was there part time or when he wanted to be there, a bit here or there.. I do feel lost, sad , lonely and exhausted. I am non directional because I was working towards one goal to have a healthy relationship, but definately it was one sided. Yes definately I was made to feel small, worthless insignificant, unless he wanted something , He had the capacity to be sweet and caring, loving even. They were crumbs⊠Thank you for explaining this, at least if I hear this enough it justifies my feelings,
I had someone say: "you aren't up for a challenge." It made me so mad.
Ok, have not had this one yet, but i'll add it to my Cautionary List. So far i did get: "You are not flexible", "You are not open to change" (which is relatively close) đAt least it becomes predictable ...
Anything to not have to have an actual conversation about pros and cons, or having to deal with a "no" from your side.
@PantaRhei-wz5zn I was shocked. I think the boomers I'm surrounded by are particularly good at head-up- assness. I really think there's a generational association of narcissism with boomers. They were handed everything on a silver platter and it was super easy to go to school and get jobs. I've had to explain over and over that there's nowhere to rent a cheap apartment anymore, for example.
@@BearmoonRuneandTarot Ok, just consider the person a write off, do an internal eye roll, let it go and friendly walk away..
Alternatively (if its worth it to you to make more of a point ), kindly say: Well, I am open to a challenge, itâs just that i already looked at apartments and there does not seem to be much available in that price range. Of course, i do not have the background and expertise you have, so i am happy you did let me know these appts are out there. Can you send me the ones you know of ? Then politely smile, lightly touch their underarm, confidentially lean a little in towards them & say âI am so happy for your help with this, it really made my dayâ Then graciously bow out, and leave them. (Note: only do this when you can keep your face straight, with an open expression - do not use a sarcastic tone !)
Funny to see how theyâll react.
Of course they werenât trying to help you, but you simply misunderstood their comment as an offer for help... it happens... after all, they also misunderstood your summary comment after prior research as well...
Ok, just consider the person a write off, do an internal eye roll, let it go and friendly walk away..
Alternatively (if its worth it to you to make more of a point ), kindly say: Well, I am open to a challenge, itâs just that i already looked at apartments and there does not seem to be much available in that price range. Of course, i do not have the background and expertise you have, so i am happy you did let me know they are out there. Can you send me the ones you know of ? Then politely smile, lightly touch their underarm, confidentially lean a little in towards them & say âI am so happy with your help with this, it really made my dayâ Then graciously bow out, and leave them. (Note: only do this when you can keep your face straight, with an open expression - do not use a sarcastic tone !)
Funny to see how theyâll react.
Of course they werenât trying to help you, but you simply misunderstood their comment as an offer for help... it happens... after all, they also misunderstood your summary comment after prior research as well...